Club Random with Bill Maher - The Skinny Confidential | Club Random with Bill Maher

Episode Date: October 21, 2024

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How does Bill break up with someone? Like what's your break up, what's your monologue? Can you please give it to me like... Say, listen, we've run out of fuel. I can't, I want to hear what you actually... You saw what happened the last time I tried it. But I have to tell you first, when you told me that I look good and you like my outfit, you made my day.

I did. Probably my week, maybe the month. You did. I love the outfit. The outfit's youthful. I know, but I mean, who doesn't like to hear that at my age? He looks hot. What can I say?

Right. There you go. Thank you. So funny, because whenever I think I'm wearing something plain, that works better. And then when I try to do more, it works worse. Well, you don't want to be. I like plain. It's classic.

You don't want to have too many things going on. You know? Yeah, the classic. And you have to dress your age. Yeah. I think that's one of the biggest tragedies is when guys start to age and then they try to, they're dressing horrible.

No, you got some swagger, too. You got some style. Well, you know, like there's an old saying, don't let the old man in. And I have, you know, don't. Just don't let him in. And look, not to, we were talking about this on your show, whenever that was, last week or our wink wink.

When we were wearing the exact same. Like the Golden Bachelor never changed the dress. Exactly. But, you know, I think not getting married is what keeps me young anyway. Because marriage is like a milestone. It's kind of like saying, well, this part of my life is over. Not that that's bad. And now I'm in this phase.

And then when you have kids, you kind of trade your fun for theirs a lot. And whereas you could say I'm immature, but like, I'm always in phase one. Because I like phase one. Right. You know, I don't understand these couples when they talk about, you know,

they've been married a long time and they're like, oh, and they reminisce about like the days when they first met and it's all so like, oh, and I was so nervous that I forgot to watch the dog the night we went out. And I thought he was cute when I saw him. But then he, I don't know, farted into a bag. Whatever it is, they have all these memories.

And they kind of then are living off those memories for the next ever. Well, that's a little bit. It never happens again, this two-year period in their life, which they describe as so wonderful. And I'm like, yeah, I never want that to end. But the problem, I think, is when you stay in phase one after you've had a wife and kids,

and you're still trying to be... Well, that's not good. No, you gotta make the choice. I think a lot of people, though, if they were really brutally honest, would say that they're settling or they settled. And I'm sorry that's a hard truth to swallow. But I talk to a lot of women on a daily basis because of our show.

It's it's millennial women and a lot of them feel like they have settled and that's just the truth. And I don't know more about men. I mean a lot of my guy friends tell me but... But we talked about it on our show with you. It's like this thing where you feel it's something you're supposed to do. So you do it sometimes just because it's what you think you're supposed to do without actually thinking to yourself,

hey, I'm gonna be with this person for a very long period of time. And if you have kids, even if you separate, you're gonna be co-parenting for a very long time. You guys have kids. Two kids. We have two kids. We've known each other since we Two kids. We have two kids. We've known each other since we were 12.

We have not been together that long. We dated all the time. I had to do a couple of phase one activities for a while. I also had to do a couple of my own activities. But you know. We've known each other for a long time. We say to people all the time. He wouldn't leave me alone.

I don't wanna say we're unique because there's a lot of people. I don't blame him. I mean. I thought she was a substitute teacher when I saw her. She came in fully developed. I was 12 years old. I was like, did she look like this?

I was like, be like. I ignored him for about 15 years. Be like. Yeah. She's hot. My question always with married people is like, I look at her and like to take no disrespect to her. I love it.

You were saying if you were like. Listen, I'd be coy. It's like. No, you were saying, if you were like... But just, I'm like, let's not be coy. Like, I look at that, wow, that's hot. But you've seen it a billion times. Can you see, can you still see, that's one of the reasons I never got married, is that it's very, and that's not my fault. No, thanks for having me on the show.

It's just, it's not my fault. No, be honest. It wasn't my feeling. It's not your fault. It's the way we're designed. It is. Robert Greene said that on our show. It's actually human nature. My lizard brain right now wants her more than yours does, probably. Just because that's just the truth. Because I never saw her before.

Yes, so I get what you're saying. And people know, I mean Dr. Joyce Brothers, used to, you know who that is? She was this TV psychologist, like oh forever, I guess she died maybe 10 years ago or something, but she was always on TV and you know, every talk show and she was charming, not a comedian, but she was an expert,

but she had a good sense of humor. And one of the things she used to always say was, when you see someone, you know within seven seconds if you want to have sex with them. Okay. And I used to think, wow, you need seven? Uh-huh, you know right away. It's just, it's instant. It's like, you know, eyes, skin, bone structure, you know, mate with that one. Mate with that one.

Don't mate with that one. I mean, it's human nature, right? I don't know how to explain it, though. And I don't want to say we're unique because plenty of people are married and together for long periods of time. But I think we have a better sex life today than we did when we were younger,

hence maybe the kids. I don't know what that... I mean, I think we've always... I mean, her dad caught us in the closet together when we were 12 years old, I was trying to get a blow job. 12. 12. I was trying to get a blow job. And he's good looking too.

I mean, it's a very, very good looking couple. Thank you. You know, he's a great looking guy. He is. I feel like you also have gotten hotter. With age. But I feel like women, that doesn't affect women as much as men. It's just something about the DNA of wanting to spread the seed or something.

The aesthetics. Yes. And also, women, it's not always just the physical. No, it's gotta be the brain. It's gotta go through the brain. I gotta, yeah, I have to be stimulated mentally. Of course. If I'm not stimulated mentally, I don't care how through the brain. I gotta, yeah, I have to be stimulated mentally. Of course. If I'm not stimulated mentally,

I don't care how hot the diet. I would say that is one of the major red letter days in my life, turning point in my life, fully realizing that like, oh, it has to go through the brain. I know you're young and you're horny and the hormones are raging, so you just wanna get right to it,

and it's just never gonna work. And of course they're not going for it because that's not how women work. Unless, again, you're at the Puff Daddy party or you're one of those musicians who the groupies, you know, I'm telling you, there are guys who are just great looking. You must have had it happen where a girl just,

you know, I mean, grabbed your Johnson. It's like, well, it's not subtle. It's like, hmm. You must have a line of girls, though. Well, I never put them in a line. Well, okay. Well, you must. You haven't been struggling.

I bet you you have a lot of girls who, because you are, you are so intelligent that I bet you have a lot of options, we can call it. Let me ask you this. Can you date or be with someone that even if they're super hot, can you spend a long period of time with them if they're not intellectually aware? I was wondering that too. I'm sure you can fuck them for a period of time, but can you spend a...

Like if they're annoying. Or if they don't have a thought. At this age, annoying can never be anywhere near in the equation. Sex is great, but nothing is worth sketchy, worrisome, annoying. Now dumb, that's not always a deal breaker. Okay. Wait, wait. No, I take that back.

Ignorant. Ignorant and dumb are two different things. Ignorant, you're never going to find someone who's way less years alive than you who knows as much as you because you learn something every day. But smart, you can be smart and not know much because they don't teach anything in school. Yeah. So, but someone who's smart and wants to know, nothing sexy. What did my dad used to say? And it makes for a wonderful relationship. He said, you can heal the sick and help the blind,

but stupid's forever. So true. You know, you're stupid, you can't learn. Ignorant just means you don't know something. And we're all ignorant of almost everything. I mean, there's infinite things you could know. Well, if you go on the internet, nobody's ignorant of you. With how busy you are and how much you have going on, though,

how are you even meeting girls? Are they sliding into your DMs on Instagram? Like, what's the way to meet them? I'm not on Instagram. I'm not on any social media. I've never done any dating or knowing anything on... No apps. Well, I have...

Do I have Instagram? Yeah, I have it. Once in a while, I look at it, and it's only dogs doing crazy shit. That's all they think I want. And apparently, I liked one there. Back in the day when it was just pictures, I did follow a bunch of hot models

because it was just like, oh, it's like Playboy on my phone. But then they changed it, and I don't know. And somebody said, oh, they'll think you're trying to get with them. Really, if I just look at them? So I don't think I have maybe one or two or left. But mostly it's just dog things. I didn't even look at it.

I certainly have never communicated with anyone over Instagram. I wouldn't do it. I've seen people be embarrassed by it. I wouldn't go on a dating app. First of all, I don't think you could ever know anybody through a screen.

Can I trust what they look like first? And then even past that, to get to know somebody, you have to be right here. I have to be able to see your face, not through a screen. I have to see what those eyes do. That's why we won't do our show without being in person. We won't do the remote interviews because I can't. I won't either.

I mean, once in a blue moon, I will do a satellite, like with Netanyahu. Okay, that's, but yeah, we're not, we don't have Netanyahu. He's the Prime Minister of Israel. I was like, what? I don't know who that is. Good friend of Bankman Fried.

Okay, I'm learning, I'm learning. It's a new day. Anyway, but other than that, I insist, they all have to come, because first of all, with the delay, I'm a comic, I work on split second timing. You know, you have to have that in person thing. And it's the same thing with mating. You know, you have to feel, you can feel it.

There's femurons involved and you see people, like just a little movements in someone's face as you're talking, you don't even consciously know it, but it's communicating a million things. You can't do that through a screen and, you know. I missed a lot of the dating. I didn't have any of the dating apps, but I always find it funny.

I have my friends that are on there and they go and they show up to meet someone and it's like, who are you? Like, it's not the, that's not with the person. It's not the true representative of the person. Because there's filters and lighting and makeup and blah, blah, blah. And you're taking the best picture. And so all of a sudden you get there

and you think you're getting something and then it's completely different. So why is the sex better, you said? I think the sex is better because one, we're getting better at having sex with each other. Really? A lot of people don't think that, Michael. A lot of people would say it gets stale and boring and it's the same old shit. But also we're very open and talk about sex all the time.

We actually have a sex business. We've got to send you some stuff. I can have a what? We have a sex business. We have a sex business. We have a coconut oil lube. You can eat it, lick it, suck it, fuck it, and it can turn a massage into a blowjob. It was a little side journey we took on as we were experimenting our own.

I want to massage into a blowjob. Okay, you know how like when you get a massage from someone and it turns into sex or a blowjob, but like the massage oil? Well we got to... I do not know. Maybe this is why we've lasted a while. But like the massage, it goes into a blowjob or sex and you get all the oil everywhere.

You want the oil to be like, edible. You want to be able to eat it. I don't feel like I need a segue for blowjobs. You know, I feel like. You're efficient with your time. Well, I mean, first of all, I mean, blowjobs are a little passive for my taste. I mean.

You don't like a blowjob? Oh, I didn't say I didn't like it, but it's never been the focus of mine. I mean, a lot of guys are like, oh, if I could just get blown and go right to sleep or just get blown. I feel like you can resonate with that. That's not my thing either. I like the real act. Yeah, I like...

It feels a little juvenile. Well, it's passive. Like, whereas fucking is... I guess I'm a dominant type, you know. So it's hard to be, anyway. If someone's listening though and they wanna meet you and they're this hot, beautiful lady, what's the way to meet them?

What do they do? You have to get set up. Your friends? Be smart enough to figure it out. Ah. Smart enough to figure it out. But again, I'm good. You're good. I'm good.

You're a cup's full. Yeah, I'm not, look, I'm just But again, I'm good. You're good. I'm good. You're a Cups full. Yeah, I'm not, look, I'm just, again, I don't want to be specific. Well, I say again, that was on your show, now we're on my show, so I guess people didn't hear that. But they know I like to keep my personal life close to the vest. Well, that's because a lot of your life's so public, I think. Well, you know, nobody really gives a fuck about a 60-year-old man,

except if I was doing something bad, which I'm not, or doing something scandalous. I mean, one thing I don't do is go to high-profile restaurants with someone who they would just immediately they would write, she's a gold digger and he's a cradle robber. Even though they know nothing about us, that would be the story because, you know, the press is not your friends really.

That's what they're looking to do. So I don't need to give them that. And you know, I also am over that phase of my life, the buying dinner, dating phase. That's just, it's like, come on man, come on. Club Random is brought to you by the audio marketing gurus at Radioactive Media. Halloween is around the corner, but that's no reason to turn into a candy ass, candy ass Halloween. When making your business better, the team at Radioactive Media can ensure that your

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511-511 today. Terms, conditions, message, and data rates may apply. You know, just to discuss it, I lived that life. Let's get to the end. You know, there's a dinner date. It's just an interview if you want to fuck somebody. It's like, please. And I also live my life by one extremely important principle, sex before food. The rest of the world does it wrong.

I used to do it wrong. They have dinner, and then they fuck. It's disgusting. You're eating. Oh, I thought you meant like you don't get. Oh, you're right. Ew. You have to fuck and then eat. Both are better. And then you're hungrier. You're eating. Oh, I thought you meant like you don't get... Oh, you're right. You have to fuck and then eat.

Both are better. And then you're hungrier. You're hungrier. You've earned it. You don't mind if you make your breath stink. You gots not hanging out. You're right. And also, like...

It's terrible to eat first and then fuck. I thought you were stupid as thing. Rebrand it. And you will never get me to do it again. I took it completely the wrong way. I thought you were saying you would not Rebrand it. And you will never get me to do it again. I took it completely the wrong way. I thought you were saying you would not buy someone dinner unless they fucked you first. Well, I mean, I think he was kind of saying that.

I was not saying that at all. I was like, whoa. If I liked you, you can have all my money. I've never been about money. I got more than I can use. And I'm not interested in anyone who's interested in me for that. And if you're truly not, then you can have a lot of it. Just not a thing.

But food and sex is. You cannot eat and then fuck. It's just disgusting and stupid. And you should be light and clean when you have sex. then when you're done you're working up this great appetite the food tastes better you don't have to worry about what it's doing to your breath it's it's just one of the greatest things I've learned on the show. One of our friends made his girlfriend jalapeno peppers and they ate them before they fucked and her pussy was on fire.

The jalapeno oil on his fingers because he made the poppers. Right they ate before they fucked that's what happens. I thought I had a lot of people are stupid stories but that one really that one is good. I could have to put that in the top. She wasn't very happy. I could have to put that in the top 10. She wasn't very happy. Well, any time you're using food, I think, in sex, you are barking up the wrong tree. If your sex life is somehow lacking, food is, you know, that's not the book that you're sticking

under that leg of the couch that's going to make it sit up. Just do something better. I mean, food is... Food is... I don't like food in general. I mean, I eat, of course, and I, like anyone, like tasty food, but, like, I find myself going more and more hours into the day without eating because...

What time do you eat? Well, I get up about 11. Sometimes I don't eat till 5 or 6 because I have coffee, I have maybe a little snack here or there, but basically, as soon as you eat, that's where most of the energy of the body goes to, is digestion.

And you're just more alive. You're more alert, you're more wiry. Food is a buzz killer. I mean, it certainly kills, if you're stoned or drunk and you eat, yeah, now you killed it. Now you ruined that buzz you worked so hard on. What time are you going to bed if you wake up at 11?

What's this? What time are you going to bed? Well, I mean, I used to go to bed crazy late and now I only go- That's typical of comedians, yeah? Yeah, totally, because, you know, we are in the clubs when we start out so late. I was always on a late clock.

The fun happens at night. I mean, it's just more fun than the day. Like, the things you would do at night. If you're in phase one. Which I have stayed in. If you're in phase one, that's right. That's a good run in phase one. That's why I just wanted to live right in the middle.

I won't say exactly where we are in LA, but it's one of those cities that's right in the middle. Because if you're married, yeah, you live in Malibu, you go to work in the city, and then you go home. You're home for the night. Like, I would go to work, I'd come back, I was like, yeah, but I'm going to go out again at 11. So just getting started. Yeah, so I know, I mean, I work, I'd come back, I was like, yeah, but I'm gonna go out again at 11. Yeah. So just getting started.

Yeah, so I, no, I mean, I don't do that much anymore, but yes, if somebody has, sometimes somebody has something at the last minute, and it's usually in this area, or if it's not, you can get to the other areas because you're in the middle. I like that. Do you enjoy being friends with celebrities

or are most of your friends not celebrities and comedian? Well, celebrities certainly doesn't determine one iota of how much someone is a friend of mine. I mean, I have one of the wonderful things I would say about getting to this point in life is that you have such a great collection of friends from all the different periods of your life. I have a couple of friends from childhood,

couple from college, couple from early, more than a couple probably from early stand-up days. And then people I've met from doing either politically incorrect or real time over the years that have organically become friends, you don't wanna push that on anyone as a talk to your host. You don't want to the first time, hey, let's exchange numbers. No.

But over time, it just happens. So that's a wonderful thing. And so some of them are celebrities and some of them are not. But they would all get along because they all think I'm great. So they have that in common. So they must have good taste. Who's the coolest off air? Out of all the people that you know, they have that in common, and so they must have good taste. Who's the coolest off air? Like, out of all the people that you know,

who's the absolute coolest? That's such a great question that I'm not gonna answer, because whoever I didn't say would be so pissed. I think you would say Rogan is one of them. Would not. Oh. First of all, I don't know him off air. Oh, you guys have such good camaraderie.

Would you guys have a good rapport? I can't believe that that I have good camaraderie with everybody I talked to I really do I mean I Like Joe a lot do we agree on everything? No, he's gonna vote for Trump, which I think is insane, but you know, that's him Maybe it's you and it doesn't doesn't make me like you one bit less. I And I was having this argument with a very famous Maybe it's you, and it doesn't make me like you one bit less. I... And I was having this argument with a very famous, close friend of mine last night who believes you cannot, he would not be friends with someone who votes for Trump, and I am like not on that page. We had somebody on the show the other day, and one of the things they said to me is,

well think about how many miserable liberal people, you know, and my response was, think about how many miserable conservative people. I just think this whole idea of like, you have to base your friendship and your ideas on a side is so foreign to, I hate it too. And we get so much shit on our show for having everybody from every different thought process on the show and like for Lauren and I,

I can't imagine being put in a position where I have to decide who I'm gonna be friends with based on their political ideology. I just think it's insane. Some people will say, well, these people are actually harming people's lives and whatever issue that is, and they'll take it that far,

but I just don't see it that way. I mean, it's not untrue. I mean, this person was saying, you know, Trump, you see, you know, he's racist and this thing with the Haitians is sort of, it's like, yeah, it is. That's not untrue. But it's also way more complicated than that. I mean, the Muslim mayor of that town, Hamtrak in Michigan, the, I think, only Muslim majority town in America, endorsed Trump, the guy who asked for a Muslim ban.

So there's nuance? Yeah, there's nuance. It's just, it's so much more complicated. And also, like, I know some of the people that this friend of mine that I was talking to know that we have in common who are Trumpers. And I was like, really, you mean, you don't wanna be friends with that guy anymore?

And the answer is usually, oh, well. You know, it just really gives you pause. Like, really, I mean, maybe he's not your best friend in the world, but we have to cut off. And it's just for, and even if it was, if you thought you had the moral high ground, which you don't, it's just counterproductive, because you're going to have to talk to these people anyway.

It's half the country, and they're not going away. They're not self-deporting. They're probably not going to change their views on a lot of stuff unless you talk to them. They're certainly not going to change at all if you don't talk to them that much I can guarantee We talked about this on our show a little bit I said, you know how we're basically 9-eleven happened our freshman year of high school that we were young and I think our generation has watched a lot of in honest in opinion, a lot of warmongering for the last 20 years. And I said, it's hard to even distinguish

which side is which anymore. There's people on the left now that are fans of Dick Cheney. Like if you had told me people on the left would be- And his daughter, yeah. Yeah, and that to me, it's so, the extremes have gone so far, I can't recognize which is which anymore. It's the thing we were talking about on that other show, yours that we were doing.

You know, as soon as Bobby Kennedy said processed foods were bad, suddenly we all switched teams on that one. It's just amazing the way they will switch teams on a dime. And first of all, it's kind of childish. I know you think you're the sophisticated ones. It's not really sophisticated to only see, you know, your team, who's on your team. What can I learn that supports my team

or what I already know already? It's just not interesting to me. First of all, you're boring me. Don't bore me. Speaking of that, let's get more specific about what it is you're doing to each other that makes the sex better. Like specifically.

I wanna know specifically. You wanna figure out the sex. Everything is on the table. I'll give tips. Wait, can I say what? Like, can I just let it rip? You're 30-somethings, right? I think that you got it...

You're doing it since you're 12 in the closet. I think that I am very comfortable with my sexuality, and I think that that makes it a lot... As women get in their 30s. Yeah, I've been comfortable since I was 12. But yes, ask my husband. Oh, come on. There must have been a...

No, she's been, she's always... I just, I grew up pretty, very pretty. What I would say is Lauren has always been open to all possibilities. What a nice way to say anal. No, that's not really my cup of tea. Here's what it is. Mine neither. I think we never did it, never will. That's not my thing, that's not really my cup of tea. Here's what it is. Mine either. I think we never did it, never will.

That's not my thing. That's not my thing. Never did it in the naughty place. Never? You've never have? No. Ever. No need, no desire?

I feel the same. It's just not my thing. It's not my thing either, but I'm surprised that it's not. By the way, to each its own, I have friends that love it. That's not what, when you say Lauren was open to anything, that's a little. I did it. I was not alluding to anal. That's not what, when you say Lauren was open to anything, that's a little... I was not alluding to anal.

That's actually not our thing, but I'm surprised in 63 years. 68. 68. Okay. No, no. That never once. I mean...

No, I mean, I never wanted to. Imagine eating before anal. They were always like, you're not putting that thing in. Woof. No, no. Too much food before anal, that's not. No, no, no.

Oh, that's another disgusting possibility. I think we talk to a lot of people. It's so funny doing the show that we've done for so long, and people get so squeamish around the topic of sex. And you realize that most people are probably not having a great time in the bedroom because they're so uncomfortable even talking about sex, let alone the act of having sex. Most people just not, they're not comfortable talking about it, they're not comfortable

doing it, they won't talk about it with their partner, they won't tell people what they really want. Like, Lauren and I talk a lot about, you know, what's on both of our minds and what we both want and I think it works out. It kind of ruins it for me. It's kind of like saying to somebody, you know my birthday's tomorrow. Yeah, I get what he's saying.

Yeah. You know. But I think that. And then when they, well, of course I told you. That was no big deal. When you're in the act, you can ask for something. Yeah, I should be better at that. I am not good at that.

You've got to ask. Like what if you want something and someone's. Not if they know what they're not. Well, maybe you want something different. Even better if you didn't have to. Of course. Even better if you just didn't have to. That's why the sex gets better though.

You asked me earlier why the sex gets better because... That's how you know who's the one. You don't have to ask. You don't have to ask. It just happens. Okay, sometimes... Once you ask, it's kind of over. Yeah, well...

Happy birthday. I guess... You know I'm turning 33 today. As sex as you go on in a relationship can get very tricky if you're not evolving the sex. I think the sex has to evolve. But you keep avoiding the question. You say you got better at it.

What are you actually doing? No, you get it. That's a good question. OK, here's a good question. Give more specifics. You get better at it because one, to your point, you don't have to ask for the things you like as much because the person knows and you know your body. What are these things?

Yeah, Michael, what are the things? What are these things? I don't know. I don't have to... Michael, you love your balls grabbed. What are the things? There you go. Now we're talking.

What are the things? We talked about it on our podcast. I don't know why you're being gunshot. Well, your dad's going to listen to this at some point. Yeah it on our podcast. I don't know why you're being gunshot. Well, your dad's going to listen to this at some point. Your dad's a big fan, by the way. He's going to listen. Yeah, my dad's going to listen to this episode.

That's OK, though. My dad encouraged openness. I think that that's important to not make it weird. Like your dad didn't want his balls grabbed, please. Yeah. Yeah, your dad wanted his balls grabbed. Of course. My dad had a couple girlfriends.

Still does, from what I hear. My dad lived a life like you when I was young, so I saw a lot of different situations. Really? Yeah. Well, tell me about that. What do you mean? I saw a lot of, this is what I'll say. Your parents separated.

My parents separated, and I saw a lot of different women coming in and out, and I saw the woman that ended up getting him compared to the women that didn't. And what was the difference? It's basically essentially what you said, is that she was like, I'm never gonna marry you and I don't like you, and he was obsessed with her. Whereas the other ones leaned in with sort of like a desperate energy.

And I think that it was very interesting as a young child to see that experiment done in front of my face. Because even someone that were so hot, and even smart, they didn't know how to sort of play and finesse the game. And that's why you got him? Oh, yeah. I got you.

I ignored you for 15 years. That's true. Yeah. Wow. That is a slow burn. It was a slow burn. It was a slow burn. Like I said, I had to do a couple of phase one

side missions for him. You had a lot of side missions. That probably worked out better. It's way better because we went away. You'd be so much more tired of each other. No, that wouldn't have been good. That would have been suffocating. I also think we, like, at the end of the day, this is like a weird thing to say, but we're

also, this is making it sound cheesy, but we're best friends and it's like and I know that sounds weird in a sexual connotation, but it's not weird It's what everybody says. I never get it. It just we I don't think it's that we're best friends I think that I actually and you actually we like being around each other That's the also said something else fair a lot of people don't like fair amounts that are important the fair There's something that like I listen I've been with a lot of other women and I never took any of it very seriously. I didn't have that pheromone. They're like, yeah, we had fun and all that.

But there was never that kind of real connection where it was gonna be something long-term. At chemistry. Like you just felt like, okay, this is a thing you're doing for a small period of time. Yeah, I mean, I'm not gonna, again, divulge my life, but let's hypothetically say there was one girl who I'm insanely in love with. Like I would say to her, I think I like you so much sexier than I love you.

Way sexier. Not that I love you isn't appropriate and of of course we want love, and I do. It's not a very sexy thing to say to you. When I say I like you, it's just so much realer. And it's just sexier, and it's like, you can love somebody and not like them anymore, and people get there. And that's the secret.

Keep the like alive. People say, keep the love alive. Love, at a certain point, it starts to pass into codependency and lots of other things that maybe are sort of wearing the cloak of love, but I'm not sure they are. But like has to be real. Like, you asked me before, have I gone out with girls who are dumber?

Quite a few. You know, now when I was younger, would I actually be stupid enough to make them my girlfriend? Yes. Because when I was 25, it was just about, oh, she's good looking, I could be with her. You know, that ended a long time ago.

But you could have a nice relationship with someone who's not your intellectual peer. As you get older, that's not going to happen anyway. But that's not love. And love, I've learned more from relationships that had ended. Meaning you missed them after. Like no, meaning like I helped them after. Like I was there for them.

Like if they needed me and sometimes they did because like the love stayed. You just didn't like them that much anymore. I totally liked them. But you know, when. So there's never been one that's come close where you're like I could see myself with this one. I went to this girl, women are like this because the arrow goes right through me on this story but this kind of subject was afoot and I said you know it's like the relationship is the plane

You know, it's like the relationship is the plane and the sex is the fuel. The plane runs out of fuel. The plane crashes. And you know what she said? She said through tears, yeah? Well, my fuel is love. It's like, boom, okay, you got that. You got that one.

We don't need to throw the red flag. Men and women are different. Men and women are different. They are different. Sometimes they win. Sounds like something kind of a romance comedy. That is why we've been together so long, though. Everyone asks what the trick is.

We like each other. It's not about- Very important. It's so important. I mean, we go out to parties and dinners and stuff, and we like, like, I don't have to go on the guys trips and the boys, I'll do those things, but I'm not trying to escape my, you know what I mean? I see a lot of these guys, like, it's a golf trip.

Well, that's, I mean, it's not, if you're at that point, but you- That to me is the biggest problem with lots of relationships is that it gets to a point where the guys, when they're talking real, they talk to the guys. And the women, when they're talking real, talk to each other. And the couple doesn't really talk to each other about real shit.

There's this myth that the more you get to know each other, the more intimate, no, actually the less, because there's more things that have built up over the years, more little fights you had, more little things that would trigger somebody, a memory of something bad. God forbid you ever actually had a cheating scandal and people try to get over that as if she ever forgets it. All these little landmines, these eggshells that you're constantly walking around, that to me is not a relationship.

I mean, a relationship is like, I don't want to ever walk on any eggshells, you know? There's nothing I can say that will make the person, you know, make me feel bad about it because it's honest and real. And if you have real love, you know, I don't know. Yeah, I guess that's rare, but... Yeah, I mean, I don't... People just live these egg shell-y lives that... It's not worth it.

We're very careful to give relationship advice, even with the platform we have to people, because I understand to your point how it's rare and everyone's circumstances are different and I don't ever want to think that our situation is the same as somebody else's situation. And my dad used to tell me when he was like, you never give anybody relationship advice because you tell somebody, hey, Bill, you need to be with this girl the rest of your life or whether she ruins your life, I've just ruined your life. Or you say, hey, Bill, you need to break up with this the rest of your life, or whether she ruins your life, I've just ruined your life. Or you say, hey, Bill, you need to break up with this girl and it was the love of your life and I've also ruined.

It's just too difficult to tell people what to do. You can't win as the outside advisor. No, you can't win in a lot of those kinds of situations. You definitely can't win when you're breaking up with someone. No matter what you do, they will say you handled it wrong. Because they just want to yell at you. How does Bill break up with someone?

Like, what's your break up, what's your monologue? Can you please give it to me? Like, pretend you're breaking up with me. Are you just saying, listen, we've run out of fuel. I can't, I want to hear what you actually. You saw what happened the last time I tried it. How do you break up with someone? I got crazy, shot down by the greatest line ever.

Yeah, that's a good one. You sit her down and you say... My fuel is love. I mean, talk about a trump card. Talk about a mic drop. Like a fuck you maleness. What do you say? What's your...

A woman's crying in front of you and you say... I wouldn't even try after that. I would just... No, I mean, it's not an issue. First of all, here's the most important thing at any age is total honesty. If you're totally honest from the get-go, I'm 68. Nobody thinks we're going down the primrose path.

I love being, whenever I got, I don't know, late 50s, to a point where it was like sort of unrealistic that we would start on the path, it was like, thank you, Jesus. My whole life, I've been looking for the excuse for what I wanted my whole life, which is to stay a bachelor, to stay single. It wasn't easy.

It wasn't easy. But at this point, you're saying it's like, it's built in. He has an excuse. I have a real eligible. I have a built in excuse. I don't have to make it up. It's actually amazing. He doesn't point you're saying it's like, it's built in. He doesn't explain. I have to be an eligible. I don't have to make it up. It's actually amazing. He doesn't have to worry about it.

Right. I could just say, if I got you pregnant tomorrow, I'd be 85 when the kid got out of high school. Is that what you want? Yeah. And discussion over. But, I mean, look, the great thing about young girls is that they don't want it either. We're at the exact same place, oddly, at different ends of the spectrum. Like, they're not looking for that.

So what's the typical one? And they're so just over. The guys their age are so horrible. Oh, I don't blame them. Horrible. I hear nothing but the complaints about these. They don't know how to talk to a girl, they're pussies. Yeah.

They grew up on the phone and porn, so they think anal is like first base and choking is second. I mean, they're just. Yeah, we're the last, we're little. I could be a thousand years old, and it would be better than talking to that douchebag. Do you know what's funny though?

This is why though I just said on our show I would never be married if it wasn't for Michael because of what you're saying. This is the kind of, that's what he's right. But you know what's funny though? We're closer. It's slim pickings out there. It's slim pickings. We're closer in age to the people you're describing than to you, but we probably relate

more to you because we were the last generation to not have phones. We didn't get one of these with social media until we got out of college. That is a key difference. I went through college, high school, middle school as you did basically. It's funny, we have younger siblings and they grew up with nothing but this, the dating apps, the social apps. We didn't have any of this and so we had to go through normal interactions. But from a relatability standpoint, I think a lot of older cost millennials actually relate less to the age younger and more to the older people.

That is the key demarcation. It's the technology. Is when people grew up with it as an appendage, as they never knew anything different. Yeah, I mean, we, like I said, I remember you had to go outside, you had to play, when I would, you would find a girl, you would have, like there was one girl, there wasn't, you didn't have endless supply of supplies. I'll tell you what it is for me. It's made people lazy, and it's made men that are my age lazy.

And the problem for me isn't the porn or the anal or the note conversation, but it's the laziness, and it's the lack of discipline and the distraction of the phone. It's a turn-off. It's not multifaceted, it's not interesting. It's not different layers, it's just boring. It's not multifaceted, it's not interesting, it's not different layers, it's just boring. It's fucking lazy.

I could not agree more, although to do anal, I do think there does take some discipline and some planning. Yeah, and definitely they can't go to dinner first. Planning, I do not plan to do. But yes, I guess there's something going on in there. But I look at that like heroin. Like it's the one drug I never did.

Maybe it's that great. I don't wanna know. Yeah, yeah. I'm kinda good with what I have. Maybe it would be worse if I found something that made me feel that good. Well the way I think about it is- Getting fucked in the ass while I'm on heroin.

Yeah, you could try it as a last straw. That could be the last. That's what you're gonna need. If you wanted to do like a blackout show, that's your last show. That might be kind of cool. That's the way you end the show. The way to go out.

Yeah, kind of a soprano's ending. Yeah. But me on heroin getting fucked in the ass. Pull that clip, someone pull that clip. So, but you're never tempted to do anything like out of the box to keep the spark alive. Sure, we do out of the box stuff. No, but, no, okay, out of the box. What do you consider out of the box?

No, I mean, like is it gonna show? Because, like, girls and guys think of that different. I remember one time, listen to this, I'm on a plane, and I'm going somewhere, and I'm meeting this girl in, I don't even want to say the city, but a sexy city. And she's like, oh, you know, when we get there, I'm like this, and then all the sexy things. And I knew, I mean, it was just rose petals on the floor. Yeah. You know, like, but if I was younger,

when she had done it, I would have thought, oh great, she's bringing a girl, gonna have a threesome. No, that's what the guy thinks. It's like, under her things, oh no, it was candles and rose petals leading to the bed. But with the younger girls that you're dating, they've got, I feel like they are suggesting threesomes, no? Well, first of all, dating, please.

I spend all my time on improving America. I don't have time for any sort of dating or anything. What about all those, there was that line of women when we walked in there. They are never in a line. I feel that's wrong and we don't call them extras. We call them background. No, we don't use that term anymore. They're midgets. Wait, that's wrong too. I don't call them extras. Okay. We call them background. No, we don't use that term anymore. They're midgets.

Wait, that's wrong too. I don't know. Yeah. You got to be careful what you use nowadays. Is there anything that you've said that's taken you close to the edge where you're like, ooh, maybe that one's like I shouldn't have said? Oh, yeah.

Or I've been fired, bro. No, I know. He's kidding. I was run off the ABC Disney Network But at the time did you think I don't know that Disney's the right match. Yeah, I wouldn't I mean You know, they saw it as defending the terrorists, which I don't know something bothered people about that. But you know look But, you know, look, if I started to pull my punches, I would lose the bond I have with my audience, which is the key thing in my life

and what gives me what I have, everything. I mean, that's how I got these pull cues. I mean, everything came from that. So. Well, you know what's funny is like I run, my day job is I run a media business, I produce a lot of shows. I know you do.

I always tell people, I said, listen, if you want to play the safe middle where you don't really say anything, you don't really share how you feel, like if I'm working my executive, and I watch the numbers on people that do that, and it's just like, nobody cares.

It's boring, it's vanilla. Yeah, and those people are also successful. There are many of them. To a degree. Eh, I mean, in ways people are also successful. There are many of them. To a degree. Yeah, I mean, in ways that I am not. But I don't wish I was them. But yeah, you can be very successful not offending people.

Don't you think it's... Honesty is something that people say they want, and not a giant majority want that. Yes, there is a great audience, and not a giant majority want that. Yes, there is a great audience, and I think it's a much more sophisticated and better audience, that wants honesty and likes that, but it is not everybody.

I know some people very, very close to me who don't want that. They just want to hear what their team already believes and says. They do not want anything entering their headspace that makes them question this Manichean one side versus the other world we live in. They're on the good team. There's this bad team. There's no difference in between. One side lies, one side always tells the truth. It's wrong, it's bullshit.

But that's it. For some people, nuance equals nervous. You don't want nuance. But to your point earlier, it seems like a lack of intelligence to not continue to question and to be so fixated on just your side, it's not smart. I know. I believe that completely.

I could sign my name to that statement. You can't hear any other one's opinion. But it's not that simple. It's very similar to the question I asked when I made my religious movie, Religious, that like my question wasn't, you know, am I going to find my spirituality or am I really an atheist? That I knew already. It was how can so many people who are otherwise super intelligent believe in the bullshit that religion tells them.

How can you be a scientist and believe in the virgin birth? And so my point is that it's just never that simple. It's tempting to say, oh, you people are just stupid because you don't get it. They're not stupid. They just perceive reality differently, and everybody has gaps. I mean, I feel, because I'm me in my head, I don't have those gaps, but maybe I do.

I feel like I can easily see the gaps in their logic. But, you know, I don't know, Francis Collins is head of the National Institutes of Health. Brilliant man. I think he helped on mapping the human genome. Christian believes that God flew down like a dove and fucked a Palestinian girl named Mary. And then she had this boy, Jesus, who walked on water and raised the dead back, and then he came back to life. And I can't explain that. And while we're still on this earth,

unless AI takes over maybe our brain soon, people will always be that complicated. Yeah, I think people... Like, I was listening to somebody talk about this, and he was a guy that was basically saying there's so many forces stacked against you in life that at some point, humans inherently have to start looking to some kind of higher power

just to get through the bullshit and the odds that are already stacked against you. So I think a lot of people look to spirituality or religion or something like that, one, for that extra push, but also just for answers as to how does this... I mean, some people think there's a simulation, some people think there's a heaven, and some people think there's a hell... There's so many different things that people think, but I think nobody's done a good job of answering what's next. And that's very analogous to our discussion earlier about medicine. Doctors are a priesthood. People are scared when they go to the doctor. Medicine is about your mortality. And you want to believe, not me, I want to head a little differently and I think you do, but

lots of people want to believe there is this one man, my doctor, who has the answer. Your right's God-like. Uh-huh. And it's just easier. I've kept a detailed log of every health event I've ever had. Really? Since 1975 when I was 19. Give me an example of what would be in that log.

Anything that ever, like any medicine I started to take, any, you know, just if I, you know. Would you say like I've had a bout of headaches these last three weeks? Yeah. Or cut my toe or, you know. Unfortunately, the log gets more fulsome as the years go by because when you're younger.

Does that not make you more neurotic about that? I could look up. Did I ever have a urinary tract infection? Oh, yeah, I see. Here it is. I was 28 at the time I had sex in Phoenix with that waitress and then fell asleep with the condom on, or whatever it was. Stupid shit.

Just hanging there like a loose sock. Yeah, I mean I could tell you how many antibiotics I took. That's important. You want to be... So you track that so that when you go to a medical professional you can say this is the history as opposed to just going to a guy... Yeah, but they don't care. I can send it to them.

A lot of them don't care. Well, not the ones I would be with. That's what I was saying before, yes. If you're just in some sort of co-op or something, because I hear these stories from younger people I know, and they say, yeah, I went to the doctor. Did you know him? No, never met him before.

OK, well, he doesn't know anything about you and your medical history. This is going to be shit medicine at best. He's going to read a chart, read a number. He's going to be shit medicine at best. You know, he's gonna read a chart, read a number. He's gonna prescribe something. Yeah, maybe it'll get rid of it now, but it's just really not the way medicine should be practiced. But, you know...

Well, we get labeled as, like, woo-woo people because I think we take a lot of our personal health into our own hands. I mean, fortunately, we get to speak to so many people on the show that have different backgrounds in medicine, and so we're getting these different opinions, but we're the first people to say,

hey, pump the brakes, buddy. We're gonna kind of do our own research before we. You do have to be your own guru. You have to take accountability for your own health. You can't just, it's like. Exactly. And you'd be surprised, I mean mean maybe you wouldn't be surprised. So many people get so mad at us when we say,

hey, just because you have a doctor doesn't mean... It's so easy to catch your doctor at being wrong at something. Not because he's trying, just because the facts are changing all the time. Medicine is changing all the time. What they know, what they don't know. And you know, you can't expect your doctor to know everything.

So, okay, no problem. But then don't give him these priestly-like powers. We had a doctor here in LA when, you know, we live in Texas now, but when we lived in LA and we had a child, and this is like a personal story, but basically when the COVID vaccine came out, don't worry, it doesn't affect kids, no harm for kids. They don't need to do anything.

This is so fucked. They get sick, they're fine in a week, no problem. A few months later, hey, you need to get your kid these vaccines. And I was like. We get all these emails, get your kid, yes, he's told me to my face. And if we didn't, basically, it was like,

you've gotta be removed. And we said, hey, pump the brakes, buddy. Three months ago, you were saying kids have no issues with this. Like why? And I think like as parents, a lot of people felt gaslit. I don't go to that.

And they felt disheartened because you were told one thing one moment and then a different thing at another moment. Yes, and this is where it gets. Now you can't trust people. Well, and it also gets where it gets super political because this kind of stuff, yeah, this is a far left thing.

Like vaccines are God's gift to the world. Let us not question anything about them. You cannot do wrong by getting as many vaccines as we can pump out into as many people as we can find, including children. And that is just so stupid. It is so unscientific. And it's just wrong. I mean, diseases are different.

The Spanish flu of 1918 killed young people. Sure. If this thing had been the Spanish flu, I would have been very scared of it. And I would have fought you for the vaccine. But this was different. And kids, I mean, probably of all the collateral damage, and there is a lot to how we handled it, probably what we did to kids is the worst,

not just keeping them out of school. Dr. Phil came on our show and said that we're going to see the repercussions of what we did to children for years and years to come. I think we're seeing it now. I mean, they were stupid enough to begin with. I mean, I don't know how old are your kids? Four and two. So they... Four and two? Oh. Luckily, they were so young.

Yeah, they're trying to give a four-year-old the COVID vaccine. Well, our son got born in 2022, so he kind of missed a lot of that, but our daughter... But anyways, we have a lot of friends that had kids that were pulled out of school or sat at home and had to learn on screens and all that. You want kids off the screens already. Even before COVID, I was speaking frequently as a vaccine skeptic and have paid the price. But that was a left thing for a lot.

It was one of those issues where the far left said enough of Belmar. But don't you think, at once, the left at one point were the ones that were the most skeptical of vaccines. Some of them, yes. There was always those, the hippies, yes. But that wasn't a right issue. It became that.

It became completely political. Whereas, yes, it is a little bifurcated, because there is a division of the left hippie types who are anti-back, but the majority of the left viewpoint is always super safety. Like, we're the good people because we believe in the maximum amount of safety and what you have to do for safety.

And yes, if we put this in the car, this law that says a bing goes off if you leave your child in the backseat, which will cost everybody, I don't know, $2,000 more for every car they buy. We're good people, as if that's a thing. Yes, people do leave kids in the backseat sometimes, usually because they intend to,

which is how sick humanity is, or they're crackheads, and a little bing is not gonna change it. Anyway, that's always their thing, more safety. So more vaccines was better, always better. And again, it's just not scientific. And you probably hurt your kids because, look, nobody knows the answer to this. I was going to say, before even COVID, I was always questioning this by saying, look, I don't know what causes cancer.

And I'm not saying it's vaccines, and I don't think it is. But what we don't know is that it is some confluence of things we're doing to ourselves that we weren't doing 100 years ago when cancer rates were much lower. So is vaccine something that is in that mix if we actually could study this, along with electromagnetic energy

and lots of other things that mercury and chemicals that weren't around before, plastics, a million things. We just did an episode. God forbid you ask that question, though. It's a legitimate question for which I don't have the answer, and neither do you. We just did an episode.

And neither do you. So if I'm going to have to make the choice between a vaccine or not, I'm going to go, in general, I would rather trust my immune system as I have learned to treat it and nourish it, as opposed to a vaccine. But again, if it's the Spanish flu, then it's different. Was it on our show, we were just talking about how you do some form

of intermittent fasting at times where you don't eat. That was another thing. I mean, my biggest problem was I trusted my immune system and my metabolic health at the time, and I hated the idea that we were categorizing every single person of every single age group as the same. You totally don't need that vaccine.

I can tell by looking at you. Of course. And you don't need it either. Of course. I can tell that with the naked eye. You don't need that vaccine. And I'm sure there are people, oh, Bill, look at that, a comedian diagnosing two people.

He's not a doctor and he's saying, you do it just with the naked eye. Yeah, you know what, there's a small chance that couldn't be right, but everything is a small chance it couldn't be right. But actually, I'm right. I can just look at you, I know your age, I know I can see you're healthy.

I've had many doctors say to me, usually I can tell when somebody walks into my office if they're healthy or not. You can, you literally wear it on your face. Yep. Now, there are things obviously that are more complicated than that, but you don't need the vaccine.

Other people did, and I'm glad they had it. It saved millions of lives. I say that every time this comes up because I want the people to understand. I'm not unreasonable about this. I get it. But the lives it saved were mostly people who had done to themselves ill health to begin with.

Not all to themselves. Yes, there's lots of people of compromise situations, not their fault. We shouldn't even ask if it's their fault. Doesn't matter. They should get life-saving treatment, no matter what. We all do shit to ourselves that hurts ourselves. We don't want to start down that road of, oh, you're a smoker, so you don't get to...

No, you know, we all are doing something, even if it's like stress or... Whatever it is. ...maternities or whatever, drugs. But you know, if you're healthy and you don't need something, that's it. That's all people like us are asking. And again, the irony is it's the most reasonable position, not the most unreasonable. So you as somebody who has traditionally, I think, leaned more left, during that period of time, what was it like when you started catching flack

for speaking out like this? Famous with all these issues that the left has gone nuts about. I mean, it's the subject basically of the book I put out this year. It's probably the subject of the special I'm gonna do at the end of the year. I haven't changed.

I'm basically what I've always been. Left of center, but not afraid to call out the bullshit that happens anywhere, including on the left. They just didn't used to be as crazy. I noticed it. They do this all the time. They do nutty shit. And then I notice it and they blame me.

Okay, it's not my fault. And I'm not going to hold my tongue when you do nutty shit. And the response to COVID was nutty to my view. And it was driven, I mean, look, part of it happened under Trump, but I mean, most of it was driven by the hypersensitivity, hypersafetyism of the left. And again, always about the identity politics, in this case, obese people. We could not mention that. I mean, this is again a scientific situation. Let the science rule.

Isn't that what the liberals are always saying? Follow the science. Okay, the science told us who was vulnerable. It would be like saying, well, you know, AIDS. We don't know who it attacks. Well, we do. Gay men and intravenous drug users in America, that's not saying I'm against those groups.

I'm all for helping those groups or any groups that need our help medically. But that's just the scientific fact. And if there's a certain specific segment of the population that's most vulnerable, we should protect them more and also inform them more and let the rest of us live our lives. You know? I wasn't fat during COVID, and I wasn't taking it up the ass during AIDS. And that's my position. It's so funny. You're pretty funny.

Pretty? Jesus. I can report he's very funny and he's wearing a very stylish outfit the boots The belts the jeans if Trump walked in here right now You're like my key. You're my obvious demographic. You know me like me watch me. You don't know the fuck about me Yeah, but now you're gonna get her. I'm into it more Good, that's why we're doing this.

I love that. You know what's so funny? I love new people at my sex party. She'll bring people on the show. We'll be there. I saw a lot of baby oil. I'll teach people some techniques. She brings a lot of people on our show, and I am in the boat.

I'm like, what's going on here? And I can't watch what they do until after I meet them. So I feel like now she's gonna... No, I obviously know who Bill is. I've seen him... No, you know who Bill is. I do. After 31 years. She knows who I am. Yeah, hi, nice to meet you. Yeah. I'm very excited to be on his show. I'm not very savvy with politics. I'm not afraid to... Wait, you were gonna ask if Trump walked in what?

I was gonna, yeah, I was gonna ask you if Trump walked in right now, right here, and wanted to sit down. What's your energy? Would you do club random with him? Yeah, what's your energy? Yeah, you would do club random with him. I think you would. Well, I get your advice on how to blow him and then do that. I mean, give him some.

Maybe that's the first anal experience. Who's on Doc? I can't even. Anyway, but. Would you interview him? Of course. How do you ever interviewed him? Did you see the tweet he sent out about me this week? No, I didn't see it. No, but I'm sure it was me.

What'd he say? I'm not telling you. Look it up. It's on Google. Okay, so what you would interview him? I can't even 100% He would. He would 100%. He just literally said the whole conversation, he's open to hearing other people's opinions. He would 100% sit with him. That's the whole conversation. He wants to hear both sides.

You're right. That's he's. What are you wearing right now, lip gloss or? Yeah. This is the lip gloss I use. Every girl should get it. It's great. Interesting that we had the blow job discussion.

And immediately you went to that thing. Every girl's. You know what? I've been married for a long time. I know the secrets. One of them's lip gloss. I wonder if I have a contact high yet from this. Why? Because it makes the lips look glossy.

It makes them plumpy and wet. It smells good if you get the right one. You're right. I know. I am right. Listen, you tell me about politics, I'll tell you about blowjobs. All right. It's gonna be a little lopsided. I think I have a lot more ground to cover.

But OK. Let's start with the Declaration of Independence. All right, it's 1776. Benjamin Franklin is already 92. My dad is not allowed to listen to this episode. No. We're going to block it from his devices. Why?

What are we saying that's so bad? No, her dad's personal. My dad's personal. Hi, Brad. After you get married, I block it from his devices. Why? What are we saying that's so bad? No, nothing. First of all, after you get married, I feel like all bets are off. You're allowed to do anything. You're allowed to do anything. No, her dad sends me, it's funny, guys will send memes or pictures about her. Her dad sends me more wild shit than my friends.

Like of what? When he's looking at her ass, when he's out to dinner with the wife and he's looking at the ass. Her dad's just sending me always the funniest shit. Who's looking at whose ass? When? What? Explain the meme.

No, her dad just sends me wildly inappropriate memes all the time. Oh, really? You love it. I think it's hilarious. We have that kind of relationship. Oh, that's, yeah. Well, I came from my dad, wildly inappropriate. Right. And your dad did settle down at some point? He did settle down. How long is that been now? It's been 20 years

Oh, well, it's been around your age. Yeah, yeah around your age And how old is the wife the wife's younger 15 years younger? I think but listen She's the one that's ever got a bad start. I'm never marrying you. You're never going to get me. You wish. Just like you. Yeah. It works. This is, Pamela Anderson says, the way to get a guy is to tell them that you'll never marry them.

They can't help it. Is that true? I mean, I do find that amazingly attractive if some girl says, I really am not interested in getting married. But it's not like, it's not like because I'm chasing her. I mean, at my age, I'm not chasing anybody. I mean, I think I've earned it. You gotta chase me.

I mean, I've done it for 50 years. Do you ever chase a girl, though? No, first of all, they wouldn't want me if I did. There's nothing less attractive. I like to be pursued. I like to be a little, I like. like to be pursued. I like to be a little island. Not at my age. You cannot do it at my age. It's just wrong. Really? I like to be hunted. It's just wrong. I would never hit on a girl at my age. If they hit on me,

that's a different story. But I would never hit on them. That's just wrong. I would never hit on a guy. I would want to hit on me. So you wait for the approach. I'm not doing anything. I told you. I'm good. Girls are taking notes. I'm good. Okay, he's good. I'm good. He's playing the old I'm good, I'm not available. We're going to get the low down from you off here, Bill. You're holding back on us.

You're not telling us to pull something. I told you right up front I'm holding back on you. I don't want to talk about Mrs. Fitzgerald. You don't want to meet my hot friends? I just met you today and you're asking me about anal and you're holding back on us. I didn't, well, I did, I guess. So you don't want to meet my half-brother? I just met you today and you're asking me about anal and you're holding back on us. I didn't, well, I did I guess.

Well, I mean, come on. You asked my wife about anal, Bill. I'm fascinated. I have to tell you, I once had a distant relative who they were was married like my second uncle or something

and he was married to somebody, and they worked together, like you do, in a furniture store. They like, got up in the morning, and like, made breakfast together, and then got in the car together, and drove to the furniture store, and worked all day in the furniture store together,

and then went home, and then had dinner together, and... Sounds like us. We're not working in, we don't work in a fucking furniture store. and then went home and then had dinner together and... Sounds like us. We don't work in a fucking furniture store. Even as a child, I thought, wow. It's a lot. Let me tell you something. I don't even like girls yet and I'm already tired of this one.

If I was selling couches with my wife, we wouldn't be sitting here. Right, so yeah, you only see each other when you do the podcast. We have our own businesses. We come together to do the show. It's like a side hustle that we do together. Coming together is so important. I also think, I'm a big believer in ignoring your husband. I do a lot of different tricks and tips where I just ignore him. Tricks and tips?

Yeah, like I'll decline his call. I don't text back right away. I'm unavailable. I don't know. I don't notice him. Tricks and tips. Yeah, like I'll decline his call. I don't text back right away. I'm unavailable. I don't know. I don't notice this stuff though. I just... Yes, you do because you won't leave me alone. Oh my god. You won't leave me alone.

No, I don't. He likes it. I just figured you're doing something. He constantly has to pursue. You'll have to interview me alone. This goes under the category... Because you're not dealing with it. Well, definitely not.

You don't know. But this goes under the category of... Psychotic. No We're just all different. This is such a personal thing Yeah, how we relate that which is why we should never judge. No one judge me I don't judge you what works for you. You know what when she's doing that? I'm just playing my video game I mean like man, this is why I just so quiet in the house That's such a lie like anything like that would never work for me, because I would know it's contrived.

It's not contrived. She likes her little games. I really am busy. I really am busy. I'm doing my own thing. I'm running my business. Sorry. But you say it turns him on.

Yeah, he likes it. OK, well, that sounds a little contrived to me. Like a little like. And a little manipulation never hurts. Hey, you know what? Whatever gets the flag up the pole. I honestly just thought that it was really quiet in the house for a few hours.

And that, Bill, I do enjoy. I have a little bit of a... Yeah, that wouldn't work for me. I like to starve in with my presence. Starving, I totally get, because that's, not to give away too much, but that's a little bit of my secret. Starvation.

I would rather miss somebody for a period of time, and then when I'm with them, when I say, God, I missed you. Hence why you do it. Really mean it. This makes sense. Now, let me just tell you. Then be with them all the time and not be able to say that. I always talk about this on our show.

Absence is actually more important than presence, and people don't seem to understand that with social media. They constantly think that they have to be present, but what it actually ends up doing is saturating. But you guys live together with kids. You don't have absence. I have absence.

I have all different kinds of tricks on my sleeve. No, but I think people look at us and they think... You've got to keep it hot. That's not real absence. We've been married for a long time. Oh on my sleeve. No, but I think people look at us and they think... You've got to keep it hot. That's not real absence. We've been married for a long time. Oh, I understand. No, I'm just saying. I go away. But real absence is like absence.

No, we're not away from that. We're not apart from each other. And that's... Sometimes, you don't want to do it sometimes. Again, whatever works, but I need real absence. Microdosing absence. Right. Yeah. Well, that's why I don't microdose. I tried that once with acid, I tried it with mushrooms. I was like, this sucks.

You'd be interesting on mushrooms. I've done mushrooms a zillion times. I was like, when I microdosed, I was like, this sucks. If you're going to do mushrooms, let's do them. Oh, you like to do it full on. Yeah. I got it. It's going hard.

Yeah. What is this finger fucking? Let's see the fucker go home. I mean, what? Right? That makes sense to me. We've covered a lot of ground. We've covered a lot of ground. We sure have.

So again, the no-ever temptation to do anything like out of the box, Puff Daddy-ish. You know what? I'm not going to Puff Daddy. You ever did a threesome? Oh, we've had micro experiences. A micro? I don't know what that means.

Here's the thing. We've had all sorts of people come on the show, and we've had these open relationship people come on the show. No, we're not at open relationship. And tell us how this is going to work. You shouldn't. And by the way, every single one of those people

that's come on and said that, eight years have gone by since they've done their first, it's all ended in disaster for them. It always does. And they come on and they- Nobody, my line out of that was, nobody's that hip. Yeah, nobody's that hip. There are things that people think they can do.

Like 69, no one can do that. But like... Not well. Not well. But... You're not going to walk in on that and be like, man, that looks great. Like, you know... Good form.

When you're like 30 or whatever age, you think you're so hot shit, you go through that phase where you do threesomes and you just realize it's... First of all, someone is always jealous. Yeah. It's like, you could know one woman in the threesome only 10 minutes longer than the other one, and she would be jealous. Yeah.

They call it a unicorn, though, if they're not jealous. Have you heard of a unicorn? Sure. Yeah, but Damon told me about a unicorn. Oh, Damon. Damon. Please. You should have Damon in here. No, but Damon told me about a unicorn. Oh, Damon. Damon. Please. You should have Damon in here.

No, I shouldn't. Yeah, he's pretty, it's pretty. I like him, he's a sweet guy, but we don't need to be taking his advice on. I just think it's hard enough to manage two people's emotions. I don't think he managed either his professional version of sex or the personal life that great to like be taking it by.

He said that there's something called a unicorn where it works. This is his mouth, not mine. Let's talk to him in eight years. Everybody. Yeah, I agree. I'm sure. Well, first of all, there is. There's always a unicorn for everything. No one's that hip. You're right. I'm just saying, like, I've never had one where the one person wasn't jealous because the second you look deep into somebody's eyes when you're fucking them, which is the only way you should do it,

if you're doing it right, they're gonna be jealous. The only way to make them not jealous is if you're fucking the other person and you're kinda like looking off board, playing with your phone, then you'd be okay. You should have a threesome extra. Oh, I didn't realize I was fucking her. Then you'd be okay. You should have a threesome extra. Oh, I didn't realize I was fucking here. Then you'd be okay.

Other than that, somebody's going to be jealous. I can rationalize it in my brain, and I just think I can see it going wrong in so many ways that it's just off the dinner menu for me, if that makes sense. I can see it being exciting for a minute, and then a total chainwreck right out. First of all, you and I are similar like that.

I don't need, I go through and I think about, it's not worth the problem. Be super into the one person you're doing. It's not designed for three people. It's just, it's so funny now that we live in the age where everybody is non-binary and on the spectrum and gay and fluid and trans. I'm like, yeah, but you know what?

Whenever I'm like having actual sex and the penis goes in the vagina and it feels amazing to her and amazing to me, I'm thinking, geez, it's almost like we were designed to do it this way. You know? And even a threesome is like a violation of that. It's like, yeah, but. I'd also like to think that I'm that manly,

but I don't know, I don't believe that I'm gonna be that great in being able to go and both play. You're not, you only have one day. Yeah, I can't, you know, I don't have, men are not good multitaskers, I'm general. The worst, never seen worse. I'd rather dominate one than disappoint two.

Okay, I like, I bet you they're gonna pull that clip. That's how you read the show. That's the title of this episode. I'd rather dominate one than disappoint two. That's the name of this episode. Well, we don't name the episodes, but I know you're going to plug it on your show. I will plug it on my show.

You've got to get everybody on your show. All the women. To watch this show. Yeah. They should anyway. To watch this show. Yeah. They should anyway. They'd enjoy it. Yeah. A lot of women, a lot of millennial women.

I'll get them to come. This is probably the best thing you could do for your phase one life. Yeah, I'm scared of all the applications that you're going to get. I'm good. No, I think he's good. Well, you might be better now. I'm good. No, thank you for having us.

Thank you for being had. Yeah. This is fun. I think I got a good contact. I'm good. No, thank you for having us. You're the best. Thank you for being had. Yeah. This is fun. I think I got a good contact. I'm ready to, I'm ready to, I'm ready to. Maybe I'll stay up past 11 tonight. You guys don't smoke the Wacky Weed? I don't know how you smoke and you don't get high. You're like normal.

I don't? No. Jesus, what a disappointment. I was feeling great. What do you mean I don't get high? I smoked one hit of that. That's you. I know. That's you.

That's the whole point of the episode. Well, I mean, we are all different like that. You are all different. There are things people do that I like. People who can rap rhymes off the top of their head or gymnastics. When I was in college, I tried. It never hit right with me. I couldn't.

And people would say, you did it wrong. I watched smoke it. And it only works for about one third of the people. Yeah, it didn't work, it didn't, I couldn't, every time I did it, I couldn't get, and then they'd say, oh you did too much, or you did too little, and all. It only really agrees with about a third of the people,

but luckily, it agrees with me on everything. ["I'm Not a Man"] That makes me wanna eat. Thank you for it. Yeah, I just wanted to do it now. Thank you very eat. Thank you for interviewing us. Yeah, I just wanted to do it now. Thank you. That was awesome. So much fun. I want to take a selfie with you outside.

All right. Is that okay? I'll sing, like, what a cool setup you have down here. Yeah.