Club Random with Bill Maher - Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random

Episode Date: May 11, 2025

Bill Maher sits down with Tony Hinchcliffe, the ringmaster behind the hit live podcast Kill Tony. Tony reminisces about his early days answering phones at the Comedy Store, how Mitzi Shore ruled the club, how talent coordinators silently decide careers, the jelly fish ghost in the Belly room, Tony’s Puerto Rico joke at the Trump rally and the social media blowback, doing stand-up in a parking lot during Covid, Austin’s comedy boom, Kid Rock’s ‘Southern White House”, why comics crave honesty, Bill’s brief detour into the history of Genghis Khan, and so much more.    Go to https://www.zbiotics.com/RANDOM and use RANDOM at checkout for 15% off any first time orders of ZBiotics probiotics Get started at https://www.factormeals.com/random50off and use code random50off to get 50 percent off plus FREE shipping Go to https://www.ffrf.us/freedom or text "CLUB" to 511511 and become a member today Go to https://www.RadioactiveMedia.com or text RANDOM at 511511 to save up to 50%, today! Follow Club Random on IG: @ClubRandomPodcast Follow Bill on IG: @BillMaher Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: ⁠⁠⁠https://bit.ly/ClubRandom⁠⁠⁠ Watch Club Random on YouTube: ⁠⁠⁠https://bit.ly/ClubRandomYouTube Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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and use code random 50 off to get 50% off plus free shipping on your first box. Yeah, I didn't want to say cause it sounds like name dropping. Okay. Who was it? Abraham Lincoln. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Club Random.

I mean, even though he's like the last guy I would have over here to Club Random, to like have a good time. That would really make it random. Club Random. Guest here. I'm here, hello. Play Swiped Up.

How's it going, my man? How are you? Good, so nice to meet you. Tony. Tony Hinchcliffe, Wilmar. A pleasure to meet you. Oh, the insult comic, I can feel the barbs coming. Should I not sit in the front row?

No, you're safe, you're safe. I'm in the front row, am I gonna get spritzed with the comic barbs? You're not gonna ask me where I'm from? No, no crowd work on you. No, come on, do some crowd work. Ask me where I'm from. Where are you from? New Jersey.

Come on. There's a slow pitch down the middle of the plate, bro. New Jersey. That is a real, that is a shithole, indeed. Well, come on, you could do better than that. A shithole, isn't that what you're famous for? I like to feel the people and know them a little bit better than just straight up.

Oh, ask me what I do. Woof. And then I say nothing and you say, how do you know when you're done? And then tip your waitress. That's it. So you came up through the clubs, right? Yes. So in the clubs? you came up through the clubs, right? Yes.

Still in the clubs? Yep, started at the Comedy Store, literally 18 years ago yesterday. My mom texts me every year on May 6th and reminds me. I forget she texts me, happy anniversary. How does she know that? You just tell her everything? Well, no, I told her that early on

and she marked the calendar and she found it to be so interesting. My adventure into comedy and the whole Mitzi Shore thing. Moms are obsessed with finding out about, at least my mom found it so intriguing that there was such a powerful, diabolical, cool-ass woman that existed. She was all those things? Yeah. She was cool? Uh-huh.

I never knew Mitzi. I mean, I auditioned, like, I was an improv act out here. Not that you couldn't do both, but I was just not her type of act. She went for the more, like, shall we say, theatrical, usually. Not all of them. Letterman worked there. He certainly was a dry monologist. Leno. But I felt like when I was there, and I go there now just for fun every once in a while. I think it's great. I actually heard you were there on quite the magical night, laying low, you were sitting back and it just so happened, I don't even know if you know this story.

I don't. It just so happened to be the night that the new brand spanking new, that day, talent coordinator took over, which is a big deal. I think the last time they had a new booker slash talent coordinator there was eight or 10 or something years ago. And, or actually it was five years ago. And so it happened, and somehow, coincidentally, on that night, a comedian or whoever was supposed to go up wasn't there,

and there was a young lady who we all know, Nicole Buchanan, sitting in the back of the room, who wasn't a paid regular, and the new talent coordinator, who everybody's loved forever, but she was just a bartender and she worked her way up to being the booker, the trusted tastemaker of the store, got Nicole Buchanan to go on stage and you watched,

I don't even know if you know this, you watched a young lady that was so funny that everybody knows and loves become a paid regular right in front of you that night. I certainly remember, I don't remember the names. But I do remember this highlight of the night was a woman comic. I mean, it often is, by the way, when I go there.

I'm not that the guys aren't funny, too, but I don't know, I just think they, this person was a scream. And I did not know that story. She's great, and I've known her forever. She came up in the little roast battle world. It's the one I'm thinking of. Yeah, it is and That's funny you said that a talent coordinator when I started in New York the MC was the talent coordinator

They were there was no talent coordinator thing. They they you know, basically deputized one of the comedians It's that was the plum job because then you weren't fighting City Hall. Otherwise you were fighting City Hall. You could either fight City Hall or be City Hall. If you were the emcee, also got paid $50. The comics got cab fare. $50 a night, wow. So yeah, that was it.

And then that's the person who like made all the decisions. You go on then, you go on after him. You know, it was it and then that's the person who like made all the decisions you go on then you go on after him You know It was a you know, you could you I don't remember anybody being corrupt about it But it was certainly someone's personal taste but then again, of course it always is you know, yeah, I mean is that your that's so memory of of starting out at the comedy show, you thought it was fair or you thought it was like... When I got to the comedy store, it was a very interesting time because obviously Mitzi Shore

was really sick. She had already had Parkinson's for 15 or 20 years or something. Oh really? Yeah, but she would come in and watch showcases, and most importantly, she would call all the time. And I took on the job of being the phones guy at the Comedy Store when I got there. So I would work from, you know, like 11 a.m. to 7 p.m. answering the phones, which back then, because the Comedy Store didn't have a website

until very recently, that's how they sold tickets before people would come in. They'd call and they'd go, is there a show going on there? What do you guys sell, props or something? Like people didn't know what a Comedy Store was, a lot of people. Right. And so I would answer the phone and tell them,

oh yeah, it's a great show. I was often lying about how great the shows were back then because it was kind of a dark time in 2007. But then all of a sudden, you know, the phone would ring just like it would for a normal human calling to plan their trip a week out. And it would be, oh hey, is Tommy there? What are you doing?

Is there a lot of calls coming in? It's just this. And as a store guy, I mean, your heart would flutter and it was just because famously she would fire people if she didn't like your tone, your voice, anything. She was famous for firing people on the spot. I mean, some people are hearing this and they're like, who the fuck are they talking about?

But certainly within the comic community, she's legendary. The way Sue Mengers, not everybody knows who that is, but she was the first powerful woman agent. And famous enough that they did a Broadway show about her. Bette Midler played her. Do you know? Oh yeah, I don't know what it was called, like Come to Lunch or something.

I used to go over her house all the time. I mean, I was lucky. She just was a fan and invited me and she'd have the most amazing dinner parties with like, whoever, she could just summon whoever it was. So it was like some of the new guard, you know, it'd be like, you know, Daniel Craig, fresh from the latest James Bond with Sidney Poitier and Joan Collins.

So Mitzi I feel like is similar in the comic world, and somebody should do a movie about her. It sounds like she's almost better as a character. Yeah, totally. I mean, that's something we've always, comedy store guys have always dreamed of and it's a hell of a, I mean the actual truth of her story is more amazing than. And she's Pauly Shore's mother. Yeah.

Right, people know Pauly Shore. Exactly, which is interesting because most people start with that. They go, that's Pauly Shore's mom. And it's like, yeah, but it's funny. And her husband was Sammy Shore who was also a comic. Yep. Not like a big comic, but it's funny. And her husband was Sammy Sher, who was also a comic. Yep. Not like a big comic, but not a failure.

Right. I mean, club comic. Yep. I think respected among his peers. Yep. You know, one of those types who isn't that so much a Morty Gunty and other not really household names, but the comics know them.

And some people know them. I don't know if Shecky Green, I don't think is as famous as Buddy Hackett. But as a comic, I don't see a huge difference. Since they're both dead, I can speak freely. So yeah, so Paulie grew up in the cavernous attics of the comedy store, the haunted, but it's haunted, right, the comedy store? Yeah, so Paulie grew up in the cavernous attics of the comedy store, the haunted,

but it's haunted, right, the comedy store? Yeah, yeah, that's what they say. You believe that? Have you ever seen chairs move? I hate that I have, but I did see a little something one time, it was the crazy, I hate that I saw it because it makes you sound crazy. Just always tell the truth. Yeah.

That's my thing. I always just, you know, they got mad at me for telling the truth about the Trump dinner. It was like, we should tell the truth. And people were, so just tell the truth. You know, I understand your apprehension because it's like, well, then people say, I'm this moron who believes in ghosts.

Look, I ain't a moron and no one thinks I am. And I'm the first to say, I don't know if I believe in ghosts, but I know so many people who are not crazy people, they're not religious and they weren't drunk, they swear to me, and they saw something that is just, for black and white, a better word, some sort of ghost or spirit. So what is your story? I had been there. I have not.

Yeah, I hadn't either. Like I said, it's one of those wacky things where you're like, you've got to be fucking kidding me. And it hits you differently than you think it would when it happens. And I don't even know. Maybe it wasn't. It could have been anything. But it's funny because everybody, especially when you work there, especially when you work there all day and all night like I was when I got there

at 22 years old. The whole first year or so, I was looking for one and hoping to see one, you know, I'm not stoned every night, looking around the corners, feeling creeped out. I'd be the one that shut off the lights in the rooms and you'd be looking and you didn't see anything. And then one day, middle of the damn day,

sun blazing, it's like one, two, three p.m., somewhere in there, and I took a break from the phones to go smoke a cigarette, so you have to walk down a hall and through the dark belly room, because all those lights are off during the day. And when I broke the pathway into the belly room, there was just a weird feeling that happened and then this human height looking jellyfish like vibrating kind of see

through but like it's kind of I don't even know how to describe kind of jellyfish-esque just this weird blob. A ghost. Yeah, it certainly seemed like it, I know. Beating around the book. I know, I know, it drives me crazy. Look, if it happened to Abbot and Costello, I believe it, if it happened to the Bowery boys, it could happen to anybody. Yeah, here's the crazy part of the story, is I didn't tell anybody, you ready for this? This is where shit gets weird.

I didn't tell anybody at all, because I didn't want anybody thinking, oh, Tony's high or nuts or almost passed out or whatever. No, no, not at that time. Even if you were, I gotta say, and this wouldn't hold up in court, but the truth is different than what holds up in court. The truth is, I don't know, yes,

I guess when I was 19 and I got high for the first few months and it was just almost an out of body experience, but I've been smoking for 50 years. I could be high. Exactly. And I still don't see ghosts. Yep.

I'm not close, I wish I could get that high. Yep, same. I'm at 22 years of smoking pot every day. Right. Yep. So if you say, even if you were high, I still don't think it would make you see a ghost. I mean, it doesn't make us hallucinate.

Exactly. Exactly. So how long were you there in the room with the ghost? Oh, I'd say probably five to ten seconds. You froze? I froze and then I walked away. You would think you would run, but you don't feel like running. But it did stay there the whole time. It didn't go first.

It didn't go first. Well, that says something about the ghost. It looked like it was, there wasn't like a face to it or anything, but it looked like the way it moved, it seemed like it was surprised to see me as I was to see it. I'm sure, well, yeah, I'm sure it was. I mean, no, it's not going to have a face. It's not Robert Downey. It's on a rom-com.

It's a ghost. But the belly room, which you referenced there, by the way, that's for people who don't know the comedy store. It has three rooms, but the main room, which is like the big room, and then the original room, which is a smaller room, but also the same comics play, and it's all good comedy. And then the upstairs, the belly room, which was the room for women comics. So what's the ghost doing hanging out

in the women's locker room? Exactly. So I walk away, and I don't tell anybody. This is where shit gets crazy is later that night. The house piano player of 35 years or whatever, Jeff Scott is we always had a tradition where right before we open the doors, because I would switch from being a phone guy to the front door guy at 7.30 or whatever, we'd set up the chairs, he would set up his keyboard

and everything and get the room right, then we'd have the room right, and then we'd go smoke a bowl, we'd come back to the original room and open the doors. And I'd see people and he'd be playing the fucking ragtime on the piano. So this is where things get interesting. The exact same day that I saw whatever the hell I saw,

we're going to smoke, he's walking ahead of me, he walks through the bar, we're going to the back to Sacred Ground, that little alleyway. He gets ahead of me because I'm saying hi to a waitress in the bar area and then by the time I'm almost to that door, he's walking by me now this direction, like he had seen a ghost. And I go, Jeff, what, where are you going? We're smoking.

He goes, whoa, and he snaps out of it. And he goes, dude, I just saw something crazy. I go, what did you see? And I'm fucking tripping in my head because I literally am going, please don't fucking say a white kind of blobby jellyfish looking thing. Well, actually it's better if it's just one ghost.

Yeah. Was it? It was. So it was the same ghost. Same exact thing, except this time it was outside and it moved how he said that my thing moved. It was kind of like, yeah. Yeah, I mean, look, the other thing it could be

is an alien. I mean, again, I get the inclination to go, oh, please, that people might be thinking or that we might be thinking about ourselves, but I'm sorry, like I say, I've just heard this too many times from people, and there's just nothing wrong with saying, I don't fucking know.

And the alien theory also, there's nothing unscientific about the possibility that there is other life in the universe or that such life has been monitoring us or that such life is already among us. I always say everything that happens in movies, that happens in real life. You know, the premise of, what's the big one where they're all Will Smith and men in black?

Men in black, yeah. You know, it's not like that. But could it be? Yes. Why wouldn't it be? And the problem with talking about this stuff, especially with someone like you who is, I don't know if you should tell me I'm very curious

your your reputation now is a right is a right winger because You did the Trump rally and told the Puerto Rico joke, which is a great joke You know, yeah, it was in the mix. It's a whole fucking conundrum You would love you would love to know the story because you would really understand it from a comedian's perspective like I'm going there to kind of you know ten to Do this thing about how you know free speech this and that and make those kinds of jokes, but I had a whole

thing written and planned, you know to go into the teleprompter. And that Puerto Rico joke was actually a joke that I had done a bunch in my standup, and it's part of a bigger joke with more front end and a longer back end. Like what, I'm curious. Well, it was basically you know, basically, basically at the end of the normal joke,

I go, you know, I'm talking about the problems in the world. Right. And I go, and I don't know if you guys know this, but there's a floating island of garbage in the middle of the ocean right now. Yeah, I think it's called Puerto Rico. Yeah. And the point of the joke is that people picture,

obviously, in my mind, obviously, the great Pacific garbage patch. Of course, it's the classic misdirection. Yes, which I'm obsessed with, by the way. I can't believe nobody ever talks about the fact that there's an island of plastic as big as Texas. Oh, I do. Yeah, yeah.

On my show. It's wild, right? Oh, I did a whole fucking thing. And the fucking, it's in the fish, it's in our sushi, which means it's in the rest. No, I've said it here also, if there's anything that's gonna get us, they could possibly fix a lot of the air pollution

because there are new strategies and technologies that are coming online. I can't describe them to you, but basically ways to clean up. But the ocean, no. They don't have that at all. And they don't have a way, apparently, to get off plastic that you can sell to the people.

I think they'd die before they gave it up. And they don't have a way to get it out of us, really. That one worries me more than air pollution. More than anything is plastic. But no, there's no doubt it's insulting to Puerto Ricans, but I have been over the same territory. I mean, I don't think I would do exactly that joke, but I certainly have done many that have been objected to.

And my thing was always, you know what? Everybody has to accept in the framework of comedy, insults. And they're never fair. When we do a joke about the French surrendering, they did surrender to the Nazis. It's not like they are really more cowardly than anybody else. They planned badly and they built something called the Maginot Line to keep out the Nazis after World War I, but they forgot to build it all the way to the ocean. Nazis just went around it.

It wasn't cowardly, cowardice, it was stupidity. Polish people are not especially dumber than anybody else, but they got that. Supermodels don't always throw up. But you know, and that's the thing, is like the jokes, are they fair? They're not. And we all just kind of have to suck it up

for the sake of comedy. That would be my defense. I totally agree. Luckily the Puerto Ricans, and I knew this going into it, and I knew it at the last second when I was doing it at I knew it at the last second when I was doing it at 2.30 in the afternoon which was another terrible problem. If there's one thing I was upset about. That was in the afternoon that rally?

Well it was supposed it started in the afternoon and it was supposed to go to the evening. When I got there I go when am I going up in this thing and they go you're up first. Can you imagine? Oh you opened for the Trump rally. I going up in this thing? And they go, you're up first. Can you imagine? Oh, you opened for the Trump rally. I went up after the goddamn national anthem. But did you do it because you're a supporter of Trump or just because it's an opportunity and a paycheck? Was it a paycheck? No, it wasn't a paycheck.

I did it literally to hopefully get some, hopefully, if only 10,000, not to mention 100,000, maybe 200, if we're lucky, actual people to vote for him. Yeah. Oh, so you did want people to vote for Trump? Yes, without a doubt. Okay. I think he gets a weird, weird, weird rap

in this world, man. And, you know. We're gonna have to break off on that point. Let's face it, after a night with drinks, I don't bounce back the next day like I used to and I hate to waste a day, so I had to make a choice. I can either have a great night or a great next day. That is until I found pre-alcohol.

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above your competitors and it's more cost-effective than social media alone. My friends at Radioactive Media know the recipe to launch, optimize, and scale performance by building compelling audio campaigns which work. For advertisers who want to reach the right audience with the right hosts and programs, you need to speak with Radioactive Media. Text random to 511-511. They believe in the power of audio so much, they even use it themselves right here, right now.

Go to RadioactiveMedia.com or text the word random to 511-511. Discover how audio marketing can surpass your current strategies with new and innovative ways that sound better. Go to RadioActiveMedia.com or text random to 511-511. Text random to 511-511 today. Message and data rates may apply. No, no. You know my thing. I talk to everybody. And it's okay that we disagree on that. I

just didn't really know until this moment that that's... I thought maybe you just were doing it for a gig and because you believe in free speech but you're not really a Trumper. But, you know, I mean, I always say you can be against Trump and not hate half the people in the country who like him. I mean, you can't write them off. This is the controversy I just went through when I had dinner with them to some, you know, very kind of woke people who always hated me for because they're so woke and I just

have no patience for those people. And I do think I won that one because people understand. Especially since I went right back to my job of doing what I've always done, which is criticizing him as much as I did before. It's not like I was taken in by him, but I was gonna be honest.

And also I think it's great to have an open dialogue no matter who it is. And it's just so pointlessly illogical to think, as the Democrats, some of them do, that if you have no power, which they have, you lost everything. You fucking lost everything. And now you're also not gonna talk to the people

who have the power. And Trump is the kind of guy, I knew this even before I went there, but I certainly was confirmed, he's the kind of guy who everything is personal relationships. You know, much more than say a guy like Obama, who was very logical and all business and like, I don't think anybody felt like they were really close to Obama, personal, maybe like Valerie Jarrett or some people around him, but like not other politicians. He wanted to be friendly with everybody. But that's not like, this guy's different.

He comes from real estate and he comes from business and New York. So the idea that you think you're gonna do better by screaming, running out of the room, I'm not talking to you is just so bizarre to me. Yeah, who did he do that to? What? I didn't see that. Who did he do that to? Do what to?

Run out of the room saying I'm not gonna talk to you. They're saying that to him, about him. The people who are criticizing me. You're exactly right. And I find that to talk to you. They're saying that to him, about him. The people who are criticizing me. You're exactly right. And I find that to be a very. How could he have gone to the dinner? Gone to the dinner? It's dinner at the White House.

How could you not? Exactly. Again, it would be different if I came out wearing the red hat. Yeah. It's like, okay, somehow this succubus, you know, put his snake tongue down my throat and now I'm, ah. But that's not what happened.

And they just can't quite give it up, some of them. Oh, I think that is a quality that is across the boards to the far left. They are absolutists in the way of, if you show any, any respect to the president of the United States and Let's not forget. He's also a former president of the United States So it was a guy that like, you know when I was going in to do that that rally the goal You know, it wasn't it wasn't just to swing a few

You know Thousand votes hopefully of of whoever listens to my podcast or whoever liked my silly performance on the Tom Brady roast or whatever. It was also to fucking have the president go, that was cool, thanks man, that's awesome. I liked your set, you got the crowd going. Which by the way I did, of course that room

isn't mic'd for the comedy show. No, he didn't. I didn't get to talk to him that day. Tony, you must feel so bad about that. You go and you're for him and you're working for him and you like him and me, nothing but vitriol for 10 years and I get the invite. Isn't it wild? But I said this when I did the piece on it, when I go back, the best moment to me was when I brought in a list of 56 different insults he has said about me.

I had it printed on a piece of paper and he signed it. And it's on my wall. So cool. And it will always be one of the coolest artifacts in the, and it's just, you know, but here's my question that I'm fascinated about, because like certain, I wanna know if the comic community is different than the actorly community,

because the actorly community, the actors in this town, I won't mention any names, and there are certain, I'm sure there are people who deviate, but generally, it is the epicenter of wokeness. And you know, I love show people, but I always say I'm in show business, I'm not really of it. There is a difference.

Oh yeah. And they just, you know, they're full on in, let's say, on everything. They just, you know, they're full on in, let's say, on everything. So if you deviate from there, it's hard to find your place at a dinner. No one would invite you out. I mean, you know, the right-wing types, even Clint Eastwood, who was a Republican,

but not that far, I mean, because he's Clint Eastwood, I'm sure people would still have him over, but there's just, I mean, they are just very clubby about the politics. What I wanna know is does that pertain in the comedy world? Like, because you're a Trumper, I'm sure most of the comics are not. Do they treat you differently?

Are you in any way ostracized because of that? So here's what happened is I moved to Texas during the pandemic when they triple closed everything in California and there was no indoor shows and I went and did a show outdoors at the Magic Castle performing to people in cars where the cars had to be six feet apart from one another. I swear to fucking God. The cars were gonna give it to each other?

I swear to fucking God. Oh man, that was a terrible disease. Oh, Bill, and they gave people these clapper things, these little New Year's Eve noisemaker shaky things. I like how you honk your horn when you like it. I'm surprised they actually didn't think of that. But they gave people these noisemakers and they would hold them out their windows

and it would go clack clack clack clack. Your car has a noisemaker built into it that sounds like a horn. It's called the horn. Yeah. It's crazy. But even still, I mean, funny, I, for six months, when the horrible Forever Flu happened, I did the monologue right over there.

We had this room was all, the pool table was gone, everything. This was the studio where I did that. Then I did the editorial out there sitting on the lawn. I mean, we did the show here for six months. You know, some ways it made you more creative, but it was to do a monologue here. I wanted to keep the show as close to what it really was. I put on a suit and tie like I always had,

and we had funny cutaways to old audiences laughing, which was, people loved that bit. And we had a laugh track, you know, I would do the joke here and then they would play. And I got through it, but I used to just walk out of after the taping, and of course I live next door, so I'd walk home and it'd be like, I'm so depressed. Because usually after the show, there's a walk home and be like, I'm so depressed. Like, cause usually after the show,

there's a little party and blah blah, and then I was just like in the silence of my house, and oh yes, we can't go out, and it was just like, and look, there are diseases in the world that I think might merit that, that are that dangerous, I just never thought it was that one. Exactly, 100% with you. So not only was I doing these stupid outdoor shows,

but just like you were saying, I'm the only person I think that I know that has a weekly live show in front of a live audience for 12 years every single week. So what we had to do, because I do a show where I pull a comedian's name out of the bucket, they do a minute of standup, and then I interview them. So we ended up, oh, you wanna talk about fucking depressing.

We ended up having people send in their minute sets, they're in their living room trying to do stand-up comedy We had no live track no recorded audience sound So we're watching people do their sets and then we would zoom with them for the interview part So how's it going? Well, not much anything happened and just been in my house playing video. Every interview was the same Everything was the same for six eight whatever months during this thing. We had no live audiences whatsoever, especially when you're used to that every single week, like I'm sure you were. It's just, you go through the craziest withdrawals. So when I went and

visited Texas and they fucking have them indoors and the place is packed and there's no separation, I'm like, what the hell? And I, my day- I had the same experience going to Florida. Yeah. The first set I did when they led us. And it was like, oh my God. This is, I remember what freedom felt like.

Exactly. And the day, I joke you not, and this is the thing, because I would argue that we're more center than left or right. I think you'd probably be shocked to know how I, at least from my perception, centrist we are. I've been watching you for my whole life, by the way. My mom always made sure we had HBO, even though I was raised poor. So I kinda get you, and it's crazy

that I'm considered a right winger, or that Rogan is or that Elon is. I'm sorry, but anybody who is a Trumper, it's a different mindset that he'd have to be extremely different to get me over there. And he knows that I mean a lot of this stuff is just way too Insane and too far out there and again talking about a third term. This stuff is just intolerable I think he's goofing around when he talks to me He's I think he knows how to joke a little that was my editorial two weeks ago Like once it starts out as a joke and it's not a joke in a certain

joke. Like once it starts out as a joke and it's not a joke at a certain point. He's not going to go for a third term. Well, he finally said he's not going to, but. This podcast is brought to you by Aura. Imagine waking up to find your bank account drained, bills for loans you never took out, a warrant for your arrest, all because someone committed a crime in your name. It sounds like a nightmare, but for millions of people each year, it's reality. By the time you get that breach notification email, the damage is done.

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to 511-511. Text fees may apply. I have way too much free time. Said no one ever. Work, appointments, club, bus, family, friends, another club, another bus, more family, more friends. Baby life is non-stop and trying to find a new place on top of all of that is completely overwhelming. That's where apartments.com comes in. If you want to make time for the things you love but you still need to find your next home, apartments.com has tools to make your home search so much easier and it's all on one site. With 3D virtual tours to get a peek at a rental listing,

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So, you know, we don't have to argue, but the ways you could do it. And I said, no, there are not. And that's what they got mad at me that I was honest about the fact that he just, you can have a conversation with him like that and it doesn't explode into, he is some kind of Jekyll and Hyde

because if you did that during a press conference, you're a disgusting person. And he would just go into that other guy If you did that during a press conference, he'd be like, you're a disgusting person. Well, yeah. And he would just go into that other guy. And that guy just, you know, and they're so mad at me for like pointing this out. Like, I'm just pointing it out. You do without what you will.

I'm just pointing it out. Of course. I'm not saying it, I'm not even giving an opinion on it, really. I'm just saying that. That's what my line was. I went into the, went down into the mine. This is what I found down there.

Now you make your judgment what you want to do with that. Yeah. Yeah. I find it all so interesting. It's, it's wild. You said Doge was a disaster. What do you mean by that? He said we're going to save $2 trillion.

By their best accounting, it's a minuscule percentage of the budget, like $150 billion, and it didn't even work. The budget, the deficit, it's all worse than ever. They're at some point going to have to deal with that. What we pay on interest on the debt now is the second highest thing we spend money on. The only other thing we spend more money on is Social Security. It's more than Medicare. It's more than defense. It's a trillion dollars just to service the debt, just to give banks money for loaning us money and how long can that last and They're not making it better. He's not fixing that

Look, it's a wild his superpower is that he can turn on a dime and Change his policy on anything and because it's a cult They will just follow him. So tomorrow he could change any of these policies and he's done it a million times with people, he throws them out, invites them back in, you know, I love you, you're the greatest, you're the worst terrible person and And, you know, so, do I love that kind of unpredictability? No, but the possibility that,

even if it's a slim one, that he could, you know, say, you know what, Republicans need to tax the rich. I ran on helping the common man and I'm gonna do it. I don't think he's gonna do it, because they never do do it, but he could do it. I mean, this is a guy who just last week said, kids, you don't need 30 dolls. I'm done, I need two dolls, two fucking dolls.

By the way, what kid even plays with dolls anymore? And then he says pencils, pencils. I can't remember the last decade. I even owned a pencil. A pencil? For what? But like, you don't need 30 pencils, you need five. You need two dolls and five pencils. I mean, and I cannot imagine another political leader being able to get away with telling people, fuck you, you think you're middle class? You're the working poor with a house full of crap.

That's what you are, and you don't need all that crap. But you know, when you got the cult leader status, boy, I mean, it is amazing what you can get away with. Yeah. I think a lot of people look at it as a tactic, kind of. For example, when he came in the first time and guns a blazing, tough on immigration, build a wall, build a wall, build a wall, build a wall,

and people don't want to come in. This time he's flying people back to places and all this. I think he knows that he's publicly doing things to kind of lower the bar of people that are willing to illegally immigrate. Things like that, for an example. He knows what he's kind of publicly doing to play. Well, what he's doing is working. Yeah. As far as stopping people from coming in. Yeah.

If you ask me, it's not worth the price. It's not worth the price of suspending the Constitution of the United States, which says you can't just take people off the street and put them in a foreign prison. That is just insane. But if the message is, you know what? You always had a free ride. If you thought you could come here, the worst that was going to happen is, oh, all bets are off, go back.

No, you didn't make it. That's the worst that could happen. Probably you're just gonna stay here. His message is, well, no. If you come here and we catch you, it might be worse for you. And that is a deterrent. And it is working.

The number of people. Every action has a reaction. Biden went so fucking stupidly far toward a pretty much come one, come all, just walk right in policy. And they have to own that to a degree. Again, I do not support what Trump is doing. But I get where it comes from. Action-reaction. If you go that far, almost to your point you were asking me a minute

ago about who's more right or left. If you go that far left, what do you expect? You are going to get people who come in and go that far right. So in a way, and if you don't win the election, that's what's going to happen. So Democrats have a lot of looking in the mirror to do. No doubt. I find it all very interesting and move it, like I was saying, oh, so let's just go back to the question. But nobody shuns you. I was just going to get to that, which is, you know, since I moved to Texas.

Oh, because you're since I moved to Texas. Oh, because you're not in LA. Exactly. But you're in LA sometimes. Sometimes. But what I've learned is that, especially after the rally election debacle and everything, is that the farther left,

even though they don't make it their identity or maybe talk about it on stage or whatever, the farther left people. Comedians really, you know, they'll just talk shit on a podcast or they'll pretend like, you know, me and Rogan and everybody in Austin's a bunch of Nazis and all. You just have to agree with everything they say, or you're not part of the club and all this crap. Meanwhile, again, you know, it's like we're all pot smoking, pro-choice, if you're gonna call us far right,

crazy people, you have to realize we're all formally registered Democrat voters, and so is Rogan, and so is Elon, and so is Trump. All these people are famously old Democrats. Okay, but that's not where we are now. They're not Democrats now. And I understand why the Democratic Party gives them the heebie-jeebies.

That's different than being all in on Trump, which they are. But see, I have to believe that the comic community is just better than the actorly community. Oh, without a doubt. Because our business is calling out bullshit. And so it's just harder to be so doctrinaire about your politics. It just is.

I'm not saying that most of us comics didn't vote the Democratic Party. Yes, but there's just more of a, if you're going to really do what we do and we do what we do best and call shit out and keep it real, which is what gets the good laughs, the good nutritious laughs, not the cheap laughs, you're going to be having to call out some stuff on the left, even if it's not specifically political. It's just the leftist kind of thinking and that kind of stuff, because they are as crazy in their own way. They're just not as dangerous. You mean the left is not as dangerous?

The left is not as dangerous. I would say that they are. That's an interesting one, because it seems like the right-wingers are You mean the left is in test interest? The left is not as dangerous. Because they still believe... I would say that they are. That's an interesting one. I know. Because it seems like the right wingers are the ones with the guns and this and that. It feels that way. But I mean, all of a sudden, the last couple of years, I'm looking at who the mass shooters

are and this and that. And it is creepily... I'm talking about our way of life, which is governed by the type of government we have. And they are still constitutionalists and institutionalists. Now have they nibbled at the edges? Yes. Have they invited? As always, like we were saying with the other thing, there's always an invited backlash

when you go too far. So did Joe Biden do things that were imperial presidency things? Yes, of course he did. He said in his own words something like, you know, well, the Supreme Court said I couldn't give student loans, but I'll find a way. You know, okay, that's not nearly what Trump is doing, but it invites that kind of argument from the right which says, you know what, they all do it, and by, yeah, you know what, that's the problem. If you move a little bit here,

Trump's gonna go, oh, well, I'll, oh, but King me, I'll just jump over you and go 10 steps further and worse. And so that's where we are. But yeah, I don't think they are equally dangerous because one side really would like an autocracy. They really don't want to have to deal with the left wing at all.

They think the left wing is such an existential threat to our way of life that it would actually be better to be an autocracy than to be a democracy where they might win. And I would be very surprised if the next election is one that will just go smoothly. It only goes smoothly like the last one when they win. When they win, it goes smoothly.

When they lose, it's a shit show because they don't accept election results. Nothing is more important to me than that. You have to accept election results. That's the basis of everything and they're not there. Yeah. You have no thoughts about the fact that perhaps because, you know, it was a lockdown and everything, that extra viewers from both sides could be in the voting areas and stuff. You're still saying the 2020 election was not fair? Because even his own security team said

it was fair. A lot of Republicans have. I mean that's a dead horse that you got to stop beating. No, I'm not saying that. I'm not saying that I think that. But there were a lot of votes that didn't vote this year and those votes were for the left. Well, he ran three times. He lost one and won two. That's pretty good. And you just gotta be, you know, just be cool about it.

I used to do a bit in my act about, you know, you ever watch the end of a football game? Okay, what happens? These coaches, these coaches whose whole life is football, they have no life except for Bill Belichick who's fucking a 24 year old. He changed it up completely and I give him all the props in the world.

But otherwise, coaches have no life. So when they lose the game, it's like the worst thing in the world. But what do they do? They put on a face and they walk across the field and they stick out their hand and they said, good game Andy. Good luck next week against the Packers. That's what a man does. You don't say, I never lost, I could never lose, until they get their head wrapped around that. But it doesn't

even matter. I'm much more concerned about what's going happen in 2028. And, you know, look, it could very well be he does step aside and that he lets Vance and Rubio fight it out because it looks like he's setting them up to be the two heirs. And then they run against Pete Buttigieg or whoever. And lots of things could happen there and Vance whoever could be the next and absolutely could happen or what could happen is that Buddha judge wins and they just don't accept it and that I can't accept.

I think it's a very Trump-esque thing specifically specifically him, to not want to acknowledge or admit a loss. I wouldn't say that's a... That's possible. I wouldn't say that's a... That is possible. Yeah, I wouldn't say that that's a trait of... Possible and it's also possible that Trumpism, that's part of it. And his crowd wouldn't accept.

I mean, look, Mike Pence is like persona non grata in the Republican party because he did the right thing. Yeah, he's a doofus though. I mean, I agree with whatever. He did the right thing. He did do the right thing by admitting that the election results were the election results. They were.

Right, but Pence is a doofus maximus. Oh, of course. And my point is, is whoever. You think I'd like Mike Pence? Right, of course. No, but like is a doofus maximus. Oh, of course. My point is, is whoever. You think I'd like Mike Pence? Right, of course. No, but like. JD Vance. But I do like Mike Pence.

I mean, even though he's like the last guy I would have over here to club random, to like have a good time. That would really make it random. You'd have to go all caps on random of Mike Pence's fuckin' dance. I would love to sit here and smoke, and blow pot smoke in Mike Pence's face.

That would be awesome But You know, you know that he won't he's so religious that he won't What is it that he won't do he won't be in a room with a woman who isn't his wife Unless the wife is there too. Oh, oh, that's a psycho. Oh That's a guy that can't control Yeah, that's a psycho. Oh, that's a guy that can't control himself. That's wild. Well, as if he needs the security of his wife there, otherwise, I mean, these chicks would

be up on Mike Pence's jock. They'd be like blowing him on the dance floor. Are you kidding? Yeah. No. Yeah. I mean, that's who Mike Pence is. Mike Pence, he's a Christian, super duper.

I mean, that was always what he was. He was the governor of Indiana and a very conservative state, conservative guy, white hair. I always said he looks like the pilot in the airline video they show the flight. Have you gotten to meet JD Vance? No, never met JD. I gotta tell ya, all that I know about him is that this guy's a badass

because when my stuff was going down that week, Trump wasn't, he was kinda off rallies, he was off, he was just laying low for a bit. And JD Vance was taking the questions. He was out there kind of doing little rallies and taking questions from the people. And every single day, and trust me, I was watching like a hawk and we get sent the clips or whatever, whatever just happened. They would ask them, what do you think about the racist comments from the speaker? They were calling me everything but a comedian.

They could not say the word comedian, which I think really, I think it really backfired. And when I was at the inauguration and everything, trust me, they were all high-fiving me and kissing my ass. Of course, at the inauguration. But they look at it like it was a massive part. They look at me doing what I did and accidentally, right?

Couldn't have been planned. Accidentally being the news for nine goddamn days during an election week. Oh, stop pretending you don't love it. It put you on a different level. It definitely did. Don't try to sell me that you're suffering from this. But during the, not at all, but during the time, it was very stressful.

Yes, of course. Just like my thing with the dinner was, It was stressful, but you know what? I didn't mind it because it was like, you know what? First of all, most of the people I'm hearing from are like, thank God for you and what you're doing. Even the liberals, you know, it's like they got it. And also, it's, you know, it's just, I'd rather, you know, I'd rather live on,

when is this, it's been die standing, than live on my knees. Absolutely. Just like, you know, it's what, one of the great compensating things about being a comedian is that that's what we do get to do, is to speak our mind. And very few people have that luxury. I mean, God, talk to a publicist for any star.

They can't, they don't want them to say anything, anything. Because anything is potentially, I mean, Justin Timberlake once apologized for complimenting a black singer. I can't remember who it was. It was a cultural appropriation. It was like, I'm so sorry, I'll do better. What's the problem?

You say you like Otis Reddy, whatever the fuck it was. It was so ridiculous. So publishers like, just don't speak. Just don't speak. And you see it on talk shows. You know, like they play games with them. Like, let's play Tiddlywinks. And if you lose, I throw play games with them. Like, let's play Tiddlywinks and if you lose,

I throw water in your face. Great, I don't know if they're gonna say what I think about Gaza. You know, and we do. And you know, there is somewhat of a price to pay sometimes and you could fall off the ledge, you know. But I don't know, the ability to speak your mind priceless. Absolutely, absolutely. And I rode that wave, the ability to speak your mind priceless. Absolutely.

Absolutely. And I rode that wave, but my point is, is JD Vance that entire week, he was taking these questions from the press like that. What are your thoughts about the racist comments? And he would nail it every time, day after day. What did he say? First of all, it's a comedian. I don't know why you're calling him a speaker.

He was a comedian defending free speech and where has our sense of humor gone? How do you not know that was a joke? That's clearly a joke. Maybe it wasn't the right time or place. Maybe I'm not even saying, like he was just taking the questions like he was a comedian. Like he understood the perspective of the mission. And common sense. If you ever get a gig where you're playing to a left-wing crowd,

I have a way you could do this joke and slightly change it and it would still work. But think of some island where like only like rich white people go. So you know there's an up offloading island of garbage. It's called the Bahamas. It's called Cayman Islands. You will be lifted out on their shoulders. I am actually doing an entirely left-wing audience tonight. What? Yeah, because I'm performing at the entirely left-wing audience tonight.

What? Yeah, because I'm performing at the comedy store here in LA. Oh. And will you be greeted by any sort of backlashy, sort of like, oh, he's on tonight, or will they be like, he's a comic and that trumps Trump? They won't know until I'm up there because I'm a secret unannounced pop-in but I will feel it from 20% of the room.

Assuredly the girlfriends of the excited boyfriend is gonna be like that and there's always a few just angry. They can't wait to show me. Because they can't hide there. When I stopped doing The Road last year, but like, for so many years I would see somebody in the front row, and it was Indara who was like this, arms folded, like stone face.

And it was just invariably the husband of a woman who loved me. Liberal woman loved me and dragged the husband. And I let it go for as long as I could in the show. And then I would just talk to the guy. And I would just point out, I know, you're the big tough guy, you're the conservative, you're the tough people and yet you let your wife drag you to a show

you didn't wanna go to. I do the exact same thing and reverse it and I go and I go and here you are stuck watching me cause you were too insecure to let your man go out tonight without you because you think he'll fuck somebody else and one day he will. No, I got a better way to make him feel worse.

You're so worried your man is gonna go out and fuck somebody else, nobody wants to fuck your man. You can stop worrying, sweetheart. This is not an issue that's gonna come up. Oh, he'll flirt, but no one will take him up on the office. So let him go. Let him fly. Free bird.

It's fun when you see those people out there. It makes me, when I'm performing, and I'll see it and I'll ignore it, and I'll see it and I'll ignore it, and I'll keep going, and the whole time I'll ignore it and I'll see it and I'll ignore it and I'll keep going and the whole time I'll glance back, right? Then I bet you would too when it happens to you and you're trying to break them, right?

You're trying to see maybe this one will get them, right? The angry face person to break. And we don't fight, if you get them to break, which happens a lot, you know, cause eventually they can't help themselves, right? That's the great thing about comedy. And even now, right, I'm kind of leaning into this whole you think I'm a racist thing, but I'm just obsessed with different cultures.

I love stereotypes. This is kind of the theme of currently the stuff that I'm working on, is I'm actually leaning farther into this type of thing where I'm saying, what I love about America is that we can all laugh at each other. Like black people do this and Asians are bad at this. So now I'm really going for it. And it's so funny because they'll hold strong on the things that affect them. Of course. But then all of a sudden you're into something that doesn't affect them or they don't have

an Asian friend or they don't have a black friend or they don't have this. And you find the thing that they agree with and they crack and they do. People that try to have a bad time, people that try to not get comedy or find something purposefully find something unfunny. Those are the most rewarding ones to get that laugh from. Well, I got great advice when I started, when I was complaining about a shitty crowd once. And a great comedian said to me,

that's why they're here, because they're not in a good mood. They came here for the medicine of laughter, and you're the doctor saying, what the fuck are you doing in my office when you're sick? Yeah, that's interesting. Yeah, that's why I'm in your office, because I'm sick, and I need what you can heal me with.

So why are you mad at me? Wow, do you remember who told you that? Yeah, I didn't want to say because it sounds like name dropping. Okay. Who was it? Abraham Lincoln. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. So tonight you're going on the Comedy Store? Yeah.

I'm going to do some secret pop-ins tonight and tomorrow and doing an arena in Anaheim on Friday. Yeah, you got a big thing going on. It's fun, right? It really is. It's a blast, man. Actually, 17 years ago, I was sleeping in the back seat of my car behind the Comedy Store.

I used to park up on the hill, work my shifts that I was telling you about, and then you'd walk up the hill, because I didn't even have the right to park in that little parking lot yet. So I'd walk up the hill, go get my car, pull it down, and then pull it all the way behind the comedy store, get in the backseat, sleep in the fetal position, wake up at 7, 8 a.m. or whatever, go shower in the main room, green room, and then go work the phones again, trying to write jokes. You're so lucky that you had that experience, because everything that comes after is you're able to enjoy it because it wasn't handed to you. If it's handed to you, you can't ever really enjoy it.

I'm so glad I'm not a NEPO baby. I mean, I know NEPO babies, they're not any worse than us. They're not, but they're also not, you know, it's just, stop telling, it's like trans women and biological women. Stop telling me we're the same thing. Right.

Not a bad thing, but just tell me we're the exact same thing. Because it just is easier to be a nepo baby in this business. This business, first of all, if you're an internet outlet, a magazine, any place, anything with publicity, what do you want to cover more? Joe Schmo or Big Star's Child, which is a better story? Yeah. How's Johnny Depp's kid doing? Right.

How's Bob Schmohawk's kid doing? Right. And I'm not picking on her, and she's a fine actress, and they're all good, and blah, blah. Very often, they're very good because it is in their blood. Just the way athletes, which is completely different because you actually have to be good. But a lot of kids who were fathers, were pro players

are good because they hung around the stadium. So by the time they get to the stadium, it's not like, oh my God, I'm in the stadium. It's like, yeah, I grew up here. What's the big deal? Yeah. Yeah, and dad taught me how to hit. Yeah.

And dad was Ron Carew. Yeah. Or whoever, you know. Yeah, where I grew up in Youngstown, Ohio, a very, very, at the time, dangerous. But the most dangerous neighborhood in America is Appalachia. Where's that?

What do you mean? The city? The place? It's not a city. Yeah, like in the mountains? What do you mean? Jesus, didn't you go to high school? Yeah.

Appalachia is a region of the country. I think it stretches across eight different states. It's where the hillbillies live. You ever see Winter's Bone? Mm-mm. No? You should. Yeah.

You'll love it, being a hillbilly. Check it out. It's Jennifer Lawrence's first movie. It's an indie movie, but it's about Appalachia, which is, I mean, it goes through Tennessee, West Virginia, Kentucky, coal miners' daughter, have you ever heard of that? Redderlin, butchers holler, a holler, what's a holler?

It's a place where people live, like it's like a ghetto for fucking rednecks. Okay. That's the most dangerous place. Because they don't take to revenuers in there and government people. And they got their own law and their own shit going on in there.

And really, law enforcement does not have to fucking mess with these people. I mean, they mess much more with the inner city than they mess with Appalachia. And like Winter's Bone, just an amazing movie, does not have a false note in it. And I say that as someone who would not know what a false note was.

Yeah. Because I'm very far from Appalachia. Yeah. And yet I somehow know it doesn't. You're, where, so you're originally from New Jersey and then you came straight here? Not straight here, I mean I went to college in upstate New York and then went, after college, went to New York City,

which is where the comedy clubs were. The Comedy Store was certainly out here, but I wasn't ready for out here because that's where you went after you were ready to do Johnny Carson. So, you know, there were three clubs, the three big clubs were the Improv, Catcher Rising Star, and the Comedy Store.

It was also then the Comedy Cellar, which I know is still thriving. So you did as many sets as you could every night. On the weekends you could do six. You could do three in the early show and three in the late show. You were always running to a cab to get you downtown, so you could go run in right off the street sweating

to do your show at the Comedy Cellar. It was crazy. That's how Austin is now. What? There's... Austin has that much of a comedy scene? Dude, there's eight comedy clubs within like a few blocks of each other, so it's not even cabs and rushing.

You can literally walk it. You can tell the person there, I got this. So Rogan has one, that must be the granddaddy club, right? Yeah, and it has two rooms with two shows a night. So you could do four shows at that one club alone. Holy shit. Yeah. And you do?

Yeah, sometimes. Really, still? Yeah. Oh, jeez. Even if it's only just one joke or one line that I'm really excited about, I'll do a whole set just to be able to figure out where to slide that in.

I feel like when I really felt like I was good was when I made the decree to my agents or whoever was doing this, I will never do more than one show a night. Yeah. You know, because sometimes they offer that like, oh, we can sell two shows. Right. Sorry, I always hated the second show.

When you're doing the same jokes. Right. I got bored of my act just doing one show a night, even just over the weekend. One reason I, well, I'm saying it's a reason I stopped doing it, but one thing I will not miss about the road is I would basically go every other weekend out. And I would, it was such a easy thing.

I'd take my own plane, I'd go to fuckin' Cincinnati or wherever, do a show, Friday night, stay over in that city, fly to the next city the next day, do the show show and fly right home. I was only out of my bed one night. It was the cushiest way to do a show. I still really didn't like the fact that on the first night, my act wasn't enough in my head. So I wasn't saying it as good as I possibly could. Totally. And the second night I was bored with it. Right. There was like no middle.

Yeah, yeah. No, you're spot-on. That's exactly, exactly how I feel. And yeah, they try to, they, I'm at an interesting place now because it was always forever. It was comedy clubs, two shows on Friday, two shows on Saturday, and it was good. Did you ever repeat the same joke in the, in the? Oh, of course. Oh, are you kidding me? Oh, you mean, oh, you mean in the second set? In the same show.

Thinking that you, or not remembering. Thinking you hadn't done it in that show. Honestly, and I can't believe I haven't, this is an unbelievable fun fact, is that I haven't. There has an unbelievable fun fact is that I haven't. There has been two, three, four times all time, and I'm talking about hundreds of road sets in which I've gone, I didn't already do that, did I? Or have I, or in the setup, have I?

You said that out loud? Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, well you would know. Which is basically the same. Because they would not laugh the second time. Right, exactly. And then they would look at you like, you fucking fraud. But then again, I also...

You fucking phony. There's also a part of me when I'm on the set up and they're kind of giggling and I'm wondering if I already did it. That's the worst. Yes. Because it's like the two orbs of your brain. The one half is saying, no, this is the logical half.

I know I didn't do this joke because we're going by this order. This is why we're doing it in this order. And the other half of your brain is going, ah, I think we did this in this show. And you're wondering, I'm wondering if they're laughing because I did it and they think I'm doing it again in order to just be funny, right?

No, I did it once. They don't laugh. Right. They look at you like you're an asshole, which you are. And again, I smoke a lot of marijuana, and so you just don't know. Well, that's why, you know, when you do more than one show, you have to have a specific order.

You can't, you don't have the freedom to fuck around. Like, I love the idea, I always loved in stand-up the idea of, I have a structure, but I can like go away from it. But then I always come back to it. It's like being out in space on one of those space walks. And it's great out here in space. But because they're gonna pull you in

unless a space storm happens like it does in every movie where they do it, they get marooned out there. But then Sandra Bullock somehow winds up back on Earth. I mean, that was amazing, right? Terrible ending. Really? No.

Oh, because. But it's funny you mention that, because literally I had my weekly, bi-weekly talk with my agents today, and they're like, and yeah, we'll be doing these shows before you get ready for your special taping in a few months, so here's what we're gonna do, da da da da da da da da, and if these sell good, we'll add another show, and I go, no, no, no, no, no.

Good for you. We're not doing another show. I know you guys want me to do another show, getting 10% sitting on your same ass that you would back at home looking at the ocean waves, but I'm the one that has to do the goddamn show. There's no chance.

And so, and I literally, what's funny is I literally, this was only two hours ago, I literally said, I think I burnt out all my stem cells in my body doing all those grinding shows when I was younger, because I just find it so exhausting. And it's also, there's just more energy. I don't think there's been a scientific study on what we do at all really, but I think the higher the expectations of the crowd,

right, that watches you every week, that's going, I don't ever go out, but I bought a ticket for this. I worked an extra shift this week to be able to get this ticket. And you feel that, you feel that. It's not the old days where I'm going. I love that.

I mean, I love, if I had to summarize what I loved the most about doing Stand Up on the Road, it's they want me to do something that they feel only I can do for them, and then I do it for them. That's it. Because there's so many choices. I'm not saying they never buy a ticket to another comedian, but there are a limited number of...

You know, most people don't go to a lot of comedy shows in a year. So you're probably one of their one or two or three favorite comics. So you obviously do something that tickles them in a way that others don't. And they want to get that from you. And I love being the hero. I love delivering.

And that's, I think, what I miss most about The Road. But I was very surprised this year, being home all the time. I don't miss it. Because people don't understand, it's such a maintenance factor to have an act. I mean, I had my show. I don't even count this podcast, because I knew zero preparation for this, obviously. maintenance factor to have an act. I mean, I had my show. I don't even count this podcast

because I knew zero preparation for this, obviously. I just show up and get high, which is great, which is a whole different thing. But an act, you need to maintain. I compare it to playing the cello. You can't just pick it up three weeks after you didn't play it. It's an everyday kind of, it's a mistress.

And you've got to feed her, and if you're Bill Belichick, give her all the deeds to your property. I've been defending Bill Belichick in the green room of the mothership. Sweetheart, I am Bill Belichick. I'm Bill Belichick without the nine Super Bowl rings. Yeah, people in the green room have been talking shit about him going, this girl's running his whole everything. I go, what are you guys, what, what, what, first of all,

you don't know what you're talking about. Second of all, it's proof that they were in the right, that the camera was pointed at her strangely during this interview, right? Right. They knew what the fuck they were doing. I go, we're here in Texas, we hate the mainstream media and meanwhile we're going, oh man, CBS exposed the fact that Belichick's being controlled. When have we ever agreed, when have we ever

not thought they were up to something shady? And then I said, what was up with that reverse camera shot right on her? And then they started to like, oh, okay. But it's so true, man. It's like everyone wants to see, I call it my Game of Thrones theory. When Game of Thrones came out and became the biggest show in the world back in the day, I think people started a thing in their heads where they wanted to see kings fall. Because they were.

Once every couple of weeks or months or whatever on that show, you were watching a new person gain the Iron Throne or this or that, and we want to build them up. Really? That's what happened on that show? You didn't watch it? I, it's I should've, I'm sure. I watched the first season, and I watched the last season. Oh, that's an interesting little sandwich.

You know what, my problem is dragons. I'm not a fantasy guy. Like, I'm a, I was a history major. So the history part of it, the part that looked like an actual medieval kingdom, I loved. And I could tell you about medieval kingdoms till you fell asleep.

I really could. It wouldn't take long. I know. So that I like, but once you bring in the dragons, I'm kinda like, I just can't hang with dragons. I'm with you 100%. Only they have been able to do it correctly for me. Yeah, I like the last season.

I mean, it was, and I especially appreciated the last episode, which was a tribute to Shakespeare, lost on the critics, I must say. 100%, that's another thing I get in arguments about all the time. I defend that last season of Game of Thrones to the tooth and nail. Well, you know, it was too brutal.

I mean, you know, you have to kill tyrants, is what Shakespeare was saying in Julius Caesar. And it was very bad. And I just don't think the modern audience gave a shit about any of that. It was like, does the handsome guy get to fuck the blonde English chick? You know, I mean, I don't know.

But it was, look, I'm always thrilled when HBO has a huge hit because it only helps me. Totally. You know, I mean, the show ends and it's so, and don't forget this week on real time 100% Bill Mares Fucking egghead that like I'll say it again. I was raised super poor But somehow my mom always made sure I think it's cuz my dad used to visit once in a while to watch Boxing matches cuz boom boom mancini, a famous old boxer,

is also from Youngstown. And so. Oh, he was from Youngstown? Yeah. Okay. So I think she only did it so that he would hang out sometimes once in a great while. But when you say very poor, what are you talking about?

Were you eating Cheez-Its from a dog bowl? Oh, not that poor. That would, I mean, first of all, Cheez-Its aren't the cheapest thing. I know you might not know. You've been making it for a while. No, I was poor. I was very poor.

I was very poor from 18 to 27. Like college, I mean, I didn't think of it as poor because we were at college, but like, I look back, I'm like, are you kidding? I lived in fucking slums. They were slums. Ithaca, New York was like Appalachia, by the way. Appalachia, even though it's not officially part of Appalachia, yeah, Ithaca, New York,

if you take away Cornell University, it's Appalachia. It's like fucking hillbillies. Very rural, very out in the country, very Trump country. I'm not equating the two necessarily. Okay, but like. You know being a Trump-er isn't, what you're calling a Trump-er isn't that crazy. I mean he did win the popular vote.

That doesn't mean it's not crazy. That does not, those two things are not okay. Right. That's fine. Look, you've been talking to me for what, an hour and a half? Do I seem like a guy who hates you because you're a... No, and I'm the same way.

And I never will be. That's why I think you're, believe it or not, a centrist. I am, whatever you're gonna say, I am. I think you're... Oh, I am. Yeah, I am. And I think I am too, believe it or not. Well, I am center left.

To me, a Trumper is far right. There are old school Republicans, they are hiding right now, but they do exist. That's center right. Trump is different. But we already went over that. What were you just talking about? It was so interesting to me. What was it?

Oh, I had HBO when I was younger. Oh yeah, so you were poor. Like tell me what constitutes poor for you. And then I'm gonna tell you what constitutes poor for me. Because I was poor when I was in Ithaca. Poor when I moved to New York City, really poor. It wasn't until I moved here, where I had the cheapest apartment you could get,

but because it was California, your standard of living was so much higher. There was a bird outside your window instead of a bus. Mic drop. Yeah. On California. Yeah, mine was a different, I was a different kind of poor when I first moved here,

which was fucking looking for goddamn nickels and quarters on the ground and picking up every job I could. There was even a period of- How often do you find a nickel on the ground? Back then it was more often because they actually used coins back then. It's like pencils.

I know, exactly. Pencils, nickels. But yeah, I was raised pretty poor. My mom made sure that I went to, believe it or not, it's impossible to sound poor while saying that you went to the private school in town. But I did go to the private school in town. She forced my dad, they were never married,

they were in separate things, it's a whole crazy ass story. But she made sure that my dad contributed enough by getting her work running numbers, being a bookie in town. Yeah. So that she was able to put me through a private school, make sure that I always had a decent pair of shoes and HBO. So it's the wildest thing.

That's all you need. That's all. Shoes and HBO. I swear to God, those were the two things I had that all my buddies had. It's not TV, it's footwear. That's right. But man, it was a game changer for me.

The comedy specials absolutely 100% contributed. My last one was the best. Have you seen my last one? No. Oh, I'm not gonna watch yours till you watch mine. Okay, deal. Why didn't you watch my last one? I. Oh, I'm not gonna watch yours till you watch mine. Okay, deal. Why didn't you watch my last one? I don't watch anybody's specials.

I like seeing them live. I can relate to that. I see enough people live to where I like waiting. But you would like my last one. Oh, I'm positive I would. Again, I'm not kissing your ass. I've been a fan forever. I mean, all my initial politics

and everything of anything about politics was through you. I don't want to like pat myself on the back and say no one else could do this. But I do want to ask the question, why can't anyone else do this? I just don't see that many, I would say that many people. Like just talking to somebody else who, yes, may be a Trumper, and just not seeing them as this monster

who you can't talk to. I mean, and I'm not gonna convince you, and you're not gonna convince me, and we just accept that. Yeah. And I know what their answer is, which is like, how can you? These people are doing A, B, and C, and I'm like, I know what their answer is, which is like, how can you? These people are doing A, B, and C. And I'm like, you know what?

I can't disagree with that. I don't agree with A, B, and C, especially if A is disappearing people and B is, you know, not listening to judges and blah, blah, blah. But okay, we tried the, we're superior to you, you're deplorable, we're not talking to you, in fact, we can't have dinner with you because you're so, we tried that method. We tried the, I'm in the Oval Office, but I'm putting the folders in front of my face

because I can't be seen with this person. I can't, I'm like, they'll never guess where we are. Right, crazy. The gold won't give it away. Crazy. We tried that. And maybe that has very little success. My method has a very little success,

but that one has zero. Yeah, no doubt about it. That one has zero chance of success. My method has a very little success, but that one has zero. Yeah, no doubt about it. That one has zero chance of success. And again, I feel like your people, they feel very slighted. They feel like they were called deplorables. You don't wanna even have dinner with us. I mean, there's no question about it.

The mainstream media, which was, you know, obviously very defensive of the left, really did it to themselves. I mean, calling people Nazis, people calling me a speaker when you know damn well. I'm a Nazi. Nareigh Davidson, I'm a Nazi. He did? Well, he said I had dinner with Hitler. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, how?

And by the way, and I think literally when we say we do it to themselves, how dare anyone call Trump Hitler? That is such an insult to the Jewish people. That's exactly what I said when I did an interview about it. It's like, among other things. First of all, when you, as soon as you play the Hitler card, you've kind of lost the argument unless you're really dealing with Hitler, which yes, we're not. But agreed. Like it is quite insulting to the ones that Hitler, I mean Hitler, I keep calling him the goat of evil. He's the goat. You know, you can't, don't try to, you know,

don't answer that conversation like, who was better than Michael Jordan? Okay, it's Hitler, all right? Hitler's Michael Jordan of evil. All right, LeBron's great, it's different. Six rings, six million people dead And you know, it's just like stop it. Yep. There's different areas of it. Genghis Khan was the Wilt Chamberlain Genghis Khan I don't think people give Genghis Khan enough credit for as much of a mass murderer as he was and

also a mass spreader of semen they estimate that something like 11% of as he was, and also a mass spreader of semen. They estimate that something like 11% of people may have, like in Eurasia, may have Genghis Khan blood. Wow. Yes, absolutely. He made up for all the people he mercilessly killed by fucking endlessly and impregnating so many people.

So you know, I mean, you you gotta balance the good with the bad. I mean, either the sperm sample cup is half full or it's half empty, and I like to think it's half full. Yeah, that guy did a lot of, a lot of just- Well, that's medieval history. I loved the, I mean, would you like to hear about Genghis Khan and the- You know more?

Oh, of course. Tell us more. Well, I mean- Let's go. You have any? You know more? Oh, of course. Tell us more. Well, I mean. You have any more pot? Yes. Oh, you want pot? Yeah. Why don't you say so?

Sorry, bro. Are you smoking cigarettes? I thought that was your jam. I do both. OK. Thank you. Yeah. I got a lighter.

Oh, OK. So well, Genghis Khan from Mongolia conquered both East and West. He got all the way to a city that, I can't remember the name, but it's currently Beijing. And then went all the way, almost to the Roman Empire, but stopped.

I mean, they conquered Baghdad. I mean, wherever they conquered, they were very tolerant of different ways of being and different religions. What they were not tolerant of was any sort of objection to being subjected to Mongol rule. Then they would just fucking kill everybody. But if you were like, okay, we're part of the Mongol Empire, they were actually very tolerant. But nobody was more merciless or more successful for a long time. The reason they were stopped is because they're warriors, which were the fiercest in history. They were raised on the grass steps of Central Asia,

and horses, horseback, they ran out of grass for the horses in their conquering swath. And once they couldn't get enough grass for their horses to feed, they couldn't fight. And once they couldn't fight, they couldn't keep conquering. Wow. Yeah, so they never't keep conquering. Wow. Yeah, so they never like got to Rome. Yeah.

If they did, the conclave that was going on right now would be very different. Yeah. You know what I always found interesting? Oh, that's good. About Genghis Khan was, you know, when they buried him, I'm sure you know about this because it's so fascinating. When they buried him, the people that buried him got killed by people, right? And the people that killed those people got killed by people. Yes. Yes. That's exactly what they did.

So they wouldn't know where he was buried. Right. This is the part of the podcast where people are going, I guess the pot kicked in. Oh, wait, they're talking about Genghis Khan now? What happened to the Comedy Store and Trump? Now we're onto Genghis Khan's killing everybody? It is kicking in, yeah. But you know, what people will say, because we were talking about ghosts, honestly, is that I guarantee this is already writing, they're already writing this, and it hasn't aired yet.

Well, see, he's a Trumper, believes in conspiracy theories, okay. So they're gonna compare this to like, Hillary ran a pedophile ring out of a pizza parlor. Now, Tony, you don't really believe Hillary did run a, okay, good, because a lot of Trumpers do. See, this is why people have some reason to be suspicious. That's the farthest extreme of the Trump side of things.

Really, what percentage of people who voted for Donald Trump, or in the, let's put it this way, what percentage of people in the administration? You don't think people like Pete Hegseth and Linda McMahon and I don't know, some of these people, Pam Bondi, you don't think they believe in things like that?

I mean, Bobby Kennedy came out for Chemtrails the other day, did you see that? Now I didn't see that. And I like Bobby Kennedy and he sat right there. But Chemtrails? Yeah, it's an interesting one. You know the- Not hard for you.

Well. Hard for me. I just don't, you know, how the story was told was so interesting. I'm gonna get you invited. I can't't, you know, how the story was told was so interesting. I'm gonna get you invited. I can't believe they, by the way, I can handle this with, well really, any number of phone calls right now.

But since you're so true blue, you should definitely get the White House treatment. And he'll show you the whole fucking White House, let me tell you. Yeah, I love it. He likes showing off the White House. And I don't blame him. I don't blame him for a second. I saw Kid Rock's White House a few weeks ago.

Have you heard of this? What's that? Oh my God, he's got the Southern White House. He mimicked his house. It's literally a Southern version of the White House. You ever visit Nashville? Of course. Well.

I've played it. Next time you go, if you happen to. To Ryman, don't you play it on Ryman? Yeah. One of always was one of my favorite stops. Oh my God, it's one of the very few perfect venues in the world, I think. A great venue.

But I just did the, this, a few weeks ago, I did my podcast in the Bridgestone Arena two nights in a row and Kid Rock was a guest on one of them with another comedian. And on the show. Yeah. And it was a lot of fun and we ended up going back to his place. Actually we were there a couple nights before. Anyway, he modeled his house after the White House.

Like it's built like the White House with secret doors and chambers and elevators and all this diabolical shit and it is so fucking cool. He waited years, he lived in a trailer on the property for years just scoping it out, seeing which way the water flowed and all of these different things. He's such an interesting, classy, somehow classy fucking guy.

I love him. Yeah. We became friends and like I know the left- So much fun. I know the left wing hates that and you go fuck yourselves. I will walk into a room with the devil if I want to. You go- Yeah.

But, and again, he's another perfect example of a guy who, like, we don't agree, but that's okay. And it's funny that people have said to me recently, like, are you mad at Kid Rock because he took you? I said, mad at him? No. I'm thankful that he extended the invitation. I'd do it again.

Not again and again, because I didn't want to. I don't make it happen here, okay. But no, mad at him. The only thing I'm mad at him about is that he convinced me to get that shitty Bobby Darin album I got. Oh, you did? Oh my God, it's so terrible.

And he convinced me it was like the greatest thing in the world. Damn. You had to like order it online. I mean, it wasn't like on iTunes. You had to like actually get the physical CD. The CD? Yeah.

Wow. Some record Bobby Darin made like he was trying to be a hippie. Like after his splish splash, I was taking a bath. Yeah. That's interesting. I don't know why you like it. But no, I mean, I was taking a bath. Yeah. That's interesting. I don't know why you like it.

But no, I mean, you gotta accept. Yeah. That's one of the things I've really come to appreciate about these last couple of decades in my life that I didn't get when I was younger. Acceptance. It's everything, Everything is acceptance. I would almost argue that it is a quality of,

and again, I'm not a very political guy, I consider myself a centrist, but I would almost argue that it's becoming acceptance and that type of invitational, let's break bread energy somehow is becoming slightly a more quality of the right. And that's why them being called a racist, that's where everybody really fucked up.

Because sure, Appalachia, I get it. Correct. But I live in the middle, smack dab middle of Texas, granted in the more liberal part of Austin, Texas, but I get out a lot and I golf out 45 minutes that way or that way or that way and I'll go hunting that way and that way. There's all these different parts.

And those people, if a black person walked up to their goddamn door, they would be, in my opinion, a lot of them, a thousand times nicer than a suspicious, wacky liberal that's not used to welcoming people in or being a good neighbor. But that's near Austin. Sure, I'm also just talking about the road. I'm still out there.

Honestly, both things exist in America. And I would say, first of all, when I say accepting, I mean accepting of someone's personality. I don't mean accepting of their political policies. So don't ever, don't anybody write in and say, Bill Maher said he should accept Trump. No, I don't accept Trump's bad policies. I accept Trump. No, I don't accept Trump's bad policies. I accept humans.

On the other thing, there was a story, maybe a couple of years ago, of some black person walking up to some white guy's door for a very innocent reason and the guy just shot him. Some old fuck. And my answer to this is always, these people do exist in America, but they're my age. And it's not a growth industry, racism. It's just not. Those people, they do still

exist in America. Or just the person, I know people of color who've said, you know, I went into this store in, you know, fucking the Panhandle in Florida, and I just got a harsh, that happens, a harsh look from someone just because your skin is brown. That absolutely does exist. But I also have been more on the page of trying to get my mostly liberal audience to understand, you're not doing yourself any favors by pretending that America isn't a very, very different place than it was 10, 20, 30 years ago. 50, it's night and day different than 50 years ago.

Exactly, I had someone tell me once that it's never been worse. I'm like, what do you mean it's never been worse? I brought that up in an editorial. I mean, slavery used to exist. I'm like, what do you mean it's never been worse? I brought that up in an editorial. Slavery used to exist. I said that in an editorial quoting Kevin Hart who said something about never been worse.

And then he, you know, I said worse than like a hundred years ago when we had that, when they bombed the shit out of, what was that city in Oklahoma where they had this, they just destroyed the entire city. Tulsa? Yeah, Tulsa, the Tulsa race bombing. Worse than when Diana Ross and, you know,

Willie Mays couldn't stay at the same hotel and he fired back about like, oh, we should be thankful that we're in the, no, I'm not saying you should be thankful. It's not the point, and you know it's not the point. I'm saying things are different, and to say everything, that things are worse than ever, is just delusional.

And it's not good. And it's the kind of. The irresponsibility of, you know, and I love Kevin Hart, but that's a fucking, when people say things like that, to where it's absolute, right, things have never been worse, that's dangerous. With great power comes great responsibility. LeBron James put out an Instagram post that went super fucking ballistic the week of my shit, and the video started with me,

and it edited out a whole, the beginning, the part of the setup, and basically the end. Yeah. Of course, we all have, but I mean, it's just, I really hate that. That kind of thing is what makes me say to that wing of the party, Yep.

I'm an ally until you lie. When you lie, then I can't be your ally. And I just fucking hate a lie. Just tell me what you think or what's the truth. Just don't fucking lie to me. I'm just like an abused woman. He's been lying to me. So much lying, and he just don't lie to me.

But it really is true. Like women, it's like, if people wanna know like the main thing to do to not piss off a woman, just don't lie. It's almost always the lying that'll get you. Totally. I learned that early on. Are you married?

No. Never been married? No. Never been married? No. Well, I was married for a short period of time. What do you mean? Yeah. Oh yeah, that's right. No, I'm high as shit, but I was married

for a couple years. High as shit and I forgot marriage? I'm not sure about that. I'm not married now. Now I'm not sure about the ghost. Again. All right. Now the ghost is very much in suspicion.

No, I've been married, I'm not married. You were married? Yeah, just for a couple years, it was fun. It was a good little run. Met a girl who I, we couldn't fucking separate at all for a week or two, we were having so much damn fun. She is originally from Australia, and so she goes, my visa's up in a little bit, So, and I'm literally like, it wasn't even like,

I have no regrets, we're still extremely best friends to this day, I'm the godfather to her fucking stunning little son, and we're happy. Actually, she'll be coming home. So you don't think she used you to get? Not at all. It was literally my idea. I know what it looks like, and it was a blast, and we had a, you know, it was a blast.

Looks like we should send her to prison in El Salvador. That's what it looks like to me. An immigrant who took advantage of an American and we should probably deport without trial. That's what it looks like to me, my friend. She's an American now, thank God. Yeah, because of you. Right? Well, I mean. Once you marry them, they're good to go, right friend. She's an American now, thank God. Yeah, because of you. Right?

Well, I mean. Once you marry them, they're good to go, right? Even if they get divorced, it's not like they divorced the country. I don't even know the rules. I just know they weren't gonna. So why did it peter out? Well, at the time.

You got tired of the sexual intercourse? No, no, it wasn't that. It was just, it just kind of... Usually it's that. She, you know, there was some, there was some addiction issues on her. The sexual intercourse? No. Oh.

Yeah, well, I mean, she was, sex was fine. Everything was good in that department, but... It was fine, no. It's gotta be better than fine. It was great. It was good in that department, but. This was fine, no. It's gotta be better than fine. It was great. It was 10 years ago. It was great, yeah. No, it's great.

A minute ago, a minute ago, it would be stupid. My ex-wife, have you ever been married? Let's see, I'm very high, so I don't, I'm gonna wait and think about it. No, I've never been married. No, I have one of the proudest achievements in my life. Not because I think marriage is bad, just because I think it would have been bad for me.

So the fact that I was able to stick to my guns and not walk down the aisle. And of course, the more you listen to people who are married or were married, I mean, God, I just read that Michelle Obama, Michelle Obama, this is, said that she hated, I hated my husband for 10 years when the kids were little. Who says that?

I just don't understand that. And then she said, but you know, we've been together 30, so you know, 10 bad ones, I think that's pretty good. I don't. Like, I'm not on that page. That, oh, one decade of misery. Yeah. I can do that standing on my head, you know,

they're like a monster going on, I can do 10, please. Yeah. It's great, right? I would never do it again. You would never do it again? It was a one time thing, yeah. I know myself well now.

And what did you learn? Well, now things have just changed, you know. It was, then it was a best friendship kind of, you know, while obviously hooking up. And now I'm just kind of, as corny as it sounds, I just like my independence and I really, really have found a way to be super comfortable, you know, by myself.

Doesn't sound corny to me. Yeah. Yeah. Some people lose their minds and go, but don't you wanna, but don't you wanna. And it's like, don't you wanna like, don't you wanna do what I look. Let's take a look at our nights. That should definitely be a song. Yeah.

Don't you wanna. Should be on that Bobby Darin album. If it was any good. a song, Doncha Wanna? Should be on that Bobby Darin album. It should be on Dua Lipa's album. Or Charlie C. X to the Z. I mean, Doncha Wanna? Because you're so right, that like so sums up like what the argument is to people like us from the usual Don't you wanna?

And then my answer was always no, not really. Love means not what, how do you make me feel? It's like what's right for you? If I love you being happy more than I love whatever you're giving to me That's when you pass into the actual love stage as opposed to just I mean when I was younger It was just I love you. No, I love what you do for me You know, I love how you make me feel but that's about me. That's not love

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