Club Random with Bill Maher - Tim Allen | Club Random with Bill Maher

Episode Date: January 5, 2026

Actor/comedian and sitcom star Tim Allen drops by for a free-wheeling talk that veers from the unglamorous truths of RV life (yes, waste management) to UFOs, ancient pyramids, and everything we still can’t explain. Along the way, he and Bill swap comedy scars – bombing on The Tonight Show, the mystery of timing, and why some jokes are doomed – while touching on Tim’s run as TV’s ultimate put-upon everyman. Allen also gets personal about 30 years of sobriety, the odd romance between comics and cars, and why private planes are both essential and deeply absurd. Loose, funny, and unexpectedly thoughtful – two veterans dropping the act and just talking. Support our Advertisers: Connect with quality therapists and mental health experts who specialize in you at https://www.rula.com/random #rulapod #ad Subscribe to the Club Random YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.youtube.com/c/clubrandompodcast?sub_confirmation=1⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Watch episodes ad-free – subscribe to Bill Maher’s Substack: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://billmaher.substack.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you listen: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://bit.ly/ClubRandom⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Buy Club Random Merch: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://clubrandom.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices ABOUT CLUB RANDOM Bill Maher rewrites the rules of podcasting the way he did in television in this series of one on one, hour long conversations with a wide variety of unexpected guests in the undisclosed location called Club Random. There’s a whole big world out there that isn’t about politics and Bill and his guests—from Bill Burr and Jerry Seinfeld to Jordan Peterson, Quentin Tarantino and Neil DeGrasse Tyson—talk about all of it.  For advertising opportunities please email: [e-mail] ABOUT BILL MAHER Bill Maher was the host of “Politically Incorrect” (Comedy Central, ABC) from 1993-2002, and for the last fourteen years on HBO’s “Real Time,” Maher’s combination of unflinching honesty and big laughs have garnered him 40 Emmy nominations. Maher won his first Emmy in 2014 as executive producer for the HBO series, “VICE.” In October of 2008, this same combination was on display in Maher’s uproarious and unprecedented swipe at organized religion, “Religulous.” Maher has written five bestsellers: “True Story,” “Does Anybody Have a Problem with That? Politically Incorrect’s Greatest Hits,” “When You Ride Alone, You Ride with Bin Laden,” “New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer,” and most recently, “The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody But Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass.” FOLLOW CLUB RANDOM https://www.clubrandom.com https://www.facebook.com/Club-Random-101776489118185 https://twitter.com/clubrandom_ https://www.instagram.com/clubrandompodcast https://www.tiktok.com/@clubrandompodcast FOLLOW BILL MAHER https://www.billmaher.com https://twitter.com/billmaher https://www.instagram.com/billmaher Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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The business out here is not the business that I signed up for a long time ago. Yeah, I bet the money is. It's not like it used to be. Toy Story? Oh, that. I'm having a fun time going, I'm going to say a lot of stuff tonight

that might offend you. Get your phones out now, and let's go through this. That is not keep Mr. Allen waiting. No. I know he has. I'm already bored. Franchise.

Brian tries this to attend too. Hey, man, how are you? How are you, Ben? You look surprisingly similar to the last time I saw you, which was, I think, the early 50s. Or maybe it was our early 50s? No. Oh, God, why do you still?

No, I was just thinking about that. It was a Grammy thing or it was one of words, and you were hiding behind a plant somewhere. And I said, oh, he's kind of shy. Because I had done politically incorrect several times. Oh, yes, I remember. We were very excited because you were, like, the biggest name. We got Seinfeld on the first show and Roseanne, but then, you know, we went to Washington.

Was that where you were on? I don't know. No, I didn't know. The 23rd Street in the yard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, it was a big thing for us. I always. But when your studio, your studio was here at one point, wasn't it?

Yeah, then we moved to out here, we moved to ABC, and we've been at CBS. I've been in the same of the same. Like parking space, phone number since 1996. Yeah. Through two different networks. We're old now. Why do you got to go there? I know.

But you still do the road. I see, I quit last year. I'd done it for 42 years, and I got off this year. This 25, I did not do any dates. And we passed each other? They took your plane a thousand times. Right. And then, but one of those, I saw you in the casino, and you walk by,

I ignored me, so I said maybe... I didn't. You just walked by. Well, if I did... You weren't doing the MGM, or what was I doing? I was doing the Mirage for years. Yeah, the comedy, whatever they called it. No, no, not the comedy, no, I played the...

No, I wasn't doing like the comedy cabal game. No, no, what was it called? The legends of comedy... Yes, you're right. Yeah, yeah. We all did that for a line. That was a great room, and then... It's a great room.

I like that room. Leno did it? Yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah, there was like... Remember the car? They had us like on... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mine was like from the 30s. I looked like a car salesman. My deal was it was I started at the...

Tim, you are a car salesman. Yeah, good night, everybody. The woman with the guy, across the street, with the canal, Venetian. Oh, yeah. And next to the Venetian is the... I know, I played there for a while and then... Owned by Sheldon Adels. Yes, yes, yeah.

Is still alive? No. Or you may be resurrected. I mean, they've got some sort of drug they do that. But that was a nice room. If a man that wealthy dies, you know they don't have a cure for it, okay? Or they killed him because his kids want the money. It could be that.

Well, or because they're just very big supporters of Israel. The Adelsteins, yeah. And that's a controversial thing. I don't think it should be, but they are, but we won't get into that. We could get into that because they took one. I, out of nowhere, my family took my family on a, one of the trips I've taken on my tail, every year we do something really peculiar.

RV trip, which, I don't know, my wife was saying, I said, I really always wanted to take an RV, I says, yeah, I don't know about that. You know, we got halfway into it. I go, who dumps this thing? You know, when they all use the facilities. Right. That's when women act really dumb.

They go, oh, you're so strong, you do it. No, honey, it's not that Ted's sake no strength to just empty the valve that all the poop comes out of. You know, I've never thought about that. No, really. So, like, I'd love to know what do you have to do? Like, I know when you're on a boat, I remember being on a boat, somebody's boat at Cannes, and a truck does pull up. Yeah, yeah.

Early on, the boats dump the poop in the water. If they go out far enough, they can do it. They don't do that anymore. I don't at least they say they do. I hope so. But in an RV, there's a holding tank, and there's gray water, which is a, you know, after washing dishes and black what do they call and my wife and he said it's just simple it's a valve you got to undo the valve put it in a big hole in the ground and pump you know open a valve where is

this hole in the ground at the RV parks they have a big hole in the ground oh they do so you got to get rid of the shit you have to park at the park yes and there's not in my rich friends that want to do it they go well just get somebody to do it I go oddly enough there is nobody at an RV park that will dump dump your shit for you they just they just want to And you don't want to, and you don't have to bring them on the trip with you. You don't want to do that, right? Bring the guy on. Or, as I say, just don't take a shit.

Tell my wife, just hold it. We'll hold it for two weeks. But that's another thing. I've certainly talked to enough rock stars who talk about the tour bus. Yes. And the rules on the tour bus are all. Don't use it. Which I find.

The holding tank is this size. It's just, it's there for looks only. Take a crap. It does rest stops. I know that's what they say And I'm sure they do I find that highly impractical It is impractical

They just don't think about it They can only put so much in there It's kind of You know, once you're parked Then you can dump the stuff I mean one reason I Look what we're talking about What the fuck are we talking about?

And I'm not done talking about it here One reason I quit I just started I mean His excrement is the end of everything I put a good deal of extrament In your plane because one and one reason

I really don't want to go on the road anymore is because like that's what the problem was well I mean look you and I are spoiled when we for most of this century at least I and I'm sure you because it's your plane I could have

even gotten to these gigs if it wasn't a private plane because I had to leave I do the show my show Friday night okay I couldn't I have to go to do a Saturday night show Saturday day, you can't get to Boise, which I know you're going to. Boisee. Boise. Boise. Not Boiseezy. Don't say it like that.

Don't ever fucking say it like that. The other one is Waukegan, Illinois. I do, I do some, it's a best club, best state, great town. There's no place to get there. You have to fly a, of course. So Chicago and then take it to it. And the airlines are completely unreliable. We'd miss half our gigs. All right. So that's our justification. I can't even get into it. Okay. For a long time, I thought it was, you don't really like to say it. because I was one day, when I worked at Home Improvement, I could do pretty much anything, but didn't know it. Because I just was a comedian that got a lucky break, got that show,

really to get on Carson. That's the only reason I wanted to do anything was to get on Carson. I wanted to be a comic on Carson, which is a short, horribly non-funny joke. Incarcerated for many years, and when I was in there, I said I wanted to get on the Tonight Show. Not many years. Three.

It's not really many. Okay. It's a bus stop. Okay. I'm not saying I could do it? No, I'm telling you, you couldn't. I want to get into Tonight Show, so I did. I kept coming out here, but I'm a road comic. You know, that's what I did. You started making money, an old buddy mine that I now know, Seeger once told me, once you start putting butts in the seats, you own it. Bob Seeger? Yeah.

So he, and Detroit native, and he used to see me in Detroit. And he said, you start going back, do morning radio and for a very tough on me because I'm a late night guy. And I said, once you start going back to the punchline, the whole series of punchlines were in South, the South, I started filling it up. Punchline Comedy Club you're talking about. And I come out here to see Jim McCauley to audition for the Tonight Show. And I'm a guy that does an hour. And he goes, I need to see five clean minutes. I got it.

So I'd do at the Ice House or improv, and he'd go do clean minutes, and then I think he's there, and he's not. Then he'd do my regular act, and they'd talk about my nuts or whatever I'm talking about. And then he'd see me later go, you can't do Johnny, you can't do scrotum jokes. I go, the first five was for you. And it never worked. He finally just told me this isn't going to work. You can't do it. I can't.

I said, geez, McCauley, everybody knew I was hopping. So wait, you got Home Improvement before you did the tonight job? Yeah, because that is the opposite of what usually the template is, is they see you on the Tonight Show. Exactly. Then you get it. Right, because they saw Roseanne and they said, oh, my God, her stand-up is a show. You know, they saw... It was all freaking backwards. Oh, that's weird.

I got the stupid at the time, because I was, I used to, I focused, once I got incarcerated, I said, I don't want ever do this again. So I want to focus on what I want, not what I don't want. Aim for what you want and just avoid what you don't want. That's a racing trick. What's worse? Prison or a sitcom? No, I'm kidding. Prison or living in California under Gavin Nusance. I think prison, because at least you know what you get on Saturdays, you know, a pretty good meal.

But anyway, so I do the, I did this whole thing and I did a Showtime special men or pigs, and it got, that was when no time, it's like Netflix. It was huge for them. Came out here. I did the 5 o'clock funnies. Remember that? Gino Michelini. Very much, I remember it. And I got, instead of 50 calls, I got like 8,000 calls. Who was that guy grunting talking about lawnmowers? Because it was really weird. So I started hooking up here. Then Disney wanted to have me do Turner & Hooch. I said, well, that's, I already do it. Hanks is doing that. Well, how about Dead Poet Society? It's Robin Williams. They went me to a sitcom based on that.

So greatest day in my life, I walked away from Jeffrey Katzenberg, who I adore, a great guy. And I said, he walked out of the room and says, well, thanks. And he goes, the whole room was just stunned. We're offering you a deal at Disney, I mean, a holding deal or whatever they think it was. They had no idea what kind of money I was making on the road. So they were offering me like a week. And they didn't know that. So he calls me back in Detroit.

And he goes, did you just fly back there? And I go, yeah, I've got to go through the South again. And he goes, do you know we offered you? And I go, yeah, again, it was really a good idea, but I don't. And I'm not into it. It says, nobody says no to me. I've never had anybody say no. Yeah.

He says, what would you want to do? I said, look, I like this old house. I think that's a funny show. If I could do a show where it's instead of, I want to break things, instead of fix things, blah, blah, blah. They do the show, get the thing. I'm a big star. Carson, people call me, McCauley goes, he'd like to have you on the show. I said, well, I want to do the damn show as this TV guy.

He goes, what do you mean? I want to do stand-up. So I'm standing there in the back, and he goes, well, go out and do some stand-up. Okay? You know what to stand and everything? I had no idea what to do. Walked out, curtain hit me in the back of the head

because I didn't walk far enough out to the star. And I bombed. I freaking bombed. But that's also backwards because most people, me, it was one of them, was doing stand-up, and I couldn't wait for the day when they said, you're big enough just to sit down. Which is what I used to do with Leno,

but I was older and had my own. own show by then but I would have died if they would said you don't have to do stand up where you wanted to do that's all because I saw all the guys I so funny all buddy hack and all that air I loved I loved Johnny sits down after I bombed and he gets he looks to me in between braces I hope you're funnier than that whoa and I told him what the story I told him the story and he goes you know what come back next week do your stand-up fresh I came back the week after that killed on but I was you know already sitting down he was good to comics like that he really was... I'm not sure ex-wives would say

good... What's the word? Not real connective after the show. No? No. I mean, Johnny, as Ed said, Johnny packs a tight suitcase. Yeah? And also, for many years, was a drinker. Yeah. And a mean one. Well, who is it? Me. Oh, I don't... Do you get mean when you drink? I've been sober now 30 years, and no, I ever wasn't a mean drinker.

It was just a long-range drinker. What does that mean? You don't ever lay it up. You know, three in the morning, everybody's going, we should hit the sack. You know, I think I got a couple more hours in it. Yeah, but that's when you're young. You can put your body. No, that was any, you know, well, 30 years ago.

30 years ago. Yeah. I mean, you were people. It was tough for me to manage. I didn't, as I said, it's most guys like me. If a little is good, a lot's got to be better. Some is good, more is better. Too much is just right.

Yeah, yeah. The American motto. That's the model, yeah. Yeah, yeah. But, I mean, I think kids, if any kids are watching this in their 20s, they have this idea that when you're in your 40s, you're already over the hill. Because they see mom and dad, and it's like, and no, if you want to be a party animal in your 40s, I promise you, it's easy.

It's easy. In fact, it's fun because you're a full, grown-ass man or woman, I guess, could do it too. But for me, and now you know what life is, you're an adult, you have some money. You know, you can be Frank Sinatra in 1960. It's awesome, but when you're doing it when you're 22 or 25, you don't have any game, you're dumb, you don't have any money, you know, you just don't know what you're doing and you can't pull it off. It never, I drank when I was 11 years old when it was the kids. I watched cowboy movies. I used to love when they still don't understand that.

The cowboys get on the horse and they're sweating. They go into the saloon. They'd pour that brown liquor and they'd get back on the horse. And as a kid, I'd go, that shit must be very. refreshing. So I took a big jigger of Jim Beam. It's like I drank gasoline. I was choking. I thought I was going to die. Any normal people would have said, I'm never going to drink again, because that's horrible. I just said, I can't get used to that with a little sugar in it. You know, I get getting getting, and then I would drink, and it never affected me. All my buddies are vomiting or

passing out, you're getting in trouble with their parents. It never affected me. I'd get used to it. And never was enough. Never was not enough. It just didn't, I never said no to a drink. And I used to say, early on when I wanted to see, do I have a problem with alcohol? So I took a test, which was very funny. You take a test from John Hopkins, I think it was, to see if you were a problem drinker.

And do you ever lie about the number of drinks you had? It depends on what you see by lying. So you are lying. Have you ever not gone to a party because they didn't have any? And I went, oh, yeah. There's been a lot of weddings I've gone to, and they said, it's beer and wine. I went, I don't like either one, so I'm not going to the wedding. Right.

So I decided on that. In the very end, you had these, you know, 50 questions that's saying, you know, and I kind of cheated on some. I gave him some, you know, I thought, you know, 10 out of 50, I admitted. And the bottom says, if you're taking a test to wonder if you have a problem with drinking, you've already answered your question. And I went, fuck, fuck, I got tricked by that. That's funny. Yeah. I remember fairly vividly the last time I overdrank, and I was in my 50s.

So it wasn't like a long, long time ago. I mean, it was just too old. I was at a party. Like, I think it was some, I think it was awards week when the, you know, people think we're always partying out here. We're not. As my friend Jimmy says, every star I know is blown and in bed by 9.30. That's right.

Um, but this, there's a couple of weeks around award shows when there were a good party. Yeah, you're at. And I was there and, uh, Danny McBride, I love him, but his wife kept bringing over these shots. And, you know, you, the more you have, the more you forget how much you've had. And I mean, I was not, I was probably 55 or something. And, uh, I mean, I came home that night. My poor girlfriend at the time, you were supposed to meet me at the party. I seem to remember insulting the people she was with

just being drunk and thinking it was funny and it wasn't and got home and they had to carry me from the driveway. I spilled out of the car and she and my security brother in arms picked me up. I mean, that's way too late in life to do that. And it was the last time I ever did something like that.

But it just, and kids, again, the message here, keep partying. Don't think you're done when you're 35. Get an Uber. Yeah. I said that was... Well, I wasn't driving for a guy. All the...

The attention I had when I was really struggling with is, how do people manage it? Why are there people like me? And then I have a... I've known a bunch of comedians and a bunch of friends that struggle with weight. You know, they do not know how to stop eating. I don't have that affliction.

I don't either. If I take a, like I have a buddy, says, how do you eat ice cream like that? Sometimes, because I can, after I eat dinner, if no one's around, just I don't do this in front of people. I take a little thing of Hagen-Daz, and I'll take a couple spoonfuls out of the thing. I don't put it in a bowl. You look like you're wearing the same clothes you did when you were unpolitically incorrect. Right. Well, as I said, that food isn't my thing.

Right. He said, if I started eating ice cream, I'd finish the tub, and I go, hey, I don't, I take a couple taste buds, I'm fine with it. You know, and I put it away. I never knew any, and it was never that way with drinking and drugs is not my, I never knew. There was never enough. Me neither. But, see, I saved my sugar for alcohol. And I don't even have more than a couple of drinks a week.

Like, only when I'm here, really, do I have a couple of drinks? I wondered what that would be like all my life I said, two directors I did movies with, that we just, we did one in Venezuela. And he'd go, oh, boy, I'm getting dizzy. And I go, that's the point. Right. You know, he'd have a drink and a half, and he'd leave it there. And I go, we're just going. We're just starting.

He goes, well, no, I'm real dizzy. And I go, yeah. Oh, I remember when I used to have a couple of shots before I left the house. Ah. You know, just to warm up for when you got out. And I remember an era where, and again, I wasn't that young. I wasn't in my 50s. But you would, first of all, you would know every night.

Of course, I was never married. So they're different, you know. You'd know every night where the club was, because it was different every night. You know, Tuesdays it was at Chitties, and Wednesdays it was dingleberries, and whatever, the Enema was had a great, you know, three floors going on Thursdays.

So you would just go to these clubs, you know, whatever the night was. And it was one of many stops, and each stop, each bar you'd go to, probably because you felt there wasn't, you know, enough hot girls in this place, so you'd go to some other place. And you'd have two drinks at each of them. So it wasn't hard to rack up eight, ten drinks in a night.

And, you know, that is so unthinkable now. Well, I said, you made me laugh because I said there's, most people don't know. There's no town I've ever lived in. I've lived here a long time. I've lived in New York and in Detroit. And on the road, this place is dead at 9.30. Totally. Nope.

It's the strangest plain about California. Everybody goes to sleep like at 9.30. Because it's a working town, and movies and TV shows start at 6 a.m. Right. They've got to use the light if you're making a Western or whatever the fuck. Movies, you know, anything that's shot on film, sitcoms are gentlemen's hours. I did those in the 80s. That's a pleasure.

It is a pleasure. And you're one of the few people who's made it stick, boy. Well, as I said, one of my staff members said, you were like in my wife's he says, why do you keep saying that? And I said, somebody told me I was like the Tom Brady. sitcoms. When they asked me to do a third one, I said, I thought you, I thought they were kidding. I said, I don't know whether my generation, because all the people that I know that I would make it with are either dead or not the right gender. You know, they're all, you know, light-skinned European older men, and that doesn't fit the DEI thing that everybody wanted.

They wanted, you know, a potpourri of. Well, you can have DEI in the cast. Well, yeah, but then they said, get into, I didn't want to get into that. I didn't want to, patronize people, if you're going to do a sitcom, it's just got to be funny, got to have some drama. I couldn't agree more. Not everything, diversity is a great virtue. It's not the only virtue, and not everything in America has to look like Angelina Julie's Christmas card. You know, sometimes, and it's always okay in reverse. You know, it's like if there's something where it's just an all-black cast, and good, I'm all for it. I'm not complaining about it. I'm just saying, you know, CBS put in a, the law from the union, I guess it came down a few years ago,

that like every writing staff had to be 50% people of color. And I thought, what if this show they're writing is about a polka band in a ski town? Still? No, no. There's probably an example. Well, there are people of color. No, no.

It's just, and I love people of color. And I'm so glad that things are better than they used to be for people of color. but, you know, it shouldn't intrude on the creative process to the degree it has in this. No, I... It is intruded on the creative process. And by the way, lots of people of color agree with that. Because they want the creative process to be pure, too.

I've getting into this. I've been doing this on my stand-up for years because I have a very mixed family between marriage, son-in-law, friends. I've been around people of color and in my family. So we have these family outing sometimes, and then you get into a couple cocktails and you have old light-skinned grandma who doesn't, she calls darker-skinned brother-in-law and family members, different names, and I said, and then one night we got into it, which I've never, it's all, Lenny Bruce started me on this whole thing, back in that, was it, the purple onion, changed my life. Explain to the kids, you don't mean personally he did. No, no, no, no, not done.

old, not battle. I knew him as a child. He started this whole thing where words don't mean anything. It's really the content of a guy's heart. It's a Martin Luther King thing. And then I started going with my brother-in-law. He says, it's always you white motherfuckers do this. And I go, eventually I got sick. What do you mean white? What do you define that for me? Because I got in the middle of it. It's such a, I don't like the term, you know. He guys says, you know. And I go, no, I do not know. Are Japanese white people? You know, no, motherfucker, they're not. The Japanese.

I go, but that makes no sense. Where are the ruling class in Mexico City, if you've seen them, and I have, because I know a lot of them, they look, if you put them in a white shirt and they didn't speak, they look just like people from France, Portugal. So he says, where is whiteville or white land? Where is that? And I said, are Russians white? No, motherfucker, they're Russians. I go, okay, where's the broad line? There as white as it gets.

Well, I don't know what that means. I do. The Russians are, it's like the reason why Republicans these days, and for like the last 10 years have a thing for Russia, partly, partly. It's not the food. It's not the food. It's like the last country in the world that's like, we're white, we're not changing that. We kind of love it.

I mean, Putin is like, you know. I kind of love it, but I don't think they view themselves as that. I said I have a Polish, my wife's family are Polish, And in a room, I got into this. Her father, great man, just recently passed. God bless him. And he goes, they were going to do this Polish club in Pennsylvania. We go for family vacations that way.

And I said, he go, Los Rovia. And I go, Ah, Russians. And then the whole place stopped. We're not goddamn Russians. Yeah. I go, well, you look like Russians. You sound like Russians. Okay, but Russia invaded Poland.

Right. And pulled that whole border time like. killed a lot of them. So I could see why they're pissed off at you. But close to the border, like, and then I wondered, Finland is always curious to me. Finland doesn't like Russians at all. No, Finland, the people of Finland also exist in a country called Estonia. Right. Estonia was one of the republics of the USSR, the old USSR, the Baltics, Lithuania, Latvia, and Estonia. Lithuania and Latvia are like Slavic, like the Russians.

Estonia are like the Finns. So they were always treated worse. And the Finns beat him in a war way back when. The Finns and the Russians had some big war. I don't know the... They're right across a bay from each other. But they don't like each other. There's a part of that.

And so my point was kind of circled around because I did my dermatologist one day. He goes, he couldn't believe this. I brought it up to him. He had a chart on the wall. It's called the Fitzpatrick scale. And dermatologists don't look at race, you look at the amount of, I think I get melatonin in the skin. It goes from one to seven.

And I said, that's it. Right. It's the melatonin. There's a one which is Japanese and then Nigerian or Pakistani that sometimes there's really dark Pakistani or in the northern part of India. It's, you know, very, very dark. He said, that's it. And then he looks at me as I wish I'd never shown you this chart. Because now I've been doing it.

But I said, you mean FP3 people? And it was all just to sell you some retinae. Yeah, well thought for this. It was all about, but now I go, you mean an FP3 person? And, you know, now we've got to go through this whole explanation. Looking at it from 30,000 feet, big picture, isn't it amazing that the amount of melatonin in whoever's skin has been such a giant factor in how humans have treated each other, the wars? I don't get, you don't even start it with me. I just, I don't, I don't, I don't, it's such a trivial thing for it to be such a major factor in human history, right? Okay. When you look at it from 30,000, 30,000 feet up. Yeah. Now go 30,000 feet up a little west of that and look at a different way of looking at it. I look at it simply put, because I said, I, I, I am a empathetic person. I do it in comedy. I do it in my business. I've always been this way. I have philosophy major. I look at people and I listen.

I learned to listen to people. And you learn more by what people say and with the questions they ask and the extra answers. Right. What they question. It's like a CIA did a big CIA benefit. And that's their whole deal. They don't actually, they don't talk much. CIA does benefit?

We did a, they gave me an award, which I didn't know how to say no to it. I even asked my people. I said, can you say no to a CIA benefit? It was here to the, Beverly, they gave one to Ellison. He was there for the Oracle. He was, I didn't know. He was in, right. Oracle is the that's how the CIA started and Larry Ellison is that right he had a lot to do with the original

computer system for that and the computer system yeah he didn't start the CIA no no no he has a lot to do with that again you look at him I don't know what to say it but this I was there because I've done a lot for the veterans and this was about the the the people that have died in the CIA I've always been supportive of the spy agencies it's not like something that the woke appreciate it's it's cooler to like say oh Oh, you know, you do their spying and this and that. And yes, have they made mistakes? Yes. But, you know, as George Orwell said famously once, most people sleep comfortably in their bed at night

knowing that rough men are willing to do violence. The world is full of bad people. Bad people. I don't mean just like, you know, woke bad here. Just like, and we do need people like in the CIA. And they are dedicated people who do it without any. You don't get a plaque. You get the fucking star on the wall without your name.

And this was a sad night. I was there because of what I've done for the military. And I just, it was a humble to be asked, and I got to ask CIA top brass. They go, what is it you want? Because I, and I said, can I, can I ask you some weird stuff? He goes, what is it, Mr. Allen? What would you like to know? Like, they go from being, we love home improvement or bus, like you or whatever you do.

And I said, can I ask you a question? What do you want? They get real serious, the most demeanor of it. Well, they can't tell you much. Or they shouldn't. He said, what do you want to know? I said, well, off the coast of California, two F Hornets saw some bulbs that went left, right, up down.

He goes, they're brilliant. And what do you want to know? Totally. Well, if they were going left right at a certain speed and then stopped and went the other direction, it can't be an aircraft. He goes, and your question? Well, if it's not an aircraft, it would be a drone of some sort or a helicopter.

And he said, and the question is, did the Hornet pilots know what they were? He goes, what did they say? He goes, well, they said they did. This went on and on for 20 minutes. And I realized at the end of it, he goes, so what do you think? I said, I think they possibly were something that we didn't know or that they're covering. But why would they show a picture of it if they're covering? He goes, it's a good question.

And I go, what are you saying? He goes, you've learned more by your questions than any answer I have. And I went, you sons of bitches, so you don't, and that night got very tragically sad because we were celebrating at 1.5 children that had lost their parents. And you met these kids, and it was about money that CIA will take care of them. And these people, those kids are, it was so emotional from my family that these kids will never know what happened to their parents, never know, all they're told is they will never come home. You don't know where they were, and that's all you're going to hear.

It makes me think of that bad day in Coast Afghanistan when they were after bin Laden. It's in the great movie they made about getting bin Laden. And they thought they had a lead to him, which was his doctor. And so they brought him on to the base. And this is the CIA running this operation. And, of course, the guy gets out of the car. He's got a wooden leg. And what's in the wooden leg is a bomb.

And he blew up like six people, like all CIA people. Right. And, you know, they don't get the name. They get the star. As far as I got it, you'd look at all these people. None of these people are armed. They go into areas that are dangerous prior to soldiers. Oh, yes.

And act like insurance agents or medical. They come off. And they save a lot of lives ultimately because they handle something. No, look, have they made mistakes, of course. Yes. But they handle things in a clandestine way that is way better than a hot. war. Yes. You know, they also do stuff that you don't want to know about. You do not want to know about. You don't. And those are aliens, Tim. No, no, no, I'm not you. Listen, I had the guy on the show

recently. There's a movie out now. I wish I could remember his name. Oh, wait a minute. No, it's a It's a movie. It has dozens and dozens of credible people from the highest levels of our security apparatus in the military. And they even have the, what's his name from Trump's administration, the sector's, isn't it a lot? I mean, very credible people.

And they're basically telling us, look, they don't want to, they're in a precarious position. They don't want to scare people. On the other hand, things have changed so much. And my reading of this is, yeah, like 40, 50 years ago, we used to hear about the aliens. They landed in the middle of nowhere.

They stuck something up your ass. It was always up your ass. Several times. But that is... And they found nothing. They went up, my ass. They found absolutely nothing but two polypses. Well, they should come with you on their RV trip.

They could just go... And just see it. You don't have to go up there. It's in this little tank. Bring them in the RV. They'll do it for you. They work cheap, aliens. But, like, I feel like that was really happening.

They were really finding out about humans. It seems to have started right after... after we exploded nuclear weapons in 1945, which could have alarmed them. I don't know how much they were monitoring us before. It seems like now they kind of want to let us know, we're here. As I said to this guy when he was on real time about this,

I said, it reminds me of the movie where the detective or whoever, the bad guy says, if I wanted you dead, you'd be dead already. If they wanted us dead, we'd be dead. So they're watching. Okay. That's what I feel is the most logical. This is not crazy stuff.

This is not Jewish space lasers. This is, this is, why wouldn't it be? There's nothing unscientific about it. Here I am CIA. So we're basically primitive compared to these people that can do this monitor us without seeing. Plainly. We already have sent. You especially.

Of course. We've already sent a probe to Mars. We've had probes here. We've got a probe. that we've sent to an asteroid. So in a justification for me, I said, if there were them, anything that we're seeing is a probe. It's just a, it's a robot.

It's not aliens. They've sent out if there is something, there's no reason to come here when we consider to send a drone. They say they have corpses. Well, send a drone. They say they have corpses. The corpse could be a drone. It's just our version of a drone.

It's not, they're not anything like this. No, this is from like the late 40s. No, but still, what if that's their version of a drone? They manufactured a drone. There's a great movie called The Day the Earth Sit Still. You know, I've seen it. Right. I have the robot in my office.

I got Gort. And in the original story, it was very twisty. It didn't come up in the movies that Michael Rennie, who played the... He came out and said to talk to us. In the original story, it turns out that Michael Rennie was the drone. The whole civilization was the Gort, and they had to make a human to talk to us. So they manufactured a human to speak to us because the Gort had nothing. had nothing to say.

I don't think these are drones. I think these are little green men. They are. They're different from us, but not completely different. Everybody in that book, Communion, all these people have the same experience and kind of gave the same testimony without knowing what the others were saying. They all talked about somebody who was like... What's the name of the book?

Communion. Whitley Stryber, he wrote this. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like 30 years ago. Yeah, but there's another... This is a French guy that wrote a book about... Oh, you're not talking about the Raylians. No, no, no.

This is a guy who called... He called him occurrences. Jacques-Bali. That's his name. And I can't remember the name of the book, but there's a little picture on the front of a kid walking into a light. And I'm on a train in Vancouver doing a gig. Took my family with me,

took it from Vancouver all the way across Canada, which is just a gorgeous plane trip until you get to Calgary. And then it's like you're middle of Nebraska. It's just nothing wrong with Nebraska, but it's just nothing. There's no mountains. And the porter came by, I saw that book. I was reading it.

And it's all about a scientist that looked in, instead of looking out of these crazy people, these farmers that got taken by aliens, he just invested. He just took ask questions. He didn't judge. And he found so many similarities with, no matter who had that, there were certain similarities. So it, uh, the porter, the book was gone. And I, I asked him, there was a book sitting on this desk here. He says, I don't know.

He comes back two hours later. He goes, I'm sorry, I took the book. And I go, well, can I have it back? He goes, what is this book about? And I said, it's about the, I told him it's about occurrence, as they called him. And he goes, why is that picture on the cover? And I go, what is the question about? And he goes, when I was a boy, there was a crackling noise outside, which is always, smell of ozone, crackling noise, and things in threes.

That's the things that always happened in the book. I went out, my little brother walked into a path of light, came out buck naked, standing there smoldering. I tried to help him on the ground, and then we made some noise. My dad opened up the window, sees my brother out there nude, me, you know, wrestling with him to get him out, told us, he thought we were, not sexually, but he thought we were made, don't you ever do this and don't you ever tell anybody what just happened.

And my brother never been the same. This exact thing happened to it. This is not the first story from a person who I trust, who is not a crazy person or a drunk or a weirdo, who has said something similar. Something weird happened. I just think it's more unlikely that all these things are just a coincidence or a hallucination. And again, there's nothing unscientific about the idea that we are not alone in the universe. There is a physics problem with it. The thing that I've always wondered about is that in my head,

I've been a million alien movies in my head that I like. The one that I wrote to myself is that the alien, when he finally talked to me, I didn't come from anywhere. I came from here. He said, everything vibrates at a different frequency. I traveled through a vibration, and I showed up here. What saves your civilization? is Jupiter and Saturn.

They send off a rude signal. So where I come from, we don't think there's any life here, so we didn't hear. If my people knew that I was here looking at you, you would never live through the day because you're a virus. This doesn't work. And this is in my story in my head, is that this alien shows up, and it's a screw up in his ship, and he crashes. And he keeps changing his shape in a weird way.

He says, does this work for you, people? All these different, back to this, all these different races. Do you all get along? I don't think you do. Because in my planet, 55,000 years ago, we killed every other race. There's only one race on my planet. I don't say it's the right thing to do, but... And I remember their motto, from the river to the sea.

Oh, boy. I have to tell you, David Mamet has been here twice. Oh. He lists, like, his four greatest... Do you know this about him? Uh-uh. But I've done a movie with him. He's one of the most fun guys I've ever been on.

I love them. Oh, geez. I mean, we don't agree on everything. Yeah, who cares? Who cares, exactly. That's always my theme. But he lists, like, in one of his books, he lists like the four greatest movies.

And I can't remember what the other three are. But they're like ones you are, you know, Citizen Kane. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, you know, Lawrence of Arabia? You know what the fourth one is? 2001. Galaxy Quest. Oh, yeah, cool.

And it is a great movie. It is. I mean, it is a really fantastic structure, the script, the acting. How weird that you bring it up today. I just posted it in my office. I have a picture of me. Fighting Seris, which is the creature in that thing. And I remember in the movie, the guy, he's passed away, the guy inside the suit,

it was so clever on so many different levels because so many different mistakes were made to get it where it was. Really? Oh, it was originally Space Balls, a Mel Brooks movie. It was just really stupid. I love Mel Brooks, but it's better than Space Ball. Well, it was really a simple comedy. It turned into this movie because, Dean Peros, I was a documented director.

He took over the movie after a long... They didn't want it, this baseball's thing, and he didn't want a comic in it. He wanted an action hero that could be funny, not a funny guy that could maybe do action. So they parted ways. We got into... Stupid.

The way they did it is the right way. Yes. It's a lot easier to do it the way they did it with you than the other way around. Believe me. Comedy's hard, death is easy, comedy's hard. I'm so thankful to be part of that movie, but I did this one scene with this guy, Ciceris,

was the big reptilian thing with the head, beautiful. And he's yelling at me, and I'm supposed to, one scene, I'm supposed to fight him. And I'm, you know, I'm a comic. And I go, so what exactly what I do with the seven-foot reptile? What, and I'm a loser from Earth. And so, me and the actor, I said, where are his balls?

Could I kick him in the nuts? I mean, would that be funny? And he goes, you think of, you're, And so our joke was, you're looking for these, like they're under his shoulder. It was a... Well, what would Bob Hope do? Isn't that wild? No, but, you know, Bob Hope was one of the great comics, you know, stand-up, Wardville.

They put him in movies because, like, you know, he did become a parody of himself. But, well, like, those movies with Bing Crosby are funny. They're funny. And, you know, when he was still that wisecracking, playing the coward. right you know this is reminds me of what you're talking about like a comic knows how to play that the coward and make it funny and an actor it's i mean actors i love him but they're but thinking ain't their big thing i did i have uh did uh shaggy dog for whatever reason i i missed it missed the mark to me but robert downy junior had just uh gotten clean and was in it and that guy

is so freaking brilliant he looked at comedy as just another form of drama which it is so he would do the comedy parts as though he's doing a dramatic piece he'd get into it and get into the dramatic piece

and then he got to be funny as though it's that simple he is great he is so freaking great I mean the Sherlock Holmes always are great he is great do you remember the one he did

with Ben Stiller Tropic Thunder oh yeah yeah which is just you probably couldn't get it greenlit today because it's so politically incorrect you know he play he does it in black face i know i believe me and they showed they did a documentary on it and they showed outtakes and they showed like him and ben stiller ben's just doing the directing and it's a close up on him and he's just doing take after take

of variations of this speech he's doing and ben's like oh that was so great let's do another do another you know that is what that's a director's dream right to get an actor like that well that in his case i've I've never seen anybody where, like, he was so good. I told the director, I was kidding. He says, I want all this cut. I don't want any of this in the movie. He's making me feel like I'm so insignificant because I can't do anything that.

I can do the funny stuff like this, but he could switch to drama and you're buying it. You know, Iron Man, the first Iron Man where I consider one of the best superhero movies ever made, he was able to be very serious. Right. And then he's in a work on a metal suit. He's in trash cans.

in that one of the scenes, you bought every single piece of business that he did in that thing. So he can do that funny. I did a movie with Mammett, though, in Red Belt. Oh, yeah, I saw it. I've seen all those movies. I was never, there's no funny parts in it. And it reminds me of when comics were in movies, I've done some with Marty Short. And Marty, if he's not being funny in the movie, he feels like, well, he did another one.

Rich or Poor, and it, Jungle, Jungle. And he'd do stuff. And you go, Marty, you're just answering the phone. Oh. And he always has to do something with his legs. It's, it's, oh. No, Marty, you're just sitting down. Okay, but I'm going to get up.

Oh. Oh. He can't walk out without getting a bit. I mean, whatever he was on real time, he'd walk out. And he does, whatever. Whatever he does. He is just a laugh machine. Like there's, it makes me sick to my life.

The only other one like that is Dana Carvey. Yes. The two of them, like, they just can't stop. And their batting average is like 980. You know, everything they go for actually is funny. I literally have to leave him at a Christmas party. I had to leave, I was getting sick because I can't, I'm funny with him for a while. Like if you're around Robin Williams, the late Ron Williams, it was similar, yeah.

It's very similar. He won't shut up. Right. He just keeps going. And my wife and I, he came out of a gym someday. And we started talking about what was going on and we knew something. And he's just doing bits. And my wife goes, what just happened there?

He just stepped talking. They go, and I had to translate. He's working on his relations right now. He's got a movie coming out. He didn't really like this. He didn't say any of that shit. I go, well, he's doing a bit about this. He's doing a bit about this.

But I got to say, both Robert Williams and Martin Short are really smart guys because they both did the panel of real time, which is a hard thing to do. It's mostly for the pundits. It's not for show people. That was the old show where we mixed the show people in. This is almost never that. And they found a way to still be Robin Williams and Martin Short

without like taking over the show and making it into a carnival and also having serious moments and being thoughtful. And to pull those both off, you could do it and you should do it, but you never respond when we try to get you to do it. well my email is packed I have a lot of issues you're cleaning out your shitter in the RV so wait you go on RV trips you go on train trips is that what you said train trips and then this wait now why is a man of your vast wealth who has a private plane why what is it about like an RV or a train that you find is it relaxing I I did it for my wife she always wanted to

do an RV trip so we did to all these my youngest daughter went she always wanted to do it so we did it and the train trip we did was in order to get to the orient express i wanted to be on that train i love trains so i did the friend that train from paris to no room not paris or someplace in italy and you're on a freaking train that's like a it's like an opera house everything's two million dollars i everything you touch but you're on a freaking train so all night long what do you mean you're saying it's ornate Every, you can't get more gold in wood and everybody's going to, you know, ask Trump. No, this is even past that because everybody, you got to wear a tuxedo into dinner, you got to wear a deck tie, there's a piano player, and it's, it's, it's an amazing experience.

Look, I don't want to get into politics, but, you know, this is, and I don't, the gold, I don't, I don't care. I don't, I did. But it does look like Saddam's palace. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, you can't stop. That's his taste. That's his taste. But it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

I met the dude at dinner with his wife who was genuinely a wonderful person, and he was more, this is, I think the second of the last year, the last year of The Apprentice. And he was thinking of moving to Los Angeles and being a movie producer. And he was talking about movies. Really? He said, I really like the film business. More than that, the guy's addicted to comedy. He was so, I was, you know, killing at the table, you know, and he's going, he just, what a gift.

What a gift to do that he's laughing about this and that. And he was a genuine one of the guys. I don't know if he was like, he sits and talks like when he listens. He's a good listener. He's a good listener. I go, this is what the left hated me that I went to the White House and talked to. And then he did not lie and say, he was a monster in the white. I just said it's the truth.

He's not, he's not. You got to meet him. You got to deal with him on a personal level. And then he go, who is it? It reminds me. And I don't, and I love Howard Stern. It's like Howard in person is it genuinely. kind, wonderful guy, but it gets on the air

and I don't know what happens. I always said if I was the adult in the room, I would take Donald's phone away from him and get him involved in infrastructure. Here, he would, I don't even know when people hear this. He was talking about how to do the roads. I'm a road

freak about potholes were on my neighbor in L.A. We don't take care of our roads. It's just one of these things. And he was, you know how to fix the roads in D.C., you've got to get the underlayment first, get the sidewalks done, and he went off. And he was one of those news things where he's talking about how quickly you get the road done quickly in Washington, D.C., we don't need the underlay, but then asphalt on top of this time, I'm going, that's brilliant.

It's not $800 million. I could do this stuff for $6 million tomorrow, and we will get it done. There's almost nothing he surveys that he doesn't want to fix, whether it's the Kennedy Center. And believe me, I am not on the page with a lot of his fixes. I get it. But, like, he looks at Venezuela, we've got to fix that. Fix it. No ballroom.

fix that. Asphalt. There's just nothing that he doesn't want to personally. He does have enormous energy. You got to give him that. And I said, just keep him directed on our infrastructure. Keep him directed on the power system, the power grid. But I said one of the times

there's, and I don't want to out. A couple of comics, we were sitting there watching one of his speeches, and there's a couple of them, vintage comics, and Sue Young guys, and I said, well, I'm saying that did Andresen. I love Tom. Dresen. I just love the term.

Well, he's vintage. You know, Driesen, you know, was the opening act for Sinatra. Trust me, I'm getting ready for the day. They call me a vintage comic. Come on. We're, like, a couple hours away from that. This is, Jesus, crime. Do you even know the young comedians that like people to call it all the time?

No, but I love to go to the comedy store every once in a while and just sit in the back. First of all, it brings me back to those days. It makes me, like, very happy about my life, which is so much cushier now, was when I had to endure that. Because not every night is a singing, smiling success, as we know, from those days.

And it's just fucking entertaining. If they're bad, it's like watching the Indy 500 when there's a car wreck. It's not boring. If they're good, it's awesome because you're laughing. And it's just, I just love doing it. I'm everything I hated now. I used to hate it when you had there eight minutes at the improv or whatever that. You get that short time.

sudden, Shanley would show up and everybody has to back off and he does 40 fucking minutes and you go, eh, this is a big shot. Like, he needs it. And now when I, before I go on the road, I go to Laugh Factory and I'll do an hour. And so there's all these guys lined up. Just so you can elbow your way past them. Yeah. So I come in and the whole room changes that I do it.

Good for you. But now we do it. So, yeah, I've worked it out. So the guy's good. It's good to be the guy who needs no introduction. Let's just say it that way. Yeah, yeah. It just is.

I just love what I do. I love being able to do stand-up still. I'm not, you know, I still have the guy. My hat's off to you. I got, I knew there was a, the moment came, and it was like, boy, this hurts. This is like cutting off my leg. Stand-up, are you kidding? I did 13 HBO specials.

You know, I mean, I have been there and always kept it up, you know, like never phoned it in. I kept that act up because, you know, it takes, people said to me, Well, just do a few dates here and there. You can't. You have to be in shape. You know, I was on your plane a lot. Don't get me started on this. No, I was.

Well, I know that. I've been doing this show and a movie. So in this next tour, I haven't been out for almost nine months. And my people are going, well, that'll be just get back into it. It ain't quite that simple. Not that simple. It's not that simple. When I was off for the last five, uh, the last five, uh,

The first two years, the last man standing, it was too much going on. So I was off for two years. And I just, it was really difficult to get back. And then I realized, I feel like I'm Rod Stewart all of a sudden. I do Maggie May. I'm doing my, I'm doing, I'm an egg, a comedy egg. I'm really about timing and pace. And so I do some old material.

I just reshuffle it. And then I'll do the opening is like 20 minutes of what's going on now. But generally, I don't do current events. I just thought I've never, I stay away from current events. Why should you? Well, I said it's just because these days. Where it fits, it fits, it fits. Sometimes it fits.

I have a good fun, I'm having a fun time going, I'm going to say a lot of stuff tonight that might offend you. Get your phones out now and let's go through this. When I say these words, this is what I mean. You know what? You're iconic. It doesn't matter. You can offend them.

and the people who are offended are the type who will get offended at everything and are just looking for something and it will not affect your life or your career which has been... What I'm having... I'm having fun with the words. I said this is what the word means to me and I just... Who did you say you were like

Tom Brady of sitcoms? That's not really a good analogy. It's more like there are a few people when I was a kid, Michael Landon, yes. Ted Danson. Wow. There were a few... William Shatner. There's a few people. people who the audience continually

wants to see in a show and so they keep doing show after show and they're always hits and you're in that very small pantheon of people like that you keep doing these shows don't know why what I said I keep looking at when they

the girls at Fox the bosses at Fox that got me doing it and then ABC bought Fox so now it's back on ABC and I said you guys are kidding right you think I should do it know the sitcom. And this to, yeah, we think, even in today's climate,

and at the same time I was doing Santa Claus, the streaming series, and I said, no, I'm doing a streaming series for you right now. I can't possibly do a sitcom at the same time. And I said, well, if you did it, what would it be? And I said, well, number one, and I listed the stuff I want to talk about, which was grief in this. So I wanted to have a guy that just lost his wife.

I won't own a car shop, which I do in North Hollywood, next to a dance studio, which I do. And the art forms, the people that know, I have a passion for people that know how to do stuff. Like, I love tools, which is real stuff. Real stuff. People that know how to plum. Yes.

I just. So many people who study, go to college and study bullshit. I don't know how to do anything. It's just like, okay, you have a major in, you know, the queer poetry of the Asian diaspora. But there is a lot of demand for that. Where does that fit in? Don't throw that out. I hear shifting gears comes back on January 7th.

You just heard that? No, I've been reading about it constantly. Oh, God, it's in every freaking publication. It's funny because... Trump was talking about it just the other day. Yeah, you know, I was... Again, I obviously... It's pretty plain.

Don't plan anything during this show. But if I was planning, I would have said, of the three like put upon white guys that you have played because I do feel like that as the through line you're the PIPP. People like to see you as the put upon guy and it does work

and why not work with what works you know have three characters that have something in common but also show a different side of you as you phase into these different errors of your life. Is that a correct assessment? Very correct assessment. That's why I did it.

I said the first guy was Love's construction equipment and the contracting business and he had a sage, Wilson behind the fence. The second guy was outdoor equipment, where I used to sell outdoor equipment, guns and all that stuff. And that guy had Hector Alessandro, who I just saw today, who was kind of the father figure. This one, I am the father figure. Lost my wife. My daughter, Kat Dennings, who's terrific, wonderful, wonderful, and she comes in.

We have a bad relationship. She's a great sitcom actor. She's a great. She's great on your show, and she was great on the two broke girls. She just has that. I did sitcoms. I know a great one when I see one. She's great at that, and Darrell Cho Williams, who was on Galaxy Quest.

I remember he used to be on Politically Incorrect in his wheelchair. Yeah, and he's a, he's terrific. The cast is freaking terrific on this. And I said, right, what's, you know, I keep forgetting our rehearsal yesterday, or we come back on the show in January. We're on a break now. And it is so much fucking fun. And then the cast has not done live five or four camera with live audience.

We still have a live audience. And they're addicted to what I'm saying. It's a combination of stand-up in movies. You know, we still have cameras doing that cut, cut move. And then you have an audience in there. And I don't know if it's a dying art. I don't know, because as I've told many people, that's what this started with. vaudeville how much do you put into it

quite a bit like i talked about the writing quite a bit i mean in my way because i don't get up in the writer's room i'm down there in the set said this doesn't make any sense i may have told the story before on this show but i don't give a fuck um i did what in my fallow period after i you know a lot of careers they like have a start and then before you you think you think you're on your way and the chubber just says you're not no you're not your way um like yours was going to prison right okay you're not quite on on your way. Look at the time.

You're actually in prison. Let's go back here. I was just in show business jam. Right. Okay. So like I had done a sitcom, it looked like I was on my way. I got canceled. So then I was like the chimp who like does guest stars on other people's sitcoms.

And I did the Bob Newhart. Ah. The second one. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So I remember that week. They were very nice to me.

I was the guest star. I don't remember what I was playing. But I remember Bob Newhart. It was his show. in the title and he only made one suggestion the whole week like during a read-through. I don't remember what it was like, you know, why don't you, you know, put a hat on the moose or something. And when we shot the show, it was the biggest laugh. Yeah, yeah.

That's what I remember about Bob Newhart. That blew my mind, that he made one suggestion. He didn't, you know, he was at that phase of his career. Like, I don't, it's not my job. I don't want to be like, the guy. You be the guy. I'm 65, you're 40, you do it. But when I do say something,

it's got like that with me and I don't, I don't want to be this crotchety old fucker. And I did, you know, I said, but I don't, but I don't need a person under 30 telling me how to be funny. And sometimes. You definitely don't need that.

I just don't, I don't know how to say it. And what always comes down to is I said, listen, I can't tell you I appreciate crew, riders, everybody. You do all the work. I literally do very little. But what happens is somebody's going to have to get on the horse and ride it. Somebody makes the shoes. Somebody feeds this horse, everything.

But eventually, I have to ride the horse, and none of you're going to be on that horse. So at one point, I will ride that horse the way I ride a horse. But you say you wanted to do about grief and losing your wife. Now, this wasn't just like wish fulfillment. No, no. Oh, God. Honey, he's kidding. Oh, like she's watching this.

Yes, well, and she will be forced to. I get the whole family. You will watch what we do. This is what pays the Doree Me. My guess is that this is the dad they see because this is you as you. That's why I love doing this show because it's not like my TV show. You know, there's no preparation. It's me as I am and you as you are.

But I'm guessing your family on the train or on the RV after you get the shit out, this is how they see you, right? Dad's like a cool guy. You're very cool guy. Or my youngest, because I did it to her one time, because she's very funny. And she played my daughter in Santa Claus. And by accent. Oh, really? That's your daughter?

Yeah, to Sandra Claus. Wow. And so one night at dinner, she's given me bits, you know, because she's. She reads script with me, you know, I do a lot of my bits. I tried, you know. I looked at her one time. I just said, I'm eating. She goes, and I go, didn't land.

And I just said it under my breath. She goes, and my wife goes, oh, that was hurtful. And I go, no, I just, that's why I'm not laughing. You can't make me laugh. Right. So now, anytime I do a bit that just kind of, I'm working it, you know, you work a bit, a little bit. It doesn't work until you get the time right. And my kid just now didn't land, Dad, didn't land.

And now it's become kind of annoying. Oh, that's funny. Oh, she's not funny. That is funny, though. Because now I don't know if it's working or not because she's really. Yeah, but it's good to have a little inside joke in the family. Yeah. No, I was going to say this, you out of nowhere because I keep these subjects are so bright, is this is why I said, I took my family to Jerusalem.

I've never been there. We went to Cairo, which is. Different. Yes. Different is coming at night. There's a Four Seasons Hotel. I think that's where we stayed. At night, you go, this is gorgeous.

So, Nile and the city. You wake up in the morning and go, when are we leaving? When can we get out of this? This is horrific. The traffic, when Mubarak was taken out, they were zoning one away. So people would just build buildings in the middle of the street. It did the nicest staff at the hotel. I had security detail that took us around, wanted to see the pyramids.

which we viewed from a pizza hut, which is right across the street from the pyramids, and there's a Sheraton Hotel. You don't see that in any pictures. No. And then... Is it a pizza hut across? A pizza hut. And one of the best pizza huts I've ever been to in Cairo, which was startling.

This is that Giza? Yeah, the pyramids are right there. You're talking about aliens? How close can you get to the pyramid? We went, took a tour. It took the camel ride. You go right into Pyramids? You can go in, if you want them.

The big, the Giza. Do you go in? You can. There's an entrance? Yeah. I'm a claustrophobic guy. There's a little tunnel that's like this. Then I went, you know what?

I'm going to, I don't want to do the same. I don't want to do that. Right. But people do. They shimmy into the tunnel. Did anybody give it stuck? No. The alien thing that you say came with me.

I said, please, anybody, these don't belong here. There's nothing anywhere near. I say this to everybody that's been near them. There's nothing like this on the earth. Why did they stop making pyramids like this? They make pyramids the Aztecs now. Those are step pyramids. These were covered in white onyx with a gold top, and they're in an L shape.

From 30,000 feet, it looks particularly like some sort of a marker of something. But there's nothing like the pyramids. Cut two, we went to a fast. And those are big blocks. Nothing makes sense. How did they get the blocks there? Well, there's some guys that say the Nile used to be much closer to them, and you could just slide them up on the mud. Well, there is a way.

I had this argument with somebody, and they did make a very compelling argument once with one word. I said, how did they get all those giant, very heavy blocks in that age? And they said, schleppers. It's kind of true. Yeah. They had slaves. Well, and then this fucking giant block over the... They were paid very well for the time.

Zero. Zero. It was not well. Well, but here's, and I get to Jerusalem, and number one, it's not... anywhere near what you can visualize i was there it's palestine is right there right and it's just a fence there's no guards everywhere and he says you don't see this on CNN or anything else they say it's right there he says there's really no problem and you go to the border and we wanted to see bethlehem there's just a gate and there's a

Jewish guard on one side a Palestinian he goes and they blah blah la la they they both waved each other open the thing then you have to get into a Palestinian driver's car and he drives you to Bethlehem. You go to there's a little shopping mall by there. And it was not what you think. And it's not what I thought. It was not, I don't know. The problem was, as I studied it, I don't know, it depends.

It's called historical priority. It was Donna Hearn, this wonderful woman who was run of Reagan's historians who passed away. She's just brilliant woman that said, she goes, historical preference and it's a terrible term to me now it depends on when you want to start historical preference yeah because people say well if you start here then the palestinians have a point yeah but if you go back two days prior to that they don't have a point and then it where you want to go in history see that apropos of my point about the kids don't know about the history and don't care i had this argument with someone recently and they were well one i had right here

with someone on the show and I think we're still friends but I mean it got very heated about I said you know if you had to live in the Middle East where would you live don't you think it would be Tel Aviv and you know it's Cairo versus Tel Aviv I mean I'm sure they're lovely people in cairo but as a woman and she was wearing a sleeveless dress I don't think you'd be comfortable there and I had this other discussion with this other person and they were like going on about colonialism and I said just when was Muhammad born no clue no clue and they're like what does that matter well it matters a lot because there was no Islam before Muhammad so does it matter if he was born in 570 AD right okay you have no clue I couldn't get it

say BC AD the fact that King David had a kingdom 1500 years before Muhammad was even born. It is relevant. It is relevant. It is very relevant. It's not to say that the Palestinians don't have a right to that land also, which, again, the state of Israel has acknowledged from the beginning. Can we just share it? Do they, now it gets, they're a little tired of asking the question. Well, and not only that, the mistakes have been made. And I said, so I, now my studies went back, to Greek origin of both parties. Hebrew, which is an Aramaic term that means a migrant.

Really? So they might have both might. Wait, say that again. Hebrew is an Aramaic term means a migrant. So they all migrated and they could possibly, and someone's going to say, where'd you read this? And I can't remember is Palestinians or Philistines. Yes, Philistines.

And Hebrews were actually, related and they both came Philistines were the Hebrews they were just a class a class a different class and so I'm in this story and it's a lot of this stuff you you all of a sudden you wake up and he said it was two tribes come from Greece on that era Gaza and they wanted

to land deal whatever the whatever the problem is they said well we'll settle this like a wrestling match we're not going to fight it out you you're strongest soldier versus our stronger soldier okay and the Hebrews had nothing yeah they did that in those days the Philistines had one called Goliath Goliath and it wasn't a giant it was just a big guy like the rock and the best they the the other guys could have was you know

Tom Selleck he just did it didn't work out but the Jews had David shine but he didn't but so I make it not exactly it was his last name people don't know they don't know that so David he goes I can take him and he's he's got the little loincloth on whoever it happens I think he just went like knocked Goliath out. And the Jews said, well, they go, we did say it, we're not happy about it, you can do what you want to do. And I said, so that's just a story. Cut two, I'm in Jerusalem.

David was the king, it did happen, some version of that. Well, there definitely was a kingdom, a thousand years before the birth of Christ. Absolutely. There was two kingdoms, some Judea and Samaria. Yes. There were two kingdoms. There was definitely a kingdom. The wailing wall is still there.

I mean, it is a, Jerusalem is still there. It was a wall of the temple that the Romans destroyed in 70.8. All these creatures in our, whatever you call us, sapiens or whatever the fuck you call this. You're in Jerusalem, and then the guy, he was a Zionist guy, and his sister was a Hasidic Jew or the very religious Jews or not Hasidic. And we got to go to the end of the old city and be with her for a minute, but he was Zionist. he was really not, he's Jewish in heritage only,

but he was not a practicing Jew. And then he had a nowhere, you go, and that's where Jesus walked through here, and then you're going, it never occurred to me that the dude actually existed. Well, he may not have. Not according to this guy, because he said, that's where he did,

that's Bethlehem, this is where he walked. This is the Zionist guy said at one point, okay, he goes, probably the strongest, most powerful Jew ever. and then my kid who's been in a Catholic school, she goes, sir, I go to a Catholic school in North Hollywood, and he was a Christian. Oh, my God.

And then I'm looking at the guy, and I'm going, hey, sir, let's not have an argument. Let's not have a 50-year-old. This is the kind of thing I say to them, it's okay that you said that to me, but just don't say that to anybody else because they don't think you're really stupid. Really.

And that's like a major one, that they don't get the whole Jesus was a Jew thing, that Christianity came out of Judaism, that, you know, for the first hundred years after Christ died, it was sort of a debate. They were still known that in, not even a debate now. This is this last trip I want to take my family to see that Aegean islands, in a long story short, we went to walk these islands because I wanted to stay out of Athens. I love Greece. I love Greek food. And I love being there.

I had no idea who St. Paul. Saul, actually, his Jewish... Saul of Tarsus. Saul of Tarsus. Became St. Paul. All over Greece, you're going... Right. I've read about him. I went to... I was an acolyte. He was Greek. He was Greek. No, Luke was Greek.

No, Luke was Greek. Saul. Saul was this... And I'm paraphrasing because I'm reading this. Now, I'm reading this guy. Now, Saul was from Tarsus. That's not Greece. That's present-day Turkey. But he was a Jew, and he was a prosecutor. Everybody was a Jew. He prosecuted, but he's a zealot Jew, prosecuted Christians.

Prosecuted, and then... Undoubtedly, get it. No, really. He seems he's very hostile to women. Right. In his prosecutorial thing, he changed his name to Paul, and he said, this is story, I'm telling you the story, and four other people were with me on the road to Damascus, a light so bright, blinded me, Jesus shows up, you know, my comic says,

what's your frickin' problem with me? And he goes, oh, God, we screwed up. He goes, you're damn right, you screw it. And he told his accolades, he said, he went back to Jerusalem, said, guys, we screwed up. I think we did kill the actual living entity, whatever you call it. Well, they had to fulfill the destiny of mankind.

Whatever was, he said, so I think we've got to include these pagans into Judaism. and they went, oh, no, that, no, that weren't, you don't have to be, you don't have to eat, no pork, you don't have to be circumcised, which it goes like every comic's done that joke with the first guy that was circumcised, he's going, hold on, you want me to cut the tip of- That was my joke. That was my bit. What do you mean comics? That was one, that was my first. Oh, you're right, you own that joke? I did. You want me to cut, you want me to cut the tip of my what off? Correct. That's your joke. Totally. Yes, I promise you, I could show you the films. I want to see it. This is 1980, but this is what happens to good humor sometimes. It gets, like, through the midst of time, like, it just becomes, like, you know, generic or...

No, somebody actually always came up at the first joke. Somebody once said, you know, I spent a week in Cleveland one day, and now everybody... But somebody actually wrote it, and I wrote that one. This is the weirdest thing about comics. I promise. Listen, I toured with Kippa Dada when I first started out. And this guy on stage, his timing was so freaking unbelievable. How he paused between, I was amazing.

So I stole his timing. I never stole his jokes. And then I go, Robin, God bless him, if you were doing bits in front of him, there's a chance you'd see your bit on stage in a version of that. Tim Thomas and punched him out just for doing that. Doing that. Punched him in the face. George Carlin, who I saw him in early on in my career, same with Prior.

I said, I wanted Carlin to come see me because I, I'm really getting hot. And I said, I don't see other comedians. Because there's a good chance is I will absorb some of your material. Same thing to me. Oh, my God. Yeah. And then who is it? Oh, God, the guys are so funny.

He's white. White. That narrows it down. And that skin tone, the name. Oh. The name. Oh, his name is White? Yeah.

Bob White. No, no. But anyway, my wife talked. I loved, he'd scream a little bit. He was really active. Sam Kinnison. No, it was that tight type. My wife saw me doing a big show in Detroit.

She goes, you know, you're starting to do that guy. And I go, I am, aren't I? I'm doing my routine like that. Really? And I did this one with Rich Jenny, who passed away. Yeah. I said, we toured together for quite a while. And at one point in Atlanta, we flipped acts.

He did my act, and I did his act. Come on. It was fucking brilliant. And I said, why couldn't a comic do that? They cover music, where I go up there, hey, everybody, I'm going to do a little bit of Belmar, go into a little Jerry Seinfeld, and I end up with some Richard Pryor.

Hope you enjoy it. And just do your bits. Why, if you mentioned that you were doing. Oh, your bits as them? Yes. Wow. And Jenny did my bits so stupid that they were funny. And now you got your own plane that I had to rent.

I always enjoyed it. Oh, God. This story only is because I'm embarrassed because I thought they were environmental. I thought because they blow clean air. I'm a car guy. I did no idea that planes, I can't talk about an environment or anything because of that. Yeah, but talking about it's a horrifying thing. It's a pleasure to find out that you're like so interested in so many different things and at such a deep level.

Not that I thought you were just the tool and car guy. But I think, you know, I mean, look, you like to play that part. I mean, it works great for you. But, you know, you're kind of like Leno, like a lot deeper than you let the public see. Well, thanks for that because I said, I said Leno is like that. He is totally like that. I always think if Jay would, the things, twice he's done this one, like if the public could only see how incredibly funny you really. are and they already think you're very funny and you are very funny but you're not even close to

like how great you are when you just like let the guard down oh well i said what an what a good experience this is i just i'd someone to get oh this was what it i'm the st paul thing going to go back to that because what he said i love the but he said listen i'm going to change and it's what's happened in my life i was a philosophy major and paul he's now he's a stoic so he's a greek philosopher, now he wants to include the pagans into the Jewish religion because they think we shouldn't have murdered this guy, Jesus. I think he was telling the truth. So as I'm not going to be a prosecutor anymore, I'm a Jew all the way. I'm a Jew. And they go, we're going to kill you. He goes, let me finish. Let me finish. But he did this. He goes, and several times he goes,

the problem you're going to have with that is I'm also a Roman citizen. So they couldn't, every time he says, take me to court, but you got to take me to. me to Rome and they're going to put me in front of magistrate and he's going, he's committed no crime against Rome. And he said something very intuitive that I'm still studying because I, he says, law was basically invented to develop sin. Without law, you don't know what sinful is. So law was basically just to give you guardrails of what the world is. And what you're going to get, what you're going to find is the cycle of ignorance with philosophy. And that's where I've been in the last 20 years. Philosophy gets running these circles. It can't explain anything really. And this guy that

changed my life, Wiggenstein, this philosopher said, I really don't know that the words I'm saying to you are, if I was in your brain, I go, what the fuck are you thinking? Right. And I was getting very depressed about this because I don't really know if anybody knows what anybody's, we're lucky that we're even get through stoplights. Then I'm on stage one night. And a brilliant light hit me. I go, bullshit. Bullshit. I make a living making people laugh because I know exactly,

they know exactly what I fucking mean. Yeah, I feel the same way. I'm doing stand-up in this big auditorium. Where was in Denver? When I get into these 5300 cedars, I feel like a megastar with the balconies. And I get, you think that's funny. When do you get the bit on this?

You are a megastar. You have two franchise movies. But I said that wasn't the purpose of the stand-up is what I love. That accounts for that people coming out. But they listen, the reason they laugh at my stand-up is because they know exactly what I mean. Well, that's the one great thing about stand-up, or if you could look at it the other way, a terrible thing, is that you can't buy even one minute of their love if you're not really doing it. Right. Like no matter how big a star you are, you can't fake laughter.

You can do it for a minute. A crowd will be like so excited to see a star walk out that they'll give you a minute of just nervous laughter. After that, you are on your own. You're on your own. You are just the day you started doing comedy. It's no different. And there is something about that honesty

that appeals to us in a way that nothing else in the business can. Nothing out like it when I get, there's a couple bits that I, or vintage bits, that's more about timing. It's earned. And they love, they were starting to laugh. And he says, wait, do you see what's coming. And it did it, prior did it to me, saw him.

I thought I was going to throw up. I laughed so freaking hard at that guy. And everything, everything changed in my life. Happens to you a lot. Oh, man. You're going to throw up. You're going to throw up in here. People are funny.

You're up to leave. If I don't make you vomit or shit in your pants tonight, I'm going to feel like a total failure. Put it in the holding tank. It's the black water and the gray water. And there's a little vent. Greywater, I feel like, is a good name for a tribute band. Greywater, that's good. You know, like, for, I don't know.

Doobie Brothers did have Blackwater. There you go. Doobie Brothers. I never thought of it. Blackwater. Blackwater. This is a whole black water. A tribute band that gets rid of your shit.

Oh, God. I shouldn't have brought that up because I love the Doobie brothers. I do, too. In concert back then, great band, great band. Same with Springsteen. I mean, that's where we get the term duby, is it not? Yeah. Is it?

I think so. Yes, I think they were known as toakers of medical marijuana. What did they do? I didn't know. Jay Giles band I saw it. I was the booking guy for my university. Now you've lost a lot of the audience. Not me, but you've lost a lot of them.

Jay Giles? Jay Giles band, it's called Full House. Gold or yellow album cover. The cards are all across. I was the booking agent for my college. I went to see bands to book for a thing. Some guys say, you've got to go with me down to the center. Cinderella ballroom in Detroit.

Captain Hook and the medicine show opened up halfway through their act. The crowd's going, boo, get off the stage. They want to see Jake Giles band. I go, this is rude. That band came in. My life was, I kidding, I didn't throw up. But the over hour and a half, I've never seen a concert that hot where it's over and you're sweating because you were dancing the whole time.

That band was so, what rockabilly, end up book. And I'm going to. Tim, come back in 10 years when I'm 80. and say Jay Giles, and I guarantee you I'm going to say, is that my law firm? Wait a minute. Is that those two Hispanic guys that stand on the buses? Yeah.

The two brothers. So are you a fan of, like, a lot of obscure? I feel like Jay Giles' band is fairly obscure. Well, it was a platinum album, so I don't know. Really? Oh, yeah, it was huge. Yeah, maybe there was one. There's, like, remember Boss Skaggs?

Oh, yeah. That one album he had? Oh, yeah. That, like, every song was a hit. Every song was... We're all alone? Very. Remember that song?

I love it. Is that not the greatest ballad ever? A little embarrassing. I'm working in Vancouver, a big venue outdoors, sold out. Bus gags came by, his manager goes, Boss Gags is a big fan of yours, Tim L. And I go, well, great. And it's a huge venue.

And I see, he's here. Yeah, he's playing tonight. And I go, well, is there another venue? He goes, he goes, no, he goes, where are you playing? Are you in the amphitheater? I go, yeah, where's he? He's in the bar. And I went, oh, that would.

Come on. Yeah. The bar. Yeah. Bar, you know, 50 people drinking. He's in the lounge and the bar, bus gags. I went, oh. It's a paying gig?

Yeah, it's a gig. I've done the, I've, I've been on the road where I go to gigs that I see major freaking guys. I once was in Vegas and Gary Puckett and the Union Cap. Well. What do you mean well? Well, it's... They had four giant hits in 1968.

Yeah. Do you remember 1968? I know you do. What was the... It's cars. Chevy. It made a great Camaro, yeah. What?

Chevy made a great Camaro in 68. Oh, my God. You and you... What are you doing with comics and cars? You and Leno and Seinfeld. Like, what is the... I have no connection to cars. What is this comic car thing?

I have no idea. I have no idea. Did you see Newhart and Rickles do their bit on this? No. Maybe. Oh, Christ, it's funny. About what? Rickles was dogging Newhart the whole time because they're best of friends.

That I knew. What illusory is, what a loser is. And Newhart goes, yeah, it's tough, you know. But the lounge worked good for you. Well, I was in the major... Rickles worked the lounges. You've worked the loungees. and Newhart was in the showroom.

Oh, okay, yeah, that makes sense. But he constantly mentioned it, and they goes, yeah, that's right, right, Don. But, you know, my wife and I would always see you out there in the lounge. We'd catch it after the big show, and we'd all have dinner. And then Rickles, I loved those two together. I loved those. That was a... I loved them together or separately.

Separately. I mean, you know, like when I was a kid, when Rickles was on the Tonight Show. Loved it. That was like occasion, especially if it was the summer when we could stay up. I feel like it was off in that. Jonathan Winters, too. Well, because Johnny would come out to the West Coast in the summer, remember? Yeah, yeah.

Like, there was a big thing, The Tonight Show, on the West Coast. And Rickles would come on, and it was like an occasion for the family to gather around the hearth that was the television, the Magnavox or whatever. We were watching. The hearth. And Jonathan Winters, brilliant pieces on the Tonight Show. Charles Groden was a brilliant. Oh, Charles Gruden was a great talk show guest because he was the only one who would, like, make Johnny uncomfortable.

I know. It looks like he didn't want to be there. Boy, how much longer I have to. And would get into, see, the paradox of Johnny Carson was he was the biggest star. To, matter who he was talking to, he was a biggest star, which is an odd sort of thing, because the bigger star is asking the lesser star questions. But that's why Johnny was gracious on the show. On the show.

You know, he was like, oh, let's hear about you. I'm interested. He was wonderful at that. It made you feel like it was all about you. Right. He was really good at that. He was also a giant thief. He stole the answer man.

And lifesavers from local wood. Lockstock and Tomahawk from Steve Allen. Right. He stole Aunt Blabby, lockstock and Tomahawk, and made it into, oh, no, his Ant Blabby was Jonathan Winters, some other character that Jonathan Winters do. when Johnny used to get into the dress and the wig and doing it. Right, right, right. He was just doing, he was just completely ripping off.

He did it shamelessly. Johnny was a hard man. What would it take to get back on the, doing concerts, just too much prep for you? A combination of things. One, I'm 70. I don't sleep well on the road. Yeah, yeah.

And if you don't sleep, well, you don't shit. I get it. And there we go. I wasn't even going to go there. Here we fucking go. I wasn't even going to go there. And I just bought a new walker, so I got that. No, but like...

But it's chrome. It's beautiful. It's an air maze water. Also, like the people who run hotels, I don't know what happened with that generation, but they're either stoned or they're disaffected or whatever, but they can't do simple things. And the hotels themselves. I'm talking about five-star hotels.

This was annoying using a private plane and five-star hotels. There was still so much aggravation with going on the road. I mean, I stayed at the Plaza Hotel, which they were so nice. They would black out the windows. They volunteered to do it. We heard Bill Sleep's label do like the Elvis thing with the silver foil. I mean, there could not have been nicer. And then one time I stayed there, and the TV didn't work.

couldn't work. And they sent up an engineer and they couldn't get it to work. I was like, okay, I guessed TV that could happen once. I'm not going to throw them onto the bus. I was stated the second time, TV didn't work again. I was like, you fucking people can't make a TV work in a five-star hotel. Well, it's difficult to explain. Make it seem like it's your fault. That's how to get to, you know, television isn't as popular as it used to me. and yet you have managed to have all these sitcoms, like in an era when they don't do it anymore. These days, people literally go, what's ABC? Do you literally have kids? Oh, absolutely. My younger daughters.

What's television? Kind of. They're like this. Is TV on here? Can I get it here? I take her to a movie because we love our movie night, and she's watching the movie like this. The movie's on.

And I go, hey. She goes, I got it. Like she's so used to this seven-second intervals on Instagram or snatch chat or whatever the hell she was. And she goes, click-dick, Tim. It's called click-dick. I get it. I just don't. I don't know where it goes.

And then the little one, my older one is back to TV again a little bit. But I said this, the situation now is curious because I work at ABC, and it's all about what ABC can do for Hulu. Yeah, sure. And I said, so why are we doing eight episodes? It used to be 22. Right. And I get what sounds like this, but I'm sure they go,

it's all of it's a commonplace, a little animal like I said. And as serious people will sit down and go, Just, could you slow that down one more time? I think I heard the, I heard the first part, Tim, it's simple. We have, there's a, there's a matrix that we have, said, that I've been a Santa point in Gao for now when you've seen or someone. Then I feel so stupid. I thought, I've got, I've got this.

And then I got a major player at one of my studio people. It's ship is sailed. It's a simpler system. People like this. And I snapped. It was when I was happening SAG and the AFL, the unions, all of us were talking about the strike. And I was involved in this.

I said, just outline, we're not trying to get more money. We're just trying to get what's coming to us. But you've taken away residuals and all this. It's simple the ship to sail. Nothing better than getting a good comic mad about something. It is really, it's like the best thing you can do. It's get them angry. Get a good comic mad about something.

Well, I still say this. It's just something takes over. You've been to Vegas many times. You see, gambling is only good for the casinos. There's one guy, because I don't gamble. And the guy... Just like self-help books are only good for the self-help authors. The guy, author, right.

They do fantastic. The guy in Vegas, I was up like three in the morning with John Fox, and we were running around downstairs. I go, people screaming at craps. And I told one of the guys, teach me craps. And he goes, that's like showing somebody how to, to do heroin. He goes, if you haven't, if you don't have any interest in it, you're better off just giving the doorman $100. Help him out. You're never going to win. This hotel is huge

because of losers. It is exactly. It's losers. This whole thing is losing. It's the greatest industry in the world. People give you money for nothing. For nothing. And Trump couldn't make it work. No. He couldn't make work in industry where people give you money for nothing. Was he gaming? Was it? It was to Atlantic City. Oh, yeah, that's right. When you said he wanted to be a producer, I had never heard that. You know what?

That's the plot of, you know, the Elmore Leonard movie with John Travolta. Oh, wow, good one. What? You know, what I'm talking about, Chili Palmer? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What is that movie? Oh, shit. You live near me in Michigan.

There's like two of them. They're great. Yeah. Trolta's great in them. But he's the guy, he's the gangster who wants to be a movie producer. Well, that's right. What is that? What is that? It's a famous movie where I'm stoned. You're not. You should be able to come up with it.

Trump goes in. And there's a sequel. They're both fantastic. Trump looked at me and he goes, well, what, and we're talking about, it was the Academy Award winner was a net game of Thrones. The other one, the Hobbit, not the Hobbit. It was the four movies, trilogy. Rings, Lord of the Rings. And he goes, that was a funny bit that he stole. He used it. He says, what do you think is going to win? I go, Lord of the Rings, it's up there for three movies. He goes, is it good? I go, actually, for that sort of movie, I've read the book, and it's, yeah, it's very well done. He goes, I should watch that.

And I go, Don, it's three, two-hour movies. It's six hours. I mean, I don't know, your plane flight. And he goes, well, I could watch it in, you know, Don, you're rich enough, you could get somebody to watch it for you. He cackled, he laughed so fucking hard at that. And then he does it. I hear it on the line. Now, they hated me when I reported that he listened to.

to you and that he laughs and that he never once like objected when I contradicted him or went up against him he's a completely different guy different guy in person right my friend says he has undiagnosed Tourette syndrome when he gets out

in front of the cameras and that he does I think that's what it's like Tourette's exactly when you're behind the scene when you're just privately with him you know you're going to humanize him well I hate to tell you he's a human he's a great He's a human who, like, is the president.

So you're going to have to talk to a matter what you think. Right. It's just so stupid. But he's, what got him? He goes, so what was the movie he was talking about? And he said, so if we got a studio together, let's say the movie cost, you know, a million six or a million, better than a million 20. And then I said, you got to double that, at least for the promotion. So you got 2.10 into a movie, 200 million.

And he goes, and what if the ticket sales are slow? You lose. And he goes, yeah, but you got to make up. the loss somehow how do you make up the loss it said well there'd be some tax benefit but you lose the money that's how come the studio's struggle then looking for winners you amortize your loss with losers over winners he goes oh and I go he says he went like completely decided at that moment I'm not going to get in this business he says if I buy a bad building right and it it won't sell I still have the fucking building right if you have a shitty movie

no and he says no this is not an easy business every movie is like a startup company yes I mean, a startup, if you spend, if an angel in Silicon Valley gives you $200 million for a startup business, which they do, that's a big business. Right. But that's what a high-end movie costs. Right, right. That's a startup. And maybe it's going to be a success, and maybe it's going to be a big loser. And it said the fact that these guys did it, and I got to, things have changed, and I don't know where we are right now where people go, the people that have visions that, um,

Allen at Disney, Alan Bergman, he has this passion that used to be, like the latest animated movie from Disney, and it slips from my mind. I saw a look in his face, and it's going to beat the Tom Cruise movie that was the new one for, Maverick? No, the new one where he was in the... Oh, Mission Impossible? And it did. It beat at the box office, one of these things, and they had that passion again where used to be on the Radford lot. There was cottages all along the side where writers would come out.

How about this? How about this? And we've lost that. There isn't, there isn't. You were really smart to get into cartoons. No, really. Well. I mean, that's where the business went.

Yeah, but what I'm saying is that I, there's been a couple big stars. The business out here is not the business I signed up for a long time ago. The passion was to entertain people. Yeah, but I bet the money is. It's not like it used to be. Come on. No. Toy Story?

Oh, that. What do you think we're talking about? Well, I'm talking about my, the way the sitcom. Or Santa Claus. I mean, they're both. The movies, but when you do streaming. They can't do either one of them without you. Yeah, but when you have that kind of leverage, come on.

However, the movie. It's almost like you can buy your own plane. Gotta go there again. That I flew it. But it's a mission. It was red on the inside, as I remember. Yes. What's with the red?

No, no, that's not mine. No? That was the old one. I have another one. Oh, you have another one. I have a fleet. I guess I got the old one. Yeah, now I find out about you, too, Marlon.

I get the shitty old plane. No, no, no, no, I was always happy to have it. But it said, in my defense... I never wanted to own. I love airplanes, because if you don't love them... Oh, well, certainly, we love private planes. Well, no, but I love... That's what I'm saying.

I flew on one one time for Disney, and they took me to two cities for home improvement, and they said, we're going to get you to Florida, and I said, we're going to fly into Atlanta. And for instance, they said, the person at Disney said, why don't you just use the plane? I go, I'm not gonna ask the studio to use the plane. She goes, we fly people to Cabo for a fishing trip.

And you're gonna go to five cities to sell a billion dollars worth of the product. I think you deserve to take the plane. But don't pause when you ask for it. Just say, send me the plane. Don't say, please, you know, if it's okay, if you have enough gas. I did a thing, one about two years ago,

I should send it to you if you haven't seen it about like people who take private planes. I was just like saying, I mean, it was a whole thing about the environmental, which I would like to think I'm still an environmentalist. I certainly think there is an environmental crisis, but I was saying we have tried for 50 years to try the method of shaming people into doing what's right. Plainly, that doesn't work on Americans. Well, you know who did it best?

You know who said it best was the Terminator Schwarzenegger, and he said it by one of those things that you want to get annoyed by him, and nobody gives the shit about climate change. He said that, remember he said it? He goes, nobody cares about climate change. Pause. Pollution, we understand. The word climate change is so broad, you go,

Oh, we can't. Right. Pollution. You can handle pollution. Things of that nature. And I so agree with them. Climate change is real. I get it.

What can I do about it? Use less plastic. I put solar on my house. Anything I can do to lower my carbon footprint. Well, all that bullshit that you did, Tim, didn't add up to one millionth of the trips you've taken on that. And I took just on your...

No, but it's true. You can't private plane shame me. But that was the point of the bit I did. I was saying, like, we have tried this. I'm an environmentalist. I believe it's a problem. But, you know, using a cloth bag is not going to fix it.

And the plastic, by the way, that everyone separates, like 95% of it winds up where it was going to anyway, which is the ocean. So just don't fuck with me And then I showed a picture of every celebrity Who claims to be a giant environmentalist Getting on a private play

So I don't say it So like as long as there's 6,000 flights a day Me doing one more I'm sorry I'm not going to be on Greta's sailboat Okay Because I hear getting the shit off that thing is a mess But I said that Arnold comment I said I really like his frame of mind on many things

But that one he's so right Give me a problem that I can deal with the wording of climate change. It makes everybody feel helpless. You're right. It's nothing like feeling. It's too big. It's nothing like feeling helpless to get people to do nothing. They had a strike in Paris a few years ago, the Yellow Jacket Strike, and it was about, you know, Macron, who I think is a very smart guy and wants to get in on the climate issue, and it's all valid.

But the guy said, you know, he's thinking about the end of the world. I'm thinking about the end of the month. Yes. And that says a lot. You know, it really epitomizes what a lot of people think. And you have to find a way to square that circle if you're going to make it work. Because if you're not going to do something that practically works, then we're just fucking jerking each other off, putting the plastic in a separate bag.

Fuck you, if you made me do that all these years, and it just went to the same place. You were just jerking me off. Went to DWP for the History Channel and watched what they do. Number one, I used to, I, I, I was always mad at the DWP for a variety of reasons until I went down there and saw the people that do the frickin' work for us in Los Angeles. Department of Water and Power. Yeah, they do. They build the power wires and the grids and they do so much.

And there were so many freaking hardworking people down there. I was ashamed at what I felt. They don't do it in my neighborhood. Streets are corrupt. They do these big cisterns and clean out that black and brown water. I'm talking about when you're dumping that. Gotta be done. They ought to be done.

And they did recycle. And you look at how difficult it is. And in a way, there's just nothing to do with it. You know, they recycle metal with this big machine that the magnet takes reusable metal. That's okay. And think of the energy that it takes to take the metal away from the other metal and then store it and put it back and heat it up to turn it into metal. I mean, and also there's a problem of nobody wants it in their backyard. Right.

I mean, nuclear waste, they tried to put it in Yucca Mountain. Right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it's still like, everyone was like, who gives a shit about Yucca Mountain? Oh, wait, they're going to put nuclear waste there. Right, right, right. That's 100 miles away. You can't do that to me.

Well, as I said, you look at the whole overview. There was a Texas company that I had read that they were getting much cleaner coal, 60% cleaner. So, look, where you can use coal, where you can smaller nuclear reactors, not these big ones, that are very difficult to screw up. You don't want the ones that can screw up. Definitely don't want that. And then one guy said all the nuclear waste, this is probably six years ago,

would be a six foot high square that would fill up a football field. That's all the nuclear waste on the planet. He said, when you look at it that way, that's not very much. It's workable. It's workable. You don't want to put it now.

Where they're thinking is put it in one of your homes here because you've got so many homes on this property that you're not using. That's not the truth. Well, no, I've been told by your staff that if you have... That's not true. Well, there's...

I mean, I've talked to the... I live very modestly. I talk to the staff of the staff because you have a lot. There's people that work for the people that work... Well, I have people who talk to the staff for me. You don't expect me to talk directly to the staff. No, fuck.

You don't know eye contact. That's how I get along. You do not want looking at these people. I don't know what they eat. I don't care what they eat. Just don't eat it here. They eat what they get on the land, okay? Whatever they can fall on the land is what the peasants get.

I totally go by that. Christ. I just eat a lot and I scoot some of it off the table. But it sounds like you could be setting yourself up for a political run. You would actually be very successful. You're iconic. You're middle of the road. You're middle of the country.

If you ran as an old school blue dog Democrat. Why the word old? I, oh, well, you're old. With a new chrome walker. We can't, we can't, we can't allied that. We are who we are at the age we are. We're not Biden era old. We're not there.

We are totally, you look, I'm telling you, you, you have aged as well as you can. That's the only realistic compliment I can give you. I'm slamming, but crying inside. You know, you are not. You've aged as well as you can. You absolutely have. You have hair. You're not fat.

right your skin looks good no but still the way i heard it you've aged as well your skin looks good uh you mentioned your dermatologist which was a little weird um for a man um you know you're wearing jeans right you know your dermatologist you know you missed skin cancer five times the lady at the today's show noticed it she's going i'm not a dermatologist but you have that's something on your nose that this is two years i did jimmy fallon and then he did it next that Day Show. And she goes, I see you haven't done anything again. And I'm going, I have a very prominent dermatologist in Beverly Hills. And so the bit was he goes like this. I said to find me, I said, hey, Doc, would you take a look at this thing on my nose? First time I've ever seen

seen him go, hold on a man. He put glasses on for the first time in 30 years ago. How long have you worn glasses? He goes, I don't like how I look in him. And then he sings my nose. He looks at my He goes, oh, shit, shit. Janice, get Paul in here and my lawyer. And they all come in. And he goes, yeah, I screwed up. That's a melanoma, Flavacarcone, and he works for Netflix now. And he had, he had, he, well, they cut half my fucking nose off, which is a whole other

story, send me to a breast cancer guy that could take it off, but he's, I don't see anything. Well, now he did a good job. He goes, he said, I'm going to have to cut most of your nose off. And he said it like that. And I go, let me explain what I do. for a loving. Unless I'm going to do blazing saddles with the guy with the silver nose, you have to leave some of my fucking nose on so I can do comedy without doing 20 minutes on

having no nose. No, but it all worked out. The guy was good. The surgeon was good, but I said. Amazingly good. Yeah, well, that's dermatologically. That's, uh. All right. Well, thank you. Thank you, man. This is such a pleasure. Oh, God. I'm telling you. Really? You had a good time? Is there any place to, were you ever going to get out of here? Yeah. You're locked. You're locked. I'm getting you off right now.

We're locked in here? No, no, no. There's a bathroom right there. Or are too late. Whatever you want to do. All you have to do is take a picture. This is fun. This was so much fun.

Damn.