Club Random with Bill Maher - Rob Schneider | Club Random with Random

Episode Date: August 22, 2022

Bill Maher and Rob Schneider randomly riff on Jay Leno’s early advice to Rob, Rob’s bad behavior during his sitcom career, why Rob moved to Arizona, how Bill and Rob have both been the butt of jokes on other shows, their mutual love of Team America, Rob’s stint as a nightclub owner in LA, Rob’s big complaint about Patton Oswalt, and what Bill will call his memoirs. 

The staff tells me that you are already on fire. That's what they, I have been hearing, but they're, God bless you. Hey, I gotta tell you, I have more cameras here than I feel like I'm at the Chinese Embassy, baby, let's go. And now I feel like, we have camera, all of you, we have evidence. Now you tell us all your early jokes on the A.D.

You know what? Ever since you couldn't play other nationalities, I stopped working. Oh yes. You can't play other nationalities anymore. You did a few of those, did you? Yeah, because, you know, if my mom's agent makes me an agent,

because they give a shit, they do. I know. It's so funny you mentioned it, because the editorial I am doing this Friday on Real Time is about how casting directors go back to being casting directors and cast the person who's best for the role and not whether they're profile as a person, a real life person matches the role. Tom Hanks says he wouldn't do Philadelphia today because he's not gay and the character is.

It's called acting. Yes, you're supposed to be able to play people, you are not. That was the whole point of it. Exactly. Why do you think actors want to be actors? Because they don't want to be themselves. What happened though is that there's a creep that's happened, which is I think you may have noticed it.

There's a creep of like trying to make the work better. I want it to work out there, man. Trying to make the world better and making it way worse. By such pussies about everything. And I can't even at the, even at the hotel. I get wherever the hell I'm staying. They don't even tell you what kind of shampoo it is anymore. They don't say what flavor or whatever, you know, whatever.

Why? It just says, not test the non-animals. Oh. And as if, and I'll tell you the truth, I don't care. I'll tell you another one. Well, I do care about that. I want you to test the non-animals. I mean, don't be an asshole about it.

Don't shove a bottle of the bottle. I'm up to business. I'm up to Peter Board members. So you, so you, so you, you just struck on the last thing that I'm ever gonna agree with. I'm just saying, if you are, if you have a shampoo company,

and let's say you have a lizard, it doesn't have to be, put a couple of drops of shampoo in his eyes and if the lizard dies, let's come up with another shampoo. That's all, I know it doesn't hurt me. I can hate you and the joke that you made. Also appreciate that that is a good joke. I can do both because I have a bicameral mind. That's good.

You know, that's the problem. Yes. We are so polarized as you talked about with Jay. You know what Jay, you know what I mean? You pull the right thing. If it's like, you know, you can't even, anything else. And then he comes down here.

Those are his two moves. Jay's guy. You know, I am up here and in there. And you go down here. And you come back to me. I used to love his segues on the today show. You know, like to be told about the sitcom or whatever then. And here you go.

You collect toy trains. I was like, what? I remember like being on the show, Captain Ross finally, after like my fifth appearance on there, whatever with Jay, she said, stop waiting for Jay, just keep going. And that was the best advice. Well, but Jay, I know, is one of the greatest people.

I mean, I don't understand this animosity. No, because I'm just happy. I mean, and I hate to, you can't believe there's jealousy and stand up, is that what you're saying? Well, I guess in, not stand stand up but in getting the crown plum talk show you know i mean i'll sure and you know i don't know why jimmy and kronin who i both himself on the but i don't want to be in the middle of this but i mean i just don't know why they they seem to hate

us but it is and he said to carcass he has there's not one person that j hasn't helped you mean literally i drove in one of my first things i ever did like in the early eighties He has, there's not one person that Jay hasn't helped. I mean, literally, I drove him. One of my first things I ever did, like in the early 80s, I had a manager, of course, and he said, you're gonna pick up Jay Leno. You're gonna know, you even know the San Francisco, like the back of your hand, you take the Thomas guide,

that was the thing, the Thomas guide. I remember. You take him and you take the Thomas guide, you know what, you have a sign at the airport, you pick up Jay, you're gonna take him to the radio show, then you take him to the club, and then whatever he, whatever Mr. Leto needs, and so I did it.

What year is this? This is like 1983, 1984. I think that was just when he was doing like, hey, on the Letterman show, hey, let me tell you, what's your beef, Jay? Hey, let me tell you my beef. I tell you one thing right now. I tell you, I got a beef, Jay.

Let me tell you, Dave, and he would murder. He would murder. He would murder. Murder, absolutely. Nobody ever did talk to your spots, quite like Rodney. He had material. Rodney did, but Rodney would just do another six minutes. Johnny would say nothing, and they'd make a joke about that.

But Leno killed him. I mean, that's what got him the tonight show. Oh, yeah, well, he took that as the opportunity that it was. And a lot of people come on there and try to be smart, whatever. Yeah. He said, this is my first minute. And I'm gonna murder.

I'm gonna murder commercial and come over. Yeah. Yeah. And he did. Like, he was a guy, like, I remember, I mean, he was so nice. And he said, you know, when he good Chinese, right, it's not that damn, you know, I said, yes, Mr. Leno, because I was a San Francisco kid.

My mom's Filipino. We were, every Sunday, we went to this place, not to the fancy place, but we used to drive by the fancy place where the politicians would go. And they go, my dad would go, that's the place the fancy people go, this is just as good. We're gonna go, it's just as good, Chinese food, it's even better.

Let me tell you what, it's not as fancy, we're not fancy. My dad always considered the temple. Like, it's a fashion show. We don't need to go to temple, it's a fashion show. We don't need to go to temple. It's a fashion show. And so, we went to the, I said, Mr. Lennon, that's the best place. He says, yeah, come on in, yeah, we can't,

he kept me, oh, don't eat by me, so if we don't eat by, and he finally said, so were you comedian? And I said, yes, Mr. Lennon, and he said to me, how much time you got? And I said about eight minutes, he said good. You know, most people I ask how much time you get, I got six hours, I can do six hours,

I got two hours of clean, two hours of dirty. I got in. And I was like, you know, who would need to hear six hours of comedy material? You, they have 20 minutes to kills every time, every where you go. You got to. That's all you need to.

You got to have five minutes to kills every time, every where you go. Oh, you have nothing. And they said, you don't need 20 minutes to become a star. And truthfully, I worked after that dinner, I lunch with him. I worked my ass off to get five minutes.

And like a couple of years later, I got on Letterman doing that five minutes. And truthfully, me, Spade, Rock, Sandler, never had more than 20 minutes. And the thing also about Jay is, like, he would always bend over backwards if there was some sort of a beef to try to end it. Like, people would fuck him over over and he would call them.

I know. He just don't understand where this is. I was having a problem at NBC and he took me to science. I was a kid. I was doing men behaving badly. And I literally was, I was out of my fucking mind. I've been therapy now, dealing with stuff I shit a devil 20 years ago.

I'd be able to buy a place like you have to. Like what? No, but I had a problem uh... with with an nbc like because i hated doing the sitcom was called men be hating that i remember i fucking hated the fact that we have all these episodes from anglund their hilarious let's just do those and they promised me they do that and they took them over here and they watered them down and i listened to your you know to warn little field to promise me

we're gonna make it justice funny blah blah blah anyway so i was performing with a shirt that said performing under protests, you know, all the people were the writers laughing at their own shit. And then Jay said, hey, listen. You gotta figure out a way to make that thing work for you. You know what I'm saying?

You don't think they can get another G-Line or they get another G-Line out tomorrow. You know, they get another time cruise. They get another time cruise in a week. I mean, in two weeks, because it's top-fucking cruise. But you know, everybody else, you know, so you gotta find a way. And I talked to you in a week I mean two weeks because it's Tom fucking cruise, but you know what else? You know so you got to find it and I was like just a hint to take the time. Yeah, of course I didn't listen to but if you were just taking the time I mean it's just the greatest. I want to know about these

Things that you could have paid a house for in therapy. Oh, yeah. No, no, no, no I pissed off so I fucked up so badly What do you mean? No, I just like, what happened was, I didn't realize what I was saying. You're a household name. Oh, thank you. But no, I shouldn't have. But I mean, like when you think about

all the people you started with, I mean, I always think about it like the military. You know, we went into battle with a thousand guys and like a lot of them are dead. Who can you add? No, not dead really, although some of that too, but you know, just dead and they never, you know your robsnider i mean god blessed you know can you can i have another thing jaylonne will tell me

you know i get these guys call me up you know he's they you know i'm sorry to jay but i just listen to your back it's easy easy said like you know i can do it i can't you know the only one i can do it he's he's he's got his call me up and he said hey listen jay can you put me on for five minutes and I said, how was it gonna help you? He said, it's like, you're 40 years old.

You got only got five minutes, you haven't really knew I could. Now you're fat. Yeah. So, but what I happen to me, which I'm realizing now through fucking therapy that I can finally afford and have the time to do. So you do go to therapy?

I do now, yeah. Was that, I was raised by people who were very wounded. I was raised by people too. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. It's amazing how that works. No, my parents, like my mother, half her family was killed by the Japanese and World War II.

And so like, I can't travel without food with me and it took this, you know, where who was killed by the Japanese? Both my uncles. Both my uncles. One was beheaded. And the other one, your mother's where who was I? Who was killed by the Japanese? Both my uncles. Both my uncles. One was beheaded. And the other one, your mother's?

Your mother's? Your mother's Japanese. My mother's Filipino. A Filipino. Oh, and the Japanese invaded the Philippines. Yes, it did. Right. Maybe you heard about that.

Well, first of all, Pearl Harbor started the whole thing. Don't trust anyone under 40 to understand even what century world that's who happened. I know it is. So we got, if we want to get the full audience here, I mean, kids, uh, world were two. It happened after the Middle Ages. Yes. Okay.

It was the one with Hitler before Bieber. Uh, yes. I think what kids don't understand about world were two is like, they don't get why Hitler had Japan or sort of on the same side. Yes. Kids don't understand that world where two is like they don't get why Hitler Or you on the same side. Yes, and frankly me to you know, I don't I was student it was very club random at the time It was like wait, I'm evil and you're evil. So we're just gonna be able to get it And really but the plan was just like when Hitler with ribbon drop, you know, it was just like, right, we're going to, you know, I will, I will kill you eventually right right now.

Let's just take out the polls and get this thing started. Let's back up to the kids who don't know who have on ribbon drop. Okay. So the Nazis and the Soviet Union made a pact in 1940. The, uh, uh, on ribbon drop pack and they decided to cut Poland right in half. And as a matter of fact, that's all the Stalin wanted. After we'll work to... He wanted half of Poland, and Germany got the other half of Poland.

During them all the time when you had Churchill and what was left of Roosevelt at the time, which is basically where Biden is now, what was left of Roosevelt, and you had, and then all that stone was there, was like, I just want, I just, you know, I just want the same amount of Poland that Hitler gave me, and then, what a surprise I got! Who knew I was gonna get Czechoslovakia? Hungary, it was so at half of Germany, forget about it, what a day!

Anyway, you were killed by the Japanese. No, not you. My mother's brothers. Yeah, my mother. We're Philippine. Oh the Japanese invade in 1941 42 42 yes, 42 right and they just they came in this is people might remember Douglas MacArthur saying I will return He will return and they did two takes when he came off the boat because the first one that's right He came right off and some him right now. It's not like the news reel. Yes, the news reel. Right.

He walked off the lane, the ship, and he went right in the drink, and then he said, we gotta do it again, and we're losing the light. And also, I think I have another one in me, I wanna try a few things. Yeah, let me just, first of all, this is my better side.

Can somebody light my fucking cigar? Jesus Christ. My, or his pipe or whatever. I think it was a pipe. But so anyway, so that's. I'm gonna improvise. So that's what, so that's kind of like a my mother's side. And then my father's side.

My father was also very melancholy. His father committed suicide. So I just I'm raised from like in playing my grandfather your grandfather. Your grandfather. My grandfather who came you know Came over from the old days. It was one of those things where you found out he was like three years older than he was when he was like You know, where did he come from? He came over from

Well, it was pressure at that time pressure sure Pressure is part of its Eastern Germany. It's where Berlin is yes Berlin is in pressure pressure was a country of its own in the 19th century before Germany was united. Did I have to tell you kids? Go to class. Tarnopol was where he was from. He came over and he didn't realize, and this is a guy who could barely read and write, but he can read the newspaper and he would do it.

So he had literally a bar barber shop, he cut hair, right next to the Fox Theater on 7th Street in San Francisco, right off Market Street and had a good life for himself. And then when he retired, he realized that like he realized he went to the bank and realized there was nothing in there. He didn't understand that my mother, Molly Hoffman,

Ha Hoffman Schneider had taken that money and invested in real estate and some other had a little jewelry store. And so he just thought they were broken, got really depressed. Like I did all this for that. Hallelujah. And then he went to my dad's and then he said, you know, I can't live with your mother. She blew all our money. Baba, Baba.

And he said, look, I got up right back just hanging out and then he, he might dad came back and then my grandfather, off themself. I hate to bring this show to a screeching wall. So how did the Japanese get to pressure? So, so the Japanese came in by the way, the Japanese, you know, whenever you invade some place, you are the liberators. But why? Yes. Well, the Filipinos, because like, you're fellow Asians and we're liberating you because you're asshole Americans. I mean, we invaded Iraq and to the other three and we said we were liberators. They didn't see it that way.

They didn't. It's funny how that works. No. Conkers. Right. I mean, it's a little liberation. We got damn Romans. I mean, whereas the Austrians pretended that Hitler conquered them,

but really when Hitler marched into Vienna, oh yeah, the Austluts. It was not exactly, it was not exactly the disastrous day that they would like to present. You don't bring, would they're an invasion? I've seen the film. You don't throw flowers at the tanks when they're coming in and say these are the bad guys.

So you have that, that's kind of the... So, but here's my real question. Like, so all this bad should happen in your past, I mean, your family's past. Yeah, so, but that... What do you give a fuck? What do I give a fuck? No, the truth is, why are you just affecting you today?

Because you're a celebrity, you live in Hollywood. I know, no, no, I'm a move to Arizona. I'm a move to Arizona. I moved to Arizona. I moved to Arizona. I couldn't take this fucking. I don't know how you guys do it. How much more in California take is like you got homeless people on the lawn.

Do you have to have them move into your house, finger your wife. At what point do you say, I'm fucking out of here. Well, that's why I never got married. Speak is the thought of homeless people fingering my wife. You're the first one to be called. Well, you know, first of all, maybe I'm looking at this all wrong. No. No, the homeless, we're having a huge homeless problem or a gigantic camping success story.

We have to look at a black way. You know, the 10 companies are killing it right now, Bill. I know. I drive through this town. And like, especially when I'm out of town coming back from the airport, I always go with this route through, you know, Burbank Airport and then like Calcutta. The underpass looks like Woodstock 99. I know, it's still.

It's just, it's, it's the ACLU that did it. The ACLU, they fucked, well basically the cities capitulated to the lawsuits and they said we don't want it, we don't have the money, we're not going to fight this fact and like, and so then you had, you couldn't kick them out or more. And so that's what happened. A common theme of mine, besides marijuana use. I'll have it here. Is, oh really, you want to tell me.

Let's mix it up baby, come on. Hey, you're all right, you're okay. I made the first thing I met Rodney. Hey, I got a couple of girls in some blow. You want to hang out? Come on man, I smoke every day of girls with some blow. You want to hang out? Come on man. I smoke every day. The only reason I'm still alive.

Let's do Rodney and let him together. Well, Rodney, when she passed the blow, I let him like, as you know, there's a guy over here with a shnauz that would like a little... Hey, let me tell you, get your own shit. You know what I'm saying? Well, they just stuff expensive. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I thought I'd manage you. I think I'm gonna write it in a model, huh? Okay, but... You got to be, yeah, I love I'm gonna write it on a monologue. Okay, but no. You got to be, I love Jay, but Jay did get to the point where he was, the monologues were 25 minutes to interviews with 30 seconds. But he's an amazing monologue writer. No, he's an amazing joke writer.

I mean, every bit he had, when I opened for him, me and Dana Carvey, the great legend, Dana Carvey, the most talented guy'd ever come out of San Francisco. This guy, we both opened for him in like the mid 80s. And then at the Palace of Fine Arts, like one of those New Year's crazy shows where you'd make like a thousand dollars if you were an opening.

It's like, geez, that was crazy. And then, and Jay Leno will come in and whatever. Every, we'd have our killer bits. We couldn't wait to get to. And then every joke that Jay Leno had was killer. Exactly. And then he will... He also knew how to get into it in like three seconds, which was, I was so jealous of because when you're an unknown, it's so hard to like break the ice, warm up the crowd.

I was hated it. And I like, oh, God, it's going to take five minutes before they're like, who's this fucking guy? Whereas Jenna, Jenna,on was always like, I think the one I said to him when he was here was like, Hey, you see the baby? You see the... And he's already like home almost. I see Buddy Epson, Muhammad Ali is gonna come out every time and he's fighting Buddy Epson.

But he is like an engine in that way. We're like, you know, you have these guys, they have their moves and they've been doing it so long and they just become impenetrable after a while. And he's one of those guys. Well, I was talking about, I always forget what we're talking about, but it was something I was very interested in, something with you and the Japanese. Well, the Japanese and the war.

What happened? Gabor Mate told me this, Dr. Gabor Mate. No, why is it still in your, why is it still affecting your psyche? Because, no, what happened is that does transfer from the parents to the kid. And I didn't realize that, because I said I always travel with food, it's because my mom's starved during the war.

And so that can be. And your mom's starved during the war. Yeah, and I know that is. That's the thing, whatever problems we're having in the United States, people don't realize. But you look great. But they don't realize that this really isn't. These are these problems

that we have. Like we don't, this isn't a civil war. We are not in a civil war. We have. But it may be very soon. Well, if the Democrats continue to try to imprison people, then then there's nothing that there's nothing separating us from us. of the bottom-on-one thing. Well, I mean, if someone broke the law plainly like trying to undo a fair election, they deserve to be in prison. Well, let's go back to Nixon, the last progressive president we ever had. Nixon put in the EPA. Of course, I know all this. Okay, Ty, I mean, I wouldn't.

Yeah. So Nixon, what had to happen was that it was true. Forced sacrifice is own political career and it's own presidency by saying, we gotta stop this shit and stop this attack and move on. And like Nixon himself, we went when, you know, it was very obvious. As soon as they lost the presidential election 1960,

Nixon and his, you know, his advisors were like, we can fight this, we know that they cheated in Chicago, that dead people were voting. And he said the transfer of power is more important. Exactly. And that is the key. Exactly. That is the key. That's why, yes, Nixon made a sacrifice in 1960. Al Gore, 40 years later, made it was all. Yes, he did. Absolutely. Okay. And let's not even talk about Tilden. Tilden? Because I'm still pissed about Tilden.

Okay. You know who Tilden is? I'm blanking on it. 1876 by first. Oh, yes, that's the first time the guy did not get the presidency after winning the popular vote. Okay, right. Tilden. Okay, right. Okay.

Kill them. God damn it. But you look at President Johnson after Lincoln. Let's go back. Now, this guy, he wanted to follow through with what Lincoln wanted, which was to not penalize the South, and they crucified him. And it was the Northerners who did want to penalize them. I'd have to look at that history again.

And they impeached him. And he saved it by one vote. There was one vote that prevented him from losing the presidency. We are supported by signal wire. Have you checked out the sci-fi show Westworld on my favorite network, HBO? They present a picture of the future where technology would make unprecedented communication experiences possible, like robots that are indistinguishable from humans. They look, talk, and act just like anyone else, or as I like to call them senators.

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Go to signalwire.com slash random. These are club cigarettes, by the way. Yeah, here. Step up to the cool, refreshing, refreshing, straist of... But I will say that, I mean, I feel like I was dumber than all the guys, all the smart people at SNL, but at least I had some, some assemblance of history that I can understand. Some basic...

Well, then you should understand how unprecedented it is what Trump has tried to do. And it is exactly what you're talking about. The peaceful transfer of power is the jewel in our crown as a democracy. It's not separate us. It is. It's so many countries in the world have not been able to get this right. The idea that we would have elections and then go,

okay, I hate your fucking guts, but you know what? I'm going to paste on a smile, and I'm going to walk over to the White House. Whether I mean, I'm going to invite you to the White House, even though I lost, and I'm gonna walk over to the White House, whether I mean, I'm gonna invite you to the White House, even though I lost and I'm giving up this great palace because that was, well that's what that. And that is what Trump has fucking broken and thrown to the floor. Well, I will say that he seems to have narcissistic tendencies

and not 100% sure. That's too right. Well, let me just tell you though. I mean, you George, let's go back because there's been an ugliness throughout our history. There has, but a difference in degree is not a difference in kind.

This is a difference in kind. The guy who says on tape, you have to find me 11,000 votes. That guy has to go to jail. The guy who says, just send electors who are fake to January 6th. That guy has to be in jail. The guy who says, sir, they're going to hang Mike Pence. Good. He deserves it. That guy has got to go to jail. Well, this is a also... I know it's trouble. So you can't, what I believe

we should do. First of all, also representative Lewis, okay, who was a, John Lewis? Yes, this is a guy who is a civil rights hero. I'm sure. This is a guy who got beaten. This is a guy who stood up. But at the same time, when, when Trump became president, it was a travesty to not accept him as president. That was a, that's a, they never accept anybody. No, but it's an accepting bomb. But that's one thing to say. Accepting someone is not the same thing as contesting the election. It is because it's telling people who are not as smart as you, yes they have. But, but, but that is different to go publicly and say that I do not accept him as this and to start this whole bullshit whole bullshit of this whole Russian collusion thing, which is,

but let me just say this, the thing about power, what makes... Should either, but... Well, the thing about power and what makes a great leader is people who step away from the power. When George Washington was asked, would you be king? Great, Rob, listen to yourself.

People who have the dignity to step away from the power like George Washington, gosh, who can I think of who doesn't have that exact quality of being able to step away from the power? Yes, well that is a detriment. Oh, who, God damn it, I can't think right now. Determine to his. Somebody recently, I know it's recent,

I can't think of the name. That is a detriment to his legacy. From a great real estate. Slump, oh, okay. But a great real estate. Slump. Oh, okay. But let's talk about your psychological issues. Am I speaking? Dr. Goodborn, my name is Dr. Goodborn.

See if I see if by the end of this. You should read the book. We can connect your psychological issues and get you back to not thinking. Well, I will say this. I mean, I'm always gonna take, I'm high right now. I'm always gonna take the position

of the underdog, no matter what. And the people in power, which happens to be. Well, that's silly. No, no, no, not always. I mean, what if the underdog is wrong? Well, I'm not talking about, I'm not talking about, but I'm saying like the people in power, the people that are not in power, I think it's important to attack what is in power. And like the difference is, here's my problem with the way it is. Both Democrats and Republicans, it's very simple. And it goes back to like, Nomschomsky, which he says this, Nomschomsky's right about a lot of stuff.

Some, he was a little crazy about this, putting people in prisons who were in vaccinated. That was very far left. It's very lunacy. However, he did say like Americans are allowed to discuss very vociferously, very, very angrily, and they can have incredible arguments about a small number of issues. I agree. But you don't have them arguing about stuff that's of like foreign policy and like it

wars. But it's not interested. And they're not knowledgeable enough to even have the discussion. That's the problem, really is a problem really i mean they're not like us with the Von Tribune to a fun ribbon drop to me i mean i got two more of those i mean sleep can you see jay ladow and rodney talking about that there is problem dribbling double this guy that guy did not know how to wear a suit you know know what I'm saying? That's the one, is that quite a big thing? There isn't the eye in there? This guy really, he's like being a doer.

I tell you, at the parade the other day. Can't look in the wrong way. They're coming from the left to the right. This guy's looking from the right to the left, this guy. But I do think, I do think that there is, there's always been this ugliness in politics, but I just don't think it's become to the level of entertainment. Yes.

Trying to steal an election, no. Not conceding an election that you absolutely lost, that every court that you threw your ridiculous shit against said you lost. Republican secretaries of state who counted the votes said you lost. Republican secretaries of state who counted the votes said you lost. This is different. This is not ugliness, Rob, in politics. Yes, there's always ugliness, ugliness everywhere. This is a whole different kettle of fish. I don't get it where you guys who are, I mean, you're so sane, I think, on so many other things where you confront wokeness in the same way I do.

But I don't know what this affection you boys have for a dog from being. No, it's not necessarily that. But it goes past rationality. And you should check yourself on that with your psychiatrist. With your psychiatrist. Because it must go back to the fucking Philippine invasion.

It made, I'm sure that there's something in there. I first of all, you know, I'm one of the few people, I'm the only person you're ever gonna meet who made a movie with Donald Trump. First of all, let me just say that right now. He owned the, the, home alone too. He owned, he owned the hotel, and eventually we knew we're gonna have

to put him in the movie because- I made a movie with the Donald Trump local like. Donald Trump local. Yeah, what was Yeah, pizza man. In 1990, it was made on a budget of a half a million dollars. I was the pizza man. And it was all about how this pizza man was trying to get his just his $15 and 23 cents for the pizza.

And he uncovers his web of crime and it leads to all these lookalikes, Michael DeCalkis, anyone, and the big villain at the end is Donald Trump. We forget that he was like famous. I did a- People didn't hate him in New York at that time. I was at a party with Alec Baldwin and him at the SNL for the court. And it was like, and everybody seemed to be getting along.

Oh yeah. The thing about is like, here's what needs to happen. We cannot have, I mean, here's what I think would be better idea. Because people, this scrutiny that you must go through to become president or to be to run for high office and this is unbelievable. So I think you just take the most talented guys that there is and it's like a sentence. You got to do this for four years and we got to pick between those guys and they have no way out.

So you have to choose, well Elon Musk can't, can't win, but he's from South Africa. Big fan of him. But yeah, but I'm saying though, you do have, you know, just the way I believe about the presidential thing and the whole thing is if you want to be president, that should automatically disqualify you for running for that. But that's a catch 22 that we should never get around. We can't but why do we need these leaders all the time? We should I am against what's happening which is a consolidation of no here's my problem

I'm not a Trump supporter. We have to know that right now. I think he has I think at the end of the day, he was, what I wanna have is a fractured government and not having the powers of the executive branch, the executive branch running everything, which is what's happening now. You can't just make 125. You should have like, it's just like in football,

or baseball now. You get two referees, you throw the flag, and then that's the one you get, that's your executive order. You get two per year, and then you can't have 125. Now, why did you rise in your chair to make that point? I mean, that's your executive order. You get two per year and you can't have 125. Now why did you rise in your chair to make that point? I mean, that seems like a special one. I was just like, it's a big attack on me.

Why the, I love the glasses around it. What do you think about you? Is some reading here during the, I mean, I mean, this is, this is a nightclub. This is, this is club random. I'm fucking old. You're not gonna need glasses here. Okay, all right.

In fact, it's probably better if you don't see a lot of this stuff for you. I'm old, I'm fucking old. You're not gonna need glasses here. Okay, all right. In fact, it's probably better if you don't see a lot of this stuff. I'm old. Oh, you saw the dolphin thing? No, what were you? Put the glasses on and take a look. You and I. Holy shit, I do remember that. You and I did a sketch in the year.

San Francisco. 2000. Yes. Unpolitically incorrect. That's right. Because the big story in the day was Ellie and Gunzollars. Our Cuban boy who washed on shore. Yeah. incorrect. That's right. Because the big story in the day was Ellie and guns. I'm a Cuban boy who washed on shore. Yeah. I mean, people don't remember and I'm sure the young ones

you don't have any reason to know this. This would not be a story today. No one would give you shit. Oh, I think they would. You think they would. A Cuban kid. Okay. People don't remember. Yeah. I mean, people have been trying to get out of Cuba for the longest time because I think we would agree communism is evil. Yes. I would, I mean people have been trying to get out of Cuba for the longest time because I think we would agree communism is evil Yes, I would I've always said Ronald Reagan never was more truthful than when he said it's an evil empire communism is horrible. Yeah, so any of you kids who think it might be worth another try Yeah, read something about it. Okay, so this kid Ellie and Gonzales and his mother left Cuba Trying to make the 90 miles

to Miami, on a raft, on a rubber tire. The mother dies on the trip. Ellie on washes, on shore, he has relatives there who take them in like an uncle. They were a little bit of a sketchy family. And it became one of the first examples of like partisanship, like where, no, we're just not going to care about anything but what team we're on because they're Republicans who were always like the family value people. They were like, no, Cuba is evil, which it was the government.

So he should stay here because this is America. And America is the best place. And the Democrats were like, no, he should be with his father. He's still as a father in Cuba. and it turned out that was the right thing i mean cuba is a troubled place but it was better to be with the family who yeah okay but that was a very tough call for people so i played so politicized when you have family members murdered by castrow and you're in south florida and then the I mean, it just brings up these hot button things. But do you remember sitting on my lap?

Because I was in the, I was the dolphin that you rode to America on, and you were Ellie and Gonzalo. That's right, I had a teacher. Yes, I know that was. You believed we were ever that young. Can you believe that people, no one complained about the sketch either?

Why would they? Because they're not just saying everybody complains everything. Right. Or, and right, and you were playing someone who was not exact. Exactly what you are. I've got to have done the whole thing, but I didn't do it. How balls he was, Puccinos, just taking that choice. I'm going to do it for the whole movie.

For Scarf V, and I'm going to commit to it like I'm on it. You have to see that movie Scarface as a black comedy. Right? It's very similar, in my view, to Apocalypse Now. Yes. Apocalypse Now, which, you know, a great Vietnam movie, but it's not like Platoon. The tone is completely different.

It's a black comedy. Yes, Kubrick's movie too. And watch it. To a degree, yes. If you see Kubrick's full metal jacket. Full metal jacket. If you see it as a comedy, you will get more out of it. Miss a horny.

Yeah. Miss a horny. And then they'll make it. I'll show you a good time. I mean, that got into a song. Remember that? No, I know. By two live crew.

Do you remember two live crew? Yeah, I remember two live crew. The first rap I ever bought. That's when I knew I'd made it when Jay Z put me in. Me so tall, and he. Jay Z put me in a song back in like 2000 or whatever. Jay Z? Yeah, and it was so like, like, if it was big alone,

and I went, holy shit. Oh. That movie's like, holy fuck, that must have made. Oh, that one holds up. Thank you. They wouldn't let me do that again. I liked that like Amy Polar's embarrassing, she was ever in it, because you know,

she's, they would never have that, where someone has, or Disney made that movie, was someone as Tourette Syndrome Polar's embarrassed that she was ever in it because we you know she's they would never have that where someone has a Disney made that movie with someone as Tourette syndrome who's embarrassed? Oh Amy Polar I'm just embarrassed about what? Being in it that was her first movie role. Forgot to say it and I like I don't know she never talks about it that's her first role

she ever had. I just like she's embarrassed because I was so funny I was one of those fucking things you know just flipping the late night channels you don't think you're gonna get like a public fuck you from anybody you know and I was one of those fucking things, you know, just flipping the late night channels. You don't think you're gonna get it like a public fuck you from anybody. You know, and I was watching, and two of the girls, Gail O'Grady and Amy Polar, and they were watching their playing celebrity poker and I go, oh, they were both into Spigal,

and they start, and they, they, they announce what their credits were and none of them said my movie. What the fuck? Why do I watch TV? So listen to this, two times within one month this happened to me. I'm in bed like at night. And what I watch TV at the end of the day, that's my, you're not supposed to,

because your eyes, you know, but I was like, you're wearing blue. No, I mean, you shouldn't wear blue blockers because like the light is telling your body, stay up! And you're trying to go to sleep. But that's what I want to do at the end of the day. It's the most passive thing.

I don't want to read, I already read a lot. Okay, I want to watch TV. So yeah, I'm in bed, I'm ready to go to sleep. I was watching this show on Showtime. It was about Uber and the founding of Uber, called Super Pumped. Have you heard of it or? No, but I've taken a new one.

All right, it was with Joseph Gordon Levin, who was terrific. And okay, I was especially interested. It was an interesting subject because I know Travis Colonych, whatever his name is, who was the overfounder. He had a very dramatic rise and fall. They threw him out of his own company, you know. He was very brash and brilliant, but brash, blah, blah, blah. So I'm watching this and also I knew I wrote from reading the reviews that there was a

part in there because Ariana Huffington, my dear, one of my dearest friends for 30 years. Okay, had a part because she was on the board of Uber. She came in at a certain point, just kind of one of their saviors. So I was like, oh, and Uma Thurman is playing Ariana Huffington. And I'm like, oh, this is awesome. I can't wait to see somebody play Ariana and some waiting and she doesn't make an appearance to like the fourth episode of what she does.

Her first line is, she goes up to Travis, he's had a bad day and she's going, Travis, the bad boy of Silicon Valley. And he's like, please Ariana, I had a bad day. She's, oh, don't worry about it. I've had to have lunch with Bill Maher and Pat, you can't, like, had to have lunch. Like, you think one of my best friends in the world would say that?

And when you're sitting in bed, when did you go to sleep? And you're like, oh, I just want to drift off and then like, you want an ass. I ask, I'll be up for another two hours. It's so funny because I remember when the guys from South Park did an episode which was very funny. And I have to say, my friend from the Simpsons, Matt Selman said they could have been way meaner.

But they were like, I was like with a third movie that I'd done. Rob Schneider is an animal. Rob Schneider is a male prostitute. Rob Schneider is a whatever. So they said, Rob Schneider is a stapler. Rob Schneider is a carrot because sometimes a carrot and it was very funny.

And my friend Matt Selma from The Simpsons said, genius writer. He said, they could have been meaner. But I just remember like how people wanted that to hurt you You know they's like I did that you see you know, you know, I mean, they wanted that Absolutely did it did it make it did it bleed did it cut you exactly, you know, no I know No, and you know those guys look there is no bigger fan in the world of their movie that they did but the puppets Oh my god a team team America. Team America.

Team America is one of the greatest comedies ever made. It is really one of the greatest. It is brilliant on every level, and I have to give it up to those guys. And the fact that that's not the biggest movie makes me so fucking angry at the public. I don't really ever watch South Park A because I'm loyal to my boyfriend, South MacFarlane. And that's Pepsi Coke. Exactly. And I love my family guy. And that's Pepsi Coke, exactly. And I love my family guy.

I know people love it, and I'm sure it's very clever. And they're clever, and that movie is just genius. I can watch it every day. Incredible. But like, like, We ask Seth McFarlane, why he fucking put some, I get these fucking, every once in a while, some social media thing, like Rob Schneider, Strangles,

migrant farm workers in the shower, and Seth did that on on family guy one episode That's one of those sad even me. I don't understand but please ask Seth But that the whole point is like you're strangling farm workers But I don't get what the joke I will tell you it's it's something in one of their episodes And it's enough for like I've heard it so many times and people coming up me It's just one of those things I'm just pop culture enough where people go well that guy but you're not safe to go after but not just

Strangling migrants I want to know what the connection why I understand I don't know it But it's just one of those things like you have to just like okay, so anyway here's my here's my end of my story about the South Park guys, okay, so I was thinking about watching that show at one point. And then I read it, there's there during a playboy interview. And like, one of them says something like, kind of out of the blue, I mean, whatever the, I don't know, but the question was,

was where they're talking about their personal life. And he was like, well, I don't want to be in my 40s, like Bill Maher and still going to the Playboy mansion. I just remember thinking, trust me, asshole, when you're in your 40s. You're going to wish you were there. You're going to fucking wish you were there. As a matter of fact, one of the last people, people should know when you take returist shots, people in show business are sensitive. We all are. I know. And I'm sure I've done it to people. But when you do it, they notice. And it's not like there's not a ripple in that pond that goes out.

It's not like it doesn't happen. And it does, but the fact of the matters, we have to like be, we're super hypersensitive and we shouldn't be. Two guys, I'm doing a fucking show after this. We wouldn't be in this business. You have to have the hypersensitivity and a huge ego. You gotta have both. We wouldn't be in this business. You have to have the high-percent acidity and a huge ego. You gotta have both.

It's gotta be low self-esteem and a fucking giant ego for no reason to back it up. We're not normal. We're not. But like tonight, after the after here, I gotta go do a show on Melrose with two people. The fucking I know hate me. You know, Pat Naswald and this other comedian.

But they wrote a book and both the books they shit on me. And I was like, you know what, who I hate is not those guys as much as the friends who tell you, did you read that in the book? You know that friend who tells you? Okay, wait a second. What is the show and why do you have to do this? I don't know because Adam Coroll,

I mean, you do stuff to me. Adam Coroll reads that we do this gig for me. It's gonna be on Melrose and I said, yeah, you coming to town. What do you think on Melrose? It's at the improv, just come to a set and I said, absolutely, oh, it's gonna be on Melrose. And I said, yeah, you're coming to town. You're coming to town. You're gig on Melrose. It's at the improv, just come to a set. And I said, absolutely, I'll fuck up. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait Sharing the lead about plugging something, you're on something that people are going to hear. You're like trying to hide that.

Okay, I got a movie coming out. Yeah, so anyway, I'm doing this. So I got a movie coming out. So we had a girl he called me up. And he hit, what is the name of the movie? Daddy, daughter trip. Okay, where is this? It's the only, my wife won't let my kids see.

Where is this movie on? It's going to be just playing in Arizona to start. Oh, it's a theater mode. It's a theater mode. Okay. And then it's going to go out otherwise. So you're doing this thing on the other side to plug it? Well, I'm going, I went on Adam today.

Okay. Adam Crowell's show. And then I'm going to come into yours. And I'm doing some promotion to promote the movie coming up. And so he said, you come down to a set. I didn't know it was going to be like Pat Naswell all the time. Oh. Sarah Silverman. And I love Sarah. But like, I just, it down to a set. I didn't know it was gonna be like Pat Naswell all the time. Sarah Silverman. And I love Sarah.

But like I just, it was just a, right, you're with some super woke comedies. Yeah. And I don't need that shit. Sweetheart, I don't either. And I love Sarah. I don't know Pat Naswell, but Pat and I, he came after me once.

And then I saw him at a dinner. We patched it up. It was nice. He was, he had a... He should on me in his book. Yeah, he should on me once on Twitter. But like at this, yeah. And it's like the thing about it is like, he shouldn't.

But... Well, he should stop, like so many of the people in show business, stop being indoctrinated. You know what? There's liberalism, and then a lot of you are just fucking indoctrinated. Yes, and like, what a pussy this guy is. Let me tell you about Pat and I was well. Here's the thing that bothers me. Talk about whatever you want and like I get it and he's brilliant blah, blah, blah.

But he fucking took a picture with Dave Chappelle and fucking apologize for it. That is a pussy I hate. What a fucking pussy. I've never apologized for a fucking joke in my life and believe me. Why did the the the the Netflix especially did last time, they cut fucking, so they got 15 minutes out. 15 fuckers. Wait, wait, you have a Netflix special?

Okay, well, thank you. I came out two years ago, done a band. Okay, well, okay, I probably saw it, but two years ago. Two years ago, but I'm saying though, they cut the stuff out, you know, and it's a God bless them. They got their thing, but like,

there's some stuff that I wish they wouldn't of. The, the, but that's like, well, I must say, I'm not bitter, you can tell. stuff that I wish they wouldn't of. But that's like... Well, I must say... I'm not bitter, you can tell. I must say, they didn't do a very good job of promoting it. They didn't. Because I would have watched it. If I knew you had a special...

Oh, thank you. I would totally be there. Well, the only reason I didn't see that is because I never knew about it. Well, and that's not really on you. Well, I think that they just... Yeah, they have a lot of content. They get so big, they just, but they push their big guys.

Yes, the girls. But I like, I mean, the stuff that they cut out was the stuff that Chepell did in his, which is the same subject matter. I mean, I'm not taking away from Chepell, he's genius. You know, he's the, you know, of that generation, the best comedian for sure. You know, he came after us.

And really believe that or do you just have to say that? Yes. You do. I do. I mean, I'm a huge fan of his, but I also think people just, at some point, people just line up behind an opinion because it is the correct opinion. I think, well, I mean, I will say, I don't, I mean, there's a number of comedians, so I think are great, including myself. I think he, yes, absolutely. I just think there's a number of comedians who I think are great, including myself. He, yes, absolutely. I just did a special.

Your last special is great. Thank. And the thing about it was, and that's why you can say opinions. That's what I love about it, because you're one of the few guys who can will say an opinion that is contrary against the fucking mob.

Yes. And you have to do that. And that's why my act, and what I'm doing now, is contrary to the opinion I don't mind I'm not conservative because I'm not a conservative. I'm fucking traditional liberalism But traditional liberalism gets fucking shoved into a corner Which make and they call us right wing. It's very hard very hard to put labels on things

We won't go back into the truth thing To me that's a bridge too far, but there's lots of things you and I hold hands on. There's lots of things where we are cousins. Well, here's what happened with it. Absolutely, we mean like who we are. It was me on it. I'm gonna move up again, to physically, to physically intimidate you.

All right. Here's the thing, they built it. It's like this. It's like traditional liberalism. It's like I'm for fucking free speech. Guys, you do that with the knee. This is gonna really drop. I know you don't agree with it, but this is gonna really drive home the point

if I touch your knee. Right there. That's my point. And so you have traditional liberalism and what happened in my opinion was they have no fucking place else to go so they kept going anyway. It's like the gay rights needed to happen for sure. It's the civil rights of the fucking

set in the 80s. Gay people need to have the right to adopt children if they want to and have a family and they should not be they should get help fucking insurance. You know, they need to fuck if they want to be just as miserable as me is the old joke right. That's get married. Yes, you know, I'm all for it. Right. What happened once they want to go live as miserable as me, they all joke this. Right, that's good. Get married. You know, I'm all for it. Right. What happened once they want to go live their life and improve neighborhoods so that we could move into what after it gets improved.

They can risk their lives, build up that neighborhood, and then all of a sudden, it's an already area now that used to be a poor area. Right. And then what happened was they left to go live their lives and the freeest fucking country in the history of the world and they left the door open and the crazy gay people snuck in.

And for different rights that actually aren't a problem. There aren't. And I hate to say that. I don't know if it was other gay people. I just feel that. No, no, it's a crazy people who are, it's like a, it's like a, I just, yes. I mean, I, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in

a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in a, I served in. He's like, you guys are liberal. No, that's kind of conservative now. Well, he was fairly conservative, but not crazy. No, but you could sit down and love having an answer.

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Text stop to opt out. Did you know HBO Max had podcasts? Now go even deeper inside your favorite shows with audio companions to some of the most groundbreaking and award-winning shows on television. The HBO Max series Hacks is back! Oh good, with a new season and a new companion podcast. In each episode, Hacks creators, Lucia Aniello, Paul W. Downs and Jen Statsky will be joined by a special guest host like Hannah Einbinder, Darcy Cardin, Susiello, Paul W. Downs and Jen Statsky will be joined by a special guest

host like Hannah Einbinder, Darcy Carden, Susie Esmanenmore, unpack each episode of Debra and Abys High Jinks. Listeners will hear stories from the show's writers, room, onset, and the world of stand-up and entertainment that inspired the show. You can listen to the official HACTS podcast on HBO Max and wherever you get your podcasts. But I'm certainly on your page in general that what happened with liberalism is an actual undoing of liberalism. Yes. In fact, that's in the thing I'm writing this week that's going to be on Friday. In liberal, in the guys of the liberal's

bank, right? Like they said, that they, you know, they go 10 subway stops past what made sense, you know, what you're just saying about gay marriage and stuff that made sense. And then we have to like fall asleep on the F train and wake up at men are pregnant. Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry. That's what happened. Exactly. We fell asleep on the train and when it came to the end of the line, we were at men are. And if you don't end, if you say they can't get pregnant, you're fucking kicked off to water. And, you know, and right. So, so it's, but that's a lunacy

that we have to fucking call. But the thing about it is that the liberalism, you know, I just, just to make it simplified, bunch of fucking pussies that won't call bullshit on bullshit. And the people that do we get grouped in as like me, I get grouped in as a right-winger grouped in as the right winger now. And I'm not. Right. Well, that also has to do with the medical aspect, which you and I both have got our share of shit about.

Oh, yeah. And I don't think it should be a political issue at all, but it becomes a political issue because the people who believe that I should be able to make medical decisions, which are personal decisions outside of politics. I should be able to make all of those unknowable. I have, that is cost more than anything else.

Especially in a country that has done such a good job keeping its population healthy. And then you want to tell me, oh, follow these people. Well, I don't want to. I want to follow, Obama told me, if you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor. Well, I do like my doctor, and I have kept more than one doctor,

but they all are invariant with what Fauci and a lot of other people say. I don't want to follow my doctor. Right, yeah, but when doctors are afraid to actually think what's best for the patient, there's no drug that's 100% safe, 100% in the time for 100% of the people. And you have where there is risk, where there is risk, there must be choice.

Oh, we don't have freedom. It's medicine. And we all have, and we all have different health profiles. I mean, the idea that they tell you from Washington, all do this. Like, what other thing that you went to the doctor for, would they ever do that? I mean, if you had a decent doctor, he would look at everything, he would look at your history, your profile, what risk,

all the different factors. For the Lord. If he was a real good doctor, he'd also say, and what do you eat? And how many metals do you have in your body? How much do you spend time on your phone with the thing next to your head? There's a million different factors. How many X-rays have you had? How much mercury, you know, all these things, but that's not the country we live in. The country

we live in is you do it our way. This is one thing we do for the, and it's mostly, you know, for the people who care for themselves the least. Now, that's your choice. And that is true. But I don't have to. We have to say this and it's hard because there is a kindness underneath this but that kindness is fucking killing people. The liberalism is they way to think. It is the right way. Freedom. Freedom of speech. Freedom of the choose what you want to do. What happens is when we get to the point and we say all we have to accept everybody as they are and we have to accept these obese people. I'm sorry.

If any weight is helpful, what about, what about anorexic people? I'm sorry, that's not fucking healthy. And we have to stop being politically about half. Well, I'm gonna just correct this because I bet you you don't mean it either. We have to accept all people. Yes, and love all people.

Exactly. What we don't have to do, this was my editorial last week, then of course they all went nuts on Twitter about. What we don't have to do is accept lies like healthy at any weight. Yes, we have to do that. That's a lie, and I don't accept lies.

You know, people said to me, you're thinking about obesity or less. It wasn't about obesity. I've done those before. My thing last week was about lying. Just don't lie to me. Don't tell me healthy at any weight. And we do that all the time. We do that.

What happens is it's under the mask of kindness which is fucking things up. I was very good friends with Dick Gray. Sending with homeless. Well, Dick Gray. Did you mention homeless? Yes. Well, Dick Gray, I can talk about the fatness.

Dick Gray, who was a really, the Jackie Robinson of comedy. He really was. And we had a nice documentary that was Andre, I'm sorry, I forget his name, no, who's directed. He did a beautiful job. And the family is a beautiful family. This guy used to have to break down walls to get obese people out so that they didn't die in this place and get them on this diet of this, this just, just a literally a liquid diet until they could lose hundreds of pounds and they did.

Right. And this guy dedicated, and you know, his life to this. So we can't just ignore the fact that it is not kind. You can love everybody. Right. But let's talk about how people are healthy. I think, with homeless, it's not kind. It isn't.

To leave them on the street. This is my thing and your thing, I think, about going 10 subway stops past where we should be with homelessness, somehow, they got to the place where not getting them off the streets was compassion. Right? How dare you? You can't... What?

That would be the old way of being compassion. You don't have a house. I'm going to try to get you one and put you in one. Yes. But now the compassion is, no. Well, you have. That's there, what lifestyle? Well, that's what happens.

That's what happens under the stars. Well, it is under the mask of kindness. There's an ugliness. There's a, and there what happens is there is. There is a stupidity. It is. Well, you's a, and there what happens is there is stupidity. It is. Well, you have it in San Francisco and San Francisco. I never thought I know that's your place.

Oh my God, I never thought I'd give it up. I had a place with a remembering now a rooftop. I used to go to a nightclub you own. Yes, yeah, the DNA lounge. The DNA lounge. When I used to like do stand up and then go to clubs. Oh yeah, those are fun. Oh my God, I want to like do stand up and then go to club. Oh, yeah, those are fun. Oh my god. I want to I always say this. I'm going to write when I write my memoirs

it's going to be called Who Was in My Body? Because Who Was in My Body? When I used to go out to clubs like alone like I do a show and then tell the driver, yeah, take me to the DNA lounge. But I love that club. That was fun. When that was going off, because San Francisco is a town I must tell you, where it's hard to find the party. It's a clicky.

Yes, yes. You know, it's a little snobby for small, you know, and so I never, but that place. I had that place wired. Let me tell you something else. You did. I had it wired and also like when I had like many love stars.

Yeah, and when you own a club and that was fun at the time, I know I lost money and it was worth every penny. But let me tell you, I had a movie star, huh? Who was in your body? Well, that you started a fucking disco. Well, the thing about it was like, you know, my brother at the time, he's looking for something to do, be fun and my dad and I made the mistake of like surrounding him with women while he was married,

women and drugs. At the club? Well, there was just, there was just there. It was still the, it was the end of the 80s, early 90s, with some of that druggy kind of thing in there. But the, it was a fun, special time that I, but at the same time, what happened? I thought I'd never give up that, that San Francisco place. I'm talking about when the, you know, when the, the angels planes come by, blue angels, yeah. You, I, from my rooftop, a my condo,

I could, it was a hundred year old building. I could see the helmet and the glasses on the dude. They would buzz it. And I had a view of the bay, to me, that was like, I'm like, the blue angels flying on Prasamrantisco. No,, they would buzz it. And I had a view of the bay to me that was like, Why are you with the blue angels flying on Prasamrancesco? No, because they would do it every year, like around July 4th. For what?

You'd go up on the roof and you'd smoke a bong and you'd watch these guys. But what would you, what's the been for a reason? Oh, you know, no, it was just celebrating July 4th. Oh, July 4th. So it was just, it was just that blue angels every year. But anyway, and then I started getting it to be- I bet you that didn't go over well at Berkeley.

Right across the way, I'm sure they hated it. So anyway, then I started getting these bills. This is like not that long ago for literally like you need to remove the toilets in front of your house. And I was like, I don't have toilets in front of my house. What are you talking about? And so I went out there and they were using the flower pots as toilets. Yes. And now let's go back and realize when this started. And it was under the Reagan administration.

I guess you could say that's considered. Yeah. At least they're using the flower pots. So fertilizer. They were actually the very. I understand your tomato. We're amazing that year. So but it was Reagan that fucked it up by closing the, um, by closing mental health places. Yes. And that was the beginning of the end of that. And then you had, it just was a slow build. And now you have a point where the San Francisco, it's crazy. You can't, there have this, where, you know, you have this, you, they give you drugs. People come from all over the world to get the free drugs in San Francisco. Right.

That's a point where this is enabling. If you were the mother, they would come and say, you gotta stop doing this. You're enabling your kid to do these drugs. So you have that and it's. And where are these free drugs? Right across from city hall. To joke that really shouldn't work at my age

because like Anyone thought about it like come on bill. Yeah, you're rich. You're 66. You don't need free drugs Right it out into the yes, right it out into the sunset. It's a nice joke. Come on. It's an act Lettale would not be Give it a try. You know, it depends on your audience, you know Yeah, you're really for you But we had, you're moving forward, you go with it. But we had fun up in San Francisco when we did that show. Oh, we had just like a 3,500 crazy people. I remember.

Huge fans of politically and correctly. Yeah. And we had a blast. Yeah. At that time, the show was different than your show now. Oh, I love your show. Oh, yeah. But the problem is, they're probably listening to me,

the problem, I'm going to be getting. The only problem with you, is that like, there needs, and the old show, they're probably listening to me, the problem, I'm gonna begin. The answer to the problem with you, is that like, in the old show, we would go have to show that I had nothing to do with politics. We would just go off on some funny tangent. That's why I'm doing this. Well, this, yes. Because this doesn't have to be political and real time is.

I mean, it gets into pop culture issues if they write like Johnny Depp trial, if they rise to the level of something that's intellectually nutritious. Well, where else other conversations, except you, exactly? Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly.

Exactly. Exactly. Right. About something real. Yeah. Not just about trivial. Look, everybody else is interviewing the third lead on a sitcom. Right. That's not what I'm interested in. And that's not what I'm doing. And, you know, the show is not.

You have more centrist, you've always been a liberal that I respect. And a liberal principles. Somehow, somehow a liberal and also a libertarian because when politically incorrect was first on, all they said the word that was in every article was libertarian because I am a libertarian. But I'm also a liberal, I'm also a conservative. I'm also whatever works and makes sense. Right, it makes sense. The problem is now, is that you don't have this,

you no longer have this debate for better ideas. What you have now is demonizing and censoring of people. Yes. Now that is coming specifically from the party in power and the tech companies, and that's illiberal liberalism. So that's why I've gone down that road of conservatism because you have to fight against this shit. You have to.

Because if we continue to give into this shit, the very foundations of what we love about this country are being diminished. Well, they're being diminished and threatened from both sides. I would agree with you. The extremists on both sides. Because if you go between LA and you.

Well, the extremists on one side are like 40, at least 40% of the party of the Republican party. You really believe that? I don't believe that. That's what the polls show. At least 40% of the party of the Republican party thinks Donald Trump won the election in 2020. That's plainly not the case.

Well, would you say, the here's their argument this shadow of a doubt you did not win the election in 2020 It's an ultimate deal right here with you either you either come to the Matt reality okay, but here's where you put it or your wall up and I'm just gonna ask it It's not a wall. Yes, my wall is reality I can ask it. It's not a wall. Yes, my wall is reality. Right. Or an reality. I'm from lost that or an action. Reality is like, this is a fucking wall.

You see, can I ask questions? There's no giving this. No give at all. But then the last question, then if you're, the certainty is there. I didn't build the wall. But they are now, but they're not admitting it. We're not finishing the wall. We're cleaning up with the former administration.

Is that building a wall? We're not building a wall. We're just simply cleaning up stuff in the form of a wall. We're taking some garbage that was there. I don't know what people need a wall at all. He's kind of need a fucking wall. But wouldn't you say, wouldn't you say, as someone who was not a popular leader, somehow Wouldn't you say as someone who was not a popular leader, somehow in the tally of the votes, and I, just putting this as a question, he somehow got more votes than Obama. I'm just asking as a question of just...

Well, there were more people. I don't even, Obama ran in 2012. He ran in 2020. There were more people. I mean, you know, their arguments are just... I just asked him a question. Well, it's a dumb question, They're more people. I mean, you know, their arguments are just I just ask in question. Well, it's a dumb question because it's been two years since the election or more And we've answered these questions and again if you watch any of the January 6 trial These are I mean hearings. These are I like that. There's no crosses. There's all across all Republicans

Tentify but I also like that there's you can can't, you can't, there's no cross examination. That's an interesting trial. I would say that's Stalinistic. That was their choice. That was their choice. Well, they refused to participate in a blah, blah, blah. But I would say the fact that everybody who we hear from is a Republican

is cross examination enough. Because what I mean, but they're, but when you have somebody talking, here's the bullshit you have to fucking call on this. Now just let's lose party for a second and say when it's hearsay evidence from somebody who talked to somebody, who knew somebody that that talked that lived next to somebody who was the driver in the fucking limo, I mean, look, Trump is not, that was not okay to put yourself over country. That is a gigantic red line that no one should ever cross.

That goes against the last great progress. And why are we arguing? No, because at the same time you have to respect it. Then we're done. We're done. Right, but the same thing. Red line you can't cross. You can't cross.

Right, okay, he did. He did, okay. That is a uh... that will go down in history okay that will go down in history and we can't get a gigantic blunder and you know to your point about was there here say yes the thing about grabbing the wheel the limo i i see that you're uh... uh... kind of upset about that i agree it probably didn't happen and the pt probably didn't happen. Well, but they don't show it.

Okay, but don't put that up there. Stay to the facts. There are mistakes, but the facts are, he still hasn't conceded the election. To this day, the examinance. That's the question. Conceded the election. That is a big, ongoing day by day, active sedition.

That's big. That's a big word that I'm going to have to look up and call Jay about. Let's know. Let me say this. Let's be. That is a travesty and that is a detriment to our country that that is a country that that goes against the great leaders of our country. The last progressive president of our country,

who had a lot of issues too. He fucked up with Vietnam, obviously you can say that after, but you can also say, and the hate list that Nixon had. However, we have to, when it came time for him to put country first, he did. Yes. That's a detriment to Trump.

So about Nixon. Yes. Okay. Well, as long as we're about Nixon and not Trump, right? Nixon is to me head and shoulders above Trump. Even on his drunkest day. Absolutely. I mean, and I'm not a giant Nixon fan and he was a pretty pretty shitty in some ways, but yes, absolutely. Before he was a good old water gate and snared him. Can I throw any any? Yes, I mean, I mean, I need to be paranoid and it list and whatever. He absolutely was a was a good boy, before Watergate ensnared him. Can I throw an eb- Yes, I mean, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Let me just tell you that. Yeah, and he was opposed by who's absolutely opposed by the Democrat

Edward Kennedy really so now so you have like people who had a chance to put in stuff I can't even against universal health care. Absolutely. You look it up. I will look it up The the other thing is is that like you know that well like talking about a boy He was he was since you brought it up talking about a boy he was he was since you brought it up but when when okay oh Obama had a chance to legislate that and said it's not a list of priorities Nixon became president and yes where does that six the eight no he was elected in 68 to go office January 20th my birthday 1969 on my half-birthday July 20th people landed on the moon and Ted Kennedy drove into a river.

Yes. Okay. Yes. So, I don't know if that had anything to do with his health care. Maybe he was distracted. But I can't believe that Ted Kennedy was against universal health. You gotta look it up. If I'm wrong about that, I will look it up.

I will look it up. But it doesn't matter. The point, the bigger point remains that Nixon was a smart, even Vietnam, which obviously was one of our big tragedies in American history. That's not just the tragedy of Vietnam, but it's loud. It was not. It was not. It was nothing to do with the fucking war. It was not easy. It's always easy to get into a war. It's hard to get out. Yes. And Nixon did get out, but of course it took a whole four years. Now could something and done better? Yes, probably, but I don't know. I can't remember. And it's too far back in time. All I know is in Sean Penn's great movie about, I forget the name in the word,

and Nixon's in the title, but there's a guy, and he, because he's a salesman, that's the party he's playing, and he says, Richard Nixon ran for office in 1968 on the platform of getting America out of Vietnam. Yes. He didn't do it in a 1972. He ran on the platform of getting America out of Vietnam.

That's assailment. That's where my dad voted for him in 68 because he was talking about getting a son of that war. See, that's the thing about people need to know that people fight for domestic things on a very not even enough of them, frankly, because they won't go up against the pharmaceutical-controlled government that we have now. But at the same time, the foreign policy stays the same. That's why, like, 40 billion in Ukraine, God knows how much is getting to the front, whatever. It's extending this conflict, and it's both parties.

Both parties are wrong about this. And they're very concerned. What you do about Ukraine. We have to let, first of all, we should have never allowed it to become a fight we should have turned we should have mean gorgherb chef and let me tell you gorgherb a chef was promised by James Baker was promised not ten steps past Poland that's a long time ago I know it is but I'm telling you that the Russians were told that not ten steps past Poland that was the promise but now they're at the border putting missiles at the

board just imagine china putting this is a mexico but that was the last century in garbage up okay i think orbidjav you know what let's talk about this was a radio station in history who hasn't gotten his hasn't but he will let me tell you that yes he will let's take let's take china wanting to let's not let's put china putting this is a mexico point to us that's what we're talking about, missiles from NATO, pointed at Russia, from Ukraine.

So I just wanna say because that goes against the grain from what everybody wants to try. What time is your double date with the- I'm not doing another show tonight. I'm gonna stay here til midnight. Sure. What time is your double date with Pat and us? I don't know.

No, first of all, he's funny comic. I don't mean to shitter, but I thought- What if it's shinnon? I think if the photo thing pissed me off. I don't mean the shitter, but I thought- What do you mean, what do the shitter? I think if the photo thing pissed me off. I don't blame you. When he tweeted about me, whatever it was, it pissed me off. But what I'm saying is, you know, apropos to our discussion about the country at large.

Yeah. When I saw Patton, I came to some dinner. I remember it was like a year after, I don't know, two years, who knows, I smoked pot. And my phone's ringing, I'm supposed to be at the club. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it.

Sorry, I can't talk now. It's a rumor. I'll wrap it up. But when I went to, I saw this, or I went to a dinner, I think Al Franken was there, Sarah was there. And I didn't know Patton was there. I could have been like, you know, this fucking asshole.

He, you know, and I think it was something I said about Islam, which I'm clear-eyed about and not an Islam of fob. And not a racist, it's a religion, not a race. We won't get into that, but yes, it's one of those issues where the woke are very, very benigned, and I'm clear-eyed about it without being, you know, I think you know, when they attack people like that beautiful woman, but I, what's her name?

I am her see only she's a hero. I'm actually not embraced by the liberal intelligences. Right. So much. Oh, Sam Harris tells a great story about a bunch of white girls walking out on I and her see all. And yeah, someone who was brought up in Somalia and was the victim of general, you know,

gentle mutilation. Gentle mutilation and lots of other horrible petrothidal nonsense. Oh, unbelievable. That Western women pretend that they're so against. And then she goes to, then she goes, let's continue, she goes to Holland. The point is, become a legislator

I certainly thought he was out of line with whatever he tweeted about me and it but instead of like when I was younger I probably would have been like oh this I'm not even talking to him Yeah, you know because we're always feuding we were young. I was like okay, you know Maybe he had a bad day or maybe we can talk this out and So, that's what America has to do. I don't hate you. You said one thing which I really thought was out of line, but maybe if I just engaged you, and that's exactly what happened. And I wound up talking to him about health and he wound up saying, I have emails, or

I don't have them, but I had them. But like, oh, you know, you're really saved my life because I'm doing this like, I, I, I, hip-tem onto this like certain kind of fast you could do and stuff like that. I mean, that's what America has to do. And he's really a, I mean, he's a super talented guy. And a great guy. He's clearly like, again, I think some of these people get

hard work in brilliant, indoctrinated, into stuff. I think they watch too much MSNBC all day. And it's like just coming to a place of trying to get it. It is. Exactly. It is. Right.

Exactly. And I think, right, and I just want to talk to them, but again, you have to talk to people. And of course, it's the same thing with the right. I mean, you and I argued tonight. Yeah. But it wasn't. It was wonderful. Thank wonderful. We can disagree and still love each other and still respect each other. There's not one moment where I said to myself,

Rob isn't agreeing with me fully on this. I hate him and he's stupid. That's not what I said at all and even in my mind. That's where we have to go. And that's where we're not that far apart, because once you have conversations, the problem is we don't have a media that is allowing dissent and conversation. And so you don't really have any objectivity. And I will tell you this story from, I won't say his name, but like a friend of mine who's a former Fortune 500 CEO

was having a conversation with the publisher of the New York Times. And he was saying, there seems to be a lack of a certain discernibility to which side you're leaning towards. And he was trying to be very, it is like a CEO would be very, very calm and also not deliberate and not attacking. And he said, I feel it is my, and the New York Times not attacking right and he said i feel it is my and the the the the the publisher is like i feel it is my it is my moral duty

above and beyond any anything that that to make sure the dollar trump does not become president again and while i i agree that that that you know dollar trump is there's clearly uh... that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, had, you know, his buildings built and didn't pay people. That says all you know. Right. Right. That's it. However, you have like, you have to also respect, there is a, there is a something about like, even though I couldn't say that he had respect for the

office himself, I do think that we need to continue to have respect for our office. Yeah. We have to respect the executive branch. We need to definitely respect, you know, the executive branch. We need to definitely respect the judicial branch. That is very alarming to me. Thomas Soles, you know, I love him. I love him.

But he's talking about like we had 92. He said, we have crossed the Rubicon here where we can threaten judges. That is very unique. And that is the reason why that's a law. That that is happening and that is not being prosecuted. That's a real issue. The kids who don't know about Rupa Trump,

what are they gonna make about the Rubicon? This, well, I will say, look, the fact that you and I, you know. I'm so glad we did this. Can I tell you that it's been a long time. It's been too long. One of the great things about this fucking club random thing is there's not a long time. It's been too long. One of the great things about this fucking club random thing

is there's not a lot, but a few people who like I really haven't connected with ever, but I always wanted to. I knew them, but didn't really know them. And then I sit here and it's like, oh my God, we wasted a lot of years. I feel like we wasted a lot of years, but I hope we don't waste.

I hope we don't. No, because I enjoy talking to you so much. Oh, thank you. And I so appreciate the balls you have to not, you know, Kanye West, who I have, it's like everyone, some issues with lots of stuff. But when he said about Trump, the mob can't make me hate him.

I was like, I love you for that. And you know how I feel about Trump. But the mob can't make me exactly. Somehow we have to keep both those things that are in our mind of the same way. I can hate Donald Trump and I can love Kanye West for saying the mob can't make me hate him. And you, I feel like among a very few people,

the mob doesn't make you, your career, whatever it is, they can threaten, the mob can't make you do what you don't believe or what you don't think. That is to me something that I find, I'm so admiring of that. Thank you, I really appreciate that. And it has cost me dearly in this bullshit show business he thinks, but I will say this. And it's just

like, you know, a guy like Mark Twain, who just, this is one we didn't have. Our presidents weren't, weren't getting some kind of pension and a grant at that time was writing his autobiography to make money. You list these ass grants. You Lissie's S Grant. He went through general and president of the United States. This guy, broke. 69. Yeah, and broke.

He wanted to make sure, yes. He wanted to make sure that his wife could have, could pay off the phone after Andrew Johnson. And this guy, that misunderstood best. Mark Twain went there and helped him finish that book and did that for this. Is that right? I never knew that. Mark Twain finished Grant's book because I know Grant was on his deathbed. He wanted the money for his family. Yes. And Mark Twain came in and went there and absolutely did. You know what? I thought when I read it, I saw some Twain

in there. I was like, I found like that's what I'm about to say. It was either Mark Twain or Robert Town. Somebody fucking ghost wrote that shit. But that is something, that's a guy, to me, I really respect that incredible man, Samuel Clemens. And I do feel like he was aware of his time. And I do feel like you have to,

for whatever reason, whatever fame, whatever I've had, I think you have to be somewhat aware of our times in our times, right? Be hanging out with Gregory, made me, you know, if he said, I'm talking about with him. Well, I knew that pretty darn good, you know, because like 20 years ago, they, you know,

when I got hired. He died recently, right? He did, yeah. And he was out there. And last time I told him, okay, he called him, I just say hi, he yelled at me. Cause I called from Hawaii. I was doing some show over there with Adam Sandler.

And I called him up and he said, he said, so, what do you, what do you call me right now for? And I went like, dick, I just wanna tell you, I love you, I haven't told you, I haven't told you. I said, you know I gotta go on stage in 45 minutes. I mean, don't you, come on, you know what this like, like doing, I'm gonna go on over my shit, man. I was like, I'm sorry, dick. Last time I ever talked to you. He's like, you know, I gotta go on stage in 45 minutes. I mean, don't you, come on, you know what this like, like doing, I'm gonna go on over my shit, man.

I was like, I'm sorry, Dick. Last time I've ever spoke to him. But the thing was, like, Dick was, he would have jokes about, like, by the time he would bring America together with his jokes, very much like George Carland did, but he would say before George Carland was Dick Gregory, and he would say, like, by the time they finally, I was able to eat in a diner next to a white man,

they didn't have anything I wanted. And I said, no, that's true. I got to, yeah, he was good. I got to look him up. And I know it all is biography, but I put country before career at some point. This country's given me everything. And for someone like, for my background, who, you know, and mixed-raised the background,

I do feel like, I've always kind of felt like an outsider. When you're Asian and American, Asians. You gotta play that card more. Well, I don't, because I don't wanna be that fucking guy. To be like, you need one Asian. You know who needs that shit? I know it's the time to do it, right? It really is. You're a person of color. I know what's the time to do it, right? It really is.

You're a person of color. I just think that, and I need some kind of sexual abuse that happened to me. So that I could, and then I got the whole package. All right, well, we're gonna arrange the abuse. All right. All right, thank you. Club.

Round of round. Round of round. Hey, this was good. Let's do it again. Give me a big mile of luck.