Club Random with Bill Maher - Andy Dick | Club Random with Bill Maher

Episode Date: April 13, 2026

Bill Maher and Andy Dick don’t do small talk. On this episode of Club Random, the conversation moves fast—from career highs and comedy legends to a near-fatal fentanyl scare on a Los Angeles sidewalk. It’s one of the more exposed hours the show’s had: Andy grappling with what it means to be cancelable, Bill pressing when answers drift, and somewhere along the way, something unexpectedly tender about grandchildren, estranged kids, and the fragile, hard-won clarity of sobriety. No neat ending. Just two people circling the truth, getting as close as they can. Support our Advertisers: Try ZipRecruiter for free at https://www.ziprecruiter.com/random  Subscribe to the Club Random YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.youtube.com/c/clubrandompodcast?sub_confirmation=1⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Watch episodes ad-free – subscribe to Bill Maher’s Substack: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://billmaher.substack.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you listen: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://bit.ly/ClubRandom⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Buy Club Random Merch: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://clubrandom.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices ABOUT CLUB RANDOM Bill Maher rewrites the rules of podcasting the way he did in television in this series of one on one, hour long conversations with a wide variety of unexpected guests in the undisclosed location called Club Random. There’s a whole big world out there that isn’t about politics and Bill and his guests—from Bill Burr and Jerry Seinfeld to Jordan Peterson, Quentin Tarantino and Neil DeGrasse Tyson—talk about all of it.  For advertising opportunities please email: [e-mail] ABOUT BILL MAHER Bill Maher was the host of “Politically Incorrect” (Comedy Central, ABC) from 1993-2002, and for the last fourteen years on HBO’s “Real Time,” Maher’s combination of unflinching honesty and big laughs have garnered him 40 Emmy nominations. Maher won his first Emmy in 2014 as executive producer for the HBO series, “VICE.” In October of 2008, this same combination was on display in Maher’s uproarious and unprecedented swipe at organized religion, “Religulous.” Maher has written five bestsellers: “True Story,” “Does Anybody Have a Problem with That? Politically Incorrect’s Greatest Hits,” “When You Ride Alone, You Ride with Bin Laden,” “New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer,” and most recently, “The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody But Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass.” FOLLOW CLUB RANDOM https://www.clubrandom.com https://www.facebook.com/Club-Random-101776489118185 https://twitter.com/clubrandom_ https://www.instagram.com/clubrandompodcast https://www.tiktok.com/@clubrandompodcast FOLLOW BILL MAHER https://www.billmaher.com https://twitter.com/billmaher https://www.instagram.com/billmaher Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Club random. Weirdly, I think that too. Textsendering. Really? About me or you? About you? Jesus Christ. Club random.

Well, Andy. Andy, today's episode, I've been transported to the chair as opposed to my usual entrance where the gold diggers, two on each side, bring me in. Oh, they do? Remember the gold diggers on the Dean Martin show? No. No? You don't remember Dean Martin?

Well, yeah, but we're about the same age, I think. No, I'm 10 years older, I think. Older? Because you look younger than me, which sucks for me. I don't know about that. You're 60? Mm-hmm. I'm 70.

Oh, okay. Wow. Yeah. So I always looked up to you. I get it now. Well. But I really always did. Remember, I was always so excited to be on your show when I was on news radio and you had your little shows.

I mean, I know you've been through the mill and put yourself in the mill. And we can get to that. I love working at a good meal. But like from the beginning, you always were like, you know, when you were there, you were one of of the best as far as like a comic actor. I don't like talking in the past, like was one of the, you know, I still feel like I am. Well, then do something now. I'm trying.

Yeah. No, you're still very employable. In fact, it's a great story. This country fucking loves redemption. Yeah, a good comeback. They suck its dick like it's Harry Reims in 1978. Dangling right here down to my knees. So look, we can, we're doing that. They've been shooting this

movie on me. They're here now somewhere. They wouldn't let him in. You guys wouldn't let him in here, which is fine. Shooting a movie about you. Me, for six years, over six years. It's called the Little Angel Clown Who, that cries. But that's someone I'm talking about.

I'm talking about get apart. Oh, okay. Do what you do. Yeah, yeah, you're right. I agree, I agree. Well, I've been talking to Polly Shore about doing in the, because that was my first big fucking studio movie, really big movie in the Army now.

You remember that? You forgot. It's so long ago. Of course. But it was Polly Shore and I thought, What if we did in the Army now again? Because we're at war the same kind of war now

that that movie was about 20 years. Isn't that interesting? And we should write that movie and we could be generals. I don't know what I. You should. I shouldn't, but you should. Somebody involved in your life. I'm not sure I was crazy about the first one.

No. No, I know. But when you were on like the Ben Stiller, that's my Andy Dick of all time. that was like a tour de force every week. First of all, the show itself. You know, I watched it like fairly recently, like six or seven years ago. They maybe 10 years ago.

They showed it on some cable channels. I don't know. I don't think it was that, but maybe, yes, it was. Or TV or Plu. No, no, I think it was pre that. It was regular old cable TV. And boy, do they stand up. And boy, are they funny.

And you and Bob Odenkirk. and Sarah and Gene Garofo. What a, you know, they talk about the Mel Brooks, you know, that Woody Allen writer's room. Yeah, this was like a little of that. I mean, it was a real 27 Yankees. Yeah, and you know Judd Apatow was the head fucking writer. Yes, and Judd Apatel were helming at all.

So it was. And he and I, so I've had a falling out with all of those people, but a coming back also. So I've been like with me, they're like, oh, no, and you know what I think that's all about? It's about they don't want to be, they don't want to touch me. They don't want to be, if I'm doing something I shouldn't be doing. It's about you've demonstrated a million times that you're a crazy drug addict. That's what it's about. Let me tell you something.

And what's the problem? But you don't seem like that at all now. But you're going to have to prove that. It's been a while since I've done drugs. Even smoked pot, I was going to ask you about that. the thing on the sidewalk recently. Well, that was like three, four months ago. Well, that's a long time ago for me, sir.

I got to say, job one, we've got to switch this attitude. That's a long time. That is not a long time. That's a short time. It was about five months ago. Okay. As long as we're counting in months, we're so losing this battle. Yeah, yeah.

We got to think long-term, like forever. Yeah. And, you know, by the way, I thought I was smoking pot on the curb with people. But is this how your mind works? Yeah. I'm like, somebody was smoking out of a glass pipe. I said, is that pot? They said, yeah.

But it wasn't, and they were strangers, and I smoked it, and it was fentanyl. It was fentanyl. It was fentanyl. Do you know that? I didn't know that it was fentanyl. Well, I guess. It was so funny. There's so many ways I should kick you in the nuts.

for even posing that as my problem. Last or right. Let's go right. Let's not roll over this. Let's go right back to don't smoke strangers pipes. True. True that. No, no, really, I shouldn't have.

Here's my important. I think I was trying to escape from, by the way, I was escaping from the guy who's here now doing that movie on me. So I was trying to get away because they don't let me do anything, have fun or drink or anything. And I just ran across the street because they were all in a restaurant. I saw all these guys gathering around

on the curb smoke, and I'm like, shit, I don't smoke some fucking God. Ran out, ran across the street. Like, that's how it sounded. And I sat down smoked and died. And you were escaping your handler. If you want to call them handlers, some of them have handled.

You were escaping reality. I always am doing that. Okay, but so that was my question. This is an important question. Okay, okay, I'm listening. because you with the three or four months, five months, it was a long time ago, is that where your mind it always is?

Like, you really don't ever think this is going to be permanent. It's just a period in the cycle where you're sober, but you just know, and you're not even going to, therefore, fight it that hard. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Your question is so long.

I could have said yes, very earlier, much earlier. Well, yeah, I'm not. I do not, if you're asking, am I going to taste over for the rest of my life? There's no fucking way. And I would never want to be. Would you? No, but I don't take it to the... No, but I don't answer my question.

No, but I don't die on the sidewalk. Okay, that was... It's called the fentanyl mishap. Have you ever had a mishap? I know this just from when you were at my house. Do you remember that party where you left all that broken glass in the back? Yeah. I apologize.

And I didn't leave it. I threw a beer bottle, which is retarded. But it was into woods. Tons of woods, I didn't even know it was your prop. No, there were trees, like we all have trees in our yard. It looked like woods. You were tripping.

I saw a little red-bride in there. Woods, yeah. We were deep in the forest by my pool. It seemed like it to me. In Bel Air. It was rustic. It was not. Anyway, I don't care about that.

But what are you doing? I have all these notes for you. Notes. Oh, I have, I wrote five different limericks. I never had someone come here with notes. Well, I have, I wrote some limericks in the car on the way here. Oh, wow. Yeah.

You know, this isn't Fallon. What is that I do they, me? Oh, yeah, this is like a show where you just try to get to know people. We reminisce. This is a show where we, yes. Do we reminisce? make it almost completely exactly like how we would be. And I feel like we've achieved that so far.

I mean, because I really do like you and care about you. And always thought you, no, always that you were a giant talent. And like, and charisma. I mean, matter what you do, people will care about you until the day you die on the sidewalk. No. No, not on the, and you can laugh at yourself, which is a great. It's really not funny, but you're right. I did.

I was like, okay, but don't do it again. Charisma, I was listening to that. Yes, you have. The hidden brain on the way here. Okay. By Shonky, ding, dong, redonkin. The Indian guy on KCR. His name is what?

Shonky ding dongamalama redonkin. The Indian guy. I am Shankan, ding, dink. And he has a whole thing on charisma. I was listening to it on the way up. And it was, oh, interesting, because there were different types of charisma, charisma. You said it.

I thought you said, charisma. Is that a different variation? You said it. I messed up. No, charisma. Maybe that's like a feminine word. Is what you heard. Heurisma.

Maybe I have a little charisma. Well, I always thought I was secretly gay, Andy. If anybody reads gay, it's me. It really, it is. But you've never thought about that. Oh, I've thought about it. I certainly never been tempted to do it. But, you know, people are...

You thought, like, what would it be like? And then you get grossed out. Yeah. I can understand that. If I thought about it, I'd get grossed out. I don't think about it. I just go far. But you're like the ancient Romans.

In many ways. You wear a cape, I mean, a cloak. No. you the Roman civilization did not make a large

nor the Greeks nor Alexander Great the Great the Macedonia they did not make a giant strong

bold line between what we would call gay and heterosexual sex it was just sex it was just sex

and it was just if you're cute and I mean Alexander the Great I don't think would have thought himself gay he was a

strican fan We know that. But other than that, so am I, and I'm not gay. But, you know, his lovers that we know of were his generals. And you really don't know if you're gay, because you never tried it. You never went for it. It was so wrong to you. It was so like, you can't do it.

You can't do it. It's so wrong on every level. Politically, you're very political. Right? I've read that about myself. Yeah. I had a lot about that in here. But, you know what I mean?

Like, you can't be gay. You're not, you want to allow yourself to be. I feel like you're shading this more toward the more current view, which is that it's more of a social construct. And I am of the opinion that, no, you couldn't be, I couldn't be more supportive of anyone who wants to be, whatever they want to be. But there also is a default setting for humans,

which is built into our biology because that's how we make babies. And nature wants us to do one thing above all, make babies. Yeah, right. And we can't make one, Andy. We can try. I'm just kidding.

But, yeah. You remind me of, you know, like Jack Parr and who's the one I'm thinking of? That's your compliment. Alan. Steve Al. Steve Allen. Did you like him?

Steve Allen was my original mentor when I... Oh, in real life, yeah. Wait, you were... You knew him? Oh, very well. Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah. Oh, yeah, you really embody him.

Yes, I mean, for people who don't remember, I mean, I don't remember, he was the host of the Tonight Show. Yeah, he was the original. It was like there was an audience. There's no one here. Why do you, you don't let anyone be in the room? That's the genius of this. But I'm acting like there is.

There's no one here. It's just us. It's frightening almost. That's good. But he was the original... Yes, the number one. When... The original of the Tonight Show.

He was the original Johnny Carson. In the 50s. In the 50s. I wasn't born when it started. Right. Okay, that's where I was at. Right. He passed the torch to this guy, Jack Parr.

He passed it to Johnny in the early 60s, and he lasted 30 years, and then Jay Leno, and that's the history of the Tonight Show. But Steve Allen, this is the 80s. So he had long passed when he was hosted the Tonight Show. He did have other talk shows. but he never achieved the kind of success with the talk show outside of those first few years when he invented it that Johnny did, that Leno did.

He was kind of, I mean, by the... Did he do? He did everything, you know. He was a jack-of-all-trades, which was part of his problem. He was a songwriter, and he was a poet, and he wrote a million books, and he did Vegas and, you know, stand-up. So, yeah, but it was... And kind of political.

So you really are like you? Not political. But you're not political. political but you have political views well I'm very political yeah oh you are okay you've ever seen my show am I allowed to ask who you voted for who did you vote for oh god you know nothing about me I don't oh that's so interesting because I'm not political because I'm like dumb politically because you're passed out on the sidewalk is why you're not political that's why you know someone which is like

one of those my worst columns that is my worst demographic by the way but that's guy laughed. But that's hysterical. Yeah. No, the show is very... We're just crapped on you. You ever laughed. The show is very political.

Your other show. This one's not. Right. This one's not. Exactly. This is why I did this one, so it doesn't have to be. If it been...

If it goes there, it goes there. And I'm not political, so I was trying to... Like, I'm asking you to teach me... I will. What's going on? I will. So Trump...

So, like... Okay, here's how I think of Trump. He is a corrupt... Don't forget. I had that thing with his daughter on Jimmy Kimmel. What did he mean a thing? I touched her thigh like that, her bare thigh on Jimmy Kimmel. And it was a big controversy.

Ivanka? What year was this? It was before he was president. Otherwise, he would have kicked me out of the country. He would have. And you were sitting next to her on the couch? Yeah, because I was the first guest and she came on. I wanted to stay.

But you're supposed to stay? Yeah. You moved down the couch. Yeah, I moved down the couch. Yeah. I was right next to her. calf. But did something the rest of bear? You touching her?

They were shimmering. They were just there. No, no, but she had like this makeup that had glitter. And I'm like, why are your legs calling to me and they were shimmering? And I just brought my hand down. I thought maybe it came up in conversation or it was a joke. But you're saying no, just like an animal.

They were shimmering. Just like an animal. Like a raccoon to a shiny object. Yes. As long as we got that great. Yes. Just that. And then the... Okay, you can't do that, Andy. You can't... Tell me all the things I can't do. You can't do that. You can't...

What else, Dad? Okay. If you had me when you were 10. I didn't know you were 10 years old with him. I thought we were the same age, like the exact same. Did you have a rough upbringing? Can we... Can we blame it on that? Yes, actually. It was rough in that my dad

was in the military. I think you know this. He was a lieutenant commander on a submarine in the Navy, and so we moved almost every year. Every year... Oh, that is tough. Yeah, that makes it tough. But it makes a tough. But it makes me like, I have to be on. You know, if I'm going to be friends with anyone, I had to, you know, be, and they'd all come to me.

So I was a constant, I didn't want an audience. I always was the person that, tell me, like, who's this little faggot? Right. You know, and then I had to be like, hey, guys, I'm the new guy. Right. And it was really. That's interesting. Horrific.

Like, every time I'd be plopped into a new school, I was petrified. And it was all over the country? All over and Yugoslavia. I lived in Yugoslavia when I was 12. What part of Yugoslavia? Zagreb, outside of Zagreb. Oh, that's Croatia. Now it is.

Yeah. Remember, they've been through a bunch since then. Since I was 12, it was Yugoslavia when I was 12, in 1976 and 77. Were they nice? I think they were with the Nazis in the war. If I don't, if I don't, if there was a dig. I'm not mistaking. Not holding a grudge forever.

Croatia, but I mean... Tito was the... Tito was Yugoslavia. But that's where I was. Yes, I understand. In Yugoslavia, it was Yugoslavia at the time, and Tito was the president, not the dictator, he was the president. And then it all got punched up.

And before I was there, it was Serber Croatia, Herzegovina. I learned that one I was there. Yugoslavia was a... I was there one year. Was a quilt of six different countries. There was where Malani is from, Slovenia. Luca Donkich, also from Slovenia. Oh, okay.

Well, that's interesting. And I'm touching, was I touching Malani's daughter's leg? No, Melania is not Abanka's mother. Oh, okay. Well, they have the same kind of name. I started the beginning. The president is this guy, Donald Trump. Oh, yeah.

He was a game show host. No, he wasn't. Well, I mean, The Apprentice. Oh, that's right. Now you're really crap. It was a gay show up. Yeah. But, you know, that's where America is.

And, you know, I mean, we have a complicated relationship, both myself and the country. Do you think you would ever run for president? Of course not. Because you would be afraid to lose? First of all, I'm sorry. You don't want to be the president. I don't want to be.

I'm too old to be. Not too old? 70. Is that too old? Okay, I know. And why do you look so young, given that you drink and smoke so much pot? Want to hear one of my lyrics?

Limuricks? Because it has to do with that. Yes, I do. Let's do one. Oh, yes, you've spent all this time on that, see. Oh, here's something on a note about me, that my teeth are in the middle of fixing them, so that's why I'm not smiling a lot.

I'm going like this, because my teeth literally, if I smile, it looks like the before picture in the dental implant, the commercial. You know those commercials before, and I have before dental implants, they'd look like this. I'm not gonna show them. And then after they look all nice, white. See, this is why we have to get you working

to fill your hours with Canoaks, doing something constructive. I was talking. You know what, I need to construct or my fucking teeth. I need dental implants. Okay, but here's the thing. Get something in going. And quickly, okay, once there was a man named Bill Maher, quickly became quite the star.

He was politically pointed and he drank and joined drank and jointed. And had to trade in his car for a bar. That's what, that one's okay. It was off to a great story. Yeah, Bill Maher was a politics schmooze who loved his pot and booze.

When asked by Dick if he could have a slick, he said one lump or two. Bilmar knew the Andy Dick Dance and asked him on his show by chance while Bill drank and smoked. Andy just joked and surprisingly never took it out of his pants. That one doesn't, that's just, it's a joke on me, really.

But that was kind of clever, right? It is. And we have to, you know, I mean, you know, you can't give in to the haters and the people who just always want to find something and people who frankly just don't have a sense of humor. And, you know, most people do, you know. They do.

Here's another thing, I'm sure you missed. Oh, first of all, one thing before, Biden. He was the president before Trump, and he was, like, super old. And that was the big issue in the campaign. The big issue. Yeah. Oh, you knew this. No, but I...

No, because, you know, I don't know politics, but every time he would talk or whatever, I'm like, God, that guy, how is he running the country? then it had to be explained to me that he's not. All the people under him are running it. And he was just a weird like old man puppet.

Like one of the guys in the balcony of the Muppets, those two old men in the balcony. He was one of them. I'm like, he couldn't even talk. Well, Andy, you're, this truth's in this pile of dirt

you just dumped on my driveway. There's a few little nuggets I could do yet. It still wasn't broken black this time. Believe me, it was one of those things where I was like, you know what, a guy named Dick, made a dick move, and everybody already thinks he's a dick, and now I do too, and I never thought about it again. I'm trying to apologize and make it.

It's been so many years. No, I'm just saying, and that lasted like a week, and ever since then, it was never in my brain. I knew that you were a guy who was trying to get better, and, you know, people have... Bill trying. have, you know, like, it kind of breaks my heart a little when I hear you say, you know, like, no, please, I'm never going to not go back to the drugs because you know it's a rush

of New Let and at one point, yeah. But it's not that I'm going to go back to the drug. I don't want to, I do have a thing in my head and a promise to myself to not go back to any white powder, any white powder, because that was the thing. I saw white powder. I thought it was cocaine. Not cocaine. It can be fentanyl.

It can be math. Right. It can be a lot of different things. We're crushed up. So what are you going to stick to? Now, what is this? Pot. Yeah, I can smoke that.

I'm allowed to do whatever I want, by the way. I feel, of course, you are allowed. You're 60. I just, I mean, I feel like a terrible enabler, but it's like, please, if it's not me, I mean, like, you couldn't get pot somewhere. I can't. I don't. You know what, if you just would stick to pot. But here's what I'm saying is, like, it seems to me as we're doing something now,

I'm enjoying myself immensely. I think you, okay. So, but see, this isn't an issue for me. I enjoy life. You. Me too, me too. Okay, but if you can enjoy life. I enjoy life.

They're the one. But if you can enjoy life like this, then why do the, then why smoke somebody's fucking crack pipe? You know what I mean? That was a mistake. Because I was trying to get away from those people I was with. The only way to do it was to smoke a stranger's pipe. Well, I just wanted to go smoke some pot. I really thought it was pot.

I didn't know. we were in this world of, I had heard. This was like, fentanyl is kind of new, and I didn't know you could smoke fentanyl. I thought fentanyl was an injection. It's about as new as knowing Biden was old as new. You don't know anything. You're like, you're like, you're like, the guy in the movie,

remember the Peter Sellers movie being there? Yeah. You do? Well, yes. You could, that's, you see, like, that is a good idea. For you to redo, that, you know, I love Peter Sellers. That is actually a brilliant. idea.

It's a good fucking idea. Do you remember that movie? It was so celebrated. And that's my favorite actor of all of that. It's so iconic. And you could do that. I remember seeing it as a kid and not liking it. Like it was boring.

I mean, I think the only thing that could stop this from being a big hit is insurance. See, can you get in? Funny that you say that. Yeah, that's a good question. Okay. That's, you have to work on. We're working on that. You know, you have to rehabilitate.

your reputation. And then you can get, but people have done. That's why I'm doing your goddamn fucking show, dude. Well, this is the rehab show. We rehab people here all the time. You do you? Yes, I love doing you. Like who?

Army Hammer, Roseanne, Kathy Griffin, Charlie Sheen. Well, how did you rehab? Oh, you mean like, oh, because they got ousted by people. We call it canceled now, Grandpa. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. When you were around, it was ousted, dude. I don't know if you know that, kids. I go, oh, my God, I hope I'm not going to get ousted.

Was that the term back then? Oh, my God. No, I think I just came up with it. It's actually better. Yeah, it is. But you're right, canceled is the term. Cancelled. And the thing is that, yeah, they try.

They have tried so hard to cancel me. I'm uncancellable. Well, if you can't work, you are canceled. I mean, if you can't do the move you want to do, that's kind of the definition. You're right. But I'm working on that. Okay.

Right. Right here in this fucking seat. That's what I'm doing. Oh, I'm glad you're here. Well, I'm glad you let me. You know how many of it won't? Well, of course. Yes. Well, that's what cancellation means.

I know. But I'm not fully canceled. That's my point. Not fully. The door's cracked open a little bit, and I will slip my scrawny ass in there. I love making you laugh. I love it too. I love making you laugh.

It's why I love this show. I just sit here and laugh with people. So, wait, who, now, who was your last guest or your last couple? The one you can think of right on top of your head. Pope Francis. No. Not the actual.

No. He's not even a pope anymore. But you had him? Yes, Annie. The Pope is sitting right there. Well, you never know. He had to put his hat down and kept hitting the ceiling. But, no, I mean, we have, it's called club random.

It could be anybody. Ziggy Marley was here last week. That's who was here last week. Really? Wow. Yeah. And he would have been speaking of smoking pot. I'm allowed to smoke pot. No, he didn't do it.

Oh, he didn't? Is he sober? Which was one of the fascinating things about that interview. Because, no, it's apparently it's a, in the Rasta tradition, because it's quasi-religious. You know, therefore, like, you don't do it, like, just with anybody in any situation. I even said to him, if I joined the religion, will you do it with me?

But he didn't take me up on that offer. I guess they're not that desperate for converts to Rasta. What would you have to do? You might have to give up a baby. It would be like, you know, a Catholic, you know, just sitting around and taking communion, which is... Will you take a communion? No, I'm Rastafarian. Wait, no, you, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, are you hardcore?

Catholic. I'm hard. That's all I am. Well, that's because I'm on the show. But wait a minute. Are you, do you go to church still? No, I'm the world's most famous atheist, you morrow.

Oh, I forgot. Jesus Christ. I know. My memory is slipping. Or if you ever knew. I'm not insulted because you don't know about anything. No, I know. I won't even remember it if you insults. I had the hawk to a girl on. She knew more.

Who? The hawk too. You don't know who the hawk to a girl is? No. Did she go huck-to? Yeah, she was a... She spit on someone. Well, she described it, and it went viral, and she just became this enormous celebrity for ten minutes.

She was talking about, you know, I mean, it's sad in a way, because... Why? Well, because... Does she spit on you? No, no, no. Who did she hock-do? No, no. She did not.

She just described how you needed to do the spitting sound to do a good blowjob. What was sad is that we turned kids out of... high school and they have no other skills than knowing how to suck a dick i mean it's just we've let our children down you've got kids right yeah and grandkids grandkids isn't that something how old are the grandkids well i was just with the littlest there's two grandkids one coming in a few months out of my daughter can you say that phrase out of my daughter well i would assume yeah they're all girls. All my grandkids are girls. And they're little? Yeah, one of them's about one or two, and one of them between one and one, between zero and one. Well, I don't, do I have to know

their fucking exact age? I know I have three. There's still, one come, two and a half, one coming. They're still babies. Yeah, they're little babies. They have babies. And then your kids? I can bunk kick the middle one real good. And do you take the kind of, you take the kind of special glee that we see so off. I'm asking, sincerely, that we see so often in American, and anywhere around the world, people grandkids, I mean, look, as someone who never got married and hasn't been anywhere near. That's what I get sad for you about, because you are missing out.

I actually could cry, because it really is the sweetest fucking thing. No, you don't, for real real. You know, when my granddaughter sees me and any of the two right now, and the third one coming, she immediately, beams up, smiles, and will even laugh. And there's nothing better. Did you have that with your kids as well as the grade? Yeah, I still have that with my kids.

Really? But usually they're laughing at me. No, I have that. My kids and I... They're all good relations? Yeah, yeah. But there's been... So they don't hold...

They've taken, they've been like, no. He's not even my dad. They do that? It's never really said that, but it's gotten to that. Well, I'm asking, do... Do they distance themselves from you? They have, yeah. Publicly and privately or just publicly?

Both. Both. In a lot of ways, you're lucky you never had kids, but I would say it's way luckier to have. It depends on your personality. I mean, there's no... But you have the personality that a kid needs, this fucking, excuse me, America, and every kid in America needs a you. You need...

You're not... You're only 70. It's about... It is the cutoff point. You can still... get a hot young girl who's smart, cool, young, and young to you would be 40. I have it. And she doesn't want kids either, so it's great. No. What about a lot? A nice little black kid.

I don't know what's funny. That is so racist. I have a black boyfriend you could adopt. Do you have a boyfriend? I have people I see, but can I tell you something? Can we talk about sexuality a little bit in terms of my sex life in terms of my dick being dead? Now, is that happening to you because my dick is dead? I can't even masturbate. So I'm looking at those ads they have for testosterone boosting and shit like that. Do you do that?

No, of course not. Well, I have to do some fucking thing or give up sex altogether. No, I just think sometimes you need a reboot. First of all, you need to get clean. I guess you are now, right? Don't you notice? And I'm not taking medication. I don't...

None, except baby aspirin, because they say it's good for our hearts. You do know that the illegal street drugs you did, there's always a... What? I didn't... That I did. I did.

I accidentally did the fentanyl. Okay. I wasn't doing illegal stuff. I wasn't running around. Intense, well, I did go to... Let's not have a debate on whether you did drugs in your pet. Okay, let's just listen. Okay.

So, but there's always a counterpart that's the legal version of, you know, there's the, you know, you can go to the MacArthur Park and get the, what do you? So that's where the blue tent. What do you call it? The, the white lady, is that what you call it? That's what we do down at the white lady down at the station. Are you a slave to the white lady? The hair on. But, you know.

You want some hair on? I mean, cocaine is out of. They don't even have cocaine anymore. Why is that? This is when I need you as a political-type person. Because that's what you are. A political-type person. Exactly.

You're not- No, you're on the money. Yeah, you're a political-type person. You know what's up. You know, you've already told me because I asked you, you're not going to run for anything, which should have- I think that's ridiculous. I think you should. You'd be helping us. I might run for the door if you touch my calf like you did a month, but that's it.

I'm not allowed to touch people. I know there's a bunch of rules. None of us are allowed to touch people. I think that's weird. Well, it's not weird. Yeah, it is. It's not weird. I think that we used to be able to hug.

I hugged me. You're a producer. It has to. Both of the male one and the female one. Because we're friendly. We're normal human being. And we're processing the claims now. Anyway, Andy, it's,

It has to be a... Where do I sign? It has to be a... God, damn. It has to be... I'll sign with my dick, you bastard. It has to be a mutual thing. No, I know.

I know you mean. I know that, I guess. You're right. I see what you mean. I see what you're right. Let me just say this. I have heard people make the case. I'm not going to name names, but...

But it's not me. But it's not you. Okay. But I've heard people who have been accused of being way too handy on the set, shall we say. Yeah. And the excuse I've heard more than once is I'm a hugger. And I always just want to say to them, you know what, let's try this experiment.

If they hug you first, then feel free to hug. And let's see how that works. If you're not always the one initiating. That's a good one because if somebody hugged me first, I'd be weirded out because nobody hugs me. But that's what you're doing to them. But I see what you're saying. If somebody hugged me, I'd be weirded the fuck out. But I don't...

I think we're making so much progress. But that's the thing is that people come to me with open arms now. You're pretty... One of them, both of them. We're like... I hope... Did I... Yes, we...

Okay, okay. We like you. Thank you. I don't... Do you need a hug? You know what? I don't need shit. This show that I do, this podcast...

How is it? I do it because it's going great. And I do it because I love it. So I wouldn't ever have anybody here. I don't really want to talk to. I don't... I'm playing with the house money. You know what I mean?

I know, and you have a bunch of it. You do. What, you do. We're sitting in his guest house, which is bigger than the fucking, No, it's not. This is not the sober living. You know I'm living in the sober living. Oh, I had a great.

Oh, wait. No, I'm not. I had another great idea for you. Yeah, besides redoing being there, which is so good. You would be perfect. And my director is in the other room. He's going to. You have to.

You wrote that down. Demonstrate your sobriety first. But here's my other idea. You've heard about Mickey work lately. Know what happened now? Because he and I used to, hang on a minute. Let me tell you a couple stories about him. He and I had a fucking great time in the 90s.

Like right up into the 2000s. He was a very good friend. I love that fool. And he was in my apartment in, I think, downtown L.A. or West Hollywood. And he was banging some girl behind my couch. And I was watching TV, and I remember him getting up from behind my couch going, I'm almost done, and going back down. Okay, that wasn't your apartment.

It was Mel's Diner. And it was in all the papers, so I don't know. No, no. He's kidding. But what happened to him? Well, he was Joe Biden's running mate. Of course he wasn't. I can tell you anything.

I know, because I don't. know anything i believe everything you say after the spaceship's landed here's what happened what biden pulled out of the race because they said we need somebody younger then micky work he did not now mickey got uh he was living in a house that was not a good looking house not a good he's not he's not photographed not looking well well he's older he's not looking looking coming to the door we look good and and there was a story and i think he refuted it I guess somebody started a go-fund me so that he wouldn't get thrown out of this shitty house he was in.

And he said, I don't need your money. And he got thrown out of that. Apparently he did. My idea, you and Mickey work. I love him. I'll do it in half a second. Start a band, you know, something something in the sidewalks. What was that movie he did that's one of my favorite movies ever,

but not Barfly? What is... Nine and a half week. Oh, he was in that? Pope Vogranage Village. Both of them. And then there was another one about a bar with Colonel... News Radio?

That's not a movie. Oh, that's you. Hi! Mickey... I knew that. I was testing you. Barfly. Not Barfly.

We have to look this up. Mickey had a great... He was nominated for an Oscar. His debut was in Diner. No, it was the one, the punching one. The punching one. punching one. Nine and a half weeks.

Mickey Rourke. Wow. So many first. The first... Mickey Rourke movie. Would it be funny if he got on the phone now? Your phone thinks that you're calling him? Yes.

Why don't you call him? I don't have people's numbers anymore. Somebody went in my phone recently. What do you mean somebody? I don't know who. Okay, well... I've done so many fucking movies. You know, they get to the place where,

and they meaning even me, You just do any fucking movies. Somebody wants to do a movie. You're like, fine, I'll do it. Here's the difference between you and me. He was in the expendables. Remember that? He was in Iron Man True.

I would never say the sentence. The wrestler. That's the one I'm thinking of. Somebody went into my phone. Who? There's such a personal, private, important thing. But I'm not like you. Like, if you want to look at my phone,

I'd hand it to you in a half a second. Why? If you ask, because you ask. Don't do that. Now I want you to look at it. But how can you have nobody's numbers? Why don't you look right at my... Why don't you look at my photos?

How can you keep... Why don't look at my photos? How can you keep friendships if you don't have people's numbers? Maybe sometimes I... That's how I keep them. Look. There's so... Sometimes people are so afraid.

No, I'm not afraid, and I really... You're not. And I really like you. And I would love to give you my burner phone number. Oh, okay. You have one? Here, I don't know how to show my pictures. I'm trying to look at...

Oh, here. Look through my pictures and see if you find anything. I think fun here. Okay. Well, that's a man's ad. Anyways. What am I looking for? I don't know.

Just look at any of my picture. This is kind. Oh, is there a man's asses? No. I mean, there's a pregnant lady with a very tall guy. Oh, that's probably my daughter. Okay. I mean, now it's just super.

And you got like a million. This is your daughter? She's married to this very tall guy? No. My daughter. Who was that? That's him, well, she's sitting down. No.

She's sitting down. He's very tall. There they are standing. Okay. All right. So great. I'm so glad that you're proud of your kids. That's important.

You know, you want to earn their love again, don't you? Isn't that a big motivation in your life? Would you say that was a big motivation? Okay. No, I'm going to get out these dolls. You show me. me where you were touched. But you didn't have an abusive childhood, right?

I mean, we'd say rough. Talking about that. Where I was telling you. Sometimes I remember when I got my first colonic. Is that what turned you? The guy in the back laughs. All the weird thing. That's real.

I got a colonic because, allegedly, if you'd clean out the pipes. I do it. You healthier. Is that what turned you gay? You liked that? No. No, I've never been effed in the B. Really?

Never. Now, there's a scoop. I know. But when they put that tube up there to clean me out, I had this weird panic attack. Like, I freaked out. And it was almost as if, am I having some kind of PTSD flashback type situation

for something that happened to me as an infant? Because it had to have been because I have no memory. And even when it happened, I didn't happen. Well, I mean, Freud and Erickson would say that what happens in the anal stage, which is zero to two. I mean, there are stages. This is old book psychology. But I think it's probably still true. Certainly the anal stage.

You don't have actual memory of it, but very... When you're first pooping or something? Yes, exactly. Zero to two. Like how that was... Oh, okay. That makes sense. How you were treated.

You know, did your mother let you lie there? your own shit or did, you know, but you know what I think did happen? I think she wiped my butt too hard, like really trying to clean it. Because she was on, she was taking, weirdly, I think that too. Dex syndrome, really? About me or you? About you. Jesus Christ.

But anyways, she was taking dexterity and she's on speed, you know? How do you know that? She told me. She was on prescription speed. When you were born, do you think she was high when you were in the home? Well, but I was adopted, remember that? I don't. Oh, you were adopted?

I found my biological. Who were the wolves who raised you? No. They were good. They're both sad. So laugh it up. Do you know? Do you know?

Horrible, man. I am. No, you're not. Do you know who your real parents are? Mm-hmm. You do. I waited for my mom and dad, who were really my mom and dad, because they raised me. They raised me.

And then they died. And then I'm like, now can I find out who these other people were? Can you? That had me, and I did. I found them. Was it hard to find? It was. I had to pay money.

I had to get lawyers and I found my mother first. And then my mom didn't want to give me the name of my dad because there was something that was involved. They can talk about it. I'm not going to talk about what happened when I, why, how I was conceived or whatever. Do you understand what I'm saying? You can put two and two together. But then anyway, she finally sent me a letter with an envelope

inside the envelope with his name and number on. I'm like, that's fucking weird. And I called him and he's my biological. Are you following? Yeah, I'm listening. And then I got in touch with him, and he hung up the phone and said, I don't have a song, and hung up and went.

Do you think he did that if we had any? No, he didn't know. He didn't know who you were? He didn't know he even had. What? He didn't know he had a, any baby oh so wasn't she got pregnant didn't tell him went to an old other state all the way across the country from one state so he didn't he didn't hang up had me and then

uh never told him ever i'm was the first one to say hi i'm your son can you believe not put me yourself in his shoes yeah he hung up i don't know what you're talking about he has a texas he's from diapers Fuck you. I don't know who you. You believe that. It's so real and true. Well, I mean, it's a terrible way to handle it. Well, he didn't know, and he thought it was a joke. No, I think, in a terrible way. Oh, let me hear more.

That doesn't sound like he thought it was a joke to me. That sounds like he thought, I'm an old coot, and I got this comfortable life, and I don't need this big complication. Yeah, that might be it. I mean, maybe I fucked up. might be right because I think she did tell him. If I fucked up 60 years ago, sorry, I don't even know that guy anymore, okay? That was some...

Anymore, he never did. Okay, no, I'm talking about himself. Oh, right. I don't remember who 18-year-old... And she was 16 and he was 18. Yeah, it was, you're right. They were the kids. They were kids.

They had me. Right. Sorry for... That's how you know I had good genes because they were young. Well, I'm a good, you know. That's bad. At least he didn't hang up because it was you. Right. He just hung up because it was somebody.

It could have been anybody. Corey Feldman could have called him and he would have hung up. I'm sorry. How's he doing? I was going to say, he's not certainly in the category of you and Mickey work. He's actually quite successful. He's doing good. Yeah.

But I think a band like that of people like that could do very well. You, Mickey Rock, anybody else? Well, instrument would you play? I'm not in the band. I would play. Where's my little thing? Does I have a... Oh, my God.

Look at you. Well, I have an instrument. Who knew that you would be the most prepared guest we've ever had? They would take my briefcase away. What do you want? Wait. I play the slide whistle. Yeah, I'm glad they took it away.

No, I mean, I love the slide whistle. Who doesn't? I mean, to me, it's just Enya, Yanni, and the slide whistle. And that's an amount. Anything else? I'm like, well, maybe, you know. I was just listening to Enya. Really?

You listen to Enya? I love Enya. Enia is very talented. I mean, there are some things. There was something on her. It's very... No, some of it is very... She lives in a castle.

This is what I saw. I subscribe her. whatever, to her Instagram, her Instagram, her real Instagram. Oh, so you're on Instagram and you know who Enya is? Well, I love Enya. She's great. And she lives in a castle by herself, never married. No, she's like he.

Dude, oh my God, you and Enia. Oh, my fucking Jesus, dear Lord, sorry to take your name and name. No, please, dear God, please, in the Catholic Church, if you could, if I'm a, poor Dan Ginnisor, I could marry you. Please let me marry Bill Maher and you. Is Anya Irish? Yes. I'm Irish.

I'm getting chills up all the way out my back. No, I mean, that's not like... Dude, she lives in a castle that she owns. She lives with 30 cats. Yeah. Do you like cats? No, that doesn't sound good. You're going to have to deal with the cats.

She's still beautiful. And that cage... And she lives in a castle that she owns like you. Well, first of all, a castle. Think about it. I'm not telling you to answer. I want you to think about it, too. This is actually a really great idea. On the way here, and for no reason, Enya came into my Instagram, and I was looking like, what's going on with her? I went nuts on her music. Maybe we were here to put good ideas in each other's minds, you know. But I think mine are better. I think you doing being there. Well, then I'll marry Ania.

It's a great comeback. I'll move in to the castle. But no, you've got to commit. Is the show over yet? Because I have to pee anyway. I can hold it. How long can you hold it, or do you want to... 20 minutes. You're perfect.

Okay. What else do you want to talk? I'm just interested in you. What's your day like now that you're... Well, I'm living... See, I can never know who I'm allowed to talk about, you know what I mean? Based, you know, because of them. I live with, well, I'm living with an ex who I'm actually married to.

A woman. Yeah. Yeah, you like one. My second, yeah, my second baby mama. Oh, cool. She doesn't like that phrase. Right. That title.

Sure. Second baby mama. First of all, baby mama alone. Not good. And then second baby mama. You're really crap. Like, she's my wife. How do you like that?

Do you like that? Does she like that? Who knows? You can't call the men. Am I right about that? Well, no. You can't say anything. Well, you can say...

She's the one I love the most. Okay, I can say that, which I really do. I do love it. Oh, really? I love her. I love her. I think that's your soulmate. Probably.

One of them. Are you allowed to have me? Well, that sort of negates the point. Well, you're one of my soulmates. Comedicical. Not sexually. No, but, you know, we're basing that on a very brief amount of intercourse. Social intercourse.

What did you think I meant? But any woman who gets with you is going to know that sometimes, I was fascinated to hear you say you never had sex in the naughty place. Never. See, when I think gay, that's what I think. Sex and the naughty place. And you don't think of me when you think gay, don't think of me. No.

Because I'm not. Fuck no. Jesus Christ. Just shut up. I'm serious. Don't think that. I'm a top. Have you heard of that?

Oh, you wish I thought that. Yeah. Wow. No. But so that just leaves oral. I guess that's enough, huh? I have done that. Only be, they want it.

I don't. I don't even want it to be done to me. It has to be done right or it's just not worth it, is what I would say on that. I guess. That would be my. pronouncement. I'm trying to stop you. I'm trying to help you.

That is my pronouncement on blood jobs. It has to be done right, though it's not worth doing it all. There are any girls out there that can do it right. It's kind of how it sounds. I know, but it's not because I'm arrogant, it's just because we all have our own... I remember some of your girlfriends

and we're going to get into it. Preference. I think, no, everyone in the world has the right to think the same way, and I think everybody else does think the same way. Like... I don't think so. I don't like a blowjob, and you do, you just said.

I don't. You know why I don't? Because I had so many in high school. So many, everybody was sucking my dick. Really? All the time. Men and girls? Yes.

Really? You were that popular. If that's the word you want to use... Well, it's certainly a word that would not apply to me in high school. No one was sucking my dick. Well, popular is that, I don't know if that, I just, I was very sexual. That's the word I would use. I was very sexual.

I was looking at it. I wanted people to suck my dick. Oh, of course. Again, all do. But what I'm saying is like some people. You weren't popular? No. I was popular, but only because, like I told you before, I was plopped in a new, I was

accidentally popular. That's what I was trying to get to earlier. Every time I moved to a new city, a new state, I was the new guy. I was the new guy. I was like, accidentally popular. But that's even... Do you understand? I do.

It's more... I'm like, okay, suck my dick. It's even more impressive that you... I had the captain of the football team sucking my dick. You got strangers to do it. Like, you think, you know, if you're in the school system since... I don't like the word strangers, but like, it's like new friends. We were all kids.

We were all young. Teenagers. I think there is a difference between even just our 10-year difference. I think there is a difference. between me in high school in the early 70s and you in the early 80s. I do. I think there was a lot more of this kind of stuff. There was?

Yeah, I think I would think there was a lot more in the early 70s. If they were, they were not inviting me. Can I ask you a personal question? Are you like short and little and diminutive little kid? You like a little kid? I was average like I am now, just five. But then you just weren't very sexual. See, I was very sexual.

My libido was high and I was looking for it. I was a magnate. I think I had my smelled like a pheromone. I was beyond sexual. It was just all happening with my hand in my bedroom. See, I didn't learn how to masturbate. A guy had to teach me how to masturbate. That's preposterous.

It's real. I was doing it. I didn't even know there was such a thing. I didn't even know there was such a thing that's coming. I was doing it. A friend said, let me show you, let me show you, let me show you. I'm doing it to you. look, ghost-like.

And then I'm like, what are you doing? And I was like, what was that? That happened to me. Boy, oh, okay. And that was in high school. The way these AI videos make it look like you're jerking me off. It's just ridiculous, folks. You know, you don't know what's real, folks.

That's all I'm saying. Have you heard about the war? Did you see that? Yes, I heard of war. You did? I saw those drones. You heard what? Are those real?

Yes, and I know we're wrong. I saw all those drones on the way here. all those drones, how would they make them make a whole, like, sword, there was all these different swords, and they, how do they do that? The Chinese? Well, it's the Chinese, and then is that political?

Neither one of us needs the trouble. Great to see you. So good to see you. Thank you. Give me a hug. All right. All right. So much, funny. Now, remember all the things I said today? We made a lot of progress.

We did, didn't we? And those lyrics are hysterical. I mean, it just shows... When you, when you, like, have something to do with your mind, you can do great things. Imagine if you put this energy into a script. You should go home and watch being there. The old Peter Sellers movie,

and then start thinking about how you could redo it. There was a couple other ones, but it might be. Those were... You have a real gift for that. I just wrote them in the car. Now, can I have this cup? Yes, you can have it. It's $5.

No, I'm going to be it. You're the best, buddy.