Club Random with Bill Maher - Adam Waheed | Club Random w/Bill Maher

Episode Date: May 30, 2022

Bill Maher and comedy creator Adam Waheed randomly riff on feeding the beast that is Tik Tok, how Bill creates his stand-up act, Bill teaches Adam about the ACLU and NATO, the process of learning things and Bill’s “Gazpacho moment,” a big reason for the conflict in the Middle East, and why Bill will never have children.

Come and know. What are you 30? I'm in my 20s. I'm 29. I'm 20. I'm milking it for you. You're plentying 30 in the mouth. I'm right there.

So I'm sure I felt that, you know, like I'm always fascinated by age and different. Not have people think I'm like, oh, don't worry about it. I'm not worried about it. I'm just fascinated by it. Yeah. Because I, of course, I remember 30, but you can't possibly know 66.

I don't know. You know what I'm gonna... And you'll go buy like that. I was literally like 21 yesterday. And then back to 29. I'm 29 now. But I have a terrible like... I would have never guessed you were 66.

I have a horrible age radar. Like, I never know how old somebody is. I mean, I know someone's over 18. But... That's as far as it goes, you know? That's as far as the fact that. How do you know that? Actually, that's very hard.

When you know models, they constantly are plucking models from like farm cities in Ukraine, and they're like 14, right? And that's what they, at least that's how they used to get models and they looked they were 18. So they find them when they're around now. If you have a radar, they can tell that you're good. Yeah, I don't know. Do I look 29?

Well, I just guessed you were 30. So you're gonna have to live with, what are you got another six months, Bob? To beard. Yeah, no, I have my birthdays in October, so. Oh, you're okay. Let me tell you something? It's the beard. Yeah, no, my birthday's in October, so. Oh, you're okay. Yeah. Let me tell you something.

It's not how old you are. It's how old you are, like, against where you are. And you're doing great. Yeah. I think you have what, like, a trillion, a 1 trillion tiktok followers or something. I have a 1,000 tiktok, I have 15.4 million followers. Now, how did you build that up?

Man, so I've been Texas. And then pointless. I mean, I went there to, I was majoring in sociology, I was playing football all the time. I wanted to be in the NFL, turns out I wasn't good enough. And my sister was like, you know, you should, you've always been funny. You should just move to LA and be like a comedian and actor. And I was like, all right, let's do it. So I ended up moving out to LA and I was like, I know, you should, you've always been funny, you should just move to LA and be like a comedian and actor. And I was like, all right, let's do it.

So I ended up moving out to LA. I was like an assistant at the time. This is five years ago. So I'm an assistant. I'm making like 600 bucks a month. I'm like taking the bus and train. I'm an assistant, I'm trying to like get gigs. I'm doing stand up, but I'm doing like shitty bar gigs.

I'm not doing real stand up, you know? I'm in a club get gigs. I'm doing stand up, but I'm doing like shitty bar gigs. I'm not doing real stand up. Anything anywhere I can get on stage, right? You think you're different than everyone else who, but we all did that. You know it's tough because when you move here, you see people who are already successful, but you don't see what they went through to get there, right? I mean, I'm just a kid when I moved here.

You're the one who's going through what you went through to get there. Yeah, through. So. It's good for you. Yeah, I wouldn't be where I'm at today if I didn't go through that. You got to get there. Yeah, through. So. It's good for you. Yeah, I wouldn't be where I'm at today if I didn't go through that. Of course not. You got to go through the system.

And it's toughens you up and makes you funny here. Oh, yeah. You know, it's fascinating to me. I mean, the way that technology changes, obviously, funny is funny. That doesn't change. But how weird's going through? I mean, from when I started,

when it was like getting on the tonight show with Johnny Carson, you know, to like, then I remember, Dane Cook, remember? That was a technological that was sort of like, wasn't he the first one to- Sell out the garden, you sold out the garden like that? But because he used the internet, wasn't that?

I don't remember if it was- I think that's what it was. It might have been, but I remember watching Dinkook. I mean, at that point when I was watching him, he was already doing the garden, so. But that's what made him unique. Yeah.

He mastered a new technology. You know, presidents do this. They say Kennedy was the first TV president. You know, the looking, they had the first debate on TV. He looked better than the other sweaty motherfucker. You know, FDR was the first radio president. You know, he was able to, when people had just radios, he was able to talk to them.

Lincoln couldn't talk to the people. You have to go fucking see him in person. Exactly, yeah. The tickets were outrageous. Yeah. The game is constantly changing, and then you get those people who don't get with the times, and then they get left behind, you know? Well,

yeah, if you, I mean... I mean, to a certain degree, right? If you've built a certain stature of fame, right? That'll, well, it depends. I mean, there's, I mean, HBO, instill HBO. Yeah. You can't front. But even those B.O. has, they've gone with the culture.

They, you know, they have the, you know, and I will concede that like people your age they don't really have TVs anymore. Yeah, but they can see your shit anywhere else. Like that's not my area. It's like where it goes and how you do it. I'm content. Yeah.

You're kind of like your own network because that's what TikTok is. Yeah. You don't have a contract with TikTok. You could take a week off and not... Well, I can't take a week off. I mean, theoretically I could, TikTok. You could take a week off and not... Well, I can't take a week off. I mean, theoretically, I could, but I would never take a week off, just because of... Ever?

Well, just how my page is set up, I mean, of course, nothing lasts forever, right? But the way the algorithm works, right? You have to consistently post in order to get, you know, a certain viewership. And then if you take off, you take off two weeks, maybe a month, you feel that on your page. You feel the viewership go down, right? And then you have to kind of regenerate that viewership. You're falling off.

I'm not. I'm saying that. That was what they would think. Oh, yeah, yeah. Exactly, yeah. And then there's so much content where it's like, let's say you put out a video and it does 5 million views, right? Two hours later, someone else has a 5 million view video.

And then next day, there's... You realize, Adam, you just described very psychologically precarious situation for yourself. Don't you think? I mean, you just said, I can't ever take any time off because if I don't feed this dragon because if I don't feed this dragon, if I don't feed this beast, it will turn on me. Yes.

You don't worry about that a little. Yeah, of course, but I mean, I think I'm so like... Blinders, horse, like, I just want to continue to just keep Elvis' level so- Sure. And you... Yeah. I'm... Look, at my juncture here, I mean, I've been on TV almost 30 years straight. Wow.

I don't need to do this. Like, I don't even, but you enjoy it. Podcast, I'm loving it. Yeah. But I love my real job. And my real job is my real job. Yeah. This is an hour on a Wednesday, but it's more fun to do it with you,

because I never met you. I heard all these things about you. And everyone was always so fucking positive. I'm like, I gotta meet this kid. Yeah, absolutely. Because I love to talk to people who are not mates. I learn. That's how I learn.

I know. The people of my age, you know, I basically know what they know. But you know things. I don't know. Absolutely. And I'm gonna fucking like a vampire, suck that out of you. Let's do it. You know what, when I found out,

when I found out my manager had called me, she's like, hey, Bill Maure wants you on your podcast, on his podcast, I'm like, Bill Maure. And she's like, yeah, you not wanna do it. I'm like, no, I wanna do it. I love Bill Maure. It's the last person I expected to reach out. So I was like, no. No, I'm thrilled's like, yeah, you not want to do it. I'm like, no, I want to do it. I love them. It's the last person I expected to reach out. So I was like, no, awesome.

I'm thrilled because it wouldn't be right for my real job. Which again, is my real job. But like, we got talking about this because you said I have blinders and I'm like, just so you know what's ahead in your life, you can be my age and still have that kind of drive. Because one reason I want to do this is because, yes, the more we go down the path of American history, the less people your age are like interested in the, shall we say, meat and potatoes,

issues of the day. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, my show is for grownups who know things. Sorry, but like the kids, they just, you know, I mean, last week we talked about the ACLU and NATO. I just wouldn't wanna survey a group of people your age and ask them what they thought

about the ACLU and NATO. I don't even know what that is. Exactly, there you go. And you're a bright guy. Yeah. And I blame the schools for that, because you should, and I'm going to... I know NATO. I know NATO.

All right. I don't know what a stands for, but I know NATO. Yeah. I know NATO. It stands for North Atlantic Treaty-Organization. Treaty, it's a treaty. I knew there was a treaty in there, and your organization was in there. And you know what it was?

Yeah. All right. Maybe correct me if I'm wrong. It's like some type of alliance. Yes, correct and alliance that curates Or now I was a curate but yeah, no We'll take it out of the head An alliance that is in charge of other alliances. No. Well, not exactly. Oh, God.

I think it's a good stop talking. Let me tell you what it is. And then, you know, but here, you don't feel bad about this. You know why? I'm going to write a book someday called Gospacho is Cold. Do you know why? Why is that? Because everything you know, every single thing you know, you learn at a particular moment

in your life. You don't remember every moment, but that's why generally people have understood that older people are wise, because they've had more days, more time, more experiences, more moments to learn something. Okay. So I remember when I ordered Gazpacho soup for the first time, and I complained bitterly to the waiter that the soup was cold. Well, Gazpacho soup is served cold. Oh, I didn't know that. It's what I'm saying to you. You're learning it now. Yeah. I learned it. I was about to say a match. Point being.

Is it really even soup, then? Yes, it is soup. It is cold soup. I agree. What's that? It's like ice coffee. It's like, you're right. You're right.

It's stupid. Yeah. Doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense. But it is. And it's a very expensive soup. Expensive soup. I mean, I remember I was at a restaurant.

It was, you know, and I was, I had really never before that had a lot of money. I didn't have a lot of money then, but like even an up to go out to dinner with a girl. Yeah. And I was at a fairly nice restaurant ordering a spot to a soup. I felt pretty sophisticated.

I was smoking a cigarette. We were talking about NATO. NATO, that's what we're talking about. Okay. So NATO makes the soup what's going on? No, okay. The point being that every time you learn something, you learn it at a certain moment, and you shouldn't feel bad that you didn't learn it before that.

I don't feel bad. No. Right. So today's the day you're learning what NATO is. And Gospacio soup. And Gospacio soup. They go hand your hand. Oh, for you.

For me, that's a banana. I'm going to remember what I think of Gospacio soup, how I'm thinking of NATOospatio Soup. I'm gonna go in your hand. They go in your hand. For you, this is a banana. I'm gonna remember when I think of Gospatio Soup, I'm thinking of NATO. Is it a banana? You know what, bananas is? I've heard of it. I've heard of it. It was a TV show.

It's a TV show, yeah. It was like the number one show for Abruz of Western about these, you know, four fat white guys who lived in Tanner or something, and they had horse horses and adventures. I don't know. Is this on HBO Max or something? No, this is the HBO Max.

I mean, this is like, I've never heard of it. No, it was on, it was even corny when I was a kid. It was like probably on in the late 50s and throughout the 60s. I'm out of it, no. Yeah, you know, I don't know. But, Nate, how you should know. Yeah, you know I don't know. But NATO, you should know.

Now, you know what the Soviet Union was. Yeah, yeah. Former, it was now Russia, right? Russia was the dominant force. The Soviet Union was Russia and all the countries it conquered. Yeah, yeah. I knew that.

Okay. That's an easy one. Okay. So NATO was what we formed after World War II to counter the Soviet Union, to make sure they didn't take over the whole world. Okay, so it wasn't an alliance. Yes, but not we, when we curated, we had nuclear missiles there. Yeah, I mean, yeah. And they didn't have meetings. We're like, how are are we gonna curate the Soviets on this way? You know, Putin is not a curator, he's a poisiner. You're right, you're right.

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See important regulation A disclosures at masterworks.art slash random. See important regulation A disclosures at masterworks.io slash CD. That's masterworks.art slash random. So you and your 15 million closest friends, you can't leave them even for a day. I mean, look, I could do that, of course. But one, I love what I do. I love making content every day. I love putting it out. I love the reactions I get from that, of course, but one, I love what I do. I love making content every day.

I love putting it out. I love the reactions I get from it, right? Even Christmas. Oh, Christmas is the best day to post. Everyone's home on their phones. That's when everyone's watching. Everyone's trying to see what everyone got as a present. So usually, actually, a lot of my, like,

my most viral videos, I think I have like a video that has 250 million views that was posted on Christmas Eve. Cause everyone's off work, everyone's at home. There's like such a psychology and science behind like, how you post, when you post, what two posts that ensures, you know, like when you know people are like, with their phones is that what they're doing?

Yeah, exactly. And when are they with their phones? Well, I mean, obviously, I don't know specifically. No, but generally, like, you know, weekends are they with their phones? Well, I mean, obviously, I don't know specifically with a bunch of generally. But generally, weekends are always a better time to post videos do better on Saturdays and Sundays because people aren't working their nine to fives or on the phones.

Another thing that I do too is a lot of the comedy I do online is visual. Why? Because there's tons of people at work who can't listen with sound on. So if you can make like a rule of thumb, I have when I created videos like, I watch it on mute, would somebody laugh

at this video on mute? It's amazing. You're back to Charlie Chaplin. Yeah, exactly. And that's why he was so universal, right? And then you got to also think, I have such a worldly audience, right? Where there's so many people who don't speak English.

You're making a silent, a little short silent movie on TikTok. Yeah, absolutely. And it's a full movie. I mean, we're talking about a beginning, middle, and twist your protagonist antagonist on one man. You should watch his movies and steal his shit. I actually, not stole his shit, but I've watched a tons of his stuff, like clips on YouTube.

The one where he eats his shoe. I don't think I've seen that one. It'll kill. I mean, that one. It'll kill. I got to watch it. Trust me. In the 19, 19s, it was, I don't know, but there's the famous scene where he's like, but there's lots of clips.

I mean, have I ever seen a chaplain movie all the way through? I don't know. I've just seen clips. I see a ride to the bike. Right. And also, the one who's going through the gears, that's, I mean, for a few years.

Yeah, for 100 years ago, that thing where he's, and the comment that it's making on the mechanized society we live in. Yeah, it's genius. And it was a bad idea. Another thing too, that's crazy. Like, people will message me, or like, I'll even run into people who don't really

speak that great of English. And they'll go, I learned English from watching our videos. Because there's dialogue, right? There's dialogue here and there, but it's very limited where like, you know, you don't have to know the dialogue to get the joke. So that's something I keep in mind all the time when I shoot. And like a statistic, actually,

I believe on Facebook, 70% of videos are watched without sound. Do you wanna, like, you aspire like one day to make like an actual full-length movie? Oh yeah, absolutely. I mean, that was my goal. Because this is great training for you. Yeah, I know. You're doing it a minute at a time.

That was my goal when I first moved here to be a movie. Well, now you have the following. Yeah. So if your agent isn't working on this? No, he is. I'm actually working on a film right now. I put out a short film like a year ago that got qualified for an Oscar

didn't end up getting nominated, but it got close. So I mean, that is the avenue, but I'm kind of finding myself in this weird crossroad of, even like the movie business, right? Like, unless you're like an a-list actor, like the rocker, you know, Kevin Hart, right? You go away, you film a movie for what? Three, four months, right?

And the amount that I would get paid to do that movie, where of course I'm not gonna be able to film my own content while I'm on set, I'm away, right? The amount I'm getting paid for that three, four months, unless I'm an a-lister, right? That amount I'm getting paid is how much I'm making in one week. Yeah, so wait till they offer you that.

Exactly, or just make my own film, rather than auditioning and... And you look like you could play anything. I mean, you're like one of those, and big-y-wastly. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. That's the checkbox I go for.

Endically diverse. I'm in there. Yeah, you could be anything. Yeah, exactly. You could be... Indian, Egyptian, Middle Eastern, Mexican, and then anything, anything besides white pretty much. I'm in there.

Yeah, so, and I play a lot. I'm in Middle Eastern, Egyptian. Egyptian. Yeah. And what? So I'm also mixed with like, Iranian a bit and an Afghan. I looked it up on 23 of me.

I don't know the results, but that was it. What are your parents? Egyptian, and I think my dad is also like a little Afghan, Iranian, Egyptian, my mom's Egyptian. You know, here's something else that may be like your Espotra moment. Egyptians and Iranians to get together, you should know this, if your parents did that, that's a gutsy thing to do,

because Egyptians are Arabs. Yeah. And Iranians are not. And in the Middle East, the main conflict has always been between the Arab world and the Persian world. Saudi Arabia separated from Iran, Persia, only by a little straight.

Those are the two powers. Other sides sort of like go with either the Iranians or Shiites. The Egyptians and the Saudis, they're Sunnis. These are two tribes that are both Muslim but they hate each other. They fought a giant war against each other in the 80s, the Iran Iraq war. Was NATO involved in this?

NATO was not involved. I'm literally learning. I didn't know this. I know, and I'm telling you, because this is your heritage. But I'm telling you, this is important stuff. The Muslim world is divided between Sunnis. There are about eight...

I think I know a little bit about this. There are about 85% of the Muslim divided between Sunnis. I think I know a little bit about this. There are about 85% of the Muslim world are Sunnis. Well, I think actually Egypt as well, which is like, I just find out. Egypt is all Sunnis. Why didn't find out to recently? There's actually like a large majority of Egyptians that are orthodox or Catholic, right? No. There is a Christian sect in Egypt called the COP, COPT.

That's it. Yes. That's it. Right on the tip of my tongue, I knew this was close. Like any Christian or Jewish group in a Muslim majority country in the Middle East, they are not to make feel very welcome. So there are very few left.

Just there are very few. Syria used to have a very large Christian minority, but they don't anymore. But sticking to the Muslim world, yes, the Iranians and the Egyptians, traditionally those are the Sunnis and Shiites. There's a lot of beef between those two groups. So I'm just saying your parents may have had to like defy some, you know, traditional shit to get together. So I feel like that next Thanksgiving,

you're like, Mom, Dad, I don't know what you went through to start boning and have me. But, you know, if you had to go through some stuff, I appreciate it. Yeah, absolutely. I'm sure they did. Yeah, they made me... They never talked to you about this shit? They probably did.

They probably did. You just tuned it out? You know what? You weren't interested? Dude, all I care about is quality. I love comedy. I'm like so like into. Maybe they could make it funny.

They could do it with pop. Well, maybe they told me about it and I couldn't make it funny and that's why I tuned it out, you know? So. Yeah, it's kind of hard to make I couldn't make it funny and that's why I tuned it out, you know? So. Yeah, it's kind of hard to make the Iran Iraq war funny. That's a tough one. That's why I probably moved on to the next joke.

So let me ask you this. What is your personal life? If it's so, if you're so like having to be slavish to your craft and feeding the dragon, because it is a dragon. Absolutely. Right. So, does that make your personal life suffer?

No personal life. Oh, stop it. I mean, like, here and there, right? I'll have weeks, you know, I'll have a week where, you know, I have fun and I'll go out and mingle and do whatever. No, girlfriend. I'm single. No, I'm single. I'm not having a girlfriend.

You don't want to be single, is that because you're... Yeah, it's like my choice. My choice. My choice. Bullshit, me. It's not like my choice. Oh, I can't find a girl. It's you don't want to be tied down by one girl. Well, you know what, it's also tough.

I mean, my last relationship, we're here at Club random. Tell me. No, my last relationship. I'm your psychiatrist. You're my stepson. I'm really sorry. Just tell me the truth. Okay, and my last relationship, reason why it ended

is because I was working all day. It's like, for someone I do, it's like, it never ends. And then you know too, it's like comedy. Like, you're always writing jokes. There's stuff that always comes up. I'm never writing jokes. You're not. No, you sound like'm never writing jokes. You're not. No, I'm never...

You sound like you're purposely right. I never... I've never done that. When I started, I was told that's how you're supposed to do it. Because that's what Bill Cosby told all the other comics. And they told us, I don't know what happened to Mr. Cosby, but I never could, like, purposely write jokes. What I do is, like this. Cosby, but I never could purposely write jokes. What I do is like this. And then when something funny would come up,

I would try to remember it. Well, that's what I do, too. But then I write on my notes, but I just constantly find myself, anything that happens, I'm like, I'm gonna write that on my notes, I'm gonna write my notes. And I'm always thinking,

or what's the next video I'm gonna shoot. Cause I mean, I'm posting every single day, right? So every day, like a lot of days I'll wake up at 6 a.m. No idea. I have to come up with an idea by 8 a.m. That's a lot of pressure. Yeah. I'm just saying.

That's a lot. But I love it. That beard may have gray in it in five years, because that's a lot of... I mean, I mean, my early days, and you're not in your early days, you're a tremendous success. But, you know, not in your early days, you're a tremendous success.

But, you know, I was still, well, 30, I'd done a sitcom, but, you know, life was not that cushy still, better than it had been earlier, but, you know, I did not, certainly did not have this pressure that every single day, I have got to come up with something, you know. But I mean, it's a different animal. It's the pressure I sort of say put on myself, though, every single day. I have got to come up with something, you know. But I mean, it's a different animal. It's the pressure I sort of say put on myself though,

you know, like I have a high standard of what I want. And I enjoy doing it, you know. You put it on yourself because the dragon puts it on you. Yeah. If you don't feed the dragon. Goes away. Or eat you. Yeah, either or.

So, I mean, but I mean, yeah, I do love it and it is a lot of pressure, but at a certain point, like I've got to where it's so self-sufficient where like, you know, I'm waking up, I'm on autopilot and I'll come up with an idea. Like I said, I'll wake up at 6 a.m. No idea what I'm gonna shoot, 8 a.m. I come up with an idea, I'll send that over to my producer,

we'll get props, we'll get the location, we'll get actors or actresses. Shoot it, edit it right away. It goes up by 12 and then by 2 PM, it's at a million views. Seven days a week you do this? Yeah, I mean, I'll miss a day here or there, but that's- You don't shoot two in a day. I sometimes I try, but it's tough.

It's tough. Because you want the quality to be. Yeah, exactly. And even at a certain point, you get watered down. And if it was up to me, I personally would want to just do maybe one video a week of my best. Well, I was going to say it'll pay off, it's already paying off.

But there's no substitute for wanting it, hard work, and just, you know, I could say, you're that guy who's not going to let the other guys beat you. I mean, I remember when I, see, my experience was so different when I started it, like, in comedy clubs, I guess you hung out in a comedy club too. But that's all we had. There was no TikTok or any of that shit. And you know, you're with like dozens, dozens of other comics, you know, who are all hanging out the club, and you all have the same dream.

And you won't know, it's kind of like the army. You know, you're gonna go into battle and a lot of y'all aren't gonna make it. Yeah. The guy next to you is gonna get one right here. Yeah. And you just want better him than me, right? Do you feel like you're living in a media bubble like it's harder than ever to find views that

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and the most beloved films from the HBO Max archive. You can listen to HBO Max Movie Club wherever you get your podcasts. I always feel like every decade, you have a different sort of set of priorities or a different essential goal in my teens. It was like, don't be ostracized. Just don't be the kid they make fun of.

My 20s, it was just like, don't be a loser in your career. I went through that too though in my 20s where I was like, I gotta make it, I gotta make it, I gotta make it. Yeah, because you, you know, you set up your life in your 20s and 30s, and then, you know, you wanna then live in it.

Yeah, no, you're absolutely right. Well, yeah, I mean, you're doing, I would say you're doing the right thing, but, uh, and you are. But you say it's like it gets in the way of relationship. Yeah, but I mean, I don't want to be relationship. Yeah, I don't want to be. It works out perfectly. Yeah, it's just completely.

I'm the perfect candidate, you know? Um, but I mean, don't get me wrong. I've had my fun, you know, I've had fun. Like, like, when I went to college, you know, even the first two years I was out here trying to like, figure out what the hell I'm gonna do, I'm having fun this whole time. I mean, look, I would go crazy if I didn't have breaks, right?

I do have weeks where, you know, like, go out, and I'll catch up with friends and this and that, but at the same time, I just love creating content. It's the greatest thing. And how do you create content for your sex life? I'm just curious. I mean, your sounds. Only fans.

No. Seriously? No. But it sounds like, I mean, it's just, I mean, I don't know, when I was 30. Are you saying like, how do I get girls? Oh, I'm sure it's not a problem. Yeah.

But yeah, I'm sure it's very different than what. It is different. It's all happens in the DMs now not a problem. Yeah. But yeah. Yeah, I'm sure it's very different than what. It is different. It's all happens in the DMs now. Of course. Yeah. It's all on the phone. Yeah. Right.

So you don't really want to have a long-term relationship because I mean, I'm kind of down. At some point in your life. If it happens, it happens, you know. It will happen, right? But I'm not. You want it to happen, you want it like you want to show it. I think I'll be honest with you like this

the next couple of years I want to start a family. Really? Yeah. For sure. Maybe this year. Really? Who knows? Yeah.

I feel like, I don't know, I feel like I always don't know what your mother wants you to do. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Why did I think that? Yeah, yeah. She's definitely pushing it a bit, but. Yeah, but.

Well, I don't know if I'm gonna have kids. But that should not influence you one bit. It's your life. Yeah, true, but I always thought, for some reason, I was gonna have a family of 25. Yeah, I mean, I've known so many guys who were like players. Yeah.

But they were like married and had kids. And even when they were terrible husbands, they were great dads. You know, there is something, I don't have that chip. You know, I am not, I've never, one thing that's been like steady throughout my life since I was a child is I do not like children. I do not like them when I was one.

Well, you have no kids? I don't. No. No kids, no marriages. Oh, well. No divorcees, no aloe. I'm like you, pretty much. Well, no, you're not, because you no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, which is fine if you want it. And I never, people think I'm against marriage. I only get marriage for me. Yeah. Whatever makes people happy,

I know some people who would be lost without their spouse. That's what makes them happy. It's the most personal decision. Just don't do it because society, for mom is saying. Well, can you help it? Because it's like, you're constantly getting like, you're getting taught marriage.

But I did. Yeah, but you're not easy. One percent. You got to work at it, man. If you want to stay single, you have to. I'm gonna hang out with you more. Maybe that's what I'm doing. You got to love random.

Oh, I mean, seriously, you can get it easy. It was very hard just to keep your toe out of the trap. Maybe this year you get there. Maybe you start a family this year. Who knows? I do know and know that I, who would know more than me? Because I'm me. No, I will not be starting a family this year.

But. You never know though. I do know. There are some things I, You know, to a certain degree you know. But you never know. Sweetheart. You never really know.

If I got a girl pregnant tomorrow, I'd be like 82 when the kid got out of high school. I'm not starting a family. And why, after all these years, would I suddenly change and fall in love with children? No, I love my life, and no fucking kid is gonna mess with me. Well, you know your taste buds change every seven years. That's a fact.

Not in children. And I don't think that's true either. It's like I've liked Medi- It's like I started to hate bananas seven years ago. That's ridiculous. Maybe you're chasing for a- I like your almonds. Last year, I just started liking almonds.

I hated almonds. Okay. So, I mean, I'm just saying- Yes. Sure, you're probably like 99.9% positive, right? I didn't like your almonds in children or- But there is a different- There is a different one.

I think that's a different level. Almonds and children, but I take your point. All I'm saying is, for you, you do society, yeah. You just don't do it, yeah, like, or because we sort of create that myth in movies, it's certainly in the era of the romantic comedy. I guess they do less of them,

but it's a lot of putting in people's minds this idea that there is a one perfect person, you're soulmate, and they're out there, and you just got to find them. And then when you do, it's all going to be great. And it was a book they just put out for Valentine's Day, even though it's kind of an anti-Valentine's Day book. And I read the excerpt. It's from some woman, and she... It's called, to stay married, you need amnesia.

Oh, wow. And the line below that said, do I hate my husband sometimes? Oh, yeah, sure. And then the article was just, you know, her talking about how much you... I'm fucking hate to husband and think he's an asshole. But at the end, it's like, but we're stating that stories that fake Hollywood ending

that they've even put in their books. And I'm like, you can't get me back. After you say you hate him, you can't get me back to, but this is a good idea. This is a good thing to do. And that's what the book is trying to do. It is fascinating, though. Like, that someone can stay, like,

there's some people who are married for, like, 40, 50 years. That's, like, insane to me. That's, like, to be with somebody for 40, 50 years, and spending, like, damn, every day together, right? Like, it's a fascinating, it's a skill. A skill is... It's impressive. That's a charitable way to put it, right? Like, it's a fascinating, it's a skill. A skill is... It's impressive. That's a charitable way to put it, but you're right.

It's something you, you know, people, I guess, do it for the children, and they like the idea of security, and somebody there, or sometimes, I guess, sense of humor is more important. I mean, there's a lot of reasons why a marriage that isn't, you know, red- Monkey Love all the time, works for people and can work for people. And again, like you say, different strokes

and whatever people like, but I'm just saying, be careful about that one. That like, you know. I think I wanted to, I think I love kids. And yeah, I think I want it. I mean, I guess I'll find out. Right, you'll find out. Yeah.

Because I'll go for it Right, you'll find out. Yeah. Because you go for it. Yeah. Yeah. You know what, if you got married at 32, you could still like be, you know, give, say, get, give it eight years. Now you're 40. You're still a nice looking guy. You know what it is.

I feel like the age continuously gets like, has been getting older for what people get married at. Like, people used to get married at least. Well, it has. We have the statistics. Yeah, right. Now people are getting married at what, like, 35. No, not quite. It's like 30 for men and 28 for women.

Where it used to be like, what, what, what, what, what, what did you say? Much slower, you're right. It was like 22 and 20 or something like that. That's crazy. Oh, yeah. I mean, in, in many parts of the world, like Egypt and Iran, I mean, you're an old maid if you're 20, probably.

You know? Well, not in every segment of society, but yeah, I mean, that still goes on. And even in the United States, you know, they recently just raised the legal age for marriage, and I forget what state, something like Kentucky or something, but they were not the only state that had it from like 14 to 16.

Oh, that's way too, 14. That's what it was at middle school? Was I? Well, for me, it was the first freshman year I school. But whatever it is. That's wild. Yes. Imagine being married in ninth grade?

No, I can't, because I was still just masturbating. I would have loved to have been married or anything that allowed me to get something. But no. But yeah, I mean, there are parts of this country that are, you know, what Apple H is. Is that a mountain? Apple H is a mountain. It's a mountain range.

Okay. I was close. Yes. No, you're right. It goes all through like these southern states. It's like where we, the term hillbillies, which is kind of a derogatory term, but there are, I'm sorry, it's that thing is hillbillies. I mean, these are people who live rural.

I mean, this is, you know, this is... There's no TikTok over there. They're not getting Wi-Fi. They... Poor thing. Part of the president's big, you know, spending bill is to bring Wi-Fi and such things to this part of the country.

They're always like... Imagine they're up there doing TikTok dances once they get the Wi-Fi. I'm sure there are places in Tennessee and Arkansas and West Virginia. These are the states I'm talking about. It goes to eight different states like that Kentucky. Yes, but there are both rural places where they may have the internet,

but what they really don't have is like a strong law enforcement from the authorities. Like, it's sort of like the local people who are making the rules. You know, like, you ever see the old Beverly Hillbillies series? No. You never heard of it, though, right? The Beverly Hillbillier.

It sounds familiar. It was a show on the 60s. It was one of the big hit comedies. Oh, if it was in the 60s, I don't know it. Yeah, but they show it. They rerun it. I mean, people have seen it. You've heard of I Love Lucy. Yeah, yeah.

And that was the 50s. Oh, wow. That was the 50s. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay. I probably have seen it then. Yeah, must have seen it. It's a classic. I mean, it was...

And it was about these people from Appalachia. These very were the hillbillies, I mean, the Beverly hillbillies, and they strike oil on their land. And they become fucking crazy rich. So they move to Beverly Hills, which is what rich people do. So now they're like, you know,

still driving like the old truck, you know, and they're still fucking hellbill, that's what the funny part, they're hillbillies, but they're in this fucking Fony, Bolognaoney Hollywood environment. Those kind of people in their own habitat there in the Appalachian region,

it can be very difficult for like, you know, police or revenues, tax man, anything from the federal government, that's like an outsider. I mean, there are places in this country that are like literally tribal. Really? Yes.

I'm pretty sad. Look at all the things you've learned tonight. And it doesn't have TikTok. No, okay. That's crazy, yeah. That could be your charity cause. Bring TikTok to Appalachia. I'll be that guy.

You should be that guy. I'll be that guy. Right. No, of course, if you go there, they might kill you. Yeah, and also, I probably... He's a... I don't know, but he's a... I don't know what he is.

Fuck, he's got to kill him. Well, last question. I feel like anywhere I go, I'll fit in as a local, with the most part, you know? Yeah. I don't know. Honestly, I probably wouldn't go if they didn't have Wi-Fi because then I'm not going to be able to post, right?

So, once they get the Wi-Fi, then I'll show up and maybe I'll have a chorus or something. But anyway. Well, listen, I hope you do come back here and just kick it with me someday. Oh, yeah, well, there wouldn't be any different than this. Yeah.

Maybe we film a TikTok, because who knows? Oh, yes, let's do that. Yeah, we can do it. You want to talk to all of them. Oh, yes, Adam, I that. Yeah, we can do it. You're gonna TikTok all or no? Oh, yes, Adam, I'm dominant. I think I've seen you on the X4 page. No, you have. I'm not intentionally on TikTok.

Okay. I'd be surprised if I could get it on my phone. I'll download the app for you. No, I think I have the app. But I'm gonna, I will start. I mean, I should make that effort to do that. I'm just so busy, it's like, I just don't have time for a new thing.

Yeah, I do. That's my, but it could be like Bing Crosby and Bob Hope, you know who they are. It'd be the collab nobody ever expected. Exactly. And that's why I go viral. That's why it would be funny. Exactly.

But you kind of think of it, this is what you do. You know, we could even do me and you at a restaurant, waiter brings out a Spacho soup. Yes. And I'm like, this is cold. Right. You slap the soup across the table, and then he says it's cold. And then not only are we going viral,

we're educating people. And then somehow at the end, we bring in NATO. And this is 10 million views. Send me this grip. I'm calling it. It's done. It's already posted. I just DM a girl, yes. And that's it. And then they say, yes, what? And then balls in your

court. You can say whatever. Yes, I'd love to get to know you. That's the hysterical. And it's a ten out of ten success rate. And it's a ten out of ten success rate.