Culture Apothecary with Alex Clark - Your Guide To A Great First Year Of Marriage | Kyler & Britt Nixon

Episode Date: November 18, 2025

Everyone loves to say the first year of marriage is brutal… but what if it could actually be the most fun, forming, and faith-building year instead?Kyler and Britt Nixon — the couple behind 'Love Your First Year' — are here to talk how to know if it’s actually more than butterflies, the biblical green and red flags no one warns you about, and what “becoming one” actually looks like. They even get honest about their own first-year fights and what helped them move through conflict, expectations, and intimacy without losing their minds (or each other).If you’re dating, engaged, or freshly married, this convo will totally reframe how you see year one… and every year after.Thank you to our sponsors!⁠ZEBRA⁠ — Use code ALEX for 10% off any order⁠COWBOY COLOSTRUM⁠ — Use code ALEX for 25% off⁠JOOVV⁠ — Exclusive discount on your first red light therapy order⁠PALEOVALLEY⁠ — Use code ALEX for 15% off your first order⁠A'DEL NATURAL COSMETICS⁠ — Use code ALEX for 25% off first-time orders⁠GEVITI⁠ — Use code ALEX for 20% off your first purchaseOur Guests:Kyler & Britt NixonKyler & Britt's Links:⁠Website⁠⁠Premarital Course⁠⁠Instagram @loveyourfirstyear⁠⁠Free Downloads⁠⁠Podcast⁠👗 Get Alex’s freshest fashion picks and exclusive guest recommendations—delivered straight to your inbox!Sign up for the newsletter HERE:  ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠WEEKLY NEWSLETTER SIGNUP⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠FOLLOW ALEX:Instagram |⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ @realalexclark⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Instagram |⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ @cultureapothecary⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Facebook |⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ @realalexclark⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠X |⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ @yoalexrapz⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠YouTube |⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ @RealAlexClark⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Spotify |⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Culture Apothecary with Alex Clark ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Apple Podcast |⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Culture Apothecary with Alex Clark⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Join the Cuteservatives Facebook group to connect with likeminded friends who love America and all things health and wellness!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Join the CUTEservative Facebook Group!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Subscribe to ‘Culture Apothecary’ on ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Apple Podcasts⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ and ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Spotify⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠. New episodes drop 6pm PST/ 9pm EST every Monday and Thursday.

What are the different apology styles and how do you find out what you are and what your spouse is? You have accepting responsibility. There's genuinely repenting, which is, I'm so sorry. I'm not going to do that again, right? There's expressing regret, which is I'm really sorry. There's requesting forgiveness, which is just simply saying, will you forgive me, right? And then the last one is they need you to really make up for it. Like, they need you to show you that I'm not going to do that again.

And I'm going to make up for it. I'm going to go take an ice cream. I'm going to go do that stuff. I need you to feed me. grapes. I want a foot rub. I want you to tell me how beautiful I am. You're so sorry. How could you ever make me cry? Kiss me on the forehead a hundred times. Like I need that all of it. I'm really sorry. You want to go get some ice cream? Yes. That's me. You know how everyone says the first year of marriage is the hardest? Well, what if it could actually be the most formative, faith-filled, and fun year instead?

Today, I'm sitting down with Kyler and Britt Nixon, the founders of Loved Your First Year, a ministry equipping dating, engaged, and newly married Christian couples to build marriages that last. We're talking about real readiness for marriage. How to know if it's more than chemistry or butterflies. How to vet a future spouse biblically and what it truly means to become one. Kyler and Britt get honest about their own first year fights, the lessons they learn the hard way, and how couples can navigate conflict, expectations, and intimacy with grace and truth. So whether you're dating, engaged, or celebrating your first anniversary, grab your coffee, take some notes,

and let's learn how to love your first year and every year after. Watch this episode from the Jevity Studio on the Real Alex Clark YouTube channel or Culture Apothecary on Spotify. Please pause and leave a five-star review letting us know which episode this year has made the biggest impact on your life. Please welcome the founders of Love Your First Year, Kyler and Britt Nixon to Culture Apothecary. How do you help couples know if they're truly ready for marriage beyond just feeling in love or having great chemistry? That's a really good question. I think there's a few sort of readiness factors that we tend to talk to couples about.

So first is financial readiness, and that's a big one. The thing with financial readiness is you don't have to have two people who have super well-paying jobs and you sort of have everything figured out, right? I think a lot of couples think that that's what financial readiness looks like. What we recommend is really just one person has a steady job that you can count on, right? So if you're younger and one of you's in school and the other one has a great job, that's fine. Right. So I think financial readiness is really important. Second, and this maybe isn't in order, but I think affirmation from people around you, right, do your family and your friends and people

who are spiritually mature around you, do they affirm your relationship? Do they say, yeah, we see that you should be getting married and we see that that is the logical next step. So I think those are two major sort of readiness indicators. So it's interesting that you talk about readiness because I think a lot of the times you hear different couples saying things like, well, I feel like I need to wait until I feel ready for marriage. What do you say to people that wonder, like, am I ready? Do I feel ready? Like, do you ever feel ready for marriage?

Like, do you think, yes, you will feel ready for marriage? Because I also hear that with parenthood. You know, people that are like, I'm not ready to be a mom. And people are like, you'll never feel ready to be a mom. Yeah, I don't think you ever will fully feel ready. I think that there's a lot of things that you can do to prepare and like sort of feel ready. But you're never going to fully feel ready. I think we do, and we can use peace.

as a little bit of an indicator, right? So as Christians, like, if you have a severe lack of peace about that relationship and you're like, oh, my goodness, this is just giving me so much anxiety. Like, some of that is normal in the sense of as you move toward marriage, it's normal to feel a little bit overwhelmed by that whole process. But some of it is sort of like the Lord saying, hey, this is a bit of a check engine light, and I don't know if this is the person for you, right? And so if you have peace and you feel like you're financially ready and the people around

you are affirming it, then it's sort of, yeah, go ahead and keep moving forward. How do you vet a man to know if he's ready to be a husband? I mean, I think first and foremost, you have to look for any red flags, like any big red flags that are really standing out. So, for example, like, how is he with his money? Like, how is he talking to other people around him? How is his relationship with the Lord? Like, all of those things, like, I would say have, like, a list of, like,

priorities almost and have a list of non-negotiables. And if he's not, you know, reaching all of those things, then maybe that's not who God has for you. In a Christian relationship, what do you think some of those standards should be for his relationship with the Lord? Because a lot of guys will say, oh, I'm a Christian. I have a relationship with the Lord. How do you kind of double check that and push harder? Yeah. I mean, you know, the Bible says, like, well, no, like, buy our fruit, right? So what is he doing? Like, is he going to church? Like, or is he, like, truly, like, praying and, like, does he have, like, a really? good relationship with the Lord. Yeah. Is he walking in the fruit of the spirit too, right? Is he

patient? Is he gentle? You know, is he selfless? Like all of those things are indicators of someone who's walking in a healthy relationship with the Lord. And then again, going back to what I mentioned earlier, if people around him who are spiritually mature are affirming him as a godly man and as a godly, you know, future husband, that's also a great indicator that they're ready to be a husband. How should a man vet a woman to see if she's ready to be a wife? Similar. Right. Like we're looking for red flags. We're looking for, um, spiritual maturity, right? And obviously in marriage and in life, like, you're never fully like reaching that spiritual maturity. That's what, uh, your life is like just walking with the Lord every single day. That's what sanctification looks like.

And so you're never going to find someone who's perfect. You're never going to find a husband who's perfect. You're never going to find a wife who's perfect. But when I look at Brit, like when we were dating and starting to move toward engagement and I was asking people around me, hey, do you see this person as my wife? there were things that Brit exhibited that were so clear, right? She was gentle. She was kind. She brought out the best in me. She challenged my sin and she challenged my faults, right?

And so I think if those are the things that your girlfriend or your fiancee is doing, those are indicators that she is probably going to be a great wife as well. Do you ever walk with couples where one may be more spiritually mature than the other? For sure. Yeah, I think that's, I think that is probably more common than you'd think. And I think that that's why, like, God gives us. each other so that we can help like encourage that person to grow in their spiritual journey like with the Lord. And obviously if like you're very different on very different like levels of spiritual

maturity that might cause some issues. You know, we would say it's important to be equally yoked, right? So that means that if you have very drastic different like spiritual beliefs, then that might not work very well for you in marriage. But if you are on. on different, like have different, a little bit different spiritual maturity. Like you can help encourage the other person to, um, to grow in their relationship with the Lord. What we don't recommend couples do is missionary date, right? And so, um, like Britt and I, when we first started dating, I would say her spiritual maturity was way higher than mine. I grew up in church, but sort of was still navigating faith and what does this look like. And Brett held a clear standard for me.

It was like, this is what I require of you in order for me to marry you. And I was like, all right, challenge accepted, right? And part of that was, um, growing in my relationship with, the Lord. And so if your future husband or your future wife is not willing to do that and is not willing to sort of chase after the Lord with you, then I would say pause and let's maybe reevaluate if this is the person for you. Yeah, I think a lot of women, because I see this with girls, is we'll be dating somebody we really like and there's like, well, I'll go to church with you. I'm open to it. I didn't grow up that way. And so they're like, okay, well, he's showing that he's willing to go with me. You know, isn't that good enough? What would your answer me?

that it's not good enough for marriage, right? It's not good enough for it to move forward in engagement. Because if you're kind of like wishy-washy, you're not fully aligned. So marriage is going to be a lot harder for you if that's the case than if you are on the same page spiritually. I don't necessarily have a huge problem with it in dating. I think some of that is okay. Because like I said, like we would have never gotten married if that was her viewpoint. But if that person isn't making that relationship with the Lord their own, Like if I was sort of saying, well, I'm going because I'm trying to date this girl, right? That's not going to work, right? But if the person that you're dating is taking serious steps and is really showing interest in that relationship with the Lord and growing personally in their faith, then I think that's a good indicator for that relationship.

So in the dating stage, she gave you the standard. You were able to rise to the occasion. That kind of showed both of you, okay, now we're ready to look into the next step of engagement. Correct, yeah. I feel like a lot of people focus on romance and cats. chemistry in dating, but not on on long-term compatibility. Do you guys see that as a big mistake that young couples make is focus on chemistry? Well, I have chemistry with them.

Or maybe there's another believer and they're not even, they're attracted to them and they're a believer, but they're like, I don't feel an initial spark with them. So that can't be the one. I think romance and attraction are important. Like, I don't necessarily fall in the camp of like get to know them more and then you'll find them more attractive. I'm sure that probably happens to some people. but I think you do need to have some level of physical attraction to the other person.

But what we talk to couples about all the time is be friends first. So much of your marriage is just like spending time with this person, right? Like sexual intimacy and sort of the romantic parts of marriage are such a little part of marriage. And so if I'm not like best friends with my spouse and if I don't like genuinely enjoy spending time with Brit, our marriage is going to be really challenging. Right. And so during that dating and engagement season is a really good time to understand, do I this person? Like, do I like this person as a friend? Can I see myself spending a lot of time with

this person? And I think that is probably, you know, after physical attraction, I think that's a good first initial checkbox. But after that, spending time building your friendship and that connection, I think is more important than working on the romantic part of a relationship. Do you think that traveling together in the dating stage is super important? We don't think couples should be traveling together during engagement or dating without others there, right? So we believe that the Bible is pretty clear on sex before marriage, right? Not having sex before marriage. And we can get into that if you want to.

But I think one of the challenges with traveling together, especially if it's just the two of you, is you're putting yourself in a really challenging situation, right? So if you're going across the country with your partner, if you're staying in hotels with your partner, if you're staying, you know, in an RV with your partner, however you're traveling, you're putting yourself in a really intimate position with them. And even if you don't have sex, like you're, one, the perception can be really challenging to the people around you. It's like, well, they're staying in a hotel together. Surely they're, you know, doing it or whatever. And I think that is a real challenge for Christian couples. So

we traveled together when we were dating with family. So I would go on family vacations with her. We stayed in, you know, separate rooms and all that stuff. So I think for engaged or dating Christian couples who are trying to honor the Lord with their purity, I think traveling together one-on-one is not a smart idea. But I think traveling together with groups or other people is a cool way to kind of understand what is this person like in pressure and under stress and in a new environment. How do you navigate waiting for marriage if you're in a Christian relationship and neither of you had waited? I mean, I think in general the Lord redeems, right? And so understanding that just because you've sinned in the past is not a great excuse to continue sinning. And so I think first and foremost

acknowledging, hey, this is something that is dishonoring to the Lord. And so from this point forward, we're not going to continue to have sex, whether it's the two of you together or it's past couple. couple partners that you've had in the past, right? So I think that's the first step is just understanding and acknowledging, hey, this isn't honoring to the Lord. And then I think the second thing is walking impurity through your relationship. And that might look like having a little bit tighter boundaries than other couples who haven't had sex before marriage. But I think my message to couples who have walked through that or maybe wrestling with shame around that because that's really normal to to sort of wrestle with shame and guilt. The Lord

redeems that situation, right? Like the Lord wants to restore your sexual relationship. relationship with your partner, and it's never too late to walk in that. Yeah. And I think a lot of times Christian couples especially do struggle with that shame. And like shame is not from the Lord, right? Like God is not a God of shame. So if that is something that, you know, you are struggling with and you have done that in the past, like the Lord wants to take that from you. So yeah, it's just like, and you, and I think another question we get a lot too is, like, can we still have a good sex life even if we've messed up in the past? And the answer is yes. Like, of course. Like, that is a gift. Like sex is such a gift to your marriage. And it's designed by God. And so he gets to

set the rules for sex. And it is an incredible gift. So it's hard though too, right? Like it's not easy. You've got some Christian couples that are like, I'm willing to go all the way to the edge besides having sex. You've got some Christian couples that are not even kissing before they're married. How do you know where to draw the line on sexual boundaries in a Christian dating relationship? Yeah, I don't think we have like a perfect answer for this. I think the practical advice that I would give is there's generally a scale, right, which you just sort of laid out. If you can handle kissing and not going further than that, then I think it's okay to kiss. Like I don't think the Bible's like you should stop here, right? I think there is some gray area there. But I think that if you can't kiss and then keep moving forward, like then maybe you should just hold hands or you should just hug, right? And so I think, you know, you do need to be kind of careful about how far you're going down that. down that path. I think generally anything that has the word sex after it is probably not appropriate before marriage.

But I think for us, like when we talk to couples, I think, you know, kissing is reasonably okay. I think holding hands is really okay. I think hugging is okay. But ultimately that couple has to navigate their own conviction around that topic. But I think we also say too is like why like why do we ask the question how far is too far? Like what's the heart behind that?

Why is that? You know? And I think like we first have to understand like God's heart for sex. and why it's important that we wait. And it's because he wants to protect us because sex is like an extremely bonding thing. And so waiting is like such a gift to your marriage because it's this experience that you get only with your spouse. Right. So what does it mean to become one biblically?

So I think that this is actually a huge mistake that couples make moving into marriage. Right. So you see it in Genesis. You see it in Matthew that for this reason a man shall leave his father or mother. and he will cleave to his wife and the two will become one, right? I think almost everyone thinks about that verse sexually, physically, right? We will become physically one flesh. We believe that the Bible talks about being one in all areas of your marriage, right?

Financially one, emotionally one, spiritually one, physically one, of course, is a part of that. But I think that couples that get married and then they keep a separate bank account, like, you're not really financially one, right? Or couples that get married and, you know, she's still going to her parents, or he's still going to his mom or whatever with problems in the relationship. We're not really relationally one at that point. And so I think two becoming one is, I think, rightfully understood as becoming one flesh and physically being one.

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Our marriages should reflect the gospel, right? Which is two broken people coming together in a covenantal relationship and reflecting God's love for his church, right? Jesus's love for his church. And so I know that's like a little bit of like a heady, like theological definition, I suppose. But I think practically what that looks like is, am I? loving my wife. Am I serving my wife? Am I respecting my wife? Am I being kind to my wife? And vice versa, right? My wife to me. And I think that those are ways that we then ultimately reflect the gospel. I think if you don't believe the gospel or if you don't live out the gospel, like, there's not really a point

of getting married because why are you walking in something that you don't really believe in? Well, and also just a disclaimer, if you're listening to this, you're like, what in the world? Like, if you're not a Christian, this episode isn't going to apply to you. I mean, that just is a fact. Like this is specifically about Christian dating the first year of marriage in a Christian relationship. If you're not Christian, then just, yeah, you're going to be confused. Yeah, you're going to be confused. Yeah. What are the top mistakes that couples are making routinely the first year of marriage?

Financially, we talked about that, right? So we see a lot of couples who will keep their bank accounts separate. And so kind of going back to the idea of not fully becoming one, where you're one on paper, you're married, but you're not one financially. you might even be going to two different churches. You might. What? Yeah.

Why in the way to wait a second? Why in the world would you be married and going to different churches? Like on a Sunday, the husband goes one place and the wife goes another? Yeah. Are you out of your mind? What is their reasoning for that? Yeah. I mean, if you were really connected in your church and somebody was really connected in their church,

like maybe. Memberships are transferable. They do. I think a lot of times couples do it under the guise of compromise, right? Hey, this is a way that I can serve you and you can serve me. But I don't, again, I don't think that that's necessarily how the Lord of design. weirdest thing I've ever heard. We've heard some crazy stuff. But again, it all goes back to two becoming one. And so you think about problems during the first year. It's, again,

it's financial. It's things like spending, you know, time away from each other when it comes to church. Or it's, you know, I'm going to kind of stay with my family and I want to do their traditions around holidays. And I don't really care what your family wants. Right. And so again, that is really the root of so many problems as couples not understanding the idea of two becoming one. For somebody who's used to being independent or carrying a lot of responsibility, especially women who've been very self-reliant and they're getting married later in life, what are some practical ways to step into a posture as a woman that allows their spouse to lead in the first year when you're used to being a leader yourself? Yeah, I mean, so I will say we got married really young. So we

didn't have that experience. So it's hard to talk like from experience, right? Because we didn't do that. But what I can say is like, I think there's a lot of freedom in like just being to together and being a team because as one and as a team, like there's so much more that the Lord can do through your marriage as two than there is as one. Yeah. We talk a lot about serving your spouse, right? Like at our wedding, I still remember this. My dad gave one of the best like wedding toasts that I've ever heard. And he said, make a competition out serve each other and make selflessness a pillar of your marriage. And we still like to this day really try to do that. And so I think if you're getting married older, yeah, it's going to be challenging to like find those new routines and

those new rhythms and you're like not used to being accountable to financial decisions and having to pick up your laundry and all this other stuff. But I think ultimately if you take the posture of this is somebody who I love and somebody who I care about and I want to serve them and sometimes that means dying to my own wishes and my own wants and desires, then I think that's often what it takes in marriage. And we say this a lot too, but marriage is one of the greatest refining processes. Like you think, oh, I'm like not that selfish or I'm not that prideful, but you get married, you realize very quickly how selfish and prideful you actually are. Do you guys have an example of that that you can share about your own first year of marriage, of just like kind of your spouse being a marriage.

Like, wow, that's something I need to work on. Yeah. I think Britt stepped into marriage, very ready to be married and very, like, I don't know that there was a lot of hard edges on Brit. I think she was demonstrating a lot of fruit of the spirit like we talked about, right? For me, like, and I think a lot of guys struggle with this. I dealt with just like, just impatience and sort of like, man, really quick to be angry. But I think what I said at the open of the show was true.

She just said, this is the standard. And that standard didn't go down just because we got married. And so it's like, hey, I expect you to be gentle with me. Like, I expect you to speak kindly to me. I expect you to be respectful to me. And she didn't necessarily say it like that, but she demonstrated it and walked in that. And so I think that was something that I really had to grow in. And still to this day, like, I'm like, oh, man, I didn't like how I said that or I didn't love how that made her feel. But I think for us, that was something in our first year that we really had to navigate. How should couples navigate situations where one person is coming into the marriage with more past. sexual sin than the other. Like, how do you approach grace and accountability and healing in that context? That's tricky. But I think kind of what we said before is like, you have to know that, well, one, like if your spouse is asking for forgiveness and their heart is turned, right, and changed, you know, I think just receiving that forgiveness and then also just turning it back to the Lord too and just being like, Lord, like, we know that you're a redeemer and we know that you can redeem this situation. So will you just do that for us? I think also,

the offending partner, right? So like the person who has some sexual sin in their past and they've gone through that whole process, I think that the person who does not have the sexual sin, I think taking the other persons at their word, I think is really important. Like if they're saying, hey, I only have eyes for you. Hey, I am walking in this refining process with the Lord and, hey, I want our sex life to be really good and trusting that, right? Because that's really hard. Part of shame and guilt is sort of distorting what's true and putting words into your partner's mouth that they're not saying. And so if your partner's saying, hey, like, this was a mistake. Like, this was a sin that I walked in. And but now, like, I want to repent of this and I want to walk in

purity and I want to honor the Lord with our sex life. And I'm really attracted to you. And I want our sex life to be really healthy. I think taking that person at their word in and not allowing the enemy to distort that is really important. And I think you'd be naive to think that that's not going to come up throughout your marriage. And the enemy is going to want to use that to be like, oh, well, he did this or she did this. And well, all sin has consequences. Exactly, yeah. You can be forgiven, but if you, you know, had a time in your life where you were walking apart from the Lord in that area, that's not going to go away just because you got married. Like, there will be things that come up.

And I think what you guys are talking about is one aspect of that bringing past sexual sin into a marriage and how you deal with it. But another way I can see it coming up is you've got one person who has more experience. It's inevitable that there might be some comparisons of like, well, I know what I like. and like they're not figuring it out, you know, because they don't know what they're doing or I do know what I'm doing. Like, do you guys ever see that in couples of just trying to walk through patients of like you have a lifetime to figure this out? I think that's why communication is so important, right? And I think the church as a whole has done, Capital C Church has done a bit of a disservice to engage in dating couples and helping them talk about intimacy and it's just been so taboo. And you don't talk about this until you're married. And I think that hasn't been super healthy. And so I think couples that are walking through that and even couples who are have made it to,

their wedding day and they have not had sex before, communication is important. Like, communication around sexual intimacy is so important and continuously saying, hey, what do you like? Is that okay? Like, do you feel safe? Like, are we connecting in this way? Like, how about our cadence? Are we, you know, being intimate enough? Are we being intimate too much? Like, all of those conversations, I think, are really healthy to have and will help you work through some of those things a lot faster. When couples are doing premarital counseling, what are some green flags that show, I think this person's really going to be a great spouse? And then what are some red flags that they should watch out for in the context of premarital? We see a lot of couples on the red flag side. It's mostly men, just to be clear,

but there are some women where we see this. If the guy doesn't want to go through premarital, I don't need that. I read this book. I talk to my pastor. I'm good. We see that a lot. That's a huge red flag because typically they're hiding something that they think will come out in premarital that they don't want to come out in premarital. Do you think that that also would apply in the dating stage, if you're like, hey, I want to surround myself with, you know, wiser, older couples in the church to just walk us through this dating stage, you know, hold us accountable, make sure we're doing things right, blah, blah, blah. And they're like, no, absolutely not.

Why would you say that we need to be meeting with other couples? I think that's a huge red flag. I think that's a red flag at any point in the relationship, even once you're married, right? Because the Bible talks about surrounding yourself with wise counsel. And so if they're unwilling to do that when you're dating, my advice, if like somebody was asking me that right now, as I would say, just dump them and move on. Because like, it's, this isn't going to work out well for you, right? It's just pride at the end of the day, you know, and like if you are unwilling to do that while you're dating for somebody you're trying to like

put your best face on for, you know, you're not going to do it 10 years down the road when you have kids and there's like all of these other issues that have come up. So yeah, I think one major green flag is someone who's teachable, like someone who goes through that process and on sort of the inverse of what we just talked about, they seek counsel. They meet with spiritual mentors. They want to, you know, read the books. They want to take the courses. They want to understand their spouse better, their future spouse better. I think that's a huge green flag because, again, if marriage is a sanctification process and a refining process, that means that you have to die to yourself every single day.

And if you're not willing to sort of start doing that when you're engaged, like, that's not going to get easier when you're married. What do you think some of your biggest disagreements were over in your first year of marriage? Budget. Budget. Budget. Budget. I love coffee. I love tea. And so very quickly we realized keeping a very tight budget and limiting my my coffee and tea like just it just caused a lot of issues because like right away, you know,

and I was still in school. So he, he was solely. Yeah, we were in college school. But yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was in college. And he was working. So he was, you know, providing for us. And so there's like this kind of weird shift of like, I feel like I'm kind of spending his money. Like do I need like all this permit? to spend like his money. But you know, at the end of the day, like, we're one. But it was like that weird mental shift of like, this is this is our money. And how do we like, how are we going to spend it? You know, like, yeah. I think living together is also a huge adjustment. Because again, most Christian couples aren't living together before, before marriage. And so for us like, thankfully, our sort of living styles are fairly similar. And we had also done the work

ahead of time to say, hey, do you put the toilet paper over or under? Or like, do you, what time do you wake up in the morning, do you sleep with a fan, like all of these different questions that we went through just to understand how each other truly lived before marriage. But that was still a challenge, right? Like you're now sharing a bed and you've probably never had somebody else, you know, in your bed with you, right? Or you're sharing a bathroom and you're, you know, experiencing life with another person in a way that you've just never had before. So even if you've talked about it, that like change can be really overwhelming. Well, one thing I just thought of too is so Kyler's a big sleep talker. And I didn't, like we didn't know that.

And so our first like few weeks of marriage, like I was not getting any sleep because he's just like. Oh, yeah, he was sleep talking to us constantly. So we actually went to the doctor together to get him some like sleeping pills because. Yeah, we had to medicate him because it was like like neither of us were sleeping really well. And it obviously got better over time.

But that's one thing we didn't really know about each other. And so we're navigating that on top of everything else. It just felt like a lot. So those little questions of like, do you like a pitch black? Do you wake up at this time? do you snore, like those are actually valid questions you should ask in the dating stage. 1,000%.

Yeah. All of those things. Everything you can think of. Yeah. We have in our course, we have an entire section on expectations because so many times you can trace the root of frustration in marriage or resentment in marriage back to an unmet expectation. And so if I'm expecting that we sleep with a fan or we sleep with it being pitch black or have the TV on or have a TV in the bedroom.

Yep, by the way. Get out of fear. Satan. if that's what you do. All of the, but if I'm expecting any of those things to happen, and you could apply that to any area of marriage, and then those things don't happen, well, I'm going to be frustrated.

I'm going to build resentment if those things aren't addressed. And so we literally tell couples, like, ask each other as many questions as you possibly can before you get married, even if it's a little bit silly, because it'll help you understand each other, and it'll help you know what you actually both expect going into marriage. Your husband's upset. Why?

You went to lunch with your son and not him. The marriage in shambles. Something weird is definitely going on with him. But at least you look incredible. Real story that I saw on Reddit, by the way, that one. Next time someone in your life throws a temper tantrum, hopefully not your husband, at least you're going to look good because you're wearing Adele Natural Cosmetics.

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Cowboyclostrum.com, use code Alex for a discount. That's cowboyclostrum.com, code Alex. How do you teach couples to manage conflict in a way that honors God and strengthens their relationship rather than creates distance? I think we talk about same team a lot, right? I mean, I think that's, like, really important. is couples need to understand that they're on the same team. It's not me versus you. It's me and you versus the conflict. So I think that's really important. One thing Britt does really well, which you can

talk about. The Bible tells us to be peacemakers, right? And so that is different than being a peacekeeper, which is just sort of allowing conflict to sort of dissipate and no, we're not going to talk about it, right? And so, I don't know, you want to talk about being a peacemaker and kind of what that looks like in marriage? Yeah, I think just like knowing that my way is an always the highway, you know? And like what what matters more right now in this moment is it me being right or is it my spouse who I love and so we say this a lot too but in conflict it's you and your spouse versus the conflict and not you versus your spouse so that's that's another good way to I think I saw that recently somebody made a TikTok or something and they were like you know in the middle of it's starting to get

heated as soon as it starts to get heated the first person to realize that it's escalating is supposed to stop and say same team. Yeah. And then it kind of like diffuses the situation and kind of is that reminder. But they had made that rule in the beginning of their marriage. Like, hey, when we start to feel tensions rising, the first person to notice that has to say same team to kind of just like reset the situation so that we can tackle it respectfully. For sure.

And it's good to we say this too, but it's good to take a time out. Like it's okay to take a time out. A lot of times, you know, some of us are internal processors and some of us are external processors. And for me, I'm internal and he's external, meaning like when there's conflict, like, I like kind of retreat and I need to like figure out like my thoughts and process things inside. And he needs to do it like right away in the moment in a conflict. And so we say to yield to the internal processor and take like 15 minutes, like go in separate rooms, cool down. Like they're way less likely to say things that you're going to regret and speak unkindly to your spouse when you have time to just like

process and cool down. teach us how a married couple is supposed to fight. I think ultimately, even in conflict, it's an opportunity for you to draw closer to your spouse and an opportunity for you to honor the Lord. And so if that's a mindset that you have, whenever there's conflict, and like we have conflict. Like every, and we help couples navigate conflict, right?

So every single married couple is going to experience conflict. And if you haven't experienced conflict, you probably got married yesterday, right? And so understanding that it's an opportunity to honor your spouse. It's an opportunity to honor the Lord, I think is first and foremost. Second of all, I think that we need to understand that we need to listen before we speak, right? People talk about that a lot. But I think one thing that isn't talked about a lot is saying, I more than you. We tell couples that all the time. So take ownership over your own feelings.

So if we're in a conflict, I'm not going to say, you do this or you always make me feel this way, or you, whatever. I'm going to take responsibility for how I'm feeling, right? I feel frustrated that this happened or I feel disrespected or overlooked that this thing happened, giving you. both of you then an opportunity to share. So Britt then can share, hey, this is how I feel about it. And then I think the last step is coming together and saying, okay, well, how are we going to navigate this? What's the compromise that I might need to make? Do I need to apologize? Do you need to apologize? And oftentimes we both need to apologize for something, right? And then understanding, okay, how can we move on in a respectful, a respectful way? We, this is a little like weird when we tell

couples this, but we never yell at each other. We've, we've not raised our voice one single time. we've never yelled at each other. I've never yelled at her. She's never yelled at me. And so if you're a couple, especially one who follows the Lord and you're thinking, well, that's just part of conflict. My parents yelled at each other. And so that's just sort of how we walk in conflict. We've never done that. Like, and we've just made it a promise to each other to say, we're not going to yell during conflict. We're not going to fight during conflict because you don't have to. Like, that's not the point. When you start yelling, that's where pride enters. That's where I need to be right. Like, that's where that enters. And you're sort of checking your selflessness at the door and you're checking. your humility at the door. Yeah, or belittling each other or cussing. Like, none of that stuff's appropriate in a, in an argument. It's never appropriate at any point in time in a marriage. I think, too, one of the scariest things during disagreements in a relationship is somebody speaking at the other with contempt. I think that's one of the most hurtful things. And I've read could be one of the biggest indicators of divorce. Sure. I think, again, that goes back to what I said. usually contempt or resentment doesn't happen overnight, right?

And so typically if you look back on the progression of how you got there, there's a series of things that have gone on said that have gone sort of unrealized. A lot of times we go into marriage with unconscious expectations that were shaped by our family or by society or previous relationships or our friends or whatever. And so those types of things come into marriage. And if they're not addressed and if they're not handled, then it breeds contempt. breeds resentment. And so that's why it's so important during the dating engaged. And even now, us like seven and a half years into marriage, we talk about what do you expect? When we were coming on

the show, we said, okay, how do you expect this to go? Or how will we make sure that we're not talking over each other, whatever those things are? Because we want to make sure that we're on the same page. We want to make sure that those expectations are clear and that we're not allowing a foothold for resentment or contempt. What are the different apology styles and how do you find out what you are and what your spouse is. Yeah. So there's five different apology languages we call them, um, or styles. These are created by Dr. Gary Chapman. Just to be clear, we did not. This is the love language guy. Love language guy. He also created apology languages. Oh. Yes. Okay. See, I've never done this quit. I've never done this quiz of his. Yeah. It's really good. So there's five different ones

who have to help me list them off. But um yeah. I mean, explain the basic concept of apology languages. Yeah. So just like how if you've heard of love languages right, which sounds like you have, um, we give and receive love in different ways, right? So for me, it's like quality time or acts of service for him. It's about all of them except for gifts. So, um, yeah, an apology language is the same idea. So, um, you know, some people might need to be apologized and by, you know, saying, um, I'm so sorry. I really regret that I did that. I feel really bad that I did that. And some people like might be okay with, um, hey, I'll, I'll make this up to you. Let me, let me do it this way. There's different ways that you can receive an apology. And until you receive that apology and the,

in the way that you need it, you might not feel like that argument is over. And you might feel like you never really got anywhere or what can be called it, like an argument hangover, for example. Wow. That's so eye-opening. So again, Dr. Gary Chapman created these. You can look up apology languages and you'll find it. There's a quiz online just like love languages. So I want to be very clear that we're not creating these.

But again, five apology languages. So you have accepting responsibility. That's my apology language. I don't really need all the song and dance. I just need you to take responsibility for the things that you did wrong. I need song and dance. Okay. All right.

I need you to feed me grapes. Yeah. I want a foot rub. I want you to tell me how beautiful I am. You're so sorry. How could you ever make me cry? Kiss me on the forehead a hundred times. Like, I need that.

All of it. Yeah. So we'll get to yours then, Alex. So yeah, so there's accepting responsibility. There's genuinely repenting, which is, I'm so sorry. I'm not going to do that again, right? There's expressing regret, which is I'm really sorry. There's requesting forgiveness, which is just simply saying, will you forgive me, right?

And then the last one is yours, right? Which is just they need you to really make up for it. Like they need you to show you that, that, you know, I'm not going to do that again. And I'm going to make up for it. I'm going to go take an ice cream. I'm going to go do that stuff. Yeah, I was just going to say, I'm really sorry. You want to go get some ice cream?

Correct. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Okay. See, now that you know that you know that. But no, I literally, I didn't even know that was a thing of having a different apology style and knowing that is so freaking helpful.

Wow. I literally remember us figuring that. We were maybe within a first like three or four months of marriage and we were in a conflict. And it was something stupid. I don't even remember what it was about. But it was like we were sort of saying I'm sorry, but I didn't feel apologized to. And I was saying I'm sorry and she didn't feel apologized to. And then we had, I think around that time we had read about the apology languages.

And how Britt wants to be apologized to is I need to take ownership over how I made her feel. Right. And so, hey, I'm so sorry that I, you know, upset you or that. I frustrated you or caused you to be like overwhelmed by this or whatever. And again, I need to have accepting responsibility. I need her to say, I'm sorry, this is my fault. I did this wrong. And so once we then in that argument said, hey, you know what, here's how I'm going to apologize to you and you apologize to me. It was like immediately. It's so disarming. It's so disarming. Yeah. And so I think that's a game changer for couples. And if you're sitting here and you're saying, I feel like our conflict never fully feels

resolved, it's typically because you aren't apologizing to your partner in the way that they need you to. Watching your kids unwrapped gifts this holiday season think about something. You don't want these sweet and carefree moments to end prematurely. When was the last time that you really looked under the hood? Your blood tells you everything you need to know about your health and what could be coming down the pipeline. That's why Jevity was created. To make health optimization easy, accessible, and personalized. Their four-step process starts with at-home blood work, then a virtual consultation, personalized supplements, hormone therapies, and anti-aging therapeutics delivered directly to your door.

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is so great for all ages. Head to juve.com slash Alex for an automatic discount to pop up. That's Juve J-O-O-V-V-V-com slash Alex. Treat yourselves and start your mornings right. What are some ways to kind of mess your spiritual lives together in the first year? Spiritual intimacy, like a quick definition of spiritual intimacy, which is what you're referring to, is pursuing Jesus. And then spiritual intimacy in marriage is just pursuing Jesus together. So a few ways that you can do that is by just going to church together, right?

Like praying together before bed or throughout the day, praying. over your spouse, like reading your Bible together, like all of those things that seem pretty simple, but it's just, it's really just pursuing the Lord together. Hey, what did you learn? Or hey, I really feel like I wanted to encourage you today and share this verse with you or whatever that looks like. I know you're, you like research and you're like stats and reporting and data and stuff. Have you seen the study that showed that less than one percent of churchgoing Christians who pray together regularly get divorced? Makes sense. Isn't that crazy? So when you look at that, that's spiritual intimacy.

Like spiritual intimacy doesn't need to be some big, heady theological thing. It's are you going to church together? Are you reading your Bible together? Are you praying together? Are you worshiping together? Are you serving together, right? All of those things are chasing after Jesus together. When you're in the dating stage or even the premarital stage, you're engaged.

And you're trying to talk about different boundaries and expectations. I think in a Christian relationship, you want to have some hard conversations about sex. and expectations, while also not tripping the other person up to get lustful, right? Or like get them thinking about things, but you also need to talk about things. So like when it comes to setting sexual expectations and talking about boundaries, how do you do that fine line without fronting them into sin before you're married? I mean, we always encourage couples to start that conversation like probably a month before the wedding. So first of all, like, that's not really an appropriate conversation to have when you're dating.

But as you approach the wedding and maybe the wedding night and honeymoon, you know, conversations like, hey, what do you expect us to do? Like, where do you expect us to go for our wedding night? Like for us, we really wanted to go to, well, I really wanted to go to like a nice spa, you know? And like, like, Kather was okay with going to the motel six. Like, it was like, you know. I mean, what are you going to say? You know, like, but it's like those things where it's like, what do you expect our wedding night to look like? Like, it doesn't have to be in like vivid detail.

But other things, too, is like talking about your sexual history. Like we had talked about earlier, that's important to disclose like before, you know, your wedding night also. And but you can have those conversations in a tactful way and in a way that honors the Lord. And it's not like. So you think those conversations should happen once engagement has happened, not in the dating stage? We think about like, there's sort of levels, right? So when you're dating, I think the advice that we would give to dating couples is talk about some level of sexual history. Now, you need to be careful here because you don't need to get into all the details. Like you don't need to share every single thing. Not the details are like paint a picture. But like, for example, do you think that it's important for a woman to ask the guy she's dating in a Christian relationship, when was the last time you looked at porn? Sure. Yeah, I think that's important. Yeah. Definitely. And then I think boundaries while dating, right? So looking back, I think is important while you're dating and saying what, what did this look like and what was this sort of past like for you? And then what are the boundaries that we're setting in our relationship?

What are the boundaries that you're setting individually for us to, again, like, honor the Lord with our purity? It's not about like how far is too far and it's not about like checking some box. It's ultimately saying like, God designed sex. He created it for marriage and we want to honor him in that. And we want to receive that gift in its entirety. And so how do we do that while we're dating? And so I think those are the conversations you have while you're dating. engagement, those conversations start to, again, look ahead a little bit. For couples that are engaged for a year or longer, like, it's not super helpful to start talking about your wedding night, because that's where I think you start getting into like the lust versus like boundary

conversation. Because again, you're a year out, you're six months out. Like, it's not that helpful. Like, you're going to start talking about things that are like ultimately putting you in a position that you probably don't want to be in. So that's why we say about a month before the marriage, maybe two months before the marriage, starting to talk about what is our sex life as a married couple going to look like. What do we expect to happen? What do we expect our wedding night to look like? What do we expect our honeymoon to look like? Those conversations become a little bit more manageable when the quote unquote finish line is in sight. Once you are married, how do you encourage couples to protect intimacy and emotional closeness from the chaos of life and work and family expectations?

I think just like making it a priority in your marriage. And also, I mean, on the other side, too, is just protecting your spouse by not like disclosing things to other people too. Like you want to to protect your privacy to and make your spouse feel really safe, like not only just in like with intimacy, but also in your whole relationship to like being a safe spouse. That brings me to something that I thought was interesting to ask. Is it crucial to seek advice from a pastor or older married couple at church versus family or friends? I think so. Yeah, it's it's a little tough. So what I want to be careful of, because anytime we kind of answer this type of question and we talk about this, we'll get people who say, well, what about spouses who are in an abusive relationship or an

abusive situation? Like, if that's the case, like, you need to get help. Like, you need to, like, go to whoever can help you, right? If you're in a normal relationship and you're navigating conflict and you're sort of trying to figure out, I can't, can't quite get over this hump or we can't quite figure this thing out. In the dating stage. In the, in any stage, really. What I would say, again, is there's, levels there. Dating, totally fine. Go to your parents. Like, it's okay to navigate that with your parents engagement, still okay to go to your family, but you want to start thinking about how can I protect my spouse? When you're married, we think it's generally never okay to go to your family if your spouse hasn't given you permission to do that. Because what ends up happening is if I go to my parents

and I say, man, Britt made me so mad and she did this thing, well, what's going to happen? My parents are going to be frustrated and upset with Britt. They're going to take my side. We're going to work through the conflict and we're going to be fine, but they're still going to be harboring that resentment. And so that's dishonoring to my spouse. If I'm kind of going behind her. back and getting advice from people that she hasn't, you know, sort of allowed me to, to give that advice. But as far as like, um, is there a hierarchy of good advice out there? Like, we go to our parents a lot. Like, we don't necessarily go to like our pastor. Yeah, together or, hey, is it okay if I reach out to your dad about that thing or is it okay if I, you know,

talk to my parents about this thing or whatever. Um, and generally we're okay with that. We don't necessarily feel the need at least in our relationship to have to go to a pastor. But again, there's a lot of value in that. There's value in going to counseling. there's value and going to therapy. Like all those things are important. But again, it's, we're approaching this together. We're on the same team. And are you okay with us doing it in this way?

What are you all's rules for how much you share about your marriage with your friends when you're, when you're apart from each other? I think if it's not something you would say in front of your spouse, it's not something you should say to your friends. I'm a huge fan of talking behind Brits back in a positive way. So like I will tell my, man, Brit is such a good mom. like, man, Brit is like, I can't believe she's like, you know, clean the house when I got home, or I can't believe she did this or she's letting me do this or she's, and I will really hype her up

because I want my friends or I want family to see Britt and have such a positive impression of her that nothing else matters. And so as far as like negative talk, we already addressed that, right? Like, I'm not going to go to my friends. I'm not going to go to my family and say, man, I'm dealing with this thing at home because again, that's dishonoring to Brit. As far as like talking about our sex lives, we also don't do that. Like, I think that's very dishonoring to, like, go, you know, chum it up with your buddies and, like, talk about what intimacy looks like in your marriage. Because, again, if you wouldn't say it in front of your spouse, you probably shouldn't say it in front of your friends. Do you think that it's important in the dating stage to ask the person you're dating how they would discipline their kids?

Dating stage? I mean, I think so, right? What did you say? I mean, mostly engagement, but. I generally think of dating as the time to get to know this other person in as many environments as you possibly. can. And so I like love it when people are around kids together or when they're around, you know, different environments or different situations. That's why, you know, is it okay to travel together? I think that's good, again, within those boundaries to sort of navigate what is this person like.

And so I think that's a good use of your time in dating. Some of those things are not necessarily fruitful if they're not deal breakers, right? So I think it's okay to ask some of those questions and navigate those things as long as you're both clear that that might change over time or kind of depending on their answer, like they're, you're okay with continuing the relationship. If you could give one piece of advice to couples about to enter their first year of marriage that they may not hear somewhere else, what would it be? I think lead with service, right? Like, I mean, you, there's like marriage will be so much easier when you are leading with

service and you're serving your spouse and just waking up every day, like, I'm going to choose to serve you even if I don't really like you right now. Or I'm going to choose to love you even if I don't really like you right now. I think in general too, like this, they probably have heard this a lot, but I've just continuing to reiterate, like, chasing after Jesus as fast as you can and challenging your spouse to keep up. Like that to me is like everything else will sort of sort itself out. Like if I'm trying to look more like Jesus, it makes it so much easier to serve my spouse, right? If I'm trying to look more like Jesus, it becomes so much easier to navigate conflict. If I'm trying to look more like Jesus, it becomes so much easier to look at my wife with love and respect and honor, right?

And so that is, again, it's a little cliche. I'm sure people hear that a lot. but it's true. Like chase after Jesus as fast as you can, challenge your spouse to keep up. Any advice for dealing with nightmare in-laws? I think you first have to understand, is this in-law truly toxic or are you just, like, frustrated with them? Because we'll get people who say, my in-laws are so toxic or they're a nightmare,

or they're whatever else. I'm marrying into this family. And really, it's like, that sounds like a mother-in-law who feels like she's about to lose her son, right? Like, it's maybe just acting out or, you know, she's a little bit frustrated or whatever. So I think boundaries are really healthy with in-laws. And some of those practically that couples might think about instilling, hey, don't drop by unannounce, right? Money is another one that we see couples kind of cross into weird boundary issues where her dad is sending her money and the husband doesn't know it and all that stuff.

I'm not saying it's not okay for that to happen, but it might be an area that you want to kind of navigate. Boundaries around conflict. Do we talk to our parents about conflict? Like we said, I don't think that's appropriate if your spouse isn't, is. and on board with it. So setting boundaries is really important. Second, understanding you're, probably not going to be best friends with your in-laws. And that's okay. But ultimately, a healthy relationship with your in-laws is a blessing to your spouse. And so it's okay to not be besties with your in-laws. It's okay to not want to spend every holiday and every waking moment with them,

but figure out how can I build a healthy relationship with them? And then like we've been saying, serve your in-laws. I know that's such a weird thing to like think about. When you go over there for holidays or when you're hanging out for Sunday dinner, like be the first one to jump up and, you know, do the dishes, be the first one to offer to bring over dinner, be the first one to help, be the first one to serve, right? And doing that is just such a gift to your spouse. Because again, even if you're not hanging out with your in-laws all the time, there's a way that you can serve and love them regardless. What are some books that you guys like to recommend for newly engaged couples or soon-to-be-enged couples? There's so many, there's so many

good ones out there. Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas is a really popular one that gets recommended. Probably the most like close to how we operate is ready or not by Scott Kedarsha. And Scott was one of our marriage mentors when we went through engagement. He's at Watermark Church in Dallas. And it's super practical. It's just conversations that you need to go through when you're engaged. So that's a great book. Things I Wish I knew before I got married by Gary Thomas is awesome. Love languages. Love languages is good. Hontie languages. And Apology languages are in that book. Things I Wish I knew before I got married. So there's a ton of great. engaged books out there. I also think like reading marriage books is okay too. Like for for couples,

I can't have any like great ones off the cuff. But, um, I think there's definitely some really good premarital books out there. And what resources do you guys offer couples who are looking to work with you? Yeah. So we have an online premarital course. Um, that's got seven modules. We just revamped it. Um, we have a 85 course or sorry, 85 page, uh, course work book that comes with it. Yeah. A bunch of resources within the course. So, um, we are not therapists. Like we're, uh, not really even counselors and we're not pastors, right? So our goal is to just make content that is incredibly practical that dating engaged in newly married couples can consume and be like, oh, okay, that's what that means. And that's how I actually walk that out. So like Britt said,

we have an online self-paced premarital course. It takes about two, two and a half hours, seven modules covering things like communication, conflict, intimacy, God's design for marriage. What is submission? What is headship? Like all those different things that couples navigate, finances, sexual and spiritual intimacy. So that's our kind of main place that we point couples to is to our course. And then within that, we've got our workbook. We've got a bunch of bonus downloads, like the ultimate guide to the wedding night and honeymoon.

That's like if you want a maybe not quite rated R, but like a PG-13 version of like what can you expect on your honeymoon? Like what do you need to bring? Like what do you expect if you've never had sex before? Like the list of things that you need for that. That's a good idea. And where can people get this? They can get on our website, loveyourfirstyear.com and just click the course button.

Okay, cool. And then where do they find you on social media? At Love Your First Year. We hang out on Instagram. We haven't gotten to the other channels. That's good. I don't know. We just never left Instagram. Yeah. If you guys could offer one remedy to heal a sick culture, emotionally, physically or spiritually, what would it be? Yeah. We believe that healthy marriages are the cornerstone of healthy churches. And healthy churches, I'm probably going to get a little emotional, but are the cornerstone of healthy communities, right? And so there's so many resources out there. And I think the church does a pretty good job of helping couples who are navigating divorce or navigating conflict. They don't do a great

job of helping couples upstream, right? The divorce rate in the church is still similar to the divorce rate outside of the church, right? And so how can we get upstream and help couples who are dating and engage? Prepare for marriage so that they can have an incredible first year of marriage, an incredible second year of marriage, and beyond. And so I would say that's really our heart and the heart behind why we started Love Your First Year and why we spent so much time talking with dating and engaged couples is we want them to prepare well so they can have a great marriage so that they can get plugged into a great church and so that they can be a part of a great community. Tyler and Britt, thanks for coming on Culture Apothecary. Thanks, Alex. I really appreciate it.

If you are newly engaged or you're about to be, you can go to Love Your First Year.com slash course and use code Alex to get $20 off their pre-marital course, which includes a ton of questions to ask each other on a myriad of topics before getting a marriage. That's loveyourfirstyear.com slash course and use code Alex to get $20 off their pre-marital course. We're healing a sick culture, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, Mondays and Thursdays at 9 p.m. Eastern, 6 p.m. Pacific. Please leave a five-star review, tell others why they should listen to culture apothecary. Subscribe to Real Alex Clark on YouTube and follow me on Instagram at Real Alex Clark and the show at Culture Apothecary.

I'm Alex Clark and this is Culture Apothecary.