Club Random with Bill Maher - Fabio | Club Random with Bill Maher

Episode Date: June 30, 2024

Fabio Lanzoni was the first international male model, graced the covers of over 400 romance novels, and did the first Gap campaign, plus work for Versace and Armani. Bill Maher and Fabio go deep on Italians, hair extensions on dudes, how if married, their wives would be Real Housewives, romance novels and the fantasy element that crosses the line, #Me Too in the Middle East, third act problems in some forms of adult entertainment, how college makes people more stupid, how some people can’t be alone, we’re talking to you, J Lo, how Italian men move home, and so much more. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Benefits vary by card, other conditions apply. I can eat and then go work out, or I can eat and then make Tom Sacks. You are truly Fabio. Yes. Club random. The first time I came to the United States, I was 13 years old.

Soon I got off the plane, I go like, oh my God, I feel home. Fabio? Bill, how are you doing? Good to see you, my friend. You look like you're really Fabio. How are you doing? I thought maybe there was an AI version of you. Actually, they were already trying to do AI, Fabio,

and I'm like, oh my goodness. Are you serious? I swear, I swear. And you know what's crazy? They did like a- That's not like a hologram. Or is it similar? AI.

AI, like, yeah. And it speaks different languages, and it's so, and I tell you, what's crazy? They did it like in 10 minutes, okay? And I couldn't believe how real it was. I mean, this stuff is scary. Well, where would I see this? Where would, where do they, like on the internet?

I'll get your link. Well, let's not go that far. I'm not saying I want to see it. No, I don't, I mean, that to me is scary. It is scary. And I'm sure they'll do it to me. I mean, it's certainly going to be an issue in this presidential campaign. Yeah, and I'm sure they'll do it to me. I mean, it's certainly going to be an issue in this presidential campaign.

Yeah, and I'm telling you, it's gonna be a point, you know, that's why Elon Musk and all the people, they're saying, hey, this thing is scary. This thing, you know, AI can get to a point where it can outsmart the people. Well, that's good. And take, well, you know. Of course, that's the fear.

Right. That's the main thing. It will happen, you know, there, you know. Of course, that's the fear. Right. That's the main thing. It will happen, you know. There's no doubt, it will happen. You know, I just, my friend just gave me this movie called Colossus. You can't see it online. You have to buy the actual movie.

It's from, I think 1971. Eric Braden, you know Eric Braden? Longtime soap opera actor. He was on the show for like 40 years. German guy. You must have seen Eric. He was in the Rat Patrol. Okay, okay.

He's German with a slight accent, but he's the star when he was a leading man. And it's like amazingly prescient because it means 1971. So the computer is as big as this room. Right, right, right. Beeping lights. like amazingly prescient because it means 1971. So the computer's as big as this room. Right, right. Beeping lights.

But the guy invents AI and it does exactly, they're talking about exactly what we're talking about now. He assures the President of the United States who they cast him, he looks just like John F. Kennedy because it was only eight years after his assassination. So, you know, Mr. President, the machine will never be able to outspit. And then Russia comes up with one, just the same thing.

And then the two computers get together, and then they blackmail the whole world. And they do exactly what we fear AI will do, right away, take over, and be the boss of us. And it's- It's crazy, I don't know if you know, but just not too long ago, the Pentagon, they announced that actually the drone, it's controlled by AI.

AI will make the decision to kill or not to kill. Right. Okay, but if you look back in 2008, when Obama was the president, there was a major big mistake. One of our drone killed a bunch of people, there was a major big mistake. One of our drone killed a bunch of people, I think it was in Iraq.

And then came out, then it was already controlled by AI. So AI made that decision already in 2008. And the Pentagon just admitted now, they're just doing it now. It's like, yeah. Or they would just love to blame it on AI. Because trust me, we've broken up more than a few weddings. And Afghanistan, I mean, you know,

it was not just one time this happened. Now look, I've always been of the opinion that Americans are very naive about the threats in the world. There are really bad people in the world. Sometimes you gotta break a few eggs to make an omelet. I'm sorry that weddings got killed,

people at weddings got killed. It's not right. But 9-11 wasn't right either. And the idea that, you know, there are not people plotting against us, and that we have to do something. Iraq was wrong to, like, go, to, like, invade a whole country with an army. That wasn't the right way to do something. Iraq was wrong to invade a whole country with an army.

That wasn't the right way to do it. But you gotta do something. Drones targeting terrorists is like the least awful option sometimes. And also Iraq was the cushion with Iran. Because if you remember. Correct, of course. If you remember, you know, my father used to be

a top engineer and we used to have, you know, Iraqi, and I remember growing up being 13, 14 years old. And you grew up in Italy. Yes, Milan. Milan. Milan, is that really Italy? Well, put it this way, it's not Sicily, okay? I mean, I know enough about Italy to know that if Americans think the north and the south of America are very different, which they do, and they are, try Italy.

Oh my God. Because Milan is not, and they don't really want to be part of the same country. It's true. It's true. It's true. But you go like 30 miles somewhere from Milan and they speak a totally different dialect. Talking about dialect, it's like you get 30 miles each each way east, west, north, south of Milan, and it's a totally different dialect.

And the people are lighter, blonder. Yeah, we have a lot of, you know... The men have very long hair. No, not all. Look at you, you still got the fucking... That's all your hair, those aren't extensions? No, no. Can those aren't extensions? No, no.

Can a man wear extensions? You know, it's, I mean, without me, you know, it's like, come on, we're still men, men. I mean, probably we're still the last of the Moekans, you know, our generation. Well, we are, I think, like, two of the very few men our age, 40, who have never been married and no kids, right? I think like the two of the very few men our age, 40,

who have never been married and no kids, right? And this is because we're homosexual. No. No, this is because, well, I always say, I always say to people when they ask about this, if you're our age and you've never gotten married, it's either for one or two reasons. You don't like women or you like them a lot. Exactly.

Right? And you know, it's like, listen, we're smart and we're picky. So we're not going to, you know, and when you're a successful man, especially living in Los Angeles, you have to be careful. No, there's, trust me, I know. And sometimes women are sincere, but I mean, I have a pretty sharp eye now for, like,

especially like you say, we're older now. I know when a woman wants to be like a Beverly Hills wife and have the Beverly Hills wife life. Maybe it's because they see it on, isn't there a show? Of course there is. I've never seen any of those housewives show because I feel like I might get sucked into it. But like, and they didn't need a show to tell them how to be.

They're pathetic. What? Those shows. Those shows that. You've seen them, you watch them? No. But you know, I saw clips and I'm like, oh my God, I can't believe people,

they're watching this garbage. I mean, come on. See, if we had led our lives differently, gotten married, our wives would now be on that show. Oh. Run your show. Run. Our wives would be throwing drinks in each other's faces.

Yeah. And look what we avoided. I know. I know. It's great. You know, it's like, I love, you know, cars, motorcycles. And you know, it's like, and always we're going to go like, well, Fabio, why you have to have all these cars? Why to have, you know, because I go like, well Fabio, why you have to have all these cars?

Why to have, you know, because I go like, I like variety, maybe give you a hint. Right. Well, I could give a shit about variety in cars. I have one car, I mean I'm not a car guy. But I see your point, and so you like variety so much, it even extends to the automobile. It's, well, you know, it's like, listen,

life is too short, you never know, right? So I believe, you know, it's like you have to have the best in your life, you know, it's like I understand, you work, and then you have fun. In life, you have to have balance, okay? So a lot of people, they work too much, and they don't live life. I like to live life. I work.

You look like you're still living it the same. You got the hair, you got the plunging neckline. I mean, you look good. I'm sure... You too, I mean, you look great. And those books, you know, so interesting, the way, you know, society kind of frowns on what those books are really selling.

Like, it's toxic. Like, if you really do the shit that the guy in the book is doing. Yes, I'm telling you, it's America. America, they're very good to marketing and to sell fantasy. Think about Hollywood, it's based on a fantasy, right? So the same, you know, those books give people fantasy.

Fantasy, it's healthy, it's an escape. But the fantasy, that's where the hypocrisy comes in. The fantasy that the women have in the books is sort of frowned upon in other quarters of life and media. Because it's a little like, I wanna be taken, right? But you know, the guy, didn't they call them bodice rippers because he's literally ripping off the whatever the bodice is.

I don't remember ever being with a girl who had a bodice, whatever it is, but you know, the fact that it was being ripped off is, that's a little, that's not in the Me Too catalog there. You're not supposed to rip things off. But women do want something in men that they sometimes, I think, to their own detriment these days,

root out of them because it's so all about, we can't have any toxic masculinity, and we certainly are toxic, and have done a lot of bad things. But, you know, they still want to feel like they're getting fucked by a man. And not a wimp or a boy, or, you know, I mean, political correctness is just not sexy.

No, you're right. It's not sexy. And so, and nobody ever came after you for being like part of this evil. No, no, you know, it's like, you know, always treat women with respect, on a gentleman, you know, and then takes two to tango, you know.

So it's sometimes, you know, men and women that do stupid things and then they're gonna bang them in the ass in the long run. But you know, it's like when all this stuff with the Me Too movement came out, it was such a Hollywood thing. It's like where was the Me Too movement with all the women being raped down in October 7 in Israel?

You know, the movement. Of course. It's so, you know, celebrity, no, no. None of the Me Too movement say a word about what happened. No, and a lot of the dumbass useful idiots defended it. Yeah. Didn't spend one day in sympathy for the victims. Went right to Hamas.

Way to go, boys. It's unbelievable. And I tell you, all this, to me, cancel culture is the stupidest thing, because you have people, you have civilization with thousands of years of cultures, and then now the cancel culture, I mean these

people they chant from the river to the sea they don't even know which river and which sea I mean it's like you don't even know where Palestine is you know it's unbelievable and you know my father used to tell me you know they're always gonna find out a cure for diseases they will never find the cure for ignorant people it's you know even you go education yeah look at the education a cure for diseases, they will never find a cure for ignorant people. Even you go education, yeah, look at the education people get today in colleges, it's crazy. I mean, it makes them stupider. But they certainly don't.

Brainwash is not education. I mean, I was a history major. And if I was king and took over the education system, I would make everybody take a course. I don't know what I would call it. It would be something like, you are here. You know on a map when you're trying to find your way around a park or something, you are here. So you know exactly where you are in the big picture.

That's what they don't have. They don't know, like, how old the Earth is. They don't know, like, how many people on Earth. They have no perspective. They have no perspective. They have no clue. Where did I come from? How old is history? They would be shocked, I think, at all these things.

And it's very important to know because they have no perspective. This is why they were able to have that attitude like, boy, people 500 years ago really should have known better. Columbus was not politically correct. Yet nobody was then. And you wouldn't have been either, you asshole, if you lived then, as if you were Nostradamus.

And in 1492, you'd be like, checking slaves is wrong. It wasn't wrong to anybody, including people of color in other parts of the world. And, you know, I was just reading about, was it the Mayans or the Ingans, it was in yesterday's New York Times, chopping the heads off of the children as part of a religious sacrifice. I mean, come on, man. I mean, humans, we grow up in stages,

just like we do as individuals. Right, but it's part of our, you know, it's like you have to acknowledge our culture. And also America was such a different country from the rest of the world because it was a melting pot of different cultures, you know? That is the beauty about America. When you come, when you grow up in a country like Italy

or any place in Europe or around the world, you're pretty much exposed to your culture. And most of the time they tell you your culture is the best, you invented this, you created this, you know, it's like they, you know, they pump up. Why did you come to America? I came to America because it was, I was very fortunate to travel the world with my parents.

My parents loved to travel the world. So since I was like four or five years old, we went everywhere, all over Africa. Did your father work in the Foreign Service or something? No, my father was a top mechanical engineer and he was one of the first men to create assembly line. So it was very, very successful. Like Fiat? Well, you know, the Fiat, they were, very successful. Like Fiat?

Well, you know, the Fiat, they were, you know. Was that Milan? Yes, no, Fiat is in Torino. Torino, right. Torino. But my father built, you know, some of the top assembly line for Whirlpool, for Boeing. So you saw America when you were a kid with your parents.

Yes. And you just liked it and wanted to move here? Let me tell you something. I've been around the world, you know, by the time I was 13, I was already been around many, many places around the world. And I never felt home in Italy. I was always found, you know, I feel like a fish out of the water in my country.

Yeah. You know, I think the mentality, the Italian mentality is kind of like, it's narrow. You know, it's like, they still live on a Roman empire. And it's like, excuse me, what have you done two dozen years from that time until now? You know? It's like those bridges, those monuments, those buildings, they're still there and they're still standing.

You build roads and bridges, then at the inauguration day, they collapse. I mean, you know, it's like, it's crazy. It's crazy. It's like, what have you done now? You know? It's amazing the way the forces that collapsed the Roman Empire are very similar to like what's happening today,

because like migration around the world is always such a key factor in this. You nail it. You know, and I'm not saying, first of all, the barbarians who took over the Roman Empire weren't barbarians, they were just different people. Right. Any more than the people who were coming to this country, they're not barbarians either. But when people are on the move, I mean, the Roman Empire collapsed because the Huns,

who were from north of Beijing, they were from north of China, and they fought with the Han dynasty. And then they migrated westward, and then they put pressure on tribes that they were pushing out in Eastern Europe, the Visgoths and the Goths. Yes. OK. And then they moved into the Roman Empire.

So it was like when people are moving, it just puts pressure on other peoples and everything changes. And I mean, immigration is probably the biggest issue in this election. And in European elections, I mean, Maloney in your country, you know, that's how she got to be the prime minister and she's the only one in the G7 who's popular now because she has a reputation as being tough on immigration

and keeping Italy, Italy. And when you say that in certain quarters, that'd be, you know, oh, that's racist. It doesn't have to be, it can be, there can be racist elements, but other people, like the majority of people, I think in some poll in this country said, there are times I just don't feel like I'm at home

in my own country. They couldn't keep out the people who wanted to be there. I mean, that's what a lot of people would say is going on in this country right now. We seem unable to keep out anyone. And because the people coming through the border now are not just from Central America. They're from China and lots of people are saying,

oh, you can get in through there. And I just feel like this is going to be Biden's undoing. Yeah, and being America, you have a lot of enemy. So you really want to take care of your border because you know ISIS and you know, America, you know, you have a lot of enemy. So you really want to take care of your border because, you know, ISIS and... Yeah. They caught eight ISIS guys last week. Yeah, exactly. And, you know, I guarantee you, Hamas, they have a lot of cells in the United States,

and, you know, as well as Hezbollah. So, you know, it's like you have to... Listen, if somebody wants to come in your house, should be come from the front door. Right, right, not from breaking the rear window, okay? Because when somebody break your window is because doesn't have good intention. I came here legally, so you know, many times,

people they go like, okay, Fabio, you're an immigrant, you came here, but I came here legally, I went through the system, and I became an American citizen. It's almost like you go to the bank, right, and you're waiting for an hour and a half at the bank, and you have to go and run your errands, and you're waiting, and all of a sudden,

30 people, they come in, and they pass in front of the line. Boy, I bet you there's a lot of chicks who were masturbating to your photos on the cover of those books or listening to this going, wow, that guy can talk too. Well, you know, I'm not just a pretty face. No, no, but women, when women masturbate,

I feel like it's very different than we do. I don't mean we like... We're very visual. Exactly. You're very visual. Women, they're not that visual. Right. You're very visual. Women, they're not that visual. You know? Right.

That's why even, you know, porn, you know, with men, it's, you know. Yeah, it's porn. Yeah, because we're very visual. We see girls, you know, working out at the gym or that we already, you know. Women's porn is almost a contradiction in term. It's almost the opposite of what porn is or what classic porn is. Yes. And unless...

It's always the exception to the rules. And lesbian porn is just, I mean, how do you know when we're done? Yeah. Is it not? Okay. There's no finale to this show, you know? Talk about third act problems.

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Hey, I'll be at the Offerham Theater in Minneapolis, Minnesota on July 13th. On the 14th at the Riverside Theater in Milwaukee. July 26th, the MGM Music Hall at Fenway, Boston, Massachusetts. July 27th at the Toyota Oakdale Theater in Wallingford, Connecticut. Come out and see me and laugh your ass off. So what's your life like every day? I'm very curious. I love life.

I don't. I know. I can see that. You get up in the morning? In life, you have to have balance. No, I don't like morning. Early morning. I don't either.

Oh my god. I hate early morning. What time do you get up normally? About 10, 11. Me too. I'm telling you. It's like. I'm't either. Oh, my God, I hate early morning. What time do you get up normally? Uh, about 10, 11. Me too. I'm telling you. I'm telling you, we're brothers from another mother. Soon, I mean, when the sun is that high in the morning, I'm just like a vampire, you know?

Like, it's, I don't even know how they... Well, there's only so many hours in the day, and I like the night. I mean, one reason I created this atmosphere for this show is because I feel it's the only podcast that has a nighttime feel. Yes. You know, like, you don't see any cameras.

It's just you and I sitting in my little den of iniquity, smoking, drinking. You know, that's, I mean, some people are just night people. I've always been at my father's work nights. And everything was just always on a late clock. And I'm sorry, but just like, a lot more fun things happen at night. And nights. Right.

When you're adult. Yes. Not when you're five. I get it. I want more time to be in dirt. But I don't have that issue anymore. I want more time to be in bars. Maybe not bars, but places, you know, out, restaurants, people, you know. I mean, I know.

There are some morning people that they can't, I mean, they love the morning. Oh, it's great. You know, I always said, you know. I never got morning sex. No, I just, I can't stand morning. I mean. What about morning sex?

Morning what? Morning sex. Not between us. I mean, just in general. Oh, no, no. Well, well, I just, I can't stand morning, I mean. What about morning sex? Morning what? Morning sex, not between us. I mean, just in general. Oh, no, no, well. Well, you know, depends, you know, if you have a, you know. Yeah, I mean, I've done it, but it's like, first of all, I feel disgusting when I first wake up. I mean, even when I see it in a movie,

when people wake up and kiss each other, I'm like, ugh, how can you kiss someone after eight hours of sleep? I mean, it's just, it's just, but some people are not bothered by things like that. It bothers me a lot that, like, I'm fastidious that way. So, like, the idea that you could wake up after all that sleep and then just start, like, kissing, uh, that's gross.

And, you know, you're kind of, who knows what's in your eyes? It's just, it's just, you know, you know, it's better at night, night. You know, listen, you know, many time in the morning, you know, especially when you're younger, you know, you get up with a boner and then, you know, you know, you have to take care of it. You get up with a boner. Yes, you do.

You know, it's always, you know, when I'm a person of age. I think that was Bing Crosby's theme song, You Get Up With a Boner. Ha ha ha. Ba ba ba ba. Ha ha ha. Yeah, I still get up with a boner sometimes, but I don't have to put it in someone.

It's the morning. Can we just, like, have coffee and, like, you know? Yeah, it's the best time is after coffee and some breakfasts. It's not going anywhere. Right. But I mean, I've also, I must say in the last, I would say five years especially, really appreciate, since I started doing like

a kind of a fast couple of times a year, and you get used to like not eating for like a stretch of hours, that most of my life I just went by the normal thing of three meals a day and like, no, I don't have to. Two's fine. And I really like the time of the day before I eat because I just have more energy.

Food makes you... Oh, totally, totally. Yeah. You know, it's like, yeah. You know, you want a good, normally I always have like a brunch, because by the time I get up, I have, you know, my breakfast, you know,

and then some eggs, omelet, and so on. So I do my brunch every time. And then I don't eat until, you know, the evening. But yes, of course, you know, it's like every time you eat, you get more energy. You get less. You get less. When they eat, you get more. From eating?

Yes. Oh, see, there we're opposite. No, to me, I'm like a wolf. I eat and I wanna sleep at the mouth of the cave. Because the body, most of the body's energy is taken with digestion. When you have to digest something, that's like, I never wanna like fuck after eat.

You know what? It's fuck and then eat, it makes so much more sense. I'm trying to. It's so funny because in Italy they used to tell me that, oh you know, you eat and then you, and I was like, no, I can eat and then go work out, or I can eat and then have big time snacks. You are truly Fabio.

Really, you are truly the... I mean, it's a great, you know, to burn calories. I mean, now you got, you know, you fill up your tank and you know, you're ready to go. You fill up your tank, but most people get logy after food. Most people get lethargic. Most people get sleepy. Again, because all the digesting.

Because most of the blood goes in your stomach. Your body just wants you to sit down and do nothing while it does its job. I mean, using my first meal, it's kind of a shake, but it's heavy with a lot of stuff in it. And I can guarantee a half hour after I drink that, I will not be able to stay awake for just 15 minutes, but like, it will just kill me.

My body's just saying, you can't even be conscious now. We are just working on this now. We are working on this thing you just ate, and then we'll wake you up when we're done with that. But we can't do two things at once. So if you can do all these things right after you eat, work out, you're not even supposed to do that. Doesn't it?

I've been doing it all my life. It doesn't even bother me. I never told you as a kid you're not supposed to, like, go back swimming in the ocean. All the time. And I used to be very stubborn. I like, I wanted to prove the point. I used to jump right in the ocean.

Really? Oh, I used to drive my parents around. And it never killed you? Never. Never? You're still alive. That's awesome. So not to get too personal, but that's why you're here.

Yeah. I mean, you know, it's like it's, and tell you, the world is beautiful because it's colorful. You know, and there is no such a, you know, everything. There is exception to the rules, you know, in everything. Well, apropos of what are you saying there? Well, you know, everything... There is exception to the rules, you know, in everything. Well, what... Apropos of what are you saying there? Well, you know, there is always exception, I mean, it's like... To what? What are we talking about?

On... Exception to what? On everything. To what, though? I mean, why are you making this point? What's the exception? What's the... I mean, what's the... What's the rule that we have to make a thing about the exception? No, but you know, it's like you were saying before, you know, like, it's like, oh, you know, people eat and then they can't work out.

Oh, I see. I see. Oh, OK. That's what I'm saying. Right. No, absolutely. Everybody's... It's different. Everybody's so different, especially about very personal things like that. That's why, you know, guys like us, I mean, we can sit here in short all about, oh, we never got married, so we don't have the divorce, and all the horrible things that we think that happen with marriages,

and awful things do happen with marriages, but also great things happen with marriages. It's just based on who you are, and your nature, and like what works for you. I, people say, why are you anti-marriage? And I always say, I'm just anti-marriage for me. I get it, that it works for you. Right, there are some people that are meant to be married

and there's some people that can be alone. You know, there's a lot of people that can be alone. J.Lo. That's all, I mean, I'm not picking on her, but that was all in the, I saw Dr. Drew, I texted him yesterday, I was kidding him about it, but he was on TMZ last night, and he would, because he had to be interviewed

about JLo and Ben breaking up, and like, that was his thing, like, some people cannot be alone. Guys too, I've known guys like that. A lot of guys. Yes, guys who, oh my God, they like, were unhappily married for 20 years. I know guys like this. And they would always be bitching.

And every joke was about how horrible the marriage was. Right. Yes. It was like, I was laughing at the jokes. But I would always be thinking, oh, but for you, that joke comes out of real pain. But OK, if we're all laughing at it, I'll laugh at it too. But it made me think, I'm glad I'm not married.

So they're married for like 20 years, and they just can't get the courage to break off. They want to get out of it, but they've got kids, the roots run deep, you know, all that kind of stuff. Money sometimes is a... But they're miserable every day. And all the jokes are about how they never get laid and they never get blown.

And they finally, they just are driven to a point where they cannot take it for one more fucking second, and they do it. They get away. And then they fucking marry the first girl who gives them a head job. Just they break right back into prison. That's true. It's almost like, you know, every single guy,

every single guy wants to marry a nymphomaniac. And after a few years, you know, like the nympho live, and you got the maniac. And the maniac stay, you know, it's like, but listen, some people, they're meant to be married. They, you know, they find that really special person, that bondage, you know, and some other people, they're just, you know, people like me and you,

we're not, we're very, we're happy people. We are happy to be by ourselves. I mean, you know, number one, in life... Happy, smiley people. In life, you have to be by ourselves. I mean, you know, number one, in life, in life you have to be happy, okay? Well, you're right. Yeah, but the problem is with a lot of people, they're always trying, men and women,

they're always trying, oh, I'm gonna be happy only if I find the other person. No, you have to be happy first, be happy first. Exactly. Then you have to find somebody else who's also very content with their life and then maybe we can share something. But you know, if you're miserable

and you got another person, you're only gonna bring the person down. Or if you're happy and you marry somebody who's miserable, there's nothing you can do. She's gonna bring you down. Right. Well, you know what people usually use to make up for being happy?

Liquor and drugs. No. That's it. It's so sad. 818, kids. Well, I'm glad you're happy. Oh, you know, it's like it's, listen. If you keep your life, you know,

I was always trying to keep my life simple. You can complicate your life as much as you want. Correct. Complicate your life. Then you're going to pay the consequences. If you keep your life simple, it's much easier to have a happier life. OK, so put some meat on those bones. What do you mean by keeping your life simple?

What's keeping your life simple? Simple. Not getting married? See? No. See what you really love? No, but that's a big part of simple. It's like, once, not again. And again, I'm not knocking marriage, Not getting married? See? No. See what you really love? No, but that's a big part of simple.

It's like, once, not again, and again, I'm not knocking marriage because I think, I know people will be miserable without their spouse, but it does, immediately life is complicated because first of all, you've invited the government, the legal system into your life. You are now in a relationship, not just with your partner, but with the legal system of the United States. So if shit goes sideways, the legal system gets involved.

That was always a very big red flag for me. Yeah, but yeah, that's in this country. That's in the United States. In a lot of places on earth, you know, other countries is not as complicated. What do you mean? But, you know, in the United States, everybody knows. I mean, you know... You mean it's easier to get divorced and stuff in other countries?

Yeah. It's... And also, you know, it's like, in other countries, a lot of countries, they don't believe in suing each other. They're like, you know, in this country, I mean, you know, it's like one of the first they tell you is like, prepare to have a lawyer in your pocket because you need a lawyer for it. In Islamic countries, I mean, I'm quoting this from fairly recent times, maybe this

has changed. So if it has, don't hate me on that. But certainly in this century, and I think still in many places, all that has to happen is the man has to say, I divorce thee, I divorce thee, I divorce thee three times. I'm not kidding about that. Oh, no, no. Have you heard?

That's like a law. I think that's probably still what happens in Saudi Arabia. They can have as many as women they want. That's a lot easier than Jacobian Myers, you know? And getting Saul Weinstein involved in your life, and having his bills come every. And I see why guys go ape shit. I mean, I've seen this with so many guys who,

they go through the divorce. They think, you know, they set themselves up for life with the perfect wife, and then, and not only do they now have to pay these exorbitant legal fees of their own, they have to pay her lawyer. They have to pay the guy who's fucking them in the ass. I can see why this drives them to the brink, and I've seen them.

Oh, yeah. And, you know, I mean, it's the kind of thing that can make you physically, and I think it has made people physically sick. That's, relationships are wonderful, but they can do, they can actually, if they go badly, can make you physically sick. Or in Johnny Depp's case, just lose the tip of the finger.

I know, and you know, it's like, you've been around, you know, how many really people you meet, they're extremely happy with a marriage. I mean, the majority, they're not happily married. I mean, everybody's miserable. You know, it's like. No. I know, I do this bit in my act, so I

don't want to like pretend that it's not a joke. But I always say, when people ask me why I don't get married, I say because when you ask people about a marriage, what comes out of their mouth, the first thing is always some variation of, well it's tough, you know, it's a lot of work. It's never yippee! And that is another, you know, these are just red flags.

And have you ever been engaged? Because I was engaged. Never. Never, never even got that far. When I was 29, I was engaged, bought a ring. I remember in New York City, I was living out here, but we went back to New York because the 47th Street Diamond District, you know, on the west side of New York, okay.

So, you know, that whole block, it's immortalized in the movie Marathon Man, JBC Marathon Man. Yes. Lawrence Olivier, Dustin Hoffman, classic, and that's the end scene. And every shop is a diamond district. And you can buy just the chip, you know, and I did.

I remember it was $1,250. And every shop is a diamond. And you can buy just the chip. You know, and I did. I remember it was $1,250 to get just a little diamond. And then you'd put it on a ring. But you saved a lot of money doing it that way. So, you know, and then we lived together and it was just, I used to call it, it was a real Italian movie. It was duck and fuck.

We would fuck a lot and then it would be fights. There is a level of drama that you will put up with, or at least I would put up with at that age, that I guess I just thought was normal, that I would never put up with today, ever. Like I just don't have, I just wouldn't allow the drama, I'm alive. Time and energy, and also now at our age

we set in our ways, I mean, you know. And what I think we prize, at least for myself, is two things, comfort and acceptance. That weren't, comfort and acceptance were not number one and two on the charts when I was 25. Maybe they should have been, but you're different. And you have different goals and you have different feelings and you just can put up with more.

I mean a lot of what's great about aging is like weeding out things that you never liked to begin with and you don't have to put up with anymore. You get wiser. Wiser? And more able to just eliminate what you don't want, the clutter in your life, or the things you never wanted to do, like Christmas.

Right. You know, I did Christmas forever and now I don't. Like, I don't hate it, it's just like, I'm not doing anything for it. I'm not buying you anything, I'm not going anywhere. I don't have to get a tree, I do. I mean, it's the same tree every year, it's not real. It's lovely, I love a Christmas tree, I love Christmas.

Don't make me do anything. And plus, you know, freedom is a beautiful thing, and be able to, you know, sometime ago, go like, let's make plans. What plans? I don't even know. When I get up, I don't even know what I'm going to do. You know?

I don't even know what I'm going to do. What am I going to tell you? Let's do this. I don't even know what I'm going to do. So when I wake up, I want to do whatever I want to do. That's exactly how. That's, again, exactly how I feel. Like, I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it.

That's a tough thing to do in a relationship. Exactly. I'm of the opinion that the word consider is the most important part of a real relationship because the word considerate comes from consider. You just have to consider what the other person is doing, almost always, especially if you live with them. You don't have to do something about it all the time. But you just can't live your life

without thinking about what another person is doing at this moment. And I think most of the stress in my life came from when I was in a relationship, and I had that to, it just doesn't suit me. I'm a lone wolf. I'm the same way. You know what the other word is?

Compromise, I hate that word. It's when I cut him off from my vocabulary. There's no compromise. I mean, what I wanna do, I wanna do. He's like, you know, that's the way it is. You know? You know? Compromise.

Why do I have to compromise? I had Alan Richson, you know who he is? He plays Reacher. Yes, yes. He's got a very big career going on. He was just in that big movie. Yeah, he was in the movie with Bruce Willis. Yeah, he was doing great.

And he was here and he was telling me, and I love Reacher, and he was, by the way, you could play Reacher's dad. That'd be a great part for you. Oh, see, I'm always helping people's careers here. You'd be perfect, because he's big. You know, that's the whole thing. There's a thousand Sasquatch jokes about him in the show.

But like he was telling me, he's like, yeah, wherever I'm on location, my wife and my kids come with me. I've heard so much jokes about him in the show. But like he was telling me, he's like, yeah, wherever I'm on location, my wife and my kids come with me. He said, I'm a lone wolf. I'm like, lone wolf? I'm a lone wolf. Your wife and kids come with you.

I'm not a lone wolf. I mean, it's cool. I'm glad you like it. But I mean, this is a lone wolf. And it's actually hard to stay single, especially if you are successful your whole life. I mean, you have to really work at it. You know, I mean, somebody once shouted at me when I was on stage, how are you not married?

I said, vigilance. You know? You know, sometimes people, they have, you know, society, they have, they categorize, you know, it's like, you know, you get to a certain age and, you know, you have to get married, women, you know, you're getting older, your clock is ticking, you know, you have to have kids. And it's like, you know, there is no real rules in life. I mean, it's like, there are rules that society put, but you don't have to follow.

We're lucky because we live in a place where there are no rules. That's why we love America with all its flaws, or like I do. Oh, it's the best country in the world. Even with all the shit, there's a reason why they're trying to get here. The reason why our problem isn't keeping people in.

Yeah. We're not building a wall to keep them. Right. It's such a bad kind. You know, sometimes people are here on TV like, oh, you know, America's so horrible. Right. And it's like, why the fuck everybody wants to come in this country because it's so horrible?

It's not like our diplomats are calling up the dude from Tajikistan and saying, listen, we've both got the same problem. Why don't we get together, just informally have a dinner, kind of spitball it, see what we can do about this? Because I know people are just flooding into Tajikistan. And if we could just get your point of view, sometimes fresh eyes on a problem would really help.

It's like, no, this is, and look, Europe has the same issues. I mean, people want to get to, I mean, what I find cheeky, if I may, about some of the immigrants who come into places, all of them, but especially Europe. This is more, our immigration is mostly Latin American, which is a culture which is, really does want to melt,

and is not that distant from us to begin with. Spanish, English, you know, they're not that hard to learn. Right. Each other. Okay, immigration to Western Europe is, a lot of it is Muslim. It's from North Africa. It's horrible.

Well, let's wait till we get to the end of this. We went jump right to it's horrible. OK, the people are not horrible. No. The people are not horrible. The ideology. The ideology. And it's very different.

And some of them are very open about talking about a Europe in the future that is there, the civilization they came from. That's what I find cheeky. You're leaving this civilization, which is very different than Western Europe. Very different than Christian slash atheistic, whatever it is, secular, enlightened Western, enlightenment Western Europe. And then you wanna, you're leaving the place that's very different, but then you wanna come to this place and make it like the place you left.

You know, I mean, if 51% of any Western European country was Muslim, they would be under some form of Sharia law. I love my moderate Muslim friends. Moderate Muslims are great, but there's not that many. I'm with you in that, you know, it's like. Whoever win. Yeah. The more fundamentalists win.

Right. That is the challenge Islam has. They want to come in your country, and you know, they live a country that were actually kept in like, you know, animal in the cages. Because in their country, you know, animal in the cages. Because in their country, I mean, they were miserable.

And then they go to another country where actually they feel all of a sudden freedom and they have some kind of happiness. And all of a sudden, they want to turn that country into the country like the one they came from. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It's cheeky.

It's very cheeky to do that. It's one thing to come here and say, hey, we were from this other country where things are not good. We don't really have a lot of freedom. We don't feel good about life there. We don't feel like we have a future and our children, blah, blah, blah. So you're a shining city on a hill.

We'd like to come here, and we'd like to be part of that. And thank you for having us. And you know what we're going to do? We're going to contribute mightily. And that's what immigrants in this country have mostly done, contribute mightily, because they wanted to be part of it. There's another thing to say. We're going to come over here, and then, you know what?

It would be great if we had a Sharia law, because that works so well in the old country. This is the issue that Islam at some point is going to have to deal with. It is a supremist religion. I mean, all religions are to a degree. If you're telling everybody in the world, our guy is the guy, you kind of have to believe.

They have no tolerance for anybody else. Right, but there are degrees of that, and they do not have, they don't have as much tolerance, not nearly, and it's more fundamentalist. They believe the holy book in a way Christians, because it's an older religion, really don't. They don't, the Bible says crazy shit too, but nobody takes it seriously.

But they do take it very seriously. Very seriously. That's why they've shown it. Beheading people from the time of Mohammed all the way to the modern day, and nothing has changed. And you know, when also Europe was invaded, you know, back, I think it was in 1400, from, you know, Turkish and, you know, the Arabs. I mean, Europe was-

Well, it was invaded way before that. No, but I'm saying, but, you know, it's like then the European, they kicked them out, and the Muslims said, we will be back. Oh, they were. They were at the gates of Vienna in 1529. And also in 1678. Did not get past,

but Vienna is the heart, not the heart, but close to the heart of Europe. And I've been in Vienna, I was there in the summer of 2010, and at least in the summer, like I would say at least half the women on the streets were in their complete black chatter. Totally, totally. It's all over Europe, I can tell you. A friend of mine is a federal judge in Italy and he just retired because he told me,

Fabio, I mean, I cannot believe where our country is today. And I said, well, what's happening? He goes like, number one, Italian citizen, they are fifth class citizen, not even second class, they're fifth class citizen, not even second class, they're fifth class citizen. Meaning? Meaning, then everything, the government supply everything to the immigrant, everything is for free for the immigrant.

The pension plan is pretty much gone. You know, you have all people, 89 years old, they go and collect their pension plan, the government say go home because we have no money. But in the meantime, they give free phone, free everything, free home. I mean, this is a similar complaint we hear in America. But they're so, but this has been going for many, many,

many years in Europe. And they're to the point where, like my friend who's a federal judge in Italy, said, you know, I can't take this anymore, and I'm going to retire. I mean, our police don and I'm gonna retire. I mean, our police don't want anything to do. In the middle of major city, you will have 40, 50 people from Arab country, from Africa.

This is a major, during the day, major square. They get around 40, 50 guys, they get five or six women and they rip them right there on the street. The police can be 10, 15 feet away and the police don't want anything to do because if they get into confrontation, then oh, if they beat up these people, they're gonna be racist and so on.

And my friend told me, he got to a point where law did not apply to these people, all the immigrants. They don't. They can do whatever they want. Their jail system is full, so these people, even if they commit crime, they get arrested, they get released the next day, so they commit more crime, they get arrested, they get released the next day, so they commit more crime, they get arrested, they get released the next day. I mean, it's like that, constantly every day.

You turn the TV on, it's constantly, you know, a lot of gypsies now, they are living in Italy. You know, the gypsy women, they go on buses and metro, they stack a pillow under their coat. And then they go and start doing wallet and purse and stealing money. What's the pillow for? They pretend to be pregnant.

Okay. Because in Italy there is a law and a cop cannot touch a pregnant woman. So they put some TV show put some camera on On the metro and they caught on video all these women pregnant women gypsy

Stealing money left and right so they call the police so the police wait at the at the stop. You know, when the metro stopped, they went in to talk to this woman and try to arrest this woman. And this woman, they're hitting the cops, they're spitting on the cops, they're calling the cops' name,

and the cops, there's nothing they can do because this woman pretend, even if they pretend to be pregnant women, because they're not, there's nothing they can do. And these people, they get away with murder every day. I think sometimes people in this country don't understand that crazy woke shit also happens in other countries.

Oh. I feel like you could do a whole show about crazy woke shit in other countries. Yeah. Trust me. Italy, France, England, Germany. I mean, it's like... I remember reading one about, and it was England,

and the kids, you know, the ones who are so afraid of everything and need a trigger warning for everything, it's going gonna upset them, they were someplace, wouldn't allow clapping anymore for a show because of the noise, you know? You know, the kids with the ASMR where they have to have soothing voices because everything causes anxiety.

Clapping. So, like, when... But what about the performer? You know, and they're just jazz hands. Just do this if you liked it. because his English is right, clapping. So like when, but what about the performer, you know? And then just jazz hands, just do this if you liked it. I mean, and you think this has gotta be an onion story. You know, this can't be real. I tell you, you should do, you should do,

I can put you in contact, you can do some stuff in Italy. Stuff of the stuff happening here is unbelievable. I mean, one of the cases, you know, three people from Africa, they broke into a house, they put an older man and the wife, they tied him up in the chair, they beat him up for hours because they were looking for cash and jewelry.

The people, they didn't have no cash and jewelry in the house. So they beat him up because they wanted, they thought these people had in their jewelry in the house. So they beat him up because they wanted, they thought these people had cash and jewelry in the house. So then they start looking from room to room to room in the house if these people have cash and jewelry. And you know, this couple, they had a doorman. And the doorman was in one of the room.

So when the three guys opened the door, the doman came out and beat him, all three, right? They ran to the police. And the police went, and you know what they did? They find the steel, the bloody couple, steel, tied up down to the chair. You know what they did? They arrest the dog. Well, that's the moral I take from that story.

Dobermans are racist. This is like... This is like... But again, it's not... We're not objecting to this because they're Africans. We love Africans. We're objecting it because they're robbers. Exactly.

If you let too many people in the country with no plan for how they are going to live, of course, some of them are going to turn to crime. They want to eat. They have to be. And they want to survive. Right.

And of course, look, for eons in this country, that has been a way you advanced. Scarface came over on the Mario boat lift in 1980 from Cuba and how did he get ahead? Say hello to my little friend. And the mafia. I mean, that's how you get ahead when you're an immigrant in this country

and you feel like it's almost your entitlement because the country's treating you so badly. It's like, you know what, then fuck you. I'll get into crime and I'll beat you at your own game. And they often did. The Irish did it too. And the Jews, Bugsy Siegel and, you know, Meyer Lansky and, you know, every ethnic group that's treated,

I mean, there's mafias of every Mexican mafia, the Chinese. Excuse me, we invented this. No, no, I know. I said the Godfather and yeah, I mean, the Godfather is a great movie, partly because it's so understandable, especially in Godfather 2. You know, when you see him coming to America and how, why he does what he does, that's the genius of great filmmaking, I think, is we understand why he is who he is and he's not a bad person. He does bad things. But he's not a bad person.

Plus they get a little help from the Vatican. Well, that's Godfather 3. I'm sorry. What are you saying about the Vatican? Oh, the Vatican. Well, that's Godfather 3. I'm sorry. What are you saying about the Vatican? Oh, the Vatican is started, you know. Were you raised Catholic? Yes, I was. Are you still? No.

How old were you when you threw it away? 80 years old. Eight? My parents said, you know, you're like, you're an angel up to 80 years old. Then you did your first communion and the next morning you woke up and you were like. I remember first communion.

Yeah. I remember training for it, being traumatized by it, by the training. We had to go after school like for like months. Yeah. To learn to like this one day ceremony that was like, okay, you walk to the head of the thing and the old pervert like fucking taps you on the head

or sticks something on your tongue or God knows what the fuck it was. I was so, I was once so like traumatized by this thought of going to catechism training that I rammed my head into something at home to get out of going. So I had a bloody head. I know.

No, I was like, you know, I was really good until I was eight years old, and then I had the first communion, and then the next day I turned like into the Antichrist. The next day. My parents, they go like, what happened to you? And you know, for three years, because my parents sent me to school at five years old,

so in case I lost one year, I would be normally go to school at six. Really, six? Six? That's pretty late. Six years old. In Italy, you don't go to school until you're six? Well, you go to kindergarten first,

and then you go at six years old, you go to school. I think six, we were by, I think we were in second grade by then. Oh, it's a, we have five years, then three years, and then five other years of like, like high school, and then you go to college. So you do 13 years, that's kindergarten and design. So why do you think you never felt at home in Italy?

What was it about Italy? I know they're mama's boys. Yeah. 60 Minutes once did a story about all the grown up Italian men who live with their mothers. My morning, yep. It's, I'm telling you. What's that about?

My morning is like, you know, you live with your mom and they put everything... Why? ...including, it's the mentality, it's the old mentality, they go race and the mother spoiled... I thought they were such macho, you know, Lofarious, pinching asses. No, you know, not everyone. Not everyone. So they pinch ass and then they go home to their mother?

I know, but you know, it's like a lot of this guy, the mother, everything for them. Everything cooks for them, worship them. So you know, it's like even when they get married or they find a girl of their... We have people like that in America who like to enjoy the generosity of their mother's cooking and their mother's laundry service and their mother's bed. They're called millennials. No, I'm joking of course. They're called Gen Z.

But yeah, but in Italy it's like, see here it's I think frowned upon. It's like, oh come on, get out of the house. You're in your mother's basement, loser. But in Italy, it's not because it's just the way of life, right? Real life, and it's so used to it. What do the women think of that? They must be... There's a major, there was a major, you know, confrontation and fight between the women and the mother and the mothers because, you know, of course, you know, the woman wants to be the first.

Of course. If I marry you, or if I'm your girlfriend, I should come first, and not second. And no one is ever going to do it as good as your mother. I'm talking about hand jobs, of course. No, I mean cooking. Right. And laundry and that.

Right, it's your mother. Right. But I mean, Christ. You know, there's a time you become a man and you cut the umbilical cord and you go and you do your life. And a lot of, I tell you Bill, when I left Italy, all my friends are saying, are you crazy?

It's like, why are you leaving? You know, you have a very comfortable life in Italy. You know, it's like your parents are great. They have a, you know, father of a big company. You don't have to worry about it for the rest of your life. I say, I don't care. I'm living because I don't like the mentality. It's too old mentality.

I've been around the world, so I have a war mentality. I've been in America many times. And the only time I felt, I swear to you, the first time I came to the United States, I was 13 years old. And soon I got off the plane, I go like, oh my God, I feel home. I felt that way when I came here.

You know, I was raised on the East Coast, lived in New York. Well, I grew up in New Jersey, then lived in New York when I started my career. So then I came out here, I felt like, oh, you know, it's not funny, we're animals. We know where home is. Same thing when you buy a house. Like, oh, yeah, I'm supposed to live here.

You're right. It's not because you're born in that place, you belong to that place. But you see the mentality, they were like, there was time, if I be crazy, you don't even speak the language, how are you gonna survive? I'm like, that's it?

I mean, language isn't going to stop me. Stop you? I'm sure not that you needed help getting laid. No, I'm not saying that. But I'm sure it was, and you know, women love American women. It's like you could have been 10 times less attractive as you are physically, and it still would have been a great asset.

You still would have, British accents, but especially Italian, oh, it's just, talk about a panty wetter. Yeah, but you know, it's like a lot of people in Europe, especially, I mean, in Italy or France, they think it's like, okay, you know, it's like I don't speak English, or my English is very limited. How I'm gonna survive?

How I'm gonna make a living? How I'm gonna find a job? You know, it's, they have that very close mentality also because you know what's the different between European and American? Then I saw right away, in Europe, they always keep you, oh, you're not smart enough. You're stupid.

You're this, you're that. They keep you low, right? And also they have tests along the way that if you don't pass, like the baccalaureate in France, you take it like when I think you're 16. Your future is completely decided from that moment on. You're either now gonna become a tradesman or you're gonna go to college and become something else.

That is what, again, is great about America. Exactly. Also because we don't, you can always reinvent yourself. Exactly. In this country. And in America, they're like, oh, I think I can do this, this, and this. And America's like, OK, do it.

Exactly. Do it. You know, show me. It's like, they give, especially the young generation, you know, they give opportunity to everybody in Europe. In Europe, the mentality is so old, and you know, like the people on top, they are like, oh, you know, you're too young and too stupid.

We're the old one, we're the wise one, and we know what's better for you, okay? So we're gonna tell you, because you're too stupid, okay, to think for your own. We are the wise one, and we're gonna tell you. So they have all this. Yeah, but we just said that it was the kids who were marching for Hamas who are dumb and stupid, and we do need the older ones

sometimes to actually do that. It's a mix. You need the energy of the young, but let's not pretend that they are wiser. Now, older people can do stupid things, and they certainly can do corrupt things. But in general, I would rather have my fate in the hands of somebody who's lived. Yeah, definitely.

I mean, I'm talking about. I wouldn't want a young doctor, would you? Would you want a doctor who's 30? No, you want an older doctor, somebody who is wise and who did a lot. I want a doctor who's seen it 5,000 times. Yes. But you know, it's not so much that.

It's like anything you do over in Europe from a young age, you know, it's like they, any dream you have, that's the beauty of America, any dream you have, you can. Yes, you can. You can. Over there, it's like, no, we think you're smarter than everybody else, you think, you know, like they dungray you, they make you,

like, no, you can't do it, you can't. Where here, it's like, show me. That's the big difference between, so when I came to America, I was like, number one, America was, back then, was so far ahead of Europe in technology. I mean, I remember the first time I came to an American airport, it was like, oh my God, this was unbelievable, you know, futuristic technology. And my father was into, like, he was a top, top engineer, so he loved technology. And my father was into, like, he was a top, top engineer.

So, he loved technology. And I remember he used to come to America also to see different kinds of assembly line, because, you know, my father was one of the second or third men in the world to build assembly line. The first one was Ford, is the guy who invented Converse. Okay? That one was Ford, is the guy who invented Converse. So then, back then, he was coming to America

to see all the new stuff, if there is some new stuff. But then, 20 years later, I said, Dad, why you don't go anymore to America? They go in technology, now we are more advanced. Really? Yes. We are more advanced. Now they come to us. Italy was more advanced than America? In certain field, yes.

In certain field, yes. Like, you know... That's not mostly where... I mean America... Like, let's say in a house domestic, okay? There was a company named Zanussi then became Phillips and it was at one point, you know, with my father assembly line, they were making just refrigerator, 13,000 refrigerator a day.

And you know, and at that point, there was no company around the world that were making that kind of, you know, numbers every day. And this company was selling refrigerator, washing machine, dryers, you name it, all over the world. So back in the beginning was Whirlpool, but then Whirlpool came like followed back in their, you know, they were not so advanced with their assembly line and conveyors, and I'm telling you, it's like a lot of, and the German, the same,

you know, it's like all of a sudden, you know, like, I mean, come on, you know, German engineer, you know, you know. But Germany and Italy are so different. But you know what, it's in a lot of field, let's say, because I grew up in that, you know what, it's in a lot of field, let's say, because I grew up in that business with my father, let's say all the wheels, all the most beautiful wheels in the world,

they were made in Italy. And so the German, they would buy all the Italian wheels to put on German cars. So, and a lot of things, some stuff, they were like wings of a jet fighter. They were made of section in Italy, in Torino. And then sold to the French and to the English Mirage, you know, the fighter jet.

So there was a lot of things in Italy back then. They were like, I had some other country. the fighter jet. So there was a lot of things in Italy back then. They were like, I had some other country. As a matter of fact, I mean, look at, why you think also the German, they bought all the, they bought Lamborghini, they bought, you know, Ducati and all the... I got a joke for you on this.

Yes. So what's the difference between heaven and hell? In heaven, the Italians are the lovers, the Germans are the mechanics, the British are the police, the French are the cooks. In Hell, the Germans are the police, the Italians are the mechanics,

and the British are the lovers. Oh, that's funny. That's a good one. Yeah, it's even more elaborate than that. I couldn't remember it, but somebody wrote that joke a long time ago. It was just genius. Like it had five different countries involved

and it was just like, yeah, and hell, the British are the cooks. That's what it was. Because, yeah. That's funny. But I was in Rome when I was 21, when I was, you know, the backpack Europe trip with no money and your college girlfriend, you're in love and you have no money. That says it all about life, right?

You know, you go through life and it's like, boy, could you replicate that experience at this age? No. No. But things compensate. I think we live probably one of the best time. You know? Definitely. People have no idea how lucky they are.

It is not corny or conservative to say you are lucky to live in this country and at this time with all its problems. I mean, there's such a cognitive dissonance between privileged people always complaining about privilege. You know, like the most richest, whitest people are always like, Bill, what are we gonna do? And I'm like, look around.

You're gonna pay your $800 dinner bill for three people. That's what you're gonna do. Things look fine from here. And yes, could shit go bad tomorrow? They absolutely could. But I'm not gonna get nervous about it until it happens. I just can't do it anymore. No.

But you're right. It's like people don't understand how lucky, especially Americans, they don't understand how lucky they you know, especially American, they don't understand how lucky they are. They do not. They don't. They do not. You know who does? The immigrants.

That's why Trump is gaining with immigrants all the time. He does better and the Democrats do worse. Because immigrants do not like the relentless negativity that is coming from the left about a country they work so hard to get to. They don't wanna see it shit upon. We wanted to, you know, it's like imagine working, walking a thousand miles or whatever it takes to get here.

And this place sucks. Loser, oh, you walked to get here. Oh, well, I guess the joke's on you. You're in shithole now. No, we came from the shithole. Exactly. Because, you know, immigrants, they saw that movie before. That's why they left.

Right. You know? So for us, it's like when we see all this policy, it's like our air stand up. They're like, you know what? Uh-uh. This is shit. They pulled long time ago in our country,

and we saw what, in our country, and we saw what happened to our country. Did you go back to Italy a lot? No. Never? You know, not just out of your city? You must have old friends, no? They come here.

Because they want it. They want it. You see, this country has so much to offer. And so when they come over here, they really appreciate it. You know, it's a shithole now. It's everything is telling me. It's like, oh yes. It's not a shithole, but it's in the G7.

It's, oh yeah, it's like. Well, come on, it is still in the top 10 of the world's economies. Come on. They all left, they all left. These are facts. No. These all left. They all left. These are facts. No.

These are facts. As a matter of fact, why you think, okay, that's why a lot of people in Italy now, they're going crazy because they move a lot of their company in Russia. Really? Yes. To Russia?

And Putin, and I'm talking about big companies, some of the biggest companies, because tax, tax, tax, you know the government takes 75%, they want a 75 cents of every single dollar you make. And- Italy has always had- Yeah, and no deduction. They switch governments like I switch neck ties.

I mean, and they flirted with communism in the 70s. I mean, they were- Yes, I know they were very, Italy was very, very close to being a communist country. That would have changed a lot of things. To have Italy, one of the pillars of Western civilization, go communist, the Red Brigade, I'm sure you remember. Was it? I lived during that time.

You were in the Red Brigade? No, no, no, no, but you know what? They were going around a couple times. Oh, I'm sure. I was going that time. You were in the Red Brigade? No, no, no, no. But you know what? They were going around a couple of times. Oh, I'm sure. I was going to school. I had to dodge under the car, me and my friend, because they were shooting. Right.

No, it was crazy. It was crazy. And you know, the Red Brigade, they got more. Or, you know, it was like one of the. And then, you know, that politician, and then they find chopped up in the trunk of a car. Yes. I lived all that stuff. Right. So I remember, you know, that politician, then they find chopped up in the trunk of a car. I lived all that stuff.

So I remember, you know. Well, I saw it down at Humberto's Clam House. Well, there was a lot of mafia in Little Italy and New York. I remember when I lived in New York in 79, it was the picture on the front page of the Daily News of, you know, with the cigar still in his mouth and the blood pouring out on the floor of the restaurant.

Was it Humberto's? It was someplace like that. It was just like, you know, a place I'd been to and we all could be at any time. And just, who was it? I think it was Carmine Galanti, I don't know. But the days of mafia rub rubouts, those were good. Well, listen.

Let me tell you, but in the big company, they moved to Russia. Now, Putin took all this company away from the English people, from the Italian people. Because the Italian, they can't build anything because they get taxed so much. So the company they went on, a lot of companies, the big you know they they can't build anything because you know like they get taxed so much so the company they went on you know a lot of company the big one they left and they They opened their plan in Russia and now they're screwed because Putin so now they're mine

where they took the company away and Happened to the English and happened to the French So Right now there is no way you can do business in Italy. You can open a business, you can have a business. As a matter of fact, look at them. Except Ferrari, or the very prestigious company in Italy, they all got bought by the German.

So, Lamborghini, Ducati, I mean, you name it, okay? by the German, so Lamborghini, Ducati, I mean, you name it, okay? They all got bought by the Audi, Volkswagen Porsche Group. And they own it. So they do the engine in Germany, and they still do the bodies of the cars and wheels in Italy. But otherwise, all the rest of the stuff is long gone.

You're such an interesting guy to talk to. Oh, thanks. All right, I got to go back to my real job. But come back here some night. Definitely. I would love. Even when the camera isn't on. Definitely. We'll just do the exact same thing.

Yes. But, you know, us... We can go and party like the old days. We're the only two unmarried, childless... You don't like kids either, right? I don't mind kids from the other people. I mean, I can play with kids, but then, you know, it's like... I can't even do that.

I know. All right. Thank you. I have my book for you. That was fun. Glad I got... Okay, I'm glad I got to know you. I have my book for you. That was fun. Glad I got you. Okay, I'm glad I got you.