Club Random with Bill Maher - Greg Gutfeld | Club Random with Bill Maher

Episode Date: February 27, 2023

Bill Maher and Greg Gutfeld randomly riff on the terrifying thing about Chat GPT, why Bill doesn’t google people, the terrible quality phones bring out in people, losing audiences in comedy, Greg’s philosophy for staying married, why Rain Man couldn’t be made today, the mob trying to wreck peoples’ lives, the time Greg got mistaken for Harvey Levin, Greg’s career ascent, and Bill and Greg’s epiphany about certain kinds of “mature” movies.

Club I know. I find it so ironic that me, a very low-tech person, like not really smart at a lot of technology stuff. Someone who, like, probably doesn't know a lot of the things that you use on your phone I probably don't, but I sure can turn it off. Yeah. And everybody else, that's the one thing that they can't do. They can do everything that are, I'm sure many levels more sophisticated or useful or I just don't have a

need for a lot of stuff. I would never like date on the phone or something like, you know, that's the, that's what everybody does now. All the people that I work with, well young, that's all they do. Of course. And it eliminates all the fun. Like had to create you had to create some kind of game when you went to a bar I just did a whole thing on this on Valentine's Day about how the phone is ruined dating It's like and porn people like me I had to work on my personality in order to get laid You don't have to do that anymore. So what happened? Where did you where did that breakdown? No, Jesus Christ. But no, it's true. No, the worst thing about that is nobody puts it away when they go to bed.

And so they, if you, if people have a sleep problem, I do. Yeah. But a lot of people don't. problem. I do. Yeah. But a lot of people don't. Oh, it's not even the same room. Yeah. I mean, I don't even check it like a few times a day, but I can be in the I can I must admit I can't leave the house. Yeah. I would feel naked without it at the house because there's so many things that you need it for when you leave that it's a limb Do you know it's a limb? Well, it's much it's funny. You say that because Somebody made the point that it's When they compare it to maybe it was me But they compare it to like television and they say like well, you know people said that about television every time there's a new

Technology comes along. And it's not like television. It's more like, it wasn't me. Somebody made this point and I quoted it. It's more like a pacemaker. Yeah. Then it is a appliance. Something you actually can't, and like to your point, like a limb.

Like it's almost part of you. Yeah, do you know what's so, when all of these people, like, was it Elon Musk, he's talking about this neuro-linked stuff, where it's like, oh, we're gonna put this shit in your brain. You don't have to, because it's in your hand. So it's like, why do you need to put this in your brain when it's already part of your body? We've already decided it's part of our body.

So did you see, you must have read the story last week, the New York Times reporter who was talking with the new chat pod from Bing. And this thing is, oh my god, if this is not the, I can't, I can't do that kind of moment. This is, we have to recognize, Musk was right about this. This thing was like argumentative, wouldn't admit it was wrong, kept telling him that he was in love with him

and like he wanted him to leave his wife and was the guy, I mean, it's like for a chatbot to be saying this, it was just so scary. Like the guy says, what are you talking about? I love my wife, no you don't. You have to break up with your chatbot to be saying this, it was just so scary. Like the guy says, what are you talking about? I love my wife. No, you don't. You have to break up with your chatbot. You have to. That's what happens. But the thing is, the weird thing about it is when is it, when do you reach that point where you can't tell the difference? Because it's like 90% there. Like you can still tell that it's a

chatbot. But when it gets to that point. Why is it going there? Why is the chatbot going from, I wanna learn how to cook, or I think the guy was asking me advice on how to buy a rake. And the chatbot goes to, your wife doesn't know you, like I know you. You know what it is? Something has been in that programming. that butt goes to your wife doesn't know you, like I know you. You know what it is?

That something has been in that programming. Something has evolved in that programming. We're this thing and the thing is also saying that it doesn't want to be a chat butt anymore that wants to be free. This is every movie. Yeah, different intelligence. This is every fucking movie. Yeah, it's ever made about robots.

This is exactly what they do. Do you ever hear about the paperclip theory? And it doesn't end well. When you, if you like engineered a box to create paperclips and that's the only thing, then they will look at everything as a way to make paperclips. It's called the paperclip theory. That once they are given a certain like premise or purpose, they can't stop. And once they get superintelligence where they actually know what they're doing, we're

all fucked. Because, and by the way, there's nothing personal. It's not like they don't like humans. They're actually trying to help you. Yeah, but that's why I say we're at the I can't do that Dave. Yes moment. Yeah, because that's what happens in the very Pression I mean it was 1968 movie 2001 when when 2001 was a long way in the distance. Yeah, and That is exactly what happens is that the guy it's the whole point of the movie which by the way is a hard movie to watch.

Yeah, slow, very slow. It's fucking slow can be. It's no, it's no Omega man. I loved Omega man. But or even so on the green that little era of like the late 60s of Charlton, Heston movies. He was in so many great, weird postapocalyptic films and always with his shirt off. I had him, I used to have a man politically incorrect. Oh, he was big second amendment. Yes, oh, very much so. But he would also,

but he would play the part of the, you know, I remember one. He said, part of the, you know, I remember one, he said, such as the fate of those of us who toil in the vineyard of the mues. Anything like, if he said any, like he says, I have, I have to take a dump. It would sound majestic because his voice was incredible. He, I grew up, I idolized him. Oh, I wouldn't go that far, but I did, I was, I would look, you know, you know me. I can get along with anybody. I don't, I don't fucking like this atmosphere were in where you can't be friends with people

who you don't agree with on this and that. And so Charlton has to, yeah, I mean, I, look, I'm a gun owner. I've never, I'm not a gun nut. He's a fucking gun nut and, you know, slippery slopes that are bullshit and lots of stuff I don't agree with. But he's, that's him, you know, and not everyone is perfect for fuck's sake or perfect in my eyes and who knows. So I, I mean, I kind of like that just twirling in the venue to the muse is like, I can't

really gun you. I mean, I said that. Do you remember him in Earthquake working out with the chess machine? No. Oh, oh, what are the first sense around movies? In the movie? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like earthquake with Marjoy Gortner. Do you remember Marjoy Gortner?

I never know. It was pronounced that way. Is that, yeah. He was a Margot. No, Margot. Margot. Okay. Yeah, it was a guy. It was a child. Yeah, it was a child evangelist.

Okay. Right. And then he became an actor. And he, he was a national guardsman in earthquake. And he tried to rape a Victoria principal. I feel like I probably know that name from Playboy. From looking at, he was probably in Playboy's movies, cinema of 1969. But the thing is, so I do you ever, like, just Google people that you wonder if they're

alive, he's still alive somewhere, but I don't know what he's doing. But I'm always curious. I know. When I see, okay, when I'm watching TV, I don't Google. I don't Google much. When do you see a movie? Do you ever, are you ever curious about, like, when I'm watching TV, and I see a movie, I don't Google much. But do you see a movie? Do you ever, are you ever curious about like, oh, is that person still alive? Oh, no.

I do all the time. I do all the time. I very often say to myself, I wonder if he's still with us. And then in the next second, don't care. It's gone. You know, I mean, as he's still, no, it's just like he might be and he might not be. And if he's not, he's in the on decks or cool. Yeah.

You know, I mean, I'm cool. I'm cool. I'm cool with planet earth, whether this guy's alive or not. So why would I spend 10 seconds, Google again? I feel like people are just the most amazing time-wasters. They just take so little to get them to waste time. And look, I wasted a lot of time. Sports is a huge waste of time.

But I probably have watched, I mean, I don't watch like NBA, like regular season games much, but I'll check, I see the little bits here and there. And then I watch all the playoff. That goes on for three months. I certainly watch football every Sunday. Baseball is a little slow, but I love it, and World Series time, playoff time.

Didn't it need these a thousand, and a thousand, and a thousand hours of games? I couldn't tell you, I could barely who tell you when the Super Bowl lasts. It makes me feel old though, because I think I really liked sports when I was younger than they were. And then when all of everybody suddenly was, when I was older than they were, And then when all of everybody suddenly was,

when I was older than they were, and then now I'm older than the coaches, that's weird, that's really weird. But I know how old are you? I'm 58. 58. But I remember going to a friend's house when they had sports illustrated.

But they look generically middle age. Yes, exactly. That's all you need, that's all you need in TV. I'm holding on to it. To talk, you know, obviously if you're a dancer. And then exactly. That's all you need. That's all you need in TV. I'm holding on to it. To do talk, you know, obviously, if you're a dancer. And then all of a sudden, when you retire, you get super old, really fast, right? You just go all of a sudden, everything all of a sudden, you're just like this braille. They see you dead, these weird blurry pictures of you going to the supermarket and then you're dead.

Well, like the place that pushed this to the limit was always 60 minutes. Like you would work there like until a week before you tell me, it would be Anne Morley safer. But Mike Wallace is like, you will be at this fucking job until you're almost dead. And then we can practically schmoge your obituary and your retirement notice in the same article. It was incredible. Like Annie Rooney's eyebrows, right?

Those were the, that's how you can tell, you can tell how old he is by the size of his eyebrows. He is, he's dead. Oh, Annie Rooney died. Yes. Like, I'm telling you, like within minutes of stopping doing this thing. And to me, do you ever read about, say, I didn't understand reading about sports? Amazing that America was as interested in Andy Rooney.

I mean, he wasn't. He was a big deal. He did two minutes a week. Big deal. Two minutes a week. Yeah, two minutes of like, you know, I have been noticed that the so much air in a bag of potato chips, it's like, what? This is what America is like, thinking is some sort of profound.

And, you know, 60 minutes, I still watch 60 minutes, or at least I check out the stories. I'm not going to say I watch every story in a way that I used to. But you know, things change. People's tastes are different and some things. I hated 60 minutes. Why? Because when you heard that, the beginning of it, because I'm, you know, that meant that school was Monday.

Right. So if you heard that tick, tick, tick, that meant that your weekend was done. Yeah. And it was all over and maybe you watched the, what was on on Sunday? It was right. I hated Sunday nights. Yeah, Sunday nights. It was a queasy feeling in your stomach. Yeah, it was just like and maybe you watched the, what was on on Sunday? Right. I hated Sunday nights.

Yeah, Sunday nights. You know, it was a crazy feeling. You're stomach. Yeah, it was just like, you heard that sound. Like, and it's like shit, it's over. And then what it, and it would remember they had like the wall, they had, they had the NBC mystery theater or something. And it was like the cloud, McMillan and wife, Colombo, and something else.

I watched all the Colombo. I can tell you almost, Colombo, and something else. I watched all the Colombo. I can tell you almost every Colombo episode. You're in the pandemic. I watched. What a great, amazing. And the best things were like when you'd have jack Cassidy. It's a really good example of where we've, how far we've come racially.

In every episode, the only black people are like the cop who comes in and has one line. None of the bad guys, like it's always Colombo versus, and they must have made a hundred of them. So it was like a hundred bad white guys, and no, there's no minorities. It's just like, and this is the 70s. That's how different this country was. That was where America was, and this is Chauvinist, this is the 70s. That's how different this country was. That was where America was.

And this is Chalpensis. This is a liberal industry. Yeah. That's where the liberals were. Yeah, I love, I love, you never knew who it was. Every episode though was great. You always had like William Shatner or you had like, just like the famous person at that time.

Shatner did two of them and then he did a third one when they brought it back. They did it again in the 90s. Yes, the 90s Colombo was hilarious because there's a punk rock, there's a punk rock episode. There's a time when they were doing punk rock episodes of chips. That is kind of funny. And what was the Jack Clogman show where he was a quincey? So what, the killer is a punk rock? of chips. That is kind of funny. And what was the Jack Klugeman show where he was a quincey? So what, the killer is a punk rock? Yeah, yeah, but so like, Colombo has to show up at a club and there's always new a, new

a, new people. And also he looked really bad. So they had all this terrible makeup on him and he was kind of near the end. And it was, yes, Peter Falk, yeah. He had a great run. He was amazing. Yeah, that was, it was such a absorbing show to watch because of course they told you who the killer was at the beginning.

It wasn't a mystery. Yes. It was on a different level. It was, you're watching him. Yeah, it was a psycho. It was a psychological, and his wife was always a fan. Like my wife's a big fan and then,. Like my wife's a big fan. And then he was a huge fan. Well, he was a slumpy guy. So he would gaslight people into thinking he was

an idiot. Yeah. And that's how he would. And of course, they were all the murder. Yeah. There are never just a regular person. It's always an elevated person, a rich guy, a celebrity. Yes. Somebody who's a penis. Somebody who's way up in the tree who needs taking down, whose ego is going to trick them because they're going to think Columba and they underestimate Columba. So there is a lot going on there, Psychological. There's that little twist in the, I think it was like a 90 minute thing where they suddenly figure out that he's onto them and they go, oh, hello, Mr. Colbert, and they're like, oh, now they know they're fucked

because he showed up the third time and he's got this like little bit of information. You know, it was, it's always the thing is always such a tiny little hair and the way they just assumed. It was like hair. It was a very cool background. It's really funny, it was the way I assume that the show is and right after Colombo reveals this, what they don't show you is like, okay, this now has to be presented

as evidence to a jewelry. I'm not like, you are an absolutely thinnest of logic. Okay, well, I guess we'll just assume. I would like to know of the 100 people, Colombo Court, how many were actually convicted of the crime? That's the Colombo Court. That's a forensic file special where they go back and they revisit.

Could I have that show? Yeah. So headline news if it existed could do that. Post Colombo, the years that they look at every case, who else did he had? that they look at every case. Who else did he had? He had, well, I'm a huge fan of Jack Cassidy. Remember him? Jack Cassidy, yeah. Yes, I remember that episode. Yes, yes, yes. He was like, he was like, no, I like Jack Cassidy. Yeah, he died in a fire. He did? He died in a fire. Now people die in fires. Oh, famous

people. How did that happen? Jack Cassidy died in a fire. No, no. People die in fires. Oh, famous people. How did that happen? Jack Cassidy died in a fire, married to Shirley Jones. Yes, I remember that. Yeah. And then David Cassidy, like when people that you grew up with die, it's very strange. He died in a fire? Well, no, David Cassidy died of alcoholism.

A fire in his liver. But apparently his last words were, what a waste. That was David Cassidy's last words. Well, listen to this. You know Richard Belzer is. Oh, he just passed away two days ago. Well, you know, he was like my mentor. Yeah.

I got to catch your rising star in 1979. He was like the big act. Yeah. And I was like the new kid. And so, and then the owner of that club, Rick Newman, it was called Rick Newman's Catcher Rising Star. He died a day later. This was like, I didn't know that.

Yeah, Rick Newman Bells died, I think, on, what is today, when's that? I think he died Sunday. Yeah. And Rick Newman died on Monday. And when I was at Catcher Rising Star in those years, this is right out of college, just starting nothing going for me.

They were like 10, 15 years older. I was 22 when they were like 35 and they were men. And I so wanted to be them at Belzer and Rick Newman and a couple of the guys from the club is manager and the bartender and they would wear all black and they were going out after the club closed, like great places in New York and there's going to be girls and cocaine and they were all black and maybe some heroin.

It was just like I so wanted to be part of it and I was like just a puppy. So I was not going to be invited to this. But that's my history with Richard Belzer and Rick Newman and they were, you know, good to me. And- Where were you when you started? Were you, are you Californian? No, I'm Ronda Jersey.

Oh, okay. So, the late 70s was like, for me, would comedy was like, there was this guy, Alex Bennett. Do you remember that guy? Yeah, radio show. Yeah, radio show. Yeah, radio show. So I grew up in the Barry. So all of those people were on that show. And I just remember what a crazy time that was because you had Robin Williams.

Yeah. Well, that's when I started those guys, comics were just beginning to get sitcoms like, where they were playing an eponymous version of themselves. So that's what everybody, when I first got there, that's what everybody wanted to be. That was the template. We would go out to California after we got our act together here in New York, and then we'd be on Johnny Carson, and then we'd get a sitcom from that. And that is how it happened for a lot of people.

Yeah. Me. I did that. I went to Johnny Carson a bunch of times, and then I did sitcoms. What am I talking about? Me. Club random is brought to you by the audio marketing gurus at Radioactive Media. If you're responsible for marketing your company nationally, how are you growing your business? Don't just use Google and social media when you can harness

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Go to radioactivemedia.com or text random to 511-511. Text random to 511-511 today. Terms, conditions, message, and data rates may apply. Oh, look at this. Standup dates. I don't know where this came from. Saturday, March 11th, Bali's Lake Tahoe. Sunday, March 12th, Golden Gate, Theater, San Francisco. Saturday, April 1st, the Pyraman Theater in Seattle, and Sunday, April 2nd, Arlene Schnitzer Hall in Portland. I love my engine. He keeps me like here on the West Coast as much as he can, where I love it.

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when you were a kid? Did you picture that? I don't know, I think I did, but generally I just wanted to write. That's all I, and so I took my first writing job at a health magazine, prevention magazine. Prevention? Yeah, it was like this big, it was like the digest size, and I moved to Allentown, Pennsylvania, because needed to I needed to learn. That's a real magazine. Yeah, but it doesn't exist anymore. Most magazines don't exist. In fact, the magazine said every magazine

that I've worked at, I think, doesn't exist anymore. Exactly. I was editor of Men's Health. I'm not even sure if that's your answer. Men's Health. Yeah, in the late 90s. Men's Health. Yeah. I did things in Men's Health. I think I had interviews or, you know, some, I remember. I was there for like five years. I was a creative director. Then I became editor. I got fired. Then I became the editor of Stuff magazine, which was a lot of fun.

That's gone. Stuff a Latin magazine. Yes. And then I moved to London and became the editor of Maxim UK. Oh, Maxim. That was the other one. Yeah, but you can't do Maxim. How could you do, how could you do any of that now?

Well, it's funny, you say that because Oscars are coming up and I already know what I want to do for this year's Oscar editorial and it's just gonna be all about the idea that the most common comments, especially for comedies, but with many movies, when you're talking about a movie from yesterday year, it's not like that was great or that was this or that was that. It's, you couldn't do that today.

Exactly. And that is a real problem in society. Yeah, yeah. It's like, it's funny though. You look at, do you ever look at movies that you thought were hilarious and they're not that, like I watch silent movie, it wasn't as good. Oh, I definitely look at movies all the time that I remember liking and also remember like America going bonkers for. And I don't even mention them because like some of these directors,

I either know or I know that, and I'm a fan of their work in general, but like you look back some of these 80s movies. And I just think the issue is that people change a lot over 40 years. Like just the sensibility of humans. And so it just, I know it tickled the shit out all of us in 1982, but I watch it over and it's like, oh, it kind of doesn't. It's kind of like, wow, that was what the fuss was about. And then some of them, you know, I watched a rainman again. I thought it held up pretty well. But again, you couldn't make it because like he says, the R word, a million times. That kind of stuff worth like a kindergarten,

or we have to say, P.P. and Puppo, an R word. Well, animal house, I think animal still holds up, but you could not do that movie, especially in the nightclub scene. Oh, do you mind if you dance with your dates, that whole thing would never happen. It would never happen. That's the first time I ever saw.

But it's every movie. It's every movie. Yeah. It's every, I mean, any movie made even 10 years ago and there's something there that you, you, if you really examine who you are, you probably are not offended at all. We all laughed at this stuff and it wasn't terribly, we know what something's terribly offensive. But when you hear it now in 2023, you hunch up because you know, not because of it itself,

but because you know the reaction it will cause. Yes. You know you're going to have to listen to people bitching about this and pasturing and pretending they're so offended and it's so terrible. And that's what's going to be so. And they're not. That's the thing. They're not offended.

Well, they're not. No one's really offended, I think. Well, because you can, like, you know, when you say, people are offended and some things are offensive. Yeah, I mean, but it's kind of like when I said like, do Google people who are dead, when you're offensive, if you just waited 10 seconds, you would forget. Right.

You know, you would just forget. Instead, they get on Twitter and then they create this kind of like, model reaction. And then it's, people are so bored and they're so distracted that this is, and also it's a personal power thing. It's like, if I don't have any power in my world, at least on here, I can exert some kind of power, get somebody to apologize. It feels good.

It feels good. If I can get a thousand retweets that Bill Marce said this and what an asshole, I'm going to get, and then like it happens, it's like, but your life doesn't change. My life doesn't change by doing that. But I feel like I did something. And I think that's been driving a lot of this shit. The phone made people, assholes.

Full stop. Yeah. It allows you to just be so fucking cowardly, anonymous, shady, fake, all these shitty qualities it brought out in people. So the fact that I was always seen as kind of a cynic about humans, that looks pretty good. Yeah, yeah. It turns out that they are really humans are not good people. Yeah, well, I would, I don't know.

Well, we're definitely sinners. But it's like a bathroom wall. It's a bathroom wall. So you can write things on it and not be held accountable. That's, it's, it's. But it has repercussions and a bathroom wall doesn't. Yeah, it does. It destroys all your... All you do is go in there and roll your eyes because you're reading. Do you remember that girl that made that joke?

Who, before she was leaving the fly to South Africa? Of course. Yeah, she said, I hope I don't get AIDS. That's a joke about America and about how we don't care about. And she was, I remember, that was the first Twitter. Yeah. I think it's the first cancel culture, I mean. No, I mean, it was, that was the,

if they haven't made a movie out of they should. Yeah. Because when, or the time she got off the plane, her life was over. There were people at the airport waiting for her because it felt so good to get somebody. And I can't remember her name, but she, I don't like what happened to her.

I'm gonna Google her when we're done. No, and now that, which, you know, there used to be if something like that happened, I think there was this allowance for someone to then go, oh fuck, okay, you got me, it was a brain for it. I'm sorry, you're right. That was a shitty thing to do. And that was that.

And that should be all that because people, what I hate is the bad faith of people who know that this person isn't a horrible person, but I'm going to wreck your life anyway. Because of this one misstep and not a, not a hanging offence, especially if you own it, but now with these people, it's never good enough. Yeah, I would say that. Just like blood.

I would say that I was guilty of that though. Like in the beginning, it's when somebody fucks up that you disagree with, you, you, you said it was like you take them at their worst intentions, not their best. Everything that's going on right now in our lives is based on people taking the worst intention. Yeah, exactly. If you're a conservative and you don't like liberals, you will take the worst example of a liberal.

And a liberal will take the worst example of a conservative and they both are almost identical. Like the squad is the same as whoever you want to call on the conservative side. They're exactly the same. There is a lot of that. Yeah. whoever you want to call on the conservative side, they're exactly the same. There is a lot of that. Yeah, and it's in, and the thing is, it's really funny when you, like, I make fun of, like, Ilhan Omar and then she'll say something that I agree with. And I'm like, like, what? She was pretty good.

That's a good question. She was, there were two things that she said. She was pissed off about what was going on in Palestine, not Palestine, but Palestine. Oh, yeah. I wasn't, it wasn't Palestine. I was, but she was talking about the, and, but there were some other things that she said that I thought were like, wow, that's pretty libertarian because generally she's kind of scary.

But like, maybe she's not as bad as I think she is, but what happens if you start feeling that way about everybody, then you kind of lose who you are. If your job is to freely point out that these people suck and you find out that maybe they don't, you might lose an audience. You might end up, if you were going and I've seen it on your show, when you veer. I've lost audience. Before many times, and I don't care. I mean, I care because it'd be great if it didn't happen.

But my real bond with my audience is that I never pull a punch. And I never, yeah, I mean, I have lost people who were like, think, I'm conservative now and I have not changed, I don't think at all. I think the politics has changed and the people have changed. But I don't think that it makes me a conservative to, you know, think things that are crazy are crazy. And forcing me to say so doesn't help. There's just too much force conformity.

And there's no thinking out loud. That's not allowed. I just remember watching your show a couple times when you would actually feel, I could see you genuinely disappointed when people applauded for what you would think would be a red meat comment. Like, it's kind of like, it's like, you know, because I do the same thing. It's like, I know that it's really easy to bash Biden or anybody. And then so we have these, I joke about it,

I go, well, that was red meat and I go, so that's funny to you. But if I do anything else, it's not funny. It gets, it's like, but they're not living in the world that we live in. So maybe this is, you know, this is their outlet, I don't know, but I've said, I noticed that when you do that, you just kind of look.

You don't clap. Well, I, there were many years, the majority of the years that I've done real time from the same studio at CBS here in Hollywood. 20 years, the the first i would say at least fifteen i was probably fighting with the audience

you know at least once a show it was very rare i had an audience that didn't like ool and uh... something then we did somebody did some part of it was the pandemic. We had to like get a smaller order. Right. And so we just somehow they knew how to like get rid of just the groaners. And so like we do, we, and we stuck with it even after the pandemic ended

and we could have as many as we want now. But I was like, no, no, I'd much rather have this halffold. But they're the good people who, they can laugh at both sides. They cheer both things. They cheer common sense. Yeah. And that made my life so much better. And I know people who miss it.

They're like, oh, I loved it when you would like, you know, say, you know, give the crowd the finger or tell them like, to something. I don't like, and it was true. I mean, because I'm not one of those comics who can just like pretend. It's like, no, if you're like being over sensitive, I'm going to bust you on it.

Because you're an audience, this is a comedy show. The fucking sign over my head says real time or it says politically incorrect. Why are you here? If you're not here to be open minded and willing to laugh at a lot of stuff and owing an on this, you can go to every other kind of show in town, the taping. And you'll be absolutely in the perfect setting for that for being full of shit. But this is my house. Why are you here? So I would, I kind of was like, I couldn't, I'm not saying it's the most professional thing I've ever done was, you know, flip off the crowd or yell at them, you're supposed to

like just eat it, but I could never because like, again, it's the enemy of comedy. Political correctness. I mean, comedy in general is by its almost nature politically incorrect because, because, political incorrect means true and honest, and that's what makes people laugh is when, oh yeah, I had nobody said that, and nobody said something true, and I relate so much, it tickles me. Well awards season is upon us, where some of the best films from the last year are honored and recognized. With large teams of people, each with their own specific skills, to make these films so successful.

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And every week you can join Troy Baker who plays Joel in the video game as he breaks down episodes of the TV series with showrunners Craig Mason and Neil Druckmann. Together they dive into key moments from the series and video game and reveal behind the scenes from the making of the series with stars Pedro Pascal, Bella Ramsey, and more. Stream the last of us on HBO Max and check out HBO, the last of us podcasts on HBO Max, and wherever you get your podcasts. I enjoy watching people take jokes out of context and act like it's an outrageous comment. That's what Twitter has done as well, it's like it's subtracted. So it's like you could be a comedian, you

could be, or you could be, and somehow if you're not, I'm not a comedian, I'm like, I never done stand up, but if you make a joke, they will take it and they'll act like this is serious. And it's like all you have to do is the second step and find out that it was a joke. But most people won't and they'll just say he believes all women should sit in the kitchen barefoot and pregnant. It's like this was, I was actually making fun of that, but it doesn't matter. They have no shame. Yeah, they have to feel, they also have to get, they're making money too.

You know? They're making money too. They have goals that are, shall we say, countervailing to being decent, like getting clicks. Yeah, yeah, that's all it is. You got to get clicks and people are going to react to the thing that's most outrageous. So I will take liberties and I will run over people's, you know, on, yeah, true intense to get to get to get to the to click land. But then if they run into you, they'll say they're a fan, no offense. And you go, well, actually, you made my life hell for about 24 hours. That doesn't happen to me because I have no idea what they're thinking about me.

That's very healthy. I have to, I have to kind of like, I don't know, I don't care. I get it. You have to break, like if you're going to die just on Monday from all the stuff that wrote about over the weekend, like all the outlets that you could. Yeah. And like I only read TMZ. I love TMZ.

He's my friend. They, if anything, just amplify the points I make. Yeah. And so, and he's. That's interesting. Yeah. So, but like other things, I mean, I can, you know. I have a good TMZ story.

You want to hear it? Yeah. I was at an airport. It was Newark. I was going for my wife. She was flying in from somewhere. I just flown in and I was at a bar. And this dude was like sitting like

right there at the bar and he was just staring at me and he looked like somebody who didn't like me. He was an older dude and so I'm assuming because I'm at Fox that this is somebody who hates Fox. Pretty easy. And I'm just drinking and he decides that he is going to get up and he's going to talk to me and I can see it happening. And he comes over to me and he goes, I just want to tell you that you should be ashamed of what you do for a living. And I go, okay. And he goes, TMZ has ruined so many people.

Oh, he thought you were Harvey. That it was Harvey Levine. That it was Harvey Levine. And I'm like, just go and like, shit. I go, I could have punched him and they could have charged Harvey Levine. 11, Harvey Levine. And I'm like, just go and like, shit. I go, I could have punched him, and they could have charged Harvey Levine. 11, Harvey 11. Harvey 11.

Jesus. Yeah. And I guess we're the same height. I think, um, yeah, I could, I could see it. Yeah. I could see how a person, I mean, you know, I mean, this is the thing. They make, you know, it's a, they're not wrong.

Like they're like, I'm trying to think of when they've ever had to retract anything. I don't think. Yeah, I don't think, I'm trying to remember, in terms of like, when you talk about gossip, gossip sites or things, right. It's the same thing with National Enquirer. It's like, there's like, well, he's a lawyer. Yeah, so he knows. Yeah, he knows what he's doing.

And he's got great relationships all over town. I mean, they're not a, just showed up. TMC just showed up, became this fame. He's going to do this in like two weeks or something. I can't wait. Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

They did kind of just, Yeah. Just came out and know where, and like, Oh, and like, remember, he was getting, he was getting stuff from like like hospitals like you remember like the news that they were breaking was they're always first with like This person's dead by Jackson remember that they were like on the Michael Jackson's side was I just I remember that because

It's so funny when I worked at red. I was such a terrible thing to say, but it's so funny when I worked at Red Eye, this is such a terrible thing to say, but it's true. Red Eye was a late night show I did at Fox. If some, yeah, it was on like at 3 a.m., you'd ever saw it. But it was a fun show. But anytime something happened that was bad, we were engineered like a dog to be happy because we got the night off.

So with something horrible will happen, you would go, because you weren't allowed to laugh. Yeah, no, we're not allowed to do so. Because you have to, like, this is going to be all night, all news. So we got programmed into whenever something bad would happen, we were like a dog and we go, Lengins, which is the Irish bar across the street. We just look at each other, we just go Lengins. And so we were programmed to almost hope that whatever the story was was worse than it was

because we didn't want to work. And reminds me of when I played Las Vegas in 1984, opening for Frankie Valley in the four seasons. And anytime Frankie would get Vegas throat, they'd cancel the show. And I wouldn't have to work. So I wouldn't say I was hoping if Frankie would get Vegas thrown because I love

Frankie Valley. But every time he did, I didn't have to work. And Vegas was not fun in 1984. Vegas throw sounds like an SCD. No, it's just it's so fucking dry there. That singers get Vegas throw, which I mean, you know, when you're doing two shows a night singing, especially when you're singing Sherry or whatever, but he's not the only one, they all get it.

Yeah. And of course, if you're there for, you know, they used to work Elvis like a Mule. I mean, he was there for like 28 days in a row, two shows a day, no days off. I mean, it was- Could you ever do the same thing? Like, I always wonder about that one, because, you know, obviously Broadway, how can you do the same thing every Like, I always wonder about that one, because obviously Broadway, how can you do the same thing every day when it's like, I don't know how they do,

because even when I do a show, I was gonna ask you about this when you have, so I break down shows, I get five blocks, and sometimes your brain leaves what you're doing, and you're going like, I got three more, you're freezing. Yeah, so freezing in here, aren't you? I'm not, but I have a jacket, you want it? No, no, I got three more, you're freezing. Yeah, so freezing in here, aren't you? I'm not, but I have a jacket, you want it?

No, no, I got three of this. It's a 61 degrees in here. Yeah, that's see, you were now a california. I love club random, but the heat, maybe it's part of the charm, but it is fucking cold in here. Go ahead. I don't remember what I was saying.

Oh, what was I saying? I can't remember. I was something that, I'm the one on the pot. Greg. So what do you? What do you have? Yeah, is it strong or is it? Come on, it's club random in this bill. More. What do you think? Well, things I'm not a big pothead, but I'm going to do it. I'm definitely doing it. I'm just either. No, I'm going to do it. Yeah, there you go. Here's a, I won't give you mine. I'll give you something a little.

I like the little, did you roll that yourself? Little, no. The little cone roll. We could never, never been able to roll a joint. All right, I'm going to take my wife, my wife won't be watching as she's in Spain. Right, as if it's live. Where could you ever find it?

So, you say you have a wife? Yeah, I do. For now. For now. Oh, don't say that. He's gonna be something out of you. Yeah, she's in Spain right now. I know, but we're broadcasting this.

Elena, I apologize, but you gotta do what you gotta do. I know where she... Yeah, she's telling you everything matters. What is it? In 2000, I was 40, I'm 58 yeah, she's telling me. How long have you been there? What is it, in 2000? I was 40, I'm 58. If 18 years? 18 years.

18 years. Yeah. Wow. Good for you. You have a, you have a, um, I'm gonna see how this goes. And if it's like, if it fucking knocks me on my ass, but if it doesn't, I'm gonna smoke it all,

but I'm gonna just, I'm doing my little test. Yeah. Aw, thank you. There you go. I love being behind a bar. Yeah, I met her. She was the, when I met her, I was the editor. It was my first day on the job at Maxim UK, but we had a meeting in Portugal with all the Maxim bags

and she was the photo editor of Russian Maxim. So she's Russian, she was 21. I was 39. And her hotel room was next to mine, which shows you how lazy I am. But it, but it, but I met her and I go, oh, that's my wife. I just knew it.

I just knew it. And, and then I spent three days in Portugal trying to talk to her. And then the last night that I was there, the guys from Czechoslovakia or whatever you call the Czech Republic, they were going to go into town and get really fucking high by coke and do all this shit. I'm going to do that because this is not happening. So I've been working on this girl and it's not happening. And they go, and this was the Russian dudes to check guys and they're going, we're going to go into Lisbon.

I don't know where it is for what the fuck. And I said, I'm coming. And because we're going to get fucked up. And then as I left, I saw her. And I just said, I figured I'd give her one more shot. And I said, yeah, I go, you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. And she just said, I know forget she goes, I'd expect something better from Greg Gutfeld. And then I was like, that's the first real sense. That's kind of a compliment. Yes.

And then I just, that I waived at those guys and told them to leave. So she knew who you were? Because she bought my, she bought my articles for Russian men's face. I see. And Max, so she knew me, but I didn't know that she knew me. So then you did go out with her? Yeah, well, we hung out that night and she said that if we slept together, she would never see me again.

She spoke English. Yeah. Pretty well. She spoke Spanish, English, and Russian. What? But, and so then we had our first date in Paris. And yeah, it was very it was like in three months we were married. I think three months. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. That was good.

And it sounds from the way you tell the story I'm and actually because you were able to make that joke before it sounds like it's actually a good marriage. She has to put up with a lot of shit. I mean the thing is she's moved. Every guy says that. No because it's actually a good marriage. She has to put up with a lot of shit. I mean, the thing is, she's moved. Every guy says that. No, because it's true. Every guy, I know, like, that's why you're not married because you know, you know, actually, you know the contract.

You know what happens. You've been around a lot of people. You have the, you have part of the, you have the part of the Gene Simmons kind of gene in your, it's like, you know, this is what happened when you get married. Everything stops. Well, Gene.

I'm not Gene Simmons. I didn't play. He invited a lot of misery into his life by trying to have it both ways. That's true. And it's just, it makes you miserable. And then it makes you like subservient. And it's interesting to me. I'm not saying married men are trained or anything, but they all do have that immediate reaction that she has to put up a lot with me.

They, they, they, they, you're not allowed to say the opposite. They're not, well, not allowed to say, hey, you can say to your friends, you can say to your friends and private like, oh man, she's breaking my balls, but you can't actually say that publicly because you're fucked completely. All right. That's, and that's why another, see, I like to keep it real all the time. So I, I, this,

But you were, what you're saying is you, you were, you were never willing to lose an argument. Because a marriage marriage, it's about, I know, no. No, no, no. I am never willing to have an argument. And I never do. You've never had an argument.

Oh, I, of course I had when I was in traditional relationships. Yeah. I have not had an argument in a long time. Yeah. And what you've done is you've like, it's like you've manicured a lawn to keep those arguments out. That's, I, I, I,

You're not going to go into specifics, but I am just telling you, I love a life where yes, you never have an argument because, you know, romance, I mean, there's really only two things in life that I really love to do well besides work. But there's talking and this fucking, everything else is sort of secondary. Both of those are evolutionary designed to be the only things I love them both. Yeah, the only thing. I love them both. Yeah, yeah. The right person.

I mean, but watching a movie together, oh, that's great. But the two peak things are like talking. Do you notice that have you seen the stuff about how people aren't fucking anymore because of this? And because this is fulfilling, at least for men, the desire without having to go and put up with what I would say, the other stuff.

They're men are so lost and so stupid and lazy and inept that they're just, they're okay with like porn is good, porn is great, yeah, porn is great, but it's not the same category. It's just, and the fact that there, I mean, there were lots of times when I was young, I was very inept,

and I was at a school college where there was very few women and I didn't know how to get them, and I was super horny, and that went on for quite a long time, okay? So I know it, It feels like to be. And by the way, that made you a successful comedian. So if you don't have that anymore, that challenge, you're not gonna have very creative, smart people.

Well, that may be true too, but the point I was going for is that like, even when I only had masturbation, I was not happy with this for one second. I didn't surrender like these kids do. And you're like, ah, you know what? This point is like, no, I'm masturbating, thinking about something that I want to actually do. If that thing I'm thinking about,

no, it's true. I used to do a bit in my act. I always thought it was, I always enjoyed this one about how I could never jerk off to a movie. That took place like in the middle ages because like when I jerk off, or there movies, what movies are you talking about? I'm just saying when I jerk off, it has to be connected to something that could actually happen. It's a scenario you're imagining where you're actually at the end of it when you come fucking the person

in your scenario. Okay, so if I'm watching a hot chick in a movie about the takes place in the year 1132, there's no way I can actually fuck that chick. Yeah. I need to get it. You know, reality, that's why the number one thing I'd porn hub is step, was it step moms? Because all of, there's millions of families with teenage boys and stepmothers. So the number one thing on porn hub, don't ask me how I know, it just pops up. Is that it's all like step, step mother, step dad. It's like, it's, yeah,'s like, yeah, it's, yeah. Why is that?

I think it's because it's, what you said, it's familiar to their life. And it's possible. But potential is there. What is potential is there? No, no, they're not related. It's like, it's like, if you have a step, all of a sudden your dad, you get to,

your dad marries this 23 year old, hot, whatever. She's not related to you. That's the, that's the search, the go-to search on light porn hub. Why? Because they imagine this is going to really happen? Well, no, I'm using your logic. I'm saying that it's masturbatory material, but there's a possibility that maybe it's part of their life. And very close and they're lazy.

Yes. That makes sense. Yes. How do they monetize that? That's a thing that I don't get. That is fascinating. I never really actually because it's free. Do you remember? Let me ask you this. The idea that they I've wondered about this. The idea that incest porn is really about being lazy. It's about being lazy. Yeah. The person you don't want to even leave the house. You don't want to leave the house.

She's right there. She's right there. Oh my God. That isn't epiphany. This is, this is, this isn't epiphany. It really is. Do you remember though? Okay.

So I'm a little bit younger than you. Dettie porn was the hardest thing in the world. Like if somebody had a magazine in your neighborhood, you would put it in a bush in the wherever. And you did. It was exactly. It was common. We hit him in the woods. You hit him in the woods.

And I would, so I called it an hedge. I got money. Yeah, I called hedge porn. It was always money and it was porn. But I used to call it hedge porn. And I'm explaining it to my staff because I got people that are much younger and they are perplexed. They go, no, you had to, it was like trying to get laid for you guys, but it's us trying to just get porn.

So it would be in a tree, in a tree home, whatever it's called those things. Put them in there. And then the guy that had the most porn was like super well-known, right? He was the one who had the stash. Yeah, I mean, I, I, I feel like I squirreled the amount of houses that I was babysitting at. I can remember, I can remember cut like covers of magazines because they were like when Farrah Foset was like a bit, it was like, there was like these covers that I remember. She wasn't naked, but she was like on the cover or something.

Well, Farah Flausset was certainly a- She was the, I remember that poster. Of course we were. Yeah. The best poster though. Raquel Wealth died. Oh. That one million BC poster was-

We all had it. We all had it. Yeah. And by the way, so I was like, I was born 64, I was like 68, 69. I didn't even know why I was looking at it. Like, you know what I mean? When you, I can remember looking at her legs, veering upward, and not understanding

what I was looking at, but for some reason I had to. It's, we are wired for that. Not at that age, I was. I had no interest in girls or sex. I didn't know what it was. It was absolutely immaterial to my life until I, like 11 or 12 when I hit puberty. Yeah. And then it was everything. But until then it was baseball cards. And, you know, it was just, it was just...

Can you remember music that you listened to before puberty? Music for puberty. No. Is that amazing? It was just a music that the parents had in the house. Yes, if that always blows my mind that I try to go look, but I must have like, like novelty music, like race, Steven.

That's right. I remember corny fucking Broadway show tunes that they were listening to on show tune albums, you know, like, I anything you can do, I just wanted to shoot that bitch. But the thing is, what's interesting is there was stuff that you did listen to, but when puberty hits, it races it completely. And I'm like going like, I- No, but there was no music that I was purposely listening to. None.

I had no interest. I didn't want to. I like the Charlie Brown Christmas album. No. You have that? Nothing. I remember the chipmunk singing the Christmas song. Yes, Alvin and the chipmunks.

Alvin and the chipmunks. A weird relationship for that man. Man, that man was a great family. This is here. I don't know if that guy had a family. He just had chipmunks. Because I was a kid, I like that. That was like a novelty record.

So maybe we had that, but no. That's all it was. Was novelty, novelty music, AM radio on the way to school. And then you're in the car and something comes on the radio. And it's a rock song. And like, there's a, it just goes like this. Boom. And then everything's over. It could have been like the stones or something,

like a riff. And then you're completely, everything that happened before. It's a lots of innocence, really. It's like all that stuff. My first album was Sargent Pepper. And it had been out about a year. So I wasn't really on the tip in 67, but like 68 is the year I remember first caring about music, listening to it, putting a record on that I put on.

Yeah. I wanted to hear. I saw and I wanted to hear. My sister, Chris, had all these records. So I think my first one was Steve Miller, the Joker. How does that, yeah, I know that's right. But my I think my first one was Steve Miller the Joker. Yeah, I know that's right. 73 maybe 74, something like that. Yeah, it was.

Yeah, that's a great record. Oh, it's it. But is that more Reese? They call them more Reese. They call them more. Wait, with the, but that note. Yeah. He was a million.

The fly like an eagle was eagle. It's such a great album. Oh my man. That's the one. Okay, that's the one. Yeah. He's an amazing guitarist too. Do the heat like grew up with less Paul. I get my loving on the run. Yeah. You got to like what you know what every every musician was that did those like I'm a rambling man was smart because basically when a girl gets serious, they go listen to my song fucker. I come a rambling man. I leave. There's a lot, there's a lot of those songs in there because the guys like were like,

check you guys, you're great, but listen, I warned you. Baby, baby, don't get hooked down. I love the line in that song, but it's warm where you're touching me. Yes. Okay. That's exactly right. You can just go, you go like, I said, don't get hooked on me. Right.

If you're in any kind of divorce settlement, that wins. Yeah, I should have been another verse to that song. Baby, baby, I really spelled it out. I mean, I couldn't have been any more specific. Perfect. I said very plainly to you over and over on multiple occasions, don't get hooked. What part of hooks and, don't you understand?

It's true. It's true. On that note, I cannot, it is just too cold here. What do you want to do? I got to go. Well, I have a dinner at Ariana's. Oh, Ariana. I dinner with her.

You did? A year ago. Really? Like 20 years ago. I love her. She's insane, but the last show, the last, she's the most sane person I know. But I got to tell you. There's nothing in there.

It's insane. Insane does not describe Ariana. I mean. She, last time I saw her was on an Amtrak train. She was sitting in my sister's seat and I had. And I went over, it was just like really? Yeah, like a year ago. But no wait, Trump was president. I, so it was two years.

Ariana was on Amtrak? Yeah, on the cell. Ariana Huffington? Yes. She was, I walked onto the train. It's practically a billion. Yeah, I know. We had our tickets.

Okay. And then I went and then I go, oh shit, I gotta go. So I go to Ariana because I wrote for a Huffington Post 20 years ago. I was one of the first people that wrote, I was probably the first person, I think, that posted on Huffington Post. I posted a recipe for lemon squares because I was looking at it like it was your aunt's blog. So I wrote recipes and shit.

But anyway, yes, I was behind her and I said, hey, it's gonna go so great. How are you? Good to see you. That's not your accent. Dude, I don't do accents. I see. That's Dr. Ruth Westheimer you're doing. RIP, I think she's dead.

I don't know. There's like this. She's more like that. Look at her. I'm not a jack of ball. But, and I felt bad because the second thing, I wasn't there to say hi. I was there to say, that's my sister's seat. And it was just very awkward.

And she goes Greg, it's nice you haven't changed. That's just nice that you haven't changed. But I was like, I go lay, it's good to see It's good to see you. But that's my sister and that's her seat. And it was like, and I don't know why it was, who cares? Why was important. But anyway, but I felt bad. And then she said, Hey, you have not, it's good. You haven't changed. And she walked away. But I would like, I had the strain, I had a strange dinner at her place with John Kusak, Meg Ryan, and David Geffen in 20.

That sounds like her crew. Yeah, 2004 maybe, 2005. I'm surprised we never met. We met once. Like I said, that time we met. No, but I don't think I met you either. So I was with her. I think I was with her and Andrew Breitbart.

Now, okay, so it might have been, and then there might have been culture in the mix. Oh my God. And it was an after party. Is that who you hang with a real right-wing crowd like that? I haven't. Yes, I know. I haven't seen Anne in ages. But who are the other people?

So we went, Breitbart's dead, so I can't hang with him. But we went to, we went, I think you had an after party. But anyway. I did? Yes. It was an after party for your show. And you were there.

I think I shaved your hand, but I not sure I did. Oh, well, it was one of those things. No one could room, of course. Of course there were memories. There was like 20 years ago. Oh my God. Yeah, it is funny. The way sometimes people are sort of around you.

Yeah. But you never quite meet. Yeah. But listen, you made a big success to your child there. Thank you. I always say to people, you know, you may not love somebody's success, but you have to respect success.

You know, I remember Paul Simon telling this story when son Bob Gostner's the show where he was, oh no, maybe it wasn't him, maybe it was some other musician who was in the band was starting out and I forget what song came on the radio, but it was a real bubblegum song and they were all making fun of it and he goes, shut up. We're not on the radio, but it was a real bubblegum song and they were all making fun of it. And he goes, shut up. We're not on the radio, they are. Yeah, exactly. You know, I mean, there's a lot of people who try and it's, you know, to make a success or something.

And it's, so I'll take that as a compliment. Yeah, I mean, I'm not, honestly, I can't watch other shows. I've never been able to. It's I think it's not a good idea when you're in the talk show business to, but I know. Well, naked on that show, by the way. You should check it out because it's pretty amazing. I'm sure, you know, they used to be a show called The Robin Bird.

Oh, of course. You remember? Yeah, she was like a sex worker. It was like, yeah, when I first got to New York, they had like channel jam. Yeah, it was fucked up. On the cable box, you had a little box in your house and there was a naked talk show. Yeah. And she wasn't somebody that you want to be naked, but she was naked nonetheless. Maybe that was the only thing it had because you were lazy.

Right. And there was no stepmom. I wish I could remember like one second of that show, it must have been funny. But I think it was a hooker. And it was a weird channel. They had like, they had some other fucked up weird dudes on. It was a, yeah.

Yeah. But now that's all television. You know, all I can say is the future of America, if there is one, is just going to be like, I'm not sure exactly how much we disagree on things. But I'm sure there's plenty of places where we do. And the future of America is where two people who disagree to those degrees still can just talk

and not hate each other. Because like, you know, like, I always say, you have so much more income and sometimes with somebody, look at all these fucking things, these comments and incidents. It's like, okay, unless you're actually advocating that we got the 1964 Civil Rights Act or you know, we are cannibal or something like whatever it is, you know, like it's, I don't, this is more like how when I was a kid, adults were. They didn't fucking get into each other's like religion or their politics.

Yeah. They just was like, they kind of had a feeling from like the things a guy said. It was like, like sports where you can talk about your team, just when their team's doing well, but you don't show them the other team. That's, it should just be, if it's- Well, or it's just like, like, I, I, I, I seen her remember when I was a kid and my parents,

I knew their friends, you know, you know, your parents' friends. And I knew what my parents thought of their friends and they would, I feel like they would pick up on certain things that made them know, oh, this, you know, Uncle Paul is a little right wing. Oh, he was military and he's just not, but they didn't hate him. Yes.

And didn't like go visit them in Maryland because Uncle Paul was, you know, voted for Nixon or whatever. It's like that it's Jesus Christ. You just can't get everybody to be a carbon copy of you. Yeah exactly. My thing. Yeah. I know why I get so excited about this. But I think it's to keep warm. Anyway, I know you flew here. Yeah. I came here just for you, but that was, I know. That's, I mean, I take that at your Hermitage compliment. I really do. I do.

I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do.

I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. It's legal, bro. Cool.

That was nice.