Crime in Sports - #103 - More Stabbings Than Medals - The Daringness of Matti Nykanen

Episode Date: January 22, 2018

This week, we look at one of the most self destructive, maniacal & absolutely disastrous human beings that has ever existed in the world of sports crime. He was practically a God in his country for his Olympic heroics, then he devolved into domestic violence, drunk brawls, stripping, releasing pop albums, and not being able to stop stabbing everyone around him. He's wild, crazy, and so, so much fun!Get a job on a celebrity phone sex line, get yourself on a postage stamp in a foreign dictatorship, and stab a close friend over a game of "pull my finger" with Matti Nykanen!!Check us out, every Tuesday. We will continue to bring you the biggest idiots in sports history!!Hosted by James Pietragallo & Jimmie WhismanDonate at...patreon.com/crimeinsports or with paypal.com using our email: [e-mail] all the CIS & STM merch at crimeinsports.threadless.comFor Tickets To Upcoming Live Shows...BOSTON:Feb 18Crime In Sports:https://www.ticketfly.com/purchase/event/1589056?_ga=2.84751449.1576137293.1510029131-53581790.1510029128&__utma=1.876925325.1510029128.1510029128.1510029128.1&__utmb=1.2.10.1510029128&__utmc=1&__utmx=-&__utmz=1.1510029128.1.1.utmcsr=yahoo|utmccn=(organic)|utmcmd=organic|utmctr=(not%20provided)&__utmv=-&__utmk=255437192Small Town Murderhttps://www.ticketfly.com/purchase/event/1589061?_ga=2.53771112.1576137293.1510029131-53581790.1510029128&__utma=1.876925325.1510029128.1510029128.1510029128.1&__utmb=1.2.10.1510029128&__utmc=1&__utmx=-&__utmz=1.1510029128.1.1.utmcsr=yahoo|utmccn=(organic)|utmcmd=organic|utmctr=(not%20provided)&__utmv=-&__utmk=255437192DETROIT: Feb 16 Stand Up Show w/ Dan Cumminshttps://www.ticketweb.com/event/dan-cummins-james-pietragallo-the-magic-bag-tickets/7823825?pl=magicbagCheck out or site: truecrimecomedyteam.comAll web support by Web and Writerwebandwriter.com or Facebook.com/webandwriterContact us on...twitter.com/[e-mail]/Crimeinsportsinstagram.com/crimeinsports   See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Wondery Plus subscribers can listen to Crime and Sports early and ad-free right now. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Looking for inspiration? Craving something new? When you visit Audible, there are endless ways to ignite your imagination. With over 750,000 titles, including bestsellers, there's a listen for every type of listener. Discover all the best in audiobooks, podcasts, and originals featuring authentic Canadian voices and celebrity talent like Brendan Fraser and Luke Kirby's latest sci-fi adventure, The Downloaded.

A first listen is waiting for you when you start your free trial at audible.ca. Each week on the Mr. Ballin Podcast, now available wherever you get your podcasts, you'll hear strange, dark, and mysterious stories about inexplicable encounters, shocking disappearances, true crime cases, and everything in between. So go listen to Mr. Ballin Podcast, strange, dark, and mysterious stories on Amazon Music or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello and welcome to Crime and Sports. Yay! Yay indeed, Jimmy.

Yay indeed. My name is James Petrigallo. I'm here with my co-host. I am Jimmy Westman. Thank you folks so much for joining us again on another amazingly exciting and exhilarating edition of Crime and Sports. God, are we pumped, jacked as usual. Every week.

A couple of things to go over before we get to our moron of the week here first of all crimeinsports.threadless.com is where you can get all of your crime and sports merchandise all of your cups and and shirts and mugs and and uh bath mats and you name it we have towels you name it blankets it's there all the sayings all the got a fucking shower curtain we have shower curtains. It's crazy. You can have a shower curtain that says, you, sir, may fuck off on it. So go there.

Get your merch right now. Live shows. Boston on February the 18th, 4 p.m. at Laugh Boston is live. Crime and Sports. Yes. Get your tickets right now. You better hurry up. Better hurry up on those.

And 1 p.m. Small Town Murder also has some tickets left. 7 p.m. Small Town Murder is sold out, which I'm happy to say, honestly. That's good there. Also, guys, thank you guys amazingly, immensely for all of your Patreon and your PayPal this week.

It's been incredible. Thank you guys so much. If you want to make a donation, we appreciate it more than you could know. You can do that at patreon.com slash crime in sports. Every penny counts and every penny is amazingly appreciated. It's the coal that keeps the train moving.

We can't tell you what it means to us. And if you want to do a one-time donation, that is no problem. You can do that over at PayPal using our email address crimeinsports at gmail.com. There you go. And like we said, every dime is, we're overwhelmed by it. It's ridiculous. Appreciate it isn't even the correct word for it.

We're overwhelmed by it. If I could physically do backflips, I would do that. Yes. And if you can't do any of that, but you still want to help the show, you can do that also by going to iTunes, and you can leave us a review. That also helps us out immensely. Give us five stars. It doesn't matter what you say. Tell us you're following instructions, following directions. It's not

for us. It's for iTunes and their funky little chart algorithm that they have. We have nothing to do with it. Nothing. We wouldn't care either way. Honestly, we wouldn't care, but we have to care for this. But never mind all of that, guys. Hope you enjoyed last week. Hope you enjoyed Travis Smith's Insanity. What the fuck? That was a crazy story. That was a story kind of unlike any we've done before because it was weird. It's a biological warfare. It's a biological warfare. We haven't had any of that yet.

His crimes aren't technically illegal things, but they are in terms of what he was with. It's very strange. If you know, then it's illegal. If you don't, then it's not. Yeah. It's still shitty. If you're driving, it's not illegal, but then if you have booze in your system,

then it becomes drunk driving and it's illegal. The activity you were doing wasn't necessarily the bad thing. It was your condition while doing it. And that's what Travis had, except not with driving with his penis. So it's very interesting. Listen to that episode. It's super unique.

Today's episode is insane by the way i had friends who not necessarily friends but people asked me what i do and i i told them that i do i do my side work and then i'm also i also make podcasts and then they asked what the podcast was and i told them what it was and then told them the the description of last week's episode a man played football and gave some people some A's. And they're like, what? We get that a lot. Just go listen.

And this is the thing. Today we're going to have, this is one of the craziest episodes so far, by the way, today. It's going to be crazy. And this guy, if we do an equation, as we like to do our math, this guy is Ben Cousins plus Joey Barton divided by Edwin Valera. Oh, great. That's what we're dealing with here. That's gold.

That equals a big pile of gold. Not for the people in their lives or surrounding them. A big pile of something. And this is an unknown person, again. And guys, we hear you when you say, oh, when are you going to do Chris Benoit? We're going to do Chris Benoit. Okay? We've all asked for it.

We get it. We're going to do it. All right? We're going to do all of these famous cases. Aaron Hernandez is coming. We get it. War Machine Chris Benoit. Right. We've all asked for it. We get it. We're going to do it. All right? We're going to do all of these famous cases. Aaron Hernandez is coming. Chill out. We get it. War Machine on the way.

Right. Trust us. There is a finite amount of criminal athletes. Right. Okay? We're not skipping anybody. We're going to get to every single guy who's ever done enough to warrant us to talk about him for two hours.

Every single one. So don't worry about that. The thing is, we like to like to find this is the thing we could do i could do this i could say we're going to do aaron hernandez this week we're going to do war machine the next week we're going to do i could line them up right to where we could fucking spike our listens like that and we're not doing it on purpose because we're doing what we think are good stories and me personally and longevity i want you guys to have fun listening thank you we'll we'll get to all of those. And also

we want different stories. Do you want to hear the same thing over and over again? How many times can you hear about fucking OJ? How many times? You know what he did, right? Chris Benoit. You know what he did? Yes, you do. You know the story already. Yes, we'll make fun of it and we'll all laugh about it in our own way. That's fine. And we appreciate that you want to hear the story from

us specifically. But we also want to give you different things that you've never heard before like this guy today okay you would have never known he existed and he's as crazy as any anybody we've ever fucking got i just called him ben cousins do you understand he's the finnish ben cousins this guy and he is a finnish he's finnish we're going with maddie enzio nikanen. Okay. Okay? By the way, you're going to have— Never heard of that. I already know. Oh, I pronounced everything wrong.

Yeah, because Kat O'Jala is going to love this because she's Finnish. Yes. And she's going to fucking hate us. This guy's like Michael Jordan in his country. Great. He's like the most famous athlete. We'll get to how famous he is in his country, but he is the preeminent athlete possibly of all time in his country. Whenever we do foreign episodes, and it's a sport we've never done before, too.

Really? We don't know shit about it. Okay. We ask that you find our ignorance charming. That's what we do. Play darts? No, but I have dark guys, too. I have two dark guys ready, locked and loaded for the future.

Fucking awesome. You know that shit's coming, guys. Come on. But this guy here, yeah, it's, like I said, it's a different kind of a thing, basically. He's a Finnish guy, Matty. By the way, I'm going to pronounce everything wrong. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nothing will be pronounced right. Oh, I assumed that already. And it is so hard to find Finnish pronunciations, by the way. They're the ones that do the dots over. Everything. It's ridiculous. Fucking dots over everything. It's ridiculous. Fucking dots over everything. And then also the pronunciations,

unless it has an audio pronunciation, it doesn't really tell you how to pronounce shit. It's really difficult. But the best I can do is Matty Nycanon. Okay? That's the best I got. Sorry if I fucked it up. You know who I'm talking about. Matty. M-A-T-T-I.

So, Matty. He isA-T-T-I. Oh, okay. So Matty. Yeah. He is born July 17th, 1963. Like I said, he is the Finnish Ben Cousins. Okay. That's all he is. You know what his motto is? Oh, boy. He's got a motto.

Of course he does. This guy is a quote machine. He says crazy shit and never stops saying it. Awesome. He's like Yogi Berra if Yogi Berra was on drugs. You know what I mean? Odd pieces of wisdom that are just muddled down by too much alcohol and just a disastrous ego. The ego on this guy is incredible.

His motto is, you know, Ben Cousins' motto was such is life. His motto is life is life. Well, what the fuck does that mean? That doesn't even make sense. I understand maybe in Finnish it's possibly that translates to something that means a little more than life is life, but the direct translation is life is life. Well, fucking what else is it, you dipshit? Absolutely.

He was born in the worst-looking name of a city I've ever seen in my life. Fantastic. Let's spell this, okay? J-Y-V-A-S-K-Y-L-A. And there are umlauts over three different letters. Two, I'm sorry. I'm not trying. Jyväskylä.

Jyväskylä. Jyväskylä? Jyväskylä, Finland? Jyväskylä, Finland he's born in, guys. Come on. Fuck, man. Patreon.com slash crimeandsports just for my sore head when this is over. Holy shit. This town is about 139,000 people.

It's kind of a smaller, not a huge city, but in Finland, it's not a lot of people there also. It's the largest city in the region of central Finland and on the Finnish lake land. Oh. The Finnish lake land. Oh, boy, here. Sounds like a swamp.

Yes. A poet or a writer gave the area the nickname the Athens of Finland. Oh. Which, yeah. Athens, Greece, and- Because it's a large educational center, this town. So it's a lot of education.

There's a lot of philosophers in Greece. I was going to say, not just ass-fucking. Right. Okay, because I know that's where you're going. Everybody fucking each other. Was there a lot of booty sex? Come on, my kind of place. Now, Finland, if you-

Jimmy, could you pick Finland out on a map if I took all names off of countries? I can only pick their flag because that shit is basic as fuck. It is. It is very basic. Well, Finland here. Finland is in Northern Europe, obviously. It borders Sweden. Sweden's to the Northwest.

Norway is to the North. And Russia to the East. Oh, so super white people. Oh, my. This guy looks like he's an albino. Yeah. west norway is to the north and russia to the east oh so super white people so it's oh my this guy looks like he's an albino yeah they're so cultured yeah it's uh really really really white uh the whole country of finland has 5.5 million people in it really so yeah it is not a big country country whole country 5.5 it's like the metro phoenix area this whole country. The whole country, 5.5. It's like the metro Phoenix area, this whole country. That's fascinating.

And most people are concentrated in the southern region of the country here. And almost 90% speak Finnish, so there's some other languages in there because there's a lot of countries right around there. Capital is Helsinki. Okay. Biggest city in the country is Helsinki. It has 1.4 million people, which is like a third of the city. So that's not too bad here. Finland was first inhabited when the Ice Age ended in 9,000 BC.

Wow. So there we go here. Now, Madi, on the other hand, came much later, 1963. So, you know, almost 11,000 years later. AD. He is eight years old when his father dared him to try a ski jump near the family home. Oh, boy. He said, okay, and jumped because this kid is, first of all, he's highly, highly, highly ADHD.

Really? Very, very, very hyperactive, attention deficit, hyperactivity. Yeah. He's got to do things. So my son's like that, too. Before it was even termed a phrase. Exactly. This kid's hyper as shit. Right. This was the type where you'd have

this. Back in the day, you didn't give kids medication or took them to a doctor. You'd just go go run around the block seven times. And you'd literally make them run around the block seven times. You'd be like you're tired? Good. Go upstairs. Shut up. So this, I think they had the same kid and they were like, go jump that ski thing. They probably were hoping he'd break his neck or something.

I feel like. But no, he didn't uh he loved it yeah and it became a huge obsession for him immediately wow ski jumping at age eight from a dare from a dare so robert schimmel doing comedy exactly that's exactly what it was he said quote the only thing i wanted was to jump was his quote and to jump and to jump again that That's his quote. That's all he wanted. All he was interested in was jumping. That's a fucking weird sport. It is. You have to be a psychopath to do this sport. Everything we've covered.

We've covered dangerous shit. We cover sports where guys punch each other in the head as hard as they can. We cover sports where guys drive 200 miles an hour. Nothing is crazier than this. This is the craziest thing the weirdest thing about it to me is that the the jump is less time than it takes to hike up that fucking hill oh to get to the actual top of the ramp when you see a man sail through the air with nothing but skis and then they're tight fucking leotard they go jimmy they go like 500 feet yeah can you imagine that traveling through a fucking air? No.

That's insane. The only thing I can compare this to is power boating. A couple episodes where power boating was, where they're like barely skimming the water, going 160 miles an hour. It's a danger level. And then if they move a little bit, they just disintegrate. The boat just disintegrates into flaps of paper and cardboard.

Everybody's dead. Right. That's what this feels like to me. Like there's very little room for error. At so much speed, too. You either do it perfectly or die. There's only two ways to do this. There's no other fucking way to do it. At minimum, broken bones and a concussion. At minimum, you're fucking yourself up bad. So there's

really not a lot to do here. It's crazy. 1974, he enters his first contest at that point. He's nine years old. He's 11 years old. I'm sorry. Not even 11. He's 10 because it's in March. He enters his first contest. It's a small, it's an eight meter

hill, which is still 24 feet, which isn't bad. He takes first place in his age group. Actually, meters is longer than yards, right? Yards is longer. No. Yards is three feet. Meters is 39 inches. Right, there you go.

So it's further than 24 feet. Exactly. Call it 25 feet. Call it 25 feet, we're in good shape. He's shooting off a 25-foot thing here. Now, we're going to do an in their own words to start out, and this is just a palette. This is just to get the palette going here.

Awaken the palette to him, because it just doesn't make any sense. Most of what he says makes no sense, but he says it with the supreme confidence that he knows exactly what he's saying, which makes it even crazier. In their own words, quote, everything's starting from the experience when you learn to eat meatballs with a fork. Then you know how to do anything. An interest in food and an interest in sports go hand in hand. What? He just compared fucking meatballs to sports?

Meatballs. It's like eating meatballs with a fork. It's like eating meatballs. No, you're jumping 25 feet on skis. I have no idea what that means. Like most things he says. I don't know. It seems like there's another conversation that he's half in whenever he makes a quote.

And he's like finishing a sentence and then starting another one over here. Yeah i'll get there no buddy i got that okay so i was saying with you that but it's like no what no no that's a two by four and those are meatballs yeah this is sports it's the weirdest end of interview what no no it's so strange you can't put all that together it's all half quotes of half sentences tell me though with this sport now so with a with a an eight meter jump is he meant to jump all eight meters well no that's how high it is okay i think and then you shoot off of that as far as you can oh christ this is the ski jumping where you see the guys it's a tall mountain you just see the guy shoot off the fucking mountain with the skis in a v nowadays and then then you either lean forward with their things tucked back. And they judge them based on distance and style and the way they keep it. It's like a swimming.

It's like a diving thing, basically. They judge it like that. It's fucking nuts. At 10 years old, he's jumping off a ramp that's 25 feet in the air. Yes. Shooting off with skis. And they're like, that's fine. His parents are like, that's good.

I don't know what the hell's going on with the Finns. Last year, we dared him. Yeah, and now he's shooting off with skis. Yeah. And they're like, that's fine. His parents are like, that's good. I don't know what the hell's going on with the Finns. Last year we dared him. Yeah, and now he's shooting off of shit. Wow. Ski jumping, if we'll get into it for a second. This is a description of it that I found in an article here. A ski jumper sets off from the top of a ramp set at cable car height, which think about that, cable car, ski lift, accelerates to about

60 miles an hour. Yeah. 60. Then launches into an exhilarating parabola of gymnastically refined technique. In the large hill competition, skiers will expect to jump up to 145 meters. My fuck. This is not something you do lightly in any sense on a whim. 450 feet. In other words, perfect or dead. Right. All you have. It's not something you do lightly in any sense on a whim 450 feet in other words

perfect or dead right all you have it's not something you do on a 60 miles an hour and then they shoot 500 feet out wow that's crazy that's the definition of it that's death wish yeah and this guy's like yep gonna do this love it can't get enough of it uh and then you're expected to land on your fucking feet. Perfectly. Perfectly. Smoothly. Wow. And not only that, you've got to land smoothly. That's part of the deal here. 75, 76 in that time, he was jumping

from 11 a.m. to 8 p.m. every day of the week. What? Seven days a week, nine hours a day, constant ski jumping. That's all he did. Go down, shoot off, go back up, do it again. That's all he did. 7 a.m. to when? It's 8 p.m. It's 11 a.m.

13 hours. 11 a.m. to 8 p.m. Oh, okay. Nine hours of ski jumping, which seems like- That's crazy. I'd be dead by noon if I tried that. I wouldn't do that ever. Be dead by noon if I started at 11.

He began, this is at the age of nine he's doing this. By the time when he was nine, he was doing 2,000 to 3,000 jumps a year. That's a shitload of jumps, man. Oh, my God. How do you do that? That's a fucking crazy thing. Ski jumping started in Norway in the late 19th century. As a sport.

As a sport spread all over Europe and North America. Here, like I said, it consists of the jump ramp. You take off. There's a landing hill where you try to go smooth here. By your definition, this ain't a sport. This is crazy. I'm calling this a sport just based on the deadliness of it.

It'd be great if we could drill them with paintballs or something while they're in the air. This is a sport like Russian roulette's a sport, I feel like. Technically, it's pretty sporting, I would say. Is it though? Because I can't interfere with his performance. That's the only thing. It doesn't fit the parameters of the actual definition, but holy shit.

Wow, that's crazy. If you could drill him with a snowball or something, wouldn't that be great? That'd be a lot of fun, man. At minimal, a dodgeball in the face. It'd just be fun to throw shit at him while they're in the air. Mix this with skeet shooting. I'm on board. That's the decathlon for the next generation.

Now let's see if this makes any sense. Help me make sense of this, Jimmy. A ski jumping venue consists of a jumping ramp, a takeoff table, and a landing hill. Each jump is evaluated according to the distance traveled and the style performed. The distance score is related to the construction point, also known as the K point, which is a line drawn in the landing area and serves as a target for the competitors to reach.

The score of each judge evaluating the style can reach a maximum of 20 points. Wow. Does that make sense to you? That K point? Yeah, all it tells me is that some asshole tells you how many points you got. Yeah, yeah. That K point thing, though, that seems like there's a math involved there. Yeah, it's just a length. Yeah, a

line drawn in a landing area and serves as a target, which, okay, that's fine. But the K point is where you jump from? That's where you land. It's a point in the landing area. Oh, I got it. Anyway, it started in the Winter Olympics in 1924. Yeah.

And, you know, women didn't get into doing it in competition until the 90s. Wow. Well, they didn't let them. I'm sure they were competing against each other and firing off of mountains, but not for medals. Any pregnant chicks ever do this? Oh, lots of them. Yeah, this is a very, very popular pregnancy sport. It's good exercise. They say do aerobics and

ski jumping. Those are the two things you want to do. Eight months, three weeks, it's good for the baby to be born this way. That's what I'm told. That's the way it is, right on the mountain. This isn't a fucking sport. It's just insanity. I. That's the way it is. Right on the mountain. This isn't a fucking sport. It's just insanity. I'm convinced it's not a sport.

Of course it's not. Half the things we've done aren't. It's a judge. Some asshole sitting in a chair. As a gymnast or something like that. During the competition, it can also be performed in the summer on a run where the

tracks are made from porcelain and the grass on the slope is covered with plastic and water. What? Shit, no. No. Give me snow or I'm definitely not doing it anywhere else, especially not... They do it with mud. They do it with mud. They basically put down a slip and slide

and they say, fire yourself off 500 feet and land on the slip and slide. We're going to drag a toilet through it and make some grooves. We're going to call it a K-point. What the fuck? So that'll make it fancy. This guy, though, his one—so skiing, no problem. I mean, up in his early teens, all he's doing is ski jumping, and he's the best at it at every age he's at.

He's the best at it. Also, a thing he's really good at or really, really not good so much as enthusiastic about is drinking. He likes to drink. Well, you have to. Oh boy, does he like to drink. His knees are killing him already. He's got that personality type where Andy's

ADHD and I feel like he's just need, need, need, need. Input, input, input. I need adrenaline. I need drunk. I need this. I need that. And wait until you see all the things he does later. Really? He needs to just be in the middle of some shit all the time. There's constant. He's just unsteady.

He's very erratic. He's got a lot of things going on where you're like, why are you doing this? Why? Do the Finnish make a good booze? I have no idea. I don't know what Finnish is. I'm sure they make beers, and I'm sure that they make stuff. Isn't Grey Goose Finnish vodka?

That's a great question. I know they make a popular vodka. Finlandia? There you go. That's gotta be one, right? I would hope so. If it's not, if it's making in fucking Mississippi or something, they're assholes. You know it's made in Trenton, New Jersey. Finlandia.

Yeah, that'll get the bit. I picture ice and glue. That'll get the bitches. Yeah, that'll get them. Yeah, that's right. That'll get these bitches in line. God damn it. So he started drinking when he was 14. Okay.

And hit the ground running. I'm sure. He hit the ground like he came off a ski jump at 60 miles an hour and just boom. Did he drink on a dare also? No, he just drank because it was, I think because it's cold there too. Everyone drinks there. It's like Pennsylvania, I think. Finland, the Pennsylvania of Europe.

Ah, the Western Pennsylvania. I knew that was coming. Helsinki, the Scranton of Northern Europe. I heard it happen. You knew it had to be coming, man. That's awesome. Oh, Christ, man. So he's just into one focus, and that is skiing. There's nothing else.

His coach, Matty Pulley. Apparently Matty is a popular name there. Matty Pulley is his coach. And he says that they were developing new training techniques, and they were just all in on skiing. That's it. He was having them wear weight vests, kind of like when you've got a donut in the batting circle. So a weight vest so when you fly off,

I guess you'll feel more lighter, I guess. That makes no sense. Well, it's probably helping them with their jump. I was going to say, I don't know what you need to do to get off of that. I don't know. I don't think you just fly off at like a ramp. I think you have to boost yourself.

Yeah. And then you, yeah, I would imagine so. Otherwise you just fall down. Yeah. 60 miles an hour or not. You wouldn't fly 500 feet. I feel like I've seen, I've seen them like at a, at a crouch position almost. And then at the end of the jump, they jump.

Yeah. I think that's what they, yeah. And he's a, he's very light also. Really? He's a light, he's a lighter guy. And you'll hear guys later on talking shit like, well, yeah, And he's very light also. Really? He's a lighter guy. And you'll hear guys later on talking shit like, well, yeah, I mean, we're all good and stuff. But, I mean, he's just like 20 pounds lighter than me. So, of course, he's going to go a little farther, a little faster.

Like, people are like, yeah, you know, he's not that great. Right. Because he's so fucking good. He's so good. And, by the way, ski jumping is excessively popular in Finland. This is not like some side thing. Like where we're like, how does this work? That's like baseball there. Really?

It's freezing out. Anything you do in the snow, that's a very – I don't know if baseball – it's almost like sumo in Japan would be the best way to compare it. It's like a national sport kind of a thing. It's crazy. He was very good with a lot of the subtle techniques and the technical things. He could fly farther than anybody else. February 11th, 1981, he takes the gold at the FIS Junior World Championships, which is fantastic for him. That's his first medal.

It's his first gold medal and competition. It's his first big competition, like a world competition. Now, as an adult here, he claims a victory in World Cup competition in 1981 on December 30th. Later on, he'll get his first World Cup title in 83. OK. January of 83 here, he goes 125.5 meters on his final attempt at Big Thunder Hill in Ottawa. Big Thunder Hill, the guy he beats from Ottawa.

I apologize. OK. And in 83, he is 20 years old? He's 20 he beats from Ottawa. I apologize. Okay. And in 83, he is 20 years old? He's 20 years old and dominating. He had an opening round jump here of 117 meters. They take off your best

and worst jump and you get the middle jump is your number. He's flying over a football field. Yeah. It's insane. And it's his third consecutive World Cup victory off a 90-meter ramp. So he's killing it, man. He's jumping further than he's coming off of. Hell yeah.

Wow. Launching himself. Now, what does FIS stand for? Finland International Shit? Sporting, whatever. Yeah, it's something like that. Yeah, I can't. Or skiing.

Probably skiing. I looked it up, too, and I didn't write it down. I was like, I'll remember that. And I didn't remember that because I'm a moron. But it really doesn't matter. Some Finnish skiing bullshit. I wanted to make fun of it. That's right.

Would have been something boring anyway. The Finns are a boring people. I was F-I-S-H-I-N-G. That's what I was. Yeah, I get you. I feel you. Now, what Matty says about this particular outing, he says, quote, I knew I needed a long jump to win.

In this particular outing, he says, quote, I knew I needed a long jump to win. I didn't try anything special because I'm confident in my ability. After I had gone 20 meters, I knew I made a good jump. So he says that. He says that through an interpreter also because unlike a lot of people in Finland, he speaks nothing but Finnish. And it's really kind of most people speak something else, and he's just straight Finnish. He sticks with it. There's only 5 million other people that understand you in the whole fucking world.

You got to pick another language. Oh, well, there's seven billion people, you dick. You've picked a very... That's a niche, man. That's like picking Klingon. What are you doing, man? As many people probably know Klingon as know this. I'll say that right now. So this... Hold on.

He said after he jumped 20 meters, he knew he made a good jump. After he was 20 meters gone, he knew, OK, I'm flying. I'm flying. And he's got 100 to go. Yep. But he knew it's a good jump. It's kind of like if people hit a golf ball right away, they know if it's a good ball. Yeah.

Yeah. You hit a baseball, you go, I got to hold it. They drop that bat quick. You know they know right there here. So he ends up with five victories that season in 83. He leads the World Cup standings that year. He's in at he comes in second at Cogler

and Bulau. Bulau's a guy. I apologize. The city's the names. Cogler is the Cogler is second in the standings. Bulau is third in the standings that week. Wow.

Anyway, this jump here was held in mild and foggy conditions, which they all say was to his advantage. They said when he jumped, there was virtually no wind. At the time, he only weighed 130 pounds. They said he was able to ride the dead air better than larger competitors. And the blue here, the second place guy, said, quote, Matty's advantage is that even though he's the same height as me, he weighs about 20 pounds less. I'm not taking anything away from him. He's a great jumper.

It's just that he carries a little bit farther because of his weight. I'm not taking anything away from him, but he's a little shittier than me. He's just lighter. That's all I'm saying. Qualifying a statement is doing exactly what you're saying. Not taking nothing away from the guy. Yeah, if we talk about another podcast and we were like, not to talk shit about this podcast, but we're talking shit about that podcast right now. Like, absolutely.

It's coming. It's 100% going to happen at that point. So he's a great jumper, but, you know, he's just light. He's just fucking light. You force feed that asshole a couple of brownies and I'm the champ. Understand? I'm not calling him 20 pounds lighter, but he's 20 pounds lighter. Just saying.

If McDonald's comes to Finland, I'm in first place. That's all I'm saying right now. I'm not racist, but. Yes. I'm not racist, but, you know. Maddie says, quote, when you're about to jump, you are all alone and have to make your own decisions. Up there, it's all up yours. All your language is dumb.

Up yours. That's what he says. All righty. Okay. All up yours up there. All right, then. I don't even know what to make of that. That almost sounds like an insult.

I think it is. Like, I'll do whatever. 1984 is the Olympics. The Winter Olympics are in Sarajevo. Oh, boy. Oh, that's the garden center of everywhere. That's where everyone wants to be, Sarajevo. Good God.

That is sweet. Pointing me towards the concierge. Man, was Venezuelan available? Was Caracas not open for business that week? Shit. Sarajevo. Fuck me. I just picture business that week? Shit. Sarajevo. Fuck me. I just picture bloody children. I think it's Sarajevo.

Crying over there. Where's my parents? That shit going on. This is the first Winter Olympics. Move out of the way, bloody children. I got jumps to make. Come on. No, no, no.

The bloody children stand at the bottom and wait for you. They're like used tires on the outside. No, no, no. The bloody children stand at the bottom and wait for you. They're like used tires on the outside. Not for that. They tell the bloody children, watch the greatness and you'll feel better. Don't worry about it. If you watch that, you'll be inspired. And they line them up on the sides of the jump. But also, just in case I wipe out, they'll cushion the stop.

Yeah, that too. They'll go, ooh. Can you do it again? I missed it. I had blood in my eye. Back to your rubble now, children. The ski competition's over. Back to your rubble.

Go back and try to dig your parents out. So this is the first Winter Olympics held in a socialist state here. So it was kind of a big deal politically. They held the Summer Olympics in Moscow in 1980, which we boycotted. But this is the first Winter Olympics and they ended up having another one in Beijing as the other socialist one later on.

This was Matty Dominates. He wins the gold medal on the large hill and the silver medal on the normal hill. Oh. The large hill, he had a 17.5 point margin of victory in the judging, he had a 17.5 point margin of victory in the judging. He won by 17.5 points, which is the largest margin

of victory in Olympic history for this sport. Killing it. So he just pummeled everybody, crushed them, left them like bloodied children in the Sarajevo mountainside. Just crushed them. He did that on the large hill. On the large hill, yeah. The normal hill, he got a silver because he wasn't as interested in that.

Eh, fuck that. There wasn't as many kids at the bottom, so he was like, I'm a little leery. It's not as impressive anyway. No, definitely not. A competitor of his, a guy named Michael Collins, said, thank God he's not finished, Jesus. He said, quote, no one could really touch him, it seemed. He was definitely the guy you looked to, you watched for technique because he did stuff no one else did. Okay.

Was that an American? I believe that. Michael Collins, a Brit maybe. Or a South African. was definitely the guy you looked to, you watched for technique because he did stuff no one else did. Okay. So. Was that an American? I believe that. Michael Collins, a Brit maybe. Or a South African. A Brit, you know, something like that. So right now he's an Olympic champion. Yeah.

He's got a little bit of an alcohol problem, but it's not affecting his life in the slightest. He's dominating everything he does. He's probably having a couple shots and then flying through the air like a madman and saying up yours, like he said. So he's doing all that. I'm going to say it now, Jimmy. This is grace. That's grace.

This is grace. A gold and a silver, we got grace. This is grace. He's going to do a lot of other things, but they're not going to be all good. This is the end of the happy, maddy, everything's fine period here. Would you say it's all downhill from here? It's all downhill from here. It's all off a ramp from here.

Tell you what, it drops off real fast like a ski ramp. I love it. So March 1984, he breaks the ski jumping distance record twice in the same day at Oberstdorf, Germany. Perfect. Whenever we're mixing languages, it's like I get so like I'm trying to figure out umlauts and then I got Oberstdorf and I'm like, fuck, that's not. Does that start with an O or a U? O, O, O.

Okay. Yeah. Again, he does that again in 85. Breaks the ski jumping, breaks the distance record again. Becomes the first person to clear the 190 meter barrier. What the fuck? With a 191 meter jump. Wow.

That's like 600 feet. That is fucking far. The first human being to jump 600. First person ever to do that, which I can't imagine anybody doing that. Or why you would want to. The record nowadays is like 217 meters, by the way, set this year. Because they started a different style. This was before they would do the, if you've ever seen a ski jump, we've all seen them.

You see how their skis are in a V? They didn't do that back then. They didn't start the V thing until 1991. I know way too much about ski jumping now. But it's for obviously the fucking aerodynamics. They did parallel before that, so they just have them out. Since they've changed that, certain techniques,

certain equipment's changed, you've been able to get a little farther. This son of a bitch may have done further. But 191 feet in 1985 is ridiculous. That year, he also took home the World Ski Flying Championship in the process. Wow. So that seems good. The Ski Flying World Championship here took place in Planica, Yugoslavia, which sounds terrible, I got to say here. The defending champion was an East German.

Really? Back in Germany was two countries there. Wow, I forgot all about that. Somebody on the other side of the wall. Yeah, that's it right there. And he became the new champion. No qualifying time. They just did fire off that goddamn mountain and do your thing here.

The wait is over. So far, you're not losing. The only thing you're losing is my patience. Quickly, I see that. Bing! The queen of the courtroom is back. I didn't do anything. You wouldn't know the truth if it came up and slapped you in the face.

I see he's not intimidated by anything. I can fix that. New cases. She wanted to fight me. Leave her alone. Okay, so, um... This is not a so. This is a period. Classic Judy.

Did you sleep with her? Yes, Your Honor. You married his cousin. His brother. This is a period. Classic Judy. Did you sleep with her? Yes, Your Honor. You married his cousin. His brother. That's not him. Yes, ma'am. I would make a beeline for the door. The Emmy Award winning series returns.

How did I know that? I have a crystal ball in my head. It's an all new season. It's streaming. You can say anything. Judy Justice. Only on Freeview. Taylor Swift is soaring high, her every move captured in the news cycle and devoured by her devoted fans. She's broken billboard records and made Grammys history, not to mention becoming a billionaire in the process. But along the way, Taylor has had to wage war, first by taking on a very powerful, very famous manager, Scooter Braun,

and then by going up against the biggest live events company, Ticketmaster. Hi, I'm David Brown, the host of Wondery's show, Business Wars. We go deep into some of the biggest corporate rivalries of all time. And in our latest season, Taylor Swift will shake up not only the music business, but Hollywood and the NFL. Follow Business Wars wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen ad-free on the Amazon Music or Wondery app. So, I mean, he's winning world titles. That's 85.

He's crushing. He's winning world titles. That's 85. He's crushing. He's winning the Olympics. He's winning these. Like, wherever there's a place, wherever there's a mountain where lunatics are skiing off of them, this guy's going to be the best one. Right. And have a bunch of pissed off other skiers. I picture him like open mic comics. Yeah.

Like, he has a good set, and they're all just like, he fucking brought, like, five people. Right. He's his people, and they'd start laughing and get the crowd going. He brought five people. Dude, I know. You know he brought five people. No, those are like people from his job, dude. You can see them in the back. Yeah, they all left when he got off stage. Obviously, they're his people. That's a conversation we've all heard

if you're a comedian a hundred times when you first started comedy. Of course they like him. Of course they like him. They're his fucking friends. He brings coffee to work. He could have fucking made him stay for the rest of the show. Now I gotta go up in two people. There's like four people left in the audience now. He could have fucking made him stay for the rest of the show. Now I got to go up in two people. There's like four people left in the audience now. He takes his five.

What a dick. Nobody tries. Nobody start doing stand-up. It's horrible. You'll hate it. Just shoot yourself in the fucking face instead. That's what you should do. It's a lot easier.

Yeah. Find us a hard object that's like jutting out from a wall. Line your nutsack up with it and run into it as hard as you can and go, that's a year one of comedy. Or your vagina. Whatever. Whatever you want to do. Whatever you got between your legs. Yes.

Run into that junk. Except if you're a woman, you're much more welcome in stand-up comedy right now. That's true. They're looking for you. They are begging for you. Pad your vagina. Don't run into that. Go on stage.

They'll take care of you. They're looking for you. Men, on the other hand, kill yourself. Fucking kill yourself. Just start tugging in front of people now. If you don't dance or do some stupid shit that you'd be embarrassed about, stop doing comedy. Go kill yourself because that's the only way you're going to fucking make it. Something you'd be embarrassed about.

Or get off stage and go start a fucking podcast so you're not so disappointed with how this shit goes. You'll cry. So 1985, he is voted Finland's Sportsman of the Year. Oh. Which doesn't seem like it would be hard to do. Sportsman. Sportsman of the Year. I don't know.

Do they have like, how many sports leagues are there? Yeah. It's not like it was like, do we take Jordan, John Elway, Dan Marino, like this time period, the 80s, Walter Payton maybe. No, it's this guy and some guy who ice fishes well. The NFL nominates one person per team, and then they vote on that shit. He pulled a 26-pound herring out of Lake Finland. Lake Helsinki.

26 pounds. I don't know how big herrings are. I have no fucking idea. I figure they have herrings. But that seems enormous. It's like a big herring. It might be a small herring. We don't know how big herrings are. I have no fucking idea. I figure they have herrings. But that seems enormous. It's like a big herring. It might be a small herring. We don't know.

We have no idea. You may need a bigger boat. So there you go. So he's crushing it here. The USSA ski jumping coach, Larry Stone, there's a US guy, said, quote, he was kind of a savant. He couldn't tell you what he was doing, but he was absolutely the best in the world by so much for those years. He was a genius, absolute genius. He had no idea what he was doing.

He didn't even know what he was doing. He's like one of these artists that just slaps some shit on and we're like, that's fucking amazing. I can't draw a stick figure. And they're like, I don't know what I did. I don't even know what that is. I don't know what it is. Yeah, that's what this guy is. What do you call that?

What I just did. I don't know what it is. Yeah, that's what this guy is. What do you call that? What I just did. Or like some sort of, you know, Jimi Hendrix guitar savant that'll go out there and rip some shit up and you're like, damn.

And he's like, I was just dicking around. Like, that's what this guy's like. I don't even know what I was doing. He's fucking around. It's crazy, dude. I'm not even trying. It's very interesting. God, now just think about the type of person

this guy has to be to live on the edge like this all the time. Like we said, this isn't boxing. This isn't uh you know things like that this is one little tiny one lapse of concentration right dead done fucking splayed out in the snow yeah you are fucked mister so like i look at this and i'm like jesus the fucking insanity i just saw paramedics picking up some dude just going, you are fucked, mister. You're fucked, mister. I pictured his leg up behind his head over here on one side.

One leg sprawled out the other way. And he don't even know where one of his arms are. You are fucked, mister. You're fucked, mister. I'm sorry. You're going to hope you died. Let me tell you something. Just hope you die in the chopper.

Okay, let's go. Bring him up. Off the side of a mountain all cold. Red puffy jackets. You know it, yeah, big time. Fucking St. Bernard with a thing around its neck. A gallon of whiskey on its neck. They probably have those in Finland.

I'm sure they do. So 1986. We make fun of it in our cartoons. We do. In our Bugs Bunny, and they're like, what's so funny? What's so funny? You need hot chocolate around your neck when you go into the, they would put it in instead of whiskey, it would be hot chocolate in the cartoons.

Like it's going to stay cold in there. Steams and shit coming out of their faces. Like who wants warm, who wants hot whiskey? That's not good. That's not great. So in 1986, he's an absolute genius as we've discussed. Absolute genius, but he's also a fucking moron at the same time. Let's find out why.

There's some sort of kiosk. The National Ski Squad here had their little headquarters, like these athlete centers, whatever. Well, he went and stole, broke into this kiosk at night after hours to steal beer and cigarettes. Holy shit. In 1986. He was 23 years old, world champion, gold medalist. Stealing beer and cigarettes.

Absolute genius. I'm going to break into a kiosk and steal beer and cigarettes. Wow. This is like what my friends did at the Little League Park at the concession stand when I was 15, when they decided their big crime would be to break into one of the concession stands and steal giant garbage bags full of candy. Wow. And they did. Wow.

Giant, big, hefty, like, yard bags. Yeah. Not just like a garbage. The black ones. They hauled them off, and they hauled them, and they hid in the woods. They left the door open so the police saw it and then looked for them. So now there are three kids wandering the streets with giant bags of candy trying to hide from police.

Amazing. And they ended up getting busted. Of course. My friend Kevin was hiding behind a sign because there was cops out. And my other friend convinced him to look and see if there was cops. So he walked out. And you ever see a package of spree, the long ones? And he had a package of spree in his hand that he was eating and he turned the corner

and there was three cop cars pulling up staring at him and he's got a package of spree. And he looks at them and says, I didn't steal the candy. That's exactly what he said. Package of spree and he said, I didn't steal the candy. Kids are dumb. That's how dumb they are. You know the difference? We were 15.

I wasn't involved in that, by the way. And they were on acid, so that's the other reason why that happened. That'll do it. That'll do it. But I was 15, and they were 15, and none of them were a world champion at anything. Yeah. Believe me, complete morons. Not even spree eaters?

No, they couldn't even do that correctly. This guy, on the other hand, same thing here. So he is expelled twice from the National Ski Squad as a punishment for stupid shit that he does over the next couple of years. Expelled twice. How dumb do you have to be to get expelled when you're the best athlete in the whole country? They don't kick Michael Jordan out of the NBA. No. He was gambling like crazy. They were like, no, you're cheating on his in the whole country. They don't kick Michael Jordan out of the NBA. He was gambling like crazy.

They were like, no, you're... Cheating on his wife every day. No worries. Get out on the floor. We don't give a fuck. They would have killed anybody that would have stood in the way of Jordan getting on the floor in the late 90s. They didn't give a shit.

Who cares? And right up until Tiger Woods started being shitty at golf, they did the same thing for him. There will be silver-haired middle-aged white men to cover that shit up if you're making billions of dollars for a sport. When he starts losing, then they're like, eh, fuck it. Eh, fuck it. And then you're going to see the same

thing with this guy here, because there are silver-haired middle-aged white men always defending him and saying, eh, leave him alone. Fuck yeah. He's just having fun. In 1986, he also gets married. Oh, boy. He marries a woman named Tina Hassanen. Tina with two I's. T-I-I-N-A. Nothing is spelled correctly there ever. Tina Hassanen. They are married for about two and a half years. It doesn't last long. They do have a son in

this time period. We'll talk about that son possibly a little bit later. What do you think? Is it really? We'll see. We'll see. You're not going to know for a while. Trust me. It's going to be a surprise for later. Trust me. Just put that.

I'm trusting you. You know how I like to put Easter eggs in. You know how I trust you. I like to put Easter eggs in. This is what I mean. You do trust me. This is why I'm telling everybody to trust us with the stories and don't go, I never heard of that guy. Look at it this way.

Okay? Look at it like you're going out to a nice restaurant. You're going out to one of those nice, fancy restaurants with tasting menus that I can't afford with a really good chef. You don't walk in there and go, nah, I want this and I don't want that. Give me a hamburger. And where's the fucking steak, man? Where's the T-bone? You sit down and you trust that that chef is going to fucking lay out an amazing tasting menu.

I can't even pronounce what's on this menu. Let us. Your taste buds can pronounce it. Sit down. We will bring out 21 courses of goodness. There's a reason that menu was right by the door. To weed dicks like you out of here. Whether.

Exactly. Whether you know it or not. Right. It's there. It's there. That laminated shit stuck to the entryway of the building is to keep hillbilly shits like you the fuck out of here. Uncultured fart fucking you the fuck out of here.

Uncultured fart fucking face dickheads out of our goddamn restaurant. People are going to order milk with their steak. Get the fuck out. Take a hike. So 1987, he's awarded the Holman Colon Medal. Oh, boy. Holman Colon Medal. Jesus.

This award is the highest award that Norway, he's not even Norwegian, offers skiing competitors and signifies that recipients have high rankings in international competitions. He shares this honor with Herman Weinbuch, a German skier. A Holman colon. The Holman. I got a Holman colon award. Jimmy, this is why I've been doing this podcast. So they take pills.

When we started this, I said, someday, I mean, if we could just get some listeners and get on the charts, that'd be awesome. If we could win a Holman colon medal one of these days, then we're into something, man. It's got umlauts and shit over letters, doesn't it? Fingers crossed, man. This actually doesn't somehow. Oh, because it's fucking Norwegian. That's why. Yeah, I think they use them, too, but still.

Do they? Yeah. Yeah, I think they do. Stop with's fucking Norwegian. That's why. Yeah. I think they use them, too, but still. Do they? Yeah. Yeah, I think they do. Stop with those fucking things. They don't even really mean much because it's still pronounced pretty much almost the same way anyway, so. Right. Jägermeister has them over the fucking A.

I think that's just to- Over the I. So douchebags think it's European. Hey, man, it's exotic. It's so fucking good. Let's get shit-faced Europe style, man. Fuck it. Tastes like licorice, you fuck.

My puke tastes like licorice you fuck my puke tastes like europe sweet my puke tastes like german pussy i wanted to go backpacking all over europe after high school but instead for 450 and some red bull throw it up and that's europe baby that's europe all in your toilet bowl right there And that's Europe, baby. That's Europe all in your toilet bowl right there. It's horrible when you vomit that. It's all black.

It's so bad. So he's having problems with his wife at this point in 87 because he's crazy and he likes women also. Of course he does. He loves women. He loves to drink. He loves to act crazy. Why wouldn't a wife want that? And her husband. Oh, I wonder.

Makes a great husband and father when you're doing shit like that. Oh, yeah. A psychopath womanizer alcoholic with a death wish. That's perfect. Thanks. Let's have kids. What do you say? Want to have some kids with me? The stable life forever?

They plan to divorce here. It's not finalized till 88, but they plan to divorce. They do have divorce here. It's not finalized till 88, but they plan to divorce. They do have a son. There's a you can tell what his problems are, because during this time period, he is asked before a ski jump about this particular deal about his plan to divorce with his wife. Yeah, because it's like a personal thing. And he's a big celebrity. So it's a big deal. And they ask him, you know, what's the deal with your wife?

Do you have you cheated on her? Like the rumors say and all this. His quote is right before a ski jump, mind you. So the end makes sense. His quote, quote, well, pussy's always on my mind. But let's jump first. That's what he said. He goes, yeah, I'm looking for some ass, but not until I get to the bottom.

Yeah, pussy's on my mind. I just got to jump first, and then I'm going to find whatever poon's waiting for me at the bottom. I'm going to scoop that up in a minute. To a reporter, his first word in his statement is pussy. His first word, it's well. He said, well, pussy's always on my mind, but let's jump first, eh? They asked Michael Jordan when he was divorcing his wife the same question. Yeah, he didn't say that. He didn't say that at all.

Pussy's on my mind, but as soon as I beat the Cavaliers here. He said, well, pussy's always on my mind, but let me dump from the foul line first. He didn't say that. Let me drop 42 on Cleveland first. That never happened. I run around with my tongue out just in case I run by pussy. I never know. I might want to just take a little gander at it, a little lick, see what's happening as I run by. I'll still dunk.

I'll still hit the crossover. Oh, my God. That's amazing. Juki to the left, take it to the right, and dunk on your fucking head. Holy shit. So pussy's always on his mind, but let's jump first. What do you say? Isn't this guy gold?

I love this fuck. He hasn't even done anything yet, by the way. Holy Christ. He does crazy shit. This is nothing. This is just fun. He also said, and this would describe why his marriages end frequently, quote, love is like a ball of wool.

It begins and ends. What? Okay, then. So that's, yeah. Is there a beginning and end of a ball of wool? He's not in it forever, let's just say. Got it. Well, yeah, there's ends to a ball of wool.

Okay, yarn. I got it. I see what he's saying. I'm like, a ball of wool? Yeah. Who's got a ball of wool? Translation. Wool, yarn.

Got it. We've gone over yarn making, so we don't want to go there again. Let's stay away from that shit. My Twitter feed is way too much. Oh, blew the fuck up with chicks with wool hats on. How much they hate me. And they like us at the same time. Yeah, how much they hate my opinion.

Yeah, no shit. Not necessarily an opinion. Now, he is sent home from the Four Hills tournament this year for, quote, obstinate behavior and drinking. In other words, he'd get drunk and they'd tell him to stop acting up and being drunk and then he would be a dick to them. So I think that's the drinking, then obstinate behavior after that. So 87, he's starting to become a fucking bit of a mess. I mean, I would say so. He starts at this point, too, blaming bad publicity on other people.

Well, it's this one. Well, it's that one. Well, she said that. It's not me. I'm just doing my thing. Pussy's always on my mind, but I'm ready to jump first, baby. You know how it goes. And he tries to explain himself a little bit and his and his what's been going on in his head through all this. And we have an in their own words that that attempts to explain this whole

thing here in their own words. Quote, My will to communicate was very limited. The only thing I ever wanted was jumping, jumping, jumping. I was more open and outgoing than that today, but there was none then. There was publicists in the 80s, by the way. There was tons of publicists in the fucking 80s. All over the place. All over the place. Everyone had a publicist. Everyone.

All the goonies had publicists. Did you hear anyone else saying starting a sentence to a reporter well pussy's always on my mind you know what that tells you they all had public publicists but him that's the difference you don't think some athletes over here would have liked to start sentences well pussy's always on my mind of course they would but their publicist said let's leave the pussy part out for later we'll put it in the autobiography after you retire how many times uh many times Lawrence Taylor likely said that sentence? Oh, God, Jesus Christ.

Not to a reporter. No. Because he had a publicist. Yeah, hey, this is off the record, but pussy's always on my mind. All right, on the record now, what did you say to say to this guy? No, I don't like prostitutes. It's a team game, see? And as long as I don't care if I get any sacks, because that doesn't matter because we won

the game and that's what's important to me, Lawrence Taylor, a team player. I'm going to get some pussy now. All right. Bye. Oh, Christ. Yeah. Jumping, jumping, jumping. He says there's no publicist back then.

I don't know what happened with that. Just gone. By the time this comes around, the 87, his drinking is having negative impacts on everything. His behavior is atrocious. Sure. Everybody thinks he's a nutcase and an asshole. His behavior is atrocious. Sure. Everybody thinks he's a nutcase and an asshole. He gets kicked out of places. This is when he starts his thing of like, too, a lot of times over the course of his

life, he makes a fool of himself publicly a lot. He's a very Joey Barton in that way. He's constantly making a public fool out of himself. He's like, he'll go to strip clubs and like get on stage and like sing and shit and act like an asshole because he's all drunk until they throw him out. And he goes to, like, karaoke places and causes a ruckus. And he's just a, he's an asshole. How many times have you been to a strip club?

Not many because I hate strip clubs. It's too weird for me. Nowadays I'm not a fan. It's creepy. But I used to go a lot. But you know what I did at the strip club? I went in the fucking corner and kept my head down. That's what you do when you don't fucking be up.

No, no, this guy gets on stage. You don't want people seeing you in there. And he's the most famous fucking guy they all know who he is. You're supposed to be shameful, for Christ's sake. No, not at all. He's just having a good time. Having a good time. The guy that wants to be seen there is a piece of shit.

That's what it is. Well, through all this, he gets in fights with teammates and people around the team. He broke some windows with bare hands and cut himself up and had to miss a competition uh he's got drunk out in public and singing in strip clubs getting tossed out getting thrown in the drunk tank by the cops christ interviews shit-faced we'll do drunken interviews which would really kind of make sense a lot yeah uh like i said he's been sent home early he's just a constant a constant problem at this point i pray for those though the drunk interview is maybe the best interview oh it's the best the one from from monday night football the jets quarterback uh joe may knows yeah yeah joe

namath that fucking i want to kiss you right now interview is so fucking people are real when they're drunk it's so great especially the level where they're not so drunk they're belligerent right drunk enough to where they're just super honest's so great. Especially the level where they're not so drunk they're belligerent, but they're drunk enough to where they're just super honest. It's just truth serum. It's that drunk. Yeah. I never tell you you're really handsome.

Yeah. Because you are. The team is. Right. All right. Sure. Yes, you are. You know what I mean?

They're good. It's people like that. The team is struggling right now. I don't. And then he just, I want to kiss you. And then they cut because he goes, yeah. And he like fucking screams. He's crazy.

Just being a party boy. That's the interview I love. Joe's drunk. Joe's drunk. Cut away. Cut away. Camera three. Camera three.

Camera three. Pan to the bench. Pan to the bench. Something. Locker room. Let's do this. So one of his coaches said of him, quote, they tried everything with Nicanon. They made him take pills that would make him violently ill him violently nauseous when he would take a drink.

For every athlete that's a wild man, you've got to find a balance that doesn't destroy what makes them great, but at the same token try to keep them from destroying themselves. And sometimes you find there's no way. And that's the truth too. We have seen a lot of times when these athletes, they completely get off of whatever they were doing. It's almost like a lion that's been defanged. Yeah. Like they're just not the same anymore.

They need to live on the fucking edge of everything or else they can't cope. They can't play unless they're fucking themselves up off the field because they can't be that. They can't think while they play is what it is. They need to have a clear mind and just be out there reacting to things, I feel like, a lot of times. So this is a common thing that we've run into here. They don't want to ruin the guy and not because you got a guy, he's got to be fearless. Yeah.

You can't tell him, hey, look. Especially in that sport. And you're telling him, alcohol, hey, look, you're really hurting your body and you got to take it easy. You can't tell a guy that in that sport. He's like, I'm fucking invincible. Did you see me fly 500 feet after coming off 60 miles an hour? I'm still talking to you. What do you think, this booze is going to hurt me?

I landed on 15 bloody children. Do you know that? I don't care. I don't give a fuck. On legitimately three-inch wide pieces of shorn down wood. And I'll do it. So thin. I landed on that shit.

I hope they were using plastic back then. Well, it's probably a composite. It's not plastic. Plastic and wood composite? No, no, no. I'm saying like- Oh, some sort were using plastic back then. Well, it's probably a composite. It's not plastic per se. Plastic and wood composite? No, no, no. I'm saying like a- Oh, some sort of polymer type? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like a fiberglass or some shit. Yeah, yeah. Something like that, yeah. It's not necessarily plastic. I'm like, wood and plastic together? How do you mix those? But I'm saying something so thin and just so narrow. Yeah.

Just enough to get my fucking foot on it. And I flew on those goddamn things. 500 feet. You think a few shots is gonna hurt me 500 feet yeah you know how long 500 feet is god damn it fucking far you know how big a football field is one and a half of those almost two yeah a lot of those that's a lot yeah that's super fucking far you know that left hand turn lane in the street that's 500 feet that's 500 feet go jump on that shit All the way off of that. Now, do it from up top in a big hill and fly 60 miles an hour out to do it.

1988 is the Winter Olympics in Calgary. Yeah. Back home up here in Canada. Yeah. Home of the snowy things. This is good. You would think you would feel very white and snowy. This is perfect.

I'm very at home here. This was the first year. This is so much fun. This was Jamaica in the bobsled team. This is perfect. I'm very at home here. This was the first year. This is so much fun. This was Jamaica in the bobsled team. This is cool runnings, man. This is the one. Awesome. This is it.

Jamaica, we have a bobsled team. Here it is here. Psycho with his egg. That's right, man. They competed in the Winter Games for the first time at the 88 Olympics. Just bobsledding. That's it. It's the only one.

They were like, let's pool our resources and get one sport fucking right here. They had a two man and four man events and didn't medal, of course, because they're from fucking Jamaica and they don't know how to bobsled. But they were. They were stoned and missed their time. It's true. They were all like army guys from Jamaica's defense force. All those guys.

Yeah. They were all those kind of guys here, which is interesting thought it was a giant uh i don't think john candy was a coach either and a little nerd that was supposed to be like a uh and a lawyer or something yeah no no they came from the jamaica defense force jesus so yeah that sounds more pride and power in those that sounds tough doesn't it i don't want to mess with the jamaica defense force i picture a bunch of very stoned rastafarians a bunch sounds tough, doesn't it? I don't want to mess with the Jamaican Defense Force. I picture a bunch of very stoned Rastafarians beating the shit out of me. A bunch of bad mutafatas that you don't want to fuck with. Isn't that what he said?

Something like that, yeah. I don't think he said fuckers, though, because that's like a PG. I think you're right. I see a bad mutafaka. I think he said I'm a bad mutafaka. I don't know if he said that. I'm pretty sure he did. I see pride.

That was for children. I see power. Oh, man. So that is, I see a bad motherfucker that tanked no shit off of nobody. That's what he said. That's right. That's the quote. Well, maybe they allowed one. It might be PG-13. PG-13, maybe. You're allowed one fuck. Maybe. The two-man event here, they finished 30th overall, the Jamaicans, and then they had the four-man team. They crashed multiple times during it, but they did finish last overall, and that's inspired a movie. That was a comedy somehow.

Should have been a very sad story. One of those depressing fucking events. Very sad. We did it our whole country. We tried. We trained. We did all this, and we did horribly. We shit the bed.

Absolutely terribly. God damn it, we were the worst fucking people out trained. We did all this, and we did horribly. We shit the bed. Absolutely terribly. God damn it, we were the worst fucking people out there. I'll bet it didn't really crash, did it? It just came in last. It just last. And they said, we crashed a couple times. But Matty becomes the first ski jumper to score three gold medals in a single Olympic competition.

He won the normal hill by 17 points, the large hill by 16 and a half points wow which remember 17 and a half is a record and led the finland team uh to a gold in the team event also so he is crushing it right now and it's like he took a window off he's fucking up fucking up he's like gotta get serious for the olympics and then we'll see what happens after that here uh it's crazy though man That's that's that's wild. He became the first person to ever take gold medals on both hills, both hills competitions, which was another record. That's awesome. He has so many on the large hill.

This is 23 percent of Maddie's flight was beyond the K point recorded in the parallel style era. I don't know what that means, but it sounds good. Sounds like he's jumping further than the fucking end. Out past, I guess, the trajectory of it. I don't know if that has to do with it. Sounds impressive is what it sounds like. I feel like I needed to really pay attention to math class to figure out what that is. It sounds like, though, nobody else is doing that. No, no one else is doing that.

Past the K point. No. 23%? 23% of his flight was beyond the k point wow so but if the k points where you land how do you get 20 i am so confused 23 percent of his flight so a court almost a quarter of his flight is past that shit oh so he flew okay i get what you're saying to that shit and that was only 75 percent i get you okay That's fucking bananas. I don't know why that was. In my mind, I was picturing some sort of measure of trajectory of height as opposed to like

I was doing- It's just where he's supposed to be. Okay, I was doing geometry and all sorts of shit in my head right there. Trigonometry. Save it for me. The trailer trash will figure out shit like this. Yeah, so that's what it is. Okay, we got it.

We got it. So he wins three golds in Calgary. Setting records. This guy's a fucking stud right now. That year he is voted Finland's Sportsman of the Year. Wow. Again, he is the only Finn. He's featured on a postage stamp.

What? He's the only Finn featured on a postage stamp while he's still alive apart from former presidents. A guy that said pussy is always on my mind. Postage stamp while he's still alive, apart from former presidents. A guy that said, pussy is always on my mind. Postage stamp. Wow. That's how much they need athletes over there. Imagine if we sent them, not even LeBron James, if we sent him a middling NBA player, he'd be president over there.

We'd send him Birdman. He'd be president. We'd send him Marcus Camby. Emperor now. Marcus Camby now. Today. He'd be president, king, emperor now. Marcus Camby now at 38 years old. Doesn't matter. That's what I'm saying. We'd do that.

Send him Michael Oluokandi. Fine. And he's the fucking... After his knee injuries. And he's still the president of Finland. He's King Oluokandi. Holy Christ. Of Finland.

So a postage stamp. That's how important ski jumping is. Too, in this country. They put a fucking postage stamp out of a ski jump. Pussy's always, my Christ. Of Finland. So a postage stamp. That's how important ski jumping is, too, in this country, is that they put a fucking postage stamp out of a ski jump. Well, pussy's always on my mind. Make a stamp. Print it. Make a stamp about me. Now, that is not the only country that made a stamp featuring him in 1988.

Oh, my God. Can you guess the other country that made a stamp of him in 1988? I will give you the rest of this show and you will never guess it ever in a million years. I haven't got a clue. North Korea. What? North Korea.

The Democratic People's Republic of Korea released a postage stamp of Maddie in 1988. What the fuck? Okay. Kim Jong-un. Whoa, back this up. Who was the guy then? This was Un. Yeah.

No, no. Un now. This was Il. Il, right. He was impressed with the pussies always on my mind. He was. Yeah, he was a big womanizer. He was like, yo, yo, me too, bro.

Samesies. They don't do that in Korea either. They don't make postage stamps of foreigners, like white guys from Europe. Unless they say pussy's always on my mind. That's how impressed they were with his ability. Wow. They looked at him as like a god. Like he wasn't even a human. He was a god that

you put on a postage stamp. That's a good point too because it's not anybody but that dictator's face. He's the god. It's him. Everything's him. Supreme leader. Supreme leader and pussy's always on my mind. And He's the god. Right. It's him. Everything's him. He's the deity and everything. Supreme leader, right. Yeah, that's it. Supreme leader and pussy's always on my mind. And pussy's always on my mind.

They're like, we want you people to know two things. Everything's for the state, the collective. We all fight for each other. This is the people's republic. It's communist. It's all what we say. And keep pussy on your mind always. And keep pussy on your mind always.

Like, this guy embodied excellence in both athletics and pussy hunting for these people, where they were like, yes. What the fuck? Postage stamps. North Korean postage stamps. That's hysterical. We're never going to cover another athlete. And you're right, I never would have guessed that. No, who the fuck would guess North Korea? I didn't even know they had mail in North Korea.

Never mind postage stamps with Finnish long ski jumpers on it. Who would have thought that? Wow. I would think Norway because they gave them an award. Right. Maybe Norway. That's where I was going when I said Netherlands. Yeah, Netherlands, Norway, somewhere like that.

Nope, Canada even. Nope. North Korea. North Korea. On the stamp, it shows him in the air in skis. Yeah. It's a fucking action shot. With a little thought bubble and a pussy in it.

Yeah, a pussy on it. There you go. I don't know what they're thinking. About pussy. About pussy. It's so weird, dude. It's so weird. We've never covered it.

Oh, my God. This is a crime and sports first yeah by the way a north korean postage and a record amount of pussy in this record avalanche of pussy and and that's we don't say this that much no we never say pussy ever that's the thing we on purpose don't say it because we have a lot of female listeners but tell you not to like it. It's a harsh word. But this is like he said that. This is amazing. I can't get over it. A North Korean postage stamp over his.

And he said it to a fucking number four. But let's jump first, okay? I'll talk about that afterwards. Like literally, I got plenty to talk about when it comes to that. But I got to jump first. Listen. Like literally, I got plenty to talk about when it comes to that, but I got to jump first. Listen. So he has an in their own words that has nothing to do with anything.

Okay. Let's have a non sequitur in their own words here. In their own words. Can't help it's as much gold. Oh, it's in their own words, quote, I am a Russian. Although I'm not wearing red, I'm a communist, but I'm only acting. Truthfully, I'm just a man who walks and talks on the phone. What the fuck does that mean?

What does that mean? Oh, my God. I'm more confused about that than the Korean postage stamp. What happened? Some Finnish person is going to hear that and then translate it into their own tongue and be like, oh, yeah, that makes perfect sense. I'm sure. Why does your language not make sense then?

Oh, God. Anything I had to translate, it's easier. You have to translate it like three times because you translate it from Finnish to English and then it makes no sense whatsoever. The words are all rearranged. That's probably the equivalent. They use weird words. That's probably the American equivalent of I put my pants on one leg at a time. You know what I mean? I guess. I'm just a man who walks and talks on the phone. That's not an old saying. They didn't have phones 30 years before that probably in Finland. It's bizarre. I don't know what the hell happened.

And he's a Russian. He's not wearing red, but he is a communist, but he's only acting. Which is it? Are you Russian? Are you communist? Or are you not? Or is he just acting to not be communist? I think he's acting to be a communist.

Like he's pretending he's a communist. But I'm a communist, but I'm only acting. I don't know what any of this is. Listen, you guys, I love talking on the phone. Luckily enough, either way, his wife is sick of all this shit and divorces him this year. Old Tina divorces him with her two eyes. So he's got a divorce. I don't know why that's funny, but it is.

I'm going to kill Jimmy right now. He's going to have a stroke, I know. It was just a surprise. Yeah, so stupid. It's always the ones that surprise me that make me laugh the hardest. That one locked me up. I saw that. I was like, oh, no, he's going down, guys.

What do I do the rest of the show solo, I think? I just vapor locked. I couldn't get air in or out. Oh, man. Tina. That is Tina. So 1989, got to get married again. Yeah.

When things are going bad and shit starts to crumble and you're on North Korean postage stamps, what's the crime and sports rule? You gotta get married. Fuck yeah. He marries Pia Heinenen. There's four N's in that last name by the way. Heinenen. H-Y-N-N-I-N-E-N. Wow, too many Pia.

At least there's only one I. It's not Pia. So that's good. Pia's a great name by the way. Pia's not a bad name. Pia Zadora? It's a cute name. Pia Zadora. They have one the way. Pia's not a bad name. Oh, like Pia Zadora? It's a cute name. Yeah, Pia Zadora. They have one daughter together. They're only married until 91, too. Wow.

He has five wives total. Jesus. He's a fucking mess. Yeah. Now, 1989, 1990, just a complete, his alcohol abuse has gotten out of control. Of course. He's a complete alcoholic. He's just taken everything right in the shitter.

Everything now, he's got injuries, too. He's getting older. He's a complete alcoholic. He's just taking everything right in the shitter. Everything now, he's got injuries too. He's getting older. He's got injuries. I mean, he's only 26 years old, by the way. Wow. This is 1990. He's 26, 27 years old at this point. And his injuries, which I can imagine injuries from this, the impact on your joints.

Your knees are going to be fucked. You're going to hit. You're going to going to be fucked. You're going to hit. You're going to twist a little bit. You're going to hit problems. Soft snow or not, fuck that. You've got all these guys jumping down there too. It's not just one dude and then it's over. There's 50, 60 guys probably. You're landing on ice. Absolutely.

Between that and the complete alcohol abuse, he's going downhill now. in his long ski jumping. He went from two years ago, you know, 88 being three gold medals, best in the world, everybody in awe of him, to a year and a half, two years later, he's divorced, remarried, and a fucking alcoholic shell of his former self. But he always has that postage stamp to look at. Shit, yeah. Two of them, as a matter of fact. Surviving on like fish pills and fucking whatever that shit is that old people take for osteoporosis.

That's the shit he's surviving on now. That's what he needs. And this is not a sport, if you're not 100% in, this is not a sport you can half-ass it through because you'll fucking die. Right. You know what I mean? And I've looked up all these ski accidents. There are so many.

Oh, I'm sure. We could have talked. If he didn't do so much crazy criminal shit coming up here, we could have talked about ski accidents for two hours. Horrific long. Yeah. I've seen pictures of these people in a twisted heap. Yeah.

Just one leg. If your body looks like a swastika, shit has gone wrong. It's gone wrong. You're not kidding. wrong. It's gone wrong. You're not kidding. No. It's bad. It looks like the cartoons are not far off when they hit the ground and then they roll into this giant snowball.

No, that's exactly what happened. And they got a foot coming out of the snowball by their face. Yeah. That's not far off from what happened. That's the shit here. Glucosamine. That was the shit I was trying to think of. There you go.

Glucosamine. Glucosamine. That's what you give dogs too with bad hips. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the stuff. Glucosamine. Glucosamine. He should be taking a dogs, too, with bad hips. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the stuff. Glucosamine. He should be taking a shitload of it. I'm sure he is by now.

And fish oil, that's probably all they have in Finland. Yeah, a ton of it. They probably just drink that shit anyway. Probably just eat the fish scales. Yes, all that herring he pulled out of that pond. You know, that type. That 27 pounds of fish oil. 27 pound herring he's got there.

He's been using it for oil this whole time. 1991, he's 28 years old and he retires from ski jumping. He finished, this was after a finishing in 50th place at the 91 World Championships. Ouch. He was, yeah, that was it. He should have thought about something other than

pussy. That might have been it, but let's jump now. But he wasn't a guy who, he knew what he was doing. He was the best and he was like, I can think about pussy and I'll just jump quick and then i'll think about pussy like he was so great he didn't have to work hard that's and he worked hard in the beginning but as it went through he was so great lazy he got lazy because it happens when people agree we've seen it we see it with comedians all the time it's so great they get lazy because it's their crowd and they do it hopefully we'll get to that point someday i'd love to be lazy and i'd love to walk up there

phenomenal mcdonald says it all the time that famous comedians can go out and just say dumb jokes that everybody's always heard and it kills. Kills. Because they just want to hear it from a famous person. That's what I'm saying. I'd love to be famous and go tell knock-knock jokes. This guy could go around, if he was a comic right now, he could go around and sell out improv

for the next week. He could be in every shithole improv in this goddamn country. Go out with one of his stamps on his fucking forehead and just say, I love pussy. I'm going to the Chuckle Hut. Sign me up. And it'll kill all night. Crushing. So he retires after that.

This is just so much shit. It's all outside things. It's all him destroying himself. His total, he won 19 medals at the Olympics and World Championships from 82 to 90. So he has 19 medals. In eight years. In eight years, which is pretty goddamn amazing here. And then we do that every four years.

Yeah. Wow. Well, he did the, there was the World Championships. Oh, and all that shit too. So that counts. It's Olympics and World Championships here. He basically, he's finished skiing now, but this, he just gets crazy now. Now he has time to do other shit. Yeah. Because he's finished skiing now but this he just gets crazy now now he has time to do other shit yeah because he's adhd yeah now he's not skiing all the time so now he needs to

find some other shit to do and to get into and uh he does say he's finished he's finished yeah that deserves a nut kick but i'll leave it like that for now i thought you were doing it on purpose i was like did he just pun no No, no, I did not pun. God damn it. Thank you for noticing. So his life turns into a fucking disaster. We have it in their own words on this here, on the changing life here. I love this guy's quotes. They're great.

In their own words, quote, I changed from a well-known system into a phase of insecurity. For all my life, I had been doing something else, and now that did not matter any longer. The world away from ski jumps was absolutely different from the one I knew so far. That's the most sane thing he says ever in this whole thing. So my life changed for the worse. So my life changed for the worse. Oh, by the way, that's a divorce year for him.

Oh, no. 91's a divorce year. It's like baseball. It's a strike year, right? 94, it's a divorce year for him. It's an asterisk strike year, right? 94, it's a divorce year for him. It's an asterisk right there, right? 92, he's done with skiing. Okay, he's done.

He's no more long skiing. He's retired. He's got to find something to do with himself. What do you do with yourself if you're a famous fin on postage stamps throughout the Asian peninsula? I have no fucking idea. You release a pop album, of course. Of course you start singing and dancing and release fucking albums jimmy nobody's ever done this of course you've done

well yeah they have pop albums though we got rappers we've had rappers we have like they're hard asses oh no this is pop he's saying scandinavian fucking pop oh boy music it's like it's maddie bitch yeah i saw the sign he's like shit why didn. It's Maddie, bitch. I saw the sign. He's like, shit, why didn't I think of that first? I think they're Swedish, but that's fine. Close enough. So yeah, he's approached by a group of businessmen who wanted to make him into a recording artist.

So yeah, they have him make a fucking album. New rule. New crime and sports rule. New CIS rule. Do not make a fucking album ever of any kind, whether it's pop or hip hop or anything. If you are an athlete, don't make an album. Looking at Shaquille O'Neal.

Thank you. That's the best case scenario. That's the best it could work. Shaq Fu is the best possible outcome. Is that what you want for yourself? And Fushnikins. Yeah. The best possible outcome.

Is that what you want for yourself? And fooshnickens. Yeah. It was only tolerable because of them, not you, Shaq. Terrible. Stop it. Yes, this is what's happening here. He makes his first album, which is called Yallestineo. Oh, boy.

99 left balloons. Moving on. Yallestineo. Oh, boy. Y-L-L-A with an umlaut. T-Y-S-T-E-N-Y-O umlaut over the O. No fucking idea. But it translates into Night of Surprises, which sounds horrifying.

That sounds like there's going to be dicks coming at you where you did not want them at all. That sounds terrifying. Night of Surprises. Ah! Is that a ball sack? Get away. That sounds frightening. Oh, my God.

That's released in 92. It has the song Samanuaha, which means the same tape. And I have lyrics to the same tape. Oh, fuck. Would you like to get translated Finnish lyrics from a skiing star turned pop singer? I'm terrified. Okay. They make'm terrified. Okay. They make no sense.

Yeah. But let's do this. You have to imagine a pumping Scandinavian pop beat behind it. I've heard all of this show. Okay. From 1992. Okay. Fantastic.

So 1992 Scandinavian pop music in the background. And the lyrics are, they're not that funny, but you need to know what this guy's singing. Others always know better what you do, where are you coming from, and where you meet. You were there or here, they know best. And if you have nothing, they know it too. Best to give them something to talk about. He's Bonnie Raitt over here. Is that who sang that?

Let's give them something to talk about. The best thing to give them something to talk about. He's Bonnie Raitt over here. Is that who sang that? Let's give them something to talk about. The best thing to give them something frustrating, the best thing to give them something to talk about, unless they have anything to do with you, no secret stories are left of them, and they sound more quickly, their sound spreads. They need water, then the dry time is in the mill? What the fuck does that mean? They grind the same tape. It's endless. Best to give them something to talk about. I feel like he's talking about the press talking shit about him.

I feel like this is like an Eminem song. Yeah. But shitty. Yeah. But awful. But terrible. With the worst lyrics. They make you have to picture what it's-

This is without me. Right. And it feels so empty without skis. He better be dying a streak of gray in his hair at minimum for this shit. Yeah, so that's one of them. This sells 25,000 copies in Finland. Wow. Which, proportionate to the population-

That's amazing. It's equivalent to selling 300,000 in Britain, which is platinum. Wow. He went fucking platinum, this guy. In Finland. In Finland. My Christ. Selling 25,000 copies.

So basically, in Finland, we'd be platinum by like five in the morning when we release an episode. Wow. Four in the morning, we'd be platinum over there. Doesn't take much. Wow. So I don't know why we're doing this episode, because there's no Finnish people to attract to Listenbox. I think it's just because it's funny.

We've got one. We've got Cat O'Jolly. We've got Cat, but no one else is going to like this. But it doesn't matter because they like it in America because it's funny. Everybody else just buy into pussy being on his mind. This is a mess, man. So he's selling a platinum album that's clearly terrible.

It's clearly just like a press complaint. There's plans for big international endorsement deals with this, too, but they're scrapped because he has a complete inability to speak any language but Finnish and had no other place to go. So now he's this guy who's got immense popularity, but in such a small pond, it doesn't matter because there's nobody there. That was in 92? This was 92. He essentially coined the term fake news. who's got immense popularity, but in such a small pond, it doesn't matter because there's nobody there. That was in 92? This was 92. He essentially coined the term fake news. Yeah, pretty much.

Yeah. That's what he was singing about. He's like, it's all fake news. Yeah. There's a Tupac song, I think he was trying to relate that to, I really believe. Unbelievable. He says at this point, just a random quote. Every once in a while, I like to throw a random quote in.

One of these ones that makes no sense. Just for no reason. Matty says, quote, I color my hair once every two months and the world changes and I change along with it. What? Okay. The world changes so so does his hair every two months when he colors it. Does he change it like exotic colors or just like brown? No, it's

blonde. He colors it. He looks like a Ric Flair color. Oh, Jesus. He is blonde, blonde, white, blonde, Finland. Platinum blonde. Exactly what you'd picture a Finnish man looking like. Exactly. blonde he's like a rick flair color oh jesus he is blonde blonde white blonde finland platinum blonde exactly what you'd picture a finnish man looking like exactly uh 93 things went so well with the first one makes a second album god why not he's a fucking pop star he is four years ago he's an olympic champion now he's got two albums out this is some shack 95 shit right here wow shack should have looked at his example a couple years later and not done what he did. Second album is called Samurai.

Samurai. That's some Shaq stuff. That's what I mean. He should have paid attention. New crime and sports rule, do not make two albums ever. Okay? In the event that you miss rule, what was it, rule seven, I don't remember. Something.

In the event that you miss the rule about the album, definitely don't do two. Don't make one, but if you ignore that, fucking pay attention to this one because you're already behind. Wow. This song on this album of the Samurai is called Yeeakuni Votikoveni. That sounds like a North Korean word. Yeah, Yikakuni seems like an oh yeah, blah, blah, blah.

I really did this. People like to slow down the podcast sometimes. Yeah, slow that down. Or speed it up. I don't care. It'll be the same thing. Just make me sound like a fucking moron., slow that down. Or speed it up. I don't care. It'll be the same thing. Make me sound like a fucking moron. Slow that shit down. So

ye kakuni I think is just like silly. Just like, that doesn't mean anything, I think. That's just like saying yeah, ah, woo. I think it's like woo. Ye kakuni? Ye kakuni, okay? And vauti kovini Yeah, woo. I think it's like woo. Yee-ca-coo-nee? Yee-ca-coo-nee. Okay.

And Vauti Covini means the pace is getting stronger. Oh. Okay, that's the name of this song. The pace is getting stronger. I have lyrics if you're interested. The first song was called Yee-ca-coo-nee? Yeah. Y-Y is the first.

It's a word. Two Ys. That's a word. Two Y's. That's a word. What? Y-Y comma K-A-A comma K-O-O comma N-E-E dash V-A-U-H-T-I space K-O-V-E-N-E-E. That's a fucking song. Sounds like fucking Navajo. That's bananas.

Yes, it does sound like some Navajo shit here. Let's see what it says here. None of it makes any sense to me. Listen to what the village was doing before I got to Bemar, wherever the fuck that is. I was betrayed with my favorite wheelers. with my favorite wheelers. Every time I started, you've stopped. Ya-ka-coo-nee, cat walks. Stares along the cat sky.

Stares like walking upstairs. V-I-I, V, moon, moon, the word moon. C, yeah. Believe me, in Bamar, I'm going to take a look at the world. It will be left in the throat when the church is thrown. Whoa. Whoa. That sounds like some fucking—he had some actual foreshadowing there.

Wow. When they pick up the swing to the bar, tandem. What the fuck, man? I don't know what the hell he's talking about. It doesn't make any sense. This makes no sense. This album does not do as well. Really?

Probably because it makes no goddamn sense. People are like, yee-coon-yee-nee. Fuck you, dude. This is his We Didn't Start the Fire. That's what it was, yeah, except no one tried to memorize it. That's theirs. It's like, we don't care. We don't give a shit about this fucking idiot.

We're not memorizing this at all. So 1994 comes around. Because the second album flopped, he's got financial problems coming out his ass right now. Just not doing well. Finland's an expensive country, actually. I'm sure it is. He works briefly for a premium rate phone line dispensing

celebrity relationship advice. Oh my god. Meanwhile, this is a guy that's been divorced twice right now? Yeah, that's what I mean. He's got celebrity relations. People just want to talk to him. This article, it's an English article, said that this is like the equivalent of calling up the, you know,

whatever, housewives of whatever the fuck and getting a relationship from somebody. An anti-fluff piece comes out about him at this point. Really? Is this the first time? Oh, it's so harsh, dude. Is this the first one we've heard of? There's been just like this guy's a piece of shit before. Has there?

But this one is really pointed. Okay. They're just like, what an asshole. Okay. He's taken everything. He's thrown it away. He's turned into a shit bag. I love it.

He's a bum. We all hate him. That's what it is here. An anti-fluff piece comes out and it says, this is how it starts out, okay? Quote, he moves through the icy streets without purpose. A lost soul haunted by the cheers he hears from a distance. A wrenching fall into oblivion since then. That's how the article starts.

That's a guy that bought Samurai. That fucking guy. Yeah, he was pissed. Uni-kuni dickhead. Motherfucker robbed me for $12. What a dick, man. Yeah, 94. They were still having to buy CDs and tapes and shit. It's bad stuff. Dickhead Motherfucker robbed me for $12 What a dick man Yeah 94 They were still having to buy CDs and tapes and shit

It's bad stuff So yeah Columbia House is still hunting me down for the hat Yeah right Oh my god So that's Things have changed From he's the most brilliant

He's just a genius To walking through the icy streets without a purpose A lost soul Haunted by the cheers retching fall that's rough man that's a tough couple words yeah a finnish uh ski person that's you know kind of around the finnish ski team says quote i'd give you your name but it wouldn't matter the first name is juba okay you don't know never heard of this person uh quote there is no sympathy for him anymore because he has made his life so bad.

He has lost everything. Wow. They're like, what a piece of shit, basically. Fuck him. He's a complete piece of shit. 1995, whose idea was this? Some people come to him and form a political party around him to run for parliament. What?

Yeah. This guy. What the fuck the let's run this guy he's clearly i would be good at being in charge of things and taking you know making sure other people's lives happen properly uh yeah so 95 there is two uh uh two uh uh different versions of what happened here i've read one version that says he narrowly lost, and then I have another version that says he won, but quit after one and a half sessions of parliament. Really? He went to the first and went to the second one.

Halfway through left, never came back. It was like, this is fucking boring, and there's no booze here. I am leaving. I don't see pussy anywhere. And all this pussy is ugly. It's all covered up, and none of it's drunk. So this is not going to work well here. That's what I feel like he was doing. I don't need this parliament shit. All of it's covered up up and none of it's drunk, so this is not going to work well here. That's what I feel like he was doing.

I don't need this Parliament shit. It's all covered up and none of it's drunk. It's all covered and sober. This doesn't interest me. I don't know. She's not interested in covered and sober. I love any description of anything that starts with all of and none of.

Those are always good. It all does this and none of it does this. Yeah, that's always bad. That's always bad. All of it's covered up and none of it's true. I'll bring all my shoes and all my glasses just so I have them. It's that type of thing. This sober, covered up pussy.

This is terrible. This is awful. 1996. I want that account to be the truth one. That would be that. I don't want the one that he narrowly lost. No, I've read that one more that he quit. Okay, good.

I want that one to be true. I hope that one's true, too. Now, 96, things are going terribly, obviously. It's just a disaster of a person. People aren't even saying how great he is anymore. What do you do, Jimmy? You get married. You get remarried, obviously.

Things are going bad. It's a crime and sports rule. He's going to break them all, guys. Break them all. He is going to marry Sari Panala. Two A's. P-A-A-N-A-L-A. Four fucking... Four... Four A's. Four A's in a seven

letter word. No. She has three letters other than an A? Yeah. That's not enough. You need more consonants, at least, in there. During this one, though, we think that name sucks, Pa-Nala. We might think it's not that great, but Matty must have loved it because he changed his fucking name.

What? He changed his name to Pa-Nala after he marries this woman. Maddie Panala. Panala. Nah, nah, nah. Right. Ye know Nico Nico. Fuck one.

So from 1996 to 1998, that's not even his fucking name. His name is Maddie Panala now. That's how we have to cover it for two years. That sounds much more pop oriented, though. That would be better. Maddie Panala. Yeah, he to cover it for two years. That sounds much more pop-oriented, though. That would be better. Matty Pah. He could sing it out and shit. I'm sure that's not how you pronounce it at all.

So he changes his name to that, like a fucking maniac. 1998 comes around. Divorce is, sorry, takes his old name back. So that didn't last long at all. This, by now, he's got three divorces. You know how that works here. So he's got three divorces. Yeah. You know how that works here. So he's got three divorces, athletic career over, relationship advice thing didn't go very far.

He's got a failed pop career that came and went. So now what do you do? Jesus. Well, he doesn't get married right away again. Drugs. Well, no. He says, I need to make money. Might as well be a stripper.

Holy shit. I guess I'm a stripper now. He's 30, though. He's 35. Oh, my money. Might as well be a stripper. Holy shit. I guess I'm a stripper now. He's 30, though. He's 35. Oh, my God. Stripping, but he's famous. Okay. So it's different.

Yeah, that'll draw people in. Yeah, that's what I mean. I mean, yeah. I know where you're going. You're going to offend everybody. Don't do it. Don't do it. I'm not.

Don't pick a 45-year-old woman that you think might be still at you. Don't do it. No, I was going with it, too. Okay. I was just thinking if Corey Feldman started stripping, people would show up. They'd watch for a minute. People would show up. They'd be like, that's about what I expected.

That's a Goonies tick? That's weird. Yeah. Yeah, so unbelievable. Oh, take a 45. I thought you were going to go there. No. I was going with Corey Feld to go there. No. I was going with Corey Feldman for sure.

Okay, I was trying to keep our listenership together there. I had to jump on it every once in a while. So now he's doing a strip tease act in a restaurant that has strippers. It's like a weird strip club restaurant type deal. You got to have this guy's balls in your soup. Best. Best place ever. He leaps off the roof and lands his balls in your soup from 500 meters away.

That's what he does. Ah, Jesus. He claims that he retained his dignity by never appearing fully naked. He said, I never showed my dick. Okay. I just gyrated around. That retains dignity? That retains dignity, yeah.

No. No. Absolutely not. Sir, you are on a postage stamp in two different countries. Dignity and this shit don't belong in the same sentence. Sorry. You are on two postage stamps. Now you've got a thong on.

Yes. No dignity. No dignity for you. You've thrown it away. Terrible, man. So at this point, later on, he's got more pop in his system. Don't worry. Oh, God.

So at this point, he's been stripping. Yeah. He's been stripping. He's going all the way down the path. And this, to me, is the lowest you can sink. But he's got all his dignity, James. He's got his dignity, Jimmy. His dick never came out in a restaurant.

Right. Well, while he was working. He did it just for shits and giggles on stage, just dicking around normally, but when he's actually getting paid, he keeps it in his pants here. This is the part here that this is sad here. He's got so much debt. This is as

low as you can go. He sells his gold medals. This is the saddest thing ever. He eventually gets them back, and we'll find out how. But he sells his gold medals and starts working for his phone sex line also, which is odd. Now dignity's out the window. Now there's no dignity. I mean, it's like, it's in my hand.

It's hard. Yeah. Very hard. I'm still thinking about pussy. I don't know what the Finnish accent is. That's why we gave him, like, a random half-Spanish part. Some fucking about pussy. I don't know what the Finnish accent is. That's why we gave him like a random half Spanish part. Horribly disgusting. I don't know

what it is here. But while he's doing this, he also finishes up his third divorce because you got to do that. He says about this, we have a quote here. He says, quote, I am a marriage advisor these days. If things are going well, then call me. I can fuck it up in seven seconds. So he acknowledges that he's a disaster.

That's great. That's honesty. Yeah. Now, over the last couple of years during this whole thing, some of these are hard to find because it's Finland and the records are very difficult. I'm sure. During this time, I don't know the exact dates, but he fell asleep at the wheel and drove off a bridge at one point. What? He fell asleep at the wheel, drove off a bridge into a lake.

Oh, my God. He worked at the phone line. He got engaged during this time to a 17-year-old Estonian girl and then called it off a week later. So he got publicly engaged to a 17-year-old girl from Estonia and then said, never mind. Okay. Wow. Now we have a quote here from a Helsinki Times reporter with a name I don't even want to get into.

This person says, I don't even know if it's a man or a woman, he or she. They say, quote, after that we didn't hear about his sports history anymore. In fact, people who didn't grow up when he was winning all his medals only really think about him as someone who was in the tabloid newspapers. It was quite funny at first. Now it's just sad. That's exactly what it is. We're like, oh, that's cute. And. It was quite funny at first. Now it's just sad. That's exactly what it is. We're like, oh, that's cute. And then it's like, oh, no, it's not anymore.

This is sad. He has sort of an explanation on it here. He says, in their own words, quote, there are two types of people. Some take drugs. Some do sports. Some rush around until they burn out. And some just sleep. That sounds like four types of people, first of all.

I'm one of those people who sleeps, does sports, makes love, and beats themselves up, and sometimes might hit another person in the process. That's his quote. Okay. That's just everybody, by the way. He just described, there are some people in the world and there are everybody. And here they're all different types. There's some people.

And I'm one of them. Thank you. Thank you for the feedback on that one, Mr. fucking Matty. 1999, he is meeting with sausage manufacturers to try to get a sponsorship deal. He's going to try to do sausage commercials. A company called Tapola. T-A-P-O-L-A. I'm sure it's not pronounced that way, but that's how we're pronouncing it now.

When I stripped, I never showed my sausage. I'm sure it's not pronounced that way, but that's how we're pronouncing it now. When I stripped, I never showed my sausage. I never showed my sausage. But I can, if you want the best sausage in Finland, it's not in my pants. It's right here in this package. Tapola Fine Sausages. Hey, Tapola, we'll take a fucking sponsorship. Throw one our way.

Talk about your sausage all goddamn day long. So, while he's meeting with these people. No dignity, by the way. Talk about your sausage all goddamn day long. So while he's meeting with these people. No dignity by the way. Zero dignity. Not intact now. He's trying to shill sausage. He's sold his medals, done phone

sex and he's trying to shill sausage. This is not a dignified way to end your life and career. What he does do though is while he's trying to get a sausage sponsorship, he does meet a Mervy. I don't know if that's how you pronounce it. Mervy Tapola, who is a sausage.

Yeah. Millionaires. Yeah. Oh, it's a girl. Yeah. She's a sausage. Oh, no. Queen.

Queen. What's it called when you're the heir to the sausage fortune? She is. She is. She's taken a is a sausage. She's taken a lot of sausage. She's a sausage princess, which doesn't sound like it is what it is. She's had a lot of sausage.

This girl knows sausage. Let me tell you something right now. This fucking broad knows sausage. Fucking Mervy knows sausage. I've been with a lot of women, but this broad here, she knows her fucking sausage. Let me tell you something, guy. They fall in love. Yeah.

As much love as he can here. They fall in love in 1999, which is, that's beautiful. A retired ski jumper and a sausage heiress. This is phenomenal. 99, they fall in love. Tons of money. It's story, bro. It's story.

But he gets his medals back. Really? This is how he gets his medals back. She bought them back for him. Wow. Try to give him some of that dignity back. She can't put the cock back in his pants, but she can put the medals back on his chest. You know what I mean? You do what you can do here. Just in time for tabloid nicknames

and such for Mervy and Pervy. Mervy and Pervy. That'd be perfect. That's the one. You know that was the lead right there. I'm telling you. So this is storybook from 1999 all the way to 2000 when he assaults her for the first time. Holy shit. And notice I said first time.

There'll be more. And she gets a restraining order against him. So that's storybook for about nine, and then it falls apart like that. Did he hit her with like a chain of sausages? Probably. Beat her with a bunch of sausages. So domestic violence, not funny, but sausage beating is kind of funny. As long as it's like nunchuck sausages.

Yeah, just like a pop, pop, pop. It's so ridiculous, we know it didn't happen, but it's kind of amusing. So he's got a restraining order. He assaults her in 2000. 2001, they get married, because that's what you do. You marry guys who assault you, and you have got a restraining order he assaults her in 2000 2001 they get married because that's what you do you marry guys who assault you you have to take restraining orders out on it's not like he has a this was an aberrant this was aberrant behavior this is kind of who he is he's just even as a quote sometimes i hit people afterwards like he doesn't give a shit

in the process of making love you remember yeah i remember that right uh later that year uh there was another charge of assault against him on her, although she refused to give evidence against him. She called the cops, and he was arrested for assault. And when it went to trial, she refused to testify, and so they had to drop the charges. Mervy Mayfield. Mervy Mayfield, exactly. We have a definite Mervy Mayfield, except she eventually gets it. Whereas Shana Mayfield is still

still not getting it we our minds are made up we're not the guys you need to convince try NASCAR they're the ones you might want to talk to it'd be good maybe you buy a house Jesus Christ man so 2002

he makes a comeback as a singer and releases a single called Eka Otin Eka En, which means maybe I did, maybe I did not. Okay. And it's maybe I did, maybe I did not drink is what he's getting at. It's also he lends his name to a brand of alcoholic cider with the same slogan as their advertisement. He's a hard cider drinker? What a fucking douche.

I don't know what they... It might be 42% alcohol over there for all we know. Yeah. But he made a song that's the slogan of the thing, and so now he's singing that. That's their advertisement slogan. Wow. Maybe I did, maybe I did not. That's their commercial. It's like, maybe I drank it, maybe I didn't.

I don't remember. I don't remember, because this shit is strong. It's 42% alcohol. It may as well be apple pie flavored moonshine. Absolutely. Would you like to hear the lyrics to this song, Jimmy? Okay, let's see. Maybe I did, maybe I did not.

So I rocked from the plane of the plane when returning from the trip back home. A moment and a while is real like a long jump to the unknown. Oh, he's using jump shit. Oh, boy.

I know they're there to see me. The cameras are flashing. Where are the things that are nice there? Hello, Matty. Did you miss it? He put his name in it. Yeah, it's about him. Wow.

Tell me. Maybe I took it. Maybe I did not mind it. As long as you wake it, wake it. Towards the days, the better they carry to me and peace is again to my mind. Maybe I took it, maybe I did not mind it. That's what he goes on from there and it repeats. Reminds me of Katy Perry.

It kind of does. I kissed a girl and maybe I liked it, maybe I didn't. What was the beginning of it? Say it again. The first lyrics were about from the plane. I rocked off the plane to the plane. To the plane to the plane. So he's going from plane to plane.

I think that's what he's getting at. I bounce around the world. I'm a fly. I'm a playboy. Back home. Yeah. And there's people and cameras are flashing and he's acting like he's got. You're doing nothing.

You've done nothing. He's acting like he's a rock star. You did a sausage commercial in the last 10 years. That's been your fucking big accomplishment. You're a sausage commercial guy that sings a jingle for booze and beats your wife. Calm down, bro. That's it right there in a fucking nutshell. He's still performing in 2002.

He's going around performing this in concert. We have a review from a journalist of his concert. Quote, I was at a concert of his in Typeola in 2001 or 2002. He was well into his set, pumping up the crowd. It was a packed house of four or 500 people. The next song began, but he forgot to start singing. The fact that it was a shambles meant people loved it even more. That's part of the whole package.

Fuck yes. So he's turned into just, he's such a train wreck. You love a train wreck. He's turned into Gary Busey like 15 years ago. He's turned into what the fucking that I Love the 90s concert is. It's always a train wreck in every city. It's Salt-N-Pepa's mics don't work. It's Vanilla Ice singing the turtle rap.

Two of the guys from Backstreet Boys are trying to make something happen. It's not working. Now, 2003, he's divorced. They get divorced from the Sausage. Mervy and Pervy are no longer. That's not good. Don't worry. There's more.

Christ. 2004 in March, they divorce, but they're still together here. 2004 in March, they go on a trip to Salzburg, Austria, Mervy and Purvey, and he is arrested for beating her and attacking her with a knife. Whoa. Beating her and attacking her with a knife. That's up in the ante for sure. That's up in the ante.

Oh, he's escalating this whole time. It's going to get just worse from here on out. The author that ends up doing his biography later on says, quote, he's Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. When sober, he's one of the nicest and friendliest people I've ever met. When drunk, he's dangerous and aggressive. All right. No shit. He receives a four-month suspended sentence for this assault on his wife.

So she actually goes through with this one. Oh, shit. And I think once a knife was involved, it was out of her hands, I believe. Yeah, now we've got to escalate this. So what do they do? What does she do after this to celebrate him getting off? She marries him again. Oh, my God.

What are you fucking marrying this guy again for? You're a fucking millionaire. You don't have to do this. Oh, Jesus. You don't live in a trailer park and you're like, oh, how am I going to pay my rent? No, you're a millionaire. Kick this asshole in the curb. Find somebody else.

I'll bet they have intense sex and that's what she doesn't want to let go of. They get married on top of a ski jumping ramp. Oh, but. So, of course, dude, that's the equivalent. She should have pushed his ass off. This is the equivalent of Mayfield getting married on the infield. This is the same thing, dude. It's so funny.

I forgot. He should have been. But Edwin Valero, you'll see why it's. It's so funny. I forgot. He should have been Edwin Valero. You'll see why it's his wife. Okay. So I was going to say, I should have put Mayfield into the equivalent, but I feel like he's more Ben Cousins for some reason. So August 24th, 2004.

Yeah. He's at home. He's at a cottage they have somewhere. They have multiple homes. Of course. He's drinking heavily with a friend of his, a 59-year-old guy named Arno Hujanen, who's a 59-year-old guy who they're friends with. And this guy does maintenance work for him around his house. And they're buddies and they drink together.

And this is what year? This is 2004. Okay. August 24, 2004. So he's 41 years old. He's 41 years old. Hanging out with 59-year-old dudes. Drinking beer.

Yeah. Sitting around the cottage, okay? What a fucking degenerate. Okay, now, while they're there, they play a game. It's a traditional... You're going to laugh at this. It's a traditional Scandinavian finger-pulling contest. No, there's no farting involved, okay?

What the fuck is this game? How long it took me to figure out what this was and not just have to say i guess they're seeing who can fart the most when they pull their fingers okay my uncle would have been great at this game it's described as this is some you're bored a game of linking middle fingers across a small card table and attempting on the referee's whistle to yank your opponent out of his seat and over to your side it's tug of war with your middle fingers over a table. Stupid as shit. They're doing this.

Apparently, he gets super pissed, Matty does. He can't beat a 59-year-old dude. He gets super fucking mad at this and stabs the guy twice. Holy shit. Stabbed him with a six-inch knife twice in the back. Fucking hacked at him. Wow. Attacked him and stabbed his ass.

My Christ. Yeah. The police come. Both, now, both Maddie and Murphy are both arrested. What? Because it's their house. Okay. So they arrest them both.

They have to wake her up to arrest her. She doesn't even know what the hell's going on. She's released after questioning because she didn't even know what was happening. So, whatever. They were both hammered. Shit, yeah. Hammered. Husband and wife. His blood alcohol level, this,, yeah. Hammered, husband and wife.

His blood alcohol level, this, I don't know what they use in Finland for blood alcohol level, but his blood alcohol level was 3.4. I don't know what that is. Oh, boy. I don't know if that's equivalent to.34 over here. I don't know what it is, but it's so drunk he didn't even know where he was, basically. Unbelievable. Sleepy.

Yeah. He's stabbing the elderly over a finger pulling this is getting crazy this guy is he has to stay in the hospital for like a week too too good stay he didn't just like right they weren't superficial he stabbed him twice in the fucking back like a maniac he's arrested for attempted manslaughter wow this is no joke like this is for real this is no joke that's we're dying laughing i can't stop laughing but no joke man it's funnier because nobody speaks english that makes it okay and now uh they're gonna try this in court on october 27th 2004 if found guilty he could be sentenced to as much as nine years in prison for this attempted manslaughter.

Uh, his wife is expected to be there, but, uh, they said that she's probably not going to testify against him because in Finland spouses are not required to testify against each other unless they want to, unless they really want to fuck the other person. Right now, October 20, October 27th, like we said, 2004, is sentencing. He's found guilty of this pretty clearly. Because what the fuck else? He had no defense. This was his defense at sentencing.

He said, quote, I don't remember anything. Okay. That's it. I don't remember what happened. So I don't know whatever. The judge says, well, tell you what. Let's give you some time to think about it. Maybe it'll jog your memory.

You, sir sir may fuck off for 26 months in prison whoa eat dicks over two years over two years in prison he only got that low of a thing because it's his first violent offense that's gone that far that's gone this far apart from the sausage beating as far from sausage beatings and minor things here uh now september 17th 2005 he's released from prison not even two years doesn't even do the full years he gets good uh time off for good behavior uh he will be on probation for a while he's good now though he's good now he's gonna be on probation for a while this is september 17th 2005 september 21st 2005 he's arrested again for abusing his wife wow again four days he's been out of jail four days

and he's on probation he got home and for those four days he was stewing let me ask you this jimmy finally lost his mind after after what is that 86 hours i'm gonna give you one guess what he attacked her with jimmy what do you think 96 a knife bingo Bingo. A knife. A fucking knife. Wow. How stupid can you be? Now he's a fucking moron. Did he stab her? Did he get her?

Yeah, he cut her. He cut her with a fucking knife. Oh, boy. He punched her and then cut her with a knife. He attacked her. She had to run away. He was trying to stab her and he cut her with a knife. So now he's in jail like a fucking idiot and he deserves to be.

This is his third stabbing incident. Yeah. Knives away from this be. This is his third stabbing incident. Yeah. Knives away from this guy. Ruined his whole career. He's a goddamn mess. He's sitting in a Finnish fucking jail cell, and all of a sudden the door opens up, and it's Dexter Manley, interior decorator from New York City.

And he says... How is it you've come to arrive here? Seriously. First of all, this cell is just, it's dank. It's very humid over here. It's a lot of moisture and it's playing havoc with my skin right now, my clothes. I don't feel good. I'm chafing.

I need some powder. But that's never mind that. You. My hair is so flat. You. No, it's humid. It's puffy. Puffy, Jimmy.

It's out of control. It's out of control. I don't know what it does. It's puffy. Puffy, Jimmy. It's out of control. It's out of control. It's frizzy. It's the frizz. I used conditioner and I said that should tame it and it doesn't. It doesn't. I need a new conditioner. Never mind all. Sorry, Dexter. I have no hair. You, sir, are white trash.

I'm sorry. I have to say it right now. You're very white, obviously. I mean, everybody knows that. You're just white trash. I look at you and you're just trashy. You're stabbing people strip clubs you're taking your clothes off in front of what is wrong with you I'm sorry I cannot do you are white

you know what I'm going to tell you something right now he's eating with a spork and that's all there is to it Finnish spork which has no fork part it's just a spoon and they call it a spork because it's Finland. Who knows? And poof, in a puff of glitter, he's gone.

Jesus Christ. And he's very confused because he speaks no English. So he just said some dude just came in here and there's glitter everywhere. And he couldn't explain that to the guards, which was another very confusing thing for him. So, yeah, he's arrested for that. March 16th, 2006, he's convicted of assault on his wife. Oh, boy. And he is sentenced to four months in jail for that. How do you get less?

They are so sweet. They are. They're nice over there. They don't say, you didn't learn your lesson. Here's more time than you got before. 2006 is a big year for him, too, though. His biography comes out, Maddie, the biography of Maddie. And it's subtitled Greetings from Hell, which is appropriate here.

Egon Feiner is the author. That is the best title of a biography ever. It is. It's amazing. He says that his autobiography, Greetings from Hell, quote, should be on every bookshelf next to the Bible. Okay. Sounds very born again of you. The guy who wrote the book here, Egon, he said, quote, everyone knows Maddie in Finland.

Absolutely everyone. Maybe he's a little more George Best than David Beckham, but he is definitely one of the most famous Finnish people in history. Ski jumping is one of the national sports, and he unites two very important parts of life. The most successful ski jumper ever and so many headlines in his private life. And then he took off his proton pack. Egon, what the fuck? Egon. Yes, Egon Feiner.

There's only been one Egon in the history of the world. That I've ever fucking heard of, yeah. He ain't this one, and I ain't this one either. Now, at this point, summer of 2006, he's out of prison. He gets out of jail. The four months he does there, he does – actually, no, he doesn't get – he's going to appeal that. We'll talk about that in a second. So he's out.

He's doing his thing. He's in a pizza place in Corplotti. Oh, no. K-O-R-P-L-A-H-T-I. Corplotti. Sweet Pete. He's in a pizza restaurant in Corplotti, and he... You know, you sound...

Corplotti. You sound like Brad Pitt in Inglourious Batch. Yeah, too. Gorlami. Gorlami, no. He's got that. He is with a friend of his. Longtime family friend at this point.

Gorlami. Gorlami. Longtime family friend. They're eating pizza. Is it Antonio Margherita? It's not, actually. I thought it was going to be. So he's hanging out with his friend at a pizza place. Right.

Now, we've had a couple of pizza place problems, too. Pizza places keep coming up. Keep coming up in all of these episodes. There's another pizza place. Right. Now, we've had a couple of pizza place problems. Pizza places keep coming up. Keep coming up in all of these episodes. There's another pizza place problem. He has some sort of disagreement with a friend he's known for 20 years

at a pizza restaurant. No. So he stabs him. Fuck. Jesus. So he stabs him. He fucking stabbed the guy at a pizza restaurant.

You can't do that. You can't stab people in the pizza place. I'm sorry. Jesus. Jesus Christ. So obviously he's in trouble again like a fucking idiot. 2006, a movie comes out.

Maddie, Hell is for Heroes. Nice. It's a movie. It's a huge hit. It's true. Oh, it's true. Hell is for Heroes for sure. Definitely.

It's a huge hit in Finland. It depicts him as what's described in an article as, quote, affable if gullible rogue who many others take advantage of. Oh, God. That's his version of what went on. I was fine. It wasn't me. Not me.

It stars Jasper Pakkonen. P-A-K-K-O-N-E-N. Oh, Christ. Stay in Finland. You're not going to make it anywhere else. That's the guy who plays. Jasper. Who plays him.

I want to hear the description of the movie. Of course. A ski jumper descends from winning four Olympic gold medals to serving two years for stabbing a relative. Careers as a stripper, singer, plus five marriages replete with allegations of domestic violence are fictionalized sympathetically in this dramedy. Dramedy. Wow. At least they got this. They knew it was funny, too.

Alleged exploitation manipulation of Matty due to his naivete and gullibility, along with deterioration of his skiing ability due to heavy drinking and bad decisions is emphasized. Recreation of his skiing ability due to heavy drinking and bad decisions is emphasized. Many Maddie sayings, ala Yogi Berra, attributed to the Finnish skiing legend, are employed as biopic comic dialogue. You mean they threw in the pussies always on my mind quote? Something like that, probably. Yeah, you have to throw that one in there. Absolutely. Now, it drew record audiences in 2006. An estimated 460,000 Finnish people saw that movie.

Jesus. That's almost 10% of the country. Wow. Which is phenomenal. I mean, if 35 million people saw a movie here, that's ridiculous. That's a huge movie. That's a lot of movies. In the theater, that's insanity.

That wouldn't happen. And what is it, $8 to $12 a ticket? Yeah, I don't know what it is over there. Fuck, how much money is that? That's way too much. That's a Star Wars opening. That's what I mean. That's what that is. Finland, that's the version of that. So this brings him some more popularity

again. So he's on a commercial again. Jesus. And I saw this commercial. Oh my God. It's a Norwegian commercial. I have no fucking idea what the product is. None whatsoever. It makes no sense. It's a group of people, a couple of dudes and like three kind of party-ish looking, like all of the dudes and the chicks, not just the chicks.

They look like they're like party people and they're like walking down like a road and they point to a house and they say, quote, hey, Maddie lives there. Could you ring the doorbell? And the one says, I don't dare. And then the other says, I can do it. And they go up to the door and they ring the door and it says his name on the doorbell and they ring it and he opens the door and there's these five people and they're like jaws are dropped like oh my god it's you and the girl the one girl in the middle says to him in the funniest fucking

scandinavian accent i've ever heard in my life she says says, do you want to party? And I'm like, what the fuck is that? Do you want to party? And then he stabs them all. He stabs her right in the fucking face. And he just says, no can do, and closes the door. What is it? Is it like an anti-drinking commercial? That's the commercial.

Right after that, he's sentenced to four months in jail for the assault on his wife in 2004. So that's good. He got another one. Great. 2007, he dec sentenced to four months in jail for the assault on his wife in 2004. So that's good. He got another one. Great. 2007, he declares he is done with alcohol. Oh. Not drinking anymore. I'm good now.

Yeah. Everybody, good now. Don't offer me another drink. Not going to party anymore. No can do. February 2008, he might have stuck to this for a minute because he returns to the senior circuit of ski jumping, which I did not imagine they had a senior circuit. I don't want to see that.

Actually, I kind of do. Old men dying on a ski jump. I kind of want to see that myself. I want to see him crumple up. I kind of want to see that to just fold into pieces. He wins the International Masters Championship. Wow. So, I mean, shit, what are you going to do here?

There was 11 competitors. Jumpers were 40 to 44 years old. And he wins. He's still younger than the guy he stabbed. Yeah, yeah. That's funny. One, we have a Finnish journalist here, like, throwing their quotes on him every once in a while. She said, quote, the Finns don't just tolerate him fitfully.

They really actually seem to like him. He's a simple sporting character, really. He's a lovable, friendly guy, always in a good mood. And as a ski jumping legend, he will always have a place in Finnish hearts. When he said in 2007 that he was giving up alcohol, people were really pleased and wanted him to stick with it. But it seems like he didn't. Yeah.

No, it doesn't seem like he does, as we'll get into here in a moment. More biographies of him are written through this time. get into here in a moment. More biographies of him are written through this time. An introduction into one of the biographies, he writes an intro line that says, quote, I don't have a private life, but I do indeed have a bad image. So he gets it. 2009, mind you, he's still married to Murphy.

He publicly announces that he had an affair with a 23-year-old woman. Why would he do that? I have no idea. Why would he announce it? Why is she sleeping with him? Okay. Well, you know what she does? She files for divorce. Would you like to know how many times she's filed for divorce?

This is time number 14. She's filed for divorce 14 fucking times. What the fuck? They've actually divorced once. 13 of them were false alarms, I guess. I don't know what happened there. Holy shit. Just a fire drill, everybody.

No problem here. 14 goddamn times. Eventually, you just don't believe her anymore. Yeah. You're like, yeah, right, whatever. Sure. Sure you did. She filed, actually put paperwork in 14 times.

And this guy is such a good talker, he talked her out of it 15 times. That's crazy. He seemed, at this point, everybody says he's seeming to settle down. He's trying to settle down. He announces a new TV show. Announces he is putting out a cookbook. Because when I think food, I think this guy must know. He knows sausage.

He's great at dicing shit up, too. He is. He's a good chopper. He also has plans to open a ski resort near his hometown of Jaravava, again, which is 160 miles north of Helsinki. And, yeah, he's hanging out with his former ski jump coach, Matt Pulley, again, Matty Pulley. Now, 2009 in November, he follows through by presenting his own cooking web series called Mattyhan Se Sopan Kieti. Anybody can do that. Yeah, he just filmed himself on his iPhone and cooked it and put it on YouTube.

So there's that. Now, December 2009, he gets in an argument. The holidays are stressful, we all know. He gets in an argument with his wife, with Mervy. What he ends up doing. With his version of Kim Mathers. Yeah, exactly. This is his Robin Givens here.

He's very Eminem and Kim. That's what he's doing every day. Well, the blonde hair, I can see it. He looks like old Eminem. What he ends up doing is, wow, he stabs her with a kitchen knife. Oh, fuck. And he stabs her with a kitchen knife. Oh, fuck.

This is after he stabbed her with a kitchen knife. He beat her and then choked her with the belt from a dressing gown. What the fuck? So now he's choking her with a weapon after he stabbed and punched her. So he stabbed her and now he's choking her and punching her on the ground. He wants her dead. He clearly wants her fucking dead. She has head and hand injuries.

Yeah, she just fighting back. Yeah, she has defensive wounds in her hands from the knife, and he's punching her in the fucking head. She ends up getting away from him somehow and running out of the house and running to the home connected to theirs and calling the police from a neighbor's house. He's arrested for attempted murder this time, which, yeah, spends Christmas in a jail cell, which, sleeping it off, I guess, probably. How dare you think I want skis for Christmas? That's, goddammit, choke stab. His Maddie Pulley there is surprised by this. He thought he was on the right track.

He said, quote, we had done so much together that I felt really bad when I read the news. I had always hoped for something else, something different, because Matty has all the possibilities of doing so much more. I steered him through practices and sent him training programs. Somehow, I don't think that's going to continue. Who the hell said that? His coach, Matty Pulley. All right. You don't think that somehow I don't think that's going to continue.

He's just got arrested for attempted murder. I would say skiing lessons are probably second. They're kind of off for a while. Yeah, I would say skiing lessons are probably second. They're kind of off for a while. Yeah, I would say so. January of 2010, which is the next month, she files her 15th petition for divorce. Yes, which doesn't seem like it's going to happen because she also refuses to give evidence for the charges.

What the fuck is she doing? She refuses to give evidence. They have to drop the attempted murder charge and drop it down to aggravated assault or illegal menace. They finally divorce for good in 2010. Good. Finally. So what he ends up doing is he hooks up with, after this, everybody says he's doing well again. He finds that 23-year-old.

Apparently he gets engaged to Susanna, Jesus Christ Toselani and good enough who's a brand manager who've appeared on the Finnish version of The Apprentice holy Christ so she's like fucking Amorosa yeah he's got that's what he's gonna go out with here apparently she helped him give up alcohol yeah and lead a healthier lifestyle with food and everything else. And he touts his recent success on the veteran circuit as being a sign of his healthy living and the fact that she makes him healthy. He also said he's going to – he's restarting his singing career on and off and will only be making positive headlines from now on. However, the wedding is postponed because he has a bunch of legal issues. Like, I don't know, attempted murder over him.

So he's doing great. He's good now. The author of his book said, quote, it won't last. The author of his book said that. It won't last. He said, quote, nobody can deal with the phenomenon of Nicanon forever. And when you give him the possibility, he will drink and fight again. Shit, yeah.

Anytime he can, he will. There's a little Billy Ray Bates in this, too. We have an in their own word on this one. In their own words. In their own words, quote, you, too, have ordered a beer, maybe two or three in a bar from time to time. But that wasn't in the newspapers the next day. I don't have a private life. Sometimes the media can make you look like a clown.

Consider yourself lucky your name isn't Maddie Night Cannon. No, you did that for yourself. The difference is if I have two or three beers in a bar, I don't go home and try to stab my fucking wife. That's the difference right there. Or stab my 59-year-old finger-pulling friend. Yeah, so now even his shit's delayed. He's got an ex-wife who he stabbed three times now, three different times.

Stabbed his friend twice in the back, then stabbed a guy in a pizza place. Has a failed pop career. Medals are sold to disgrace. I feel bad for all these people, Jimmy. I feel bad for all these people, but not nearly as bad as I feel for tons of them. Maddy Nykanen, team Finland coordinator for the Lati area Finland financial services. What? Maddy Nykanen, product owner and architect at ABB Oi Drives, working with field houses

and industrial Ethernet in Helsinki, Finland. He's a senior design engineer. Wow. and industrial Ethernet in Helsinki, Finland. He's a senior design engineer. Wow. Matty Nykanen, supervisor at Nokia in the Turku, Finland area. Just a guy that talks on his phone. That's just a guy that walks and talks on his phone.

And finally, and also to Matty Nykanen, a flight attendant on Afghanistan Airlines. Oh, Jesus. And finally, Matty Nykanen, a hockey prospect born in 1988 in Finland. Wow. He currently plays for Aku Division III hockey team. Great. I don't know if that's his son or not. Really?

I could not find out if that's his son. But that's what his son is named. But there's a Matty Nykannon born in the year that he had a son. Oh, shit. That plays hockey in Finland. Wow. And his son is a junior for sure. Probably.

Oh, shit. That plays hockey in Finland. Wow. And his son is a junior for sure. Probably. And this here, Matty Nicanon seems to be a common name in Finland. So it might not be his son, but it really works out. And they may be named after him. That's the other thing.

This guy probably is. Because he's so famous. He was born in 88. If their name's Nicanon, you're naming him Matty because at that point he was a god. He was on North Korean postage stamps, for Christ's sake. Fuck yeah. So August 12th. The supreme leader was a god. He was on North Korean postage stamps for Christ's sake. Fuck yeah. The supreme leader was a fan.

A big fan. August 24, 2010. I'll bet you there's so many North Koreans named Dennis Rodman today. And Maddie from the 80s. They probably are. I would love to see if there's any North Koreans named Maddie. I'm not even fucking around. I want to know if there are any named Dennis Rodman. That too. Dennis Rodman-un.

I would like to know if there's any 30-year-olds named Matty running around North Korea if they live that long there. So October 24, 2010, this is court for assault on the wife on Christmas Day here. He is sentenced to 16 months in jail for that. The court ruled a knife was used in the assault and your crime is considered aggravated. You, sir, may fuck off again. Yeah, 16 months. Wow.

Wow. So lenient. Yes, he's convicted of grievous bodily harm and sentenced to that. What happens if you actually kill somebody there? You know, they look at you every once in a while. It's like five years. But if you're good, you know, some good behavior. If you're decent at hockey, maybe they'll get you out of Lorelei, something like that.

Like I said, he's convicted of grievous bodily harm, inflicting of it, and 16 months in jail. He's also ordered to pay 5,000 euros in compensation to his wife for pain and emotional suffering and 3,000 euros for court expenses. So he's also eight grand in the hole about this. There's an appeal to this. He's out during his appeal. June 23, 2011, there's an appeal to this. He's out during his appeal. June 23, 2011, he loses his appeal and he's sentenced to 16 months in jail

and sent to jail for 16 months. He gets out. November 2015. You would think he's just a national disgrace at this point. Nope. Let's, November 2015, he is invited to Finland's Independence Day ball where he says he's determined to steer clear of alcohol.

This is the president. This is the president that holds this party. The president announced his special guests, and it'll be figures who've made a contribution to the nation's cultural life, and that includes an all-time great ski jumper like Matty. He says that Matty, ski jumping unites us as Finns and has brought us decades of thrills, joy, unforgettable moments and stab wounds. Also, you forgot that, Mr. President. Maddie is now married to another woman named Pia.

So this is five. Five. Fifth marriage here. Second Pia. He said that he and Pia are excited about shaking hands with the presidential couple and he's going to follow protocol. He's going to dress in a tuxedo, and he doesn't want to make an asshole out of himself. He says he doesn't want to make any further headlines.

He's going to wear a tuxedo, not drink any alcohol, shake hands like a normal person, show he can be a good boy. He says in their own words, quote, I want to respect the sanctity of the Independence Ball, but I'm also really tired of the constant rumba. So it's best just to leave out the alcohol. I can promise that I won't be touching a drop. Not even the punch. I'll be driving there. The punch. Not even the punch.

I don't want sugar in me. He said, quote, the whole country is probably waiting for me to get off my face and mess up badly. Yeah. Yeah, they are. They're like, oh, this is going to be fun. He's going to punch and stab the president. This is going to be great. The booze isn't and stab the president. This is going to be great. The booze isn't the problem, sir. Stay away from

knives. How about we do that? And booze. He's going to get in a finger-pulling competition with the president and stab him in the back twice. This is not great. So in 2017, this is September of 2017, he's supposed to be... Okay. He gets in a fight in the street.

They find him in the street somewhere with a black eye, look all beat up. He's got the drunken brawl of the street. He says, quote, hey, no one's killing me. If you hit, I'll hit you back. I walked. I went the right way, and the conscience went off. The guys say I lay unconscious on the street for 20 minutes. Whoa.

So he is out cold. That's a long time. That's brain damage time right there. People tried to wake him up and they eventually got an ambulance there. They wanted him to go to the hospital. He refused. Of course. He refused.

This is a dipshit. He said he didn't, he said, quote, the nurses would want me, would have wanted to take it with me, but I'm not going to any hospital in the middle of the night. I did not quite compete, but alcohol had a share in the matter. I went to the hotel at night in the blood, he says. So basically, yeah, he says that he didn't really fight back, I think is what he's saying. I was drunk, and I got my ass kicked, is what he's saying. You took advantage of an old man.

Like when I stabbed a 59-year-old man. Yeah, no shit. They took advantage of an old man. Like when I stabbed a 59-year-old man. Yeah, no shit. November 2017, he is hired. He's like signing autographs. Yeah.

There's a cruise, and he's like on the cruise signing autographs. He's like one of these, hey, come meet Matty type of thing. He's got two security guys at the table with him because they want to make sure he doesn't stab anybody or anything like that uh yeah anyway uh he got shit hammered yeah absolutely shit hammer uh shit hammered he uh was drinking liquor hard liquor and got so fucking drunk that he passed out in the in the room like in the where the people were getting autographs and his two security guys had to carry him to his room. They had to pick him up off the floor and carry him to his room. Oh, sweet Jesus. Yeah, he was laid to sleep.

This was before anybody came for autographs. They were waiting. They're like, there he is. I'm online. I'm 10th online. And he fell on the floor, and they carried him away, and he's gone. So he's still a disaster. That was three months ago, two months ago.

So he's still a complete mess. Can't get enough of Matty? No. I honestly can't get enough of Matty. No, three months ago. Two months ago. So he's still a complete mess. Can't get enough of Matty? I honestly can't get enough of Matty. I'm with this guy. You can go to Amazon.com and get that Matty biography by Igor Theiner for 1995. Only one. Egon, right? Egon. Egor. Oh, it is Egor.

Egor. It says Egon. I've seen Egon and Egor. I'm going to go with Egon. It's probably a fucking shit translation. It's probably what it is. One left in stock over there. So get there. He has albums. Download his.

You can buy his songs online. They're terrible. Don't buy those. It's so bad. Also, a link to his official site, like on IMDB. Yeah. A link to his site is no longer up. So I found another site that he has.

He couldn't afford his GoDaddy subscription. It doesn't open. His site's like a piece of shit. And you click on it. It doesn't open. And it says it's going to redirect, and you click on it, and it doesn't open. And it says it's going to redirect you there, and then nothing happens. It redirects to North Korea. Yeah, exactly.

And you get a picture of his postage stamp, and it's over with. But that's Matty Nakani. My Christ. That is Finnish ski jumping. That is a crazy-ass episode, one of our craziest episodes ever. Isn't it amazing that a country still can't create a more famous Finn than Dan Marino? Like, Dan Marino's most famous Finn. Like, Dan Marino, Mercury Morris.

Dolphins. Yeah. Fins, right. The Dolphins. Yes, yes, yes. You're getting it. You are on it with these fucking puns tonight, man. Jesus Christ. You know who else? Flipper Anderson, Jimmy. That's who else. Son of a bitch. That'd be funny bitch a whole country that's maddie knight cannon in the crazy little country of finland yes that's a wild one like we said we're

gonna give you all the guys you know about everybody believe me it's all coming this is better i'm sorry this is fucking better than hearing about chris benoit it's better it's just much better and it's funnier and if you agree with us, you can show us that by going to iTunes and giving us a review. Please give us five stars. Tell us your following instructions, following directions, everything like that. You can go to crimeandsports.threadless.com for all of your crime and sports and small town murder merchandising needs. Also, if you want to be an amazing person, like one of our awesome, awesome,

awesome, awesome people who have produced and have given us everything that we have that we can even claim, you can do that by going to patreon.com slash crime and sports. Or you can make a one time donation at PayPal using our email address, crime and sports at gmail.com. And believe me, every single penny is super appreciated. Live show in Boston, February the 18th, 4 p.m. at Laugh Boston. 1 p.m. is Small Town Murder. 4 p.m. Crime in Sports. And if you'd like to get a hold of the show, you can do that.

No problem at all. At Crime and Sports on Twitter and Instagram. Facebook.com slash Crime and Sports. Crime and Sports at gmail.com. Crime and Sports everywhere all over the world, including Finland, goddammit. And we have an amazingly long list of incredible people that we just want to hug, but they're too far away. Our producers. Jimmy, why don't you hit us with that list right now?

This week, you guys, was fucking incredible. Christiane Castelli and Sarah Gilbo continue to be fantastic. Thank you both for being just angel to us. We hope everything's going well over there. No doubt. I don't know if you saw the email. We got an email from Mercury DePhillips. It's an email about a 60

year old in an apron, which was fantastic. Thank you, by the way. And then I got a snap today from her daughter asking if we got it. And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I've seen that one. And then she said that she thought we ignored it. We did not ignore it. No, no, no, we didn't ignore it.

And she looks terrific in it. There was a little bit of side boob. The email said, brace yourself for a 60-year-old side boob. Oh, yeah, yeah, I remember that. And by the way, I've slept with much uglier girls in their 20s. So good for you, Mercury. Keep it up. You're doing fine.

I don't know what was the worst part of that statement. I don't know what's going to make everybody madder, but we'll find out. We'll get emails. At Whistler sucks. Guys, don't send it to the page. Benito Martinez, Mariah Min here over in Deutschland. Oh, she's great. And she's Dutch.

She's Dutch. She told me where she's at. Yeah, Deutschland, Germany. And I forget every time. She's great. And she's Dutch. She's Dutch. She told me where she's at. Deutschland, Germany. And I forget every time. She's Dutch. She is definitely Dutch. Netherlands. I tried to say Netherlands.

No, it's not. Netherlands is Dutch. Is that where she's at? If she's Dutch, then yeah. Okay. It is Netherlands. That's definitely right. Thank you, Mariah, for being fantastic.

Adam Davies, Jessica Leitke, Roxy Goetz, Daniel Whitford, Julian Flores, Tiffany Robertson. Where did I go? Alyssa Rosas. Rosas? Rosas? Rojas? Rosas? It's two S's.

Rosas? Rosas. Ethan Ford, Kelsey Munoz. I hope your little girl gets better. Thank you so much. Andrea or Andrea Johnson, Barbara Lamka, Leslie Green, Lonnie or Lonnie? It's Lonnie, right? That's Lonnie.

Yeah, Lonnie Stretch. David Stanich, David L. Hemsley, Xander Myers, Callum Siglinski. He donated both on Patreon and then over at PayPal. That's so awesome. Thanks for the effort. Xander Myers. That's cool. Did I say?

I said Xander Myers. Yeah. Scott Howells, he loved an episode of Crime and Sports. So thanks, Scott. Awesome. Appreciate you. Extraordinary Stories podcast. Angela Chadwick, go listen to that Extraordinary Stories podcast.

Stephanie Chapman. We don't know if it's good, but they gave us some money. I don't. Give them a shot. Give them a look. Hey, give them a chance. Jennifer Thompson did both also. Donated on Patreon and then over at PayPal.

Thank you, Jennifer. Spencer Gaynor, Samantha Gibson, Dominique Waller, Drunk Bray Wyatt. That's fascinating. Drunk Bray Wyatt. That's a wrestler, right? Really? Bray Wyatt's a wrestler? Oh, you're right.

That's true. I've heard that name. So Drunk Bray Wyatt. I don't watch modern wrestling, but I've heard that name before. That's true. Amy Starr. Thank you, Amy. Josh Cole and Britt Cole.

Thank you both. Keith. Is it Keith? No, it's Kevin. Kevin Wagner, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Kevin Wagner in Jersey sent... Is it Kevin? It's got to be Kevin.

Yeah, yeah. Kevin Wagner sent money through... Yeah, yeah, yeah. The guy sends money through the fucking mail. That's so cool. Thank you, man. Snail mail shit. It's so cool. It's fantastic. It's great. I feel like my grandmother sent me a card when I'm eight. It so cool. Thank you, man. Snail mail shit. It's so cool.

It's great. I feel like my grandmother sent me a card when I'm eight. It's awesome. Thank you, dude. Seriously. Lena Sears, Hazy Nelson, Olivia Fung, Becky Miller, Stephanie Dymek. No, Stephen Dymek. Not Stephanie.

Stephen, bro. I'm so sorry. Stephen Dymek. We just gave you a janitor. Right. Carissa Snyder, Pete Yankura. Pete Yankura. That's it.

He's got yank at the beginning of his last name. That gets you very excited. You're like, hey, my man. It makes me go, that's definitely not yank. My man. Right, right. Nadia Skulia. Skulia?

Skali. S-K-A-U-L-I. Skali? Skali. Sure. We'll call it that. Nadia. Thank you, Nadia.

Ashley Hathaway. Doug Burton. Daniel? Scully. Sure. We'll call it that. Nadia. Thank you, Nadia. Ashley Hathaway. Doug Burton. Daniel Frumkin. Amy. Jesus Christ. Really? The easiest. Amy L. Jones.

I'm going to fucking stutter that. Yeah. Amy Jones is about as easy as you get. You're not going to get much better than that. Amy L. Jones. Thank you. Talena Jensen. Elizabeth Armour.

Jared Crook. Stacey Huffaker. She's the best. Thank you. There's got to be something. We figured it out. Did you? I'll tell you afterwards, but there's an algorithm there to that.

Thank you. She sent us a message explaining it. Oh, hilarious. That's fantastic. Thank you so much. For everything. Jared Crooks, I already said that. Stephanie Huffaker, there she is.

Stephen Mace, Catherine Collado. Esther Wright. Michelle Jolly. She's fantastic also. Oh, yeah. She sends me shit on Snap. Australian, right? Yes, I think so. Amy Pohanek. Oh, yeah.

Rise Probin. Rachel Dean. Carol Hayden. Thank you so much, Carol, by the way. That was a fucking unbelievable donation. Thank you. So nice of you. Luke Rogers.

Nilou Rafsanjani. What? Are you shitting me? You got that right. That was amazing. She's going to be blown away. Kathleen Thill. Samantha Taylor.

She has a podcast called Hidden Staircase Podcast. So listen to that if you can. Megan Strapik, of course. Of course. She didn't hear her name the other day. Oh, wow. So I just wanted to make sure. Megan Strapik, Megan Strapik.

There it is. And we'll definitely see you in Boston. For sure. Geekcast Live podcast. I'm not sure what that one is. I haven't listened to it yet. Where are all these podcasts donated? Oh, because they want a plug.

Of course they do. That's pretty fucking – Isn't that fucking clever? That's very smart. That's clever, though. We should have thought of that back in the day when we needed it. Right. No doubt.

Fucking, yeah. Good jobs. Way to think, guys. Dana Grayson started a podcast, and he has a website, stateofgrayson.com. He's a trucker, and – We love Dana. He's a good guy. He's fantastic. He's a good dude. Give him a shot. Whether it's good or not, listen to a trucker. We love Danny. He's a good guy. Give him a shot.

Whether it's good or not, listen to him. Give him a shot because he's a good guy. That's what it is. Give him a chance. There you go. Brandy Allen donated. She's an author. She's the one that sent us those children.

Oh, those are great. My daughter loved that. She's an artist. My daughter, she was like, the illustrations are beautiful. She wanted us to tell you that. And there was so much to the imagination. My daughter had all kinds of questions. I was like, thanks a lot, Brandy.

She just wanted her to know how beautiful she thought her illustrations were. My seven-year-old wanted more explanation. I was like, I don't know. The words are in the book. That's what you got. That's it. She's from Spain. I don't know what to tell you. She's from America. Lives in Spain. Joseph Shelpman,

Zachary Dubois, and Lauren Le Bourgeois. Isn't that fucking... Jesus. Both of them right next to each other. Coming out. James Cook, Naima Shea, Amy Negley, Timothy Young, and then Wyvern Workshop. I'm not sure what that is, but Google that and give them some whatever business. Tyler Dyke, I think, or Dick. It can't be Dick, right?

It's either one. It's D-Y-K. It's got to be Dyke, right? I would think. I don't know. Tyler – Yeah, Dyke. It's got be a dick, right? It's either one. It's D-Y-K. It's got to be dyke, right? I would think. I don't know. Tyler, that's unfortunate. I'm sorry, dude. John Weypert, thank you guys so much for everything you guys do.

Really quickly, I just, listen, we get a ton of fucking emails, and we get a lot of emails from people telling us that we help them through a lot of tough stuff, like legit life challenges and legit hurdles that I can't fathom being faced with. And the thing is, we pay attention to it. Right. And we'll tell each other, oh my God, did you see that one from that? And we talk about it and it means the world to us. It does.

It really does. I'm not thankful for the awful obstacles, obviously, but I'm thankful for the grace and humble humility with which these people handle the things that are being thrown at them. Yes. I'm a cold-hearted asshole most of the days, and it's because of the tortures that I've endured in my short lifetime, which it's only gotten this far by the grace of dumb luck, chance, and happenstance that I'm here now.

And there are people in this world suffering through turbulent and uncertain futures. I just want you guys to know that we think about that stuff all the time. Every goddamn day I think about it. And I thank you guys for listening. I thank you for laughing. I thank you for getting it. But thank you for spending your time with us, because that's the shit that's more valuable than money.

And I realize we entertain you in a cubicle, in your car, sometimes more intimately that in your house or in your bed. But you're doing something for us when you laugh and you enjoy it. And time is precious. And when you spend it a little on a review, reviewing this, interacting on social media, telling a friend, or actually giving a shit and listening, you guys are giving something back, giving to us something that you can't get back. And that's why we try to involve you.

Right. So from the bottom of my cold, black, brittle, calloused, shitty heart, thank you guys so much for caring and thanks for being around. Yeah, we appreciate it very much. We appreciate you caring and we appreciate you guys kind of making us a part of what you do and a part of your life and a part of everything. And then if you do anything

extra for us, that's just ridiculous. It's amazing. It's so amazing that it's actually silly. That's how awesome it is. Now, what if one of these fine people wanted to get a hold of a gentleman like yourself? Jimmy, how could they do that? You can find me at WismanSucks, W-H-I-S-M-A-N Sucks on Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat.

I try to put things up quite frequently, and we read all the emails, and we try to get back to as many as possible. We had one there's a detective. This is the best thing ever. It's fucking amazing. Holy shit.

No names, no jurisdiction, no town, no state. I'm telling you shit. It's a goddamn. But I will tell you, there is a detective. Homicide. Homicide. When he investigates and questions people, the first line he says to them is, how is it you've come to arrive here?

With the pimp accent. Imagine you are a murder suspect and you go in there and you're like, what are they going to ask me? They're going to ask me if I saw her last, did I kill her, why is there blood on my shoes? And he comes in and goes, how is it you've come to arrive here? And that accent, that has to be the most confusing, scary, frightening thing on the planet. Like, this guy's lost his fucking mind. We have changed something.

Oh, I love that so much that is the best if that's the only thing we ever change i'm fucking content i can die tomorrow that's amazing i'm so thrilled with that man so uh yes get a hold of jimmy there if you want to get a hold of me you can do it very easily at jimmy p is funny yes uh or you can try to copy and paste my last name just copy and paste it don't spell it there's an i in there it's very confusing it's worse than a fin a Finnish name without kumats. That said, everybody, goddamn, did we have a good time this week.

That was a great one. That was fun. And, of course, we'll be back next week and every other week after that. As a matter of fact, live from the Crime and Sports studios, we will see you next week. Bye!

Bye! Bye! hey prime members you can listen to crime and sports early and ad free on amazon music download the amazon music app today or you can listen early and ad free with wondery plus an apple podcast before you go tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondery.com slash survey. If you don't know when Crystal Pepsi was discontinued, what was in Al Capone's vault, or which famous meteorologist is Lenny Kravitz's second cousin, then you haven't spent enough time on Wikipedia.

But that's okay. I am here for you. I'm Darcy Carden, and I'm inviting you to listen to my new podcast, WikiHole, from Smart here for you. I'm Darcy Carden, and I'm inviting you to listen to my new podcast, WikiHole, from SmartList Media. Discover the craziest rabbit holes on Wikipedia with me and my funny friends as we bring the cyber frontier directly to your tympanic membrane. And if you listen to my podcast, you'd learn that that's the science-y term for eardrum. We embark on a hyperlink rollercoaster as we start out on a Wikipedia page and go

from link to link to link to link, careening through trivia, oddities, and unexpected connections until we collectively shout, how the hell did we get here? Follow WikiHole on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to WikiHole ad-free by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.