Crime in Sports - #86 - Immensely Naked Mistakes - The Forcefulness of Ruben Patterson

Episode Date: September 26, 2017

This week, we wade into aggressive, and dangerous waters, with a man who simply could not wait to blow every chance he was given, and do more, and worse things wrong. He worked hard to get himself out of a bad situation, only to put himself, and others in an even worse situation. His crimes are incomprehensible. His responses are downright infuriating. He's a mean drunk, and he's not afraid to use violence to get his point across. Those ingredients make for an awful human being, but a great Crime In Sports cocktail!!Steal things that are free, punch anyone in your path, and never, ever take "no" for an answer with Ruben Patterson!!Check us out, every Tuesday. We will continue to bring you the biggest idiots in sports history!Hosted by James Pietragallo & Jimmie WhismanDonate at...patreon.com/crimeinsports or with paypal.com using our email: [e-mail] out or site: truecrimecomedyteam.comAll web support by Web and Writerwebandwriter.com or Facebook.com/webandwriterContact us on...twitter.com/[e-mail]/Crimeinsportsinstagram.com/crimeinsports   See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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strange, dark, and mysterious stories on Amazon Music or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello, and welcome to Crime and Sports. Yay! Oh, Jimmy, right on target with the yay. My name is James Petrigallo. I'm here with my co-host. I'm Jimmy Wissman. Wow, we could not be more excited for today.

We've had so much fun lately doing this show. Incredible. And Small Town Murder, which is our other show, which you should be listening to. This one is going to be extra fun. It's just one of those ones where it's just the crimes are, sometimes they do everything at once. He spaced them out.

So he's such a courteous guy. This guy, he spaced the crimes out. It's almost like if you were writing a story, you'd be like, I don't need a crime beat right here. And he's got it right there for me. He's like, James is going to need to research this later. I want to make it easy as possible for him. It's beautiful. We hope you enjoyed last week.

Obviously, we had a great time last week with all that nuttiness. He missed the fucking Super Bowl. He missed the Super Bowl. He took a bullet to the lung and heart. He's our first crime and sports athlete to be shot by the police. And survive. And survive. We actually had someone be shot by the police, but it was an athlete's father, if you remember.

That's right. Brian Spinner Spencer's story, which you should listen to, by the way. I think it's episode 41, I think. You better play my boy's fucking hockey game. Wow. Yeah, that was crazy. But we hope you enjoyed that. What a crazy time.

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that you've done for us this week, and especially brutalizing those people on Twitter who absolutely deserved it, trying to steal our shit. This is my favorite part of the week. Fucking dare they. Unbelievable. How dare they?

I wanted to... And the thing is that everything's under like just goofy – there's no person to really hate. But I have a phone number and I have an address and I have a name and I'm going to call him myself and we'll exchange words. Yeah. And you can email us if you'd like that phone number and that name. Yeah.

You can have that. We'll try it too. Yeah. We'll happily give it to you. For sure. And you guys can break their balls too. But yeah, let's get into this show here. Let's do it.

Let's do it this week because we have a crazy-ass story. Okay. It's just a lot of fun. Let's talk about Reuben Patterson. Who the hell is that? You don't remember Reuben Patterson? No. Reuben Nathaniel Patterson, NBA player in the late 90s, early 2000s.

No? Yeah. You'd know him if you saw him. I think he's one of those guys, and he's a crazy bastard. Who are you playing for? A bunch of teams. We'll talk about it. That's my kind of guy.

It would be one where you would guess 12 teams, and none of them would be the team. Like the Raptors? This one? The Hornets? No, no, no. God damn it. He's born in Cleveland, Ohio. Oh.

July 31st, 1975. Old Reuben Patterson here. Does not grow up in a great environment. Shocker. Because a lot of our people, most of our people just raised in the top tier. Firstly, he's dealt with the shithand of Cleveland. First of all, you're from Cleveland. So that's a problem right away.

You're going to have that be an issue. And it's even worse when you're from Cleveland and your parents have drug addiction problems. Oh, Christ. And your father is in parents have drug addiction problems. Oh, Chris. And your father is in and out of prison constantly. Oh, sweet Pete. And never around when he's not in prison. Completely fucked. That's worse than, yeah, that's the only thing worse than being in Cleveland, I think, would

be having that upbringing. To live in that house. To live in that house. In that city. God, that's terrible. Can you imagine? Oh, dad's in prison again? Well, I guess it's better than living in Cleveland.

Sure. Shit, we live in Cleveland? Fuck. He's just doing it to get out of Cleveland, Mom. You know that shit. You know I guess it's better than living in Cleveland. Sure. Shit, we live in Cleveland? Fuck. He's just doing it to get out of Cleveland, mom. You know that shit. You know he just doesn't want to be in Cleveland. They sent him upstate. They sent him up somewhere else.

The pen's a half hour away, and he's like, that's better than here. The pen's down in Columbus. Yeah, it's much better down there. It's beautiful. He went to school at John Hay High School in Cleveland. And he starts playing basketball. That's his thing from an early age. He's a big guy. He's an aggressive guy.

He turns out to be 6'5", 225, and athletic and aggressive. And he's one of these guys that's an effort guy we'll talk about later on. But he begins to drink in high school. Wow. He likes his alcohol, old Reuben Patterson. Most of his problems stem from alcohol, shocking enough. But in Cleveland, he probably drank it to keep warm. Probably, just to keep sane.

I mean, dad's in prison. I'm in Cleveland. Fuck it. Where's the booze? Mom has no heat on in the house. Where's the schnapps? And he wasn't good in school either. He would skip classes whenever he could during high school.

It was kind of just a cut-up, basically. But he played ball really well, but he had a hard time even staying eligible to play ball because he was such a complete fuck-up. His parents, including his mother, were really upset because Ruben, this is like, no one had

really gone to college in the family before and he had a chance to go to college because he could play basketball and he won't even go to fucking class. Never mind get a C in pass, he won't even show up. So they're like really frustrated. Like, don't you want to get out of here? This is Cleveland. You don't want to be here forever, do you?

To play basketball, you have to have Cs or better. You need to do something. Good God here. He's a teenager. As a teenager, he's playing in pickup games at the Woodhill Playground, which is where Charles Oakley honed his game as a child. Absolutely. So he's kind of a famous playground ball court around the Cleveland area back then.

His mother, Charlene Rubens, not Charles Oakley's mother, Rubens' mother, Charlene, said that, quote, Rubens, the first one to come along in our family and to be good at something. The people of Cleveland are the only people who know Charles Oakley grew up there. I never knew that. Because that motherfucker has claimed New York ever since going. And he played for the Bulls for years before that. Was it only Bulls and New York? He went other places after that.

But New York is where he claims. I get it. I get it. The famous front line. I never knew where he's from. Me neither. I knew he was a places after that. But New York is where he claims like. Well, yeah, that's when he was. I get it. I get it. The famous front line. He will. I never knew where he's from because he's a New Yorker. Me neither. I knew he was a Bull before that.

He makes it sound like he's a New Yorker through and through. That's it. And he seems like it, too. Yeah, he does. Yeah, he's one of those guys. He was embraced because I'm a New York guy. I'm a Knicks fan. He was embraced so hard by the New York fans.

He played like a New Yorker. Because he just, he was a big, tough son of a bitch. He was a guy who didn't take shit from anybody. He was quick to throw a punch. Absolutely. And we loved that

Ewing, Mason, Oakley front line. Oh, Jesus. You know, just basically good luck. It's like three bouncers. Ugly, mean men. That's what they are.

Three bouncers up front. Good luck with that shit. Big, ugly bouncers. Like, that's the guy you want. He looked like a wrestler. He didn't even look like a basketball player.

He looked like Debo. Exactly. He looked that's the guy you want. Anthony Mason looked like a wrestler. He didn't even look like a basketball player. He looked like Deebo. Exactly. He looked like Tiny Lister. Exactly. That's what I was going to say. He looked like he needs a lazy eye, and that man is terrifying. He's terrifying anyway with a lazy eye. He's my ball punk.

My ball. So, like I said, his mother here, Ruben's mother, said he's the first one to come along in our family to be good at anything. So, we've been terrible. Our whole family, we're in Cleveland. Nobody's making good decisions here, and this guy can play ball. He meets as a teenager here a guy named Hal Erstman. It's his first silver-haired middle-aged white man. And this guy is silver to the max.

I mean, just so silver, just amazingly silver. He's a commercial real estate professional with the Chartwell Group in Cleveland. Oh, my God. So that's how silver he is. That's how silver. He's trying to sell you commercial real estate while using underprivileged black athletes for his own gains. Like, that's silver right there. The Chartwell Group has an award on the wall that says

something that is silver like the silver something club silver fox award you bet yeah that's the silver seller the silver diamond award or whatever the fuck goddamn know it here uh this guy erstman here would coach basketball players mostly from his background from uh from Ruben's background. He ended up with 22 of them are AAU players, three NBA players, two NFL players, and four at this point, they were talking four of the last six years of Ohio's Mr. Basketball High School player was one of his guys. Now, as a sophomore at John Hay patterson like we said drinking a lot fucking up not going to class he is marked absent 50 times as a sophomore 50 how many times do you get i think it's 180 days of school he missed 50 he missed a third of the year wow how many how many days

does a normal kid now get marked absent before they're expelled i don't i i don't know man you can't miss 50 days i think like 10 and they start going like all right do you have mono or something what's your fucking problem like what's going on here do you have leukemia what's your issue what's going on with you right are you a bleeder what happened god uh he's deemed academically inept uh people kind of make fun of him for it the teachers kind of break his balls a little bit, like, what are you doing here? He's a dumb jock. That's what he is. Yeah, 1993, his mom, Charlene,

was in the process of divorcing Ruben's father, who was back in prison, and she sends Ruben to live with her mother, with Ruben's grandmother, and asks her brother, who is Ruben's uncle, Albert, to take care of Ruben. Sure. I almost called him Rupert for some reason, her brother, who is Ruben's uncle, Albert, to take care of Ruben. I almost called him Rupert for some reason, like Stewie's teddy bear on Family Guy.

Rupert. Rupert. Sends him there. She told Albert, quote, see if you can get him straight. That's what she told him. You get him in there. Now, Albert was watching him, a silver-haired middle-aged erstman was watching him. Charlene was up his ass, and his grades got better. He stopped missing

so much class. He started showing up once in a while. That's a novel concept. That's a good idea. Helps for grades. If your grades are down, my first thing would be don't miss a third of the school days. Maybe that'll help you a little bit. Tends to help you on test day. Yeah, that's Jesus Christ. But he finds out about a rule.

This is crazy, this rule. He finds out about a rule this is crazy this rule he finds out about a rule his junior year of high school that he would not be able to play basketball a senior year because there's a rule in the state saying that you can't play basketball in high school if you're over the age of 18 when the season starts oh shit uh so he's so dumb he's in school at 19 it might have just been where his birthday landed, too, though. That's possible if he's over 18. I'm trying to think about when basketball starts. Is that spring? It's a fall sport.

Is that a fall sport? But, like, my daughter, her birthday's in September, and so she had to start late. Oh, OK. So she just started 10th grade, but she's 16. She just turned 16. So she'll be 18 her whole senior year. Right, but she's not over 18. No, no, but you can't be 18, apparently. Oh, really, but she's not over 18. No, no, but you can't be

18, apparently. A player's older than 18. Older than 18? He's going to be 19. So he was held back? He probably got held back in first grade or something, which used to be normal. People used to get held back all the time in first grade. I knew so many kids who got held back in kindergarten and first grade. I remember

kids freshman year having their license because they were 16, and I'm like, you're what? Now they don't hold shit back. They just go through and when you're in 10th grade, just drop out when you're that far. When you're four grades behind, that was Bush. No child left behind. Absolutely Bush. No child left behind

was a Bush pick. Not that we're getting into politics here, but he's depressed Ruben about this whole thing. He stops going to class. He just didn't want any part of this whole deal here. Albert, his uncle, said, quote, we drive him to school and he'd go out the back door. Ruben's grades, of course, went right in the toilet because he never showed up. He said that he wasn't himself at all.

And that's all. He said the work wasn't hard. He just got sick of it. He just didn't want to show up. He was only there to play basketball. He's like, I can't play ball. I don't want this. Albert.

Nobody's job is difficult usually. I mean, there's some that are tough, but the majority of jobs are pretty simple. They're straightforward. Nobody fucking likes work. No, but I think everybody told him you're going to go to college and everything's going to be great and this basketball is going to be good for you. And they're like, oh, but you can't play basketball. But still go to math class.

And he's like, what? The fucking going to math. I only went to math class so i can dunk later that's the only reason i'm in math class this is ridiculous uh albert his uncle said quote everybody thought he was going to be a failure they told him you're dumb and you ain't gonna make it which i think that's amazing hilarious people tell them hey you're dumb uh you're gonna make it well he started looking at prep schools uh ruben he wanted to prove his critics wrong, and he wanted to go somewhere where he could play. He tried to go to Virginia, Oak Hill, which is in Virginia, but his grades were too low for that. They asked Ruben how low they were, and he said, whew, they were low.

He wouldn't give grades, but that's what he said. Whew, was his first quote. Whew, they were low. That's how you know they're low. Holy shit. That's not even close to a D. No. It's like 50% is an F.

Like, anywhere in the 50s is F. And that's failing. Woof. That's a woof right there. Woof. I had maybe two semesters to bring that up to a low D. Jesus. It would have taken me eight weeks to get that shit to work.

Woof. To get it above woof level. Woof. It would have taken me eight weeks to get that shit to get it above level. So now he says that Patterson Rubin here credits Erstman a lot with this. He says that, quote, he's always in my corner keeping my spirits up. If I have a problem, I talk to my wife first, then call. Then I call Hal. That's a later quote after he's married. But he says he calls his wife and then him are the two people he consults with. He even had Erstman be the best man at his wedding later.

Whoa. So that's how much that's how silver he is. That's silver. He put on a tux. He's so fucking silver. Holy shit. Yeah. He was considered unrecruitable because of his poor grades at all these colleges. So as good of a ballplayer as he is, and he's a damn good ball player, he's unrecruitable because his grades are so bad that he can't even get into the University of Cincinnati, which is fucking saying something if you know any of the history of them. So, yeah, like I said, he's 6'5", 225, senior year of high school. He's depressed.

He's looking for a prep school. He's doing all this, and there's an incident. This isn't his fault. According to the Cleveland Police Department here, the police records, Rubin was held up at gunpoint while walking on a street during his senior year of high school. Holy shit. He's held up at gunpoint and robbed. that the two men pulled up alongside him in a car and aimed a long barrel handgun at him and demanded that he remove his shoes

and hand over the gold chain around his neck and the cash in his pockets. They told him, quote, don't run or I'll shoot you in the back. Jesus. And so they pointed the gun at him and Patterson gave him his shoes and his chain and they drove off.

The only thing worse would have been if he put his fucking podcasts on YouTube. That's brutal, man. Yeah, that's pretty much what he did. He pretty much did that. Give me your shoes and your chain, and we'll take your intellectual property on top of that also. We'll take that. Yeah, get your intellectual property out of your pockets, asshole.

Wow. Holy shit. So he goes to Independence Community Junior College is where he ends up. That's a good one. It's got the word junior right in it. You know, that's not good. You know, that's terrible right there. It is nowadays just Independence Community College.

It's in Independence, Kansas. It's located between Tulsa and Kansas City. It's a small school, only 1,600 students there. So it's a community college. 1,600 kids who didn't want to go to class and walked out the back door when their Uncle Albert dropped them off in the front door. So Patterson here, this is a really different type of thing for him, too. It's not a big college. We'll put it that way.

It's not a huge college. It was established in 1925 to be, and this is what they say, to be the 13th and 14th grades of the Independence Public Schools. So they basically were like, you know, you just come on over here. It's 13th grade. Don't worry about it. They didn't even say like for a higher education. They're like, it's just high school basically for people who didn't pay attention. 13th and 14th grade.

I'm here. Are you here for a, what's your, what's your, what are you majoring in? What's your, oh, 13th, 13th. I'm just sorry. I'm majoring in 13th grade. You know, I'm majoring in, back then I I'm majoring in, like, kind of hooking my cable up correctly so I can record shit through my VCR. You know how that works?

That's kind of what I'm majoring. I could do that. What's your focus of studies? HVAC. You got HVAC? You got HVAC? I'll do that. I bet they do have HVAC there.

I'll bet they do. They actually do have a decent athletic alumni from here, because they couple, if you're a fuck-up, you have to go to one of these colleges first before you can get into a real college. So they have Armand Gilliam, the ex-NBA star. Really? Harvey Grant, who's an ex-NBA star. Bobby Johnson, who's an 80s wide receiver for the Giants, a skinny wide receiver. Not a shitty open mic runner?

Not a shitty open mic runner. I knew you were going to say that. And Reggie Rembert, who's an ex-Bengals wide receiver also. Yeah, I remember him just from football. I didn't know Armand Gillian went there. Armand Gillian and Harvey Grant. Gilliam with an M, right? And Ho's brother.

Not an N, right? Gilliam. Yeah, Gilliam with an M. Why am I saying Gillian? What are they doing? Armand, I don't know. Armand Gilliam. He had the goofiest haircut.

Yeah, he did. The NBA had a lot of goofy haircuts in 1990. He did the tall flat top for a little bit, then he went to the short one, then he put that fucking line in it too. It got real strange after a while. Yeah, but it was a flat top with the line in it. Like Larry Johnson. He followed the

grandma thing. Well, I don't know if he put the line in it later. It was like at an angle. It was a crooked carve into a flat top though. It was bizarre. Very strange. Very, okay. It was a crooked carve into a flat top, though. It was bizarre. Very strange. Very weird. So when Ruben pulls up, he's from the city in Cleveland, as much of a city as you can, whatever that is.

He pulls up to this place, 1,600 people in a tiny town in Kansas, and he sees just a few little two-story buildings. And that's the college. It doesn't look like a college at all. little two-story buildings and that's the college just if it doesn't look like a college at all uh he said that uh when he saw it he said quote i was ready to turn right around but uh albert took him there albert's albert's a mailman in cleveland and he saved up his money so he could take him down there and show him around uh he takes him there and he said uh he's told reuben quote this is what it's going to take two years in, in, in a boondocks country town before you can get your shit together. I see.

You can't go in, in the front and out the back. You dummy. You gotta go spend your time. Yeah, absolutely. It's 800 miles away from home. Yeah. A hundred miles away from Cleveland. You can't fail now, bud.

No, absolutely. And, uh, Ersman told him, Hal Ersman told him, look, you have to do this shit. He said, this is what you need. It's exactly perfect. It's far away. There's no distractions for you. So buckle up. Put your nose in a fucking book.

Let's do this. Learn some HVAC and let's get you out of here. At least in a hoop. Never mind the book. Just put it in a hoop. Dunk a lot. So he is a freshman year. He's going there.

He's way too good of a basketball player to be playing here. As a freshman, he broke the single season scoring record, which was 868 points. He broke that as a freshman. Wow. So he just came in and just started dominating. For a single season, right out of the gate, he's already broke it. He's already broke it. And he's not even, later on when he gets into the NBA, we'll see, he's not even an offensive player, really.

He's okay, but he's got a terrible jump shot. He's a defender. He's an even an offensive player, really. He's OK, but he's got a terrible jump shot. He's a defender. He's an energy defender. He's a guy that's just up your ass. Yeah. On top of you, up your ass, all energy. Can't get around him. He never stops.

His motor's always going. Yeah. When you watch him play, you're like, fuck, man. I want to see a game of 10 of these guys because that is awesome. Every team needs a guy like him on the team. That's how he plays. But in college here, he's just raking in on the points. During this season, on February 15, 1995, they beat Kansas City 97-92.

He went 21 of 26 from the floor and had a school record 58 points. My goodness. Which doesn't happen much, I don't think, in community college. No, it's... Yeah. Anything over 50 points is usually the entire team's points. Yeah. In a college game?

Yeah, you look at college, it's like 62-58. That's the game. Especially a community junior college game. That's bananas. That's going to be terrible. So he probably beat the whole other team. You know what I mean? Actually, no, 97-92 was the final.

But he was named All Jayhawk Conference, which is there, and also received Freshman of the Year Award in the Kansas— All Jayhawk? That includes KU also. No, no, no, no. This is in the junior college. Oh, okay, okay. They call it the all—because I think it's just, you know— Because they're expecting you to go there.

Yeah, All Jayhawk Conference. They think maybe you'll be fooled and go, I'm going to Kansas. Fuck, Kansas City. What is this shit? No way. He was also an honorable mention, All-America, by the National Junior College Association. Oh, great. So he's fucking doing as well as you can do here.

Summer of 95, he gains a lot of notice from people because he puts a hell of a performance on at the U.S. Olympic Festival in Denver. There was only a couple. I think there was three non-Division I players, big college players, invited. He had 21 points for the East team in an 86-84 loss. The Long Beach State coach, Seth Greenberg, said, quote, he's a monster. He got every loose ball. How about that?

That's what he's all about. If there's a loose ball, he will dive headfirst in the goddamn. He's like Kurt Rambis with talent, basically. Minus glasses and knee pads. Athletic ability and basketball skill, not just a will to collect things. Also during that summer, he's got a girlfriend in Fort Riley, Kansas named Brenda Gonzalez, who gives birth to their daughter. So you got a freshman.

You need to have a kid now. Natanya. Or Natanya. Yeah, Natanya, I'm going to call her. We'll just call her Natanya. Whatever. They live together in an apartment near campus. This will not last long.

No. I know that for a fact based on what comes up later. Well, there's a baby involved. Now everything sucks. Yeah. that for a fact uh based on what comes up later but there's a baby involved now everything sucks yeah i guess he had a hard time struggling with the new responsibility at first obviously his uncle said quote i told him to accept it and deal with it and be proud and to keep his goals wow he should have gone in the back door on that one that's it yeah he should have just kept on going keep going well he went in the front door was the problem. He was supposed to finish in the back door. He went the wrong way.

He really did. He did well. He had a B average. He was taking algebra, English, English lit. So he was doing theater appreciation. I didn't do that shit. No, me neither. He says, quote, I'm taking care of business.

Yeah. Like, all right, I guess you are here. Not too bad. Sophomore year, comes'm taking care of business. Yeah. Like, all right, I guess you are here. Not too bad. Sophomore year, comes back, kills it again. He posts the single-season sophomore record in that conference with an average of 27.1 points a game. He earns first-team All-America Junior College honors. He's the shit in junior college. He's great.

He's the all-time leading scorer in his Independence College men's basketball history. Wow. He's 1,558 points. So, yeah, he holds eight records, eight school records in basketball. Holy shit. Do you only play two years for him? Two years, yeah. Junior college, you go for two years because it's a two-year program. And then you try to go to a good college. Oh, yeah, 13th and

14th, remember? It's 13th and 14th grade. And then he finds a good college. Well, he finds a college. Let's not call it a good college. University of Cincinnati. It's notth and 14th, remember? It's 13th and 14th grade. And then he finds a good college. Well, he finds a college. Let's not call it a good college. University of Cincinnati. It's not a good college. It's a college that you can play basketball at. And I feel like if you're about to graduate, they kick you right off the team. They're like, we can't have that here.

We've got to keep our graduation rate under 8%. Is that the Bearcats? That's the Bearcats, yeah. 96-97 season he's playing for them. Was it Van Exel that went there? No. Who went there that was a fuck-up? Lots for them. Was it Van Exel that went there? No. Who went there that was a fuck-up? Lots of them.

Kenyon Martin. Oh, he went there too? We'll talk all about him. We'll talk all about it. They do a great job of picking. They really, really do. Did Van Exel go to Cincinnati? I think he did.

I think you're right. For some reason I thought of Anthony Peeler when you said Van Exel. I don't know why. So 96-97. The team goes 26 and 8 cincinnati which is great for college they have danny fordson on the team you remember him kind of an nba washout danny fordson not really that great uh but he's the star of that team he was a monster in college monster power forward kenyan martin's on the team too but he's not a

star yet okay he's a younger guy coming in. Now, December 6, 1996. Everything's going great. Yeah. Everything's going great. He got his shit together. He got his grades together. He went in the wrong door, but we'll let that slide for now. He's got a kid.

Whatever. Fuck it. Over here, though, it doesn't matter. Everything's going fine. Good shit. He went to a junior college, straightened out all his shit academics, and then got into a big college. And then got into... This is what you would tell a kid to do.

This is, you're like, look, you want to do the right thing, make the right moves. These are the things you need to do. I know it sounds hard. You have to live in the boonies. It's going to be hard. He fucking did it. Yeah. And I'm proud of him for that until December 6th, 1996.

Police Sergeant Phil Vickers, whenever I start quoting police sergeants, you know there's a problem. He said police were called to a Cincinnati apartment about 8.45 p.m. where a woman named Deidre Mason, not even his girlfriend, not Brenda, not that one. This is a completely different girlfriend he's got now, told the police that Patterson kicked in the door to her apartment. Holy shit. Hit her in the head.

Oh, Jesus. And stole her purse. Fuck. Okay. She said that this woman was a girlfriend of a former girlfriend. That was who she is. Apparently there was- Okay, I got it.

Girlfriend of his former girlfriend. Right. Apparently there was some discrepancy with him and the girlfriend when they broke up over possessions, and he thought that she took something that wasn't hers, blah, blah, blah, so he decided to go over to some other woman's house, kick in the door, punch her in the fucking head, and steal her purse. It said, quote, she had a laceration to her scalp. She was treated by a paramedic at the scene.

He hit her so hard he broke the skin. Oh, he broke the skin. He cut her open. He jacked her in the head and stole her purse like a fucking mugger. Jesus Christ, he's been mugged. He should know better. What fight he had with his girlfriend. It's insane. You took my fucking TV. I'm going to go steal your friend's purse. What sense does that make? That's the silliest shit

ever. That's crazy. Like, I know you have everything she had that was mine in your purse and in your scalp, too. You owe me platelets, bitch. My toe sheep was in there. Jesus Christ. I want your plasma. She took my plasma TV. I know it. So

yeah, there was another player there, a sophomore on the team named Melvin Levitt was with Patterson. The police said that he's not being charged, Levitt. He, quote, he took no active part in the offense. So he was smart. Anyway, he probably stood back and said, what the fuck are you doing? I thought we came here to ask her for your shit.

You said you needed me to carry the other end of a dresser. That's what you told me. You said there's stairs. Ruben, you just punched a woman. What are we doing? You just punched her. That's her purse, dude. Leave that.

Just take her wallet out. Don't take the whole purse. Where are you running? Shit. God damn it. That plasma is not the plasma in a TV. What are you running? Shit. God damn it. That plasma is not the plasma in a TV. What are you doing? Oh, you dummy.

So police issue an arrest warrant for him, obviously. This is why you went to junior college. Exactly. You fucking asshole. You junior asshole. I wish you were a junior. It would make sense. So they issue an arrest warrant for him for aggravated burglary, which is not a great

thing. Aggravated burglary is a first degree felony in that state punishable by up to 25 years in prison. This is a no-joke fucking thing here. Patterson, though, somehow, it's weird, he's in college, not making any money, but somehow can hire high-powered attorneys like John Wolfe, who previously defended athletes in sexual assault cases. He defended an ex-Seattle Seahawks quarterback named Gail Gilbert against multiple sexual assault accusations in a six-month period in 1987.

A college student can afford that guy? That's crazy. Yeah, weird, right? So nuts. Gee, is there maybe Erstman? Maybe there's a guy back there. I see a tinge of silver and a big roll of money coming out. There was a shitload of money in that girl's purse.

Maybe. That's true. We don't know exactly what she did here. So this is all their first fucking year in University of Cincinnati. They're the number three seed in the tournament anyway. Wow. So that's terrific. They win in the first round, 86-69 against Butler.

They lose in the second round to number six seed Iowa State. So that's not great. 67-66. At least it was close. They lost in the second round to No. 6 seed Iowa State. So that's not great. 67-66, at least it was close. They lost in the second round as a No. 3? As a No. 3. They're the No. 6 seed Iowa State. So that's a little weak there. Ruben, for his part, though, 31 games that season, 13.7 points a game,

5.6 rebounds per game, 1.4 assists, and 1.1 steals. And he's a small forward? He's a small forward, shooting guard, small forward, depending on where he's playing. That's good numbers. And for defense, too. I mean, 1.1 steals, that's high. That means he's upped people's asses.

And he's a good rebounder, too. He's a really strong rebounder for a guy who's 6'5". He gets in there, he's just an effort guy. He just never stops. So 1997 offseason, he's had his own issues this year. Now he witnesses something not great and another issue. He witnesses a domestic violence incident. His mother is attacked by – it's hard to find out who exactly this was, but I've been able to ascertain.

I believe it's like a new boyfriend of his mother's, was attacking her with scissors. What the fuck? Attacking his mother with scissors and screaming, quote, I'll get all you fuckers. What? I'll get all you fuckers. I should have chose a better weapon, but for now this is what I'm going to do. Scissors. It's fine.

So that's a situation, I would call it. I'll get all you fuckers. That's a hilarious quote. What is he? Is he talking about coupons? I'll clip them all. Everybody's going to save 49 cents on Pop-Tarts. Every fucking body in this house, I swear to God.

Was it when the fucking Monopoly game was out for McDonald's? I'll get all of you, Park Place. Who's got Boardwalk? I need Venator. What is he clipping? He's shouting and attacking the mother. The dog's got dingleberries and he's got a clip. Maybe.

All you fuckers. Maybe he's really enthusiastic about dingleberry trimming. This guy just has a trim, a future in pet cosmetology. That's all it is. That's all. Pet grooming. He's a groomer. Is tomorrow picture day at school and he wants to cut everybody's bangs?

Maybe. Maybe he said, I'll get all you fuckers. He was talking about the hairs that are a little longer. I'm going to even you up. I'll get all those little fuckers. So apparently it was a little more threatening than that. He's a trimming son of a bitch, this guy. That's all it is.

He's really there for you is what it is. He's trying to that. He's a trimming son of a bitch, this guy. That's all it is. He's really there for you, is what it is. He's trying to help. He wants your pictures to look good. So Patterson steps in, since he's a huge guy. He steps in and disarms the scissors off the guy. And he got no fuckers. Calls the police, and he got no fuckers. Patterson's mother did not press charges for this.

What the fuck is she doing? I'll get all you fuckers. That charge is pressed. That's her charges pressed. There's no misunderstanding. No. If he just had the scissors, she could say, I felt threatened, but maybe it's just me. He said, I'll get all you fuckers. And then my six foot five, 220 pound son had to disarm this fuck.

Had to wrestle him. And he got no fuckers, but he's going to jail. That's crazy. He's a hero right there. He just saved his mom. But in 1997, later on in the year, police are called again by Patterson's sister this time, reporting that he assaulted her, that Ruben assaulted her. The report said that Ruben, quote, punched victim in the face with closed fist when victim tried to defend herself,

named suspect, then grabbed victim by her throat and lifted victim up in the air and then dropped victim on top of her vehicle and she rolled off and fell to the ground. That is some fucking action movie shit. Hulk Hogan did that in No Holds Barred. We'll put it that way. He did that. He lifted a guy up and threw him on top of the limo hood when he was looking for Zeus. That's fucking chokeslam stuff.

He chokeslammed this woman, but just onto the roof of her car and just tossed her, dropped her. He's a woman-punching son of a bitch. He is an asshole, this guy. He and women don't—he's not good with women, let's just say. He's an asshole forever. He does love Kane and The Undertaker. That's pretty evident. women let's just say he's an asshole he does love kane and the undertaker that's pretty evident he does he said it's 97 too that was a big deal he's like i saw hell in the cell i'm gonna fucking choke slam her directly onto the front of her car

and then she rolled off and fell to the ground too which is like that seems insult to injury hit her with a closed fist punched her she tries to put her hands up, so he says, okay, choke slam you onto a car, drop her and fall. Imagine that series of events for you. Huge guy punches you in the face, lifts you up by the throat, tosses you onto the hood of a car, and you fall onto the ground three feet down from that. Holy shit. I can't call the cops fast enough. Wow. Yeah, she called the cops.

No arrest was made in this at all after that. I guess the prosecutors reviewed it and ended up not pressing charges. I don't know if she wasn't cooperative with the whole thing or what, but holy shit. Someone pressed fucking charges on this guy because you need it. It's his senior year. Team is 27-6. They're damn good. Those late 90s Bearcats were pretty damn good. Kenyon Martin is now the star of the team. Fortson is gone.

Now, December 1997, the team's going well, except for the fact that there's always, with Cincinnati, there was always a lot of talk of them having violations. They've been a mess for years. Bob Huggins, the coach. They've been a problem. December 97, Reuben is suspended for 14 games by the NCAA. That's a lot. They play like 30 games a season, so that's a shitload. The half the season? That's half of them.

For receiving extra benefits in violation of NCAA rules. Sweet Christ. He was using a condo owned by a guy he worked for in the summer who also co-signed a car loan for him. You know who that is? No. Who do you think it is? Is there a silver haired middle aged white man around here anywhere? Hal? Hal Erston? Hal, that's it. Fucking Hal. Here, I'll co-sign for you. You need an attorney for your assault? I'll get you that. You bet. Aggravated burglary? No problem.

Yeah. Holy shit. So that happens there. So he's suspended for 14 games. So he's got a little bit of time to think about it through December, through January. He's got to think about it because they don't play every day in college, obviously. And then on February 19th, 1998, his mother dies of a heart attack. Oh, my God.

Poor Charlene here. It seems like she's had a hard life. She's been attacked with scissors. Her husband was in and out of prison and everything else. Finally, her son is going to do something that could probably help her and get her out of the shit situation. And there's lots of talk with the players on his team, too, where he would always talk about his goal was to get to the NBA so he could get his mother out of the shit neighborhood and buy her a house. And he wanted to do the whole typical, you know, do better for my family thing that everybody wants to do.

Buy my mom a house. That's what he was planning on doing. And she didn't make it senior year. She had a few more months to go and couldn't do it. She's only 38 years old. What? 38 died of a heart attack in her sleep. That's a hard life.

Which means she had him when she was 16, which means that explains a lot about this father. That's Cleveland living, too. Yeah. Well, the father, it's like the father going in and out. And it's like, well, yeah, she was 16. She didn't know what kind of future he was going to have. She probably didn't plan on getting knocked up. She's only 38 years old, dies of a heart attack in her sleep.

So hard. But they talk about whether he's going to play or not the next day because he's playing again. And he said he's going to play. He said, I'm playing. I don't give a shit. He wants to do it. He said he put on his uniform.

He said he put Charlene Patterson, number 23, because he wears 23. I'm going to miss you on his shoes. He put on there. And he had a huge game. He scored 32 points. That is the highest total he had at the University of Cincinnati was 32 points. He really lit it up, had seven rebounds, three assists, had three steals, and only two turnovers, and he played for 37 minutes. Two turnovers?

That's great. That's great. Played for 37 minutes, which in college, it's pretty much the whole game. So they beat University of Alabama Birmingham that day, and we have it in their own words about it. Let's see what Ruben has to say about this. In their own words, quote,

My family thought I was coming home, but I wanted to stay here. We needed to win this game, and I wanted to play well for my mom. Every time I scored, everybody saw me point up. I was crying all day, but I decided I I wanted to play well for my mom. Every time I scored, everybody saw me point up. I was crying all day, but I decided I was going to do it for my mom. I put it behind me and played the game. So, distraction. That's fine. A lot of people, you need that. But he plays through it. And the guy said,

what are you going to do? You want to go home with your family? And he said to his teammate, this is kind of my family. This is it. My mom just died and I got no dad. This is my family. I'm going to fucking stay here and play. The last time I went home to my family, somebody told me I'm going to get all those fuckers. Yeah, I'm going to get all you fuckers. All of them.

So this is a little different. I'm going to stay here. They're the number two. Cincinnati's still playing. They're the number two seed in the tournament in their bracket that year. They were good for a few years. They were really good. Van Axel played 91 through 93. There you go. So it was earlier. Later is this guy.

God, is that fuck ugly. Oh, he's a broad-eyed looking son of a bitch. Holy shit. This tournament, they barely beat NAU. He looks like a bug. He does. They barely beat NAU, Johnny. Northern Arizona University.

The Lumber Jokes. The Lumber Jokes. Yeah, they were a number 15 seed, the Lumber Jokes. They were a number 15 seed the lumber jokes they were a number two and i remember seeing this game on tv because i was flicking through just tournament games and this was the very very end of it it was tied 62 62 oh that's depressing cincinnati won on the last second three i remember just being pissed because i want to see an upset and a 15 seed over a two seeds a huge fucking upset that would have been amazing makes you hate nau more oh yeah absolutely like you guys can't do shit right fucking jerks and close it uh so then they go to the next game they play west virginia

who's a number 10 seed and they lose 75 74 so yeah not too great you can amount to taking them down to the wire yeah so they're they're out in the second round again. Ruben never really went very far in the tournament. 19 games that year. 16.5 points a game. 6.3 rebounds. 2.2 assists. 1.2 steals. Solid fucking numbers.

Not bad at all. Some character concerns about him. A couple. There's some character concerns. But he's also a hero. He's also a hero. He stopped a stabbing. So you stop a stabbing.

You beat up a girl and your sister. You gave your mom one more year of life. Something. You did something. He earned second team all-conference and third team all-America that year. That's great. So good player. 1998 NCAA dunk contest, which I didn't even know they did.

In 98? I had no clue they were doing that in 98. But apparently they were. In 98? I didn't know that. I had no clue they were doing that in 98. But apparently they were. He's in it. Ralph him. Ralph Biggs. Corey Brewer. Herbert Lang.

Mike James. Felipe Lopez. Jamal Sanford. And Kevin Rice. How come none of those names matter? I remember Felipe Lopez from St. John's. I don't know that name. Because I think he did well in the NBA dunk contest the next year.

I think he might have won it or came in top of the deal. It was the McDonald's All-American Games, right? Isn't that what this is? That was for high school. Oh, you're right. That's high school. You're right. Yeah, this is an NCAA dunk contest.

This is crazy. I didn't even know this existed. I didn't either. Ruben is runner up. Really? He's a good dunker. He was doing this dunk from the corner where he threw the ball up in the air and then it bounced and he grabbed it and did like a big tomahawk dunk.

Like a windmill or some shit? Yeah, like a big whatever. And his first dunk was like toss off the backboard to himself in a big dunk and with authority. Super original. Yeah, super original. It's 98. I mean, still that's not original. That was in 92 that would have been considered a little old school. I mean,

Cedric Sabalos did that shit in 92. That's what I mean, yeah. It's crazy. Ruben is runner up. He comes in second place to Herbert Lang of Centenary is the school he goes to. I was like, I've never watched his – are you a big Centenary fan, Jimmy? Is it University of Centenary or Centenary? It's Centenary. I don't know what that is. I don't know what that is.

So May 9th, 1998, after this, the NCAA announces it's investigating the University of Cincinnati for all sorts of rules violations. They're major rules violations. Cincinnati was given an official notice of inquiry by the NCAA. They said that they alleged that there was a lack of institutional control over the program. constitutional control over the program. One of his assistant coaches, John Lawyer, was given a paid leave because of his involvement in a number of infractions. Tons of players. There were sanctions levied against them, weren't there?

Oh, God, yeah. Over a 16-month period, this whole investigation. This is great. They could be stripped of basketball, scholarships, postseason play, probation, the whole deal. It's a mess, but fuck it. it's a mess but fuck it he's gone room and he's like you guys deal with that shit Cincinnati Cleveland whatever shit Ohio City I leave behind in a in ruins I don't care he's like Pete Carroll at this point walking away he's like one of those he's like like in a movie like you just see like him walking cuts like the Joker

walking calmly and then shit starts exploding behind him and And he's like, don't give a fuck. I'm out. I got mine. Later. He's Pete Carroll heading to the Seahawks at this point. That's it, man. Fuck it all. Exactly.

Bye. Fuck USC. Bye, guys. So June 24th, 1998, which is the next month after that, is the 1998 NBA draft. It is at the General Motors place in Vancouver, British Columbia up there in Canada. Oh, that's right, because of the Raptors. Yeah, it was kind of a shit. It was Vancouver, the Grizzlies.

That's right. Yeah. Vancouver, yeah, you're right. The Grizzlies, yeah, Toronto Raptors. But I meant because they had the expansion. Yeah, they had one up there, and this was before they gave up and moved them to Memphis. So that's where they put the draft a couple times, huh? Yeah, they moved them up there.

I remember this draft, too. It was not a great draft. 98? 98 draft, not a good draft. A lot of busts. Number one overall, Michael Oluwakandi. Oh, that's right for the Clippers. Brutal.

Not great. Big center. For years, they just try every year. It's like, the center? No, they'll try him. Can we get a 7'6 guy? 7'6? Wasn't he 7'6?

7'1. Oh, was he? Yeah, but you get a seven-footer, they draft him first overall, his knees go out, and that's the end of it. That's exactly what happened to him. Greg Oden. The next year, it was his fucking knee. Happened forever.

Mike Bibby goes number two, the Phoenix local, as we know of, went to U of A. He went to the Grizzlies, didn't he? No, yes, he goes to the Grizzlies. Rafe LaFrance, I remember him. God, Rafe LaFrance from Kansas. No idea. Jesus, some of these names. Antoine Jamison goes number four from North Carolina.

He's still playing. That's what I, yeah. That son of a bitch is still, did he? I think he retired finally. I think he was done last year. Oh, Christ. Last year, Vince Carter, number five. Another one that just retired.

Another one, just another North Carolina, too. North Carolina had the four and five pick back-to-back teammates. Both juniors. Then you get into Robert Traylor. Remember that big, stocky son of a bitch? He played like a year and a half. Yep. Jason Williams, white Jason Williams.

Yeah, oh, that one. Not black murdering Jason Williams that we had so much fun with. This is idiot white Jason Williams. Yeah. Oh, that one. Not black murdering Jason Williams that we had so much fun with. This is idiot white Jason Williams. This son of a bitch called himself white chocolate. Yeah, he's an idiot. The most douchey thing that you can do. Number nine overall, Dirk Nowitzki, who's had quite the fucking career. Still going. Paul Pierce, number ten.

Son of a bitch, still going. No, he just retired, didn't he? Yes, he did. And he's been stabbed and everything else. Yeah. Throwing up fucking gang signs on TV. Bonzi Wells. We'll talk about him because we're going to talk about him later. That's why. Bonzi Wells, Michael Doliak, Keon Clark.

So there's a lot of shit going on here. Pat Garrity. Oh, Christ. Yeah. Tyronn Lue, who is now- Yeah, he's now a coach. Who's now LeBron's bitch. He is.

Except, isn't LeBron- was LeBron leaving Cleveland again? Who the fuck knows anymore? Who the fuck knows? Felipe Lopez, who he went against in the dunk contest. Al Harrington. So a lot of these guys. I'm going down the list because he doesn't get drafted in the first round. Really?

Ruben does, which in basketball, if you don't get drafted in the first round, there's really no. You don't fucking matter. You're probably not going to. You might make the team, but they don't have to guarantee you anything. There's only 12? So you're probably not. Is it 12? 12 players?

12 on a team? Yeah, 12 players on a team. I was like, 12 rounds? Jesus Christ. No, no, no, 12 players. Everybody in college they draft. They've got 12. They're making a draft, and if there's more than three players drafted—is it two players or three?

Do they get three rounds? Two. It's two rounds. Two rounds. That's it. Two players. If you don't get drafted, then you're probably not going to make the NBA. No. Now you can go to the Developmental League,

but back then you'd have to go to Europe and hope that somebody saw you. You'd have to sign as a hot dog. Yeah, so you could be one of the tender, juicy hot dogs over in the Philippines. So, finally, number 31 overall, second pick in the second round, Ruben is taken by the Los Angeles Lakers.

Oh! Taken by the Lakers in a pick that they got from Vancouver. Right after him was Rashard Lewis, who ended up being decent. Katino Mobley was later on in that draft. Miles Simon was there, the old U of A guy. Other than that... Second round is bleak as fuck. It's really bleak.

I'm looking. There is not J.R. Henderson. It's not a lot going on here in the second round. The pick that they ended up trading to Vancouver ended up being George Lynch. They traded for him, George Lynch, the ex-Dakken guitarist from the 80s. No, not that one. George Lynch and Anthony Peeler in 1996. Oh, how about that?

There's another Anthony Peeler. It was a trade from two years ago, this draft pick, and the Lakers score him. Undrafted players in that draft include Earl Boykins, who played for a while, and Brad Miller also. And we'll talk about Boykins later, too, a little more. Boykins played for the fucking Nuggets and was so fast. He's nasty, man. Also, what, the Bucs.

So, 98. Do we remember what happened in 98 in the NBA? It's a bad year to get drafted into the NBA because there's a lockout. Okay, I was going to say strike. They don't play until February that year, so that's kind of a mess. What happened to 98 in the NBA? It's a bad year to get drafted into the NBA because there's a lockout. Okay. They have a lockout. They don't play until February that year. So that's kind of a mess. So what he does to keep playing, and there's no money coming in because it's a lockout,

he goes to Greece. He goes to the Greek League. Bunch of hairy, sweaty dudes. Yeah, and plays with AEK Athens, B.C., where he averaged 12.6 points, 3.6 rebounds, 19 games over there. So he just went over there to basically keep in shape. Ran a scrimmage over there for a while. Can't go back to Cincinnati and practice with them because there's sanctions and everything else. Someone's going to attack him with scissors if he comes on campus. I'm going to kill all you fuckers.

So he's with the Lakers, 1998-1999 season season which is really just a 99 season because it doesn't start till then this is the year they shit can Del Harris they as coach they fire him mid-season and put Kurt Rambis in for a while Christ didn't work out this team is stacked stacked there's nowhere for a rookie to play on this team there's no point in even being on this team they've got Van Exel they have let's go over this Kobe All right. Kobe. Yeah. Corey Blunt. Yeah. Eldon Campbell. Derek Fisher. Rick Fox.

Yeah. A 63-year-old Derek Harper just playing until Social Security starts kicking in. With his lisp. With his lisp. Robert Ori. Yeah. Eddie Jones, who was nasty back then when he played for them in Miami. J.R. Reid.

Glenn Rice. Dennis fucking Rodman. And, oh, yeah, Shaq. Oh, my God. That's their fucking team. That's like two all-star teams. Did they win that year? I don't think they won. I think San Antonio did. I know San Antonio beat the Knicks, I remember. Marcus Camby had a great

dunk though over that. It looked like he went off a trampoline in that finals. I watched that. Yeah, the Knicks breaking my heart again. Even though that year really didn't count, I still would have liked to see them win just once. Just once? I'd like one team I'd like to win with. Just fucking win. So, anyway, that team is stacked.

How about that? For that team to be like that and still get beat by the fucking Spurs. Yeah. Well, they were a great team. I wonder who they lost. After this, though, this is when they went on the run. Okay. Did they lose in the playoffs to the Spurs?

They had to have, right? Yeah, yeah. And after this, though, that was— With that team, you have to run into the Spurs at some point. Yeah, they get swept by the Spurs as a matter of fact round two uh they beat houston in round one uh but anyway february 5th 99 is his nba debut okay finally uh he plays in the fuck left god he plays in a game they just stick him in there as a reserve they were winning 114 to 12 he played four minutes yeah. And he's two for two from the free

throw line. It was the last four minutes. Yeah, he's garbage time. You get in there. He plays against Houston, who had Pippen, Barkley, and Olajuwon back then, which is nasty. And by the way, has everyone heard Olajuwon's rap album? Do we all know about that? You don't know about that? How do I not know

about that? Akiva Olajuwon has a fucking rap album. How do I not know that? If you don't know this. He can't speak English. How does he rap? He raps, all right. What? It's hilarious.

What the fuck? Every famous basketball player in like 94, 95 had a rap album. Akeem is no fucking difference. It's hilarious. Look up Akeem Olajuwon's rap album, guys. And by the way, is his name Akeem or Hakim? Both. Did we ever figure that out? It's hilarious. Look up Akeem Olajuwon's rap album, guys. And by the way, is his name Akeem or Hakeem? Both. Did we ever figure that out? It's both. Was there ever a

definitive decision on that? I believe it started out Akeem and then he went to Hakeem after that. But the album, I think it's called The Dream or some shit. That makes sense. I've looked everywhere to try to get it on vinyl because I want it. It's like a collector's piece. I want it really bad. I want to fucking scratch it.

Oh, God. I just want to keep it pristine. What the fuck? How does he have a rap album? He can't even speak English. No, he's a... He grunts. He fucking...

He has the weirdest voice. Yeah, he's going to have... But he raps. Awful. I'm telling you, it's amazing. It's not a rap. And he sings on it a little, too. I'm telling you guys.

I heard it. It's awesome. It's fucking tremendous. Oh, I can't wait to hear this. It's a tremendous piece of art right there. It's awesome. It's fucking tremendous. I can't wait to hear this. Tremendous piece of art right there. It's art is what it is, Jimmy. Sings. He plays in 24 games this whole year. Ruben does.

Ruben does, not Olajuwon. Olajuwon played in more than that. He only starts two games, Ruben. Six minutes per game, so it's just garbage time at the end. 2.7 points a game. 1.3 rebounds. Nothing much. Like I said, they go to the playoffs. The Lakers get swept in round two by the Spurs. Ruben barely plays at all in the playoffs.

But he does make $628,500 that year. That's nice. That's not a bad deal for a kid who's got shit. Lakers choose to not renew his contract. It's just a one-year deal off of that. So he's floating out there now. He made $600,000 to not work. You know what I mean? That's amazing. He shot a few free throws. He played six minutes a game, 24 games. It's not

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When you're ready to buy, visit truecar.com to enjoy a more confident car buying experience. Some features are not available in all states. It's truecar.com. And now back to the show. August 10th, 99, he signs as a free agent with Seattle. All right. The old Supersonics. Yeah.

God, I miss. I do, too. Fucking miss the Supersonics. Their unis were so great. I love those green unis. I love the name, the Supersonics. I love that. I didn't like that.

I love the name. It's a cool fucking old 70s name. I don't know. It sounds so out of date. I liked it. I don't know what the fuck a Supersonic is. That's why it was cool. Like that. It makes no sense of the fucking

city. No, it doesn't at all. Because they had the airline deal there. Oh, you know what? I think I remember you telling me that. We talked about that before. They built a jet factory or some shit. I love that environment though. That building had like an energy to it. Whenever the Suns would play there in the mid-90s

it was just like nobody sat down. it was just like a crazy game so i do like that s that weird s like the the top and bottom are curved and then the middle is a straight line yeah yeah and then from in that for in that they have like the space needle or whatever i liked that that's a cool design i like seattle needs to have teams i like that yeah i'm having teams oklahoma city does not need a fucking team. They ended up moving to Oklahoma City, Seattle, if you're not a sports fan. And that town is so grateful to have anything. They should be because they should have nothing because it's awful there.

Sorry, Oklahoma. I've driven through there a bunch of times. I've driven through there, let's say, four times. Two of the four times, there was deadly tornadoes coming right then. I'm not even listening to your explanation. It's fucking horrible. I hate that place. The statement, they should have nothing, is my favorite statement ever.

You know what they have there? Perkins. Perkins. That's what they have there. Perkins and dirt. Enjoy your bread bowl. Fucking bathtubs you can lie down in while you fear for your life. What a shithole that is.

Good God. Fuck you, Oklahoma City. I hate you. Not you as a person, but where you live is an awful. They should have nothing. Oh, God. Oh, that hurt. Jesus, God.

It is the fucking devil's tank, that place. It's the worst place ever. So he goes to play with Seattle. Give it a couple of tornado seasons. They will have nothing. They shouldn't. Eventually they will have nothing. And now, like we said, they've got all the earthquakes now from the fracking.

So now the ground is moving and whatever's left not shaking off the earth and falling in a crack will be taken away by the giant funnel cloud. The good news is the earthquake is breaking the foundation and then the tornado is lifting it from the foundation. And there's a lot of religious people there. That's a fucking sign. Not only are they trying to suck you from the earth, but the earth is trying to shake you off of it. Stop being there. Stop it. It's trying to shake you off so you'll fall down and then the funnel cloud can take you

away. They should have nothing. Nothing. Not a goddamn thing. Fuck them. So, my anger for Oklahoma City. I hate Oklahoma City and I hate Lincoln, Nebraska. Those are my two least favorite cities in America that I've been to.

They're awful places. I will say this. Oklahoma has the nicest people of anywhere I've ever been. Yeah. Anywhere I've ever been. Even Canada. You just said it as a matter of fact. Oh, they don't deserve shit.

They deserve to be miserable. It's like in the middle of a conversation, you're just like, my aunt lives in Oklahoma. She thinks she deserves a ring. She doesn't deserve anything. She deserves nothing. She's been with him for eight years. She just deserves a ring. She doesn't deserve anything. She doesn't deserve anything. She's been with him for eight years. She just wants a ring. She deserves nothing.

It's nothing. Not a fucking thing. Not a thing. Not even your clothes when you leave. Out. The clothes on your back. Be gone. She deserves nothing.

Oh, Jesus. 2,000. 99-2,000. He's playing with Seattle. Signs there. That team,000. $99,000. He's playing with Seattle. Signs there. That team, an interesting team. A couple of, well, at least one crime and sports alumni there. Vernon Maxwell's on that team. Vin Baker,

who we know. Brent Barry. Vin Baker was a good dude, right? He was good. Vin Baker's a good player. I don't know if he was a good dude, but he was a good player. I'm not sure about that, but he's a good player. He's another guy who played for the Bucs, I believe, for a while. Brent Barry, the only white guy I ever know to win a dunk contest.

It was a shit dunk. It was barely from the foul line. It's just because he's real lanky. It's just because he's stretched out. It was halfway there already. Dude, his foot was so far over the free throw line. It was ridiculous. They just wanted to let a white guy win. Horace Grant's on that team. Gary, I love him.

Gary Payton, of course, who's the glove. And Chuck Person. You've got to love me some Chuck Person. Not too bad at all. He died. Chuck's dead? I think Chuck Person is dead. Oh, shit, that sucks.

I hope not. I will Google that while we're in this. Go on. So January 4, 2000, he's in Seattle. He's getting settled. He's got his family. Now he's got a wife, or fiance, I should say, named Shannon at this point. And on January 4th, so he's trying to settle his whole life down.

On January 4th, 2000, a 23-year-old girl or woman, I should say, at that age. That person is very much alive. He's alive. I never heard of him die. So a 23-year-old woman named Jenny Stevens is a nanny, and she works for a company called Nanny for You. A Nanny for You. It's a Seattle area agency. And the company asked her if she would like a new job as an interim.

It's an interim position. They have someone, but they need to fill in for a couple weeks to be a nanny. They have a family near Bellevue. The permanent nanny, like I said, couldn't be in work for a while. She, Jenny, has been doing these stints, basically fill-ins as a nanny for wealthy families. They have, my aunt used to do this, these agencies that place nannies with wealthy families, basically. So she did that.

She needed money. She had just finished two years of community college. She went to a medical assistant training program, was trying to get enough money to go to a She did that. She needed money. She had just finished two years of community college. She went to a medical assistant training program, was trying to get enough money to go to a four-year school. Her fiance worked with at-risk youth, and they postponed their marriage plans to save up money so they could afford to buy a house or something afterwards. So she's a young person trying to make a life for herself, working hard, working a bunch of different things at once. So they offer her this. The agency, they tell her that the husband in the family is an NBA player, works for the Sonics, named Reuben Patterson.

She doesn't know shit about sports at all. She doesn't follow it. She's from Seattle but doesn't know shit about the Sonics or sports and doesn't care. Next day, Jenny, this is January 5, 2000, Jenny goes to the Patterson home to do an interview. She's probably like me, by the way, going, wait,

they're called the Supersonics and they play basketball and their mascot is a Wookiee? Yeah, this makes, nothing makes sense. I'm out. I'm not paying attention.

Fuck it. I don't care who plays for them. Fuck them. I don't care. Oklahoma deserves this horseshit. Oklahoma deserves that. This is what they deserve. Bullshit.

So she didn't know anything. Like I said, she didn't know who he was. The next day she goes to their home, to the Patterson home. Jenny goes there. She meets their fiance, his fiance, Shannon, who now he's got a fiance. He's got three children that they need to watch after. His 13-year-old brother, who he is legal guardian over. So that's nice.

He's taking care of his brother. His mother's dead. His mother's dead. So good for him. He took him in. Shannon's seven-year-old boy from her previous relationship. And Shannon and Ruben have a five-month-old girl together. Right.

I don't know what happened to the first kid. That kid's fucking. Oh, she's off with the mom. She's swept under the rug in Independence College or whatever, Cincinnati. She's fucking off somewhere else. She's out of sight, out of mind. What are you going to do? What daughter?

She didn't deserve anything is what it was, I think. That's probably the problem. She's probably from Oklahoma. Probably. So, yeah, they're doing all of this. They have this interview. Jenny and Shannon hit it off. They like each other. They're around the same age. Oh, boy. doing all of this. They have this interview. Jenny and Shannon hit it off. They like each other.

They're around the same age. Oh, boy. They know each other. They're comfortable. Everything's fine. Jenny has been around kids. I guess Jenny handles the five-month-old baby really well, knows how to hold him, knows how to feed him, does the whole thing.

So you look, and the kid calms down. So this is a good- She'll do. This is great, right? So they talk So like this, this is a good. She'll do. This is great. Right. So they talk for two hours, which is, that's a, it's a hell of an interview. It's a long interview. Well, you got to think you're getting the job at that point.

Cause if you lose, you're like, I wasted two fucking hours here. If I didn't get the job. After, after minute 20, you got to be like fucking slam dunk. I'm in here. I'm in this shit. So Shannon, what she does is she decides that that other nanny who they were waiting for to get back from vacation, not going to hire her anymore. Fuck her. She can go.

It's all about Jenny. Permanent position for Jenny. She's supposed to be home with the baby during the day, pick up the boys after school, do homework with them, cook dinner, and deliver the boys to doctor's appointments and sports practices and do groceries. Basically be a house person. What's the mom doing? Nothing. Nothing at all? Nothing.

She's marrying an NBA star. She's marrying an NBA star is basically what she's doing at this point. This is bananas. I don't know if she's starting a fucking business or whatever she's doing, but I assume. She just passed off all mother duties to somebody else. All everything duties. All father duties. All everybody duties.

Grocery shopping. Everything. Basically what I'm hiring you for is to be my husband's wife, except for fuck him. Don't do that. I'll do that part. I'm going to got that, and you do this. I'm going to got that. I'm going to get that.

I'm going to got that. So she told Jenny that there's going to be some overnights, as well as you traveling with them if they need her on the road to do something. Her hours would range between 40 and 60 hours a week. It's a heavy job. And pay is $12 an hour. Oh, my God. Which seems terrible.

What the fuck, you cheap bastards. For a wealthy person to pay someone to run your entire house and take care of all your children. That seems like a low estimate. You do everything for $12 an hour, and I'm going to sit right here. Yeah. And Jenny said, great, deal, done. What? On the spot.

Didn't even say I need a night to think about it. Accepted. She just needed 40 hours a week. She just needed money, income, and she didn't have it. So she's like, this is 40 to 60 hours a week of guaranteed income. By the way, no overtime. No overtime. No, they're not going to pay her shit. They don't need her time and a half. No, not going to pay her shit. They're going to tell her she can have a fruit by the foot in there if you want.

You can take an extra thing of fruit snacks if you really want to. That's what we're going to do here. We have snack wells. You can feel free. They're yours. if you really want to. That's what we're going to do here. We have snack wells. You can feel free. They're yours. Feel free. Mikasa Sukasa. No doubt. So she hasn't even met Ruben this, Jenny.

Ruben is on the court for Seattle doing very well. He's getting into the groove here. He plays in 81 games, so that's good. 74 starts. He's a fucking starter now. He's playing almost the whole game. Going from 25. nine minutes a game. Eleven point six points a game.

Five point four rebounds. Holy shit. One point six assists. One point two steals. I never heard of the guy. That's a legit career. I don't know because he was pretty known. But so that's a pretty legit season right there for a guy in his second year.

This was at the end of the run of Seattle in Seattle. Yeah. And also, too, this was shortly after the lockout, which was the time that I was like, I'm not going to pay attention to fucking sports that are going to do this shit to the fans. I checked out for about three years after. I wasn't even about to. It's so hard to give a fuck. Yeah.

It was just, it wasn't there on Sunday afternoons or Saturday afternoons when I wanted to watch it on NBC and whatever. I was like, all right, well, fuck these people. I was just i there it wasn't there on sunday afternoons it's our saturday afternoons and i wanted to watch it on nbc and whatever it was like all right well fuck these people it's not i was just mad it's not a fucking madman where they i wanted it back they play it for 10 weeks and then it's over yeah this is fucking six or eight months of your life that might be what it is but seattle that year uh they go to the playoffs yeah too so he's in the playoffs they lose in round one to utah which whatever that's not great uh ruben in the playoffs, too. So he's in the playoffs. They lose in round one to Utah, which, whatever, that's not great. Ruben in the playoffs averages 8.2 points a game in five games. It's a five-game series in the playoffs. He makes $900,000 for that year.

Not bad. Not too bad. You can afford to pay more than $12 an hour. You can. You can fuck, especially for what this poor girl has to fucking do. Do everything. June 11, 2000. Ruben is with his friend Melvin Scott. They are at a Cleveland nightclub. poor girl has to fucking do, do everything. June 11, 2000. Okay.

Reuben is with his friend Melvin Scott. They are at a Cleveland nightclub. Yeah. Bad sign right away. Went back home. You live in Seattle. You went back home. You went to Cleveland to go out at night.

If he's going to church the next morning is the only way this could get worse for him. The only thing good that happens in Cleveland for a basketball player happens in the fucking arena. Then you get the fuck out of town. Yeah, when you get traded from there. Right, right. Hey, congratulations. Look at you. That's great. You got traded.

That's when it's good. So he's with his friend Melvin Scott. Ruben is outside of a Cleveland nightclub, and they run into a guy named Kevin Lewis. Now, Kevin Lewis is the owner of a sporting goods shop in Cleveland. They sell mostly clothes. It's called Gear to Go. It's a clothing goods shop there. And this Kevin Lewis is handing out store flyers in the morning. It's like

in the middle of the night, we should say, to people who are leaving the bar. Which is an odd thing when someone's shit-faced stumbling out of a bar, you hand them something and go, you need some sporting goods tomorrow? What, a jockstrap? Like they're going to remember that and go, oh, yeah, I need to go. No, that's not going to happen. You don't remember what happened last night.

You're going to wake up and go, what the fuck is this? Why do I have basketball short magazines? Why do I have a sporting goods pamphlet in my pocket here? So he's handing out these outside of the Flats Nightclub, which is like an old, apparently an old warehouse district turned into an entertainment district. This is not how Under Armour got into stores. No, no, no, no, no. So Lewis here, the guy who owns the store, says he saw a man use a key to scratch the

rear of a Mercedes. He saw him key a car or somebody. Lewis later recognized Patterson when he walked out to the car and told him what happened. Lewis said he saw him walk up to the car because he's been standing there the whole time handing out flyers. And he saw the guy walk up and he goes, hey, man, I saw a guy fucking key your car before just to let you know. Because I guess Ruben didn't even notice it. He was just walking to the car. It's the middle of the night.

It's dark. And he goes, I saw a guy key your car. You may want to check and see if there's any damage of the whole thing, which seems like a nice gesture, I would say. Instead, Ruben accused Lewis of being the guy who did it. Oh, shit. Which, why would he walk up and tell you, I saw a guy key your car, check for damage? He would just let you walk away or drive away. So he said he did it, and Kevin Lewis said, I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm trying to tell you, and Ruben's drunk, and he's mad, and he starts whooping this guy's ass. Really? And he's a big guy, as we know, 6'5", 225. He disarmed a man with scissors. He's tough. That's what I mean. This is a smaller guy, and Lewis absolutely beats his ass.

The guy ends up with a broken thumb. Wait, Lewis beats Patterson's ass? Patterson beats Lewis. Patterson beats Lewis. Gotcha. All right. Patterson. So Ruben beats up Lewis here, goes at him.

Lewis ends up with a broken thumb. Holy shit. He needs surgery to repair his jaw because it's fractured in two places and had to be wired shut for two months. Oh, my God. So he beat this guy really good. Scott, the guy he was with, the guy Ruben was with, said he was outside the club. He said he didn't play any role in the assault.

He said, quote, I walked away. I saw the guy by Ruben's car. Ruben was hot. He went for the guy, and I tried to hold him back, but Ruben pushed me out of the way. And, yeah. Silver lining, though, Lewis, sometimes after your jaw is wired shut, you sound really fucking cool. Maybe. Like 50 Cent and Kanye.

Granted, some dumb shit comes out of Kanye's mouth. But the way he talks is because that shit's been wired shut. That's amazing. Sometimes that wired shut stuff makes you- I think he would rather not be punched by a 6'5", 250, 25-pound man for no reason in the middle of the night while he's trying to hand out flyers. He would rather not, probably, I'm thinking. Probably rather have his clothing in a fucking footlocker somewhere rather than having his

mouth wired shut. So, yeah, you know. So, basically, Patterson, later on, the police give him a call and say, we'd like to chat with you down here, you know, whatever. So he shows up with two attorneys, Ruben does, and tells a detective that he saw a fight last night, but he wasn't involved.

I saw it, but it was another NBA star. Ask these two guys. They'll tell you. Yeah, these guys here. He uh his friend restrained him and later his friend this is a friend who wasn't there by the way a friend named lamont johnson that wasn't the guy he went with that was scott uh he said uh that this guy showed up at the police station with one of the same attorneys that patterson had and confirmed patterson's story. Why? Yeah. How do you know? And both and they both said both of these guys, Johnson and Patterson, both blamed it on Melvin Scott.

They said he was the one fighting and he's like, I didn't fight. Tried to fucking hold you back. Like now he's trying to fuck his friends. Unbelievable. A lot of this we're going to get into. And I feel like because we're going to talk about this in a little while here. A lot of this is a man. Don't fuck up the gravy train.

You like this fucking gravy train. You better pretend like I am driving it smooth as a motherfucker because if you rock the boat, you're not going to be on it anymore. Rock the boat, you get no gravy. And you could knock me off the gravy train and then nobody gets any gravy. That's what he's saying. So he's like, everybody better cover for my shit. Everybody gets gravy as long as I get the gravy. That's what it is.

And he's like, gravy? That sounds delicious. Let's go to dinner. That's sounds delicious. Let's go to dinner. That's fucking ridiculous. Let's go to Perkins. Patterson. No. Patterson.

Worst place ever. They put gravy on everything. They put it on your bread bowl. Fucking Perkins. Jesus, I hate Lincoln, Nebraska. What is good to eat here? We got a Perkins. All right, then.

So blow my brains out and then fucking drive to the next exit? Great. Thanks. Not eating your fucking Perkins. Got a nice restaurant. They just put in a Perkins. Fuck you. It's 2015.

What are you talking about, Perkins? God damn you people. No one wants Perkins. God damn it. So anyway here, Patterson wouldn't speak publicly about the assault. He told the Sonics he was innocent. He said that he was there, but he wasn't involved in anything that was alleged.

It's alleged bullshit, everybody. All alleged bullshit. Just alleged bullshit. Everybody, nothing to see here. Just alleged bullshit. Yeah, that's fucking great. The general manager, Wally Walker, told reporters that that's what he said.

That's what Rubin said. And he said, quote, that's all we know about it. So he's like, just going to let him play. Doesn't care. Bullshit. Get on the court. That's it. September 19th, Rubin Patterson of 2000.

Rubin is charged with assault for breaking Kevin Lewis's jaw. Yeah. They do charge him with assault. They find out he did it. They also indict. The grand jury also indicts Melvin Scott, this poor bastard, on a felonious assault charge. Each

charge carries a sentence of two to eight years maximum in prison. Kevin Lewis, back to the clothing store guy here, he said that Patterson was among a group of men who attacked him, he said. So he said it was, all of them were kicking my ass. Not just him, not just him and him tons of

everybody tons of people kicked my ass broken jaw thumb they're whooping my ass in the street for no reason rough week for him now real quickly though being the guy that keyed the car if you're seeing this shit in the news how shitty must you feel yeah or like i'm telling anybody shit, but I feel really bad for that guy's job. That guy got fucked up. Yeah, the picture of him on TV because they had all sorts of press coverage of this. He's looking at his key with black fucking chunks of paint in it going, oh, that was a bad idea. Not a good idea. Yeah, it has to be black.

You know it's a black Mercedes. Yeah, of course it is. Because I would buy a black Mercedes because that's the coolest looking one. But I played in the fucking NBA. I'm driving a black Mercedes. Yeah, me too. Me too. Definitely.

So six days later, that was September 19, 2000. Six days later, September 25, 2000. Okay. So this is an interesting week. This is right before the season starts. He's back in Washington now. He is at home. Shannon, his girlfriend, fiance, is in the hospital getting a, quote, elective procedure.

So she's getting tits maybe. She's getting tits installed or something. One of those abortions. She probably have kids, I think. It's more of a, she's in the hospital. That's an outpatient procedure. That's a good point. She's getting some tits or she's getting like a face thing.

Labiaplasty. Something maybe. Yeah, yeah. She's bleaching her asshole real, real, like a nice pale. A deep bleach. It's a bleach. Yeah, it's a deep bleach. It's like a six month or at last. It's not a top coat. You can bleach. It's a bleach. Yeah, it's a deep bleach. It's like a six-month or at last.

It's not a top coat. You can't just lick your finger and wipe it off. That's not going to do it. No, it's not going to do it. I don't want a top coat. I want the undercarriage. Everything underneath. So Jenny is there, the babysitter.

I need a good primer bleach. I got to do that. That's what we do. We put a primer down. You really singe off any of the pigment that you might have on your asshole. Singe the pigment. Your asshole is albino when they're done with it. Do you understand?

It looks transparent. It's opaque. You're like, what is going on? I can see your colon. Right through your stink star. It's amazing. It's wild. As somebody quoted my, the pert pink asshole.

Somebody said they woke up and heard that like the first word out of the podcast. I said, I'm sorry. I think that was mine. You have a pert clear asshole. That's amazing. Crystal clear. So while she's there getting her asshole bleached, just a fine, fine white, just like rice. Jenny, the babysitter, is at the house.

Of course she is. Of course she is. She's watching the children. For $12 an hour. $12 an hour, man. From a man that made a million. Can you imagine? What a cheap dick.

What a dick. So she's watching. I hope it was her boyfriend that keyed his fucking car. That's who I hope it was. He's paying her $24,000 a year. It's like, gee, thanks. So she's checking i hope it was her boyfriend that keyed his fucking car that's what i hope he's paid her 24 grand a year it's like gee thanks so she's checking on the on the baby at this point uh patterson comes up from behind her ruben comes up from behind her and puts his arms around her from behind and says come on let's do it is what he says to her this is at midnight yeah okay too this is you're in checking on the baby.

It's midnight. This guy's wife's in the hospital, and he puts his arm. And he's huge, and she's small, too. I think she's like 5'2", they said. Oh, my God. He puts his arms around her. And says, come on, let's do it. And she's like, give me a raise?

Is that what we're doing? Well, at this moment is when she notices that he is, as she put it, quote, immensely naked. You have to have quite the cock on you for your nudity to be considered immense. We'll put it that way, first of all. Immensely naked. That's way more naked than usual. Wow. Unbelievable.

You have to be showing your bleached asshole for that to be immensely naked. Like, how big does your cock have to be before he's like, he was naked immensely. How naked was he? It touched the back of my knee. Fuck, man. I felt it on my Achilles. So this is terrible what he's doing. But immensely naked.

I don't care if we're in the middle of the most horrific story ever of babies being trampled upon. If someone says immensely naked i'm gonna fucking laugh i don't care i'm sorry it's just the way it is it's gonna happen could she just not be like she accepted a 12 an hour paying job she may not be the brightest person in the world maybe she thought immensely meant something else possibly well she wasn't because she was going to college. She was trying. Giantly naked. What do you mean, giantly naked?

Big naked. Just huge. Big. Big naked. She's all... Big, big. Big, big. You know, big. Big naked.

So much naked. The biggest naked ever. Huge. Huge naked. So Jenny resists this. She's not into it. Patterson picks her up. Of course he does.

And carries her into another room. The man has chokeslammed a woman. Yeah, onto a trunk out of a car. He takes her out of the room, which at least he takes it out of the baby's room, thankfully. But he places, as this is out of the police report here, places his hands on either side of her face. And the defendant pushed her head toward his penis. Okay? Yeah.

This says, at the end of this, it says that although his penis touched her mouth, she continued to resist and within moments was able to break free, to which Patterson, Rubin urged her not to tell anyone. He said, I don't tell anyone. I just stuck my dick in your mouth. Turns out, if you read further into it, he did more than that. That was a cut to the Chase newspaper article. But when you get into the legal shit, the way they put it was he, quote,

digitally penetrated her and forced oral copulation. So he fingered her and stuck his dick in her mouth. That's fucking terrible to do to the babysitter or any woman against their will, but especially some poor person who's trying to make money for college who's in your house taking care of your fucking kids. And the newspaper said, although it touched her mouth, although his penis touched her mouth, she continued to resist and within moments was able to break free to where he said, hey, don't tell anyone

I just did that shit. The newspaper makes it sound like she kept her mouth closed and he just like... He was like, come on, honey. And she was like... No! I think that's what happened. So this... We're making fun of it. That's terrible. That's scary.

That's violent as fuck. Yeah, I would say. I mean, afterwards, thankfully he didn't like then punch her or smack her around or something. Or choke slam her. Yeah, he then made the decision, shit, try to keep it quiet instead of anything else. Oh no, this was a bad mistake. Oh no, oh boy. This was an immense mistake.

Oh, so 2000-2001 season, we're still in here. Now we're starting that season. That's right after this, this happens. 2000-2001 season with Seattle. starting that season. That's right after this. This happens. 2000, 2001 season. Real quickly. Let's go back to this. Yeah.

To be. Oh, we'll be back there plenty. Don't worry. It's coming up again. The fucking balls on the guy to just walk up to a woman naked. He must have had some cues that he misread. You know what I mean? First of all, he drinks constantly.

Okay. He's had a bunch of drinks. It's midnight in his own house thinking he's hot shit NBA star with some 23-year-old girl watching his kid. He just walked up and was like, damn. He probably said, look at that ass right there. Come on, baby. Let's do it.

Then he just walked up. That pick-up line has worked before. I think it has. I guarantee it has. So I think he thought that she was going to be like, yeah. You're damn right. Let's do it. With alcohol and everything else.

And she was like, the fuck off of me. What are you doing? Or she's five-two, 22 years old, probably felt that thing on her ankle and was like, this isn't even a possibility. This isn't going to happen at all. Sorry. That thing's bigger than I am. Yeah. Two things of equal size can't occupy the same space.

It's not going to work. I'm in college. I'm reading Einstein. I did go to college. I know these things. I't occupy the same space. It's not going to work. I'm in college. Physics here. I'm reading Einstein. I did go to college. I know these things. I'm in the medical field. So January 29, 2001 is the court for the Cleveland assault in the street. He pleads guilty to misdemeanor assault to this.

He's sentenced to one year probation for this uh he had a six month prison sentence but it was suspended by the judge he suspends it uh judge david judge david mattia of cuyahoga county uh but he will also have to pay one thousand dollar fine and do 80 hours of community service on that so he got off pretty easy for fucking a guy up in the street yeah the guy's also going to sue him, too. He's going to sue him civilly. Now, February 1st, 2000, this is a couple days later, three days later, he's convicted of assault.

NBA announces that he's going to be, Rubin is suspended for three games for the assault, for the conviction. For the wired shot. For the wired shot, jaw. Total on the season, he plays in 76 games, 22 games started, 27.1 minutes a game. So his minutes are actually up. 13 points, five rebounds, 2.1 assists, 1.4 steals. Wow.

That is playing some D. And this is the time he starts calling himself the Kobe stopper. Oh, no. Yeah. This is his self-given nickname. He still does it today. And he's in the West. On the Kobe stopper.

On the Kobe stopper. Because also, we'll get to it in their own words later, but he talks about how during practice when he was on the Lakers that year, he knew how to get in Kobe's head. And he knows all about Kobe. And he's the Kobe stopper. And every time Kobe plays against them, he drops fucking 40 on them. I hate him. And hits the game-winning shot just to tell Ruben to eat shit every time.

I hate him so much. Yeah, so do I. And tell Ruben to eat shit every time. I hate him so much. Yeah, so do I. And it has nothing to do with forcing himself on women at this point. Basketball-wise, he's a fucking douche. His ego is out of control. Oh, I would say. This year, he makes $990,000 for this season. My God, he's making a million dollars a year.

It's going up, but it's about to get bad for him. May 8th, 2001, Ruben is charged with trying to rape the nanny. Good. Now he's charged. Guess who he's got as lawyer? Still John Wolfe. Really? Still John Wolfe from college.

Still got that guy. Still got him off in college. Why not? Silver hair all the way, baby. That's my man. Riding that silver streak right to fucking freedom. He said the player is, this was, because he had been charged before, but they had been talking about it, basically. They were waiting to charge him to see if they could get a plea bargain out of him.

So they charge him. Based on the player is going to, based on Ruben here, is going to enter a plea for which he, it's an Alford plea, as we've talked about before. Not admitting guilt, but saying that there's sufficient evidence for a jury to convict him. I'm not saying I did it, but I'm saying I might get tossed up the river anyway. So I'm going to say whatever and we're going to call it even. So the prosecutor says that he obviously attempted to engage in intercourse with her. He said of this now after this, he's free on his own recognizance until they work out the next week. They're going to do everything.

And he's to have no contact with the nanny or any other witnesses. Obviously, Wally Walker, the Sonic CEO and general manager. You think he would have a lot to say about this? Yeah. Holy shit. This is so unacceptable. It's not even fucking a guy that's playing in every game during the season. I have my scissors out and I'm going to get all you fuckers.

This is true. game during the season. I have my scissors out and I'm going to get all you fuckers if this is true. So he says, quote, as an organization, any legal situation regarding an employee including Sonics and WNBA Storm players is treated very seriously. We also want to reemphasize

that our organization will impose a disciplinary penalty should he return to the Sonics next season. How about that? The WNBA takes a fucking jab too. Yeah, he takes it. He's like, listen. If any of those big horse women do that, I'll fucking suspend them, too. I don't care if you're playing the NBA

or you're a lesbian. It doesn't matter. I'll fucking cut all of you. Don't care. Every one of you fuckers. Jesus Christ. Jesus, what a dick. Why do you have to bring the WNBA into it?

Why? Well, because he owns them. I get it. Anything under my umbrella, there's some shit. I get it, but they didn't fuck up. Leave them alone. They didn't do it. They did nothing wrong.

Those nice ladies in the... Sorry we called you horses and lesbians, WNBA. I mean, the majority of them, but... Your sport is unwatchable, but it's fine. It is god-awful. I would rather watch kids play jacks that have had head injuries. I don't want to watch a layup contest. Get the fuck out of my life.

I would rather watch four developmentally disabled children play jacks than watch WNBA. I don't want to watch you miss fucking 60 shots a game. So May 15, 2001 is rape court. All right. We're in rape court. All right. It's like the people's court, but a little more disgusting. And it smells like poop in there.

So Patterson comes into court holding his wife's hand. The whole deal. She's right there supporting him. He wept like crazy as he entered his plea on a third-degree rape charge. You should see him weeping. It's really some sorry fucking sack of shit sight. Oh, God. It's so pathetic did the

wife bend over and go but look at my asshole look at it it's fucking bleached so beautifully uh she was there shannon yeah she frowned and got all angry when the prosecutor argued uh that the nanny lost uh her uh you know lost all this stuff out of this whole deal she was like making faces like what the fuck she lose uh? She doesn't give a fuck, Shannon. She's got her husband's back. Once again, this gravy train. You betcha. You want to be on it.

Keep it rolling. Make sure it's on the tracks. Ding, ding. Let's go. She's even talking for him. She says, quote, I'm here today because I do not believe Ruben raped or attempted to rape our former nanny. If I honestly believed he committed those crimes, I would have taken our children away

from him a long time ago. I love my husband and I believe he's done the right thing for our family to put this matter behind us. Did she quit or did they fire her? I assume they fired her. I hope she quit. I hope she quit. Yeah, but the way she sounded, it's like we got rid of her over this. Yeah, she was not okay with this.

His agent here, obviously, said that his client badly wants to clear his name, but a trial would have presented greater risks. And he just said he also accused the Bellevue Police Department of wrongfully releasing false information. He says John Wolfe, as Patterson's other attorney, says it was a routine case

until the police department decided they didn't like the deal that had been reached with the prosecutor's office, so they started releasing, you know, facts of the case. Yeah. We can't have those out there. Info. Yeah. He stuck his finger in her.

We don't want anyone to know about it. This is messed up. He mashed his cock into her face until it went in her mouth. He should be able to do that without being judged is all I'm saying for his actions. It's ridiculous. Haven't you done that before? Jesus Christ. So now we get to sentencing.

Patterson is sentenced to one year of prison. Okay. But, but, there's a big but. How much is suspended? Judge Gaines suspends 350 of the days. What the fuck? Out of 365. He gets 15 days.

And placed Patterson on two-year probation for this. But the thing is, you know what he does? He doesn't even serve anything. He serves 15 days of house arrest. Probation for this. But the thing is, you know what he does? He doesn't even serve anything. He serves 15 days of house arrest. So he has to stay home for two weeks. That's his penalty. You stay inside for two weeks and you catch up on all your TV shows.

You sit in a place where you almost raped her. Un-fucking-believable, man. Almost. He did rape her. Yeah. Yeah. He was trying to rape her pretty good. Yeah. Unbelievable.

Maximum punishment for third-degree rape was a year in jail and a $5,000 fine. He actually kind of shook his head a little bit when the judge gave him the 15 days and told him that he had to register as a sex offender also because, duh, you're a fucking sex offender now. Because you're a sex offender. Yeah. He's going to pay the maximum fine and court fees, and this is what the nanny gets out of this thing, thing 500 in lost wages she's gonna sue him civilly too don't worry but that's what she gets out of this 500 bucks in

lost wages what the fuck yeah uh yeah he was convicted of i mean granted they went fucking super light on like super light is not even how to describe it. No, that was ridiculous. $500 in lost wages. That's it. That is so fucked up. Here you go, money, 500 bucks. That's disgusting. Deal with that. Unreal, man. So, yeah, and also, too, he has to begin serving the sentence by July 17th,

and he could get five days off for good behavior. So he's going to do 10 days. How do you not behave well in your own house? You're home. What do you do? What did he do? He left dishes in the sink. He's fucking, it's an extra two days. He got a year for bad behavior. How about fucking. What do you do? What did he do? He left dishes in the sink. It's an extra two

days. He got a year for bad behavior. How about fucking making him do a year? They have a probation hearing to determine whether he is placed under house arrest or work release or all that and it ended up being house arrest. The judge said he took into account a letter from the victim and her parents

which she asked Patterson to be sentenced to jail. And then he did nothing with that. He took those recommendations very seriously. I've taken your recommendation for jail very seriously, and I'm going to give him none. I'm going to give him nothing. I'm going to tell him he can stay home and watch TV for a while. Sounds like that judge has raped somebody.

Probably. The nanny's lawyer even, Jan Olson, said, I think she'll be very satisfied with Judge Gaines' ruling. I think she's doing better. She's involved with the healing process. She's still involved in counseling. Brutal. Yeah, brutal, man. So the Patterson's team says they expect the civil suit coming here pretty soon.

His lawyer had asked for a 12-month deferred sentence and 240 hours community service total. The judge refused, saying community service wouldn't be appropriate because the NBA already makes them do that shit. Also, too, I don't want to put a sex offender and force him into places with the community. That's the other thing. He said also that a deferred sentence would have been considered only if Patterson had not already been in trouble with the law, you know, everything else. He says, the judge tells him, you've got work to do, particularly with your family. Yeah, stop raping babysitters. Particularly with society. Stop being so fucking violent.

But he, Ruben, that's the truth. Ruben, though, he is a good guy, he says. He says he's a good guy. He's out up there. He's got his suit on. He's crying. And he says he did not participate and does not participate in any criminal activity in their own words. Oh, boy.

In their own teary eyed words, because he's crying when he says this. Quote, I did not commit a criminal act. I did engage in an act of consensual sex and I cheated on my wife. I would like to apologize to everyone I have hurt for my stupid decision, including my wife, family, team, fans, for my terrible mistake. I cheated, and I have learned a very painful lesson. He didn't even apologize for mashing his cock into her face. Nope. Not at fucking. That was consensual,

man. I'm fine. I did nothing wrong. I committed no criminal act. Look at me. I'm perfect. Wait till you hear what he says when he gets signed by a team soon. Holy shit. If you don't know when Crystal Pepsi was discontinued, what was in Al Capone's vault, or which famous meteorologist is Lenny Kravitz's second cousin,

then you haven't spent enough time on Wikipedia. But that's okay. I am here for you. I'm Darcy Carden, and I'm inviting you to listen to my new podcast, WikiHole, from Smartless Media. Discover the craziest rabbit holes onipedia with me and my funny friends as we bring the cyber frontier directly to your tympanic membrane and if you listen to my podcast

you'd learn that that's the sciency term for eardrum we embark on a hyperlink roller coaster as we start out on a wikipedia page and go from link to link to link to link careening through trivia oddities and unexpected connections until we collectively shout, how the hell did we get here? Follow WikiHole on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to WikiHole ad-free

by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. The wait is over. So far, you're not losing. The only thing you're losing is my patience. Quickly, I see that. Bing! The queen of the courtroom is back.

I didn't do anything. You wouldn't know the truth if it came up and slapped you in the face. I see he's not intimidated by anything. I can fix that. New cases. She wanted to fight me. Leave her alone. Okay, so, um... This is not a so. This is a period.

Classic Judy. Did you sleep with her? Yes, Your Honor. You married his cousin. His brother. That's not him. Yes, ma'am. I would make a beeline for the door.

The Emmy Award-winning series returns. How did I know that I have crystal ball in my head? It's an all-new season. It's streaming. You can say anything. Judy Justice, only on Freebie. And now back to the show. And now back to the show. At this point, he is a registered sex offender. And the league releases a statement saying out of the 400 players, he is the only registered sex offender. That's it.

Ouch. So he's the only one in a major sports league. I mean, every league gets one MVP a year. Yeah, that's true. So he can take it as a badge of honor. He's, every league gets one MVP a year. Yeah, that's true. So, I mean, he can take it as a badge of honor. He's an MVP of sorts, we'll say. Most violent player. Yeah.

So, July 30th, 2001. He's a free agent now. Who the fuck wants this guy? Who? He's played two years. Who the fuck wants him? Half decent, but it's not like he's scoring 35 points a game and it's worth it. You know what I mean? It's not like he's Marvin Barnes back in the day

and he's going to change your team. Pistons, maybe? No! The Trailblazers, of course. Portland. The old Jailblazers are back. Not only do they sign him, they say we need to sign him to a big deal. Why just sign him for... Let's give him six years,

$33.8 million fucking dollars. They're going to pay him over $5 million a year. A month after he's a registered sex offender, he pleaded guilty to rape and guilty to assault, they're going to give him $34 million. My mind is so blown right now. What are they thinking? What are you thinking? He fits right in.

He does fit in with the group, definitely. At the press conference for his signing, he stands up in front of the media and everybody and says, quote, I'm not no bad guy. I'm not no rapist. I'm a great guy. Yeah. That's what he says. No, you're a rapist. I'm a great guy.

You're a registered sex offender making you a rapist. You're a bad guy. I do not agree. I'm not no bad guy. He says it right there. He's right. He's not no bad guy. No, he's really not.

Yeah, he explained to everyone as he signs his $33.8 million contract. His wife is there, too. His wife sticks up for him. Gravy trains are rolling. Of course she does. She's got $16 million. That's right. She said, quote, Ruben's a good guy. He really is. He just made some bad choices and made some mistakes. Everyone

does. I hope that the fans and the community will open their hearts to us because we are good people. Honestly. That's what she had to end it with. Honestly. I swear. Seriously. By that logic, Ted Bundy's a good person.

He's a good guy. He's made some mistakes. He's made everyone. He's made so many mistakes. As she says, what did she say here? He's just made some bad choices and made mistakes. Everyone does. Who doesn't?

Everyone does. So John't? Everyone does. So John Wayne Gacy, you know what? He should really... Albert Fish, he was a great guy. He's a decent fella. Sure, he barbecued a child's ass. Everyone made some mistakes. Everyone made... I mean, yes, Fritzl locked his daughter in the basement and killed babies.

You know what? Everyone makes mistakes. Ariel Castro kidnapped several girls, kept them for 20 years. That was a big mistake. That's it, man. But listen, he's a great suicide artist. Good, good guy. He was really good at suicide.

Excellent. Really good. Top notch. Top tier right there. All-star. So 2001-2002 season. Oh, fuck. First year with his big money.

He's suspended for the first five games of the season by the league for that pesky rape charge. Yeah. They had to give him something. They tend to hang around. Yeah. Portland this year had Pippen, Steve Kerr, the coach of the Golden State Warriors, Sean Kemp and his 14,000 children, Rasheed Wallace. Yeah. And is getting arrested every other day.

Guy's a great player, though. Damon Stoudemire, who got arrested every other day. All the time. Zach Randolph. Wow. Wow, is he going to be a great crime and sports episode. Really? I didn't realize what a fucking loon he was.

Really? Wow, did I read a lot about him. He's going to be so much fun. And Dale Davis and Sabonis. Oh, Arvida Sabonis. Yeah, the big European there. So that's their team. So it's a fun team.

Where was he from? Arvida Sabonis? Shit, I don't remember. Was he from Croatia or some more shit? Yeah, I think that's where it. So it's a fun team. Where was he from? Was he from Croatia or some horse shit? I don't remember where he was. No. We're thinking of Kukoc. Yeah, Kukoc. I don't remember where he was.

Fucking weird place. Some weird shithole. He dumped. It's Oklahoma City he's from. Don't worry about it. So he continues to call himself the Kobe stopper. I'm here to stop Kobe. And he says in their own words, quote, it all started my rookie year.

Ever since training camp and practice, he's been arrogant. I just try to play physical with him. I can tell he was frustrated. You know, Kobe, he talks a lot. Yeah, he does. He's like, I'll get up in his head. Yeah, he's going to get all up in his head. I think he's jealous that he got away with rape.

It's true. Yeah, he's like, I'll get that. It just didn't happen yet. Later on, he'll be jealous. So he's jealous that he got away with rape. It's true. He's like, I'll get that. It just didn't happen yet. Later on he'll be jealous. So he's sitting here. He had his rape charge. He had a little bump in the road. Makes mistakes. Everyone does. Assault and all this. He's good now.

That's what he's saying. That's what it is. I'm good now. I'm all about Kobe and the team and the game. And then November 25th 2002 Shannon, his wife, calls police to their home. Of course. She calls 911 saying that he was hitting her. She forgot he's not a good guy.

Yeah, he's not a good guy. I changed my mind. He's a bad guy. Bad guy. Somebody give me 16 mil so I can get out of this. He makes a lot of mistakes all the time. He's making one now. He's making one now.

Make it stop. He just made another. My face hurts. Poor lady. Jesus Christ. So he's hitting her repeatedly. And she also said that he had hit her for the last five years. Of course. So she's

just letting it fly on the phone. They come. He's arrested for the whole deal. She has minor injuries that are treated. He's taken to Washington County Jail, where he is released after teammate Derek Anderson posts $1,000 in bail. Really?

So he had to call his teammate to come drop a grand on his bail. Unbelievable. Now, the Blazers, you talk to them, you know, what are they going to say about this? They must be horrible. They said, quote, this is a communications director said, quote, I'm just hearing of this myself. It would be premature for myself or anyone in the organization to comment at any time on this. premature for myself or anyone in the organization to comment at any time on this.

Now, Shannon releases a statement later on saying, my bad. What? She releases a statement through her husband's agent, by the way, through Dan Fagan. She said, quote, I made a statement that was accurate, but in the heat of the moment was incomplete. Ruben and I had a disagreement this evening. I want the public to know that Ruben did not assault me. I love my husband, and this is a private family matter. I'm embarrassed that it became so public, and this is something we are working out privately.

I respectfully request that we be allowed to do so. In other words, he said, motherfucker, this fucking gravy train ain't going to last much longer. You keep calling fucking cops. You want $40 million fucking dollars, $34? Because it's going to go away real fast, motherfucker, if you don't start dropping charges. And she said, my statement was incomplete, I think. Sorry. I left out a few very important details.

Like, he didn't hit me. We're going to handle this matter internally on the gravy train. We're going to do that. It's going to be right in the food cart. Right back there in the caboose. Yeah, that's it. We're going to do it right there. We're going to handle it in the bleached cabo're gonna do it right there we're gonna handle it in in the in the bleached caboose that's who we're gonna handle it the best part of this

is for the blazers it's real easy because they can just this this is a nice concise thing uh pat he's ruben is scheduled to be arraigned on december 6th which is the same day that stata damon stoudemire and rashid wallace are expected to appear in the same court on drug charges so they have a little team reunion at court on the same fucking day. But Washington County prosecutors decided not to pursue felony charges against Rubin, citing lack of evidence after Shannon would not give them shit. After the witness quit. After she quit.

November 2002, right after that, the team fines Rubin $100,000 for the arrest. So he said already, this cost me a fucking $100,000 now. So she probably got a smack again. They released a statement saying they fined him for conduct detrimental to the team, organization, its fans, and the city of Portland. The whole city, God damn it. Besmirched everybody. Besmirching happening left and right. The Blazers also asked Patterson to get counseling.

happening left and right. The Blazers also asked Patterson to get counseling, and if the NBA Players Association agree, he'll be required to participate or face a fine of $10,000 a day until he complies. Stop fucking being violent, asshole. Yeah. Blazers general manager Bob Wissett said, quote, we care about Reuben and his family and want to respect their privacy as they deal with personal issues.

However, each of our players needs to understand that there's a standard of conduct they are expected to maintain as members of our team and community. He doesn't maintain them, and guess what we do? Give him $34 fucking million, because that's what we do here. You hired a rapist. What did you fucking expect? What did you expect? Unbelievable.

His charges are dropped. The other two go to court on December 6th. December 7th, there's a huge billboard in downtown Portland saying, quote, boycott the Blazers. We need a team that can beat L.A., not women in the justice system. Which is a fucking clever billboard. That's a clever billboard. Who the fuck paid for that? Don't know.

That's awesome. Somebody very smart and funny and probably a fan of our show. Let's just say that. Probably a crime and sports movement person. Oh, that's incredible. That's fucking hilarious. That's clever and great. And he had to drive by that guy.

To beat the Lakers. Shit. That would take forever to read, too. I hope they put it up where it's like. Yeah, we need a team that can beat LA, not women in the justice. Like at a light. Yeah. Not just a light.

Somewhere where there's like heavy traffic in the morning. Yeah. Like wherever rush hour is. Oh, wow. oh wow okay you're sitting there for 15 20 seconds now he plays that year 75 games 13 started 23.5 minutes a game 11.2 points four rebounds 1.4 assists 1.1 steal so he plays fine for what he is an all effort defense killing it uh portland goes to the playoffs uh they are swept in round one by the lakers that's when the lakers were unstoppable at this point. We didn't beat the

Lakers. No. He did make Ruben has 5.3 points a game in the series against the Lakers so he does nothing but I think it's okay because it's a little bit mitigated by the 4.5 38 million dollars he made that year. Holy shit. He made a million dollars a minute in the playoffs.

Wow. 2002 2003 season he's with Portland again. Same team except add Quintel Woods to it, who is definitely a future crime and sports. Who the fuck is he? Another guy, future crime and sports subject. Subject episode, right? And he'll make a statement later where you'll know exactly what he did. We'll put it that way.

During the season, by the way, this season, there's a famous picture taken of Ruben standing on the side during the game drinking a beer out of a plastic cup, just taking a sip. And there's fans sitting there pointing at him, like, next to him, and he's just standing there smiling, drinking a beer during the fucking game. It's not a rec league softball game. The only thing missing was a

fucking koozie on the thing. Just like, how you doing out there? That's unbelievable. That's great. It's fucking great. So, the thing. Just like, how you doing out there? This is the keg league. This is the NBA. It's fucking great. So, April 4th, 2003, Patterson is in the locker room fighting with Quintel Woods, his teammate, as one does. That's what you do.

You physically fight your teammates. They're scuffling in the locker room. He's not allowed to hit women or rape them anymore. No, he's like, I've got to beat up a small forward here. I've got to beat up a shooting guard. I think he was a point guard. Anyway. You've got to beat up a small forward here. I've got to beat up a shooting guard. I think he was a point guard. Anyway. You've got to beat up another trailblazer.

You've got to beat up another trailblazer. Why not? So he goes after Woods. He's beating him up. He's bigger than Woods. Two players come and hold Ruben back from attacking him. One grabs one arm, one grabs the other. Like, hey, man, hey, hey, hey.

As this is happening, they're holding Ruben back. Ruben doesn't even see this coming. Zach Randolph is there, who's a big fucking guy. He's a big 6'10", son of a bitch. He's a close friend of Woods. He came up and sucker punched Reuben. Oh, no. Just fucking jacked him, didn't even see it coming.

And the fight was over. The guys were holding Reuben back. It was over. His arms are restrained, and you're getting blasted. Yeah, that's weak shit. Zach Randolph's an asshole, by the way. This isn't the tip of the iceberg for him he's an asshole uh so he did this sucker punches him drawing quote large amounts of blood wow not great uh yeah so back to bob wits wits it here

the general manager who's just constantly as press has to have press releases ready for his fuck up players he says quote while these types of disagreements happen in practice during the course of a season due to the physical and competitive nature of basketball, this instance and this type of behavior will not be tolerated by our organization without the individuals being held accountable for their actions. Again, so Zach Randolph is suspended for two games without pay and fined $100,000. Two games? Two games.

That's nothing. Without pay and $100,000. So basically he probably lost $200,000 on the thing. Which, that's annoying, but he got to sucker punch someone for no reason. I never knew he was such a piece of shit. Oh, he's a total douche. I loved Zach Randolph until we started this shit. This is so many arrests.

So much stupidity. Really? Zach Randolph? Zach Randolph. What? A complete idiot. I never knew either. That shit's been swept under the rug pretty... I've been watching him rain threes the past few years. I love the guy. Ruben suffered a broken left eye socket and missed three road games because of the injury. He does look like kind of a fucking scumbag. He does. He looks like a guy that doesn't take any shit.

No. Well, now I know he starts shit. Well, yeah, and here he's a little worried, Zach Randolph, because he at this point starts basically living at Dale Davis' house to hide because Ruben has threatened to shoot him. Oh, shit. Ruben said he doesn't forget shit and he's looking for fucking Zach. I'm going to catch Zach slipping. I see you outside. I'm going to fucking shoot your ass, so watch out. So Randolph

started hiding in Dale Davis' house, which is fucking hilarious. That year, though, he plays 78 games. Ruben does. 17 started, 21.2 minutes, 8.3 points, 3.4 rebounds, 1.3 assists,.9 steals. So it goes down a little bit. Maybe the broken eye socket might have had something to do with it.

Portland goes to the playoffs. They lose to Dallas in round one again. Ruben has 10 points in that series per game. He makes $4,991,800 for that year. My God. Motherfucker. God damn it. I'd like to make that once.

For raping a girl, he got a five times a year raise. That's all? Yeah. That's what you get. And assaulting some poor guy for no year. My God. Motherfucker. God damn it. I'd like to make that once. For raping a girl, he got a five times a year raise. That's all? Yeah. That's what you get. And assaulting some poor guy for no reason. I can't believe that. It's crazy.

You guys, I've never raped anybody. I've never gotten a raise like that. We are our staunch record of non-rape in crime and sports. I'm killing it. We're crushing right now. MVPs.

Fucking 100% from beyond the arc, baby. Boom. Batting 1,000. Back of the net right there. Nothing but the bottom of the net. So September 8, 2003, it's Portland Trailblazers training camp for the 03-04 season. Reuben Patterson tells the Trailblazers that he wants to be traded. He says he wants to be traded. Even if the team wants to, his contract has four years left where he's scheduled to earn an average of about $5.5 million a season.

So trading this idiot might be difficult. And his agent says, Rubin's agent says, quote, because of the length of his contract and the nature of his contract, there doesn't seem to be a great deal of interest. I've explained to Rubin it's very likely that he will not be traded. And I think his agent, Dan Feagan, is keenly aware of that because I think he's canvassed the NBA as well to determine what level of interest exists. Nobody wants your fucking idiot guy. Patterson couldn't be reached for comment. He moved his family out of Seattle, out of Bellevue there, took them back to Ohio at that point. So, yeah, he's getting out of the Northwest completely. He's acting like he's gone.

One of the reasons he says that he wants to trade is because he doesn't want to be Zach Randolph's teammate because he got sucker punched by him, and he says he really doesn't want to be teammates with this guy. He kind of wants to kill him. So, yeah, April 14th of that year when he's still there, Kobe, he's against Kobe, of that year when he's still there uh kobe he's against kobe and kobe had like a 36 point game and he forces overtime with some crazy three-pointer at the end of regulation over ruben uh kobe does and then uh and then overtime hit a game winner over ruben in overtime too brutal ruben asked kobe for his shoes after the game really he literally gave him like a like you should give me your shoes for that so yeah he says ruben patterson says quote yeah i asked for his shoes after the game. Really? He literally gave him like a like, you should give me your shoes for that.

So yeah, he says, Reuben Patterson says, quote, yeah, I asked for his shoes. I said, you've got to give me your shoes for that one. Okay. Whatever that means. Or he had a flashback to Cleveland when he got robbed for his shoes and chain. Yeah, yeah. He was like, you took enough from me. Give me the shoes. He's good now, though.

You've got to understand, he's good now. We have him in their own words. That's going to tell you all about it. We should all believe him. In their own words, though. You gotta understand, he's good now. We have him in their own words. That's gonna tell you all about it. We should all believe him. In their own words, quote, I don't ever look back. I want people to see the good Ruben. All those things that happened were when I was young and immature and didn't know nothing. That's all behind me. I always look ahead. I'm good

now. Good now. I don't look back because Good Ruben. Right, but I know a girl who if she would have looked back would have seen rape coming, so I don't want back because I know a girl who, if she would have looked back, would have seen rape coming. So I don't want to look back. I don't look back because there's prosecutors back there. Charges. Also, maybe somebody, a larger black man with a larger penis that may rape me.

So later that year, because he's such a good guy, Portland had signed, you know, they signed guys to 10-day contracts to take a look at him. They signed some scrub guy to a 10-day contract. It was probably the biggest thing in this poor guy's life. And what they do is when they have those guys, the equipment guys will leave them a big bag of fucking swag, basically. Here's a big bag of Blazers t-shirts and fucking hats. There's some shit. Here's a bunch of shit. Like, thanks for being on the team.

Congratulations. This is your grace. Yeah. bunch of shit like thanks for being on the team congratulations this is your yeah this is your grace yeah so he left uh his stuff there and ruben decided that he should just take them for himself and he just stole all the guy's shit wow yeah and it didn't tell anybody too they kept asking came out later that they found out that it was him but they were like who stole that dude's that shit was over there he's just like i don't know i have no idea i make five million a year i wouldn't have any idea where that free shit went. So I figured I'd steal a bunch of free shit that I could get any day of the week. He's a cheap fuck.

He's a super cheap fuck. He could just go to the equipment manager and say, hey, can I have that bag too? And the guy would have got it for him. You got another bag of that? You make $5 million a year. They're not going to charge you for it. Go buy the shit. You've got $5 million.

Next year, you're going to make $5 million more. Go buy the shit. You've got $5 million. Next year you're going to make $5 million more. He makes this year $5,445,600 for starting one game. He played in 73, only started one. 6.9 points a game, 3.7 rebounds, 1.9 assists, 1.2 steals. So his score has gone away.

He's just all defense now. All defense now. The next season, 2004-2005, he again says he wants a trade in the beginning. He says that there was some verbal slight made by the general manager, and he also says that he wants 25 minutes a night or a trade. Done. Either way. That's it. That's it. That's the line

he's drawing in the sand. Yep. One of his representatives said, quote, he plays as hard as anybody in the NBA. Anytime he's on the bench, I look down there, I see him. I think they should put him in. I'd go to war with him for 82 games. He's making five mil a year. Who gives a fuck?

Who cares? He should be doing that. He should be giving effort because he does nothing else. My point is, let him fucking sit. Whether he plays or not, he's making five million fucking dollars. I'd be like, I don't give a shit how many minutes you play me. Fuck you. You're the highest played guy.

I couldn't give a shit. I'll sit here the whole game.. You're the highest played guy. I couldn't give a shit. I'll sit here the whole game. You play me two minutes. Play me like the Lakers did back in the day. You're still paying me five mil. Yeah. So during March of the season, the coach, Maurice Cheeks, gets fired. And the team basically cashes in the season.

They say season's over. Re-evaluate for next year. Evaluate new talent type of shit. In other words, we're going to lose for the rest of the season get a better draft spot tank fuckers ruben's pissed yeah publicly pissed he talks shit and then he says he's injured with knee tendonitis which is something that you can't see on anything he misses 11 games he spends the time in ohio with his wife and kids and then later on says he probably shouldn't have missed so many games yeah and he probably did it just because he was pissed so now his attitude is fucking shit, too.

November 30th, 2004. This is wild here. Owner Paul Allen of the Blazers allows a government agent, like a DEA agent, to pose as a member of the Blazers, as a member of the team to take down a drug ring in Portland. Okay. He's awarded a citation, Allen, from the Portland PD in breaking up this. It's a guy named Big Daddy. There's a big drug dealer there.

He gave them uniforms and all sorts of different credentials and all sorts of shit. And they said that was the key component in infiltrating the gang. Did they have to play him? Because they trusted him. They thought they were part of the team. Did they have to play this guy? Did he have to go out on the court and dribble?

No, no. They just said, here, you just say you're a member of the Blazers. Here's all the appropriate credentials. Here's a jersey that has your name on it and all that shit.

And you can give it to one of the guys and be like, yeah, man, here's my jersey and blah, blah, blah. They'd be like, oh, okay. That's authentic.

That's legit. As a drug guy and as somebody that's being impressed. You think you know who's on the team? Yeah, yeah. Somebody that's being impressed by an NBA player, wouldn't you Google that motherfucker? I would imagine so.

Find his college? Find all that shit? He just said it at the time and it seemed believable. It's 2006? Yeah, 2005. What the fuck? And Allen thinks this is great. Paul Allen.

By the way, do you think the players are going to be real happy about this? I'm going to be furious. Okay. Allen said, quote, hopefully this is the beginning of a long and fruitful partnership. Our organization hasn't been in close contact with the police before under different circumstances. Like our players. Like they were fucking arrested. And we are prepared to help out in any way we can.

I would hope that in the future when one of our players is arrested, the police will show us the same kind of cooperation we've shown them. Hold on. This is very important because I think Quintel Woods is about to be arrested. That's his fucking quote. His fucking quote. He said that? His quote.

Paul Allen, billionaire, owner of the fucking, he said, when one of our players is arrested, we hope the police will show us the same type of cooperation. This is very important because I think Quintella and Woods is about to be arrested. He literally fucking said that. Holy fucking shit. How about don't hire criminals, you fucking idiot? Wow. You're a billionaire.

How do you not know that? The Blazers are pissed off. Yeah. Several players ripped Allen for conspiring with the police and, quote, fucking up their shit is what they said. That's the quote in the newspaper. That's some gangster words. Among them was Zach Randolph. He called Allen a traitor.

He said, quote, man, that's just wrong. The way he did that, that's just wrong. We've been loyal to him. And then he turns and goes all Benedict Arnold on us. He got Big Daddy arrested. Our owner got Big Daddy arrested. That's it. I'm taking back that motherfucking linen bed skirt i bought him for christmas that's my favorite fucking line in this entire thing i've been waiting for an hour and 45 minutes to say i'm taking back that motherfucking linen bed skirt i bought him for

christmas that is amazing i'm coming to his house. I'm going to knock on his door and I'm here for the linen bed skirt. Zach Randolph just marching into your house, not saying shit, and just ripping your bed skirt off and walking out. And mean bugging you as he walks away with that shit dragging on your floor. Holy shit. He's that mad. That's why I kind of like Zach Randolph for shit like that, because he's crazy. That's some gangster shit, though.

That's what I mean. He has done some funny, crazy shit, and it's not even about him this episode. Imagine when we do the episode about him. It's going to be amazing. Quintel Woods also was pissed at the incident. You just threw me under the bus. Yeah, just no problem. He said he's, quote, extremely concerned about the collaboration between Allen and the cops.

This is his quote. Woods says, quote, oh, wow, that's not good. I wish he didn't do that. I'm a little concerned about the fact that Big Daddy was arrested. He was the guy that was raising all my fighting pit bulls for me. He's got dozens of them at his safe house. Normally, I would just deny they're mine, but I shaved Quintel into their sides. Plus, I'm pretty sure there's a picture of me on the wall with my face buried in a pile

of powder like Al Pacino in Scarface. What? I just got my Blazers uniform and I'm giving a big thumbs up. I know, I know. We're not very good at being discreet. What can I say? What are you doing? He's in his Blazers jersey in a mountain pile of cocaine and a picture on the wall.

And this guy has your, quote, fighting pitbulls. Gee, you think Quintel Woods got arrested a couple times? What the fuck? You think he's going to be in episode? How the fuck did he just say that to somebody? He said that to a fucking journalist. On the record. Wow.

What the fuck? That's almost as good as that motherfucking linen bed skirt. Now, so shit is going crazy. I'm wearing my own jersey and a fucking picture where my face is buried in coke. Bunch of cocaine. Unbelievable. Now, April 17th, 2005, during this year, there's a fluff piece on Ruben. Somebody said something nice about a rapist.

It's called, quote, cleaning up his act. Oh, boy. And it's picked up by the AP and fucking ran everywhere. Oh, my God. It's all about how he stopped drinking and he's good now. Yeah. It says, Ruben Patterson. How about he stopped raping?

Say that. Listen to how fluffy this is. Quote, Ruben Patterson awoke one day just before the start of the NBA season feeling sick and tired again. Hangovers were just as much as part of his routine as practice. But that day was to be unlike others. Patterson decided he'd had enough of alcohol. Concerned about his legacy as a player, a father, and a man. Patterson resolved to eliminate the demon that has dogged him since he was a teenager.

How fluffy is that? Who wrote this? Holy shit. He quit. He's trying to quit drinking now because when he does, he rapes chicks. That's the fucking way you say it. Who wrote this? Holy shit. He's trying to quit drinking now because when he does, he rapes chicks. That's the fucking way he's saying it. Who wrote this? Wow.

A silver-haired, middle-aged white man, I figure. I'm going to Google it and I'm going to tweet the shit out of that guy. What an asshole. Why would you write that? And the team, too, a guy who's a representative of the Blazers said, quote, Ruben was able to wake up. He has that kind of determination. He saw where his life was going and where his legacy was going to be, and he changed it.

He has that kind of willpower. No, there's just no way as talented as these players are, they can reach their full potential by doing the kinds of things, kinds of detrimental things off the floor. If you truly want to be great, it's the whole package. He says he has many regrets when it comes to drinking, wished he had stopped earlier. Perhaps his life and career would have been better. He says that he realized that with his behavior, his children were seeing the same trouble he had seen during his youth when his father struggled with drug addiction and spent time

in prison. Except for, did you attend your dad's court trial where he was fucking raping the babysitter? Yeah. Now, Shannon has divorced him already, taken the money. She said said fuck this gravy she took her fucking bleached asshole right out the door that's right shimmied it right out there he says that he's forging a new relationship with his ex-wife who he calls his best friend he says they're working on a reconciliation and sobriety made it all happen in their own words

holy shit quote i've got i got to the point where I was so tired I was like, man, I've got to stop. So then and there I said to myself, I'm stopping, and I haven't had any since. Growing up as a kid, I went through a lot family-wise, mother, father, just family period. Seeing all that affected me. Once I grew up and I was older, 22, 23, I was making a lot of mistakes too. I wanted to see my kids when they grow up to be good, successful. That's another reason I made the change. I don't want my kids to go through all the trouble I went through. That changes a lot of mistakes too. I wanted to see my kids when they grow up to be good, successful. That's another reason I made the change.

I don't want my kids to go through all the trouble I went through. That changes a lot because you know alcohol makes you mean, want to fight and be grumpy all the time.

As far as what happened in my past, it has a lot to do with drinking. Yeah, definitely. I'm good now. Everything's fine now. That year, 28 minutes a game.

They actually fucking listened to him. His threat worked. 28 minutes a game. They actually fucking listened to him. His threat worked. 28 minutes a game in 70 games, 11.6 points a game, 3.9 rebounds, two assists, 1.5 steals. That's hustling. That's not bad. He makes $5.889 million.

Almost $6 million. Holy shit. Now starts the 2005 season still in Denver. They place him on the inactive list in November when he has a huge fight with coach Nate McMillan over his lack of playing time. He fought with Nate McMillan? He fought with him, blew up,

yelled at him in between the third and fourth quarters in a team huddle. He freaked the fuck out. John Nash, the Blazers general manager, said, quote, we will not tolerate this type of behavior from any player. We will continue to demand a higher level of professionalism and personal responsibility from all of our players, or we will continue to take appropriate action. Like when they raid people and you give them money.

You mean the Nuggets? No, this is Portland. He's playing for the Nuggets now? No, he's playing for Portland. Oh, OK. I thought you said in Denver. No, he gets traded to Denver later in the year. I got you. Right now he's still with. OK. I'm trying to keep my geography right. Oh, okay. I thought you said in Denver. No, he gets traded to Denver later in the year. I got you.

Right now he's still with... Okay. I'm trying to keep my geography right. They do that. And then, yeah, Ruben's agent sees more to it. He says it's clear that the Blazers have made a decision to develop younger players, which is their prerogative. Unfortunately, Ruben Patterson is at the prime of his career, and his play merits more time

than he's getting with the Blazers. And he's asking for a trade. Again, demanding it. He wants a trade really bad. He's suspended for this, and then after this, they keep him around for another couple weeks, and then there's trade rumors. The Nets are discussing a trade with him, possibly, for Mark Jackson and that sort of thing.

At the end of his run. Yeah. This year he only has, in Portland that half a year, he has 11.4 points a game in 45 games. Then he's traded to Denver. He's traded to Denver with Charles Smith, who's another guy who will be a subject of Prime Sports. He's a nut. He's a nut.

And the Nuggets traded Vashon Leonard to the Blazers, and there's Brian Russell's involved in the deal. It's a four-team mess of a fucking deal that we don't need to go into. Brian Russell or Byron Russell? It's Brian Russell's involved in the deal. It's a four-team mess of a fucking deal that we don't need to go into. Brian Russell or Byron Russell? It's Brian Russell. I always thought it was Byron Russell, but it's B-R-Y-O-N. Yeah, it looks like Byron. Spell your fucking name right. So he goes to Denver.

They have Carmelo Anthony, Marcus Camby, Kenyon Martin, his ex-teammate, Brian Russell here. He plays in 26 games. He averages 13.2 points a game, three and a half rebounds, 2.6 assists, 1.3 steals. They go to the playoffs, Denver. They lose to the Clippers. They always lose. Ruben is benched.

Yeah. Fucking sucks. Ruben is benched for most of the series. He only averages five points a game. He's fucking pissed at it. He's talking public shit about George Carl. Saying, fuck George Carl. Fuck this place.

I hate everybody. Don't fuck that hair. That guy's great. But he makes $6,353,200 that year. Wow. Goddamn. Wow. August 10th, 2006.

He's traded by the Nuggets to the Bucks for Joe Smith, former first round, former number one overall draft pick out of Maryland, I want to say. 2006-07 season, he's with Milwaukee. There they have Andrew Bogut, Earl Boinkens, and I think a sack of potatoes playing small forward. It was pretty brutal. On the Bucs site, there's a little player profile of everybody, and there's one for Ruben.

Favorite color? Black. Favorite athlete of all time? Michael Jordan. Favorite cartoon character? Popeye. He doesn't take any shit shit and he rapes women. Ultimate vacation spot, Hawaii. Favorite pizza topping, cheese. And how do you like your steak prepared? The true call of a Cretan, well done.

Really? So there you go. What a scumbag. May 15, 2007. I figure every rapist loves their steak well done. Yeah, they want to chew it. May 15th, 2007. Ruben buys a 15-room, 6,447.

Not everybody that eats steak well done rapes. No. But everybody that rapes eats. So, yes. He buys a 15-room, 6,000-something square foot house in Indian Hill for $3.4 million. Not bad. Pretty much immediately within a month after he moves in, a warrant is issued for Rubin's arrest after failing to register as a sex offender.

Wow. You got to do that. Ben Schwart issued for his arrest. His agent, who is now a new agent, former Cincinnati Bengal Tim McGee, if we remember him, said that his failure to register was an oversight. Whoops. Just an oversight. He ends up getting a thousand dollar fine.

He says it's just a crazy oversight. One of his neighbors actually reported him because he kept having loud parties. Yeah. So he was like, I'm going to Google him. Yeah. Oh, he's a sex offender. Son of a bitch. i see here uh so tim mcgee in true agent fashion he's he's going into his silver hair he's easing into it nicely he said quote it's all behind him i've never in my life seen such a small issue turn

into such a big story he didn't register as a sex offender that is not a big fucking issue he's sitting in his big stupid house fucking fucking sitting there, not registering as a sex offender, being an asshole. A house that cost him minus taxes, an entire year's salary. He's sitting there feeling good. There's a knock at the door. He's like, what's going on? He opened. I'm not expecting any company.

I hope it's not the cops again. And he wishes it was the cops, but it's not. It's the Mexican pimp. And he says. He wishes it was the cops, but it's not. It's the Mexican pimp. And he says... How is it you've come to arrive here?

Why are you here? Why? Why you come here? I don't understand. I have been gone a long time, I realize. I had many continents to travel. I have many women to meet and satisfy. That is what I do.

But it is always consensual. Do you see how that works? I do not. I come with guns blazing, pointing right at you, scotch in my hand. And still, I wait for them to say, okay, put it in me. You do nothing of the sort. You do nothing. I wait for them to say, are we going to do it? I wait for them to say, let's do to do it? I wait for them to say,

let's do it. And then I put the fingers in. Before that, nothing. Oh, I have to go. And I have to go. Poof, in a cloud of smoke, of gun smoke and scotch, he's gone.

Tequila. Tequila, sorry. Yes, it's tequila and gun smoke. Why did I say scotch? I was thinking scotch on my mind. So he's gone now. That was crazy. Good for him. i haven't seen him in a while thanks guns blazing willingly absolutely so that year uh with uh with milwaukee he plays in 81 games they

need him 31 minutes a game they need him yeah 14.7 points 5.4 rebounds 2.9 assists 1.4 steals that's a good line they needed needed that. They have nobody. He makes $6,807,000 a year. Holy shit. Now he's a free agent again. No one's going to sign him, right? August 29, 2007, signs as a free agent with the Los Angeles Clippers. Vice President Elgin Baylor, who's a legendary NBA player, he says, quote,

We are thrilled to add Ruben to our team. We are? Thrilled. Ruben plays hard every single night. He's an aggressive defensive player and has a real enthusiasm for the game. You're goddamn right he's aggressive. That's right. Yeah, he's aggressive with your ass, too.

With your bleached asshole. Coach Mike Dunleavy said, quote, I've always admired the intensity he brings from game to game. His versatility will improve our team. His intensity is raping. How do they say this shit? Oh, raping. How did they say this shit? Oh, my God. How did they say that shit knowing what he's convicted of? I don't know.

They don't sign him for much here anyway. They're getting him for nothing. With the Clippers, they have Elton Brand, Corey Maggette, Chris Kamens, big, balding, weird-looking, goofy white ass. Oh, that's right. Kamens was an ugly fuck. Yeah, when he had the wispy hair, the Cosner hair. He played 20 games for them, 16.4 minutes, 5.1 points, 3.2 rebounds,.9 assists, 1.1 steals.

Not up to his par of last year. He makes $304,897. That's a little bit of a pay cut. That's a steep pay cut. Yeah. That's what I would have expected after he was convicted of rape. That's what I'm saying. Exactly.

But nope, September 30, 2008, he's asked to go to Denver's training camp. Why? What? He fucking, I don't understand why he does that, but they actually do that. They invite him there to look. It makes no sense after he attacked George Carl and they had to cut him because he was such an asshole to him, but whatever. Very interesting.

Career stats. This is it for him in the NBA. Denver does not pick him up. He's done. 649 games, 10.7 points per game, 4.2 rebounds, 1.8 assists, 1.2 steals. Not a bad stat line. And the money, $36,858,397

at basketballreference.com. They have his Hall of Fame probability at 0.0%. So that's worth $36 million. Take that. Wow. Late 2008. I don't know if he needs the money or what, but he goes to play in Lebanon.

What? In Lebanon. Living the dream. Place for the Champville basketball team in the Lebanon Pepsi Basketball League. There's a place called Champville? Champville is the name of the team. the Lebanon Pepsi Basketball League. There's a place called Champville? Champville is the name of the team. It's not in the city. The city address that it's listed in, the city, is Dick El Medi.

So I'm like, okay, that's the city. Maybe that's why they call it Champville. November 2009, Patterson is charged with tampering with evidence and resisting arrest after being present at a shooting that took place outside of the Buckeye Hall of Fame Cafe in Columbus. What the fuck? It's a Ray Lewis, exact Ray Lewis. He saw some shit and said, I didn't see some shit. And they accused him of tampering with evidence and resisting arrest to try to fucking get him to talk.

And he didn't talk and nothing happened. Wow. Wow. 2010, he's inducted into the Independence Community College Hall of Fame. Assholes. Hall of Fame. How could they do that? Well, another Hall of Fame inductee that year, I looked at who the inductees were.

One of the guy's names was Ira Stockbrand. That's why. I seriously question the legitimacy of your Hall of Fame when there's a guy named Ira in it. Just right off the fucking bat. Not a Hall of Fame at that point. Sorry. Ira, no. It's completely discredited.

Definitely. March 27, 2010, Rubin is arrested. What? In Hamilton County, Ohio, on DUI charges. Good. After it was found that his blood alcohol level was.117. That's too much. Way higher than normal.

I thought he quit drinking. Everything was bad with alcohol. I thought everything. I thought from the beginning with his mom and his fucked up school and his getting people pregnant and beating on women and raping people in the middle of the night with your dick swinging out and your wife's bleached asshole and you punch her

and you fight with this guy. And you're punting dudes and breaking jaws. I feel bad for all these people. That's all I'm saying. I feel bad for all these people. But not nearly as bad as I feel for Ruben Patterson, principal engineer at Charter Communications in the greater Denver area. It's a Time Warner cable thing.

In the same city. Same city. He's been there. Went to Regis University. Drives on the same freeways as that guy. Oh, poor guy. Fuck. Ruben Patterson, a 92-year-old man in Navarre, Florida, who has no idea that we're talking

about him at all and never will. Some retired guy in fucking Florida. And finally, the most serious of all, Dr. Ruben Patterson, professor and chair of sociology and anthropology at Howard University. It's a giant dork. He has an electrical

engineering degree from Florida State University, a master's degree in engineering management from George Washington University, and a BS in interdisciplinary physics. Or a possible sex offender. And a PhD in sociology from Howard University. Or he punches clothing store owners outside of nightclubs for scratching his fucking car and stepping on his shoe. What an accomplishment.

That guy— Total opposite. He finishes shit and starts something else. Oh, he had—this is, I could have gone on forever. He had like different review journals that he like was the publisher of that he started. Like he's, this guy's awesome. What an impressive man. He's super impressive.

Way more impressive than our guy. And he's never been late in his life because he doesn't have time. Never. No, he's too busy getting. Fuck, I don't have time for pussy. He's too busy getting degrees for interdisciplinary physics and electrical engineering. Who the fuck? I don't even know what that is.

July 26, 2010, DUI court. He's facing jail time. Facing jail time. Do you think he's going to get jail time? Of course not. Fuck no. Hamilton County Municipal Court Judge Bernie Bouchard sentences him to a $500 fine and a three-day driving program. Thanks, guys. He needs

to not drink. The driving's not the issue. It's the drinking. He's also ordered Patterson to not consume alcohol for 18 months. Patterson may only drive from his Indian Hill home to work in Mason for the next six months. Should he violate any of the terms, the judge told him he's going to go to jail for six months.

They said, have you learned anything from this? Lessons? Rubin, and he said, quote, I'm not going to drink and drive. Well, no shit. How about I'm not going to drink? Wow. Now, August 8, 2011, Ruben is suing his agent, former Bengals wide receiver Tim McGee. Tim McGee is a former first round pick for the Bengals.

What's he suing for? He claims that McGee misled him in business deals and hasn't repaid a loan. He seeks from McGee repayment of $687,000 plus a million dollars in punitive damages. Holy shit. Yeah, he said that he gave McGee power of attorney as his agent to access bank accounts, to which he deposited his paychecks. The suit alleges that McGee offered to sell Patterson a piece of land adjacent to something that he owned and an indoor sports facility. When Patterson agrees, McGee just took the $337,000 out of Patterson's account for the property, which wasn't okay.

Patterson later paid him even more money for business investments. During 2005, Patterson paid McGee another $300,000 for interest in another building. Haven't you learned your lesson? Yeah, and in April 2010, McGee borrowed $50,000 for startup costs of Gieters Bar and Grill there. McGee denies all allegations, calling them, quote, frivolous, totally frivolous. May 11, 2012, now he's suing for money there, and now on AutoTrader in May 11, 2012, Rubin's Bentley Arnage red label is up for sale. Yeah, his model is one of the sought-after red label models.

It's said it's like a big deal, blah, blah, blah, the whole deal. He said that basically it's the guy who runs there's no price listed with it but a guy who runs an auto gallery said he's probably looking to get about 50 grand for it 50 grand is all that Bentley's worth it's an old one so 2015

December he joins Ruben joins the National Basketball Retired Players Association and talks about his own transition to off the court, which he's fucked up greatly. He says it's great, though. He says in their own words, quote, it's a great program that helps retired players in terms of education and financial advice. They cover any situation that can arise in life after basketball. You can even go back to school and get your degree.

They also help you out if you want to start a business or pursue something else. From a financial perspective, you have to watch over the things you spend money on and make sure you surround yourself with people you can trust. Yeah. Yeah. No shit. You should have done that a long fucking time ago. So he's good there. June 4th, 2016.

This was hard to fucking find, man. I found a list, weekly list of Ohio indictments in the state of Ohio. Patreon.com slash crime and sports. This took a long time. Reuben Patterson here indicted on two counts of non-support of dependents. I was just going to ask a minute ago. His fucking money's gone. What a dick.

His money's fucking gone. He's fucking broke. So what's he doing now? $36 million and didn't pay his child support. That's right. You can see Ruben currently too right now because January 2017, Ice Cube announced the formation of a three-on-three basketball league comprised of retired basketball players to start in 2017,

which is going on right now. They have, I think, eight teams here. The Threes Company, the Three-Headed Monsters, Ghost Ballers, Ball Hogs, Killer Threes, Tri-State, Power, and Trilogy. Coaches for this league include Rick Barry, Allen Iverson, Gary Payton, George Girvin, the Iceman, Julius Irving, Charles Oakley, Rick Mahorn, and Clyde Drexler. My God. Yeah.

How did Ice Cube figure this shit out? Mahmoud Abdul-Raouf is playing in this league. Wow. He's got to be 35 years old, formerly Chris Jackson, the guy who would tie his shoes on time like 40 times, a total ticker. He's a weird guy. Played for Denver for a while. Kwame Brown, that's where he went.

Jason Williams, White Chocolates. Yes. Mike Bibby plays on one of these teams. Of course he does. Bonzi Wells plays on one of these teams, and Jermaine O'Neal. Really? He plays Blazers everywhere. Kenyon Martin plays on the trilogy

and the threes company team is DeMar Johnson, Al Thornton and a few other guys with Iverson coaching and Ruben Patterson. He's on threes company. Ruben this year is averaging 2.8 points per game. This is a full league. This is a league. They're playing games. They go on the road and everything.

Apparently so. He's averaging 2.8 points per game. Three rebounds, 1.6 assists, 0.6 steals. He doesn't play very much. Ruben also was named by Bleacher Report in the top 50 Cincinnati basketball players of all time from the college. He is number 15 on the list. That's unbelievable. Top 15. That's ridiculous.

Can't get enough of Ruben? You can go on eBay, get yourself. I know a babysitter that's had plenty of him. Plenty of Ruben. Way too much. Ruben Patterson, Bucks jersey. That's sad. One year there.

Used, $49.99. I wouldn't pay $4.99. And this is actually pretty cool if you're a fan. Amazon.com, Ruben Patterson signed floorboard for University of Cincinnati. Yeah. Pretty cool. $33.99 plus $4.99 shipping. Send that money straight to his kids.

Instead, send it to his kids. Better off, send it to patreon.com slash crimeandsports or PayPal using our email address, crimeandsports at gmail.com. Don't buy a goddamn thing from him. Holy shit, that's Reuben Patterson. What the shit. Was that a mess or what? Unbelievable.

That was as messy as we could get. It's ridiculous. It's not fair i love how he spaced it out though he made it really great to tell a story he really did like i need an action beat oh good he punched a guy this is gonna be a great fucking uh 30 for 30 someday oh he's a mess well they did the jailblazers 30 for 30 and he was a big part of it did they talk about he was fucking arrested and accused for rape barely because it's about everything and damon stoudemire rashid wallace quint, all these guys were getting arrested every other day.

Don't do a Joe Blazers. You know what? Fuck 30 for 30. They did a whole thing. We did fine. We do fine. Fuck that. I'll do them one at a time and they'll be much better.

That's how we do shit. None of this bullshit here. We'll lump all of it and glaze over the fact that the man was arrested for and convicted of rape. Bullshit. But yes, that is Ruben Patterson. That is the craziness that is Ruben Patterson. Wow. I hope you guys enjoyed that episode because that was bananas.

It was a crazy one. That was a heavy workload episode. Yeah. Great work. That was absurd. Shit, dude. That was crazy stuff. If you like that story, please, what you can do is get on iTunes.

You can give us an iTunes review. You can. Give us five stars. Tell us you're do is get on iTunes. You can give us an iTunes review. You can. Give us five stars. Tell us you're following instructions, following directions. Take it. Also, too, the Patreon.com slash Crime and Sports that we just mentioned, or PayPal using our email, CrimeandSports at gmail.com. There you go.

You can get a hold of us on social media, all the branches, major ones, Instagram and Twitter and everything at Crime and Sports. Facebook.com slash Crime and Sports and Crime and Sports at Gmail.com. There you go. We have a long list of people this week. What we've been calling our producers, the people that have kept us alive, that have kept Don Fonucci from taking everything away from us and turning us upside down and shaking us by our ankles. Thank these people so much.

Jimmy, who do you have for us this week? Real quickly, Jay and Melissa Martin in Connecticut. Melissa was involved in a car accident, and Jay, instead of telling her to her face that he loves her, wanted us to tell her that he loves her. So she just does a really great job at home, and he wanted us to make sure that we told her. I don't know why. That's weird.

But Jay, there you go. You got it. They're a sweet couple. They both listen. So that's awesome. Thank you, guys. We love you, too. Hope that helps you get some ass there, Jay. Good for you.

BobKGolf.com is Zach Kreisheimer, the guy that we're going to go play in his golf tournament. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Can't wait for that. BobKGolf, you can donate there if you'd like. His stepfather died and he, I guess he he i guess founded this golf tournament i'm not sure hey i'm excited but it's gonna be it's gonna be great i'm excited to be terrible out there yeah we're gonna golf it up it's gonna be awful i'm gonna be so drunk at 7 a.m i can't wait perfect um laura sanford sharon j thomas uh rochelle war jason scott kimberly styles

alissa parish katie turner moe zeigert uh jul Sackett, Kathleen Thill or Till, Steph, up to her donation. Thank you. She didn't give a last name, but Steph, thank you. Thank you so much. Callie French, Kev the Quant Man Kevins, Aode, I'm sure it's a beautiful way of pronouncing it. I don't know. A-O-E-D-E. Thank you so much.

Rachel Powers, Laura Sinclair, Jessica Anacone, or Anacone, Anikone. I could go so many different ways with this because A-N-E-C-O-N-E could be pronounced a million different ways, and I'm an asshole. So thank you, Jessica. I appreciate it. Laura Chinosky, Mark Manicotti, thank you very much. I got all the Italian listeners donating this week. Jesus Christ. Great. Jody Cooper, James Michael, Hannah Ettinger in London, thank you.

Thank you, Hannah. Emily Stotts, Deidre Kohler wants two episodes of the other podcast. Deidre Kohler donated an upturn donation to hear me ruin her name, and I'm pretty sure I got that one right, which means I'm fucking way off. Hopefully she won't be too offended. Marinda Lynch, Louise. That's a different – that's Marinda Lynch and Louise. Louise is a different person.

David Stanish, Jessica Christensen, Jessica Landgren in Australia. She's the best always. Thank you, Jessica. Steve Tancredi or Tancredi. Amanda Nelson. Killian Coleman. Amy Blytheredi or Tancredi. Amanda Nelson. Killian Coleman. Amy Blythe or Blith, Blith, Blythe, whichever it is. I'm so sorry.

Summer Borland. Michael Colanzo. Or no, no, it's Colaza. How did I go with Colanzo? How do I do this? I'm staring right at it. You put the word colon into the poor man's name. I know.

I'm sorry, Michael. Jesus. Dale Black in Montana. Kimber Vautour. Susan Braddow. Sarah Robert. Paul Hovey. Angel Echevarria.

Echevarria. Echevarria. See, you're better at this. Allie Tewksbury. I can't pronounce town names for shit, but I got this. Sophie Jones. Hey, Why the Face. Carl.

I wasn't saying Sophie Jones. Hey, Why the Face. That's somebody's donation name. Screen name. Carl Cieslowitz. Emily Schmidt. Jenna Breedback. Christy Blanco.

Kelly Bath. Cynthia Seberg. Lucy Eglinton. Sarah Chamberlain. Rebecca Elner. Allison Hilliard, Grant Moffitt, Allison Thamelets. I like how you just give it every possible fucking pronunciation. I just stare at it. Just pick one and go with it. Lisa Velasquez.

Oh, that's amazing. She sent a nice email, too. I love it. Lisa Velasquez. She sent a nice email, too. Dario Moya, Madeline Sneed, Taj Mahali, Samantha Heskett, Amy Lowe, Annette Wright, and we have one more page. Wow. God, you guys are amazing. Thank you, guys. Thank you so much. Literally, we're blown away.

Sarah Gilbo, Wynema Van Zandt, Kasten Johnson, Megan Strapik. I know, she's told me so many times. Which makes it harder to remember. Which ruins me. Phoebe Miller in the UK. Thank you, Phoebe. Daniel Mertz, Robin Joyner, Jill Crosby, Carolyn Jackson, Kat Power got a new job. Congratulations, asshole.

That's a girl. Yeah, no, I know Kat. Oh, okay, so he's a guy. No, I said congr's a girl. Yeah, no, I know Kat. Oh, okay. So he's a guy. No, I said congrats, Kat. You said Kat. That's right. Gregory Becker, Chrissy Ann.

She's going to give me so much shit for that Kat. She's a real asshole. She loves to fuck with me. Chrissy Ann Castaldi. Thank you. Chrissy Ann Castaldi and Jessica Langer are like our- They're unbelievable. They save our lives.

You guys are amazing. Thank you. Sarah Toe, Maggie Eichhorn, Ryan Growley, William McClelland in Scotland. Thanks, Bill. He's the best. Sarah Roberts, Stacey Jones, Melissa Hoover, Andrew Wigand, Coco Gonza. You know that's said beautifully and whoever knows how to say it

it's beautiful It's so poetic It sounds like the Mexican pimp would say it beautifully It probably sounds like a delicious fucking meal too I'm an asshole John Houle Carly Myers

Shannon Adcock Phil Monahan. Last three are so easy. Kathleen Thill, Amy Johnson, and Gail Hogston. Oh, thank you guys so much. Thank you so much for taking the reins and showing us how to really support people. You guys are amazing. This train, we've said this before, this train, it runs on coal.

It's an old train. We can't afford a new one. So it runs on coal. And you guys keep filling the coal up. And we will shovel it in happily. We'll keep shoveling until the end of fucking time if you guys keep putting the coal there. We're so happy to shovel it for you guys. It's not even funny.

I can't thank you guys enough. Thank you guys so much for everything. And what if one of these amazing, fine, wonderful people wanted to get a hold of a podcast host like, I don't know, yourself? How might they do that? If you want to find me and say something horrible to me, feel free. At Wisman Sucks, W-H-I-S-M-A-N Sucks on Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat. Follow along, play along. We really appreciate you guys being around.

It's fucking, it's amazing. And I can't say that enough. I thank you guys so much. It really is. Thank you guys. And I'm at JimmyPIsFunny on all the appropriate venues and if you want to friend me on Facebook or something, copy my last name and paste it from the show description. Let's not get crazy and try to spell it. There's I's and E's where you don't think there are.

That's true. But wow, we've had a fun week and I'm looking forward to next week even more because we got another crazy shit show then, but that doesn't matter because for now live from the crime and sports studios we will see you next week bye hey prime

members you can listen to crime and sports early and ad-free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today, or you can listen early and ad-free with Wondery Plus and Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondery.com slash survey. Taylor Swift is soaring high, her every move captured in the news cycle and devoured by her devoted fans. She's broken billboard records and made Grammys history, not to mention becoming a billionaire in the process. But along the way, Taylor has had to wage war, first by taking on a very powerful, very famous manager, Scooter Braun, and then by going up against the biggest live events company, Ticketmaster.