Club Random with Bill Maher - Kevin Nealon | Club Random with Bill Maher

Episode Date: January 2, 2023

Bill Maher and Kevin Nealon ring in 2023 and randomly riff on the time Bill invited Kevin to live with him, what Madonna told Mike Myers about kissing her in a sketch, the best thing about doing intimate scenes in movies, how Marlon Brando took his acting fees in gold on one movie, the appeal of wife jokes, what Bill learned at Cornell, and how Putin is like Buster Douglas.

Club Renew. Don't stand because it's so tall. Have you lost any of that height Kevin? It's been embarrassing. People like me for years. You know, I feel like I got a height range of 5, 8 to 6, 4. It depends on who I'm with. Right now I'm 5, 10.

And that's for you. I'm 5, 10. Can you imagine? So I was saying to someone today, like I was, I think, coming up, and I said, I am so excited, Kevin Neelan's coming over today. And I just thought, it's so kind of sad that, you know, we've known each other for so long, and it takes a work thing to get us to sit down and do what we really should have

done, which is drink and then fuck each other. No. Again? No, you know what I'm saying? No, we so often see the people we really like, only when we're working with them. Why is that? Well, somebody asked me today, they said, do you guys are friends, right? I said, yeah.

But we just don't seem to hang out. I've known Bill for about 40 years. Right. And I remember I used to see at the improv, that it's fanned up in the beginning. And I knew, you know, you know, he got those clubs a lot. You know, everybody's moved with their act. You know, their act inside out.

And I would watch you and I think, okay, here's the guy who's been influenced by Johnny Carson. I could see the moves still for this day. Yeah, just a... Abs in a monologue, yeah, definitely. Yeah, a monologue. And not in your private life. No, no, not in my standup.

But in a monologue standup, yes. And like, I don't even want to not be that. That's what I grew up emulating. And by the way, he got it from Jack Benny. Did he really? Yeah, Johnny Carson would always say a lot of his moves, and you can see it in Jack Benny too. So you're basically doing Jack Benny then? Kind of. And I'm sure he's doing somebody, or maybe not, maybe he was the original. I don't know, but it's worked for 30 years, so I'm going to

keep doing it. But that is true. You know, You know these people and you just don't really hang out with them because everybody's working or whatever. I have to say this show and sitting with people like you, I am just killing it with guys these days. I have got so many new guys around the time. Well, I remember when I was breaking up with my wife, I was getting divorced. Wait, not the one I know.

No. This is the long time ago. So this is your first wife? Yeah, yeah. And we were going to break up and all I remember this, you said, if you need to place a stake, come on around my house. I said that. Yeah, can you believe that?

Yeah. That's why we never got to know each other. Because that was our big shot. But I always remember that. That was really kind of you to say that. And I guess you kind of have experience of guys breaking up. Oh my God.

This, I mean, we're here at Club random, but I'm neat. I came here back in the 80s and the 60s, actually. Oh my God. This I mean we're here at Club random, but I came here back in the 80s and the 60s actually the quiet item It was unbelievable. You wouldn't know what happened down here. Oh Yeah, well Club random. I hope Well Re-invigorate a little bit of the spirit of the 60s. I love it. I love it But but no, there's a guest house. This is not, of course I know people send me,

do you live here? Like, well, why, how can I live here? Yeah, I live under this orange light and I sleep on the stripper pole, what are you talking about? Do I live here? No, and unlike where I live, there's a guest house. And that guest house was for many years the divorce house.

Like many friends of mine when they were going through Alan Thick, he didn't live there, but like he could have, many others did, like it was sort of a halfway house before they like landed at the Bel Air Hotel if they were so lucky or wherever they were going to. It's somebody's couch, I don't know. Yeah, yeah. But because I was the guy you never got married, I was the guy who I was like the designated guy for breakups.

Did you ever come close to getting married? Sure. Really? Yes, but I never got my toe caught in the trap. What happened at the last minute? It's like being a fish and this debate and you nibble around it and you just don't want to get the hook in your mouth. But sometimes you do. And sometimes people want the hook. How long were you with her?

Well, you probably remember, I probably shouldn't say names. This is Scriverface. Oh, like, Troopie eyes? I always would, that's what I had to drop you eyes. I was with someone from, for five years as my longest relationship, from 1988 to 1993. So we knew each other briefly, I mean, and the, but see, you were,

yeah, you were back in California then, or certainly, by coach. Oh, yeah, I knew you back in the,. I knew you back in the 1900s, actually. No, this is probably around 1981. 1981, by the way, you were like a pitcher with the ultimate slider, because you are even a show business veteran like me. You are just a master at like hooking you into like really thinking you're going to a place of just serious. And then just completely at the last minute that they break hard to the right and on the lefty you cannot get wood on that.

I really, I really have a problem myself for that because I'll be talking serious sometimes and people like, no I know because you're serious thing, it's I'm saying you're serious boy, you know, you disguise the joke so perfectly and then of course when you don't tell the joke we're all disappointed. No, but I know I have a problem, I think it's a defense mechanism where I just try and I want people to feel comfortable You know, well you mean to go for the laugh No, just to be around me. I mean, I'm not talking that I'm a huge star, which I am but I think

I think, I don't get, you know, intimidated that much. Or nervous, but I met Darryl Hall earlier. Right. He was just on your show. I met him on the way out. And I was a little nervous. Really? Yeah. Because he's a rock star.

No, because he knows John Oates. No, but I grew up listening to Rich Girl and Lee and I know Sarah. Sarah smile. Oh, man eater. They killed it. That is really hard to do to charge as they say in the business, the record business, to charge consistently, like one after another. Even for a decade, that is very few have done it for more than...

Everybody gets, who's like, on that level, gets a decade. The Beatles got a decade. The Eagles got a decade. The Eagles got a decade. You know, very few people get like more than one decade. Maybe Elton John, you know, was... Well, I was telling me that Madonna, I was reading that Madonna has had a hit in the lot for every decade, every decade. Madonna, for five decades.

Could still put out a great dance record. A great, like, I play Madonna here in Club random when we're not taping. Madonna is great for the, and I'm talking about 21st century Madonna. Like, she put out a couple of great albums. The last one I was less enthusiastic about, but she does not disappoint as a,

she seems like an ice queen as a person, but she does not disappoint as a she seems like an ice queen as a person, but she does not disappoint as a artist, you know, would you rather have it the other way around? What she does disappoint as a No, I know no, I know mean, I can't see her here because this is kind of like a down and dirty place. And I feel like she's a diva. I remember when she was a-

I could be wrong. Yeah. When she was on SNL, she was doing coffee talk. But don't I did SNL? She was doing a sketch coffee talk with Mike Myers. And there was a scene where they had to kiss. And in her dressing room beforehand, I walked by there and they were kind of talking over the sketch. And in her dressing room beforehand, I walked by there

and they were kind of talking over the sketch and I heard her say to him, remember when we kissed, no tongue, no tongue. Well, that one I can't lay at her doorstep. I think any woman would probably say that, especially to a perv like Mike Myers. Right? Maybe.

I mean, you don't... Yes, you'd... I mean, a sex scene in a movie, I mean, everyone would be so much fun. I've talked to very few people who enjoyed it, except Bruce Willis. What do you want to say about, like, it was like when he was on, you know, what was the big detective show he did, moon lighting. Which was awesome.

That was good. I liked moon lighting a lot. He was amazing in it, but he said, yeah, he was like, at 8 a.m., I have vodka on my breath and my tongue is in Cheryl Tings' mouth. I'm sure, but he was not, he was not complaining. Which is why I love it. What a run he had, huh?

Yeah. Oh my gosh. It's Willis. I remember him when he was tying out at the improv because remember because he loved comedy. He came from New York and he kind of missed the New York vibe. Right. But every time I'm in a hotel, like and I'm looking at the movie guide to see what movie

because a lot of hotels still have the, you know this, I'm sure, as well as any traveling, true, but dark comedian, you know, the still in theaters movies. And they're very often movies you would never see in a theater or really aren't in a theater, but they're trying to sell that idea because they're new and Like out of 50 of them Bruce Willis will be in like not This guy at one point some point made this decision. I will do anything if it's I can shoot it right three days Right because he's always like the bad guy or the something guy They put his name in the title, which is a great compliment.

You know, just his head and his name and like, oh, sure, I'll watch that. And I'm sure they shot it in three days. I guarantee he did. Not spend more than a week away from home and pocketed a lot of bullion for that. You remember when they used that bullion? Do I remember? No, like gold bullion? It was, was doing his stuff.

No, but I'll tell you this, on the movie The Fortune in 1980, Marlon Brando did not trust the people making the movie and demanded that he get his salary, which was three million for 10 days, which back in 1980 was a lot. But he was coming off the Godfather, and it was like a get to get brando.

It was, you know, so, you know, he had, so okay, 10 days of shooting, and he demanded to be paid in gold. Are you kidding me? And every day a brings truck would pull up with, I swear to God, I have this in good authority with $300,000 in gold at the end of each shooting day. Well, I get it, I get it.

You do? You get that? Why do you not? I'm just, of course you fucking think to do. What are you out of your mind? Well, I'm paying crypto. What do you do with the gold? Take it home and put it in your desk.

No, you paper weights, door stoppers. Yeah, just ridiculous. It's one of those stars. They're not just like us. They're nuts and they do nutty things. You know Chuck Berry. You said demand is money upfront. Chuck Cash.

Chuck Berry. Oh, yes, of course. Money's got to be upfront. He would tour, he would never bring a band to expensive. He would use local musicians. He would tell them three chords. He was grumpy and he would just, he learned my songs before I get to. And it truly, they're not that hard songs to learn. Yeah.

You know. He had to influence so many Yeah. Yeah, he influenced so many musicians. Yeah, he did. Whenever a musician would come through us and now, like Aerosmith, I go to Joe Perry. And I said, who's your influence? Oh, it's always Chuck Berry. Really?

Chuck Berry, Chuck Berry, Chuck Berry. Even Aerosmith, they don't sound ending like Chuck Berry. Well, it's how they learn, you know, even the Beatles. The Beatles love Chuck Berry. Yeah. They literally covered some of this song, Roll Over Beethoven. Yeah. It's a great, amazing John Lennon vocal.

A lot of Jerry Lee Lewis and them too. What? Jerry Lee Lewis. Jerry Lee Lewis. Was Vogue. The Beatles. Do you listen to the Beatles? Yes, of course. They never covered Jerry Lee Lewis. You didn't hear the songs I heard. Was it Vogue? The Beatles. Do you listen to The Beatles?

Yes, of course. They never covered Jerry Lee Lewis. You didn't hear the songs I heard. What? Tell me the song that Jerry Lee Lewis did. The flip side if I want to hold your hand. It's not, Jerry Lee. It's not a cover.

The flip side. What is, what's the song? I don't know. I don't know. No, but I think he was, he influenced them a lot. And floenches different, they never covered him. No, no, no, they didn't cover him. But that's what I mean.

But they covered, yeah, they covered him. Yeah, yeah. And then, and do you know who I love listening to in that Beatles station? It's Peter Asher. Peter Asher. His sister used to, they, yes. Tom McCartney.

Oh. Do you know, the, I think one of the probably best beetle biographies and there's a million of them, is the one really that Paul McCartney wrote himself, even though it's attributed to Barry Miles, but it's like Barry Miles, I guess, who was his friend, I'm not sure who he is, I forgot, but they're close, obviously.

And it's really just him quoting Paul, it's almost like Paul McCartney wrote the book, but he didn't want to put it, I don't know. But it's basically Paul McCartney's autobiography. And Peter Asher, yes, was the brother of Jane Asher. That's right. And this is so interesting. I never knew this till I read the book.

Paul McCartney, at the height of their fame in Biddlemania, lived in Jane Asher's attic. That's right. Really? They had this apartment in London. in Betelmania, lived in Jane Asher's attic. That's right. Really, they had this apartment in London. That was his girlfriend, but not really like, they were never like, okay, you have to be loyal. He's pretty Oprah. I, you know, he's KG about it, but.

You got to imagine it's open for all the Beatles. You know, I was gonna to say it's his exclusive. You know, it's rock and roll. We're on the road, I guess. Anyway, but plainly, she was the girlfriend and he lived in a garret, like on the top of their, like their spare room, like where the sewing machine was. And for like three years, like 64 or 5, that kind of, and would, there was a exit he could take that allowed him to like miss the traffic of the people on the main streets so he wouldn't get mobbed like he could go on a back way into an alley or something. But

I thought that was amazing that somebody at that pinnacle of their success. It is. It is. It is. Not only that, but he used to write, he wrote songs for Peter, like he was in the band Peter and Gordon. He wrote one song and it's a great song, rolled without love. Yeah. Amazing melody that you could tell us in McCartney-esque melody and it was a hit for them, but it

would have been a hit for anybody. It would have been. And what do you think, Paul, do you think the Beatles go, why are you giving away your songs like that? Like, you know, with bad finger, you give away a couple of songs. They really sounded like the Beatles.

Absolutely. Well, bad finger was different because bad finger was signed to their label. So it helped them. All right. Well, and the other one, it was his girlfriend's brother. So, like, you know, people have reasons for giving away their songs. I agree. I feel like songs great songs are such a great gem and a rarity that you would hoard them. But look at how many amazing songs they did wind

up writing. So I guess they didn't think, Oh, this is this is not that hard. I get afforded. Do you ever write a joke for somebody and give it to them. I've got, oh man, I wish I kept that. No, but I have given away jokes that I were not appropriate for me. Like the ones that start as a black man. Yeah, I'll sometimes I'll give away a joke and then I'll say, oh man, I should have kept that one. But in the moment, we're like, yeah, you need this.

You need this joke, you know? Well, we are. I mean, no matter how good you're doing it or how much material you have, we're always going to be joke horters because we remember when we were hungry and we didn't have enough jokes to get through like even 20 minutes. So we it's almost like when you're starting out and you're poor and you're eating a lot of the club food, the free food that you get. And so when there's free food, you kind of like eat as much as you can or you're trying to take it with you. You know, it's like, oh, there's some food and that's good to have that food.

And it's a little like that as you never lose those kind of like insecurities that was ingrained in you when you were starting out. So yes, I write everything that could possibly be of use. And very often I say to myself, you don't have to, you know, you've got enough. This is probably not ever going to make it to the A-list. So what are you writing it to? I might someday need more. I remember starting out and I would go to the comedy store in the improv and there'd be

comics up there with so many jokes and I had nothing. And I thought, why can't 20 comics give me just one of their jokes, 20 different comics? That way I'd have at least 10 minutes, you know? And I have nothing now. I mean, wouldn't it hurt them that much if they gave me one joke? Well, that's what the communists would do, Kevin.

I know, I'm a communist. That's why it's been a communist. No, that's called being generous and helping, you know, helping. A generous if it's voluntary, communism if it's forced. I wouldn't, it wouldn't be forced. I would say, would you guys want to give me your jokes? I think that's fine. If you want, if people want to volunteer to give you something about you that they have,

that should be their right, but you shouldn't be forced by the king's men in your home which is sacrosanct or like the king's castle and forced to do these things Kevin. I hope I help my you've been getting my newsletter You can live a libertarian life We are brought to you by signal wireire. SignalWire powers the future of cloud communications. Built by the tech OGs, the original geeks of software defined telecom, their mission is to make it simple for you to build whatever you can imagine, using real-time voice video or text messaging.

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SignalWire wants to give you a gift. Visit signalwire.com slash random and claim a free t-shirt when you sign up for a demo. Go to signalwire.com slash random and claim your free t-shirt. Go to signalwire.com slash random and claim your free t-shirt. Go to signalwire.com slash random. I was speaking of libertarian. Do you? I don't even know you know if you've still or ever or whatever. It's a candy. You go ahead and you do it. You never a clove cigarette. It was never your thing. No, it's never my thing. Yeah, that's fine.

I don't I don't I don't thank you. I like it. I still like it. I still like it. I don't judge. I don't judge. I really don't. I mean, I do, but not to. I don't like to be out of control. Really? You know, I love it. Do you have to be out of control? Do you think it kind of numbs? Is it num you? No, it hurts me. You don't want to be full, numbs me. I would, I would, I would want to be num. I want to be num if I'm in pain. I'm not in pain. I'm like having a great time getting high and talking with a great guy who's hysterically funny, who's making me laugh, who I've wanted to know better for a thousand years. Why would I want to dull that? You know what I, and past that cocaine and ketamine. I can't one word in for one.

No you can. I want to thank you for every time I came up real time. And politically incorrect. You are too much. You were so nice. I was. You were, because I would go on there. I must have come. I'm 60 You were because I would go on there. What I, what I turn 60. Hello, I'm over here.

What I turn 60. I woke up one morning. You can watch the tape here what I said. I woke up and I said, you know what? I'm going to do this stuff that scares me. I'm tired of like being a, you know, like hiding out and not tricking a nut. I said that. I said it now and I said it before. I'm tired of like hiding out and not drinking chances. I said that.

I said it now and I said it before. So you must agree with it. I said to myself, I said, I'm going to start doing this. That this scares me. And one of them was real time with Bill Mar. The other one was Howard Stern. And I always avoid his turn because I knew he put people on the spot and he makes you come back.

Oh, I'm out of the people. But for some reason, I started listening to his interview as he got a lot better and not doing that. But I went out there prepared for anything. And he came out and he was so nice. He was so nice to me. You know, I have a long story to history up and down with that man. And I find it so sad these days that I can't

see him because of the pandemic and I know we don't agree on that. Not that I think has made us not like each other because we didn't have a good relationship for a very long time. I'm very bitter. And then boy, it all changed and it just shows there's some great things about age and getting older and wiser and mellow or smarter, and we became such good friends again. And it was like a romantic story, like, you know,

Bogey and then they met in Casablanca and it was gonna be good again. And then the war came. And in this case, the pandemic came. And I don't think I'll ever see him again because I don't think he'll ever leave the house because he's, what, no, you know he's very, very, very, um, look, I don't want to judge it,

but he's scared of germs. Come on, I mean, he's, he's a lot, he's, you know, he said, people have different views about that and they're allowed. I don't agree with some things he said about the pandemic. I think we're very wrong, you know, we shouldn't treat people who don't agree with some things he said about the pandemic. I think we're very wrong. You know, we shouldn't treat people who don't get vaccinated. It's stuff like that.

You've always been controversial. And things. I remember, didn't you say something about recycling that it wasn't good? Didn't you? No. It's you now. I did it.

Let's play it again. Let's take a look. No, but I did. And I think you say those things just to get ruffle feathers and get a conversation. I've never, ever, never did that. I've never, ever once in my life. I mean, on television anyway, said anything I don't believe just to become deferral. No.

Okay. And I think, you know, when you look at what I've said, it doesn't, it's not crazy. How do you think we'd do on a road trip to go? I think, you know, when you look at what I've said, it doesn't, it's not crazy. How do you think we'd do on a road trip together? I think, well, it depends on the conditions of traveling. Traveling is all about how comfortable you could make it. Yeah. If it was a private plane and we'd had our hotel room. Oh, no, I said a road trip.

A road trip? No, that's out. I mean, I wouldn't, I wouldn't go on a road trip alone. Would I drive or would you drive? Let's say you had to go. But, I mean, the only way this could happen in real life is if it was a movie, because again, we'd be working, see? To get back to that theme, we'd be working together.

Okay, so we're making this movie where we're- It's a documentary. It's a drive cross country. It's a remake a little false and big Halsey. Okay, you're obviously big Halsey. And I remember what that movie was about, but it doesn't matter because we're using the title and we're driving a cross country on a horse.

No, let's make it a car. No, let's make it a rocket ship. Okay, no, a car. All right, so we're... First of all, it's two lane black top with James Taylor and Dennis Wilson. No, first of all, the studio wants one of us to be black. Okay, so right away you're out.

Okay. No. Okay, so say we do this movie. We would be essentially together all day. I mean, the only way I would do it is if they gave us like a ton of money, which they would not to pick us. There's no demand for this movie, although after this interview, who knows? Who knows what could happen.

But if we did, I could enjoy that. I mean, I remember the days of acting in the 80s and, you know, was that will you or was it car wash or something? Well, there was cannibal women in the 80s and you know was that will you were in was it car wash or something well there was cannibal women in the avocado jungle of death i was in dc cab tizzy cab that's one of course 11 academy awards went to other films that year um but see i did one of you that's a good one yeah do you have a dog you have a dog here? That's it. I see a lot of dog dishes. I hear, not in the club, but the guest room.

The guest room. The guest building. The guest building. It's not this one. The guest building. No, there's up in the guest house. Oh, the tree of that house. Yes, that one.

You've got houses for you, you don't even know about. Yeah, there's a house up there. You got to check it out. No, I know about that house. That's not the divorce. You know, that's when you get stoned, right? You don't even know about it. Yeah, there's a house up there. You got to check it out. No, I know about that house. That's not the divorce. That was when you get stoned, man. You don't even know. Right, no.

The house? Yes, no, that's not the divorce house, though. No, no, no, no. It's a different house. Yes, well, there are dogs. Two dogs. I've always had two dogs. I mean, I know you're an animal lover, right?

Yeah, I got a great dog growing up. I mean, very know you're an animal lover, right? Yeah, I got a, I had a great dog growing up. I mean, very smart and your dog smart. Which, you have a book there? Do I have a, my dog did a lot of tricks, but they're all slide-a-hand. Why do you have a book? Would you think I was going to bore you? You're might start reading your, actually. I've had air buds in.

Oh my god, is that Shanley? That is Shanley. Holy shit. And so this is a book called? Oh, that's your book. I exaggerate. It's caricatures. Oh my God, is that Shanley? That is Shanley. Holy shit. So this is a book called? Oh, that's your book. I exaggerate. It's caricatures. Oh my God, let me see that book.

But I've done, it's called I exaggerate my brushes with fame. Oh. And I've just did a lot of characters of people. You'll recognize some of them in there. And then a little antidote on the opposite page. Just talking about my experience with them. Oh, what a great idea for a book.

And as a favor to you, I did not put you in there. I, I don't deserve to be in here because we've never done this. These are noodle-ass. You have no anecdotes about me. See, now we're creating anecdotes. And that's what it's all about in this business, Kevin, is creating anecdotes.

Wow, you're, I know all these people are, they're really good to, these, I would sketch on airplanes on an app control barf bag. He's an interesting barf bag. Yeah, yeah. Is it, oh my God, that's a great Robin Williams. You got the hair too. Yeah.

I talk about Robin Williams my first came out here. First installment. Perfect. Oh Jesus. That's a, do you have a thing again? Bud Friedman for those who don't know is the man who really invented the place where we all started.

He started the improv in 1962 as an off-Broadway place in New York. For performers to go after the show, they were still keyed up, they were drugged, they wanted to perform, they had more songs in them they were on it. The adrenaline of the high from the applause on Broadway. And it would come after the show in the early 60s and do something very hip and improvisational and there would be a big client in the back of the room. And then comedians came in and so it became

the first comedy club. I walked by there a couple of years ago. It's like a Italian restaurant now. Oh, yeah. But the brick wall is still in there. It really is. And that's what came from all the comedy clubs having a brick wall. You know?

Right. The improv. I remember when there were brick wall TV shows. Is that right? Well, the first show I ever did was I came out here to do. I think it was maybe evening at the time. Did you do that?

I did, a couple times. Yeah, it was like they just literally put the camera in the comedy club. Who hosted your show? I don't remember that, but I do remember I did the Young Comedians special in 1983. Carol Leifer was another one of the young comedians and the host was John Candy. No way really. And I was very nervous to meet him and like, yeah. And he was probably six years older than me.

I was 27. He was 33. I thought he was like, because he was a star and he was, you know, anyway. Oh my god, Johnny Carson. Oh, this is a small coming out of Johnny's mouth. Yes. It used to come out of his mouth after the break. Take a course. And then he lap and you get that residual smoke. Wow. These are amazing. Wow. You know, Jim Carrey. So that's about a 24th.

Okay. Oh my gosh. Can I keep this one? I wish I could give that to you, but I only have 2000. No, it's the only one I have. It's an advanced copy. So I kind of use that. Well, I really appreciate it.

I see Humphrey Bogart. You don't know Humphrey Bogart? No, but I met Lauren Bacall. I did a film with her. And she told me- You did a film with Lauren Bacall. Yeah, I did. What? Oh, God. It was called All I Want For Christmas.

Christmas movie. And she told me stories about Humphrey Bogart. I ain't fucking with me. I'm not. Look at me. This is a good gig. Look at you. That's the whole your heart. So you tell me if this is true or not, but you did a Christmas movie. Yeah. And Lauren Bacall was in there. And they put the plot of this movie. Well, let me just tell you what happened. There was kids in there

and they're running around all the time. They're like 10 years old. Kids, you can't see each other in the movie. Yeah. Chasing each other. And this infuriated Lauren Bacall. Betty Reckuller. She'd be standing in the stairs and she would say, she wants to 80 and to 10. Probably, yeah. And she finally broke, she'd said, with somebody, please stop these invasals from running around. So here's a great story. She got into a fight with Humphrey at home because Humphrey didn't take the T-shirt. He wasn't alive then.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. This is before. Okay, so make that clear. You're made. It really shouldn't get stolen where you don't know. You made it. I would hardly go this way. No, no. She got into the fight with them when they were married. I can't, but you didn't say that. I mean, people don't remember it. You know, let me finish.

If there's people who were younger, they don't know that Humphrey Bogart died in 1957. Did he really? Yes. How do you know that? I just, numbers like dates stick in my mind. I don't know, but you could look that up on your magic light box and I swear to God, he died in 1957. So how'd you like that story? All right, let's go ahead. What happened? I have two stories on a hungry vulgar So okay, so let's set the stage you're on this movie with Lauren McCall who's bogie's widow That's correct. They married in 1945. I'm like the asshole at the beginning of the movie thing Yes, they met on to have or have not a movie. She was 19. He was 45. It was 1945. So everyone thought that that was like outrageous 45 and 19. That's just not going

there Kevin. Okay, so and then yeah, they had 12 years together, and she once called him the handsomeest ugly man in the world. So by the time you work with her, she's 80, an old bag. She's not 80, I think she was my age now. But she, you probably have more a Humphrey Bogas stories than I am. Apparently. All right, so here's when you don't know.

I got into a fight because he did not wash the dishes or something. And he left the house, he slammed the door. And he was gone for two days. And then she's getting worried about him. Finally, she gets a phone call. It's help free. He asks if she could come and pick him up.

He's down on the PCH and walking from Long Beach. And she gets in the car, goes to pick him up. She's driving down Pacific Coast Highway, and she sees him on the side of the road, walking toward her, just holding a single rose. Wow. Let's start it. Wow. What was the rose for? The other one that was really crazy is that she said that when Humphrey got cancer, he would be up in his bedroom and he got really frail.

Lost a lot of weight and they would have people come over for dinner and he wanted to miss out. So she would fold the head to the dumb waiter and they would lower him down. And he would come out of the bottom. He would come out of the bottom, they'd greet the guests. And for Gen Z, Kevin, what is a dumb waiter? Have you ever eaten that canters? Yes.

They got a dumb waiter over there. Dumb waiter is like an elevator back in the 40s. What they would bring dishes, I don't think you know what it is. You look at it and be like, what's the dumb way to do? No, I do know what it is. I wish I didn't. I wish I was Gen Z. Yeah, but you're, you know.

But yeah, it was like an elevator for things instead of a person. It was smaller than an elevator. So that if the maids were up on the second floor and the people in the kitchen needed something from the second floor, they would lower it down through the dumb waiter. You want to tell the Gen Z what a kitchen is? I think it's on my wife what a kitchen is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. See, that's an example of a joke I would give to you

because I can't do it because I'm not married. That joke doesn't work for me. See? But you don't do wife jokes, do you? I don't. Because I'm trying to be reasonable. You're hysterical. You should totally do that.

You are missing a big trick. In fact, I think you should become kind of a one-issue comedian. Just my wife, my wife, my wife. Now, you have a beautiful, lovely wife. Who... Who, um... Do you remember any jokes

from the comics that influence you growing up? Of course. I was, you know why I was a fan of Stanley Miron Handelman. But yes, I remember Stanley Myron Handleman. He was the best. Those are the days, like early 70s, when there was one new comic a year. Yeah. A year.

Like this year it's Stanley Myron Handleman. You know, and then you got every show, Merb Griffin and all the talk show, every, you just got my red pencil, man. I mean, you got some of the older crowd that were making the rounds, Charlie Callis. You know what, I missed you, Don. Rickles, you know, but as far as new ones,

you got him. And you, you know. Yeah, no, I used to read the jokes in the back of the parade magazine every Sunday, my favorite jokes. And then I would memorize them, go to a party and tell them like they were my own jokes. I personalized them.

And I come up to somebody and say, hey, what you guys heard about the guy who robbed a fire truck? He stole a fire truck, downtown on Main Street, that from that fire station down there. And I, you kidding me? No, no, isn't it the get-em? I said, yeah, he was arrested by some guy

who stole a cop car. I was like, from the back of, magazine. But you just made a conversation. mean, you just made a conversation. Yeah, I did. I made a conversation. No one came in front of me and goes, you should go into New York and try to come in clubs. This is still how you get your business.

That's how I still do it. And parade magazine is still a thing. No, no, I saved the copies. I did. Oh, I can't. What are you still working out? You were too much seriously. Whenever I think of you, I think,

man, he's kept himself in good shape. Well, it's great to have a bro like you ask a question like that to a bro like me. I'm sending you love, man. I'm sending you. No, I know you are. Well, do you have a gym here? Yes. Is it called a random gym?

If you randomly go in there? I mean, it's a gym. Yes, I have a room that's not big. It has some very basic equipment. In the solar flex? A solar flex. Wow. I had not thought about solar flex in probably 35 years.

I had one in my first department in West Hollywood. How quickly does that become a close rack? Yeah, a solo flex with the rings. Yes, I wanted to do a segment on my show called Your Product is a Piece of Shit, where I would just show products that you just made a piece of shit. And it's more prevalent now, I think, than ever.

People who just don't care about their work, and they sell you something that just in some fundamental way just doesn't work. Like, how hard would it be to have the team maker thing go down, stay up instead of just sliding down? That's what you were. So a team maker thing? Yeah, you know, like, it's just sliding down. That's what you were... You were sitting a tea maker thing?

Yeah, you know, like, it's like that French press. Yeah, yeah. And I had six of them. That's called. Five of them, it didn't work. Really? How hard are you pressing? No, it's not a press.

I'm trying to keep it up. I gotta take a break. We'll be back after this. Bill Marley. Bill Marley. Bill Marley. Oh, man. You said that.

You're right back. Oh, man. Man, these gloves, cigarettes, I tell you, I don't know what they're putting in. Why do they call them gloves? Oh, I think it's just the gloves they put in there. You know what they say? I think they come from exotic lands. You know where they smoke on TV shows?

What happened? Weeds. What, does it smell? Oh, yes, too, you mean too. Honey Rose Herb. It's a honey rose herb. I think they come from exotic lands. You know where they smoke on TV shows? What happened? On weeds. What does it mean? Oh, yes, too. Honey Rose herb. It's a honey rose herb. I've never heard of it. That's what they smoke on all the TV shows and movies.

Yeah, sure. Right. Because you're not allowed to smoke. But it's got a little bit of a kick to it, because they get it from the honey rose cartel in Colombia. You see this one in those moments. I think you're fucking crazy. I know. honey, Rosarita, I'm telling Columbia. I know you are, but when you say I'm serious, you're just setting me up for the bigger one.

So like, honey, Rosarita, and Zell sounds like a giant punchline waiting to kick me in the nuts. No. Have you ever come in contact with Mafia? Have a come into contact with the Mafia is the question from our listeners. I have, let's see. I, well, you know, when I started, there was the club was catchurizing star

that I'm sure you remember well. For a club they ever went to. Is that right? It is, because that, my friend, as you gotta go to New York, check out those clubs, so I go in there and it's packed. People's smoking, the comics reach your bells

or bury your diamonds. Yes. Go ahead and super. Oh my gosh. My gosh. I check out those clubs, so I go in there and it's packed. People's speaking, the comics Richard Belser, Barry and I, I'm in. Yes. Glenn Super. Oh my gosh. My shift. Third of that. Yes, I know Mark still.

Great guy. Alison. Well, Levison. That was, catchurizing start was my life from like 1979 when I started to like, when I moved out here in 83. And my goal was to be the MC because the MC was though You know you were sitting home. So when I got that it was like great, you know And I would bring up Belzer like you said to all these these great people. Yeah, I mean

I'm still friendly with the guy the owner Rick it was Rick Newman's guys right Rick Newman great guy Yeah, great guy and you know very diamond. And, you know, he's very diamond. Oh, of course, Barry Diamond was a shoebox. George Wallace, I mean, everybody worked the club. But, you know, we all had our own club. Some was the improv, some was catch, some was the comic strip. Sign fell to those guys were the comic strip, the Long Island guys, it seemed like Eddie Murphy.

And then there was the improv acts. But I was a catch act. And the rumor was always that the mob, yeah. Right. Well, the Joe Piscopo, where they throw them down the stairs. Everyone heard that story. The Joe Piscopo pissed somebody off,

and they, I don't know, you know, it gets embellished. They punched them, you're saying they threw them down the stairs? Yeah, yeah. I heard they killed them. But only momentarily. You're saying they threw him down the stairs? Yeah, yeah. I heard they killed him. But only momentarily. And then the person you saw, the body builder, after that, was a dad.

Remember when Joe Piscopo got so into his own body that he forgot he's a comedian, and I mean, he says, we described it. Like, I guess we got it. It's big muscles are not something people care about in a comedian. In fact, they may be counterproductive. I know, I know.

They're distracting. When I was at SNL, there was a guy that used to come up with his kid, his kid had cancer or something. So they would bring him up, they let him come in and he'd come to the show and he was so thankful the guy and then the kid got better to go off to college or whatever and the guy kept coming back.

And he was like a super-entern of a building and I think he might have been in the mob. He would call me sometimes you, Kevin. If you ever need anything, I mean anything. You come to me. Well, I mean, I need material. That's what I need. Can you write a sketch?

Well, so I got a feeling that he might have been connected. I also, I mean, as long as we're going down this road, now you're making me rummage in my mind about the mom. But when I was a pot dealer in New York, this is not the college my deal, you know, because pot deals in New York sellin' pop. I was not on the streets. I saw it was all only in the clubs.

Okay. I mean, the comics, the band, Belzer still owes me $1200 for pot. And that's when an ounce was $50. But he was the big act. The MC was better than blowing him. No, I'm kidding. I love Richard Belser and he was not asking me to blow him.

But I was shit. What were we talking about? I was very important to me. It was very important to me. You were talking about selling pot in the clubs. Yeah. Two other comedians. Yeah.

And you weren't on a street dealer. And you like the catcher rising and stoning? Oh, no, the mafia. The mafia. Yeah. Look at that. I'm stoned. And I remember it in you deal with, oh, my way to the big shot.

That's where you get for being tall and having the blood slow to your brain. I just made that up. But, okay. The mafia. When I was, then in the, so, okay your brain, I just made that up, but okay. The mafia, when I was, then in the, okay, so when I was at Cornell, that was one dealer. Does that look good?

Because when you were a pot dealer, did we have a comedy club, Cornell? No, no. No, that's where I learned to be a pot dealer. No, so there I had, of course when you're a dealer, especially we were the always the low, by a dealer, especially, we were always the low, by me and my partner, we were the lowest end, we're selling individual ounces. So we need a guy we're getting it from, and then he gets it from a guy above him, obviously.

So my dealer there, he was not the dealer I had when I then moved to New York to start comedy. That was a different guy. And that guy, I think his brother was in the mom because he was very Italian and the bot was very cheap. I feel like, can you be selling bot for this price? I think because my brother gets it by the ton. And then this is like a little sign like,

I don't know if that's true and I'm glad I left out the names, but I think I remember once this I would go over his hat. This was oh, this is wonderful He lived in Connecticut. I'll leave it in an undisclosed location. I used to Leave my shit hop set shit box apartment on eighth Avenue. Yeah over the bus stop. With my briefcase that my mother gave me for Christmas that looked like a lawyer's briefcase that I was using to then go transport pot. I would walk down to Penn station,

get the train up to this town in Connecticut, walk because I was like, A Blinken, learning borrowing marijuana. I love that story. It's a great story. I'm gonna fit it. I would walk to this pot dealer's house. And this is, I think, his brother was in the mom.

And I would buy the pot. And he always said, it was like back in the days when you had to like, socialize with the dealer. Right, you had to kind of be nice to the dealer. I just wanted to get the pot and go. Yeah. And I remember his wife would come in one time she accused,

he was supposed to have quit pot. And she said, I know you've been smoking. No, I'm just selling it. He says this in front of me. And she says, no, I think you've been smoking. I haven't. And she went, I see some pot on your tooth.

But yeah, those are my brushes with the mom. I mean, you know, I don't know why they would, you went to Vietnam, didn't you? I did not go to Vietnam. I was lucky. I came of age to be drafted exactly as the war ended. Me too. Where is that right?

Yeah. I would even graduate high school. Oh, 71. I'm 92. But I thought I remember going up in college looking at the draft numbers on the wall. Everybody was like crowded around it to see what I sort of remember my number, 61. But the war was winding down, so then I never got to them.

Right, see I graduated in 74. You actually could have gone. Yeah. Well, no, because they, I think they stopped sending people. New people. They put our draft number up there. I think a few people went, but it was more like, everybody else was coming back

and they would say, where are you guys going? We're going back, all right. So they go back. Man, what would we have been like if we were a little older and had been in a place like that? Because there was a comedian who was, a member of Blake Clark. Blake Clark.

Yeah. He told me some, I tried some of the realist shit about Vietnam, you know, not on stage, but. Right, the helicopter crash and the helicopter. Yeah, not on stage, but- Right, the helicopter crashing. The helicopter, yeah. Crash on top of the hill and all the Vietnamese were coming up to get them. Why?

You didn't tell you that story? No. Oh, his helicopter, he was in hell. He was in hell. And how did he get out of that? Well, I don't know. I guess they had backups coming in or whatever, but he got out of it, but he's got a lot of shrapnel in him.

Oh, is that right? Yeah. No, he that right? Yeah. No, he, I mean, he told me things that made so much sense that I'd never heard anywhere else. Like, he said, a lot of times when there's a firefight, we stay under the wherever your hub cover and just do this, you know, raise your arms above your head but the rifle and fire like that,

because they don't want to expose their head. And I was like, yeah, I've always kind of wondered, do guys do that? And he would say, you know, we would like call in airstrikes on monkeys just because we wanted to make the people our superior officers think we were doing something and had, you know, like a lot of it was just, wanted to make the people our superior officers think we were doing something. Wow.

Like a lot of it was just, let's just survive one more day. We know no one's going to win this war. We're not going to. It's just, just try not to get, it's just, yeah, it's, um, war is bad, Kevin. I don't care who knows that I think that, but war. It picked you with a helmet on. I mean, you know, Belze used to have the juggie said, I wasn't, I can't be in the army. I'm a little too funny to fight. And it is kind of true. I think comedians, because they see their absurdity of war.

But also you get out of the combat stuff, because you are doing performing for them. You're in a training, like, who is your comedian, like a Robin Williams, you know, in the good morning Vietnam, you know, or I know a lot of guys that went to, you know, the service, they got drafted and they got enough to fight,

because they were performers, and they would have them entertain the troops. Yeah, I mean, Elvis, of course, fell in the suit. Well, there's two. Elvis Castellas, a pretty great Elvis. But, you know, when he went in the army, like it was 1958, I think, and, you know, the movie tries to make it like, oh, Elvis went in the army because otherwise

it would all rest him for being a loot. They weren't arresting him. Yes, it was 1958 and they were a little, oh my god, he's swiveling his hips and the girls are, yeah. But they weren't arresting him. But everybody was, you know, back then, it was only 13 years after World War II.

People just went. But he's a worked wallet. I mean, he made movies, GI Blues, and it wasn't like he stopped working. Do you know that I lived in Germany for a while? When I was six until I was ten. Really? Yeah. And I lived in a German neighborhood.

All the other Americans lived on a military base. My father worked for a helicopter company, Sikorsky's, and they had a contract with a, he would call it a German outfit, you know, back then they'd call a company's outfits. Sure. And when he said German outfit, I thought he worked for later Jose, you know. But so anyway, we go there and we're living in a German neighborhood. So all my friends were German, and I learned how to speak German pretty fluently. And I remember, and this was like 15 years after the war,

I remember going to one of my German friends' house. And in the middle of the year, they had a glass case with like the German, all the German boats set up. You know, I could, what do you call those? It's on the fake water. Where are we? Yeah, I die of rama and all the boats.

And I remember, and I still remember to this day, so it must have affected me at that time. And these were like, I mean, are all Germans soldiers Nazis? No. Well, I mean the German soldier, look, most of you don't get me depending, hey, here's what I want to say to you. You know what I don't like about Hitler?

I'll tell you what I don't like. Everybody else in the third right used to give the full Nazi salute, right, with the arm fully out, and Hitler will just give you this. Yeah, yeah. Which I always thought was like so privilegey. And I'm like, oh, everybody else, me, just this. But no, to be serious.

That's how he flags the cap, to be serious about the Nazis and the soldiers. Certainly, the entire German nation was pretty… The Trump movie letter. …was pretty gung-ho for Hitler and Nazism. And I think that includes the soldiers where they actual party members know. But, I mean, what historians have always puzzled over Germany so much is that it's such a brilliant nation. It's the nation of Beethoven and Schiller and Schopenhauer.

And how could they go so psycho, right? Which might be a cautionary tale for us in Trump, you know? But certainly, they went psycho for this guy. And that's why they were so scary because there's such a brilliant efficient people that when they turned their talents, shall we say, to evil, they were brutally efficient at that. If Hitler hadn't basically gone nuts and attacked, you know, starting a two front war and then insisted that the soldiers stay there

until they died, do all this crazy shit, they probably would have taken over the world. Yeah, it sounds like Putin. Except Putin's a paper tiger, he can't even take over Ukraine. Really, he's getting his ass kicked in Ukraine. That's like, you know, the Buster Douglas. When you remember that fight?

Sure, 1979. No. I'm kidding. Later than that. That was. It was, Tyson was the name. Do you miss a real time? Still doing well?

You are really. This is just, this is where I, this is where I, this is where I, you know. I mean, well, because this is different than real time, you have to be more political. It's very different. It is so different. I mean, the idea of me getting loaded and saying, like, what are we talking about?

I mean, they would have a heart attack. HBO would just, they would like call Bellevue. But you spaced out on that show. It never, never once. Really? Spaced out. I'm reading a lot of that now. No.

No. They're a great daydream. No. Because the boring guys. Are you kidding? No, no, no. Look at me. What are we saying?

Oh, we're talking about. Ah. Ah, I'm a... So, yes, I love it the way my channeling of your thought process for the last half hour has been, which is ridiculous, but I feel like... We've been here two hours. No, we have, I know exactly how long we've... We see the clock right there. I can see everything.

Even if I didn't have a clock, I can do it. But I'm channeling what you're thinking is like, Bill is so loaded. I was thinking that. That I really have to take over and ask him, which is just like, no, I would trust me. I would get to a million things. Believe me, not that I have a lot of.

You have more topics to talk about. You have so much knowledge. You read a lot, smoke a lot. And I know that about you. For years, you're a smoker. You smoke thought. And you love it. I really, I do, well, you know.

Would you say you're stolen more during the day than the day? I don't get stolen as much, nearly as much as people think. I never in my life have gotten stolen every day of the week. Ever. I don't think I've ever logged seven days in a row where I've nearly as much as people think, I never in my life have gotten stone every day of the week, ever. I don't think I've ever logged seven days in a row where I'm still. Okay, because I read about that too. No, I mean, you know, these guys,

I had Snoop Dogg on once and I said, Snoop, you know, I think I have the credentials to say this to you, you smoke too much pot. You know, there are people who just light up the second they roll out of bed and they smoke to the end of the day. And it become, to me, that's ridiculous because then that would become your normality.

I want to smoke to like have a heightened experience. Although this is kind of convincing me to go the other way. What was the last vacation you took? Well, let me tell you took? Yeah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Well, let me tell you, Merv, the... What was the first concert you ever went to?

Ah. The first concert. Let me guess. It was funny as well on my last vacation. You were on my last vacation. You were on my last vacation. You were on my last vacation. You were on my last vacation.

You were on my last vacation. You were on my last vacation. You were on my last vacation. You were on my last vacation. You were on my last vacation. You were on my last vacation. You were on my last vacation. What was the last vacation?, well, my last concert. It was the four seasons. No, I'm gonna answer the other one.

What was the other one? Where's last place you wanted to occasion? Oh, yeah. Well, you know, I do the whole idea. I've invited you on the... I know, I was like, I could go up. I don't be an aspirin. Seriously.

That sounds like that bullshit. Yeah, I'm a gigan aspirin. It's so hard to tell when you're... I was, I asked Mark. Every year, you had a gigan aspirin? Why would you want to be an aspirin? It's so hard to tell when you're I was I asked Mark every year you had a good Good assman Why would you be an assman? Because my kid loves a ski and he likes the ski and really nice places my kid loves the ski what a dick

No, it's true. He loves a kid. He loves the ski really. Oh, and the ski Oh, yeah, oh, so that's a big Neal and family thing. We go skate. It's a Neal and it's something. Neal and it's something. You know what it is? How old is he? He's 15.

OK. He wants a ski from the minute the chair lets start to the end. I'm more of a half day skier. So I stay with him though, because, you know, he's my son. I don't want him to get hurt on the hill. And then it's over.

We're heading back to the resort. I don't think, to get hurt on the hill. And then it's over. We're heading back to the resort. I don't think I can't wait to get in bed, take a hot bath. And on the way back on the bus, the show bus, he goes, let's go play in the snow and we get back. Let's have a snowball fight. And I do it because I want him to have memories of me having a heart attack in the snow.

Well, okay. You know what I'm saying? I know what you're saying. And I'm like, I'm tempted. I'm tempted to say, I don't know. I'm sure, like, I had never had kids so I don't really, it's not too late, by the way. It is way too late.

I don't think so. I hope so. And it's not gonna happen anyway. But like, I just gotta say, like, if my father took me like, kind of, great exposure to like this, like, skiing all day, and then we got back to where we were going. And I said, oh, let's have a,

let's go fight in the snow now. He would have said, you just had a whole fucking day. Okay? Say thank you. You know, parents these days, they just seem to have kids do everything that the, you know, the kid asks. And, you know, like, you're, he gave him life. He owes you, babe. I don't want to change the subject. He owes you. I don't want to change the subject, but I was talking to somebody, well, not three days ago, four days ago. And he randomly said, these kids these days. And he said, you know who started that? Bill Mar. No, I said, I don't think so. I think that was around like during the Vodville.

Of course, I was doing a parody of that. I know. And I told him that. Who's this idiot? What are you hanging out with them instead of me? I don't know. You could be here at Club Random. If you had a party down here? I had parties every 20 years before. Why wasn't I here? Exactly. See, that's why we're not friends.

I know. I hate myself. I don't know. We just never got on each other's thing. What do we do now? I have too many guy friends. Another 20 years is gonna have to go, but you know. Can you ever have too many friends together? Because you know, you can't give them quality time.

No, I have friends, I haven't even used yet. I've heard that before. Yeah. So, yeah. Yeah, I know. I mean, you can never have too many friends. Yeah, but you don't have good friends though, because you don't have a quality time with them,

and you're juggling friends. Well, you know, there's, look, I know this sounds bad when you say collect things, but you collect one of the, again, one of the nice things I must say about being this age, as opposed to younger, is you've collected a lot of good things that you wouldn't have when you were younger because you hadn't collected them. And people are one of those things. I have friends from like my comedy days. Not a lot, but the ones who like stood the test of time, you know, Jimmy, Valely, you, and then like potential ones. Like, you know, ones I didn't even use. Breakpod L.

Yeah, breakpod L. And then I have friends who I'm like, when I was acting and a director friend who was still a friend and stuff, and then from politically incorrect people who organically became friends when they kept coming on the show and stuff and then real time. I mean, so you have, yeah, it's great to have many friends because I remember when I was in college and I had no friends. Really?

I remember what it was like to have no friends. Why did you get none of friends? Because it was Cornell. Because, you know, you got there, your freshman year, you know, my roommate wasn't interested in friendship really. We were in enemies, we just didn't seem to much in common, didn't talk, weren't there at the same time.

I did have one friend he lived across the hall, and I'm grateful for that. We kind of, a meals together and stuff, I had somebody. But really, I remember being like just on the, I would dread the weekend because I had nothing to do. I, the weekdays were okay because I had work to do with college. It was a reason I was there. Weekend, I was like, oh, fuck.

I mean, Cornell was a brutal place, especially for guys in the 70s. It was like three or four or five to one men, to women, you know, and I didn't have to talk to women if I there was one who wanted to talk to me and they were probably going out with the upper class. How about now? I'm going now.

How about now? Do you find it easy to talk to women? How so easy. Oh, I'm playing with the house money. And, you know, you just become much more understanding of women, it takes a long, long time, you know, you just become much more understanding of women. It takes a long, long time, you know? I mean, it's one reason I'm kind of glad I didn't get married. I kind of needed the practice.

Do you know what the one piece of advice for marriage, the work, for a guy? I don't really care. No, no, no. Our relationship. What is it? Our relationship. What happened? What's the best advice you can give somebody

to keep relationship going or a marriage? It's, I can't answer that question because it depends on the individual. I can answer that question for me. Generally, let's say general. There's no general because some people like waking up next to a person every day That's what they love. That's what they need some people they hate that I Can't answer that question and tell you tell me which person I'm talking to you're talking to me

I think your person who likes to wake up next to someone every day, right? You like I do like that. You do like that, but it doesn't matter who it is. I will tell you the answer to that. Having been married twice and having dated before, listening, listening to the your partner. Jesus, you understand what my doctor filled. No, no, no, no, I'm giving. I'm giving it. Listen, like you my doctor-filled notes. No, it's fine.

I'm giving it, I'm giving it, listening. Like you're the first one who's the guy. He's not gonna use the advice. Like you're the first one to think of listening. No, I got the answer from somebody. I didn't think of it. And I thought when he said that, I thought that didn't sense.

The fact that you haven't been here, we haven't done this is not all my fault because I'm realizing now, as this conversation progresses, I am one of your best audiences. You are. I always laugh. Because you always make me laugh. And with the comedian, as we know,

that word make is real. You have to make them. They don't volunteer it. Is that funny, though? Especially you. Especially you. Especially you. Some people are really good laughers. I know., really good laughers. Especially for you, really good laughers.

Some people are really good laughers. Some people are really good laughers. Some people are really good laughers. Some people are really good laughers. Some people are really good laughers. Some people are really good laughers. Some people are really good laughers. Some people are really good laughers.

Some people are really good laughers. Some people are really good laughers. Some people are really good laughers. Some people are really good laughers. Some people are really good laughers. Some people are really good laughers. Some people are really good laughers. Some people are really good laughers.

Some people are really good laughers. Some people are really good laughers. Some people are really good laughers. Some people are really good laughers. Some people are really good laughers. Some people are really good laughers. Some people are really good laughers. Some people are really good laughers. Some people are really good laughers. Some people are really good laughers. Some people are really good laughers. Some people are really good laughers. Some people are really good laughers. Some people are really good laughers. Some people are really good laughers. Some people are really good laughers. Some people are really good laughers. Some people are really good laughers. Some people are really good laughers. Some people are really good laughers. Some people are really good laughers. He's the most loving, generous guy, but he'll, and then he tops it, you know. He just wants to get to, and that's good, and then he'll do it. Or he'll kinda call you, like, he'll go, yeah, so you got that.

Yeah, but he'll just, he'll always, he'll love that, yeah. He wants to tell the joke, not enjoy the joke. Whereas I love to enjoy a joke. Man, he used to crush at the improv. I used to bartend there for two years, so I saw a lot of people come and go. You bartend it?

Yeah, two years. Oh my god. I would see everyone come in there. And that used to be a big dance club for a while, like in 1981. What do we tell my DM? The improv. Yeah, I remember.

I used to cut a rug there myself. I did. I would see, I saw Timothy Leary come in there once. I saw Bob Fawci come in. Possibly with me. Probably. Yeah, you hung out with him? Yes, he did an episode of Hard Knocks, a sitcom I did on Showtime.

I seem to remember 1988, when Showtime had a subscription of like 300,000 people. And Timothy Larry was a guest star one week, and yeah, I remember hanging out with him a little bit. In fact, that chair over there, Timothy, that's the Timothy Larry chair. He burned a hole in it at a party, and so he then signed it, and I'm keeping it as a... That's crazy man, I think that's going to be worth a lot of money. But J.L.L.E.ennon would come in, he'd kill. Robin Williams would come in, Annie Kaufman. I got to see all of these people perform. And it was amazing.

It was such a great boot camp for me. You know, so... Kevin, I see you. Go ahead. Stifling Yons. No, no, no, no, no. I'm letting them come out. I'm letting them come out.

I've never had a guest. Say that, you know, I'm not on a... Yeah, it doesn't affect how much I love. People say I'm letting them come out. I'm letting them come out. I've never had a guest. Say that. I want to let you know, it doesn't affect how much I love. People say I'm not tired. Doesn't affect me. It doesn't. You look more like you're gonna fall asleep than me. I certainly don't.

Yes you do. So if you were just listening, that is made up and I think you can tell. But look, it makes me love you no less, but I can't help it notice. Maybe you get up early. You get up early? Yeah, okay. I can't, but I can't help it. Notice, maybe you get up early. You get up early? Yeah.

Okay. Well, I can't sleep. I haven't been sleeping. Okay. Well, I'm not tired. See, this is why we're not better friends, because you can't be honest with me. Really?

I'm being so honest with you. Be honest with me. You're tired. I'm going to let you go. No, I'm not tired. Why do you keep your oning? Because I'm not getting enough hoxity to buy plain. Well, that's been evident for years. Why do people think that you're bored if you're

yawning? Because it's an indication that you're bored. No, it's not. Well, it's not better. Let me show you what a board person looks like. It's not something I don't know. Okay, just to talk. I don't see what a board person looks like. It's just, it's not something, I don't know. Okay, just to talk, I don't say what a board person looks like. No, no, I'm not saying your board. I don't, I'm saying you're tired. I'm saying you're tired of me. Particularly. I'm all tired.

What? We're all tired. I'm not tired. Really? No. Why are you wearing your pajamas? I mean, no., now I'm serious. It's, I'm like, I'm so relaxed.

That's what it is. Yeah, that's great. You know what I, in general, in life, you have to be. Well, you know, I don't think I have any kind of emotions or feelings. Oh, yeah. Something happens. I don't really get excited about it. What are you talking about?

You never, my emotions. Really? Yeah. Are you kidding? Are you never going to lie? No, I'm serious. I don't like, my wife says Really? Are you kidding? Are you never going to hide it? No, I'm serious. My wife says this. She goes, you don't show anything.

I get over enthusiastic and you just kind of sit. You're very just even killed. It's because I don't believe it. I don't, I have low expectations. I don't think it's that easy. Does that bother her? Yeah. Yeah.

So she's like wants you to like show more of yourself. She wants me to be more demonstrative in a vocal way and enthusiastic. So we're looking at how to... Every chick that's the one, you ask me what the advice is, learn to either live with that or don't get involved with that particular quality in women. They always are going to think that you are somehow holding back more of the essence of you that you're not sharing with them. And so, you know, you have to either be like,

understand that that's always gonna be a monkey on your back or don't get involved because you could never quite give enough. It's funny to say that on Saturday Night Live, Jan Hooks had stage fright. And I had to go over to her house every Friday night and kind of hold her because she was terrified. Yeah.

She was this brilliant, special, brilliant. So great. And so we'd go and do the show and I was terrified for her, you know, and I was just like, oh, is she going to be able to do it? And then she'd go out there and kill it. Right. Same thing every Friday, every Friday. I go over to her place and I'd hold her and rock her

and I'd rock her. And she said, Lauren just is not like supporting. She's not encouraging me. And I don't know how he feels. Am I doing well on that? And I said, I'll say something to him. And it's hard to go and talk to Lauren about, wasn't even talking about me.

I go in there, I said, Lauren, Jan is like really insecure about how she's doing. Can you just tell her like she's doing great? And she's a wonderful performer. And he said, you know, Kevin, it's never enough. You know, if I told her once, it wouldn't be enough. Yes. So, well, that's not really a great reason not to do it once in a while.

Really, I know it. So I had to do it. But so, can I ask you this? Yeah. Your young barrel, you're over there cradling. As you say, this woman, this never turned into something romantic or sexual, you're cradling. You're, she's at this vulnerable moment.

She's in your arms. You're rocking your back. The rocking doesn't turn into seriously. I was gonna turn into something when someone's going through an anxiety attack. Oh. Yeah. I know you like that the way.

Well, no, but I mean, it because emotions can change. That's how, because an anxiety attack can eventually, after 20 minutes, people, you think that any time- You think I'm going way to round for 20 minutes Anytime people are somehow Brought together in emotional intimacy and this is like that's why in every movie when do people fuck after that Emotional moment and then they tear up their clothes in like two seconds I mean they get it in the pussy so fast, like in movies, it's reduced to a bit about it. It's like rapists cannot get it in that fast.

They just, because they're so hot when they get to it, that they just, and what, what, it always follows because some emotional crescendo. So you're having this with this woman, I'm just saying. Well, let me just ask you, if it ever happens. Well, I'm gonna tell you, I'm gonna tell you the story. Oh, great. I met Jan Hoax at an audition at 20th Century Fox,

and I was a sketch show thing. And I was just blown away how great she was in the audition. She was like, and I was attracted to her. And cute, yeah. And cute. And we laughed a lot, and we're walking out of it afterwards afterwards and I'm so attracted to her and also her talent. And I think we exchanged numbers and eventually she just said we're just going to be friends, just friends. And she was always dating like a scruffy writer.

But we would go out there happy hours. For six years we do that. We go out happy hours. We always have fun, laugh, and I was always thinking, why aren't we going out, you know? What do you think you blew it with us so bad? Well, let me finish. So we just get to the part where you're a giant pussy. One night, I guess we had a couple of drinks

and we went out to what's that country western club that was in New York, the Palamina club. And way out in the valley. It was Leon Russell and Willie Nelson playing. Wow. It just happened to drop in. Wow. And we had a couple of drinks and we started making it out at the bar.

And you know when a friendship turns into romantic, it's really enticing and very, and then we go back to my house and all of a sudden we're boyfriend and girlfriend. A year before SNL. So we're together for a year and then we both get SNL together. And so we go off to New York and her mother died right before she got to New York. So she was kind of a mess for that. She was a mess for SNL. And I wish we never became boyfriend, girlfriend, because we had so much fun when we. Yeah. It was expectations that might be, you know, you're, I probably guessing from this, this sketchiness of your telling of this, Jan Hook's tremendous talent. Yeah.

Obviously, tremendous insecurity. So that's always going to be when you're in the position of the boyfriend, now you're in the position of having job one in your life to assuage that insecurity. So you are constantly trying to fill up this pot that has a leak. So you know, it's never... So, that's... Well, what was the bottom line was, here's a great opportunity for me to fly and to enjoy this job. But a lot of my attention was focused on her

instead of my job, and this great opportunity. That's the first year of SNL. So, the first year. So the first year. So I was gradeling her in her own and we're about why you were cradling it because you were her boyfriend. Yeah. We buried the lead fool. Well, I was getting to the lead.

You know who puts that at the end. Oh, and we were boys. It's called story building. You know what I'm saying? No, I told you we started going out. So this reminds me of this record by, do you remember Gary Puckett and the young girl? Yeah, okay. They had young girl get out of that. I sang it my last special.

So, but then this one song it was not a hit, but it was called Don't Give Into Him. And the whole record goes, don't give it into him, why he's on this monkey. And then just in the last group, as it's fading out, you know, they used to fade out the records in the fade out, the very last thing barely here at Don't Give In To Him, because I'm the one who loves you more. I'm like, what? You have three minutes of the whole fucking song. And it's just the very last. And I'm the one who loves you more. Okay. That does guess a different light on the whole record. But you know what? Look at the Todd Rungren song.

We got to get you a woman. At the end. We got to get you a woman. Who sings this? Todd Rungren. You don't know that song. No, I don't. Oh my God.

But I like Todd Rungren. He's great. I mean, that's one of my favorite songs. And so he's talking about getting his body a woman. The whole song is about that. And at the end is, and when we get you one, they all get me one, two, one, two. I don't know.

That's not like they're, I don't know. A couple of guys that need a woman. Yeah. I don't know. So anyway, that's the story about, wow. Jen. Okay, well. But I loved her. After we broke up, we stay on the main friends and you still are

No, no, no she passed away. She did I Didn't know that you didn't all right forgot. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. How could you know? You know Jack Kennedy died Well, I would not be the first person who has heard a name and did not, you know, there used to be a- I guess I buried the lead again. She did not. She did not.

Exactly. I mean, I remember Abe Vagoda for some reason. At one point, I had to like put out a statement or there was a, I don't know, he took out an answer. Something was like, I'm not a big bull for some reason. Just assumed more than anyone else that poor A. Bogota was dead. And you know, you don't remember who dies. I mean, do you remember when the guy who plays Lurch, that big guy, he took out an ad in Variety, and he said, I'm not dead. Oh, yeah, yeah, sometimes you have

to. I mean, thank God. You to yourself and people that is Bill Mar. Dead. I did Bill Mar. Died. Really? Yeah. How do you know that? I go before I came over and I would find out who you were and what you're about. All right, I'm gonna let you get back into. Oh, yeah. I got it back. It's a work night for me. I got to work on my real show. No, are you really? Yeah. Climb.

Render. I told them when I signed on to do this, I said, I will not take any of them for you. Yeah. you