Club Random with Bill Maher - Tommy Lee | Club Random with Bill Maher

Episode Date: October 15, 2023

Tommy Lee’s wild stories about staying sober as a rock star, the senses that evoke memories, the psychology of being a drummer, the insanity of Motley Crue not being in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, the unbelievable pounding the human body can take, Tommy’s full body scan, the highly unusual way Motley Crue got Jack Daniels into their bodies, the joy of tattoos, Tommy’s hardcore fandom, and Tommy’s gift for Bill.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

At public mobile, we do things differently. From our subscription phone plans to throwing a big sale right now when no one else is. Well maybe they are, but who cares, our sale is better. And it's on right now, no waiting necessary. You have the latest phone, now take advantage of a great price on a 5G subscription phone plan. It's the perfect deal for anyone who could use some savings right now. Subscribe today at publicmobile.ca. Different is calling. I'm drinking two gallons of vodka a day. Galen? Galen's the big handle.

I know what a gallon is. Dude. I was expecting this. I was expecting this. This is crazy bright TV lights and like... I know. They're like really nice. I've never seen this.

This is a very different kind of show. It's hardly a show. Oh, I've watched it. A bunch. That's why I love it. But it just looks brighter. Yeah. I mean, it says 90 as I could be.

Also, like, look, this was my party house before it became a podcast studio. It's the same place. The difference is that before podcasting, every time I'm in here, there's music playing. Like your music. And it's a great, music sounds great in here because look the low Sailing's the hard right we love that dude. I was just telling one of the guys that works on your sound crew or video crew I said dude this is a perfect studio spot Because the the live walls. Yeah super ambient if you want it to be right

But they're when I if I said if I'm going to do a podcast, I'm going to do one that's very different. And there was none with a nighttime feel. You know, it's very bright. It's it was fine. It's, but it's just a different version of a TV studio. And it's the same level of, well, it just sort of, you know, people act the way they do in a TV studio.

People don't act that way here. And I, when I was coming in, your wife broke my heart and said, you don't do any drugs anymore. I know you're completely sober. I just, you know, I just celebrated a year of sobriety. Well, what does this celebrate? And that's the problem.

Like, I know. No, dude, I make it. I make it like a year, and then I'm so stoked that I made it a year that I celebrate. That is peak rock star on so many levels. I know it is. I find that so funny, because I mean,

I feel like it's one advantage, I guess. I have as a comedian, we don't have this, I mean, not that we have an ad, some drug addict and drug overdose comedians, but not all of them. Yeah. What is it with the overload of drugs? Why do you need drugs when it gives you

such a great life outside of drugs? I mean, drugs to enhance a bit, but like, Yeah. But like, not to the point of like, didn't you once have like a contest with some band where who could get fucked up the most? Was it guns and roses? Or?

Yeah. Yeah. And then like who could be more sick without passing out? I mean, just like out drinking? Yeah, out drinking. Yeah, and it's, I don't know what there's no prize. There's no nothing. It's just like, it's just like a thing,

like a out cool thing to do, you know? Like, oh, we can drink more than you guys. Yeah, I guess when you're 20s. When you're 20s, everything is a stupid move. There you go. And your body can take you. Right, yeah. Yeah, I'm telling you,

comedians do things in moderation. That's why I'm still able to do this at 67. So in a way, I won. You did? I'm not getting any into things in moderation. That's why I'm still able to do this at 67. So in a way, I won. You did? I'm not getting. No, no. Rockstar's always win, and we know that. Everybody wants to be a rockstar.

That's why they use the term rockstar, right? Yeah, I guess so. For everybody. I guess, yeah. I've smoked with a snoop dog. And I had to literally, but there's like three going around at once. And I looked at my assistant after a couple of puffs and I was like, dude, get me out of here,

take me to my room. I had to go to my room and just sit there. I was so fucking high and so paranoid. Yeah. Like it took me way further than I needed. I just wanted it to chill. And it just, it got me. I've had a couple of bad experiences, even on pot.

One, eating it. Because eating it can be a very different psychotropic experience. It goes through a different way. Sometimes you're stupid and you're like, after an hour, boy, I didn't feel anything. Maybe you'll do another one and, you know, and then you're like after an hour. Boy, I didn't feel anything. Maybe you'll do another one and, you know, and then you're much humping parked cars.

You've locked in for another four, five hours. Uh-oh. So, you, I appreciate you making time. I know you're tonight. Is it tonight you're going over to join Metallica? Yeah, I'm going to go see you then play. That's... Actually, I've seen himica? Yeah, I'm going to go see them play. That's... Actually, I've seen them a million times.

I'm sure you have. No one the guys for a while. Um, my wife's birthday is next week, so... Hmm. She's like, can we go see Metallica? I was like, yeah, let's go. Let's go. And uh...

Absolutely. We're going to go all settle this. After this. After this. After this. After this. After this. Yeah, I think I've finally got it right. Well, I think age has a lot to do with that. I mean, you have to have some of that tiger blood, get blood out of your body before you can be a normal person.

Yeah. Yeah. And especially in your business. Oh, no. Right, I mean, it's just, it's not something the mortal man can really comprehend, you know, like how are you guys, both the good and the bad? Yeah, it's really hard to have any sort of a relationship.

Yeah, when you're constantly on another part of the world, And the long distance love over the phone before that there was face time, that didn't work. I had to dara hall here one day, dara hall. Oh yeah. You know, awesome guy. Yeah.

Oh, he said that. Great time. And I just said, yeah, how can you really be faithful when like all these hot chicks are throwing themselves at you all the time? And he just went, it's impossible. He said, what? It's impossible.

It's impossible. I mean, I felt like, yes, as a man, I understand that. Yes. I mean, I wish I could understand it. Yeah. Well, no, from what I've heard, you do understand it. Well, no, no, no. See, that's what that's interesting.

You're not married yet. You're clearly still rocking shit. Well, clearly. Well, you know what, John Mellon camp was just here, who I truly adore. And I was thinking of, I should have said it to him when he was here, but one of my favorite lyrics of his is, life goes on long after the thrill of living has gone.

You know that song. I don't. Yes, you do. That's like one of his biggest hits. Oh. Hang on to 16 as long as you can. I'm terrible with titles. Yes.

It's either pink houses or, oh yeah, as long as you can. I'm terrible with titles. Yeah, but I mean... It's either pink houses or, oh yeah, life goes on. Oh, yeah, yeah. Done. After the thrill of living as gum. C'mon. C'mon.

Yeah. I went on to 16 as long as you can. And like that kind of... I just took that to heart. And so like, I heard that was like a different person and I heard that lyric and my life changed, like, like, Saul on the road to Damascus. No, but when I heard it, I was like,

yes, that is what I think I should do, is like, try to hang on to 16 as long as I can. It's not 16, but like 16, if you could be 16 with the brain of an older person, that's what we, they even can't ever really get. That's, I feel like that's how I am. Like, you know, people are always, you know, like, I don't know.

I always say I'm fucking fucking 16 going on 60. You know, it's just like, you're seeing my- I thought I'll never stop being a fucking kid. I just won't. I will not refuse to. A true rock star does have a different kind of DNA because like, look at the Rolling Stones. Their Mick Jagger has the same waist and he's 103. He's the Rolling Stones. Their Mick Jagger has the same waist, and he's 103. He's the same waist.

And they all have every hair on their head, even though I'm tired of cancer, had all his hair with him. It's like they were skinny and ugly when they were 20. And they were still skinny and ugly. In a way, they haven't changed at all. No, you don't look like you put on one ounce. I've done it all.

I weigh the savings I did in high school. I swear to God. And when do you attribute this to? I have no idea. It's the rock star thing. It is. It's like one mule a day of shit. Load of booze and drugs.

And yeah, I just kind of not really live in that healthy. But now you are, but yeah. Well, that's every rock star, every article you read about some old band, they say, yeah, back in the day before the show, there was midgets, you know, getting fucked with cocaine, twizzlers or whatever.

And all this crazy shit. And now on the road, they eat microbiotic, and they have a trainer and an oxygen center. A couple of them are vegans. Right. Yeah. I mean, it's like the lifetime channel is always playing in the dressing room.

Welcome to the fight. Like, you know, but that's aging. But yeah, it is. And it's not a, it's not a trust me kids when you get older. It's not a crime to just submit to it and go, no, I'm not going to abuse my body. It's just, we all come to the same conclusion except the dead ones. Like, it's not worth the pain. Yes, it's, it's fun. You know, Jerry Seinfeld used to have that great bit about night guy and night guy and day guy, you know, night guy's like,

fuck, day guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that when you get, I'll stay out before in the morning. And, but when you day guy has to get up for work at nine, he's pissed at night guy. Yeah. We all did that for years. I certainly, you know, as many, I hate you, night guy. Yes. Mornings. Yes.

Oh, dude. I thought you probably haven't seen that many mornings. Oh, so many. Oh, really? You mean, from the night before? Yes. No. Oh, so many. Oh, really? You mean from the night before? Yes. Yes.

And you know what, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's Switzerland, maybe Sweden, some Scandinavia. And it's like three in the morning, and I'm winding down after the show and I'm out on my balcony at the hotel,

and it's fucking, it's daylight. And I'm sitting there, and I'm like, man, this, and it just triggered all these feelings of like, do you stay up? Do I do another bump? Do I pour another fucking stiff cocktail or do I go to bed? And I'm sitting there going like, God, this is fucking weird. Just the light will do that to you. Yes.

You know? Yeah. Yeah, that's a good one. The interesting one triggers memories. You know who? Like that. I mean, I don't know if you ever, like, had to sit through reading Marcel Proust, but he was one of the great novelists of the last century, Franchion,

wrote an incredibly dense, ridiculous book that called Remembrance of Things Past. Seven volumes, oh, I had to get through some of it ridiculous book that called Remembrance of Things Past, Seven Volumes. Oh, I had to get through some of it in college. It's just ridiculous. But the whole point of it is, his whole theme, why this is so genius I never knew

is that smells are what evoke our memories. Smell, smell. Wow. And he was an asthmatic who lived the last 30 of his life in a cork-roomed, cork-roomed, cork-lined room in Paris. I guess cork is good for the asthma and wrote this book. And the whole thing is like, you know, he trips over the flagstone and on the ground, he falls and he smells the metal in or some flower of his youth,

and suddenly all these floodgates of memory were opened up. Wow. I think I just spared you about 1,100 hours. Thank you, I appreciate that. I appreciate that. No, maybe, maybe there are people listening to this. Most of them are like,

what the fuck is a guy talking about? But I'm telling you, you lit majors, you knew what I'm talking about. And maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it is great, but boy, I thought it was horrible. And like, what's the point? Yeah, I get it. But I would think it would be, you know what?

That's interesting that it's smell. Yeah, because music does that for me. I think it's different. Right to fucking where I was me to who I was with exactly what the fuck we were doing. That's the other problem I have with that fucking book. But smell also does that too because there's certain sense like, you know, the fucking the smell of mothballs and reminds me of my grandma's house. You're fucking the smell of mothballs and reminds me of my grandma's house. Gardinius, the smell of Gardinius remind me of it's my favorite flower. It just makes me happy. So I get it.

I get it. But. Right. Grandma's balls. Grandma's mothballs. Grandma's mothballs. And there's a song, Tommy. Yeah. Is that what I want to...

Grandma's mothballs? I mean, for a band that's been called Satanic, I think it lives up to the brand. I think so. It's like some people have skills that are so far from what I could ever do. You know, that ballet stripping, although... If I had to, look,

things may get rough with this move or dry it, with the economy, you know? I mean, Trump could get reelected, Biden could fuck up anything could happen. And I, you know, I don't wanna go to a nine to five. I would strip. What about you? If you had to choose between stripping to a nine to five. I would strip. What about you? If you had to choose between stripping or a nine to five,

say the whole bottom fell out. You lost your fortune, everything went down. It's nobody else would hire you. I would cancel. I would strip. I love being there. Let's be strippers together. Tommy, if you ever go, if it's not doing on purpose,

I'm just saying, if it comes to that, okay, let's not purposely be stripper. We got the spot. We do. That's our... Oh, it's so funny that you are here. I can't believe I'm saying these words. The stripper pole.

Oh, I heard there was one. It's being repaired. Oh, well, that's a good sign, because if it wasn't being repaired that means it's just sitting there Who would America says that? But it's the true Purple which is only there where was it over here? It's right there. It's been there for 20 years It's yeah, you see the hole in the ceiling dude. It's

Yeah, you see the hole in the ceiling. Dude, it's being... Oh, okay, who brought you? What time were you dancing, Bill? Were you down here by yourself, practicing? No, some of those... I just took a big believer in home upkeep. Ah. Architectural Jai Jess was coming to film it as they do.

And Good Homes and Gardens wanted to see. And so I thought, oh, you know what? I'm just embarrassed by this triple poll. And I'm going to upgrade. And I did. And also you took it out. It's been, yeah, it's taken out. And a better brighter slippery, slipperyier, slipier, you're beautiful.

You're beautiful. Beautiful. It's being installed, but I find it cosmic that you, of all people are here when it's not here, because I associate you with girls, girls, girls, girls. I mean, the video, you know, where was that? That was a strip, right?

Yes. Yes. Yes. Dude. That's amazing. What? Did I have a stripper pole? Yeah, well, not that you have a stripper pole, but it's actually gone the day I'm here.

That is cause. That's fucking weird. You believe in things like that? You believe in that there's like no coincidences and the universe, whatever the fuck that is, is trying to communicate with you? I don't know much. You know what I mean?

Like, I'm so... I don't know. You know what communicating and aging and life in the way everything works and you're the best at this stuff. Like calling it like it is and saying it how it is. Well, thank you. I have a, I'm typically pretty shy, actually. And I don't really do a lot of this.

So, you know why you're shy? Because you're always so attractive to women, especially after you're a rock star, but even before I'm sure you just had that thing, that you never really had to, like, like, shy guys have to develop a rap. You know, whereas, you know, your opening line is, thank you very much. You know, that's your sort of already, you know what I'm saying. I hear you, I hear you.

So which beetle do you think had the longest dick? Which, well who? I'm just, which beetle. Which beetle? The longest dick? Yeah, like which beetle had the biggest dick do you think? I've heard rumors of who? Rumors of who?

I heard rumors it was George. George. You know the Beatles, isn't it? Of course. Of course. You love the Beatles? Fuck. Yes.

Yeah. I mean, they kind of... I mean, they did everything first. But kind of including, like, birthday, you know, birthday on the White Album. Ta-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Ta-da-da-da-da-da. That riff rock, I think that was like the granddaddy of that. Probably. Right. Probably.

And who writes the most played song ever? Like, right. Dude. Yeah, and a lot of the other most played, I mean, yeah. Yeah. To have three great songwriters in one band. Yeah, you know. Yeah.

That's a lot of product. I think I'm gonna go though with... Oh, the question, yeah. With Ringo. The drumming. I love that choice. Because just I don't know. The drummer.

The drummer just... Of course. The drummer thing. Look who I'm talking to. They all got big sticks. Look who I'm talking to. Of course it's the drummer. The drumming.

And it's almost athletic drumming, right? I mean, you're almost like, I bet you don't do it if you don't drumming, right? I mean, you're almost like, I bet you don't do it if you don't warm up, right? I have to warm up. You have to warm up. It's like, right, like physically, it's almost like playing a game. Dude, I have a funky, crazy statistic for you

that's gonna blow your mind. You ask, like, how do you stay like this, you know? I was really fucking curious and I put one of those. This is, like, the old school. This is the Tractor Mode, Mirror Movement. Jocfit, Fitbit, whatever the fuck got there. Okay, anyway, I got a pedometer. You clip on your shoe, and it tracks fits for joggers.

And I was curious, I'm like, I wonder how much, I wonder how far I run during a two-hour show. I cl like, I wonder how much, how, I wonder how far I run during a two-hour show. I clipped the thing on my foot, took it off after the show, and it said 12.3 miles. Yeah. I'm surprised. No wonder, like, I think everything in sight,

I don't give any weight. Like, I swear to work out. It's like an ultimate workout. Yeah. You could probably sell it like that. You could, I have a fucking info-marshall, I mean, like, you want to get in shape? The Tommy Lee drumming and it just, yeah. Drums are therapeutic, man, in many ways.

Like there's children's books out there, dude, that suggest get a child drums. It's a great place for them to let out their feelings of aggression. They don't know what to do with. I must tell you, it's the drum tribal. It's not a pew. It's not a pew. It's as amazing as the other thing we were talking about

when they could wrap off the top of their head and rhyme. Drumming is just as amazing. I'll tell you why. I tried once to learn how to write a motorcycle. Yeah. Couldn't do it, because it's like, you have to use all four, both arms and both legs, same with drumming. Yeah.

That's not how my mind works. My mind is like one thing. I'm very good at one thing what I'm doing right at this time. But like, I also like, I don't think I was if I'm good at writing scripts with like 12 characters, because I don't care about those other lower characters. Just want to tell you what I think. That's my mind.

So drumming to me is like out of this world crazy that you can do that. You can have all your limbs independently at the high. It's just a brainwiring. It is. I do not have that chip. And then it's wild. It's one of those things that can be taught, but it's a lot of work.

And you can tell right away if somebody is teachable, and there's others, and you can tell right away if somebody is teachable, and there's others, and that might, maybe you, that just, they just don't feel it. It's one of those things, man, you like, I think you're kind of born with that instinctual rhythm and able to play to different rhythms with different parts of your body. You just want to be on shit when you're a kid. All the time. I drove my fucking parents crazy.

By the time they said, by the time I was... You're so lucky that you came along at a time in human history when you could make a fortune with the skill of beating on shit. Because, you know, like I said, something like a baseball player. You can throw a ball a hundred miles an hour. You can be worth hundreds of millions, whereas, you know, 200 years ago,

that was, you know, I can throw a rock real fast. Great. Yeah, great. Nothing and beating on shit was not profitable. Yeah, you were good. Yeah, you were good. You were right time. Yeah, it's pretty crazy.

I can't, and also, I can't really think of too many other like star drummers in the band, Don Henley. Of course, comes to mind, right? Killer voice, too. And the most amazing voice. And a great songwriter. And a great songwriter. Yes.

I remember Billy Joel saying, he always thought it was weird when the drummer was the singer. Ringo did it too for a few numbers. Yeah, in it, it was weird when the drummer was the singer. Ringo did it too for a few numbers. Yeah, in a weird thing, because just so used to looking at somebody up front, never the guy in the back on the mic. And you're so busy while you're singing. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, something suffering. The drum suffering, or again, a drummer, that's the thing.

You're doing four things, chewing gum and singing, six things at once. It's kind of like a, and sometimes getting blown. And that, and that. So, I mean, I hear epitaphs and then somebody else goes, rock and roll will never die. Okay, but it's not really the,

I guess they're talking about whenever it's ascended now. I'm not even sure what is in music. What's like, what would you call like the weekend and Taylor Swift and Beyonce and you know, the really Rihanna, the giant pop, pop. Still called that pop. Pop, which is popular music? Right, popular. It's fucking popular pop music. Yeah, I've always been such a fan of popular. Really. As far as music goes, especially, like, I don't be a snob with music.

The way to make sure you have a terrible record collection is to go by record reviews, like in Rolling Stone and I don't care about what's important music. Yeah, it's good music. Yeah, I know. Yeah, I want to have a good time. Yeah, a song that I can I remember Yeah, and I can sing the melody to a app like to you know two days later it's stuck in your head You're like, yeah, well, what kind of infectious shit did I just listen to? That stuff that gets inside you. That's powerful man. Well, you've gotten inside a lot of us. Yeah

I mean, I mean that in both ways. Oh, uh, you, you, you in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, you guys? No. That must be a big controversy. You wouldn't have a lot of people clamoring. I think you deserve that. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Why do we even have a Rock and Roll of Fame? Rock and Roll could be, could not be more antithetical to the idea of enshrining. Yeah, it's a weird one. For a long time, we were like, I don't know if we... Well, actually, as the rock and the... The Hall of Fame got bigger and more people were being inducted into this thing.

After a while, it sort of lost its, and people that you think, people that were getting inducted, you're like, are you sure? Gosh, are we talking about this? I'm sure, and now it's like, I don't even know, like we've always said to ourselves, if they asked, we'd probably say,

not really interested, to who we're talking about specifically, who were, who were, who were all stood there. We don't want to name names. Right. But I'm just saying, Not really interested. Who are we talking about specifically? Who are the vaults in there? We don't want to name names. But I'm just saying, if the people who did woolly booleer in there, bro, that's what I'm saying. We were like, you know what? Maybe this isn't the cool club that I remember.

Like, this must have been the 80s. You probably were on the cover it when I read this article, but it was in Rolling Stone and Rolling Stone and put out like the hundred greatest singles. You know, they need to do these covers from time to time. You know, the hundred greatest guitar plays. So like it says, ooh, like fuck off.

Yeah, yeah. And so like a hundred greatest singles in number 33 was woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo. Wooly bully. That's why that stuck in my mouth, dude. And somebody wrote in a letter I was in the 30s, and I was in the 30s. I was in the 30s, and I was in the 30s, and I was in the 30s. I was in the 30s, and I was in the 30s, and I was in the 30s, and I was in the 30s, and I was in the 30s, and I was in the 30s, and I was in the 30s, and I was in the 30s, and I was in the 30s, and I was in the 30s, and I was in the 30s, and I was in the 30s,

and I was in the 30s, and I was in the 30s, and I was in the 30s, and I was in the 30s, and I was in the 30s, and I was in the 30s, and I was in the 30s, and I was in the 30s, and I was in the 30s, who came after Willie Bowie. Oh, dear. I'm their list. The apology. Right? Oh my God. And that tells you everything you need to know about critics. They picked Willie Bowie. Yeah. It didn't be like, like, are you fucking kidding? Yeah, they did.

No, of course, I hope so. How do they even get? Who grows up and goes, I want to I hope so. How do they even get who grows up and goes, I want to be a critic. Right, a dick. Yeah, I want to be a dick. Who does that? To be fair, there have been...

I'm sure this. Through history, yes. I think fair and good critics who did it for the right reason that they wanted to be a guide. That's, I think the difference is today that the critics, they think they're stars. So it's just about, this is what I think.

Well, you know, it was always about what you think, but it was always about also just, I'm the critic. I'm the guy, the guy, person who's reading the paper is looking to, to tell that person, do I want to go see this movie or not? But they didn't have an attitude about it. You'd read a review in 1981 of the latest alone movie, and there would be like, you know, you get the idea,

this isn't this guy's cup of tea, but if you like kick ass shit like this, it's well done, you know? It wasn't just like, oh, look how clever I can look by shitting on something. Yeah, when the critic becomes the focus of the thing that's being criticized or reviewed, then yeah, that's where it is a great question you ask.

Like why does someone choose that? It's like choosing to be a proctologist of all the, you know, you could look in any part of the body. Yeah. You know, eyes. I mean, I mean, that's kind of gross and knows, you know, that why that one, I wouldn't pick either your nose and throat.

Like, oh good, let me be near people who have the things I'm trying to avoid getting all the way home. Oh, no. But, no. But yeah, you're hard, you know, but assholes. Yeah, no. It's like, it's something on a psychological test. We're like, oh, you're the doctor, but you chose this.

What are you going to college for? I want to be a... But what will we, is that talking about? So, let's try to work our way back like canceling Gretel with... Oh my God. Out of what drop bread crumbs. Dude. So, we were talking about assholes. Let's try to work our way back, like cancel and gretel with. Oh my God. We dropped breadcrumbs.

So we were talking about assholes. Yes. We get on to assholes. It was about proctologists. It was like choosing, right? Like, well... Yeah, assholes being critics? At critics!

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You make it anyway, because you're writing this review and you want your review to be funny and you want the review itself is a piece of art in their mind. And it can be. Yeah. Critic, that definitely esteemed books in the library of these are with critics, you know, literary critics and so forth. So, you know, you want your piece of art to look good and shiny and be funny and blah, blah, blah.

And sometimes I felt like, oh yeah, you know what? That joke wasn't 100% fair, but, you know, who's first of all, who's get, who gets gets fair any of the time? Everybody has stereotypes, they, I mean, they're rock star stereotypes models. Supermodels are always throwing up. Is that really true? Yeah, no. I love the way you can answer that. Not rhetorically, but just, no, and I'm reviewing... Oh, boy. Right, they're not always throwing up. No, no. I mean, some of them are getting gagged,

but they're throwing up. Oh, boy. Well, I think you should be in the rock and roll of fame, and I'm going to write a sternly worded letter. Yeah. Now, there must be a big movement for that, a band of Eurosteam. Yeah, I don't even actually know how that works.

It's great that you're shown, do they contact you and say, hey, how do you know what a fuck-yes they do? Fuck work. Of course they do. They're not trying to keep it a secret. They hold you in. Right. Tommy, I am sure there is a movement.

If I Googled on the internet, you know, angry, motley crew fans who want the rock and roll hall of fame to anoint them as they should, there would be thousands and thousands of people who have been onto this thing. Yeah, yeah. This is true. Well, yeah.

Okay, so let's get them riled up. What are you drinking there? That's just a little maple syrup. Maple syrup? No, I'm joking. It's a tequila. That was awfully light for people. No, I don't want to tempt you. No, you wouldn't. You wouldn't be tempted? No, I'm joking. It's a tequila. That was awfully light for people. No, I don't want to tempt you.

No, you wouldn't be tempted. Oh, I know. Yeah. I'm brokenhearted that I'm not tempting, but no, I don't blame you. No, once you give up the sauce, you should, you know, I wish I didn't drink any and I drink a little, but even that's not good for you. There's no amount of poison that is okay. We go by this rule in America, it seems like

so a little poison is okay. We do, we tested it, and it's only like 36 particles per thousand. And we think 50 is the, it's like, you know what, fuck off. I want no particles. Or if I do, I want to choose them. And these are the particles I'm choosing, and not many particles the way I'm buying. But I feel like Sammy Davis Jr. once said,

when they said, you know, what's the hardest thing about quitting drinking? And he said, getting up in the morning and knowing, that's as good as I'm going to feel all day. Wow, that's an interesting one. Wow. You know that feeling? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. God, it's fucking crazy. I'll call it such a fucking fucking weird one too, because fuck. It's just, it's easy to fall in love with. The way it makes you feel, the way it makes you relax. And then all of a sudden you're like, fuck. It's amazing.

Two gallons of vodka a day. Well, you're trying to kill yourself now. This is not like, Are you talking about yourself? Yeah, come on. to kill yourself now. This is not like... Are you talking about yourself? For, yeah. Come on. Two gallons of milk. No. I swear to you, dude, I swear to God.

Gallons? Gallons, the big handle. I know what a gallon is. Do. Because I know it's four quarts. Yes. And a quarts is like a bottle of liquor. Is a normal bottle.

Mm-hmm. So you drink eight bottles of liquor? Yeah. A day. Are you sure? Yeah, I'm, I mean, that's my wife. For how long? Fuck, man, for a long time. I mean, your liver must be made of asbestos.

That's what I'm saying. Like, like, I can't, I can't believe, I pinch myself on a daily basis, like, I fuck my shit, I just did the full body scan where they do, see, head to toe, everything. And I can't believe smoking, drinking, all the fucking dumb shit or the fun shit that I've done. All right.

Dude, the doctor was like, you're good. And I was like, are you sure you have the, let me see, like is that my name on there? Is there some Japanese guy in here that you have his results that you're reading from because I find that fucking impossible. This is impossible. No, I mean, but he's right, because like I'm just looking at you, you know, you don't

look like a person who lived a hard life, you know, that's wild. Yeah, fuck, it's wild. No, you know what it is, Tommy. It's a, it's, it's great proof for the people who need help with the argument of, you know, what causes certain medical outcomes. And the answer, of course, is complicated. One part of it is definitely genetics. That's the part where you were dealt a huge ace. Your genetics are amazing because eight-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b Eight bottles of fucking liquor a day. Yeah. It's like the most preposterous thing I've ever heard in my life. Your liver is on crutches at that point.

Like it's just barely functioning. I don't know. And now your liver's fine. Fine. Yeah, of course. Well, I mean, what the f-? Well, I mean, it's not a giant mystery. You stop abusing your body and doing the thing that makes your liver sick.

Yeah. But not everyone springs back that quick. I know this. So how old were you when you did quit? When you, or at least it was at a process of scaling back for a while, and then full stop? Or was it like a lot right to none? Like, 89.90 is one, as a band, we decided.

We're like, okay, dude, so someone's gonna not wake up one morning like this is getting fucking ridiculous. Right. And as a band, we saw fucking drug man. Yeah, so many's gonna do something. We would take fucking handfuls. Somebody has got to do something about this drug use in America, Tommy.

You know what, Halcyon's were? Do you remember those? Halcyon? You take first? Of course I do. Okay. I didn't take it, but. Yeah.

We would take a handful of those and fucking pound a bottle of jack and then go out for the evening. You take those to go to sleep for a long time. Oh, my God. And then, you know what I'm saying? Like, so it was that kind of shit where someone's gonna fucking not wake up. What was happening? Was it like, um, volume?

It's like a volume. We're housing. I do remember that word, but I was pet. I think that's after I was not ever doing those kind of drugs anymore. I think I ever did them a lot, but I did exeasy for a few years in the late late 80s, early 90s, and it was great, but it did have very quick acting diminishing returns.

Like the first time was super-different, amazing, and then the second time is, oh, this is amazing, and then the third time is oh this is amazing and then the third time is this was really great And you know by the eighth time it was like your mind kind of got used to and then it was just like you know Like every I always thought every high every drug is just good or bad pot. It's just some variation on pot for me You gotcha, you know, yeah, yeah, I'll see that You guys also smoked weed, I hope. Oh yeah, fuck. Dude, everything.

Harrowing cold. Harrowing. Everything. Not Harrow. Oh, fuck, everything. Everything. It's all there. All of it.

All right, Junior, book. Yeah. I mean, pretty notorious moments of like, when we could just drink the whiskey, right. Nicky and I would take the cap off the fucking fifth of Jack and fill up the cap and take a syringe and we would shoot the Jack down. It was when we could just drink it, we would shoot it

because shooting it was fucking quicker. Like, you know what I mean? Like faster, louder, harder, but... How often did this happen? We would do this shit all the time. We didn't get coke, but it would. Like, well, fuck, let's shoot some booze. Didn't your, your, you know, arm look like...

Yeah, they get pretty beat up. The tattoos camouflage that though. That's why the tattoos? Yeah, well, yeah, they get pretty beat up. The tattoos camouflage that though. That's why the tattoos? Well, yeah, you couldn't really see the tattoos. Right, but I'm saying, is this why there's fucking tattoos in the world to cover up track marks? Well, I don't think so. That's not real.

But they're full. Is that a big one? Do you have any tattoos? No, I'm actively against tattoos. I really, I'm talking to the wrong guy. But that's cool. No, but it's, this is cool too. They don't offend me, right?

I think yours are actually kind of interesting. And also, you're a guy. I don't give a shit. No. But on women, I could live without tattoos. I just accept that it's something that, you know, just, it's like, but I feel like it's a trade-off for shaving pubic hair.

Like, you know, okay, but that one, they is a big improvement. I think it was better when they didn't have tattoos, but I also think if I had to trade that or the big bush, okay, shave your bush. Yeah, yeah. And then you find it, yeah, I'm never done. Be up to have it done too.

I'm okay. Are you cool with the little landing strip? I don't know why I was negotiating with myself on the station because nobody's asking me. But, this is so fucking cool. I'm so glad I do want to do this. I know you never do things like this. Yeah, I want to know.

Thank you. I met your buddy at this George Lopez golf tournament. Chris? Yes, Chris. Yes, producer. And I was like, when he had mentioned it, I was like, dude, I've been wanting to meet Bill for fucking ever. And I'm not your typical person that would be going on his show or like,

I'm probably never gonna meet this guy, but fuck, I wanna meet him. Oh. And it's a fucking, it's an honor, dude. We can have, thank you. We can have a small, wild motherfucker. I love it. Sorry, I love everything.

I'm just gonna fan boy out for a second. Please. There is nobody else on this planet like you. There just is not. They don't make them like that. And you bring me extreme fucking joy watching you say what nobody else will fucking say and and fucking and mean it and not give a fine fuck about it and dude to me that's how I jerk that's how I drive like I have so much respect for that man. I love it. You do not give a fuck. And but in a very intelligent way, and a very informative way,

like I just, man, you just, you cut right through the fucking bullshit. And I fucking adore that about you, man. And it's a fucking pleasure to be sitting in this room with you. I really, I have to get that out. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much for that.

You know, I'm going to give you my honest reaction to this forever. I've had this, you know, one thing in my portfolio that was difficult, which is like, I do something that is a little harder to understand than most things, because it's a hybrid. Is it an opinion news show? Yes, is it a comedy show? Yes. That's too much for a lot of people.

So people, it's not like I've had a charm career, and it made it for a charmed life. And I am feel, I hate that overused word blessed, but I have been, I had a talent that I could then, okay, so, but as far as like people like, when they write about you, or don't write about you at all, so there's that one part, it's like they would never give me an Emmy,

that kind of stuff, which I made my piece for the years ago. You can't have everything. You can't be what you just described by Am. And also be that, and I was like, that's fine, that's a trade-off, I'll make a million times over. But many times I've thought to myself,

but it would be nice if somebody somewhere, some writer, somebody could say what I would say about myself and I wish I think people really understand about me, but they never seemed to be able to get it, and you just did it. So finally somebody did it. Like if I wanted to pick a clip of somebody testimony to me, I would pick that clip above one

that anybody's ever said, and I have some big fans and great people and they've said some nice things, but you nailed it. Whoa, yeah. Wow. So, yeah, out of the mouths of babes. Oh, rock stars.

I mean, you know, when you meet somebody, or you watch somebody from afar, or whatever, you go, I know I've been really, I don't know, we have a lot in common, a lot of thought in common. We are going to party here again. I think just, we did, like, like I said, these cameras weren't always here. This is one reason I wanted to do this show,

is I wanted to meet people who are like, you know, in show business, when do people meet each other when they work? Yeah, this is technically work, but it's actually the exact thing we'd be doing if we weren't working. Yes, so we can do it. I love it.

No, I love it. I'll have a little party here one night. Oh, throw your name here. And then if I throw your name out there, William Schatner will come. Yeah. He's been here for parties. Oh, that's awesome. I love him. Oh, and he I bet you'd like to meet you. Yeah. That one. Do you want to meet him? You have a great party. Oh, that's cool, man. Yeah. I was looking hot wife. Yeah, yep, yep.

Boy, she was out there. I was like, Tommy Lee, boy. Still, Tommy Lee, I would thank God. You need your idols. You need your pussy, God. Yeah, it's funny because when I was, I brought you a gift, by the way. Really?

And I was taught, like I was talking about earlier, like you know when you see somebody, like let's just use you for an example, I'm like, I'll bet you, I'm here. I'll bet you, use me. I know we have a lot in common, and when I need this guy,

I have a feeling we're gonna end up being friends for a long time. We're already friends. Which is awesome. And then I thought, I'm gonna bring him a gift and then I wasn't sure, but I feel like that thing you just said is the gift. Whatever else you gave me, I'm sure I'll love it.

I mean, if it's a Roomba, it'll be very valuable here. The floor looks filthy. I mean, if it's wine, I don't drink wine, but I'll love pretend I do. And I mean, whatever it is, I'm sure you're gifted, right? But it's better than what you did. How that thing? It's a bonsai.

I've been working on this for a long time. Good second person to give me one of these in the last two weeks. Really? Yeah. Oh, wow. I was like, I wonder if he's even into it. And then I'm like, I'll bet you he is.

And then as soon as I walk back here through the landscape, I was like, I know he's in the plants. Well, I definitely, I know he smokes a lot of plants, but I do. I love it. Thank you so much. You're welcome. It's what I said stands.

The other thing was, I like the fucking plant, but the other thing I waited like 25 years for. I got it. I got it. I mean, the plant's awesome. The top. The top of the plant, but you know, the plant's awesome. I have to give up one. Yeah, here I'll it. I got it. I mean, the plant's awesome. The top. The top. But, you know, it's awesome.

I have to give up one. Yeah, here. I'll say. Again, I don't know why I am. Yeah. Yes. I imagine Airele negotiating with me. And I left you a little instructions here

so you don't kill the fucking thing. You wrote out instructions? Yeah. Oh. Tommy. See, you're Mr. Sensitivity. And the variety. But I've been working on that guy for a couple of years.

I think that's why you're a chick's love you musicians. It's because, like, yes, music is primal to begin with. But like, what musicians do is they, you know, the songs are saying things that, like like women want to hear, but normal guys, you know, just guys who work in the places, they don't say, you know, something in the way you move, you know, they don't, they don't, yeah, you know,

wider birds fall down from the sky every time you walk by. I don't know. Pollution. You have to fucking do that. That's so true. You know, they, you say the things that a woman wants to hear while you're beating something. And sweating. I mean, it's, it's, you got to come over.

I'm coming and going. But the sensitivity side, you know, I mean, I always thought there was a great funny sort of divide between like what musicians are singing and then what the reality of their life is, you know, they're singing, you know, you're three times a lady. Really, they're having sex with three ladies at a time. Right. Did you know that if you're an employer who's hiring, the average cost per hire is $4,700.

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at the MGM Grand in Vegas, my new home. There's no underestimating how important lyrics are to women. Oh, much more than to men. I mean, like way more way more way more way more way more. They know every fucking word. Yeah, right because the guys are like, oh, yeah, I think it kind of goes like, yeah, I'll spell. Yeah, like just a simple shit, you know?

Exactly. Yeah. No, it's like a tar in the drum. Yeah. Feel it in the air, or drum. I mean, look, I love a good, oh, you got it. Yeah, yeah, thanks.

I love a good lyric. It totally can make a song for me. Like, fantastic, though. I can, even though I've heard, and I know what the words are, I could hear them again and again, and it doesn't get boring. But it has to be a good song.

Yes. If the lyric is great and the song is not great, I'm sorry, I'm glad I heard your words good night. Yeah. It's, you gotta, you know. In, yeah, for me, it starts like, if sometimes I won't even get that far, like it starts earlier for me, if I, if the beat isn't moving me in some direction, whether it's, you know, a sway or something aggressive or something bouncy bouncy and sexist. It has to move me before I'll even give it

the fucking a chance sometimes. And it's frustrating because I won't give it a chance. If I'm like, ah, the music sucks. Why would I, why would I even hang out here to listen to what they have to say? Cause I've already, you already lost me. You never had me.

Right. So it starts earlier for me, but the lyrics are important. But you have that with the band that you keep coming back to. Yeah. You musically, you must have that. Yeah. And that's why you keep coming back together, even though you break up or whatever. Yeah, yeah. That's what or whatever. Yeah, yeah.

That's what it is. Yeah, absolutely. Man, that's kind of crazy. But as you get older, you must be like, people just get more tolerant and more like, oh, whatever we were fighting about, I don't give a fuck. Is that where you are with the band? Yeah.

When do you really still like... Well, we just tend to like... Is that where you were I went to Ben? Yeah. When do you really still like it? Well, we just tend to like, kind of do the job and take a piss, you know, kind of like what you do with things like we actually, we weren't just inspired by the rest of the world and things and places like anybody else. And there was this article that was like, how did Motley Crew ever not get canceled? How? That was the headline and we were like, fuck, we gotta write a song about that because we didn't ever get it. We snuck in under the whatever threshold wherever that was, where we got away with fucking murder.

Yeah, I mean, so... Because there's no uniform law, that's one thing that really bothers me about cancel culture. There's no uniform law. That's one thing that really bothers me about cancel culture. There's no uniform law about like who gets canceled and how hard. It just seems to be a lot about, well, we like them. Yeah. Yeah. Why haven't Martin Luther Rubin kept, well, we like them. You know that? It's just like it.

Oh, guys. It's just like the mean girls, just arbitrarily decide. We like them. Now we, you know, yeah, I just don't like, as someone who I thought of myself, as someone of a hard partier in the years, some like when I was, you know, late 20s into 30s and probably too far into 40s.

Yeah. But okay, but, you know, still drinking and going out to lots of places. And I mean, but even in my youngest years, I feel like I couldn't do it every night in a row. No. And it seems like you did it every night in a row. At that level, like when did you ever, when did you not be drunk?

Because if you drank that, I remember waking up drunk. Oh, no, I would make a huge glass of vodka and a little like an eyedropper of cranberry juice. Eyedropper of cranberry juice. And an eyedropper. Seriously? And an eyedropper. I would make that and put it on my nightstand so that when I woke up in the morning,

no, I wouldn't have to go to the refrigerator, go, I would wake up and drink, and it's like, dude. Oh my god, you fucking drunk. It's a fool. That's how, oh, that's how much I like the way alcohol makes me feel. It's fucking amazing. It's crazy. Start like in high school or?

Yeah, oh yeah. We have pre-high school. Pre-high school. Yeah, it's cool. It was like 13, I think I did acid. Oh, really? Yeah. I lived such a sheltered life.

Yeah, I grew up in, like, how old are you? I just turned it, it turned 60. Yeah. 60, oh God, you're doing so good. 60, oh well, welcome to the 60s. Yeah, thanks. You're gonna fucking hate it. Really?

No, no, I love it, but I mean like. It's fucking rad. Yeah, it's fine if you're still healthy. Yeah, it's just that it's much more likely that health might be a monster that is chasing you. I mean, it is a monster that's always chasing you. Sure, and you just gotta outrun it. And you said it, I watched one of your shows.

I think Kid Rock was on or something. He said, you were like, dude, we're all gonna fucking die. And I'm, that's literally my fucking, my mantra. Like, when I don't get upset about fucking anything because I really, I just, I'm like, dude, you know what, we're all gonna fucking die and none of this shit, none of this matters, none of it. What do you tell your kids?

Like, or did you tell your kids growing up like about religion and that kind of stuff? Did they, did you have a religion? Did you, I mean, they must have said, you know, other kids are going to church. If you didn't go to church, or if you went to a church, like, why do we go to a different one?

You know, kids are gonna ask questions about stupid shit that doesn't make sense to them. Yeah. I.e. religion. Yeah. Well, I don't know about religion, but when they ask what a Chinese basket is, and I tell them it's a plant hanger,

that's kind of how things would, you know, you know, Chinese basket with sex wings. Chinese basket is a sex swing? Yeah, they're like, Dad, what is that? And I didn't have an answer for it. And I was like, it's a plant hanger. And so I went and grabbed a plant and I put it in there. And this was a question about religion?

Well, when they asked questions, I don't know, but we never really talked about religion. Oh, frankly. If I had a Chinese basket and a kid who asked me what it was, I would say, that's a thing I fuck hot models off. And that's how you know there is a god. Yeah. He's bad. Hot models are. And kids, that's how you know there is a God. Yeah.

He's bad. Oh, dude. Yeah, we went from religious, but what did you, but what went, you didn't bring, bring them up in it. Did you ever go to church with kids? You ever go to church? No. Did you as a kid?

No. No? Not even as a kid? A few times as a kid. I was, I'm... No, you got off lucky. I was, I had to go every fucking Sunday. Yeah, I went for a little while.

My, my mom is quite religious. Greek orthodox. I was born in Greece. What's the difference between Greek orthodox and say, you know, a Piscopalian or... I have no fucking idea. Oh, but it's Jesus. Yeah, why is it? Is Greek Orthodox? Yes, absolutely.

Okay. But there's Eastern Orthodox, Greek Orthodox, you know, I mean, there's ever been to Jerusalem? To where? Jerusalem? No. Oh, quite a place. Is it?

Yeah, I always call it the funny hat capital of the world because like all the different sects, not, you know, there's of course Christianity and then the Muslims and the Jews are all in Jerusalem. They all think it's a holy city. But even within that, there's Greek Orthodox and like these different sects of, you know, and they each have like a little piece of the city that's their thing to tend to, you know, this is where Jesus' hands were.

And we give, that's trying we give to the Greek Orthodox. It's a way to keep the peace among, you know, don't steal my myth. This is my myth, bitch. Get your own myth. Okay, this is where the Jews rose out of the grave. And you know, the city, it's a fun house, mirror, a bet, a bet.

I mean, I watched that show you did, where you went all around and religious? Yeah. Jobs, because I was curious, because I'm like, again, he's gonna cut right through all the bullshit. And I really wanna hear what he says. And that was, that was.

So you don't think you deprived your kids of anything by giving them a religious upbringing? Because when I asked my mother that question in the beginning of religious, I said, why, you know, was she was Jewish? She didn't go to church with us. You know, I said, why, you know, what, she was Jewish, she didn't go to church with us. You know, I said, why, you know, why were you okay with like me being brought up in a religion that's, you know, I'm believing. And she said, well, I thought

you, I just thought it was important. You have some kind of structure. Hmm, that, that never crossed your mind with your kids or? No. We're a kid. No, because for some reason, man, I've just, I've always had a problem with believing in something that's, I just, not tangible. I can't see it.

I can't share it. I can't. Well, you know, like, you can't touch germs. You can't see them. I can't share it. I can't. Well, you know, like you can't touch germs. You can't see them. Yeah, you believe in them. Yeah, but I don't for some reason religions always know it's very different. I'm just saying, no, it's people are losing their minds over this no, it fucking fictitious right character like what exactly what is happening exactly I mean that is exactly what God is is a fictitious character. You know we know the Bible is an anthology we know it's it's many different books written over many different years by many different people. How are you supposed to latch on to some of that? You know, like, no, no.

Right. And they made, yeah, they made this car. Well, the, the New Testament, of course, the four gospels are telling the same story, but they're all different because it's their version of it. Uh-huh. You know, and only one of them is Jesus' powder at the end. You know, what a confused people. We've got eight different versions. Well, there's four different versions.

But like, on only one at the end, he says, Lord, why has thou forsaken me? That's kind of a big plot point to like either put in or leave out. Cause it's a little star warsie, you know, it's him and the dad and there's a lot of drama between those two. Oh my God. Jesus and his dad don't get him started, but you know, father, why has now forsaken me? It's very different than the other three,

which they don't, that didn't happen in there knowing. I mean, it's just crazy that, you know, they could differ and people still believe it. You know, it's a great, if you were putting this on trial in a courtroom, that would be a great thing to present as evidence that, well, your honor, the four stories don't match. Yeah, what are we gonna do about this? evidence that well, Your Honor, the four stories don't match. Yeah.

What are we going to do about this? We cross examine the witness. Do it. One of them says that he thinks God forsakes them, and the other ones don't. They didn't see it. You know, that would be awesome. You need to make that. Well, you know, it's funny. That would be awesome. You need to make that.

Well, it's funny you mentioned that people have said to me since that I can't believe I, that's 15 years ago, Religious came out. 2008. Was that 15 years though? It came out. Whoa. It was me. October 3rd, 2008.

That's my, my mother had died just like a year before. Or no, she died, I think that October. And people over the years have said, you know, why don't you do a religious too, you know, you could do the Hindus and the Buddhists. And I'm like, okay, first of all, they're not funny. That's not funny. I got to have some fun here.

Yeah, people don't know. I mean, this one was great because it hit a nerve. We did the Christians and the Jews and the Muslims. That's what people know in America and the world and blah, blah, blah. So I said, forget it. I will never do that. And the director, Larry Charles, he really

is my full partner in this. I can't direct him if he did Borat. He's a genius, Larry Charles. So I had dinner with him recently and I said, I always thought we shouldn't do religious to the Hindus, but somebody suggested to me, religious to, but the religion is, wokism.

too, but the religion is, um, wokeism. And I said, yeah, if we could just broaden it out a little of the religion, it's like politics is the new religion, you know, Q and on. Woke, wokeism is a religion, but so is Q and on and Trump is him. And I said, if we did religious too, but that was the religion, politics, the new religion. Oh, that'd be cool.

Don't you think? Yeah. Yeah, I think that'd be fun. For sure. I just wonder if like, I wanted... I think you could have some fun with that. I would imagine. Yeah, but I don't really want to like, you know,

work that hard. And I mean, for religious, we traveled. I know. You look like you were going all over the place. It looked like that. We were clever. We did, we had two long trips. We went to Israel.

But then it was England and Amsterdam. And yeah, look, a few other places. And then America, we went to a lot of different places. That was easier. But you know, I don't know if at this point in my life, I want to get my ass out of bed in the morning and like put on makeup and like, you know, just beyond location and away from my home. And you know, you get a little like, you know, just beyond location and away from my home.

And you know, you get a little comfortable, you know, when you're young, you don't care about comfort. I was, no, you're like, let's go. First time I went to Europe, I was 21, right out of college, you know, following my sweetheart at the time to a school in Switzerland, she worked at and it's like, oh, we can't be a part. So she got me a job at the school. It was teaching kids international school.

Offset. Yeah. And before we went, started the job, we spent like three weeks or a month going through Europe like backpack, basically, like youth hostels, Euro pass, you know, just like no money kind of trip. Yeah. And fine because you're 21. Yeah. You know, you don't need the comfort is comfort is just not your priority at that age. And then at our age, it becomes a very big

priority. I like to be comfortable. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, right? Yes. And at that age, you don't really know what comfort is yet for somebody to feel like.

Right. You know what I mean? I don't know. You just don't know yet. It's not like you'd never had something that was comfortable, but I don't know what you're up bringing was. Mine was like middle class.

Yep, same room. Yeah, I mean, we weren't rich at all. Yep, but we weren't poor. We weren't the... Yeah, we were the cheapest houses in town. But they were in bad houses, but there was a richer section of town. Of course.

That were slightly better houses. These were houses built right after World War II. They were like, my parents, when they bought the house, they never even saw the actual house. You saw a model. They were like throwing the little one. Oh, I remember that. Yeah, we got like, you got like 26A,

because it was, it wasn't that complicated. Yeah. Three small bedrooms, a living room, a dining room, a kitchen, a basement. Yeah. You know, the American Dream. What did you grow up? Um, Tommy, that's a little personal. Oh, fuck it.

Sorry, I didn't ask when. I said, where? New Jersey. Where? New Jersey. Where? New Jersey. New Jersey. I knew how to be... You can tell. New Jersey, yeah. Where did you grow up? Well, I born in Athens, Greece.

Right. Moved here when... To where? I was two. To... Covina? Oh, California. Yeah, Covina, California. To be here in California. Oh, my. Yeah, Covina, California. Say you're a California guy. Oh, pretty much all my life. Right. See, I was two.

I had a different California experience. I had California like as my savior. Like as my, you know, as I'm going to get back to Oz, you know. What do you think? Well, 27. Oh, OK. 40 years. I've been here 40 years. I guess I'm gonna get back to Oz, you know. What do you think? Well, 27. Oh, okay. 40 years, I've been here 40 years, moved here in 1983.

I had done three tonight shows. And so, you know, I was on my way. It's time to move to California. And get a little apartment on West Mountain Avenue. And it was like paradise. California after New York, which I've always found is a tough set for me. You vibe with certain cities, you know? Some, I mean, I love New York.

For a lot of reasons, it's my home turf, you know. Sure. New York teams, we were, I grew up in a suburb of New York. My father worked in the city every day. But I didn't get along with like, I don't like the weather, I didn't buildings, I don't like living in a building. You got to tell you, the women, I just did not get along with the women easily.

Very tough, the guys were so aggressive and so the women would shut down. You know, New Yorkers like, guys, hey, how you doing? On the street. Yeah, yeah. Hey, what, I can't smile? Can't smile for me? Hey, smile, what do you think of this smile? Hey, how you know, can I get. Yeah, yeah. Hey, what? I can't smile. Can't smile for me. Hey, smile.

What do you think of this smile? Hey, how you know? Can I get, like, I just want to talk. You know, they just, that, so women, of course, are like fucking aggressive. Right. So, like, I just didn't vibe. And then I came out here and I was like, oh,

it's a little more relaxed. Yes. Yes. That's, that's, that's awesome, man. You know what I'm saying? Yes. That's awesome, man. So you know, that's cool. I get it. New York is cool. I love California.

But for me, it's one of those places that it's like, it's like, I hate to compare it to fucking Las Vegas because they're completely opposite. But it's a place I can only stay for three days. That's my max. New York. New York. New York, right.

After three days, I just can't. Oh, I love it. But after three days, I go, okay, I gotta go. Because I can't, I can't. It's too and And fucking crazy. I feel roughly the same way. And I just want to say to New York, that is not an insult.

No, right. It's not an insult. It's just like some people, you know, vibe with your thing and some people don't. And why they take it very personally and because the media is in New York, you know? And it's like you kind of have to kiss New York ass first, like before, like, okay, then,

if you don't like kiss New York ass, it's like, first of all, you're just a crazy person because it's the greatest city in the world. I haven't heard. I mean, we stay at all the time. So it must be true. It's the greatest city for you. And God bless time. So it must be true. Oh, my God. It's the greatest city for you.

And God bless you. And it is a great city. I live there twice. I get what's great about New York. I like this better. It doesn't make me weird. I think you're weird. Yeah.

I mean, the things you put up with, I can't. I wouldn't even want to live in like a super great building because it's a fucking building. And I have to take an elevator to get home. That just doesn't, that's not me. Yeah. I grow up in the suburbs.

Maybe I'm spoiled, maybe I'm crazy good, then call me crazy. But I don't like to do that. I don't like to get in an elevator. I like to be able to walk outside, piss on my own land. Yeah. If I so choose, I get outside, piss on my own land. Yeah. If I so choose, I get you, man.

I get you. I got you. Sure, I'm sure. The next time I do piss outside, I'll probably hit a rock star who's fallen, and sleep in the gutter as your won't. I'm so glad gutter as if your wound. I'm so glad that you made it through the storm

with looking good, healthy. Yeah, because you could never backslide, not an ear age. Oh, well, yeah. And I'll tell you, like, 60s is a little different animal than the 50s. I feel like the 50s is like a much more of an extension of the 40s. Yeah, you can kind of get away with what you're, whatever you're getting away with in your 40s.

Yes. But like 60, better like, come on. Yeah, it's time. He better calm down. Time to fuck you calm down, bro. Just fucking calm down. Yeah, that's not me greedy. Yeah.

So your body is saved you. That's not me greedy. You had a good run. Yeah, yeah. Put the bottle down. Yeah, just sleep. Yeah, I had a good run. Yeah. Yeah. Put the bottle down. Yeah. Just sleep. Yeah.

Sleep, you know. Say some for the other folks. You. Come on. Well, that's more you. Uh. Oh, I have to tell you, before you go, or I forget this, it'll be amused by this, I hope.

Like, comedians, especially ones, I've done a monologue like every night or every week for 30 years. It's like so ingrained and you get submitted many monologue jokes. I'm sure you know by a team of writers, it's one thing like they do the lion share of that. I mean, writing monologue jokes, are my... Do you write with the other writers?

Because you... Don't you think that? We both do that. And there are parts of the show that I am more my own head writer. But I do read everything everybody writes. I don't have any filter. Got it. But like monologue jokes, like I don't sit there and crank out a monologue. You know, that's a real skill. It's like there's other skills we were talking about.

I'm kind of in awe because I don't know if I could do that. Jay Leno can. Jay Leno, during that last writer's strike in 2007, and Jay Leno definitely wrote a great monologue by himself every night. The writers were like, I don't know if I can do that monologue. That's not really exactly my thing. But I feel like I'm a very good editor and I know what the good jokes are.

And that's really part of the skill. So every once in a while, you do have sort of a moment of, I should have picked that one. It doesn't happen a lot. But there is one that's stuck in my mind for 26 years. And it's about you. Did the fuck. I swear to God, in 1997, I was submitted a joke

and I didn't do it. Brian Jacob's Myer wrote it, still with me. Great, amazing writer. So, sorry, Brian. This joke is 26 years late, but I told you I was gonna get to it. But you must have been split from Pam and then got back together,

and that was the story. Tom and Tommy and Pam, did that happen? Yeah, yeah. So Tommy and Pam back together, and they gave me statement and Pam, did that happen? Yeah, yeah. Okay, so Tommy and Pam back together, and they gave his statement and said, well, we just decided that we still respect each other and still love each other. Oh, my kidding, you've all seen his penis.

Oh, fuck. And I swear to God, I remember that for 26 years, because I wish I had done that joke. And you did, and did. I don't know why I had done that joke. And you didn't? I don't know why I didn't. Huh. That's interesting. Yeah.

You can always make it. You can always make it. You can always make it. You can always make it. You can always make it. You can always make it. You can always make it. You can always make it.

You can always make it. You can always make it. You can always make it. You can always make it. You can always make it. You can always make it. You can always make it. You can always make it. You can always make it. You can always make it. You can always make it. You know, I, it's sad, like, I can accept the fact that the 60s, my first year when I was like, cognizant of shit, you know, was a very long time ago.

But it just bothers me that the 90s, when I was a fully grown ass man, is also a long, long time ago. Yeah. I mean, the 90s is a long time ago, right? It feels like it. It is. I mean, the 90s is a long time ago, right? It feels like it. It is. I mean, like, what... We were... The country was completely different. Yeah. We were completely different, completely different.

Yeah. No, this is true. I mean, what's... Think about what you were doing. With this eight bottles of... Yeah. And that was what that that would be preef. I can't believe you survived that. Pre-

Well, yeah, that'd be pre-fucking internet and social media and stuff, right? Was that right when things were kind of starting with that? You must have had issues with your kids about that, like social media and fuck. What? Yeah, insane. Like what?

Insane. I mean, from the simplest things to the craziest things, like, you know, where they'd be like, I don't care, to take my picture and wait, where it fucking, you know, a picture that shows the gate at the airport, on our way to go guys, do not do that. Fucking be cute.

Cause at one point, we considered getting kidnapping insurance. What do I mean to laugh? But I, what's fucking like I'm in my life fucking, like, I'm in my, in my lifetime ever thought I'd be even having my conversation, but I was telling the kids, I'm like, you can't tell people where you're at. Somebody might want a fucking swoop you up. Yes, that's good advice.

And would you do for some brancers? But can I, I need to ask a question about kidnapping insurance? Like, in case I need somebody. But is it that if a loved one gets kidnapped, the insurance company then has to give you like the amount of money that the ransomers are asking for? That's what the insurance is for. It's not for you to go spend it. No, it's for ransom, yeah.

Yeah, that's not good. No, I was like, you can't give people your location. People, you know, you know, when I feel like it's great, some fucked up people out there, some of them, I decided to swoop you up. Like, I kind of say, one way I think you've been really abhorred, a lot of that is, I'm sure travel is great.

And I certainly did it a little bit in my life, but like these days, give me America. You know, with all its flaws, it is home. You know, I wouldn't want to get into trouble somewhere else. As bad as it can be in this country, it's still better because it's my country. Yes. And there's still a little decorum here

that lots of countries don't have. Ah, huh. I mean, it's a fucked up justice system, but it is a justice system. A lot of places don't think you even need one. Yeah. You know, people do not have perspective about America. Yeah.

I don't know why I'm yelling at you. No, take it easy, dude. Not my fault. And another thing, Tommy Lee, I don't know why you think you get off shitting on America like this. America's been pretty good to you, my Greek friend. Greek, I guess you're taking up the ass. We're men or men and sheep are scared.

Oh, dude. Oh, my God, you just reminded me of something. I read that you registered in hotels under the name Haywood, Jablomi. Yes, yes, that's one of the few aliases. Haywood, Jablomi. Now what do you tell your kids when they ask you about that? Well, they're just used to it. It was my mom. That's your parenting advice. It was my mom that had a fucking hard time with all of them. She's like, your mom? Yeah, she'd be dumb. What? Who is Clint Torres? And my Clint Torres, I'm like, that's me. Mom, I stayed in there under that name.

But she goes and what do you have to be, you know, there's been so many other ones. Clint Torres, Hey, would you blow me? Oh, I just, she would just always be bummed because she would, she would realize that she's calling to speak to her son, but she has to ask for some fucking jackass name. Like, you know.

Did you ever see him? Another one was Peter Gozinha. Well, who is Peter Gozinha? I was like, mom, that's my alias. I don't like this. Did you ever, did you ever see that, that clip? It was, it was a real clip of a news team, I think they were in San Francisco.

And they, somebody played a prank on them. It was right out of Ron Bergen to he reads whatever's on the teleprompter. When there was a crash of a Chinese plane and somebody put in the brook turn, the names of the four pilots. Oh no. The first one was we too low. Oh, I think I've seen that. That

person floating around. It was real. They really did it. That's why it was so great. Yeah. It was also historically funny. V bass. V bass. Yeah. I love in the happens where you get the fucking the weather chick is doing something and then like the cloud formation looks like a big dick going in or here. I love when that stuff just randomly happens. Beautiful. So you, so you give no quarter to the super sensitive ultra

woke people who would have objections to things like this. What's the question? I give no what? No. Ultra woke people who would have objections to things like this. What's the question? I give no what? No. No. No quarter. No quarter? Surely, Tommy Lee, you know that the third amendment

is about quartering soldiers. Quarter. When he say give no quarter, mean like give no protection, give no credence to. Oh, I knew I'd learn something here today. Fuck, right. I'm saying it's the way of saying, you give no respect to the super woke,

super sensitive who object to everything. I am hoping they annoy you as much as they annoy me. Yes, I just don't care. Good. I fucking don't care. Right. No, you're trust me. You are, you don't have to worry about this because you're right. The headline, why hasn't Motley Crew been canceled? The real headline is, you know, they can't be. If they haven't by now, it's a done deal.

We've accepted them. We've made it exception. We said, you could stay here in the condominium, even though you have a cat, which actually kind of pisses me off because now I want to even try harder. Right. It's almost an insult. I mean, yeah. Fuck.

You know, I'll get drunk and take pictures. So I'd dig and throw it up on the internet and that doesn't do anything either. So I guess I'm safe. But and you never did. I never did. No. So what does that mean?

There's a congee here. It's not as smudge as it is. No. I mean, get that for your time. I'm sorry. Enjoy the dog meat whiting. What? What the fuck at a time, too, is that?

No, what does that mean? The meaning of this is truth. Yeah. Yeah. Put, in our language, wasn't good enough for you. You come here to America from just like the Australians, the Greeks, invading America, taking good American jobs that American drummers could be doing. Yeah, I'm putting Japanese.

And then you turn around, you can't even spell it in English. So truth. Really, that's, so that is the character in what? Mandarin? Japanese. Or Japanese. Conjury. And why did you choose the Japanese? Are they especially truthful people?

No, that word. I mean, yes. But that word is just a bit really powerful word for me. It's just, I'm in conscious, in constant search for the truth. What is the truth? You know what I mean? Like, it's a big one for me. And I was like, I need that. Me too. I always thought, I mean, there's so many qualities in life that we wish we had all of,

you know, loyalty, you know, like, you know, you couldn't list great attributes. But at some point, you do understand for whatever reasons, evolution, revolution, there's a couple of things that are just your things. And for me, it was truth and freedom. Truth and freedom. Those are my two, like, you know, I can't really abide someone not being truthful. I don't hate them for it, but we can only be so friendly. If I think you're not real, and freedom, never getting married, that kind of stuff.

There's something about it. It's not about anybody else. It's about me, freedom. And that's not for everybody. I mean, like some people, yeah, freedom's a big one. That's the only big one. Yeah, not to say you can't be free in a marriage. Yeah, no. But it's harder.

Yes, yeah. You know, you're sharing. Well, also because if you're in any kind of relationship, the one thing above all, I think you want to be is considerate. And consider it comes from the word, you know, consider. So it really means that if you're in a relationship like every day, you always have to consider what this other person is doing, thinking, needing, feeling, not every minute of the day, you know?

They're at work, you're making waffle. You're sleeping it off, they're working, whatever it is. But that's a lot. I mean, I'm sure it's done it. I'm sure it's great, but like every day to consider, I feel like I can only get through my shit in a lot of days. Man, I hear you.

I hear you. I hear you. My, I would have this conversation all the time. My wife sleeps literally till 2 p.m. every day. I can beat that. And I think the record is 4.30. I'm like, babe, do you realize it's 4.30? Anyway, my point is, and I never sweat her about like,

you know, God, I wish we'd wake up a little earlier and we could do some more stuff together. I love that she sleeps till two, because I have, like you were saying, I have less to consider. You know, and I say that in a positive way, like I do what Tommy wants to do, till two o'clock, and then I'm ready to share the rest of my day.

Right, my day. I mean, there's no 24-7 like this. There's no fucking way I could do that. There's no crime to say that sharing is a form of expending energy. Yes. That sometimes I want to of expanding energy. Yes. That sometimes I want to harbor that energy. Quarter it. I get it.

I get it. I get it. So I feel about my energy. Don't fuck with them. Yeah. Any relationship, if it were with a B-friend, why would it work? It takes.

Yeah. Well, there you said the magic word that when people ask, why haven't you ever got married? I always say, because people say it's work. And I'm like, what are you doing? Why was this? I'm possibly an advertisement. I don't want to want other product.

I already fucking work. Whatever, what are the products? Would they advertise by like bragging about what work in it. Yeah. By our toast, are you? You think it's even a hook it up? Fuck. Oh. You made this simple toaster.

So complicated. You have to read directions and call somebody on a phone. They're always busy. Why would be like, why? I know. Yeah. I don't want that toaster. No. I want this toast.

Pop up on it. Oh, dude, my first house, I lived across this. What, what do you want? No, it just, it's just really beautiful like, I know. Beams of light cooking. I'm looking at that. It's almost like Jesus got here.

He's our next guest. You said, it's always on me. We're taping to it. You're out of here. You're great. But he is coming. I hate to keep Jesus waiting. But he looks awesome.

Is that like, Is that not really just training? If you didn't know that thing about the gospels and you know, in one of them, God for Father, why has now forsaken me? It's a whole different song for making this into a song, right? Now it's about, Dad, you weren't the dad, I thought you were. Right, it is.

You know, or why are you using me? You know, you created these people and they fucked up. And now you're sending me as a sacrifice. Right? That's the idea behind that. But why did the other three dudes not feel that way? They just cleaned it up, I guess.

Like Jesus, you know, Jesus just, he got over it. He was like, yeah, it hurts up here. But, you know what, I'm just not going to make a thing out of it. It's family. He did, but he thought was right for me. I get it. That's, you know, that's a very different story to tell. Also, why doesn't anybody know what happened to Jesus between like birth and when he was 30? What happened in those years? Oh, you know, we see the birth, of course, at the Magi.

Yeah. Three wise men. And then ghost town. Then we pick up the story when he's 30. What did happen? They made it up. I'm asking you like you know. I do know.

Scholars know. I know what scholars know. Oh, I've know. Scholars know. I know what scholars know. Good. I've read and watched there. There's an awesome, awesome, you should watch this. It's called, from Jesus to Christ. Whoa, what a cool title. From Jesus to Christ.

It's brilliant. It's probably, it's from the 90s. I think I had it on VHS, but I'm sure you can get it. It's biblical scholars, not religious people, but they study religion. And they're telling you how Christianity became the religion it was. I mean, it was for, you know, at its beginning almost snuffed out, and there were many other religions that started around the same time.

Why did this one become successful? That's what they're trying to answer. Oh, wow. How do you... I got to watch this. Yes, from Jesus to Christ. From Jesus to Christ. It's great. And all the scholars agree about certain things,

like the gospels, the Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, you know, they were all written well after Jesus died, you know. And that's the thing, the one where Jesus is prissy is the one that happened right after the temple was destroyed in 70 AD. So the Jews were, it was like they're 9-11. So that's why that was the mood of that story. Why have you forsaken me? Yeah, you know a lot about this stuff.

I love the... I mean, compared to a real scholar, no, I don't, but I just know what they know. And it is so interesting to me, like, how did, you know, that's a great question. How did this one religion, and trust me, there are lots of other gods working around that time. And by the way, they all had the birthday of December 25th.

Because that was the day after the three days after the winter stalsists. When they first saw that the sun was higher in the sky and the days were getting longer again. Because before that, they thought, oh no, life is ending and then, oh. Oh, God, no. So it was a feast day. Oh, wow. So that's why they gave it to Jesus. They gave it to all the gods.

You know, because it was like the big day that the pagans, they got it from the pagans. It's like life is continuing again. That's cool, that interest you that much. I just could, I was just telling you, I just, I don't know why I just never took interest in it because I couldn't, it's so interesting. I couldn't, and a pad experience is where, I woke up on my knees,

with tears running down my face, naked in front of a glass, in front of a glass sliding glass window, crying, woke up there and went, what's happening? What got me out of bed asleep to this window on my knees in the sunlight, crying. Like what, what, what, what, what, what did? What, what, I have no idea. So I mean, I've had these experiences where something is pulled on me or. You had no idea?

No clue? Zero. Wow. And I just, I did, and so that's why I think about, like when I think about religion, I just think like how, you know, whoever started it, you know, I don't know, that I think just in general, everybody's looking externally for something. And to believe in, to fucking dump on, to help, to, I don't know. And I just,

for me, I just find that so false. I don't, because everything you need is right here. You know, that's the part I just could never come to terms with, but I've had experiences that made me feel different, like, well, wait a second, what was that about? Because that was just a fucking random sleepwalking, fucking, I don't know, but I felt something, something that I've never felt before. So I've had, and I don't know what that is.

But you pulled a lucky life, right? Like if you're just an embryo, you're not a thing yet. Yeah. And like there's, you know, up there in heaven or whatever they're creating lives. And I'm like, you know, every once in a, you know, 29 million, we got a rock star. Right, you know, have fun. And he's good looking. And he's got a big deck. And it's like, like you pulled a good lot.

You know what I mean? So, don't you think that colors your view of, you know, like when people say that silly thing about everything happens for a reason, I always like to lecture them. That's something that affluent people can say. Everything happens for a reason. Because your life is interesting, and it's varied, and you go to different places, and things could happen. There's a lot of people who were born in poverty,

and they die in grinding poverty, and not a lot happens for a reason in their world. Yeah. I don't know why I felt that was necessary to pick it up. My chest, but what are we talking about? No. All right. All right.

I know you have to get to your big rock concert. Oh, yeah. But I can't tell you how dealed, much fun. I knew this would be, and you did not get to the point. Oh, that's one second. You gave me an amazing gift. And I'm going to let you go and release you back into the wild. But it was really great to know you.

Thank you, lady. It was a pleasure again. What a trip. Club. We'll do it. This is the first of many, because we're very young. Club. Brother. We'll do it. This is the first of many, because we're very young. Yes.

In spirit. Club.