Club Random with Bill Maher - Mayim Bialik | Club Random with Bill Maher

Episode Date: October 12, 2023

Bill and Mayim Bialik on being a child star, how Jeopardy tries to confuse you, the odd longevity statistic that no one knows, why people hover their arms in a photo now, the devastating plot of the Little Mermaid, the joy of disagreeing and still getting along, Bill wanting to babysit Mayim’s kids, why movies are too long, and dissecting why relationships end. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Different is calling. I didn't know that's where this conversation would go, but we had it. That's the whole reason I'm having you here. I want to be kind of a godfather to your kids. That's right. You were unpolitically incorrect, right? I was. Do you remember that sign? Behind you? Yes. I mean, it looks very much of the era that it was when we filmed it.

You mean the font? Yeah. Is that a 90s one? Yeah, exactly. It looks it screams 90s. Yeah. I mean, I'm sure that the kids who are watching are like, you know, yeah, that's a million years ago.

It's funny because 90s, I was old enough where that was sort of like, you know, 60s is my 90s. Yeah. Like that's like, oh, real different. Might have been early 2000s, but it was still pretty far. No, no, it is my 90s. Yeah. Like that's like, oh, real different. Might have been early 2000s, but it was still, no, no, it was in 90s. I mean, that one. No, but I'm saying like, I graduated high school in 93.

I think I was on with you when I was a grownup. So maybe it was a different side. This, I mean, that was the, that was the, I started. Is that right? Yeah. Oh, look at that. But you were on blossom.

I was on blossom. Yeah. Correct. Yeah. Till 95 or something. I was on blossom. Yeah, correct. Yeah, till 95 or so. So life is a child star. It's weird. I bet it is. I can't even imagine.

I mean, there's different ways that people are child stars. Some of them start when they're three. That was not my story. So I was very startled by it. I started acting when I was 11. Oh. Well, yeah. I was like, oh, why is older 11 year olds. Well, yeah. I was like, I was like, a wise old 11 year old.

Well, I mean, you are wise. That's your, that's your, I mean. Correct. Yeah. There was them. Well, you, I mean, you're like known as like the, like I was thinking when they cover Jeopardy, like they cover it, like it is the summit between hero, Hito and Napoleon.

People make you know all that stuff? No, that's actually not my job. I have to pronounce it. Like, but there is an interest in it that goes so far beyond obviously the people who watch it. Yeah. Because the only people who watch it are people who know things, which is like a category of knowledge, knowing things.

It's a very, very special knowledge. That is shrinking. It didn't used to be. No, really. I feel like when I was a kid, there was something called common knowledge, which extended not just to, you know, don't let roaches breed in the paper bags,

but like, you know, basically how many people were on Earth, you know, seven continents, how a bill becomes a law, knowing things, which I feel like is so out of style now. It's very out of style. But, you know, also, you know, I've been surprised by you. But not on your show. No, but I've been surprised at the number and the type of people that do seem to enjoy Jeopardy.

I get a lot of, I watch it with my grandmother. Sure, of course. My grandparents wouldn't have watched jeopardy. That wasn't their jam, you know. I love when people tell me that they watch it with a family member. No, really, my shot. I feel like, wow. They're not that, you know, it's something world-problems.

But the idea of people having a communal show, like when I was a kid we all did, I mean, we all had to, because there was not that many channels. There's also not much to do in the world. No, there was only... Like at night, you would watch TV. Well, the course, there was no internet. That's what I mean.

Certainly didn't want to talk to your family. No, so you would watch a show and everybody would go to bed. But honestly, I also feel like there was great love and communion that happened within the family because you were communally enjoying something. Yes. You've just feel it, you don't have to say it.

You're watching in Sullivan, Alan King comes on. Right. The parents like him and me is a young kid looking to be a comedian. We're like, okay. He's a little corny. You know, but no, Alan King was hip. You know, he kind of, you know, he had an old, Borsh belt way, but he was a hip guy.

My grandparents watched Lauren's Welk. Yeah, of course. Which they pronounced velk. Right. Laurence that. Yeah, but I feel like when somebody says to me, like you said, I want you with my mother, or it's my father's favorite show, or whatever, my kit, I sometimes get, my son is 16,

and he loves you. I'm like, oh, okay my son is, you know, 16 and he loves you. I'm like, okay, so he's not a typical 16, right? You know, just like your show. It's like, oh, this dwindling is sad of people in the country who know things. Right. Like, there is still stuff for them. Correct. Jeopardy is for people who still want to know things.

That's either their new ad campaign. Even if you don't know the answers, of course, you don't know all the answers will I guess you do. I just have them in front of me. Right, but you would do well or do you? No. So this is nothing?

No. Come on. First of all, answering things like that under pressure and with a timer, it's not going to happen for me. I was on celebrity, jeopardy. It's hard. I remember, now this is, oh my God, I'm thinking back to like,

I should have been more mature, but I was like 40. And I remember, I just wore a shirt that the network didn't like. What was it? It was like I probably came right from the club. It was like a club cheer. What's a Bill Mark Clemson like?

1997. Okay, I can imagine. Oh, God. You don't ask. I mean, I think I- Did they make you like put a blazer on? No, but I just remember, it's funny the things it's sticking to my mind, right?

Like I remember very little about the show except that I remember thinking, what? I'm doing it and I know answer, and I can't win. That's it. Yeah. And also I have... What is that? Well, I mean, there's a rhythm that winners get into, and there's a huge psychological component

of being psyched out, and if you get something wrong, it can feel really debilitating. I would cry, I think. But the knowledge that I have is, it's not necessarily jeopardy knowledge. There are categories, like obviously I'm trained in science. So I can feel pretty confident about the science categories. I am a crossword puzzle person.

It's known as there's crossword categories. I have a minor in Hebrew and Jewish studies, so anything in that realm, but it's a different kind of knowledge, like 18th century British poets. Yeah, I don't know. There were definitely, yeah, I could do a little bit,

I remember a little bit of my, I mean, I was an English major. Okay, so maybe you would do well with those. Yeah, I mean, could you confuse me if it was Shelley or Byron? Well, that's exactly the point. You're gonna get confused on jeopardy by things like that. Like, who, oh no, that's not the question.

Not you already see that's already a problem. You will not be writing the questions. The phrase, the desire of the morph of the star was written by... All right, show off. Okay. ...was written by this romantic... There you go.

19th century British poet. That's too many words. Doesn't fit on the screen. Who is it? Who is Shelley? There you go. Who is Shelley? But see, what I've known in my years is that your mind, when you're sleeping or something,

it moves the furniture. And so you can be so sure that you remember something accurately. And then it's like, no, it's Byron. I would have bet the house, it was Shelly, but it's Byron. Yeah, so that's, yeah. And again, the vast majority of people out there are like, who are these two fucking assholes you're talking about? And that's what I'm saying.

The people who know things. That's right. Well, and Karen, to still share them. We send them a shout out of love to them because, first of all, I feel, maybe this is just instinct, but like to keep the world running and not dying, I feel like this sect of people who know things,

not just technically, but like wisdom wise, is gonna be helpful. I get, I try to avoid the news for the most part because I'm not a fan of how it comes at me and often what happens when I read it, but But I do have a team of people in my life. And we have a news updates channel on our messaging. And so, you know, I hate to say it, but a lot of times they'll say like,

oh, there was a shooting or like, you know what I'm saying? Because then I know, don't post something dumb. Don't be like, hey, here's me with my cat. So the other day, two pieces of news came at me in one message. Biden is running again, and Harry Belafonte died. And at first, I was like, are these two things related? The answer is no.

No. Well, first of all, here's a really interesting stat. If, yes, the average age now, I like the media, whatever that they call that, But if, yes, the average age now, I like the media, whatever they call that, women are usually a little, a little longer than men. Right. So the average age for women is like 79 or something, a man is 76 or something.

Right. But here's the key one. If you make it past 40, the average age to you lived to is 86. Where are we? Hold on. Because what they're factoring in is people who die in childbirth.

Got it. You know, you get kicked by a horse. Yes. It happens. Yeah, yeah. It happens. It used to happen a lot. Oh, so say that again.

If you lived at 40. If you get to 40. Got it. Then your average age to diet is 86. Isn't that a big difference? It's changed your view of life. Aren't you glad you came here to Club random? Glad I came, it's indeed random,

but you know, statistics are important and the way they're presented tells a very different story. It just makes you think, I mean, I don't know. You think Biden's just gonna be average at the end of his next term. I wouldn't even think about Biden. I was thinking about me, okay.

Because we made it past four people. Well, fuck Biden, right. No, this is, this is what I was, when he was first elected, people, I had a couple people that I knew said, I've got the inside tip. She's gonna take over in a month. Yeah, right.

I was like, oh, maybe that'll happen. It didn't happen. And it was running again. Not only did it happen, but- Glad I didn't listen to those calls. He doesn't sniff ladies hair anymore. He doesn't molest small children. He doesn't do that head bump thing

that weird fucking cone head thing where I don't know what he was doing. But he used to like be a very touchy feeling. I'm quite convinced there was nothing nefarious in it. He's just that guy. You know, everybody should take a tip from, you've seen the Kiana Reeves pictures? No, he won't touch a woman in a picture.

Who? Kiana Reeves, he hover, his arm is always hovering. You haven't seen this. I don't blame them. This is a thing you have to work up. And then me too, Eric. You know what I go all over. Every picture of him, he's hovering.

You know where my hands are? I take pictures like this, mine are a butt, so you can see my hand. Forget hover. This is a thing and so much, you know, whatever. You see the things that people post. It's a thing and there was a collection of photos where you could see that his hand, you know, whatever, you see the things that people post, it's a thing, and there was a collection of photos where you could see that his hand, you know,

from the front, it would look like a lovely picture with you and Keanu Reeves, you know, that he's posing with this one, he's posing with that one, and the hand is a safe distance away. Well, I mean, you know, sometimes people do that for their relationship and their life. Like, I think Tom Hanks never, you never see him sucking face, right?

No matter, think of every role he's done, it's never really interesting. Some girl, like, cupping his balls in a state. No, I mean, I rewatch Splash recently. I think there's some kissing in that. That maybe before he was married. That was a long time ago. You're right.

I'm dating myself. Well, I remember the movie quite well, yes, but you must have been a kid. I saw that movie so many times. I love that movie. Splash? But it was not when it was out in the theater. I saw it in the theater. I mean, I was born in 75.

I don't remember what your splash came out. I believe I'm gonna say 82 or four. Yeah, I probably saw it in the theater. Yeah, I guess you could. Yeah, and then it was like one that we would rent. And like showed it to my kids recently. And I thought, boy, that doesn't really hold up in this climate, does it?

What do your kids think of a movie like that? Or Tom Hanks a movie like that? Or Tom Hanks never Christmas like camera. Does he so pussy-witch? No, what was funny about that? I don't know. No, it's sweet. I think, you know, it was funny because it's kind of like when

I first saw the little mermaid. I didn't see the little mermaid when it first came out. Never seen it. Right. So I finally watched it as a grown-up. And I thought to myself, well, that's interesting. I didn't see the little mermaid when it first came out. Never seen it. Right, so I finally watched it as a grown-up, and I thought to myself, well, that's interesting.

She gives up her life for a dude that she doesn't even know. The mermaid does? Yeah, and then she can't even walk when she gets on the land. What's the plot? It's devastating. What's the plot? She's got this beautiful voice.

Wait, she meets this guy. Wait, she's a mermaid. She's a mermaid, sorry. How does she meet the guy? She thinks he's on a boat. I don't know, I don't remember. Really? So she has this unbelievable water.

It doesn't have to get in the water. She can't get out of the water, right? She looks, she's peeking. Wait, this is a boat. This is really not the important part. No, anyways, because this, it has to be the important part, because my guess is that every romantic story

needs an obstacle. I'm guessing. Okay, wait. The obstacle is to live underwater and he can't live underwater. Am I wrong? You're 100% right, but the solution is if she gives up her voice, feminists take note,

she's this beautiful singing voice. If she gives up her voice, she can live on the land with him. But PS, Hans Christian Anderson, she can't walk. So she has crippled, mute, and they fall in love. She does it. She goes, she can't speak in the fall in love. Right, so at the end she's living online.

Right, so if you look at splash, you realize, oh, she can't speak. So wait. She's this mermaid who comes to life. Okay, I'm interested in the end of this movie. Like, is it, is it, do we see her online living that you're alive? I think so, I don't remember very well, but yeah. Like, they're in a two- But in the end of this movie. Do we see her on land living that you belong? I think so, I don't remember very well, but yeah. Like, they're in a two-bedroom.

But in the original story, it is like walking on glass. So they're looking like for a building with good ramps and like very... No, and the animated version. It's really up to code, I'm disabled because... No, in the animated version, I think everything's great and they live happily ever after, because that's what we want. But in the original story, she gives up her voice, she lives on the land, and like, look,

I can love him, but also it feels like glass when you walk. But it's like, if they remade it, it would be, if they sold it the way we sell movies now, I think it could do very well, because she's a person with a disability. She's a person with disability, she's a woman with no voice. We got a lot of groups. Might like this the narrative of like, how do we empower her? We're checking a lot of boxes here.

Let's do that. You and me are re-doing the Little Mermaid. Here's how Holly would work. Let's check the boxes first. That's right. Then we'll do a script. But the box is first. Poor Little Mermaid.

So Little Mermaid. So she's, okay, living in this two bedroom and van eyes, it's a building with lots of lots of rooms. It's very up to code on all the 1990 disability act. Right. And then she works where to get in because I wouldn't do a sequel now that she's on land.

I think she's so mute. That's the movie. She's mute. Okay. So what? Even better because again, disability. So she's mute and she's, they got a thing for her, right?

She's got a wheelchair, but it's a little like a shopping cart to keep the fan. I don't know. Right, because you got the fan up there. We're a little mermaid. So she's in the shopping cart wheelchair and she can't talk.

So she needs something. She needs a purpose. You know, she's got to like go to work every day. They're on land. It's got to, what? I don't know. I don't know. And then a complication or a romantic complication.

It's not complicated enough. She meets the guy from shape of order, because he's a fish. Talk about full circle. And they run away. I like that. Now it's kind of sweet. I'm telling you, I straighten out everyone's career. You fixed it all. Telling you, you could do this. So your kids love this, won't we?

No, I mean, when we watch Splash, they were a little bit surprised because it, yeah, for today's sensibility, you know, a mute woman. I see it, I very often have compared myself to the mermaid and I sensibility, I'm a mute woman. I see it, I very often have compared myself to the mermaid and splash, because I'm not good at doing everyday things. Oh, okay.

You know, like, and I, you know, I don't understand when I'm ever seeing the tabloids like these big celebrities coming out of Target or Ralph's or something, and I'm like, don't get people to happen to assist in I do. The last place I ever wanna be is a fucking store. And so I'm not. So sometimes I'm in a store,

something, and then they're like, there's some new way to pay or something, and I feel like the mermaid in school, which I wanna go, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Show me, I don't get it. That's me, it is every time I do try and go out into the world. So what are their movies to show your kids?

Like, what are their, what are their, what are their, what are, I'm very curious, how old are the kids? 14 and 17. Oh, wow. So they're older. Yeah, they're older. I mean, we did, you know, we did the Star Wars experience. But like, what for our era would they find still cool?

Mm-hmm, not much. I'm guessing not terms of endearing. No, no, haven't done that yet. What about footloos? No, you know what? Mom, I can't. No, you know what? I showed them, here's a strange view.

You don't want to talk about this. Right, man, mom. Show them life is beautiful. Oh, I'm virtue of an enie. Yeah. And, yeah, I showed them that, and they actually, it's hard to say like they liked it,

but also it led to a lot of interesting conversations about what can you joke about, what can you not joke about? Was he right to pretend that the Holocaust was a game for his child. Like these were interesting questions. We also, we just watched Cunk on Earth, which they love.

They have a very specific sense of humor, my kids. And they like satire. We like a lot of standup is what we usually watch. The three of us. What about a Holocaust film festival? Like where you could show that? And Shindler's what? We haven't seen Shindler's list yet.

Not, and what about the piano? No, I was gonna say next is the piano. You haven't seen it? I've seen it. They haven't seen it yet. I think they're ready. I know. And who would know better?

A total stranger. No kids. Who just found out you have. No, I think they are ready. Look, you know, I grew up, my grandparents are immigrants from Eastern Europe. I think they are ready. Look, I grew up, my grandparents are immigrants from Eastern Europe. So like, you know, it's like, so I've seen a lot of Holocaust movies, not gonna lie.

Right. And yeah, I think they might be ready for the piano. I mean, that's a great movie. It's Adrian Brody, he's fantastic. Not the piano, the pianist. Oh, the piano, what did I say? Isn't it the piano? What is it? It's the pianist. Is it the pianist. Oh, the piano, what did I say? Isn't it the piano? What is it?

It's the pianist. Is it the pianist? The piano is the other one. There is one, the piano. That's, I feel like we should both know because it was Anna. What is, I'm gonna stop guessing. Who is, it was a woman.

Who is, who is the, Am I right? Was Anna Pacquini? I don't know. Oh, no, no. Yes Good because I was thinking something else I think I don't know. Okay. The pianist is a great movie that that's You know Adrian Brody. No, but the director is Yeah

Well, I can't remember this motherfucker I know Roman Polanski. Who is Roman Polanski? Oh, dear. You didn't know that? I did it at one point. Now I did it again. He is himself a Holocaust survivor. That is true. That is true.

There's a lot of other things about Roman Polanski. That would be nice. No, absolutely. I've often used... That's a polarizing figure. Hey, club random fans, people in the comments have been asking why we don't have merch. Yes, we read them. I don't, but we have a guy for that.

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today. I'm heading back to Vegas to just stand up for my last live dates of the year over there Friday November 3rd and Saturday, November 4th. I will be at the David Copperfield Theater at the MGM Grand in Vegas, my new home. It would be a tragedy if we were losing one person to drug overdose every day, even five, seven, or 12 people.

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No, I'm pretty, I think most people would consider me strict. I mean, like an appropriate amount of bounty. Yeah, I'm pretty, I'm pretty old fashioned with that. Kids are fucking on it. Kids are a little bit out of control. Just feral. But I think entitled. Yeah, well, look, I mean, I, I, I, I, monsters. This, well look I mean I I

I monsters this is why people are upset about the abortion ruling because no one wants to have a kid and not really I truly believe that It's also why I'm also why anal is popular. I truly believe that To answer your point what I think is important and the reason that I was happy to come and talk to you, you know, was that what I'd like to teach my children is they don't have to agree with every single thing that someone says, and that also doesn't mean that that person is bad, wrong, should be canceled, should never be spoken about or two. And preach sister. It's so, it's real, but it's really hard.

It is, it's really hard. It's really hard. It's tough on parents and kids these days, but I also completely understand how hard it is to be a parent. First of all, because you're not doing it in a vacuum, that's the problem. If you somehow, and especially with the phone, where everything gets into them, and then whatever they're socializing in school,

with other people, and what those parents are doing, so you're always fighting all of society. Well, my kids were homeschooled up until now. My older one just started going to school. Oh, really? Yeah. And I'm not saying that's why we homeschooled, but a lot of people who homeschool, and we're not religious homeschoolers, although those exist.

Part of the reason that at least I felt comfortable in a homeschool environment was I knew a, I, it was small groups, typically. And I knew a lot more about the people that my kids were talking to and interacting with. Then, you know, I, I think a lot, and a lot of people don't care. A lot of people are like, oh, put them with 40 kids. And God bless you. That's fine. Right. But for me, you know, I call it like a positive sense of control, because you can't control everything.

You can. But I really, I did enjoy knowing what specifically what they were learning, how it was being taught. And I think also my kids have lived through a very interesting time where the Trump of it all, and I don't need to talk about Trump specifically, but it did bring up a lot of really important topics

that I could talk about with my, but it did bring up a lot of really important topics that I could talk about with my children in terms of, you know, how we, how and when we decide to make judgments about people, how we organize our entire thought systems around what a group of people say or do you know that that's true? And, you know, they also have a sense of levity about them because this culture is poking fun at everything and everyone. And so they would, you know, there's memes and there's gifts. The thing you said, which I loved, that your little list of things that you were teaching them. Among them in there was this idea of, you could be wrong.

Everybody who you don't agree with right away isn't necessarily wrong or bad. Correct. That kind of stuff, that's what I'm always preaching. My question is, why is that a heavy lift today with kids? Why do kids come, why it seems like the default setting on them is judgmental and I know everything and especially with like generational stuff like, oh, you people have think that humans are male and female when we're obviously

it's a jump. Well, look, I think the thing that I've noticed, and I don't know that there's one answer to that, but I was raised in a very different time where I had a lot of ideas that my father in particular, bless his memory, would often shoot down. And he was very smart. He was learned, he was worldly, and he was very smart. He was, he was, he was, he was learned. He was, he was worldly.

And he was pretty old school, you know, he was born during World War II. And he was, you know, he was a, an anti-Vietnam activist. And he and my mom marched on Washington. They made anti-war documentaries, you know. They were advocating for a lot of the things that people are still advocating for in terms of our involvement with other countries and the atrocities that occur in other countries, often due to involvement that we sometimes have.

I'm trying to be vague, but my older son recently said to me and we were talking about something, he said, well, I don't agree with you, but you seem to like to intellectually humiliate me, so I'm not gonna talk about it with you. And I remember being so taken aback, first of all, I was glad he said it, because I said, okay, now we can talk about this.

But I said, you know, do you feel that I don't allow you to kind of have, you know, space for your own opinions? And he said, yeah, he said a lot of times, I feel like you have a very specific perspective, and you, you know, can pull rank. And you should. Right, exactly.

It's the point. Like kids, kids at many age can have an opinion in my opinion. But they then also need to be told, but your opinion doesn't count as much because you don't know as much. Well, I think that. What possibly know as much. And there's a reason my opinion counts more. It's just because I'm bigger or because you're rolled out of my vagina.

It's because I know things. You're back to knowing things. Well, right, and I think that to speak to your point, you know, there is, I think, I don't mean to be that person who's like, they internet, but when you have, when you have, even adults, I don't even think it's about kids, when you have people, it's true.

When you have people who want to believe that what they Googled is true, the information is so instantaneous, you don't have to do any research, you don't have to think about it. I think it does, it comes with a sense of entitlement and arrogance that I do, I think it does. It comes with a sense of entitlement and arrogance that I do.

I find problematic. And I see it a lot also as a scientist, the things that people think and believe that they Google about any number of scientific concepts is astounding. It's astounding. Meaning, I glue the right, by the way. Yeah, no, 100%.

Yeah, okay. Oh, I don't, I mean, the right doesn't really, I mean, they're finally, I think, coming around to, okay, global warming is man-made and, you know, and maybe we should do something about it. Right. The left was crazy wrong, a lot about a lot of COVID stuff.

And I mean, not just me who's been banging them in the rub, but other people who are more mainstream have said things like, it was just so wrapped up in the identity of being a liberal to be a COVID paranoid. And in the years to come, they're gonna have to answer for a lot, because we're just gonna find out, we are finding it more and more,

how fucked up we were just the mental part is what we're finding out. 100%. Like, these shootings that we had, you know, where the guy comes, goes to somebody's door, and, you know, my ball rolled into into your yard and I shoot you and your turn around in my driveway.

No, it's anecdotal. But I think this, no, we are a gun-laden country and we're a crazy country. But it also has, I think, something to do with that lockdown and people forgot how to relate to each other and people went nuts. Yeah, well, I mean, look, there are certain people who really like the isolation. There are certain people who learn to like it in different ways.

Then you can have yours, just don't stop me. Correct. Well, like crazy. I am. And what we did to kids, I mean, you didn't have to worry because they were homeschooled to begin with, right? It's kind of interesting. I mean, they did have classes and eventually,

you know, there was this conversation of, you know, we had some teachers in our homeschool community who said, I will not teach with a mask over my face. So you say, you're not doing it. Well, I'm the working parent. I'm divorced. They're dad does some of their classes and then there are little homeschool centers where there's five, ten kids in a class.

So now that they're older, you know, which is just kind of an alternative school. Yeah. Well, except there's like five or ten kids in a class. So now that they're older, you know. Which is just kind of an alternative school. Yeah, well, except there's like five or 10 kids in a class. Yeah, but I mean, that's not exact. That's somewhere between homeschooling, which I think is just your home and mommy's the teacher. That's actually usually not what homeschooling is. Really? Yeah, and like, when you think of sort of like

the Christian model of homeschooling, when you think about, you know, there's a lot of Christian homeschoolers, there's kind of that home house, you know, kind of model. But, you know, the things that happened when you, and when my kids were little, that was what their life was like. But also, it was a lot of time at the park.

It was a lot of time on field trips. But yeah, now that they're in junior high and high school, it's smaller groups, but yeah, without a lot of the other things that school. Well, if you need me to drop by, I can tell you. I can tell. I'm sure these kids look good to me, so I'm happy to look. I know these kids need a father figure, and I would fit the bill perfectly.

I didn't know that's where this conversation would go, but you have it. That's the whole reason I'm having you here. I want to be kind of a godfather of New York. That does. Nope. That sounds wrong. And I've got a whole new list of movie tricks to watch. Okay. Midnight Cowboy. Right? I know. What about that one? I was rated. You never said Midnight? No, I haven't seen it with them. It was rated X at the time. That's right. That would probably intrigue them. And although it's probably so tame. I'm trying to think, like I'm trying to remember now. I mean, what kids see on their phone?

Are you kidding? I mean, they were probably 10 when they saw it. It's Dustin Hoffman. Yeah. I mean, I just directed him in a movie that they didn't see. You did? What? I wrote a movie and I cast Dustin Hoffman and Candace Bergen in it and I just directed.

So that they would love to see anything with Dustin Hoffman because they got to me. What's your movie about? My movie was called As They Made Us. It's available on Showtime and other places people get movies. It's out. It is out. I gotta see this. Yeah, I wrote it.

It was about a complicated family. He and Candace play the parents in Simon Hellberg from Big Bang Theory and Diana A. Grant play The Siblings. And I wrote a movie about what happens in a complicated family when siblings have different reactions to how to deal with alcoholism and complexity. It's amazing. It's a heartbreaker, you know, grab a tissue. Okay, I like that. It's amazing how good actors get, not that does enough, and wasn't good when

he was young, but when they're old. Oh, it's... Because they just get... He's a master, yeah. I mean, it was, you know... I mean... I never thought that Dustin Hoffman would read my script and want to meet with me, but he did. And, um, how was he to work with? It was unbelievable. He would show up every morning to set, say, hi to the crew, see what we were doing that day. And we were a small film. This was a small film. And he wanted to know a lot about my family, you know, because while it wasn't autobiographical, it certainly was a lot about my experience and other people who grew up like I did. He wanted to know everything. He just wanted me to keep talking. And it was like a masterclass. Like it was a masterclass, not just in acting, but um...

And did he take direction well? Oh, he wanted to be directed. And that was also intimidating. This is my first time directing. No, that's what I'm saying. A guy like him, that we wanted to talk about. That's great. It was really, I mean, you know,

and he talked a little bit about, you know, what it's like to be his age and playing the older guy, the old man. I was just gonna say, I guess it's tough to be that when you've been the leading man. Totally. And now you're playing great. I mean look, him and Candace, they grew up together in real life,

but seeing them together was really, I mean, it really, it felt like we were watching a master class. They grew up together in real life, but seeing them together was really, I mean, it really, it felt like we were watching a masterclass. They grew up together in real life. Yeah. Their families were friends. Really? Yes.

Because they certainly were stars around the same time, I mean, I'm thinking about 1970. Yeah. This is right after the graduate. Yep. And she was in carnal knowledge directed by Mike Nichols. Yep. And art garful and cool. Well, seeing the two of them together and getting to direct them to, it was, and she,

she, her performance is, it's very, it's very, I mean, she is incredible. Right. And it was a very difficult character that she played. A lot of, I mean, look, these are, I wrote very complex characters and it's a lot of, it was heavy. It was really heavy, but anyway. It was like a good, very long day, it's journey into night, which I love, by the way,

long this journey into night. Yeah, you ever seen that? I don't think I have. Try to sit your kids out in front of that one. They'll kill you. It's like four hours and it's very heavy. Yeah, no. Heavy, it's a very long day.

It's a two-seven samurai if I'm going to have them sit down for a long period of time. Yeah, I mean, I was saying before about the dwindling, little cadre of people who know things, the people who can sit through long-aged journey and tonight, that they've left me back with the dummies on that one. I mean, and I think I saw it once,

but the idea of like sitting through something for four hours, like a heavy, serious play. Well, look, I'm not that good. I made a small movie that I had to shave down to, you know, 90 minutes. It's that. I think it clocked in at like 87 or something. That's what a movie should be.

Movies should be 90 minutes. Well, you know, you'll watch it and you'll tell me. No, but I think all movies will return too long these days. Oh, okay. You know what I mean? So, what does he got a lot to say? Yeah, but you know, that's what an artist has to do. You have to have the guts to kill your children.

I've killed many with this movie, so yes. But that's what I feel like filmmakers today. Oh, you mean you feel that there's a... It's too long. Got it. You mean it's a gratuitous. It's just, you're not everything you thought up to put in this movie is ingenious.

It's not merited to be two, and the guy who's born movie was like two hours and 40 minutes. It's James Bond, okay? He f**ks three hot chicks, he saves the world. And there's a great song at the end. Yeah, exactly. There's six action sequences. And there's a great song at the end. Yeah, exactly. There's six action sequences. And there's a couple of quips.

Thank you, Mr. Hot Porsche. I saw all of those in the theater. That was like my education as a kid. And looking back, I'm like, my mom thought that was cool. All right, my dad took us to James Bond movies. It made me the woman I am today. I remember lobbying my mother to go see a Von Moby. I must have been about 11 or 12. I don't know how I should have to take

I don't I don't think she would let me walk alone to the maybe they let us walk alone back there. Oh, I was alone a lot. But like now you would be arrested. Like you would literally told go out of the house, come back for dinner. That was exactly what I was like that. Exactly. I was raised like that. And I once crashed my bike, that was sad. Yeah. But otherwise, yeah, I grew up, Molo's Fairfax.

I grew up right here in LA riding my bike a lot of hours in the day. And the shadow of canters? Yes. Did you eat? Well, Farther East. Did you eat at canters a lot? We would go to canters usually Sunday morning for rolls.

My dad would get the New York Times, and my father would sit with a container of cream cheese on a cup of coffee, and he would spoon the cream cheese into the coffee and eat it. For those of us listening in Nebraska, how would we describe cancer? We're talking about,

there is a Jewish district in LA. And that's the highest concentration of Holocaust survivors in the world. That was the epicenter. Is that right? Now, cancer is not a kosher deli, but it is a beloved deli. Now a kosher deli would be just meat products.

It's an experience. The waitresses do not like you and they don't pretend to. I don't know what it is. I haven't been there in a while. I always loved it. It's open 24 hours. The baker is open 24 hours. It is open.

There's a kid in the room. I would be there like back when I was like wearing that shirt. I had a club. And then we go, of course, the club's closed hungry. We go to the kid in the room. I would be there like back when I was like wearing that shirt at a club and then I you know we go of course the clubs close yeah, you go to the key room and you go and it was one of the few places that was open. Yeah, I would go there late. There'd be like you know weirdos and hookers and cops you know plus. It's huge also. It was a huge restaurant. Something about it just something about it just be a scream Judaism. Yeah, well, you know, it was it was a deli.

Right. And it was a deli. But like the doctors were not like young and cute. No, no, they were. They were. They want to be there. They were. They didn't want to serve you at Midnight.

They were older and and crabby and and everything. They would bring all the dishes at once. They all want the table of walk away. See what would happen. Oh, man. Look at us reminiscing about cancer. They would bring all the dishes at once, throw them on the table and walk away, see what would happen. Oh man. Look at us reminiscing about cancerous. Well, I, I could still go to canters.

Yes, you could. I'm gonna take your kids, so I'm gonna make it my business. So this is a date night with Uncle Bill. Exactly. Gonna make it my business that these kids know what's up in this world from a male point of view. So you're divorced, huh? Yeah, but they have a dad.

They do. They do. You still like him? Yeah, I actually do still like him. Oh, wow. I do. We were married. We were friends for a year and a half.

We were racquetball partners. We met in calculus class. And we dated for five years, and we were together for ten. And you know, I think if you see my movie, you might think, I could see why her first marriage didn't work out. Oh, I don't know about that, really. There's a lot of complexity. I'd say I did a lot of maturation. I think we both did a lot of maturation post divorce.

And we parent nicely together. We parent like a friend. But also like, okay, you had five years. You said dating ten years married. I don't think that- We didn't live together. We parent like a friend. But also like, okay, you had five years, you said dating ten years married. Right. I don't think that. We didn't live together.

Everybody's like that. It was your problem. You did or did? We did not live together before we got married. We were together five years though. It would have been shorter if you had lived together. Look at that. Because the whole problem always with relationships,

it's never, not never, but it's very often not the people. The people are fine. And the relationship is fine, you can tell because it worked at the beginning. I can't wait to hear what you're going to say. It's just, no, humans are not meant, especially in this era, to just, you just burn it out. The person that you pick at, I was 27 when I got married, and I'm pretty sure that most people who got married,

and my mom was 18 and they stayed married forever, but I don't know if they should have, but yeah, the person you pick at 27 or 20, I don't know if that's the person you wanna be with at 40. I mean, you're right. I don't think it can be part of that too that people do grow and change. Are people not allowed to grow and change?

No, they are, but it's not, sometimes they grow and change together Are people not allowed to grow and change? No, they are. But it's not that it's not that it's together. But that's not it either. You think just humans are not supposed to be monogamous like that? It's just. You just. Or who knows? There was a book that came out about, I don't know, a year ago,

and I read the, it was a little big thing for a minute. It was called, I think, on the divine TD of marriage. I think it's called like forever land on the something like that on the divine. And the thesis was, I don't know about the things. I read the excerpt. I didn't read the book, but the excerpt were going on. Wait, it was like 20 pages of, or maybe let, maybe 10, but it was like a very long screen, just about how much she hated her husband and how he was gross and flemmy and made a wretch. And he was a pussy and he was complaining

and he was just this pompous, sexless piece of shit. And I kept thinking, where's the divine part? I get the tedium part. I'm hearing that loud and clear paragraph after paragraph. And then there's like one paragraph, and at moments like that, I remember what a handsome professor he is. It's like, okay, great.

So like every six months, you get a flash of what used to be good. Look. And that's an extreme, maybe. For sure. But I don't know. I'm going to go ahead and say this. I don't go ahead.

And I don't know how many of my friends might listen to this. So if you're listening to this and you can assume I'm not talking about you, I don't see a lot of relationships where I'm like, that's a healthy union. These are two people who respect it. This is a woman who respects him as a man. This is a man, sorry, I have gay friends also, but you know what I'm saying.

Right, I do. Let's take away the gender. Right. Whatever you, whatever we're calling it. I do not often see couples where I think these people are mutually connected for a reason that seems significant and they show each other mutual respect.

I don't see it a lot. I don't. Or affection or like, you know, I met, I wouldn't say who, but I'm very famous person. Okay. Yeah, don't say that. Well, I go. And I've been like last week and and I mean he's Upper age bracket and in his wife they have a real

She has a real girlfriend vibe about I said my friend. I said she's so cool. She has a girlfriend What vibe not a not a wife not a wife vibe? Huh? That's what you have to try to keep interesting. Yeah, and I have seen that no I get what you mean I've got yeah, I'm not that I'm saying that women are the only part of the problem, but there's a set of needs. And I think a spot look as a person who gave birth to children, there's a lot of psychological, physiological and emotional changes that occur that often make us have a different set of needs depending on the child. You know when you know it's over, I think.

When is it over, Bill? No, when I say you're, it sounds like you really don't want it. No, I'm ready. Oh, no, sorry. My kids often say, are you being sarcastic? No, I really want to hear what you can say. Like when you're, you're out, you're not, I mean, we're not having sex. We're just out.

You and I are not having sex. No, no, I'm, we're not having sex. We're just out. You and I are not having sex. No, no, I'm saying you're this couple. Correct. They're out. They're out. They're not having sex at this moment. They're out. So, you know, you're at dinner or you're having drinks with somebody. Yes. But there is, even though it's not sexual in what you're per se. There is physical communication going on. Like, you don't have to be all over the person. Like you're kind of touching. Yeah, that's important. And yes, and you know, it's kind of like,

there's just some a little electricity that's still going on. And it's almost kind of sexy that you're in a place where you can't do it. Yes. Well, that's that it. Or, you know. Well, that's that teenage feeling. And, you know. It's important. Then when you have like the two separate chairs

to watch TV, like on an all on the family. And there's no, you know, what would be this big wish in life that Archie would just touch me. You don't even fuck me, Archie. Just show me something, you know, just, you know what I mean? And I think like what, no, the thing, when that stops, the relationship doesn't end the next day.

Sure. The problem is, then you're into that period where it's just going in the wrong direction in that way. But you don't want it to end because you still love the person. Sure. And you have a lot of other things about it that are good. Well, and if you have kids, it becomes very complicated. And kids, of course, you know, but if that dies. You're right. It's very, and I think that's, you know, I do sometimes see that in, you know, in couples

that I know who have stayed married, but I think that for those of us who do get divorced, there's a new opportunity to see what it's like to find that and be able to maintain it. And how do you maintain it? There are ways that- You'd be old joke, why are divorces so expensive? Why? They're worth it.

No, really. That's it. Things run their course. Yeah. You ran its course. Right. There's no tragedy. No.

And then you're right. Oh, is it a Louis K.A. person? I don't know if I'm allowed to talk about. He has an amazing, with you, I can't. But who knows? But he has a, when he announced that he was getting divorced in his special and everybody said, ah, he said, don't make that sound. He said, this is a good thing.

It is. Like, when people get divorced, it's because a lot of bad things were happening. Exactly. By the time the divorce happened, right, it's, it's a, it's a, it's a brochah. Yeah.

Sometimes it's a brochah. And you know, it's just very hard to fight burning it out. And it tortures you because you look at that person and you go, I should be all over you. It's just, we've just done it too many times in a row and you're there every day. You know, really. And so it's like something that's numb.

Look, we're primates. You know, we're primates. We are primates. You know, we're primates. Right. And there is a novelty component to relations. And you look at my parents and they basically, they were practically siblings. You know, when you get married at 18 and 20, it's like they grew together.

They happened to grow in a similar way. They happened to have all these strange quirks about them that kept them sustained. And they were crazy about each other. And when my father was, he was in a wheelchair at the end of his life. And my mother said when he is wheeled into a room, my heart skips a B.

And like that, and honestly, many times in my life, I was like, are you sure you're still being married? This was a complicated relationship, but that was, they did. They had that spark. I mean, he was still writing her poems. Like, I inherited his library when he died, and like, every fifth book, it's inscribed to her, you know?

And like, that's very sweet. The thing is, in life, that does exist. Yeah. That's what keeps the other 99% of porchmarks miserably trying to attain that because everyone out of a hundred keeps. Imagine being their child and having to get divorced. And I'm like, oh, man. And I was like, come from a traditional,

like in Jews, we don't do that. I didn't. So it was like, oh, they did that. And I didn't, but you know what? There was some grieving involved for me, but I feel like I've come out on the other end of it. Someone once described marriage as a brother, sisterly relationship with occasional bouts of incest.

I've heard this before. I've heard this before. It's so often true. I mean, and then there's sex freaks like your parents, who would say, no. No. Oh, no. I don't know.

You never think about your parents. We don't have to write now. Did you, why start now? You know, why start now? Well, listen, this was so much fun. I am so glad I got to know you. I'm very glad I... I hope it's not the last time I've...

I hope it's not the last time. I mean, of course, I'll see the kids. But I want to see you too. Yeah, and you know, we... I would... I'm going to officially say, I would love to have you come talk to us on our podcast, if you would ever be open to it. Absolutely.

I think you're fascinating. I think you're brave in ways you shouldn't have to be. I don't always agree with you. I don't always agree with the things you say, but I wanted to do this honestly, so I could show my children that I put my, you know, I don't just talk the talk. I walk the walk and I don't have to agree with you

on everything to sit with you and talk with you. When I do this with you, next. Yes. I want you to bring in the things you think I'm wrong about where you don't agree with me. Okay. But also bring in my children because I want them to meet you. Yeah, and I've got a good lesson in disagreeing. It's okay.

Thank you. And I'll see you soon. Awesome. Are you getting up and leaving? Yeah. I just sit here. No. Oh,'ll see you soon. Awesome. Are you getting up and leaving? I just sit here. No. Oh, we will get up. Orb, you know.