Club Random with Bill Maher - Rob Riggle | Club Random with Bill Maher

Episode Date: March 30, 2026

On this episode of Club Random, Bill Maher sits down with Rob Riggle for a conversation that moves from war and courage to relationships, politics, and the darker side of power. Riggle reflects on joining the Marines at just 19, how the experience reshaped his confidence, and how he managed to find comedy even there—along with the real difference between physical and moral courage. From there, the conversation pivots into sharp, often funny debates on capitalism vs. communism, the realities of marriage and divorce, and why love still matters even when the odds are stacked against it—before veering, naturally, into golf, where Riggle (dating a pro) breaks down the rules of the game and proves that even in a sport built on honor, there’s always a little Riggle room. And somewhere in the middle of it all, they land on a blunt truth: the people with the most power aren’t always the smartest in the room—just the ones who figured out what they can get away with… which, depending on the week, is either comforting or deeply alarming. Support our Advertisers: -High blood pressure can’t wait. Get 20% off at https://www.120life.com and use code RANDOM -Try Claude for free at https://www.claude.ai/clubrandom Subscribe to the Club Random YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.youtube.com/c/clubrandompodcast?sub_confirmation=1⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Watch episodes ad-free – subscribe to Bill Maher’s Substack: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://billmaher.substack.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you listen: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://bit.ly/ClubRandom⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Buy Club Random Merch: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://clubrandom.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices ABOUT CLUB RANDOM Bill Maher rewrites the rules of podcasting the way he did in television in this series of one on one, hour long conversations with a wide variety of unexpected guests in the undisclosed location called Club Random. There’s a whole big world out there that isn’t about politics and Bill and his guests—from Bill Burr and Jerry Seinfeld to Jordan Peterson, Quentin Tarantino and Neil DeGrasse Tyson—talk about all of it.  For advertising opportunities please email: [e-mail] ABOUT BILL MAHER Bill Maher was the host of “Politically Incorrect” (Comedy Central, ABC) from 1993-2002, and for the last fourteen years on HBO’s “Real Time,” Maher’s combination of unflinching honesty and big laughs have garnered him 40 Emmy nominations. Maher won his first Emmy in 2014 as executive producer for the HBO series, “VICE.” In October of 2008, this same combination was on display in Maher’s uproarious and unprecedented swipe at organized religion, “Religulous.” Maher has written five bestsellers: “True Story,” “Does Anybody Have a Problem with That? Politically Incorrect’s Greatest Hits,” “When You Ride Alone, You Ride with Bin Laden,” “New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer,” and most recently, “The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody But Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass.” FOLLOW CLUB RANDOM https://www.clubrandom.com https://www.facebook.com/Club-Random-101776489118185 https://twitter.com/clubrandom_ https://www.instagram.com/clubrandompodcast https://www.tiktok.com/@clubrandompodcast FOLLOW BILL MAHER https://www.billmaher.com https://twitter.com/billmaher https://www.instagram.com/billmaher Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

While you were remodeling your backyard to make it more, you know, zen-e. We were remodeling our merch store to make it more random. We've slapped our new logo on T-shirts, tie-dies, hoodies, and hats, and all with premium printed labels. Look, I wasn't kidding. We have it because tags are like the junk mail of clothing. All merch is available exclusively at clubrandom.com. Once again, that's club random.com.

And then some guys not playing fast enough to whatever. To my point about not a sport. If you can get drunk while you're doing it. Freshman class. Why didn't they like you? I don't know if they didn't like me as much as what this. They got ready. Rob.

Hey. Sounded like Woody Woodpecker there. How are you? Good, man. Nice to meet you. I have a funny Woody Woodpecker. Is it right there? Where is it?

David Mantel. By the way, I love this. This made me laugh out of love. You know that's real, right? Yeah, that's why I love it so much. I know. And he just, I'm adding to the list as of two days ago, because, you know, he went off on truth about me over the weekend.

So there's a new one. Do you smell something? Like formaldehy. That was on me. That was on me. No, it wasn't like a fart. It was like a cleansing smell. But yeah, what did you call me?

There was 56 insults on there that Trump called me over the years. And I always marveled, like, how could somebody off the top of his head just come up with so many different, and now there's a new one. It's something like this jerk lightweight or something. So I'm very proud that I'm adding to my list, although I, he's quite a... He said our dinner was a waste of time, but it wasn't to me. I'm going to answer him at some point. Oh, my gosh, here's Rob's book, Rob Riddle Grit spit and never quit with you. Yeah, I mean, I should first say thank you for your service.

You're like a colonel, right? Yes, thank you. Appreciate it. Oh, no, I mean, I didn't do anything. I mean, I always have been of the opinion this just two categories, especially for, well, no. I mean, women fight now the forces too, but you either went to war or you didn't. Everything else is on a scale. That to me is the absolute dividing line.

There's nothing like war. There's bravery of different kinds. People have called me brave many times. In the realm I'm in that is way less. brave than actually running into a bullet. Well, yeah, there's, I agree. There's physical courage, there's moral courage, but you have a lot of moral courage. Yes, but that's not the same as war.

It just isn't. I'm saying that as someone who never been to war and probably would shit my pants and run away. I mean, I don't know. You've got natural fighter instincts. I don't think you'd run away. Yeah, I hope I wouldn't. No, you wouldn't.

But that's the other thing. You don't know, unless you have been. in there. You don't know what you would do. Yeah. I do think that I think a lot of, well, again, I don't want to generalize too much, but I think a lot of men, they always want to know what kind of metal they got. On some level, they want to know. I have that. Same thing. And I will never know. I mean, they don't take you at 70. I mean, they could knock. Try my legend, Joy. They could knock down every building in New York and they're not going to

get me, I mean, to join up the next day. But when did you join? How old were you? I was a sophomore in college. I was 19. 19. Yeah. And why?

You know, the simple answer was I did want to serve. That was something I did want to do. I wouldn't put it as a top priority, but I wanted to serve. I always thought that in the back of my mind, I had dreams of maybe being an FBI agent. And I called the FBI. This was back when you had to call it. call people. There was no internet. And I called the FBI, local office, and I said, what do you guys look for?

And he said, well, some nice special agent had some time to kill, I guess. And it was like, well, we like lawyers, we like accountants. And then he goes, oh, by the way, well, so we like Marine officers. We tend to hire a lot of those guys. So I said, oh, okay. I wasn't going to be a lawyer or accountant for sure. So I said, well, maybe I could do the Marine thing. The FBI is looking for accountants? Why? Because they're busting. White color crime. I'm sure it's a big part of what they do.

Right. A lot of divisions there. Right. So that was the general thing. That wasn't the way it was on the TV show, the FBI. Exactly. There's a lot more shoot-em-up action going on. Remember they put it in Once Upon a Time in Hollow?

It's so great that he's watching that episode. Yeah. That's what he was. That famous meme that, you know? Yeah. But, yeah, that was. That was a classic 60s show for sure. Wow, so it was a way to get into the FBI.

Well, I was also a theater and film major, right? And I went to the University of Kansas. And, you know, late 80s, I just didn't think, we didn't have the internet. The world wasn't as touchable as it is today. So I just didn't see a path to becoming an actor. Late 80s, I just didn't think. Yeah, I just didn't.

Period. Yeah, I just didn't. But I didn't think there was a path, So I never thought it was a real dream. I just thought it was a great dream, and I loved comedy, and I loved, you know, watching all the great comedians of the day, and I loved watching all the movies,

the comedic movies, and I could quote them chapter and verse, and I loved acting and all that, but it wasn't tangible, it wasn't real. So I was like, okay, okay, yeah. Of course I want to do that, but what do I got to get a job. That's what I got to do.

I got to get a job. And that was the mindset. It's a very Midwestern mindset. You never made it to the FBI. No. You stay, the military hooked you? It kept me in for long enough. I was always, what was interesting was as I went through the Marines,

I got more confidence. I got more confidence, I got more confidence. I got more confidence. Oh, I'll bet anybody who can make it through a marine training, isn't it? It's pretty tough, yeah. I'll bet it is. And so then when I... I'm just getting this from Richard Gear movies, but, I mean, it looks like a nightmare.

I mean, like they're so mean to you. The sergeants. What happened to a little empathy? No. Yeah, yeah, it's tough. But I got more confident. And then because I got confident and because they kind of showed me my new limits,

this is what I thought my limits were. Then they showed me my new limits. I said, you know what, maybe I could be an actor. Maybe I could be a comedian. But they're doing that to weed out. I mean, they purposely want to find the people who will quit. It's pressure points.

It's like how much pressure. And that, you know, if you're trying to create a warrior cast, that is the thing, that's the right thing to do. I mean, that's why our military has always been pretty kick-ass. I think, yes, you do tend to get good people for sure. They do have a... Strong. You get the fittest for the task of, you know...

And you have to be mentally, you have to be strong between the ears, too. Totally, mostly. That if somebody says, run toward that machine gun nest. It's unnerving. Unnerving, it's a polite way to say it. Pants shitting, yes. And people still, I mean, the reason why they want very, very young people in the military is because very young people are the most amenable too.

Well, they also don't, they haven't live long enough to be afraid of a lot. Right. And if you just tell them, do this, do that. I mean, you know, it's. I watch on a different, totally different level, but I'll watch poker players. The young poker players, they're gunslingers. They're slinging hash. They're throwing chips around.

The older ones, they maybe have a little more wisdom, but they also know everything they can go wrong. So they tend to not push the envelope as hard, so to speak. And who wins? Usually the young guys. Really? Oh, yeah. Because... Because they're reckless and dangerous.

And that helps in poker? They make bold moves. Yeah. Yeah, it does. But going back to, so when I went through Officer Candidate School, right, Officer Candid School is different than boot camp. It's the same program, generally speaking, as far as, you know, all the standards are the same, everything's, but they're trying to get rid of you.

Like, if you sign up for the Marines, they're going to make you a Marine, whether it kills you or kills them. You're going to become a Marine, right? They're going to send you through boot camp, and if you can't make it because you're overweight or you're not in the sheriff, they're going to send you back through. They're going to send you back there. They're going to send you back there. And say, you're going to bring, Officer Canada School is the opposite.

They're trying to get rid of you. It's a screening and evaluating. So my platoon started with 64. We graduated 32. So it was 50% attrition. And that was a very short amount of time. So it's a little different program when you go through Officer Canada school. I mean, that's not completely different than the way it is in capitalism anywhere, business.

I mean, you know, Jack Welch famously was the head of RCA for the longest time. He's known as Shane Chainsaw Jack, I think, is he would every year fire the bottom 10% performing in the company. That was the mantra, you know. That was the operating procedure. And so even if you didn't do a terrible job, you know, it was always a game of musical chairs. And there was nine seats in 10. people every year. I mean, that's, you wonder why people have heart attacks at 59. I mean, that's why. Yeah. Because that's what capitalism is. And I'm sure, you know, Mom, Donnie is watching

this right now, as he always does, I'm sure, and saying, exactly, Bill, that's my point, capitalism terrible. Yeah, it's terrible, except it's still better than the reverse. Yeah. You want to really be, Soviet people died at 38 from being drunk all the time because they couldn't take their life under communism. My girlfriend is Polish. She was born into communism. She lived under her for a little while, and she shakes her head.

She just, she's like, they don't know what they're asking for. They don't know what they're talking about. And it would be so easy to find out. It wasn't like it happened a thousand years ago. Exactly. It happened in our lifetimes. She would explain to me the grocery card they got. She got a grocery card.

Her family got a grocery card. And they would... This is Poland. Yeah. Warsaw? Yeah. And you were allowed, you know, you were, your family of four, you get X amount of milk, X amount of liters of milk per week. You get X amount of eggs per week.

You get eggs, you know, and then you take that card to the store, which sometimes didn't have any of the stuff on your car. Sometimes they just had a, we're long on toilet paper today. Oh, yeah. So take some toilet paper. But come back tomorrow and maybe we'll have what's on your list. It doesn't work. Humans need to be incentivized by selfishness. It is nature to be selfish.

Animals are selfish. Yeah. Watch them. Yeah. I heard a song the other day, and it was, of course, all things are exaggerated, but it was basically capitalism doesn't, capitalism isn't bad because you suck at life. That's awesome.

You know? And I was like, that's a pretty catchy song, you know. Sorry. Yeah. Sometimes that's what it feels like. But I mean the waste of human capital, the Polish people, for example, they're a very smart, capable people, and as soon as they threw off the shackles of communism, Poland has done very well since. They're ascending right now. Oh yes, absolutely.

I mean, Warsaw, I'm sure, is a very vibrant, prosperous city. For a major city, it is unbelievably safe. Have you gone there? Yes. Been to Poland, it's beautiful. So she goes back to see family and stuff? Yeah. Oh.

So how did you two meet? She's a professional golfer. So we play a lot of golf. I play a lot of golf. That's funny, because I always thought golf ruined relationships. Most of the time it does. Really? Most of the time it does.

Because I thought either, like first the guy plays golf, really, and I'm, I have to tell you, to begin with, I'm very anti-golf, always have been. I don't find it to be a sport. It's an insult to lawns, more than anything else. And, I mean, if you want to, like, walk around in the park all day, fine. If you want to hit a little ball, do that.

Don't combine them and call it a sport. Okay. But I get that that's my prejudice. And it's also a disaster environmentally. And it just attracts the wrong kind of people. You know, it really does. I mean, like, I'm not one of those, you know, white people are toxic. They went way too far with that.

But golf, yeah, I do understand. Then white people hate white people. Okay. But other than that, golf, okay. Not my favorite sport. I spent also four hours playing poker with my friends. That's quiet play. First, I feel like guys were just doing it as a thing to get away from the wife.

Like, again, because I don't find it attractive thing to do. So, like, okay, this must be just a ploy to get away from the wife. And then what happened was wives were like, oh, I'll play golf too. And I'm like, oh, fuck. I'm doing this thing I didn't want to do. You got away from you, and now we're doing it together. But I'm sure I'm wrong about all that. So tell me about your life with God.

So tell me how does you love it. I hope I didn't poison the water, Rob, with that whole thing. Now, listen, I get it. I hear you. I hear you. But she's a professional, got that's very impressive. Yeah, she's very good. Wow. And she loves the sport.

She's an athlete. She just, you know, some people just have that natural ability. She does. And are you pretty good? I'm okay. I'm okay. Like what's your handicap? Ten. Ten? No.

That's very good. It's pretty good. So you shoot like an 82? Yeah. Well, 82 is very good. I shoot in the low 80s. And what does she shoot? She probably shoots in the mid-70s.

Pussy. No. I know. Believe me. Loser. Great Rob. Thank you for your service, not to men. Yeah. That's what I tell my friends.

I go, oh, you players, see how it goes. And then they shut up real quick. They're like, I'm busy that day. But do you shoot from the same tea or does she do the ladies' tea? No, same one? Same tea box. Doesn't use the ladies' tea. Doesn't use the ladies' tea.

Wow. You know, she's probably going to hate me for saying this, or I'm going to take some heat for. She's going to love you for this whole thing. She's going to find out sides of you. She never knew. She'll like, you should hang out with Bill Mar more. I'm getting to the real year. I like that Bill guy.

Yes. She, coming off the T-box, she can bomb it. I mean, she can hit. But sometimes she's inconsistent, and that's where I get to catch up with her. But around the green, her short game is amazing. That's where she makes up all her strokes. And around the green, I'm a hot mess. So that's like four dirty phrases in that one thing.

Oh golfs are loaded with them. Loaded with them. Like what? Shafts, balls. Ball watcher. Just two are ball wash, wash my balls, you know. You're right. I'll meet you at the box.

Right. There's all kinds of things. Well, I'm glad for you. So you're, but you were married? I was. Yeah, I was. So how, how? How long have you been with this lady?

We are going on just over five years. Well, that's certainly within the good honeymoon time, huh? I mean, you know, I always think most marriages that fall apart, not that I'm the expert on that because I never did it, but I get the thing. It's really not that the people are bad, or went bad. It's just time. Time is not really your ally. It is for some people.

Some people, some people just grow more and more, you know, in love, I guess. No, they do. Some do. Some are lucky life. Some just grow codependent. That's interesting. But most people, what they grow mostly is bored and just too familiar and you just, the other person becomes just like you.

I mean, it's like, and that's not, doesn't lend itself to the kind of- Yeah. all matter of reasons these days why marriages aren't working. I had my thing, but I have a ton of friends that are going through it too. And, yeah, there seems to be similar patterns. But you're probably talking to the wrong guy

because, you know, still, you know, I'm probably, I have a little edge about it. Age about the divorce? Yeah, I'm probably not objective. Who? Who that goes through a divorce is ever not objective. Well, because I can, but I can understand.

I can, I really try, maybe I'm delusional, but I think I can understand, you know, different people's, or people's opinions, whether it's, you know, women say, oh well, it's because the man's this, that, or the other, you're never around, da, da, that, and the laundry list of complaints. And then the women, and then the men are like,

yeah, but if you didn't cheat, lie steel, you know, maybe we wouldn't be it. So it's a lot of this, right? Yes, no. Well, I only know, it mostly from the men's side because you know my guy friends and then they get married and then you know when they're going through a divorce they're just useless useless as human beings they really are I mean that the it's bad the

amount of anger it puts them partly because they're paying not just for their lawyer but sometimes the wife's lawyer they're paying for the guy who's attacking them that I get that that's and then if kids are involved you know that can do it it's hard for me not to be upset, but I also don't want to walk around jaded in front of the kids or put out that kind of angry vibe. But, you know, there's all kinds of great comedians who talk about this, and they do a wonderful job talking about, you know, would you jump out of an airplane if you knew your parachute was only going to open 50% of the time? Right. No, no one would.

So why the fuck are you going to get married? You know, and now the deck is so stacked. against the breadwinner. It's unbelievable how bad it is. Why would you ever sign up for that program? It's just, it doesn't make any sense. Okay, but let me take the side that is not predictable for me to take

because I'm the unmarried guy, but I think that that analogy with jumping out of the plane is not a good analogy, because, yeah, 50% of the time the shoot won't open, but if it does open and you make it so fucking what?

You jumped out of a plane. You, like, got an adrenaline rush for five minutes, and you risked it all for nothing, really. So that's not a good bet. But marriage, if it does work, it can be great. I certainly know people who would be lost without their spouse. Where are my gloves? Come on, heat.

Any day now? Winter is hard. but your groceries don't have to be. This winter, stay warm. Tap the banner to order your groceries online at walla.ca. Enjoy in-store prices without leaving your home. You'll find the same regular prices online as in-store. Many promotions are available both in-store and online, though some may vary.

And I also, I love love. I have no problem with. Right. I do. Being in love is a wonderful thing. And being able to share with someone and being able to, especially for men to have a partner that you can be vulnerable with, or that you can express some stuff

that you can't express anywhere else. Like to have a partner that knows, cares about you, or lights up when you walk into a room. That stuff is awesome. It's wonderful. It's what makes the world go around. And also the tactile element to it. You know, I mean, I certainly have had times

when I'm alone and the only person's been touching me is me. Mm-hmm. But it's better if you have this physical communication. Of course. I mean, I'm not talking about sex, but sex, of course, is great, too. But, like, just, you know, someone who is pawing you. Mm-hmm. And they like it when you paw them, and your paws are on each other.

You know, it's so funny. The older I get, like, when I was a young man, you know, sex was probably the number one driver. I can nowadays... Golf driver. And there we go. But nowadays, I can be driving down the road, and my girlfriend will just put her hand over and run her fingers through my hair. And that's amazing.

It instantly comforts me. It instantly calms me down. Oh, I thought you were going to say you got a boner. Well, that can happen too. Really? Just from the fingers through your hair? Yeah. Wow.

It definitely can stir the old butterflies. Really? Yeah. Wow. I'm going to get to Poland. You really do. Really? Yeah.

Why? Tons of beautiful women. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And they, I don't know, they're just awesome. They have really good. I don't know how to, I don't want to,

you guys, yeah, it wasn't to be so measured. Like, I was going to say, they have great attitudes. But, I don't know. You feel like every, because anytime you say anything, somebody's going to take offense. Fuck them. Thank you. Fuck them, Rob.

Because there's American women are like, oh, yeah. Okay, you went to war for America. Fuck you. If you're, like, have even a thought to, like, jump on his case for that what did you do you fuck's typing on your phone good sit hit send warrior social justice warrior bad rob wriggle because shut the fuck oh thank you yeah thank you warriors they they're actual warrior wear me out what battles were you in battle the bulge gettysburg All right.

Antietam. Of course. I'm reading a book right now, actually, called A Demon of Unrest. It's about the attack on Fort Sumner. Basically, it takes place from Lincoln getting elected in November of 60, 1860, until April 12, 61 when they fired on Sumter.

That's right. And so I know my history pretty well. Me too. I love it. I love it. I love it. I'm Civil War buff. Love all that stuff.

Me too. So, but the level of detail in that six months that this book goes into is fantastic. I really... You mean how the word really could have been avoided? So many things could have been done differently. Right. So many things. But at the core, like a lot of, you know, a lot of...

There was a big revisionist movement, I guess, where they tried to paint it as states rights. It was all about states rights. They still do. Well, but it wasn't. But it wasn't. I know, but it wasn't. At the core of it was always going to come back to slavery. Of course it was.

Right. Which had been the issue for the entire century. Yes. 1808 is when, I mean, first of all, they were going to get rid of it right from the GIF. Yeah. And then they said, okay, you know, we're not going to have the southern states as part of this country unless we give in, but we're going to sunset it to 1808. In other words, kick it down the road. Something may still.

So we can get this done. Yeah. 18-0-A, okay, so it's bad, but it's a word. Then Eli Whitney invented the cotton gin, which made picking slavery like way more, you know, economically feasible. Yeah. So then they were like, fuck that. We had the 18, the compromise of 1820, the compromise of 1830.

All these places along the way where they came up to this issue. Missouri compromise. Yeah. where they came up to this issue and they just couldn't quite do it. And then, you know, the great man theory of history, true. Lincoln came along and he said, enough's enough. Just like a century later, Kennedy came into office and also said, enough's enough. You know, yeah, we got rid of slavery.

That was a century ago, but we really didn't complete the revolution. And I'm going to send troops into the South to make sure the kids can go to school. Yeah. You know, it just takes somebody willing, well, in both those cases, willing to get shot. Eisenhower did it in 57 down in Little Rock. Yes, that's true. Yeah. And, yeah, so, but when I, when I, when I, when I, the level of detail, because I knew something and I knew, you know, okay, blah, blah, blah, blah. I knew the big, kind of the big pivot moments, but the, the, the way they break it down and they talk a lot about Major Anderson and, and P. P.T. Beauregard and, and. and Jefferson Davis and all the politics and the things that were going on it just reminds you like oh this is us this is every day you know there may be big things going on but so many things can be so decided and judged and I mean World War I did you ever read Barbara Tuckman's the Guns of August oh I've

heard of it but I have it's a yeah it's one of us seminal books the same idea like the Archduke sort of is shot on June 28th. The war doesn't start until August. They had that time. They had the time to stop. To stop it and to like say, wait it, what the fuck are we doing?

We're Europe, we're, you know, supposedly civilized people. Things are going pretty good. And this is just gonna, no one's gonna win this. And nobody did. And yet they could not stop it. It's tragic. That's the thing.

Some of the biggest tragedies, and I'm not saying the Civil War was a tragedy, It was actually a very good thing. It had to happen. But so many times people go into things half-cocked, and they end up in a quagmire and a cesspool. Because nobody thinks about the, you got to think about the beginning, middle, and end.

It's like when you write a play or do an act or whatever, you got a big opener, something strong in the middle and then a big closer. The one guy who thought of that was George Bush, the first I was just gonna say that right yeah Colin Powell yeah I mean the Colin Powell had that you the pottery barn rule you you you bought it yeah and Bush everybody not everybody but a lot of people said Saddam's go get him go get him go get him go get him go all the way to Baghdad and he was like no he said these are the

parameters we set up in the beginning and that's exactly and then his dumb son comes into office and goes all the way to Baghdad you know okay I'm sorry I was probably too hard on Bush at the time But, I mean, I didn't agree with that going all the way, the whole thing. But it's funny because I use that metaphor often in my life. I don't think people know what I'm talking about when I say, yeah, I just don't want to go all the way to Baghdad. I mean, why don't you marry this girl? I'm like, I just don't want to go all the way to Baghdad.

It just goes over their head? Well, I know what I mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, you know, I kicked Saddam out of Kuwait. That's enough. I don't cut all That's probably like a Dennis Miller reference for some people

Yeah Something like that You're too hip for the room man You didn't fight in that war What were did I was actually on the parade deck I was in I was in Officer Canada school During the first Gulf War

Yeah What about the other Iraq war In 2003 Yeah The Bush's war I was in the service But I didn't serve in Iraq I hardly had

enough went over there as a USO tour in Iraq. Because you were a comic by then? That's hysterical. Who was on the tour with you? I took Horatio Sands. Wow. Okay. I took Paul Shear and Rob Heubel, because I did improv with those guys in New York. And it was the four of us. And what was the show like? What was in the show?

We slapped together a show. I kind of did double duty. So I grabbed Paul and Rob because we had done, improv and for years and Horatio also had done a lot of improv with us and I had been on SNL with Horatio and we got along really well so I would do some stand-up in the beginning then we would do a couple of you know sketches or bits that we had kind of written up then Horatio we would do some stuff with the audience so we'd get the you know, some of the troops to come up and join us for like a dating game parody where

Horatio came out and played Carol, you know, and she was the bachelorette. And so we'd get three soldiers up there to be the, you know, just playing, we did all these bits, right? Yeah, yeah. And it's a great audience because, I mean, look. And the audience is, they're so gung-ho, they're so ready for us, you know? Of course. And like Paul, there's an old improv game, but it was basically ask the expert.

And so Paul would be the expert. And we would say, ladies gentlemen, we want to introduce you to the smartest man in the entire world. He's an expert on anything you can ask him. Anything you want to ask him. If you have any questions about life, anything at all, please ask our expert. I can't say expert today. Ask our expert. And so, you know, soldiers get up and, you know, how do I break up with my girlfriend?

And then Paul would just give hilarious answers, right? And it was just fun games like that, right? Do you remember the Al Franken, U.S.O? Well, I didn't see any of his stuff. Well, yeah, I knew he had gone on a USO tour and he had done some, you know, pictures that when someone was sleeping and then we got... Okay, well, that was one part of it, which is...

First of all, let me just, before I forget to say it, it was all bullshit, okay? Al should never have resigned. I think even he knows that. I mean, it was all, I mean... What was the issue? It was the height of the Me Too history. to hysteria. Okay. Now me too. That's right. That's right. You know, it was a net. That's right.

That's right. I remember. Very necessary corrective and needs to keep going and go even further. But they also did catch some people in the net. In they, you know, there was a sort of a frothing at the mouth. Who are we going to get today attitude for a while? You know, as we see with the Epstein files. Yeah. Because most men are bad, but not all. I wouldn't say they're bad, but I don't know. a single person on earth that doesn't make mistakes. No one's perfect. Ever, in the history of mankind, no one's been perfect. Right, but men, I'm sorry, most of them are not pedophiles, I don't think.

No. But most of them would definitely cheat under the right circumstances. In other words, how many would withstand the ultimate temptation? Very few. Very few. Okay. All right. So we're working from that base.

Okay. From that view. They're dogs. You know. Yeah. Okay. So, but Al was accused. But does that mean go to jail?

Does that mean lose your job? No. Does that mean... No, that's private. That should be between you and whoever you're... It should be, yeah. Right. Okay.

But the Al Franken situation was this. Yeah. Okay. There was two things. One, he took a gag picture on the plane. I think it was the woman who accused them. I think it was Leanne Tweedin. She was like sleeping on the plane.

You know, it's exhausting these trips. And so he took a picture, a gag picture, where his hands are not on her breasts. But he's acting like, you know, ha-ha, she's asleep. I remember that. You know, I mean, it's bad taste. It's not even that. It's just get the fucking sense of humor.

It's not anything that awful. Nobody died, okay? There are no mass graves from this picture. All right, you know, you get a sense of humor. It's just not. And by the way, 30 years ago, nobody would even have blinked an eye. It was just, okay, it's certainly not worth losing your job for. He was a very effective senator.

Okay, the other thing was, he was accused. Well, 30 years ago, too, if the girl found out that, you know, somebody played, you know, someone found out that that picture was taken, the girl would probably wait until he'd fall asleep, and then do some sort of mock picture about him, like laughing at his junk or something, you know? Yeah. It would have been that, and then they're done. It would have been that.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's not exactly in apples to oranges because men historically have been way worse to women. So it's a little worse when the man does it, but it's still not worth blowing a gasket. But that's how it would have been handled. It would have been, it doesn't have to be a federal case, but...

Right. So the other thing was, he was accused of, writing a sketch for the USO show. Now the sketch is what? No, I'm just... You don't remember this? No.

Okay. So this was the other accusation that he wrote this... My first time was, how bad was the sketch? What were we talking about? Not bad at all. Okay. The crowd loved it because it's this... I can't remember the details of it,

but basically he sets up this situation. We're a pretty girl who's always in the USA show. Bob Hope used to have Anne Margaret and Raquel Welchon. Okay. So I think it was this woman. I think it was Leanne. but I could be wrong, but I guess because she accused him of writing the sketch in such a way

that he wrote it in the script that he gets to kiss her. Okay, the payoff of the bit is that whoever he was playing doesn't get the girl and the soldier they bring on stage does. So, of course, the soldiers are going to love that. One of their own gets the girl. So that was the point of the sketch. I don't think Al wrote it so that he could have this moment

where he gets the stage kiss with the girl. You know, is it possible? I can't look into everybody's mind. But that was a USO scandal. I didn't even know that was part of it. Yeah. Interesting. It is interesting.

Huh. I mean, it's interesting where we were 10 years ago with that. Yeah. And, you know, I see in these Epstein files. I mean, first of all, you just find out. I said this on my show a couple of weeks ago. Some people were just shocked. I said, I have an apology to QAnon.

You were not completely wrong about the fact that they were like, I mean, I said, you know what? Also, no, the Democrats do not eat babies. I was about to say, because QN is out there. Okay, right. I lost a phrase of Q&ON. That's right, just don't take it that far. Democrats are not eating babies.

Hillary didn't run a pedophile ring out of a pizza parlor, you fucking nuts. But you weren't wrong about the elites of this world. Think they can get away with so much shit that they were all. The content they have for the rest of us is just pretty amazing when you see these email. They're almost as lurid as. Well, I know you do a lot of work. in political thought and political discussion and debate. And I'm sure this stuff has been right in your forefront,

all the Epstein talk, because that seems to be the primary focus. Yeah, but until this last dump, we didn't know how extensive it was. It really did change the narrative a lot. I mean, we thought it was until like a few weeks ago. But to the average American, they're not drilling down like you. Like nobody knows. I don't know what's going on. I don't know what's out there.

Okay, but on the right, this is the one issue where they will break with Trump over. They, QAnon, which are his biggest backers, and, you know, they are far right, but they do not let go of this one. They had it in their heads, that there was this, you know, cabal of elites who are so drunk on their own power that they think they can get away. Well, they kind of do and did. You know, I have a friend who always talks about shark skin, no, not shark soup. Like, it's illegal to, you know, like kill the sharks. And the soup doesn't even taste good, but they can. But that's because they can't.

Yeah. They just can't, you know. They don't even like it. They don't even like it. Yeah. But it's wrong. But we can do it. We can do it.

It's wrong. I know very little about the Epstein other than general broad brushes, right? But what it feels like to me is this guy, if you look at his trajectory and how he managed to get to where he got, it feels like he is an intelligence operator. CIA, Mossad, whatever it is. But he works in the intelligence community.

Is what it feels like to me as an outsider. And again, I don't drill down on this stuff and I don't spend much time on it. He's a pub. But he feels, well, but that's part of it. But that's part of it. But he has all these elites. He's got him dead to rights, doing something wrong.

Yeah. And so that's why he was a... But somebody uses that. He wasn't leveraging it for himself. Maybe he was partially. But some bigger entity, I feel like, was probably leveraging that. No. No.

You don't think that's it? He's a pimp. When you don't know why a guy has a lot of money, it's probably because he's a pimp. That's always been my view. on Epstein, and I think that's only been proven correct. He wasn't particularly popular with all these different people because he was a sparkling conversationalist. When WestJet first took flight in 1996, the vibes were a bit different. People thought denim on denim was peak fashion, inline skates

were everywhere, and two out of three women rocked, the Rachel. While those things stayed in the 90s, one thing that hasn't is that fuzzy feeling you get when WestJet welcomes you on board. Here's to West Jetting since 96. Travel back in time with us. and actually travel with us at westjet.com slash 30 years. All I'm saying is I don't know. I know nothing about it, and I feel like most people all know the broad brush. Well, I'm going to tell you.

And nobody thinks he killed himself. Another, no, that's probably not true either. Although there is, I mean, the gashes in the neck are real, but maybe, who knows, it doesn't matter. The guys who were in his circle, that's the key to this. and I've also certainly known that guy all my life. That's the guy who is so successful in his business and has zero ability to ever get a human woman in bed.

There's a lot of guys like that, and they are just burning up inside because they're like, I am the master of the universe. I am so powerful, and I have all these connections, and I have all this influence and all this money, and no chick. wants me. Yeah.

That is just, it just knocks them, it just, it's just the worst. They think it should translate directly into like this, this, this, this tap of womanhood that is just flowing down toward them because, and it doesn't. Women are interested in something completely different. And so who fixes this problem? Jeffrey Epstein. And you just see it in all the emails. I mean, Richard Branson, hey, it'd be great to see you,

as long as you're bringing your harem. You know, these are, I mean, they didn't even hide it. It's right in their emails. And they're all doing this. They're asking them for advice on how to cheat. That's what some, I forget what prominent guy was, oh, it was the guy from Harvard. He used to be the secretary of the treasury.

Summer, Lawrence Summer, whatever his name is. And he's like, you know, there's this Asian woman in the department. And, you know, I kind of like to get with her. But I didn't know what to say. You know, it's like ask Jeffrey. You know, he's going to like, yes, he's the guy who knows about chicks, knows how to get chicks. There's always going to be chicks around.

This is the one thing in Bill Gates' life that he doesn't have. Yeah. You know, all these guys. That's what it is. Yeah. And then once he, Epstein has them in this position, of course, you're right. He does have all the power in the world to blackmail them and to constantly, you know, tap them for resources and, you know. Influence. Influence, but also, you know, money to the, his great, you know, his great consulting. Yeah. No one, he wasn't this financial genius. He had the women. That's what it is. And so could he have been an intelligent operative?

He absolutely could have. I just don't think it interested him. Past just being where he was in the world, being able to keep it going with the 12 massages a day and having the dinner parties with Woody Allen and, you know, Noam Chomsky and Bill Gates. But it was about the women and the fact that he was so good at having them always around.

And, you know, I'm not saying all these guys were having sex with the underage women, I think he was. But they didn't, they were certainly able to overlook that because they were taking care of as well. That's very interesting. That's very interesting. It is. I like to think about that. Yeah, that's what it is. That's what it is.

It's, uh, you know. Listen, I'm not doubting it. You look like a, you know, you're kind of. of a rugged, good-looking guy who probably was always, like, you know, there were women always wanted you. Like I say, women probably didn't always want you. No? Are you sure?

Yeah, no. I'm sure you didn't just miss it because when I was younger, I was actually quite good-looking and I didn't think that, and so I just missed it. I think I probably missed a few. That's probable. That's probable. hit one in the rough every once in a while, you know, but... And you got to drop the ball where you think, you know, you don't want to cheat at that moment.

That's interesting. Because people do cheat at that moment, don't they? When they put where the ball lies. Yeah. Isn't that a big opportunity to cheat? Like, if your ball's in the rough, where are you supposed to drop the ball? I mean... Oh, yeah.

Within a club length, there's rules to where you drop. What are those rules? It depends. If you went into an out-of-bounds area or if you're just a lost ball, you're supposed to be one club length back into play and then drop it between that. So if you hit it like into the rough on the side

and like it was raining there and so it's under a bunch of like mud and wet leaves. But you can see it? You can see it. You got to play it. You have to hit that ball out of the mud and the mire? It depends. Sometimes there may be a rule now

where if the ball is truly plugged and you can only see like the top white part of it, you may get some relief there. Who decides that? The course official, but that's at a tournament. If it's you and your guys, or you and your, you know, you and the boys. Forget it.

Yeah, then you just fluff it out of there a little bit. So what if you can't see it at all? First of all, if you can't see it, how did you find it? Well, exactly. If you can't see it, it's a lost ball, then you have to take a penalty. But where do you drop the ball?

One club length in. From where? From the out of the bound stake. There's white steaks all along. So it's one club length inside that. And then what do you hit like a two iron from there? Whatever. But the way the math works is, let's say it's a T-box.

You go, the way I, one out, so I hit one out, two comes back in. That's my drop. And now I'm hitting three from there. So that's how you count. And normally it would be one, two to the green. But now it's three to the green. So... Have you ever had double figures on a hole?

Yeah, of course. Really? Yeah. Of course. Oh, yeah. In the beginning. Oh, in the beginning. Yeah, you suck.

You suck bad. You're like an 11 on one hole? Yeah, but at some point you just pick it up because it's obnoxious. You know, like there's people behind you. You know, the pace of play outweighs the amount of strokes you need to get, you know. And, you know... Is that a thing... The general rule is if it's a par four and you have an eight,

pick it up. No more strokes after that. Do people actually say, can I play through? Oh, yeah. That's a real thing? Yeah. And why is that like the... Because they only have one or two people in their group and you have a four or five people in your group. And is the attitude to always say yes? Really? You let them through. If you're playing slower than they are, they're going to overtake you rather than make them wait for your... you get to a par three. Usually it's at par threes.

You get onto the green and you wave them on. them on and then they they'll hit come up put out real quick they move on to the next hole you guys finish yours and they keep going and one if you don't do this what what what repercussions are you are you uh is it is it bad for him it's just bad and and then what happens a lot of stairs a lot of fuck you's a lot of fuck you yeah oh yeah that's that's that's that's about the 19th hole now right generally yeah but you've seen these videos I'm sure on online of these golf fights these golf fights yeah

the time. Golf fights. Well, because the guys get hammered. They get drunk and then some guys not playing fast enough. To my point about not a sport. If you can get drunk while you're doing it. Okay, can you see that with the bobsledding that's going on now? I mean, actually with that one, you can. Yeah. If you might as well, if I can be better drunk. I mean, you're just lying in this thing while you risk your life going. It even looks like the guy on the back is just taking a catnap almost, you know, other than the rattling. Yeah. I know that's not true, by the way. I'm very proud of our bobslet team.

I'm sure they're doing a good job. Rob, you fought for this country. Stop apologizing. I can't. You know why? Because you live in Hollywood, and they seduced you into this bullshit. No, it's because I have a kid in college and a kid going to college, and I got a mortgage, and I got an ex, and daddy's got to pay the bills.

And when they're out there, head hunting, you sit there and go, did I just make fun of the bobsled team? I better take that back. But you know what? Cancelling, it has, first of all, we're- Fucking sucks. It always did. Always. And I-

It's unjust. And I've always taken shit from the left for talking against their cancel culture. Not that it's only on the left, because the right does it also. Absolutely. So they're a bunch of fucking- Everyone, well, that's the new toy for everybody is cancel. It's a cancel wand. Okay, but just throw it at everybody.

But we, I think we passed the peak of that culture. I hope so. I hope people are seeing how the folly of it. Many, lots of people who were supposedly canceled actually came out better. They did. Look at Shane Gillis. You know, people who they tried to make go away.

Because I think you can see through. So, don't worry. Most people can see if someone is truly hurtful or if they're just making a joke. Most people can tell the difference. How many medals do you have? Over 22. Okay, this is just my advice. I don't know you. I never met you before this. I always loved your work

Everything you're in you make better. You're like one of those character act comedy character actors are like when you show up it's like okay at least this will be funny That's very nice you to say. It's so true. You're very kind. So true. Thank you. But like I think you'd be better off even with the mortgage and the X and all that to be like just take the opposite attack like I fought for this country. I have 22 medals. Shut the fuck up about whatever my opinion is about bobsledding.

Well, I agree with that 100%. I earned it. Yeah. I'll say whatever I want to say. I earned it. Unlike you fucking senders. I feel emboldened to talk about bobsledding now. Thank you.

But not the luge. We don't go. I don't touch the luge. No, no. Rob, I'm not unreasonable. Okay. I'm strongly opinionated. I'm not a crazy.

I'm not a crazy person. Of course we don't go near the luge. Luge, whatever it is. What do you think of that, speaking of women athletes, that skater, who, you know, it's like Jake Paul's, wife you know she oh is she a speed skater she's

or a finger skater she's quite a hot one oh yeah yeah I mean I think she's I think she's Dutch I think she's skating for Dutch land yeah no I mean the Netherlands

yeah yeah boy pot really makes you forget the name of countries Dutch land that goes back beautiful all the Olympic athletes, men and women, they're all hot. They're at the prime of their life and they're in peak physical condition. Didn't they sell out of condoms out there in the Olympic Village or something?

I was just going to say, three days. I mean, they provide condoms for the Olympic Village, and in three days they were gone. Well, how do you expect them not to be? These guys and girls, both, are prime athletes. They're burning like 3,000 calories a day just sitting there. You know, they are amped up. They're in the prime of their life. life and they see each other and it's like you're an athlete I'm an athlete it's it's got to be

electric the energy coming out of that Olympic village has got to be tremendous sex at its best is an athletic performance I mean among other things obviously it's not just that yeah but I mean I feel like it's an athletic performance I feel like it's a it's a symphony orchestra presentation even though no one is there to hear it you know it's an oratorio you know that you perform once and it's somehow the same music but you but you're doing it differently you know much like people who do a Broadway show for 3,000 performances have to somehow find a way can you imagine that have you ever done a show like a I've done I've done not Broadway but I've done shows yes

where you're doing the same thing every and you've got to find that that same energy level and that same commitment that same passion and that same I it's It's so hard. Yeah, it's unbelievably draining. I did a Broadway show for three weeks, three weeks, maybe a month, in 2003, got nominated for a Tony, one-man show. Thank you so much. Lost that one like all the other ones.

But it was my own material, and I couldn't stand doing it. When I did the road for all... I remember this one. Yeah. called I was living in New York at the time yes when you ride alone you ride with bin Laden it was all about the war on terror we had just been attacked after 9-11 and no it was quite well-stantastic thank you it was quite well received but first of all I had to do you know Broadway is brutal you get one day off Monday yeah you

have to do two shows on Saturday and Sunday a matinee and then the show at night two days in a row the matinee on Saturday was 1 p.m. I'm not up at 1 p.m. I'm not up at 1 I do like get out of bed and immediately start drinking. To get into the kind of shape I was needed to be in to do that show. And Broadway, too. That's, yeah, you're in the furnace. My mother was at one of those shows, a matinee. And one of the punchlines was, I won't go through the whole thing, but it was,

come on my face. And I was just like, I can't. My mother is in the audience and I have to do the, punchline that it was about mutual fan people talked about mutual fantasies there's no fantasy or a guy runs across a meadow to a woman with open arms and then comes on her face you know that that was the joke okay and you know it's just one p.m. me my mother there yeah it was just brutal not brutal like war I did a show one time I was I was out doing doing my shows and I

Vitell said, hey, I'm playing the Midland in Kansas City. Such a funny guy. Were you open? And I was like, yes, my god, yeah. It's my hometown or whatever. So I called my folks, and they're the sweetest Midwesterners you've ever met in your life. Not what I've heard. And I said, hey, I'm going to be coming in to, I'm going to open for this guy.

And, you know, if you want to come to the show, please do. But just understand that I cuss a lot. And I, you know, I'm kind of prepping the field for him, so they're not caught off guard. And then my dad says, hey, we're all here. I said, well, who's all? He was, well, mom invited the Sunday school class. And that's a legit thing that happened. And I went out there and I knew, I was like, well, I can't change my act.

It's a song. You know, you learn the song a certain way. I'm not going to go out there and change the lyrics now. Why should you? Exactly. And I warned them. How'd it go? It was great.

Right. Great night. Because who's more repressed in looking to laugh than religious people? Of course. And they had a great night. They all had a great night. Biggest freaks in the world are Mormons. And they love Dave.

They loved him. Absolutely loved. And he's really dirty. And he brought it. So, you know, great stuff. I love that. But I also remember those two shows, like, you know, two shows on Friday, two shows on Saturday, one show on Thursday, maybe one show on Sunday. Plus, you have to do all the radio promo Wednesday and Thursday all day.

That's just, you're getting tired thinking about it. I'm just, no, I'm just thinking I paid my due. Yes, you did. Like, did I go to wherever you were, Kosovo, or wherever the fuck you were fighting for your country, winning those 22 medals, Bob Sled people? But I paid my dues in my way. You know, like, those were not happy nights.

Those are hard. Three shows. Three shows. You can't remember what you said in either one of the other two shows. You have to, like, keep. this set list in your mind is so straight because half of your mind is saying I just said this to the same crowd

and the other half of your mind is saying no you didn't just do it because I'm telling you you didn't just do this in this show yeah it's a it's just such a mind fuck yeah and three I never I don't think I ever did three in one night I did many times

now I've done some 1 a.m. like shows for drunk You know, take the gig wherever you can get it. No, because I was at the height. But three in a night. Yeah, that's because I was, this was the 80s when it was the height of the comedy boom. So comedy clubs realized they could sell out easily on a Saturday night. They could probably do six shows on a Saturday. So would you do a 7.9 and a midnight?

7.39, 30, and 11.30. Wow, there you go. Absolutely. And it was just like, wow. And this is sometimes for $250 for the week. week. But now, okay, let me ask you this. Because you know, anybody who went through, especially the time when you were really out there grinding, I mean, that was really at the height of it.

That was the, like you said, it was kind of a golden age in a way. In a way. But when you look back on it and you, do you think about the pain and the misery or do you have a kind of a longing and a fondness for it? It's funny, sometimes I go to the comedy store now to just watch. Yeah. I always, when I walk in there, it's like, do you want to go up? I'm like, I don't even go on the road anymore. I stopped that last year after all those years.

But I miss it, but I'm glad I did make that decision. But I just go in, it's a fun thing to do. Like, there's not that many things to do. I'm not going to go to a movie. So you're done with dinner. You don't want to go home. Oh, let's go to the comedy. comedy store. If they're bad, it's interesting, and if they're good, it's interesting.

It's, there's kind of a no-lose. And I'm also, and sometimes, honestly, scouting new talent, in a way. But when I watch it, I am overcome with this idea of, wow, I did this, because I wouldn't want to do it now. It's rough. It's rough. Why is it rougher? First of all, it's not your crowd. It's a crowd. The last 35 years, or 30 years anyway, since I've been on TV every week, it was my crowd. It's people who bought tickets to see Bill Maher. These people bought tickets to see comedy in general.

Got it. It's not, you don't know what they want. And you have to follow 12 other guys. It's funny, when you watch four or five of them in the row, it's like, oh, There's the perfunctory gay joke. Yeah. Like we all know what the well is, where you can always go to that well. And if you're the fifth guy to do it, it doesn't work.

Yeah. You know, it's just, it's brutal in so many ways. And you watch these people who are, you see this willingness to put up with so much pain, you know, of rejection, because they want it so much, and I, of course I was that person. I put up with that same pain. But to watch it now and realize, yeah, that was me, but boy, I wouldn't want to do it now. And I know exactly what they're going through. And it's interesting.

And sometimes they're just great. And sometimes it's just painful. And sometimes they're great one night and painful the next time I see them. They're still learning their craft probably. Right. And it's a different crowd. Now it's 120 in the morning. And these people saw those jokes tend to.

times already. I remember doing my show or my set and you know in some places it murdered, it destroyed. I was like, oh, this is my call. Of course. And then I learned, it's an education. It's a whole process because I would take that and I would go to somebody would say, hey, Rob, you want to do this charity event? Yeah, sure. I'll pop in. I'll help out. And I would do my Club Act for this not knowing hey someone's got to pull me somebody needed to pull me aside and say hey hey hey So here's how this works well I could I got the way I learned is by people wanted to kill me Well I could have told you I didn't know the worst I didn't know the worst the worst the worst is charity Yeah I fucking hate charity all right don't take that out as a sound bite

What I meant to say charity events charity events are the worst Because the people who go to charity events feel like they're very good people doing a very good thing. So they are the most politically correct audience in the world, which is the absolute enemy of comedy. And then they want to mix you on with music. Yeah, that too. They want to mix you. We got a whole mixed bag. We thought we'd have some comedy, and then we'd have this and we'd have that.

And sometimes they introduce you before they have a whole thing about what the charity is, which is something super sad. okay enough film of people having their legs blown off now a funny guy yeah and here for the yucks put your hands together you come out with eyes like saucers what the fuck do that yeah it's just not good though i it's so funny i one time i came out and was doing this event a charity event and people were still they they were still coming in to the venue coming into the it was a sit down it was dinner, you know, I heard dishes clinking and, you know, all this going on and people talking, Bob, do you have met Susan yet? Susan, this is Bob Johnson. He works over. I can hear their conversations as I'm trying to, you know, I got one table that's looking at me. Everybody else is

just milling around, talking, smile, chatter. It was a hot fucking mess, man. That's funny, 40 years ago, when I first started and I was offered some charity events, I would always say, you know, or if they would ask for money, I would say, I would do any amount of time not to have to give you money. Now, I would say, I would give any amount of money not to have to do time. Yeah. Yeah. It's tough. And I haven't been out on the road in, you know, 15 years probably. Really? Yeah. No, no, that's too long. It's been 10 years. But I haven't done any stand-up in 10 years. But I get asked to do it. And I'm always like, ah, you know, guys, I don't have it. I don't, I don't have a set. I don't material. You got to be in practice. If I had to, if I, if you want me to do, I have to sit down and

really construct something. You got to, it's, it's, so I say, I'll, I can give you a speech, I can maybe do a Q&A, because then I can improv a little, right, you can have some fun. That's the ticket. So that, that's what I'm willing to do. And I'll do that still anytime. No, I only quit a year ago. Yeah. And I get same thing. I get offered and I'm like, you don't understand. You have to be in practice. It's like saying, want to play quarter, back next week after you haven't in a year. Now, that may be okay for Philip Rivers. He did it.

He did. But for most of us, it's just, no, I have to be in shape. I have to have an act. I have to know my act. I can't just, and I'm not going to just half ass it and walk on stage. But you're right. The Q&A thing solves that problem. Yeah.

You know, just have somebody interview me and. And have fun. Well, have fun. And, you know, funny. And it generally works because the audience is interested to hear Yeah, and funny lines will come out. Totally. It's just not stand-up.

That's a whole different thing, and it's, to me, the highest level. Yeah. So because it's the highest level, don't ask me to do it unless I'm in shape to do it. So you started when you were still in the military? Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah, I got to New York. That is not the typical.

No, no. I started when I was... What rank were you? I was a captain. I was a captain at the time. A captain in the Marines, going out to comedy clubs. That's amazing. Yeah.

In uniform. No, no. I'm kidding. Although it would have set you apart. I mean, I had the high and tight haircut. I didn't know what they thought of me, you know, but... Did you tell them about that? No.

It wasn't part of Iraq? It wasn't. It really wasn't. You're too modest about that. Yeah, I didn't do that. But I did the Uprice Citizens Brigade. I found them. I started doing stand-up.

I didn't like it. It wasn't what I thought it was going to be. I wasn't any good at it. The guy that was, I took a class at Stand Up New York on the Upper East Side, or excuse me, comic strip live on Upper East. And he was three jokes per minute, set-up punch, set-up punch, set-up punch. That's how we do it. I said, well, I grew up watching Nettie Murphy and I want to be a storyteller.

And then-ed-de-thead-per-minute. Set-up, set-punch, set-ep punch. So I tried to write five minutes to set up punch, set a punch, set a punch, set a punch. This is not how I do it. I'm not, you know, I don't do that. So I wrote shit material, and that was my first set. And I got up and I did it. I hated it.

I hated the whole experience. I had more stage fright than I ever anticipated because it felt like I was in a car accident. I felt like I was in shock. When I was done, I actually tried to run out of the theater. I didn't hear any laughter. And so I was stepping on any laughter there was because I just wanted to get over the five minutes but this is my first time ever and as I was heading out of the comic strip of the guy goes hold on a second and handed me my VHS tape that

they make of you and when I got home and my adrenaline had cooked off I put the tape in and it wasn't that bad it wasn't as bad as I thought it was still shit it was garbage but I it wasn't as bad as I remember well with your background I remember David Brenner remember David Brenner yeah of course he was great and he had a great career and he was a great guy and I remember him talking about he was a producer for years before he became a stand-up comic, and he grew up on the mean streets of Philadelphia, and his explanation to comedy was,

well, you know, when you walk down the street, and you know that any time somebody could walk out some from anywhere and hit you over the head with a baseball bat, comedy is not that scary. I can't imagine that it isn't somewhat the same for you. Comedy couldn't have been scarier than the military. It wasn't. It wasn't scarier than... certain things but it was scarier on another level like I say scarier yeah scarier

I'm always right Rob you have to understand it just takes me a minute but I'm right it's it's a different kind of fear there's a different kind of fear it is a different kind of it's a different kind of fear that's all but the it's still real and it's very real and it still paralyzed me because I hadn't been exposed to that yet I hadn't faced that demon down yet and so when it happened to me I was I was really kind of not disgusted with myself, but shocked by how afraid I was. For something that doesn't actually hurt you, either physically or if you're strong enough emotionally, it is amazing how hard it is for people to even imagine how awful it would be,

to stand in front of a room full of people who are rejecting you in every way. I mean, sometimes it's just by not making any noise. Sometimes it's like... It's their facial expression. It's just, you just know you're not connecting. Their arms. Yeah, right. I mean, all the cues are there that I don't approve of you.

Well, it's just, you know, laughter is involuntary. That's the great thing about it and the harsh thing about it. It's involuntary. So when you get it, you know it's real. You can't fake it. That's why it satisfies it so deeply. The biggest stars in the world I've seen, like back in the day when I used to introduce Rodney Dangerfield, for example. He was a giant star.

He would go on stage at Catch Your Rising Star, and of course the crowd would go nuts when he walked on stage. Two minutes in, if you're not actually making them laugh, they're looking like him exactly like you're talking about Mr. Nobody, just like, I'm sorry, but I can't fake this laugh. I could for a minute because you're Rodney Dangerfield. And then I just can't. It's just not in the human being to do it.

Right. You know, so if you're not saying something, and that's what we kind of want. We love the honesty. Yeah. I think stand-up is the purest art form because it is you, the comedian. Right. It is a microphone. Absolutely.

And it is an audience. There's no directors, no producers, no writer besides yourself. There's no body armor. And there's nobody's going to come and save you. Right. No one's going to, you know. It is a high wire act, and it is also, it's so pure. Because when you are winning, it's the greatest feeling on earth.

I think we can agree we are the best kind of people. I think we can. Somebody who gets it, finally. Thank you, Rob. We are the best kind of, we are. I mean, we are doing the thing that is mono-a-mano. Yeah. You know, again, no armor, no protection, no help from the wings, no technology involved.

Right. No technology involved. You know what? Technology, we use electricity. Okay, you got me on that one. The mic is plugged in. But that's why it's so clear. Although once in a while I have said,

is this on? Which I did my first night. I did. I think we've all said. Oh, God. I think it was, I don't know. I was cooking on something. Just, I just wanted off that stage so bad.

And then I found the UCB. I ran into Dave, Keckner, who was a friend of a friend, and he said, well, what are you doing? Because I was like, I'm trying to do comedy. I gave up flight school to do this. And now I'm, you know, I think I made a big mistake because I went and did it. I hated it. And he's like, well, have you thought about improv? I was like, oh, they don't have an improv scene here. You know, they had Chicago City Limits over there by scores. And, you know, that was it. And it was short for him, which I didn't understand, you know, and I'm not good at singing songs or whatever. So I was like, I don't

He goes, no, no, it's long form like they do with Second City in Chicago. It's good stuff. It's the UCB. It turned out to be Amy Poehler, Matt Walsh, Ian Roberts, and Matt Besser. So I was like, oh, okay, well, these guys are, you know, I went and saw their show, and I was blown away. I was like they're making this up. I felt like it was scripted, you know, that's how good it was. So then I started taking classes there.

Did their whole program for years when I was on the Daily show, John Oliver and I shared an office, and he's a great stand-up. So he said, come with me, let's go do some clubs. And I was like, I don't know. I tried to beg off and he wouldn't have it. So I went and I was like, I don't have anything. And you did one year on SNO? Yeah, yeah.

There's quite an impressive roster. Of one years? Yeah. Yeah. There is. I'm not saying that the roster of people who actually were on SNL for a while and became stars. And there isn't also very impressive, very.

Yeah. I mean, I have no love for SNL for different reasons, but I can't ever try to front and say that the pipeline of comedy into movies and culture from SNL has been nothing. There's just no precedent for it. There's nobody ever, like, dominated a field as much. Yeah, you get off the floor on the 17th floor at 30 Rock. That's where the offices are. Yeah.

And they have cast photos starting to say. It's just amazing. And then they have singular head shots all the way down the hall of every cast member. And I remember walking, you know, when I first got there, seeing all the cast, you know, I was like, oh, my God, I remember those. I remember that cast, I remember that cast. And you start walking down the hallway, you're like, oh, my God, this is everybody I've ever watched. It feels like my whole life.

Yes, and it is. But it's also the case that the people that they didn't know how to use, it's also a rather impressive roster. Yeah. So what is your memory of that year? Why didn't it work out? Listen, I had it as a goal of mine for years. I just made that decision a long time before.

I won't bore you with the story, but it was something I decided while I was in flight school that I was going to try to do this. Now, flight school, you were going to be a terrorist. No, I was going to be a naval aviation. Okay. Well, so you. say yeah I had my pot of slices I can fly but anyway I wanted to be on SNL it was a dream

of mine when it finally happened I was incredibly grateful and I was so I'm always grateful for that year I had on the show what year was it 2004 2005 and here's the thing I was the only guy that's what I like you think I was on that year who were you with oh it's a big cast let's place this I was the only I was the new The only new guy hired on a cast of, I think it was 15. 15? Yeah. Like who?

Amy Poehler, Tina Faye, Rachel Dratch, Maya Rudolph, Seth Myers, Will Forte, Horatio Sands, Keenan Thompson, Finesse Mitchell, Daryl Hammond was there. Gosh. Very, very talented people. There was a good... Very talent. Yeah. It's a giant...

And I'm leaving somewhat out, I know, but... Of course. That is a giant pool of talent. Yeah. Okay. And I was the only guy hired that year, so I didn't have anybody in my, quote, freshman class. Why didn't they like you? I don't know if they didn't like me as much as what...

Well, they got ready here. Here's what it was explained to me. Here's what was explained to me. And I'll take it because it helps me sleep in night. But in two... In election years, late night TV, especially SNL, gets a huge bump. Right. Because everybody tunes in to see the first.

fake debates and you know right yeah that particular election it was bush carry nobody cared yeah nobody cared nobody tuned in will feral wasn't there anymore doing bush right it was little forte and and it was set Myers as carry and for whatever reason nobody tuned in and so the from what I understand the executives at NBC you're hit the panic button and they cleaned house and so I was the last one in first one out that sounds exactly like how show business works. So I took him at face value when they said that, you know.

Because I didn't have one of the producers call me after the fact and say, hey, Rob, you know, you had a good year, but here's what, here's what, I think, here's what happened. Okay.

So I was like, I took him. I believe him. All right, Colonel, well, thank you for your service. One more thing for you. I haven't done this in a while, but it was always my favorite thing to do. This are a pile of New Yorker cartoon.

Do you read the New Yorker? I have in the past. I don't, but the cartoons are awesome. Yeah. They have two things in there. Forty thousand word articles about electricity and really funny cartoons. Yeah. Okay, I'm kidding.

That's a great publication. Over 30 years, I cut out the cartoons that I thought were really funny. So these go back 30 years. Oh my gosh. Maybe I was wrong at times, but at the time I thought they were all fun. It struck you. So here's my bit. You pick up one, you describe it,

and then you read the caption. Now, if you don't describe it well, the caption's not gonna land. Okay. You see what I'm saying? Okay, I'm with that. All right, so you do one and I do one. Or you want me to do one first?

Yes. Okay, okay, I'll do, I got, oh no, that's too big. It was like a, okay. All right, here's, uh. I love it. I love that it already got you. This is a guy, just a normal guy,

talking to his normal wife in the middle of their living room, and he's holding an envelope in one hand and a piece of paper another, and like this, and the caption is, I've been selected to pay another electricity bill. Okay. This is why I like cartoons, and many people don't. They're just kind of, they're very subtle. I like it.

I've been selected to pay another, electricity bill. You see? Okay. Okay. Well, there's one on the other side too. Oh, there is? You have a double. You've got a choice. Look at that. That's the Daily Double. That's the Daily Double.

Okay. There is a man at a restaurant, lots of paintings on the wall. It almost looks like Sardi's on Broadway, kind of. Okay. There appears to be a Truman Capote looking gentleman or woman, I can't tell. reading the menu and a waiter getting ready to take the order. And it says, I'll have the weirdos lunch.

Let me see if you got that correctly. Well, okay, Truman Capote. Look at the glasses. Look at the round face. He has like, his head is an egg. Look at the hair. It has no hair. Right.

There's a button up there somewhere. There's a thing. It's like an egg with little dark sunglasses and a sprout coming out looks like a corn crop out of his head. Right, he doesn't look like human. And where are you saying?

Sardis. Sardis all the paintings on the wall. There's three paintings and you don't even see what's in them. I think I'd think I've got nailed it. I feel like I nailed it. Thank you, Bill.

This was such a pleasure. Wanted to do it for a long time. I have too, and I really appreciate letting me come on. Oh, anytime. It was really nice to meet you. Did we miss any plugs? No, no. I got a book, so thanks for mention that.

Oh, yeah, let's do it that again. Rob Riggle. Grit spit and never quit. The whole book is about how he gets to tell the world, fuck you, because I serve my country. All right, thank you, Thank you so much, man. It was a pleasure to be to you.

It was so much fun. Do you have to go, now do you have to go do real time? Not well tomorrow, but I got to go work on it now.