Club Random with Bill Maher - Patton Oswalt | Club Random with Bill Maher

Episode Date: November 17, 2025

Bill Maher pours a drink and settles in with Patton Oswalt for a sharp, hilarious tour through comedy, culture, and the weird world we call home. From dissecting Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain” to breaking down Trump as the ultimate teenage troll, Patton digs into the line between being childlike and childish, how audiences have evolved (or devolved), and what really fuels creative greatness. They cover how technology accidentally wiped out the classic serial killer, swap stories about Conan O’Brien’s cult-favorite Lookwell, revisit Johnny Carson’s legendary mean streak and his unexpected love for comics, and debate everything from politics to pop culture—sometimes clashing, always laughing. To echo a certain tiny Parisian chef: not everyone can become a great artist, but a great artist can come from anywhere. Subscribe to the Club Random YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.youtube.com/c/clubrandompodcast?sub_confirmation=1⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Watch episodes ad-free – subscribe to Bill Maher’s Substack: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://billmaher.substack.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you listen: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://bit.ly/ClubRandom⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Support our Advertisers: Get $10 off your first month’s subscription and free shipping at ⁠https://www.nutrafol.com⁠ and enter promo code RANDOM  Get 30% off your first purchase and free shipping at ⁠https://www.wonderballsusa.com⁠ and use code RANDOM Take advantage of Ridge’s Biggest Sale of the Year and GET UP TO 47% Off by going to ⁠https://www.Ridge.com/RANDOM⁠ #Ridgepod Buy Club Random Merch: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://clubrandom.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices ABOUT CLUB RANDOM Bill Maher rewrites the rules of podcasting the way he did in television in this series of one on one, hour long conversations with a wide variety of unexpected guests in the undisclosed location called Club Random. There’s a whole big world out there that isn’t about politics and Bill and his guests—from Bill Burr and Jerry Seinfeld to Jordan Peterson, Quentin Tarantino and Neil DeGrasse Tyson—talk about all of it.  For advertising opportunities please email: [e-mail] ABOUT BILL MAHER Bill Maher was the host of “Politically Incorrect” (Comedy Central, ABC) from 1993-2002, and for the last fourteen years on HBO’s “Real Time,” Maher’s combination of unflinching honesty and big laughs have garnered him 40 Emmy nominations. Maher won his first Emmy in 2014 as executive producer for the HBO series, “VICE.” In October of 2008, this same combination was on display in Maher’s uproarious and unprecedented swipe at organized religion, “Religulous.” Maher has written five bestsellers: “True Story,” “Does Anybody Have a Problem with That? Politically Incorrect’s Greatest Hits,” “When You Ride Alone, You Ride with Bin Laden,” “New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer,” and most recently, “The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody But Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass.” FOLLOW CLUB RANDOM https://www.clubrandom.com https://www.facebook.com/Club-Random-101776489118185 https://twitter.com/clubrandom_ https://www.instagram.com/clubrandompodcast https://www.tiktok.com/@clubrandompodcast FOLLOW BILL MAHER https://www.billmaher.com https://twitter.com/billmaher https://www.instagram.com/billmaher Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Explore the new Peloton Cross Training Tread Plus at OnePeloton.com. And now we can't even be a seriol. Let's just have fun. Let's have a fun. Let's have fun here, dude. I don't want to bum you out. You want to hear something really weird? Total of Bright, God, why?

Right in the dick. Right in the dick. I'm going to fucking kill you with this thing. You know. Okay, let's not keep General Patton waiting. Beatt. Hello. How are you?

Sorry if you were here. Dude, I just can't imagine how busy you are these days. Well, you know, you know, this is. I have to tell you, this little moment in the week, right in the middle on Hump Day, Wednesday. This is a breather? Well, first of all, it's the only time I let myself have a drink. Really? Yeah.

Oh, wow. Well, I'm 70. Yeah, when you're in that is true. You can't. You can't. Not every day. Not really, not at all. But, you know, once a week, a couple of snorts.

And I get to talk to somebody like you who I wanted to talk to, like, for so long. like just in a setting like this. And, you know, I've said that there's so many people here, like, we're the kind of people. When do we get together when we work? Exactly. It's like, hey, would you like to get together with a camera on? Yeah, remember, like, when you were starting out and you would,

I think you even said it in your book, you assassinate a day with your friends, but you sit there all day just kicking jokes around. So now you have to spend this much money to read. You can't just go. Exactly. Yeah. So, oh boy, I'm sorry, assassinated day. Oh, I'm so flattered you remembered that, right.

That was one of those things. I remember when I read it, it was like, oh, my God, I just remember being on the road and getting to the shopping mall at 10 a.m. And walking around until you go get ready for the show and, like, I did nothing, I did nothing. I'm on the planet, I did nothing. You're talking about my novel, true story, but it's a novelization of my early stand-up time. There were moments in that book where I was like, well, he's clearly changed the names, but I think I might know who some of these people are. Composites or, I mean, the great thing about fiction, of course, is that you take whatever you want from reality and then fuck with it in any way you want,

including making yourself worse. They once asked Lawrence Olivia, this is acting, but it's sort of the same thing. He said, what's your secret to acting? And he said, I take my worst qualities and I exaggerate them. Amplify them, and yeah. Remember, they were, people were asking Carly Simon, like, you're so vain. So that's Warren Beatty, right? And she was like, look, that was everybody I met.

I just put them all together, the apricot scarf, the total eclipse. That was like nine different idiots that I ran into. And I probably slept with all of them, but I slapped me to one person and put him in a song. So, yeah. By the way, and that song is You're So Vane. I mean, the kids are like, what are they talking about? But your kids, I'm telling you, if you think Taylor Swift invented the fuck you guy I dated, who I'm now going to get back at in a song, you have to listen to Carly Simons, your so vain. She did it with a knife that was, right?

But she's taking that. She's running through a party with that knife and slashing a dozen different people. That's not just one person. that's a whole platoon of dude that she's taking down right yeah that was that wasn't a knife that was an airstrike right you know she dropped bombs on laurel canyon but it now and i have i have great love for warren baitie um but it probably is mostly him and he was probably the worst and yeah i mean did he ever you know this you took your lear jet to nova scotia to see the total eclipse of the sun when you're where you should

should be all the time and when you're not you're with some underworld spy or the wife of a close friend but and also what's great is the way she writes it is it's so vicious but the person listening to it would go i mean that is kind of me that's that's that's not that's not that awful isn't i got a private jet it's a bit of a flex yeah it is it's and my best friend's wife is so i'm so irresistible my best friend's wife is fucking me how does she not how do you know yeah how do you I got an apricot scarf on, baby. Who the, what woman's going to, what woman's going to resist that? I mean, the way she reminds that with Gavat, right?

I mean, it's just, I mean. It's scarf and yacht. Right. You were walking about, yeah. Anyway, it's, it's a great, like, oh. For a second, it's like, she's had maybe one too many cocktails. She's like, let me tell you about L.A.

and she's just and she's spilling it and it feels like you're oh my god we're getting away with something i can't believe she had their can't believe she was recording when she was singing this this is awesome you know how about this twist to it on the track do you remember who's singing background vocal it's mick jagger who seems like he would be part yes yes exactly and i almost feel like maybe that was her wait a minute what if that was her way of going listen i want to sleep with you, but you're going to behave, or I'm going to write another, I'm putting you on this song, you're going to friggin behave or I'll put you on another song just like this. I would love to know the story of how that, or it could be just something benign like he was

recording in the studio next door. Walked over and why not. But it is odd because he seems like if it wasn't Warren Beatty, he could be that exact guy. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. And it was also really cool vocally. He doesn't really sing like Mick Jagger until the very, very last verse. to that point, he's very muted, and Carly Simon is the dominant one, because that's a guy

that can just show off vocally and go, I'm here, I'm Mick Jagger, and the fact that he does it so low-key. But you definitely hear his very distinguishable voice. At the end, that's when he starts doing the yapping and the y-h-so. But first off, he's very like, I'm going to Carly do this a little bit. I also love how, in the beginning, I forgot who does guitar on that one, but he does that amazing opening riff on the guitar and you can hear Carly goes

Yeah yeah A gun She whispers goes Son of a gun Wow Yeah like she's so impressed Go listen to that again Yeah yeah it's a great song

I went saw Mick Jagger This is like 25, 30 years ago But So he was 70 I saw him pick up a girl Across the room Without saying a word It was like

Harpal Marks Like it was just I can see that. Like, he just looked at this. He just stared at her and, like, it was like... Well, didn't he take Jerry Hall away from Brian Ferry and basically, like, kind of in front of Brian and his apology, I think, to Brian Ferry was, why did you leave your girl with me?

I'm Mick Jagger. Don't you know what happens? Like, it's not my fault. That's what I do. Like the, once the parable of the frog and the squirrels, The scorpion. What is it? The frog...

You knew I was a scorpion when you put me on your back. Right. Why'd you do this? The frog wants to get across the river. It wants a ride on the frog. Yeah. So he says, why would I sting you halfway across the river? Because then we'll both die.

But then he does. And the frog's like, we're just dying. He goes, look, I'm a scorpion. What do you think? You're letting me do this. Yeah. So that's kind of... There is something kind of beautiful about true knowing of self,

even if the self that you know is kind of an awful person. But if you're like, well, that's what I am. That's true. That's what I do. I mean, that's what he does. I mean, like, you know, we don't have to talk. No, no, I mean, but in a very weird way, and it's something that it took me, I took me way too.

I was stupidly doing the whole, oh my God, he said this. and then he went and said this other thing, thinking that that would, I still had this West Wing mentality of you could just point out when someone's wrong and then things are over for them and I didn't see that things were changing

and that there's a new, you're talking about a flex, there's a new flex of, yes, I did say this thing and I'm doing the opposite, because I can. And his followers would go, that's awesome. It took us a while to realize

because we are from that generation of comedians and comedy where, you know, you point out something that's bad and the other person feels shame and he's like, I don't feel that. You can totally point that out. And we're in this very new dark era because of that.

For somebody who's almost 80, he's so much more in touch and in tune with like the younger spirit of the country, you know, which is sort of like, they don't know that there are rules because the educational system collapsed. And so when you can't even expect these people who were like even under 40 who went to school in America where they don't

teach you things anymore to know it's people who remember oh wait no there is a way it should run there is a way liberal democracy was supposed to run there there are norms you know and younger people are like they're not exercised about it because they never know it existed in the first place they were never taught it or what's even what's even worse is and talking about how what he's in tune with he is really, really in tune with that period when you're really young and you feel insanely intimidated by the world. So what you have until you figure out who you are is just bravado and provocation and being offensive

because you don't know how else to be. You don't, there's nothing. When I was in my 20s, I was all about this is bullshit and I hate this and this is lame because I was terrified of committing to saying I like something and having it be lame. It's not until you get older, we go, I don't care who thinks. I just like what I like.

But when you're young and she really, really, really, really honed in on that because that's how he is every second of the day. Not every second of the day, but certainly in public. Yeah. But like tweeting out that thing of him riding the plane with a crown, dropping shit on people. I mean, if you're a 16-year-old boy, that's exactly what you would do. So, I mean, it gets to the 16-year-old boy in a lot of people who are older than 16.

But, yeah, there's a lot of people who basically have stayed 16 years old for a very long time. Well, we all, look, we're comics. We've still, we, our whole thing is staying. We fight like fucking middle schoolers comics. That's all we do. Well, we have to, unless we, if we lose our ability to see the world anew, what is a bit? it's not a bit unless the audience is hearing something that they didn't think of

or sometimes they thought of and wouldn't say out loud but mostly it's something they didn't think of when Louis C.K. talks about like you know we would take it for granted flying but we're sitting in a chair in the sky. It's like we've all done it a million times but he identified it in a way that is true

and it's seeing it anew. And that's a child-like thing, not childish, child-like thing to do. But there's a difference between child-like and childish. Child-ish is turning away. Child-like is pointing that out, and then childish is turning away from it and going, I don't want to think about that.

Dropping poop from the plane where you're sitting. Screw this. Child-like would be, wow, the most people in history have just turned out to march against me. Maybe what if he act? But there's no growing with him. It's, I have stayed this way, and I'm going to keep this way. And there's a weird, sick sort of defiance in that.

Yes. And there's also, you're talking about the 16-year-olds, but think about the 35- and 40-year-olds who also live their lives under the heel of some boss. They've got no power. Absolutely. And they're watching people. Yep. They watch a boss go, no one who works in this factory can smoke.

And they just lights up in front of them, and they're like, well, And that's, they fantasize about being that guy. Of course. And that's who Trump is. And that's their fantasy. And these people that go, so he's saying America first and he just put out a video where he's dropping shit. And in one of the frames, the shit drops on the American flag. There's an American, the shit.

And people go, yeah, he can totally contradict himself. That's power. I mean. There is a thing that appeals to very damage people. And there's a lot of damage people in this country right now. that have been damaged by the system. It was very smart to surround himself with much younger people. Like the Democratic Party, their sort of image is Biden, old, Steny Hoyer.

A lot of oldies, not that the Republicans don't, but Trump, who is somehow 80 and does not read as youthful, because he, and Reed as unyuthful, because he is energetic. He's a giant colicky baby. Right, okay. I mean, he has colicky baby energy. Right, exactly. And people like, oh, God, we got to put him down. But he also surrounds himself, and look, I'm not a fan of most of these people.

No. But Caroline Levitt, I mean, the press spokesman, is a 28-year-old woman? They asked her, who suggested a Budapest, a fairly innocent question, as the place for the With the Putin meeting? Putin meeting. And she said, your mom did. I mean, that, yes, there's something very funny about that, but there's also something kind of scary.

Very scary. We like to think that the levers of power, even if they're being controlled by evil people, they're controlled by evil, competent people. But I don't want, I don't want them controlled by the snotty kid in the food court that's going, yeah, nice shoes, old man. Like, that's, I don't want. that guy with a finger on their nuclear button, man. But like when, like he bombed Iran, which I was all four,

and then he comes out to make a speech, and there's Vance with him, Heggseth, and Marco Rubio, all with their natural dark hair. You know, they're 40, it's true. I mean, if you're somebody, and this is a lot of people in this country, you don't really follow politics or know the issues, and you're in your bubbles and blah, blah, blah. They just see this guy, and Christy Noem and Tulsi,

and, you know, it's just a younger crew. They may be a cash Patel. They may be crazier, they are, but they're also just, they don't, it's like fresh, new, we're, we're the, we're, you know, we're a new generation, and we have our natural dark hair. But it's. And we don't. No, although I think, and we,

We shouldn't, we really can't talk on this because we're comedians and comedians, white knuckle their youth forever. But there is a problem with the baby boomers, and especially right now, it's, the Democrats have it worse than the Republicans, even though, as you said, there's old Republicans. We need a generation that is okay with walking away when their time is done. We need a generation that can do a John Wayne at the end of the searchers and go, I've created this world, but now I don't belong it anymore. I'm going to walk away and let them run it.

and we have these people that are white-knuckling power, and you did your time. Remember that there's this, that conversation when John Entwistle of the Who was talking to Pete Townsend, and he said, I don't get this rap music. And then Pete said, we're not supposed to get it. We did our thing. And now we got to get out of the way

and let them do their thing. We had our time, and we can still play in people like our music. Right. But you're not the vanguard forever. Right. So get the first. Fuck out of the way. But that's one reason why comedy, though, is in the long run, better than music.

Now, we never experience what musicians get at the height. And we don't go up to that level out of it, right at the edge of it. Well, lately, comedians, there have been comedians that are experienced that height, which I think is kind of bad for comedy. Eddie Murphy. It was a rock star comedian. It was a rock star. But that should have been an anomaly. Now there's like 10 comedians of filerinas.

They're not rock stars. Just because they fill arenas doesn't make them a lot. a rock star. Yeah, but I'm just, I'm just, that's different. I'm just, I'm just worried, I'm not worried. I can't, that that's, that's false. There's a lot of comedians now that it's very, very easy to build yourself up to someone who's filling an arena. Yeah. And you miss those years that we had in the wilderness. No one's filming you. No one's watching you. No one cares. And you can actually build a unique voice. Was there anything more valuable? I was just, you have the sign from the catch a rising straw in the restroom here.

Yeah, yeah, I do. There were plenty of nights there where you went up, I'm sure, and bombed on an epic scale. And you woke up the next day and we're like, oh, that didn't affect anything. I got that out of my system. And now you actually made you better. No, no, not me. I was depressed. Oh, you were really depressed.

Weren't you? I was. But then later in the day, I just saw, wait, there's another show tonight. I just bombed Garvins on a Tuesday. And now it's Wednesday. and they want me to do another set oh okay the world didn't end i can keep going i got over the fear of bombing and and also you get over that you get over the high of having those killer sets you and i know comedians who never got over their one killer set that you're like you're living

on something that happened 20 years ago you need to keep you need to keep building you know what i mean so uh i mean everyone's being filmed every every every second of your life is being chronicled and I want young performers to have time in the wilderness. They need it so badly to develop. Yeah, I mean, look, I got off the road this year for the, I mean, I had been doing it for really? Yeah, I stopped doing it at the end of 20. What made you stop?

Well, I just did my 13th HBO special. I feel like that's a good body of word. Yeah. Again. I said what I needed to say people. You know, and I felt they all, they basically got better as it went along. I feel like the last one was the best one, which is a good way to get off.

And a number of things. Just get tired of the travel, obviously. I miss doing it. Also, I feel like it was a great choice because I don't want to be out there in this country, in this political atmosphere. I can get shot by the left or the right. Yeah, well, at this point.

I mean, it's a good time to not be out there. And also, apropos of this discussion, I just got tired of being twice as funny as people who were selling twice as many tickets as me. And that's just a, you know what, that's partly because I'm on TV every week. So not that I didn't sell a lot of tickets and do great theaters,

but I didn't sell arenas and some people did who, frankly, are not that great. But, you know, when you're, the audience is 35 to 45, they don't want to see somebody 70. They did, it's your thing about, you know, the searchers. I want to see my generation.

Right, someone new. And okay, so I still have my show, I have this, I didn't need it, I miss it, but that's part of what it is, is, you know, I see some of the comedy that is popular today, and some of it's good, and some of it is like, yeah, it's just like the rap thing, like, or, I mean, I do like some rap, but like lots of new music. It's like, yeah, I get that these kids like it, I don't get it, and I'm not supposed to get it. You know, you're not supposed to get it. But also, you keep in mind with a lot of rap music, remember in the 80s when people were so down on rap, it's like, what is the rap that you're being exposed to? You're being exposed to Vanilla Ice and two live crew because they're in the news. You're not seeing De La Sol.

You're not seeing, you know, the Beastie Boys. You're not seeing people that are really being, you know, cool Mo Dean, people that are being really innovative. So there's always the ones that, yes, they're making the biggest noise. and then there's people doing amazing work that you don't see unless you're in that world and see it. Well, I certainly don't look in music for innovation. I look for entertainment.

Like, I don't really care what is changing the face of music. I just, it's completely a pleasure. But sometimes... It's like having an important blowjob, you know. It's just pleasure. But sometimes when someone is changing the face of music and they're feeling pleasure doing it, Like when you listen to early Prince Paul albums

and you can feel the joy. Prince Paul, when he did a handsome boy modeling school. And like you can feel the excitement from him. Like, oh my God, I'm actually doing something amazing here. And that, to me, is just as entertaining when you see, or when you like really young filmmakers right now, like Zach Krieger and Ryan Coogler, you feel their excitement on screen.

It's like watching early Scorsese films. like, I'm actually getting away with, I can't believe this. This is awesome. I'm pushing this so far. You're more culture than I am. I'm really not. No, because I like, I also, by the way, I just want to be entertained. Me too. But the entertainer

being excited and also being a little scared, like, oh my God, this could go right in the shit or if this, I don't know if this is going to work. That's also exciting. I feel like that's almost every movie. I mean, no, most movies now are aggressively unexciting. Okay, let me put it.

Almost every movie I like. Right, you know, which is not just a few movies. It's, you know, they still make good movies and I'm entertained all the time. But you got it, you got to look for him now. Yeah, yeah. Also, by the way, keep in mind, everyone that always looks at things nostalgically like, oh, TV was so much, you could get away with stuff in the early 70s on TV. You're literally naming, remember they would go, you remember one in the 70s on the same night?

It was Mac. Mary Tyler Moore. Rob Newhart and all in the family. It's like, you just named the four good shows that were on in that decade. Everything else sucked. Yeah, they all put them on one. Yes, it was not a good time to be watching stuff.

Right. Hang on, this is water, right? I'm not chasing my scotch with vodka. Sure. Well, it's definitely not vodka. It's probably maybe sparkling water. Okay. There we go.

All right. So I'm very anti-nostalgia. I think nostalgia. I agree. The nostalgia is going to destroy us. Well, it's personal. I only live in the future, you know. What?

What do you mean? Well, that's all we have. I mean, I take, when people say, you know, you have your memory, yeah, it's gone. Whatever's happened as wonderful as everything that's in the rearview mirror was in my life. And, you know, a lot of bad things back there, too. Oh, yeah. Um, you know, life is not a game. You win 11 to nothing.

You win, if you, if you're lucky enough to win, you're lucky enough to win, you win at 8 to 5, but it's going to score on you. Oh, you know, you're, you are not going to pitch a shutout. You said, where the fuck did I read this? And it was, it was so comforting. You said, I never understood these people that are like, I have no regret. No regrets. No apologies.

And you're like, are you fucking kidding me? What life did you, if you haven't apologized for anything or regret anything, you didn't live a life. What the fuck? And I admire people who do. And I actually like myself when I do because it shows that I'm not insecure, that I can go, oh, my bad, you know what? Fucked up. Now I know better. Now I know better.

Didn't know better. Didn't know, now I know. I learned. And, you know, maybe I went off half cocked or what. What's weird is our generation, you were, you could do that. But there's a, again, and I'm not putting this generation down. It's not their fault. They live in a world where because everything is being recorded

and everything is forever, you can't apologize, or then that's this weird mark on you. There's this. Didn't we have a beef or something in a minute? Oh, yeah, we did. I don't, look, see, look, this is so, this is so, but this is so important about human relations. Yeah.

I don't remember what it was. I don't care what it was. I just remember we had a lovely dinner. I think Sarah Silverman was there. And I was like... And you gave me some very helpful nutritional advice. Oh, yes. And there was the nutrition.

Genuinely, I was like, fuck, did Bill Lard just help me out? And then you wrote me a lovely email about the lovely advice. And it was like, it's like, look, it's not hard for us who basically think very much alike and have very similar backgrounds to like bond. It's harder to do it with Pam Bondi. But... But... But you can do it with anybody. But by the way, people that also think very much alike,

those are the ones that have the biggest fights. Those are the ones that will have the biggest beefs and have the... Yeah, because you're like, oh, I thought we were on the same wavelength and why the fuck did this, you know? And also, comedians, I think more than anyone, and I think a lot of people that are outside of comedy, and I hate to use the word civilian because it sounds so condescending. But there's people outside of comedy like, oh, my God, these guys are fighting.

It's like, no, no, no, no. comedians are always and also there's nothing better as a comedian than have comedians around you that hand you your shit every now and then and go dude that fucking bit would you and like you need that I've the reason that I'm

as good as I am is because I surrounded myself with comedians like Brian Hosein and Margaret Cho and Paul F. Tompkins and Blaine Capatch all whom I think are funnier than me and who all whenever when I would hang out in San Francisco with them and we'd be riffing stuff.

I was never the funniest guy in the room and it made me work harder at what I did. And I still talk to comedians that I think people like Lori Kilmartin and this guy, Derek Sheen, who I just think are such better writers and the way they think about things and it makes me work harder at what I do. I don't want to be the funniest guy in the room.

That is so depressing. You don't grow. and you know that when you came up the group you were with you were always like comedy I mean it's just so idiosyncratic so to say this guy is funnier than me

I just find that silly because it's just to somebody else to you know you do the material I always say you wish someone was doing to you because you would laugh at it you love your

own material because you wrote it if you saw if you weren't you or like sometimes you will go back and look at something you did so many years ago that you don't remember it and you'll be like that's this that's all that what a great joke and you're like yeah that guy that yeah 35 year old me did that and now me forgot about it and so I'm watching it as if I'm watching somebody different and I'm like oh that is good and there's that weird moment where you're like wait a minute where can I get that youthful stupidity back because the stupidity helped me get to that thought sometimes sometimes you know yeah sometimes i mean sometimes that i look there there are um i'm something i remember louis k

telling me and i and i he i was also obsessed with this he was obsessed with not great comedians who nevertheless have one amazing joke oh yeah and you're like how do you have this joke and you almost want to like rescue it from them and put it in a better act and it drives you crazy like how is that joke yours. But it happens. How did the divinels only put out, I Touch Myself? Such a great record and then nothing. Well, except that

I mean, Sleeping Beauty is a great song. I love Sleeping Beauty. Maybe I'm just not aware. You got to, their early stuff is, the stuff that they did that pushed through with I Touch Myself, that's a fine album. But their early stuff, when they were raw and almost like on the edge of punk,

go listen to I'm Sleeping Beauty by the Divinels. That thing is, that's a nasty and it's way nastier than I touch myself. Something tells me I will do that, but something tells me that because you're more of a culture vulture than I am. Not a culture, I just like stuff! No, I know, and I just like stuff too, but I tend to

like more, with music anyway, more mainstream, pop, not horrible, not bubble gum, but like, you know, like, I like what the hits are, and I'm a feeling I'm going to listen to this. There's a reason that they're hits. Nothing drives me to when they're good. And people like them. When someone goes, ah, this band, they just wrote a bunch of hit songs. Do you know how the part it is to write a hit song?

That is like, I know. You just named, oh, that guy, all he does is hit fucking home runs. That's not interesting. I know. It's like, wait, what are you talking about? Right. Yeah. It's the matcha or the three ensemble Cado, Cepora,

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Lux Beauty has something for every style and price point. Visit our Holtz holiday shop and store or online at Holtrenfrew.com. But like, that thing that you were talking about of, oh, who's the best community? On any given night, someone can be the best comedian and someone can be the worst comedian. I have gone on nights. There's no such thing as getting beyond having bad nights.

there's just there's just there that doesn't exist and there are some nights when the most average comedian can go on stage and somehow click on something and something happens same with acting well it's also an audience is just a mysterious entity it's an event it's a verb it's not a noun an audience is a verb not a noun it's not going to happen again it's that moment it's not going to happen again it's a verb and some there's some psychic energy that that goes through a room of people in an audience where collectively they just take on more of a singular personality. I don't know, there are certain dominant brains in the room

and there's brain waves, I don't know what it is, but they just take on a certain singular personality and that personality can be good and it can be bad. I never believe these comics who said, there's no such thing as a bad audience. Yes, there is. There, what there, there is absolutely a, there is absolutely a good and bad way to deal with a bad audience. I was a great practitioner, certainly in my earlier years and probably too long after, of the bad way of doing it.

Yeah. Well, I mean, Larry David almost heard his career because comedians would rush into the room to watch him deal badly with a bad audience. Like that was more entertaining to them than him doing well. And it was kind of hurting him. It was so fascinating. I saw him once walk off stage because someone coughed. Really? I'm not lying.

I mean, he almost looked for a reason to walk off stage. Well, or he would look for a reason to put up a wall in front of the audience and see if they could still climb over it. So he would go up on stage. I remember one time he goes, do you mind? I don't know why this makes me laugh so hard. Do you mind if I use the formal boo and not the familiar two? And this is probably, I'm sure that was a governor's, and there was a whole audience just different. Like, what the fuck is, what is this asshole doing? So yeah, that, you know.

So I guess we played the same venues. We just, you just started slightly later than I did. So we missed each other on that circuit. We missed each other. When did you start? I started in 79 and moved out to L.A. in 83. Oh, you got, so you got to experience the boom. Yes. got to experience the boom years. Yes. Yes, I remember when mid-sized cities had like four comedy clubs, like Columbus, Ohio would have four comedy clubs. I started in the summer of 88, and I got the tiniest taste of the boom, and then I watched the boom collapse. Yes, that was the collapse. That was the collapse. A lot of the art that I have in my house, I'm ashamed to it. I, listen to

this. Okay. I'm ashamed to admit this, but I'm also kind of proud. Bud Friedman of the Improv fame. Oh, Bud. Like, during the boom, he opened, like, many improv franchises around the country. Way too many. And when it busted, when it boomed, he bought a big trophy house in Beverly Hills and filled it with art. You know, he was newly married to his second wife. I loved Alex and still love her.

And, you know, they wanted to, they were like, you know, they were like, you know, We're now in this realm. We're now in this echelon. We're in Beverly Hills. We're not like the owner of the improv. We, and we like it. Yeah. So when it busted, he took me around his house and said,

I'll sell you this for 300 bucks. And I have in my house to this day, like, I'm going to say, I don't want to say priceless art. It certainly wasn't priceless. But I'm just saying I got it as a beneficiary of the bust. in the comedy club circuit. In the eventual I don't want to say

that anyone would do a biopic on Bud Freeman but hey, that would be an amazing scene in a movie set in the late 80s as the bust happens and they just Bud Freeman leading you and Paul Reiser and like you can have this for like $200. It's a freaking clee.

Please, I need to get rid of this right now. And then to make it worse about 10 years later Oh, no. My friend, Eddie the Hat, who was a art dealer, was dying. Oh, God. And he needed money. And he took me around his, but he had so many pieces.

Are you this art world angel of death? What the fuck? Hey, how's Eddie the hakeling? Well, listen, I don't want to say anything, but Bill Maher just went to his house. It was his idea. He said, I'll give you everything for just what I paid for it. And I bought $100,000 worth of, like,

and a lot of it didn't even fit anywhere yet. What if you became slang in the art world? If you don't stop smoking, Bill Maher's going to visit your house and look at your collection. I didn't plan it. I'm just like the vulture of the art world. Like when I see that you're going down,

I mean, look, it's not like anyone's going to need those bones that I'm picking at. I mean, why not picket them? I'm sorry, but some of this furniture that you have in this room, I don't know. By the way, you still have the sniper angle. I watched a lot of these episodes,

and there's a frigging camera angle that is a hired killer behind one of these... One of these pillars about to kill. It's the weirdest angle to have for a talk show. Are you reminding your guest that all glory is fleeting like anyone can kill you at any second? Why is this angle back here? I don't know.

I just love that this whole... room you know i had this room fitted out by a crew that did like big brother like literally like those kind of i well i said that makes a lot of i said if i'm going to do a oh it's all coming together now a podcast i'm going to do it like not like the other podcast where you actually see the mic and like you're on you know because other podcasts honestly most of them just look like talk shows they just took the talk show format they moved it on to the podcast and it's just but it's like coming with a microphone and cards with questions. That's not what we're doing here.

We're just, we're just, are you drinking? Dude, this is, which camera is mine? Oh, right there. Could I introduce you to me? Or the one that's going to shoot you in the head. Can I ask? Hi there, hired killer. You know, when you get the shakes from killing too many people that couldn't keep their mouth shut,

you want to turn to the soothing hopper pop distilled. McCarthy's single malt whiskey. It's made in Portland, Oregon by the Clear Creek Distillery, and it's the only American single malt whiskey, and it's the one that I always trust. McCarthy's good for you, and it'll keep

those demons from coming at night. And that's why I like to hang out with comedians. Yeah, exactly. Let's see a banker do that. But some of this furniture, I'm having weird flashbacks to green rooms in comedy clubs, is this stuff?

Because I saw the Catcherizing Star sign. Did you salvage stuff from... No. Oh, okay. No. My girl, Ashley. Because there wasn't there for a while there was a weird design

style book for comedy clubs in the 80s. Well, that's in the book too about like, you know, there's a funny passage where he first walks into the club and wherever he was on the road. And like, it was, the crowd on the wall.

Yes, in neon. W.C. Fields. And you know, Charlie Chapplin. And you remember Andy Kindler's joke about that? As if we were following in their footsteps. Yes, but his joke was, why drag them into it? What did they do? Why do they have to be part of this?

It knows if we were following in the footsteps of W.C. Fields. Oh, yes. It's true. I'm a continuation. Charlie Joplin, W.C. Fields, the geniuses of comedy. And then Pat and Oswald yamering about a date that went wrong. Right.

By the way, talking about dealing with crowds, there's this great Andy Kindler set on David Letterman where it was like his third set because he went on twice and killed. And his third set, there's a chunk of it that just he's getting nothing, nothing. This is a Letterman set. And then he does a joke and it's a very weird joke and it gets nothing. And then he just says, um, uh, folks, I don't write this stuff. and then people just

explode. It's like he handled what you said, a bad crowd, but on national TV, it's, I'm sorry, it's an amazing moment, but those moments of,

you must have so many memories of someone that was dealing with a bad crowd and then turned it around on a horrible night where you're like, this night could have been this forgotten Thursday night and then I turned the last 15 minutes

into something transcendent. That's why we keep doing it. Well, that's not why I kept doing it. I mean, I don't want that painful experience before I would I would love it and you know luckily in the last oh god knows how many years of doing this I never had a bad moment because I was older in the crowd like me to begin with and I was doing and I'm a professional and I didn't you know but in those first 10 years I mean there's so many nights like that and I never I don't remember any instances instances of what you're talking about. about of turning it around what I you could call it that what I'm I saw and what I learned to do with a bad crowd is just stay with it just don't acknowledge it and if you don't acknowledge it my my problem at the beginning was I would acknowledge it immediately and blame them you know what's wrong with you

idiots you're not getting that great joke I just you got to get over that or yeah but it takes a while to get over that because you're so it took me a very long time and and what you can do is if you just first of all you have to keep in mind the audience doesn't know they're bad because they're not comparing it's any other audience they're not a professional audience person oh yeah they're there on this one night they think they're doing great you were remembering you're remembering last night in chicago when they were awesome and now you're here and they suck and you can't blame them for that You know, it's amazing.

There's a generation of comedians that can call up their own TikTok account from an audience to go. This is the audience last night. You guys are wrong. Watch this. Just watch. Like, they could show you that. Do they? No, I'm just saying if they wanted to, they could.

See, that's what I always wanted to do. You wanted to show them footage of, see? I just started to get hard when you said that. That's like such a lifelong dream that I wanted to. We'll be right back. That'd be this word from McLaren or Patrick McCarthy. Please. Are you invested in this company?

No, I just... Oh, you're just like them. They're so tasty. God bless you. McCarthy's has that great... It's a great combination of... It doesn't quite have the smokiness of Lagovolent, but there's smoke,

and it doesn't quite have the sweetness of Akintoshin, but it's sweet. It is the fuck. They nailed the... This is a Molotov cocktail made out of hugs. That's what McCarthy says. I hate to keep going back to this thing. Go ahead.

But I just think you're more cultured than me. I mean, you're like, I don't talk about liquor this way. I don't talk about movie, the comics, music, and it's okay. But I'm just, I'm just, I'm just enthusiastic about stuff. And when I, I'm one of those guys that, if I like something, then I got to know everything about it. You know what I mean? Like, then I got to go back and listen to everything or watch everything. If there's a, so.

Are you a YouTube, like, get into the YouTube? For as far as YouTube can take you. There's a lot of stuff that you've got to either go to the, you still got to, I'm very, very happy that there are certain things, still got to go to the record store and find the vinyl, still got to. I'm also very lucky that I'm friends with people like Blaine Capatch, who is my entry into all this obscure music. I've become friends. Do you want to listen to a podcast called A History of Rock and Roll in 500 songs? No. Oh, dude. This guy Andrew Hickey, who I've become friends with, and he knows. every little side road about every song you've ever it's fascinating

and I just love learning all the stories and does he have the right 500 songs that he's talking about because like here's the thing he even does an episode where he goes this is called a history of rock and roll in 500 songs it is not the history it is my history

and a lot of this is wrong it's not wrong and you should argue with it it's not wrong it's just personal But like the silliest thing you can ever say to somebody, I think, is, you know, you don't like this song. Oh, well, that was, again, that was me in my 20s. And I now, but maturing is now going, I used to go like, you haven't seen Apocalypse now. But now I'm like, oh, you haven't, you're going to get to see it for the first time.

I'm never going to get to do that again. I'm really excited. Like, damn, I would give anything to see that movie for the first. time again. So, like, as you get older, you get that, you know, oh, it's, I'm not trying to win any argument. There's so much, like, so much of comedy and culture, they've added this weird sports element to it of this person wins, this person owns, or this person, it is different every single day. There's no best actor. There's no best comedian. It's everyone doing their best job every single day. And some days, you could just nail it. And other days, you don't.

And it doesn't end the world and you keep showing up and doing it. And that's the best way to pursue art. And I wish it just wasn't ranked all the time. I think, I mean, you have much more experience with acting than I do. And you were in D.C. Cab. I mean, I wasn't. I'm never going to top that. No, you did.

You had the deal. You were in between Gary Busey and Mr. T. I mean, I can't. No, but you've had quite a career as an actor. Very lucky. I said the fuck up no one's buying that I'm very lucky what are we on entertainment

tonight listen there is a there is an element of luck to everything oh that's true but you're also like I was going to say because you were going on about how like we have good days and bad days to the audience we don't notice it like I never once watched you and thought

boy he's having a bad day I'm like he's doing his thing which works I mean that movie you did the big fan oh boy is a great movie and that's maybe me being a cultural vulture because that's not like uh you know i'm sure the biggest box office earner of that oh boy but what a great movie what a and also the one you did with charlie's charlie's what's that one adult young adult is a awesome movie and that and you're i mean yeah you you did it as good as anybody does well that with charliez that was really

helpful because yes I did work very hard at work that was the first time I really worked with an acting coach that's another awesome movie what adult world but no the animated one that um no no young adult so good yeah yeah just such a like you know they make yes most movies are stupid and spandex and and you know shooting rays at the end of your fingers and I but they still make these kind of movies absolutely they still make them and they always always will. And there's a certain group of like, you know, I'm sorry, but, you know, Pharisees of the business who are mad at us because we won't see them in the theater. Like, you need to see it with a group of people and it's better if everyone's laughing. You know, I don't give a shit

if everyone's laughing. I care if I'm laughing. I don't know. I'm not going to laugh because you're laughing. But I will, okay. Think it's the your culture vulture. You want them to go to the theater. It's a different experience. If you go see it in a theater, I'm telling you, I'm not in bed. That's how different it is. I can't go to the bathroom for two seconds and come back to it. I can't snuggle. I mean, it's just... There I've had moments

in theaters with people that have changed the way I have looked at films and made those, and reminded me how even deeper and more amazing those movies were because and I'm sure there were people that will tell you like I got a deeper appreciation of this band because

I saw them in concert. Like, okay, give you an example. Well, that's, yes. I always thought P.J. Harvey was perfectly fine. I liked her music. And then one night, I was at the Viper Room. I was going to go see a band called Metal Shop, which is this really fun band. And PJ Harvey went up with her bassist and just worked out the new songs from songs from the city, songs from the sea.

Just the rawest, and it made me completely, I was like, I did not know this dimension of her. It would make me take heroin. See, again, she was amazing. I'm sure it was. Oh, my God. It's like my top five contract experiences. Me and 40 people.

Yeah, I'm so opposite. I mean, we would definitely not be a good married couple. No, all we would do is fight. All we do is fight. But you know what? The liquor would make it okay. It would smooth out there. And the sex would be hot because it would be like sex.

Because it would be so angry. Exactly. It would be so angry. And you and I are at that weird. This isn't like you and Seth MacFarlane. We would fight over who's the bottom. Like we could only. almost argue week to week like how is it changing it would oh it would always we'd always be

on the edge of our seats it's true that is the gayest relationship i had that's not actually gay yeah um but i love them because it is that way yeah it's great um but uh but no i i i i j harvey i know the name i wouldn't know her if i fell over in my sleep maybe she's fantastic i'll give her a try also on your recommendation but but the idea of liking something in its rawst form. I don't even like usually when they put out posthumous recordings of stuff

where they were working on it. Oh no, a lot of that's terrible, but... Like, no, you made the right decision when you put out, you know, the version you put out generally. Like the Beatles put out anthology in 1995. They put out 25 years after they broke up.

They said, no, okay, we're going to go to the vault. We're tired of people. First of all, just bootlaking it. Let's do it officially. And, of course, anything Beatles is going to make a fortune. And it was great. And they put out two new tracks where the three of them did something that Lenin had. Yeah, free as a bird.

I like those songs. Oh, I hated those. I love those songs. Those songs were necrophilia. Great pop songs. Necrophilia. Free as a bird. And what's the other one?

What was the other one? Oh, I know it. I'm just stoned. I can't think of it. Wait, you smoke weed? Yeah. Bill Mark... Do you?

Are you cool saying this on camera? Bill Mark smokes weed? If they haven't caught on by now, I tell you. It's this country's dimmer than I thought it would be. But like in general, I listen to the outtakes, you know, the other bear. There's a couple where I would say they, I think they got it wrong. I like the... There's a version of glass onion.

from the White album that I like better. There's a version of Good Morning, Good Morning, which is on Sergeant Pepper, which is at least as good, a little more raw without giving up any of the production value. One after 909, which they originally recorded when they were a young band and they never got to it. And then they put it, they did it on the Let It Be album,

their last album. So they brought back something they were doing when they were a club band in 1963. And they're playing in German strip clubs. And they did, yeah, they were. And they did not do it as well as I thought the first time. Other than that, they basically got it right. They put out the best version.

They and George Martin got it right. That idiot's like me, just the young man in the 22nd row. That's all I am. That's all I want. Yeah. Look, listen, I get that. But I'm saying that when I'm talking about going to see a movie, you're not watching a raw thing.

And someone like PJ Harvey, who is such a, busts her ass writing songs she wasn't going up going I don't know if this is going to work like these were songs she was about to record and was ready to record and everything landed like a fucking flasette grenade it was a minute 40 people in this room

were just blown away well you were so those moments like that I really live for those those moments when the artist themselves is just as surprised as the audience those are amazing but I bet you my reaction would be there's something here

which is great. Now, come back when you finish this record. By the way, listen, there are certain things for a while. I remember in the early, in the mid-90s, they toured a version of the big sleep. Humphrey Bogart's the big sleep, and they toured Howard Hawks. The Marlowe novel?

The Marlowe novel. Made into a... Howard Hawks with... First Humphrey Bogart. Right? No, not the first Humphrey Bogart. Humphrey Bogart had played Sam Spade before that in Maltese Falcon. Isn't the big sleep, Sam Spade?

No, big sleep is Philip Marlowe. Philip Marlowe, right, okay. Yeah, so Philip Marlowe's remit. And it was redone with, what's Barbara Strys-Sand's for his husband? Elite Gould. But redone in the seven years. Was it not? I don't want to be a nerd here, but.

No, tell me. Sam Spade is Dashiel Hammett, and that was Dalton's Falcon. And Maltese Falcon is a remake that had been made twice before horribly. and then John Houston showed up and nailed it. Oh, really? And then Howard Hawks made The Big Sleep, and that's Philip Marlowe, which is Raymond Chandler. Elliot Gould did The Long Goodbye,

which is another Raymond Chandler. Okay. And that movie is incredible, and especially it's incredible. Go back and watch it and think of it as Philip Marlowe has, for some reason, zapped forward in time to early 70s, L.A. and can't quite handle that he's zapped forward in time

and is just, it is kind of bullshing his way through it. It is, there are so many brilliant things going on in that movie. The original. The one that Robert Altman did. Robert Altman. But what I'm saying is the big scene. They toured the big scene. Oh, the Robert Altman did The Long Goodbye?

Robert Altman did the Long Goodbye. Okay. It's so good. Well, he's a very distinctive style. Yes, and he was. Do you either love it, you know, mash? mash it's great but when you go back and watch it

you forget how absolutely mean spirit of that film was it's about a bunch of people that are basically in hell and they're just eating each other alive i like the tv show better because that's me the movie is brilliant but the best the best altman is macape and mrs miller and it's not even close oh that's warren baity

oh my god have you seen macaa and mrs miller i'm sure i did a million years ago I know, it's a Western, there's a whore, right? Yeah, he's trying to build a whorehouse. He's trying to build a whorehouse? That's the plot. Bill, how have you not seen that this is like, I think I just forgot it.

It's a guy trying to build a whorehouse in a little town. I'm going to watch it tonight right after I listen to PJ Harvey. And Julie Christie shows up and hands him his ass. And it's like, you don't know what you're doing. Here's what you got to do. And it's incredible. But the important part in real life is that he was fucking her. Well, why?

Look, if you're, by the way, if you're Warren Beatty and Julie Christie in the early 70s, you both look at each other and go, we should fuck each. I mean, what do we do at this point? We're the hottest people on the planet. What are we supposed to do? But getting back to the big sleep, but I'll make it really quick, they toured a version of it where they toured the Howard Hawks cut, where they tried to stay close to the novel.

And there's the studio cut where the studio came in and went, more banter between Bogie and McCall. Don't worry about the plot. Just have these two. And in that movie, their banter is sexy in today's terms. It's like so flagrant. And you're like, I can't believe. Did the audiences not know what they were talking about?

You know, you watch the version that Howard Hawks shot and cut where he's like, I want this to adhere to the plot. You're like, sometimes the studio's right. Sometimes the studio comes in and goes, just these two flirting with each other. The studio's often right because it's their money. Well, I'm going to do it. Disagree. No, not always.

Not always. But like, who cut the godfather? I don't know if it was. I mean, Robert Evans said it was him. Well, Robert Evans, let's take everything he said with a grain of salt for the gods. I mean, yes, Robert Evans, yes, he says he was the guy who rescued the godfather. He's also the guy that made Jade and the in-laws and phase four for God's sakes. He's not, let's not go to him for, yeah, what's great sentiment?

a Robert? I remember one time. And that's great. I told Pilbola, you made a movie and you cut a, you cut a drive it movie, and you made a dick. You got to go back, you got to cut it a kid. That's what you got to do. That's a dead on Robert Evans. Well, I do a whole, I don't want to toot my own home, but I do a whole bit, because I was obsessed with

Robert Evans' audiobook, the kids. We all were. I would drive the Hollywood Hills, just listening to it over and over again. And I do a whole bit about him because, remember at the end of his We did those radio ads for ESPN, and they were so nonsensical, and it almost had nothing to do with sports. I was just like, that guy should be hawking everything. You know, Bob Odenkirk used to do a bit.

Oh. Do you know the bit? Well, they did a thing. He was God as Robert Evans. Sunsets? I make plenty of them, baby. This is dedicated to my son, Jesus. I learned something from you every day.

He did this. But I did by Robert Evans vimp for Mr. Show me, to the Robert Evans. Anyway, but yeah, it's such a good Robert Evan. Oh, well, because you basically what I say is it's such a great character to inhabit. Well, also, because he was, he did so much Coke, he was left with one, one vampire disco Coke nostril at the end of his life. Like, what the fuck is he going to, there's no other way of him to talk. You're right. I remember one time I was doing a film, and Brian Dead, he came into my trailer.

And he punched me right in the solar plexus. And I ejaculated my central nervous system. And that's like you just this story's made no sense. I used to go over to his house. Wait, do you, you met him? Met him. Did you hang on the screen? I was in his bed a lot.

He was always in his bed. It was always in his bed. I mean, I know that sounds like salacious, but nothing was going on there. No, he did all his business. There were eight people like watching some silly movie he wanted us to watch. There's some silly, like, a semi- You got to do that? Oh, many times.

God, fucking damn. Damn it. I'm going to need three more bottles of scotch. Yeah. So I had a friend that took a meeting over at his house. You know, the house with all the flowers and the fountain. Oh, I know it well. That Jack Nicholson bought for him that made, because remember he lost the house and Jack Nicholson went, I'm buying it back for you.

Is that the hot tub where Jack Nicholson like pimped out? Who's this? No, that was at Nicholson's house. That was not a, hey, let's not besmirch Robert Evans here, okay? No, no, no, but... No, you're thinking of Roman Polansky. Roman Polansky. That was in Nicholson's Hot Tub.

It was in Nicholson's Hot Tub. Yes. See, if you leave a bar and you're drunk, they can sue the bar. I'm not sure that shouldn't apply to Hot Tubbs, and I love Jack Nicholson, but I'm just asking as a question. Like, if someone gets fucked in the ass, in your hot tub, or is the hot tub owner somewhat responsible? See, these are the cases the Supreme Court should be hearing, not this bullshit about

We're litigating the 2020 election. We need to bring back. A friend of mine had a meeting over at Robert Evans' house. He was pitching them something. And at one point, she went to use. She goes, I need the restroom. He goes, well, it's down the hole. He goes to the right.

And she goes on the hall. She passes a room. And there's this huge dining room at the end of the table. Slash from Guns and Roses is sitting there eating sausages. No one's around him. He's just eating sausages. And then she went, and then she went back, and she felt like if it was, and she was like 1.30 in the afternoon, she goes, I felt like if it was 1.30 and Slash wasn't eating sausages, something had gone horribly wrong. On the way back, did you see Slash eating sausage?

No, I didn't see anybody. Okay, I got to call the police right now, because something's gone terribly wrong. It's hockey season, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So, no, you can't get a nice rank on Uber Eats. But iced tea, ice cream, or just plain old ice? Yes, we deliver those. Goaltenders, no.

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You think you understand how this business works, but you don't. Landman, TV's biggest phenomenon returns to Paramount Plus. from Taylor Sheridan, co-creator of Yellowstone, starring Billy Bob Thornton. You have to know the rules of the game and bend them. And you really have to know them to break them. Demi Moore. I want success. Get it for me. Andy Garcia, Ali Larder, and Sam Elliott.

You don't even know the game we're playing, do you? Landman, new season, now streaming. Only on Paramount Plus. Hit pause on whatever you're listening to, and hit play on your next adventure. This fall get double points on every qualified stay. Life's the trip. Make the most of it at Best Western. Visit bestwestern.com for complete terms and conditions. No, I mean, show people. Oh. There's no people like show people. There are not. No. They really are not. I mean,

that's literally true. If people think that they are different, you're right. Like that whole stars are just like us. They're not. No. No. No. Why? For both good and Good, exactly, good and bad. I mean, they are... Athletes are not like us. No. Everyone that, that, like, criticizes, oh, my God, Michael Jordan, Michael Jordan needed to be as crazy as he was to be the champion. He needed to think he was a deadly guy.

Why do you think he's crazy? Because he got a lot of pussy? No, because the way he thought about it, he could not ever lose. It was a mania with him, but it made him what he was. He had that genius. But when you're touched by that genius, a lot of people, they try to make bargains with it, like, oh, I got to be normal. And he's like, but I'm not normal. Right.

I'm a genius and I'm at another level, and I'm just going to accept it. Right. And that's also why he loved gambling. He could, I mean, that's what made him brilliant. The gambling? Yeah. No, no, no. Kids, you know, gambling is a shortcut to greatness.

no um he he couldn't he couldn't not be the best in the room remember that there's that weren't they shooting like free throws and everyone he missed like these kids would get like a certain amount of money for like some orphanage and he didn't miss it he was like I but I'm right I can't I'm Michael Jordan you pick the wrong guy to do this anyone else would happily go whoops and he's like it was kind of like that was Obama he used to have this pickup game pickup game I heard he was That he would do, no, quite the opposite, that he would do for pleasure, obviously. It's like, you know, like some people, Trump plays golf 10 times a week.

Obama didn't play golf. He wanted to play basketball. Yeah. But instead of just having the kind of game I have here when I play a pickup game, which is relaxed and fun, and we don't take it. We're being goofballs. We're being goofballs.

And it was like ex-NBA players, and they had a ref, and it was full court. And he would only, and he would only, take like three shots a game it's like why is that fun you're the you have the weight of the world on your shoulders and then you play this super serious game yeah but again it's your point they can't let it go that's the scorpion that's who i am but sometimes that is what makes a champion that's what of course it is people have to do that right we need that i mean he was that he like the way he was able to never take the bait i mean they tried every week

which way to get him to be the stereotype they wanted him to be. And after a while, it was so clear he was having so much fun doing that, he could see them putting the bait on the hook from miles away, like, oh, okay, I'm going to let them think I'm getting close and I'm just going to fuck with them. I'm not sure it was always that much fun having to do. No, it was fun for us to watch for him. I'm sure he was like enraged. I remember once it was just such a, I love that moment. It was a state of the union. I know the one you're talking about.

Really? And he goes, I have no more racists to run. And they all started clapping. He goes, I know, because I want them. Exactly. You're right. Yeah. We could be married.

You're finishing my sentences. Meredith, let's listen. We got to. No, he said, yeah, and I won both of them. And it was like such a, it was like the ultimate mic drop. Fuck you. Here's my dick in your ass moment. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And the fact that he. he was so restrained at ever doing that, and then did it just at the right moment. I mean, he's on a level. I always said he was the Jackie Robinson of American politics, because he was, not only because he broke the color barrier, but because he did it the way Jackie Robinson did,

which was you can't take the base. Unflappable. They're going to scream at you in Cincinnati. When you're on first base, the whole stadium is going to be yelling the N-word, and you just have to, forget about it and steal second and yeah i mean and he did it was so and obama did nothing was nothing was more fun than when they would try to they think they would find something that would

own him like the picture of him in college smoking and they would release the photos and it was the coolest fucking photo you like i would i would pay a stylist a thousand dollars they would not make me look that good and he's just sitting in a dorm having a cigarette like you wouldn't and then like the next day they're like never mentioned again because everyone's like that guy looks fucking awesome that's fuck god damn it like I just love every attempt to try to own him just backfired so horribly

and by the way it was the same thing with aOC remember when they found they found the damning video of aOC dancing and drinking with her friends on the roof at college are like and this is a this is a congress person and she looks so happy

and beautiful and cool and you're like oh they think this is ending her career because they never did this. Yeah, but they, they were never that comfortable to do this. Yeah. And if she had some deprogramming, she could be such a fantastic candidate. What do you mean deprogramming? Well, she just doesn't, she's never going to resonate with people outside of the bubble that she lives in in the very, very far left. Well, and that, I mean, the New York Times, of all people, the people I've been, like, squabbling with for the last seven, eight, ten years, whatever, when I was all about, you know, Democrats have gone too far

left. They just put out a huge editorial basically saying exactly what I've been saying. What, that she's too far left? Yes. And that the only way the Democrats will ever win again, not that the Republicans are probably going to give it back, is to be more moderate. But we don't have to argue about her. I mean, she has... If people think she's too far left, then that shows another way this country's broken right now. Well, I don't think it's necessarily broken in that way, but it just shows how the country is not there. That is not where the country is. And if you don't... Unfortunately, that... Okay, that's the one thing, and I hate to admit this. This country is not as mature as it thinks it is. We elected Obama, and clearly the country freaked out. We're still

living in that freak out. We are not as progressed. and evolved and intelligent as we think we are because we keep freaking out about this stuff. Well, the left freak out too. The left freaked out about a lot of bullshit too. What did they freak out about? Gender, race, parenthood, schools, homelessness, crime, the border, education.

Like we were not, we stopped being a scientific people. Like, it's not scientific. But the left certainly stayed scientific. No, they didn't. Why not? Because they think gender bullshit that they went way too far with. That's not scientific. But how do, I'm not trying to, how do they go too far with, like, gender stuff?

And I'm not trying to be. Instead of, well, if I was teaching children, what I would teach them is there is a default setting for the human being, which is heterosexuality. but not that doesn't mean every person is that and we should completely respect everyone who isn't that because but we understand that that's called a minority and what makes us a great country is that we respect minorities we don't think they're lesser just because they're lesser in numbers

that's not what we started to teach which was that every baby is I don't know let's not even put it on the birth certificate that's what they wanted were we teaching that yes we were teaching Teaching it, it was a law here in California. See, it teach what? Don't put sex on the birth certificate. We'll see. Now, we've passed that period now.

I'm sorry, I don't remember that. I mean... I know, because it doesn't get in the blue sky bubble. Wait, but I'm not just a blue sky. I really think that's a lot of it, is that some of this stuff doesn't get in to everybody's media. I'm just, I'm of a mind, because I remember, the African-American community was always saying

there's brutality from the cops. Everyone said, oh, that's ridiculous. Stop it, this is all myth. And then cops started wearing body cameras, and lo and behold, there's all this footage of violence towards black people. There was also a lot of footage of violence that they did on white people,

but that didn't make it into videos. You see, nobody cared about that. Not that it excuses the other. I'm just saying whenever a minority expresses fear and trepidation and like, hey, please help us this is going on. I tend now to believe them. I tend

not to believe the minority. I always believe whenever they say, hey, this is going on and this is really terrifying. Now, if you're saying the left went too far with gender, maybe that was a function of, okay, these people are scared, they're being targeted and they're being, we're watching them be targeted right now.

We're watching transgender people be targeted in a very aggressive way. We are? Oh, my God. Where are they being targeted? I mean, like, everybody is being targeted to a degree. I feel like... But not scapegoated the way the transgender people are.

Scapegoated for what? Who's scapegoating them? Every school, every shooting is a transgender person. Not every... The ones that are... But that's how they frame it, though. And that's how they're... You talked about my blue sky bubble,

but the Newsmax, O-on, Foxx. bubble is that's what it's feeding those people. Sweetheart, my editorial last week was tearing me, he called me, was tearing Fox News a new asshole. Good. Because they reported on this. I'm not saying you're doing this. I'm just saying, in general. I'm just saying it pissed me off so much that I did a whole thing on it where, you know, I had done an editorial a couple of weeks earlier, which was about, let's have a grand bargain where the woke stops with their far left bullshit on the woke stuff. And the right wing stops being authoritarian and trying to just change the nature of this country.

And they only reported the first half. You know, they only reported the part where I was tearing the left a new asshole. And I said, you fucking liars, stop doing this. You do this every week. Because they want you on their side. They want any celebrity on their side. They want to please their readers and listeners.

But they also want to say, Bill's on our side. Correct. He gets it. Correct. Right. But the left wing does it to me too, because they want people to think I'm a conservative. So they'll only report the part that I say about criticizing the left, which is just as gross.

It's all gross. Anytime you're lying, you're gross to me. You're an asshole and I hate you. Just be honest. And whatever it is, we can talk. But once you start lying, I'm over you. I'm completely over you. So, you know, sincere disagreements, yes.

Yeah. Anyway, we're going to disagree on this, but that's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's what friends do. But also, it just feels like, have you, I mean, obviously you've heard the term extinction burst. Extinction burst. Where before a thing dies, like, let's say the dinosaurs, that's when they become the loudest and the most violent and crazy.

And it's like right before the civil rights act passed, that's when the hoses and the dogs and the billy clubs came out because they knew the change was coming. Just like you said earlier, an audience can be this weird organism. that the dominant people can kind of sense and they guide a thing when an extinction burst comes that side in this case the old very very conservative

very kind of anti-gay anti-work side knows that its time is becoming limited so they do their biggest, loudest most violent you know thing and I feel like that's what we're seeing right now there is definitely a lot of that for sure

there is definitely a lot of oh this country is becoming something we don't recognize anymore. And some of that is valid. I mean, what's going on in England right now is a lot of that. What's going on in England? Again, not in the bubble.

Doesn't get in the bubble. Don't, wait, but it just tell me. It's a big, I don't even want to start with it, but it's like just a lot of violence, protests, immigration, cities that Andrew Solomon, for example, says, are places that my grandfather would not even recognize anymore as British.

Like, immigration is great. Anything can be too much. And, like, it's become Islamized, to put it briefly. Anything can be too much, but a lot of times the way that things are framed and represented is also amplified so that they can make their point. But, like, do you know about the, what do they call it, when they get kids to, like, you know, grooming,

the grooming scandal? No. See, that's a big story. This is in the UK. Yes, that went on from, like, the 80s to the present, and it wasn't a... You're talking about the royal family? No, I'm not.

I'm talking about Pakistani men who are immigrants, who were grooming poor, impoverished white girls, mostly in these things and making them into prostitutes and sex slaves and, like, really nasty shit that would pass for more normal in a traditional Pakistani society where women are not considered equal citizens. And if you don't understand that, and that gender apartheid is the number one issue

that you woke people should be concerned with but seem not to be. then right away, we're not really seeing the world as the same way. And I think I'm seeing it much more clearly. Gender apartheid should be your number one issue. If you really care about oppression, like a lot, I'm talking about hundreds of millions of the world's women. And it's mostly because of the tenets of Islam,

to be perfectly honest about it. And this is what's going on in England. And this is why England is having a big problem these days. because in the interest of DEI, they are allowing practices that are so illiberal, which is the great irony. This is the least liberal thing you could be is treating women as a second-class citizen

and getting away with shit like this. Yeah, I'm not someone that wants to slam a steel door down on stuff that I don't know about or agree with. We have each other's emails. I'll send me stuff to read. And I'll listen to B.J. Harvey. Well, you, and we'll be totally even. You're really, you should read up about UK.

No, no, but what I'm saying is a lot of the legitimate things that you're probably talking about right now are also being weaponized and amplified to use against people in this country that shouldn't be being attacked right now or vilified or made to feel unsafe. But it concerns me that this didn't get on your radar. Because if, like, something can't get on your radar, somebody who is as perceptive, intelligent, understanding of what a broad perspective of history. But when you save my radar, like, what am I not reading or seeing that, like, where is this being reported?

I'll tell you. Yeah, let me know. I read the Guardian. I read the, you know, I... Far left. Yeah. Well, okay, far left, but it's still, they have standards. But they don't.

They don't. But if you're telling me to read the sun, I'm not going to read the sun about this. The free press. There's a place. It plays it both ways. Okay. But I want to go back to something more important. You say the dinosaurs when apes shit at the end?

I mean, I want to know exactly what that looked like. You say the dinosaurs because they knew the end was coming. Yeah. Like, what are we talking about? Well, they started, their podcast went crazy. No, it was that, you know, when the, after whatever the media hit down in, it was at New Mexico or Arizona, and the. climate started changing suddenly these weird little furry mutant mammal things that were hiding in the

bushes while the lizards roamed the um you know savannah or whatever the humid thing was um they did you know the i'm sure the last triceratops or um uh teorex i don't i don't know what different epochs they were in i know there was the Jurassic and the cetacean and stuff like that but i'm sure the last one and then went down in the tar pit, made the loudest noise. And then the quiet little mammals came in, and then we, that was us. That was us hiding in the bushes, waiting for these terrifying lizards to go away, and then we took over. We weren't around. There was no, us.

No, no, our ancestors were. Those little furry, stinky mammals in the bush, that was our ancestors. Stinky mammals, not people. No, no, no, no, not people, but it's all part of a continuum. Because you're talking about 250 million years ago. Yes. And when did humans? make their emergence like a hundred thousand years ago I mean very real homo sapiens are very

recent right you know yeah and the and the athropocene is even more recently where we actually get to affect the planet is even more recent I mean Lucy remember when they found Lucy the fossil Lucy was 2.5 million years ago so again that's a long way from the dinosaurs right but Lucy was they found her but in the 80s but four foot two woman A hobbit. But she was a humanoid, like walked up right. Yeah.

But short and to the point. Short and to the point. I'm just saying that we are seeing, when you say humanoid, we are seeing blank, I don't know what the term is, Oid version of where humanity and culture is going to evolve to in the next hundred years. And the people that can't let go of that, and it gets back to my thing about John Wayne and the searchers, there needs to be a generation that is maybe Gen X

will be able to do that to walk the fuck away and go, I did my part, and to get the fuck out of the way. I got to see the searchers. You've never seen the searchers. No, and I feel bad about it. Well, no, I'm, no, no, no, is it John Ford? John Ford, John Wayne, and I'm really jealous you've never seen the searchers.

Because I have the experience, and you don't. You're going to get, I've seen that movie. I'm actually really pissed You're going to get to see the searchers Right I'll have you over I have a little screening room in my house I want to watch the searches with you

I want to see how you react to it Oh God This is how it starts No it's not gonna Okay Meredith I see where this is going No you're in love with your wife I saw you want together

Oh my gosh Yeah we were Yeah we had that dinner And you were like She was awesome Uxurious Do you know that word Uxurious

I don't know that word. Wow. What's luxurious? It's luxurious without the L and it means excessively devoted to your wife. I can't take my eyes off of her. That's luxurious. She is, yeah. You should put that in a card to her. I'm gonna, I gotta say, I am, I treat you exuriously and always will. Wow. Yeah. And do you get rewarded for that, I hope? Um, hopefully this will be the thing that pushes me over the edge. Um, by the way, she, um, she, um, she, was one of the last people that saw or some wills before he died i watched the third man last night no shit he didn't direct it no i always thought he did but he's his company but he wrote um

he wrote um he wrote the whole cuckoo clock monologue which is one of the best monologues ever ever ever holy shit and the that ending sequence in the sewers which they've redone not redone but ripped off not only have they redone man there's there's other ones where they're in the sewers. Oh, they've reused... Now everybody wants to be in the sewer. They've reused that footage in movies. I just watched a terrible Lawn Cheney movie

called The Indestructible Man, and they use shots from the third man in the sewers as they're chasing him. They're just like, well, we need a couple of shots. We're not going to get on the sewers. Let's use... Carol Reid did it. I'm very curious. When you get into bed

with your luxurious wife and you decide at the end of the night, what are we going to watch, right? Because every couple has to do it. Yeah. What do you, now you just said you watched, what did you just watch? Oh, I didn't watch her. I didn't watch the indestructible man with my wife.

She's like, I'm not fucking watching this. How do you decide what to watch when you have these kind of cultivated taste that you do? We will. Like, I don't have this problem. Well, that's actually interesting. Because I'm not cultured like you. Either we will. Either we will watch something new.

We went and saw one battle after the other in VistaVision at the Vistivision. at the vista. Do you see that in a theater? No. Have you seen it? I have not seen it, but I am prepared to shit. You haven't seen. God. I'm prepared to shit on it. You get to... Everybody who I know, who I trust, who saw it, tells me it's too like stupid woke. But I'm reserving judgment. I have not seen it. That's not my opinion. The people who think it's stupid woke do not understand. Oh, my God. All right.

It's not my opinion. I haven't seen it. No, no, I know. I can't wait to see it. But I'm, again, I'm jealous. You. You'll get to see this movie. That's almost the exact opposite of the truth. I totally can wait to see it. That's why I don't go to see movies in the theaters. Because they all come to my bed. Go to the fucking vista and see it with a fucking audience.

If I was, oh, an audience, I don't want an audience. There's a moment at the end of the searches. You know what? I'll bring an audience into my bedroom. How about that? There's a moment. 10 people, a focus group. And it's like, you stay over there, you stay over there.

There's a moment at the end of the searchers. I saw it one year at the new Beverly. This is back in the 90s, like the fifth time I saw it. And there's a very specific moment in that movie when it happens. And the couple that the young 20-something couple behind me gasped. And they were like, you know, they clearly had that energy about them of like, someone said this movie is important. I should go see it.

And they were watching it. And then they're enthralled with it. And then when the thing happens, they were like, oh, fuck. Like, it's amazing. It did blow their mind. It actually blew the mind. And it will blow your mind, too, only because. most of the movies you love

from the early 70s are just remakes of the searchers. Close encounters, taxi driver, hardcore, Star Wars are just remakes of the searchers. That's such a broad buffet. Isn't that insane? But when you watch a movie, you're like,

this, oh my God, they just kept remakes raking the searchers. I don't want to spoil it for myself and the audience to ask what this connecting tissue is that makes the searchers also relevant to those four other movies? Because they're so different those movies. Someone is there. Someone is trying

to rescue someone who does not want to be rescued. Okay. And the rescuer is more about, doesn't realize at the very end, oh, I'm trying to rescue, it's something that's missing in me. Okay. Did you see 50 first dates? Oh, like. What? Because I feel like that's very

much the same thing. I need to go put my head in a toilet. Wait, I'm sorry. No, that, wait, I'm just fucking with you with that one. By the way, that's a ridiculously charming movie. The scene where, oh, my God, why am I blanking, when Nick Swartzon dives off the waterfall, charming as hell. Well, Drew Barrymore cannot help but be charming.

Yeah, she is, like, offensively charming to the point where I think some of her movies were hurt by how charming she was. like she was trying to do some more kind of darker stuff and it's like, but you're true Barry Moore. Like you're just she just radiates sunshine. It's ridiculous. I know.

I mean, I had her here recently and we sat on that bench there and did the show and it went for three and a half hours. And I thought oh, we've been here for like an hour and out. That's right. Because she's so chill and cool. Yeah, and because she used to live here. That's right. She used to own this room. Wow.

So hang on. Is that, wait a minute, is that why we're getting along? Is that why our beef went because she left her essence in this room? And we were able to get by all of our... No, it's because we're old. It's because we're old, we don't give a shit. We're old and we're wiser. We're wiser and also, you fight about shit.

I remember exactly what our beef was, by the way. Who gives us shit? Yeah, it doesn't matter. You know, it's like whatever it was, it was probably similar to the little argument we just had. Yes. that but now we're not dumb fucking 12 year old twats yeah so we said we're not going to agree on this right we're not going to solve that shit and so what do we enter do like basically as i always say to my woke friends we voted for the same person you're just why she lost good night what was jrne i'm

I wish Judy Tanuda like. Is Judy's still with us? No, she's not. No, she's... By the way, I just went on the road. I had never done Wyoming or Montana. Those are the only two states I'd never done. I'm like, I want to do these states.

You remember when I tried so hard to get you to go to Hawaii with me? My schedule fucked me. It wasn't you. It was my schedule fucked me. Sweetheart, I'm not busting your balls on it. I'm just saying that... Told me, sweetheart.

I'm just telling you that, you know, it's been a while since I wanted to get to know you because that was like the ultimate get-to-know-you trip. That would have been great. It was perfect. And then, by the way, talk about getting a kick in the nuts afterwards. The show that I couldn't do didn't like Eddie Vedder and Willie Nelson show up to it. It was like this. They shut up every year.

Every stone or like, every year. Because Eddie went on vacation there. Every year, he opened the show for me. And at the end, we would sing small. The Charlie Chaplin song, and he would- Oh, smile, don't you love it's dying. Smile, even though you're... Oh, my God.

Yeah. Don't think I didn't get a ton of shit from Meredith about, we had a chance to smoke weed with Willie Nelson. What the fuck is wrong with you? So, yeah. Yeah. But anyway, I went to Wyoming, Wyoming, Montana with Emo Phillips.

Mm. Have you seen Emo Phillips recently? Can I tell you my brief emo story? Yeah. I did a show in London, and it was like a show that would bring you over there. It was 1992. The Underground? Whatever it was, they paid for the air ticket.

Let's go. My girlfriend at the time and I were like, let's make a English vacation. We had an awesome English vacation. And that started there because they paid for the ticket. And Emo was on the show. And I remember I went to the rehearsal. And I walked in, like, I was scheduled to go next. And they said, he's on stage.

And it's just sound check. And they said, okay, just. tell us what your closing line is they wanted to know so they could go and Emo said and that's my solution to the Jewish question and I thought

I thought what you thought about when you said at the beginning of the show like oh maybe that is funnier than me you know maybe maybe I wouldn't have had the guts to say that I was always a fan of his, but I did not realize how fucking good his joke writing was. Oh, so good. It's like on this...

Was he kind of Stephen Wright before Stephen Wright? Oh, absolutely. He was Mitch Heard before Mitch Hebburg. He was Stephen Wright before Stephen Wright. And he was this weird. He hides real darkness inside this whimsical little human marionette. And it takes... And there's nothing more fun than sitting backstage and watching the audience catch up with how dark the joke was.

that they just heard because it's from the most sweet like that one like well he went on stage and goes i've never understood i've got to do it in his voice i've never understood non-alcoholic beer that's like giving a child molester a midget in a boy scout uniform oh god well just boom boom boom Is he still with us? Yes, he just, I... Let's get him here. You should have him. I mean...

I totally am going to. I'll give him. You know, you know him? Oh, yeah. Oh, can you? He, we exchange books all the time. He's a big bibliophile, but he's... Is he still go and do shows?

Oh, yeah. But his writing, I know you just had Woody Allen on the show, but can I tell you his Woody Allen joke? Yeah, all right. Please. Woody Allen met Sunyi. when she was nine years old, waited till she was 18 to sleep with her.

Patience of a saint. Oh, yeah. Oh, I gotta get this guy here. There's not a single ounce of fat on any joke he writes. It really is like, when did we see him more? Because times changed? Well, times changed.

And also he was just like, I'm an amazing joke writer why do I now have to learn TikTok and I mean he's learning it I'm that guy too yeah fortunately I don't need to

well yeah but he but he I mean he's still like again he's beloved his fans know how amazing he is they know like right the people that come to see him know that he's writing he's writing the bag he reminds me of he reminds me of I don't know if you've seen the movie Pig with Nicholas Cage

no oh dude I got to, all right, I need to have you over. We need to fucking educate you. Oh, here we go. But he's this, like, he's this guy that the people that know, no, he's this chef that cooks food that will literally, like, change your life. Who? The character in the movie pig. Oh, the character.

They make a lot of movies about chefs. Well, this one is amazing. I know, but I feel like this is an overdone, right? Well, Bradley Cooper did one. Seth Rogan But think about actors It's about obsessives And that's a really interesting thing

To get to play Someone who's truly obsessed See, I'm not a foodie I think we talked about this I'm a big food Yeah, I'm a big foodie, you're not I think we talked about this on the nutrition night And you've also said like you have a weird diet

Like you'll have like carrots for lunch You're very weird about I did not say that I do not have carrots for lunch But you said you have a weird diet I didn't read anything you say it weird diet But you're making a big leap to carrots for lunch I'm not having carrots for lunch.

Sorry, for breakfast. No, not breakfast. I do have a weird diet that no one would understand. Some people would understand it. Anyway, it doesn't matter. I mean, whatever makes you happy. But I can't even remember, like, what did, what was I, what was my big nutritional thing that you picked up on that was good? You said something about even healthy processed foods.

Like when you see these, even the ones that say like it's gluten-free, it's keto, it's paleo, yeah, yeah. There's anything, basically said anything where you open a bag, it's not good. Don't even bother. Yeah, they just don't bother. Well, in general. It was such an easy metric. Right.

Do you want something that comes out of a can? You can actually buy it fresh. It's like people that go, do you want something on Amazon? That product probably is on another website or its own website. You can go buy it there and not. You know what I mean? like yeah i mean there's certain very basic principles about what is actually healthy for you and of course a lot of it is about freshness and a lot about it was what did get on the food when they

were growing it yes what was growing in the food and then what had to be put on the food when it was canned and then transported but even the soil is unhealthy now even the soil doesn't well it doesn't it doesn't have it doesn't have the nutrients you need i mean i i take sulfur like I'm sorry you take sulfur yeah what are you a demon what do you fucking eating sulfur for I am Lucifer I just sorry I'm sorry the vision of you up in the Hollywood Hills it's time for my sulfur sofer boy what the fuck you're eating sulfur I know yeah and I and I drink this jing stuff in my and like and Whitney. Did you put that in your booze? Yeah, Whitney coming went off on this, like,

oh my God, don't take any advice from Whitney coming, though. No, but she just was mocking this is like, you know, this rich person's tincture that you drink. And it's like, you know, I mean, I don't think, what people use the word health nut. Like, I don't think I'm the nutty one that wants to somehow make the things that I put into my body, healthier, purer. I don't mean to laugh as a comic book nerd Gingold is what the elongated man puts in his

drink to give him his stretching powers and that's what you're fucking Hey Whatever works By the way That's a Woody Allen movie Whatever works Um

Great one by the way Whatever works Is that the one with Larry David Lerdina Ritchie? No. No, no, no. That's Larry David.

I just said that. Larry David plays is the surrogate Woody, which is a perfect surrogate Woody, two people who are very unhappy just being alive and just like aren't happy unless they're unhappy. And, of course, then our carriers. Carriers. That's a great way to put it. But, yeah, but it's a really good movie. And of course, so much of art always depends on the original conceit.

Is it true and is it real? Is it something we haven't really thought that much about? Whatever works is a great conceit. Like so many people, I think, do the opposite and have diverted interests in what would make a relationship work. And really just get simple, whatever works. Whatever works for you. Whatever works for you. We're all such individuals.

It's so idiosyncratic. What works for you, you got this thing where you're exurious. I got this thing where I'm luxurious. And luxurious. But what's weird is right now it feels like a lot of the, I'm not even saying this on a political sense, almost in a corporate sense, the people that are in power aren't comfortable with people going,

I'm happy with this. They want people to be happy with a very narrow, set of choices because they can make money off those narrow choices. If someone's like, I don't actually need, I'm good with this over here. You don't have the latest iPhone. You don't have the latest, like, you know, I don't really need that. I'm actually kind of fine. I certainly don't.

Yeah. I mean, people mock me when they see my phone. They think it's like this. And I'm like, sweetheart, I used to use a typewriter. Yeah. So, you know, you can't, like, shame me from my phone. That's what I'm trying to go back to, by the way. I'm doing this, this is, I'm doing this thing where don't look at my phone before 9 a.m.

Don't look at my phone after 9 p.m. And is there a way to get a phone that is like a, I guess you'd call it a jitterbug, the old person's phone where I'm not constantly tempted by hopping online and looking at shit. Because there are days I don't look at my phone. I don't, how do you do that? I, because I was raised at a different time. Yeah, so you still have that. It's not native to me. So all of it is a little like doing things left-handed.

Anything with technology, you're probably, like most people, a little more up-to-date on that things, and your brain works better that way. I mean, I would bet your IQ is higher than mine. Doesn't mean you have more common sense. But your IQ is... But I keep tying bags of concrete to my IQ, to the ankles of my IQ with this fucking phone.

I get that, too. I don't have to do that. Because I'm lucky. I'm not that cultivated. I'm not that cultured. I'm not that smart. But there's I'm happier. But then there's IQ, but then there's smart choices and happiness,

which is, I think, worth more than IQ in the long run. I do, too. I feel like there's a happy medium. You know, the Greeks used to have a phrase, the golden mean. And the golden mean was that mean, like something in the middle, between two extremes. For example, courage was the golden mean between cowardice and just being stupid about it.

You could just be stupid about it. There's 12 guys. Yeah. And you just run in all of them. It's courageous, but it's stupid. So dumb. It's not where the golden mean. True courage has to have some fear in it.

Like, oh, no, I know this could be terrifying. I'm going to do it anyway. And smart. Yeah. You know, let's flank them. Is there a way that we don't die doing this? Yeah, that's true courage. Larry Miller used to have this great bit about Masada.

Remember Masada? Yes. It was a true, true story. I mean, when the Romans surrounded the Jews who were holding out in one of the wars. Yes, and they were at this, you can still visit it. It's a, it's a fortress on top of a small mountain with a flat top mountain, and they built this castle there and of course they were outnumbered and they knew it was going to end and so they decided like a thousand people uh well let's just kill ourselves and not let the romans

get us because they'll torture us and it'll look bad in the press and larry's bit was when they said okay let's do this let's all kill ourselves one guy must have went um bill you had another right we built a wall that just killed me Larry Miller. You had another idea. Larry Miller's bit about, what is it, the five levels of drunkenness. Oh. It's like the perfect...

Larry Miller. It's like the perfect comedic bit. Oh, and this... When we were young comics, and when I first got to Coucher Rising Star, Larry Miller was doing a ski story about skiing that went on for 20 minutes. Like one... And you're captivated. I certainly was because I was just trying to get one laugh.

You know, this was like at the beginning, and I just saw this guy doing a elongated, you know, bit. Like peppered with laughs. Peppered with laughs. Nonstop. Yeah. It's like when you would see when Gary Goldman went on Conan and he did that whole. Who? His Gary Goldman?

You know so many people I don't know. Gary Goldman. Jesus Christ. He went on Conan and he did his stand-up set was just about how do they get the abbreviations. for states and that was his whole fucking set well that explains right on who gary galman well what i'm saying is who are you performing for right now you're like i guess that's why i'm not but like there's your own little audience there waiting for you to you're you're you're that is so fucking ballsy because that's the only thing he's going to talk

he killed by the way it killed but it's like this doesn't work you this is all you have to do. He tried it out probably in the clubs. But it was still, but in the clubs, but you know what it's like when you, sometimes you go on on those TV sets and... It's easier. It's harder. Well, it was when I did it. To commit to just that, though.

I mean, the Tonight Show audience, compared to the clubs I was working in, was cake. Well, yeah, but you got to go on with Carson. First of all, it's not 1.30 in the morning. Yeah. Which I went on many times. Okay, in front of three people.

Okay. It's not 1.30 in the morning. It's not after they've seen eight other fucking comics. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's 4.30 in the afternoon of 5.30 in Burbank. In Burbank. With people who are so excited to be there. Yeah.

And then Johnny Carson saying, comedy is the harness commodity to find, which was bullshit. You couldn't swing a dead cat without hitting a comic in 1982 when I went on that show. But he wanted to give them the best. Exactly. I'm just saying it's set it up. and you're doing your best six minutes you ever came up with.

Yeah. It was cake. If you couldn't do that, you didn't belong in show business. If you couldn't ace the first Tonight Show, you suck. But this wasn't Gary's first Conan. This was his fourth or fifth because he says such an amazing comedian. Conan is not Carson. No, Conan's not Carson, but I think Conan in a weird way is what,

it's why Carson loved Letterman so much. Carson was Carson, and Letterman was a guy that came along and said, and I want to take this to this next level. And Conan was a guy was like, I love you, Letterman, and I want to take you to this next level. It was a continuation. And if you're a comedian, I want to be on the bleeding edge of what is good comedy. And it really says something that my teenage daughter and her friends are obsessed with Conan O'Brien. Not now, all his classic stuff from the 90s, because he was doing brilliant comedy.

He still is. And I want to be. No, he's a genius comic mind. Brighan genius. I mean, even hosting the Oscars, he did it. He did it the right way. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He did it really funny.

And, no, I, look, I have a tape, probably something even you haven't seen that I should, if you're in touch with Conan, have him send it to you. Okay. It's called Look Well. I've seen Look Well. Oh, fuck. Are you kidding? Robert Smigel and Conan O'Brien. God, why?

Right in the dick. Right in the dick. I'm going to fucking kill you with this thing. You know. Adam West. Come on, man. That's the greatest. None picked up pilot in showbiz besides the bakery.

I would like 10 other people in the world to know look well. Really? All my friends know look well. All the comedians do. It's the, it's the, it is frigging brilliant. All right. And now when you, when you, when you rewatch it, it's like, this is actually kind of realistic. goofy as they tried to make it, I could see...

It was a parody of the detective shows of the 70s and 80s, like Manix. But it was a guy who played one of those guys who is now teaching an... Adam West, Batman, who was a TV detective. Yes, although a ridiculous TV detective. Right, but just like they were all in those days. And now it's later, it's like the 90s, and now... He's teaching an actor. class. He's in

glass and wants to actually help out solving crimes. And the police? I love how in the pilot, even the police, like, oh, God, here comes look well. And he's so not helpful. It's that, oh, my God, that thing is so great. Look

well. It's one of the best. It's so amazing. You remember when he says to his secretary, like, can you get me that that certain hair dot? And she's like, oh, no, they don't make that number anymore. So brutal.

Yeah, there's those lines. I mean, he, oh, God. Cotton is, it's an amazing comic mind. Truly comic. But you want to be on, I remember this great thing. There was, remember that, there was that book about the first book of, like, photographs of comedians. It was almost like an Annie Leibowitz thing, and it was like, um, It came out in the 80s, but there was a picture of Carson and Letterman together, because Carson loved Letterman.

And there was this great line about, if you went on Carson and did well, you could be famous. Yeah. But if you went on Letterman and didn't do well, you would never be cool. And those were the differences. And not that either one is more important than the other, but there is that, like, difference. You know what I mean? Oh, I vividly remember when Letterman came on the scene. and it was, you know, the passing of the guard, you know.

Oh, man. I mean, Johnny, who was the greatest for his era, was not any, it's like your thing with the searchers, you know, your time has passed. I mean, he was. But he was of that generation. He wasn't the boomers. He was generation before there. It's like, time to walk away.

And when he walked away, he walked away. You never saw him again. Never saw him again. And that's what. increased his legend and people don't realize you can do that with your that can be part of your arc but everyone is so addicted to i got to get the clicks the likes the hits and it was also because he had emphysema well yeah he could barely talk at the end yeah that also didn't help so let's not yield the lowest and i was his biggest fan you know i never missed the tonight

show from the age of like 12 to 24 you know whether i was home in high school in college like it was You know what bummed me out about his last year at the Tonight Show is because that last year when he announced he was going to retire. Floyd R. Turbo. Mm-hmm. Floyd R-Turbo? No. What pissed me off was...

That was not good. The thing that was amazing about Carson was the nights when it didn't go well. He was the king of making it something horrible. And so those nights when his monologue would eat it and he would do that desperation tap hands. And every comedian watching was like that I've had, I was at the casking, Cleber and Lodi last week, that was me. But at the end, he never, because that was all standing ovation.

It's like, I want the, no, the thing that's great about him is the night is the Wednesday night when he's got three shit guests and a terrible monologue and he's still going to make an entertaining. Yeah, I mean, when the real Carson came out and the real Carson was kind of mean. Oh, boy. You say it like he fucked you in the ass. No, no, no, boy. You could see the meanness sometimes. Rarely, but when it came out, I mean, and that's who he was.

I mean, I read Bushkin's memoir about it, and it reads so true. And apparently a way worse drinking problem in Ed. He lived life to the fullest, and then was like, you know, and smoked. You know, he was just like, I'm going to go out strong. I'm going to do what I want to do. I was in World War II. I'm going to smoke. Okay, and that was, he was a badass.

I mean, beneath the genteel Midwestern guy who was super gracious, I mean, if anything, he was gracious and what was one reason why he was so successful. And also really had comedians' backs. Oh, always. Totally had mine. Yeah. It was once when they wanted to fucking cut my head off and he saved my ass. Really?

Yeah, I made Reagan jokes that they didn't like. And his producer, Fred de Cordova, was. the director of Bonzo, Bonzo, you know, Bedtime for Bonzo. He directed that? Yeah, Fred de Korn of it, directed bedtime for Bonzo. So he thought he was Reagan's best friend. So I just did jokes that were not cool to them. And Johnny saved my ass.

Nobody else could have. So yes, he did have, he loved comedians. That's true. Yeah, yeah. Really had their backs. But he also, you're right, he was from that generation where he used to have that bit One of my favorite bits was the whole thing about Mr. Salty Pretzels. Oh, yeah.

Everything right now is, like, no salt. You're like, fuck you, Mr. Salty Breakfast. And we're from the makers of Mr. Tar and Nicotine, sick. Like, there was that generation that was just like, nothing can kill us. Yeah. Yeah, it was just, fuck you. Fuck you. Johnny would play tennis and he, you know, smoke between.

Oh, God, yeah. You can barely breathe. Yeah. Smoke between games. I love it at the end of David Lynch's life because smoking killed him. Emphysema is what killed him. And he's like, but the way he said it was like, yeah, it has curtailed my life. But I got so much pleasure from smoking.

Just like he owned it, like I loved it. I mean, my parents smoked. Somehow I avoided it all the way through until I was 20 and in college and stupidly took up the habit from 20 to 40. Yeah. But I can't deny that maybe one reason I did was that people did look cool smoking in movies. And Johnny... The people that knew how to do it.

Johnny, my hero, sometimes you'd catch him as they came back from me. He would do that. He would hide his fucking cigarette. You'd just see the smoke come out. You'd go like, I want to be that guy. I don't know why. I just want to be that guy.

And maybe that had something to do with what... So the people who are like, oh, you know, you can't go after violence. and stuff that people see in movies. Yes, you can. It's not the whole story, but it's definitely part of the story. When you make something look cool like guns or smoking, impressionable minds when they're young especially

are going to like want to emulate it. I saw that firsthand when I went to a movie theater bill. I went to see Friday the 13th, the Dream Warriors with a young Patricia Arquette. And there was a kid behind me. Is your date? No, not. She was not my date. Oh, in the movie.

If Patricia Arquette was my date in high school, I wouldn't be here right now. Oh, sorry, please. In the movie? No, in the movie. She's in the movie. And it was a kid behind us. Me and my date were sitting there. And I was like, fucking cut that bitch.

Kill that fucking bitch. And he had his, you know, he had his, like, you know, leather face t-shirt on and was, like, cheering it on. And we were like, the fuck is wrong with you. And then the lights came up and he just kind of, once the lights were when, he, like, scuttled out. And then I was like, jeez. Jesus Christ, and then, like, a month later, there's a movie called Henry Portrait of a Serial Killer with Michael Rooker.

It's like his first movie, again. First. What was it at last? Michael Rooker has been in everything. He's in... Michael Rucker? Michael Rooker. You know all these things I don't know.

Michael Rooker is a... Sorry, he's a character actor God. Anyway. Oh, a character actor. But he's in everything. He's in The Walking Dead. He plays... Never saw that.

Oh, my, Bill! Why should I watch that? Tell me I'm willing to be educated. have this is this is the fucking movie clueless and i am share right now and you are the fucking girl that i've got a remake i may be i might be but but i'm going to get fetched started but henry different movie henry fortune of a serial killer came out and everyone was like this is the most intense slasher movie so all of the friday the 13th all of the chucky all of the michael mire's fans went to see it henry portrait of a serial killer is what violence actually

looks like, and it was when, and I went and saw it and when the movie was over, like, a third of the audience had left. What year are we talking about? Eighty-nine. What is it called? Henry Portrait of a Serial Killer. And he's a real serial killer. Is it a real story? It's loosely

based on Henry Lucas. Oh, of course. Yeah. Henry Lucas, he was a serial killer? Henry Lee Lucas, who at the time, everyone thought was the most prolific serial killer, and then it turned out cops were bringing him cold cases, and he would just confess to them so they could close all their cases. Wow.

It's fucking darker. It's one of the worst things. It's so awful. But they made this movie and Michael Rooker's in it and he's incredible. And it's so goddamn scary. But like you said, it wasn't making murder look cool. There wasn't a cool quip. There wasn't a cool angle.

It was the way people actually die and like fight for their lives. And half of this audience that clearly was the people that were like, uh freddie kruger's so funny they were gone they were fucking gone when that thing was over you do know that serial killing though is over because of technology well they they they've they there hasn't been a recent serial killer because the technology got good enough in in police work it's what my first wife was running about right that's true that's real DNA and as she said it in her intro or in her in her in her afterward of the book you used to be the only guy looking for the window and a million windows are opening around you and you could never imagine this many windows

around you that's what she said and yeah you're right that that's gone although what a shame it's i know i mean look damn i know i'm sorry i brought that up i know that bums you out i know i know and now we can't even be a serial killer let's just have fun let's have a fun let's have fun here dude i don't want to bum you out you want to hear something really weird one of the one of the one of the homicide cops that Michelle used to talk to said the tragedy is in the 70s when I had on my desk at home 20 folders of missing kids murdered kids unsolved cases and I would look across the street at this middle school and there was a bike rack full of bikes kids would ride their bikes to school and I wanted to go like what the fuck are you people doing like I have this many now it's the early

aughts there's those files are gone. We catch those people now. And I look across the street and that bike rack is empty. And like we've made the kind of world where your kids can now ride their bikes around. And now because of all the murder documentaries, all the murder movies, you're so terrified. They don't get to have the childhood that the kids in the 70s had but shouldn't have had because we didn't have the technology. You think they shouldn't have had a free range childhood? No, they should have had a free range childhood, but it was a dangerous free range childhood.

And now they took that danger away, and everyone's so scared now, they don't let their kids have that childhood. I think it's worth the, I know it's going to sound harsh, but it's, nothing is free in life. It is worth the risk that the majority, the vast majority of kids are able to grow up as kids. The fact that a kid cannot walk down the street alone now, two blocks to the market to get something that the parents is, it's just, yeah. I mean, yes, is there a chance that someone's going to snatch a child who's alone? Always. There always is. And you know what?

I just think, you know, you got to play the numbers. And you don't want the entire population growing up as as hothouse plants. Or crate raised veal where they don't get to, they don't get the bumps and bangs of life where you're... You had a free-range childhood? Oh, my, I had not only did I have a free-range childhood. I had the kind of childhood where you were a shitty parent if you had your kids inside watching TV. It was go outside, when it gets dark, come back. Right.

And I was riding bikes into thorn bushes and I could not have had more contusions and it was nonstop. Yeah. Yeah. And we could have been a casualty and some were. And some were. And we just have to always ask, what is the maximum good? What? No, no.

Isn't that a basic principle? But you are asking a very dark question. How many kids are we willing to sacrifice? Right. Well, how many lives? It becomes a full car movie. How many lives are we willing to sacrifice to have cars? Oh, yeah, that is true.

Because we are absolutely saying a certain number is okay because I like my car. Yeah. And I want a car to get to places where a car goes where it would be shitty if I had to walk. So I am willing to spend 30,000 of my fellow citizens' lives to have a car, and that's okay, bitch. Send your letters to him because I don't mean to be facetious or didactic. By the way, there's a, I know you're not into comic books. No, I am not. there's again

comic books to me I'm not that cultural are like well they're like rap music where the people that aren't into comics are like yeah but these goddamn Marvel movies and the guy yeah that's all you're seeing

there's really amazing shit happening in comics and there's a great series by a guy called literally watch Bill disengage where do you get the time to engage with all these different art forms I love reading I love watching movies but there's a great comic by a guy

Like Elliot Kalin, used to be a headwriter at The Daily Show. It's called Maniac of New York. And the premise of the thing is, in the early 80s, a masked maniac like adjacent type, showed up at Times Square in New Year's Eve, killed 12 people. The cop shot him 18 times. He fell off the pier dead. And then every couple of years, he shows up, kills a couple of people in New York. They call him Maniac Harry.

And this is now, now it's the year 2025. It's been going on since 1985. and New York just adjusted to it. They're like, well, I got to live in New York. I'm not going to not live in New York. This is why my career is kills a couple of people every year. There's this unkillable maniac. There's reports on the news.

We just spotted maniac Harry in Chelsea. Don't go in Chelsea tonight. And everyone adjusted and everyone is living with it now. I could see it. Exactly. It's school shootings. It's vehicular or homicides. We're not going to.

change anything. Mondami would give him a rent-controlled apartment. Good night, everybody. Oh, for the love of God. No, no. Mondami all the way. God damn it, yes.

It was so good to see you. Yeah, great thing, buddy. Before we... We tried. I just saw another little fight coming, and it was like, why not? I love this guy. We tried. I love this guy so much.

Why have a fight about Mondami? Let's have another drink. Let's numb the hatred. I can't. I got to. I got a... It's been two hours. Oh, Jesus.

Listen. It has been two hours. That's how good friends we are now. Dude. It was such a pleasure. Buddy. I'm so glad this... Oh, Bill.

Sorry. No more for you, but... I hope we do it again. Anyone... Listen, anyone drops out. I'll just drive up. When I show up, I'll know that Timothy Shalamay's flight got delayed.

I'm impressed. Two hours were not needing to be. Wow, was I that fascinating? Well, I feel like at our age. Oh, at our age, that's, come on. Get that on camera, that's a brag. That's sort of a victory. Yeah, that is a victory.

They call it a flex now. The kids, the kids, the kids, the way. Anyway, oh, my gallbladder. Okay, only 10 more presents to wrap. You're almost at the finish line. But first? There, the last one. Enjoy a Coca-Cola for a pause that refreshes.