Club Random with Bill Maher - Bill Burr | Club Random Classics with Bill Maher

Episode Date: November 20, 2025

On this month’s Club Random Classics: Bill Maher and Bill Burr chop it up about, cancel culture, aging out of drinking, kids killing the vibe, self-driving cars, and the age-gap roast-off between the two Bills. They also get into Maher’s leopard-shoe incident, the absurdity of award shows, Burr falling hard for his wife, and his thoughts on The Beatles. This episode first aired May 12, 2024. Support our Advertisers: Check out https://www.squarespace.com/CLUBRANDOM to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code CLUBRANDOM If you’re hiring, you CAN find qualified candidates right away, time and time again—with ZipRecruiter. You can try it for FREE at https://⁠ZipRecruiter.com/RANDOM Try Claude for free at https://⁠claude.ai/clubrandom Check out Zyn.com/find to find ZYN at a store near you Subscribe to the Club Random YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.youtube.com/c/clubrandompodcast?sub_confirmation=1⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Watch episodes ad-free – subscribe to Bill Maher’s Substack: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://billmaher.substack.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you listen: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://bit.ly/ClubRandom⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Buy Club Random Merch: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://clubrandom.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices ABOUT CLUB RANDOM Bill Maher rewrites the rules of podcasting the way he did in television in this series of one on one, hour long conversations with a wide variety of unexpected guests in the undisclosed location called Club Random. There’s a whole big world out there that isn’t about politics and Bill and his guests—from Bill Burr and Jerry Seinfeld to Jordan Peterson, Quentin Tarantino and Neil DeGrasse Tyson—talk about all of it.  For advertising opportunities please email: [e-mail] ABOUT BILL MAHER Bill Maher was the host of “Politically Incorrect” (Comedy Central, ABC) from 1993-2002, and for the last fourteen years on HBO’s “Real Time,” Maher’s combination of unflinching honesty and big laughs have garnered him 40 Emmy nominations. Maher won his first Emmy in 2014 as executive producer for the HBO series, “VICE.” In October of 2008, this same combination was on display in Maher’s uproarious and unprecedented swipe at organized religion, “Religulous.” Maher has written five bestsellers: “True Story,” “Does Anybody Have a Problem with That? Politically Incorrect’s Greatest Hits,” “When You Ride Alone, You Ride with Bin Laden,” “New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer,” and most recently, “The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody But Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass.” FOLLOW CLUB RANDOM https://www.clubrandom.com https://www.facebook.com/Club-Random-101776489118185 https://twitter.com/clubrandom_ https://www.instagram.com/clubrandompodcast https://www.tiktok.com/@clubrandompodcast FOLLOW BILL MAHER https://www.billmaher.com https://twitter.com/billmaher https://www.instagram.com/billmaher Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, what's up, flies. This is David Spade. Dana Carvey. Look, I know we never actually left, but I'll just say it. We are back with another season of Fly on the Wall. Every episode, including ones with guests, will now be on video. Every Thursday, you'll hear us and see us chatting with big-name celebrities. And every Monday you're stuck with just me and Dana. We react to news, what's trending, viral clips.

Follow and listen to Fly on the Wall everywhere you get your podcast. This episode of Club Random is brought to you by Squarespace, the all-in-one website platform that lets you build a real online presence, not just another digital landfill. If you're like me and aren't too tech-savvy or can't afford your own web page developer, then you've got to check out Squarespace. Go to Squarespace.com slash club random for a free trial. When you're ready to launch, use code Club Random to save 10% off your first website or domain. if you're still using Facebook as your home page, it's time to evolve. Well, in this month's Club Random Classics, we go back to Bill Burr with zero filters, duh, and plenty of punchlines.

Cancel culture, aging, marriage, being a director for hire, we cut through the crap and nothing's off limits, as usual here. It's funny, it's rude, it's entertaining. I loved it. We get along in our way. So grab a drink and brace yourself for that one. Bill? Hello, William.

You're there. Yeah, so we're not confused. All right. What's going on, sir? Man of your word. Yeah. I showed up. You showed up.

You said you're one and you did. That means a lot to me. I appreciate it. Well, the bar is set low if that's all it is. Like, who doesn't show up? People, are you kidding? You in show business? That's why I don't have guests, for the most part.

I don't have guests because I don't want to deal with that. That is something I also am somewhat in awe of. I couldn't do that. There's some things I can do, I think, at show business is as good or better than anybody. But then there's things like improv I couldn't do. Rap, there you go. Especially right up the dome. Yeah, well, that's amazing.

That blows my mind. But also, but just talking straight. to the cat you know just just starting and it's just you rush limbo did it yes he did and you do it but that is a rare skill my friend to just go it's probably some personality flaw in the rest of my life but in in that moment it's definitely it works so well i know a lot of people that would it would agree with you well i mean don't you have a childhood that uh lends itself to humans humor because of, who was the Boston comic who used to say, he had a bad father like you did.

And he was like when Bing Crosby's kids were like talking about how Bing Crosby was, remember that? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he was like, hey, my dad used to hit us with, my dad used to hit us with your father's record. You know, that was a Boston comic. I forget who it was. Yeah, yeah, there was, but yeah, you have fodder, you know, like all of pain in life is fodder for art, right? Yeah, I mean, I guess that's, it's kind of how it works.

I mean, that's class. Look at that. I just, I used to, when I used to drink, I used to just fill it up until it was above the ice cubes. Well, I used to drink like that too, but, you know, we all have to throttle back as we get older. Those are my, I like that joke that used to do. said if you don't stop drinking as you get older you start looking like a Kennedy yeah but it's not it's not Ted Kennedy i mean he did have that he had a lot of demons no but he had it he would have been a hell of a stand-up all the pain that guy had and then the pain he caused Ted Kennedy oh my god he would have crushed it that giant head i know stories about him from like let's keep it light huh what could be what you're going yeah you're going to

Ted, you get Teddy Darkness. Can I smoke a cigar in here? Of course. You can do whatever you want in here. But I dated someone whose mother, like, was someone he visited as a lady. They had a book club. By the way, you were very good as Jack Kennedy in the Seinfeld movie. Oh, thank you. That was a perfect. I had a great. Perfect casting. So good. I've loved it. you know what? I have to say, and Jerry was here just a few days ago, I heard terrible things about it. To be honest. I don't know why. Because I think younger people didn't know some of the references. I don't think they even saw it yet. I don't know where that came from. And then I watched

it. I was like, wow, not only is the concept so genius, the juxtaposition of the most trivial thing in the world, breakfast series, with all that stuff that was going on in the 60s, NASA and the Cold War, you know, all that... But what's funny is the battle that Kellogg's imposed, it's the same battle that people are fighting with Army. I loved all of that. I also loved when they went to the grocery store, when Post and Kellogg's are racing to get their Pop-Tarts there, did you notice one truck was a Ford, one was a Chevy? No, I did not. Like, there was a lot of, like, little things in there. Oh, there were. But what's funny is, true.

reading it as if it was the end of the world, the space. Yes. That's what was funny. The Anne Khrushchev, that it was important in the Cuba, the Cold War, El Sucre, all that stuff. And the pacing, for a first time director, I thought, I loved that about it, but it just moved. Comedians make good director, though. They do. Like, who else would be in that category?

Does this guy, Bill Burr directed this movie, Old Dads? Yeah, I saw it. It was good. You're right. I thought you're going to see. I didn't think it was that. good. No. I didn't know you. My heart just went down like that. I was like, oh, God, I just set myself up. I actually didn't know you directed it. I directed it because there was no one available. That's the

reason why I did it, because we were coming out of the pandemic. So all the directors that were going to shoot something in 2020, whenever the hell it was, they didn't shoot it because we were quarantined. And then they were like two projects behind. So they started pulling that like, it's going to go away. You have a big future in filmmaking, very much like Luis E. But, you know, without the church. Yeah, but Louis just making movies on his own. I know. Did you see that one?

I loved it. That 4th of July, which you'll list? Yes, absolutely. No. I mean, don't get me started on that, but I, isn't it time everyone just went, okay, it wasn't a cool thing to do, but it's been long enough. And welcome back to the world. You took $50 million from me. I think they punished them.

Enough. Enough. Not every, I mean, for Christ's sake, it's not the end of the world. people have done so much worse things and gotten less. There's no rhyme or reason to the Me Too type punishments. Well, it's like most things. It started off with something everyone could agree on, and then quickly it just spun out of crime.

I remember whenever that cancel culture got to the point of where it was, I don't like some of the topics in your stand-up act. Right. Yeah, that's when it got weird. But, like, that's all over. It's all over. That's, that's over. Cancel culture?

Yeah, no one cares anymore. That's so, that's so not true. Either one of it could get canceled in the next two minutes. No. For what? Well, if you're not doing anything, it was just like, you, you did this joke about, you know, this group of people or that group of people, and I've decided. I, you know, it's, I don't know. I feel like I'm going back two years in my life.

I mean, I don't even, I don't even think about it anymore. Nice ashtray, by the way. Isn't that lovely? Yeah. I've never known where I got anything. I probably should. Somebody gave this to me. Yeah.

That's the kind of thing they used to give you when you retired after a while. You're watching an ashtray. When you think... Martini shaker. When you think about, like, how much, you know,

when you, I don't know, you probably had similar upbringings, you know, you treasured like almost every physical thing you had, even though it was a hand-me-down. Like you had just certain things in your little room. And then as you go through life,

so much stuff and you don't even know where you got all the stuff. Well, you know what about that? What's great about that is there's no upgrade. And everything became like disposable. Like, like, electric cars are like laptops. Like after a couple years, like, they're not worth anything

because of like the technology, which doesn't even make sense. But like same thing with like a laptop, with phones, all of that stuff. What do you drive? What do I drive? I'm a truck guy. I got a Ford F-250. and I have an old F-100. Really? Why?

The same reason, why does a guy drive a Ferrari down sunset strip and never take it to a racetrack? That's what he's into. My Ferrari is I always wanted a Ford F-250, 8-foot-bed, regular cab. Why are you hauling dirt? Is that guy going to the racetrack? Have you ever driven one of those on a racetrack? You cannot flip them over. They're unbelievable.

The technology and the respect you get for racing of what they're putting their bodies through, because I didn't, you know, I was driving like an asshole. I finally realized that you try to go smooth around the track, not trying to just stomp on the gas and slam on the brakes, but like, I like driving, that's why I like cigars. I like going slow because my brain goes fast and there's something about driving a truck,

it's slow, it slows me down, and I can think. You like driving. I love it. Me too. I would hate to be at that stage or for whatever reason where I had to be driven everywhere, you know. I mean, sometimes you do, like when we're on the road,

probably get picked up by somebody. Right, you're not driving yourself in Cincinnati. Right. But it's something, and I see these electric cars now next to me on the highway. That, I mean, not like self-driving cars. That's insane. First of all, can I ask you a question?

Why do we need that? I'll never get used to it. is the bottom line is I don't think I will like some things like I don't fight progress I mean we all love our phones come on it would put a little computer like that in your pocket that does so many things it was it changed everybody's lives mostly for the better and some for the worst when it's done to kids heads really fuck them up kids heads my head I can't like I I stayed off instagram for a month and my short-term memory got like it felt like 30 percent better and I realized like oh maybe I'm not getting dementia, I just think

my brain is like getting scrambled, like, the amount of times I'm sitting there going like, put this down, put it down, talk to your wife. It's supposed to be watching this movie with her. And like something on TV, I'll be like, is that guy still alive or like, what kind of car

is that? And then I'm just fucking, I'm like that and I miss the... You mean you're looking up the answer to those questions? Which then, and then that leads me to videos and then I'm just going, like, I never saw that movie girl interrupted. And I I saw it on the Criterion channel. I want to watch that.

And there's all these great actors in it. I want to see this. So I put it on and something in there reminded me of one flew over the cuckoo's nest. And I was trying to think of the cast, you know, who was in it. Danny DeVito was in, young Danny DeVito and all of that. And I just went down this thing. And all of a sudden, it felt like 10 minutes. And the credits were rolling.

And I was going like, like someone, I forget, somebody won an Oscar on that movie. And I like totally spaced on it. think that might be the difference in our generations, which is not that. I mean, we're maybe like 13 years apart. You're one of my elders, man. I respect you for that. I feel like I'm in the Reagan Mondale debate. No, I just remember when you did my podcast. You kept in like, I'm not that much older than you. And I'm not. And the 13 years is a long fucking time. Well, I think the point I made that and I'll remake it for you is that to anyone young who is what we care about in this generate in this discussion because it's like well we don't want to lose that audience trust me when

you're 25 you and i are the same and i told you this story about how dare you when uh trust like you paint look at you when leno and conan were going through that whole thing that we all remember as comedian so well remember the fight for the crown at the tonight show and like it was 2009 and i was with my girlfriend was 25 at the time and we were talking about it and i said well you know, it's a big age difference. Leno's 59 and Conan's 46 and she went, yeah, that's the same thing to me. And I always remember that.

So, we're this, we are the younger audience. No, no, if you and I are just like hanging out talking, but if we go back far enough. You're a dad. If we go back like... That adds 10 years. You're married and a dad. See, I don't. No, it doesn't. Yes, it does. You just hate kids. I do.

But like, having never gotten married, not married, not kid. That definitely closes that gap anyway the point being i don't like how you just made that point and then said anyway really quickly before i could refute it anyway did you learned that in debating class i did because you said anyway i'm going to roll with that no well i mean you got to play you but it's like i mean you're like pre-stand-up spotlight you know as far as like you know what does that mean i mean that's just i mean you were like comedy on the road evening at the improv i mean that's yeah that's a whole different generation than mine i was the point i was going to make

is that we this to me says two different generations like i don't think many people from my generation ever have what you just described this this addiction to social media going down rabbit holes uh the attention span issue here where you you're watching something but it makes you think of something else and then you go to that just what you were just telling me yeah uh that's like very alien to me one of the best things you did for societies you didn't have kids well you Thank you. I know you meant that in a snarky way. No, no, but I, no, we need more people like you. We do.

That can just admit that I don't want to deal with this shit. The worst thing is, is when a person who doesn't want to have kids has kids because they think they're supposed to do it, and then they fucking don't like them, and then that kid has to spend their whole life without that love, and then they meet my kid, and then they're a fucking asshole to them. So then it's what ends, or they met us or whatever. So, like...

Has that happened? You've had kids, your kids have had to encounter kids who you thought were shitty kids because of the parents being shitty? Well, that's my favorite things that they say, like when they go, you know what, kids are mean? And you know what I always say to them? I always say, yeah, you know who makes kids? God. So stop, like, worship in this guy every fucking Sunday. He makes mean kids who say shit to other kids who make people who don't want to have kids who end up having kids.

kids and then those kids don't get love and then they go to school and they're fucking mean and they say stuff to kids they carry it for the rest of their lives like if anything i can instill with my kids is like like i'm the attribute i has as a father's i remember what it was like to be a kid so one of the big things is when in the morning time when my kids are getting dressed my wife picks out the clothes if they're like i don't like this shirt i'm like wear one that you like because if you go to school with I don't like my shirt energy your shoulders are going to be slumped

and then they're coming at you I want you liking your shirt let's start your day liking what you're wearing I wish I had someone to tell me that most of my schooling I would say most I went to school with a knot in my stomach

yeah you got yeah you got picked off because even if I wasn't it was always the potential and sometimes I was it just never felt right to me if you're a control freak which I kind of am childhood is a kind of torture

because you just do not have control yet I got happier as I got older because I got more control I don't need to control you know what night I remember the first night when I moved out and I was on my own and I remember just being out

and having nobody to answer to when I got home and I was just like this is fucking amazing it's an exhilarating feeling Yeah, but then what you quickly realize is you have to become your own parent, which you have to tell yourself it's time to go to bed or maybe you're drinking too much or something like that because I saw, you know, you see, you watch people mess up, not just show business, but just careers in general because they, they, you know, they can't, like, I feel like the people that had the most overbearing parents a lot of times, like just that feeling when they finally move out of freedom, it's like literally, I can't It's, I think it's too much for him. Yes, it is. It's, you know what it is?

It's, it's, uh, Morgan Freeman, no, who's the other guy in Shawshank Redemption, who. Tim Robbins. Yeah, but no, the guy who, he gets out of prison and he can't handle it. Because he's so used to prison. And now he's like, he's working at the supermarket. And he says, can I take a pee boss? And they say, you don't have to ask every time. just take a pee, you know, and he can't hack it.

There is something to that. I mean, the mind is a strange place. I feel like people that watch 24-hour news networks get institutionalized to blame colors of ties rather than the corporations behind them. And they will just sit there convinced that, you know, Trump is the worst thing that happened to this country or Biden is the worst thing that happened to this country. And it's just like, you know, you might want to just kind of push through that veil

a little bit further. Yeah. And so I kind of have this thing, like, when I get around, like, the 24-hour news zombies, I just, Jesus Christ, was that Geritol? Nobody under the age of 50 got that one. Remember that? I was on the Lawrence Welk show.

He used to pedal the geratol. To my point, the 25-year-old is watching this going, look at these two. old guys. They're not going, oh, the guy with cigar is obviously 13 years younger. I know, but you have to go all the way down to 25 to appear my age. Um, well, um, I don't, I don't see. Look at the difference. Look at the difference. You can just see the way we, the way we dress. We're not different people. This is like, you know, you come from, you know, the slacks generation. Like slacks were still a thing. These are not slacks. No, but slacks were a thing. No, I look good. That's the

different is that you were wearing sneakers. You don't look good. You're wearing sneakers. You got a tee shirt on like I. You look like a fucking defendant. Look at you're trying to beat him drinking and driving charge. He doesn't have any priors, Your Honor. Look at him. He's wearing his Chelsea boots. He's he's a fucking, what do they call it, a productive member of society. He needs his car for work. I think that this should be a suspension, not a, not a full-on. that's good you ever get busted for that what drink it and driving yes i had a DUI in 92 it was a nightmare could have wrecked my life because it was just as i was starting politically incorrect and i had to get a special dispensation from the court to interrupt my 14 week

corrective program that you have to go to when you get a DUI um and uh if he did i I would have killed to watch you in that classroom, having lost all that control. Oh. And just having to sit there in that desk. Well, it was everybody who got a DUI. I mean, it was just a cross-section of society. We were in criminals. We were just like people, just douchebag millennials coming home from a club, and we had one too many, and we're driving too fast.

When I was stopped, I happened to be wearing leopard print shoes. Now, if you think I wasn't going to get a ticket that night, and, you know. I want to hear why? What sort of party were you going to, where that seemed like? It wasn't a party. It was 1992. I had just done a sitcom and it was wardrobe from the sitcom I had. I guess we thought, you know, don't ask me about clothes.

I'm sure you wore also ridiculous things in the day. No, I did, but I didn't, like, leopard print was always like. Leopard. That was always for that woman of a certain age that wanted, you know, one more lap around the block. She'd go to a local watering hole and she wear her leopard print blouse. Well, I'm sure some cool people have worn leopard print in the past. I'm sure I could find pictures of rock stars. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Okay. But they can wear, they can wear anything. Anyway. Not Bill Maher reading the New York Times driving around fucking leopard print shoes. You know what I really resented? And they were, I mean, they were hard. If you missed a meeting or if you were late by even one minute, you had to repeat the whole program. You had to go to six AAA meetings, which I really resented because I was a little over the limit,

but it doesn't mean I was an alcoholic. So I had to go to these meetings, and we would go around the room and everybody would say, Hi, I'm Phil, I'm an alcoholic, I'm Bob, I'm an alcoholic. I wouldn't say it. I just wouldn't. Hi, I'm Bill. I'm not an alcoholic. They made me come to this class.

That's great. They said that. Yeah. No, and this thing, alcoholics are cool. They would be like, all right, I get it. Yeah, absolutely. And I wasn't the only one in there like that. You know, and I also, that like part of being an alcoholic is drunk drivers passing through your classes and groups of them.

Yeah, I got busted in 89. So at the, if you got this DUI. That was like a part of growing up. That's all you did was drive drunk. And the thing about it is, is there was no Uber back then. So you just kind of had to like, we were all idiots and we didn't understand that we could kill somebody. Even in the ladies, they dragged the wreckage there. You just had that young, stupid brain, like, it's not going to happen to me.

So that was end up being, that was, like, the best thing that happened to me because that happened when I was 21, and I was already starting to feel, like, 21 felt old to me then. And I was like, what am I doing? You know, I'm going part-time to college. I'm unloading trucks, and I'm getting shit-faced, and I'm broke every Thursday, waiting for my check. What am I doing? Like, how long can I do this? That is what has made you, the guy who sells stadiums, which is very, very few comics.

I know, but you played the size of an audience that very, very, very, very few comics do or ever get to do. Not that many wouldn't even want to, but they don't even get the option. But it all comes from, you are in every man. Every crate you lifted, all that stuff, they see in you, which, and you, of course, very funny and great at your craft, But, like, there is a emotional connection that they have to you. Well, you know what is? It's a very valuable thing. I think that where I grew up, though, is another thing.

Because I've grown up, I'm trying to, like, I have a hard time thinking of people in my life, all my childhood friends, everybody I worked with, every place I worked, everybody was funny. There's a weird thing about, oh, my God. Dude, there was. Rick and funny? Dude, there's guys I went to high school. school with, I'm still not as funny as they were. And the thing about it was, what made them even funnier was they weren't trying to be funny. Well, they must be really pissed off. Because they're still carrying the crates. No, they had, they had, they had good childhoods.

They had cool parents and like, they were happy. And they said they're funnier than you. I mean, as far as I remember, like they, they, they, like, some of the guys that I, I can't even explain, like they, they, they, they, they, they, there's a difference, like, I, they, there's a difference, like, I, tell the story, they were the story. Like, these guys, they would get into a fucking fist fight. They didn't care where they were. And I always like, just looked at, they were like,

they were free. I just loved, like, I would be like... Because they were kids. Because when we're kids, everything's funny. Everybody seems funny. You're just, you're just filled with so much extra energy and part of it you expend just giggling and laughing. If you're in a good mood and you're not... No, these

guys were fucking funny. I don't think that. I remember one of my... remember it that one. No, I had a buddy of mine. He fucking, you know, all my friends gambled. He was losing so much fucking money on the Houston Rockets. He kept doubling down thinking that they were going to win and they kept losing games. They had these great players. And he literally called long distance information, not joking. He said in Houston, last name Elijah won. And he didn't say he was going to do it. He went up and did it. And we just looked over and we just started fucking like. He was high. but he literally thought that he was going to get Akeem Elijah on the phone and he was going to read him the riot act the way he played that night. Like, I'm talking about that shit.

Like, I would have done that as the joke just so everyone would hear it. He did it dead serious. I'm talking about guys that would go in to get their haircut and they had a fucking joint behind their ear and they would comb out their hair and it would fall.

Like, they were fucking hilarious and they weren't trying to be just how they lived their lives was fucking hilarious. By the way, that was the same guy. My friends don't watch us. I don't know what he's talking about. The same guy did both of us.

I guess I'm less of a fan of practical jokes than many others are. I guess I'm more verbal. But, you know, like, I've... There was no practical joke in there. Well, that was a guy's... When you actually do it... He was speaking from his heart. No, the Elydeon thing?

I mean, to do that? He, like, legit, thought he was going to get him on the phone. I understand. To me, that's a practical joke. It's practical. I thought a practical joke is a practical joke. but stick a bucket of water above a door and you open it and get you all wet.

That's another kind. And I go, Auga with a horn. I mean, like you always hear these stories about how George Clooney and some of these big stars, they're like, they're practical jokers. Like on one movie, I forget he did with Matt Damon. And every day he had the wardrobe department take out his pants just a little bit,

take in his pants, so that he thought he was getting fat when he really wasn't, because the pants would not fit. Yeah, it's a fucking, I mean. that's a joke that's like a fucking nightmare here's another thing too for young actors when you go to wardrobe because they wear the same pants like i don't give a fuck what it says on the size it's not that size they either let it out let it in and i used to just going like i'm a fucking 34 like what is going on my retaining water what's going on and like it really gets in your head and you start

eating like salads and shit you know and it's just like what is your regimen i'm very curious like your health regimen how much do you care about what you eat or you no i do i do i I don't fuck with desserts. I don't eat bread. And I've laid off like sugar and stuff. I had a little bit of a relapse. But like when you get to be my age, you're not going to go to the gym and burn it off.

What's going to happen is your joints are going to wear out before the donut does. So just stop eating the fucking donut. So I just try to like maintain. That's exactly. And I keep my shirt on. I'm not I'm not one of these testosterone fucking HGH. What do you think the price of that's going to be? Because you can't have your cake and eat it.

You can't get your frat boy, yelped body back. At a certain age, you can look good in clothes. Yes. Okay? And you just have to accept that. And luckily, women accept that. Most women, it's very rare. But I'm very forgiving.

I also think they like it if you're a little bit out of shape because it gives them some leeway. Well, you keep telling yourself that. They don't like that. I'm not telling myself that. I'm telling you that. Okay. who that's i just don't think that's true but but that's how you say but they are much more forgiving of that uh than men are you know the old saying men fall in love through their eyes women fall in love

through their ears um we are just somebody selling books no that no that there's no there is truth in that are you kidding there is absolute truth in that women can be what did that's that to me is when you're younger, when you get older and you're actually want to get married, what you're looking for is a good person. And at that point, I feel like men and women, it kind of levels out. And at that point, you realize, all right, I got some baggage, you got some, can I deal with your bullshit? You know what I mean? That has to be that initial attraction and all of that, but it really comes down to that. Like, you know what got me, my wife is gorgeous, but really got me, like, going, who is this person? I remember, um,

we were hanging out. I had a sofa that folded down into a futon when I first met her. And we were watching TV and somehow we were talking about dogs and she started imitating a dog. Go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And she just threw herself into it and it was fucking adorable. And there was like a freedom of the way she did it. And that's the second time I brought that up when I used to watch my friends just get into fights, the freedom of it. Because I lived in such an

oppressive fucking kind of thing, control. role freak thing that I was really attracted to that. And, like, I was still as a performer trying to free myself up on stage. And I just saw, I thought she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. And I just thought, and just seeing this other side of her that, you know, like, there's this whole stereotype that beautiful women aren't funny. My wife is fucking hilarious. So it was kind of this. And then I got in a car with her one time and she puts on like Steely Dan. I'm in Harlem. Okay. African American woman. She pops in Steely Dan. Like the fucking levels, I was just going like, who is this person?

And there was beyond anything that I had met. So that's how I didn't be like, oh, look at, you know, nice tits. It wasn't that. It was like, this person is like... Was this the first black girl you ever went with? I was equal opportunities, so no. I kind of... I dated them all.

I had a good time in New York, put it that way. I had a good time. You lived in New York. Well, firstly, initially, I lived my shutdown years. The Cold War emotionally for me was really. growing up in Massachusetts. And then when I went down to New York and I finally had moved out and everything

and finally got through college, I went down there and I... That's where you went after college, New York. I stayed home and paid off my college. I paid off my college debt and one of my buddies gave me some money because, you know, we had a big family. So, I mean, you kind of had to like work your way through college.

So I had to pay that off and then going to New York scared the shit out of me. So I had a day job and I was doing stand-up and I was driving this piece of shit car from high school. I put a new engine in it so I wouldn't take on the debt. And I saved up, like, I had like 10 grand. And then I just went down in New York, you know, and I was going like, all right, I got to get a day job.

And somehow that morphed into, I need to get more gigs. And I never got a day job. And I had just a couple of acting gigs that patted me enough that I got an agent. and then I've been on, like, I haven't had a day job since 95, which is so cool to me. I mean, we are so fortunate. I always say, I hope there's not reincarnation because I will not, I'm not going to pull a better life. No.

And I know that, I mean, I know that sounds crazy to some people like, well, and maybe it's not, maybe it is crazy because maybe some people live lives that we have no idea about, and it's really great to be an accountant. No, but the thing is, if, it could be. Some people, that's their passion. So for them, that's not working or managing people's money or construction or whatever, people like building stuff or whatever. I think the big thing that everybody would like is to do a job that they love and work for themselves. That's kind of the best.

The idea that we're working now is a joke. It's literally a joke, but we are working. Now, why can't we just say people are different, especially. You can't say that and you just said it and nothing's going to, there's nothing going to be But we should say it. We're just different when it comes to how we, what we want, how we relate to. No, that's true. Because I'll tell you this.

Some people aren't even matter of sexual, believe it or not. Here's one. They're gay and trans. And that, ever since that has gone like mainstream, like when we were growing up, it was like you're either gay or straight. That was it. You didn't realize there was this whole fucking, this whole, that's like a whole thing going on that. There's another difference in generations.

When I was growing up, it wasn't even gay. Wasn't even there. I don't remember that coming up in high school at all. And trans, I never even heard of in high school. I saw this great, there's nothing to why you should scroll. The level of comedy by regular people, the comments that they leave on this. Oh, my God. I agree with that.

They're fucking amazing. They are, yeah. So someone was, they showed this clip of Liberace. And it was that weird period where rock and roll, rock had taken over. And there was these older acts trying to be. hip so they were doing their swing versions of like these rock songs so i forget i forget what liberachi was singing but the way he was dressed and just like just running around like that and this guy wrote in the comments he said he said when i was younger my my dad described liberachi as an

eccentric old man yeah you weren't gay he's he's a little eccentric he weren't it better but like all all his homosexuality was was filed under eccentric and it's just like they They've had many, many euphemisms for gay. You couldn't say that in Hollywood, for example, the director, George K-K-K-K-K-K-R was everyone in town knew he was gay. His name was K-K-K-K-K-R? No, George K-K-K-R.

You never heard of him? No. Phyllis. Was his brother, Billy Boom-Mike? What? Oh, Q-Card. It's like all like the camera. K-K-K-R-K-R-K-R-N.

All right. Anyway, he was known as, a woman's director. They couldn't say gay. That was the... He's a confirmed bachelor. That's another one. That was another one.

Yes, a confirmed... Confirmed bachelor. I actually, out of all this shit, like homophobia is going to be the dumbest. It's just how somebody is born. And I don't understand why anybody gives a fuck. But it's true, though. You didn't like that?

It is true. I'm just saying it sounds like... I deserve that a little bit. But I don't understand like why all of these people... religion right that's what gets everybody going yes and i certainly made my bones with that subject so i'm glad we're on the same page there i am 100% on the same page i'm not saying that there's not something out there but it doesn't give a fuck about us or it wouldn't have set this thing up the way it is right where that's a good way to put it sociopaths seem to just fall up the stairs the success

and then these fucking nerds make all their dreams come true whatever weaponry or robot But they want, they make them. No. Justice on Earth is like an award show. It's just random. Yeah. Then it gets dark. That does get dark.

That would just let that sit there. But, well, you're a great star. Well, here's something. I'll tell you about great being a parent. Is all the highs I've had as a comedian, there was no bigger high than teaching my daughter how to ride a bicycle. That day I let go when she took off was fucking amazing. What do your kids think of Daddy Big Star and, like, Daddy, playing these arenas at night?

They don't really know it. My daughter said to him, she's only, like, she knows now, but when she was, like, five, she said to me, she goes, Dad, how come everybody knows who you are? And I just go, I'm old. I've met a lot of people. I don't have, like, pictures of me, you know, doing stand-up in my house. I'm just totally like. You lied to the child.

You lied to a child. Well, she didn't say, are you a comedian? said no i just don't bring that home i'm dead i don't want to be a comedian in my house but they're going to notice yeah they're gone but i i don't i'm not embarrassed of my job not embarrassed i but i don't come home and be like hey you know i made bonus this weekend in the improv they had to add a show for dad like i would never do that and also like i i like no but kids i understand that i chose to be in this business and they didn't if they want to get in the business i think it's a great business to be in, no better or worse than any other business. And it's just like, if you want to

get into it, get into it, but don't, I'm not going to be like being some stage, mom. There are positives and negatives, but it's, it's undeniably a variable in a kid's upbringing when their father is, has fame and a great success. I mean, that's not the, that's not the experience of kids, most kids. Now, there's many ways you can handle it. I mean, we see a lot of nepo babies we see a lot of I love that nepo baby everybody's a nepo baby no they're not yeah they are if your dad's a dentist

and you become a dentist now I don't give you credit for being a dentist because your dad was filling teeth what a dumb analogy why because we're talking about nepo and we're talking about in you are that's what you're talking about no it's that thing where they go like I've been doing this

bit of all they talk about Hollywood pedophilia like it's not everywhere Catholic Church has to be on the fucking Mount Rushmore of that shit. Of course. And then Hollywood pedophilia exposed. And it's just like, did you watch to catch a predator? That was never in Hollywood. Plenty of people coming up that driveway.

Yeah, no one's denying that. No one ever made. All right. Well, then Nepo baby. Your dad has a construction company. You take it over. Does somebody call him a Nepo baby? No, it just becomes, you know, Sanford and son.

Yeah, but it's a little more pronounced when it's in the arts because you have this. I hate that word. why pronounced because that's like a PED you know what it was that was like a PED for your fucking point your wife's a little more pronounced your wife must be a saint because like boy

because you're such a victim right now no because you do like to like pick a fight about anything you just said I was stupid well that's it just came at me that's a completely different subject you know I just like arguing with you I like arguing with you I'm kidding it's like it's like it's like

like sparring with Muhammad Ali. Who was the guy? Who was the white guy back then? Trevor Bobbick? No, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, my God. Weppner? Before Texcob, it was...

Weepner, it was the Bayonne bleeder. I'm going to remember his name when I get out of here. So, Bill, where are you playing if someone wanted to see you do stand-up? Coming up, I am at... I'm in the Belko Theater, Denver, Colorado, on June 5th and 6th. The 8th, I'm at the Greek Theater in Berkeley, California, with all your LibTard, friends. June 9th.

I love how LipTard doesn't even make sense. It's like a moron came up with that. I hate bad, like, come up with something better than that. June 19th, 20th, 21st, 22nd. I'm at the San Jose Civic Center in San Jose. And then at the end of the month, at the Moore Theater in Seattle, four nights, and I'm going to be taping my next special. Four nights?

Yep. How many nights in a row can you do without being too tired to go on? Can you do like every night in a row for a while? That's more like I miss my kids after a while. But you don't mind doing the show every night in a row? No. I mean, two shows at my age, I can get a little like... You do two shows in one night?

No, I don't. I try not to. That's crazy. I agree. I try not. That's a young man's game. It is. I did enough of those. And these kids, like, coming up, I imagine those gigs still exist. Remember the Tuesday through Sunday, two Friday, three Saturday? I certainly lived it.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And you were just, you were in Portland, Oregon, and you were in Seattle, and you were in, you were just there. You were just fucking there. And it was like, it just, and the hardest show in the week is the second show Saturday, knowing you still have one more to go. I did three shows sometimes.

That's what I'm saying. Three shows Saturday. Oh, I mean. Put the middle show. The first show, you just have no hope because you got three. And the last one's the last one, so that's cool. The second one, no one you've got to do your bullshit act again. Right.

Going, oh, my God. And the third show, you know they're not throwing anybody out because no one's really showing up. So they got to sell their booze. So you had to basically throw a knife at the comic. And they'd be, hey, hey, settle down. Settled down. I mean. But that's how that's how.

you get good though and that's how you yeah i always hate it too like i don't know that much you got through the saturday that was like okay i'm done and then you had to sit around the whole fucking day to do one more fucking gig on sunday i don't know if that made me better honestly that kind of bullshit but made you tough right made me tough that's right it did actually didn't make the act better i remember doing those nights even with two shows but especially with three where you were just petrified i was that I would forget where I was. Every comic knows this nightmare and say the same joke

because you thought you hadn't said it yet, but you said it in the first show. So now you've said the same joke in the second show and the audience looks at you like, oh, wow, what... I would just always ask them, have I told this one yet? I've done three shows.

I don't even know where I am right now. And I would just say that and then they would laugh. And then even if I did repeat a joke, they thought it was funny because they think you're just up there and you got the whole thing together, It's just like, no, this is just like when you're at work

and you don't know what's going on and you're just kind of faking it. Like, that's what I'm doing right now. So I think that's another thing that like, you know, that's actually in a weird way. It's a way to bond with the crowd. Like, all right, this guy's fucking up at work right now. I can relate to this.

Wow. I must say, I've never explored that avenue of dealing with it. But I haven't done two shows. But isn't like page one, I always thought page one in comedy when you learn that it's addressing, I mean, I remember it happening once. I remember where I was.

It was so traumatic. It was Sacramento. It was December. It was 1983. Sacramento, when nobody knows who you are, that's a tough time to do stand-up. Rough. And said the same joke.

And I just, I don't remember any of the sympathy from the audience that you describe. I guess when you're a star and you do it. Nobody is owned up to it. No, I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about when nobody knew what I was. There's like this dead silence where there was laughter.

at your other jokes. So you're just like, oh my God, it's like when you stick a pin in your leg and it's numb there. No, but if you just said, like, I already told that joke, didn't I? Then they would have laughed. You're like, oh, my God, I'm a fucking idiot. It's my third show. And it would have been fine.

Yeah, but I was young and I don't know. I just think it's, it's gauche. But, yeah. You go again with the big words. What does gosh mean? I've heard the word. It means great. in French.

Ghosh? No, doesn't. Manufeek. Do you remember when you were on real time? Say manufeik, monsieur. That's, that's, you know, you're in the highlight reel. Super. You're in the highlight reel because you're on the panel,

on real, we're in the guest chair on real time, but with the panel, and you say, I don't know what I'm doing on this show. I feel like I didn't study for the test. Oh, God, yeah. I still don't know why you booked me on that show. Because you were in the celebrity spot, and because you're a very bright guy.

You play this character of the blue-collar regular guy, but you're obviously very, very smart. In a bar? No. You know what's really smart? No. Do you know what's really smart? The people they write books about,

those are really smart people. Well, that's definitely on a level above us, yes. That's what I'm saying. I'm just comparing me to, like, your friends, think are so funny. Oh, I'm kidding. I know you just want to defend these friends so bad. Where are they now? What do the, describe the friends of me. What do they do? Andy and Bill Bob. What do they do? Where are they? Where are they now? They have regular jobs. Right? Like? I'm not going to get into their fucking lives. But everything that you would look down

your fucking nose. Do your kids play together still? Yeah. Your kids play with their kids. That must be a satisfying feeling. Well, I think they said, do my kids play with the, like, together? With their kids. Well, they live back east. And I also started late, so their kids are grown up. Oh. Well, that would be inappropriate. Yeah, that would be inappropriate. Yeah. So they just tell me, like, it's the greatest thing and just, you know, enjoy every second of it because it's going to fly by or whatever.

And I've let go a lot of that. That whole fucking enjoy every second of it. It's like, the reason why you feel, I think, when you get older as a parent, that you didn't enjoy it enough is because of the responsibility to make a functioning, empathetic human being. So you can't fucking enjoy it because you're waiting for whatever other shoe was going to drop.

And, you know... You still have that attitude? Yeah, I mean, I'd be honest with you. I don't listen to any parent that comes at me with some negative shit. I just go like, well, you obviously fuck the job up. You know? And then also there's like this thing

that parents have that once they have kids, they become these all-knowing beings because, and they know more than you because their kids are older. And it's like, that doesn't make any sense. That doesn't make any fucking sense. There's, like, I remember when I thought for a minute I was playing drums, I was like,

well, maybe this is what I'm going to do because I didn't want to have a real job. So I was playing drums, but every time I go to the music store, I would see some, like, eight-year-old kid go in there and he just had it. And he was already expressing himself or she was on the drums.

And I just remembered, like, you know, I don't know what the fuck my point is at this. Just, I understand. But I couldn't go up to that kid and be like, well, I've been paying longer than you. And let me tell you something. I was like, no, you're better at this shit. You're already better at this shit than I am.

So parenting, it could be like that. I could be better than you. So maybe what you're telling me is like, how do I know you don't suck at this fucking job? But that had it. You have to be born with it. Because show business is so competitive that unless you have a great amount of the innate ability,

whether you're a comic or a drummer or whatever it is, even then you may not be it, get to the top or close to the top because there are people who will have a lot of innate ability, but then they're fucking demons fuck them up. Yeah, self-sabotaged. They're not good at the business. Right. Not good at the business.

Right. Because I've, what I've, This episode of Club Random is brought to you by Squarespace, the all-in-one website platform that lets you build a real online presence, not just another digital landfill. If you're like me and aren't too tech savvy or can't afford your own web page developer, then you've got to check out Squarespace because if you're trying to stand out online, you may need more than an Instagram and TikTok account. And luckily for you, you no longer need a comp side degree to design a site that works. With Squarespace, you can literally build a beautiful, professional website in minutes. And it's not just a pretty home page. You can sell products, schedule appointments, take payments, even send emails, all from one place.

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was watching people that were good at the business, and I wasn't in watching them pass me, whatever that even means. But when you're young, you think this person is passing me. Totally. They're on Comedy Central. I haven't got on Comedy Central.

I must be doing something wrong. Exactly. And, you know, I got to do, what are they doing? Oh, they have a fucking website. I got to get a website. Right. And, like, people think that shit.

Like, I remember when Dane did all of that shit on fucking, on, was it, MySpace back then? All of these comics were like, I'm going to get on my website. MySpace. And then I'm going to sell tickets like that. And they did. It's like, that worked for him. you're right you know so it's just like you you kind of after a while once you reach a level maturity like fuck this i'm doing what i'm doing and wherever this takes me this takes me and i have to be okay with that because there's some people out there that are just like you know like

if you're in a band you're never if you're in a band that's like a band right and you're really writing what you want to write you're never going to sell more records than a fucking pop star whatever downloads whatever it is and you have to be all right with that you have to be right with that there's going to be these pop stars coming through that are just going to, and they have, and they have that megawatt, like, electrifying thing and all the girls love them and everything. That was not me.

That was not that good. That's not comedy. That's music. No, but that happens in comedy. Rarely. Eddie Murphy, Russell Brand. Dane had it. Matt Rife has it.

Those guys, they have that in factory where it's like, Okay, but this is a good conversation if my cigar goes out, buddy. Think of how many comics that is over 40 years. You know, it's not a, it's not a common thing. Yeah, but that's like a special thing. Joe Coy, I worked with that guy one time, man. That fucking guy, the level of talent that guy has to sing and do all of this stuff at the end.

I was looking at this guy going, this guy is literally a pop star doing stand-up comedy. The women were going fucking crazy. I could make, like, people in the crowd left, but there's like a different thing with a guy like that where they are like enamored, like, oh my God. I didn't know that about it. Yeah, it's like a Beatlemania type of thing.

You know, use something from your generation. Yeah, the Beatles. I remember. Yeah, it's like the four tops. Right, I remember being backstage at the Sullivan show when they went on. You went to Shayson. I had some good advice for them that night.

Guys, sing the hits. People don't want to hear the B-Sides and the moody stuff. Sing the hits. And they changed their set list that night. What is so amazing about them is they should have been over in two summers because they were essentially a boy band.

And they... The most ridiculous thing you've said tonight. She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was one of their first songs. They made a few records after that. You've got to be kidding, Bill. I'm talking about going from that to the White album.

The fact that they made that trajectory, that they had all of this management that were probably wanting them... Like, remember that guy sang the twist and the next summer he was like twist again. I mean, it was over. Like, you know that they wanted to be. Next summer, saying, she loves you?

Oh, yeah, yeah. They were just, it works. Let's ride this thing to the ground. And they were like, fuck that. We're going to keep developing as musicians. And we're going to start our own label. They did a lot of shit. Absolutely.

I'm on the same page with you. I know young people shit on you. No, no. You're Zeppelin. I know that happens a lot. No. That's in vote for young kids to say the Beatles stink. I can always talk Beatles.

And, yes, they always, one reason they are Prima Interparis among rock gods is that they... I've never heard all of those words. Is that three words? Was that two words? That's Latin for first among equals. Don't you say that for your parties when you're wearing your smoking jacket? I'll tell you that Bill Maher is really smart. He is really well-read.

He just said prima-parri-a-parri-a. parties. Rima interperies. Interparis. You know what? I'm not the bad guy because I know more. Okay, can we just get that? Can we just tie on that? I'm not the bad guy because I know things. I apologize. You should say, I'm sorry, I'm not stupid, Bill. That's what you should have said.

You're right. That's what you should have said. And that's why you sell stadium. Huh? Because you could fucking pip. You got it right on the head. But the Beatles are first among equals, okay, because they always stayed ahead of the audience. Albert Goldman, in his brilliant book, I thought, made the point that 1966, it's only two years after Beatlemania. The first song on Revolver is Taxman. He said, what could be less interesting to a teenager than taxes?

But it's also relatable. not to a teenager they don't care about taxes i did as a teenager yeah as a teenager because i fucking i there was a there was like a fucking glass ceiling on the amount of money i could take home like i couldn't like i was working full fucking time in this warehouse i could not make 300 bucks in a week i just couldn't every and i'm with the overtime i would get it and they would just punch me back down to 240 235 and i remember one year like a fucking idiot i didn't get taxes taken out of my check and then and I was drinking the whole fucking way and then it came and I owed thousands and thousands of dollars. That was one of the dumbest things I did as a kid.

When I was 17. When I was 17. It was a very good year. No. I was the delivery boy for the only industry in town, the liquor and drugstore. I would do both and I would. That's a great job. I thought it was so cool. Yeah, you know what I like? Because you didn't have to be a at work. You grew in that time when you were in your car. Yeah. It's the greatest. And I was delivering drugs and liquor. Fantastic. Wet my appetite for my future. Right. I remember I had a gig one summer washing windows and houses outside how, you know, those fucking, I remember those stupid storm windows that they have back east, like your fingers by the end of the day, you had to switch fingers from just

opening me. And they had, for some fucking reason, everybody had a screen and they had like three of these fucking solid ones. And they wanted you to wash all of them. And, My favorite part of that job was in between when we were driving. My buddy had this fucking sick ass. He had this F-150. I bet he was funny about it. Oh, he was fucking hilarious. Okay.

He was fucking hilarious. Oh, my gosh. About the drug? Even? Like, that good? Listen, I get it. You're not a knock-around guy. You're fucking, you looked up Latin words, and you didn't fucking hang out with the fellas,

and they used to hang you by your underwear at the lockers. So now none of them are funny, because this is. your one thing. But I'm funny. They could never be as funny as me. Like, there's so much shit about you that's funny that you're not even trying to be funny. Your whole fucking outfit is hilarious. My outfit? A shirt and pants is an outfit? You're dressed like that, you're going to sing that fuck. What is that song? Splish splash, I was taking a bath with your stupid little slippers that you're wearing. Slippers? These are like boots. These are almost be- Oh, fuck. You're an outlaw. These are almost beetle boots.

Chelsea boots I know that because my wife's into fashion They were the greatest What were? Beetle boots Those were badass Well that's what it was It was like the half boot

That's what they sang She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah So what do you You know I like about their music And when you It's like two and a half minute song And what they could say

About a relationship That's still relatable Like I used to listen When I really started going into their Their back catalog Right Not back catalog They're later in their career

Rubber Soul and all of that shit. Revolver. It was not later. That was mid. All right. Relaxed, you fucking historian. Go ahead. Throw another Latin word at me. Anyway, I would, I started, like, listening to the lyrics, and I would be like, I literally just went through that with whoever I was dating.

Which song are we referring to? I don't fucking have a memorized. I'm looking through you. Oh, that's called I'm looking through. And that fucking song is, like, about the end of a relationship. And you experiencing that as a young person, you don't look different but things have changed like the love died it's fucking over and now you have to learn how to break up with somebody can i um share something about the Beatles with you

without you making fun of me maybe you'll find it no that's why i'm here okay so to listen to you share your ideas about tracks three i know i just if when i ask it gets shot down um okay but i'm going to do it anyway that's from their mid period That's 1965, Rubber Soul. You were, what, 28? That was like the first album. First, that was the first album. You bought your first Beatle boots.

I was nine. First album after Beatlemania. So it's great. And that period. Do you ever think that you're older than the Hula Hoop? That period, I remember the Hula Hoop. That's true. And that period,

He was, Paul McCartney was with, his girlfriend was Jane Asher. And he lived in her parents' apartment in the garret for like three years in the middle of London. I'm not making this up. It's the garret. The garret is like an attic, like, you know, the top of the apartment. We're in California. You can just say attic. And then after that, did they move, did they move to the garage?

and have put some basil on their fry-up. Knowing things and words, asshole. That's an asshole thing to do. To use the English word for fucking attic in California. Okay. I'm about, I'm like, I'm one more reference away from taking this mic off and just walking out. I want to make a list of all the things I didn't know. And I'm just going to fucking say them all to my wife tonight.

She was like, who the fuck did you have? Are you on mushrooms? What do you talk? Oh. The Garrett. We have to do it. Garrett. G-A-R-R-O-T-T.

Brad Garrett. Garrett, like Garrett, yes, with an O. So when he goes over there, they think his name's Brad Attic? No. So anyway, Paul McCartney, he was with this. She was a... Bill Bullocks. And a number of the songs in that period like that one are really about her.

And some of them are quite wistful. You know, I think at the beginning, it's, I've just seen a face. But it gets to... Put more heart into it. It gets to some... Like, you could just tell that it was a relationship that was like... I mean, he was the middle of, you know, he's a beetle in London. I don't know how we...

But he liked, you know, he was a guy who needed a family. He liked having a family. So he lived with the girlfriend's family in the fucking attic. He's a relationship guy. He's a relationship guy, yes. Yeah, 100%. I'm no, I'm not mocking it. I'm just...

I wasn't saying you were. Getting really defensive. No, I'm just... Back to my point. People are different. So different about that. Yes, and that's why I have no problem with how you live your life. You are a happy guy.

I am a happy guy. And you're a happy guy. I am. See, that's the thing. We found what makes us happy. Yeah, and then you get into your ego, and not saying you, you, not metaphorically,

hypothetically, generally, whatever the fuck you said, garretely, is you start thinking like, oh, this is the way you're happy is what made me happy. You know, so you have to do it

the way that I'm fucking doing that. Then, you know, and that's like, I don't. right i can do whatever the fuck i want can i yeah did i lose you in that somehow yeah because i feel like now you're reading my lines that's my line i can do i can do i can do whatever the fuck i want when you're a joke thief eventually you run into the comic you took it from well you are not a joke thief uh no i mean i don't know if when you came up being of such a different generation oh it's totally different it was the same way but when i came up as a comic i mean

It was like the cardinal sin. Oh, it's still the cardinal sin. It is. It's still the cardinal sin. I would think it would have to be. Well, back in the day, that's all we have is our own take on shit. Right.

And in Boston, before cell phone cameras and all of that stuff, if you took somebody's joke, that person came in and fucking punched you out. There's a famous story about Tim Thomerson, who I never worked with. He was even older than me, if that's imaginable. It's incredible. So, was he World War II?

World War II? Yes, they used to call him the major. No, this is like late 70s when, when, when, he did, he did Omaha Beach the day after D-Day. He worked with Frank Capra, yes. It was a rough, it was a rough crowd. He worked with Frank Capra and. I know who he is. He's fucking amazing.

I'm joking. Yes. Yes. Tim Thomerson, he's one of the legends down at a comedy store. The story was that when Robin Williams, rest his soul, a great guy, but he might have had a tendency once in a while because he was on Mork and Mindy to hear something at the comedy store and perhaps it involuntarily got into the back of his head,

and then it would appear on Mork and Mindy. And the story was that Tim Thomerson just walked into the comedy store one night and punched him in the face. Well, I mean, if you do shit like, I mean, and who said he was wrong? I'm just saying Yeah, that's how that shit was handled It was like hockey

It was settled on the ice Yeah But Boston comics Just seem more truculent And pugilistic than most to me I knew what that meant I would agree or disagree with it I normally would not have used those words

Did you ever play next comedy stop? I bet you had some rough sets in that one I'd had a rough night in Boston once where I was the headliner. I could see you not having a good time in Boston. I could see them going. That was a long time ago. Dude, you have, you have, this is a hacky reference, but you totally have the energy of you forgot to give out the homework assignment, Mrs. So-and-So.

Boston, you may have heard, is a college town. There's quite a few intellectuals there. The audience that's very sophisticated, they like my show. Okay, we all have our niche. Oh, God, you're so fucking highbrow. Well, it's true. Does your shit jokes float above ours? A little bit.

Why, because you say setment tank or something? Something about shit. Wait, what was I just going to tell you? God damn it. Nothing interesting. No, it was. What were we talking about? I'm fucking with you.

No, we were talking about going to Boston. Boston! Thank you, yes. I love Boston. It loves me. That's been going on special. You just went Regis on me. Special there.

Boston. In 2007, I have a love affair with the Boston audience. We are like this because they're just very smart. What can I tell you? I know you hate to hear that. No, it just sounds like you have a gig coming up in Boston and the tickets are a little slow. No, they're never slow in Boston.

Never slow in Boston. But... Do you perform in Cambridge? Cambridge. That's where Harvard is. For a guy like you... I know that. That's got to be the Taj Mahal.

I love that that bugs you. Are you kidding? Have you heard what's going on on college campuses these days? I don't watch the news. You don't realize that college campuses erupted with the kids demonstrating for Hamas? They are in with the terrorists? They were for the Palestinians. Well, it's sort of the same cause. Why? Are you?

I'm on the side of the kids. Yeah, that's easy to say. No one wants to see kids dead. This is a war. That was very brave of you to say this. This is a word. No, I'm the one who's actually brave on this. Oh, pat yourself on the back.

It's easy to say, I'm for the kids. Who's not for the kids? It comes down to real hard-nosed decisions. Like a country... Stop talking like you're in general. A country got attacked. Israel got attacked. I'm not saying that they didn't have a right to go back.

I'm just sitting there going like, how do I look at what... The only country in the world that they get attacked, and then as soon as they counter-attack, it's like, well, we've got to stop this shit now. Don't attack them. It's a very simple solution to all this problem in the Middle East. Stop attacking Israel.

You just solved it. You just solved it. I actually did. There you go. That's fantastic. Anyway. All right. We don't need to get on to that.

Let's go to Russia and the Ukraine. How do you solve that one, Bill? Let me hear your hard-nosed decision about that. Well, let me ask you a question. How is war still legal? With all the shit that's been canceled. Legal. Why is that still fucking legal?

Would you like a real answer to that? Because for something to be, illegal you have to have the capacity to enforce it and you can't enforce against war or else you have to go to war with the country that's going to war and we don't want to go to war with Russia over Ukraine what would be the sense of making it illegal or that's really going to stop Putin no to stop people from going to war you have to also put boots you can't sit down and talk it out do a why can't Putin do a podcast with the head guy like you just solve the Middle East on a podcast Why can't they solve what they're doing on a podcast?

This is why this is not your thing. Makes some hard-knows. It's not your thing. It's what you... It is my thing. It isn't your thing. It isn't. You're like that guy that has a fantasy football team and thinks he's a fucking GM.

No. That's exactly what it is. Like, why am I fucking listening to you? Like, you've done something. What have you done in Washington? Nothing. No, I would never go to Washington. It's beneath you.

It's, uh, no. You would be the coolest fucking guy in Washington. You showed up with those boots and no tie. They'd be like, oh, my God. It'd be so easy to be. Did Kevin Bacon just come back to that footloose town? Kevin Bacon. You could teach him out of dance, Bill.

Yeah, I absolutely could. Bown-a-Ban-Bank-a-Bow. You fucking get off, you little private jet. I have a TV show. Oh, and you travel Southwest. Is that right, Bill? I love Southwest. Really?

I love the order. Is that how you travel? I love Southwest. Do you travel commercial? Most of the time, yeah. You do? Yeah. Commercial.

Yeah. Interesting. Bigger plane, better pilots. You don't get knocked around as much. You're riding in a fucking Cadillac. The only thing that sucks about commercial is boarding. That's it. Once you're there and you got your fucking shit up there, you're flying first class,

which all first class is, if you never flown it, is they treat you like a human being. Suppose the animals in the back. They just throw you back there. That was my whole career. working my way up to being treated like, remember the DC-9 when you sit there and your window didn't open because there was an engine there?

You don't remember that? I can't. How about that last row in the DC-9? The window doesn't open. There's an engine right there and then right across some of you is the bathroom. And you've got to listen to another human being. Take a fucking shit behind one of those things

starlets used to get undressed behind. I'm still stuck on you defending commercial. Stuck on you? Still stuck on you? still stuck on you defending commercial flights as better. Now, you can make the case that it's wrong to fly private. I get that. But I've never heard anyone make the case that it's actually better to be on Delta. That's kind of cokey. No? No, I hate Delta. Delta's the fucking worst. I bet you fly private more than you're letting on. Listen, I, listen, if I have to go somewhere and

I don't have enough time to get there. Oh, suddenly we've got an exception. No, I said mainly I fly commercial. Well, you're an idiot. You shouldn't. You know what? What is this if I don't agree with you? I'm an idiot.

You're right. I apologize. Fucking John Varvado's shirt. You're not young. Put on a sweater for fuck's sakes. Put on a sweater. Why? I have to be...

At your age. That's the secret in life. Avoid that. No. Don't you think? No. No? Well, hey, I'm an idiot, right?

No, I think the number one thing is to be your age. Like all these fucking people, like, they go do a college gig at my age, it's going to be 56 next month. Be 56. Yeah. And come at them as a 56 year old, and you can give them advice on all the shit that you did and just say, hey, this worked for me. And you can just have a great time with them.

You can have a fucking great time. What fucks you up is if you're looking at what they're wearing and you know, you fucking come up with your little outfit. I don't know why this out of this simple shirt and pair of plain black jeans. There is absolutely nothing wrong with what you're wearing. That's why it's so much fun to just make fun of it. It's a little bit of a fucking pirate shirt. You got a lot of extra material.

You know what that's what it is. It's this. First of all, you should have buttoned that if you actually were the gentleman you're trying to be. Button this? Yeah. You're right.

But a woman in your life, she wouldn't let you go on camera like that. It's almost like a, we're giving you like an advanced comedy test. Like, can you make fun of this? We're just pretty bland. It's not like it crazy like you're a fashion thing. It's kind of bland, you know.

Like your opinions. Yeah, exactly. And then when I fucking, you know, go against you. And I go, ooh, a big word. Another big G word. Look at you. You memorizing that part of the fucking dictionary? I don't have kids.

I got all day long. I can read the dictionary and use my fucking $3 words with a guy who unloads trucks. Oh. Why do I think there's going to... Why don't we do a... We've got to do a buddy movie. This is like perfect. This is Walter Mathout, Jack Lemon.

I'm certainly not going to do a movie, but there is something about... You seem like an actor. There is something very, like, very mindable about that. this vein of comedy of the single guy, the married guy, the, you know, pompous professor guy, and the blue collar guy. I mean, it does kind of write it. I mean, I was Breaking Bad. Breaking Bad is one of the great dark comedies of all time where you had this super smart teacher and he had like his biggest fuck up as a student and then they have to somehow work. It was the odd couple. You know what? Fantastic. I never watched that show and I know everybody loves it. I'm going to watch it now because

that is interesting to me. I'll tell you what was the coolest thing about that show is, you know, those, anytime you make a TV show or a movie, you always have these people that go, oh, that never would have happened like that. Do everything that they did, right down to me,

me and LaVelle Crawford laying on that pile of money, they figured out how much money Mr. White would have in what denominations and how high it would be to shoot those people, down. When we did this train robbery scene, I got to be on that. It was so fucking robbing a train. It was amazing. And they would, whatever chemical they had in one of them, they used to make meth. So they were taking it out. My job was to stall the train. They take it out and then replace it with water.

And they had their teams figure out how long that would take. And they said, we literally had somebody that would be on the internet. That wouldn't happen like that. They said, actually, it would. The volume of water is this. The volume of that. and they would just shut them the fucked out, like a comedian, just chopping the head off of the fucking loudmouth asshole in the front row. They did that while making

one of the greatest shows of all time. That is satisfying. Oh, it meant, like, I already loved the, like, everybody liked the show. It was almost efficiently run. They just knew what they wanted to do. I did it, I did, one of the first times I did the gig there.

We got through the scene so fast. They switched my flight from the next day, Southwest. They know, we can get you right now. We can go get your bags at the thing. And they, I felt like fucking Elvis. Do you have like a deal now for make more movies somewhere? No. No?

It doesn't exist anymore. What? It doesn't exist. No, more three. They don't do, like, they get away from first look deals. Like, I'm always late to the party. Like when I started stand-up was right after the 80s. All the balloons were popped on the ground and everybody was getting their wages

garnished. Oh, yes. Again, my generation ruined everything. I didn't say you ruined. I didn't say that. No, but that's when I was starting. I mean, that's when I was a young comment. All right, but I didn't say you ruined it.

No. I'm just saying no, but it got bloated. It was on every channel, and then it went. Right. So I used to open for guys. It got bloated, yes. Yeah, and I used to open for guys, and they would try to discourage me.

They would be like, oh, man, I didn't know why you even started. If I was your age, I would get the fuck out of this business. What they told me. And they would be like, Wednesday night, look at this. There's nobody in here, you know, fucking three years ago, they'd be a line down the fucking block. And I didn't have any deflector shields, you know, so I would be listening to, really? Oh, my God.

Should I quit? But I, fortunately, I sucked at everything else in life. So I really didn't have any options. Yeah, I didn't have a plan B either, really. I remember when I got out of college, I sent out resumes to advertising agencies. I guess I thought I could get that as a day job, be an ad man, you know, write ad, ad, copy. I could see that. I could see it too. I mean, you know, yeah, you know. It's not that different from stand-up in a way you're trying to be humorous and pithy and okay. You probably talk down to a few

clients, but you throw those words in and they'd be like, this guy's smart. This guy knows how to sell these widgets. I'm telling you, when we both flame out and doing a morning talk show in Seattle, this kind of stuff is going to be gold. It's fart man and asshole jack. Oh, that was morning radio. Morning radio was always a real name and then, you know, Eddie and the Bulldog. It was always something like that.

We got Wild Man Vermouth with fucking Jerry. It was always a regular name than something crazy. So there's no more three-picture deals, no more like deals at streaming services. I shouldn't say that. Don't they need content? For something like me. Really?

When you're a bald ginger in Hollywood, It's basically... But didn't old dads do very well? Yes, it did. Crushed. During the strike. It was number... Let me fucking...

For everyone who worked on that movie, Bobby Cadovalli, and all of those amazing actors and everybody... I like him. Patrick Don Vito. Everybody helped me. Edit the thing. Ben Tishler, all of them.

We were number one globally on Netflix, two weekends in a row, and it streamed like 50 million. Because who around the world doesn't understand the concept of old dads? Certainly in Pakistan. Well, maybe we just made a good movie. No, so, okay, so tell me this about the business.

Well, is there a compliment, the thanks? What? There was no compliment in that. Actually, there was. Kind of shit on it. Like, you didn't think, you didn't think that it went fucking global. No. I didn't say in Pakistan they were watching it.

They might have. You don't think there's some old dad's there? No. What I said, it was. Well, that's right. You figured out the Middle East. It was a giant hit. No.

I found a way to craftily. get a very good compliment into you. Well, that's what it is. Without making it look like one. Because I am the pompous professor, my friend. I like it. I know you do. So anyway, but riddle me this about the business

because I'm always reading, as we're always talking of people at dinner when we're in this town and we're all in the business, and we're talking about the changing and the streaming and everything. Why is it, if a movie does well like that, then there isn't at least a awful. to do the next one. Because the people running it now,

they're kind of doing like what Germany did, where they tried to take over the whole world. And you can't do that because there's just so many people don't want that. But there's always something in every business, like Amazon or fucking Walmart, they're always trying, you know, let's open up across from this mom and pop and put them out of business and we'll be the only showing them.

Like, there's just always people doing. that. It's to have to do with hiring a guy who just had a big hit movie to do another hit movie. If you want to take over the world. Streaming service had devalued art. We're back in the day, you used to pay 10 bucks to go see a movie. Now, 20 bucks. You get all the movies.

It's what I'm talking about. We're talking about six. You ask me a question. I'm trying to fucking answer it. We're talking about success. Why don't you just tell me what it is rather than ask me? We could save some time. I'm asking because I don't understand.

The movie had success. It doesn't matter if it was art or not. And I can tell you what happened to me. I fucking went back and I pitched another movie to two junior executives. And I waited six weeks to get an offer that it was just like it never happened. Still starting out like that movie never happened. And that's kind of like, that's how the acting world, that's why I think being an actor is so much harder than being a fucking comedian. Because if I come through town, first time I headline your club, I draw okay, but you see it.

I'm funny. We'll take another chance in this guy. I come back. Even if the same 30 people show up, but you see I have a whole new act, they see it. And you've proven you're funny. I don't have to re-prove that I'm funny. No. Again, we're an actor. This fucking actor is with an Oscar. And there's people going, yeah, I don't know. Can they play that? It's like they won the highest fucking award. And I just, I have empathy for actors for the lack of control. First of all, you do the performance. And if you're not in the edit, especially if it's a comment, Right. And you get the wrong guy editing it. And they're going to leave you hanging out to dry.

Like, the actors really are like the quarterback of the team where it's like if you win your fucking Joe Montana, if you lose, you're a bust. And like a lot of times, and as you're making a movie, you have no idea how it's going to come together. No idea. I've been on enough movies to know it is just always a mystery. There's so many things that can go wrong. Are they going to promote it? I mean, I did this, this, I did this really, really great movie, Frontrunner.

And it came out the same weekend as Aquaman. And it was just, I saw one of the stars promote it for like two days. Yeah, I never heard of it. And then the next time I saw him, he was promoting his next project. And I said, oh, my God, they're burying it. It's not going to get. What was it on? What was it on?

movie theaters it was in the theater yeah i mean most it was it was it you would have liked the movie it was about gary hard i would have watched it gary hard it was about the first politician never heard where they went into his personal life and there was this big debate what did you play i played one of the reporters for the miami herald and the big thing was oh yeah they there there was like a battle at the paper they had this great scene where it's like we can't run this because we'll be like a tabloid and then the big thing was Gary Hart said hey I'm an open book you know go ahead look at everything right he said that he did and that that was their wiggle room yeah to get in that and then after that nothing was the same nothing was the same but but I always wondered what

did Gary Hart think because he had to end his campaign um because of of infidelities and then like within four years Bill Clinton comes in and he's like the Teflon Don, none of it sticks to him and he still ends up getting elected and does two terms like he must have been thinking like oh I could have done that I didn't know that yeah I could have just went like you know I did not have sexual relationship I love I love the look of determining I did not. Like, I always wondered if he stood in the mirror and got that bottom lip. He was something.

But I'm still so puzzled by this, though, that, I mean, just in their interest, you'd think it would be in their interest if you did something that was successful for them to want to, that's all, I mean, you could always count on that in show business. Art is just always that if you're lucky, it coincides. with their business interests. But profit, success, people bought it, that's what they care about. That's why I don't understand about this.

It's in their interest. So something is very fucked up in this media age we live in when success is not rewarded. And I've heard a lot of people say that about streaming, that success is not rewarded, like directly, like it was back in the day. You bought a record. that went to number one.

You know, people actually went to the store and bought it. We knew which was most popular. Same thing with movies, the box office. And now, like, streamers, they're holding all the cards. It's like Stripes. Remember Stripes, that great scene? John Candy, and he's looking, ah, yeah, man, you lost again.

He's looking at his cards and shit. Like, you know, they give you the numbers, and it's just like, how do I know that's true? Like, you had, like, for the award season, they can go, this is a massive hit, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and then when you come to be like, okay, it's a massive hit, can I have to, well, you know, the numbers weren't that good. The numbers are whatever they need them to be.

It's become like that. So, I mean, so I just roll with it. I mean, if that's, that's, I don't think it's going to stay like this. Like, and it's like. Or like, are you working on scripts, though, for idea? Yeah, we're, we're, me and Ben Tustra, we're writing another one. We got another great idea. It's another thing.

In the title, you know, That's why I liked about old dads. You knew what it was. Right. And then within that, you could touch on a lot of bigger topics with just regular people. Like, we were commenting on, you know, sort of like summing somebody up in one tweet. And you like the process of, like, writing a movie with somebody? I love writing.

I love writing dialogue. And one of my favorite things to do is every, like, I want every actor that shows out to be excited, like, that we wrote him something that's going to. be fun to say because then they come to the set of course that's how you get an actor to do it yeah and then for the crew all you do once a week you're bringing a food truck you know and a coffee truck on another day they're like okay this guy gives a fun like the bar is so low feed your crew once a week no no no no there's a regular there's a regular thing but once a week if you spring for a food truck because that's coming out of your pocket that's not them they're like all right this guy's a

solid guy so then if you have a long day because shit isn't working which is going to happen right they're not looking at you like you know how many times gonna eat this fucking lasagna you know lasagna is like the big like if you got to cook for a hundred people right it's they come out in those aluminum trays if a truck comes up every once in a while they you got to you got to give somebody a ray of light you know as they're doing it's a great tip for the kids out there who are thinking about going into the business and treating crews bad or good once a week. Can I tell you how low the bar is? How low the bar is?

Oh, you just did. A food truck once a week will do it. Yeah. You know what? I tell you, just saying good morning to people. They're like, you're like one of the nicest guys ever worked for it. It's just like, what the fuck happened to you? Who doesn't say good morning?

There's people that don't say good morning. No, I mean, look, I would not. have the, oh my God, to do a movie, first of all, you got to get up at, like, the Crack of Dawn. I mean, and it's like, I remember in the 80s doing it. It's like, all you do is the movie, DC Cab, right? DC Cab, right? My first big picture. You do the movie and sleep.

That's your whole life. There's almost nothing else. If you're the director, you do the movie, and then you answer questions, and then you go to sleep, and you wake up, and there's more questions. Yeah, well, I was saying it's just the movie in sleep. There's no life there. So it was a great experience for me because I, you know, I already obviously respected people that directed and edited and everything,

but I didn't understand the process of how tedious it is. And like, you know, my ADD and everything, like I really had to like, I had to figure out a way in the edit room to give your brain a break. So what we started doing was me, Ben and Patrick Don Vito, who edited the movie, we would go for walks. We'd be like, you know, let's just take a walk around the block. We've got to get out because we, you know, just in this fucking editing bay. This, you know, curtains are down and everything. And you're just fucking in this thing.

And just like, it became like really productive to not sit there all day working to actually get up and like, and you'd be looking forward. What do you think? 11 o'clock will go for a walk. Okay, great. So then I can break my day down. we would have lunch and then the afternoon we would go for like another like walk just walking around trying different restaurants about a meditation podcast for you what do you think you do just mindfulness where you just did that make you uncomfortable that I did that you see you do that to me

but what I do it's not it's suddenly it's out of bounds no I knew what you were doing I thought we were doing that thing so I hit it back to you did that make you uncomfortable I took it off of me I put it on you that's nothing new no I'm just saying I see you you doing a kind of a, like we call it meditation for meatheads. I am a meathead. I don't have a problem with that. I am. One of my biggest, it's a mindfulness. One of my most, the best thing about me is I know I'm an idiot. You're not an idiot. If you're an idiot. Oof. What? I mean, you know, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just a, you're calling me a fucking meathead and then you say I'm not an idiot. Because we're talking. You're all over the road here. It's a bit. But,

No, it's just that people perceive truth differently. Like, if you've ever had a lover who was, like, in the arts, I know you hate that term, but, like, artistic people, they don't, like, perceive truth exactly literally. Now, sometimes that's better, and sometimes it's worse, because sometimes the truth is just the truth. And they don't see it that way. They see it sort of artistically.

They see it through a very... That's your question. And I don't think they're stupid, or I just think they see life through a different prism. Can I ask you a question? Who's the last time? Good night. From the bottom of your heart, you said to another human being, you know what? I'm wrong.

Oh, all the time. All the time. Really? My favorite words are I'm wrong or I don't know because every time I say them, I learn something. Absolutely. I didn't see that coming from you. I know. But we don't, we don't know each other.

And I dress like a clown, so why would we? This is like, me and my. the most showbiz. Ridiculous. This is one of the most showbiz friendships I have in this business. The only time I've ever been to his podcast or your show. It's just the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Have you seen Casablanca lately? I would recommend it highly. I love it. I did. I actually It's so great. Took my wife to go see Casablanca where they had the symphony downtown. I saw it also with a lady friend. It's very meaningful. And they had a live orchestra playing the score as you watched the movie. So cool. Where was this? Whatever that big

symphony hall is that I never go to. Oh, downtown, the Disney Center? Yeah, the one that looks all weird. Yeah, the one from artsy. Frank Gary? Frank Gary? He's an architect. He's an architect. I know he's an architect. Oh, that's a big thing in your world, knowing architect's names. I wasn't trying to brag. That's an El Ron Hubbard. No, no, it's just I'm always... No, Frank Lloyd Wright. I would say I'll run hubbard. Frank Lloyd, that's a Frank Lloyd Wright. You knew that one.

I like Frank Lloyd Wright. Right. He and his brother invented... I like Art Decoe. Frank Lloyd Wright, he and his brother invented the airplane. I like Art Deco. First of all, I don't think you could change the oil in a car, so don't talk about fucking architecture.

I can't and I wouldn't want to. Oh, let me adjust my glasses. Why would I want... I don't want to? Why would I want to, Eliza? I'm Professor Henry Higgins. That's another great way. It's a really satisfying show.

Have you seen My Fair Lady? Can I recommend something? Watch that with your wife. My Fair Lady. You really enjoy it. Some white woman spinning around in a field? I don't think she was going to be too into that. No, that's the sound of music, fool.

Aren't those all the same movie? Isn't that all Fast and the Furious for the musical lovers? No. My Fair Lady's based on Pygmalion. Oh, that's based on that. Can I tell you something, Bill? Most of the shit that you say is not smart. It's just sort of obscure.

It's not obscure to a certain percentage of people. People that are in your altitude. I'm not some giant egghead. I know. I know you're not that smart. I know. I'm not saying I am. It would say something about all these things I say that you don't know what I'm talking about.

So what? I know. There's subjects I could bring up. It's just, you know, you're just into, you know, musicals. You're not going to make me feel dumb. Because who's your favorite... You're so dumb, you sell stadiums. Let me ask you this.

Who's your favorite, what's your favorite top musical? You know, I'm not a musical fan at all. My Fair Lady was playing in the house when I was a kid, along with some other ones, but that's the one I gravitated to. I still could play Professor Henry Higgins. I'm almost still not too old to do that. I'm not going to do that, but it's one of the rare parts where I would be perfect for it.

He's a pompous professor. There you go. And it's just delightful. The music is great. I'm sure you know many of the songs. I won't sing them all for it. I have often walked on this street before. Sing another one.

I don't know that one. I'm walking down it now. Dooby-doo. Good, clean fun. What's that? What is that? What is that? That's scat singing.

from your generation. Oh, that's scat singing. That's one of the most annoying things ever. Scat singing? Oh, when I get it. You sound like a trumpet. Stop it. It would make your zoot-suit it.

Yeah, I wasn't. Skat singing is something I have to walk away from. What music do you listen to? What music do you listen to, Bill Burr? I'll tell you the latest thing I downloaded, Willow Smith. Willow Smith? Just put out a fucking incredible album and what I'm loving is the drums are incredible

and so much of it is in like an odd time. I was trying to play along to this one song that's started in seven and it stops there's a bar of eight and then you play in seven and then the chorus is in four. And I literally had to write it out to try and just figure out like the first frigging half of it. So I listen to that.

I still listen to Zeppelin. I've been listening to Kenny Rogers. I like like old school country. country. I like I like a lot of hip hop right into right about Biggie dying and Jayzee

coming up. I liked all of that. I liked storytellers. 90s. Yeah. Like yeah and a lot of the 80s shit is really cool too but like basically the 90s and what I loved about Biggie was he was fucking hilarious and he was an incredible, incredible storyteller,

and his stage presence was unbelievable. And the fact that he was only 24, he did all of that by 24. And, you know, I was really into that. Now, you know, you just age out of it because people are talking about stuff. I mean, not like I could relate to what he was doing. Actually, Bill, I wish we could,

but there's another rapport going on currently. Maybe you've heard about it between Drake and Kendrick Lamar. And who better to discuss this? A 60-something and a 50-something-year-old white guy. What do you make of this rap war, this sort of renaissance of the 90s rap war? I think it's great. It's great. Well, it's great for...

How many got shot today? Oh. Well, you know, they have to make your hard-nosed decisions. Um, I, uh, no, I think it's great. It's, it's, it's fun. I think it's fun. Why can't we all get along that, that are all, why can't we all get along? Because sociopaths want all of it. But why, why, Drake and Kendrick Lamar? I mean, why are mommy and daddy fighting? I don't know what you, I don't know where you're going with this. Why are they, why are they, what, what? I believe the kids call it beefing. I know. It is beefing. I know. I'm single. I'm into all.

there's no cap um i don't know i don't know anything about i don't know anything about that world i i i i uh you know i i don't know i don't fucking know has 60 minutes done you yet no see it never stops that whole thing about you know oh am i not somebody passed me they got 60 minutes no no i i i like i like i like where i am in this business yeah i like that this, I just do what I do, and whoever likes it, likes it, and whoever doesn't moves on to something else. I don't have like that. I bet just 60 minutes does you within the next two years.

I'll take that bet. All right. Well, I had a ball. I had a great time. I hope so, because... You're my favorite smarmy person in this business. You're my favorite whatever the fuck you were. All right.

I know I had a fucking great time. Yeah, that was so much. Oh, come on, bring it in. Oh, he goes for the side hug, the side hug. It's noncommittal, even with his male friend. Oh, my God.