Club Random with Bill Maher - Dana Carvey and David Spade | Club Random with Bill Maher

Episode Date: January 19, 2026

Bill Maher sits down with Dana Carvey and David Spade – together – for what feels less like an interview and more like eavesdropping on two flies on the wall… plus Bill. The longtime friends riff on Saturday Night Live war stories, the brutal math of stand-up (bombs, hecklers, benefit shows), and the slightly unhinged psychology of chasing laughs for a living. The conversation zigzags through classic films, old Hollywood, celebrity politics, and the strange new podcast economy. Funny, profane, nostalgic, and sneakily thoughtful – it’s three comedy legends talking shop after hours, with no one trying to win the room. Support our Advertisers: -Make hiring a little merrier! Try ZipRecruiter for free at https://www.ziprecruiter.com/random  -Head to https://www.NakedWines.com/RANDOM, click ‘Enter Voucher’ and put in my code RANDOM for both the code AND password for 6 bottles of wine for JUST $39.99 with shipping included -Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/CLUBRANDOM and use code CLUBRANDOM and get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup! Subscribe to the Club Random YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.youtube.com/c/clubrandompodcast?sub_confirmation=1⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Watch episodes ad-free – subscribe to Bill Maher’s Substack: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://billmaher.substack.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you listen: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://bit.ly/ClubRandom⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Buy Club Random Merch: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://clubrandom.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices ABOUT CLUB RANDOM Bill Maher rewrites the rules of podcasting the way he did in television in this series of one on one, hour long conversations with a wide variety of unexpected guests in the undisclosed location called Club Random. There’s a whole big world out there that isn’t about politics and Bill and his guests—from Bill Burr and Jerry Seinfeld to Jordan Peterson, Quentin Tarantino and Neil DeGrasse Tyson—talk about all of it.  For advertising opportunities please email: [e-mail] ABOUT BILL MAHER Bill Maher was the host of “Politically Incorrect” (Comedy Central, ABC) from 1993-2002, and for the last fourteen years on HBO’s “Real Time,” Maher’s combination of unflinching honesty and big laughs have garnered him 40 Emmy nominations. Maher won his first Emmy in 2014 as executive producer for the HBO series, “VICE.” In October of 2008, this same combination was on display in Maher’s uproarious and unprecedented swipe at organized religion, “Religulous.” Maher has written five bestsellers: “True Story,” “Does Anybody Have a Problem with That? Politically Incorrect’s Greatest Hits,” “When You Ride Alone, You Ride with Bin Laden,” “New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer,” and most recently, “The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody But Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass.” FOLLOW CLUB RANDOM https://www.clubrandom.com https://www.facebook.com/Club-Random-101776489118185 https://twitter.com/clubrandom_ https://www.instagram.com/clubrandompodcast https://www.tiktok.com/@clubrandompodcast FOLLOW BILL MAHER https://www.billmaher.com https://twitter.com/billmaher https://www.instagram.com/billmaher Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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It's a lot like a coach saying you get hurt, this guy's going to go in for you, and you might not get your job back. But you wouldn't say it was purposely cruel. Bill comes in a little later, you're kind of wait. Oh, hello. What? Hey.

This is going to be. The party started. You look nice. Is everything wrong? What's going to? Well, I'm going to need more Kleenex than this. I'm going to need more. All right.

Thanks, Billy, you know. Here you are with kind of the perennial senior motif, all right? You got like the Troy Donnie's man to care. Is he what I mean? I know. I'm going to need more. I know. After a while, the walls.

kind of closing and the shot classes looked like urine depositories circa in 1957 with the huge cat. Dave, how many people, the young people watching this have any idea who he's imitating? Dennis Miller, I know. It's harder when he does

like Vincent Price and stuff like that. It's so depressing what people like under 30... Well, they miss out on Dennis Miller who was... Well, Dennis, in a certain demographic. Or us? Us, yeah. Wait a minute, what do you mean?

No, but, you know, Henry Fonda, nobody wants him. Henry Fonda is out of the business now. Nobody wants Henry Fonda. The Gervitz told me. I know people who don't know Jane Fonda. Yeah. Kids don't know anything. I know.

I talked to a girl and there was a Led Zeppelin song. I go, do you know this? And she goes, I go, Led Zeppelin. She goes, I know him if I saw him. And I go, well, that's actually a whole band. And she goes, dude, I don't know who Ruin 5 is. I'm young and year old. Is there a problem?

You were one of the few people I can talk about, about young. No, no, those days are over. Really? I'm old, yeah. That's me and Dana. Oh, thank you. I'm a certain.

I thought you sent one in. You saw that, right? I did. I didn't want to say anything. Is that a standard protocol? Yeah. That's my Kleenex girl. Yeah, I know.

Oh, my God. She just does Kleenex. You had Woody Allen here. That one pulled me away. Fuck. Yes. Fucking A man. Thank you.

I loved doing that. That was he... Well... Well, we... There's moments where it's... Be careful about meeting your idols syndrome. Okay. But he's still Woody Allen,

and, you know, there were things that I didn't love, but he's not a child molester. Look, you throw out his best decade, his worst decade. I read his book, and I watched the documentary. The book is amazing. The book is extraordinary, because you're hearing it all in his voice. I wanted him to be here the way he was, say the things he said in the book.

And sometimes he didn't, which is like, you know, he just really, I think he's 90. And some of it was just like, you know, I mean, I defended him vociferously about that with nothing for me in it. No. Including going against my own network, which put out a documentary, which I criticized. Yeah. Would any day criticize it because it only presented one? one side. The Mia Farrow obviously. Yeah. It was called Alan v. Farrow, but

it was really Mia's story. It was called he's guilty. No, Mia's, he's guilty. That's what they're saying, yeah, he's guilty. But he's not. But that's kind of what that tilt was. There's being a child molester which is evil and then there's being accused of being a

child molester, which is its own kind of incident because what if you're not and you're tainted forever? We'll be right back with Bill Maher. Serious talk. Don't forget to hate us in the comments. Hate us early and often. But you would concede that there's a big

difference between an actual child molester and me and David's pain. Why am I? Why are you? Because I got looped in last time. You're the only one. I can talk to and I see your... You could talk to me. I have no judgment at all of you guys dating

women or younger women. As long as long as of age, what's my business? We'll be right back. No. We're not. We're not saying you, but we certainly have gotten... Society. Have we not gotten shit about Peter Pan

complex and... Sure. Okay. Yeah, I... Well, you do have a Peter Pan conference. No, we don't. Is this on? The funny thing is if someone says... Test, test. And this always is the same loopy conversation, but if someone says,

okay, some guy dated a 27-year-old and he was older, and they go, he's married. I mean, you know, pull that shit when you're single. You're married. If you're single, hey, do whatever you want. then you're single and you do whatever you want and they go we don't like that either can i make an observation because i like to no this is not the forum for that no no aliens it's random biochemistry is interesting genetic predispositions are interesting yeah for some reason my

as i've gotten older my brains evolved into being attracted to older women um and if you don't have that brain chemistry because we all want the Playboy Bunny in high school, right? And I just moved on, that's all. You're sick. Yeah, you're sick of fuck. You're not alone. These guys are.

He's just basically saying what you are is lucky. Uh-huh. Lucky. I do find older women really, my wife is very, very attractive. That is a, that is, that is, it's not. That is, I'm sure you're being honest.

No. And it's just something that, is rare. Let's just be honest about the facts of it. It's rare. It's more what's going on in our brains, and I'm always going to rope you in. God, I've had, immediately roped in. I mean, come on, you were born of the reputation. Well, it kind of slowed down. Also, I will say, in my defense, I also didn't want to lead with it. I didn't like anyone knowing that. Pete Davidson is, he's got the new SNL. They would say, oh, he kind of like what's stayed. But I think he was so outward with it. I wanted to warn him and say, don't do that. because then no one talks about the comedy, you know. They got to say what your job is.

They can't just say, oh, you date this person. That's the danger. I will say when I go to club, do you ever see this? Forget the comedy clubs, so let's say. There was a famous actor that was a homosexual gay guy, right? And you would know him. Why did you need a double homosexual gay guy? I was trying to make sure everyone I know him.

Can he just be gay? You know him well. And so it's Mark Gervitz? all three of our manager. So this guy met, and conveniently, he was probably around 60-something. He had his nephew with him at all times. So, and I go, by the third time, I'm like, this guy's got so many 15-year-old nephews. But in that situation, no one says a fucking word.

You know what I mean? And everyone knew what was going on but me. And sometimes there's a twink situation where it's kind of baked in where you go, Oh, that's just how that situation is. And you go, well, that's worse. There's a difference between girls just want to have fun. Yeah. And this girl is a woman now.

And it's about like from 18 to, I would say 21, 22, they just want to have fun, experimental, doing very stupid things just like men. Very soon after that, it changes. By the time usually they're 25, they're maybe thinking about settling down or at least finding somebody real. Okay.

that men, we can go into our, as we did, 50s. Right? And we're basically still living the life we were when we were in our 20s. Yeah, I mean, I also think there's married guys that are just, it's more normal to be a married guy cheating with a younger girl. They're the worst.

And they go, well, that's what happens. But if you're still single and haven't been married, I don't think you've been married. And so that's a little bit of a stigma. Nor have you, right? Yeah, so that's a little bit of a stigma where people get some free shots. It's like never been married.

I'm like, I would be more normal if I was married and divorced. And then to be like, well, at least you did it. Well, that's why they have the expression, confirmed bachelor. And I would say, you two are confirmed. Doesn't that mean something else? Does it be, does it have another meaning? I know Paul Lynn was a confirmed bachelor. Who?

Paul Lynn? Oh, you mean, oh, Lynn. Oh, that was cover for that? I think that's the cover, yeah. Right. Well, let me tell you, if they didn't know Dennis Miller, they're not going to know Paul. Yeah, I listen. Our references are fucked.

You know what? I do this for the young people. I'm never going to get the ones who don't care about, like a million things that I care about, which is probably 90% of them. But 10% are always very smart, and they're like probably we were when we were at that age, which is we were more interested in something we didn't know.

Like if Johnny Carson was talking about something or some guy, he was, you know, Jack Benny. I was like, who's Jack Benny? I wanted to know. Yeah, yeah. There are still those kids, and that's, That's who Uncle Bill is here for. Well, we are demographic grew up on old comedians from radio.

Jack Benny, I would see. George Burns on The Tonight Show. But when I was a kid, I thought both of them were corny. Whoa. I didn't find them. Well, which are the ones you found? They were old. It was like Avon Costello.

I never saw him on television, but I thought Abin Costello meets Frankenstein when I'm 10 were really funny. You never saw Abin Gestolo on television? They were on. No, did I misspeak? when I saw them on television the movie replaying on television. But their show was on too.

Oh, then they had that in the fifties. The ones where they come out in front of a curtain in the beginning. That is so charming, you know, and they would do and then there was a film section, you know, which was more like a sitcom, but they themselves would come out first. And the Colgate Comedy Hour.

And they would do a little monologue. I was more, and I'm too young for that, but I was too, to be young. I was, Griffin. Mervie is your guy. I caught the tail end of Merv Griffin. I was too young. When I started thinking standups...

A lot of people did. Confirmed bachelor. I didn't know he was a confirmed bachelor, wasn't he? Merv Griffin? I'm young. Not when I was seven. The greatest tombstone ever. He's out there and...

Forrest's a whole career. I will not be right back. That's his thing. Oh, really? Yeah, I will not be right back. Wow. Isn't that great? Are you that real?

Yeah. That's not a... No, he was just a delightful man. And look, I don't know what the public thing is. He's fine. It's not, I don't think it's a big secret, Merv Griffin. Right. But he couldn't have been more delightful.

I remember doing the show when I first started. Did you ever do it in? Oh, you did stand up on it? No, I was in the audience once. With Arthur Treacher as a sidekick? Arthur Treacher, who had a string of at one point fast food fish and chip places. I worked at it in Ithaca, New York when I was in Cornell. Huh.

Yes, I threw pieces of fish batterer. Hey, I'm doing a book on boring stories. Can I use that? You know what? I'm just going to call it. Let's start. And our guest is Gilmar. We're at club random. We got to start. We got to start.

So anyway. No, I don't hear something funny that is totally out of nowhere. What? I heard something, I just want to change the subject because this is kind of funny. I wanted to ask about this if you thought it was funny. Let's do it. It's a sports story that O'Dell Beckham, you know, O'Dell Beckham Jr., he was kind of whining that he goes, people think it's a lot of money and you're set for life if you have a five-year, $100 million deal.

And everyone kind of went, I would think most people would think that would be fine. And he said, first of all, you take $40 million away for taxes. Everyone starts going, now we're getting nervous. were trying to live on 60. Lawyer agent manager. Yeah, but then I kind of was like, I still don't get it because 60 million over five years and he kept trying to talk everyone into saying,

you can't live on this. I'm like, well, I think most of the world could. Define living. Yeah, and he goes, first you've got to buy your mom's house and you buy yourself a house. Well, then you could grab enough. But where is that? If it's in most of the world, a million dollars.

Did you buy anyone houses in your lifetime? They'll just. Here, the ones who's around you. Parents, relatives, sister, friends. Yeah. Yeah, sure, something like that. Yeah. Or other kinds of friends.

I want to do something next year about celebrities, not to get too political, but they just make it worse. Your whole career, what do you thought about? No, I mean, with you guys. Yeah. They just make it worse, celebrities do, when they speak. And they're almost always on one side of the political divide. Yes. And that's basically the side I vote for.

You know, as I always say to my woke friends, we voted for the same person. You're just why she lost. I could gather, and I think I will, because it'll be funny, just the incredibly stupid things that celebrities say about politics or finance or something. And then so if you're like the person out there going, well, how can you live on $100 million a year?

Vote, Kamala. It's like, yeah. That's the game over. People are like, yeah, I can't let the country in the hands of these people. I'll vote for this guy who's crazy, but at least this kind of crazy. I can almost relate to him more. You can't have movie stars and apologies that we know have hundreds of millions of dollars lecturing you. It's just the elitist thing that came out of all that, you know, the Democrats.

It wasn't a positive thing. They're not going to do that in 2028. I'll bet they'll have regular people. He's so thoughtful. He's very smart about this stuff. Yeah, he really is. I have a lot of opinions, but I have a job. You should do the show then.

My show, my other show, my real show. I did it, but I didn't say it till the end. But like you could, Robin Williams did it a bunch of times. Oh, very crazy. Ferdini had a wet dream. Oh, Mr. Happy. Oh, Jackie Gleeson, the ghost of Jackie. Paul Newman, Tiny man, tiny penis.

Oh, her. Sorry, I love Robin, you know. Oh, that's very good, Bill. But he... He's very good, very good, very soft. Oh, it's fantastic. He really thread the needle, I thought, so well, and Martin Short also, between, like, be, you know,

he could be serious like you can, one minute, and then be this, you know, crazy clown. This fucking clown. Right? Yeah, it's... Because the truth is you are both those people. Yeah, no, I read a lot of stuff. I have a lot of opinions.

I'm fascinated by the political situation, and I'm fascinated with how quickly society is changing out with AI and the ramifications of that and that the Fed lowered the interest rate again today by a quarter point. Well, you guys both have all your hair, huh? I'm not as fascinated about that. Well, the rest is in the call. Yeah, no, the hair is looking good today. Really good.

We all have similar. Well, you... Not as much. It made me think of it because I was like when you did Biden, what did they put a ball? Well, they had a bald cap and then a white, or, you know, his color, yeah. But how do they get all that hair under a bald cap? They just slick it down so hard and tie it up, you know. Let me do my Biden poem.

I did it on your show, but just the bottom. Can we push it? The non-sequitreiber Biden. This was the guy that was running the country. Guess what? And by the way, the fact of the matter is, I'm being serious here. Come on. Get your facts straight, Jack.

Okay, that's it. And scene. It's almost like haiku. It really is. No, he literally said, guess what? I know. And by the way, the fact the matter is. But the rhythm of it.

The rhythm of it. That's what your comedy detector is so amazing at. You find those rhythms. I love it. That keys me into it. Whoever it is, you find a rhythm to it, a musicality. I have one thing I can say is Billy Bob Thornton from Landman. man.

I love land. Later, you can, lady, you can either sit on my deck or suck my dick, but you got to make up your fucking mind. Yeah. Do you watch that show? All time.

I love that show. Well, Billy Bob Thornton's rants or speeches are just gold. You know, I mean, Taylor Sheridan and I guess writes him for him, but Billy Bob Thornton. I mean, I see his name on every show. Like, he can't possibly write that much.

How does he write all these shows? But yet, I must say that his dialogue is so good. I mean, sometimes I'll be watching, like, a major movie, like, that just came out and finally, finally, like three weeks after it was in the theaters. Now it's on my TV. Sure.

And I'm watching it, and I'm watching a half hour, but I'm like, okay, it's all right. I know this was a big, it's going to go to the Oscars. And then I'll watch Landman. I'm like, this is better. This is better than, like, I know I know I'm supposed to like the other thing more, but it's actually not as good. Well, you want to, at this point,

you just want to be... Well, Landman should send me a fucking blood job for me. Landman does get a lot of praise. Bill fucking Marr said we got the best show on fucking television. I didn't exactly say that, but... No, I like it. I'm entertained. I just go by that. Like, is it calming my brain down?

Can I just get everything out of the way? Lately, my wife and I, just out of desperation, went for the classics. All the President's men. Who? Way more fucking brilliant than I'm. I remembered. I thought you were fucking all the time.

Just a little bit TMI there, Bill. You know, some people make whoopee at an advanced stage. They can make whoopee at an advanced stage. Doc say that it's safe as long as the ticker is cooperative in that sense. Anyway, Bill Maher's here, my guest. And, you know, he's a very popular stand-up. He plays the Sir laughs a lot in Modesto, headlining. Roooster T feathers.

Oh, you are on tour. I'm on tour. Look at that. You made me remember for once in my life on this show to do the right plugs. Where are you going to be, Dave? I think of the second day now. Where's number one?

Yeah, I think you're right there. Shumley's Choccohutch, Uncle Fuckers. No. Rooster T. Feathers. You remember that one? I'm not playing there. It'll just be a regular theater tour. Yeah, like what city?

David Spade.com, Salt Lake. Salt Lake. The Mormons are wild, right? Yeah. That reality show took over TV, but I don't know if it's real. More Mormon women going crazy. I heard about it. I never saw it.

Is it good? I saw eight seconds of it. Then I put on land men. But what's, and for real, what's the funniest name of a comedy club you've played, a real name? There's gut busters, there's rib-tick. Oh, rib tickler in Minneapolis.

That's real. Yeah. Catch a rising star. Why? Because it's just such a... We're used to it because we played it. But it's a cool name. Or is it... I just think we got used to it

at a catcher rising star. You were hearing it for the first time? Yeah. I feel like I'd be offended. It'd be like an Ed McMahon reality show, kind of a competition show. Well, I mean, I guess you sometimes did Catch a rising star there. That is true.

You were there. I was there. You're a star. Yeah, my S&L audition, I think, was a catch. Oh, but you weren't in New York? No, they... You went there to? Yeah, they saw me on Young Comedian Special, and we went out, me Schneider and Tom Kenny. It's the

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enjoy your own with Corona Serro, 0% alcohol and a source of vitamin D. Corona Serro, the official non-alcoholic beer of Milano Cortina 2026. I saw something list that was looking, going through, and it was like, oh, this is a David Spade special. It's like, oh, good, I taped it, and DVR to it. And it was like you from like 2008 or something.

something you're at the Oh, Tempe Impro? Tempe Impro. Oh, that one, that was funny. But it was so funny. Yeah. And like stuff that was dated was like, well, it has this extra sort of historical dimension.

I don't mind that, you know, we're not talking about scrubs anymore. Yeah, yeah. You're right, you're right, but it's still you see. I still watch that. It's not like my brain can't like process that and go, yeah, he doesn't look like that anymore either. Right, but sometimes you stumble, like sometimes I see old bits I did and I thought they really good. I was proud of them. Something weren't as good, but

you still see ones, and I don't love that stand-up is so, like, do a special, throw an hour away, do a special, I don't think you do that. You're not out as much, but... I quit. I quit. I just got a Golden Globe nomination for the one I did. Oh, really? That's my... Yeah.

Yesterday. How often do you get nominated for your specials? I used to get nominated for everything, and then the wokeness came in, and then I was considered conservative, which... Are you bad? Ridiculous.

So they, I was, what I call soft canceled. Yeah. Where, you know, you know. Well, I'm a Bill Clinton liberal, which is from the 90s, which is now called a Nazi. Exactly. Right. You're a white supremacist. So this is the first time in a while I've been nominated for something.

Okay. Which I think shows a little bit that we are coming out of the wokeness. I mean, I'm not going to, I'm not going to win it. I'm probably not even going to go. But I take it as a victory that they were not able to. ignore how good that special was. I just say it's my last one. I'm going to say, I'm not going to lie.

It's just a really good special. But, you know, it's not one that the woke can watch and not throw up because I call their shit out where it's, and the fact that people are laughing shows that it's funny. When you do stupid things, it's funny. And the left did a lot more stupid things in the last five to ten years. And I'm a comedian. I go where the gold is. And it's hitting the side of a barn to make fun.

of some of this show. Sure, it's seriously. I mean, if you think, you know, I mean, I quoted like very esteemed publications like the Atlantic or saying things like, you know, separating sports by sex doesn't make sense. Well, if that's not a kind, of course you do, if you can't, if anybody can't do five minutes on that. Yeah. Or Mr. Beast who was helping disabled people and the Washington Post guy was tweeting like, oh, he thinks disability is something that needs to be solved. Exactly. You're laughing at the front.

Yeah, exactly. But they hate that. But the fact that they nominated this tells me, okay, I think we are coming out of the peak woke era. It is a little different. I can do a joke now with Obama going to preschools, or going to primary school and teaching kids lessons through nursery rhymes. What did that sound like?

Yeah. Jack and Jill, went up the hill. That's awesome. To fetch a pail of water. Jack, Jack looked at Jill, and Jill looked at Jack.

And Jill said, I'd like to be a Jack, too. So Jack and Jack came down the hill. So that's a double whammy of a trans... And I tell the audience, it was just too good, right? You mean that was something

that they found to be controversial? No, I just, I just started doing it, it gets a lot of laughs. It should. Yeah, it should. But it's not anti-trans. No. It's funny.

But you were worried that it was at one point? That it was going to be too... Sometimes you're in a really sort of certain kind of audience. People will go a little quiet on it. If you say trans, it's a little... It's a little... It sounds anti-trans. Yeah.

Okay, well, you know what I mean? My audience is trained, I guess, not to... Because I'm going to go there. You do have good crowds, by the way. Yeah, because they, you know, I mean, have been around... I'm fucking 70. Yeah. They've been around.

You've always had a show. You seem like always had a show. 33 years from when politically incorrect. Are you in the Guinness, like a world record? It should be. I think so. I think there have been shows that have been longer, I think Meet the Press. Oh, yeah, okay.

But, you know, not. Saturday Night Live. Not hard show. Saturday Night Live. 50. Yeah, Meet the Press is. I mean, that's amazing. Funny.

You guys should have done that show. You would have been. Which one? Meet the Press. No. No, Sinal? I audition. I'm sorry.

I'm a young person. I don't remember. What is that? That's a news show. You'll find that Bill is fair. He can be a little incendiary when he wants to, but he's basically like a really good guy. He's never hosted. Have you hosted?

Let's not get into that. Okay, no. Well, wait, I can make a call. I don't want him anymore, but I should have at one point. I think it'd be great for him now because you're out there and you're, you know, it's a hard show to host, I'll be honest. We were saying today that we weren't allowed to do commercials when we were on. Yeah, I only got one offer, but Dana got a bunch.

But they, and now I was looking at some people I follow on SNL. I don't only do commercials on TV, but their Instagram, like every other thing is a commercial, paid ad, paid ad, paid ad. Good for now. So they can rake it in from all sides now. I know. And it wasn't that way. SNL cast members.

Oh. Hans and Franz. We were Nike contacted SNL or us and saying Hans and Franz for Just Do It. We were going to do the first campaign. Wow. Yeah. Just do it. I got the copy and everything.

Yeah. Yeah, you lose it. And then we were told we just, it's not what we do here, you know. And now they have conehead oven mitts in the store, SNL store. But that was just that time, that era, 80s, 88. You're selling out.

So you could have made big bank up? Yes. Yes, my second year I got a Diet Pepsi Super Bowl commercial, and they wanted like, they go, oh, your mind is a Michael J. Fox. Like an untalented one? I go, great. So I said, I'll take it.

And then it was $250,000. I never say money, but for me, I was making probably $30,000 a year on us. But why are you so shy about giving your dates? Oh, my date, my standard of dates? Why are you like, why are you trying to keep it a secret? No, I just don't know them all. Where are you going? I'm going to, I mean, I thought it's on my website, but I would say I'm going to Dallas, San Antonio.

That's all I know. Really? No, I can't remember. Sacramento? I don't know. Yeah, Wisconsin. You're on the road, like, all of 26, right? No, the first half.

First half? What we're supposed to start? And do you go, like, from one city to the other without going home? No, I don't do that. Oh, I don't, I never, yeah. Did you do that? No. I do.

Just one, go out and back. It's weekends. I do three a weekend or two weekends. Second city, go home after the second city. That's hard to do. Why? Well, if you have a plane, it's not as bad. That's what I did.

Yeah, but what about climate change? Yeah, what about climate change? I'm not sure that I like we fuck him over I'm not sure adding one more play to the like what 8,000 flights a day how dare you

yeah where's Greta I mean bring her in the biggest airline in India alone has 2,000 flights a day so I don't know if me going to the chuckle hut in Sacramento no no human being

that can afford private jets does not fly them the only one is Greta Thumburg, I give her credit, but when she goes to places they don't like what she's doing, they put her on a plane, and she's very, but here's a fun fact for you. You might appreciate this. So during the Biden administration, they wanted to suppress the volume of cow herds with ranchers because cows contribute to global warming. So we have the lowest, we have the lowest herd that we've ever had. So now they're trying to get more cows. They're going to get cows. They're going to get cows.

They're going to get cows to a, well, have intercourse to make more cows. You can top that. You can top that. The fire we had here. Yeah, well, okay. Why are we getting applause for a fire? I just said fire and you both did a bit on fire. It's funny.

Can I make the point? Oh, Ringo Star, caveman, fire. Oh, you know. He's like how everybody reacts to fire. Dennis Miller, what would he say about fire? Christ, thanks, you know. I prefer like, you know, two diesel batteries in a flashlight, put in a pinch, I'll light up a brush or something and see my way through the estuary. Okay, Carvey.

I love Dennis. He is brilliant. What about the, we had fires now. Okay, so. Can you admit that Dennis Miller is brilliant? He is. Okay. He is a great, I always said state-of-the-art comedian.

He likes you, too. Yeah. But the milk fetch was a plant, like a weed, that, But they insisted that it was endangered, and it's one reason we had so much brush. And the fire, ironically, causes, like, I don't remember the number, but way more times pollution than, like, getting all the cars.

All the cars that we've made better since the beginning of this century, we lost all that progress with the air in that one fire. From the milk fast? And well, that's one, It's a contributing factor. What I'm saying is they went over. I'm an environmentalist too, but like by saving the milk veg,

they contributed to a fire that did far more environmental damage. Who knew at one point Trump was right in his own childlike way? About, yes, raking. Because he's touring and goes, we got to rake the leaves. You got to rake it. You got to rake it. You got to rake it like you wouldn't believe and you rake it and you keep raking it until you don't have to rake it.

but you can rake it and you know how to do it. And so, yeah, forest management, and it's a tragedy. The fires are such a mess here. The fires are putting them back together. I don't get into all that, but you just know it's just nothing is going smoothly. So we're older than you by how much? Ten? Well, how old are you?

60. Okay, yeah. We're 10. Okay. Yeah, and we're 70. Yeah, we are. Yeah. So, okay.

I'll drink that. That's why you can be, I was on the road at 60. just quit last year. No, 60 is too much tiring then? Steve and Martin's shorter on the road, and they're fucking all over the place. Yes. And they're strong in doing it. One caveat to that. Steve Martin said he couldn't do it

without Marty. And maybe Marty feels this. Right. Wait, Steve Martin gets to tune his banjo for 20 minutes. They really do, you know. Yeah, that's not why I quit, but... Because you couldn't tune a banjo? No. It wouldn't have helped to have a partner. It was I would still have to drag my ass out to... It's still a beating.

Even on a jet, though, I just went out with Adam, and we did a bunch of cities, and it's still, it's way better, but you're still at different time zone, different climate. First of all, you're still in hotels, even the nicest hotels. I'm sorry, but whoever raised the Gen Z millennials, they just, they, work ethic was not like the top of the, I'm just, I know that's a broad brush, but I can't help but notice that things changed a lot over the course of the time I've been on the road. I mean, the simple ability to get a message from one person who works there to another, not a complicated message. You know, just like put a fan in the room. Yeah. Just a little floor fan. Sometimes I can't get it as cold as I want.

Good luck. It helps. If you're not going to live in. Oh, absolutely. And these are five-star hotel. Absolutely, sir. It's in the room right now. You get, it's not there.

You know, like, you know, your assistant, and again, these are my $100 million problem. but at least I'm admitting that they're those kind of... A hundred, really? Well, I'm just saying that I could live easily on that kind of money. I don't know. But, you know, I don't have baby mamas. I don't have whatever this guy's got going on. Yeah, something's going on.

Yeah. Well, you know, I must say that this is O'Dell Beckham. Junior. Right? I mean, he... Not to be confused. Oh, senior. He's an even bigger assholes.

He's a bigger asshole. He can't get a guy without a billion. But, I mean, for a guy who is... had, I mean, he did have some very good years. I mean, I'm a New York giant fan. Some. You know, I mean, it's been you know, he was in the Super Bowl

for a minute and caught a pass, then he got hurt. Okay. I'm not saying he's not a great receiver. I don't think he's like the greatest of all time. Like, if Jerry Rice couldn't live on a hundred million dollars. Jerry Rice, yes. I'm a nine-ish. I was just going to say.

I played right into that. Bay Area. I know. Jerry Rice, Joe Montanel. And you still live there, right? I have a house there, but leasing it right now. Do you want to know more? I want to know where you live. I live north of Santa Barbara. I got this.

Inland. Yeah, inland. Me no like crime. What of the coordinates. Me no like a traffic. A guy will have me head on today. Move into L.A. I love crime.

But not the Bay Area anymore. No, but I go up there and I have friends there and stuff. who like younger women. It's interesting that you quit women and I quit the road. Yeah, okay. Make a joke out of that. No, I'm not, I'm just saying I just, you know,

but you may go back. Both are I have. If you don't have real time and you're just doing club random. Oh, no, I won't go back. I don't think. If you don't have club random, but you just do real time, you might go back.

Right. I mean, I already have these, I mean, it's... You're doing a show. I do have plenty. I do miss it. I miss it. Why do you miss it? Because there's nothing like standing on stage for 90 minutes

and making people laugh. If it works, it's so hard that you feel like you did something. Yeah, but as soon as you see someone in the first row, you're like, you're hurting them. Yeah. With laughter. You know, they're just like this. Yeah.

And you're like, oh, you know, you just got to... I know. Some of it's just probably ego. We love being loved. Who doesn't? It's also just, it's all ego. In the beginning, it's a puzzle and it's a problem and how do you get to killing? And because Robin Williams kept coming in and out.

He's doing work in Mindy. He'd come into San Francisco. You'd see him levitate the room. And I was always driven and competitive. I like, how do I, why do I do that? You know, and then when you're in a club and you're riding that wave and you're finally getting the idea of how to do this, and then you see people dabbing their eyes in the front row.

And it's a real rush. The small rooms are the best, I think, but you can crack the codes on getting jokes right and putting them together and making it work. That keeps me going because I still try to put new stuff together, try to look at it, transcribe it, go through it. I don't need that, that's fat, we don't need that. Those things are like little puzzles that keeps you alive.

I love that tinkering too. It keeps it fun, yeah. I mean, Jim Gaffigan and others record at clubs, can't wait to get in the room with the recorder, go over the jokes, really identify. Are you that mathematic about it? Where things could be better? I'm not that crazy about it.

And Jerry, of course. I used to say it's like my version of building a ship in a bottle. You know, there's people who build it. Like, that's what I do. And then as a gift, when I got off the road, my great friend, Mark, who traveled with me on every one of those trips, he put like a small version of my final set list inside a bottle. Oh, funny.

Is that a great gift or what? That's kind of a brilliant idea. Oh, man. Confirm, Bachelor? Because it's... I mean, God damn. How close a friend is this? I mean, we're not going to have.

He lives right over there. Over there, okay. In the connecting house. He just comes over for coffee. You know, next one thing leads to another. You know, you met him as my nephew. God, the nephews got young, too. What's the first bit that worked for you consistently in stand-up?

I'll tell you what it was, ready? I go into confession. Well, Mr. Cohen, yeah, that one. Well, I don't know it. Yeah, yeah. Half Jewish, half Catholic. I used to go into confession and the... Bring my lawyer with me.

I think, you know, Mr. Cohen, I would bring a lawyer together. Johnny Carson made me do it every time. Do that one I love that. The joke, you know, it's like, okay, I did it six times on this show, but okay, I'll do it again. The Jew and the Christian? Yeah. Can you do that for us again? One about the Jews was very.

Yeah, I mean, I did remember the first time, and I remember the date, the exact date, is that important in my life, when I did a full, like, 20-minute set, I guess it was a Saturday night with a cake crowd. Like, I'd catch probably. And, like, all the way through, 20 minutes, it looked like a professional comedy set

and got laughs consistently. Like, that was a big night for me. Like, wow. You just walk around New York after that? I mean, you know, when you're adrenalineized from that kind of dream coming true, can I do this? Can I make money doing this? I walked home that night to my sublet apartment on 99th Street, 99th. That sounds like in Spanish.

Spanish Harlem. Yeah. Oh. Yeah, uptown. You walked uptown. From the wonderful, from the Tony east side of New York where catch was on 78th Street up to Spanish Harlem. where I looked apparently so poor that even the criminals didn't bother me.

Did you cry yourself to sleep? No, but it was a shithole of a place to be in, but I was exultant that night. I was happier probably, as far as serotonin level that night in that shitbox than I could ever be here in my enormous mansion. Well, we're playing with house money at this point.

At that point, it's like, can I fucking do that? It's your first cocaine hit that and you're chasing. Exactly. It's your cocaine hit. Do we have cocaine here? I want to compare. There was cocaine here. You came late.

You never did that shit, did you? I did it a little bit, yeah. No. I burst into tears when I did cocaine. I like to say, I never bought it. Everyone's like, oh, so you just bogarded it all the time? Yeah, it's harder to get it for free if you had got. I never bought it for 10 years, and then I bought it for a couple of years.

Yeah, there you go. That's the story of cocaine. I did cocaine and drove to the Comedy Club, the Holy See Zoo in San Francisco. go and I teared up and I said they all hate me in there and just drove home yeah cocaine was like other way went the other way yeah yeah it can I turned into John Bonae I was like yeah da da da da da da da da da da I'm a Yankee doodle dandy John Bonae yeah remember her what was fucking all hyped up lots of talent old reference lost on younger viewers I can tell you I know but it's a reference

names of people who you would put on the end of a joke to make the point that they were all hyped up. I think John Boney Randi would be the first one that came from mind. Part Dennis, part Dennis, part Neeland and he's got it. By the way, when we saw, this story we started earlier. Okay.

We, when I got in the improv, Nealyn just got S&L and I really liked Neelan. I'd seen all you guys there on the old, chalkboard, you know? Yeah. And so I told Neal and just happened and I think I was emceeing in the hallway

and I said, oh, he got S&L and I said it and he goes, I heard you telling like John Mulroney and you were renting his place but you're kicked out and I said yeah and he goes, I'm going to go to S&L do you want to rent my room while I'm gone? And he lived with Dana and Bob Duback.

Beechwood Canyon. Remember Bob Dubboeck? Yeah, Beachwood Canyon. Remember that name? He's a good looking comic. He was the good-looking stand-up. Yeah. No one ever said funny. There was a few of it.

Yeah, that's the rudest thing with like, you aren't you like good-looking? Well, he was very great. A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. No, he's funny. Yeah. He was his good-looking.

He was, yeah. And so. Exceptionally handsome. And if he'll be seeing this. Bob. You'd start by hating. That asshole. And then you'd back.

He couldn't help it. He was like ridiculous. So I lived in Nien's room. Duback was in the other room. There's another guy, Joe, writer. And then Dana lived above the garage with Paula.

Yeah. And Dana was doing us now. Now Kevin's doing it. Everything okay? Well, we're deep into winter now, which means it's officially stay in, cancel plans, and pour something decent season. And if you're going to someone's house,

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I know. The powder comes out and to... Again, the way your mind leaps to... And jumps, yeah. Yeah, why would that be, sir? Okay. Well, you would do... You're busy, because I can't say those jokes.

There's a lot of other shoots. You know what? I'm a lifelong pot head, and potheads, it is true, when they sit down and talk to you. It's a whole culture of like... Tinkering. Like, it's... I smoke pot constantly. And we like it.

For one year, I smoked a lot of weed. Seventy-nine. Is this the orb they found in Brazil? And what happened? Oh yeah, you smoke weed? What happened? You cried again? I cried.

No, no, I loved it. I mean, in 78, this isn't funny, but my friend and I, we were seeing Neil Young at the boarding house. And he was doing, you know. Got a small venue? Yeah, 300-seater, and he was working out. Russ never sleeps. But we didn't know that. So he smoked weed.

We go in, he's got all the guitars and 12-string, and we thought he was playing to pre-te-time. tapes. It was so fucking magic. But a lot of Neil Young that year comes the time. But this is, after he was already big with Gourgmy Still's Nash and you. Yeah. So he was just dropping into like, like, work out this new album, which the first time. Just like us. Yeah. Music comedians don't do that. That's like what we do. Go to a small club to work out. Yeah, yeah. What do you do now? Do you go to the comedy store? Well, now, I don't do it anywhere now. I don't do anything. But for all those years, the whole, this whole century,

I never went. Once I was out of the improv, I was out of the improv. I never felt I needed to try out new stuff. You don't practice at all before you go on the road and do an hour? It's all those years that one reason I stopped and people said, you know,

well, you could do it, just do Vegas. No, I was always in shape because I was always doing it. Where were you doing this monologue in the show? Everywhere, just like him. I was on the road. Every other weekend. I was in Detroit and Chicago,

and then it was Memphis. So you're working. You'd rather take the night at all. I always had it. And I used to use that, you know, a music stand and have just my bullet point. I've seen that. So I was never fighting memory. I knew, you know, there's none of that, what's next?

What else? Not what else with me. That's me. No, I. That's me. What else is going on? What is it going? You know a comedian's dying when it's like, so what's up.

I'm going to tell you what else. And I'm not going to pause. I love that. I love it. I would work. I would take my shit home, those bullet points, and it was in my computer, and I would edit it as what happened that weekend. I loved that process. So I always had it, you know, like, Bing, Bing, Bing.

You don't do crowd work, do you? Yeah, sure, if somebody, you have to sometimes. If somebody gets involved, yeah. Well, they, I mean, they're not usually, people call it heckling. It's only heckling if it's hostile. Yeah. If they think they're helping or they're not supportive. And, of course, they're fucking up your timing because you're right at the end of it.

They wait for the punchline, yeah. They don't know they're doing that. Here's the evolution of stand-up put-downs to heckler. 80s or early 90s, I don't come to Jack in the Box and bother you when you're working. Boom, right? 2020, I don't come to your job and slump the dick out of your mouth. And that's the difference. Sorry, folks.

No, no. We did that in 1982. Oh, you did? Absolutely. You did that, too? I remember that when I was in the club starting, and that's the early 80s. I don't come down to where you work and knock the dick. out of your ass.

We weren't, like, afraid to say that in the 80s. Was this the 1880s? No. I was a Christian comic. I didn't get out much. Oh, no. I actually had a guy knocked the dick out of my mouth when I was working. And I was like, was he a media?

That was not Kevin Neeland. You've heard this story, but you're not. No, I miss the fuck out of it, but I don't miss the, oh, the Mishigas to get there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And to, even with the plane. That became a headache because all these crypto assholes are chasing too few planes. Jacked up the price. Unless you own it and I never wanted to own a plane.

That's too many headaches. Yeah, supply and demand. Everyone wants, everyone's rich and wants a private jet. Sometimes, you know, they, oh, I'm sorry, but the computer's saying this kid, well, how am I going to get to the gig? Yeah, that's a hard about it. You know, it just became stressful. and I feel like at our age, and as you're approaching that age, you know, stress, you can handle untowards amount of it when you're young.

When you're old, it's going to show. It's going to show on you. It's going to show inside you. You better ratchet that stress level down. Most people our age are just straight out retired. Yeah, I know a lot of retirees. Right. To me, that would be more stressful.

Right. I mean. Usually retarded? Retarded retirees, it's a thing, it's in time this week, it's a multiple. It's a huge article. It's a thing, retarded. You know, kids, Time magazine that you're reading? At the newsstand.

That is like three pages thick at a newsstand. Yeah. Magazines are like just five pages now. There's nobody, you know, but I get it. I will just want to get your opinion on the new GQ man of the year. Who is that? A gay man? Cynthia Arriva.

It was the man of the year? Are you serious? I think. You don't have a staff. They don't know anything. No, no, there's no one here but us. They don't do shit. Wait, is, is, no, I don't mean this in any.

No, no, you're already, you're in trouble. You're in trouble. But I don't know what, Cindy Arrivo. I don't know who she is, I'm sorry. Or is she from Wicked? Wicked, yes. Oh, wicked. Okay, got it.

Now, she's bald. Is she a trans person? You'd think in that scenario, but I don't think so. But she's man of the year? But she's a woman. If this isn't happening, let's cut this out. No, we're going live today. I saw this on a joke website.

It's got to be true. We're live. No, I saw it and I thought. No, I saw it somewhere. Now I'm backing off it. But I thought if you pick three things, I wouldn't pick that one. It doesn't matter. But someone wants to get attention.

All right. But here's what I believe is the salient comment on this whole thing, which is that in the world we live in now, it is not unreasonable to assume that they would do just that. Of course, that doesn't shock anymore. Even if they didn't do it, they're thinking about doing it. There's some people who would like them to do it, and they might do it, and they probably did do it.

Someone said it's too dumb, and they just did it. They just did it. That was all right. They got into Trump's register there. They're going to do it. I love that. He does that all the time when he's like, The rough voice. We will never, ever touch the East Wing,

and then we're knocking it down tomorrow to build a ballroom. Yeah. And then it goes right from like, but you said we would never to, well, I have a right to do it. You know, I will not come in your mouth. I promise I will not come in your mouth. Well, I have a right to do it. Many presidents have before me have done.

Obama came in your mouth six times. You didn't even notice. Oh, that's all right. And then it's a done deal. Yeah. It's funny because you're saying that. Woke stuff is funny in that side. Trump.

his own jokes on this side. And so you could make fun of both. I mean, it's so easy. But I could see people getting upset about this from many angles. Like, how dare you say she's a man? Yeah. Or...

That's what I said. How dare you? I was saying she's not a man. Yeah. Thank you. She identifies as a wicked man. She identifies as a wicked man. You see?

She played the witch and she's a man now. And they're doing it. Sorry. it's a minefield. But sometimes it's got to be, things are just funny. All right. What doesn't mean you hate it. What do you think about the takeover of...

Oh, here we go. What? Time one or discovery? Oh, the whole thing. What did you think I was going to say? No, I was just, me, I had... Was it Ukraine? I had one and a half a lot of lights.

You think about Ukraine. No, I just like to move it. What is your plan for the Don Bosz region? Just like this. What's the point, man? No, but it affects us. Yeah, Netflix, Warner's, Well, first.

Paramount, Ellison, that whole thing. Yes, that whole thing. Yeah, got it. As of this taping. As a press time. We'll be on at 11. This air is in July. Just what I read in Time magazine.

Yeah, which is freepage of wrong. I read a great article in Time magazine. No. What do we think about it? No, well, first, it was Netflix at the beginning of the week. They bought it. We bought Time Warner Discovery. That's who I work for it.

So I'm a little, you know, I have a voting interest. And HBO Max is its own thing. Okay. Got it. CNN. Okay. So then two days later, Paramount went not so fast. We're having a hostile bid.

We're going to go over the board. To the shareholders. To the shareholders, I guess. And so, you know, my friend at dinner, unless a Matthew Ziggily, he's such a smart guy. He said, you know, this David Ellison, who seems like a very nice guy and smart, and he bought, but, you know,

he said, you know, your father can buy you one company, Paramount, because he already got Paramount, but not too. You can't buy two studios. And that would be two studios. I checked Oracle today, so it's all about that. His dad's worth $500 billion, depending on Oracle's price, you know.

Oh, Oracle. That's, yes, that's the, He owns more than half the stock in that. Oh, yes. Oh, he's very, he lives in your town. Yeah, I mean, we're in Silicon Valley. Yeah. No, he lives in, or least, no.

Where's my town, Bill? San Francisco. Oh, well, Mill Valley. Where I... Okay, I was taken on a tour once of, like, one of the most beautiful neighborhoods I've ever seen. What is it? It's the very rich neighborhood of San Francisco.

Yeah. In the city. Yeah. The mansion. Pacific. Pacific Heights, maybe. Maybe Nancy Pelosi lives there too. Anyway, it's gorgeous.

Stunning over the bay. Yes, and it's like, I mean, you're in the city of San Francisco, but it looks more like Beverly Hills, big area. Trees, giant homes. And I saw this. This is what the driver told me, maybe it's not true, but Larry Ellison's house was here. Across the street was some guy

who he started the business with, he said, and thinks Larry Ellison screwed him. and there was on the front lawn a giant mechanical-looking statue. And when Larry Allison was home, the statue had the finger up like this, this giant metal sculpture with like 10 feet tall. Wow. I knew a guy worked on his woodside house where they built the house in a giant lagoon like a lake, and then you would visit, you'd pull up, and then you'd get on like a teaky raft.

And turkaneo, pap, pa, panana, you know, and he'd be. Maybe there were the flashlight bringing you in. Larry's house? Yeah. I heard the same thing. You heard the same thing? Oh, yes. So he had a lot of money.

On carbon he bought, carbon beach he bought, I think six houses. But not, I don't know if he lives in a while, but he just, Larry Elson bought. He kept buying carbon beach houses. That's Malibu, or is that? Malibu. Oh. Yeah. Somebody keeps buying like a big chunk of Hawaii.

Who is that? Oh, when New Zealand is another one. Oh, Bill Gates. Zuckerberg has an underground thing somewhere in one of those islands. Underground? Oh, yes, it's him. It's him. Yeah, Zuckoverry, yeah.

I know him pretty well. Zuck, Mike's property. No, you know. They all these rich guys, they have doomsday bunkers, which makes me nervous. They have planes at the ready. The billionaires have G7s at the ready.

If the shit it's the fan, they have underground bunkers built in New Zealand and then go get right to it to bring the nanny, the kids, everybody. If the world blows up and it's like the walking dead, Do we really want, I'd rather just kind of go with it. I don't want to be eating Dintymore beef stew

and you can't open the look. You're under there for two years going, you can't go to the grove, you can't do anything. Oh, no. It's Ditchie Moore. When you still exist, David, I doubt it. No, if there's a nuclear attack, I want to be at ground zero. Yeah.

I'm like the thing, it hit me right in the head. You're right. You do not want to be part of the cleanup committee. Yeah, because if you make it, what are you doing? Just our hair. I mean, we're hanging on pretty well. Yeah.

But with the radiation and the cancer. Your words, not mine. Now, according to your tweet on October 11th, you have a full head of hair. Is that your testimony? Is that what you believe in? Your words, not mine. You know what I'm doing, right?

Oh, no. Senator John Kennedy? I thought that was who it was. He does it too, David. Yeah, that's funny. Boy, that's, but, you know, a lot of people don't know Senator, did they hear? I know that's a problem.

I wanted to do him on S&O when I was out there doing Biden, but no one, they didn't know who it was. Yeah. He's just funny. He is a character. Yeah. First of all, he's got an unfortunate name

because if people hear that. And then it's like, that is the worst JFK impression. Is he? I don't even know if he's related. Is he related at all? No, it's a very common name. Kennedy?

John F. Kennedy. But yeah, it's John, Senator, John Kennedy. Yeah, so it is a little common. Don't make me look stupid on this show, Bill. You tell me after the show they're not related. I already know exactly how stupid you are, which is not at all. What are you guys talking about? Well, I mean, that's what I love about your stand-up.

You know, it's like, it's what? I like it. No. What do you love about this? It's similar to Jerry's. It's like it does not pander at all. And yet, you know, like the smartest person in the room, which would be me. Yeah.

Still loves. Still loves you. I love it. Thank you. You know, but you don't have to have a special kind of knowledge to get into it. You know? It's not over. And to me, that's more valuable than the kind that I do because I want to kind of get more away from what I do.

If I watch comedy, like I go to the comedy store sometimes now. It's fun. Yeah. It's fun to sit in the back of a comedy comedy comedy comedy. If you watch who's new and who's doing. good, it's like, oh, that works? Or doing bad. Yeah. It's still interesting. Sure. It's fascinating to see

someone deal with doing bad. And then remember that that was you. Sure. And I don't have to do that anymore. That's a really good feeling. I told Dana, the other night I went on at the La Factor, something, and it was a tough night. It was one of those rainy nights.

And I couldn't get it going, and it was like a boner. No, I couldn't get the set going because I don't know why. And I was like, God, I'm still, there's lights when you have trouble. I was trying a few things, but you pad in ones at work or whatever. And so I'm like, God, it's still funny. It keeps you on your toes to go.

You have a much thicker skin than I ever did. Oh. Oh, absolutely. I saw you do at Mark Herbert's benefit. Oh, yeah, those are tough. Okay, you're in the backyard. Yeah. The ocean is behind you.

Talk about a distraction. Yeah, and there's a sundown behind the worst. The worst thing a comic wants is, is a room with a high roof because the laughs, no roof? Yeah, the moon. The lap, comedy need the roof. The laughs go just into the evening.

And my richer than me manager's house. It's only funny if I talk about him on stage. You're at your mansion. Yeah, and it's a very sad cause. Oh, yeah, it's very sad. And you're following that. And you're following sadness. I know.

They bring up the saddest kid with the saddest situation, and they go, well, let's hope you lived at the bottom of stairs. And he goes, the comedy shenanigans. David, we're going to have some, comedy now. And I'm like, thank you. It's very fine. And it's all celebrities now. We were there recently and I saw you do it.

I was greatly admiring you and you still got the laughs and were really funny. But you said to me, are you going on? And I was like, are you kidding? Not if this kid got more of this tonight. I'm sorry. Yeah, yeah. I just can't. I think you said this isn't contagious. You're owning your truth. That's fine.

I have to. It's fine. I'm sorry. I saw that. I lived that life. I did gigs like that. Oh, yeah. But you still, you know, you don't care about, you said a rough night.

Like, I never had a rough night on the road because I only did places. We asked why we want, likes to do it. Because when you're selling hard ticket prices, it's people who already love you enough to pay to see you. So it's a very pleasant situation for us. Plus, you're someone they know in their city. They're happier there. Those are better. Very happy.

That night at Gervitz is, that's our stupid manager. We were in the back of the Palatial Mansion, and I see Zach Alfanax. He was, I go, he's got his notebook out. I go, are you going on tonight? And I go, and I say that he goes on it? He goes, yeah, I go, I did this last year. And he goes, how is it?

I go, it's a little dicey, but it kind of is what it is. And he goes, I got to do 20. And then he looks his notes. And he goes, are there fucking kids here? And I go, oh, the whole front row. And he goes, oh, shit. And he goes, that's that. that's out, and then he walks up and he goes,

you know, I was homeschooled. No, you know that joke, he says, so fucking bad. No, he says, when I went to school, I was called fat, stupid, queer bait, and I was homeschooled. And then, and then, and then, and then, that's a great joke. Yeah, and then he goes, and then he looks over

and goes like this. Like, because he wasn't in front of kids and then his first joke. Then he goes, I saw Michael J. Fox, at Shaky's. And he was pretty cool. And then, but he goes... He did that, you know?

Yeah, and it kind of worked because... But he was just saying shrugging his shoulders, like, I was going to say, because there's kids, but fuck it. Yeah, let's just do the jokes. It's a benefit. But, see, people in benefit mode, their mind is just in ultimate political correctness.

Yeah, sure. No matter what the charity is. That's where their mind is. Very politically correct. And we are the good people. and so like they're supposed to be offended like I just it's pointless to send me up

it's just going to be a bad time for both me and everybody out I'm going to have a bad time and they're going to have a bad time what is the point of that? You're going to ruin the night I'm going to ruin the night for both of us

so why but you know I admire you so much for doing that because I couldn't do that you could do it you could just be the wind up toy you are I think about me that I didn't realize until later is that I was a sketch player, but there was no groundlings up there,

and I went into clubs, you know? But Robin was a little bit of a sketch player, too. We're not wordsmiths like you guys. It's more rhythm and stuff. So the small clubs, I could do Al Pacino Scarface for 20 minutes or whatever, ride any wave of any character. But then in the big rooms, it's harder for me, you know,

to do those sketchy. I feel like impressions. I mean, I'm just an impression lover. Like, that's always the thing I love most on China Night Live. when they would do impressions, much more than like sketches. I love the- I'm a fan of a great impression that someone masters, you know. I love a take on it.

Any SNL sketch that takes place in a living room. With erotic people. I'm just, it's like, let me guess. And then like, you're just going to beat this premise to death. And then, you know, and then, you know, and then fucking bad bunny. That would... And, you know...

Well, yeah. But when they do, like, sometimes they would do, like, here are the auditions or the people who tried out for a role and all these... A joke machine. Such a great... Yeah, when he did...

But also the impression. I mean, they just are real... You know... And different styles. Like Bill Hater would do... Oh, he was great. The ketchup predator guy or whatever. But Keith Morrison or something.

He would just do his own way of doing things so funny and all of them will fail. Oh, and that character he did who would come on and give the reviews of the latest clubs. Oh, Stefan? Stefan. With the laughing thing. What a genius character. John Mullaney would write it and kind of surprise him with lines while he's doing live. Oh, really?

You go like that. Those two were quite a team, you know. I met Mullaney when he was not, he was just a writer, young kid. Was he host? It was either... He was just an S&L writer by the Iowa like 2010 or something

but it was Fred Armisen I don't know I do, I love sketch comedy but that was what I was really built to do not stand up. Boy, when Lauren Michaels wants to like make somebody a star like...

You can push him, yeah. It's a, it's a, it's, I mean look again, I have my issues but you cannot take away I mean 50 years and like not just the show but the pipeline to almost all of the movie comedy

that we saw over two generations. Yeah, but it's slowed down, but yeah. I know, but it is an incredible, the pipeline was just like dominated by, I mean, that does not happen often in show business. Lauren is enigmatic in a way, and extraordinary, but his resiliency, you know, when the show was having it really rough

and getting the shit kicked out of it, He would always have a glass of Chardonnay, you know. Life, a career is like a pendulum. He'd swing out. And years later, we'll swing back. I mean, he has Lauren. We used to do Lauren Wisdoms. Marriage is a prison that everyone's trying to escape into.

You know. Did he say that? That's great one. The minute you're hot, you can feel yourself being less hot. He's got tons of them, you know. But that's true. They sound like they're actually true. They're brilliant.

He has a brilliant observational mind. And he loves talent. He loves it. If he sees it, even if the person doesn't know they're talented, he'll foster it. Yeah, there's a lot of, I mean, I don't know. I was never there and don't know it firsthand. But the talk has always been about some sort of hunger games sort of atmosphere in the show that he purposely fostered. you know, I think a charitable viewing of that would be

to get the best. That's how you do it. Sure, it's like a coach. But other people would say it was cruel and human and, you know. It's a lot like a coach saying this guy, you get hurt, this guy's going to go in for you and you might not get your job back. Yeah. You know, they're on your ass like at practice saying,

get in there and do your best because we got 10 guys behind you. And we'll run down to Catch Rising Starring. But you wouldn't say it was purposely cruel. I don't think it's purposely cruel. partially, I mean, it could be, but... It sounds like we're a beerie tortie, yes. Yeah, I know. No, not at all.

He had said during all these documentaries that he had to be aloof, he could not. The energy of a cast member coming in and going, I'm not getting my sketches on, you know. It just, he had to keep this barrier because that would have exhausted him. Right. But, you know, if he's too, if he gives in too much,

you're just going to, it won't work. Everyone's giving him the same stuff. No one thinks they have enough time in the show. I'll tell you what a buzz is, though, and real high, because Lauren Michaels is Lauren Michaels and all the history and his aloofness, that when you would dismantle the room, levitate the room with a sketch,

and you're getting off the thing, maybe I'm doing the church lady, and, like, you know, it was big because there were very few compliments. Like Carson. It's like Carson. It's like, Carson, just the actual. That was, yeah. Funny, very, I'm very,

Yeah, and he wouldn't fawn over people, it was just like, there was good stuff. Yeah. No, you're not going to shit down. Get the fuck out of here. Ed, bring us to a commercial. No, the least little thing floats about, yeah. Did you ever see Saving Private Ryan? Many times. Really? It's my favorite movie. Well, I think it's historic. The first 20 minutes is, it feels like epic.

That happened. What? That's Spielberg's genius. I mean, he's... Okay, oh, like... But like at the end of the movie, yeah. Oh, where he says earn it. Well, that too.

But that was Tom Hanks. But no, I'm just talking about this kind of thing. Yeah. There's a moment. Now, the other troops resent Ryan because Tom Hanks is protecting him. He's not his mission. So they're like, you know, Ed Burns is great. He's like, Ryan, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm good too, Captain. Yeah, yeah. You know, and at the end, Ryan does something, you know, he's there and he's helping out. And Burns has given this little look, and it's just like, all you see on camera is, Yeah, after all that. And it's everything. It's like these are heartened battle-wary men. They're not going to be a, you did a fine job, sir.

It's just that little moment. And as an audience member, I mean, that to me is the genius of Spielberg. That's all he needs on camera, the minimalist. No. To move the heartstrings. Yeah, when the, and he used the framing of the searchers, where it's really light outside

and it's a dark hallway and the mother comes out and they're going to give the note about her son's dying. On the front porch? Yeah. In the way she collapses. She collapses.

It's so fucking brilliant. I have chills thinking about it. I think of that scene also because it's like if you were teaching a class it would be like this is a visual medium if you can say it visually

as opposed to dialogue do it that way. The ones that can do it that way. are great. And Herc just collapsing and the way she collapses, you don't need the dialogue. She sees the car, the army car pulling up. And she kind of knows halfway there. The dust coming from the car because it's a farm. Brilliant.

And she sees who gets out of the car, the chaplain. It's not good news. It's not, you have won the lottery. A giant check. David Spade is playing at the OK corralza. Sorry. But yeah, I love movies. I mean more than anything, I think. And the ones that I love, I watch many, many times. I watch a lot of old ones lately because I'm mentoring someone. Well, you've had Quentin on here.

Who doesn't know these movies? Once Upon a Time in California. I can say, my favorite. Once Upon a Time. Oh, I love that. In Hollywood. It's his best movie. Because it's a love story between two men, but still a love story. And other ones were all revenge. They were great movies. Yeah.

But they were revenge stories, and this one is a love story. What'd that guy say to you? Just face it, ma'am, I'm a goddamn loser. Don't cry in front of the Mexicans. Hey, I think things worse than having to go to Italy and make some Italian movies. Fucking out of town. How many are you seen?

One, two. Look, I haven't worked in a long time. I don't mind a house sitting when you're out of town. I just love the whole movie. I'm the same way. I can get that. A certain dialogue goes in my head. I remember your white little face.

You were on a horsey. Remember when he's on acid? You know what I love about that, and I told this to Quentin, is that, like, to me, that's a very Sinatra Dean Martin relationship. Yes. Because Sinatra, that's Leo DiCaprio. He is the star. But who's actually cooler? Brad Pitt, the guy who's just the stand.

Oh, totally. He's just, he's Dean Martin. He's so cool. He doesn't need to be number one. You know? Frank Sinatra was a mess of anxiety and like the hostility and he'd do very generous things

and he'd do some really fucked up thing like shoot up a town. But Dean was just like, everything's good. Everything's good, Pally. His ultimate, he's so fucking brilliant of that he inhabits it. Hey, remember one thing.

you're Rick fucking Dalton yeah you know I'm going in here and say hello to my friend this ain't gonna stop me you know I could quote the whole movie I mean Leo's great in it as that actor yeah who you know like scene in the trailer where he's like god damn it you know he's fucking

you're a fucking alcoholic I'm gonna fucking blow your head off and then he does this scene so great you're you're into it even as knowing it's not really a scene it's just a scene in a movie and the little girl says This is the best acting I've ever seen. The whole movie is a masterpiece. It's a masterpiece.

I've seen it at least 12 times, and I'm not kidding. Yeah. You watch your movie that many times? If I love it. I'm fascinated, because that's such a movie. There's so much in that movie. The first time you see it, you're kind of like, why are we in a western town for a half hour?

What's going on here? And then when you see what he's doing, and then you get into the minutia of, Gina, Gina, Gina, the woman in the mystic light, Or you go to Italy and you win fucking fights. And then every single line is poetry. Is that your son? No, that's my assistant.

Or a straight man, whatever. So then every single line is poetry. And then to the end, is that Rick Dalton when he goes to the driveway? And they do the big crane shot. It's also especially good for people of our age because we remember the error that it's making fun of. Copper tone. Screen gems.

Production, you know, like. And the guy, the star of the new ABC. Yeah, I know. It does get your... We're here on the set of the new ABC television show. And, you know, with his stuntman. And it's just... The FBI show I barely remember, but he was guesting on it.

And, of course, it's inside show business, so we understand it a little better. But it's universal. The bromance of... of him holding up Rick Dalton like, oh, that's a good move because they're watching his guest appearance. You guys are kind of like that. Thank you.

But which one of you guys were dancing around it for long enough? I see you as a Leonardo DiCaprio. No, I want to be the other guy. What? I want to be Brad Pitt. You don't want to be the lead? No, I want to be the cooler guy. Everyone wants to be Brad Pitt.

That is too cool. Yeah. No, because I see you as more full of anxiety. and I see you more as the Brad Pitt type. Thank you, Bill. I'll take that. No, no, I do. I mean, I'm just saying personality-wise.

Maybe I'm wrong. I mean, you guys know each other better. I mean, you do the show together, you have this history, you have sexual relations. All this stuff brings you much closer and it's a bonding. He's just stuck that in. Sexual relations. I like that.

I like that. I was trying to do a kneel in there. Yeah, I liked it. Subliminal. That was a great character. But, oh, yeah. Am I wrong about this? I think, I think I'm right.

We're combos. Both in right. Am I right? We're right. They're very different, but very alike. And if you look at it, you think about it. Many people have seen it. They have a podcast is in the top 30 every time.

Sometimes the top 20 at them. Did you see that there's a podcast category at the Globes? Oh, really? You know what someone said? I thought they're kidding. Oh. I would think you. Did we get nominated?

We're defending champions, you know. We won the comedy. They only nominated like the super woke stuff. I love it that we all did this thing. We haven't collapsed. Deflate. We were like the lady on the porch and saving private rights. Bartender, can I get another drink?

Fucking, fucking woke people. I'm fucking up there. I'm sorry. I'm going to wrap it. Yeah, I'm sure they're good shows. Whatever. It was glaring that Joe Rogan was not nominated. For Best Function?

Yeah, I mean, it is kind of popular. It is known. It is known. He's absolutely brilliant at what he says. And he's very good at what, exactly. So you're going to have an inaugural podcast category. And you don't have. It just speaks to living in the blue sky bubble.

But get out of your fucking bubble, you know. I want to be one of you. I am one of you. But you're just so hard to defend because you're just such so fucking smug assholes. And this town is the epicenter of the problem. It really is. How many more liberal Democrats are there?

There's you that say what you say. Not a lot. There's a guy in Des Moines who runs a shoe store. I got dinner with Andrew Schultz last night. I think he's one of them. I think he's a little more bro than me. You know? It's a little more on the bros side, but I think he's a very smart guy.

There's no solutions. There's only trade-offs when you're looking at government policy. That sounds like something Lauren Michaels wants to you. You'll find about Bill when you go into that second hour, he's fully in the bag. That's when you get the gold. You have to stay and the gold comes out. Bill, what's... How to get the second hour first.

Okay, top five movies. You have five seconds. Well, as I was, okay, saving Brian. Definitely the godfather, Godfather too. Okay. Good choices. Oh, God. And there's, I wish I could up the top of my head. No, it's hard. Witness.

Witness is great. Not top five. I like it. No, I'm just trying to get good movies out there. Oh. Three Days the Condor. Oh, I love that one. That is a genius movie. Yeah.

Sidney Pollock, Robert Redford at his best. Who isn't it, Fay Dunnoy? Faye Dunnoy. Sexy. I don't know who she is. They're all up to you young. I shouldn't have said her name. You're sure you're still not trying to get late.

Faye Dunnoy. A fucking stunner. Brilliant. In that movie. You know, with the goodbye scene at the train station. If you're not out there, like as you used to be, What do you do for a social life? It's a little wispier than before, yeah.

No, I do, he's doing fine. I'll bet he is. He's just like playing a part now, right? Women like, persons. They like him. Sense of humor, number one, kindness number two, access to resources, number three. Access to resources. However you interpret that.

I have a doomsday bunker. And there's nothing. But funny and kind. Funny and kind are big. Funny and kind. Yeah, I'm not, I'm not mean guy. No, no one ever. You don't mind if I borrow one.

No, no. No, never thought you were or said you were. No, not at all. And obviously a funny guy. And yes, you're right, kindness. I mean, the reason I was saying before, like, you know, bad man, you go out with young girls. What? Young girls, they cannot find a guy close to their age who will feed them mentally or even at this point.

They've been raised on pouring these guys. I know. That's the problem. You know. You don't ask for anal on the first date. You know? We're going to be right back. This is first time on Clubbrandom.

We're actually taking a commercial break. You're going to see Bill at the bar. He's going to pitch hymns. Let's read a few bonus. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, women, you know, they are creatures that need to be fed mentally, obviously, physically also.

But, you know, these guys, these young guys today, they do not understand a flower that needs to be watered. They grew up watching, you know, Japanese businessmen come on schoolgirl's faces on their phone. It's sixth grade.

I haven't seen that one. Yeah. Can you send me a link? It is a toxicity. Oh, it is. And distort. Very weird. Suddenly you're... Well, I'm...

Suddenly you guys are uncomfortable. I'm Brad Pitt. Well, it's a good point, Bill. Yeah. Except, you know, you're right. Be kind to people and know that everyone is more vulnerable than you think. Multiply it by 10. It's hard being a human being on this planet with everything that can happen.

So, just be kind. What's harder... I would see you guys as being kind to the women you take. Well, you're just more vulnerable as a woman. A million percent. Period. Yes. You know, it's like we do not know what it's like to walk through this world.

With fucking creeps. With creeps. As a target of so many. Oh, yeah. And also, not to mention the like age thing. It's much more of a thing in their mind that because we are so visual, not you. Oh, no, I'm visual. My wife's a knockout.

No, no. Okay, but I mean like, okay, not tell what I meant. I mean, not, but for youth, you know, whatever it is. Oh, yeah. I mean, can you imagine if we were always worried about as we got older, we got less funny? I understand. That would be like, oh my God, do you mean when I'm 40, I'm not going to be as funny? Well, that would be when I'm 50.

Weird. People are not going to think. We didn't get that. I don't know if handsome men get it, but a young attractive woman, sometimes at 18 or 19 superpower has arrived. She's gone past puberty. She's absolutely stunning, the peak of her power. Every time she walks in a restaurant like this. And I've talked to women, young women,

who's just like people buy them drinks. They're like stars. They're superstars. You don't have to work. And then when you start getting that head turn, it's a very, you know, heady kind of thing. We didn't have that, you know, of losing the superpower. It's similar to being a celebrity.

Yeah, yeah. It's like being a celebrity without having to audition. It's like when you're out, it's like a traditional, all right, but that's for another podcast. And it happens well before 18 or 19. It happens to them at 13. It does.

That people are looking and men are letting them know, even if it's not overtly, and sometimes overtly. They're letting them know. You've really grown up. They get a lot of that. Yeah. Well, I haven't seen you.

I've really filled out. You're quite a woman now. Yeah. Exactly. But you can still sit on Uncle Billy's lap. Hey, that ain't no harm. Now come here, little girl. Here we go.

Oh, you are a peach. Hoohee. We do get treated like pretty girls because if you're known and you're out, like guys give me their card. There's guys. It's like that. It's like, hey, they want to talk to you and they want to separate themselves from the cattle,

like in the first tense. I'm not one of these guys. I run the plays. You know what I mean? So you get special treatment like they do. It's a similar feeling when you're on TV. I knew a girl in the 90s. She had a bowl.

Like, where's that bowl? Oh, of cards? Yeah, just cards. Just, you know, I'm never going to use them. It just amused her to have this, like, fucking giant fish bowl. Of cards. You know, like every time she went out in the era of cards. This is like the 90s people had cards.

That was a big thing. No one knows it. It's like, yeah. People used to get. Can I get. give you my card. I was such a drunk asshole. People would give me their cards, you know,

because it's a celebrity, same as a pretty woman. And I would begin cleaning my teeth with it as I... Intentionally to gross them out? No, it's just a funny move to go... No, just to go like, yeah, no, I'll give you a call. Yeah, sounds great. That was like cleaning my... Putting in between my distance.

Oh, you have to... Yeah, I'm looking at your phone. Oh, no, not at all. It's fine. It's fine. We all got time for one more. What do you go? You have a final mic drop question?

Do you prepare for this at all? I could do it. You don't have to stop me. No, I don't. I'm not going to. I have to go. You do? Yeah.

Where are you going? It's a dinner with a certain streamer. 6.30. A streamer? Yeah. What does that mean? Netflix? Okay.

Oh, I see. Is she on the cover of GQ? Okay. Let's not let you miss that. No, don't. No, no. Because, all right. Actually, here's a stupid story the other day when...

But you can stay. Dana, you stay. I can stay. Yeah, we'll go on the spillover room. She would happen to the spillover room. Well, no, it was nice to meet you. Congratulations on all your success, podcast partners. I think the fans love it, that you love each other.

It's something it's like with the Beatles, you know. We never really wanted to see them when they were at each other. other's throats for those couple of years when John Lennon put out you know how do you sleep at night Paul and like the only thing you did was yesterday it's like oh you know what about us kids think about the kid it is hard to watch we don't want to see and then they you know and Paul always said you know at the end it was great our last conversation was just about cats and baking bread right and you know we went over and I said hello you know we sat for Blanc you know he used to bring out

We got guitars and John and I. You know, we plunked. You know, this is how we came up with the White album. No, the bittersweet thing for the superfans, which I'm one of them of millions and millions, is that they were so young. And if John had lived longer, they would have been like, what were we arguing about?

I mean, I don't, the Beatles was a wave, and it crested when they left in 1970. I don't think it's at the beach. And that's the one thing where young people are still, people in their... They just put out anthology four. Yes. Did you see that? In the 90s, they find, and that itself

was 25 years after they broke up. They put out the big anthology where they themselves told their story and all the stuff from the vaults. Now they just put out anthology four. Oh, here's some other stuff we found. Some other scraps we found. These guys have been able to

sell the same song so many times and it's amazing we buy them. But the canon of it is never to get used to. You cannot overestimate them. You can't exaggerate them for a young person. They may know, hey, Jude, and let it be, and then they hear no reply,

or they hear she's leaving home, or, you know, I'm a walrus or, you know, Penny Lane. I bought it, and most of it was like, oh, I'm not going to keep that, that, that because I already have it, and it sounds, okay, it's a slightly different version. It was take three instead of take four. They picked the best one, usually.

but got to get you into my life done with guitars instead of the brass. I like the brass, but I like this too. And it might be better for me. So I'm going to keep that one. It was worth the price of admission. You can't get used to it. We've got to get David Stade out of here. Genius by definition is something that exists that shouldn't exist.

That's the Beatles. Something that shouldn't exist but does exist. Thank you, Lauren. So you just walk away. there's no applause. No applause? There will be a loop toward the end.