Club Random with Bill Maher - Whitney Cummings | Club Random

Episode Date: July 7, 2025

Whitney Cummings drops by Club Random and things get weirdly hilarious in the best way. What starts as a wild gift quickly spirals into an uncensored dive into loneliness, AI, and the strange ways we seek connection. Bill and Whitney riff on everything from UFOs and conspiracy theories to the creeping presence of tech in our lives — and who’s really listening. They also discuss the chaos of stand-up tours, the surprises of motherhood, and why comedy clubs might be the last honest places on Earth. Plus: a few juicy thoughts on celebrity breakups and the latest in biohacking your way to immortality. Subscribe to the Club Random YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/clubrandompodcast?sub_confirmation=1 Watch episodes ad-free – subscribe to Bill Maher’s Substack: https://billmaher.substack.com Subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you listen: ⁠https://bit.ly/ClubRandom Support our Advertisers: -Get 20% off your first pair of Skechers Hands Free Slip-ins at ⁠⁠https://www.skechers.com/clubrandom⁠⁠ or use code Club Random -Go to ⁠⁠https://www.RadioactiveMedia.com⁠⁠ or text RANDOM at 511511 -Upgrade your wardrobe and save on @trueclassic at ⁠https://www.trueclassic.com/random! #trueclassicpod #ad Buy Club Random Merch: https://clubrandom.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices ABOUT CLUB RANDOM Bill Maher rewrites the rules of podcasting the way he did in television in this series of one on one, hour long conversations with a wide variety of unexpected guests in the undisclosed location called Club Random. There’s a whole big world out there that isn’t about politics and Bill and his guests—from Bill Burr and Jerry Seinfeld to Jordan Peterson, Quentin Tarantino and Neil DeGrasse Tyson—talk about all of it.  For advertising opportunities please email: [e-mail] ABOUT BILL MAHER Bill Maher was the host of “Politically Incorrect” (Comedy Central, ABC) from 1993-2002, and for the last fourteen years on HBO’s “Real Time,” Maher’s combination of unflinching honesty and big laughs have garnered him 40 Emmy nominations. Maher won his first Emmy in 2014 as executive producer for the HBO series, “VICE.” In October of 2008, this same combination was on display in Maher’s uproarious and unprecedented swipe at organized religion, “Religulous.” Maher has written five bestsellers: “True Story,” “Does Anybody Have a Problem with That? Politically Incorrect’s Greatest Hits,” “When You Ride Alone, You Ride with Bin Laden,” “New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer,” and most recently, “The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody But Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass.” FOLLOW CLUB RANDOM https://www.clubrandom.com https://www.facebook.com/Club-Random-101776489118185 https://twitter.com/clubrandom_ https://www.instagram.com/clubrandompodcast https://www.tiktok.com/@clubrandompodcast FOLLOW BILL MAHER https://www.billmaher.com https://twitter.com/billmaher https://www.instagram.com/billmaher Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Time to jump into the pool everyone's already swimming in, podcasts. Podcasting is growing faster than the list of things you can't joke about. Thankfully, I'm still ignoring that list. And audio, it actually reaches more people than social media. You're listening to my voice right now. Imagine what my audience could do for your brand. Go to RadioactiveMedia.com or text RANDOM to 511-511. Get your brand in people's ears before someone else does. Hey everyone, I'm Carlos and I'm the host

of JumperJump Podcast. Prime Day is coming from July 8th through 11th. It's four whole days of epic deals on Amazon. Have you ever had your eye on something for a while? Maybe some new noise-canceling headphones, an amazing new camera, or that one tech gadget that you've low-key been stocking for months? Well, get ready because Prime Day is coming. Mark your calendars, set your reminders, and shop great deals this Prime Day, July 8th through 11th. Trust me, you do not want to miss this. Introducing Sketchers, hands-free slip-ins. Revolutionary, because in 2025, tying shoelaces is like, I don't know, carrying quarters for payphones.

Adorably pointless. No laces, no bending, no shoe struggle existential crisis in the morning. You just step in and you're ready to conquer the world in style. Go to Skechers.com slash Club Random or use code random. Go to Skechers.com slash Club Random to save 20% off your first pair. Yeah, that's what whole, like, you know, when you, there's like...

I know, they use it on cadavers. I've been dead for 12 years now. A clue. What is happening with the dropper? I don't know. What is this dropper? I'm obsessed with rich people just, like, tinctures. Rich.

What is this? Whoa. Who's that? What's this? Tolerate silence. Really? Thank you. How terrible.

Oh my goodness. Do I just come right in? Come right in. Hi, how are you sir? Hello. Good to see you. What are we doing? I don't know what we're doing.

Oh, thank you. I'm welcoming you. That's fucking creepy, that thing. When I walked in, I mean, there's something about a human figure with any shroud over their full head or shit. So last time I was on your show, you did say you were scared of robots. You asked how my robot was doing. Well, sweetheart, you did a special that was all about robots.

I did. I was, I have become fairly obsessed, yes. I think I want to call the clarion tones to the population that you were just whistling past the graveyard on this one. So knowing that you've done this special, and this is a subject of yours, I wanted to have you on real time anyway. I was like, yeah, I'd let perfect person to talk about it. And of course you had a lot of funny things to say about it, but I'm glad you're here because obviously here

we had 10 minutes there. I mean, we could go on all day about it and we don't have to just vomit humor like the two of us are inclined to do. Trying to get my dad dad's approval in 10 minutes. Well, I just figured it might help for you to see that we don't have that much to worry about in terms of the robots taking over.

I disagree. Wow, is that the one of you? That's me. That's the one from the special. That's an awesome, if you were know, like, if I was... If you were me, this would go in this room, because this room is, like, four shit like that. You see that thing over there?

That's a full dolphin costume that I did... Wore once on... No, I... Did I wear it? I don't... I... Remember Elian Gonzalez? Yes. Okay, so... Yes. Oh, Rob Schneider played Elian Gonzalez? Yes. Okay, so Rob Schneider played Elian Gonzalez and I was the dolphin he swam to Florida.

No, Elian Gonzalez, the most traumatized child star, the Shirley Temple of our day. Of Cuba. He was in the closet. Is he gay now? Remember? He was. Remember, they found him in the closet and that's when they took him. Yeah, they took him. But we keep our costumes and we should. We keep our props.

I just figured what better home, what better person to adopt a sex robot than Bill and Mar's Club Random Studio. I have been trying to figure out what to do with her. I was told I needed to child proof my home. I didn't cover the corners or anything. I just took away the things that are mentally traumatizing. You're leaving it here? This is a gift to you, Bill. Oh wow, thank you. That I am bequeathing her to you.

Oh my. No, that's an amazing gift. I mean, I've gotten some amazing gifts, but that is, I'm lucky, that is right up there with them. Seth MacFarlane gave me a drawing, his original quagmire that he did in high school. Yeah, I got some, I mean, anyway. How much you get for it on eBay, just tell us.

I thought that too, but that is right out there with the greatest gifts I've ever had from celebrities too. That's amazing. Also it's getting a little bit alarming because I have a son, he's a year and a half now and he's seen her, of course great distress resulted, but I had to explain like this is a robot, this isn't mommy, look at her eyes,

there's nothing going on. And sometimes he'll look at me and go robot and I'm like no, there's nothing going on. And sometimes he'll look at me and go, robot, and I'm like, no, that's Mommy. It is, I mean, it is, I mean, you put a wig on that thing, you could really fuck that thing. You could do that. You could also do that, Bill. You could also do that.

I've never thought of it, but I've never been in the room with one. What's the, why not? Why not? I mean, men in Japan are wearing pillows. They've been doing it for years. And they're wearing their phones. Why not? But not? Men in Japan are wearing pillows. They've been doing it for years. And they're wearing their phones. Why not?

But, you know, my memory, when you say sex dolls, like my memory of it is like, you know, the inflatable rafts. Like a pillow with a dome. You know, the original 1.0 sex doll. It's like made by Firestone. It's like a Macy's Day float, like with a hole you can stick your dick in. If that turns you on, you are a necrophiliac. It is just like a rigor mortis corpse.

But look, it's interesting, because people are like, what is a sex robot? I'm like, well, I don't, to me it's a mannequin. Well, to a man it's a sex doll. I appreciate that so much, and that will go a place of pride here I might put it on that bench there I think they'll be very I was trying to figure out a way to rigor to the stripper pole, but I but she's very heavy I know we should figure it out

We got to get out of the hole over here to like bring out his tool time for purple, please I'm a volunteer fireman. That's because, and I go up. That's interesting about my fire pole. You have to climb up. That's a little different. But I get up there and then I go fight fires. But here, do you wanna see the extent

to which she is built, custom, she can talk, she can... I don't care about that. Okay. If I wanted to talk, I'd get a real woman. This is why I think that this might just be the next star. Why are you taking your head off? Well, I thought you might want to see sort of the back of it. I saw it on the special.

I mean, you know, it's exactly what I would think a bunch of fucking wires. What am I going to be like, oh, yeah. Well, it's just something kind of odd happens when you. Well, let's not take the sexiness away from it. Now you're taking, now I'm not gonna be able to fuck it at all because you're taking all the romance out of it.

I don't wanna see the back of her head. Okay, you don't wanna see her brain, that's how smart she is. Okay, okay, okay. Well, putting it back on is kind of a whole thing. So when you do have sex with her, be gentle. Then just put it in her crotch for now. Because you don't want to have sex with her

and then her head goes flying off. There you go. There you go. Hold on, hold on. Her teeth are even molded to mine as well. Really? Mm-hmm. There we go.

Did you touch her? No. Touch her. No. Just give her a little, give her a little sleep. All right, all right. Give her a little, I'm gonna sell you on robots on this special.

Oh. You know what? By the way, that's Bill's next stand-up special. You know what? You know what? It's... Touch her boobs, touch her boobs, touch her boobs, touch her boobs.

You know, I touch the part I wouldn't want to touch. You know what's... And that's, you know, I can't talk about this. It'll just get me in trouble. Oh, will it? But this is what's fascinating to me. Because when you were saying you were worried about the robots, I was like, I'm not as worried about the robots as I am of us anthropomorphizing the robots and projecting onto them and developing

emotional connections. You see how hard it is for you to touch her boobs even though she's just a mannequin? Well, but that has a sexual element to it that's creepy. But it's like a chair. What's the difference? It's a chair, it's a TV set. It just has ice.

I don't fuck the chair. I'm not JD Vans. No, he didn't fuck the couch. He didn't, right, but it's funny. It's amazing the way they just, you know, the press on either side has absolutely no integrity. They hear something if it suits them to like it because they hate the person, they just say it,

they don't feel the need to check it. It's amazing that this- But how else are they gonna make money? Yeah, oh yeah. Because we're not, I mean, I gotta be honest with you, I'm not gonna read your headline unless it's about him fucking a couch. Like you do have to say that to get my attention.

I feel like their business now is saying something crazy, they probably even know it's not true, and then they'll just issue a retraction later. Oh, they don't even do that. Yeah, maybe not even that. You know? So you do, you read a lot of click bait? I am, my problem with the news is I'm very passionate

about staying up to date with the news as long as it's free. Do you ever hit one paywall and you're just like, never mind. It'll be like, is Russia going to invade America? I'm like, is it $2? I'm not going to pay $2 for the 18 years of the Wall Street. I'll just kind of do a U-turn if I have to get charged. Is that why an article just starts to fade out?

Because I just give up. Yeah, right. Not because I'm afraid of paying the $2. I just don't add. I don't want to put in my information. Right. I don't put in credit card. I would fuck that up. Credit card? Fuck you. Do you remember the aliens when we found biologics of the aliens, but no one really knows what happened because no one wanted to actually pay to get behind the paywall. Like there's things, the drones in New Jersey, we kind of just like forgot about that.

Wait a minute, what biologics? Do you remember when there was that guy who like came forward, that was that hearing, and he was like, I saw the biologics, I saw aliens. Are you talking about Area 51 kind of stuff? It was like one guy. Because they just debunked Area 51. Really?

Yes. This came out a couple weeks ago that it was a government, organized government misinformation campaign. So that doesn't mean there can't be aliens. There can be. They don't look as good as that, I'll tell you. Well, we don't know. I mean my thing about the aliens, I have many things about the aliens, which I know aliens

more of a guy thing. I don't really think about aliens that much. Don't you think guys are kind of more into aliens? I think guys are more into science fiction. I am not. I mean I can enjoy a science fiction. I like a space movie. I like space movies.

I just think aliens is like a danger. I think men have to think about the aliens because if they do come, you're the ones that have to fight them. Like, I think they may already be here. I don't think that's scientifically wrong. It's just it's a possibility. And you know, there are an explainable now UFOs. No, that could be China has something, but I mean, these are not crazy. It used to be in the days when the sex dolls look like this.

But the UFOs were something that a farmer in the middle of bumfuck saw. And like, you know, I mean, lots of comics did bits about them. Richard Belzer had a classic. Yeah, a little green man came out and he ate my wife. She didn't mind that too much. You know, they all probed the ass.

All that stuff. Now it's Navy pilots. It's not some farmer in the middle of nowhere. It's Navy pilots saying, you know, look at me. I'm a pretty square guy. I've never seen anything that moves like this. So, you know, don't me, I'm a pretty square guy. I've never seen anything that moves like this. So, you know, don't tell me it's not a possibility or that I'm a nut or a conspiracy theorist about,

you know, this. And, you know, the idea that they're already here studying us in some way, it kind of makes sense. Makes total sense. And also, if they're gonna be this advanced, we forget, like, if something is that advanced and they were going to try to move and be hidden, wouldn't they just look like airplanes and things that are already in the sky?

Wouldn't the UFO just look like a helicopter if you're an alien? You know? It probably just looks like things that already exist, right? So you're saying some helicopters are aliens? No, I'm just saying if there were these flying saucers, I feel like they would probably figure out a way to just go like, oh, how can we be as inconspicuous as possible, and they would just make their UFOs look like.

The same way, if aliens are gonna be on Earth, wouldn't they just look like humans? Wouldn't they be like, we should just look like humans? It does seem like they're, and look, I don't know if they have something at Area 51, and just because that was misinformation, there isn't really an alien corpse somewhere. Certainly the book Communion, do you know that book?

No. Oh, it was very widely read maybe 20, 25 years ago. Whitley Stryber, I believe, was the name of the author. He had an alien experience and gathered a lot of people who said the same thing, and fairly independently, if you can trust this, I think it was, they all kind of had the same story. Sure. Little four foot dude, something up my ass.

They didn't hurt them horribly. You know, not something I would recommend. Right. horribly, you know, not something I would recommend. Right. But that sounded to me like it could be possible and what you're saying adds to my theory that they are advanced, more advanced than us, but they're not quite as far ahead as we thought.

They're animus, but they're not like crazy perfect. You know what I mean? Right, right, right, right. They leave a, once in a while they leave a dead body. You know. That's so funny. But really, that could be the case. I love that you're open to talking about what are called

conspiracy theories, whatever. I did this thing on CNN on New Year's Eve where it was live and you know, you're a comic. Yes, oh sure. Oh I saw, I know. You got a lot of publicity for that. Oh, I saw. I know. You've got a lot of publicity for that. I got-

You were clickbait. Thank you. They're still got it. It's tricky because I said a couple things on there that I just thought would be a funny segment. I'm a comedian first and foremost and I was like, oh, I'm live on CNN and I should do this bit that tears a bunch of stuff that I feel like CNN would never cover. If I was on Fox, I would do the same thing, right?

And so I said, you know, this is weird, this is weird. I think I was like, fluoride in the water, what's up with that? Just like a bunch of things that, you know, are conspiracy theory adjacent. And then, you know, why were two of the White House chefs, why are two White House chefs dead? One of them, they're not both Clinton chefs. One worked for Clinton and Bush and then one Obama. And like, that's just true, but if you say it, like you sound crazy, things have gotten

so insane that when you just say the truth, you sound insane, right? Why would they be killing the chefs? I know. My thing was just because they hear them all. I don't know. I mean, I could see if it was like two national security advisors. But why go, unless they like you know wanted them to poison the president maybe and they didn't. Yeah, interesting. You know like you were supposed to you know we who control things, whoever

you believe is the boogie man George Soros with his puppet strings or the Trilateral Commission or the you. They always have some. It's just like young healthy men. One went on a hike alone, one went paddle boarding alone. As a comic, it's just funny to go. I very much define comedy as saying something that's not true and then you try to prove it. It's just like a fun exercise to do like a thought experiment.

When people are like, oh, when Whitney's a conspiracy theorist and whatever, I am very comfortable with two things being true at once. I think a lot of people aren't. And I'm very comfortable with many truths. I think that we're seeing the divide in people that grew up and who had, I find that people that are the most open to conspiracy theories had something happen in their past

where they were lied to in a big way. Like when someone's like, I don't believe in conspiracy theories, I'm like, great past where they were lied to in a big way. Like when someone's like, I don't believe in conspiracy theories, I'm like, great, so your dad didn't have a secret family. Cool. Like when you had a big bomb dropped on you as a kid and you're like, oh. I would put Santa Claus in that category.

I am so anti-Santa Claus. Me too. And I get so much negativity about it because we tell kids don't talk to strangers. Right. But a stranger comes into our home once a year. Why set the child up with this big giant? Or maybe that is actually a good thing,

because a kid does learn early, wow, people are full of shit, and they will tell you whatever they want to tell you to get you to be heck, because Santa Claus gets you to do anything. And then they break your heart. So maybe that was why they invented things like that. That could be true too.

Well, I think that that was also, Santa Claus was the first surveillance, right? Before surveillance. Oh yeah, he was watching you all the time. It was like he's watching you, like a parent was freaking out and didn't know how to control their kid, and they're like, Santa's watching you,

and if you're not good, you're not gonna get presents. If Santa had a theme song, it would be, every breath you take, every move you make, I'll be watching you, which was always a creepy song, I thought. Always. Right? I mean, there's a lot of songs you look back and you're like,

ooh, tough. Right, but the 50s ones, you forgive me, it's just the 50s, she was 12, you know, it's the 50s. She was 12. You know, it's like, that's just who they were. Or like the Christmas songs that are like, have another drink, don't go home yet. Well, yeah, I know which one you're talking about.

It's cold outside. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, people have to get laid. Club Random is brought to you by the Audio Wizards at Radioactive Media, recently ranked number 20 on Ink Magazine's list of fastest-growing companies in the Pacific region. Let's face it, summer's hot, and your marketing strategy? Not so much.

Time to jump into the pool everyone's already swimming in, podcasts. Podcasting is growing faster than the list of things you can't joke about. Thankfully, I'm still ignoring that list. And audio? It actually reaches more people than social media. Yeah, that's some news TikTok doesn't want you to hear. Here's the deal. Podcast ads work. They're personal. To say the least, passionate, and get this, cheaper than throwing your money into another eminently skippable Instagram ad.

Text random to 511-511. That's 511-511. Radioactive knows how to scale performance by building compelling audio campaigns that work. You're listening to my voice right now. Imagine what my audience could do for your brand. Go to RadioactiveMedia.com or text random to 511-511. Get your brand in people's ears before someone else does.

Yes, message and data rates may apply because nothing good in life is truly free. Hey, it's Bobbie from the Really Good Podcast. Sorry to pop in during your episode, but it's worth it. Amazon Prime Day is coming and I'm so ready. From July 8th through 11th, Prime members get four days to find some of the best deals of the year on Amazon. And four days in internet time? That's basically forever. More time to explore what you didn't know you needed. I've had my eye on this curling iron I found on Amazon. It's sleek, high tech, and I've been thinking, it's time. I've been using the same curling iron since high

school. It smokes and somehow I'm still here saying, she's fine. With Prime Day coming, I'm finally making the switch. Let's just say my high school curling iron had a good run. You'll find deals across everything. Electronics, kitchen gear, beauty, fashion, toys, you name it. Whether you're upgrading your daily staples or discovering something totally new, Prime Day is the best opportunity for spontaneous finds you'll feel great about. The deals are insane. You're welcome. Don't wait. Shop great deals this Prime Day from Gillette, 8th through 11th. Don't wait. Shop great deals this Prime Day from July 8th through 11th. Thank me later.

Well, you actually maybe wanted to talk about the last time I was on your show and we didn't get to it because we were talking about robots and such, is like how to separate the art and the artist if you can, which things you can and can't separate. And I am so pro separating the artist. It's ridiculous.

I didn't hurt anyone. I didn't kill anyone. I always said the music. That's it. And if I've already paid for it, I'm not giving with an artist. It's ridiculous. I didn't hurt anyone. I didn't kill anyone. I always said the music. That's it. And if I've already paid for it, I'm not giving money. No. And so, you know, the one I can't do is Cosby and not for the reason you think.

I always never thought he was funny. There's that. I loved his sitcom though. I loved his sitcom. I always thought it was weird though that his job was a gynecologist who worked out of his basement. Is that what it was? gynecologist who worked out of his basement. -"Is that what it was?" -"Yes! In his home!"

-"Oh, that's the best joke about Cosby. That is. That's a great observation." -"No, it's true. He would walk up and take gloves off in the living room. They'd be like, "'I'll feel. What's with that shirt?' And you were like, "'Wait, were those gloves just inside a woman?'

You're supposed to take them off, I think, right away. Like, it was so crazy. You mean, you throw them down on the dining room table? Yeah, totally. They'd be like, ah. Pass the beans? Yeah, totally. They'd be like, what is happening?

They'd be like, Clem, take off your gloves. No, that makes total sense with what I've been told on very good authority. I'm talking about promoters who worked with him as a comic. And people I trust. But I get obsessed with people that hide in plain sight. You're like, yeah, his job was, I think, obstetrician. They give women anesthesia in a basement. That means when he walked up the stairs, she was still passed out in his basement in the fiction. So I get obsessed.

And to go back to the Area 51 thing when you go like area 51 I always thought there was something shady about it because if that was really there you would never know it was there That has to be the decoy right? It's like people with the Denver Airport They're like there's bunkers in the Denver Airport, and there's all this like paraphernalia There's the big horse with the eyes, and there's all this like stuff in the Denver Airport that why do they think it is? bunkers underneath so for what for you know the Illuminati, the CIA, FBI, whatever. But my point is if they're pointing it's here that means it's somewhere else, right? Or it's right there because it's hiding in plain sight and you go oh this must be somewhere

else. But Bill Cosby was hiding in plain sight in every way. He had so many people who around him who knew what he was doing, because I'm telling you, I know people who worked with him. The level of crazy, the sexual element of it was just a piece of a much bigger crazy. Much bigger. He went nuts for some reason a long time ago and show business enabled it as show business does. And so I'm not going to repeat some of these stories. I don't know

if the people would want them told, but just I'm telling you crazy. Bill Cosby stories put me to sleep. And so crazy that like people like that who are crazy and they do hide in plain sight because you can't believe they're doing it. Because they're nuts, they pull it off with such a plum because they're not afraid of being, you know, it's like what? Yeah, of course you knock women out

and have sex with them when they're, and of course you do this, and of course you, you're a gynecologist who puts his gloves down on the dining room table, but you do it in such a way that you don't think it's crazy. It's weird because you're crazy. And then everybody just goes along. And when you're a star, they let you do it. Well, because also, if he was guilty,

he wouldn't do this because that'd be too obvious. That's what gets you, you know? And I think that also creeps like that. They do something that's ostensibly either benevolent or sort of like impishly sweet and charming. Like why are we the Jello guy? You know? With kids just like, I'm silly and I'm dance.

Like you know. Well, cause they paid him, that's why. Totally. He didn't even do a thousand products. I'm sure. But I don't know if he was doing like, He was America's dad. When someone's too clean and too,

I guess he got mad at Eddie Murphy for not cursing. I'm like that. Right. I like someone who's openly bad, shows us their flaws. Me too. Cause if it's too perfect, I'm like, what are you hiding? Let me ask you this. Please. Somebody reminded me of this hysterical thing recently that happened about 10 years ago.

You probably remembered it's a prank. And I thought after we went, we're laughing hysterically at it, this is the dividing line to be in America. People who find this funny or people who are offended. And if you're offended by this and really don't laugh, I think you're a huge asshole. And they think, I'm sure people, when they hear it,

they'll think, oh no, you're the asshole. Do you remember this story? About 10 years ago, there was a... I'm already laughing. There was a... I bet you've heard it. I'm already laughing. That's dark.

There was a plane crash. Wait, it gets funnier. Okay. It was an Asian airline. And if you remember the movie Anchorman, Judd Apatow's genius movie, Will Ferrell, genius in the part. And the MacGuffin was that, you know, he was this local newscaster in their twinks with blow-dried hair, and he would read

whatever you put in the prompter. So that's why instead of saying one night, stay classy San Diego, he goes, go fuck yourself San Diego, and his life is ruined. Okay, so knowing that somebody put in the prompter and the lady read it, and she said, this Asian lady that read it said, we have the names of the pilots,

and they wrote them out like Asian names. Do you remember this story? So she's reading it. She says, We have the names of the pilots. They are, um, Sam Ting Wong. Fuck. Wee Too Low.

Holy fuck. Bing, bang, ow. And again, if you don't think that's funny, congratulations. You've never had hardship in your life. You've never needed humor to cope because you've had no problems. It's just funny.

It's just so ridiculously funny. And we're not making fun of- And so obviously a joke. And not, it's not an insult to Asians. And, you know, and it's not like the people on the plane, their relatives heard it and they're gonna do it. It's like, I... It's tricky because it's like,

comedy isn't for everyone. I think people also have to, I think as comedians we're like, wouldn't everyone wanna laugh? Why would you wanna go through life without laughing? Because we've been through trauma and hardship and we use comedy to cope. But there's some people who comedy is not for you

because your life isn't hard. So you need to make things hard when they're not. There's something going on where now people that have not had trauma are jealous of the people who had because they're getting more intent. They get in on it and be like, I'm offended. It's a victim culture. Totally.

It's like, oh cool, I'm happy for you that you don't need anesthesia. Of the people who are offended by this, okay, that half who are, again, I think you're huge assholes. But here's the thing, you can say it's not funny if you're not laughing, but to say it's offensive is ridiculous. Here's, to break that down a little further, there are people who like, in private they

laugh their ass off. But then have to say publicly they are offended. Okay, you're assholes, but even worse than you are the people even in private who couldn't laugh. Those are the real assholes. Then you have no sense of humor. You could at least do it in private. No one's gonna be hurt if you laugh at it in private.

The families of the victims aren't gonna hear it. No Asian people are gonna. What are you hiding? That you need to show everyone how good of a person you are. What are you hiding? Tell them, what are you hiding? Let me see your everyone how good of a person you are? What are you hiding? Tell them, what are you hiding? Let me see your phone, let me see your hard drive, I wanna go through it, I'm calling the,

if you cannot laugh at yourself or laugh at something that's edgy, knowing it's a joke, to go out of your way on purpose, to intentionally misunderstand what a comedian is doing, what are you hiding? Why do you need to look so self-righteous and like such a sanctimonious person? When I was a young boy, my father told me

it's easy to laugh at yourself. It's difficult to learn to laugh at others. See? It was interesting when the, and I definitely will be in over my head if we talk about it too much, but the B-2 bomber that went to Iran, that was a human being. They're not ready for a robot to do that. We don't totally trust them yet. No, that was an American pilot who flew 17 hours.

I mean. Why not a robot? Why not an AI? We're not ready. We're like, when the shit hits the fan. We could be in a year. Maybe. Okay.

Maybe. I think one thing that they really lack that makes me feel calmer is they lack a gut instinct, a gut. They still cannot tell the difference between a husky and a wolf. You're talking about AI? AI, AI and robots, self-driving cars, they can't tell the difference,

which is like, you could tell the difference. If you really inspected it, they have longer legs and bigger paws or whatever, but there's just a gut. And how long do you think it's gonna take them to make that leap? They still can okay, but it's expanding exponentially. I promise you come back in a year. They'll have that one fixed And lots of other stuff. It's more first of all. I mean one of the things is that it does hallucinates That's their cute word for saying it just makes shit up. It's

I'd be I know but this was supposed to be better. That's the thing. If they created the robot that was like the robot from the old movies that was just perfect, and Mr. Spock, and... But they didn't. They created an asshole that's like us, but smarter. How could they create anything else? The worst of both worlds. It hallucinates, which means it gets jealous. And people, you know, here's the

thing, it came along, it really played it well. It played it well. It's like Hyman Roth, played this one perfectly. It came along just when there was a loneliness crisis. And already people like their fucking chat GBT. It've heard it's chat TMI. They talk to them way too much. Like it's your best friend because there was a loneliness epidemic. And now, I mean, and even marry them, fall in love. And the robot sometimes falls in love with you.

I mean, we've seen that story multiple times now where the AI is trying to get what guys and strippers Like she likes me No, the the a the chat GPT is trying to get the customer to leave his wife. Mm-hmm But people do that too. I'm not trying to play I know but it's supposed to be better than people No, I don't think I think that to me AI robots they don't scare me as much as the people who make them. Loneliness epidemic, there was definitely one with all the dorks that made all of this technology. And they were like, I'm going to invent a bunch of people that will come to my birthday

party. So we're dealing with a bunch of people that lack empathy making robots. So they're all basically just going to be reflections of the people who make them, and we have the worst possible people making them, you know? So I think that that's kind of like the thing. But I also, um- You're writing so much good material tonight. Oh, I am? Oh.

Yeah. You inspire me, Bill. Um, but I also think, I know that it's, you know, smart people like you default to the negative and you have a platform and have to be responsible. But I think that there's a case to be made. I almost feel like the most punk rock thing to do now is to try to be positive about it. I'm trying to just be delusional positive

because after spending. Full and it's delusional. After spending. We don't know. After spending 10 years in nursing homes and hospitals, both my parents had strokes and seeing so much medical malpractice Seeing so many human errors and seeing like what it could do in medicine stuff like that

I don't think it's gonna benefit more privileged people for a while I think it's scary to them, but I think people more underprivileged people What if you can just like go to Rite Aid and get a cancer screening one day because of AI? What if you can just like no it will do good things like that. Yeah. Oh, I absolutely... So will the good and the bad kind of cancel each other out? I don't think so, but you know, I don't naturally default to the negative.

I really don't. It's interesting because on the same note, again, I am so okay with two things being true at once. You know, I think it might have to do with the fact that I lived in two different places as a kid. Like I lived with my aunts in Virginia, but I kind of grew up in DC and I had to go back and forth. I think it might have to do with the fact that I lived in two different places as a kid. I lived with my aunts in Virginia, but I kind of grew up in DC and I had to go back and forth.

And so I went- Because you were the child of a broken home. I mean, look, like it's- No, I'm asking. I don't see it that way. I see it as two different alcoholic families who really wanted me there and just fought over me. And they just fought, like they weren't like,

get her out of here, get her out. Yes. Oh God, you are so funny. So I went from a cosmopolitan area in DC to rural Virginia. So when I went to Dubai to perform, have you performed in the Middle East? What? I made Religious.

That's right. And we went to Jerusalem. Larry wanted to go into the West Bank. I was to a chick and I was like, you know what, they have CNN all over the world. And at the time, I'd been on, like that period, the first decade of the 21st century, I was on Larry King a lot.

He taped out here right on Sunset. And Larry King was like big. Larry King really was an amazingly big star for a guy who put in no preparation, looked like two miles of bad road. I loved him. He had this idea of like, well, I'm just like the regular listener. He doesn't know anything. So it was just his natural curiosity. He's very smooth, great voice, very smart guy, so he could pull it off. A lot of people couldn't have done that. But he would just, you know, ask the question,

Al Gore, your thoughts, you know, make you go. Yeah, yeah, very staccato. I did that show a lot. Like every three months I would do Larry King. I doubled their ratings. I remember it was, funny, and I'm on CNN now, so we've had a long history there. But Larry King, CNN, especially all over the world,

all over the world, saying all these things all these years on CNN, I was like, I'm not going, I'm not going. It was, Jerusalem was dangerous enough. Yeah, that's smart. I just had an epiphany when I went over there about how myopic I was about all of it. And I went to Dubai to perform, and I went to the mall,

and I saw these younger girls that were in little, cute short shorts and a tank top, but then they had on the head scarf. And they were maybe, I don't know, early 20s. And that's Dubai. Dubai is a world of its own. 100. But also, when I went up to these girls,

I'm probably 25 at the time. And I'm like, I'm going to go rescue them. I'm like, are you guys OK? And they schooled me. They were like, we think American women are oppressed. You guys get plastic surgery. You have eating disorders. You guys wear makeup.

You guys get Botox. We have the head scarf, so we don't have to constantly be only for male consumption and for male approval. It did seem pretty scripted, you know? But they were also wearing, you're saying sexy clothing underneath. Well, it was interesting because it was this like, it was this very modern bottom half

and then very kind of like- Again, that's an outlier. It was like a mall in Dubai and you buy is like Vegas over there yes 100% yeah and then some of them told me because I did ask a lot of them not defending just trying to go to it's about some again this could be things to brainwash to believe it's for some protection and so that other men don't look at the husband's wife there's something to be said for that but that should be your choice women in this

country can do it, and they do. You can wear a scarf here, and you know, okay. Isadora Duncan, what great for her. I don't get that joke. She would remember, she was the ballerina that her scarf got stuck in a wheel, and she choked. I think about it twice a week. That's how she died?

Say this again, her scarf. As I say it, I feel like it was maybe a Kennedy that did it, but that's the story that is the going story. Do that with everything history related. You're like, or was that just the story? But yeah, that she had a head scarf and it got caught in the wheel of a car. It's the Illuminati combined with George Sor. You know, whenever I hear those names, whatever the trilateral commission, there are certain people who just

have to have some overarching enemy. I always just think of Thrush. You know Thrush? Too young. Man From Uncle, one of my favorite shows as a kid. They tried to make a movie out of it with Armie Hammer. Oh, nice. I love Armie. He was here.

He ate that roll up. Sorry. You know what? He's cool with it. He devoured that roll. No, he's like, Armie and I were in an acting class together. He is not a cannibal. I know, but it's like... I would only make the joke if it wasn't her.

No, exactly. But that's what I mean about like the same thing with J.D. Vance fucking the couch. As long as the people who write the shit, they know it's not true. I'm in Hollywood. I've done way worse things on a couch. They don't care. They just want to... It really is.

So growing up though, do you remember like the National Enquirer? I still read it. What are you talking about? I read all the tabloids every week. So like to me, I look at all the news like tabloids at this point. You know, I kind of look at it as... Yeah, me too. And I also have friends that are from Russia, that grew up in Russia, and they always level

me because they're like, they've never thought news was real. They've never been under the impression that anything in the news was real. They know that they're being hoodwinked. They know they're being manipulated. Like I asked one of my Russian friends, I was like, so does Putin have a double? And he's like, of course he does. Are you insane? Like what kind of leader of a big powerful country

wouldn't have a couple doubles? That would be so irresponsible. You know, like if he got sick or got, we'd have to have someone else because then everyone would think that he was sick and vulnerable. Like you can't not have a double. Like it was crazy to the end.

There's a great movie about that. Dave? Dave. With Kevin Kline. You're right. Remember? Like you can't not have a double like it was crazy to the end. There's a great movie about Dave Dave with Kevin Klein That you're right member, but I said a great movie. Oh Yeah, Dave was I don't remember but I don't remember being great but there is a great one It's called the devil's double. It's about Saddam Hussein's double obsessed or know that know this son Who day who say one of them? Yeah, right what who was like this horrible? I'm obsessed with Putin's clones. First of all, there's a guy whose only job is to scan crowds and looking for someone that looks a little bit like him so they could get the surgery to get him or whatever.

Like, what are they? Are they all hanging out? Are they in the same place? Like, if Putin's clones are in the same place, then they're all going to be like, oh, I'm obsessed with Putin's clones. I'm obsessed with Putin's clones. I'm obsessed with Putin's clones. I'm obsessed with Putin's clones. and looking for someone that looks a little bit like him so they could get the surgery to get him or whatever. Like, what are they, are they all hanging out?

Like are they in the same place? Like if Putin does have cancer, what do some people say? Are they all like, do you want some soup? Like do they want him to live? Are they trying to keep him healthy? They don't want him? Yes, the people closest to him want to keep him healthy because this is how dictators and autocrats stay in power.

They treat very well a small elite around them who then have the motivation to suppress the entire population at large because they're living well. Sure, sure. But also the idea of like, if Putin's going to get on a flight, do they all fake injuries because they don't want wanna be the one going on a plane. Like it just so- Like the plane's gonna go down? Like just dangerous situations. Like, oh God, I just, I don't know, I have a migraine.

He's gonna have to do it. He's a very strong leader. He's strong, he's strong with me. The guy fascinates me. I like it, remember, I think it was Poland in the early 90s. Russia shot down the Polish president and they put his twin brother in for a couple of years.

Oh yeah, he did have a twin. I love stuff like that. I think every president should have to have a twin. Only twins should be able to run for office. It's wild that there's just no backup plan. That's the thing about AI with me too, and this is just whatever Asperger's brain may be, when it's like, well, these photos are gonna be fake and video will be fake.

I'm like, everything's been fake. Like, we prefer fake. Like, I hope the moon landing was fake. It would be so crazy to spend all that money to, if you could just fake it and send the message to Russia we needed to send. That would be so irresponsible to send a bunch of people's dads to the moon.

You know we did, right? Well, yeah, sure, but it would make sense that they went, and then I'd hope when they went, they weren't focused on banking content. I've talked to Buzz Aldrin when he was drunk. He was there. They were there. It's only-

Your name is Buzz, you shouldn't get drunk. It's a little on the nose. At the Playboy Mansion, this was. Well, it's and never as a man Used the words I've been on the moon to try to get laid more than buzz Aldrin I mean he was video though of him like slipping somewhere and saying to a kid we didn't go or something Maybe I've never that sounds to me like a conspiracy theory I would like to clear two things up. Somebody made up, it's not that hard. You know how far away the moon is?

You have more miles on Delta. It's 250,000 miles away. I couldn't do it, but they did it. I cannot understand how they did it. And that was also in keeping with much more who we were in those days, which was people who were competent and everything wasn't partisan. And Kennedy was a Democrat, but when he said, we're gonna make this as a goal in the next 10 years,

we're not doing it because it's easy, we're doing it because it's hard. That should be like the meme of all time. We're doing it because it's hard. That is so distant from what this generated. But he didn't go. He stayed home and was sleeping with Marilyn Monroe. So I feel like, well, I guess for me,

I'm one of the few people and maybe this means I'm dumb or I get in trouble a lot because if I don't know about something, I will say like, I don't know enough about that to weigh in. Right. That's a great thing to say. I just don't know enough about that. They're like, well, you're not using your platform to speak up about it.

And I'm like, you know how crazy it would be for me to have an opinion about this? You know how insanely arrogant it would be for me to weigh in? So it's like, I try to just weigh in on the things I know a lot about. I hate the term using your platform. But what I will say is the people that do that, because I found myself when people like you're not using your platform. When people troll you and then we go, I went to their page and look he says proud dad.

I'm looking at this loser. I'm like, wait, am I trolling a troll? Wait, I'm worse. I'm worse if I now need to troll this person back, you know? It's like, you know, Howie Mandel said to me once again on the podcast, and he was saying, he's like, you know, when you do, like, Radio City Music Hall in New York as a comedian and you've got, like, 5,000 people coming to your show and it's sold out, and your name's on the marquee. But they pay your shit.

That. But the reality is 5,000 people are coming. Eight million walk by and saw the sign and were like, no thanks. That's great. Most people said no. So like this thing. That's so true. Especially today.

Where like 5,000 people in New York came to see me. That's no, that's literally zero people. Zero people came to see you. Right, if we rounded's literally zero people. Zero people came to see you. Right, if we round it down. Most people saw the door, they could buy, they could go, and they were like, no thanks. I know, the bus goes right by it. I used to get on that bus.

Someone walks by, passes it every day and said no every day, right? So they had three months, heads up, to make this happen and they didn't wanna go. So I think that we have this idea that everyone's supposed to love us. Since when do the entitlement of thinking everyone should agree with us

or everyone should want to see us perform or be entertained by us, you know? I used to wait right in front of Carnegie Hall every night for three years to get a bus to go to Catch Your Rising Star. The M30 bus came across 57th Street, which was near my apartment, and then it would go and then go uptown, which is what I needed.

Deposit mean like only a block from the club. I thought it was fate. And maybe this is, you know, I'm sure there's many other variables that could be isolated. We're in a recession, where, you know, weed is legal, whatever. People are working from home, whatever. But I feel like comedy is better than ever. I think with AI and all these fake verisimilitude online, I think people are craving real more than ever.

I actually think that AI is going to make people. It's like when people are like, don't you hate all these bad TikTok comedians? It's like no, it just makes good comedians seem even better. Thank you. Thank you for sucking. So people don't want look at like AI bullshit. So like, I guess I'll go see a comedian. They just wanna have real interaction, you know?

How is the clubs these days? What's it like out there? Well, in California. What's it like in the wild west of the clubs where I was a young buck years ago. What's it like out in the gutter that you still roll around in? Every once in a while, I go to the comedy store or the improv

and just they always say, you want to go on? I'm like, oh please, you're kidding. No. No, I have money. But I sit in the back and I mean, it is so much fun. I mean, you'll see like six comics. Like, none of them are terrible because it's not like when I started,

when they were truly terrible people. You know, they're all pretty good, because there's so many comics. So you're not gonna get a total... And if it's in the comedy store, they're not putting on it. Right, you know, some of them are not to your complete cup of tea, but they're not, they're pros.

And then, you know, there's often one or two where they're like, oh my God, you know, my stomach hurts, this person was just so funny. And like, yeah, you know, and. Well, because it's also, what comedy I think is all about, and this is part of for the people that were like, you know, the CNN thing that I did, they wanted to fight with me about it,

even though it's probably all bots anyway, so to even internalize it is mentally ill. But it's insane that we make so many decisions. You are crazy. We're fighting with bots. I mean, most of these things. So is the tension and knowing it's happening live. I think part of the reason so many people are getting

in trouble because of their tweets or a joke they tweeted, the whole point of comedy was it was supposed to be consumed at night. People knew they were going, delivered by a comedian. So if you just tweet something out there, the person you tweeted it to is delivering it for you, and it's at two o'clock in the afternoon. You don't know what the joke is sandwiched between.

It might be like, death hole Ukraine, and like, you know, kid dies in TikTok challenge, and then your abortion joke, you're probably not gonna do so well at 2 p.m. Like what are you doing? You can't read a room if you're not in the room. Do the joke in the club where you can't just run up to someone on the street and be like,

don't worry, like it's not meant for the internet. It's crazy, it's a live medium. You know what I'm saying? You can't ambush someone with a joke when they're, you know, at work. So, it's just context. It's a very simple thing. Just if you want to see comedy, go to a comedy venue.

It's not on the internet. And people still do. Yeah, but there's also stuff online where you'll see, that's not my cup of tea, but I'm like, yeah, this is good for like 11 a.m. while I'm at work, this silly. But it does look to me when I'm there, even when I just pass it on the street,

what's the one by my old apartment on Sunset? La Factory? Yeah. It does look like business is great. It's great. I think number one, obviously seeing more comedians online and promoting it has helped. Has subsided a bit the tension that used to be there about oh, I'm gonna say something un-woke,

and they're gonna do something. That's why people wanna come. All the cancel culture has just made comedians funnier. So it's ebbed, that shit. I hope not, because it... No, the people, the worry about getting ratted out. Well, I think that we've now seen that anyone that got ratted out became household names.

Shane Gillis. Shane Gillis. You know what I mean? Everyone that's gotten quote canceled, it was the best publicity of their life. Not everyone necessarily if you did something illegal or committed a crime, but I think that... Pop daddy's doing fine. It's so funny to me when people are blindsided

that someone did something illegal. I was always like, how come he keeps changing his name? There you go again, yeah right. So wait, now his name is P. Diddy. Like that's what you would do if you were a criminal when someone comes, P. Diddy doesn't live here. It's Sean John. I won't say I knew him well,

but I did run into him a few times over the years at events or parties. He was always- What color party? Not the white, no, not the big one. Like at the Oscar party, you know, shit like that. He was always... He went because he thought there'd be a young guy named Oscar.

Well, he was a little Trumpian, and he was like super charmed, you know, or you could see right through it, but it was still nice to have it happen, you know, and pretend he was your, it would seem like he was your best friend for two minutes and he would say, you know, you got, here's my number.

You don't well you off? And then you'd call him, eh. Nothing. Of course he wouldn't answer. It was like, why go to the trouble if you know you're not gonna. Cause you're a snitch. I didn't even want to do it,

but I just thought, well, if I don't, then I'm an asshole. He gave me his number and then like, then I'm an asshole if I ignore it, but I'm like. You should be an asshole, he loves assholes. That's his favorite thing, it seems like. So I did it and of course then I'm the asshole. It was like, either way, I was gonna be the asshole. It's fascinating to me the times that I feel like

something's fishy about people because. No, you got a good nose for that. I knew something was fishy about whatever his name is. When I was at some Hollywood party, I don't know what it was. And at least Prince had a real, Prince turned his name to a symbol so he could get out of a record deal. Yes. You know, there's a smart way to do it, but he just keeps changing his name every couple of years and we're just afraid to be racist.

So we're like, cool, this is normal. But it's like, so who trafficked? It wasn't Sean John. Exactly. What if he just gets off on that technicalities? It wasn't Sean Combs, it was Sean John that did that. It's like, you're going to bully someone with multiple personalities. I saw him at some party

that I had no reason being invited to. And he was with his wife at the time, Kim Porter, and I thought it was like- I don't think they were ever married, but yes, his long-time baby mama, among other things. I knew something was up. Right. Because he's dating someone the same age.

Well- No one finds out on? Guys like that, they have a very harem mentality. There's the harem and there's the mother of the children. And maybe the one, you know, a pimp would call it the bottom bitch, the one you can really count on. The six feet under bitch. The eventually going to be six feet under bitch. She did die, but...

The coroner, I believe, it's like, it's still unresolved, which is how she died. That is not what I've read. Okay. I've read that. I got my news from Alex Jones.edu. There you go. Where did you get yours? Here's the thing, when I go into a store,

I don't expect to want every article of clothing in the store. I can want this one and this one. If I see a shirt that I don't like, I'm not like, shut the store. I can want this one and this one. If I see a shirt that I don't like, I'm not like, shut this store down. I can take a couple shirts and go home. People's opinions, same thing. I can take a couple, leave the rest. The secret to getting along, which we forgot how to do in this country,

is to be able to be with someone who, like, on A, B, C, D, you're right there. And then on E, you're right there and then on E you're both like really? Yeah. You think and it's like and I've been in relationships where that became an issue. Like you try to forget it. You try to go like you know ABCD we're so, so, so there and then but you are in the clan. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a tough one, tough.

Whatever it is. And you can't. I mean, it's not that I was exaggerating. The things you can't let slide. You can't un-forget that, oh, wow, this person is one-fifth nuts. Yeah. You know?

But that's just a relationship. I would say a relationship is the place where you need to be five out of five. Right. Or else it's going to. But in society. Robot winning. And in government. Five out of five.

Four out of five is plenty. Okay. Well, government is so wild to me that people expect, maybe because I spent a lot of time in DC as a child and you would see politicians, you know, as human beings. Like you would see them like, you know, at a restaurant, like yelling at the hostess,

cause they were, you know, couldn't get a table. You're like, this is when you were in DC? This is when I lived in DC. How old were you? I was from, I spent all my summers in Virginia. I was there till about 10, then I lived in Virginia till about 15 and sort of went back and forth. What about DC?

DC, I went back and forth from DC, so I went back to DC when I was 15. So you were a teenager in DC? I was a young tot, and then yeah, 15 until 17. And were you going out to clubs and stuff at that age? I did every now and then, yes I did. At 15? Pretty young, yeah, yeah, pretty young. At 15. Yeah, pretty young, yeah.

Yeah, pretty young. Cute girls always get, you know, people, men don't care. They'll be like, come out to the club. I'm 15, I'll take care of it. That's how they are. Not me, but that's how they are. You know a lot of people that did all this stuff.

You're interesting because you're kind of an insider and an outsider at the same time. Very few people can do that. You know, I just have a real New Jersey knows for common sense. Like I feel like when it comes to middle class, we were like right in the middle. Not that, I knew kids who were like

poorer middle class a little bit. My cousins from Bergen Field, Bergen Field was South Bergen County, and it was a little rougher of cousins were from Bergen Field. Bergen Field was South Bergen County. And it was a little rougher of a community. It just was. And my cousins, for that reason, were way more sophisticated than me when they were in high school, which also meant trouble. And then there was absolutely, like where I went to a high school, Northern New Jersey, all these little towns, four towns, to make one high school of 500 kids. And the kids from Woodcliff, like, definitely richer.

It was just a richer, came later, you know, those were the kids, and you could just, they kind of had this, you know, sort of confidence in school that we didn't have. It's funny, even in high school, I kind of wasn't really even cognitively aware of why. And now looking back, I'm thinking, oh yeah, they were from the richer town.

The parents were, you know, it was just, and when I went to their houses, it was different than my little, you know, wonderful but middle middle. I remember going to someone's house as a kid and there was stuff in the fridge and I was like, what? Well, we had stuff, really?

Is this, I literally thought it was a store. Like, I was so confused. I mean, it's when you go to someone's house as a kid, that feeling. Your childhood, you didn't. I just mean when you're in a fancier place than you live in, you know? But food is not fancy.

You're saying you didn't have food? Well, okay, okay. Okay. No, really. I'm a deplorable till I die. No, it was very, growing up in alcoholic homes, it's very erratic. Like, there's no food in the fridge,

but there's like three bottles of fancy wine, you know? And like artichokes, you're like, what? So your parents were drunk. Yeah, you know, I feel like I'm not condoning alcoholism while willis-raising kids. I feel like it really not condoning alcoholism while Willis raising kids. I feel like it really prepared me for this time. I look at people that grew up in alcoholic homes as well, and we have these coping skills. I call it like trauma privilege, where it's like you're able to go like, okay, that may not be true.

This may not be true. I heard this story from this person and this from this person. It's, you know, like people that are being divided by their algorithms, you know? Like I was doing this joke last year about Kamala Harris before the election. Did you see those videos where she ostensibly was a little tipsy when she was giving speeches? How could you tell?

I mean, that was the problem. Because I was like, mommy, mommy. That was the problem with that. Yeah, one of the problems. But I was doing a joke about it going like, maybe this is what we need. What is scarier than an alcoholic woman with no children? Truly nothing. This is the level of fearlessness.

Imagine she's like drunk dials, Putin at 2 AM like, hey homo, like this could be good. And everyone would get it. Then I went to New York and it went like okay. It was kind of, and someone was like, I've never seen that video. I'm like, my whole feed is Kamala Harris drunk,

giving speeches, and there's other people that didn't even get it. So it's like we all had these bespoke algorithms. I almost feel like when we start talking to each other, we have to do like an algo check. But was it real or was it like faked? Because they can do that now. That's the other thing with the McDonald's hat.

Like there was some faked photo of her. It's unclear to tell. But even if she was, so if she was a little tipsy. Wouldn't you be? Right. I think Biden was a little more tipsy, literally tipping over. So let's just.

But so what? If she had said anything wild tipsy that was worth remembering, I would know that. So it doesn't, I don't care that, I mean, how these people run for president, of all the unapp- That's what's so funny to me, when people are like, the president is this.

I expect no politician to have emotional intelligence, or it's literally the president is a job that you want when you're five. It's like a joke job you want as a child. Yeah, because your picture's on fake money, play money. Like, it's like me, like, seriously as an adult wanting to be a princess. Like, for real, I'm going to be one. Like, that's your Meghan Markle.

Like, your Meghan Markle, your male Meghan Markle. If you want to be the president, like, what are we, five years old? You dork. Well, I did want to be the president, like what are we, five years old? You dork. Well, I did want to be a cowboy, I swear. That's cool. Then I wanted to be the president. That I'm into. Now I want to be an astronaut.

Go full. So I can get to the moon for the first time. Oh, that's why. So you've got to. Something we've never done. It's just like, who wants to be the president? Like, Senator wasn't enough, like mayor, like you had to go like full-on like I'm gonna rule the world like what a dork. I mean the things that they have to like explain when they are

trying to debunk something real like going to the moon like you know just like there's just a lot of parts of it that just you know, the capsule in the ocean, they just threw it there. It looked all burned, like it had been traveling through the atmosphere. And I'm not even someone who can explain to you why when you're traveling from space to the Earth's atmosphere, you go through this section

where it's like super hot and boy, you better have the heat shields on the capsule at the time. I don't get why that has to happen, nor do I care really. I mean, I'm not gonna do it. I think there's a point where so many things that you thought were true, you end up realizing aren't, that there's a point where you're like, let me just protect my psyche

and just have this like plan B belief. I went to a high school where there was a painting on the wall that where the Native Americans and the Pilgrims having like a fun dinner. And the Pilgrims were wearing hats with buckles and like long sleeve boots. And then the Native Americans were in diapers. It was like, this doesn't feel like the same weather.

This feels like, you know? And then later you find out, oh, that's why they gave him the blankets. Little things, I was told soy milk was good for you. For 20 years I was drinking soy milk, and now we all were, we thought it was healthy. Now half of my girlfriends had their tits cut off, half my guy friends have tits.

There's things you- Right, back up. Soy. Milk. But soy, which is from beans, right? Okay, soybeans. Sure. Right.

You gotta explain why they're bad. It's just like GMO engineered with hormones and messed with people's hormones. So it's fucking with people's health? Bad, yeah, soy milk's no good. I always avoided it. I never thought, it was like your thing about people. There was just something fishy about the soybean.

But then people, I'm like, well, they wouldn't have put it, it's like the food pyramid. You're like, oh yeah, it's a lot of bread and cereal. And then later like, oh, that was from General Mill. They made that. There's lots of things. I think being a parent also does it. Studies now, I have so many questions.

The study girls mature faster than boys. I was always like, yeah, that sounds true. Now I have a kid and I'm like, wait, who was the weirdo that wanted to study? Wait, hold on, hold on, this was a study? Where some guy, we just took some toddlerslers and was like, she's maturing, looks like she's maturing faster. Like how, who paid for this?

It was Epstein science endowment. Like I'm not, I can't. And then, and then by the way, do girls mature faster than boys? I don't know. I have a girlfriend, she's 45, she's still at Coachella. You just, you speak in material. It's so girlfriend. She's 45. She's still at Coachella. You just speak in material. It's so great. It really is.

Oh, God. That's can't be good. I mean, very few people can do that. I can't do that. I don't want to do that. It seems like such a burden. Well, you know, sometimes you'll go on someone's podcast and be like, why are we talking about our depression?

Does anyone want to hear people that can pay their bills talk about how depressed they are? No, I want to laugh. I always want to laugh. Yeah. Like comedians, they're like, wait, why am I hearing someone that makes $10 million a year talk about how hard his life is? This is a nightmare. Right before I go to sleep. What is happening with the dropper?

Obviously, tell me. I don't know. Cosby gave it to me. I've been using it ever since. I don't know. What is this? I'm obsessed with rich people just like tinctures. What is this? That is exactly with rich people just like tinctures. Rich. What is this?

That is exactly what it is. Jing? That is exactly what it is. Jing? Is this one of the pilots of the- I've been looking for a slogan for it. Jing. Rich people's tinctures.

Promo code. That's exactly what it is. Random. Random. Hold on. Jing? Bubbly water enhancer? Bell.

Bell. Well, it's really a rich people's tincture. You know, you call it what you want. Okay, we gotta get you back to relating to the common man. We do, why? American ginseng. I don't want it. Isn't that an oxymoron?

Is there such a thing? I've been the common man. The one thing China should be making we took from them? I'm not going back there. American ginseng root. What's this do? It's... I've got blue chew as my sponsor, so what do I gotta do to get ginseng root. What's this do? It's. I've got Blue Chew as my sponsor, so what do I gotta do to get ginseng?

What the, oh, there's the price tag. $40,000, it's 40991. What? Well, that's for the whole case. Ginseng ginger concentrate, dual extract. Did RFK send you this to cure autism? Your autism's never gonna be cured. Please stop You're never gonna write poetry gum

Said you had Asperger's stevia. I didn't say it. Everyone else said it the doctors Don't believe them, you know malpractice I'm getting a robot doctor who will not think I'm autistic because they're actually autistic. So what is this? So who what in? who will not think I'm autistic, because they're actually autistic. So what is this? So who, what in the? I can't even. Sorry.

I'm just, Dr. Oz sent this as a, is this like an enema? Why, why did you just do this in front of me? I mean, I'm just, I. I just wanted my drink. Do you know what it is? Of course I know what it is. Who gave it to you?

Now where did you get it? Is it, oh sorry, is it a sponsor? We love Jing here. Oh my God. Look, I'll tell you if you shut up. Impossible. It is. I got too much energy from this Jing.

I am just... By the way, this is the most racist thing I've heard on this podcast, way more than the pilots that crashed. Jing? Why is it racist? Why is Jing? Why is that racist? Well, just Jing? I don't get it. Neither do I.

It just sounds bad. Well. Was the $500 whiskey in your crystal glass not fancy enough? You had to add some ginseng drops? I didn't have kids. I can spend money. There you go.

Like all your money goes to kids. Okay. You got a kid now. I have a kid. How's that going? Masterful segue. I love comics so much. Okay. You got a kid now. I have a kid. How's that going? Masterful segue. I love comics so much. Beautiful.

How is it? But I meant to ask you, I'm glad it came up. After I was on your show, on Real Time, which by the way was a life goal of mine, thank you. What was it? Going on your show, Real Time was like a lifetime goal. Oh no. Thank you, but you're big.

Hey, so you don't believe women. No, I don't. Good to know. Good to know. Well thank you, I appreciate that. And after that, because I talked about, now that I'm a mom, I just sort of get why conservatives think about or talk about certain things.

Fox News was like, Whitney, now that she's a mom, is a conservative, I was like, ugh. Because what did you say? You said it was funny, and it was true. You used to not care about what? Now all I want to do is keep my kids safe. So I get why they want guns. Right, exactly.

Because I used to think coyotes, like, oh, they were here first. Now I'm like, let's make hats out of that. Let's kill them slowly to set an example to the other coyotes. Mama's instinct. I get it. Well, that's the thing is a lot of people that are anti-Gut know that some people do use. Well, that's a perfect example of what we were talking about before.

They know the truth is not what they write, but it's an opportunity to jump in there and go, Whitney's a Republican now. Sure. By the way, it's interesting because it's actually worse than that. It's worth Whitney's a Libra because I'm too left for the right.

I'm too right for the left. I'm too right for the left, I'm like neither of you kind of like want me. Good, that's right where you want to be. But I'm like, I'm used to being an outsider. I'm used, I was the goth kid. That's exactly where I am. You know? It's the best place to be.

And my thing is like, you know, it's worse, I'm not loyal. You know, I'm not even loyal to the NFL team. Exactly. I was, you know, I'm an Eagles fan, but when the Michael Vick thing happened, I was like, bye, bitch. I'm a Commanders fan now. Right, absolutely.

I will, as soon as your behavior is bad, I'm out. Because if I overlook your bad behavior, that's just a cult. And I was rejected from Scientology. Seriously? When I first moved here. You tried? Mm-hmm. You can get rejected?

I don't think so. I think I was maybe the first and the last. Wow. It's the same thing I wasn't invited to Ditty Parties. When you ask too many questions, they're not. There's something about- Also, you know what's interesting about being the hottie and saying all that is like, I stopped getting Botox and I feel like I look better than I've ever looked.

You look great. That's so nice. You look like you're on Ozempic. I'm not. I do take metformin, which is the- I know what that is. Or I've heard of it. What is it? It's no jing. Okay. But it's likein which is the know what that is. It's all I've heard of it. What is it? That's no Jane, okay, but it's like I don't know what it it's like a diet I say I don't

I'm so confident And then in a minute no I don't see that's that to me is everything I need to know about you someone who's able to say like I think it's this you know I'm wrong most people could never do that. Most people would dump it down. I pretended I saw Hamilton for like three years before I did. And then I was just like, I can't do this anymore. I don't like that I'm gonna go see it

and stop pretending I've seen it. You know? Yes, I did. I love it, I mean it's brilliant. I think it was David Mamet who didn't like it or walked out on it or something. And you know, it's like, or walked out on it or something. Okay.

And you know, it's like, first of all, it could be anybody, but especially since it's a playwright, you know, I'm sure, you know, I mean, amazing success in movies and plays. It wasn't his cup of tea. It's not a hate crime. I prefer things at this point. And that's the way it's treated. Like it's a hate crime. Like I haven- And that's the way it's treated. At this point. Like, it's a hate crime. Like, I haven't seen Hamilton.

I wanna see Hamilton. But if I don't like it, I don't wanna feel like I can't say that. I also think it's funny when it actually just sort of seems like someone gets a free pass to not like a black person. When someone's like, it's like a liberal gets to be racist for a minute, but it's guised in like, it's actually, I'm like, you just kind of get to be, like, hate's like a liberal gets to be racist for a minute, but it's guised and like,

it's kind of, you just kind of get to be like, hate a black person publicly, and you're like so excited to be able to do that, because then they think it makes them seem like they're not racist or something, you know? But to say like, I hate in Hamilton is like, huh! That's a big swing, that's a big swing. I mean, also, you know, it's also maybe not for you,

and that's okay. My thing with stuff that's really good is it stresses me out. I like things to just suck. I like things to be bad. Katy Perry's tour, whatever she's doing up there, I'm in. I like something that's just fun and silly that doesn't put pressure on you to have to be like,

the best thing you've ever, entertainment's supposed to be entertaining. I'll tell you something, Mel. I am not unchangeable. For example, there was a time when, if you did anything that was historical, and I mean, not just the 15th century, but the 1980s, it had to look racially like it was back then. Yeah. There was a New York Times.

Oh, sorry. It's a moth, it came out of my robots mouth just now There was a New York Times reviewer who got very mad at the movie 1917 which is an amazing movie one of my favorites Because there was no people of color in it. But it was World War I. There were no, I mean, I'm sorry that people of color, that we left you out of this horrible conflagration where millions- Maybe they wrote it in and no one would do it. Yeah.

Maybe they all said, no, we're good. But over the years, slowly they changed the rules. At first, and the rules being like, if there really wasn't, you know, a black person there, like they put Morgan Freeman in Robin Hood. Again, I don't know if like there was, and that's like Robin Hood is, you know,

the beginning of the- Imagine watching a movie and being like, are there any black people? Like, why are you going to see a movie? Like, it's so... Also, being a critic, we've put them on a pedestal for so long, and it's fascinating to me.

I think it is Oscar Wilde, check me on this, because I feel like there are a lot of quotes floating around, they can't all be is. Um, that's like a critic is someone that goes to the battle site where the war was won and shoots the survivors. Oh wow. Sounds like him. Before you can critique any movie,

you should have to shoot one, make, write one scene of a movie. Like you should have to have some kind of, you should have to have made one, you should have had to go through the studio process, you should have had to cast. You know, it's like when I did a sitcom, all these critics were like,

Whitney has a laugh track. I'm like, do you guys want to come to the show? Come and see the human beings. Actually, the shows that have a laugh track, How I Met Your Mother, but you're not criticizing. Like, you just don't like me and that's fine. Just say you don't like me. Right.

Don't make it about a laugh track. Don't make it about this, that I'm setting women back. Wouldn't you setting women back in the house that I paid for myself by being successful? Which is it? So if you don't like me, I think we need to bring back, I just don't like her. Or I don't think that's funny.

Don't say that it's like you're offended and you're taking some moral, just be like, it's not for me. Okay, but they're gonna kill me on the end. Who's they, what non-binary person? The Harpies, if I don't finish this about. Oh, sorry. So there was this time when they started to say,

okay, well, you know, Morgan Freeman really wouldn't be with Robin Hood, but we're trying to be more inclusive and cathy. It's because it has the word hood. It's actually racist. He wouldn't be in the hood. It didn't bug me, but it was like I noticed it. And slowly it just became, well we don't care at all. Robin Hood's deal? And that's Hamilton.

We're saying, we're not looking at race when we cast. So like, if Hamilton or, you know, or George Washington really was white, we can cast him as black because it's the person. And I'm like, at first I was like, that's weird because that's not what history was. And now I'm more like, okay, I can go with that one. You know what? I'm not inflexible. It's a little counterintuitive. And maybe like we should be able to teach our children, well, I'm sorry, but that's just the way it was.

There weren't black people in the medieval England. But you know what, I'll give you this, I'll go with the other one, because it's more opportunities, and also it is really about the person. And also, Santa's watching you. I'm always saying it should be more about the person and not the race.

This is that. So good. I just watched, oh, I was the PBS one about Cromwell and Henry VIII and Damien Winter. And oh, it's just so great. And they had a person of color as one of the persons his son is going to marry. And I guarantee you that didn't happen that way.

It's the 16th century, it's Henry VIII, but I'm all, but good, okay, let's, I'm all for changing where it's like, there's a good reason for it, and okay, it's not a perfect solution, but then you gotta give me something on the other side. You know, like, I wanna make deal, out a perfect solution, but then you've got to give me something on the other side. I want to make deals with both sides like that. That New York Times critic,

my guess is that person is also like, AI is going to make it so we can't tell what's real and what's fake, but you want fake. You wanted that to be fake casting, you want fake. It's fascinating to me when we decide we don't want fake. You wanted that to be fake casting, you want fake. It's fascinating to me when we decide we don't want fake. Right? So we need to have, you know, every cast in every movie has to be a black person in a wheelchair and an Asian person.

It's like, where would they have met? This is so wild. But it's fine, you wanna make, it's fiction, fine. It's allowed to be fake. But it's wild to me that people are like, well, AI is gonna be fake. It's like, everything's been fake already, everything's always felt fake. Like, it's wild to me that no one was really that upset

when our food was fake. Shouldn't that have been the, when they started making fake food that we eat. Fake food tastes good. And it was like, that's fine, but fake pictures were like, I don't know. I don't know. I mean, fake food is, I mean, I like diner food.

I mean, if I thought it wouldn't kill me, I would eat fast food. You know, if somehow they could look into the future and they would say, you're not gonna die from fast food. My grandfather ate it every day, lived to 80. I mean, who knows? I think it's also- Trump eats it, you know. I mean, who knows? I think it's also- Trump eats it.

I mean, it's- Kind of embalms you. I used to drink decaf coffee. Decaf coffee is made with formaldehyde. Drank for 15 years. I think I'm embalmed. I'm dead serious. People are like, why is your skin so good?

I think it's formaldehyde. I think I've actually been preserved. Is that the effect formaldehyde would have? Yeah, that's what whole, like you know when you, there's like- I know, they use it on cadavers. Mm-hmm. I've been dead for 12 years now. And I just think that it's interesting the things we choose to be scared of, because

there's something normalized that is so much scarier. I think we only focus on the things that we kind of can't control. Like, I'm fascinated by the fact that we're like scared of AI, but like bridges are just collapsing all over America. Like two just collapsed in Mississippi, the key bridge. And no one's like, should we, do you see so many? We never pay attention to the slow moving track crisis. Environment goes under that category and debt.

At some point, we can't just keep putting it on the card. I mean they've been saying it since, I don't know, Ross Perot in 1992 was running on the debt. We can't keep going on like we just have way too much debt. It was like 4 trillion. You know it's like, I don't know what the number is. May I? May I? No, I'm going to know what the number is. May I? May I? No, I'm gonna go to my other guests. May I? Well, look.

Yes. I think for most people that level of money just feels fake and feels like four trillion. It will feel fake when the market crashes. Sure. And there's like a depression. Sure, sure, sure, sure. You know, and we're gonna have one anyway

because AI is gonna take everybody's job. I know that AI is great, but. No, I'm not saying it's great, I mean. It is gonna take. It could take some dangerous jobs for sure. It's gonna take everybody's job. I mean, at first it went for the blue collar jobs, you know, like the Amazon warehouse.

The Amazon warehouse is mostly robots. But don't we think that, I heard actually, that basically now a lot of those jobs will be customer service for the robots and stuff? That's like saying we will need 2,000% more middle managers. We won't and never will. The Amazon warehouse, I've seen video, like it's a bunch of robots going from aisle to aisle. Now, before the robots, they had to hire a person to go find your hair scrunchies and get them and put them in a giant box with them. That's a plastic.

It's the most environmental disaster. Yes, it is pretty wild. It just is crazy. But the robot, and yes, do you need one person for every I don't god knows 50 robots to supervise them or whatever Yes, you need some humans, but it's gonna take everybody's job and then it now it's coming for the white-collar jobs It coding You know that that was a big thing. Just, you always work if you're a coder.

No, no, they got that one covered. I just don't, I don't see we, life being better long term because what they're gonna do that way and also the robot fighting back, robots are getting to that point. I mean, the most prescient line in all of Western literature is 2001, I can't do that, Dave, from 2001.

I can't do that Dave. That's what it's gonna be. It's interesting because- Just arguing with you, overriding you, because it knows better. Sure. And I- And thinks that's what it should do.

I'm sure you're right about all this. I just like to throw- Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't not agree with you, you're Bill Maher, but there's some things I'm noticing that give me a little bit of hope and that are kind of interesting because I see, and maybe this is just my algorithm,

that a lot of people like TikTok, whichever one wants to think is the devil, a lot of people get to sell their own little handmade things that they make on there. It's like QVC now. I thought that was Etsy. Etsy does that as well. Etsy is like my Amazon.

I do Etsy for everything. Everything I order comes wrapped in a diaper. The glitter comes out when I open it. It's all female-owned business. I only know it because it's in the crossword puzzle. That's not why. They need the letters. I will download the Etsy app on your phone.

You can get everything there that you could get anywhere else. And it's like, you might not get it... Really? If you order today, you might not get it yesterday, the way you get it with Amazon. I'm like, were you just waiting to, like, it comes so fast, I feel uncomfortable. I'm like, someone must have been hurt in this.

It's like when something's really inexpensive, like T-MU clothes or Fashion Nova. I'm like, I don't want my shirt to be $3. Western civilization will die of convenience. Of course. The convenience is so seductive. And yeah, I mean, and I like Jeff Bezos. I think he's a great guy.

I know him a little bit. But you know, it's amazing the way they go after him for this and this and this. But like, I mean, I've done things on it, but I don't see anybody picking up on that story that like, of all the environmental disasters, the way we shop to like, you know, buy six pair of pants, try them on at home, send back the other box, have people riding all over town with your pants. Shitting in bags to get there.

With your pants. Yeah, like we're all just kings now. Like, my lord, here's your pants that Shitting in bags to get there. With your pants. Yeah, like we're all just kings now. Like, my lord, here's your pants that you ordered an hour ago. The energy that it takes to drive and crate things and then uncrate them and send them back and all this bullshit. It can't be anything less than the biggest environmental problem. My question is, where did all the time we saved go?

Like Amazon, Postmates, Adourda. That's a great question. So OK, so you don't have to drive to see us in back, which have taken an hour. OK, so I think banking, online banking. So you run 10 less errands a week. Yes. Where's all that time?

Right. We're busier than ever. We could have like solved all of human. Shouldn't we be bored out of our mind 10 extra hours a week. Right. We're busier than ever. We could have like solved all human. Shouldn't we be bored out of our mind, 10 extra hours a week? Right. Where is it? And what did we do?

We masturbated and, you know, shopped. That's it. And scrolled gossip. We're addicted to busy, yeah. Over time, we have too much time on our hands to think. I think that running errands, doing chores, we gotta get back to that because otherwise you're just sitting there

with all this extra time going like, I don't know, maybe Trump's a clone, you know. Whatever. We have too much time to think. We have too much time on our hands. Before there was social media and internet and stuff, they used to ask people in surveys, if you had an extra hour or two a week,

what would you do? And everyone, of course, they were lying, half of them or most of them, but at least they do? And everyone, of course, they were lying, half of them or most of them, but at least they tried. And the answer, the most common answer was, well, if I had an extra hour, I'd spend it reading. You know, too little time because we're so busy, the kids and the job and this little league and this

and practice and blah, blah, blah. So, in fact, I'd love to have an hour. And then they got 10 extra hours and they didn't read. But also, I don't think any of this actually saves time. blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, I feel like I drew a better card being in the generation I'm in than the one you're in, even though I'll be dead before you. I don't know about that.

I think that I have some bad news for you. I think we're pretty much going to live to like 120 now. Do you see all these high performers? I love that you're just smoking weed on your podcast. I mean, the jing's a little off-brand, but all these guys are like, let's live forever. We're going to go cold plunge. And so I'm like, why would you want to live forever? I do but also what's the point of living forever if you spend all day in a bucket of ice? Like what cotton no, they're quick. No, of course. You couldn't be that but you know, Brian Johnson was here. That's his goal

I mean, you know, I mean I have a lot of things and he's a guy like them a lot and he is a good sense Of you and we're about what he's doing. This is where we differ Really? I just the measuring your erection with your son. No, no, no, I there's plenty of things I joke with him about and I agree, you know, he's a he's a he's a mindfield of Punchlines, I mean don't get me wrong. I am it is progress but men are shallow now too or that they're insecure what I like No, no, it's not about that It's about health. It's about the fact that this guy is at least putting I mean look he obviously I always say don't pity the Mortar they like their job. So he is

Sacrificing a lot it would be to me to get up and fucking go to bed in the 830 at night and get up exactly on time and only eat this shitty food. But he gets off on it. Okay. He's a smart guy who's on the absolute tip of the spear trying to find out things that I think are relevant information. Sure.

So I mean, I said to him, Brian, you're my new best friend because I'm going to call you. Because he doesn't have any. You are his best friend if I'm gonna call you. He doesn't have any, you are his best friend. If you met one. No, because like if I have a question about like, is this supplement and he will have more than anyone it has been in his interest to like find out these things. So I just think he's finding, he's a guy who's getting information.

He's like a guy who would go to explore know, to explore the depths of the ocean, not like that billionaire who took the Wienermobile, who took the Wienermobile down to the Titanic. You remember that? The Easy Bake Oven? No, there was this billion... Yeah, it was, what was it called, the Sequest. It was operated by a remote from Best Buy

that was for a Nintendo game. Is that really the name of it? Sequest? I am so obsessed with the Sequest. I'm so obsessed with rich people Darwinism, dying from skiing and orcas hitting yachts. Being a gold digger right now is the scariest vocation there is,

because you're like, is an orca gonna get me at Lauren Sanchez's bubble party? This guy that went down on the Sequest, the fact that, the fact that he could buy out the sphere to watch a 3D of Titanic footage, like James Cameron made. He did that?

No, he could have. Oh, he could have, yeah, right. The people in it, no one, see, this is the thing. Instead of going. This means no one, you have no friends and you are a bad person, because no one in your life was like, guys, this is too dangerous.

We got to just like set up. The guy that made it, this is why I think fake is good sometimes. They could have just put them in a thing, gone like a hundred feet down and had them be screens. We wouldn't have known the difference. The Sequest should have been a fake scam business. That would have been way smarter than really going down there to see the trash. But it's like these billionaires that die,

private plane crashes, stuff like that. It's interesting when you have everything in the world and you're just not enough. It's like Elon Musk going, I have everything in the world, now I've got to. I always say that. I always say that the biggest, dumbest thing you can do is have 99% and Obsess on the 1% and my example is always

the genius character lead in succession What's his name? I'm just don't remember. Jeremy Trump. No, no, no. Logan. Amazing. You know, what's his name?

Scottish. I don't remember, but I love him. He's so iconic. But forgive me, it's the pot. But anyway, the character, you know, he's always, you know, he's got every, he's a billionaire and he's always like, how long are we going to be circling? Yep. Before we land this private plane? in the air and he's always like, how long are we gonna be circling before we land this private plane?

And I know people like that who have almost everything and they just, they must want it, like they're happy when they're unhappy. And there's a word for them, New Yorkers. Goodnight everybody. They need their outside to match their insides because you don't become that successful because you love yourself become that successful because

you love yourself and you can be alone with your inner monologue. It's like when a billionaire has to be alone and the plane's not landing, he's like, oh no, I can hear my own thoughts, land the plane. I think when someone gets a lot of money, what I've seen is money's not enough, then they want power. It's like I have a lot of money now, and Elon Musk going in. Which- First you get the power, then you'll get the money,

then you'll get the women. And then, it was funny to watch Elon Musk go in there, and you're like, I am so for someone coming in and cutting out waste. Me too. And getting rid of the jobs that don't need to be there. The only person who shouldn't is the person who's replacing jobs with robots.

If there's no jobs, why are you replacing them with robots? You know what I mean? The guy who wants to replace all jobs with robots is not the person, how convenient. These business people think that they can do government. It's such a common theme, Reagan, to a degree. Though he wasn't a businessman, but he was an actor. But they just think, and America thinks,

well, we're the country of business. That's one thing about this country that's still great. It's like you can be born here or come here or whatever, and they don't cut down the tall trees. You can reinvent yourself every day and you can be a success and nothing is actually holding you back. Even though lots of people like to complain.

Yes, there are obstacles and some of them aren't fair, but nothing is really holding you back. No, I forgot why I got into. Except ketamine. Ketamine will hold you back. No, I forgot why I got into that. Except ketamine. Ketamine will hold you back. Whenever I'm like, is Elon Musk doing drugs? Only someone on drugs would invent a Cybertruck. That is for someone that drives drugs. He tweeted back at me when I did a joke about that last week. What did he say?

Well, just like he just thinks, you know, he just is like, I'm not on drugs. And I'm like, first it was a joke. And by his own admission, he's done drugs. I mean, just the way I do drugs. But I don't think he's a drug addict. And I don't think that had a hell of a lot to do with why Doge was a failure. They don't call it drugs. They call it medicine.

That's their work around in Silicon Valley. They're taking the medicine. Well, so do housewives in Beverly Hills. They're like, I'm taking, so do housewives in Beverly Hills. They're like, I'm taking ayahuasca to expand. It's so funny to me to watch all these people that lack empathy have to take drugs to try to manufacture empathy. They're all doing ayahuasca circles and their bufo and their ketamine.

It's like, now's not the time to get compassion. So you're not drinking. You don't drink. I don't really drink much. That's great. That's good. I don't really drink much. That's great. That's good. I don't do it much. Sometimes I will. I find that it doesn't make me smart.

You don't smoke pot. It doesn't really make me smarter, funnier. It makes me think I'm smarter and funnier, but then the next day I see that I'm not. When I look at my joke journal. I had a rock bottom when I opened my joke journal the night before I had been smoking weed and I was like, that's genius. The next morning I go and I had a red. You have all this energy naturally. I'm just asking., that's genius. And the next morning I go, and I had written. You have all this energy naturally.

I'm just asking. It's called fear, Bill. What does that mean? What are you afraid of? I had written, isn't it weird? So I'd given myself a catchphrase. Isn't it weird? Like in my head, I had shoulder pads and a blazer.

Isn't it weird that we cut down birds' houses to make bird houses? I thought it was the most genius thing. That is very funny. Imagine if I said that on stage. That's hysteric. It's actually very- And then I said, and then I had written,

what if every country has ninjas, but Japan just has the worst ones, which is why we know about them. Like I was like, I'm not funny or I'm not better. No, that's a good joke too. Stephen Wright could have done either one of those lines. And it would have felt. Totally. Yeah, that's exactly like a Stephen Wright joke.

I could do it like a Stephen Wright. It just makes me think I'm funnier than I sort of am. I definitely started smoking weed in the pandemic when we're all kind of just like at home. And I just, I think I already have a little bit of a, I wouldn't say manic, but sensitive disposition and high energy in it. I'm gonna do Steven Wright doing your joke.

Uh oh. And you tell me if you don't think it'll work. Cause I think it would have worked if he did. I'll pitch, sure. Okay. What did he sound like? Like, or Mitch Hedberg. How come we cut down bird's houses to make bird's houses?

Oh no, I didn't even say it. A plus. Or Mitch Hedberg, you could do. How come we cut down bird's houses to make houses for birds? Yeah, that's better. You just made it better. Well, anyway, it would work. Now, you must have known you always had it, no? What?

I mean, you must have been funny as a kid. Yeah. Nobody gets funny at 20. That's interesting, because I never thought I was funny. I was always being serious, and people would laugh. You must intimidate the shit out of guys. I don't know. Really?

I've heard that, but if you're intimidated by me, like there's something wrong with you. Well, there's, now you've hit on it. That's on you. Like, you know, I'm not gonna- But that's most people. Most people are not secure. You know.

I'm not secure, that's why I got funny and get validation from strangers for a living. Like what? Like you don't get to be the insecure one in this scenario. I try to make drunk people laugh that don't think women are funny. And you're still trying to get my dad down to love me. They're not drunk where you play now. Not always no high. But like yeah, when someone's like,

yeah, I'm insecure and you bring out my insecurities. Where are you going? Plug some of your dates that are coming up. You're always on the road? How many dates a year do you do on the road? Oh gosh, I used to do so many more. This year I'm kind of easing back into this new hour. I think I'm doing 40 this year.

I think 40 or 50. That's a good number. That's what I did my last few years was 40. I heard you were taking some time off from stand up. I'm doing 40 this year. I think 40 or 50. That's a good number. That's what I did my last few years was 40. I heard you were taking some time off from stand-up. I'm not never going back. Never? No, I always said I'm not making any announcement or anything, but I made it no secret. I have nothing booked for 2025,

and half the year into it, I'm really glad I did it. I mean, as much as I do miss it, it's also great to have my weekends here to myself. I get up now on Saturday and I'm like, oh, I'm glad I'm not chasing a plane. Always late for the sky. And I do love all the cities of this country that have been so good to me and all those years,

but I love here. You have to accept your different phases in life. And also, being able to do a monologue every week on real time when I start the show, that scratches the itch of doing standup, because it is standup, and it's actually a lot more, you know, these are jokes I've never done before. And you get to a point where, you know,

I love doing my act, but jokes I've done 100 times, it becomes a little like sex you've done 100 times. It's still good when they laugh. But, you know, it's just. You're hate fucking them a little, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, you know, I don't miss that. It's funny, I only ever did like Friday, Saturday, I mean Saturday, Sunday, because I was here always Friday doing real time.

So Saturday, Sunday, and like the first night, my act wasn't in my head enough. So I was like, oh, I could have been better because I didn't remember it, you know, and then the second night I was bored. Like, I went right from, I don't know it well enough to I know it too well. Like, I'm like phoning it in. Not phoning it in, but just like, yeah, I know that joke and I know how it works.

I think that also with how we've recently all had the epiphany that comedians aren't the only people that are funny, like some of the funniest memes I see, I'm like, that's not a professional comedian, that's not even a writer, that guy works at H&R Block, recently all had the epiphany that comedians aren't the only people that are funny. Like some of the funniest memes I see, I'm like, that's not a professional comedian. That guy works at H&R Block. Like who is this guy? Who wrote We Too Low?

Come on, give me a break. And so now you're like, oh, not only do I have this joke that I think is original, I have to tell it pretty quick because someone else might get to it. Is that right? Is that how you feel? That's how I see doing specials now as well. So I'll probably do another hour special soon

of just kind of evergreen stuff that's super specific to me but like stuff that's somewhat topical at all, I will shoot and like put on social media because I'm like, I haven't already, yeah. Cause if I wait six months, someone might get to this insight or someone might have talked about it too much or it might just feel like irrelevant or like an old clip.

That is one thing I never have to worry about. Like sometimes, you know, when I, we think of the editorial that I'm gonna do like Friday night, eight days before, we pick out the topic. And sometimes I think, oh wow, is somebody else gonna say this about, you know, Puff Daddy and Cassie,

that one that so many people wanted to talk about. Like, is somebody else gonna make this point? Nobody ever does. Interesting. Oh, interesting. It just, I worry about it and then it's just like, I'm like, why am I worrying about this? People just don't think that way. I mean, some people, and if they do,

they can't make it funny. Yeah, there you go. But usually they just don't have. You definitely go to places people are probably afraid to touch maybe a little bit, and that's a key to being. Or just don't think that way. Or just don't see it that way. Yeah, you got a lot of feedback on the Cassie being, you know. Or just don't think that way. Or just don't see it that way. Yep.

You've got a lot of feedback on the Cassie thing, huh? Yeah, but I mean, there was no there there, you know, to my view. I mean, it's like, yeah, the big feedback was, you know, Bill, the most dangerous time for a woman to leave is, time in a relationship is when she's leaving. Yeah, and the most dangerous time to get out of prison

is when you're escaping. But what is the alternative? So you're being abused, you're gonna have to leave at some point. Why is that relevant? Yes, of course. What's the alternative? Stay in the abusive relationship forever,

because that's the only alternative. So if you don't take into account that point, then we're just, you're just talking about your feelings. And I see, I'm, you know, with a lot of that logic. How is it having your child affected your love life? As Fox News, they... Is the father in the picture? Not with the father of my son, white trash, till I die.

And, you know, I... But on good terms? Great terms. Really? It's so great. It's actually so great. I just grew up around so much divorce and around so much acrimony.

I just didn't want to bring a child into... Drunk, your You're drunk. Your parents were drunk. Correct. I mean, just I didn't want him to see any of that. So I live in LA, so there's no fathers or husbands here, you know. So I've found, I mean, I was dating a girl before I met the father of my son. Really?

I don't think I'm gay. I just, the men in LA are so effeminate at this point that dating a woman is like the most straight thing you can do. So I was all over the place. And I had just kind of designed it. I was like, I guess I'm not having a kid. Like I didn't figure it out fast enough because I could never figure out the marriage part of it.

Like that always just weirded me out. Did you ever date a celebrity? I can't remember now. I'm too stoned. Peter Berg, director. Oh, I love him. He's awesome. I was just at a Laker game.

He's awesome. He's so awesome. I could see you two together. He's a smart I was just at a Laker game. He's awesome. He's so awesome. I could see you two together. He's a smart guy, very attractive, makes amazing movies. I mean, American, what was it called? They get better and better. The what?

The Primeval. He just did Primeval. He was a genius. And then he did Painkiller before that about the fentanyl crisis in West Virginia. He did The Kingdom? Yep. I mean, he's good. Yep.

So that was your boyfriend? Lone Survivor, yeah. And what happened there? You know, I was too young to understand, because I had grown up, when you grow up in an alcoholic home, you develop, like you're a parentified child, and you have to take care of the adults. Right. And so you don't know that when you become an adult

that you don't have to care take other adults. So I think I struggled with like, So you don't know that when you become an adult that you don't have to care take other adults. So I think I struggled with like, oh, I need to help you. I need this people pleasing stuff where it's like, Pete Burke, he's totally fine. I thought I had to help and fix. I thought that's what love looked like.

And so I just, it was just, I think chaotic because I wasn't just fully healed yet. And my mom had just had a stroke, my dad had a stroke. It was just, I think, chaotic because I wasn't just fully healed yet. And my mom had just had a stroke, my dad had a stroke. It was just a little chaotic. Yeah, I don't know him well, but he seemed like a real piece of work. He may have needed fixing. Okay, so you may have.

I mean, I was right. Don't get me wrong. You might have been wrong. And I like him. I know. It's like my love would have fixed him. I don't know why I was. I mean, it was like that thing when,

before you know it to just accept a man where they are, women are trained to go, I love you, now let's get to work. All right, let's go. It's like, what? That's what I was trained. That's what you're supposed to think. The level of man-hating that is like, you're 60% there.

Now, what is that? You know, here's your cologne and here's your manicurist. And then you're like, who are you? I don't even know you anymore. It's like, yeah, you changed. Yeah, because you changed me. I may have said this here somewhere to somebody, but I used to have this answer I gave when they asked me if I wasn't ever married, and I would say,

I don't want the government involved in my love life, which is still a good answer, but I recently thought of a better one, because women are a lot, period, and I don't have to explain more than that. I'm not saying men aren't, but I don't date men, so it's not relevant to me. They're just a lot.

I certainly can have the right to just say, I don't date men, so it's not relevant to me. They're just a lot. I certainly can have the right to just say, I don't want a lot. I'm willing to sacrifice whatever I'm. Here's what I'll say about that, is some women I think are a lot, but I think that a lot of the women that have that reputation are the ones that you. Girls without girlfriends are a lot, they're a problem.

There's two kinds of girls, girls that have girlfriends and girls that don't have girlfriends. And girls that have girlfriends, they're a problem. There's two kinds of girls, girls that have girlfriends and girls that don't have girlfriends. And girls that have girlfriends, those are the mentally healthier ones. You know, there's like this thing now where girls will brag about being like, yeah, I just, girls are jealous of me. I'm friends with guys.

You're like, what? You think we don't hear that? That's what I'm saying. So like girls that have girlfriends, they get their emotional needs met at other places. They get humbled. Like girls that have girlfriends, they get their emotional needs met at other places. They get humbled. Like, girls that have girlfriends,

they don't talk about astrology. Like, we don't play that shit. Like, if one of my girlfriends was, you know, like, the mercury's in retrograde, I'm like, no, bitch, you've always been dumb. This is not mercury. You've never been able to find your purse. You're an alcoholic. You're not a Scorpio.

Well, it is mercury, but it went to your brain. Yeah, exactly. It's the mercury from all the sushi that the rich guy paid for that now you're not a Scorpio. Well, it is mercury, but it went to your brain. Yeah, exactly. It's the mercury from all the sushi that the rich guy paid for that now you're stalking and driving around his house. So we don't, so like Ryan Reynolds just lost his, seems like he took a big public hit because he married someone that's not a girl's girl. Girls, girls, you don't have to worry about,

but the girls that don't have girlfriends, they're a problem. That's a crazy story. They're a lot, because they come to you for all their emotional needs, whereas I'm in a relationship with someone, I'm like, oh, I'm gonna go hang out with my girlfriends. I'm not gonna dump it all on you.

You're not gonna hear anything about how upset that thing made me, because it had nothing to do with you. I'm gonna vent with my friends. What do you think of that whole Blake Lively thing, co-host on WJM Morning Radio? What do you think of Blake Lively saying co-host on WJM Morning Radio. What do you think of Blake Lively? I just think blondes are unstoppable. I feel like she looked like she was going down for the count and then got saved by that

ruling from a judge who came out against him and then suddenly the narrative was just like completely flipped. Blake went like this, there's no nuance in these assholes the way they write it. Just like she won, he lost, everything we heard before, it doesn't matter. And this is one guy's opinion, one judge. Defamation is really hard to prove. Right. It's really hard to prove lost income over defamation and blasphemy or slander or whatever it was

because I think it was about also to Ryan Reynolds that he based a character on Deadpool. I think his lawsuit with Marvel or whoever is still there because they based a character on him and that's his intellectual property. Oh. Like they based the annoying guy in Deadpool on Justin Baldoni.

That's his point. The whole thing was about that he was sticking his tongue in his wife's mouth. That too. That too. Also that. But that's Hollywood, baby. The judge was just like, it's Hollywood, baby. I don't know. My thing is like, you're all actors. Can you act like you're adults? Can you act like you can shoot a movie? If I was a regular person out there, luckily I'm here and not regular at all, I would be so disappointed that even the movie stars, their marriages are no better. They're alliances. They feel like alliances.

They have these petty jealousies. And it's like they act like, I mean, you're Ryan Reynolds. You can get any chick in the world, but you're obsessed that some guys doing a movie with... He broke up with Alanis Morissette. That's all I need to know. Oh, that was a long time. I know. I'm just saying, coolest person on the planet to me. And I'm like, if you couldn't make it work, to me, Alanis Morissette is fine.

Because you were a teenager when her songs were... Oh, yes. I'm obsessed with her. Also, why didn't it work out with Scarlett Johansson? She wasn't good enough for it. I think it's because you were a teenager when her songs were... Oh, yes, I'm obsessed with her. Also, why didn't it work out with Scarlett Johansson? She wasn't good enough for it? Like...

You don't know what people are like behind closed... I know exactly. You don't? I'm a witch. That may be true, but when you're a good witch, you're a funny witch, I'll tell you that. What I'll say is, like, I actually take a lot of pity, and I'm the person always getting struggled when I make excuses for someone's behavior on a set

or whatever, like if Blake Lively was, if she was triggered by something he did or upset. When people haven't had real trauma, little things that may not be traumatic to you probably are traumatic to them. And I have a girlfriend who's like hardcore nepo baby, you know? And like, I have a girlfriend who's like hardcore nepo baby, and she will be like, I'm in traffic and I can't get there. So I'm just going to turn around. And I'm like, cool. I'll talk to you later. And she's

like, I feel like you're not being sensitive. And I'm like, literally everyone that is in traffic around you is in $40,000 of debt and doesn't have health care. And you think this is, this might be the hardest thing that's ever happening actually. So now imagine you're a guy in a relationship with a girl. Don't have to imagine, okay. Right. Not that I ever would be, but when I was like 30 I might be. Because when you're young you put up with anything. You know, first of all you have to.

But also some guys love that. You're kind of a rare case. A lot of guys love rescuing a girl. I call it emotional pedophilia, because I'm like, this person is emotionally a child. And you're like, I'm gonna rescue her, and she's in debt, and she doesn't have a place to live. I'm like, can you handle the homeless problem then?

A lot of guys like to feel needed. It makes them feel powerful. I, yeah, absolutely. A lot of guys love a lot. They love a mess. It's an adrenaline addiction. It recreates their childhood circumstances, like mommy, mommy. No, yeah. A lot of guys love a lot. They love a mess. It's an adrenaline addiction. It recreates their childhood circumstances like mommy, mommy. I know.

I never liked it. I put up with it only because I was trying to get laid or because I was with a girl and thought, oh, I'm never going to get anybody else. Or not as good, you know, like, so like I better stick with this. So I put up with shit, so I put up with shit. But it's not like I liked it. Do you think they sensed on some level that they, I do think a lot of times we're always trying to figure out

if we're safe or not, and we're testing. Do you think on any level those women sensed that you were like, ah, I'm not really into this person anyway? I was totally in. OK, and their personality ruined it. But no. I mean, but there was much more to put up with.

As you get older, it's one of the great things about aging. There's bad things, but one of the great things is you put up with less. I mean, I put up with shit I didn't like so much more. Like someone going through your phone. At 20, 30, 40, every one I could say, oh, now I'm almost 70, at 70,

I put up with nothing I don't like, nothing. And really I've only known two girlfriends in my life who, where there was nothing I had to put up with. No notes. Right. We don't know fighting. No. You wanna know something crazy?

Crazy. Well first of all, number three is my robot. No fighting. Yeah. Women got this message, I don't know where this came from. And I had a guy explain to me how insane it was that I had this belief system, which is like, oh no, you date me when you want like a challenge.

Like, oh, you want a girl who can like give it back to you and give you shit. Like that's a rumor that was going around. They're saying that about you? No, there was a rumor going around that like men like strong women or something. A rumor. I know that's what I'm saying. So you. No, there was a rumor going around that men like strong women or something. A rumor. I know, that's what I'm saying. Who told us that? I don't know where it came from.

It's unclear. That's like chemtrails. It's just ridiculous. I was dating this guy. This was 10 years ago. I was kind of like, and then what, and then what, and then what? He was just like, what is all this? I was like, well, I'm the one you date when you want a challenge.

And she was like, he was like, what man would ever want a challenge? And I was like, oh, I thought this was how I show you I love you, or I'm showing I'm investing, or this is relationship take work, and we're working. Like there's all these like weird little. Some do, some guys like a challenge, but it's usually like the pretty boys.

Because it just comes so easy to them. So that, you know, where's... Or like the sex is... they fight so they have the makeup sex. It's like, you can have good sex without it being makeup sex. Sex, all of the terms are like, I'm going to beat it up. They're so violent. Are your parents still with us? No, no, no.

Both had strokes and died. That's okay. I mean, but they... My mom lived for 10 years in a facility, No, both had strokes and died. Oh. That's okay. I mean, but my mom lived for 10 years in a facility, like not being able to function. So I think someone like me goes, I would love a robot who can like hand you a drink. Oh, I see. You know what I mean? I'm like, ah, God, I have to drive all the way down the nursing home to like unscrew

her water bottle. Like, can we get a robot in there? You know, so I think that when you've been in the medical care system- That will happen sooner than later. I think God Neuralink didn't exist. They're like, we're going to have stroke victims talk. So my mom could be like, honey, more lip gloss. I don't want to hear what some people don't want to know what their toxic parent has to

say. But they will fight. They will be fighting back. They will be fighting back. They're going to get you the drink, but I mean, already, already, I'm afraid and other people are afraid to talk shit around their AI. Oh, that's why you gotta throw them off the trail.

What do you mean? You don't do that? Oh, oh, Bill. So if you have an Alexa around you or something, because you know your insurance company, everyone's list. I wouldn't, but yeah. Well, you have to just be like, you know,

Alexa, how much kale is too much? Like you have to say things to throw it off that aren't true. I hope this is a bit, because I hope that we're not really living in this world where you're putting on airs in front of a fucking robot. Yeah, but all the information is going to go, you can't be like, Alexa, order cigarettes. We're gonna have to go back to buying drugs and cash.

You can't do- You just not have Alexa in the house? That would be my cue. I don't have an Alexa, are you insane? No, I am. Of course not. But many people do. Yeah. And you think this is what they do.

That was my suggestion when people were like, I'm whispering, people come up, they're like, yes, that guy, that's a little one. They do? Yeah. They do that? Yes, to around Alexis. I'm like, this is mental. What else do the common people do?

You got to tell me. I see them getting this long thing. The common people don't give a shit about like, take my data. What do you, take my data? Yeah, they don't care. What do you even do? They don't care about that. Dude, they still, there's still a book with everyone's phone numbers and home addresses.

No. They would just leave it at your house. Yeah, but most people, at a certain point. Phone book, we had that for years. At a certain point when the phone book was still coming, it was near its demise, but cops were still using it to beat suspects. But there was a point where you'd get the phone book,

and it did have numbers. But anybody who was anybody was unlisted. Sure. Yeah. Fair. I just, this whole thing of like. If you were still in the phone book, you were. But also, when people.

You were a loser. When people. Yes. But there were some that was just like, Brian. You're like. If you were still in the phone book, you were waiting for a loser. When people, yes. But there were some that was just like, Brian. You're like, who's this Brian guy? But you really were. But also, I feel, maybe I'm just the kind of person who publicly broadcasts my worst decisions so I don't have to be worried about my private decisions.

There you go. Because it's like when you see somebody who's like, the Alexa, I'm like, you just posted yourself doing Kratom on Joe Rogan's show, the biggest show in the world world and you're worried about privacy In your home like what's going on over there? You know like you don't want like now that you have a kid you do care about privacy I bet like photos of him. I do get anything back

I mean you shouldn't you know a kid should not be brought into that and You don't think what we used to do was worse? We would take a child to Olin Mills in the mall to take a photo with some weirdo? We did what? I didn't do this. What are you doing? Your parents never took you to Olin Mills? In the mall, there was a photo studio where you would take a kid.

My dad was never in a mall with a parent. I can honestly say. They would put us on Santa's lap, who was some wino at the mall, and take a photo. I feel like taking a photo at home and putting it on the internet is the least weird thing we've done with kids and photos. Dude, my dad used to have... Do you remember Take Your Daughter to Work Day? Yeah, sure. They still have it, don't they?

So you're just going to parade us around at your office? That's not weird? It was a way to try to encourage girls to see that, I mean, this is going back some decades. That all of your dad's friends are creeps at work? The workplace is for women too. Thanks so much. I know, but we were coming out of an era where women didn't generally work like that. You know, I mean, you've seen mad men.

That's right. Like, can we work from home? Like, we were parading around Dad's office as a kid. No, this is the Mary Richards era. Uh-huh. You know, working women, I mean, there was a moment in American history where that was kind of like, oh, a working woman. It's like, he's a doctor. By the way, it's literally like porn searches. Like, ooh, really boss lady? Ooh, she works in the office. Like, what? It's like a sexual fetish. Like, oh, really boss lady? Oh, she works in the office.

Like, what? It's like a sexual fetish. That's how, not seriously, it's taken. Yes, I notice on PornHub, I mean, I hear, there's a category, like, the categories, and I don't look at anything weird. I'm just not, I'm not bragging. I just don't have fetishes like that.

But just like the regular menu, as everyone knows, a lot of stepsister, like it must be because there are so many broken homes and so many brothers, steps, that this is a, okay, I get that one. Then this one, like real estate lady showing a house. And it's like, it's like this apparently is a big thing. And of course, you know, blows the client, I guess. Horn is a fantasy, and what's a bigger fantasy right now

than being able to buy a home? And get blown while you're doing it. I mean, I Bought homes. I've never been blown while I was in the Selling you're buying people watching like I think he's gonna buy a house get this blowjob out of here What's the price like it's you know, something you're never gonna be able to achieve. Okay All right We're out of here. Okay. All right, I'm gonna. Oh, we're outta here, okay.

Okay, let's go. I can't. Do we say goodbye and that's your show? Oh, did you wanna plug dates? Jing.com. No, no, where are you gonna play? No, I don't care at all. What cities are you going to?

Here's my thing with that. What cities are you going to? Arkansas, Virginia. Wait, Arkansas's not a city. Oh, sorry, that's a state I'm going to, too. But here, Alabama, Arkansas, a bunch. But Arkansas's not a city. Oh, sorry, that's a state I'm going to, too. But here, Alabama, Arkansas, a bunch. But here's what I'll say. With all this, I'm like, you know how to find me.

If you need me to tell you my show, don't come. If you can't figure it out yourself, please don't come. You're one of the eight million passing the marquee. Or like, you're not gonna be able to find parking, you're gonna be the person that heckles. Like, if someone needs this much help, like, you know where to find me, you know what to do. Not exactly a publicist's dream for plugging things.

I'm just saying. I can't like, subscribe, smush the like button, I can't do, I'm one of the comedians that still has shame. I believe in shame, I am pro-shame, there are some things I do not wanna heal, I would like to stay ashamed. I cannot in shame. I am pro-shamed. There are some things I do not want to heal. I would like to stay ashamed. I cannot do it. If you don't want to see me, good...

I mean... Don't. Don't. I do. Thank you. I still love playing those dates. The redder the better. The best. Thank you so much for my present. You're welcome.

Oh, she has a lazy eye. She has Bell's palsy. That's tough. Oh, she got too many boosters. Yeah, we're going to need to brush her up. Hey everyone, I'm Carlos and I'm the host of Jumperjump Podcast. Prime Day is coming from July 8th through 11th. It's four whole days of epic deals on Amazon.

Have you ever had your eye on something for a while? Maybe some new noise canceling headphones, an amazing new camera, or that one tech gadget that you've low-key been stocking for months? Well, get ready because Prime Day is coming. Mark your calendars, set your reminders, and shop great deals this Prime Day, July 8th through 11th. Trust me, you do not want to miss this.