Club Random with Bill Maher - Jack Whitehall | Club Random with Bill Maher

Episode Date: July 20, 2026

Bill Maher welcomes British comedian Jack Whitehall for a conversation that starts with a World Cup conspiracy theory and only gets more unhinged from there. Somewhere between the soccer talk and the soul-baring, Jack admits he cried watching Deal or No Deal but worried he wouldn't cry when his daughter was born. They also dive into Jack's infamous Queen Elizabeth joke that sparked outrage across the UK, and the Michael Jackson sketch he prayed wouldn’t air. Bill weighs in on surviving cancel culture, Woody Harrelson's legendary hangouts, the Beatles, dating before smartphones, and why comedians often find it easier to perform than to actually be themselves. Support our Advertisers: Try Claude for free at https://www.claude.ai/clubrandom Subscribe to the Club Random YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.youtube.com/c/clubrandompodcast?sub_confirmation=1⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Watch episodes ad-free – subscribe to Bill Maher’s Substack: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://billmaher.substack.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you listen: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://bit.ly/ClubRandom⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Buy Club Random Merch: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://clubrandom.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices ABOUT CLUB RANDOM Bill Maher rewrites the rules of podcasting the way he did in television in this series of one on one, hour long conversations with a wide variety of unexpected guests in the undisclosed location called Club Random. There’s a whole big world out there that isn’t about politics and Bill and his guests—from Bill Burr and Jerry Seinfeld to Jordan Peterson, Quentin Tarantino and Neil DeGrasse Tyson—talk about all of it.  For advertising opportunities please email: [e-mail] ABOUT BILL MAHER Bill Maher was the host of “Politically Incorrect” (Comedy Central, ABC) from 1993-2002, and for the last fourteen years on HBO’s “Real Time,” Maher’s combination of unflinching honesty and big laughs have garnered him 40 Emmy nominations. Maher won his first Emmy in 2014 as executive producer for the HBO series, “VICE.” In October of 2008, this same combination was on display in Maher’s uproarious and unprecedented swipe at organized religion, “Religulous.” Maher has written five bestsellers: “True Story,” “Does Anybody Have a Problem with That? Politically Incorrect’s Greatest Hits,” “When You Ride Alone, You Ride with Bin Laden,” “New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer,” and most recently, “The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody But Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass.” FOLLOW CLUB RANDOM https://www.clubrandom.com https://www.facebook.com/Club-Random-101776489118185 https://twitter.com/clubrandom_ https://www.instagram.com/clubrandompodcast https://www.tiktok.com/@clubrandompodcast FOLLOW BILL MAHER https://www.billmaher.com https://twitter.com/billmaher https://www.instagram.com/billmaher Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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ever after. I've seen crazier rom-coms. So head over to club random. and bring home some random. It's the night that he's died and the show goes out at 11. I called the producer of the show. I was like, we need to do something about this. Can I ask what the joke was? I want a baby dress as Hitler. We're like, what?

With the mustache? You're with a mustache. You put a mustache on a baby? Mustache on a baby. Mastash on a baby. Hey. Hey. How's it again?

Are you casing the joint? I said, yeah, just casing you. I'm gonna rob it later? Yeah. I've picked out a couple of items I'd like. It's a little suspicious when someone's like walk it around. Just checking what's fitted to all. There's a lot of cool stuff, is there?

Some very cool stuff in here. I know. I was at the beach yesterday. You've Venice. Do you know what Venice Boulevard is here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like all these crazy. You know, it's like, it's just that we, you ride bikes on it.

It's great. And it's just all kind of, you know, hippies and people playing guitar on the, you know, selling crystals and, you know, booths. And there's some vintage shops. Now I've got a vintage mask that is going to look great in here. Yeah, yeah. $30 bucks. There's nothing like finding something you could never find anywhere else.

And you love it, and it's just not in department stores. Yeah, yeah. I need a space like this in my home. I feel like I don't have a man cave. I live in London. London. But it was bought as a sort of bachelor pad and then I got married. And now I live there with my wife and child.

I'm sorry. I lose all of my spaces. I gradually see things of mine that have taken down from the walls and put away in cupboards. How long have you been married? I've been married two months. Two months?

You're newlywed? Newly wet, yeah, yeah. Wow, and they said it wouldn't land. Yeah. We're celebrating our two-month anniversary. So you're in the honeymoon phase. I'm in the honeymoon phase. Oh, that's awesome.

So she loves that I've come. over here to the United States without her to loosely do some press for a show, but actually just go to World Cup soccer matches. Is that really, is all you're doing? Yeah. Of course you're into soccer. I took a gamble. I did a show on Fox and knew that they were hosting the World Cup and I could get access to all of these games and then I just needed England to get through to the knockout stages and it's all worked out. I don't get sports where, I mean, There's more scoring at a Star Trek convention. But see, I watch it, I feel like it's compared to a lot of American sports,

is really frenetic and high-octane. I mean, baseball is not a lot of scoring either. Yeah, yeah, no. But I guess just what you grow up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, but boy, you guys are serious about it. So serious. I watched the American game where you guys got knocked out of the World Cup.

and it was a really weird experience being around American soccer fans knowing if it was in England and it was England being not the World Cup people would be suicidal there would be tears, there would be anger and there was just a sort of resignation in this bar and everyone was really

quite gracious about it they were shaking hands with a Belgian guy that was in there and wishing him the best for the rest of the tournament I'm like if that was in England people would be chucking furniture through the window and it would be... You guys get violent

So violent. You know, a lot of people in this country, we just had our big 250. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hope you're not upset about the... It's a little hard for us. But easier, easier than it was. Really, after 250 years, you're still pissed about me. Still pissed about...

Or could have been. We'll take you back. You know what? 20 years ago, I might have said, we'll go. Yeah, maybe not. I don't know about now, bro. I don't know. Your play seems kind of crazy.

It really does. It seems. like where we're going not in a good way yeah yeah you know but the Trump missed it like the the the one the the the the calling up the FIFA boss and the red card and the hysteria around that was fucking amazing I'm so glad you brought this up please I know soccer the way oh a woman who's not interested in baseball knows baseball not at all so I saw this in the headline and I mean headline yeah yeah big story I just didn't even

I don't know what red cards are. I don't know what FIFA is. Do me a solid, bro, and tell me this whole story from beginning to end, and treat me like I'm a dumb chick. It was amazing, because it was this situation where your player gets sent off in the game. He gets the red card, which means...

I don't know what that means. So he gets banned for the next game. So he's your best player. For what? He commits a foul, and he gets eliminated from the game. But it also... One foul? For one foul.

See, in basketball you get six. Yeah, and this foul was kind of... It was dubious. On a slow-motion replay, it looked kind of bad. Which guy is this? On what team? For the US. He's on the US team.

And he scored a couple of goals. He's your best performing player. So he scores a goal in the game, and then he gets sent off. And it means he's going to miss the next crucial knockout game. So for one foul? For one foul? Yeah. For one foul, you get a one game suspension for foul play.

It was kind of unfair, and I think a lot of people watched it, and they felt kind of sorry for this guy. He'd perform great in the tournament, and then he's going to miss this crucial game. And he gets the red card. And there's also a process whereby you can appeal a red card, and you can appeal a decision like this. And it's quite rare, but on occasion,

the red card will be taken away. So there's definitely a world in which had Trump just called off FIFA and said, can we maybe, you know, have this red card removed and have this guy able to play in the next game? FIFA's the league. FIFA's the governing body. What does it stand for? The Federation of International Football Association?

Okay. All right, you call it football. I could have just said anything and you would have gone. No, but that's right. Yeah. I get it. Football. Yeah, football. And so there's a world in which it could have been accelerated.

You know, people could have looked to that and gone, oh yeah, that's. legit. I mean, it's a little, it's a little suspicious and a little kind of unusual that it's, it's happened that speedily, and it's happened, you know, for the US whilst the tournament is in the US. But, okay, his red card's been taken away and he gets to play in the crucial knockout game. They definitely could have got away with it, and it all would have just been like, you know, internet speculation. Like Trumpet. He had to take credit for it. He couldn't help himself.

He cared. That speech is amazing. And I watched it and I was like, just thinking about the head of FIFA, Gianni Infantino, he's clearly had the call from Trump be like, I'll do you a solid. Him watching that, just like head in his hands going, Don't tell them. Just like everybody in the Trump administration, this is no different than the ways handled the Iran war. Like so many times they were having negotiations and both sides wanted to end this war.

And if he had just shut up, they were, and then he had to go to say, They surrendered like dogs. They surrendered like dogs. They're begging me for a deal. And they're like, oh, for fuck sake, could you just shut up for five minutes? We'll get the signature on the paper. But no, like a dog.

It was so good. And you go, and he starts the press conference were going, I know nothing about soccer football. You call it football. We call it. I know nothing about it. But I know that wasn't a foul. It was never a foul.

It was like suddenly getting into the table. technicalities of war. That's a really terrible Trump impression. I mean, almost anybody in America can do a bad Trump. You English, you can't even do a bad Trump. Can't even do that. Just because you're too English. You just doesn't come out.

You can do James Mason. I can. You know, when I do my James Mason, the improv, fucking nothing. The kids go wild. It's like Michael Jackson in 1985. Before the unpleasantness. Yeah.

But my Trump. Remember when he dangled the baby off the balcony? Wow. Like that, I feel like that should have been a bit of a red card. Is that what you would call it? It's certainly a yellow, at least. The week row these are here. Yeah.

Right over there. The woods. Well, that's my store, yes. I've been to the woods. Oh, you have? Yeah, because I'm friends with Woody. Oh, that's right. And buddies with Woody.

I randomly became friends with Woody because I met him at Glastonbury Festival. Okay. And then we bonded. And then when I was here, he's like, you've got to take your dad to the woods. He's a bonder. I took my 85-year-old father to the woods. Boy, does he bond with guys. He's a water bonder.

He just, I always kid him about it, but it's like, there's always a new romance in his life. Yeah. He thinks I'm jealous, but I'm not jealous. It's just like, it's amazing the way. He's just a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. I've been to parties with him.

He must have been his kind of part. He was throwing it because, like, you look around the room and it's like, oh, yeah, you did that movie together. Oh, yeah, Farrelly, you did that movie together. Oh, so. Mahiak, you did that. Like everybody who's ever worked with him wants to be his pal. I don't blame him. I do too, and I never worked with them, except on a pots door, which loses money. No, we're going to try to fix it, but it's

almost impossible to make a business work in California like that. I mean, just the state takes like 40% taxes. Fuck, you know, when I bought drugs from a skeezy dealer, he didn't skim 40%. I was a dealer. I did skim a little. Like I would buy a pound, which is 16 ounces, and make 17 ounces out of it. Okay, that's not 40%. But the government is worse than the dealer. You're forced to diversify into a gardening business and a tea room and, you know. At least I know this is pure. This is pure. You know, I know it's no chemicals. Yeah. You know, nothing like that. Just be soot from

the fires that fall down on everything here. Would you ever live here? Could you see being one of the... Because we've certainly had a lot of British expats, you know, come over here and love the Southern California lifestyle. Yeah, I love the Southern California lifestyle for like a little bit, but then I do, I kind of pine for home if I'm here for a period of order than three months. We all of them are.

Yeah, but I mean, many, you know, James Mason. I went to the same school as James Mason, not at the same time, but he... No. I don't think the kids remember. No, no, no. But he was so wonderfully English. The way he talked like this. Remember?

Yes. Oh, my good boy. Very clout. Yeah. He was one of the people that my school would always talk about James Mason having gone there. And, you know, I hoped I'd grow up one day and I would be, you know, a revered former alumni. You're an actor too, right? Yeah, I'm an actor too, but I feel like you've got a show.

I'm the school's dirty secret because this school that I went to had a lot of illustrious people that attended there like James Mason. And then it also had, um... What, this prep school? This public school? This public school in England. Oh, public school? Yeah, yeah. Well, no, no, not public, like public school here, like private school here.

boarding school. So the opposite of public. That's what I thought. Yeah. I can tell by your accent, you didn't go to public school. This guy didn't go to public school. You know, you'd be talking like scouse. Yeah.

Like Mick Jagger. Yeah, yeah. Like... Yeah. But they had... Kate Middleton went there as well. So she... They love talking about her.

And that's in all of the... Whenever they write about it in the newspapers, it's Kate Middleton, James Mason. And then I'm the dirty secret because I think I'm like a low-rent comedian. And so they maybe don't want to show off to them. But you're so successful now.

Well, yeah. I mean, I think you're doing, you know, you're like the Beatles in 63. You're breaking, you're trying to break the American market, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've got to get you on Ed Sullivan. Yeah. Okay.

Then we'll take you down to Miami to meet Muhammad Ali. It's going to be a great photo op, and I'm telling you, you're going to break it. Jack Mania will be sweeping the country, and I'm going to talk to your manager, Brian Epstein. Are you a Beatles fan? I like the Beatles, yeah. I've got Martin Lewis here next week. He's like the world's foremost authority on the Beatles. So I can't wait to talk to somebody who knows more about it than I do.

It's amazing how they endure. It's like there's always something new with the Beatles. And it always sells like crazy. And four movies on the way from San Diego. That's what I mean. There's always something. Something. Yeah.

You know, they get, you know, Paul and Ringo are always doing something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, it's, boy, I mean, it's 70 years since John and Paul met. Yeah. It's this month. That's why we're doing it with Martin Lewis next week. Because they met in July of 1956. That's 70 years ago, because that really was the birth of the beetle. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, 70? Fuck. That's exactly how old I am. Yeah, yeah. That's crazy. I saw them in that they were in a... Last time I was in L.A., I saw Ringo and Paul having dinner together in a restaurant at the table next to me. Did you say anything?

No, no, I felt... No, I didn't... They looked like so deep in conversation and... What a day. You're English. You get the past. I also share a birthday with Ringo Starr, but I felt I didn't know whether I could go over and interrupt his conversation with Paul McCarney. He said, I thought we were born on the same thing.

What do you think they were talking about? Yeah, I mean... They looked like, I mean, they looked like old friends catching up. It was great. You know, I was listening to Get Back, it came on the radio yesterday. And I remember seeing in the movie, they show him writing it. Yeah. You know, he's sitting there in the morning waiting for John, who was always late.

Yeah. And he's on his bass, and he's just writing it like he's playing the bass like a guitar. He sometimes did. And he's writing, you can see like the beginning of the song. It's quite interesting. If you're a Beatle fan, if you're not, it's nothing. And the lyrics completely changed to just a bunch of gobbledygo. I mean, I love the Beatles, but sometimes they were just like, this is a great song, I'm sorry, lyrics, whatever.

It's just, hello, goodbye, goodbye, hello. Just, come on, people, you want everything. It's a great song. It's a great. Yeah, it's just, it's not. And that's one of them, you know. Jojo was a man who thought he was a loner, you know, buddy, whatever. That's not how it started.

It seemed to be about immigration. Really? Get back? Yeah. Get back to where you once belong? Oh, well, yeah, yeah. I mean, that was an issue in the 60s, too. And it's not clear whether he was, like, actually saying that, which could be.

Yeah. Or, like, sort of making fun of people who were saying that. Yeah, yeah. But it was the beginning of something that, look, I don't know how much you want to get into politics, but I would love to pick your brain about what's going on in England, because I read about it all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it looks like a bit of what we see here in America,

but even more pronounced, you know, immigration issues. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Islamization issues. Yeah, yeah. And, yeah, I mean, seven prime ministers in 10 years and we've got a new one on the way. And then this, like, I think everyone's just sort of,

I guess, like, bracing themselves for Nigel Farage to be, you know, prime minister. He's the conservative one. He's the conservative guy. Yeah, yeah, who's just stood down to run in another election to get his seat back. But yeah, he's the kind of, he's he's the, you know, leader of reform. And I think all of the other parties are sort of scrambling around to try and work out the best way to fight that future election. What I read in the free press, which I feel like is down the middle place, which is very rare in this country, either it's like all the way left or all the way right.

but I trust them in their reporting and it sounds like England just got way too woke on a bunch of crazy shit. I think the last thing I read was like they passed a milestone where the amount of money they giving out in welfare is for the first time more than what they take in in taxes. Like every third eligible to work man is not working. They're like on disability. Some people really are, of course, but like not that many. And we have the same kind of issue here. Like a lot of young, they always talk in here about young men are in crisis. You know, you see it because they go out and they shoot people.

You know, and that gets a conversation going. Why did this guy? And it's always kind of the same thing. They feel like they can't get laid. Yeah. Yeah. It's a lot of it. People who can't get laid, Islamic terrorists, you know,

show me the one who was like, God, this guy never stopped having sex. The next thing we knew, he blew up the building. You never read about that guy. Never read about that guy. He was a real lethario. All day long. Exactly. When he wasn't woman, I think, he was really disturbing shit on the internet.

And it's weird. of these women foundies. I tried to because some of his chat was just a real turnoff. Yeah, I mean, it's never that. Never just sex, sex, sex, and then bomb. This back-to-school season, spend less on your kids with Amazon. Hi, I'm Laura Clary, mom, overthinker, and someone who has a complicated relationship with the back-to-school supply list.

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on your kids because every dollar you don't spend on them is a dollar you haven't spent on them. The first ever all-electric 2026 Subaru Trail Seeker is the EV for the trail obsessed. With up to 444 kilometers on a full charge and DC fast charging from 10 to 80% in about 30 minutes in ideal conditions. Plus, ample ground clearance and symmetrical all-wheel drive make the 2026 trail seeker, the most capable EV Subaru has ever built. Test drive it at your local Subaru dealer or visit Subaru.ca. And it's the same thing with the people here who like, yeah, they just, they partly forgot how to get laid because of the phone.

Yeah. I don't know how old were you when like the smartphone came along? Yeah. Did you have a period of your life? No, I remember just before. Yeah, I'm 38. so I sort of remember pre. So you had a life where you didn't...

Yeah. Where you had to talk to a girl. Well, I had to talk to a girl. Yeah. Proper, old school, courtship. Am I not so public school? Writing letters. Epistory, yeah.

And had a girl. How were you? You're great. I think I benefited. Really? Yeah, I benefited from the internet age. No, no. I think I would have.

I was a late blue. If I could have texted. Yeah. I just... It was so much better in that. I was super shy. Yeah. I couldn't walk up to a girl.

Yeah. I mean, like into my, not totally into my early 20s, but like I certainly could have had a better time at college. Not that there were a lot of eligible women, but if I knew then what I knew now, could I have gotten them in like 10 minutes? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, it's all about talking. I mean, girls, I mean, obviously there are some things that are deal breakers for girls, you know, of Cosimo comes up to you. Yeah. I can't blame a woman for like, you know, it's not the hunchback.

It really isn't. It really is. You know, but whatever it is. But like, you know, it's... That's a... Can we stand at a comedian, though, because that's a way of talking to girls, but you could prepare it all. And there was other people and an audience. Like, they're actually going up and talking one-on-one, terrifying.

But if they're all in darkness, and I've had weeks to think about it and really hone it. And yeah, that kind of conversation, great. One way with a paying audience. Right. And shrouded in darkness. It's also I found amazing in that same vein the way I can say things to millions of people on camera. I'm doing my show, like about my staff or something, that I just don't say it in private. You know, I don't like call a meeting at the office and say, you know, you're all brilliant.

But I can say it, like, and my brilliant staff, who is incredible, and it's like somehow that's easier. Yeah, why is that? I find, yeah, real life, like, can get so tongue-tied when, yeah, trying to express emotions or sentimentality or things, yeah. I also never cry in real life. In real life. I mean, and they've tried to make me sometimes on my show.

You know, I got in trouble. They'd love to do that in America, cancel culture, and all that. Nope, never got me down. Yeah. But, like, in a movie, I mean, I just cried over me to date with Tad Hamilton. I mean, like any movie, even the silliest rom-com that, like, puts the elements together in such a way that in the last reel, the girl is saying that to the guy and it can get me. I know. But in real life, you can't get me.

See, I had such a fear that I would not cry at the birth of my daughter. And the thing that made me most scared is, again, how readily I will cry at stuff that feels so inappropriate to cry at. And so, like, I can watch, you know, like daytime television, I can watch quiz shows. I've cried at deal or no deal in the UK. I remember watching this episode. Deal or no deal? Deal or no deal? Because of Megan Markle?

No, no. Wasn't she on? She was on it. And it made you cry. It wasn't the Megan Markle episode. But I just remember there being some episode where someone was trying to win a holiday and they hadn't been away with their children. daughter for so long and I'm fucking gushing and I like it the emotions are clearly so close to the surface and then I'm like real life moments where I should I should be you know the tears should

be flowing and then I'm suddenly a husk and that confuses me show me a video of a Marine coming home and surprising his daughter in the classroom yes and I'm gone I'm gone it's just gone but then again if I was in Marines yeah And I was reunited with my child, I don't think I would cry. But watching some, watching it experiencing with someone else. Yeah, I think you might cry. Maybe. I think that.

I think I would be crying before. I think I'd be crying when they set me off. That may be, yeah. That may be one. Yeah, fuck, I've got to join the Marines. I think there would be a lot of tears in the field. No, I mean, I don't mean to say I don't like kids. But, you know, they do have their drawbacks.

They make it harder to cheat. No, I kid. I can't. That's not what I meant to say at all. It must be the pot. I don't know. I blame it on the pot, yeah. It's fine.

It's, you know, it's like truth serum. Yeah. Woody warned me. He said, he said when he did this, he pot took in the pot. He what? He said he pot took in the pot. Oh. There was the truth serum.

We did, said there was 45 minutes of an arable material. Oh, totally. Here, and then we did one out to woods recently. Oh, we just, we are ridiculous. Yeah. You know, but I tell you, if you said to me when I was your age, you know, at 70, you'll be laughing your ass off, having a great time getting high, I'd just be like, okay, I'll take that. Amazing. I never thought, I mean, my father certainly didn't have fun times like that when he was 70, you know.

You know, so, you know, one reason I avoided marriage and kids. You know, like, I like this kind of life. I just like it. I don't know why I have to graduate. No, I'm not saying it's bad, or obviously it's such a super impulse in so many people, especially to have kids. I know guys who are terrible husbands, but great fathers. That they take seriously.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They always take that seriously, the ones I know. But there'd be real dogs, you know, sometimes. But the kid, no. You're like, I love being a dad. They say that. So I get that that's a very big impulse that I do not have. But I get it.

And certainly everybody can't be lying about it. Because it would be a massive conspiracy to try to convince me that every single person I ever talk to about it says, you know, it's a love you can't imagine. You know, it changed my life. My whole perspective is different. You know, it's like, it's like doing heroin. You know, I never did it so I can't tell.

But I get it that it's great, you know. And if I had to choose, I'd take the heroin. But that's just me. You know what I mean? Yeah. And I bet you you say the same thing about, yeah. Having a kid. What's your reaction, Jack, to having a kid?

It's great. Better than heroin. Wait, no, it changed my life. Come on, you're not going to gush like that. No, I'm not going to gushed you. Really? No, I don't want to, you know. Wow.

You know, she's, it's amazing. It's great, but smoking weed and having a laugh in the woods with Woody Harrison in your 70s does also sound pretty great. So, you know, you made your bed, but I'm not here to. This Mark Twain Award, I was just, I'm, thank you. And Woody was one of the speakers, you know. So I was looking forward to the whole thing except for one part of it, which was. the show is on a Sunday night. Yeah.

And they kind of milk it. It's the Kennedy Center. And there's this, the night before dinner. And I was like, okay, that's kind of anticlimactic, isn't it? Why are we doing this? And with speakers and stuff, I'm like, we're doing this the next night. Why are we doing this? Can we just have the main event and save all our muster for that?

No, you have to go. Okay, so I was like, all right. And then Woody was there, and we, went outside. And then I just had the best time. I was heckling the speakers. You know, this Kennedy Center, they're closing it. This was the last show for two years

because they're going under renovation. Right. But as we all walk through it, it's pristine, it's perfect. I think it's a scam. I don't think it needs any renovation. It looks fantastic to me. And the guy from Wells Fargo, who they're sponsoring it

And it turned out Woody and I both have our money with Wells Fargo. Yeah, yeah. And he was up there and talking about, you know, Wells Fargo was sponsoring the renovation, you know, and I was high and yelled out, not the guy who did the pool. So it just turned out to be such a fun night. How was it to hear all those people speaking about you? How do you feel in the situation? Well, that was the next night.

Well, it was that night, too. Maureen Dowden, Jake Tapper, and a few other people spoke. But it was awesome. It was awesome. Who would not like that? I mean, you can't be counterintuitive in life. I mean, you can a little bit, but, you know, I'm all for being intuitive. Leave the counterpart out.

Good things are good. Bad things are bad. Lots of great people who went out of their way. Everyone I asked came. Everybody except Jerry Seinfeld, who was on the road, he couldn't. And he made a beautiful video for me. Everybody else, Louis C.K., Jay Leno, Whitney Cummings, Woody, Ariana Huffington, Stephen A. Smith, John Mellencamp, saying the song at the end. Everybody said yes immediately in the camp. That's what meant the most to me, that all these people would do that for me.

So, yeah, good things are good. That's my opinion. I don't care who knows it. You exist on a strange plane, there where it feels like you're like post-cancellation without having ever been canceled as well. feel like you're uncancellable. Always on the cusp. That's a great place to exist, right? Well, it's like saying, like, hey, you're walking across two buildings on a high wire. It's a great place to exist. I'm used to it, you know, I'm used to it.

And like, if you're 70 and you've been on TV for 33 years, if it ended tomorrow, look, I still won. And it could because, you know, when people say, you're beyond cancel. Please. It's not hard to get cancelled still. Yeah, that's true. It really isn't. And the truth is, I never really did anything that should have gotten me canceled. And, you know, lots of people really have been wonderful and standing by me because they know me or they know the work.

And you just, what you have to do is always be clawing back against the emo youth of Wokeville who live to, feel morally superior to everybody. Especially older people. Have you ever gotten in trouble for saying something that people, really, that people were attacking you for it? Yeah, I had it once, like, relatively early on in my career. And I remember being in the eye of the storm and feeling like, you know, it was the worst thing that was ever going to happen.

And I thought it was like the end of my career. And I was on the front page of the newspapers, and they were trying to sort of whip up a real frenzy. And it was such a stupid joke as well. It was a joke on a TV show about the late Queen. And it was an obscene joke. Elton John? No, I'm kidding.

Yeah. It was a, I remember it. It was during, when the Queen had a sort of Jubilee pageant where they did the boats done. Jubilee? Yeah. When she's in office 50 years. Yeah. And they did a thing where they had these pageants down the Thames.

and she was an old lady at the time and there was a whole thing about how she'd stood for the whole of this pageant and saying she's an old lady and she shouldn't be standing all the time and she should have sat down. You said that? No, no, well, actually, I didn't even make the joke.

I just took some elements and presented them and it was a sort of build your own joke. A couple of days later, Prince Philip went to hospital with a urinary infection and I said it was her anniversary. He ended up with a urinary infection and she didn't want to sit down.

which leads me to believe they celebrated in the way that a lot of couples celebrate an anniversary and yeah and then it went out on TV I mean it got a bit of a groan from the audience but then it became like this scandal that I'd made a joke about

our monarch enjoying anal sex see that's so ridiculous because at least when I got in trouble for things I've said like you know the terrorists weren't cowards after 9-11 it's because it was something important that was an important thing

whether you agree or don't agree your shit was just like I mean the way they like lose their shit about the queen like who gives a fuck it's fucking crazy it is crazy and you know what it's even everybody British I've had like people like Pierce Morgan

who you know can be off the reservation and I think say some dumb things but he's generally a guy who you can have a conversation but I like peers he said some stupid things about me but okay people do have beds days and whatever he's on his period he said up stupid thing whatever but like uh Sharon

Osborne yeah who I like a lot but rational people yeah you started on the queen and suddenly it's like not funny anymore and I'm like are you fucking with me or do you know they're not fucking with me they really don't like it yeah you know you don't call her an old bag yeah that's just not and it's like you're okay all right yeah I see and I you know that's just you know they should be of everyone like the most fair game i feel like you could not be more punching up and it right but i think there's again it's like there's definitely a sort of like uh middle england hysteria and that that that was in the daily mail and there was a couple of like offcom complaints and they'd had a whole thing a couple of years

before with um russell brand and jonathan ross when they'd said they'd done a prank call that had gone wrong and it had been on the bbc so there's like the bbc as well that that's another thing that like the minute they're involved it becomes like a much more of a story and it can get whipped up into a frenzy and i remember it being something that was just like such a storm in a teacup but then it became like you know it fed the beast it was like part of the news cycle it was column inches it was you know online discourse and then it goes away as if it never existed it was it's like covid yeah like like yeah it's the worst thing ever worst thing ever worst thing ever and then suddenly like what no i know let's go back to like like

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Visit L'Oreal.com to learn more. Like, I never thought it was the word thing ever. So, like, okay, but we're going to pretend that that, like, To your insanity, you know, I mean, obviously some measures should have been taken, but they went crazy But yeah, I've had the exact same experience. It's like crazy we have to Get everybody involved, get everybody involved, crazy, and then you know, Britney Spears gets a new boyfriend and it's like oh Well, yeah, now we're under that. That's my policy said on the phone. I remember him saying you just need to pray that someone dies this week

They will. Something always happens. Something will happen and then they the the fucking sheep are suddenly driven to a new pasture. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what it is. You can drive the sheep to a new pasture. It's easy. They're sheep. Jack. They're sheep.

They're sheep. They're fucking sheep. There's like a sort of a villain of the internet as well for 24 hours, 48 hours, and then they're on to the next. It's like, who can we put in the stocks for this period? And then...

The other one I nearly had that was that was a... This was like a a miss, and I remember it. I had a late-night show only for like a couple of seasons in the UK. And I remember at the behest of the guy, one of the producers from the network, he was obsessed with us doing this fucking lame. He wanted like really like just root one, like shock comedy. And he was like, I remember the notes that he used to give. Like he genuinely, he, one point he was like, I want a baby dressed as Hitler. And we're like, what?

He was like, I just think that's funny. A baby dressed as Hitler. And we did, because no one could fucking stand out to this guy. You're with a mustache? You put a mustache on a baby? Mustache on a baby. I'm not going to lie, I kind of love this. I kind of love that.

I kind of, that is, I never. And we'd always ask why. Like, why is there the baby Hitler? You think somebody would have done it. Did you put a hat? I mean, a, you did. Yeah, you had the little, the hair. Had a uniform?

And the uniform. With the Iron Cross? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Baby Hitler. Baby Hitler. The problem is once you said, yeah. And Hugo Boss did you?

But once you said yes to Baby Hitler, it really emboldened this guy because then there was more ideas. So once you've accepted that baby Hitler's fine, then you just get a dudge of these fucking terrible ideas. And then it led to a thing where there was a sketch, not a sketch. It was like in the, like cut from the monologue to a sketch about Michael Jackson. And it was, again, I think that I can't even remember what the sketch was, but it was a sort of Michael Jackson pedophile

sketch that again it wasn't even in the news cycle at the time but he was like I just want a Michael Jackson pedophile visual gag at the end of this monologue so we did the Michael Jackson pedophile joke and I'm watching it go out and feeling like you know I have no spine and

I'm just like a puppet for this idiotic man doing his stupid ideas watching it waiting for it to go out and on the news they announced that Michael Jackson has died. Oh.

And it's the night that he's died and the show goes out at 11 and I'm like fuck. This is, this is,

I called the producer of the show. I was like, we need to do something about this. Can I ask what the joke was? I can't even remember

what the joke. But it was a guy, it was like a visual it was a guy dressed up as Michael Jackson. Again, I think with a,

there was a lot of babies about it was like a prop baby. And it was like a load of jokes about him being a predator. But then it was

the night that he died. So then we had to call up the guy from the network and the guy from the network had to literally ring in and get someone to try and pull the show. And I was watching minute by minute, like praying that he'd get through in time. But it was like 11 o'clock at night. And he literally had to call up someone from the Channel 4 switchboard and said, it's so and so, I'm the head of the network. You need to pull this show because the whole show. The whole, the whole thing on every news network was about how Michael Jackson had died and people like, with the candlelit vigils and tears. And then we've got this really like fucking horrendous.

So they pulled the whole show? I was watching it. They literally had the opening credits and then suddenly it went to black and it was just a screen and say, unfortunately, there's been a technical difficulty and it was just like a holding card and then they put something else on. And within like minutes he'd managed to get it pulled. And I remember watching that, but I'm like heart pounding going, I'm going to be just absolutely.

Of course, pillaried for this. In retrospect, it doesn't look like you were wrong. You know, but I'm not wrong. I mean, there were so many, I resisted doing Michael Jackson fuck's little boy jokes for a long time when I did not know it was true.

Then after they did the special, I mean, even Oprah came out after, they did a special after the special in HBO documentary. Two kids came forward with a testimony that was just so obviously true. And, you know, it wasn't like I was surprised. But I was jealous because there was always so many great Michael Jackson jokes. Like, why does Michael Jackson shop at Kmart?

Why? Because boys' pants are half off. Ladies and gentlemen. And I was not availing myself to this at the time. Yeah. That's what kind of integrity I have, Jack. You have integrity. I was not.

But that's, isn't that a great line? That's a great line. Boy's pants are half of all. You got to love jokes. But I feel like, yeah. And you go to the comedy clubs when something like that happens as well, and you see some comedians that will be up there on stage, and they'll be telling jokes hours after the beloved figure or entertainer has passed away.

They say the sick jokes originally. in prison. I don't know if that's a canard or what, because always there's like a sick joke very quickly. My friend, do you remember the comedian Gilbert Godfrey? Oh, yeah, hilarious. Hilarious. Well, he was the Affleck Duck.

Yeah. Which is an insurance company with a duck logo. I don't know why insurance companies are the lizard. This is what they do. I don't know why this makes people buy insurance. You know, hey, look. You're an agent as a salamander.

Okay, well, that's what I want when my house burnt out. But this is what they do. And he was the Affleck duck and lost it because the tsunami. Do you remember the tsunami? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he was up on stage. No, he tweeted it out. Tweeted it.

It was like 2004. And he did like 50 jokes about the tsunami, which killed a lot of people. Yeah, yeah. You know, what school do you go to? I don't know, it's floating by, whatever. You know, all these, and that was just Gilbert. And I mean, his sort of like childlike naivete, which was the, I think, the engine behind the genius of the comedy.

Yeah. The flip side of that was this, that he didn't think there was going to be blowback to the night of the tsunami, not just one. No. But just like showing all of his working as well. I wish I had them in front of me now and I'm sure you can call them up on your phone.

But yeah. I feel thankful though that I like because I did a sift of all of my Twitter and went through and deleted a load of stuff and made sure that there was nothing out like in the ether that was potentially ruinous. But doesn't it live somewhere? It lives somewhere.

The cloud is forever. But I think. I think I started stand-up in any... I definitely started standing in an era before, sort of camera phones and Twitter. But when I first started as well, I think a lot of my inspirations were comedians that were much coarser. And I tried shot comedy and I had much less of a filter.

And I think to some of my early gigs, as well when I was a less skilled comedian, and I would just want to say something to try and get illicit a reaction and shot people in the room. And I feel so fucking thankful that that wasn't in an era where they're now like filming every gig or people have got their camera phones out because I said some stuff on stage in my early 20s.

I think you should go back to that. I do. I would like to say that. Because you're a funny, engaging guy and they can get away with it. Oh, my God. You know, and I mean, that's my kind of comedy. Yeah.

You know, I mean, W.C. Fields, I think it was him. Maybe that's apocryphal, but attributed to him once said, the terms of between a comedian and a civilian is. to make a civilian laugh, all you have to do is dress up like an old lady

and walk down the street and fall down a manhole cover. Yeah, yeah. In a manhole. To make a comedian laugh, it has to really be an old lady. So that's what I strive for. Pushing an old lady down.

Pushing an old lady down a lot. You know, not for everybody. But you have a family. You can't, you have to think, See, I don't have to worry about, like, you know, oh my gosh, how am I going to feed my kids if I fuck up on stage, you know. Yeah. But you do now.

Yeah, yeah. You know. Yeah. But I do think there's something to that as well. Like, there comes a slight, you can hold on to the fact that the thing that you've said that will probably bring you down is already out there. That certainly allows you to feel slightly more relaxed. I mean, I feel like cancel. culture is right now like COVID.

The worst of it is over. Yes. But it will always be with us. Yeah. You can always get it. Yeah. Yeah. But I think we've passed peak. The peak.

But I saw the other day in the paper, it could have been in the Daily Mail. You read the Daily Mail? Yeah. That's your... I mean, I wouldn't say that was my... Your countryman. My mother's paper. No, but it's...

English. Yeah, it's English. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People love it here. Yeah, yeah. The mail online is what? The daily mail online. My wife is on that website. Really? Ten hours a day, yeah. Ten hours a day. Oh. Oh my God. Well, anyway, I think it was there that I read that Love Island. Yes. You said, easy. Why didn't expect you to bring up Love Island. Why you were so excited about me for you? He's just so surprised. Love Island, yes, yes. Easy. Just had two...

Oh, yeah. Two people kicked off it? Correct, because... Historic tweets? No. No? What are they done? Singing along. Yes.

Singing along with a rap song. I don't think we need to go into detail. No. But why? It's his face. But singing along. you know, how about just a warning? Yeah.

You know, just, so, I don't know, what do you think? Another guy lost his job. Over to you, Jack. Another guy lost his job, a TV chef for singing along, the rap party. I remember when Winneth Paltrow got in trouble for singing a song about the capital of France. Yeah. I'll leave it that vague. Yes.

Oh, yes. Yes, yes. I think I know which one that might have been. That's how delicate the subject is. We can't even say the capital of France part. No, I can't even say the capital of France. Not even French. Let's just say a country in Central Europe.

It's between Germany and Spain, but it could be Belgium. It could be Belgium. But yeah, there definitely has to be maybe more of a warning system. I mean, just stop being in a just. for the catching someone. Yeah. That's what I, just, stop pretending that you're actually making the world better.

Yeah. Because you made a contestant on love-fucked show, whatever that show is. Love fuck show. The Love Fuck Show. The Love Fuck Show. I mean, my show was always Temptation Island. You ever see that?

Oh, yeah. I think that may be similar to Love Island. Yeah. But that was on way at the beginning of the century, and then they rebooted it. It was my guilty pleasure for a while. But I didn't watch the last season. I thought the people weren't cute.

It's like if you're not going to have cute people, please. I'm not watching this for the context. I watch Love Island by proxy because my wife is a fan of it. But I feel like... Really? I like it for a little bit

when they're all betraying each other and cheating and you're seeing them emotionally dissolved. And I feel like I quite like the Chardon Freud of that and watching people that are, you know, miserable. Like young, hot, happy people being put through the ringer, I think is good. But then as soon as they become happy and in love and coupled up and seeing which young, hot, happy couple is the happiest, there's no rub.

But doesn't it usually go to shit after that? Do they actually ever get married? I think they do. They do? I think some of them. From Love Island? From Love Island. They get married. But the show ends at them, at their happiest and all coupled up and in love, and it's a happy ending. And I think they need to do one with married couples, where it starts with them all married, and then it's like a summer of them just falling apart.

Now, the show they should do, I've mentioned this before. I'm hoping someone in the ether will hear it and make it happen, is we have a show here called The Golden Bachelor. Okay. You ever heard of it? I've heard of the bachelor. I haven't heard of the golden away. Oh, it was huge. Yeah.

And that's a guy who's like 70. Yeah. I think he was 72. Well, wait. Of course, because this is America and things have to be appropriate. It was a bunch of ladies. It was the same plot. He's the bachelor, but they were all age appropriate.

Right, yeah, yeah. That's not interesting. No. Me, as the golden bachelor, with the age that I find appropriate. That's a show. That's a show. And a lot of fun. I would promise to be completely chaste.

No kissing, no sex. None of that that they do. I just want to talk to people. And I just think it would be really fun and funny and instructive. And also a blow against ageism because, you know, love is where you find it. I mean, you know, it's always okay when Madonna is going out with a 24-year-old. It's always okay when Kate Bacensall does it. It's always okay that chair is 80 in marrying a guy happy.

That's always okay. But somehow in the other way, it's not okay. I don't get it. And the golden element, was the bachelor, you know, was he well off? Was that part of the conceit of it? Well, I mean, he wasn't living out of his car, you know. But that's quite a good twist. You think he's a golden bachelor and actually he's leaving.

You know, he was a generic white guy who probably, you know, worked. for a crumbly and warming corporation. Yeah, yeah. You know, just was like this guy who, look, people, as we know, are always looking for love, as they should. Yeah. I mean, the world is a sinful, hateful place, and one of the few great things about it

is that love is always there somewhere. Yeah, yeah. And it's always available. Yeah. It's not sold in stores, but it is around. Yeah. or maybe you make your own luck with love by, you know, a lot of people say you,

whatever you put out comes back to you. I think there's certainly as an element to that. So, you know, are there a lot of ladies who are, they're probably mostly divorced, maybe some are widows in their 50s or 60s, you know, looking for late in life love. I mean, you shouldn't give up on love at any time in life, you know?

Yeah. So obviously, it means, American audiences ate it up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They fucking loved it. Because ladies, I think, you know, related to, oh, this is great, you know, love late in life. Yeah, yeah. And the guy, you know, he, I didn't watch it.

He seemed like kind of a stiff to me, but, you know, by actuarial tables, we know, women live longer. Yeah. So as you get into those age ranges, there's more women than men. I remember the reverse of this when I was in college, and there was way more men than women. It sucks. So men who are 70, you know, if they're into age-appropriate dating, they got their pick of the litter. In the age of old homes, they're having lots of sex. Oh, yeah, yeah, I visited.

Like STDs are out of control in the old age. Oh my god, yeah, I went to the one in Arizona, that massive, there's a massive compound there, and they were all, it was wild. What were you doing there? I was doing a travel show. I was pitching a new reality format where I date around the old age communities. Was your wife okay with this? That's how I met her.

Honey. She's 80, I didn't mention that. It came home smelling like Ben Gay. What's going on? Yeah, I found her in one of those homes. She was very confused. But I got her onto the plane with promises. Bob Monkow's DVDs.

I managed to get her home. Does your wife know who Bob Monkhouse is? She would not know. She's too young for that. She's too young for that. You cradle robbery. How dare you not date completely appropriately? She has to be born exactly within the year you were born.

How old is your wife? My wife is 34. Oh, well, that's completely respectable. Completely respectable. Ridiculous. My father and mother, they have a big age gap. My father's 86. My father's 86.

Not a big age gap to me, but I get your point. No, but to most people, that is. But, you know, it's human nature. Age gaps don't happen because we just took a vote on it. It happens because men require decades of head start to be even close to as mature as women are. They usually are fully, fully, okay, but a long way toward maturity when they're 25. I wouldn't say that about 21. They're still in that experimental crazy.

I'm away from home. Let's see what Dicks are like, phase, you know. Okay, but not 25. They grow up pretty fast. Yeah, yeah. I hear. But men? Yeah.

I mean, the immaturity can go to almost endlessly. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it can go to 80. Yeah, yeah. I'm not mentioning any name. Somebody I know who just turned 80, kind of immature. Body of yours. Your lunch and partner.

Dinner. Dinner, sorry, sorry. Yeah. Yeah. that's his list of insults. Did you see that? Yeah, that's a great artifact of history. Did he speak for you or the Mark Twainer? No, he tried to stop it. He tried to get it thrown out.

What? Yeah, he did. When it was announced, he had his press secretary, he said, fake news, it's not happening, Bill Maher's not getting it. But what has he changed? Has he changed his tune on you? The Kennedy Center. Oh, the Trump, it was going to be the Trump Kennedy Center. Then they took his, that was an announcement. another controversy. I didn't think it was ever going to happen.

Because first he tried to stop it, but then it was going through, and then they took his name off the building. He didn't like it. When they took his name off the building, he covered the building in drapery, so you couldn't see anything on the building. I'm not kidding. And I don't care. I don't care. I, if you, if at this point, 10 years into the Trump situation, you are still obsessing about his personality, my view is that, that's a lot of the Trump situation. I, if you're still obsessing, on you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Should we always be criticizing as I do what he actually does while he's in office? Absolutely. But to keep just focusing on these personality things that we've talked about for 10 years, they're not going to change. That's who he is. I don't care when he calls me names now. It's like

the way he does it. It's the way he talks. It's who he is. Of course he's going to hang a tarp on the building. He does these things which you can't even imagine. If you tried your hardest, what is he going to do now? Tarp on the building would never have come to me. But he is always going to do it. And when he does it, I just got to go, okay, low plate. This is what you do. And as long as it's something that doesn't really affect me or other people, for real,

I don't care about your reflecting pool, I don't care about your ballroom, I don't care what you do on the lawn. You can have U.S. Sea fights. You can have sheep grazing there like one president did. You can do anything. You pickleball. I don't give a shit what you do on the lawn. And if you're a person who does, you're just way too into Donald Trump.

Yeah, yeah. As the person who controls how you think in life. Everything is about him. I'm not going there with you. You know, and I'm winning. Yeah. And I'm somebody he attacks personally. And I care less than you do it.

Your life is all about Donald Trump. Mine isn't. It's amazing things that people can be okay with if they like you. I know. Like especially celebrities. Like, look, again, people will argue of Michael Jackson until forever. But if you're a reasonable person, it's pretty obvious. Yeah.

And it's just a lot of people just decided we don't care. Yeah. We just don't care. And I certainly don't care about the music. I never stop playing the music. I never stopped playing Art Kelly. Yeah, yeah. The music didn't rape any.

buddy. The music is great and I never even considered not playing but what the fuck? But not quite a good enough canon to get away with the you know Michael Jackson levels about adulation but there's definitely a I'm just aware of the cognitive dissonance I can like the music and be completely aware that the person who made it did terrible things I mean Thomas Jefferson yeah wrote our dexterity of Independence. Yeah. Again, sorry, man.

But he was, I can't really couch it in any other polite word, a rapist because he had sex with a slave. Now, when you're a slave, you can't say no. That to me is the definition of rape. So a rapist wrote

the Declaration of Independence. Life is full of contradictions like that. We had a revered union leader named Cesar Chavez in this country in this state who got rights for migrant farm workers revered, he's on the name of

a thousand schools, had to take it off. Turned out he was having horrible sexual predation on hundreds of women and yet he was a great union leader. I mean that's the world we live in.

I can't explain it, but I'm not going to pretend that those contradictions don't exist, and I'm not going to stop playing Beat It. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or Billy Gia. Or the way you make me feel. Yeah.

I mean, he's just, I watched the movie recently when I was in a hotel room. You know, there's a, made a billion dollars. My God, yeah. Of course, it ends before. Yes, at a convenient moment. Very convenient moments. But, you know, Gagin, he'd have to take all the Gagans off the wall. Why? What Gogan do?

He was, I think, had some sexual proclivities that were not acceptable by modern standards. In Tahiti? In Tadio. Yeah. When he was in Tihadi, yeah, yeah. He abused the Tahitians? Yeah, yeah. Oh, I didn't hear about them.

Yeah. I get my gossip the old-fashioned way from the girls down at the nail salon. So I didn't see that on it. Is that breaking news on the internet? Oh, Golgan's been canceled? Oh, fuck, man. I idolize that guy. Boy, we have no heroes left.

Don't tell me, Van Gogh. Come on. Don't tell me, Van Gogh. Was there something funny with the ear? Don't tell me he cut the ear off so we could fuck it or something weird like that. Because somebody would do it. that.

This is why my material doesn't work in America because I'm doing James Mason impressions of my Goghant material. Oh, the Gogh. I just think the Goghank needs a little work. I need a little work. Let me coach you. Yeah, my cultural reference points are just not right for this market. You want to break me like the Beatles and I just need to...

You're English. You know, English are more sophisticated. I went to set a really, really funny edit. with lots of clips about how American television, especially serious, and I don't mean that in a snarky way, I mean some really great shows, episodic shows on the premium networks, most notably my own HBO, it's always English actors.

Succession, Game of Thrones, and they're not making them do, I mean, in succession, they did American accents, but generally they want the English accent because, especially if you're doing a historical piece, it bestows a certain gravitas that American accents just don't. Yeah. So Game of Thrones, why do they have, why did they have an English accent? It's a completely made up place. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no reason for it, except when you talk like Kevin Costner, you just don't. sound is not that he sounds like that but I just mean when you're all-American no it's weird it's him as Robin Hood with his American accent it really throws you it's like I mean

when Brad Pitt yeah Brad Pitt he's from Missouri yeah that's about as middle American as you can get yeah when he did Troy Troy English accent sword hand me all sword Brad Pitt doesn't say sword Brad Pitt says sword like I I do. They don't say soul. Yeah. But it's Troy. Yeah.

Which is not English. Yeah, yeah. We're talking about Greece in 1,200 BC. Yeah. This is when that takes place. Yeah, yeah. Are you looking forward to The Odyssey coming to the theater? Yeah.

I think it's good. Christopher Nolan. Christopher Nolan. What do you think? I think it's... Are you excited to see that? I am beyond hard. Yeah.

I was an English major. I read The Odyssey in college, Iliad and The Odyssey. I mean, I would say the first two years of college, I thought, you know, I was going to do something with my English degree. Yeah. Did not. Did not.

But I do use English in my career. I mean, that's true. But I also think it was very helpful that I got a very broad knowledge, probably more like what you typically get in England. We don't take education very seriously in this country. We really don't. But I think you probably still do. I mean, you feel like you want, I mean, prep school,

whatever you call it. What do you call it? A public school. No, not. We established you're not. What was it, eaten? What I went to? Moorborough College.

College, but you were not college age, what we consider college. Yeah, yeah. It's even more confusing because we don't call, yeah, college is secondary school here. Right. How old were you when you go to this place? I went, there I went 13.

I went to boarding school at 10. 13? Yeah. So you ripped out of your mother's arms at 13. Yeah. Was it traumatic? No, not really. I mean, for me it wasn't too bad.

I was only like an hour away from home. Were you living in a dorm? Yeah, yeah, in a dorm, yeah. So you didn't, every night go to bed in your own room like I did? Yeah. You went to a dorm with dozens of other kids sleeping in bunk beds? Yeah. Really?

But I kind of, I mean, some people have a bad experience. I actually, I was okay with it. But like my dad went seven, he was stuck on a train, went up to the north of England, like four hours away from his home and was there for like a months on end. In a Catholic boarding school raised by monks, it was brutal. That is brutal. My version was like, you know, much more. Okay, but like you say 13? Yeah, 13.

13, what I remember most about that age was I was masturbating furiously, constantly. Can you do that in the setting of being in a dorm room? I mean, I was luckily I had my own little room, tiny as it was. It was mine. It was a masturbatory. But how could you have that if you were surrounded by other people? Wouldn't they hear the bed shaking? Yeah, I think there was probably a lot of that.

I mean, that's all of the stories of boarding schools. But everybody was doing it, so nobody cared. It was just normal to hear a cacophony. A cacophony of flapping. Frapping, yeah. At lights out. Ten boys with the lights out, wanking themselves into a coma every night. So disgusting.

But at least you haven't got your parents downstairs. I know, but when you think about all that spilled sperm in one room. I mean, in some predatory housemaster listening at the door. That is the nightmare of the pro-life crowd. I mean, just in one room, the amount of wasted, you know, possible babies, right? Yeah. I think if anything even worse when the, like, you know, girls sinking themselves, I think there was boys, you know, harmonizing their masturbatory.

activity. Oh, sinking their period? Yeah, yeah. I think it was... Is that still a thing? Was that ever a thing or was that a wife's tell? I think that was a wife. I've always heard that my whole life, that women's...

When they're together, isn't it? That their periods sink up? Yeah. It could be. It could be. It could be. They're weird creatures. It's one of the...

We don't understand them. It's one of those things I've been told but never wanted to challenge. I just accepted in this gospel. They're like lemurs. I've heard a lot about them, but I don't really know that much after all these years. I know they're mammalia, but, yeah, I mean, it could be. They certainly have or are brooded to have, but I think they do have more of a, shall we say, intuition. I mean, women's intuition is a old saying.

And I don't know. I mean, you think that's true that they have more intuition than we do? Yeah. I do, too. I do. I believe that. Yeah. I believe that more than the period one.

More readily able to believe that. No, there's nothing in the world like having a girlfriend or in your case a wife that's smarter than you. Maybe not in every way. Maybe they don't know as much about the Ottoman Empire or something. Or the Irish. see, but like in key ways. Yeah. And ways that, yeah, just matter how old you get,

just will always elude a man and it comes easy to them. And, you know, I don't follow movies that well. Yeah. Like, I'm always the guy in the movies going, was that the same guy who had the mustache and the other scene? Oh, oh, so he's working with that. You know, like, I need. Like, I need a guy.

I do you need a guy. I'm not that bright with some of the, if it's a really arcane kind of plot, I guess I don't see. I'm supposed to be an observational comedian, but like I don't see, like, and then I have to be told, oh, yeah, see, he took the envelope for the guy and it had the same name. Oh, right. You know. Yeah. So, you know. I have to guide my, I wear the other way around.

I have to guide my wife through movies and she wants to know the entire plot from the beginning and wants me to tell me, tell her what's going on and then what is about to happen as well and I'm like that's not how storytelling works you don't want me to ruin this for you like you find out you don't need to know everything you will learn things by the end of this scene if I tell you what happens right that I and you'll miss the satisfaction yeah of how the storytellers wanted to unravel that way that's the satisfaction you got to pull back the bow before you shoot the arrow yeah all right well I'm going to release you back into the wild, Jack. It was a pleasure to get to know you.

And I'm sure that America will be greeting you like the Beatles. Really? You're going to do great here. Once they hear my tales of mutual masturbation. Leave out the French impressionists. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Not just him. Right.

Not Ben-Go, Matisse. Yeah. French impressionists, avoid that. We're going to avoid... Yeah. And French capital cities wrapping along to those. We're not going to do any of that. No.

You've given me a great, like, blueprint for how to break America. All right, bro. And I appreciate it. Sorry. There was a flicker. They used to do a thing in every military movie. They would do the same gag where the, you know, the admiral. Thank you, sir.

And he salutes and the guy puts his head, and then they make change. Do it. Like, I'll salute and you do the hand check. And they... Oh. It was fun. I'll text Woody and didn't. Yes.

Tell him we had a ball. And when you're here, call us. We'll all get together. Yeah, yeah. I'd love that. Come back to the woods. We'll party there. Yeah, yeah.