Crime in Sports - #112 - Flexing His Crime Muscles - The Exhaustiveness of Jose Canseco

Episode Date: April 3, 2018

This week, we travel down a long path, littered with idiocy, arrogance, and steroid needles. He was as well renowned as you can be, but he always had a secret. A secret that he had no problem revealing, at a later date, in tell all book style. In between, he drove like an idiot, had crazy pets, hung out with Madonna, and got arrested... A whole bunch of times. It's a extra large, steroid riddled, non-stop crazy edition of CIS!Fill yourself full of enough drugs to hit 462 home runs, have your ex-wives write tell all books about you, and send your twin brother to sign autographs for you with Jose Canseco!!Check us out, every Tuesday. We will continue to bring you the biggest idiots in sports history!!Hosted by James Pietragallo & Jimmie WhismanDonate at... patreon.com/crimeinsports or with paypal.com using our email: [e-mail] all the CIS & STM merch at crimeinsports.threadless.comFor Tickets To Upcoming Live Shows... Go to shutupandgivememurder.com/live for tickets to all live shows!!!Los Angeles San Diego Sacramento San Francisco Portland Seattle Chicago Philadelphia New York NashvilleContact us on...twitter.com/[e-mail]/Crimeinsportsinstagram.com/crimeinsports   See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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It's an all-new season. Judy Justice. Only on Freebie. Hello and welcome to Crime and Sports. Yay! Oh, yay indeed, Jimmy. Yay indeed. My name is James Petrigallo. I'm here with my co-host. I am Jimmy Wissman.

Thank you, folks, so much for joining us on an extra special, jam-packed, crazy, famous person edition of Crime and Sports. Oh, fantastic. This is one of the craziest ones we've done. Whenever people talk about what's your favorite. You say it every week. But there's certain ones where it's like people say what their favorite episode is, and they're like, oh, Riddick Bowe sick was crazy because they're like top to bottom crazy you know what i mean and then sometimes it's like someone did a crazy murder and that's what they like but this is one of those shows where it's just top to bottom insane and this guy cannot go three months without doing something crazy and it's entertaining whether illegal or not just crazy

in general i love it so let's get to this but before we do i just want to remind you live shows for small town yes coming up all over the country this week in la april 5th in la also uh april 7th in san diego those are the newest or those are the soonest ones to arrive to you also itunes reviews yes you haven't done it yet please get on itunes it is the it's the it's the the fuel that keeps this going it please get on iTunes. It is the fuel that keeps this going. It really does. It's plasma. It does. It's the thing that drives us up the charts and makes us

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end of the show but that's that's for the end of the show we'll save that all right we'll save the complaints because we don't need that right now because we have such a jam-packed episode of insanity yeah we need to get right to it all right that's where we're at right now let we have such a jam-packed episode of insanity yeah we need to get right to it all right that's where we're at right now let's fucking do it we're not even we have no time to screw around let's do this let's get to it with have you ever i know you've heard of this person yeah i'm always like have you ever heard of this person it's what is it one out of ten you're like all right yeah that guy jose can say oh fuck yeah you know j. He's a hero. We all know Jose Canseco. He's wonderful. He's your kind of guy? He's my kind of guy. Okay.

We'll hold that in there. He actually might be your kind of guy. I fucking love that guy. I don't think you know everything about Jose Canseco. Or Jose Canseco Capus Jr. No, is he really? You bet your balls he's a junior. You know he's a junior.

Of course. Of course he's a junior. That's crazy. And this episode is full. junior. You know he's a junior. Of course. Of course he's a junior. That's crazy. And this episode is full. Yeah. Chock full. Jam-packed. Junior behavior.

Just junior behavior. It is disturbing the amount of junior behavior that this man exhibits. Great. Well, let's see where it started. It started all the way back on July 2nd, 1964. Yeah. For Jose and his twin brother. Oh, that.

Is that true? He's got an identical twin brother, Ozzy. Yeah. Remember? He played baseball, too. His baseball card was sick. Because I remember he had a brother that played, but I don't know if it was Ozzy. It's his identical goddamn twin.

Ozzy Canseco. Identical looks exactly like him. How come I don't know that and I love Jose Canseco? I have no idea. They played on the A's together, for Christ's sake. Yeah. Yeah, they played together on the same team and they looked identical. But it was his twin?

Identical twin. Okay. Same day, everything. All all right it wasn't for him like six months later and he was like holy shit he looks just like jose that's so weird two years later amazing two years younger they look identical wow there's a magic his mother's got magic uh her vagina's a copy machine she's got magic ovaries her vagina is sponsored by Xerox. That's right. As most are. As most vaginas are sponsored by Xerox. That I found out. That is wonderful.

Honestly. So his father, Jose Sr., obviously, taught English at a college in Cuba. How fucked is that? To be the twin brother. Yes. We've discussed this before where we're like, they didn't name him Jr. and then name somebody name somebody no this they actually did that but when there's a brother yes it's a different story a twin when it's an actual twin brother identical that's fucked up that's messed up you're a junior you're you're the apple of my eye yeah name you after me uh you and the other, Ozzy. You, eh, Ozzy. Take that, dickhead. Yeah.

Enjoy. Enjoy Osvaldo, because that's his real name. Is it? Yeah, of course. Hey, Osvaldo. This is my real son, Jose Jr. You look exactly alike, but you're not quite as good as him. Oh, that's so fucked up. So how does that feel?

So yeah, his father taught English at a college in Cuba. His mom's name was Barbara, which isn't a very cuban name last time i checked but that's fine uh they wanted to leave cuba since cast when castro took over and in 59 they were a little kind of itching to get out sure his father also worked with something with offshore american like oil interests really also yeah there's something that he worked with there somehow through there he finagled a way to get into the united states legally uh for everybody they didn't have to float over or anything i mean i'm sure they floated over but uh you know it wasn't like uh they were it wasn't under gunfire or anything like that

like a 64 falcon well they might have but we were expecting them when they got here no one said no no turn over they were like okay come on consecos we have your you're on the list that's fine they had them on the list they got them fine. They had him on the list. They got him in. They have a nice table, nowhere near the bathroom. It was very nice. Actually, it was near the bathroom because they stayed in Florida, which is America's bathroom.

It's the bathroom. That's where, where's the, it's in the, it's in the bottom corner down there. Yeah. Thing that looks like a dick. Just right there at your chair is fine. Just right there. No problem. Once you're down there, just anywhere is good.

Once you're in Florida, anywhere is your toilet. Just leave leave it your toilet is where you choose to have your toilet uh so in 65 they come over here that's uh so jose was born in cuba he's born in havana and comes over when he's a baby i didn't know that yeah oh he's born in cuba i'm a huge fan of this guy cuban born player which is i'm the biggest fan ever i didn't know where he was born and i didn't know he had a twin brother you knew a lot about him it's it's funny because all this i there's a book out there that i found it's this is actually where this uh article is from because uh i don't want to believe his juiced book a lot yeah like i took some funny quotes from there but everything else i'm going to take that has kind of corroboration and stuff like that and same thing goes for one

of his ex-wives tell all books also that i also read oh that's awesome and then there's this also this book that came out in 1989 yeah and it's like it's called like jose canseco the 40 40 man and it's like one of those books that you take out in the school library when you're like 10 on sport like i read one about like emerson boozer when i was in like the fourth grade the old jets running back from it was like a 30 year old book when I was reading one of those. So it was one of those and I found it like photocopied into archive.org and I read this thing. What is the 40-40 man?

The 44, 1980, 80 hit 40 home runs, stole 40 bases. He's the first guy to ever do that. We'll get there, Jimmy. We'll get there. For now. Sorry, I'm skipping ahead. He's a young Cuban boy who's just floated over here with his parents and his twin brother. Still has seagull shit on his shoulder.

I'm telling you, man. He's a sister, Teresa. They come over here. So this is when he was nine months old they got here. They settle in Opelika, Florida, which is, I guess, northwest of Miami. Jose Sr. gets a job as a territorial manager for an oil company which is what he was working with earlier uh in 1975 uh the family moved to southwest miami and uh that's kind of more of a cuban area apparently and uh so they were kind of getting back to their roots here

uh nobody could tell the kids that little havana area i don't know i'm not sure close to it but it's a it's a quite they just say it's a large cuban community in several places so i mean it's a shithole i was good because of the cubans is that why or just in general i'm just plus cubans it's southwest this place sucks and cubans is that what you were saying or were you saying this place sucks because of cubans whatever which one are you making a distinction interpret it how you take it as you will should be hating cubans all of a sudden it's not necessarily that it's just that miami in general is a shithole the place is terrible persecuted son of a bitches how dare they unless you're right on the beach with the white sands in florida yeah and i've said if you want tommy bahama shorts and and that's like 50 feet away from the water that's where

it's nice anything more west and north of that it's all just jacksonville with better looking women let's be realistic here come on just like phoenix's tucson with nicer restaurants that's all it is it's the same thing. We've made fun of Tucson plenty. Nobody could tell the kids apart when they were younger. Of course. Except Jose kind of grew taller faster sometimes. They'd be like, oh, yeah, Jose's the taller one.

I've heard the encouragement from your father kind of makes you grow. It makes you taller. Well, this is an experiment that they actually, is in the new england journal of medicine uh when you have two children you name one jose jr and you fertilize him and give him food and water he grows big and strong the other one eats the scraps and ozzy generally stays small wait wait till you see uh the baseball career comparison ozzy is truly the runt of this litter let's just say that he's definitely the runt of the litter here uh jose also has a birthmark on his right hand's just say that. He's definitely the runt of the litter here. Jose also has a birthmark on his right hand.

Did you know that part? I didn't know that. It's pretty, it's like fuzzy, furry too. It's pretty gross looking. Yeah, it's pretty. Oh, vile. It's got a pretty funky looking birthmark. But anyway, they were into baseball right away. They are Cuban.

They couldn't even help it. It was just, they just, they just, they didn't even know why they went outside and they just were hitting baseballs. They didn't, they didn't even have a bat. They just picked up a stick and they were good at it and they're like this is insane it's strange other ball bags have the same stitching as a baseball it's very well that's they said this is familiar to me when they picked up the baseball their seam on their sack is very is very ovulated yeah ovulated that's not a word no i don't think that's what you were going for at all. Ovulated. What am I doing?

Wait a second. So Cubans, nutsacks. So if there's Cubans there, it's a shithole. Their nutsacks are ovulated. All right, moving on. Just checking. Just checking. What the fuck am I saying? So the kids loved baseball, like I said right away, and they were both good at it.

So the kids loved baseball, like I said right away, and they were both good at it. One of their teammates on a neighborhood team was Bert Pasquale, who's the son of a guy named Camilo Pasquale, who's a Cuban pitcher who played in and out of the majors for 18 years. So that's a good guy to know. Nobody thought that Jose or Ozzie were going to be the next big thing. No one looked at him and said, holy shit, Roberto Clemente in front of us when they were kids. They just, they didn't.

They were too, they were thin. They played for Coral Park High School and they were two of the thinner guys. Jose was about 6'1". He weighed 155. Wow. When he was started on the baseball team in high school.

He played third base, which is interesting. Did he really? He pitched later on too in high school. But you didn't know that? Wait till you see two. He's, Jimmy, he's still pitching today, we'll say. I'm not even fucking with you. Okay.

He's still – we'll get there. Oh, my. Is it a mess? You're right. So, yeah. These guys here, they're both kind of skinny. Ozzie played the outfield. Real quickly, before we go further, in the majors, first base, correct?

No. No? No. Outfield. Outfield. Why do I see him in first base uh because he's a big stiff and you expect him to play first base oh yeah no outfield okay he's outfield and then designated hitter as soon as i possibly get him there yeah no he wasn't playing anything else

yeah he was uh i loved this guy i swear to you i feel it it seems like it you must have really worshipped him collected everything he would be He would be very, I'm sure. I just loved his mouth. Impressed with the knowledge. That sounded. You loved his mouth? I just loved his mouth. It was pretty.

It was so pretty. I looked at his lips. He has a handsome fucking dude. He glistened in the afternoon sun playing first base. Outfield. I thought he. Never mind. I misremembered.

The first baseman had the glistening lips. I don't know. Somebody. Maybe it was Mark McGuire. I thought he played first base. No,ed the first baseman had the glistening lips i don't know somebody maybe it was mark mcguire he played first base no no that was mcguire at first base is that who i'm thinking of maybe you're thinking there but did you love mcguire i like mcguire too were you not even a fan of conseco's you just loved mark mcguire i thought he was and i just confused the two because they were both fucking huge neck droided fucks that's funny man so uh anyway they they seem to get better as time went on as they got older they got a little bit better here ozzy was actually the more touted uh prospect really uh yes scouts

were looking at uh ozzy more than jose they'd come to watch ozzy and they'd be like oh yeah he's got a brother too uh that sort of of thing. Yeah, fuzzy hand over there. Yeah, fuzzy. Check out, you know. Check out that dude with that shit stain on his hand. Check out cockroach hand over here. That's what it looked like. It had an insect crawling on him. This is about the size of that.

So by his senior year, though, he grew a couple more inches because he ends up being 6'4", you know, big jacked guy, obviously. Fucking huge man. Then he put on some weight, put on like 15 pounds. He just got a little bit older here. But nobody wanted to draft him in the June 82 amateur draft. Ozzie goes in the second round. How about this?

Ozzie goes in the second round as a pitcher. The Yankees pick him, which is interesting here. And Jose, just he's waiting. He's waiting. He's waiting. Nobody picks him. nobody picks him nobody picks him finally this uh pascal guy that that his mentor kind of actually takes his wallet out and puts it on the table and says i will pay his bonus just draft this game wow like you need to draft

him he said literally said i'll pay the i'll pay a signing bonus i don't care just take i'll write you a check right now make sure this kid goes so So they finally draft Jose in the 15th round. So, I mean, that's, the 15th round is so late. You're picking up just, eh, what about that guy? Whatever. I hear that guy's good. Like, you don't even, I don't know, we never watched it. He has great shoulders.

He can carry bags. Have you seen his picture? That guy's a handsome guy. All he's going to do is carry bags. That's it. Well, let's get him in here. I bet he's good at it. So, yeah, he actually had a tough time right away in his first six games here.

We'll talk about he got one hit in six games. He got a single in six games, his first six games in the minor. So he had a tough time. He was having a tough time just adjusting to everything. Because his name's Jose Canseco, all the reporters thought he didn't speak English, too. Oh, that's great. They'd come up and be like, tacos? Tacos?

Enchilada? And he's like, why are you talking like that, dude? I grew up in fucking Florida. What are you doing? He didn't understand it. He didn't get like, oh, yeah, they think that. Say taco with a Jewish accent. Yeah, if you're like, pardon, yeah, they think that. So that kind of like. Say taco with a Jewish accent. Yeah, if you're like, pardon?

Yeah, you can get it here. That's amazing. At all. He's never even been to Cuba. That seems. Besides when he was nine months old. I mean, early 80s, California. Early 80s, America.

Just anybody was late 80s. When I was a kid growing up, people said horrible shit, too. His first minor league team was in miami so they were just like oh he's a cuban kid from miami named jose canseco he floated over here like six months ago clearly like you know who knows who this kid is tacos he's like no i'm from here so uh yeah he was it's funny too in high school he went to a state all star game as a pitcher he pitched an inning and gave up three earned runs in three walks, which is telling.

It's kind of a little something foretelling things to come on the mound for him when he actually pitches. That's hysterical. And also, he played for Carroll City High School in the senior year in Opelika, Florida, and also Nick Asaski, who played for the Reds in the 80s, and Danny Tartable went there. Oh, is that right? Yeah, the Yankee royal was good till he went to the yankees fantastic yeah interesting there great good for him uh so yeah he plays for the miami marlins that's the first

team which is funny that they had a my that was the minor league team back then amazing yeah there's a lot of what they are now that's what they are now yeah he played uh he had a 111 average in six games then he goes to id Idaho Falls for the Idaho Falls A's. Oh, my God. The A's have very little creativity in their farm system, as we're going to find out. Every team is named the A's. They're just all the A's. If you've been to Idaho Falls, though, you know that is not where the athletics, you know, like there's, there's, there's.

It's not where the kids dream to be. And nobody in that town. No one's dreaming. You would not see a single soul in that town and be like we should name our team the Athletics nobody looks athletic well he was decently athletic that year in rookie ball

28 games he hit.263 with two homers so that wasn't bad 83 season he's the Madison Muskies of single A he plays for which that's the most Wisconsin-sounding team ever. The Madison. Might as well call him the Wisconsin Walleye.

It would be the only thing more. He plays 34 games, only hits 159 with three home runs. So he has a really hard time his first couple years. He's not great. Goes to Medford, Medford, Oregon. Medford A's, they are, of A ball. 59 games, and there he hits 269 with 11 homers. Now we're talking.

Now he's starting to see it here. Starting to get it a little bit more. 84 season, he's with the Modesto A's, which is another farm team for the A's. Ridiculous. Mark McGuire's on this team with us. Really? This is when he first encounters Mark McGuire. Starts to know him.

Mark McGuire coming off the Olympics that year. He was on the american baseball what yeah mcguire was why i had his baseball card the 85 85 tops had a uh mark had an olympic team series and mcguire's rookie card uh from is it fleer the one with like the wood grain back yeah those are those are 87 tops you're talking about is that what that is? 87 tops of the wood grain on the side. And that's his normal rookie card. But in 85, they just had an Olympic team set. And he was on that. This was before whatever.

Before a rookie card. Before his rookie card, yes. He was in the USA uniform and shit. He wasn't even in a team uniform. This year, Jose plays in 116 games, hits 276 with 15 home runs, 73 RBI, and 10 steals. Starting to show some speed, too. The 85 season, he comes in, and he gained 25 pounds of muscle in the offseason. People are like, well, that's interesting.

Where did that guy get that? Wow, that's new. How the fuck did you do that, dude? Look, and it's all solid rock muscle. 45 pounds. He looks like he's a bodybuilder. I mean, you've've seen conseco in later years yeah there's photo shoots just look up a picture of jose conseco muscles and there's a

million shots of him flexing everything he's a monster the ones with the bat over his shoulders are fucking impressive yeah he looks like it's amazing he looks like it looks like a professional wrestling like for 80s wrestling uh like photo shoot jaw. His jawline, everything is perfect. Absolutely. So this year he comes in like, and he's ripping it up too. He's hitting like crazy. David Wells, the pitcher, fat David Wells, who threw a perfect game from the Yankees and Blue Jays and several other teams. Didn't he do that drunk too or hungover?

Hungover. Hungover. One o'clock afternoon game. Wells is going to be hungover at one o'clock afternoon. He's like, fuck, I'm pitching shit. All right, well. All all right then that's amazing well that's you you gotta be too fucked up to to focus enough to uh let it get to your head that's a good point if you're hung over you're like you're not even thinking about you're like get through this inning yeah throwing up i've got a headache

and i want to get the fuck out of the let's not dry heave on the mound that's what you're working on doing so let's get the fuck out of here sun. Let's not dry heave on the mound. That's what you're working on doing. So let's get the fuck out of here. It has nothing to do with, oh, man, if this guy gets a hit, I blow my perfect game. You're like, if he gets a hit, I got to stay out here and maybe throw up. I got to throw at least three more pitches. Yeah, I have to. This is going to suck. So Wells said, quote, he's talking about he met him in the 84 season.

And he says, quote, one year later, Canseco and I would cross paths again. him in the 84 season and he says quote one year later conseco and i would cross pads again and i was stunned to find out that quote the idaho skinny guy had somehow grown up to be a freaking macy's balloon brand new biceps ripped out from under his uniform brand new thick slabs of beef padded his formerly bony frame a pair of tree trunks now connected to his ankles uh seven innings and two 450-foot moonshots later, I still had no idea what to make of the new improved mutant. Was this kind of supersized growth spurt even possible? What the hell is this monster eating?

Steroids, drugs is what he was eating. I can't believe my boner grew this hard, too. Yeah. This is amazing. He was sexy. Now, he didn't mention his rock chiseled buttocks right it was in the next sentence that i cut off i said let's we don't need this kind of take it easy well this is just getting you know it's just getting uh graphic now turning real

piazza right to it is yeah it's a little it's a little piazza otis nixon it's a little nixon piazza right now man he was just sexy it's the only two times we've heard another player just go, man, this guy took his shirt off. And whoo-wee, I was a little hard. I'm not going to lie to you. It's Otis Nixon on Piazza. A little bit of throb. And Wells here. So this year for the Huntsville Stars of AA, he plays in 58 games, hits 318 with 25 home runs in 58 games, which is fucking ridiculous.

Almost a home run per every other game. That's not normal. That's not normal. An 80 RBI, which is also a lot for 58 games. That's plenty. Also, that year they call him up to the Tacoma Tigers in AAA, where he plays 60 games and hits 348 with 11 home runs and 47 RBI. So let's make the competition harder, and he steps up to the plate.

So they call him up in.85 to Oakland for the end of the season. He plays in 29 games, 96 at-bats. He has a.302 average with five home runs, 13 RBIs, 29 hits, 31 strikeouts. This is why I liked him. I mean, the strikeouts. He struck out a lot, but home run hitters a lot of times strike out a lot. That's the thing. Reggie Jackson had the record for strikeouts when he retired, but he also had 565 home runs.

Pretty impressive. That's what it is. It is what it is. You take what you get. It's exactly right. Most of these guys that are great home run hitters, they strike out a lot and they walk a lot. That's the thing. Jose doesn't walk so much, but he strikes out a shitload.

He swings. He's looking to swing. He's hacking at the ball uh but he he's a he right away i mean they people notice him as a star yeah first of all the second he comes out of the dugout they're like who the fuck is that yeah he looks like a monster and we haven't i don't know everybody i just assume everyone knows who jose canseco is because he's just always out there right but if you don't know him look him up like especially back then he was a handsome guy he was a big strapping handsome dark you know tall dark handsome long hair too son of a bitch like not long but he had hair he was just a slick yeah great hair great hair just a slick good looking dude who was a great player and athletic and i mean rich famous

i mean he was people idolized this guy you have to understand the part yeah the few guys that we've done are as were as successful as he is at what he did that's why i compared him to riddick bow a lot because he's kind of a that type of thing for baseball he didn't have a flash in the pan or he didn't play you know he was in the minors up and down and he played for five years this. He's a fucking star, a major star. 86 season, he comes out of the gate just monster season. He comes out and announces his presence. And he's still technically a rookie in 86 because you have to have a certain number of at-bats to not be a rookie anymore.

So he played in 85, didn't have enough at-bats, so it goes back to, you know, then he has to have a certain number of at bats to clear your status when that happens do you just add the next year into those or do you start over it starts over i'm pretty sure it starts over so you can be a rookie for like six years yeah you can be a rookie forever if you never get the right amount of a bat that's amazing is a strange thing but i believe that's how it is uh but at this point too his press he's starting to get a little testy with the press. Yeah. He's kind of shy and nervous. Yeah. If you hear him talk, like, he looks like this big, like I said, strapping handsome guy. And then he talks and he's like, well, you know, I'm just kind of like.

Yeah. He's not a real confident speaker. Yeah. His voice is kind of like this. It's kind of weak. Sure. And, like, it's not real, like, strong. Like, he's kind of like he seems unsure of himself all the time.

And he seems like he's, he always seems like he's trying not to misstep right he always seems like there's an older brother there ready to fucking make fun of him and give him a noogie like that's that's what it seems like he doesn't want to mess up yeah to me like that's what i get here uh he said that he didn't like the press because they built him up to be some kind of monster robot and he didn't like it basically yeah uh but it was better than being built up as a shitty player. I mean, it's better they're saying good things. Look at the guy. He's a jacked monster robot.

What do you want? He looks like nobody else. This isn't 1998 when everyone looked like this. This is 1986. It's him and a bunch of dudes with pot bellies and skinny arms that are like, what the, they don't even work out back then. It's him and, what is it guys barely were steve balboni was a professional baseball player like

was it 26 or 2018 it was 28 look up steve balboni right now it's him and 28 teams full of george brett that's what there is george betts to look at an athlete steve balboni looked like a taller time to make the donuts guy like that's what he looked like. And Joyner. What was Joyner's first name? Wally Joyner. Wally Joyner. He's an ugly son of a bitch. He was bald when he was 23, which is a problem also. He's an ugly son of a bitch.

Joyner actually took some of the pressure off him because Joyner playing in California and he was a rookie too and he was getting good and so he took some of the heat off of Canseco a little bit because some of the people kind of moved to paying more attention to Joyner. Royals or Blue Jays? Who? Angels. angels california did he play for the royals ever maybe later he played forever but okay he started out with the angels maybe he ended up in in fucking toronto i can't remember my name john olerud maybe you're thinking of maybe that's basement dorky a bunch of dudes they all george brett wally joiner olerud they all look the

fucking same to me kind of yeah they all look dorky there was light there was like fat guys that played back then though literally look like just they worked at a foundry during the day and they're like i gotta get to the puck yeah and the game's at seven i gotta be there at five i gotta bust out early in a fucking hand yeah jim abbott he was a great pitcher jim he was no hitter for the yankees but it's a dude that's not sexy uh probably not depends on what you're into yeah chicks like weird shit you never know sometimes they're into afflictions it's the same sitting in line for the fucking club minus that glove and

he's got a club on his fucking hand but that also makes him identifiable you're jim abbott he just comes up waving that stump and that's like a just a pass in wherever he wants to go and if you play for the yankees and you throw a no-hitter, you're like, Stubby, get in here. All right, look at this fuck. Come on, Stubby, come on in here. Everybody, make a table for Stubby. What the fuck's your name again? Who cares?

Hey, Stubby's here. Come on. Get him some girls. Everybody, come over. Get your boobs out. Jim the Club Abbott is here. Let's go, Abbott, you son of a bitch. Get over here, you beautiful bastard.

He's going to need your boobs and look for lumps. Tell you what, why don't you have him rub that stump on your boobs, it's going to feel good. I'll tell you something right now. All the ladies love it. I don't know. Jesus Christ. So this year, 86, he plays in 157 games, has 600 at-bats. So this is a real major league season.

240 average, which is a little low, but for a power hitter, he hits 33 home runs. We'll forgive it. He rakes. 117 RBI. Sweet Pete. 15 steals, 144 hits, 175 strikeouts. This is a shitload. 65 walks.

He also leads all AL outfielders with 14 errors. Holy shit. And when I say lead, I don't mean had the least. I mean had the most. He was the worst. But, I mean mean as a rookie you kind of expect that guys are a little erratic and listen that ball's coming at you fast way yeah well it's a lot of throws too guys miss cut off guys make errors that way because if you you miss

a cutoff guy and a guy gets an extra base that's an error so you know what i mean it's you can make a mental error and have it be an error you don't have to just have a ball to score on your error you don't have to have a ball bounce off your head and go over the wall which we'll talk about later uh he's also uh an all-star such a blockhead he did it was so big when you hear what he says about uh he's also an all-star and the rookie of the year so he got rookie of the year rookie of the year 33 homers 117 rbi uh he he he makes $75,000 this year. That's his salary. That's the mid-80s.

What a rip. Right before it blew up. Right before. And he made, including a $5,000 bonus for winning Rookie of the Year. That's like a fucking slap in the face. Isn't that funny that they'd even, nowadays they wouldn't have a $5,000. There's nothing that's a bonus of $5,000. Not in baseball.

That's like if you work for the electric company, they'd give you a bonus for $5,000. If you discovered some fucking line they screwed up that was about to burn down an orphanage, they'd be like, it's a $5,000 bonus for Wisman. Not on a baseball team. Five grand. That's ridiculous. And seven extra PTO days. that's ridiculous and seven extra pto days they gave him that too he also got three extra days of pto five grand what do you what do you think what is i'd like to look that up what is hilarious

a rookie of the year bonus now is there even a bonus it depends on what you're what you negotiate that's he was he had that negotiated his contract in his contract his contract said if he makes rookie of the year he gets five grand and that might have been i think that they were just like there's no way he's gonna do it just make it whatever that might that might be a standard a's contract they might put that in there it's like hey you win rookie of the year you get an extra five grand oh boy because if the guy wins rookie of the year it's fucking worth five grand to you he's you you you're paying him much less than he's worth if he won rookie of the year so uh 87 season he comes on strong again 159 games 630 at bats to he hits 257 with 31 homers 113 rbi 15 steals he had 157 strikeouts

that time makes 180 grand this year there you go so stepping it up a little bit made 105 more that's not bad that's incredible just for year two year two 88 season he comes out before the season and says because eric davis in 87 right almost had 40 40 40 home runs from the reds 40 stolen bases exactly yeah i think he ended up having 37 home runs and like 50 steals or something so canseco sees that and before the 88 season says this year i'm going 40 40 i'm gonna hit 40 home runs i'm gonna have 40 stolen bases everybody said he's out of his fucking mind that's more impressive than babe ruth calling his home run especially because he stole 15 bases last year he's not a base stealing threat usually i mean he's he's fast

and he can steal four he's a he's built like a built like a house. He's like 235, 240. You ever seen a house run? Yeah, so that's what I mean. He's a brick shithouse, too. So he starts out this season, absolutely rips it up. This is his year. This is everything here. He's 158 games he plays and 610 at-bats.

He hits.357 with 42 home runs, leading the league. 124 RBI, also leading the league uh 40 stolen bases yeah so that's 40 40 he did it actually 187 hits 128 strikeouts even cut those down a little bit in uh 78 walks that year he was the uh september 1988 al player of the month wow uh he rips it up and these are these these a's teams that were this is mark mcguire this is they end up getting dave stewart and bob welch and dennis eckersley rose yeah that's yeah i mean eckersley and i mean this is the this is the a's of the 80s that you think of the bash brothers yeah this is in 87 is when that bullshit started guys bashing their forearms into each

other that was mcguire and conseco if you still see guys do that sometimes that's where they got that from they did that first it was these two with their giant beefy forearms like i'd see that and go that would hurt yeah if you did that to me i'd be like ah what the fuck dude you're trying to break my goddamn arm break my radius what the hell is wrong with you please i met mark mcguire yeah in 1998 really the peak of his home run chase. Really? Yeah, I worked at a bar in Phoenix downtown right by the ballpark. And the Cardinals were in town. Yeah. And we had to, he requested a private room. Sure.

So we had to set up a private room. And he came in with a bunch of his friends and a bunch of guys from the team. He was, I swear to God, his forearm was like your thigh. I'm not even kidding, man. Like he said thanks to me and like a little bump on the chest, his forearm was like your thigh. I'm not even kidding, man. Like, he said thanks to me and, like, did a little, like, bump on the chest with his forearm. And it was uncomfortable. James needed sternum surgery. It was literally like a fellow hit me with a log.

Like, someone took a log and just went, thanks, pop, pop, and nailed me. It was so weird. So he wins the All-Star. He goes to the All-Star game this year, wins the Silver Slugger, which is best hitter at your position. And also the AL MVP. Wow. Most valuable player. So if you win an MVP, that's enormous.

That's impressive. It's the first 40-40 season in history. And the AL, he's in Chicago White Sox, so he's got Frank Thomas he's up against. Yeah, well, they're in the AL, the White Sox. He's on the A's. Right, right. That's what I'm saying. As the MVP of the AL. Oh, yeah, you had Don Mattingly. You had Wade up against. Yeah, well, they're in the AL, the White Sox. He's on the A's. Right, right. That's what I'm saying. The 80s.

As the MVP of the AL. Oh, yeah, you had Don Mattingly. You had Wade Boggs. Yeah. There's a lot of guys back then. Holy shit. I didn't think about Boggs. Oh, yeah.

Winfield, all these guys. There was a lot of guys. Who's on the Rangers that would have been? Back then, nobody. Nobody. Nobody. It was not a good time for the Rangers, let's just say. Later on, but not yet.

Not yet at all. They had Nolan Ryan, though, didn't they? I think they just got him in the 88. I'll bet he's up for MVP at that point. I don't know if he was. He's probably definitely the Rangers' most valuable player. He was still 41 in 88 or 40 or some crazy shit. If you didn't have him or Julio Franco.

Yeah, they had Julio Franco and Ruben Sierra, 87, was his rookie year. Ruben Sierra was great. He was a great player. I loved Ruben. Man, the blackest guy on the field. You know, Reggie Sanders reminds me a lot of Ruben Sierra. They had the same kind of style, except Ruben Sierra had that great stance. That crazy fucking...

That one pulling the bat over his head. Yeah, that crazy awesome kind of half Julio Franco. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Julio Franco had it just over his head. Yeah, he almost brought it from his left knee. Sierra had like his whole arms up with the whole thing.

It was cool. I love the way he hit that. Both of them. If you don't know when Crystal Pepsi was discontinued, what was in Al Capone's vault, or which famous meteorologist

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It's streaming. You can say anything. Judy Justice. Only on Freebie. And now, back to the show. 40-40 seasons later on. 1996, Barry Bonds did it. Pre-steroids, too. This is before Bonds, before anyone.

Another one in the AL. No, that's NL. He did it for the Giants in 96. He would have been in the Pirates then. He would have been on the Pirates and also NL, though. Still not AL. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Still over there. Alex Rodriguez did it in 98 when he played for the Mariners, hit 42 in 46. And then Alfonso Soriano with the Nationals did it in 2006. Really? He almost did it with the Yankees, too, I believe in 2002 or 2003. He had like 39 homers and 43 steals or some crazy shit. Is his career up for debate at all? Soriano?

Yeah, do I know anything about him? As far as roids go? As far as just controversy at all? No. No, nothing? Nothing. He was just a skinny yeah a skinny island kid they got a shortstop right he started out as a shortstop and he played for the yankees so he had

to move to second base and then right field that's a problem that fucked them all up too he came up with it in the early 2000s yeah it was like nope sorry there's jeter there we got number two yeah we're fine and that's's how we got Alex Rodriguez was trading Soriano. Is that right? Yeah, they traded Soriano for Rodriguez. Wow. That's how that worked. Did I not know that?

I guess I didn't. I don't think you did. I'm just going to say you didn't know Ozzy existed. So I'm going to say you didn't know about that either. But they go to the playoffs, Oakland. This is when they were really strong. They beat Boston. Sorry, Boston, with more teary Red Sox fans here.

They sweep them in the ALCS. I don't like that they win now. No, I don't like that at all. I like them, and I like the Cubs when they lose. I like them when they lose. They are fun to love when they lose. I have a softer spot for the cubs but they're they're still the red socks can eat dicks that's because you had a friend that played for him the

red socks too oh that's true how many red socks i have like more red socks hats than red socks fans that are like yeah from from rods and they're much better red socks hats yeah they are they're actual player hats they've been on the field they've been on the field they've been under those lights i have a with somebody sweating underneath them i have worried about the next hit i have a carlton fisk day red socks have a 27 logo on the side that they only gave to the players on carlton fisk that is cool i have one of those that's pretty amazing shit red socks fans i fucking hate the red socks and i have that i would say there's nine of them but there's a lot more dudes in the dugout that we're wearing yeah yeah they had either well they had boxes of them in the back

that's how i have one mine's not even a warner it's just an extra like some dick that that that scraped the the dirt uh got one too yeah him too that's true no he did everybody got one so oakland beats boston here jose in the series hits 313 with three home runs. They are going to the World Series. Wow. Yes. I do remember this. I'm going to say it now.

This is Grace. Is this? He has good stuff happen plenty, but this is his, this is right now. Professionally, this is pretty big. He's the king of the fucking world. 40-40 club. Drove his team to the World Series. Everybody's looking at this guy like a god right now. They go to the World Series against the Dodgers.

This is a very famous World Series. This is the Kirk Gibson home run with the Vin Scully call and that whole deal. The Dodgers, a huge upset over Oakland here. Jose hits 0-53 in the series, too. Oh, my God. Not great. He didn't even show up. Yeah, one home run, rbi but 053 that's

terrible uh made 335 grand that year that'll have more in endorsements though yeah and since things are going so well what do you do might as well let's double down let's get married uh he marries a woman named esther haddad yeah i believe she's a model um everyone he meets is like of course she is everyone well they're a lot of them are like waitresses turn models. Once they're married to him, now they're a model. They get boobs and now they're models. That's how it works. We'll talk about it in the 80s.

In the early 90s. We'll see. L.A. We'll get to it. L.A. everywhere. Jesus. Conseco here in January of 1989. He's traveling with his secretary, David Valdez.

And Valdez is arrested at Detroit's Metro Airport with him, with Jose, for trying to board a flight with a 9mm semi-automatic pistol in his briefcase. It's not his. We know whose gun that is, as we'll find out soon. So yeah, he said, carry this shit on the plane for me all right and then he got him a lawyer yeah and then he got he's like i'll take care of you don't worry about it help you out yeah i got this but i'll see you in chicago or wherever the fuck this is i'm sorry why would he bring that can i call it why would he i'll get you out i'll call him i don't i guess

i'll call a guy i don't know why would he do that i have no idea they do this all the time i don't understand it here uh so february well that's he gets stupider this is what i mean this is when it's like he got that 40 40 and then he was like fuck it no i don't have to live by the rules anymore you're flying a team plane what do you need a fucking gun for i have no idea why you would need a team a gun and i think this was a commercial flight i believe because on the team planes those are most of the time i believe uh especially back then i think those guys would just pull up on the runway throw their bags like i don't even think they'd go through security it's a good point so this was that actually like he's he's you know with the riffraff going through detroit showing his boarding pass at the gate yeah excuse me sir

jumping on a plane like i am yeah exactly like us standing at security going what the fuck we're standing in line and people are turning around that's my that's maybe my favorite experience at an airport minus your your meltdown is the leaving that same airport uh bitching about how fucking useless that is well we were like this is pointless it is and you know what i i i'll write i'll roll the dice once in a while because this is ridiculous i don't want to stand here for two hours i don't give a fuck i swear to god you know what's dangerous driving yeah cooking walking we're standing who gives a fuck the air is dangerous everything's fucking dangerous i

don't have any control over who's on the road someone could be pissed off and plow into me and kill me at any point and they want there's nobody checking anybody before they get in their in their goddamn car i don't even understand how this plane's getting off the ground in the first place who gives a fuck what they're putting on it no i'm saying they're just it's stupid little things there's an old lady just fucking wave her through she's got water oh no i don't give a fuck i don't care and that's a not a hot take or anything, but Jesus fucking Christ. It's just enough. Standing here like assholes. And it doesn't fucking work.

No. Your metal detector, when you're about to detect it right. They get everything through. When it goes off and I walk through and they go, put your hands up. I put them up and they go, okay, now we need to do further screening. And then that screening shows nothing and you just go, okay, you're free to go. That's what I mean. Then why did I walk through that?

Well, that's the point. Why did I stand in that fucking line? Whenever they do the tests, whenever the government tests their shit, everything gets through. It's like 96% of contraband got through TSA no problem. I have to walk around trying to hold my fucking pants up like some kind of goddamn prisoner

shuffling around with no fucking shoes on. And now I have to relace my fucking shoes. I feel like I just got violated. I'm trolling them up with my shoes on and now i have to relace my fucking shoes i feel like i just got violated i'm throwing them up with my shoes i'm just saying at least arrest me after that thank you just take me in show me give me some dignity make me call a lawyer make me fucking make a phone call make me want it for all that shit so february 10th 1989 uhco, it's 125 in the morning on I-95 in South Florida. He is in his metallic red Jaguar XJS. Yes.

It's a very fast car. Yeah. And he is going 125 miles an hour. Oh, boy. And where is this? This is on the I-95 in Florida in the middle of the night. Oh, my God. Yeah.

He ends up getting pulled over, taking police on a 15-mile chase. Oh, boy. It probably took him that long just to fucking slow down. Yeah. The next day, he signed a blank ticket for a cop at an autograph show, just like, ha, ha, ha. And he told the sporting news, they asked him about it, and he said that he added 140 after his signature, because he said, that's how fast I was really going oh my god ha ha ha and he told that that he said told the cop that and he said the cop laughed everybody just thought he's a what a card this guy's great uh but he is arrested for reckless driving found guilty in five fine five hundred

dollars you can't go 140 miles an hour and take cops on a 15 mile chase i don't give a shit how many home runs you have and how many bases you fucking steal that doesn't work uh that's in february 89 march 89 he gets three traffic tickets during spring training wow over the month of march while he's in phoenix three different that's right they do play here yeah yeah they do so uh yeah three different ones he's a mess uh there so driving not not not he'll get worse at driving by the way as we see later it was all over scottsdale i'm sure oh you know it's in between strip clubs that's all it was strip club to strip club they're they're you know it spring training places right there by the by the zoo yeah it was by the zoo if you go just a little north you're in scottsdale you jump on that fucking washington over to van

buren over to no one knows what you're talking about yeah yeah no one has any idea what you're talking about april you're like right turn to my grandfather now if you just get on there you take the first exit nobody cares grandpa they don't know what you're talking about i just know the path they took doing 90 miles an hour through fucking industrial complexes and then right into fucking so much traffic so So much. And he got arrested. On April 21st 1989, he is at the hospital in California

and he is getting an x-ray on his wrist there. He accidentally started x-raying his dick. Yes. They're like, this is the same size. We have not talked about the size of his cock yet well i'm sure it's in here it's a monster by the way so uh he's uh he's arrested when he returns from the car yeah to the car from the hospital he comes out apparently somebody was

walking by and saw a gun on his floor and so the cops were called the campus police came over uh it's uh uh you can't have a loaded firearm on state university property. It's a felony. He's released after his wife posts a $5,000 bond on this. Just left it laying, just laying there on the driver's side floor. They're not doing anything for that stereotype that Puerto Ricans are always armed. Yeah. Well, knives though.

And he's a Cuban. So it's way different. They're always armed. They said, the police said, quote, we asked him to get out of the car they pulled him over uh and he complied there was no problem whatsoever we examined the gun and determined it was loaded and uh they couldn't find a permit on on file either so he's got an unregistered he doesn't have no he absolutely doesn't uh jay alves who's a we couldn't find it it was just it was just nothing that's because it doesn't exist j j alves a spokesman for the a's uh said the team had no official comment they said we're

police too on the on that investigation into where's the easter bunny yeah i don't know it's ridiculous uh j alves the spokesman for the a's said the they had no official comment on it at all they said they were all official comment on it at all. They said they were all just going to stay silver on the whole thing and not worry about it for now. We're going to stay silver. We're going to remain silver over here. We're going to remain silver and have no comment. Did you see how many home runs he hit last year?

Let's not talk about this. That's great. He ends up pleading no contest to this whole thing thing this whole thing loses him an endorsement from the california egg commission which canceled his tv commercial in which the slugger says quote eggs are a terrific source of protein and protein means power you now you know what tried to convince america that eggs did that you know what i do with my power, is what he says. He tried to convince them. Yes, eggs. Hey, kids, eat your eggs, and you'll be as big as Jose Canseco.

They say all the dairy and everything has all roided up anyway, so he was- That's a good point. There must have been a lot in there. There's a shitload of hormones in these eggs. The eggs he was eating were huge. He had one under his arm like a football. He was just like, eggs. These are what I eat. Kids are like, I don't know if I can find those.

That Easter Bunny can't hide these bitches. No. The next day here, they're talking about the whole thing here. He says that he was carrying a loaded pistol because of a threat to him and his wife. That's what he's now saying. He comes out with that the next day. The general manager, Sandy Alderson, the silver-haired middle-aged white man of the group, the head silver-haired middle-aged white man,

said that the club was embarrassed by Canseco's arrest, and they hope that they're not going to take any action against him until it's resolved in the courts. They're going to let that play out. They said he met with Canseisco with conseco in san francisco after the arrest and uh that conseco also told alderson he had the gun because of a threat to him and his wife he was uh concerned for the safety of his family and he needed to uh to have the uh to have the gun with him at all times and he is not sorry about it at all did they say what kind of gun it is it's a nine millimeter he had a nine That's his favorite.

No, no, no. He's got plenty. We'll talk about it. We'll see. He's got run-ins with guns, cars. This is number two that's a 9. You know it. He says, quote, Alderson said, quote, it was the first I was aware of it and will certainly

follow up on it and then ignore it once it all comes to light. You see how many home runs he hit last year? He said, Alderson, how silver is this statement? he hit last year uh he said alderson how silver is this statement alderson said that conseco's troubles were from were from him being a quote a fairly naive young man who doesn't quite quite grasp the magnitude of interest in him or the consequences of not abiding by the same rules as you and i i don't think there's a mean-spiritedness i think there's a shyness and a naivete that's fucking silver he doesn't get it but we'll we'll explain it to him we will we'll take care of it don't worry about that here uh we'll take this in house uh this fucking uh tony

larusa who's famous i love him silver-haired middle-aged white man for god does he have egg on his face at the end of this episode of course he does he says some real dumb shit or later on that uh comes back to haunt him we'll say worse than worse than worse than the the whole i just he's hilarious to me because he's just the the i'm gonna lose weight and i'm still a fat fuck that's tommy lasorda you racist fuck mixing up your fat, mixing up your Guinea managers. Listen to my fat Italians. La Russa's not even fat. He's Italian. He's not fat.

You're right. He's the one from the fucking, from the. Yeah, he's the Cardinals, not the Dodgers. From the Cardinals, right. La Russa. God, I'm an asshole. La Russa says. But he's still silver. Wait till you see how silver he is later.

He says that, quote, Jose is a hell of a man and he's a smart man. What you're going to see is what Jose will learn from every incident. Mark McGuire said, quote, We're just hoping everything turns out the best for Jose. Let's see if he keeps those feelings toward Jose for the rest of the story. Those two. All right, go on.

They have problems. June 9th, 89 uh it comes out that he's going to plead no contest to the gun charges uh he says also that he's he's going to get rid of that jaguar yeah that's just that's a problem it attracts so much attention right not the fact that he was driving 125 miles an hour and the fact that it was the flashy jaguar he says and he said that the only reason people looked in the car was because it was such a nice car. Right. So they found the gun that way.

His lawyer says. Or that it's out in the fucking open. Yeah, that's a problem. His lawyer says, quote, he's not going to fight the courts. He's got the pennant to fight for. And that's all. And as for the car, I can honestly say that in six months it won't be around. So he's like, fuck it.

Not at all. So it's not a problem. He's good now. everything's fine he's concerned about baseball right nothing else uh 89 season he plays in 65 games he had that wrist injury uh he hit 269 with 17 homers and 57 rbi and only six steals this year a little bit of a decline he had an injury but still a little bit of a decline he's still an all-star what a little bit of a decline. He's still an all-star. What was the injury? Wrist injury. That's what he was getting x-rayed for there. He was on the DL. He's still an all-star that year because it's voting-wise.

So there's guys that don't play all year and still get voted to the all-star team. Just because they got fans. Exactly. Oakland beats Toronto in five games in the ALCS. Conseco hits.294 with a home run. That's great. They're going to the World Series. And this is the famous Oakland-San Francisco francisco earthquake world series that you guys might know about

fucking candlestick from candlestick here uh this is a crazy thing the when the earth there's the great 30 for 30 on this really on the earthquake game watch that it's amazing it's so good i cannot remember the name of it now uh but it's absolutely phenomenal because they take it like kind of second by second like you're almost it's absolutely phenomenal because they take it like kind of second by second. You're almost almost recreated with news footage and interviews. You're seeing news footage and there's people talking about what it was like. That's fascinating. They show like how the freeways collapsed on each other or bridges collapsed.

And then they just show that then they go back to the ballpark and they're trying to clear out a fucking ballpark because they're literally like this. It could fucking fall down. Right. We got to get people out of here. This shit is old. It's old. And like the players are like we're gone i mean they got out of there there's great footage of conseco they got the players out of there so quickly they didn't have a chance to change there's footage later on in the night an hour after this earthquake of conseco a half hour away with his girlfriend there in the car getting gas

in his car in his a's uniform with his cleats on his hat car, getting gas in his car in his A's uniform, with his cleats on, his hat and everything, getting gas in his car, just standing there. A giant group of people standing around him, watching him get gas in his car. Still had the Jaguar then, by the way. Of course. Six months of fast. Yeah, you can see the picture in the footage. So I think he still had it at that point.

But yeah, so this game, Oakland beat San Francisco. They sweep them, which is interesting. Jose hits 357 in the world series this year so he makes up for the last one here uh one home run he also hits he makes 1.6 million this year wow which now we're talking yeah uh he denies steroids also this is the first time steroids are going to start coming up uh he denies steroids uh everyone is looking at him going, yes, you're... The late 80s is when people started realizing steroids were a thing. In like 1983, you could come out

looking like Arnold Schwarzenegger and people just go, that's amazing. I don't know how he did that. He's clearly eating a lot of eggs. It has to be eggs. They're thinking you're doing like Rocky. You're drinking raw eggs and you're... Like there's no...

People didn't even think steroids. And then like by the late 80s, everything was obviously steroids. Obviously wrestling did that also with the whole Hulk Hogan thing. That's when that whole scandal came in like 90, 91. When you can count the fucking veins and you are that vast. Yeah, that's the thing. It's pretty obvious what you're doing. It is.

It really is. So in an interview with USA Today, though, we have an in their own words. Really? In their own words. He spoke to the press. Oh, absolutely. Not just the press. USA Today. Everyone asked him about it. He had to. It was the elephant in the room.

He says in their own words, quote, I really don't know much about steroids. Why did the issue come up after I accomplished 40-40? It was to discredit the season that I had. Does steroids give you coordination? Nowadays, players are going to the weight room. Look at superstars like Bo Jackson. He's the best athlete I've ever seen. Why should I

say he takes steroids? That's way out of line. Why should I try to take away from his ability? That's what people are trying to do to me. Take away from all the hard work that I put in. There are no shortcuts. Except for the massive amount of steroids that you pump into your body right that's the only shortcut also bo jackson is a superstar in everything he does bo jackson's a genetic freak of nature right just pure and probably did some steroids probably do but he's literally a genetic like he was the kid if you

watch the bo jackson any of the bo jackson documentaries he could leap over cars when he was 12 every shit like he's just the most ridiculous athlete ever that's not even yeah you can't compare yourself to Bo Jackson no one should have any time here so Jose is high on himself at this point and he thinks no one can touch me there's no steroid testing in baseball so they can say you're on steroids all you want you just have to go no I'm not and you could just come out with looking like you have someone sitting on your back right and it doesn't matter because you know no one could prove it i'm gonna go hit every ball out of the park again i'm gonna go hit 480

foot home runs because that's normal like people do that shit all the time it's the hardest thing in the world to do is hit a home run oh it is you have to hit a round ball with a round back hitting a baseball right a pitched baseball is the hardest thing in any sport. I don't care what anybody says. It's ridiculous how hard it is. Physically in football, you have to know the plays as a quarterback. Yeah, we get it. I'm saying physically to take a bat and hit a 90 mile an hour

moving ball while everyone's allowed to scream at you and flash pictures is fucking insane. It's ridiculous. It's insane. And to be able to... And you're alone. It's the pitcher and catcher plotting against you. Right're saying we're gonna go over here with it you don't know what they're saying guys secretly giving each other signs for shit they're trying to get it past you you're trying to put that shit over a fence ridiculous that's three feet away so 400 shit that was like a little i mean a 390 yeah so after the season in recognition of his of his amazing

accomplishments uh the street in front of his former high school is named after him. They named Jose Canseco Avenue or whatever. Don't worry. More on that later. More on that later. It's called Park Street now. Yeah. More for 1989.

Yeah. Here we go. Canseco is trying to cash in on his fame here uh he starts up a uh 900 number yeah one nine hundred two three four jose oh my god to hear conseco discuss everything from the previous day's game to steroids and guns and just all of his views on the world for the low rate of two dollars for the first minute one $1 for each additional minute. As Jose wrote, this is amazing. Jose, at the end of the message, said, quote, don't forget to call back every day.

Holy shit. Are you out of your fucking mind? $2 and $1 for additional. So if you talk to him for three minutes, that's $4. $4. To hear a recorded message of this dildo's fucking thoughts. This right freak dumb shit's thoughts. And you may not hear everything. You may not hear anything.

You might just hear his words on guns for today. You don't know what he's going to say. How long is that message? He might just talk about some girl that was pretty in the third row that he noticed while he was in the on-deck circle. Who the fuck knows? I'm going to do that. I'm going to start that number.

You should. 1-900-NUMBER- 234-JOSE. Make sure it's the same number i want the same number uh 1990 uh that's great holy shit that's awesome this is around the same time too that other book came out i told you about like the children's library book and also he releases his first book in 1990 uh strength training for baseball which is fucking hilarious nowhere in there, Strength Training for Baseball, which is fucking hilarious. Nowhere in there does it include inject shitloads of steroids. In the words of Craig Titus, stand in front of the mirror and inject until you like what you see.

Never says that in the book, which is a strange thing. Yeah, he should be saying that. 1990 season, he's the May 1990 al player of the month okay uh there july 18th 1990 his brother ozzy finally makes his major league debut wow so he's been an mvp won a world series done everything six years to do and ozzy finally makes his debut for the a's uh in ozzy's entire career he'll play a grand total of 124 games out over parts of three seasons with Oakland and Seattle same thing outfield and he just was generally a brutal he sucked uh so Jose in the 90 season he 131 games he plays in uh yeah 274 he hits 37 home runs 101 RBIs 19 steals

so not bad he has a good season Jose he produces yeah when you look at the first five years of his career yeah they stand up against most of the five-year periods you can imagine in history as far as uh production goes it's why he was such a star it's impressive i mean it really is you can't take that away no matter what roids or not i don't give a shit whatever you can't take away from it's hard to do that it just is uh So this year also he goes to the All-Star Game again. He wins the Silver Slugger Award again. Oakland beats Boston in the ALCS again, sweeps them again. So just breaking Boston's hearts two out of three years.

Jose hits 182 in that series, though, so no thanks to him. Then they play Cincinnati in the World Series. Do you remember this World Series? The Reds? I know the outcome. The Reds with Jose Rijo and Chris Sabo. Sabo, yeah, yeah, yeah. The A's were supposed to crush.

The word crush wasn't even enough. They were supposed to obliterate. It shouldn't even be close. They were supposed to play two games, and then the Reds were supposed to disappear and not show up anymore. And you'd call the stadium, and they'd be like, nobody answered. We're not playing. Fuck that. They expected them to quit halfway through the series didn't happen

at all turns out cincinnati sweeps the uh oakland in four games jose rio is and it's incredible i think he pitched two out of the four games and just shut them the fuck they were was a monster yeah who else who else did they have that was that was crazy that that was that was the weirdest craziest upset that that. Was Eric... I think it was Eric Davis was still on the team. Yeah, he was still on the team. This was pre-cancer Eric Davis. There weren't a lot of great players on that team.

They didn't have a lot of stars. Right. There was a lot of fucking blitz. It was a huge surprise that they were even there. Why? They were supposed to be crushed. Right. And it's just...

The first time Cincinnati has any sort of happiness, and it's the reds it's it's a team that they never would have expected it's funny they had a hot starting pitcher and reho and they wrote him for two out of four games and it worked and won and uh jose hits 083 in that series oh he disappears everybody does anytime he disappears though it's fucking over and everybody disappeared in that series it was sad and that that was they had they were loaded yeah carnie lansford yeah bass and all that's the guy steinbeck i was thinking of the little guy and the little yeah they had both they had the henderson's at that point ricky and yes no ricky was still on the yankees he would come back later really yeah yeah ricky henderson didn't get a ring there no i mean uh dave henderson did yes they had dave that's the one i'm thinking of so uh he makes he

makes two million dollars that year solid uh february of 91 he is ticketed for reckless driving again in miami going 104 miles an hour christ stop driving so fast stop fucking around during spring training just fucking moron this is february this wasn't even spring training this is him just dicking around february is his reckless driving month that's when he did the other one too he's like let's go fuck around in Florida. The season's starting soon. I feel like getting out there and really just doing his thing here. That's going home.

That's what that is. It is. He's dicking around. Yeah, he can never go home, as we know. Right around this time, Jose and his wife Esther file for divorce, but then they pull back the papers and decide to stay together. Oh, it's going to cost how much? Yeah, I'll keep her.

I don't know what it is about jose but if you look at these relationships every one of them that he has crazy shit happens they break up because obviously they can't be together and then they get back together it's fucking it happens all the time he appears to be in a studio what no no no no no i'll i'll give her a call he appears in the we're gonna talk this over and work it out, I think. I'm on the road a lot anyway. So, I mean, what's the difference? I'll barely see you.

That's fine. Talk who you want. He appears in the MC Hammer Too Legit To Quit video also at this point. This is what I mean. This is like a Riddick Bowe type of story. He is pop culture famous. He is. You did not even have to be a baseball fan and you knew who exactly

people if you're young we have a lot of young listeners if you were alive in 1991 you did not have to be a baseball fan you flash his screen you go that's that guy that's the yeah that was a baseball from the a's that was yeah the home run guy he knew who he was everybody did uh 1991 he gets super weird yeah he brings a large land tortoise into the a's clubhouse one game starts doing shit like that oh jesus and he keeps up with these turtles forever he has these huge tortoises that cost 25 grand that he keeps all over his house fuck he's a that's not the weirdest pet he has are they galapagos like those ones i have no idea but they're still alive today i'm sure yeah they're gonna outlive forever they're gonna outlive him uh that's not the craziest thing he does uh so he hangs out with land tortoises and madonna in 1991 who has turned

into a land tortoise if we're being honest here she's kind of a land tortoise now she won't die she won't die and she looks like she's 112 so that's fine sorry i'm not trying to bash on her looks but my favorite thing is that she she still tries to create trends and they're just fucking stupid yeah it's like well now you're an old lady that's your trend you're in your 50s take the but my favorite thing is that she she still tries to create trends and they're just fucking stupid it's like well now you're an old lady that's your trend you're in your 50s take the fucking grill out of your face create trends toward you know uh not pissing your pants and and and poop supplements and shit like that like jamie lee curtis take the you know what i mean take the dignified route please advertise that you take baby aspirin yeah three times a week to not have a heart attack.

Tell us about bear, please. So that's so awesome. Uh, May 31st, 1991. Uh, uh,

he is photographed coming out of Madonna's apartment building in like four o'clock in the morning, uh, on a, on a Friday night. Yeah. Uh, so Saturday morning or Saturday, building in like four o'clock in the morning uh on a on a friday night yeah so saturday morning or saturday the new york post had a picture of him uh with the headline uh madonna's bat boy okay so uh he's they could have done better she well it's the post i mean come on and they had to come up with it quick yeah uh he says to them quote we're just friends she's a nice lady yeah

which is hilarious my dick uh he recently reconciled with his wife yeah and he declined to say who arranged the meeting with madonna he wouldn't say how he met madonna or how long he has known her he's just says just say we met before yeah that's what he says which basically means i've used to fuck her and i'm kind of fucking her stuff uh my dick smells like her cervix. He also, well, he also, he had compared himself to Madonna the year before saying that I'm like Madonna, I'm a free spirit and I'm not afraid to act unconventionally.

He then said that she's different and exciting. He says she does what she wants as long as it doesn't hurt anyone. She isn't strangled by what the norm in society is. Asked how his wife might react to it uh because he was you know the middle of the night right he declined to comment on that we'll find out what she said let's not talk about that let's let's not say the e word as in esther let's not do that uh he did say quote if it wasn't for me it would be boring around here

you guys got to give me credit is what he said to the Post. So he's starting to embrace the media craziness. Now he's like, come on, you guys got to love me. Whereas before, he was like, leave me alone. Tacos? I don't know anything about tacos. Enjoy this story. It's going to sell you papers. Yeah.

The next day, though, he has a little bit of an incident when he's at Yankee Stadium. He catches a fly ball hit by Hensley Mullinsins who's one of the worst yankee busted prospects ever i love when you get angry oh god i had his baseball card i was like this hensley mulins guy is gonna be good hensley mulins you can't depend on a guy with that name fuck you hensley mulins if you're listening you really you really pissed me off when i was 11 so uh really fucked him. So there's a guy out here in the bleachers who Canseco loses his shit on. Yeah. Canseco snaps and starts yelling at the guy. If anybody says anything about my wife, I'll bash your head in.

He starts yelling at fans, which you can't do. You got to ignore people in left field here. Why do you have anything to respond to? He blames it on one particular guy who says quote everybody in the section was screaming at conseco everybody uh it was hey where's madonna where's your wife that sort of shit he said quote i didn't say a peep to conseco i'll take a polygraph i'm not a drunken slob i'm just an average ordinary middle class guy trying to enjoy the ball game you're also a yankee fan which is great they talk they talk to kinshiko yeah yeah yankee fans are the best

they have they have smart insults right they are fine they're so clever with how much they people in the right field bleachers learned how to insult ichiro in japanese they learned 5 000 people learned like 10 japanese phrases And Ichiro actually was impressed by it. Like, they were doing, he would turn around and laugh, and after the game he goes, I got to, they learned Japanese to insult me. That's kind of incredible, honestly. Like, I take that as, like, that's kind of a compliment. Right.

I mean, like, I matter to them. Yankee fans are the best because they give a shit so much that they will fucking research what you hate. Yeah. And they will find out who who in the outfield is dating and ruin your life they will that's all they have to do like let's see what i'm gonna do the game tonight it's like they're preparing for their set that night all right let's see what's in the news today so right in an open mic set for the bleachers they talk to

him after the game can say go in the locker room and he says quote don't come out and point at players don't confront them don't talk about this fat don't talk about this family and his mother and then behind him there was uh seven Madonna tapes I swear to god I swear to god in his locker on his shelf he had seven Madonna tapes as he said stop saying I like Madonna which is amazing amazing here uh that would have been great to be alive back then. I would have sang Papa Don't Preach during the fucking take me out to the ball game. What's a mannequin, Seiko?

Papa not preaching? What's your fucking problem? Hey, asshole, what's your problem? Holy fuck, that's amazing. Hey, come here, you true blue motherfucker. Get over here. We could go on all night. She's got 700 slides.

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It'll be a 20-minute rabbit hole on how bad Madonna sucks and how sinewy she is. Her songs are terrible. They're so bad. We're going to piss off any gay guys we have out there. Madonna and Cher, you don't want to mess with. It's such bad music. It really is. It is terrible, I got to say.

Sorry, guys. So he plays in 154 games that year, hits.266 with 44 home runs, leading the league that year, 122 ribbies, 26 steals, so he has a damn good year. Also leads all AL outfielders with nine errors. That's the most errors, so that's not terrific. He starts to get sloppy in the field as he gets older. That's when baseball started getting really, really fun to watch because we're saying nine errors and that's leading it. That's having the most.

Yeah, there's a lot of great players. That's telling you how great and crisp the baseball was that year. That was pre-expansion. That was right before Colorado came in because they came in in 93, before the Diamondbacks, before the Marlins had just come in in, what, 89 or 90? They came in in 91 whatever you have to tell me one of those i don't know who tommy lasorda that's true never mind i didn't note uh jose's twin brother right so uh he wins a silver slugger that year and uh makes 3.5 million dollars for his efforts not too shabby here uh and has a problem coming up after the season, though. February the 13th, 1992 is a major, major issue, let's just say.

This confrontation starts with his wife, Esther. Oh, boy. At 4.30 in the morning. Oh, boy. They started arguing at a 24-hour gas station in Miami at 4.30 in the morning. Who is drunk? Both of them. They're driving separate cars here.

Canseco took his wife's purse and pager. Oh, no. He pulled a JR rider over here. Oh, boy. He pulls a JR rider, steals her purse and pager. He eventually gives back the purse, but refuses to give back the pager. Esther ends up taking her purse. Until he can go through it.

Oh, absolutely. Fucking stop that. Well, he's trying to control. There's so much pager bullshit later on with his wife, too. His other wife. So she takes the purse and speeds off in her BMW, okay? Canseco follows in his Porsche. I'm getting rid

of the Jaguar. I'm getting a Porsche. I can't have this flash car anymore. catches up to her in a block and rams the left front panel of her car. Oh, my God. Backs up and then rams her car again. Rams the right rear panel. Jose, stop.

Causing $10,000 in damage to the car. It's a $78,000 BMW that she's driving and he's driving like a $93,000 Porsche. In 1992. Yeah. So it's like a loaded six series. Yeah. It's a $120 120 000 car now so uh he does that this all happens uh anyway esther can say go she pulls off to the side of the road

uh can say go walks up to her window and then spits at her driver's window oh my god so when the so uh police said that esther repeatedly explained what happened to the officers uh and then uh but then finally when jose gets arrested because she had to say to tell it to like five different people then when he gets arrested she recants the story oh my she says never mind she said the collisions were an accident yeah he accidentally rammed into me twice on our way home from the gas station he's a terrible driver we were just out getting gas at 4 30 he can drive 140 and take police on a 15-mile chase, but home from the gas station, he runs into everything. He just doesn't know how to. That's why he drove 140.

He literally can't drive 55. He can't. He'll run into everything. He'll just run into things. It sucks. In 85, in my head, I was seeing him being the poster boy for that song. Yeah. And now you call it back at this second.

I wish I would have said it back then. I wish I would have. So these two are having problems here. She returned. She then ended up saying, okay, yeah, he did hit me and all that. The car ended up having to be towed away. But at this point, they don't even live in the same house anymore. These two.

They live in separate houses. Why are you at the gas station at the same time then well they have they were seeing each other having problems and uh he wants to fucking get his cervix wet well they also they also had filed for i got you his cervix wet yeah that's what he was looking for he also uh i don't think you're after the cervix is what you're really going after there. Man, look at the cervix on that one. What am I doing? You've forgotten how to ogle women, Jimmy. You really have. The cervix is what I chase.

You're supposed to be into the cervix, right? That's what I'm into, right? Her cervix is huge. Look at that. That's what you're looking for, right? A big cervix. It's like Stewie from Family Guy. That's what you want, right? A big vagina. It's a're looking for, right? A big cervix? It's like Stewie from Family Guy. That's what you want, right?

A big vagina? It's a big cervix, right? I think I was pretty good with that. It was a bit. So January of 91, they had filed for divorce, and then Canseco changes mind. Jose did here. So they're going to have some issues here. He's going to be charged with shit.

The cops said that Jose acted like a gentleman once they got there. They did see the spit on his wife's window. They noted that. He even gave them a fucking autograph while they were questioning the wife. What? This is back in the day when you could beat up your wife or attack your wife and give the cop an autograph while you were waiting, while they were taking her statement. Or figuring out if they're going to arrest you. Yeah. Now if you took out a pen, they were taking her statement and he would take it from you if they're gonna arrest you yeah now if you took

out a pen they would tase you right no matter who you are that's it you had a weapon in latin or black forget it don't you dare pull a pen taco and they'd have shot you with the fucking thing so he'll have a charge of aggravated battery on on this one here so that's that's not terrific here he's booked in the dade county jail and released on a five thousand dollar cash bond uh and this carries a maximum penalty of 15 years in prison jeez aggravated battery it's a good one this is that's stay the fuck out of florida that's a tough yeah uh less than what is it a week later uh he's on the simpsons so everything's fine i remember the bat this is a great episode of The Simpsons. Homer at the Bat with Canseco doing voiceover of his own character.

Description of the episode, if you're not a Simpsons file here. Homer and his co-workers join the Power Plant softball team and qualify for the final. Mr. Burns hears that his plant is playing the finals, and so he hires a team of ringers. is playing the finals and so he hires a team of ringers and that includes uh roger clemens yeah wade boggs kangrophy jr steve sacks ozzy can say ozzy smith jose can say go don mattingly daryl strawberry and mike socia unbelievable quite the crew wouldn't it be great to hang out with all those guys that's incredible oh my god that's amazing i just remember that's my fucking childhood in one show that's everybody right there amazing that was a great i remember mattingly's storyline i loved because he kept coming in and burns was being steinbrenner kept telling him to trim his sideburns and he came in at one point with just a mohawk

and he's like trim those sideburns he's like i don't even think you know what sideburns are he goes hey still better than steinbrenner and walks away so i like that that was a fun one there uh march 20th, 92. Less fun. Attorney, Assistant State Attorney General, Attorney Margaret Rosenbaum, who does not sound like a fun person here. No, she doesn't. She said, when you put Margaret Rosenbaum and put it after Assistant State Attorney. Yeah, that's a problem.

Not party time, I don't think, here. Said that the state decided to reduce the charge to aggravated assault, which is a third degree felony. Yeah. that the state decided to reduce the charge to aggravated assault, which is a third-degree felony, still punishable by up to five years in prison, but there was no physical contact with her during the fight. Could have killed her bashing a car into her car, but still, the assault charge would have carried the 15 years. 1992 season. Margaret Rosenbaum invites people over for parties, and they're like, no.

Nah, I don't think so. They're like, you know what? We got family coming in that night and bring them with you no they're they're real picky about their stale cheese they're allergic to everything it's very it's it's my my my cousin has an immunodeficiency you can't i can't bring him out he's in a bubble okay last time we came over your cat shit on the crackers no my cousin's a bubble boy and we can't come to your house i think that's what i'm trying everybody's deathly allergic to cats deathly and if your house is all cats it's all cats your couch isn't even a couch it's just cats sitting on each other it's terrible very itchy how did you teach them to do that it's

amazing i'm kind of impressed by that margaret let me ask you a question margaret rosenbaum cat training services got trouble with your cat don't have a lot of furniture i got you covered come on down you don't need furniture my my couch is all calicos where we say margaret rosenbaum's cat training where you don't need couches you just need cats all right so 1992 season with oakland here we'll buzz through the rest of his career even though it goes on forever it does uh we'll still we'll jump back in and go oh yeah he still plays baseball by the way uh but 1992 with oakland still he hits 246 with 22 home runs and 72 rbi he's an all-star but uh he's not exactly the same impact it's just there's something lacking and

with the with the off the field issues he's just starting to grow a little thin yeah and this is when oakland has a change of ownership this is when they have the owners that they have now who actually are concerned about not losing money before this their ownership groups for years they had charlie finley and charlie finley sold them charlie fin considered them, he was the owner of the A's in the 70s, the crazy guy who had the ball thing that popped up out of the ground and shit. The reason why they wear yellow and green uniforms, because they just thought they were different and they'd stand out. He was a crazy guy.

That was his choice, and that's the reason why? That's why, yeah. He had a ball thing for the umpire. Rather than having a ball boy, he had a little caddy that popped up out of the ground next to the umpire. Oh, Jesus. The umpire could take balls out of it. He tried tried that shit in the 70s he used to own minor league teams so he was trying to he brought that flavor into the major the money ball guy no no no that's

that's the team now because they're cheap now back then they considered and the 80s a's those good teams they spent a shitload of money they considered the a's a public trust they considered if you owned a baseball team that's a public trust. They considered if you owned a baseball team, that's a public trust. That's the community owns it. You own it, but you're overseeing it for the community. So your job is if you're going to own a team, you better put the best fucking team out there possible because they represent the whole city rather than now where it's just a cold-blooded business. And these guys are like, look, we're not losing 100 grand this year. We're going to make 80 grand profit instead.

So it's a different group, the they want rid of all these expensive guys that's when larusa goes too because he doesn't want to manage a bunch of fucking bums that make the the minimum yeah so he's like i like i was more successful when i had you know a bunch of all-stars on the you know when i had stars you know that sort of thing i had people that fucked madonna you know that sort of thing so oak Oakland trades him to the Rangers for Jeff Russell, Ruben Sierra, and Bobby Witt, the pitcher. Really? So, yeah, he ends up, Ruben Sierra ends up over there. Now, this is when they show up.

When he shows up, I remember hearing about this at some point. When he showed up in Texas, people in Texas first saw him, like, you know, general managers. And then front office guys saw him in batting practice and went, holy shit the fuck is he on yeah they were like wow i mean he's hitting rockets out of the park he's blown up huge you know giant hulk hogan sized biceps like what is happening to this fucking guy right now uh with texas he hits uh 233 with four home runs only 22 games so uh you know take that for what it is whatever uh yeah he hits 26 home runs that year total though it's 244 makes 4.3 million dollars though so my god gabby there wow october 29th and in texas and in texas yeah fuck not bad uh it's an easier park to hit home runs in oakland

oakland's kind of a big place actually but 4.3 million dollars will buy you a lot of texas oh a shitload of texas that's like a quarter of you could buy the entire panhandle yeah i think amarillo would they give you change the whole fucking place i wouldn't pay 4.3 thousand for amarillo right no offense amarillo but if you live there you know it's terrible and if you don't you're not listening to this podcast because you have no sense of humor whatsoever if you don't realize how shitty amarillo is the worst it's terrible yeah so uh october 29th 1992 there's a george strait song about driving there and it taking for fucking ever yeah that's that's all it is around it either esther and jose agree to uh terms on a divorce here uh they file for divorce they agree on terms uh this is a day after their fourth

wedding anniversary they do this so very romantic here uh it says on the divorce petition that the marriage between the parties is erect are irretrievably broken yeah uh which is funny uh they said that they worked out an amicable agreement uh amicable agreement amicable means she got a shitload of money right we later find out she got about eight million dollars out of this scenario wow in the end so i love that i love that it dissolved i love that a dissolved agreement for forever is funny to you it is kind of irretrievably broken i think think, is a funny term. I don't know why. That makes me laugh. That's hilarious.

Irretrievably. A forever agreement is broken and irretrievable. It makes me smile. It's like I went to go get it and it was just, I couldn't get it. It fell down in the sewer. It's like a kid going to get his wiffle ball. It was stuck in a tree. This kid went down in the sewer and we couldn't get it. It's in the storm drain and we got a broomstick, but we couldn't, you know, it's gone.

get it it's in the storm drain and we got a broomstick but we couldn't you know it's gone so uh the lawyer says that esther's very satisfied with it here which i can imagine actually uh i don't ever have to work again i'm fucking satisfied yeah uh uh uh delgado who's eight million dollars yes five million more than my retirement fund like that's all i need is three that's my goal i don't know there's houses and stuff mixed in that uh her lawyer said that she was too distraught to comment not had been staying with her parents in miami uh so distraught trying to figure out how to spend all that shit yeah her lawyer also said to tell you the truth i was quite surprised i think they're still in love they walked in here a few days ago and they said they wanted a divorce they

already had an agreement worked out so uh you know this is after they've been fighting in the streets and everything else uh yeah it does oh by the way right after this too uh he was he ended up agreeing to 26 hours of psychological treatment for the uh for the uh bashing in deal there really yeah uh they filed for divorce like we said last year but decided to give it another shot because you know why not at that point? Because $8 million is a lot. Yeah. Now, this is when it gets interesting.

May 23, May 24, 93, he meets Jessica Sikelli at that point and turns into Jessica Canseco later on, who writes a tell-all book about him and everything else. That's the blonde. Yeah. I read her book, if we can call it a book. A book is really loose. she's a little dopey it's really it's pretty much a diary of like a diary of dialogue like she there's no way people remember wholesale conversations from 10 years ago he said this and i said like to write a dialogue

like a play you paraphrase yes he said that he was upset with this or she was he said that i walked in the door and i walked three feet that's what she's like it's all exact quotes it's like i know you're full of shit because all of this is not exact quotes so i take this with a grain of salt this whole thing here uh now uh he meets her she describes the meeting she is a trainee hooters waitress at the time uh says she's uncomfortable in her hooters gear yeah and uh jose walks in with some friends and she didn't know who he was she's like 19 years old right and uh he they ate some sandwiches he right away asked her for her phone number and he gave she gave it to him my lady because he's jose can say go she said the bartender was like do you know what that

is and she hates those fucking shorts well so the bartender was like do you know who that is it's jose can say go and she was he's she said well he asked me for, so the bartender was like, do you know who that is? It's Jose Canseco. And she said, well, he asked me for my phone number. And the dude was like, well, fucking give it to him. What's wrong with you? You know, that's Jose goddamn Canseco. Esther got eight. Go back. Let's go.

Yeah. So they do that. Your tip's going to be much bigger. So she ends up going out with him. And it's kind of a weird little courting thing. Like, they go out. Like, he takes her to the mall and buys her a bunch of clothes like pretty woman style fucking takes her to the calvin klein store and like buys her like a full outfit full like on it's fucking ridiculous fucking hacky yeah that's what i mean that's what

i mean he's the original he's the original he's like this is the total he's the prototype of these douchebag athlete picking up hooters wait he's who tiger woods models his career after it's true it's absolutely true so uh yeah so they go out they have weird dates sort of thing and he likes her they like sleep together but don't have sex at one point in the beginning what it's really weird it's a very strange relationship they have but he's like she's a hooters waitress she's like 19 to by the way through this whole time she has a boyfriend and everything at first okay she's been going out for a while yeah you know she goes out with conseco on the side before she decides to break up with her boyfriend for a while her book doesn't paint her as the greatest

person either uh he does still like the ladies here, though. It's not... The steroids have not affected his sex drive, as we'll find out with an in-their-own-words on this subject here. In-their-own-words, quote, one definite side effect of steroid use is the atrophying of your testicles. But here's the point I want to emphasize. What happens to your

testes has nothing to do with any shrinking of the penis. That's a misconception. As a matter of a fact the reverse can be true using growth hormone hormone can make your penis bigger and make you more easily aroused so the so to the guys out there who are worried about their manhood all i can say is growth hormone worked for me he's a fucking commercial for steroids this guy try hgh my dick is huge he's like one of these late night commercials from the 90s that make your dick bigger and he but he's like just roid fucking

i have another solution steroids i have heard that he has a huge crank interesting it's gigantic i haven't heard that in the books really thing yeah i haven't really i mean i heard it from his own mouth i was gonna say that's a different story no one else really i heard him as an interview on howard stern show and he talked about how big his dick none of his wives mentioned they do mention other things though as we'll talk about there's none of his wives don't worry there's sexual encounters in detail in here uh madonna never said anything about it. That's weird. May 26th, 1993, Jose invites Jessica and a friend to the game against the Indians because

he meets her. She's in Ohio. That's where he meets her, in Ohio Hooters. So this is the game. They're sitting in the stands. This is a game where Carlos Martinez hits a fly ball that Canseco completely lost on the warning track, and it hits him in the top of the head and bounces over the wall for a home run. Oh my God.

This is where he invites the woman on the first date too. Wow. That should have been a definite harbinger of things to come in this relationship. Is that a home run or is that a ground rule double? Never hit the ground. Players not part of the field. God, that's brutal.

Home run. By the way, the cap that he was wearing is in the uh is in like some big baseball history collection really in a museum somewhere the harrisburg heat offered him a soccer contract also afterwards as a joke as a publicity joke for his fucking header he says about it quote i really didn't feel it smart guy yeah because you've got a head that's fuck it's a cinder block he said i really didn't know what happened other than i was looking for the wall and the ball nicked off my glove and hit my head which it didn't nick off of i don't think i think he was just going back and i think it went

off of his head i don't remember it nicking off his glove then he then he says i'll be on espn for a month i guess i'm just an entertainer i guess you're a fuck up the ball went over the wall three days later if you want to get even dumber yeah uh three days later on the 29th of may 93 it's a there's a marathon game where it's they've used all the pitchers it's one of these you know 18 to 16 games fuck that so conseco comes into pitch yeah for an inning here like the 19th inning it was i think it was like the eighth inning but it was just they've gone oh it didn't go extra innings i think it did actually but this was still the eighth inning he convinces the manager to let him i think it was like a 17 to 1 game or some crazy

shit like that he gives up three earned runs and two hits and three walks and hurts himself he also hurts himself so badly that he under requires tommy john surgery holy shit to reconstruct his elbow and is out for the remainder of the season gave upave up three earned runs on two hits and three walks and 33 pitches. What coach allowed that shit? Kevin Kennedy, the Red Sox manager, as a matter of fact. He says that, quote, if this is a career-ending injury, I would have other things to fall back on. Which, no, you don't. Trust me.

Trust me, you don't. As we'll find out the things he falls back on. He played 60 games that year, hit.255 with 10 home runs. So that's made $4.8 million, though. So crushed it that way. $5 million to blow it all on forcing your coach to allow you to pitch. 1994 season, this is the strike-shortened season. This is when I went away from baseball.

Yeah, yeah. He's named comeback player of the year this as much as i know about baseball yeah as into it as you were i know even less after 94 well he uh he hit 282 with 31 homers and 90 rbi that year and you know strike short in season and uh named comeback player of the year that year makes 5.1 million. December 9th, 94, he's traded to the Red Sox for our buddy Otis Nixon. Oh my God, really? And Luis Ortiz, but traded for Otis Nixon, baby. 1995 for Boston, he plays 102 games, hits 306 with 24 homers.

So best season he's had in a while. Boston loses to Cleveland in the playoffs. He makes 5.8 million that year. My Christ. Let's do an excerpt from the jessica book because this is this is around this time in the in the book this is what she's talking about right around this time like 95 area here uh quote jose and i had sex two or three times a day i still didn't have an orgasm but now i could see myself in the mirror not having an orgasm

one time while jose was taking me from behind, I turned my head and saw him back there, parked between my legs, thrusting in and out, and watching himself in the mirror. It was pretty strange. The man really loved himself. I wondered what his secret was. I could have used a little self-love myself.

In those days, I didn't like myself very much at all. That's the least hottest, hottest thing I've ever heard. It's the weirdest thing. That is so bizarre. That's the whole book. Yeah.'ve ever heard it's the weirdest that's the whole book yeah that's the book really it's so weird it's like weird shit like that like these odd fucking strange parked between my legs thrusting in and out i'm fucking i was turned on right up until i realized it was you saying it's me saying it and jose canseco is the one thrusting which makes it even weirder november 9th, 95. This isn't Jose, but it's fucking entertaining. It's his brother, Ozzy.

They look the same. I'm calling it. We're doing it. He's arrested after he shoots out the tires of a moving van and threatens two movers during a dispute over his furniture. This is fucking amazing. He's charged with aggravated assault and one count of felony property damage. No one was injured.

It takes place at 7 o'clock at night in the driveway of his house. He just moved, and he said he got into an argument with the two movers, and the cop said, quote, I believe he wanted to look at some of the stuff on the truck before it was unloaded, and they said they wanted to be paid first. But when the movers refused, Canseco went into the house and returned with a 9mm semi-automatic handgun yelling expletives and threatening the men.

Quote, he came out and fired four rounds from the gun into the tires, flattening five of six tires on the truck and threatening the movers. Great shot. That's fucking incredible. Wow.

Really good shot by him, but that's awesome. Unbelievable. That's like I said, it's not Jose, but I still, we need to talk about that. The crazy nut doesn't fall far from the batshit tree. Exactly. I've said it once, I've said it before. The crazy nut does not.

I'd be a butcher. I think so. So December 6th, 1995, he re-signs with Boston. 96, he hits 289 with 28 homers. That's fucking incredible.'s i love that story i wish i would have been there that night i know it would have been fun uh he makes uh 4.725 million dollars uh jose and jessica get married now oh this is also they get married oh yeah uh they have a daughter that year too josey so we know really yeah we know that's that's junior

sir that's what i mean that's that's you named your daughter that's as close as you could get to junior yeah if that i wasn't there she's a junior baby it's all good uh january 27th 97 he's traded by the red socks back to the a's really so he ends up back with the a's see this is i don't remember any of this no that's weird at 97 oakland he had uh 235 with 23 home runs uh he had makes 4.225 million dollars for nothing for pretty much nothing which is uh why he was traded in the first place november 6 97 he has a little bit of a problem yeah uh he's arrested early in the morning and accused of uh doing some some shit here uh he's returning in a car with his wife and his wife's friend.

They're all in the car together. He ends up charged with simple battery at the end of this whole thing here. They got in an argument, he and Jessica, returning from the party. The car was driven by her friend. Jose was in the back seat.

He reaches forward into the front seat, grabbed his wife by the hair and slapped her in the face and in the back of the head a couple of times. I guess he paint brushed her up a little bit here. I love it. The police said, quote, you can't. Yeah, that's the police officer said, quote, it turned violent. Mrs. Conseco went home with a bruise under her left eye and called the police. The friend also backed up her claim yeah uh conseco's agent had no comment who was also his brother

the fucking uh yosemite sam his agent yosemite sam uh did have not have a comment which is amazing i love that uh so january 8th 98 he pleads no contest to domestic violence charge in miami he's sentenced to one year of probation his probation will expire in six months if he can if he completes his counseling schedule uh he's already attended five sessions with a therapist uh they've only been married for a year uh and they're at currently in the process of getting a divorce he's already hitting her and they're in the process of getting a divorce. He's already hitting her. And they're in the process of getting a divorce. Very escalated relationship.

My Christ. When Hooters is involved, things get way different very quickly. How did he think that a Hooters waitress was going to be happily ever after? Yeah, well, this is the funny thing is they're together for a long time. This is not the end. The judge is allowing him to check in for probation by telephone so he can report to spring training, though. So they're still they're still giving him special treatment. This is fucking great. It's just it gets so much better here.

So they stay together. He signs with Toronto in 1998 because you have to have him. Yeah. They have a pool party that year in toronto where he plays host to a legendary pool party that ends up being talked about in congressional hearings later on what apparently this it was a blue jays party when he was on the blue jays this is when roger clemens played there and all that apparently roger clemens nanny uh was uh and and debbie clemens and jessica conseco were all comparing their boob jobs oh no and so there was

a fucking summer rental this was like a big like uh you know legendary kind of oh all the elder tits out tell them they're great yeah type of thing natural also there was a lot of steroids discussed here blah blah by the way uh he says conseco calls everybody out for steroids actually i mean clemens did a bunch of steroids and he even admits it, but he said that he never talked to Clemens about steroids. He's like, there's one guy, he never brought it up to me. He said, I never even saw him flirt with another woman.

He never cheated on his wife. He said, Clemens is the most upstanding guy I ever saw. How about that? Which is odd. I didn't expect that out of him, but that's something to say. Clemens still is a crooked fuck. Oh, he's a crooked fuck, absolutely.

So that year though, he hits237 with 46 home runs. Now we're talking. He crushed it that year with home runs. They were talking about he got hurt for a while because he had a back problem, but he was on pace to break the record at that point. They were talking about, it was the 98 season, and they were talking about, you know, Maguire, Canseco, and Sosa. Right.

The three of them. And then Canseco dipped out with the injury there. Because Sosa kept up with the cork bat. Yeah, and McGuire, obviously. Kept juicing. And so did Sosa. So he had 29 steals that year, too. Wow.

Caught stealing 17 times. So he was just going for it a lot. Made $2.125 million. December 4th of 1980, he appears in Nash Bridges, the TV show. Really? In the Hardball episode. Oh, Christ. As a character named Chuss Ortiz.

Oh, boy. Quote, Nash and Joe have to babysit Mickey Tripp, a motor mouth shock jock, after a body armor wearing assassin tries to kill him. Their search for the assassin is compounded by the fact that Nick has hired them an off-duty case to find his softball team star pitcher, a Salvadoran defector named chus who's on the run

from the nis or ins fucking caitlin babysits her roommates kids and people watched that people watched that show that was on television that aired on television they spent money tbs and that's cbs that's a fucking major network nash bridges was on cbs you bet your ass that is embarrassing that is excessively you should fucking be so disappointed in yourself that's the last there's a lot you shouldn't feel sad about that's just the tip of the iceberg december 11th 1980 signs with the tampa bay devil rays uh the reports indicated that the contract requires conseco's hall of Fame plaque if he's inducted in the Hall of Fame because he's got over 400 home runs.

I'm thinking 500 gets you in the Hall of Fame. They want that on there. This is pre-Royd's shit. That it's to depict a Devil Rays cap if he's eventually inducted, like Wade Boggs is the same bullshit. Really? Yeah. Yeah.

Because he's from down there. He agreed to that horse shit. The Rays deny that, but that seems to be, it comes out, it's a common feature of their contracts at that time. And catcher John Flaherty said, quote, he draws attention and we needed somebody like that. With Jose, you don't have people getting up to go to the bathroom until after he's hit. So basically, no one cared about the Devil Rays.

They turned into a good team in the mid 2000s. And nobody gives a shit still. No, but back back then they were just the butt of every joke it was just they play in that awful stadium team yeah they were terrible uh may 10th 99 it's fucking tampa and it's tampa may 10th 99 he and tampa are he in tampa he and jessica file for divorce again guess what they stay together of course they did this is like the third filing for divorce again. Guess what? They stay together. Of course they did. This is like the third filing for divorce in three years. He hits 279 that year in 113 games with 34 home runs and 95 RBI. So he comes back, makes the all-star team. That's amazing. He's like a big story that year.

He's like, holy shit. The man never quit. He goes back. No. 3.325 million, too. So no reason to fucking quit here. 2,000 with Tampa, 61 games. He hits.257 with nine home runs and 30 RBI.

It's at this point where we'll talk about one of his houses because he's got a bunch of houses. I was just going to say he's probably got a fucking nest egg that's bigger than the nest egg, than the egg that he had under his arm in the commercials. He puts his money away a lot, though. He has a big, his money away a lot, though. Yeah. His egg. Yeah. His roid egg. Yeah. He talks about houses having five of them, including one is a 22,000 square foot estate

in Weston, Florida. Oh, my God. Patrolled by a bunch of $25,000 turtles. That's expensive. It had four acres, a 5,500 square foot gym. What? 5,500 square foot gym. A waterfall, a lagoon, a pool, caves, a j, 5,500 square foot gym, a waterfall,

a lagoon, a pool, caves, a jacuzzi, caves, caves, multiple caves, koi ponds,

quote, all over the place. What the fuck? All over the place. He said, quote, and I was alone there. The most miserable time I've ever had,

the most depressed I've ever been was in that house. That sounds amazing. That sounds great. I would, I would live there all day with nobody around. No shit. been was in that house. That sounds amazing. That sounds great. I would live there forever. I would smile all day with nobody around. No shit. So he sold that place, and he ends up, he said he pared down his fleet of Mercedes to three. Three Mercedes, two Lincoln Navigators, and one Rolls Royce.

Killing it. So, you know, he's just kind of keeping it low key for now. He traded the 22,000 square foot house for's just kind of keeping it low key for now. He, boy, he's traded the 22,000 square foot house for like a 15 and only has one rolls now. He's an asshole. Yeah, you know, he's just doing that sort of thing here. And now back to the show. So it's ridiculous, man.

He said, quote, I was a nerd, a little dweeb when i was a kid in high school i was a skinny and little i'm the perfect example of before and after so he's trying to say that hard work can do this to you uh so yeah he's saying that uh he said quote how many millionaires commit suicide and he said uh none none lately so he's like trying to say he's doing great right now feeling wonderful august 7 2000 he's claimed off wai say he's doing great right now. Feeling wonderful. August 7, 2000, he's claimed off waivers by the Yankees because Tampa puts him on waivers. I remember, too, the Yankees got him just to keep Boston from signing.

We had Joe Torre. He didn't want him at all as a manager. Nobody wanted him on the team. They just didn't want Boston to have him. That makes sense. So he does nothing. He plays in 37 games. He hits.243 with six home runs. Does dick. He does have one with six home runs. Does dick. He does have one at bat in the World Series. Won that year because the Yankees beat the Mets in the World Series in five games that year.

That was the Subway Series? They win the World Series. And Jose has one at bat and he strikes out. And I remember it. I was very excited for it. And he fucking struck out hard. And still gets a ring, though. Swinging or looking?

I think it was swinging. If I'm not mistaken. That sounds like Jose. Yeah. still gets a ring though swinging or looking i think it was swinging that's i'm not mistaken that's that sounds like uh yeah still gets a ring though so there's that and uh makes three million bucks for his efforts so not too shabby here january 16th 2001 signs as a free agent with the angels amana heim here march 28th 2001 he's released by the angels right before the season starts uh so he said that was fast that was He's released by the Angels right before the season starts. So he signs. Well, that was fast. That was quick, right? Signed by the Angels, released by the Angels. Fast. Signs with the Newark Bears of the Independent League here

right after that. For the Bears, he plays in 41 games, hits.284 with 7 home runs, 27 RBI, and 10 steals. So he's trying. He's making an effort. June 21st, 2001 uh he is purchased by the white socks yeah from the newark bears which is what he was trying to do is catch on with a major league team so that's what he's attempting to do here and it worked out 2001 he ends up with

the white socks so he plays 75 or 76 games with the white socks that year hits 258 with 16 home runs not too shabby makes 500 grand which is not great for him no uh so after that season ends october 31st 2001 he's feeling good yeah him and ozzy are hanging out he's got ozzy fucking ozzy man he's fucking ozzy ozzy will keep coming up too he keeps coming up in his life uh conseco is at a nightclub in miami yes and he runs into a couple tourists from California. Oh, boy. And has some problems. Conseco said he was at the club with his brother and three women when a man grabbed

Conseco's date's ass. Nope. And became aggressive with her. Which, who's walking up to that group? Conseco and his brother, his brother Roy, they're both enormous and the same size. Who's walking up to two identical monsters and grabbing one of their girlfriend's asses

that's insane if they did do that that's a crazy person deserved to be clobbered yeah Konseko said another man approached his brother

and pushed him and he said Ozzy pushed him back and a fight started off Jose says quote I know that my brother and myself were definitely victims

and the girl I was with got sexually assaulted we got attacked we are the victims here we just defended ourselves well they end up getting taken to miami-dade county jail because they uh they broke a guy's nose and another man needed 20 stitches in his face so that that's a problem uh the uh their lawyer says quote jose and osvaldo are both looking forward to defending this matter vigorously in court they both feel these allegations are false and that the source of the people uh the source are the people with financial motives right uh yeah so uh apparently this was a this was a big deal too uh this whole deal there's a guy uh presley is his last name you'll hear from him later he's one of the guys he's the original groper yeah uh he's the the accused groper in the beginning who then ends

up with a broken nose uh so these were two uh tourists from california hanging out miami beach if you're from california don't go to florida why are you just stick around it's much worse see what see that beach there it's a worse one right over there that's the only difference there's meth and needles and shit. It's just worse. Just stay there. February 21st, 2002, signs with the Montreal Expos, which is interesting. March 27th, 2002, he's released by the Montreal Expos.

You want to talk depressing? That's some depressing shit. April 24th, 2002, he is signed by the Chicago White Sox again. He plays with the Charlotte Knights in AAA, White Sox affiliate there. That year, plays 18 games, hits 172 with five home runs and nine RBI. Jesus. So October 24th, he's released by the White Sox. Yeah, that'll do it.

That's going to be it for him in the majors at that point. His major league totals, though, are impressive. Oh, boy. 1,887 games, 7,057 at-bats. He hits 266, 462 home runs wow 1407 rbi 1877 hits 1186 runs 200 steals 88 caught stealing 1942 strikeouts 906 walks that's a monster rookie of the year one-time mvp six-time all-star four-time silver slugger that's a guy that's a monster. Rookie of the year, one-time MVP, six-time all-star, four-time silver slugger. That's a guy.

That's a man. That's a guy you want. Made, you ready for the total of money? Oh, boy. 15? $45,580,000 he made in his career. $45,000,000. $45,580,000.

I tried to keep up with that math in my head while we were going, and I got to 15. Trifle it, homeboy. Yeah. $45,000,000. I tried to keep up with that math in my head while we were going and I got to 15. Oh boy. Yeah. $45 million and you know, hall of fame numbers. Yeah. And insane. And three ex-wives and two right now he's still on one, but he ends up with two and a half by the time the story's over. We'll talk about here. So November, November 5th,th 2002 he agrees to uh probation terms he pleads guilty to felony aggravated battery and two counts of misdemeanor battery for the nightclub incident his brother uh also pleaded guilty to felony battery misdemeanor battery and also agreed to probation uh there's also 250 hours of community service They both have to take anger control classes and regularly report to probation officers.

They're talking about beforehand. I guess he didn't meet the conditions of his probation on his last one with the wife there. He was supposed to pay a $50 a month for supervision and $511 in court costs, and he didn't pay it. So they're talking about that. He made $45 million. Oh, Jesus. Pay the $1,000 you owe and he didn't pay it. So they're talking about that. He made $45 million. Oh, Jesus. Pay the $1,000 you owe the court, you fucking dummy.

Just give them their money, you fuckface. January 2003, one of the men involved, the Presley guy, Christian Presley, files a civil lawsuit against them. And when you're guilty, that's a slam dunk. For over a million dollars against both the brothers here. For over a million dollars against both the brothers here. February 13th, 2003, Circuit Judge Leonard Glick issues a warrant for Canseco after being told that Canseco failed to begin community service, did not take any anger control classes, and he also left Florida for longer than 30 days. What are you doing, Jose? All the shit he's not supposed to do, as well as the payment of the court costs, and he never sent any monthly reports or anything like that that he was supposed to do.

The judge said, quote, the subject does not appear to take probation seriously, which is not something you want a judge to say to you. Yeah. Because the other option is jail. Yeah. So you want them to say, you seem to be taking this probation very seriously. Very seriously. Excessively seriously.

One would say way too seriously. I would say super seriously, as a matter of fact. Ridiculous. seriously i would say it's super seriously as a matter of ridiculous i've never seen it taken so seriously you're just you're really into this it's a little too hard you should probably go take the you have a tattoo you give about it yeah said i love probation you have the blind justice with the scales we we see that you give a shit you have a caricature drawn of you and your probation officer playing racquetball together, which is very strange. One of those ones with the big head that they make on Venice Beach.

And your probation officer is dressed as Deathpool. That's interesting. That's interesting. Very nice. And you're both on skateboards. Did I say Deathpool? You said Deathpool. I said Deathpool.

I felt bad. I figured you're tired. I'm going to kill myself. February 19th, 2003. I figured. you're tired i'm i'm gonna kill myself february 19th 2003 i figured uh uh he says this he's trying to get out of he's trying to make excuses for why he missed court right uh he says that uh he had doctor's notes uh he had excuses because his dad was sick yeah all this type of thing uh basically the doctor said the doctor the judge said uh fuck off uh You're going to jail with no bond this time till we figure out what to do with you.

You're revoking your probation right now. So the issue issues and he had already issued an arrest warrant for him. So he's handcuffed and hauled away. Seven counts of probation violation. We described what he did, what he didn't do. He's in court and he says, quote, I understand I have to take responsibility. I ask for the i ask for mercy the mercy and understanding of the court his lawyers tried to plead for his release on bond

they said he's struggling with a custody battle and everything else the judge actually cut them off mid-sentence and he said he said uh the court hearing isn't for them to argue he said it's quote an opportunity to surrender the defendant right there's talking. He's just here to be cuffed and taken to jail, and then we're going to talk about it later when he's in jail for a while. Stop talking. Put him in cuffs, and we'll talk about it later. Yeah. It's awesome.

It's insane here. So he's handcuffed and taken away. Some people are yelling, Jose, we love you, and shit like that, which is hilarious. His father said, quote, he didn't have time for the probation stuff. He just doesn't have time. That's what he told him. He's so busy banging all these hot chicks.

Yeah. The judge, they basically found out from the judge that he's been pissing him off, basically. Jose's been pissing the judge off. He had a note from his doctor saying that he couldn't travel to california to attend a court hearing because of nasal surgery oh boy uh so he said he will uh issue a warrant for his arrest if it happened again and it did ozzy on the other hand it was less rich uh is taking this very seriously uh he showed up for everything he has to do for for everything because you know he doesn't want to go broke and yes now jose as a spokes spokesman for the Department of Corrections, said about Jose's case, quote, I don't think the judge is too ecstatic about letting Jose out for a while.

His attorney said they admit to him he violated his probation, but they just wanted to offer an explanation. And the judge said to save it for sentencing. And he's going to spend a month in jail waiting for that sentencing. Brutal. Which finally comes March 18th. He does this. He calls, Jose calls the month in jail his uh worst nightmare come true that's more sobering than tsa i would say so

he says quote i'm sincerely sorry i never meant to hurt anyone or disrespect anyone i mean i've embarrassed my family and friends i now know the seriousness of probation uh the judge said quote i would not hesitate for one minute to send you to state prison all these folks were asking you to do was the basics it was the deal of the century oh my god he said everything but you dumb motherfucker this is exactly what you sir may fuck off was made for standing here he says you sir may fuck off and he only revokes his probation sentences him to two years house arrest jesus. Followed by three years of probation. But it's still, he said it in an angry way.

It's still a lot. It's a fuck off. That's five years. Go sit in your house, asshole. Five years, go deal with our system. And you're going to fuck it up because you're a moron. If you fuck up in five years, you're going to prison. Well, Jose, the month later in April, he's in house arrest.

He says, well, while I'm here, I'm bored and I'm just losing money. So I might as well try to do something so what he does is uh he starts a website oh my god accepting bids to spend an afternoon with jose can say at his own house at his house because he's on house arrest uh the opening bid price is twenty five hundred dollars wow for this that's a pretty good deal he received 268 bids as this was going, but you didn't know how many were legitimate. The top offer of $30,000 was from a fan identifying himself as Joe Blow. There's also a bit of $0. The guy with the bubble gum.

Yes, and an offer of $1 billion who was removed from it. That's amazing. His attorney said, hey, you know, he's still a celebrity. There's still a lot of people out there who want to hang out with celebrities. Dr. Evil fucking bid on this. One billion dollars. Oh, my God. That's amazing.

It's so funny. They removed it. The billion, yeah, because it's obviously not real. I love that they were like, no, that one's not real. But what was the other bid fucking 30 grand yeah but they had a silly name on it so they knew joe blow so his former agent said quote it's not exactly the best pr move people around him are always trying to give him the best advice whenever something comes up as bad timing it's usually because he thought of his on his own right he's a dumb fuck uh it's the website said uh quote spend the afternoon with jose at his house in south florida ideas for activities

private power hitting instruction private martial arts instruction work out with jose and cook out by the pool cashiers check or money order only if he was smart he would just say if you want to spend time with me it's 2500 bucks and just500. And just fucking let people do that. Because people do that all day. Yeah, well, he said he'll provide round-trip limousine service from the airport, but overnight accommodations and airfare are not included. That's a problem. The highest-breder can also bring along a guest who's younger than 18 at no extra cost. It says, quote, Jose loves kids.

So he's fine with kids. The judge said it was fine with him. He didn't know. He said, quote, as long as there's no criminal act going on, there's absolutely nothing wrong with it. It's free enterprise. A little unusual form, but still free enterprise. This is what the judge says. A little unorthodox.

This whole thing here, this guy ends up doing it. There's this guy who, like a guy who works in a factory ends up going on this thing taking a second mortgage for this he it said it was a he said it was a month and a half's pay to come to pay to hang out with jose canseco no no 2,500 bucks 2,500 a month and a half he was like a 20 year old kid he's like a 20 year old kid he saved up his money to do this and uh he's hanging out with jose canseco by the pool while jose canseco like tells stories about he tells they go over the fact that in uh in 2001 when he was in boston or 91 i don't know one of the years he's in boston people are chanting steroids at him and he answered by fucking doing like a hulk hogan flex pose on him so he explains

how cool that was uh so let's find out what's not so cool and what the judge doesn't think is okay. On June 23, 2003, he's arrested in his own home for failing a drug test. Ordered to jail to await a hearing on whether he violated probation by testing positive for steroids. He was under house arrest, obviously. Then there's people, his attorney says, quote, if Jose Canose can say it was a drug problem he needs help not jail roking probation or parole is being sent back to prison because of a positive drug test doesn't help anyone it doesn't but jesus christ you don't get it you're already in your house you're not even allowed to leave if you're going to get arrested for a drug test while you're on probation do

something some fucking make it worth it. At least have fun. But he's got to flex by the pool for his fans, so he needs to do that. For the guy that's paying $2,500 to be there. Right around this time, his wife is gone. His wife disappears at this point. His daughter is born also, as we know.

Another one. No, he has the Josie still, who's like seven. His wife's gone at some point. He doesn't know where she is uh so uh he calls a what he calls a friend at one of the airlines and tracks her down tracks her down to kansas city he stalked her yes well he finally tracks her down to kansas city and uh when he does there's finds out turns out there's a reason why she's in kansas city because she's fucking tony gonzalez the chief's tight end.

Oh, no. So she's hooked up with him now. Really? Yes. Oh, that's amazing. Yes. He's so much more handsome. Yeah, that was terrible. Brutal.

Yeah, he said he almost killed himself at this point. He said he took out a street sweeper from his closet, which is like a shotgun that he uses to to shoot sharks when he went deep sea wow i don't know if that's legal and and hilarious to think about that's hysterical him standing on a boat firing a shotgun into the water shirtless is pretty fucking funny uh you know sorry about the sharks but that's just funny you don't use that's objectively funny right no he's firing gunshots into the ocean like a fucking lunatic not a lake or a pond it's got to be a slug he's not shooting fucking birdshot at these things he said he was ready to shoot himself when uh something told me something had decided that

it wasn't my time he says uh in his book that's from his book okay uh so now he tries to be an actor yeah uh he he he uh wow he called, quote, natural action hero in an article in The LA Times. He. Well, this is amazing. He shopped himself around. He made a demo tape of himself twirling nunchucks and shit. Like, look at me. I mean, he literally had a woman in like a nightgown standing nearby while he did shit with a nunchuck.

Like, look, I'm Steven Seagal. It's fucking amazing. Jean-Claude can't do this. And that tape exists out there, by the way. You can see that somewhere, I'm sure. April 27, 2005 is civil court for that bar brawl. He and his twin brother Ozzy are told to pay more than a million dollars in damages after a jury ruled against them,

because, you know, before the other two men here. They awarded the victims $300,000 in punitive damages and $700,000 in compensatory damages. Wow. Yeah. So it was Christian Presley and Alan Cheeks are the ones who suffered these. Congratulations, fellas.

Yeah. Jose, no shit. Jose was ordered to pay $240,000 in punitive damages with $220,000, $5,000 for Presley and $15,000 for Cheeks. His brother had to pay $50,000 in punitive damages all to Cheeks. And the jury award was split nearly evenly between the brothers. Jose Canseco spoke to the plaintiffs after the verdict. Oh, my God. Calling them each complete liars

and challenging them to take lie detector tests. Just stop. It was four years ago. Right. Move on. Pay the check and leave. You just look like an asshole now. You're a giant hulking dude

who already beat the shit out of these guys. Right. And now you're in court going, you're liars. Take a lie detector. Do you think that looks good for you?'s awesome uh he said quote this is nothing but extortion it's sad that it's come down to this this is unbelievable a complete scam so he's super pissed about this whole thing very very mad uh he felt uh the ones who won cheeks and presley

said the verdict was quite a bit of vindication he they said quote this was not a bar fight this was an attack i did not have it coming and it was not deserved these two are huge and i'm not an idiot that's what it said here uh they they tried to say uh there's an accountant hired by them that testified that conseco has a net worth of 1.9 million dollars at this point and that ozzy has quote virtually no net worth it didn't work. From 45 to 1.9. One divorce, another one leaving. It's not great here. My God. His assets include two homes in California worth almost $5 million.

That's his net worth. Combined $500,000 advance on his book that's coming out. Then we'll talk about Juiced. And $300,000 appearance from The Surreal Life that's coming up that we'll also talk about i remember that his liabilities are also 3.7 million dollars in mortgages and child support payments uh yeah it's fucking ridiculous wow it makes sense so what do you do when you have to do when you have to pay a bunch of money you don't have a bunch of money you sell your shit like jeremy mayfield right and that's what he does right he sells his 2000 yankees world series ring for $40,000.

He backed out of a deal. Then he backed out of the deal with the guy at the last second. He apparently is selling the bat and ball he used to swat his 40th home run in the 40-40 season. And the cleats and the base from the 40th steal. He's asking $10,000 for each of those items. That's a good deal. It's not bad. He's also apparently selling his 88 ALCS championship ring. We're the one where they lost the World Series. These are all great deals. They are deal it's not bad he's also apparently selling his 88 alcs championship ring we're the one where they lost the world these are all great deals they are they're not bad

2005 he really comes back into the forefront juiced is released the book and this was a major deal yeah this if you weren't paying attention 13 years ago when this happened this was enormous this is when he went on the howard stern show he went for a congress for christ's sake fuck howard stern he was like yeah he went on the Howard Stern show that I heard. He went for a Congress, for Christ's sake. Fuck Howard Stern. He was like, yeah. He went on Howard Stern to promote this book, and that's when I heard all his stories. And I was like, I'm really upset that I missed all of Jose's life. This is a tell-all book where he talks about his steroid use in no uncertain terms and everything else.

Sexual escapades and everything else. And also everyone else's steroid use. This is when he calls everyone out. He says baseball's got a problem. No one wants to talk about it, but I'm telling the truth. Everybody just destroyed him. They went in front of fucking Congress. Kurt Schilling and Rafael Palmeiro and Mark McGuire.

All of them telling him. He's a liar. He's a liar. Right. And he's only saying that because he's not in baseball anymore. I didn't take steroids. All of them took steroids. They're all guilty.

Everyone that said I never took steroids, I don't know if it ever came out with Schilling, but I suspect it because you don't go from throwing 89 one year to 97 when you're 34. That just doesn't happen. So, sorry, dude. I think he doctored that stuff, too. Oh, he did. I hate Kurt. Kurt Schilling is the Skip Bayless of sports and actual players.

I fucking hate Kurt Schilling. He's a big fuck, and he'd probably kick my ass, but I would so fucking fight him just to get one shot in on that smug fucking face. He might not now, though. You stupid fat fuck. Oh, I hate him. I think losing all his money in a video game. Oh, that was great.

I think that humbled him enough. I fucking laughed so hard you fucking scumbag and he's such a conservative fuck but he borrowed a hundred million dollars from the state and defaulted on the loan you piece of shit he's a loser dirtbag lying fucking scumbag you and skip balis should have your own fucking show together which should be called assholes arguing with each other that way there's no other side and we'll get the we'll get the other side which will be a black guy who's got some sense of normalcy on both of them and have them have a show together where they discuss things in a logical fashion and they don't act like ass

wipes like those two fucking morons so anyway uh all hell breaks loose he's on 60 minutes yeah and they say you you write a book about injecting steroids you say that you injected steroids into mark mcguire right because mcguire was the home run king of that yeah i mean he was a big deal They say you write a book about injecting steroids. You say that you injected steroids into Mark McGuire. Right. Because McGuire was the home run king of that. I mean, he was a big deal. He was the sacred cow of baseball. McGuire was on steroids.

No. That would just ruin everything. So everyone had to pretend he wasn't. Jose says, quote, just the first time injecting them in his buttocks, he said, it wasn't like he gave it a lot of thought. It was something so common. What we did more times than I can count was we go into a bathroom stall together and shoot up steroids after batting practice or right before the game mark and i would duck into a stall in the men's room load up our syringes and inject ourselves i would often inject mark he said a lot

of times it was in pill form a lot of times it was just a quick injection or whatever and that's it uh so he talks about this whole thing in the book here uh now mcguire has something to say about this mcguire says once and for all i did not use steroids nor any illegal substance i feel sorry to see someone turn to such drastic measures to accomplish a personal agenda at the expense of so many the relationship that these allegations portray couldn't be further from the truth most concerning to me is the negative effect that that that sensationalizing steroids will have on impressionable youngsters who dream of one day becoming professional athletes oh how dare you mcguire freckle face lying fuck you jesus christ he just basically said from 45 to 1 million and now he's losing half of that to

these guys in a bar fight who are we gonna believe these kids need a better role model it's ridiculous like me you mark tony larusa now gets real stupid and looks dumb later on he says quote jose can say that said that he says that he and mark used anabolic steroids a lot when you were uh managing back in the day they asked him that yeah he says i don't think there's any doubt that there's that's a complete fabrication the product of our good play and the size and strength of our players mark was a great managing back in the day. They ask him that. He says, I don't think there's any doubt that that's a complete fabrication. The product of our good play and the size and strength of our players, Mark was a great example.

What we saw was a lot of hard work and hard work will produce size and gains. First of all, right in the neck. Yeah, right in your biceps and everywhere it counts to hit it. Right in your home run hitting muscles. That's where it produces gains. Right in the forearm. They said,

they asked, well well what do you think uh what do you think that canseco says mcguire was using and he says larusa says first of all i think he's in dire straits and needs money i think secondly there's a healthy case of envy and jealousy uh so yeah okay he's there he will not fucking he's just saying what a goddamn liar. He's just jealous. He's just jealous. He's lying. Every word he said about all those guys were 100% true. And it came out later on. It was all 100% true.

In 1992, they asked him about this. He was traded to the Rangers. They said, did you teach your new teammates how to use steroids? He said, yes. We spoke and educated three or four players there. Rafael Palmeiro, Juan Gonzalez, Ivan Rodriguez. I injected them. Absolutely.

And they all turned into giant home run hitters after that. Yeah. Pudge was a good player before that, but not a power hitter. And then next thing you know, he's hitting 41 homers. Weird. Strange. As a catcher. Isn't that odd?

Yeah. Palmeiro's lawyer says that Mr mr palmaro categorically denies that he has ever engaged in illicit use of steroids or any substance banned by major league baseball how fucking dare you how dare you uh he says jason giambi obviously was using roids for sure which came out later he admitted he did too giambi was the most stand-up guy of any of those things as soon as it all came out he goes yeah i'm sorry i did it i'm sorry he was like i'm sorry i was stupid but yeah i did it that's weird he was like yeah i totally did it though yeah i mean that was you know the zombie boys were everyone else denied it for years they're basically the

second coming of the consecos they're just white trash consecos that's what they are they're just they're total white trash those guys that's all it is uh so conseco says it wasn't a big deal it was common ground uh so right after that since he's all famous again now, he goes on The Surreal Life. Yes. So he goes on The Surreal Life. On that show is Jose Canseco, Caprice, what was it? That model lady, the Caprice, the Borette or Bore or whatever her name was. Peppa.

Yeah. From Salt-N-Pepa. Janice Dickinson, the angry old model. The original supermodel, right. dickinson the uh angry old model model uh the carrie hart angry old model that's what she was to me on the show i'm like who's the angry old model lady that's true that's all she was hey the lady with the butthole mouth her lips are fucking weird she's just angry uh carrie hart pink sex boyfriend yes the dirt bike guy who i didn't know amarosa yeah of trump fame right the one

that somebody who called her the n-word i don't remember i think it was trump and belki bartokomus himself bronston pin show uh which is fucking hilarious what a cast so i mean they're all in this fucking thing about this i mean think about you figure bronston pin show was like he was kind of a flash in the pan as an actor i mean mean, he had a sitcom for years and everything. But like by 93, there was no more Bronson Pinchot. Perfect Strangers was amazing. Yeah. Well, that was, I loved it when I was a kid.

That, you got Peppa, who was kind of a big star, you know, but like, no one even knows her name. She's Peppa. Right. That's a good point. You know what I mean? Like no one, her name is Sandy Denton. Did you know that?

Is it really? Sandy Peppa Denton. I didn't know that janice dickinson like you're sick you have to know if you're in this house it's fucking over yeah like i am this is official washed up right here i'm at washed up rock bottom rock bottom so i mean they're all here it's so fucking funny too because remember they used to make them do like the stupid tricks they had to do like stupid activities and all that shit one of this the activities it's fucking as america sits at their house watching these giggles their ass i remember him yeah well look at balky bartok and must try to make dinner isn't that hilarious so one night oh jesus one of

they're waiting on one of these scheduled bullshit things and there's a knock at the door and it's bobby colorado animal trainer from Fredericksburg, Texas. And he says... How is it you come to arrive here? What the fuck is wrong with you? What are you doing? You sit in a fucking house with these... Look at her.

She's fucking washed up. She's what? She hasn't done shit in 20 years, and when she did do shit it was standing there fucking smiling she didn't even do nothing she's a fucking dummy this one you got Peppa she isn't even the fucking lead rapper she just stood there she's the tall one

who jumped around but that's not the problem you got fucking Balky Bartaka what the fuck is his name over this fucking guy what are you kidding me he was in the fucking Beverly Hills Cop movie that's when he was funny I don't know who the fuck this guy is who the fuck are these but caprice i don't even know you this is a goddamn fucking you i'm a row you're not a fucking star you're on a goddamn what are you good in an office what are we this is how fucking show business is now ladies

in the from a fucking office around this is ridiculous jose i'm gonna tell you what to do because you're clearly you're turning into a jerk-off. I'm going to be fucking honest with you here. You need to go home. You got a nice big house. You got a bunch of turtles. You throw those turtles right in the fucking garbage. You get yourself a nice dog.

You settle down. The dog ain't going to cheat on you with no tight ends from the Kansas City Chiefs. They're not going to fucking embarrass you on television. They're not going to call you a liar and they don't mind if your nuts are shriveled up from steroid use. It's beautiful.

I got to go now. Poof. And in a puff of marinara sauce and dog shit, he's gone. And everyone is very confused. And they say, who the fuck invited him over? The production team said,

well, we thought that would be good for everyone. Everyone needed to hear that, is what they said. We're sorry. Hilarious. September 6, 2005, Juicy, Confessions of a former baseball wife by jessica conseco comes out this is based on his book juiced obviously this is a tell-all

like i said it's a diary it's a long diary entry it's a terrible fucking book the diary of a hooters waitress that's what it should have been called it's a diary of a hooters waitress of and it's just it's literally whatever hooters waitress of and it's just it's literally whatever hooters waitress or not it's just a diary of someone who's not a great writer uh just telling about some shit that happened to her from the time she was 19 to like 27 like it's fucking terrible her talent is that she married a man who can get the cheese sticks they're right warm right yeah that's all and fucking way over way overpriced and way over hyped fucking chicken wings. Those chicken wings are terrible.

They are terrible. I've been with Hooters in years. They're fucking horrible. They're awful. The breading. Fuck you, Hooters. How dare you call those fucking wings. They are terrible.

Assholes. That whole place is awful. Fuck you, Hooters. June 29th, 2006, the Independent Golden Baseball League announces Jose Canseco has agreed to a one-year contract to play with the San Diego Surf Dogs. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. The league said he's agreed to be subjected to its drug testing policy that, quote, immediately expels any players found using steroids or illegal drugs.

Oh, shit. He plays one game for the Surf Dogs. And then takes a drug test. And he is traded. Yeah. They were like, you're pissed now. And he's like, test. And he is traded. Yeah. They were like, you're pissed now. And he's like, no, I don't think so. Trade me.

I won't stop doing steroids if my freedom depends on it. You think I'm going to do it if my San Diego surf dogs contract depends on it, buddy? That's fantastic. So he's traded to the Long Beach Armada. He requested the trade due to, quote, family obligations. So, yes, he plays in 21 games. He hits 176 with four home runs that year. So not terrific.

2007, he, Jesus Christ, it's in the New York Times that he threatened to include Tigers outfielder Maglio Ordonez in his most recent book that's coming out, Vindicated, Big Names, Liars, and the Battle to Save Baseball. coming out vindicated big names liars in the battle to save baseball uh apparently the only way mardonias could keep his name out of print was by giving conseco five million dollars to help finance a film for a project uh ordonez's agent and the tigers contacted the fbi over the alleged extortion attempt and apparently everybody they didn't end up pressing any charges no they literally were like he's on on The Surreal Life. It's bad enough. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, he's got Bobby Colorado visiting him.

But it's evident that he fucking extorted him. That's amazing. He tried to extort a guy. He said, I'll invest in my film. Right. Which is a weird way to, that's like, that's the most like spoiled brat USC film school student way to fucking do it. He's trying to get points on the back end.

That's what he just did. He's like, I'll cut you. Give me five million. You're an investor. Don't you understand? You're an investor now. I'll make you an executive producer. That's how this works.

You'll have an IMDB pay. Yeah, it's going to work. And now back to the show. And now back to the show. June 2007, Garth Fisher, who's a plastic surgeon on ABC's Extreme Makeover, marries Jessica Canseco. Oh, boy. 50 family members gathered at their Bel Air, California home. Jesus.

It's an intimate black tie ceremony that took place in an orchard overlooking the mountains with view of the city and the Pacific Ocean. Wow. in an orchard overlooking the mountains with view of the city and the pacific ocean wow the flower girls were his two daughters and also conseco's 10 year old daughter josie uh made of honor was the bride's mother blah blah blah blah blah uh following dinner five contortionists from cirque de soleil performed in the pool one in a sphere and four synchronized in the water oh they had cirque de soleil as their fucking wedding entertainment what the fuck so when someone's going band or dj cirque de soleil is not usually an option what about this just and get cirque de soleil in here i've seen the ones where they were they

fucking perform in that orb yeah it's impressive it is and you know that that costs a shitload of money imagine how much it costs to bring it to your house. I can't imagine. Like, to bring the whole thing here. I paid $125 a ticket to see that shit in Vegas. That's what I mean. Imagine what it costs to bring the whole thing to you. $125 grand. More than that, probably. I'll bet you're right. Hall of Fame that year.

There's Hall of Fame voting. Jose's eligible. He's five years removed. He receives six Hall of Fame votes, which is not enough. That accounted for 1.1% of the ballots. Failing, you need to get, you get you know 78 or whatever to get in but you need to get five percent to stay on the ballot another year oh and so it drops off the ballot the only way he can ever be elected now is if he's elected by the committee of veterans later on so he got dropped off there it's over because he's mr steroid

yeah he was the first one to take that hit right uh may 2008 he reveals that he's lost his house in encino california to foreclosure good and says that his two divorces cost him seven and eight million dollars each so 15 million in divorces career fortune so if he made 45 you figure take 10 off for agent manager take that off and then take off whatever for taxes 15 million for these ladies and a bunch of rolls royce's fancy clothes and nightclubs he is bro and you're fucking dead broke man that's how that shit works uh he begins dating leela knight who's a fitness model and wannabe actress whatever the fuck i don't know she's she's too good for hooters though i feel

like uh july 2008 he decides that he is going to fight uh philadelphia sportscaster and former philadelphia eagle wide receiver via sikahima oh my god he claims joseko conseco clay joseko that's his new name uh conseco claims to have earned black belts in kung fu and taekwondo uh while sikahima actually fought in a golden gloves tournament won by sugar Sugar Ray Leonard. So he actually fought. The fight takes place on July 12th in Atlantic City. And Sikahima is, by the way, 5'9". He's a little shit. He is a little guy.

He was a punt returner, for Christ's sake. He knocks out Canseco in the first round. Wow. He's a professional boxer. He was a Golden Gloves boxer. Can you imagine? And Canseco's not a fighter. No.

But he's 6'4". If you're ever a Golden Gloves boxer, you will knock the fuck out of anyone who's not a Golden Gloves boxer who wants to fight you no matter how big they are. You're just going to knock them silly. That's incredible. Especially with gloves on. If they can't tackle you or anything, you're going to just beat them silly. I want to watch that fight. It's out there.

Every fight I talk about is out there. I want to see that fight. He releases his second book, The Vindicated Book, there, an excerpt from the book here on this quote. And here's the thing. Everyone knew nothing happened in the clubhouse that wasn't approved by the ownership from top to bottom. The whole thing was institutionalized. People knew about the bogus B-12 shots and everyone was using them. And you want to know why they were using them?

They were using them because they were afraid of losing their job. It's that simple. Also in this book, which that totally makes sense. Everybody knew it was going on. Think of a fuck. Also in that book, he goes after A-Rod pretty hard. Alex Rodriguez. Really?

He says that he didn't inject Rodriguez, but he introduced Alex to a known supplier of steroids. This was the whole Balco. Yeah, right. He introduced him to those people. He also said that he, quote, hated the bastard Rodriguez because Jesus Christ, this is amazing. They ask why they why he hated him. He says that A-Rod was trying to sleep with Jessica, his wife. Apparently, after Conseco had been nice enough to help him find the steroid supplier, A-Rod

kept calling Conseco's wife. And he actually ends up saying that that he thinks that a rod fucked his wife and then he goes on to say quote so a rod if you're reading this book and if i'm not getting it through to you let's get clear on one thing i hate your fucking guts so not a fan of a rod uh 2008 he's at a book signing in chicago and he fears being poisoned this is what i mean now he thinks he's like the king yeah someone sent a coffee to him a courtesy coffee uh at his vindicated signing and he sent it back claiming that it could be tainted he said quote who made this coffee if you don't know who made it you've got to dump it no way they're going

to get me like there's people out there trying to get him no way they're going to get me i think he's kgb yeah they're all they're gonna get amazing oct. I think he's KGB. Who are they? Yeah, they're going to get him. Amazing. October 10th, 2008, Canseco was detained by immigration officials at the San Diego border crossing as he tried to bring in steroids from Mexico. Jesus, man. He said it was to help with hormone replacement therapy needed due to his use of steroids. He had six vials of human growth hormone, basically, which is illegal without a prescription.

He had 10 syringes. The whole deal, the vials were labeled in Spanish. He didn't have a prescription or any instructions for the use of the drug. His girlfriend, who was in the car at the time, who we'll talk about, who we did talk about, we just said her name here, she was in the vehicle.

She was also detained, had to sign a waiver of consent, and then they also searched his house from there. ICE officials, actually, Immigration Customs Enforcement. Yeah. Oh, boy. Actually searched his house. They released him from custody. Ten agents went through his house.

It's crazy. He said that they were very polite and very pleasant, and there was no ransacking of the place, which is nice. But they did arrive. They offered him coffee like Karen in Goodfellas. Exactly. Exactly. Some of the wives, they spit on their own floor. Why would you do that?

I never understood that. So his lawyer says, quote, we're certainly hopeful he won't be charged with anything. This is an incredibly harmless drug. We're not talking about morphine or cocaine possession. Why he attracted so much attention is a bit of a mystery. Yeah. Because he's huge. Because he's huge because he's

jose can say go he said that he thinks that ice officials had to try and legitimize nine and a half hours of detention so they said if we don't try to stick something to this guy it's going to look really bad also he had illegal drugs crossing the fucking mexican border which is also a fucking issue that you forgot about mentioning in that that's an issue that you're not allowed to do and when you cross the border people go everybody not have any shit on them right everyone does that even if you never have anything on you everybody's cool right we don't want to get thrown in fucking mexican jail wow uh so november 4th 2008 he's in court uh they in the paper they describe it as quote limping slightly saying he's tired depressed and bankrupt. The former slugger pleaded guilty Tuesday to misdemeanor offense of trying to bring a fertility drug across the Mexican border.

That's just the saddest statement. It really is. But I had to get it verbatim from the article. The fertility drug part is the one that fucking really stings at home. Yeah, it's testosterone replacement. He was sentenced to 12 months unsupervised probation, which means nothing. He said to U.S.s magistrate uh judge ruben b brooks said quote i made an honest mistake uh brooks said uh whether to make community

service and drug testing conditions of the sentence the judge judge decided against those stipulations after uh his lawyer said that conseco is dealing with physical difficulties due to his steroid use and is doing his best to turn his life around so the judge went okay fine uh he says conseco said quote it was ignorance on my part is all it was he's just fine uh he says he had a bum knee it was just you know he needed to he was limping he can get one year in prison or a thousand dollar fine he's ordered to pay a 25 special assessment that's all he is out of this uh he sat out there. He said, quote, I didn't realize you needed a prescription. And obviously I'm paying for it. I do have a prescription for it now. I wish I would have gotten it sooner. I wouldn't have gone through all this. What a dipshit. He

says that he was trying to restore his testosterone level. So he went to Tijuana Pharmacy and he says in their own words, quote, I didn't go down there looking for steroids. I needed something to help get my own levels back to normal just to get me to, you know, normal working conditions, I didn't go down there looking for steroids. I needed something to help get my own levels back to normal, just to get me to, you know, normal working conditions, I guess. Well, when you have no testosterone level, you're depressed, you lose muscle mass, no sex drive, no libido, you have nothing. You're kind of like tired and depressed all the time. You just don't want to do anything.

So you're a normal person is what you're getting at. You're a normal 48-year-old man. You're Fred and Philly. You turn into the guy you went after in the yankee bleachers like that's all it is that's it i mean that's you just describe being in your late 40s and 50s the guy that you and your brother knocked the shit out of in a bar room a normal person oh no we can't have that uh he has to uh part of this he had to admit that he had six vials in the syringes and blah, blah, blah, blah. Uh, so anyway, he said, he also plans plans to file bankruptcy soon.

And, uh, he, at this point publicly regret expressed regrets for naming names in his book because in baseball he says that quote, I think when you're kind of blackballed from the baseball world, when he wrote a book against baseball, people really don't want to touch you. They want to kind of stay away from you, especially any sports related genre or industry. They don't want to touch you. They want to kind of stay away from you, especially any sports-related genre or industry. They don't want to touch you, so that's kind of hurt me. 2008, the street in front of his high school is renamed. Here we go.

To his admitted drug use. You didn't think that wasn't going to come back, did you? Is it Balco Avenue? It doesn't say what they renamed. It's probably been renamed five times for whatever good player comes along and then gets bashed back or sterilized. Or the name of the fucking high school.

Maybe just that. Maybe the mascot. Right. 2008, A&E does a documentary on Jose called Jose Canseco Last Shot. Awesome. Nice pun there. Chronicling his attempts to end his steroid use. Doesn't work.

January 24, 2009, he fights radio personality and former child actor danny bonaduce i remember this too this is rock bottom yeah when you're fighting danny bonaduce it's over this should have been where bobby colorado came back again and went in the middle of the ring what the fuck are you doing this fucking it's danny bonaduce what are you doing he's a fucking ginger with an italian last name what are you five foot three you fucking five foot tree well it's five foot tree you fucking oh you mook so uh this ends this goes three whole rounds and ends in a majority draw also in january of 2009 disappointing oh what would you think that was going to be a world-class fight? It's going to be Hagler-Hearns this fight. Also, he joins Twitter in January of 2009. Of course he does.

Oh, boy, is he fun on Twitter. Really? Oh, boy, is he fun on Twitter. Fantastic. He's at Jose Canseco, in case you want to follow. Also, it says on his Twitter, media appearances, bookings, 818-903-6598, Oakland Athletics analyst. My dream is to manage one day in the major leagues. He's an analyst now.

Later on he was, and now he's not anymore because he did something stupid. Where? On Twitter. We'll talk about it. He's a complete idiot. May 26, 2009, he has an actual pro fight, not a celebrity boxing fight. He fights in Yokohama, Japan on the Dream 9 card. He fights Choi Hong-man, who's a four and five career real

professional fighter also a seven foot one 360 pound korean boxer who's a fucking monster whoa he looks he's a monster this person he looks like an easter island statue this fucking guy jose loses by submission from strikes so he just said, fuck this. He's hitting me too much. He's 7'1". And knows how to fight. He's also a professional kickboxer, and Jose is not, in round one. So Jose is 0-1 for his professional fighting career. At this point, November 6, 2009, Jose defeats Todd Poulton in a celebrity boxing bout in Springfield, Massachusetts.

On his break from cleaning pools uh well i got todd but you want to hear about todd polton i do todd polton it's so funny if you read his biography he goes after turning down a hockey scholarship to the club it's like yeah you didn't turn down shit you fucking he he instead wanted to you know be his high school's janitor like no it's bullshit listen to his listen to part of his bio more yeah polton has stepped into the ring with the likes of former major league baseball superstar jose canseco hollywood bad boy dad michael lohan and former wwf wrestling superstar brutus the barber beefcake all the while donating the proceeds from his celebrity fights to local organizations assisting those

suffering from mental illness wow uh yes uh so uh yeah uh december 2010 uh jose launched a twitter campaign i would love to fight michael lohan everybody would i would love that so so far we're fighting michael lohan kurt schilling skip bayless john walsh anybody else that we're gonna have a fucking battle royal with he starts a twitter campaign here jose to try to get theets to invite him to spring training. What? GM Sandy Alderson, his old GM, to try to get him to spring training. You're like 50, dude.

It's ridiculous. You're 46. You're not getting invited to spring training. March 4, 2010, he tweets, $1,000 per day. We can do anything if interested. Spend a day with Jose. Email me at jc7264 at yahoo.com. Wow, he's got a Yahoo address?

He's given out his Yahoo address for $1,000 a day. We can do anything. Hang out with Jose. He's doing that again, March. It's fucking amazing. He added shortly afterwards, after everyone started making fun of him, that the $1,000 a day, all the money would be going to charity. Yeah.

And he also took back his email address on the thing. But we got his email address. Let's delete that fucking tweet. So, 2010. Jesus. August 14, 2010, he signs with the Laredo Broncos of the United Baseball League. Oh, my God. He serves as the bench coach and designated hitter.

Yeah. He hits.385 with four home runs in 11 games. Wow. Because he's playing against, you know. Fucking 12-year-olds. united baseball league he serves as the bench coach and designated hitter yeah he hits 385 with four home runs in 11 games he's playing against you know fucking 12 year old guys who do car detailing on the weekends uh so uh march 11th march 2011 he's playing little league yeah he's playing like you know guys it's like beer league softball guys and we'll play that ridiculous uh he uh he's a contestant on the celebrity apprentice oh my god he quits the show uh citing his father's health and that he's a moron he said i'm sorry i'm a dullard and i don't know what's happening i don't know fuck about business uh but

his father did die shortly after he left the show and cose did earn 25 000 for his charity the baseball assistance team 2011 april 11th uh conseco signs a deal to be a player manager for the Yuma Scorpions, the North American League. If he has to spend five minutes in Yuma, he's fallen way too far. This was after he joined the Quintana Roo Tigers of the Mexican League, but then was banned for using testosterone. He got banned from the mexican kicked out of mexico where he went to go get illegal testosterone man he did play in 64 games

with yuma hit 256 with eight home runs uh may 2011 he has a celebrity boxing match okay uh well uh sort of has a celebrity boxing match he's supposed to have a celebrity boxing match and he says he had a celebrity boxing match but he didn't have a celebrity boxing boxing match what he did is there's a promoter named damon feldman uh what jose did was jose sent his twin brother ozzy in his place to say it was him pretended to be jose uh the feldman guy who ran the show called it a bait and switch and said he's disgusted uh he said that fans were able to point out that it was an imposter due to the difference in their fucking tattoos. Right.

Because, you know, you're not the same fucking person, moron. Because you've got Aussie tattoos across your shoulder blades. Jesus fucking Christ. Feldman says he paid Jose $5,000 leading up to the fight, and it was to pay him another $5,000 upon arrival, and then there was a disagreement. Feldman says, quote, the guy i thought was jose kept asking me to pay him in cash before the fight i told him i had to pay him by check for business reasons he said he needed cash we went back and forth uh ozzy who subbed for by the way jose would send ozzy to autograph signings in the past are you shitting me yeah he's his uh you know uh joe

estevez martin sheen's brother go do my fucking ADR for me after that. Clean that movie up for me. He says that he never fought in his brother's place, and they end up having to receive a police escort out of the place. Jose then starts tweeting about the Damon guy. Be very careful with Damon Feldman who runs Celebrity Boxing. He will not pay you if you fight for him or if you send your brother, if you send family members who look like you to fight for you uh yeah feldman said quote i've worked with him before except now i've got to look back at the pictures at the time i at the time and see if i've ever really met jose can say now he's like

has he ever actually fought for me what the fuck do i know that guy yeah it's so fucking weird man so feldman by the way a month before this uh uh pled no contest to charges of fixing fights and promoting without a license and was on two years probation while this was he's a scumbag too yeah uh later in this year 2011 his girlfriend leila files a temporary restraining order against him after he posted derogatory tweets about her oh good christ 2012 he files for chapter seven bankruptcy in nevada uh reporting less than 21 000 in assets and almost $1.7 million in liabilities. Holy shit. Including half a million owed to the IRS.

He listed a post office box as his address. Wow. So not good. March 10, 2012, he tweets, I'm going to play this year. No, you're not. The next day he says, is a tryout too much to ask for? It is. It is.

Yeah. So he does an interview at this point with the Toronto Star saying he'd play with the Blue Jays for free. Good for you. I'm sure a lot of people would. Jesus Christ. April 2012, a reporter spends two days with him. He's a complete asshole. It's a female reporter.

And the first day he's with her, he hears and said uh asks her to make an orgasm noise and says i'd like to record you making an orgasm right noise as a ringtone who wouldn't want to hear that oh my god you can't do that you can't say that so uh yeah he it's fucking nuts here he he people think he's rich and he's trying to say he's not rich. He rents a five bedroom, 5,000 square foot home in a gated community for $2,800 a month. He leases a Cadillac. He says when he goes to the casino, he'll get valet parking. He tries to look like he still has a lot of money, but he doesn't. He says he only makes his money through celebrity work and describes it as feast or famine. He said he doesn't know how much he's going to make this

year. He says he's comfortable for a regular person which i don't know what that means uh he says uh he says uh uh he promised uh he promises basically he asked if this person who's taking him out has an expense account yeah and he's like i hope you do i'm bringing lobster home in my pockets so he's turned into like some weird buffet lady who's stuffing her purse with buns. April 2012, he plays for the Worcester Tornadoes of the Canadian American Association of Professional Baseball. He signs a one-year contract there for $1,000 a month. Whoa. Not bad. June 28, 2012, his ex-wife is on TV talking about his nutsack.

So that's something you want. Is it the seams? That's what you want. Is it the baseball seams? That's what you want. Is it the baseball seams? That's what I was telling you. They're on there. Hollywood X's, his ex-wife Jessica said that first she told Nicole Murphy, whoever that is, that Jose had fallen on hard times and she was thinking about letting him move back

in with her. He said, quote, I would feel bad as a person if I turn my back on him because he's family and he's the father of my kid. And then he went on to talk. She went on to talk about his nutsack and saying, Jesus Christ, man, saying Jose doesn't have saggy balls because he took steroids and it was like shrinked them up. They were so tight.

He went on to say, I was like, your walnuts have turned into one peanut. Okay. Unbelievable. So that's not what you want your ex-wife saying on television. That's not great at all here. If you hear hiccups's jimmy hiccuping in the background i cannot help like soda pop in so hard mike tyson punch out game i mean jesus christ now i feel bad for him out there fucking getting his you don't need your ex-wife talking about your nutsack nobody's nobody's exes should be on on tv talking about their genitalia in any way shape or form let's just

say that but she's also earned it because he did beat the shit out of her. Right. And he fucking bashed into the other wife. And holy, what a fucking mess. Unbelievable. He's lied to everyone. He's made a dick out of people.

I don't mind him calling out the baseball players. That I don't mind. I like that. I like that. That's kind of good. I hate hypocrisy. So say, yeah, I'm fucking, I'd write it plenty.

I love it. That's fine. Do it. I like that. But Jesus jesus christ so much bullshit poor guys in a nightclub i feel bad for all these people jimmy i feel bad but not nearly not nearly as bad as i feel for jose conseco a controller de uh generacia central de pesca i mean uh i don't know what that is but it's peru renewables and environment in peru uh jose canseco leadership and transformation uh new realty new organizations new approach it says head of leadership and transformation at hudson ceo and founder at books uh food and tapas uh whatever the fuck that is he's the ceo he's the ceo of. Jose Canseco, CEO at Pure Water Technology.

Oh, my God. In Mexico, which is pretty funny here. Jose Canseco, finally, a domestic short-haired black cat that's up for adoption in Dallas, Texas, named Jose Canseco. He's very cute. His adoptions are up to date. He's been neutered. He's 10 years old, but old cats need love, too. So he'll snuggle up on your lap.

He's a cutie. If you're in the Dallas area, adopt Jose Canseco. Don't take it out on him that his previous owner was a dipshit and named him something stupid. Margaret's going to adopt that cat. Not her fault. So beginning of August 2012, Canseco leaves the Tornadoes due to concerns of not receiving a salary. He ends up saying he's going to sue the team over that yeah uh he signs with the rio grande valley white wings however uh he had a family emergency and doesn't end up doing anything there uh 2012 he campaigns to become the mayor of

toronto like a fucking idiot what uh he's a complete because of that fucking that is it the meth head uh well yeah the, the Rob Ford guy. But he was just like, whatever, I'm going to run for this. He thought it'd be fun. He lived there for a while. Problem is, he's not permitted to become a mayor of a Canadian city because he's not a Canadian citizen. And his slogan was, quote, yes, we can say go. I swear to God.

Yes, we can say go. Get the fuck out of here. It was 2008. Yes, we can. Oh, boy. Barack Obama, he took it and said, yes, we can say go. I swear to God. Yes, we can say go. Get the fuck out of here. It was 2008. Yes, we can. Oh, boy. Barack Obama, he took it and said, yes, we can say go. I liked him right up until right now. This is what did it?

This is what did it. Not bashing into his wife's car twice. That didn't get it. Slapping his other wife around. March 4, 2013, he comes to Capitol Hill to support legislative efforts to ban DMAA, which is a compound found in dietary supplements. He says, quote, you have to be careful what you put into your body. I tested a lot of the supplements.

Most of them don't work. Jesus Christ. This is a man who was kicked out of the Mexican leagues for steroids. I've tested everything. I've jammed everything you could jam into my veins. And I got to tell you, only the good shit works. That's the thing about steroids, though. Why do these guys keep taking them because they fucking work right they work that's why people do drugs because they work in any drug that's why they do them why is somebody

hooked on fucking oxycontin because they work it does it because it fucking does something yeah it's whatever it is uh so may through 2013 jose provides the forward to the novel air force gator 2 scales of justice by dan reichert i don't know what the fuck he's doing there uh i don't understand that he claims in the forward that the book about the alcoholic alligator pilot is a weakly veiled metaphor for his own life unbelievable i don't fucking know what that means at all. It's crazy. May 22nd, 2013, he is the person of interest in a sexual assault in Las Vegas.

No. He's been accused of rape by a fitness model. So Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department issued a statement saying they're currently investigating the case and that Jose Canseco has been named as the suspect in the investigation. No charges have been filed and they say that their investigation remains ongoing.

They said that Canseco has agreed to talk to them, the police. In the meantime, Canseco takes to Twitter to both profess his innocence and also call out his accuser by name. Yes. name yes uh he says uh in these uh he included the name and workplace of this woman uh he said quote uh let's play truth or dare i dare her name i won't say it uh to tell the truth the whole deal uh yeah he tweeted pictures of her her uh the phone number of her uh everything like he tweeted out her all of her personal information to half a million followers that he has by the way uh yeah now june 2013 they say that there's no charges that will be filed against him uh police come out and say that they uh that they uh will not file charges against him

in the rape case uh they said that they closed the sexual assault case with a decision not to see criminal charges uh he says he's considering suing jose it's like calm down chief they said you're off the hook not fucking innocent they just said that there's they're not pressing charges right there's a difference they didn't say this woman's a liar and has been put in a loony bin because of her crazy accusations and jose is no they just said we don't have enough so never mind uh he denies the assault here. He says he's adamant about that. He did two things he's adamant about. Yeah, I didn't rape that woman.

And I want to fight Shaquille O'Neal. Those are two things that he really wants to do with his life. He said, I will fight you anytime. And Shaquille will not commit. We've been trying to get him to commit for the last couple of years. The man has a big mouth. He will not commit. He will not step in that ring because he's because I guess Shaq was talking shit about him on television. The man has a big mouth. He will not commit. He will not step in that ring.

Because I guess Shaq was talking shit about him on television. But there's a difference. Shaq still has a whole bunch of money. That's why he doesn't have to get in the ring and fight celebrities. Shaq's still on TV. He doesn't have to fight Danny Bonaduce. He makes millions of dollars every year. He still has endorsements, for Christ's sake. Shaq does fine.

He's never even met Peppa. He's fun. No. If he has, it was to turn down her sexual advances because he likes a different type of woman who knows because he's shack and he can do that uh now i uh jose said quote i would probably try to take out his knees from the beginning because but he can't punch he can't really move we definitely we definitely not go to the ground okay uh 2013 he signs with the fort worth cats of the united baseball league he plays in six games and hits 238

with one home run damn it uh november 22nd 2013 he's pulled over and you'll never guess what he's has in possession uh gun i'll give you one hint uh it's not illegal, but it's crazy. A penis fall? You're never going to guess. No, he gets pulled over with goats wearing diapers in his car. What? He has a car full of goats wearing diapers. There are pictures of the goats. I wish this was a live show, because everything I've described to you, there's fucking photographs

of everything. Everything I've described to you, including goats and diapers. What is he doing? He said that the goats, he got the goats and diapers what is he doing he said that the goats he got the goats on the internet and he went out to buy them and bring them home to join what he refers to as his zoo of four dogs and all his tortoises he said that him and his uh layla here wanted the animals to act in place of children until he has his own uh he was stopped two hours after buying them and he still had them in the car for some reason uh yes he is insane and uh yes so they're fainting goats that he bought for his wife

uh august 8th 2014 he appears in the in the film piranha sharks as himself uh it's a stars a bunch of very sad people who are very disappointed where their career is going so that's that's who's in that october 28th 2014 he is cleaning a handgun a 45 caliber remington handgun and blows his finger off you bet he's a fucking idiot yeah he shoots himself in the middle finger on his left hand when he was cleaning the handgun didn't realize it was loaded wow because he's a moron uh his neighbor said quote i just heard some sirens and walked outside saw a couple of ambulances and then the cops started coming in yeah so Jesus

he doesn't lose his finger but he shoots part of it off and he tweets about it that it fell off during a poker game trying to be funny yes November 2014 his fiancee Layla Knight says that it's off everything's off he wants she wants nothing more to do with him because he verbally

abused her including made making death threats that he would kill her and her mother my which is not what you want to do is that where his life is she said quote he's got he got into an argument with my mom when he called her i've never seen him so upset in my life my mom went off on him about a lot of different things he's done to me he went absolutely ballistic i've never seen him to be so aggressive i was just trying to keep myself in the guest room he kept coming in and getting in my face he started saying i'm going to kill you i'm going to kill your mom uh he said that about 20 times i got fucking scared i didn't know what to do i didn't know what i was going to do next i locked the room that he

was in i tried to get him i tried to get it he tried to get in from all other doors he was basically breaking down the doors. I locked myself in the bathroom and I called the police. He was threatening my life. I've never been scared of him before until then. Fucking incredible. Yes. So the cops came.

Officers responded and determined that no crime had occurred because nothing happened yet. They were there to make sure that the situation didn't escalate was the thing. Layla here said that this was the final straw and uh was tired of this whole thing she said this was the final straw this was a fight over the fact that he recently agreed to be a pitch man for quote one of those really sleazy late night commercials for hooking up with asian singles awesome that's what he said he's that is awesome so she's like i don't think so uh quote i don't think any girl would be okay with that hey i'm jose you like asians you like flat chest i got just i'm into that shit too uh she said i don't think any girl would be okay with that

he's been showing his true colors lately uh he tweets in response he's showing his desperate for money colors yeah that's what it is. What are you talking about, Layla? He tweets in response, sadly, we live in a society of liars and extortion, but a polygraph never lies. I challenge my ex, Layla, to a polygraph. Everything he does, he says that. He says that it's all extortion and he wants polygraphs all the time. Layla says, after he talked to my mom, he was saying horrible things about her, and that alone makes me have no desire to have anything to do with him after all those threats i'm scared to be around him he's trying to make me look crazy but the only thing that made me a little crazy is him

after this so they're done that's fucking over done obviously uh january 6 2015 they're back together she he is seen out with her in Hollywood. They're officially back together, and the engagement is back on. So, yeah, like it never happened. So then he goes to play with the Sonoma Stompers of the Pacific Association. He's still playing baseball. He's 51 at this point. Kits 250 with one home run.

May 31, 2015, his 18-year-old daughter, Josie, was arrested for DUI. Awesome. In Hollywood at 1 a.m. My lady. Yes. She hit a curb and subsequently failed a field sobriety test. She's booked at 6.15 a.m. and was still in jail on $15,000 bail because Jose probably can't afford to fucking bail her out.

She was under the influence of drugs, not alcohol. Layla Knight released a statement saying jose is trying to figure out what the substance was uh he said that uh uh his daughters he gives his daughter money but considers her on her own other than that in other words it's not my fault the fuck did i don't blame this shit on me jesus christ i'm a great father i'm terrific i've done a wonderful job obviously uh he then goes to sign with the pittsburgh diamonds of the pacific association he says i want to be part of pittsburgh part of the community this is pittsburgh california by the way i'm i'm out in the community i'm in the restaurants i'm out this is a part of that i

have a house in las vegas and i had one in blackhawk with the a's but that's very very long ago uh he hits 167 in six games with no home runs he tweets on december 10th 2015 quote by my calculations if we nuked the polar ice caps on mars we would make an ocean of 36 feet deep across the whole planet my calculations are baseballs are white and i like ham and he adjusts his glasses he had what is he doing he doing? He heard something on some science documentary and tweeted it like it was a thought that he had. By my calculations. He has never calculated anything

except how much fucking steroids to put into his body, how much testosterone he needs. He's got a blackboard and chalk in his bedroom. Jesus, by my calculations. I'm adjusting his glasses. Fuck you, beakers everywhere. August 10th, 2016, a hotel manager calls police at 3.30 a.m.

reporting that a video camera was showing a possible burglary in process in a car. It turns out it's Jose Canseco's vehicle. This is Sergio Verduccio and Richard Lewis of Pittsburgh. They both had outstanding arrest warrants, and they were robbing his car. They stole bats out of his vehicle. Police knock on the door of Canseco's room and asked him to go identify the bats. It was six bats. They were 34-ounce bats.

Each bat's about $140 retail. And so, yeah, he said some of his bats have been sold at auction between $500 and $1,000. But those are bats that he used in real baseball games. Canseco said he was very impressed with the Pittsburgh police. He would thank them on his Twitter page and everything. One of his few non-crazy tweets that he made right there. Want to hear crazy? August 16, 2016.

There is a goddamn article in the Wall Street Journal. Wall Street Journal now. This is two years ago less than two years ago the financial paper of record here uh details how in this article how actual stockbrokers and financial advisors are taking advice from jose canseco uh quote i remember thinking at the time he was kind of bang on with what was happening one financial advisor interviewed said jose canseco is schooling us all right now uh yeah according to this he developed a cult following for his contrarian but often accurate global finance predictions his calculations he's

correctly predicted a rally in gold when many analysts were bearish anticipated uk voting to leave the european union and called the Union and called the subsequent economic downturn after Brexit came to pass. Wow. What the fuck? One guy said he's either honed up on his finance skills or he has a ghost rider. It definitely has an odor behind it. He's taking credit for somebody else's shit. Yeah.

His manager says not many know how smart he actually is why is he always broke then why are you broke and bankrupt and everything else if you can just fucking predict what's gonna happen in global markets you fucking idiot he hits 143 that year also so hopefully he's better at stock picking than he isn't hitting at this point uh yes he also uh this is this is great too uh he, he's, he, November 10th, 2016, right after the election, he paints Donald Trump as a dragon. Oh my God. And it doesn't look like Donald Trump.

It's just a dragon, but kind of has like some blonde hair on it. He paints him as a dragon and, uh, tries it's done. It's called Donald Trump as a wise dragon. And he offers to sell it to the white house. He says, quote, quote hey at white house this is what he tweets i'll donate my donald trump as well as a wise dragon painting to hang in the oval office if you sell prints in your gift shop at 80 20 to me holy shit he's making twitter pitches to the white house i'm selling merch hey white house here's the best way to get

a hold of donald trump that's what then he, it's true. He's not even adding him, though. He's adding the White House. Hey, White House, here are some pics. It will look great in the West Wing and should be a hot seller in your gift shop. DM me. White House. Slide into my DMs. June 15th, 2017, he re-signs with Pittsburgh.

He plays in one game and nothing happens. March 23rd, 2017, he appears in Slamma Jamma, which is a film as himself. A wrongfully accused and sent to prison, a former basketball star prepares for the National Slam Dunk competition while finding redemption in himself

and those he loves. That sounds fucking terrible. March 27, 2017, NBC Sports California announces they've hired Canseco as an analyst for their Oakland A's pregame and postgame shows. Great call. He's happy about that. November 29, 2017, he's not happy. He tweets out, quote, I cannot believe David Ortiz, a.k.a. Big Poppy, did not invite me to play golf in his tournament this weekend.

I'm one of the longest drivers in the world at 50 and over, and I'm one of the best golfers. I could have helped him out with his charity. Does MLB still hold grudges against me? What the fuck? He's like, huh? I don't know you. That's why. What the fuck are you talking about?

December 2017, he tweets, quote, these women complaining against sexual misconduct are just racist against ugly men. Then he goes on to say, what is going on with all these politicians molesting women i've been molested by several women and never complained he goes on to say well i mean i've been beaten by women and taken advantage of by women and molested by women i would never complain but it was kind of a turn on i see the difference i guess because i was a good looking guy and these politicians look like a bag of boogers oh my god then you can't say that then he said quote these women complaining against uh the the sexual uh racist against ugly guys uh and then he said what do you call a pretty woman with an inbred looking politician paid uh yes this pissed a shitload

of people off i can imagine uh yeah he has 509,000 followers. He follows 507 people. He's tweeted 11.8 thousand times. So December 13th, 2017, NBC Sports California severs ties with Jose Canseco as a pre- and post-game analyst for the Oakland A's. Quote, Jose Canseco is no longer an employee with NBC Sports California. We certainly don't agree with his comments, which do not reflect the values of our network or our team partner. You don't get to comment on rape and fucking sexual misconduct. He says, quote, if people can't take a joke, that's ridiculous.

A joke? What I'm saying really has no meaning. Those tweets don't even make sense. They're a bunch of riddles. Like everything else in my life. I don't even make sense. How can you be mad at me that's what he says uh he says what company people should do be more worried about

is what the president of the united states is doing not me i'm just a simple guy trying to pay my bills don't worry about what i'm saying worry about who's running the country the guy you're painting dragon pictures of right uh i don't think he meant him i think he just meant i think he just meant in general worry about what important people are doing i I'm Jose Canseco. But he's hawking a dragon picture to the guy. He is. Now, February 7th, 2018, this is recently, he is returning to professional baseball with the normal Corn Belters. Jesus.

Designated hitter for a three-game series. He'll suit up against the Florence Freedom from June 29thune 20th 29 30th and july 1st at the corn crib field uh they the team said quote we're excited about it we contacted the freedom and they love the idea they said it should be a lot of fun i'm glad they were some open minds to do that holy shit can't get enough of cose can say go you can buy either one of his books juiced or vindicated you can buy tons and tons of autographs pictures on Amazon go to eBay go everywhere you can buy juicy confessions of a former baseball wife hardcover is 2138 or you can go to archive.org and sign up for a free thing and you can get a

PDF of it and read it like I did great which is wonderful because I was not paying for that shit you can follow him on Twitter he just recently tweeted several lines out, followed by several poetic lines, followed by, quote, T.S. Eliot always puts a big lump in my throat. Like he's a fucking intellectual now. He reads T.S. Eliot. Shut up.

Yeah. Shut up. I'm going for that ghostwriter thing. Yeah. Really can't get enough of Jose Canseco? Yeah. Allamericanspeakers.com. You can book Jose Canseco to speak.com you can book jose can say go

to speak booking fee range ten to twenty thousand dollars right contact him there that is jose can say go wow holy shit what a goddamn disaster you don't get any more of a fucking mess i can't believe he's broke he's broke he's a mess he's just living day to day uh he's a complete disaster if you like that story uh please get on itunes give us five stars tell us how you feel uh just say you're following instructions following directions please it helps us because i'm starting this is crushing my soul guys yeah we love this show yeah we love crime and sports this is our like our first and most passionate love we really love we love small town murder but this show is our heart and it kills us that it has

like a third of the audience of small town murder bananas it's literally not worth the fucking work that it is it's one of those things where it's like i don't even know how to describe it it's like having like an old car in the driveway that you keep fucking i'm gonna keep working on because you love it you love it and you love it and you love it but it's just not getting any better you put the fucking brake pads on it and then something else blows out and you put that on it and then the fucking carburetor goes and that's what it is with this goddamn show and it's driving me fucking crazy and it drives me crazy that we have more of you hearing this right now because this is a famous person and i get it that you don't do that but fuck man it's so much more effort to do these non-famous people and find

them and those are such better stories and so what we're saying is please tell your friends try to get people to listen to this fucking show more because honestly man it's crushing my soul right now fun to do but we love it yeah we need it to be something else but we just thank you guys for your support anyway whoever's listening now it's not your fault you're the ones listening so thank you so so much uh give us those itunes reviews if you want to do more you can go to patreon.com slash crime and sports or go to PayPal and use our email address, crime and sports at gmail.com to make a one-time donation. And those are insanely appreciate.

Honestly, guys, you keep this whole thing going. And that's the only reason why we still do the show. Honestly, if it wasn't for the donations, I would say, fuck this fucking show. I don't have time for this shit. Let's do small town murder only because that's what gets us whatever. But people love the show and they donate to the show and we can't take it away from them ever right they're so fucking nice to us so thank you guys for being so nice to us

we really appreciate it so many of you and here is a list of all of the most amazing people in the world jimmy hit us with that list right now firstly thank you so so much uh executive producers this week are michelle hayes megan smith uh marianne stump and sarah gilbo thank you so, so much. Executive producers this week are Michelle Hayes, Megan Smith, Marianne Stumpf, and Sarah Gilbo. Thank you guys incredibly. You guys are fucking amazing. Thank you for doing what you do for us. We can't do it without you. We really can't.

Happy birthday to Jesse Rose over in Alabama. Happy birthday. I believe is where they're at. Is it Alabama? I don't know. I'm not sure. It might be Alabama. Happy birthday to you.

Yeah. Anyway, Mark June Wells. Mark June Wells. He sent us fucking gold. That was incredible. That was incredible. Happy birthday to you. Yeah. Anyway, Mark June Wells. Mark June Wells. He sent us fucking gold. That was so cool. Thank you for that. That's so awesome. Thank you so much.

And I liked your envelopes, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fucking great. That guy's amazing. Good job. Thanks, dude. We appreciate the fuck out of it. Max Joshua, Victoria Jackman, Lindsay Watson, Jake LaBeer, Anida Paolo, Cynthia Mixer, Erica

Green, Ted Cyrus, Dolce Thompson. That's it. Andrea Jones, Michael Malone, Deborah McMahon. McMahon. McMahon. It's not an O. It's an A. McMahon. I don't know. It's McMahon.

It's McMahon for sure. Jessica Pilkington, Julie Ritchie or Ritchie. I'm not sure which. R-I-C-C-I? Yes. Ritchie. It could be Ritchton uh julie ritchie or reesey i'm not sure which r-i-c-c-i yes richie it could be ritchie it's richie i don't know i know i know several people with that last name it's all rich they could pronounce it different but i'm questioning an italian italian it's richie right christina richie liverbeards i don't know if that's a podcast or if it's a product uh google it and find out uh stacy o'sullivan um michelle kissell michelle kissell michelle i'm not sure which that is thank you michelle thank you michelle

adam gonzalez katherine logan jenny neighbors derrick pearson under the sea fabrics again thank you so much uh vivian asimus uh asimus uh asimos asomos asomos yeah we're trying not to be immature i'm trying my best it's got ass in there it's really hard we're sorry thank you stacy Seamus Asamos. Asomos. Asomos, yeah. I'm not sure. We're trying not to be immature here. I'm trying my best. It's got ass in there. It's really hard. We're sorry. Thank you.

Stacey Huffaker. Colin McHugh sent like 60 fucking bananas. Yeah, thank you. That was so cool. My phone kept going ridiculous. What is going on here? Thank you, Colin. Yeah.

Allison Solomon. Paul Roost. Yeah, great. Thanks for all the memes, man. Thank you so much. Killing it on that shit. Abigail, great. Thanks for all the memes, man. Thank you so much. Killing it on that shit. Abigail Gonder, Candace Horner, Erica Hayashida. Yes.

Lori Collins, Carter Harris, Ruben Salas, Michael Kennedy. Every time I see him, don't know. Yeah, I know. It bugs us both out. I want to punch the... I remember a guy that I fucking loathe. Marcus Rippentrop, Jesse Hartman, Tammy Blum, TDS Tuning Innovations. If you got a car that needs some tuning, call them up.

Hey, let them tune you up. Scott Flory, Janet Holm, Marissa Wells. She donates fucking constantly. She's great. Thank you so much. Thank you, Marissa. fucking great thank you thank you uh these two it's clearly fucking with me because the the the amount of of dots and and and the the characters are i'm gonna try i'm gonna do my best you ready oh my god here it is uh hilder run sigurdin uh kieran no it's not right uh sigur siguradotir

uh hilder run siguradotir kavarin i don't know you're just making fucking noises man you have no idea what you're saying you're literally just looking at letters and doing my best sigar and here's the second one uh sigar breed fjord uh pjortsten i bet i nailed that one yeah Yeah. I bet I did. Breedfjord. What the fuck? I don't know what that means. Why would you do that to me? I don't know what I'm doing.

Sherry Rice, Esonzo, Zell Nelson, Kathleen Marquardt, Cynthia Lapham. It's Lapham or Lapham. Lapham. Probably. Dane Marichich. Dane Marichich. Dane Marichich. I think that's right. Mary Joran Brock.

Angela Shaw. Shane Slocum. No. Really? Slocum? No. I can't do that. We are 12.

It's Slocum, right? It's probably Slocum. I've known a bunch of Slocums. It can't be Slocum. He's a baseball player. Heathcliff Slocum. Jessica Hartke. Victoria Z't be Sloughum. Baseball player, Heathcliff Sloughum. Jessica Hartke, Victoria Zeller, Jessica

Gaither, Athena with no last name. Thank you. And by the way, she sent us some gift cards. Not gift cards, fucking note cards. Thank you. Note cards and pens. Thank you, Athena. Nancy Hebert, Kelsey's mom. Melissa Schmaltz, Molly Hickman. Hickman. Molly Hickman.

She's up there in fucking portland somewhere up there she's coming to see the portland awesome thank you molly that portland show is sold out yeah fucking great love it can't wait uh celia forbes lindy uh simmons michael rogers annette freeze vivian asimos that's another asimos right jesus yeah there's two asses yeah yeah and there's so many mostes. The most asses. Ass of most. Belinda. I don't fucking. I'm doing my best.

You're doing great. I'm trying so hard. You're doing great. Belinda Botel. Chrissy Perry. No, Chris Perry. Not Chrissy. God damn it. That's not a girl.

It's Chris. It's Chris Perry. It's a dude's name. Heather Latcherite. Michael L. Amanda Short. Fiona Grace Barnes. Dorothy Benson.

Lissa Rose. Stephanie Davison. Joanne Mullins, Linda with no last name, Alyssa or Eliza or Eliza or Liza. That's all of them. It's all of them. I fucking nailed it. Heather Latcher, right? I've already said that name, I believe. Probably.

Yeah, I did. Lisa, Jessica Nottingham. It's probably Nottingham, right? You can go either way on that one. Nottingham. We're going with that. We'll go there. Olivia Herman. Thomas W. Karnick.

Wilbur Eagleston. Ross Hughes. Justin Ryan. Candice Fitzpatrick. Michelle Gerber-Anderson. Ray Stora. Jennifer M. Faust. Rissa K.

Or is that Rissa R.? Fuck. I'm a terrible writer. Melissa Silsby. She's been donating for a while thank you so much melissa appreciate you noelle kingman no it's king well fuck noelle kingwell otter mcmurder squid what fucking what lucy smith patrick poetress a poet poetress yes uh charisma jay henderson kelly boiner um amanda windsor cory luthan dongs no it's donges yes donges right so alexander elrod sarah huskins uh emily rippenhoff ripping off yes

and then lauren odom you guys are fucking amazing thank you so so much thank you so much to the entire list of hastily prepared people uh written quickly in jimmy's car we appreciate, so much. Thank you so much to the entire list of hastily prepared people written quickly in Jimmy's car. We appreciate that so much through Scratchy Handwriting. He finds your names and he digs them out. Thank you guys, honestly, for everything you do. We can't do the show without you. You're literally the reason why crime and sports exist today. You're literally the reason.

So thank you guys so, so much. Really, we love you to death. We're going to keep loving you to death. What if one of these people wanted to love you to death? How would they find you to do so? You can find me at WismanSucks, W-H-I-S-M-A-N sucks on Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat. I appreciate everything you guys send to me. Thank you so, so much.

What about you? And I am at JimmyPIsFunny. You can find me there or copy and paste my last name from the show description. Don't be a hero because even a podcast tried that last week that I was on, and even they messed it up. And I don't blame them, because it's horrible. Just copy and paste it, guys. It's much easier.

That said, we'll keep coming back and keep coming back, because goddammit, there's more Jose Canseco's out there, live from the Crime and Sports Studios. We will see you next week. Bye! studios. We will see you next week. Bye. Hey, Prime members, you can listen to Crime and Sports early and ad-free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today, or you can listen early and ad- free with Wondery Plus and Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondery.com slash survey.