Club Random with Bill Maher - Byron Allen | Club Random with Bill Maher

Episode Date: July 13, 2026

Bill Maher welcomes media mogul Byron Allen to Club Random for one of the most remarkable origin stories you'll hear all year. Long before building a multibillion-dollar media empire, Byron was a 14-year-old kid hanging around NBC, studying Johnny Carson like it was graduate school and writing jokes for Jimmie Walker alongside young comics named Jay Leno and David Letterman. Bill and Byron trade stories about Carson, the Comedy Store, Hollywood in the '70s and '80s, early career missteps, and the mentors who changed their lives. Byron explains how his mother's persistence shaped everything he built, why showing up earlier than everyone else became his greatest advantage, and why he still believes health—not money—is the ultimate measure of wealth. Support our Advertisers: -Get 50% off plus free daily greens per box at https://www.factormeals.com/random50off with code random50off -Try QUO for free PLUS get 20% off your first 6 months when you go to https://www.quo.com/random Subscribe to the Club Random YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.youtube.com/c/clubrandompodcast?sub_confirmation=1⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Watch episodes ad-free – subscribe to Bill Maher’s Substack: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://billmaher.substack.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you listen: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://bit.ly/ClubRandom⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Buy Club Random Merch: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://clubrandom.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices ABOUT CLUB RANDOM Bill Maher rewrites the rules of podcasting the way he did in television in this series of one on one, hour long conversations with a wide variety of unexpected guests in the undisclosed location called Club Random. There’s a whole big world out there that isn’t about politics and Bill and his guests—from Bill Burr and Jerry Seinfeld to Jordan Peterson, Quentin Tarantino and Neil DeGrasse Tyson—talk about all of it.  For advertising opportunities please email: [e-mail] ABOUT BILL MAHER Bill Maher was the host of “Politically Incorrect” (Comedy Central, ABC) from 1993-2002, and for the last fourteen years on HBO’s “Real Time,” Maher’s combination of unflinching honesty and big laughs have garnered him 40 Emmy nominations. Maher won his first Emmy in 2014 as executive producer for the HBO series, “VICE.” In October of 2008, this same combination was on display in Maher’s uproarious and unprecedented swipe at organized religion, “Religulous.” Maher has written five bestsellers: “True Story,” “Does Anybody Have a Problem with That? Politically Incorrect’s Greatest Hits,” “When You Ride Alone, You Ride with Bin Laden,” “New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer,” and most recently, “The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody But Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass.” FOLLOW CLUB RANDOM https://www.clubrandom.com https://www.facebook.com/Club-Random-101776489118185 https://twitter.com/clubrandom_ https://www.instagram.com/clubrandompodcast https://www.tiktok.com/@clubrandompodcast FOLLOW BILL MAHER https://www.billmaher.com https://twitter.com/billmaher https://www.instagram.com/billmaher Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This back-to-school season, spend less on your kids with Amazon. Hi, I'm Laura Clary, mom, chaos coordinator, and someone who has learned the hard way that back-to-school season is basically a second mortgage. Last year, my daughter decided she absolutely needed this very specific backpack, not just any backpack, the backpack. I found it, I bought it, I sent her off on the first day of school. She lost it by week two, gone forever. So, remember, with Amazon.

Amazon's low back-to-school prices, just spend less on your kids because every dollar you don't spend on them is a dollar you haven't spent on them. Hello, mid-sized business. We see your big ambitions, but how do you achieve the wins you want when your technology is holding you back? SAP Grow is built to grow with your business, no matter its size. With AI embedded at its core, working across every system, all ready to go from day one so you can hit the ground running. Bring it with SAP Grow. AI Cloud ERP for any size business. My name is Peter Parker, but I'm also Spider-Man. This July, we're faced with a threat. That can be anyone.

The world may have forgotten Peter Parker. I'm just a neighbor, friendly neighbor. But he hasn't forgotten them. Sometimes Spider-Man has to do the hard thing. That's my responsibility. Talk to Banner? I didn't know you could get that big. Brand new day in theaters July 31st.

I don't know about you, but I'm a big fan of Green in all its forms. Get it. And for fellow lovers of, well, Green, the Club Random merch store, has you covered. Grinders, papers, and Zippo lighters, all designed to support your relationship with Green, wink, wink, whatever, and whatever philosophy comes with that for you. Head to ClubRandum.com and bring home. some random. Did you deviate?

I did. Okay, that's what happened. Well, I don't know. You deviated. I probably. Yeah, you absolutely did. I do not want parking spot number two. You were always one chess move ahead of the rest of us.

No, no, no. Byron. Yes. You're so early. I'm so sorry. Early. I'm just on time, buddy. Oh.

Well, our official time is 5.30. Oh, I'm sorry. They told me to get here at 5. Well, because you can't materialize at the moment the show starts. We think, well, you don't need makeup. And I don't need hair. Do you ever wear makeup on your run comics? Yeah, yeah. Really?

Yeah. Okay. Yeah, and I don't need hair, so that's the... You don't look made up. Oh, okay. But, you know, black don't crack. I mean, right? Yeah, but you don't look made up.

Well, I'm tart enough, you know. But, you know. If you don't put makeup on, what do you look like? You look like Bill. I do. What year did you come out here? 83. 83.

So there you go. 83, 17. I've known you almost 45 years. And that's what I love about this show is that, you know, busy people like us, we sort of, we like each other so much you can tell when we talk. But we never really make a plan. to get together, even though I've always wanted to, and you've always wanted to, but we have our lives. And this is like, oh, somebody who I know,

but I don't really know. Oh, that's very good. And now we're gonna, you know, all questions will be answered tonight. Are you having a drink with me? I just drink water, I'm good. Oh, because, yeah, wow. Yeah. Did you always, uh, yeah.

Tea total? Yeah. You've always been such a straight arrow. Yeah. I mean, how'd you get to be a billionaire? That's just like everybody is impressed with a billionaire. It's just a number that means so much to a society that is, let's be honest, very materialistic. And, you know, I'm a capitalist. That's okay.

I know you are, too. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You don't want all your fortune confiscated. No, of course. No, and look, we give a lot already. Yes. And we're happy to.

That's right. If it goes to stuff we approve of. That's right. That's right. Yeah, you know, look, for me, I've never, I'll just say this, your health is your wealth. I say as I pour poison into a glass. Exactly what I've always said. Where's my joint? Oh, there, between my legs. See, look at that. You can't even keep track of where it is. By my crutch where I know I'll keep an eye on it. You'll keep an eye on that. So, yeah, you know, that's your wealth, man.

If you can be healthy and really maintain your mental health, your physical health, it doesn't matter. You can have a fortune, you can lose a fortune, you can do it 10 times. You'll always rebuild it if you have your mental health and your physical health. And love, just have love in your life and have balance. I've lived without love. Yeah, but I mean, you are a loved person. Yeah, I am swimming in love now. But like...

But there's... There were time... But you love. There's something you love. People you love. Animals you love. Yeah. Yes.

But I'm just saying, like, when I was in college, there were years where there was not a lot of love. Like, I didn't even have friends, let alone. I gave up on girlfriend, I think, sophomore year. And then, yeah, it was brutal. And friends? Cornell was... No.

Like, it was very hard. The first year they put you in the dorm four, which was temporary housing. This is Cornell after World War II that was still up in the 70s. So, you know, I just didn't get along with the kids. The kids, you know, they were like first time away from home. And they were just, I thought, very immature. And, of course, stupidly I said something, so then I was ostracized. So I had, you know, no.

And then after freshman year, either go to a frat, which I didn't want to join. I'm not the frat type. I didn't know. That was, yeah. So then you have to get an apartment in Ethica, New York, in these slums, and there's slums because they, you know, it's like deliverance up there. I know it's New York State, but I'm telling you, it's like... Middle and nowhere. Well, you'd think it was a town in the rural south a little bit.

You know, like townies have been there a long time and, you know... Where'd you grow up? Almost like Appalachia. Is that what you grew up? No, no. Yes, I grew up in butcher holler. I just learned to talk this way. No, I grew up in New Jersey.

Where'd you grow? You got out here, right? Yeah, well, I left Detroit when I was seven. Detroit. So I was the first seven years in Detroit. When you say you left at seven, meaning you'd already made your first million. Because you always have been a little head.

You know, you were the first guy on the Tonight Show with the young age. You had a T. I remember 1980 was real, real people. 79. Okay, so I'm still in New York. So, yeah. That was my first year. Wow.

I left Cornell at 78. I'm 65. How old are you? 70. Okay. All right. Yeah. So that was your first year, because I finished high school in 79, and that was my first year at USC. But you were doing things I wanted to do. You were younger.

Well, that's because I grew up here and not New Jersey. Well, no. Actually, the comedy clubs were in New York. It was very convenient for me. that I was across the river from Catch a Rising Star, the improv, the comic strip, later on the comedy seller. Dangerfield, was he in? Dangerfields, but that was not done,

that was not a showcase club. Right. You were a headliner. Yeah, but you can get some stage time there, right? I never, I don't remember ever going up at Dangerfields. I remember once going there with a bunch of young comics and to see Jay Leno, who was headlining, which we thought was like, wow.

Yeah. Though we were very impressed, and I remember he talked to us with it. He had a pipe at the time. Yeah. That's why it was his pipe days. I forgot all about that. You remember the pipe? Oh, I forgot all the, wow.

You're going way back. Uncle Jay, dispensing wisdom to the young comics. You know, when you set up a junk like that, you know, you're going to, I'm going to have to crack. Wow. I love that. How'd you do your first time on stage? Well, the first time on stage was in high school. Okay.

I mean, talent show? Yeah, which was then canceled. After you went on? Because of my performance. Are you serious? Not because I was bad. I just stole my jokes from the Tonight Show. And it was a very risque show at 1130, inappropriate for, like I would, I introduced one,

this was a 16-year-old girl. She does the dance of the virgins, which she performs from memory. This doesn't go over well with the father. Are you serious? Yeah. That's what I did. That was my material. That's like, who cares? Why would someone be offended by that? Because I'm calling their daughter a whore.

Oh, okay. All right. Well, that might hurt someone's feelings. It's just, you just don't, this is high school. And it was on the Tonight Show. I mean, you stole this from the Tonight Show. Yes, I was 17 in love with the Tonight Show and Johnny Carson. It wasn't. And it was risque adult humor at 11.30 at night. Wow. I never thought of Johnny is doing anything risque. Oh, he really?

Dumbled entendres, when the pretty women would come on. For the era, it was very risky. I remember as kids, we, before I even knew who he was, there was this sort of kid kind of story that goes around, you know, there's always something, and one of them was that this guy, Johnny Carson, had on Jack Nicholas's wife, the golfer. Yes. And said, do you do anything to give him luck?

before the match and she said sometimes I kiss his balls or and Johnny said that must make his putter stand up that's like kids were telling that I didn't even know who he was I remember that that's risque my friend oh that's work this is when he yeah when he had the ladies on he would do the double one yeah it's 1970 yeah I love that 60s I mean the the I said sucks who wasn't what was one of the women came on and say would you like to pay She had a cat or something. Exact same thing. That's the other one.

That's the companion story to that one about the butter. You have to share that one. I figured that was exactly. I think it was Ja-Jar Gabor, some piece of ass of the era. And she said something about, I don't know, but yeah, that was it. It was like, something pet my pussy.

I do. I remember it. I swear to God, Your Honor. That was the other story. Something, something pet my pussy. Yeah. And everybody was like, the biggest lap,

ever that may have been when I learned the word pussy I think so for me I think I'm five years younger than you so yeah I'm sure yeah I remember when he did that and it was like wow but I didn't even know who he was this before I watched the show where it was just yeah this was really young this is I mean he went on in 62 I was six I wasn't watching it or interested I was interested in dirt and the Yankees but by the time I was 12 you know in 1968 I was like oh I'm starting to like one old girl and want to know what might a girl

like in me and like oh Johnny Carson he seems like girls like him and he's funny I could be you know he's like so somebody I idolat and he was cool yeah oh so cool yes so cool he was cold he could be cold as ice oh yeah we're like

freezing people out. Remember all those stories? The John Rivers and the... Yeah. Oh, that was brutal. That was brutal. I mean, if you crossed him... Oh, yeah.

It was mafia time, right? Yeah, he felt he was portrayed in that scenario. You know, he really built up her career and he felt he had been portrayed. You know, but he was something, he was great to me. You know, I was so fortunate to know. He was. Yeah, me too. You know, he was just...

He liked comics. He loved comics. Yes, he's, of course. He's a... He is one. He's a comic. It's like a director who's an actor. You know, he got us.

Yeah. I mean, and when we fucked up even, I fucked up there. Did you? Yeah. Well, yes. Oh. I did it. Like the producer of the show was Freddie de Cordova.

And Peter LaSalle. Was the associate. But Freddie de Cordova was the main guy. And he was an old-school, Hollywood, you know, very well-coffed, Beverly Hills, shopped at that store Carols. You have a great memory. You have a great memory.

It's where Bernie Rose is. Where people like that job. Yeah. Ready to court. Impeccable. Yes. Impeccable. Well, just like, it's kind of very old school.

I'm so very expensive. You know, so, but he was a director. He directed Reagan in bedtime for Bonzo. That's right. And maybe a few others. And so he thought Reagan was his best friend. So it just, and Reagan, there was an assassination attempt, and then I guess they cut like two minutes out of a six minute thing. Yours?

Yes, so they got very mad at me. Really? And I think the only one who could have saved my ass at that point was Johnny himself. Right. I think it had to go up. I think, you know what, he's young, he's stupid, but so was I at 27. He's a funny young man. Give him another shot.

Did you get on after that? Yeah. There it is. No, I'm saying. Yeah. But, you know, I did see my life flash before my eyes. Yeah, look at that. You know, I mean, we've all seen the roadkill of show business.

Oh, yeah. You know, some talented people, and they just got greedy with sort of how big I am before I am. That's right. Shit, which is always stupid. Or they just, you know, you just piss off the wrong person. Oh, yeah. Sometimes you didn't mean it. The town ain't rooting for you.

That's true. They're rooting for themselves. That's right. You're right. You're absolutely right. Yeah, you know, I was really fortunate, you know, in so many respects. You know, my mother got pregnant with me when she was 16. And she had me 17 days after her 17th birthday.

Wow. And my mother's brilliant and beautiful. And I was born in Detroit, Michigan, April, 61. And they assassinated Martin Luther King in April 6th. 68. Right. And Detroit got lit up like a Christmas tree. I remember the riots.

And I remember being a kid in the streets. And I was just playing baseball in the middle of the street and using neighbors cars as first base and home plate. And my mother and my grandmother starts screaming and howling like I've never heard before, like such pain. And it was like they killed him. They killed him. They killed Martin Luther King.

And I'll never forget it. And literally, not less than a minute, I was looking down the barrel of a tank. And the military had immediately taken over the neighborhood. And the troops were walking down the street with the bayonets and the dogs and my mother and grandmother and screaming, get in a house before they shoot you. And you get in the house and you just watch the place on fire.

Like, I'm seven years old. I didn't even know what was going on. Did you, was having a house? Was having this troops come a relief or? Oh, it's scary. We felt like... We would rather they not. Oh, we felt the troops were there to kill us, to shoot us, to contain, because they knew the riots were breaking out.

So they felt like we were... Well, you could be a victim of the riots. Exactly. But they felt like, okay, you're the... You'd rather die in the riot than from the troops. I'm just asking. I don't know. I didn't want to die at all.

I know, but... Right. Their point was, what they said was, get back in the house. Here's the curfew. do not come outside until we tell you, and especially don't come out after dark, we will shoot you. That choice to me is one that should not be political, but everyone makes everything political. I don't think it's a political decision at all.

It's like, okay, there's two scary things going on here. The riot. They're burning. And the troops. And the troops, I don't like either one of these. It was bad. But which one? It was bad.

I wouldn't know either. You know, I believe over 50 people were. shot and killed by the police and by the troops. It was just a horrible, horrible thing. And so my mom said, let's go to L.A. and visit some relatives. So we came out to L.A. in summer of 68, and it was supposed to be a two-week vacation. And my mom said to me one day, do you want to go back to Detroit? And I said no. And she didn't ask me why. I just said no. And the reason I said, no, is I had gone to the movie theaters, movie theater that afternoon.

And there was an advertising trailer for a movie, a Disney movie, and they said, coming to this theater. I wanted to see that movie. I didn't think it was going to be in Detroit. I think I stayed in L.A. because I wanted to see 101 Dalmatians, whatever that summer movie was. I'm not even sure.

That's what it says on the poster out here. L.A. Come because your city is rioting. Stay here. The movie is only here. The movie is only here. So we end up staying. It was a lot of lean years,

sleeping on floors and sofas and, you know, friends and neighbors letting us sleep in spirit. She's a young girl with a baby. She's 23, 4, 24 years old at this point. But she ended up getting into UCLA, and she ended up getting her master's. She was going to school while she was working?

Yes, exactly. She ended up going to UCLA and getting her master's degree in cinema TV production. And after she got her master's degree, and she used to take me to class with her, which I remember vividly. She took me into a class that was taught by Peter Goober. And I remember sitting there listening to him and talk about making movies and so forth and so on. Big producer. Big producer. His partner was John Peter.

And he ended up running Warner Brothers and Sony, just wanted a Batman, one of the biggest life there. And so when she got her master's degree, and you'll love this. When she got her master's degree, she went looking for jobs. And she couldn't get one, a lot of doors slammed on her face. And she went to NBC one day, asked for a job. They said, we don't have one. She said, do you have an intern program where I can work here for free to show you my passion for this business? And they said, no, we do not.

And she asked a question that changed our lives forever. She said, will you please start one with me? Oh. And they said, yes. And that question changed our lives forever. And she could not afford child care. And so I... True.

Most people would just stop there. Would just stop. She went the... That extra... And that is the difference between humans. Why, you know, I mean, you can complain about meritocracy, but some people just get the answer. are right and some don't that's right some people think a little one step past where most people

stop some don't some go down in the mine and come out with the gold that's right some just get dusty that's right that's exactly right she she went the extra mile she must be inordinately proud where you got because like wow oh yeah that really exceeds we work together to this day and so you do oh yeah absolutely i'm blessed what does she what do you mean work to you she's one of but she's one of my producing partners she's exec producer on everything that i have on and what you're will always be. And so she could not afford to- That's a unique business. You don't see that in a lot of boardrooms where the guy and his mom. That's right. You don't see that. You just make your own rules.

And you never fight? Oh, well, we have our debates, but we don't fight. But does she pull rank because she's your mother on a business decision? That's the key question. No. Answer it. No. No, she doesn't. No. She doesn't? She has faith in me. She will say, I don't. But if she disagree, she's not going to pull rank. It's not going to be like, I'm This is your... No. I'm not... Mom, it's like, I'm 65 at this point. Mom, you know, this is why I lay it out

and she goes, I get in, and she'll say... If I was here, that's what I would do. I'd be like, you know, I'm just going to say this one thing. That last month that you were inside of me, it just was a lot. You know, I mean, at that point, the baby is very heavy gas. I was just shitting my pants. I mean, I was eating like a pig.

I felt awful. And this is the answer you're giving. But you do what you want. with the BET Network. I just cannot help it figure in that scenario. She hasn't played that card, but I'm sure she will one day. But, you know, when I couldn't, when she couldn't afford child care, she would take me to work with her.

So I would go to work, I would go out to NBC after school, and on the weekends, and during the summer. And so that is when I met Johnny Carson. I was 14 years old. And I met him, and I thought, wow, this is the greatest guy ever. and I'm sitting there waiting for my mom to get off work. And I would go across the hall and I would watch Red Fox tape Sanford and the Sun. Oh, right, across the hall.

Yeah, and I watch Freddie Prince taped cheek on the man. Oh, I can picture that hall. Yeah, and I would go down the hall and I would watch, you know, Flip Wilson do the Flip Wilson show. Wow, Flip Wilson. And I'm watching Bob Hope do his specials. And then Johnny Carson would tape his show from 530, like clockwork. Yeah, I know. Like clockwork.

They did it 30 times. Right, exactly. And so I would sit there in the parking lot, and I was a kid. And I would wait for Johnny to pull in. And you could set a watch. Two o'clock, his car would turn on to the lot, two o'clock by clockward. He would pull into his parking space, space number one. Get out of his car, whatever it is at the time, a white corvette.

And he would get out of his car with a brown paper bag. lunch. Yeah, yeah. Right? He had his breath, it looked like he had a bologna or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. From Nebraska. Right, he's from Nebraska. And he would float into the studio. And he would go upstairs, work on his monologue, come downstairs shortly before 5.30. And I watched him just religiously. And I watched him, he'd come downstairs a few minutes before 5.30, right behind the corn, dun, dun, done, hit the mark, do the monologue. And I loved how he, he didn't let a cue car boy hold his cue cards. He would take his his cue cards and he would put him on a board and the board would go the length of the studio. So no one ever flipped the cards for him.

Really? Yeah, they never flipped. Oh, it was unbelievable. So what he would do is that way he could stand there and he could edit the jokes. Of course. Right? Joke one's great. I know the feeling. You know the feeling with a teleprompter. I mean, on my show by the time I put it in the teleprompter, after working on it a week, it is exactly what I want. But there have been times when a teleprompter, you know, you just, the prompter guy can't, he's not a, he's not a psychic. He doesn't know if I, you know, I would, geez, I'd love to skip that next sentence, but I can't. Because until I read it, you're not going to move the teleprompter.

You're not going to move the teleprompter. So Johnny created this system where he put him on a board that ran the length of the studio. And if you watch his monologue, and I know you've watched it a billion times, He will veer to the left, because you read left to right. I never noticed it. That's so interesting. He would veer to the left at the beginning of the monologue, and by the end of the monologue, he was veering to the right.

I got to watch. Now you watch that, and you'll see he was just reading left to right, and his body was gradually turn, and he's editing the jokes as he's doing it. And it was brilliant. You may even find photos where you see the cue card in the studio, and it's on the board, and it's going from, left to right. So I would watch him, and he would be done clockwork at 6.30. He'd go upstairs, get off his makeup, whatever it was, and he would walk down to his car about 645, and Freddie

de Cordova and Peter LaSalle would walk with him. And he would give his feedback. You know, I don't like the material that Bill Maher did. Right. What was that kid thinking? And give him another shy. And then he was off the lot by 7 o'clock. Right. And this studio that had hundreds and hundreds of people in their crew, audience, completely empty by 705.

And I used to go and sit behind his desk. Come on. Oh yeah. They let you? No one was in the studio. It was just me. And a janitor. And the janitor would be cleaning up, polishing the floors for the next night. And they knew me

because I'm hanging out during the day. That's not what you wanted to do, that job? Oh, yeah. I wanted to, not the janitor job, but yeah. I wanted to do the Johnny job. You wanted to do the Johnny job. And I sat there, and I would just, and I would read him, I would stand on this. And now you have that time slot.

And I have that time, and I sat, I would see. That's an interesting full circle. And that's something, and I would stand on his time period, on his, on that star. Tell people what I'm talking about. Oh, I'm going to, I'll tell him. No, but, no, but, I mean, you have that time slot now. Yeah, I have that time. On CBS.

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Learn more at Accenture.com slash Spotify. Right. I've been chasing, when I saw Johnny and I saw him in summer of 75 and I was like,

oh no, this is what I'm going to do. I was 14 years old. And I just loved everything about him. And I just loved how, and he was so smart the way he managed that show. And he was off the lot. And I would just go.

and I would sit there and I would stand on his mark and I read his monologue and I would just always read it, read it, read it, perform it. And I just thought he was just the greatest. And then I started doing, and I went and did, Gladys Knight and the Pips had a summer show. And I knocked on the, they had a comedian on. This is Summer of 75.

And they had a comedian on and I went on, knocked on his door and I said, Sir, sorry to bother you, I want to learn how to be a comedian. What should I do? And he said, you should go to the conference. comedy store. And I thought, oh, okay, maybe I need to go there and buy jokes. I didn't know. It's the comedy store. You go buy gigs. You go buy a psych, you know, a slip and fall. You buy a gay. I don't know what are you doing. It's hysterical. Hey, it's called a store. It's called the store, right? And I said, okay, thank you, sir, the comedy store. I'm going to go to the comedy store. I'm thinking out. I mean, magic shops are that? You literally go and buy your act. You go by your act? It's why comics hate fucking magicians. Hello. So you go and I'm thinking myself, okay, I'll go to.

to this comedy store and go buy some material, whatever. And so, and I said, by the way, sir, what's the name of that show you're going to do again in the fall? He said, welcome back, Cotter. And it was Gabe Kaplan. Game Kaplan. Right? So he had just done the Gladys Night and the Pipps Summer Show.

And he was doing his routine about his high school. And then that's a big sitcom. It was going to be a sitcom that fall. So I called the Comedy Store. And this is Summer of 75, Bill. You'll love this. I call them up and I say, so this is a comedy story. Yeah.

I'm just curious, how much do you sell jokes for? Like, what is the joke? And I'm like, okay, and you have, like, prop comedy? There's a guy. And the guy, thank God, he was the nicest guy, because he could have easily blown me off. He says to me, he goes, no, no, no, he goes, the comedy store is a comedy club.

It is not a supermarket where you buy jokes. And I go, oh, he goes, It's a place where you steal jokes. It's a place where you steal jokes. And he said, I say, well, I would like to be a comedian, sir. And he says, okay, then you want to come to Monday night, tryout night, potluck night. And I say, oh, yeah, that's what I want to do. I want to come try out.

He says, okay, the doors open at 7. And we get a lot of people who want to be a comedian. So they start showing up. So do yourself a favor. Get here early. I said, no problem, sir. I'll be there early. I'm 14.

I take the bus to the comedy store and I get there at 9 in the morning. I'm the first one there. I'm like, I think I'm in the right spot. It's funny because I was going to ask you, like, how does, you know, we all started as comics, how does this one become this mogul, this billionaire mogul who owns this and this

and, you know, is buying this and going to buy this? And I see now what it is. I mean, it's this. It's like asking the extra question. It's showing up at 9 in the morning. It's just, you know, just some people just have that sort of, no, it doesn't ever enter their head that they're not going to succeed or get where they're going. That's true. Well, that's not me.

That's not. Every step of the way, I'm like, oh, fuck. You know, is this it? Or, you know, I mean, I don't have that. Really? Yeah. I'm surprised to hear that. I mean, at 70, it's different because now I've done everything I ever wanted to do.

So now I'm playing with the house money. That's right. Yeah, I mean, if it all ends tomorrow, well, you know, it was a good ride. People are basically retired at this point anyway. But I don't want to retire, and nobody who was my fan wants me to. Everything's fine. I don't feel any fucking different, really, or quite frankly, act different. That may be a good or bad thing than when I was 40.

You know, I'm not married. I don't have kids. I still drink and smoke pot and blah, blah, blah. You know, it's like when my life changes, maybe the show or my career will change, but until it does. Enjoy your life. I mean, yeah. And it's just those most surprising thing I learned about getting to 70 is how much everyone else lied about it. Or her presented a picture of it that did not turn out to.

be true. I thought I'd be using a walker. Oh, wow. You know, just the way people are. Yeah. I mean, I used to play basketball in the driveway, you know, the peach tree basket on the tree with my father. And he was like 50 and he'd throw up

and what, oh, everything heard. You know, people back then they didn't work out. They didn't stretch. They wouldn't, my father never stretched a day in his life. I don't think. It just wasn't. That's right. You know, he was in the Army. He was in World War II. We don't stretch. We're made of

different material, I don't know. Now, you have many, many, many years to go, my friend. Well, we don't know that. Well, we certainly hope so. We hope. That's it. You're living the life you want to live, which is so key. But I remember, I remember that going there, the comedy store, and

the door's finally, and I just sat there on the curb, and I'm just writing jokes, and the door is finally open, and Missy Shore, God bless her so, she was signing people, Lynn, Mitzie, and I remember walking out. Oh, Mitchie, of course. And I remember walking, and she was looking down.

She never looked up. And she was looking down, what's your name, what's your name? And I said, Byron. And she looked up, she goes, how old are you? I said, I'm 14, ma'am. She says, you are not old enough to be in this club. You have to leave immediately. I'm going to lose my liquor license.

Oh, wow. And I said, oh, wow, I'm sorry, ma'am. I'm sorry. I didn't even think about that, right? And so I turn around, I start to leave, I get almost all the way to the door. And she goes, wait, wait, wait. She goes, come back. She goes, I'm going to give you a drink ticket.

And she says, don't you dare buy any alcohol with it, use it for alcohol. I said, no problem, ma'am, I don't drink alcohol. To this day, I still don't drink alcohol. Sure you don't. And so she, she. Goofus and gallant over here. It's true. It is true.

And she goes, you stand in the parking lot. I'll have someone come get you when I'm ready. And I think she put me up second or third, and they only had like four people. So she was willing to risk her liquor life. She said, I'm not at risk if you are not in the club. If you're performing in the club, that's fine. Oh. Right?

So you have to be in the parking lot. So I just stand in the parking lot. What a clever out. Clever out. So thank God she thought of it in that moment. Thank you, Mitzie. And she said, you know. What was your material?

like at 14. I had written a spec script for Sanford and son, Red Fox. At 14? At 14. And a guy named David Panich, who was a writer on the show, read the script. And he said, how old are you? That's on 14. He goes, I can't believe you wrote this script. He goes, this is amazing. He said, you must keep writing. And he said, kid, you have it. He was a writer for laughing and for Sanford and son. So I, I submitted the script, they turned it down, and I took the jokes that I had in the script, and I went and did an impression of Red Fox, Sanford's on stage. 200 chairs and four people, and I got a couple of chuckles in my five minutes,

and Mitzie said, you can come back. Wow. And this guy came up to me, Wayne Klein, and Wayne Klein comes up to me, goes, who wrote those jokes? I said, I did, sir. And he said, they were funny. And I said, thank you very much. He goes, can I get your phone number?

I know somebody that may want to write with you. I said, sure. So I give him my phone number, and a week or two later, I get a call. And this guy goes, can I speak to Byron? I go, this is Byron. He goes, this is Jimmy J.J. Walker. Kid Dynamite. Of course.

Summer of 75, he's the number one hottest comic on the planet, good times. Good times. Yep, he's hotter than hot. He says, my man, Wayne Klein, says you're funny. And if my man, Wayne, client, says you're funny, then you must be funny. He goes, I'm sitting in a writer's meeting right now. Would you like to come and write with me and my boys? And I said, let me ask my mom.

And so he goes, oh, my God, Wayne. He has to ask his mom. And he's sitting in his home, in his apartment. And I hear all these guys moaning and groaning. And one of them in the background says, tell his mother not to worry. worry, we will have cookies and milk for him. And Jimmy goes, Dave, be nice. You're going to scare the kid. Just be nice.

And I'm thinking to myself, who's this Joker, Dave, right? So my mom says, okay, you can go and she takes me over there and drops me off. I walk into Jimmy's apartment the following week because he says he has writers meetings every Tuesday and Thursday at 7.30. So I walk in and sitting in his apartment, Jimmy Walker, Jay Aleno, sleeping in his car, David Letterman, that was Dave, who had just come out from Indianapolis in a red pickup truck. Yeah, that's that era. Yeah, and Marty Kline, I'm sorry, Marty Natler, who went on to write and produce Laverne and Shirley in Happy Days, Wayne Klein, Jeff Stein, who went on to do Mr. Belvedere. I got $25 a joke.

Jay Leno and David Lettering got paid $200 a week. David just driven out from Indianapolis, and he was in his orange or red pickup truck. He didn't think he was going to make it. So he wanted to be able to get back in his car and drive home back to Indianapolis. He actually said, I think I screwed up. I had this unbelievable gig as the weatherman in Indianapolis,

and I blew it. I quit this job. And now I'm sitting here. And I remember one day picking David Letterman up to go write jokes together. And he lived in basically like a closet across the street from the comedy store. The bed, he opened the door. He could barely open the door because the bed was blocking it. The bed took up the entire room.

And all he had was this little like... I had the exact same situation when I first moved in. I was in the maids room of an apartment, and the bed came out of the wall. Right. And when the bed was down. Couldn't open the door. You could open the door, but you had to be very skinny to get to the... Right.

It was a closet. It was a closet. It was a closet with a bed in the wall. That's right. And then on the dresser, he had a hot plate and tons of Campbell soup cans. And I'm like, this is a fire trap because he had newspapers all. over the bit. So I'm like, let's get out, let's go write.

And these guys were getting 200 a week. I got 25 bucks a joke. I was thrilled because up into that point, I, you know, my only job at that point was a, I delivered newspapers. I was a paper boy. And I had to. So much better than being a Nepo baby.

I see so much in the media and TV. Nepo babies are just, first of all, there's more of them than ever. And they kind of have a NEPO pride, you know. That's one thing to be like, okay, you know, and then they're like,

yeah, Nepo, you know, they're like not ashamed. They shouldn't be ashamed, but you could be responsible for the idea that, you know, yes, things are a little easier for you. But they will never have what we have with these kind of memories. You just don't.

And if you don't, you're never going to like it as much as we like what we have. You're just not. Yeah, the journey is amazing. The shitty part. which at the time was so shitty if you said to me that, you know, would you like to skip this part? You won't have the memory of it later in life. I'd be like, fine, let's just skip it.

I don't need the memory. But having had it, I love the memory. I love the memory. It makes everything sweeter in the present. That's right. And you look back on that and you go, wow, and everything you live, you can bring it forward. It will play a part of your life.

You will use it. You will put it to use. I enjoyed it. I mean, when I was a paper boy, I was getting half a penny of paper. Los Angeles Herald Examiner, out of business. I had to throw two newspapers to make a penny. I had to throw two. Come on.

True. This is like a... True. I had to throw 200 newspapers to make a dollar. This is like the fees for like... after, what was it after the Civil War, when blacks were technically free, but they were, what do they call them?

Indenture servants, yeah. Well, stuff, something. I can't remember the agricultural version of that. Yeah, exactly. And it was like, you know, a penny for a pound of cotton. Exactly. Just some half a penny for a newspaper delivered. And by the way, you had to get it right on the ladies porch,

or you would get, they would call your supervisor. So when I got that check for $25, I didn't. know with that. I mean, I went to my mom and I said, Jimmy gave me a check one day after the writer's meeting and he said, here's, you know, 25 for the joke you, it was in an envelope. And I opened it up, I go, what is this? He goes, that's for the joke you sold me. And I go, oh, and I didn't say anything. I went home and I said, she goes, how did the writer's meeting go? I said, went well, I, you know, pitched a number of jokes that they like. And I said, he gave me this. And I go, what is this? She said, it's a check. I go, what am I supposed to do with

this. She said, you're going to go to the bank and you're going to cash it. I'm 14. You're going to cash it. And they're going to give you $25. And I said, well, that's okay. I'm not going to cash it. And she goes, why not? I said, because this check says I can make it in this business. And I can't believe somebody would give me 25 bucks for something I would do for free. What a dick. I'd have cashed it. Jesus Christ. Who the fuck are you? That is a ridiculous fucking story I've ever heard. I hope that's not true. I hope that's a bullshit story. I ended up cashing the check. Exactly. See, I'm always right. It's a burden, but it's true. What am I going to do? My mother said, you need the money, cash the check. So I go, she said,

cash the check and ask Jimmy to get the check back because it's going to come to him in a couple months. Jimmy. Jimmy Walker. That's who gave me the, right. Yeah. So I cash the check. Dynamite. I get the $25. And Jimmy, I said to him cash, I said, you know, hey, when you get the check back, can I, can I, you know, get it back? It'd be great. I'd like to frame it. And he said, sure.

And he was kind of like, I thought maybe he was half listening. Sure enough, a month or two later, he hands me the check. And I framed it. And I had him on my show recently. And I said, you know, I don't know if you remember this, but this is a joke you gave me probably almost. 50 years ago. And I hang it in my office because every day, this reminds me, I'm doing what I love, and this was the moment I knew I can make it in this business when you paid me $25. That was to be a writer, and then one night I was at the improv, and Bud Freeman came up to me.

And he says, what are you doing New Year's Eve? And I'm like, well, I'm 17. I'm going to be at home. He goes, would you like to perform? And I said, sure, it'd be great. So I performed. And then a couple of months later, he walked up and he handed me a check. And I looked at it. It was $25. I go, what is this for? This is when comedians, they didn't pay us. The comedy story and the improv.

I remember the whole strike. Yeah, they didn't pay us. And so I said, what is this for? He goes, I pay comedians to perform New Year's Eve. Now, I had performed there for three or four years for free. And I was prepared to work for free for many, many years. And he handed me and I check. And those are the two checks I keep hanging on my wall, one for writing for 25 and one.

for performing. Both of them wrote a nice note, Bud Freeman and Jimmy Walker. So that was a good turning point for me. But I remember Jay and Dave and, you know, really good friends and Jimmy was trying to convince us all, except for Jimmy, except for Jay Leno. He was like, you guys don't want to be comedians,

be writers. And for a minute, David Letterman really kind of focused on that writing part of his life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, you know, but what's unique what's interesting to me is that like you're playing

this the you know the game on this level that most people I talk I mean actually me I do talk to people who play this game on this level but they're not usually comedians you know where you're like oh you know you're bidding on Paramount

you know or what are you bidding on now Snapchat? You know, the very big, you know, this very, it's a poker game I'm not in, and I don't want to be in. It'd be scary to. I think too much money is a little scary. Right. I do.

Yeah. And I'm a man of simple means. Yes. I am. One house, one car, one plane. Simple. I like that. One plane.

I love that. None of that is even true. None of that. Except one car. One car. One house. One house. Or two houses.

I've never been a car guy. Are you? No. No. Which is odd. What do you drive? I have a Mercedes SUV and my wife has the same one. And then we have a family assistant that has one.

And it's to get the cars around. We have the same one. I just am not a car guy. It's really odd because my dad worked at Ford Motor Company and my granddaddy worked at Great Lake Steel. My entire neighborhood put on a uniform and went to an automotive factory or some someone who made parts for the automotive. Now, people either do or don't.

I mean, like Leno and Seinfeld, you know, and, you know, Tim Allen, I think. I mean, when the people are car guys, I mean, it's... And they have great collections. You know, it's not gay, but it's gay for cars. It's very impressive. When you look at their car collections, it's... And I love it.

You know, everybody has their... passion. You know, their passion is... Do you think everybody? I think most people have some type of passion. They like to collect or listen to or do. I think nowadays, I think a lot of people's passion is just to get to someplace. Right. Like without sort of like doing what you have to do to get there. They just want to be a Kardashian. You know, they're kind of like the heroes of this era in our life. because they became royalty from, you know. Social media.

Yeah, I mean, literally a blowjob tape. Social media. And it just transports throughout the world quickly. And I always say when people ask me about them, the nicest people in the world. The Kardashians. Yes, the only... I love them. I think they're great.

The only issue they would ever have is the origin story. The origin story is a little suspect. It would be like if Spider-Man became Spider-Man because he blew a spider. Oh, God. You know what? I knew their dad. So, you know, his dad, because I went to USC.

And his dad was a big, you know, dad was a big USC. And he was the nicest guy. And it was just a good guy. And I like Chris. I think Chris has done an amazing job. Yeah, she was here. She has done an amazing job. I mean, when you look at what's been built in.

It's a fortress. That family, it's like CIA, CAA, you know, It's like a machine, a shark-like machine that just runs and, you know, one show goes down and another comes up. And it's like, it is a never-ending money-making juggernaut. It's, she's done a magnificent job. I think Harvard should take a slow down now a little, they've made their for, I mean, they're billionaires too. I think, I think Harvard should teach a business class on what they built and branding. What do you think of the crowd that you hang with?

I'm not saying necessarily deliberately, like, well, I'm sure you have your people who you like, let's have dinner. But, you know, just the thing I see you out, I see you with sometimes at the Laker game. You're always at the Laker. You'll have floor seats. Well, I don't own them permanently, but yes. But who do you see me with when you see me at the Laker Day? I don't know. Who are you with?

My wife and my kids. Yeah, well, I'm not suggesting you're hanging out. with Nick Fuentes. I'm just saying, I'm just saying, I'm always what my wife and my kids. Okay, but I'm saying just the crowd, like the, you know, we're fortunate enough that we hang out with the very fancy people, that's right, that's right, of Los Angeles, which is, you know, like it or not, I'm sure New York would argue, but kind of the cultural capital.

I mean, we make the entertainment and everybody lives out here. And I mean, New York is New York. It's awesome and, you know, the greatest city of the world. And please don't look with me on this. If you love it, you love it. I live there. I have roots. I love it.

I don't want to live there, but I love it. I love L.A. I do. And I know you do too. Oh, yeah. I left Detroit when I was seven, and I've been here since 68. I couldn't imagine living any place else. I can't either.

And so many people come to the same conclusion. And a lot of it is just the climate. it's such a big thing that people pretend, or there are people, Woody Allen was here, somebody else was here recently saying the same thing, I can't remember who, that they like gray days. There are people who like gray days. God bless them.

God bless them, but it's a weird thing. It is. It's as weird as a lot of other psychological things people could have because we are solar creatures, and the sun is so basic. I mean, as I wake up, you know, first of all, you should get sun right when you wake up in your eye. That's science.

That's right. It's just very healthy. That's right. And, yeah, I love it here. I love the climate. I like the suburbs. I never liked living in a, you know, urban setting in a building. I don't want to live in a building.

I agree. Right? I agree. Again, I'm not saying you're weirdos or anything like that. I'm just saying there's something about not wanting to be being okay with. people right on the other side of a wall. And I'm not saying, even in a nice building, I'm just aware that I'm sitting here and right over there

there is another guy who I don't know or want to, and this thing between us, but... And you hear them quite often. And in a cheap place you do. Yeah, even in nice places. Even in nice places? Even in nice. You think?

Oh, I know. I know. I know. I had a very nice condo in one of the most expensive buildings in New York, and I heard the neighbors. They must have been loud. They must have been really loud. Oh, yeah. Doing what? Fucking or fighting? They were the former, yeah. You heard them fucking. Oh, yeah, absolutely. That can be kind of hot.

Rich people having sex. I should have made that a podcast. I mean, did you know who it was? Yeah, they're your neighbors. You see them in the hallway. Oh, so you could picture them doing it. Well, I didn't do that, but you could. Oh, come on. You heard them and didn't picture them? You expect me to believe that?

When I said, no, I'd actually picture, and I thought. Were they attractive? Fairly. Fairly. Yeah. Well, that isn't a ringing endorsement to like getting a boner. I said fairly. What's wrong with you?

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You know, I will say this, New Yorkers, I don't want to speak for all New Yorkers, but they definitely started to agree with us when COVID hit. And man, that they run out of those. Agree about what? Agreed about not wanting to be in buildings with other people. Right. Yeah, they ran to Aspen. Right.

They ran everywhere. The Hampton. Any place they could get space. You know, that's one of my big bugaboo's about COVID and the people who attack me about COVID is that the bullshit of every time I turn on the TV, it was some version of we're all in it together. No, we're not.

you fucking assholes, you fucking posers. Half of us are getting food delivered by the other half. And you're the half that's sitting home in your pajamas. Ah, that's... And talking about how much we're all in it together. No, you're going out to the Hamptons. You've got... You're going to a yacht.

Yes. I know you're putting out Instagram... Yeah. Political messages about it, and that's awesome. Yeah. But basically, you're the one who's insulated from, if we're really all in it together, I got an idea. How about we take turns about who's working for Grubhub? Ah.

If we're really all in it together, maybe that should be something that has to get passed around. So some of us are delivering some of the time instead of some of us delivering all of the time and some of us in our pajamas all the time. Oh, yeah. You know, I have something I want to share with you about Johnny that I think you'll appreciate, because I know how much you love them. You know, when I went to go, I had a once a week one-hour show called the Byron Allen show. Yeah, I know. And it was once a week. And it was on Saturdays, 1130, blah, blah, blah.

What year are we talking now? 89, about 88, 89. So real people's 80. Eight, real people, 79 to 84. And this was 89 or so, late 80s. Did you keep up with Skip Stevenson? I loved to skip. Unfortunately, he passed away.

He did. He had a harder time. He was great. He was so. He was just a really good guy. He was a comedian. He just loved comedy. Remember every joke he ever heard. That was the thing that blew me away.

But just his look in his name. He would have to literally be named White Guy. I've never thought about that. That's hilarious. Really? Skip Stevenson. Yeah, that's hilarious. With the look and the hair and the blonde and the sweater and the Skip Stevenson.

He was great. I was like, is this, I always thought like, okay, you were on there. This is 1980. 1979. Things were very different racially in 1980. 79.89. Were they saying like, okay, we've hired a black guy. We need to hire now.

The whitest motherfucker that God ever put on this greener. Looking at, cut to, looking at pictures. No. Biff, willing to know. Skip Stevenson. He's it. You know, how to end that show? You know, I ended up, I called a,

remember, you remember, Jim McCauley. Of course. He was the booker of comedians for the Tonight Show. So in our world, he was like... The Comedy God. He was, yes. If you were the kind of person

who blew people, you'd want to blow him. He was... Didn't cross my mind, but... Yeah, nor mine. But he... He, I called him up one day. And I said, Mr. McCauley, you know, I would like to be on the tonight show one day. You were too much.

Well, didn't you call him? Of course you did. You didn't call him? No, no, no. It's just hysterical. So I called him up and I said, I liked to be. And you were what, eight? I was 17.

17. And I said, I like to be on the show one day. And I just would love for you to take a look at my material and where I'm going with it. And just make sure you think I'm on a track where, you know, Mr. Carson would appreciate it. Wow. And he said, okay. Okay, when you're going to be, where are you going to be next? I said, I'll be at the improv tomorrow night.

He says, I'll stop by. Okay. And I, you know, and the club, Wednesday night, improv, 20 people there, whatever. You know, it's a Wednesday night at that point. And he shows up. And I did my act. And I said, and he, I said, thank you for coming, Mr. McCauley. I really appreciate it.

He calls me a week later. And he says, I want you to do the show. I want. Whoa. I said, I'm sorry, sir, really appreciate the offer, but I'm going to pass. And my mom goes, what was that all about? And I said, Mom, I'm not trying to do the Tonight Show and won and done. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

When I do the show, I hope that I'm going to get offers. And when I get offers, I want to be able to accept them. I'm in high school. I can't accept one offer. This is what you said? This is what I said to my mother. In the movie version, I feel like it's someone who's much older having to say this to you. I personally was not of this maturity level at 17.

But you're gallant and I'm goofish. No, no, no, no. I mean, it's your centeredness at such a young age is really amazing. No, thank you. And my mom said, okay, I understand. So Johnny introduces me on the tonight. You did it, though. Yeah, I turn 18. It's about a week before I graduate from high school. And I'm like, okay, this is great. I know I'm going to get out of high school. I'm going to get into USC film school. And I'm going to be able to play comedy clubs in the summer, make money, pay my tuition, and I'm off my mom's payroll. And I'm no longer a financial burden to my mother. This is my A number one goal, right? So I, Johnny says, we offered Byron the tonight show and he was 17. He turned it down because he had her homework. That is how Johnny introduced me.

That's awesome. So I go, and now I'm backstage, and I'm standing, you'll love this story, I'm backstage, I'm standing behind the curtain, and I'm joking with Gene Gene, the Dancing Machine, and Irv. Joky, behind that curtain. I remember standing behind that girl, while the band's playing? Yeah.

You were joking. I was shitting my pants. I was having fun, because I had grown up there. Now, remember, I had been on that, I had been on that studio lot for four years since I was 14 years old. It was really... And you sat in the chair in episode two. And I sat in all the chair.

I sat like that... Right. That studio was an extension of my bedroom. It was an extension of my apartment. Because I'm waiting for my mom to get off work. So I'm at home. So in that studio. And I'm having fun with Irv and Gene Gene.

And my back is to the curtains. And they stop kind of joking and smiling. They stop smiling and just kind of get serious. And they go, um, clear their throats. signaling to turn around. And I turn around and it's Johnny Carson. And he says,

don't worry kids, you're going to be great. Wow. And when he said that to me, I thought, wow, this is my hero. I can make cheers laugh. Master didn't do it to me. But he loved you. He loved you.

He would not let me get away with two minutes of bed. Because you were a child star. It was a novelty act that they were claiming credit for. I was 18. I was a kid star. I mean, it's a little of both. Yeah. I mean, I'm sure they would have done it if they didn't think you could score.

I mean, because one thing they didn't like at that show, failure. Oh, boy. I mean, Johnny was a tough task master. I mean, you know, first of all, we keep talking about him. And if people are younger, first of all, they may be bored. I'm too bad. We love him. And he was an important guy in show business.

But it's important to know if you even are interested at a younger age. Things were just so different beginning with. People had a much longer attention span. Oh, yes. This is pre-phones. That's right. So conversations could breathe. That's right.

You know, things could happen at a much slower pace. I get it. Things change. Technology, brains, whatever. I'm not fighting it, even though I may lament it. I don't think it's better, but okay. But it just was different. Johnny could not survive today.

That's right. As himself. No, no. He was right for his era. Perfectly right for his era. And I remember McCauley would go over every word of your material, which is why I'm surprised you had that setback there. I'm surprised too, but maybe I, you know.

Did you deviate? I did. Okay, that's what happened. Well, I don't know. Yeah, you deviated. I probably. Yeah, you absolutely did. I guess I did.

Yeah, you did. And then now, you know. Yeah, it was my sixth one. Yes. And I guess I thought after five, like, okay, now the king, he loves you. He could take his court here at the Tonight Show and just riff on Reagan getting shot. Oh, boy. And so, and then here, and now Jim McCauley, poor guy, he's walking around in adult diapers because that could end his career. And he's like, because he would go over every word, every nuance.

No. That's why I'm surprised you got away with that. It's such a perfect example of why it's bad as it is sometimes to be 70. It's better than 20. You're just stupid. You do so many stupid things. The idea that any time, like, after hopefully 40, I would have been so dumb as to do that joke in front of that producer. You would never do it.

You would never do it. And I think there was a couple of times in those early years when I did something brash and kind of like, and I think there for the grace of God because I do. do think there's a couple of times, I could have been one of those roadkill people who were like, you know, this kid is just an asshole. But luckily they were like,

you know, I think he'll grow out of that. And he did. Yeah. And the talent is worth it. I mean, I owe HBO a lot for that. Bingo. You know, they really, there are a network that really, like, they believe in how good

you could, can be, not just how good you are. There you go. And that's a, I would, say a key to their success because that makes artists really want to work with you. Yeah, and your success. You needed the right platform where you could sign. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so that was it. And when you had me come out there and do the show, you know, I remember standing there. I remember standing behind the curtain and I said,

in the next five minutes, I'm going to go out here, I'm going to make these people laugh, and I'm going to change my life and my mom's life for the better forever. And they, when they open that curtain, boom, hit the mark, did it. Now fast forward, I go. I go to, you'll love this. I go to do the Byron Allen show and I go looking for a studio to take. And I said, let's go look at NBC. So we go to NBC and they show me every studio except Johnny's. And I said, you showed me, they go, which studio would you like to rent? I said, well, you show me every studio except one. And they go, which one did we not show you? I said, you didn't show me Johnny's studio. And everybody started chuckling and kind of getting nervous and a little nervous laughter. I said, no, I said, Johnny's studio is the best studio in town.

I said it was designed by Bob Hope. And I said it's a... Yes, with the stadium seating. Right, the stadium seating. And I said, the problem with a lot of these television studios is that they put the audience in a pit. And we as comedians, we can't help, we can't help but play to the people. Right. And so when we go out there on stage, it's really tough because the cameras right there, but the people are below and we keep playing to the people and we're closing our eyes to the camera because we're looking down at the audience in the pit. And Bob Hope designed a television studio that has stadium seating and it rakes up. Otherwise a prick, but that really was a good thing he did.

No, he had some funny, he was, he had a moment, a long moment. My parents loved him in World War II. like them later in life. Right. So I said, that's the studio. It's the perfect studio. You hit the mark and your eyes are open and you're playing to the camera and you're also able to play to the people because they're sitting right behind the camera. Best studio in town for a comedian. And I say, as a matter of fact, Bob Hope designed the studio and he gets to use it and tape his monologue for his TV specials because he's doing

specials every, you know, four weeks, eight weeks, whatever it was, they would just bring up Johnny's curtains, and they would bring down Bob Hope's curtains. And he would go and tape his monologue after Johnny finished his show at 630, and that would be his monologue for his special. I said, so here's the deal. I said, I've been watching Johnny personally since I was 14. He's back in his car and off the lot by 7 o'clock and on his way to Malibu. At 701, I want to strike his set. and I want to take his set out, and on Saturday, on Friday night, on Friday night, and I said on Saturday, I want you to put my set in. On Sunday, I will tape two shows.

And on Monday, you'll put his set back in because he wasn't doing the show on Mondays at that point. He was Tuesday to Friday. And I said... Wasn't there a guest host? No, they were doing Best Up Johnny's on Monday at this point. A repeat on Monday. It was a repeat on Monday. So unthinkable today.

So unthinkable today. day. Right, right? So I said, 701, my crew comes in, strike his set, Saturday my sets in, Sunday, I knock out two shows, Monday you put them back in, and then he tapes Tuesday through Friday. They said, he'll never do it. I said, just do me a favor. Just one favor. Ask him, and tell him the request is coming from me. Just say my name to him. He has watched me, And he is, because I've always made it a point to stand in the parking lot since the time I was 14 and say, hello, Mr. Carson. Hey, Mr. Carson, I saw your joke the other night.

That was very funny. And over the years, I got him to know my name. And then he put me on the Tonight Show. I said, just mention my name. So they go to him and they say, they want to strike your set, da-da-da-da. He's like, you're out of your mind. Don't touch my set. Don't even think about it.

And they said, oh, by the way, the request became from Byron Allen. He came from Byron Allen. He said, oh, he goes, let the kid strike my set. You're a ridiculous person. You're just a ridiculous person. And if this isn't a lifetime movie, then my name isn't Johnny asshole. I mean, right? Come on, man.

You'll love this. Come on, man. Bill, you love this. But just in this one, how long have we been here an hour? Just this is this one hour. It's like we've got a whole inspirational, I mean. But really, every story is like, I know you don't need the money, but you should either be an inspirational speaker

or like make this into a movie because this is, you know, every story is like, it's inspirational. But no, you'll love this story because you love Johnny and I love talking to somebody like you when we talk. So this is the why, this was, by the way, this was, by the way, this was the, it wasn't the craziest thing to ask. It was the craziest thing is how much money I spent to strike his set.

every other week and put my set in. That is not how you make television. Please believe me when I tell you that, folks. So they say, okay, what parking spot do you want? Don't you dare ask for parking spot one? That's Johnny. They said, as a matter of fact, we gave you parking spot two next to Johnny. I said, absolutely not.

I do not want parking spot number two. I would like to have parking spot number three. And they said three. I go, yeah. I said, Johnny has a white corvette at the time. time I had a black car. I said, I'm not going to get out of my car and Nick his white Corvette. I'm not getting my black paint on Johnny's white Corvette. I said, I was having lunch. You were always one chess move ahead of the rest of us. No, no, no. Byron. It's true. You'll love this. So I said, I was having lunch. I was having lunch with David Horowitz. You remember David Horowitz. He had a... There's several David Horowitz. But this was on, he was on KMBC Fight Back with David Horowitz.

He had a consumer advocate segment on KMBC. Consumer Advocate, David. And so if you rip somebody off, David Horowitz would show up with a camera. And David was great. He was amazing, right? And we were having lunch in the commissary one day, and he was complaining about how they put his parking space in Siberia on the lot. Like, Dan, I'm way away from the studio. Why?

For whatever reason, because he was local television and all the national shows were taking up the parking. spot over by the tonight show. I said, do me a favor. I said, give David Horowitz parking space number two. Do me that and I'll take three, right? And my producer or go over here, whatever. They said, okay, David pulls in, Byron, oh my God, you're the best. I said, listen, David, you have a gold Mercedes. I said, do me a favor. I said, I'm going to scooch over to the right and I'm going to encroach on Doc Severnson. He's spot number four. I said, and I want you to scoot over and so you don't nick Johnny's car. Don't get your gold paint on Johnny's white corvette. He goes, oh, this is a good thing. You know, now, so I get the parking space. Now, the reason I did this and you'll love this, I was able to have these three, four, five-minute conversations with Johnny and the parking lot.

Right. And so I was able to say that, John. Whoever. And I would say, Johnny, Mr. Carson, I'd say, I saw your monologue, this is great. And I'd say, sir, did you get a chance to watch my show on Saturday night? Because he didn't go out. He goes, yeah, I did. I go, do you have any notes, sir, that you can give me? And those notes change my mind, change my life, and help my mind really. Like what? He said to me, in the nicest way, he says, Byron, he goes, I want you to remember something. He said, I'm not really doing a talk show. He says, I'm doing a comedy show.

He said, the first half hour is comedy. He says, I do a monologue eight to ten minutes, and then I do a sketch, and then I'll have on, you know, a celebrity like halfway through. Not a sketch, but a desk piece. Whatever it was. Sometimes a sketch. A comedy piece. Or, yeah. But yeah, but yeah.

Yeah, but yeah. A comedy piece. So, monologue and then a comedy bit, right? With Ed. With Ed. Right? Whatever it was, right? And then he says, I'll have on celebrity number one, celebrity number two, good night.

And he said, you know, and I don't jump in on the celebrity unless they're bombing. He says, pull back. Let them shine. And your job is to step in when they're not shine. Right. And he says, just pull back. But he goes, I'm doing a comedy show. And that's when I thought, you know what, I'm not going to do the talk show.

I just do a comedy show. And I'll just have comedians come on. I don't need to talk to celebrities and talk about a book or a movie or TV show. That came out of that conversation with Johnny in the parking lot. And also I remembered when I would go to Canner's Deli or, or across the street from the improv, the mustache cafe, or whatever it was, the comedians, when we all sat around in a restaurant,

everybody was funnier when we were together in that restaurant than on stage. Everybody was a little timid. They weren't themselves. Like they were, you know, but when they can't, comedians, when comedians around other comedians, they know, look, a comic knows when they walk into a room,

they can be the funniest person if they want to be. But when they're around other comedians, it's a different sharpness. It's just a different focus. And I said, I like when comedians aren't together. When we talk, it's a certain camaraderie that's different. I've never gotten into that who's the funniest. It's such a silly, subjective thing.

Not trying to be the funniest. In what way? Exactly. You know, there are certain ways I am and there's certain ways Adam Sandler is and you are. You know, it's just silly. You're right. You know, I mean, there are people who, Martin Shorts, Dana Carvey, who just are like these laugh machines.

They're just, there are. they're certainly on a level that's energy-wise. Yes. Different than me. Yes. It doesn't mean even if I wasn't mean, I was just an audience, I'd be like, I love them and I love him too. It's just different.

It's like sometimes you want to hear an upbeat song, and sometimes you want to hear, you know, me and Mrs. Jones. We've got a thing going on. We both know it's wrong. Let's put that on the table. We both know it's wrong. but it's much too strong. I love it.

Much too strong. You remember that one? Oh my God, I remember that. Oh, my God, that's great. That's so funny. So, yeah,

I thought you'd appreciate that, you know, but having that time and just learning from him was... What is this? What is the Snapchat thing? I read this. I...

Not Snapchat. I bought BuzzFee. BuzzFeed. BuzzFeed's a publicly traded company, and I ended up making an investment in it, and HuffPost. I think that's a public... And Tusty.

I think all these places have been horrible to me. Have they really? Oh, I certainly know Huffington Post has. Really? Oh, once Ariana left and it became like the most woke, ridiculous. Oh, my God. What they say about you? I don't even know.

Do you own it? Yeah, now I own it. I just, I control 50. It's probably traded. I control 52%. Someone's fucked now. Have another drink, Bill. Oh, I'm going to have a tall one for that.

Are you kidding? So, Bill, we've only known each other since, what, 1983? Yeah. So I've owned it, I think, all of two weeks, three weeks. Well, let's give it another week. Before we have, I don't want to call it a witch hunt. Well, frankly, that's what I hope it will be. But, no.

No, they just have, I mean, they were like peak woke. Yeah. And they came down on you pretty hard? Oh, for years. Which one? This is a Huff post. Yes. Yeah, yeah.

Like, that's what I. hate about the left the purity and that's what huff post i'm like i'm worse than like republicans because i'm not pure with their would and a lot of what they believe of course is it's silly insane revolutionary garbage from people who don't know facts or history or perspective but that's okay i don't have grudges against i don't even read it there you go but it is and what was the on BuzzFeed. BuzzFeed. But all these places

are a bunch of snarky fucking millennial probably Nepo babies. I mean, I just know how these kids who have these jobs were how much

they were indoctrinated before they got there. And they are not America. So I don't know. You don't read your own publications? Like I said, I'm there two or three weeks. At the end of the day,

I do read it. And what I find is that, you know, there's that spectrum. You know, I learned very early on A guy taught me, he was just a really good guy. I met him when I was 19 years old. His name was Al Messini.

And he created entertainment tonight and lifestyles, rich and famous and solid gold. I met him at a television convention, and he became like a second father to me. And he just said, don't get caught up. He said, you know. Johnny, this guy, you're just like fucking. You've got to go introduce yourself. Unbelievable. Just introduce yourself, Phil.

I'm just going to say. What about the Pope? You ever meet him? No, but I have gone to the Vatican. Really? And I went to Catholic school. You did? Yeah.

I was raised Catholic. Is that right? I was raised Catholic. I went to Catechism, which is Catholic training. Yeah. We had it on Sunday before church. That's right. My mother stayed home.

She was not Catholic. I didn't know what she was until I was older. Jewish, it turned out. And my father insisted I would go to church. Well, before church, which I fucking hated, of course. But the really bad thing was two hours before we would drop off at catechism, which was, I guess, teaching you how to be Catholic. That's right.

You know, I remember giving a hundred questions we were given on a mammograph page. We had to memorize. That's right. Where is God? God is everywhere. That's right. Did you go to confession every Friday? Yes, and confession, which I think Saturday, because... I went every Friday.

Whatever it was, it was close to Sunday, because you didn't want to leave a window there when you might sit, because this is... once you went to confessions and spoke through the little screen there, you were free of all sins. Forgive me, Father, but there was a little bit of a gap between when you got

communion. You can't get communion unless you're free of all sin. That's right. So there was like an eight-hour gap. It's a little like when the porn star gets tested and then there's still kind of like Saturday night. You know what I'm saying? I think you do.

This is hilarious. I love this podcast. I'm another drink. This is great. But, yes, I, I, every Friday? Saturday. Oh, you went Saturday. Saturday, because Sunday was when you got communion.

And, of course, as a kid, you're just, what fucking sins could I be doing as a, as a seven-year-old? So you're like, the anxiety, the anxiety that I had. I remember one of mine, forgive me, father, for I have sin. I told my mother I would take the trash out by 5 o'clock, and I did not do it until 5.30. Yeah, shit like that. Exactly. And for that, they put scars for life on you. I still remember it. Exactly. I still remember it 58 years later.

Just the, you know, your heart is pounding because you were, you're seven, and you were told this man has your faith, you know, he can condemn you to hell. My heart was pounding until he said, you are forgiven. And then, yeah. And then you would be given penance. And like he's got an apicus in there. And he's right, okay, it's three Hail Marys for the lie. And, yeah, and he would say, and of course, the children, we did, if only I'd known at the time, of course, he's not going to make it too onerous. It would be like, say, three Hail Marys and two hard fathers.

And I'd be like, whew. So funny, when I met my wife 25 years ago. Wow, really, 25 years. You've been married 25 years? We've been together 25. Wow. We've been married 19. How did you know she was the one?

She said yes. We'll be right back. Jennifer's great. She's my best friend, and she's just wonderful. I remember she walked into my closet, and I had nothing but... You were in the closet? No, no. She walked into my closet in my one-bedroom, a condo, and she saw I had...

It was nothing but black pants. and white shirts and like blue sweaters. And she goes, this is your entire wardrobe? I go, yeah. She goes, did you used to wear a uniform? And I thought about it. I went, as a matter of fact, I did. And she said, this is crazy.

We're throwing all this away. We're going to go buy some jeans. And I just didn't realize how I grew up with the uniform, like do everything straight over the plate. It was indoctrinated day once when I was a little kid. You were living in a condo 25 years ago? Yeah, I was in a condo. I was in a one-bedroom condo.

When I met my wife, yeah, I was in a one-bedroom. Yeah, so your wealth came, let your mogul period came, not at all in the last century, all in this century. For the most part, yes, exactly right. Exactly right. And, you know, I realized early on it wasn't show business. It was business show. I remember a kid rock was here and he goes,

I fucking love being rich. And all I could say was, I do too. I mean, come on. Why should we hide it? Especially when we were poor. Well, yeah. I mean, it's just, it's like the, you know, it's the reason why it's so popular.

Because it's just such a lubricant. Yeah. Like more than, because I'm not an acquirer of things. Right. Like, I don't collect. anything that you know motorcycles cars you know paintings smart like jewelry none of that gives me any pleasure smart but it's just what does what does my delicate Christian wife sue and our two homeschooled children no I'm sorry that's not my life that's

somebody else you know my work yeah love yeah friends yeah you know just my I'm a person of routine. I get it I get pleasure out of being anal and just I have a job that's been the same job for 23 years that's you know I like that I like the process I like feeling that it's you know something people are feeling fulfilled by I mean you need a purpose to wake up in the day and I just but I have no material there's no uh you know, I don't need a lot of money to do the things people do with money. I mean, for all the people who are like always talking about, you know, their virtues signaling about the poor and everything,

well, you spend a lot of money on things you don't specifically really need. You could, we could all do that. We could all just, you know, this jacket is $5,000. I could just not have it and still have plenty of clothes and give $5,000. But we all think, well, is it really going to get there? If I thought it really would go direct, if I could somehow telepathically put it in the pockets, I don't think I'd ever buy another $5,000 jacket.

Is that right? If I could really do that. Because I have 15. Right. Some people have 500. Right. Right. And they're still buying.

That's right. That's right. Which one are you? You know, my personal. life, you know. How many jackets do you have? Personally, not that many. For the show, we have a wardrobe, but look, I'm jeans. I'm not counting the show. Oh, right. That's a wardrobe. That's wardrobe. That's wardrobe. That's wardrobe. I like jeans. Please, we cannot be people like us who are male models. We cannot be seen just wearing anything on television, Byron. I mean, the people would

revolt. Look, I have a hole in my gene right here. I like, I just want soft jeans, tennis shoes. I want to be comfortable. Right. I like being comfortable. Me too. I can't wait. I'm at home. I like to put on my soft pajamas and t-shirt and just hang out with the wife and kids. Although I also must say, I kind of, like, I wouldn't want to do it a lot, but when there was a reason to put a suit on,

you know, you look good in a suit. Yeah. The suit is designed for men. That's right. I mean, it's just somebody did that years ago, and we went, oh, this thing makes me look better just sort of visually. Right.

You know, you can be a fat fuck and you're still under a suit, like the thing is cut here. It covers up a lot. Or if you are in good shape, it's even better. Even better. Yeah, frames you. Yeah, exactly. And the tie, no reason for a tie. Right.

I mean, what's the reason for a tie? It's an odd thing, a tie. It's an odd fucking thing. It is. Do you know what causes disease? Now what? The tie. How is this?

I tell you. I love that. We're talking like David Mamet characters now. Suddenly it's now just... And here's the fucking thing. Because doctors in hospitals will be wearing a tie and they will lean up...

There's a lot of bacterial infections in hospitals. It's one of the main reasons why you don't want to be in a hospital. Never. Because whatever you go in with, you could get something worse in there. That's right. It's where the germs live. Yes.

So don't wear a tie that could, like, as you're bending over the patient. I'm not making that up. That's great. That shit happened. Great observation. And like our one here, Cedar Sinai, very good hospital. Yes. And like, they're a good hospital with a good rating because they don't do stupid, stupid shit like this.

They really don't. And, yeah, but no reason for the time. No. Aside from killing people. Except it kind of, again, frames us. There's something about it that works with the V of the suit. That's right. Do you like to go on vacation?

Ah, great question. You know, I used to see you in Hawaii. Yes. Because for 12 years. Maui. I did Maui and Honolulu. People know this. Would perform.

Perform. I started at a time when no one would do it, and I broke that market. That's right. And said New Year's Eve, who wouldn't want to be a, And then everybody did it, so they crowded me out of my own market. Okay. But it was awesome, and I would bring people. I'd see you there.

That's right. I mean, it was just a wonderful time. What was the question? Where do you like to go vacation? Oh, do you like to go vacation? Now, once that ended, that was my vacation. And even then it was a working vacation. That's right.

You know, I did two shows. I did Honolulu, and I did Maui in four days. But, you know, I also was on the beach and body surfing. it. It was so awesome and I'd bring people and, you know, it was just fun. It was one of those great things you can do when you're, you know, I couldn't have done it when I was 30. I had other things that were good then, but I certainly couldn't have brought a gang of people on a private plane to Hawaii every fucking New Year's. Isn't that great? It was awesome and, you know, got to like this, but for four days. That's right. With people who I was getting to know, you know.

Yeah, yeah. I got to know Nikki Glazer that way. Lots of people. She's great. Lots of people I got to know that way. Yeah. You know, but... You would always bring these great comedians to come... Yeah, it was fun.

The Natasha? But no, Natasha, yeah, absolutely. Natasha Legerre? She's amazing. I remember she had a baby at home at the time. She was not going to do it. She was like, no, I'm a newborn.

I was like, yeah, but it's Hawaii. Okay. But, yeah, everybody was always... It was great. Any place also? No, I mean, I don't tour anymore. I did that for over 40 years. You don't go out and do dates anymore?

No, I stopped. You know, everything comes to an end. I mean, I feel like I quit at just the right time because... Oh, my God, you're worth a million, two million a night. Not a night, but, I mean, it was very lucrative. I played all the great theaters in this country. You and a couple more comics, you could do it in arenas. Yeah, I would never do anything with other comics.

I feel like you should really... Well, you did New Year's Eve. New Year's Eve. You would take other comedians and open for it. Oh, yes. You're right. Did you forget that? Okay, yes.

Let's have another dream. Okay, once a year, you're right. You're right, I did. I didn't like it. I mean, I love them, but like I feel like comedy is, especially the kind of I do, it's just so distinctive. I just, I think all comedy is, not just mine. It's all so distinctive.

You'd rather just do it by yourself? It's just hard, yeah, yeah. I always did when I went on the road. I never had an opening act. And well, how much time would you do? hour and a half to two. Jesus. Yeah.

I mean, I think that's what, people buy a ticket to see you at that level. That's right. You know, I mean, they're not there to see an opening act and that's okay.

I mean, that to me is one of the great things about, I mean, we're really privileged to do that, to like go out in front of a group of people who bought a hard ticket to see you,

which means they really get you. That's right. It was such a joy, hopefully for them, I think usually it was. But for me, too, just to be able to indulge myself with people who I know, you get me fully, you bought this ticket. You're not just a fair weather fan. Just like it is in a romantic relationship with somebody, to be with somebody who really gets you when that's the audience, it is almost intimate.

It is intimate. Yeah. It's wonderful. I mean, listen, I'm surprised you're not out there. I didn't know you had retired. I mean... I can't stand the trouble. I'm a nervous travel.

And you're flying privately? I was for the whole century. Well, why? Even that became too much. I'm telling you. To drive to ban eyes and get on a private jet? Correct. What's the problem?

Correct. What's the problem? First of all, some... I'm not going to sit here and, like, complain about private jets. But you know what? Fuck it. I will. I want to hear this, Bill.

No, no. I've always been very honest about it. You're always very honest period. I did an editorial about this on Real Time One saying, and I remember turning right at the camera and saying, I'm Bill and I fly private. I mean, I did a whole thing that, and because everybody else, I said, at least I'm honest about it.

Everybody else who's an environmentalist, I showed all the pictures of them getting on private planes. There you go. None of them don't do it. Carbon offsets, bullshit. That's right. That's right. Okay, we live in this age where if you can fly private, you do.

It was always for a gig. It wasn't like I was even paying for the plane. I mean, I was in a way because I was making less on the gig, but I still made money on the gig. I just wouldn't have done it if I had to fly. Many of them I couldn't even get to on the schedule. I had to be here a Friday to tape real time. So how am I going to be on stage in fucking Wisconsin?

Okay, so it became, first of all, too many crypto assholes with too much money. Started buying up to jet. Chasing two few jets. I never bought. I didn't want to own one. That's right. Because then everything is your problem.

You have to hire the pilots and keep them on. You have to get a hanger. You have to do the landing right. That's right. I was like, no. The maintenance, the whole thing. Yes, let me just. And also, when you have a, this happened a few times, if you're renting it and it doesn't work on the runway, which happened more and more.

It's one reason I'm stopping. More and more, there was the, uh, there's something wrong with the computer. That's right. Like, they will get you another plane. Not as pretty. Not as good. Or better. Or better.

I was once halfway to Florida, problem flew all the way back to L.A., and they had a much bigger, faster plane waiting for me. That's the advantage of her not having your plane. As most of you people listening, no. If it's one thing I tell the young comedians, relate to your audience, do things they can relate to, for God's sakes.

Go out there and do the first half hour about your private jet. But it's true. Too many crypto assholes chasing too many jets. And too many, the number of times there was like, oh, there's a problem

just increased. I don't know why that is. I don't know if the jets got worse or maybe it was just people who were stoned who were working in this industry. I don't know, but it just was, I never had a good feeling even about the private.

at jet. Like, is there going to be some problem today? Right. And that... So you're afraid to fly? I'm not afraid to fly. For years. I'm not afraid. I'm afraid of getting there late because they're going to come back and say, we're having a problem. The computer isn't talking to... How many Fridays do you do in time? How many Fridays out of the year? 36? All right. So you have... All year.

You say, okay, it's all year. So you have the other, like, you have 10 Fridays where you're not. Okay. Where I may not want to work at all. Yeah. Mostly, I was flying out Saturday morning after taping real-time on Friday. Honestly, Byron— But you can do concerts on Mondays and Tuesdays. People would come see it. I can't. I'm working here.

Oh, because you're getting your monologue. I'm doing everything. This show takes all week to put together. Right. But honestly, it's been a year and a half since I've been there. And it does—it's—when I think of it now, it's like, how did I ever do it? How'd you put your material together? Because you didn't hit the comedy.

clubs. How did you put your hour and a half together? Interesting point that's come up before. At a certain point, I didn't understand why anyone else needed to. Like, if you've been doing stand-up for 30 years, you don't know what will work? I don't know. I know. I know. Right. I'm not saying I'm Superman. Just saying, I didn't have to go to the clubs. Right. And I wasn't wrong. Right. And if occasionally something didn't get to. quite the laugh I thought it would. I don't remember anything just completely dying. That's right. I remember jokes trying out. Of course, that's the process where it was like, yeah, it worked. No one was embarrassed, but I can beat it, so I'm getting rid of it in the act.

But, you know, every time I did something for the first time, it got something. Got it. You know, it just, I just, I can just tell. And you can keep track of 90 minutes of material without working the clubs? I loved the process there, too. I'm a process. person. I always took on stage and had a music stand and I had my bullet points. And so I did not have to memorize my act. And I would then have those bullet points in the computer. I'd get home. I'd edit it. So every show is an updated version of what worked, you know, as opposed to in the old days when I was writing on a yellow legal pad. This was like awesome. I could just do it in the computer. And now next time I'm on the road, I have the act

right up to date and also don't have to memorize it because it's going to be up there with me. And I get great pleasure out of the fact that I moved this joke, two jokes earlier and it worked so much better. Yes. All that little tinkering shit. Yes.

That nerdy shit. That's what I loved it. Yes. Yes. Yeah. So you can go, you could play spots and do theaters in L.A. San Diego.

I could start skiing. I don't want to. Yeah. I mean, I loved it and I miss it a lot sometimes, but not as much because I have a monologue I do every week on real time. That scratches that itch. And it's even better in a way because it's a different animal than doing stand-up, which is much more passionate, shall we say, because it's your act about evergreen things. And the monologue is just what happened that week. But it's still fun to tell jokes, and it's very much fun, as you well know, to tell jokes you've never told before.

Yes. And see if you can, like, do it. It's a test. Can I do this joke I've never told before and still fucking nail it? Right. Can you find humor in this? Well, not just find humor, but nail it like in performance and how it should be done. And, you know, mostly, but not always, because it's the first time.

Yeah, it's great. It's great. Once you're a comedian, you always a comedian. See, you nailed it. You are scratching that itch because you're doing the monologue on your show. Yeah. If you didn't have the monologue on your show, then you probably... No, you'd have to get back out on the road.

There is not a time I am standing right backstage before the show starts when I don't think to myself, enjoy this because this is kind of what you live for. It's to be able to walk out here every week and they're all ready for you. And you've got all, you know, you've got all these great jokes from my great writers. And, you know, you put them just the way you want them now. so you made it into a thing, and now you get to deliver this, and people will take it as a gift you're giving,

and they'll like you for your gift you gave them of this monologue. Like, that's not going to be there in my life forever, unless I die, like, the day after my last show, which is possible. Andy Rooney did it. Andy Rooney literally, like, died, like a week after he was doing 60 minutes. Is that right?

Yeah. Okay. And I'm no Andy Rooney. So I'll probably be living every. But each time I go out, I do think that. I do think, wow, this is as much fun as you're going to have with your pants on ever. That's right. So enjoy it.

And I know it. At one point, it's going to be the last one. So enjoy this one, too. And you don't know when the last one is. And you just, you have to enjoy it. And you don't. You have to enjoy it. But, you know, so, all right.

So you said something earlier that's really intriguing. like you like Johnny and the girls and the girls would notice you in the whole nine yards. So you become rich and famous. When you were talking earlier, you're talking about, you know, you know, the girls like you. Comedy, what's cooler than this, you got the attention of the young ladies? Well, I mean, if you're really into that, you'd be a musician. But you don't have any musical talent. Yeah, exactly.

So it's not really up to you. Yeah, I have zero musical talent. But, you know, I mean, comedy is just not in the same ballpark as music. That's exactly right. And that's fine. It probably saved us from some shit too. A lot. We would have gotten laid more, but we did fine.

And not survived as long. And we didn't have to like snort a column of ants or something. You know, we just. And also I think it weeded out women of a certain, shall we say, passive IQ level. Like comedy, I kind of have to have a brain to appreciate it. Right. You know. Right.

So you've had a great life. Is there anything else you want to do? Well, it's not talk about it like it's over. It's not over. You've had a great life so far. When you think about, when you think about the fact that you start. I'm having one. You're having a great one.

But listen, you've been doing what you love since you're what, 22, 23? Well, I surely didn't love it then. It sucked. What age did you start? Then, and it was horrible. I mean, you know those early years. Yeah. Yeah.

But I mean, you, but think about it. You started at 22, 23 years old what you wanted to do. Yeah, oh, no, I mean, all my dreams came true. I don't want to have to sound like Elvis when he made the, all my dreams came true. Yeah, they did. And, but it didn't work out for you, dead at 42. I'm still here at 70.

My dreams did come true. I mean, along the way, you know, both me fucked up and life fucked up. Sometimes something could have worked out better. But in general, it's like I would not, I've said this before, I would hope there is no such thing as reincarnation because I don't think I would pick a better life. You know, I don't think I'm going to get, if I'm reincarnated, whatever I come back on as,

I don't think it'd be better than this one. It could be. I could come back as Rod Stewart or something. But the odds of it. being better. Slim. You know what that means? You're very happy.

Yes. Again, you know, our generation, first of all, just accepts a much lower level of happiness. We don't have a sense of entitlement like it came about in later generations. So what's the story? I'm just curious. And we've known each other a long time. I mean, you're completely off the possibility of marriage?

Well, at 70, I think that's silly. Yeah? I mean, why would you get married except to have kids, and you wouldn't have kids at 70? I mean, not that people haven't done it, but it's a crazy thing to do. It's a crazy thing to do. I love being this age because it's a built-in excuse for being what I wanted an excuse for for all my life. What's that? I can't get that serious, and I won't have children.

All right, I've got to go back to work. All right, man. Great hanging with you. With so much fun. Congratulations on being Byron Allen. And you? You somehow came out on top. You as well.

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