Club Random with Bill Maher - Kris Jenner | Club Random with Bill Maher

Episode Date: November 7, 2022

A belated Happy Birthday to Kris Jenner as Bill Maher and Kris randomly riff on Mexico and the origin story of Kendall’s 818 Tequila, why they wouldn’t want to go back in time and have to start over, the value of having children young, Bill’s door to door salesman job, the joy in Kris and her family finding success, how Hulu has reinvigorated the Kardashians TV show, and how haters are like germs.

Climb and now sit over there. Here? Okay. Your bucket of ice. You either have a sore foot or you're planning on having a tequila. Look at that, I brought you. Is that your tequila? It's Kendall's.

Right, I remember when she started that. Eight, one eight. Man. Eight, one eight. I seem to remember that tequila was not like a popular drink when we were young. It was when I was young because I grew up in San Diego so I was close to the border. And if we wanted to go drinking, we would go to Tijuana.

You were bootlegging in tequila? That's right. That's my history. You could make that the family origin story. I know, I know. Kendall's got a better one and I'm too old school for her. But and I'm kind of a vodka girl but Well, I did read you Gila. Well, I got you three different kinds. I think I don't often drink

But when I do Rapassado and then the Blanco somewhere Anyway, you'll enjoy it. You like it. You know, okay. I love it. So this I'm picking the darker one for no other reason than like a child I go for the- The darker one? Well, what are you trying to say? Because both of us know about that. No.

I'm saying, I don't know, I find it shinier and more like cooler looking like liquor. So, I know. I know. What's the difference? Well, we just, they're just liquor. So I know. I know. What's the difference? What would that be? Well, we just, I don't know. We're just different colors.

I'll get that later. You know, you're so funny. So you're here. But I mean, this is a lighter feel to it. There must be a difference. It can't just be the color. I think it's the way that they're age, the way that they're produced, the way that, you know, just.

What's the effect on me? Do I feel like? It'll get just drunk. Do you have some of the products that you can't, you don't have the time to worry about? No, this isn't, no, this isn't, this isn't mine. Kendall actually spent a lot of time in Mexico doing this. Right. And I'll tell you one cool thing about it, and then we can move on. But the cool thing that I love about this is when they finish making the tequila with the agave plant, and it comes out of the kiln, they take what's left over and make it into bricks,

and then they build houses for the people in the community, and give back to all the people that live around there that can't afford to do that for themselves. So it's pretty cool. What time is it? A Lisco. What time? What country? Mexico.

I was there once for a movie I did in the 80s. And I was like, you know, I was my first year or first year, first decade in show business, mostly a stand-up. But I did movies like Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death. And oh, one of my faves. Wow. Well, it did win 11 Academy Awards, but it did not.

I'm not. No, it didn't. I'm like, wait a second. I missed out on that one. That's funny. Now, is this on streaming? That's not a real movie, right? At this point, I'm streaming.

No, it's a real movie, absolutely. It's a movie I did in 1988. So I'm just saying, so I did this other movie called Club Med. Do you remember the era of the movie of the week? Yeah. Of course. I do. Of course you do. I'm the same age as you.

I know, and I have to tell you, people think I'm crazy, like, but I, I, just tell you, I said, maybe it's dating me, but I find you, far the most interesting Kardashian to talk to, is that a bit sensitive? Well, because we're the same age. And because we're here again. From the same generation.

But it's not just because we're the same age. And because we're here. From the same generation. But it's not just because we're the same age. It's because by reaching this age, we have 30 more years of wisdom, experience, things that happen to us. Anyone else. Well, that's somebody who's 35. Yeah. But that's why so many people watch the show because you can relate to somebody. There's so many of us.

Oh, that's true. You know what I mean? so many people watch the show because you can relate to somebody. There's so many of us. Oh, that's true. You know what I mean? You can, if you're 25 or if you're 65. For me, you know, if I'm gonna, this is, we're just talking. Yeah. You know, to talk to somebody,

I would mantra that talk to somebody who is this age because again, we have all these life experience. Yes. And I mean, I wouldn't go back to 30, would you? No. It was just because I'd have to have my stupid 30-year-old brain.

Yeah, well, I had, by the time I was 30, I had, I think, almost four kids. So I think I had four kids by the time I was 30. So I was very busy. That also, that also. I was running around and, you know, raising kids and doing all that. So that was, that was a lot.

But it also makes you grow up. Yeah, really fast. I remember when I was, you know, like a real, run about town kind of bachelor like in the night. Playboy, were you a playboy? Well, I like the mansion. I do have the playwrights at play. Sign over there. You do?

Yeah, I really do. You go to the playboy mansion and hang out there on the weekends. I did not hang out on the weekends. You know, I used to go to the people who thought I lived there. Well, it was a thing. Like, if you were like a successful handsome bachelor in those days. You knew half and you were invited to the mansion. And he had parties and I'm an authority now

for some reason. But yeah, that was just like if you were cool, that was a thing in those days. If you were, I mean, he liked me a lot because, you know, we tried some of the same themes about America. I mean, he really was, I mean, before it got sort of to be a parody of itself in the later years, the Seven Girlfriends, you know. But before that.

You know, certainly when he started, I mean, he was also a major civil rights champion who did a lot for a lot of the causes which liberals hold most here today. I mean anti homophobia certainly women's liberation. Did you see that documentary that was like a million years long? There's like a to the mom and like four of them. Oh wow. Well I mean there's a lot of document you know. The one that was done mostly in black and white anyway I watched it and I learned so much about him. I don't know why we're talking about him, but yeah, because We're as I was gonna say about motherhood

Do you have kids? Not to my knowledge. No, I'm kidding. No, definitely no Definitely no. Well, I guess there could be kids somewhere. I mean, one might pop up. You just... That's so true. I think it's a little late in the game for that to have happened. No, no, no, kids, no.

No, no kids. I never liked kids when I was a kid. Oh. And I, it never, one thing in my life that's been completely steady has never changed. Consistent. About kids. Yeah. You know, I mean, obviously that's such a personal thing.

You, I mean, you did it twice. I mean, two sets of kids. Oh, yeah, two litters, for sure. I had two complete litters. I had four with Robert and two with Bruce. A.K.A. Right, I forgot the buzzer boy in the mix. Yeah, I had three girls and a boy,

and then I have five girls and one boy. And did you get married? No. No. No, I'm just not in that, that's not my lane, the whole marriage. The courage now. I mean, I don't know. I know that people look at me as you're kind of looking at me

now like, it's a weird thing to, but. No, it's not a weird thing. It's not a weird thing anymore, right? No, it's not weird at all. No, I don't think parents or kids are for everybody. Exactly. It's just total personal preference. Right.

But. Right. It was a time when there was, I mean, it used to be stigmatized a lot more, you know, if you were childless. I mean, even women, they had a word for it, spinster. By the time they were 30, women were made to feel like if you didn't have a child by the time you were 30 or married or you were just an old maid. And then by the time my kids got older, that window of when

they would say that or criticize that was like 10 years it grew to another decade. So like 40. It was cool to still have babies at 40. I had a baby at 40 and I had a baby at 41, which is... and I had a baby at 41, which is... Common now. Yeah, I think so. My mother had me at 37, which was not common. Oh, really? 1956. Oh, wow.

I mean, it wasn't, you know, not something that no one did, but it was not, yeah, because it was interesting. It was interesting. Like you said, like you said, like a married at 20. Yeah. Everybody got married at high school or college and you picked your partner and that was supposed to be who you were going to be with for the rest of your life and have raised a family and that's that. So I may have

told this story before but you don't know it. Okay. Music's me about this subject. I had a job summer between my first and second year of college looking to make summer money living at home. The job was to sell cookware, door to door. But here's what's evil about it. I went, there was a four day training session you go to. They said, and they show you how to do the whole demonstration and somebody's living room. I mean, you're walking up to people's door with like two gigantic suitcases because this is girls who are buying cookware. They said, go through the high school yearbook, find the girls who are not going to college. And those are

the girls that are going to buy it? Because they're not going to college. You see they're going to marry and they're going to need cookware. So you had a focus group, you knew exactly what you were doing. It was an early type of focus group and then you would just cold call them, because people's names were in the phone book. And they let you in the door. Well, yes, we got to work. That's so scary.

And you do the demonstration in the living room. It took like an hour and- Did you have to know how to cook? I, well no, he just, no, he just had to know to show that to demonstrate, you know, the fucking pots and pans and, you know, this one goes on top of this and you can make sauce with this and it was a feel.

Oh my God. It was a soundflin, I lasted three days. But- Do you have any of your cookware left? No, I don't. For like a vintage set you saved for. No, it was not my cookware. I was just selling it. All right. Oh my God. But that was their attitude. Was that the women who weren't going to college were going to be home-makers. You were the exactly. Well, you had to figure, you know, in those days, they raised young women to have a plan. Like you needed a plan.

A plan, meaning like you're better. Like with your life, like a life plan. Like what are your goals, what are your plans, what are you gonna do? That's why it was always really important for everybody to get married by the time they were out of college, I guess. Wow, that's like a bonfire. Do you want any? No, thank you.

You know, Ms. Monkpie. What, is that possible? No, of course. Oh, what do you think about that? You mix it in the cigar. Because otherwise, that's the biggest joint I've ever seen in my life. Well, you must have seen a blood cruise.

And so, good-bye. No. Your family, you've never seen a blood? No, I have. Of course. And this is hardly, I mean, it's generous. That's pretty, do you smoke the whole thing? Well, I mean, you know, if you challenge me, no, I don't need to smoke.

I'm not, people think I'm a much bigger pot smoke. That I possibly be good. Oh, I didn't. Whenever they see me I'm smoking pot and it's a giant cigar. I don't know why the people get this impression. But the truth is, I really don't smoke, I don't smoke every day. Okay. Never did.

Never want to. Well, maybe it just relaxes you. It's a treat. No, it does the opposite. Oh really? It gets me up. I can't do anything that I really like to do without it. Really? Yeah, I can't fuck. I can't write. I can't do stand-up. So I really like- Security. But- Ah!

Oh my god. I mean, I guess I could, but why? It's just better with. So what do you like to do smoke pot or have like a tequila or both? Well, I rarely drink anymore because you know, I mean, honestly, you look like you're in your 40s. I didn't know how you do that. Well, thank you. I must be some line of thing that you're making a billion dollars.

I'm not sure. But like, I just know at 66, if you drink more than like, literally, I have like three drinks a week. If you drink more than that, you look like Ted Kennedy. Now. It makes, it does make, if you drink like,

if I feel it, if I go like on a trip or vacation and you're drinking and then you know you have to moderation is a good thing. Well it's I mean that's a charitable way to put it I mean it's forced moderation because when you're older you are just playing with like so little wiggle room. You know know what, you know what I mean, when I was 25 or 30, even 40, I mean, there was many nights when you were hammered. Yeah. You would go from club to club,

you know, different bars and clubs, did you ever have a life like that? No. Never. Well, no. But come on, wasn't, I mean, Robert was a man about town. Yeah, I mean, our big 90s was we had, I mean, I got married in 1978 and I got pregnant on my honeymoon. So nine, you know, nine months later, I had a baby and, you know, you're not out, you know, most of my 20s, I guess, and part of my 30s, and then again, 40s were

pregnancies. So in those days, nobody drank. If you were pregnant, you did not drink. I never drank when I was pregnant. Poison. I really kept the barefoot and pregnant. They did, yeah. But you liked it, and you loved the best part of my whole life. Is being pregnant? It looks like a movie. Yeah, you got to really love it to do it six times. I guess pregnant? Uh-huh. It looks like a movie. Yeah. You got to really love it to do it six times. You, I guess you'd love it. I mean, that's a lot of years being spent pregnant. I have a couple of my daughters who didn't have the greatest pregnancies, but I was very

blessed. I had the greatest pregnancies and I had great deliveries. Wow. And I had them all naturally, so I didn't have C section and, you know, all the other complications that can go along with it. I got lucky, I was very lucky. You know, meeting you and just looking at you in person for the, I really see the resemblance to Kim Kardashian.

Yeah. You really, you really do look alike. That's a good thing. She's my daughter. I guess I never really, I haven't kept up with the project just as well as that. But you know, everything is about, I mean, everything that's happened to you, I mean, you could never predicted this life. You couldn't make this up. You couldn't even, you know,

I mean, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I think. Dreamless. But I think a lot of what has happened with you, it could not, I don't think you manipulated it because I, and I don't think it could have been. You know, it's like you couldn't have manipulated having five girls. No. Because that's sort of the brand girl.

Not in those days. Yeah. There wasn't that technology of like, oh, let's, you know, nowadays you can, you can take an egg and a sperm and Spin the sperm. No, the sperm is what is responsible for the sex of the baby so they can now take the sperm and Manipulate the sperm to be a boy or girl really? Yeah Welcome to 2022 they've been doing that for quite a while I think.

But when I was getting pregnant, it just all happened here naturally. You couldn't have manipulated that. And then I must say, I always think that the public projects a level of exoticism on celebrity relationships. It does not exist. In other words, they think that things are going on when people are in real life, that are just more exotic than they are.

Whereas I think mostly it's people just acting like ever, when it comes to relationships, because especially women are women before their celebrities. They don't, you know, it's like, they're not people aren't having three sums and arrangements. They don't, you know, it's like, they don't have people aren't having threesomes and arrangements. They're having regular things.

Yeah. And then they fall sometimes for people, like people fall. And then they're in the same ruts people get in. Right. When they've been together a while, like marriages happen and they fall apart for the same reasons they do for it.

Oh, totally. Totally. Okay, but they don't think that. But I think that everything now is manipulated by, you know, what's going on in our society and social media. And, you know, it's just people can make up whatever they want to make up. And once somebody says it out loud, it makes it a fact. And, you know, just think that kind of goes along with being in these days, with being

a celebrity or whatever you want to call it. Yeah, I mean, it's also fantastic for your business. Well, it's a great, it can be the best thing in the world or it can be toxic as well. It just depends on the day. That's just the nature of the game with social media. I think it can be a place where

people are you know can be bullies or they can or it can be a great for business. You know there's a lot of good and bad. If it was more bad than good you could you know open a paint store in Vermont or something. Exactly. That is such a good idea. That is amazing. I mean, I'm guessing that, you know, on a much bigger level than what I deal with, it's like, yeah, there are downsides to fame. But on a whole, it's a positive and that's why we keep doing it. That's right. And it is. I mean, what is so, you know, you have a camera crew everywhere. Okay, it's like, so, but, you know, I guess after a while it just becomes, you know, whatever your life is, it becomes your life. Right.

So like, it's not like you're not the boss of them. Well, exactly. And I think we've been doing it for so long. Yeah. And we love what we do. And we love our life. And so, you know, I feel really lucky to be in the position I'm in. And there is a, I mean, I could make a case that there's kind of a service.

I guess a country needs like this, you know, family, that they can kind of project themselves on or compare themselves to or follow the shit that's going on in their life or something, but there is something to maybe it's some sort of psychological release people need. And I feel like you just, yeah, I guess it's like almost faded that you were right, don't you think? I think, you know what? I think that what we do is apparently, you know, and thank goodness, very interesting to a lot of people.

And we have people that, you know, have followed the show for a really long time since day one in 2007 when we first started doing what we do. And I think, you know, I look at it like this. I look at it when we first started shooting our show. I had my kids, I didn't have one grandchild. And now I have 12. Isn't that crazy?

12 grandchildren. And so, that's... Your kids have 12 children? Yeah. My babies made babies. That's a lot of humans. It's really crazy. So I just, I look at that and that's

when I really put it into perspective. And I think, oh my goodness, we started doing this and it was, you know, so much fun and it was a way to, I, my, one of my daughters, Courtney, and I had a clothing store. And I thought, this is going to be great if we have a reality show, we'll probably sell more baby clothes, you know, because it was a little baby, you know, children's clothing store. And then the, you know, just going from that and the way that we evolved and the way that we all grew through the years, it really, it's kind of remarkable when I think about it in terms of how many kids that, and grandkids I have. You know what I find amazing is I remember I Don't

Can't remember exactly what year this was but somewhere around 10 years ago maybe okay. I remember when a Mater-Deter restaurant in this town a very high-falutin kind of restaurant Nobody you know, okay, I'm gonna tell you. Okay, I'm can't wait. Bated breath. Let's see. What's happening here? Making me nervous. Have a little of this. Calm down. Come on. No. No. What do you think? I'm gonna say something terrible. No, no. I just said anything terrible. No, not yet. I'm so thrilled you're here. I'm thrilled to be here. This is fun. Yes, exactly.

I was telling somebody it was sitting in there last week. Like, people like us, you know, we're workaholics basically. We like work, it's fulfilling. Yeah. And so like, when do we get to know people when we're working? You're right.

Like when you build it into work, we do it. Not that we don't have a social life, but I mean, most of your time with 12 grandchildren and the kids, I mean, I'm sure most of it is family, as it should be. It's all family, and it's somebody asked me the other day, who are you hanging out with right now? And I'm like, my kids.

Yeah, of course. And the grandkids, because there's so many people. We are supported by signal wire, the realkids because there's so many people. We are supported by SignalWire, the real OGs of software defined telecom. That's right, OG stands for Original Geeks and they're proud of it. The Original Geeks at SignalWire are the developers of the number one open source communications platform

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what's next in real-time communications. Go to signalwire.com slash random and build what's next in real-time communications. Go to signalwire.com slash random. Hey, while I got you listening to the podcast, I just want to say, I'm going to be on the road this Saturday, this Saturday coming up in New York City, one of my favorite gigs of the year, the Hulu Theater at Madison Square Garden. This is the show that America needs to see right now. So don't be a traitor, get your tickets at nycomedyfestival.com or a ticket master. You will laugh your ass off, I promise.

Wealth in America, I guess most places, is a fluke. It's usually a fluke what will get you rich. I mean, if I didn't have perfect comic timing and couldn't tell a joke, I wouldn't have this house. That's kind of a fluke. That probably wouldn't have paid as well in the year 1500. If you could throw a baseball, you could be a trillion a year. You have an amazing talent and you've been able to share that with people who fall in love with what you do and then you're able to You know parlay that into a career and then be able to do nice things for yourself And I think that's really great. I mean my What I live for in my life just you know with my kids and some people ask me,

what is your biggest goal in your life? And I think the biggest thing that I really am proud of, and just the thing that I focus on is just really helping my kids find in life what their passion is. No, it smells good, actually. What their passion is and helping them figure out a way to make it a career or a living that they can be. They have it all done already?

Yeah, but I mean, that's been the joy and the beauty of the process has been so rewarding and satisfying for me because I got to really help them and work with them. And we were given this amazing opportunity of a reality show and then to be able to do something with that opportunity was really the dream. Yeah, some of it was fake.

Just I do think another family could have been given that beginning and not come out where you were. You know, there was some very... It just depends on what you're, like you said, what the opportunity presents itself and there's a lot of people. Some people give me credit for this or that, but I could not have done any of this without exactly the kids that I have, and it's just the way it all turned out.

Yeah, I know Shubbess is his work. I mean, it's, look, it is a combination of luck and destiny, but also I've got to think that it took a lot of business acumen, not just work hard, anybody can work hard. Not everybody can have that business acumen to take, you know, a friend of mine said the funniest joke about, I won't say the name, because it'll insult somebody, but he was the son of a very, very rich and famous producer, and then he was a producer and television. My son worked for him. He said, this guy, he turned $200 million into $250 million. You know, yeah, if you start with $200 million,

it's easy to go to $250. If you start with nothing and you get to billions, I have to think there was some decisions that were made. I mean, being like a being a director, being any kind of director, it's a series of just constantly making decisions on details. And some people make the right calls like a coach, you know, and some people don't. You know, I always saw

a view as kind of like the general manager of the Kardashian team. That's pretty accurate. That's pretty accurate. There's a lot of people that are watching us and everybody gets emotionally attached or excited to watch one of us You know, there's so many of us and then you kind of see this family through their living their life and there's ups and downs and marriages and divorces and babies and you know, it's just it's crazy and You know, I think that but those things you mentioned are all like so consequential that if you were like, you know, faking that, it would be just, no one can fake. Well, not for 20 years.

No, and not with those kind of things in life. You know, fake a baby. No, that would be odd. Yeah, yeah, that would be odd. Yeah, that would be odd. That would be odd. But no, we have a good time. We're really lucky to be doing what we're doing. And I get to be with my family every single day.

Right. Because you're uncertain. You're on your new tip now. You know, you had the old one. And now you're, you know, a basic same idea. Just the way I went from politically incorrect to real-time, it's basically a similar show, but, you know, you could have walked away two years ago. Well, we did.

And then we came back with Hulu, and it's been amazing working with Disney and a whole new family and a whole new production crew. Hulu was Disney. Uh-huh. Disney owned Hulu. I can't keep track crew. Who was Disney? Uh-huh. Disney owns Hulu. I can't keep track anymore. I don't know who owns me. I know I like you.

You don't? Do you like that? No, I do. I love him. I do, I do. I do. But it's just more like a kid. Yeah, we're having like the time of our lives and this has been such an amazing experience.

It's been really, really fun to do and film a little bit differently, because when you do something for a very long time, it was, you know, we loved what we were doing, and we loved our crew and our network, all of it. But you know, it was, I think, just time for us to end that chapter on 20 seasons. We had such a great time. And then we decided we really missed what we were doing and we loved what we were doing. And so we went back.

So how would life, how is life different when you weren't doing a show? What was missing? You said you, well, it just, it's hard to explain what we have our businesses and we have our day to day that's extremely busy and full of lots of things and responsibilities. But I think we just really missed being together. I think we felt like we weren't together as much doing our own thing, working on our individual

brands and businesses and everything and traveling in different directions. And when we do a show, it really does bring us closer together. And we do. We do our family vacations and we do things that we can also film. And it's just a great excuse to be together. But there must be things that you wouldn't say on camera. You're all just savvy and no not to like. That you then get to say. You're also, you're seeing, if you're watching our show, you're seeing, and it's an hour, let's say,

and it's like, you know, pre-Hulu, it was 44 minutes that you're getting of an entire week or, you know, a couple weeks of somebody's life. So yeah, you can, if you have something that's, you know, you don't wanna perhaps share with the rest of the world, you know, and you know, you're savvy enough to now know, it's gonna be filmed, then you wait until maybe you're not filming one day that week.

Well, I mean, and the kids, you know, were sort of brought up in this from the get-go. So it was always. Kendall and Kylie were nine and 10, right? So it started filming. So it's always been second nature that you have your camera. It's like if you were to go to an event or a party

or have a dinner, you're not gonna say everything you wanna say in that very moment, if you don't wanna say something in front of me, or, you know. Reminds me of the mater D. What happened to the, you're gonna tell me his name? How long ago was that when that started 10 minutes? I think it was 15. Okay, so the May, I, here in the VIP lounge. No, that's the VIP. Oh, best friend. It's only, my purse is over there. Right. Your best friend. It's very,

yes. Well, you know, there's the VIP and then there's my house. We take this and step. This is, you have, this is, this is, this is great. It is, it is a, there's a vibe to this place. I'm so glad you noticed. No, it's, it's definitely a vibe and you have, it's, it's crazy. It's happening here. No, I love it. How many acres do you have here? It's like, it's like a huge property. Hey, haters are like germs. You actually need them. That's germs.

That's such a great, I have to steal that. You can have it. Thank you. I wouldn't even remember I said it after I finished this ago. Oh, OK. Yeah. OK, then somebody trademarked that quick. Yes.

Yep. No, that's a good one. Hitters are like germs. Well, in the sense that you do, you actually do need germs. Yeah, no, you do. I get that. I mean, don't get me off on my, you know, medical, because I can always talk about that and let's not. Oh, no.

But people who during this pandemic got it into their heads and there's way too many of them, that you can somehow avoid germs and pathogens in your life with masking in this and that are not only scientifically wrong, they're doing themselves wrong. You need to live amongst... Right, you have to build up the resistance.

You have to, yeah. Exactly. So were you a mask guy? Did you ever wear a mask? Well, only when I had to. When you had to. All this stuff I only did because I had to, not that I didn't think it was something to be respected.

COVID, of course, it was. And of course, I feel bad for anyone who had terrible outcomes on my, but you know, they gloss over the fact that most of it was, a lot of it was preventable. I was, a lot of it was preventable. I mean, a lot of it was elderly, it's mostly, and that, you know, elderly people die from everything. I mean, that's the way of life.

And then it was people who were in terrible shape. Yeah. You know, because viruses are opportunistic. Wait, when are we elderly? I don't know. But I mean, Do you have a young boy friend? Okay. That's because, you know, it's funny when you're younger and you think of 66, you picture somebody to cry because that's what you're a parent. My father was like that at 50, like he was like,

not shuffling, but he is. We look better than somebody our age looked many decades ago. I think it's just, we've just learned how to, as a race, we've learned how to take better care of ourselves. Yes, and there's products they didn't have. And, you know, we make a few of them. Right.

I love the way you never, never. You know, never, never. I'm never going to stop. I am going to stop. Yeah. I am going to stop. I am going to stop. You're lucky I didn't bring you Kim's new skin care line. I brought you I would core candles to Keylin's dead

Well, I feel very strong. I'm feeling very strongly one day you and I are going to be doing a morning show Really it'll be on a cruise ship No, no Wouldn't that be fun? Oh, well, for who? Well, you know what? I... There's a...here's a little hitch in this plant. Okay. I don't get up in the morning.

You don't? Well, so you want me to take the morning shift? Is that what this is about? Well, Chris, it'll be a hologram of me. I've talked into a hologram. No. This is amazing. But I always thought that that would be such a fun thing to do. And you'd be a great person to do it with.

They must have come to you with shows like that. To be a you could. I filled in for somebody once on a talk show for Fox years ago. And it was really fun. It was a lot of work because I was also shooting card at keeping up. Right. But it was fun. It was fun. I did it for, I don't know, eight weeks, 10 weeks, but it was a grind. The doing that is a grind.

And that's why you never do it? No, I would do it. I love a grind. I do. I just, that's what I have. Exactly. We're the same person. I'm obsessed.

We work. Yeah. It makes me happy to work really hard. And I know so many people like that. Only, you know, can you, so I think of Fallen, I love you. Yeah, let's do it. Let's work. Yeah, it makes me happy to work really hard. And I know so many people like that. Only, you know, can you, so I think I'm falling, I love you. Yeah, let's do, let's work. Yeah, it's a challenge,

but it's really rewarding. We like, yeah, it's really rewarding. So you would do a talk show. Oh, I would totally do a talk show. Okay. We're cute outfits and talk to fun people. It's like this, except. Why not?

Yeah, I mean, it would be, I mean, this is the most informal. I think that I could possibly make something. On your estate here. Right, but I mean, you don't see any other people in the room. You don't even know where the cameras are. We're fucking high. You know, there's no agenda.

We'll get high. Yeah. Well, I'm using the Royal D. Hey, just doing a quick commercial in case you don't want to watch commercials. So meta. We have a subscription channel on Apple now called Club Random Velvet Rope, where you can get all the episodes ad-free. Most new episodes a week early, full exclusive bonus episodes, and extra bonus content where I talk about whatever the fuck I want.

Try it free for a week now. Just search Club Random on Apple Podcasts. You know what, we're having a great time and I think that as long as we're good people and raising our kids and our grandkids, we're having a good time. You must travel with security, you know? Yeah. I do. You should.

You have to. You have to. No, we do. We do. It's just safe, especially, you know, today's day and age. When I toured Europe, once I did, I did stand up in like five different places in Europe where they, the audiences who speak English, you know, the Nordic countries in Germany and Amsterdam, England, of course. And like for there, they

recommended and I traveled with three bodyguards. Two Israeli ex--mosad, you know, like- Wow. And that, like America is a shitty country right now, but it did give me a little perspective there on like, could be worse. Really? Yeah. Yeah. So, I am not a raw rock kind of guy, but I do like to keep that in perspective. Right. But I think it's safe. Wait, so do you still do stand-up beer shows? You do, yes. Oh, yeah.

And do tour? Well, I do. I do, of course. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. But I wouldn't do. I mean, I enjoyed it. And Europe's a great town.

But once was plenty. Europe's a great town. But, you know, once... You can't say great town. What was, uh, plenty? Just because I'm not a good traveler, you know. You don't like to travel. What would it you get to? I would like it, but, you know what? It's just, it's, it's, it's at the age thing again, you know? I, when I was 21, my college girlfriend and I like, like backpacked across, with no money,

you know, we were fine. We stayed in youth hostels and stuff. I drove across the country with my college roommate when I was 21, and we, like, slept on the beach and literally in the car and shit like that. I was, and now I can't get to sleep when a five-star hotel. After, like, a jet laggy flight.

Yeah, travel's hard on your body. It's hard on your body and your body is less resilient. And so, right. So just to fight it. I know. Well, why don't you do a residency in Vegas? I play Vegas like six times a year at the barrage. I have for years, love it.

If she comes up time. I'm gonna go to a show. Oh, let's do that. Wait, do you know Michael Kivas? You know Michael Kivas. Of course, I know him very sometime. I'm gonna go to a show. Oh, let's do that. Wait, do you know Michael Keyvus? You know Michael Keyvus. Of course, I know him very well. I've talked to you. Yes, I love him.

Yeah, let's all go. We need to go. Okay, so if we did this Vegas weekend, I'm plotting the crew coming, the filming people. The filmers, my grandchildren, the filmers are here, mommy, or grandma, the filmers are here mommy or grandma the filmers are here, lovey No, they don't have to come really they don't have to know, but they probably would

I want to get you stand up on camera. Oh, okay, no, we need to have you as part of the yes The the car now she and show you'll love my show. I'm the... Yes. The, the current how she and show. You'll love my show. I'm excited about it. The kids, yeah, I think all the kids are like it. They're all sophisticated kids. Well, no, my grown kids, not the little kids, not my grandchildren. Not the grand, not too just think we take grandchildren.

You mean like four-year-olds? Yeah. Sweetheart, I don't like children. We, we cover that. Okay, sorry. I don't like children. We covered that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, my mistake, my bad. If this morning's show is gonna work. Nope, nope.

But I swear to God, I can't believe you have not been offered the kind of thing that, like, who does this now? Kelly Clarkson, right? She drew Barry more right who else is in the game in that Alan is going right Jordan who just got it who Jennifer Hudson Jennifer Hudson Jennifer Hudson okay I haven't seen her show yet but I heard it's really good okay well I and then Ryan and Kelly and there's okay. That's morning, right? That's morning. Oh, right. You don't get up before I don't know I don't get I have never seen these other shows either

You got to watch you afternoon women TV. Do you know that Joy Bayhara is 80? She is nice. I think she is stop. Well, she yes. Is she? Yes or very close to looks great incredible Yes. Is she? Yes, or very close to it looks great incredible and not just and not just looks great, but like pulls off. Oh, she's as smart as a web. She's always well here's the here's a trick. I think that I Not 80 yes, somebody look up joy The way the queen just Turned to like turning to the wall. There's nobody in the room. It'll just happen.

Tell Fred Jessica to find out the metric weight ton of granite. But, um, what was I screaming about a minute about how Jay joy Bayhard Oh yes. When you're over 65 as we are, but Joy proves it can certainly happen up until 80. No one is fooled that you're the youngest person on TV. You just want to come across in both

how you look and also how you act so that it's not on their minds that they're watching an older person. They're just watching a person. Right. Well, age is just a number. Well, okay, it's a number that can really fuck you up and make you look bad. I mean, ask Joe Biden. Good night, everybody. No. Well, really, I mean, Biden's actually doing a great job, but he's constantly

getting shit upon because he does little things like full of his bike or call out the wrong name, or you know, he does a little few senior my I don't even say my own kids names right. It all starts with a case so I'm there right there with you Joe. Yeah. I don't know anybody's name. I was falling off my bike. No.

No. So you know what I'm saying. You just like I feel like when people watch me no no, I don't think they think, oh, this is the youngest guy. But they, but they don't bring that, oh, I can't watch him anymore. No, I don't think that, I don't think about you and then a name or an age pops up on top of your head. That's what I'm saying.

You know, just having bright lights. Right, and Joy Beihar is pulling that off at 80. I don't think she's 80. Okay, but we will find out, I'm sure people are busy at it now. Somebody figured out how well Joy Beihar is. No one can ever come in this room. Oh, sorry.

Oh, it's just, I know. You're on lockdown. You're on lockdown, I mean, I see that you're, you're jonesing, but I'm serious. Yeah. You should, who's, who's your boyfriend who, um, uh, Cory? No, no, no.

My boyfriend, Cory, what other boyfriend? I use the word boyfriend more loosely than most people. My mother used to say that. I got it from her. Oh, she, like, she, oh, you're boyfriend. The guy getting, he's very famous. He was like, you know, was American Idol host. Ryan Seacrest.

My boyfriend, Ryan. He's my business partner. I know. Yeah. He's adorable. Ryan Seacrest. Yeah. I talked to him many times.

He's a lovely guy. He's so great. Ryan's the best. Oh, really? Yeah. He really is a great guy. He was originally a producer. And he's so, yeah, he's one of the executive producers and he still is. Okay. But he also, he's got such a great, he's so interesting. Ryan, he likes to travel and he loves wine and food and he loves design and

we have a lot in common with that because I love all design and all that. Sit him down and say, Ryan, I mean, well, haven't you made him like a trillion dollars? I don't think I have, but you know, didn't he make a fortune of Kardashian? So I don't know what his deal is. You don't know what his deal is? No, wasn't he the producer? Yeah, he's an executive producer. How could you not know what his deal is?

Well, you know, I don't know. I'm not sitting there counting somebody's money. But it's a pie that's got split up. If it subtract the part of the pie, you didn't get it. Don't you have what others a whole bunch of people involved. Did we do very well with that pie? I think he did. I think he did.

All right, we're not mad. We're not mad at him. All right. I mean, again, keep going back to the age thing. But you know, we actually have an advantage because you're more comfortable in your own skin. Yeah, I agree. And you have less to prove.

So you have that weight off your shoulder. Right. Like, if it all ended tomorrow, I'd be like, We'd be okay. I'm 66, and I did. Yeah. I had a show on for 29 years. I think I can like take a breath. I don't want to do that. I want to keep going, and. I did, okay. I did, okay. I did, okay. I did, okay. I did, okay.

I did, okay. I did, okay. I did, okay. I did, okay. I did, okay. I did, okay. I did, okay. I did, okay.

I did, okay. I did, okay. I did, okay. I did, okay. I did, okay. I did, okay. I did, okay. I did, okay.

I did, okay. I did, okay. I did, okay. I did, okay. I did, okay. I did, okay. I did, okay. I did, okay.'m not a failure. But, but no, just, just in general. No, no. You're going to walk out and do your set and you don't even get one butterfly. Not really.

Really? I've been doing it 40 years. I know, but I've been doing this a long time, but I would get a butterfly every time I get in person stuff. You know what makes a butter? I mean, it's so funny, the arc of where you go. At the beginning of a stand-up career, you're like the worst minute, or at least for me.

Everybody, but I just made it worse. The worst minute of the show is the first minute, because you are walking out in front of people who have no idea who you are. You're just generic stand-up comic trying to be a real comic. And make them laugh. Of course, but so you have to completely educate them to who you are.

It always rub me the wrong way to have to do that. So I was not helping matters when I started. Luckily I was able to transcend that issue and go where I got. But now it's the complete opposite. When I walk out, it's only people in a theater who have bought tickets which cost some money and you've got to get a babysitter, people fly in from different cities to see

it. And you're with two or three, four or a thousand, what are people who think like you do? They like me. So when I walk out, it's a very long enthusiastic ovation. After that. Wow. You get a standing ovation? No, no, I said at the end. Oh wow. Sometimes I'm amazing. Yeah, I've gotten at the beginning. That's cool. Yeah. So what I'm saying is you're not, you don't feel like you're on trial at all. Right. At the beginning of my career, everything I was on trial every minute. And now it's like, I'm not on trial. We're just friends talking.

You can just do your thing. And I know what I, you know, I know my, you know, I work, I work a lot on stand-up. It's fun. It's like my, my, you know, hobby that I love, you know, it like some people build a ship inside of a bottle and people do all sorts of stupid shit. It's all so dancing and what's your hobby? My hobby? What are your hobbies? What are my hobbies? Well, you know what I love. I love. What are your hobbies? I sweat up your hobbies. These tough questions. I love interior design and I love making my garden. Chloe and I live next door to each other. So we love to be outside and love that whole thing.

Like every time something, we create things, we're going to build a vegetable garden this year. I got one right outside here. Oh, I love that. Absolutely. Kylie has one, and I'm so jealous. So Chloe and I, that's our next project. And that makes me really happy. And it's really relaxing. I love to cook. And I don't cook as much as I used to. But that's really rewarding for me. I love learning new stuff. And I actually love traveling, you know, when we're

when we're out and about. But I just, I love the whole design, interior design. I'm really infatuated with it. So everything I follow or do on social media has something to do with interior design or fashion or food. And so that's what I'm more interested in. And that's what I get a kick out of social media because it's just endless. And you learn so many things. And so I share a lot of information with my kids. I can't go with the food.

No. An interest in you who sold cookware? What is happening? You just got turned off by the sale of pots and pans. I'm not a foodie. I like food, everybody likes food. But when food becomes like a hobby or like the intro, it interferes with, again,

I just have to watch my house so carefully. Of course. Well, do you sit at home sometimes and just go, I need to go to such and such restaurant for dinner tonight because I'm craving it. Oh, fuck no. I don't care. No, when I go out to dinner you don't have a favorite restaurant.

I do, but because of the atmosphere. Like what, what's your favorite restaurant? Well, I love the Apollo lounge. I love the tower. Going there to, okay. I love the tower bar. Oh, you do? Yes.

They used to have seat. When you say tower bar, I think bacon rap dates. That's what I think. You're probably thinking of cute girls at the bar. And I'm thinking of what they served there for dinner. Oh, no, no, I'm not thinking. Tower bars where the, the, the, the Mator do you speak to me, tree? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Now he's at the, the, the, the private place, which I like him so much, you know, I can't, I can't, I mean, he is. Is he the same guy that said? No, no, no, that's a different way to,

no, he would never say something like that. No, no, no. He was, he's the sweetest, niceest guy. Ah. But you like to go to the Tower Bar. The Tower Bar is now run by Gabby, she's fantastic. And it's, what, just a sophisticated place, that's why I was loved it.

Doesn't it remind you of like the 50s? Exactly. Yeah. I mean, they used to have the Vanity Fair Oscar party there. Oh, they did? Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah.

Before it got way big. So, yeah, but it's not the food. And rarely does a menu have food. I even want to eat. You know, it's too fancy or it's, I don't know, too rich. You know, again, I, like when I go on the road, I bring my own food, only gone for a day and a half, two cities, I can bring enough food

to have to eat like fucking, you know, when I was young on the road, I would have fucking room service hamburgers at 3 a.m. Oh God. And that, and I just, you know, you can't do that. That's, you just have fucking room service hamburgers at 3 a.m. Oh God. And I just, you know, you can't do that. That's, you just have to throttle back. Right.

Anyway, that's why you look good and you're going to feel good. And you know, you have to, if you, but if you're going to Vegas, you're going to do it. Sure. Sure. And after doing, you know, I like your goals for me. I know. And by the way, this doesn't work out, then I'll be calling you so we can go do our talk

show. Well, here's my idea. Okay. We do a morning talk. What's the pitch? But we do it really early in the morning. At like 4 a.m. Like before I go to bed

All right, I know you're busy. You're so funny I am pretty sure you are funny. I think you could do this on the road. I truly do you