EverydaySpy Podcast - DECODING UN General Assembly 2023 | EverydaySpy Podcast Ep. 17

Episode Date: September 29, 2023

Be sure to checkout the awesome FREE info kit from today's sponsor Birch Gold at https://birchgold.com/spy The world is experiencing a major shift in global power. Recent international summits from the G20 meeting to the UN General Assembly have shown an increasing divide between East and West. European allies to the US have changed their positions on the Ukraine War, prioritized trade with China and Russia, and are refocusing their efforts on their own domestic issues. Meanwhile, crises in Latin America and West Africa drain US dollars, energy, and efforts. Jihi and I can't wait to share the CIA lesson we see hidden in all the headlines. Find your Spy Superpower: https://everydayspy.com/spyquiz Learn more from Andy: https://everydayspy.com/ Join the SpyTribe: Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/EverydaySpy/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/everydayspy/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/EverydaySpy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The only real way to resolve conflict is through conversation, right? And able to have diplomacy, you also have to build rapport with somebody. And building rapport is when you find something with the other person to connect on. Repore is really nothing more than a productive conversation. We are absolutely in a world where global leaders are finding reasons to disconnect instead of finding reasons to connect. I am so excited to get to talk to you. I've been traveling and I miss you.

Me too. Although it is a shame that like the little bit of time we get to talk, we're filming it. I know, right? I was thinking that too. It's like, you know, I have these short phone calls with you and these short phone calls with the kids. And then when we set aside time to really talk to each other, we turn on the cameras. Exactly.

That's life right now. So I'm filming for the History Channel show that I'm part of. And I've been like elbows and knees deep into TV stuff. Can you tell me what in all the world right now are you paying attention to? I think the most recent thing that I was, I've been reading a lot about. It's in the news all the time is the UN General Assembly meeting just happened. That's right. You know, all the speeches that come out of that, all the post-assembly meetings that come out of that.

So I've just been kind of delving into little news stories here and there on that. Have you had a chance to read any of those? I'm guessing headlines come across your feed. Yeah, absolutely. You know, it's really interesting to me because when I see what's happening in the General Assembly right now and I compare it to what happened in the G20 summit just a few weeks ago, I feel like we're seeing some really interesting trends. And one of those trends is that some of the strongest world leaders are not participating

in these forum groups this year. Yeah. Right? So here at the UN General Assembly, you've got the members of the permanent select security group, right? The permanent members of the Security Council. France is not there. The leader of the UK is not there.

China's not there. Russia is not there. And this is the UN General Assembly that happens once a year, and these people are absent. Yeah, I mean, it's interesting because it's not business as usual right now, right now or in a very very very. adversarial environment in the global scheme of things. So it is interesting to see how the different players, you know, posture and try to get their points across. Even if you were listening to just

the various speeches that happened during the General Assembly, the things that they chose, it's like watching the President's State of the Union address, right? They choose to speak about specific things in a specific way to get a point across because that's, what everybody hears, that's what everybody sees. Nobody sees the negotiations that are happening behind closed doors. Nobody sees the conversations that are happening in meetings that happen after all the speeches are made, right? So it's a kind of posturing that you're seeing all these world leaders, what should I say, what should I show up to, what should we talk about, how should I say it? Yeah, how are you interpreting some of the unsaid things? Like how are you interpreting France's absence?

How are you interpreting China's absence? Well, France is going through some stuff right now with the post-colonial, you know, powers. You know, I think they're trying to figure out their place in the world. You know, there was, you know, they tried to step into a power vacuum, you know, when Trump started to pull out of certain agreements that had mixed results for them. They're trying to deal with, you know, countries in Africa that they have been heavily involved with and they're changing the changing relationship with those countries as well. Yeah, it's a terrible time. It's a terrible time to be a post-colonial country, right?

Yeah. West Africa is falling apart. Latin America, the migration and the crisis on the borders, not just the border of the United States, but the border of Colombia and the border of Mexico. I mean, it's insane. We really are. You're totally right. The world is a bit of a train wreck right now. And that kind of does explain why so few people of significance are attending the UN General Assembly. I mean, India's leader is not there. When you look at the bricks, just the bricks trading block, right? That primarily is constituted of five different countries, right? Brazil is there. India is not there. Russia is not there. China is not there. I actually don't know if the leader of South Africa is attending the UN summit this year. I'm not sure. But it's a really, really interesting time. And the thing that gets me the most, because let's be honest, what we're seeing is that the U.S. President, who is arguably the leader of the free world, is making time to attend global summits. He was at the G20 summit. He's going to the UN General Assembly. But the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, opposing powers who stand against the United States, they are not showing up. And not only that,

but if the UN General Assembly goes in the same direction as the G20 summit, the G20 summit softened their condemnation of the Russian invasion of Ukraine. It was a big deal, right? They actually took a less aggressive approach towards Russia, even though the conflict has been raging now for over a year and a half. And that can't look good to be the U.S. president on a global forum where you're promoting and pushing against Russia, but then you see your allies soften their language. Yeah, I think what's interesting when you watch global leaders is that, you know, I'm a big believer in diplomacy. You know that. And diplomacy requires.

It's very sweet. I'm a big proponent. Pat me on the head. But I'm a big believer in diplomacy and a big believer that, you know, talking, talking leads to action, right? And, and that's the only, the only real way to resolve conflict is through conversation, right? And so, but to enable to have diplomacy, you also have to build rapport with somebody. And building rapport is when you find something with the other person to connect on, so you have something in common that you can use to move forward. And what we've been seeing is a lot less rapport building going on and a lot more, forgive my language,

mushroom stamping going on, right? If you guys don't know what that means, don't have your kids look it up. It's a great point, though, my love. You're making a fantastic point because you're right. Like, this is the CIA lesson of the day, for sure. In order to build a relationship, you first have to build rapport. Repor is really nothing more than a productive, conversation. And in order to have a productive conversation, you have to have some elements, some value, some topic, some reason to be on the same page at the same time, to connect. Yes. And we are absolutely in a world where global leaders are finding reasons to disconnect instead of finding reasons to connect. And what's really interesting is that because of the age of

the internet and because of the accessibility that all people have to news sources from around the world, you know, we're not, we're not falling for the ruse that we've seen in the past where leaders take action that disconnects, but they claim that they're trying to connect. Right. We're not falling for that trick anymore. We're actually seeing with clarity that leaders are pulling away from each other, that leaders are posturing and politicizing things. things that actually impact our everyday life.

Yeah. So I think it's really interesting that you use the word politicizing right there because I was actually on my way home from the gym today. I caught this little snippet of an interview. I love my NPR with Rory Stewart, who is the, he's a former UK politician. And the snippet I caught was really poignant because I'd been thinking about this building rapport idea. and he was saying how politicians, something that happens to politicians, is that they become

politicians. They are no longer their, you know, the humble government service that they should be in order to get things done. They become politicians and they start posturing and they start, you know, bad mouthing opponents and it doesn't get them anywhere. Nothing moves forward because they're constantly thinking about the next vote, keep staying in power. power, right? And that's really important because it's also something we've talked about where that case officers have to be careful of because when you are a case officer and you are developing an asset, we've talked about personas. You take on a persona and you have to be careful depending on your level of cover not to get too deep into that persona because that's

not really you. That's a part of you, but it's not really you. And so politicians, they become, I think, ingrained in the politicizing of their job and forget who they really are and why they are there. They are there to create consensus and to move the ball forward. They are not there to posture and be adversarial and not get anything done. Yeah, I think what you're saying is essentially that politicians, they kind of forget that they're people. Yes. And for sure, what we're seeing is that politicians over time seem to forget that their job is to serve people. Yes. Right. For the, for the, you know, and depending on how high of a level you're going, right, you're serving the best interest of your country. And you could argue that the various

leaders of these countries are looking out for the best interests of their country. The issue that I take is that we live on one single planet. And the total. of war, not just on human beings, but on the environment and on the economy of like the global economy, you know, on lives, on the environment itself. It's, it's huge. So it doesn't really make sense to, for war and for for actual, you know, physical conflict to be an answer to anything. Yeah. It's interesting because I don't think anybody wants war to be the first answer. Right. But the reason that it becomes a solution at all really is because of, you know, essentially politics, because we stop connecting as people.

Yes. And we successfully disconnect to such a point that we can villainize each other and attack each other. Right. It's really amazing. There's so much more to unpack with this topic of rapport because you're right. CIA makes it a core facet of what they train us. Yes.

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take a look there, find out, check in, get their info packet, and learn for yourself the advantages that gold brings you in terms of long-term financial stability. Now, when we talk about rapport, this is super interesting to me because when politicians fail to do a good job with rapport, it leaves everyday people stuck wondering how we're supposed to behave, right? Are we supposed to behave in a way where we are kind and friendly with each other, or are we supposed to be something else? Exactly. When the, when the posturing takes over, when what everybody is seen, you know, what everybody is shown is posturing instead of the dialogue that's happening behind the scenes, because there is dialogue happening behind the scenes. It's slow and it's grueling and it's brutal,

but it happens, right? Some of it gets reported on, but really there's a lot more going on, then people don't realize that that's actually what's making the world move, is rapport building, is dialogue. Are these essential, you know, skills that the CIA taught us, politicians use those too. Successful businessman use those too, right? Like building rapport with another human being, dating, uses it too, right? I mean, it's such an important skill to have, and it is going on behind the scenes.

and that really is how work gets done. So I think it's important for people to remember that, you know, through all the speeches, behind the scenes, things are happening. And when things go on for a long period of time, that probably means that maybe some dialogue is lacking. But it needs to happen because otherwise we're not going to get anywhere. Yeah. What's really interesting to me is that, you know, you've mentioned multiple times how on the world stage, the rapport building happens off camera. Right. It happens in back rooms.

It happens after hours. And I would actually kind of take that one step further. And I would say that even in everyday life, most rapport happens off the main stage of life. Right. When your boss comes out and has a public meeting, that's not rapport building. Right. And when your boss stands next to you and your coworkers can see you, that's also not a moment for rapport. rapport is what happens when you're in a more private setting where you can kind of turn down the lights or you can turn off the microphones you know you can pull out a cigar you can pull out a drink

whatever it might be that's really where rapport happens and that's exactly what CIA teaches us too that the most powerful rapport is also kind of partnered with discretion so when you have those moments, even if they're just marginal moments with somebody that you're trying to influence or someone that you're trying to woo, it's understanding the right time to build that connection. And oftentimes the right time to build the connection is in those sidebar moments when people aren't really paying attention to you. Yeah. And it's funny because rapport building doesn't even have to happen and like you don't have to have like a session of rapport building it can happen in you know these smaller increments i remember um you know we had a really good friend at the agency

um who i would go into his office like like with an with with with a mission right i'd be like like i want to when i need to talk to him about this thing and i'd walk into the office and i swear to god every single time i walked into his office the first 10 or 15 minutes was rapport building and it used to make me nuts because I knew what he was doing. But in the end, I appreciated it. It was all, how are you doing? How is your weekend? How's Andy? What do you guys? Blah, blah, blah. And then, of course, you know, you ask about his family and whatever. But it builds this, you know, he is one of the few officers that I felt a real connection with after all of that, right? And he just built his rapport is, it's irresistible. Yeah. Yeah, because rapport is irresistible. It'd be

comes a tool that you can literally use to just kind of beat your opponent into submission. Because even if you, even if they don't want to be your friend, it's like killing people with kindness to a certain extent. Only not all rapport has to be kind. Right. Repor isn't about being nice or mean. It's about connecting. Connecting. Yeah. Yeah. So if you are, if you're critiquing somebody because you care about their improvement, that's rapport building. Exactly. If you're disciplining some. someone because they have broken a rule that you both agreed to, that is rapport building,

right? I mean, that really makes it personal. Yeah. And it takes it out of the realm of just professionalism and into the realm of everyday life. Exactly. I mean, even as husband and wife, like you were saying, you know, in public, you might have a public stance together, a public tiff, right? But it's behind closed doors. It's at home where you're building that rapport, where you know you take a quiet moment you know you stand next to your spouse when they're washing dishes and you rub their back right you just these little moments that you have or you're connecting and then those little moments add up over time to build more and more rapport so when you have those arguments it's easier for you because you have that connection built already to work through

all the hard conversations yeah you know it's funny too you've you've had some really cool poor examples, even in recent history with our family. And, you know, our family dynamic is difficult at times. I travel. I travel much more than I would like to travel. And, you know, for all the people out there who are listening in or all the people out there who are watching, you know, travel takes a toll on a family. And let's be honest, when you first get married, or even when you're first dating, nobody's really that important in their career when we're 20-something and we're dating and, like, of course, you know, you can almost always count on having dinner together Friday night and spending the night at someone's house on Saturday night and like spending the whole day together

on Saturday and Sunday. But then as we get older, even if we stay in the same relationship, as we get older, we start to find that work starts to conflict with our personal life. And then when you have children, the responsibility of parenthood also becomes a point of contention. and it can be hard to recognize when you have those sidebar moments, those discrete moments where you can really build rapport because you're so focused on the mission at hand, the task at hand. And I feel like that's been a challenge for you in the past. For sure, our marriage has had some hard years.

But I feel like you have some really recent victories where you've leveraged rapport with me and with both of the kids on their own really well. Yeah, I think that what happens is rapport building, especially if we're talking about a personal relationship, I think rapport building in the beginning is fairly natural. But over time and more responsibilities are piled onto your plate and your attention is pulled in different directions, rapport building has to become intentional.

And I think that that's what the agency teaches us is intentional rapport building, right? Because when you're going out and you're meeting, you know, I'm asked it or somebody, like, that's an intentional act that you're doing. But we don't think about being intentional in our own personal lives. It's personal, right? You married your spouse. They're committed, right? They're there forever.

So you don't think about how you have to continue to put in the work to build rapport. You don't build rapport once and then it's there. Like you have to continue to build it. You have to be intentional about it. So I think that's something that I personally have gotten better over the last few years of, you know, like you said, you know, our marriage has gone through hard times as well. And I've had to learn that lesson to be more intentional with you, to be more intentional with our kids and really make the time to intentionally build rapport with you, to understand

what makes you feel connected and what makes the children feel connected to me and then feed those things. Yeah. You know, we were on a cruise recently. We went to celebrate Eli's birthday. And her birthday was months ago, but like so many parents out there, we have a birthday and then we celebrate it months later. Yeah. Well, we have an anniversary and we celebrate it months later. But we went on this family cruise to celebrate her birthday. And during the cruise, I had this opportunity to walk with our son around one of the islands that we visited on the cruise ship. And it was this really cool opportunity because Eli wanted to play in the splash pad, so she stayed there with you. And Sina wanted to go

explore the island. So I went to go walk with him. And it was one of those perfect rapport building outings because he and I were off the main stage of life. We weren't in front of mom and we weren't in front of our little sister and we weren't in front of a bunch of people and we were just walking around barefoot on like this beautiful sandy exploring this beautiful sandy island and we came across this interesting bamboo grove and the bamboo kind of naturally grew up and around almost like creating a tunnel around this walking path and he looked at me and he was like dad let's go walk down the path and normally our son is a very cautious kid Like, he's not normally the adventurous one.

So I was kind of like, hell, yes, let's go explore. Like, this is so much, this is so different than who he is on the main stage of life, right? And we go when we walk into this little tunnel and like a wild chicken, literally like a rooster, an unkept rooster pops out, runs across the walking path. That's how you know that you're in Latin America when roosters just run across your walking path on the beach. Or Miami. Yeah, or Miami. And then a little bit later on.

like this iguana was hanging in the tree, right? And he's noticing this wildlife and he's loving it. And it's just, it was nobody but him and me, sand, wildlife and this like secret garden of thick bamboo growing around us. And it was a magical, magical moment where I felt so connected to him and he was talking just about like his interest in exploring and how much he loves to explore and he loves to see new things. And he even started talking about how he's, sometimes like he wants, he forgets that he likes to explore because he's so busy trying to escape from his baby sister. Yeah.

Right? But it was one of those, like that's, for me, that's a really strong example of rapport that I had with Sina lately. Yeah. And I think that brings up a really important point about rapport building is that it's, it's a very personal one-on-one thing. So, you know, when I talk about rapport building with my kids, it's really, one-on-one. It's not the two of them together because they're very different people. And that's why it's

important that it's this one-on-one, you know, exercise that you go through because every person is very different, even though they might have something, you know, if you have a group of diplomats coming together to negotiate a treaty or something, they all have a common goal. But every single one of those people is different. The connection you'll have with them is different. Their motivators are different. And you have to get to know those people, right? Pick out the key people that you need to get to know. and start getting to know them, building rapport with them, making that connection with them because then they will be more amenable to hearing out what you have to say.

And you have to recognize that on the public stage, when all nine diplomats are around a table, they're wearing a different persona. Yes. Then when they get up from their seats and they all go, you know, to the hors d'oeuvre table, if you will. Yeah. So you have to understand how important it is to build rapport in the off hours

so that you have the leverage and the influence you need when you're back on stage. Exactly. And I mean, even with, you know, children, you were off at space camp with Sina, and I got a chance to be with our daughter one-on-one for a week. And we didn't know how that was going to go because my daughter and I butt heads all the time. But, you know, even the first day, she was like, Mom, I'm having fun with you. I didn't expect to do this. I was like, okay.

But, you know, that. That gave me that ever since we had that one-on-one time together and we had a week to build rapport together, her attitude towards me has been completely different. And mine towards her has been completely different too. So now that you're away, you know, we have a very different relationship than last year when you were gone for the show. Last year when you're gone for the show, we had a very adversarial relationship. But this year, you know, we get along much better.

I understand her much better. And, you know, she understands me as well as a six-year-old can, but she's much kinder to me and much more polite to me when I tell her my true feelings, right? You guys went to go see the Barbie movie when we were gone, right? We did. We went to go see the Barbie movie when you were gone. And it was not what I expected.

That was definitely... What I think is so interesting is that, you know, you were just making a comment about how she only understand as much as a six-year-old. Well, there's then, like, Thanks to things like entertainment, you know, this Barbie movie that has gotten all sorts of like international critiques because of how it portrays men and women and yada, yada, yada, and gender roles. And I think it's brilliant in many ways to cause that much chaos about traditional gender roles.

But here's a movie that you identified was an opportunity to connect a six-year-old daughter with her 43-year-old mother. Yeah, so it's funny because when I first pitched seeing the movie, she has lots of Barbies, so I knew she'd be excited about it. And I thought, you know, I had Barbies when I was a kid. And so I thought we would connect on the like Barbie level. But then the movie itself is so, it's great for kids because so much of it really goes over their head. So like the visual and the songs, it's great for kids.

It's very entertaining. But the movie itself really has this very, very. adult theme of, you know, how, you know, patriarchy is, you know, an oppressive force and people finding themselves men and women being defined by society and having to find themselves on their own, blah, blah. But I was, you know, now I'm listening to the soundtrack all the time because, you know, my daughter loves the soundtrack. And the more I listen to the songs and I'm like mulling over, you know, because I don't think, you haven't seen it yet. So I have no way to to talk to about the movie.

So I'm mulling over like, what is this movie really about? You know, it was, I had this, like, it was this interesting idea today that I had that, you know, it has all these great concepts. And I, that require deep critical thinking, I think. You know, maybe more than the average person would want to do after watching a movie like that. But one of the things that I was a little bit disappointed about in the movie was how they handled the conflict.

So I thought the underlying themes of, you know, deciding who you want to be outside of societal expectations was great. But in the end, you know, the kids kind of like, the kids kind of took over Barbieland and the Barbies kind of tricked the kids into getting Barbaryland back. And I was like, you know, there's no, that's the, that's the exact thing that we're seeing on the global stage right now, right? People trying to one up each other. There was no dialogue and building rapport and negotiating and the place. homesty. Like, that's not how they resolved their issues. It was just, you know, one against the other. And then boom, everybody's happy and Barbie finds herself. I was like, I was like, well, I think it's interesting because you're, you're making a great point, too, about how misled we

become by media and entertainment. Yeah. Like real, real human beings have not achieved the incredible success that we've achieved. The scientific innovations, the societal, innovations, the technological innovations. We haven't achieved these points through constant conflict and constant infighting, right? We've gotten here through rapport and relationship building and innovation that we do together. We are honestly stronger together than we are when we're apart. Right. I mean, think about some of the most amazing moments in history. They all had to do with sharing and trade and open ideas, right? And then think about all the times, you know, that chaos has reigned from war and people just trying to take, you know, take land, take ideas, take people.

Like, you know, you can, you can look at history and see which one is more successful, which one, you know, had more development come out of it. So it's just, it's, it's really interesting to watch the cycle. Yeah. What do you find, what do you find is the fastest, to build rapport with me. That's g-rated. I know. I'm like, oh,

how do I say this? So, you know, your primary love language is touch, physical touch. So I find that anything I can do for you,

which is difficult. You still get this wrong. I can't believe how long we've been married and you always get this wrong. Because, Because confession, I am absolutely horrible at words of affirmation. That's why.

So physical touch is my number one. That's right. That's so much easier. It's your number two. Why do I have to create something nice to you if I can just stroke your hair? Well, and that's what makes you traveling so hard, right? Because we both, you know, historically connected on physical touch. But the more responsibilities we get, the more you travel, that's not the connection

we can have anymore. And yours is words of affirmation. And I am so horrible at it. I keep forgetting. I am certain I am not the only husband that is ignored by his wife. I'm certain I'm not the only person. I'm also certain there are plenty of women out there who know how important words of affirmation are.

Like how good a few nice words make you feel, but husbands are sometimes just too busy to remember to say things. I mean, one of the things that you often say is that you think nice things about me, but you never say them. Well, what's funny is I am embarrassed to say my thoughts because I feel like they're so cliche and they just sound so silly if I say them out loud and so I don't. I think you just said everybody, I just think you just said in front of the camera 15 minutes ago that you were going to mushroom stamp somebody.

Oh, I can talk. I can not be embarrassed to say that, but you're too embarrassed to tell me that I look nice. Because, you know, maybe it's because it's so much more vulnerable. But, you know, it just. I don't want to sound insincere, you know, with the compliments. And so I tend to pull back on them. But I realize, I have come to realize over time that you need to hear this all the time. And for you, it is sincere.

For you, hearing thank you isn't enough, right? Because for a long time, I was like, but I do affirm you. I say thank you all the time. And you're like, that's not what I need to be affirmed on. Right. You say thank you to them later. Right. So it's saying thank you to the garbage man. Yeah. So it's been interesting learning what you need to hear. So on the like rapport connection piece, right? Like you have to learn what that person is looking for, right? So it's been interesting learning what you, what words you actually need to hear so that I can provide you with those words and then getting over my own hurdle, my own roadblock of feeling, not feeling silly when I say those things. So if I text you, 20 times a day with all compliments about your hot body.

Like you, that's affirming for you, right? And those are things, thoughts I have. But I'm like, oh, like, why would I say that to Andy? Andy doesn't want to hear that. But you do, right? And it's affirming and it connects us and it builds that relationship, especially over distance. Yeah, you know, it's also interesting because, you know, when it comes to building rapport with you, it's very difficult to, build rapport with you until after you've had a chance to disconnect from all the things that

stress you out. Yeah. So, you know, when we talk about that combination of connection and discretion, for you, the two don't happen instantaneously. Like, for me, the two happen instantaneously. If you and I are walking around in a hallway and in a hotel and we open the door to our room and we close the door to our room, I am instantly connected, right? It's discrete. and I feel connected. But for you, it's not that way. For you, it's like, oh, we just shut the door. Now you start the process of like systematically shutting off all those things that you're thinking about.

Yeah. I don't want to think about work. I don't want to think about the kids. I don't want to think about tomorrow. I don't want to think about dinner. I don't want to think about, you know, whatever the news was just saying. It takes time before you're in a place where we can build rapport together. Yeah.

You know, physically or emotionally. And it's really interesting because you're right. You have to understand the person you're trying to build the connection with. Yes. Because the only way to connect is essentially you have to connect on their terms. Yes. If they're not in a position where they can connect, no amount of effort from you is going to build rapport. Exactly.

Yeah. I have like five G he's yapping at me in my head all the time and I just have to shut those girls out one by one. But there are things that help. So like leaving the house helps. being in a new place helps getting something I like food and you know getting like a nice drink right tea or something exercise yeah all of those things are helpful to help clear it out so that I am then able to connect right you know small gestures help so yeah it's you definitely have to you know part of building rapport is getting to know that other person enough to know how they connect yeah absolutely

Absolutely. Now, before we wrap up today, we always try to take a question from somebody. Did you have a question that you picked that you wanted to bring up today? Yeah. Part of what triggered all this was somebody asked the question about how do I become a better communicator. And so that's got my mind going. Yeah. Yeah, you know, it's such an open question. And it's such an important question for a lot of us because everybody's trying to find a way to communicate better. And the first thing that jumps to my mind is what CIA taught us about how to build rapport. And I see why you wanted to talk about rapport because they told us that the first step to building a meaningful relationship and the first step to building powerful rapport was being quiet and listening. So I feel like there's an answer there, right? So if you want to become a better communicator, really the first place to start is by actually communicating less. Like by trying to communicate your point less and be receptive to what other people are trying to say first.

Right. And I think that's a great point because we were just talking recently about having the important part of connection is being able to connect on the other person's terms. Yeah. Not in a hostile, aggressive kind of politicizing way, but in a general. genuine relationship building way. Like, I want to meet you where you are so we can have a connection. Oftentimes, the only way you're going to know where someone is is if you can just be quiet enough and listen, they'll tell you with their words and with their body language. They'll tell you where they are and they'll give you guidance on how to connect. Yeah, I think as cliche as it sounds,

it's being a good listener. And I think, you know, part of the problem I was having with you, you know, early on was that I was like, I'm listening to Andy. And what I meant was I'm not talking when you're talking. But at the same time you're talking, I'm having all these thoughts, all these preconceived notions of, oh, well, Andy wants this or Andy said this, or I already do this. And, you know, I might not be verbally talking over you, but my thoughts are talking over you. so I'm not really listening to you.

I'm not really catching, you know, the message that you're trying to give me. I'm not picking up, you know, on the words you're saying, the meaning behind them, your body language, true listening is being completely open to what that person is saying and paying attention to, you know, the eye contact and the body language and the words and then, you know, putting some thought into what, you know, what does it all mean, right? Like what does that mean coming from them and then asking thoughtful questions to get more? I don't want to make it sound like we have to adjust our position all the time to meet somebody else where they're at. It's important to understand that other people also want to meet you where you're at.

They just don't have the vocabulary that you and I are using right now. Anybody who hasn't heard this conversation between us isn't really going to have this vocabulary to share. So if you have a hard time turning off the noise in your head, oftentimes all you need to do is just communicate to the person who's talking to you and say, hey, I missed part of that. Can you repeat yourself? Or I only caught 20% in that. Can you repeat yourself?

I've even heard you say, I need to say everything all over again because I was talking to myself in my head. And honestly, it's not offensive to me. If anything, I'm like, oh, wow, you actually want to hear what I have to say, right? You're not just going to pretend like you heard me. You're not going to pretend like you understand. You're telling me to my face that you weren't listening or you're telling me to my face that you didn't understand.

And you're doing that as a demonstration of your commitment to the rapport that we're trying to build right now. People overestimate the value of a little bit of honesty. Yes. Like that will go a long way in developing really effective communication. Right. And I think you use a really good technique where you will say, you know, especially when people say something and they'll be like, does that make sense?

You will actually say, let me repeat back to you what I heard to make sure I understood it. And there's lots of different ways that you could say that depending on the conversation. Oftentimes you say that in a business conversation. But if it's a more personal conversation, you could say, oh, so what I hear you saying is, you know, blah, blah, blah. but it's it's you know the repeating back to them because if you say the wrong thing then they'll correct you um but they at least know that you're trying what they'll at least look at you funny yeah yeah so you know but then that's a way that they know that you are trying to connect

and then it allows you to connect with them better and then you can do the same for them where you offer up, you know, you give to get, basically. You offer up things that are relevant that will help them connect with you more, right, on the same issues, on the same topics, on the same beliefs, you know. Talk about connecting where somebody is. I really appreciate you, my love. I really appreciate you making time to talk with me today, even though we had to do it, you know, from thousands of miles apart over the internet connection. I'll do anything to see your beautiful face. Oh, you've got a weird taste in what's beautiful, I'll be honest. I think you're the most handsome.

But it really means a lot to me, and I really do appreciate having a chance to talk to the lady of my life. Yeah. And have a chance to have an intelligent conversation about what's happening in the world and to talk about the kids and to go walk down a bamboo shrouded memory lane. Yeah, I love these conversations with you, and I do love. that we get to share them with others and, you know, have them comments and have them ask questions and we get to build rapport and connect with people in that way. And I think that's, it's been so wonderful. Yeah, it's been absolutely wonderful. So folks, if you've enjoyed today's conversation,

please feel free to leave a comment, give us a like, share us with somebody that you think would enjoy these kind of conversations too. I mean, we do this to connect with each other, but we also do this so that we can connect with you. It's very difficult for us to be able to build all the relationships out there that we want to build. And there are so many people that we just can't wait to meet and we just can't wait to serve and we can't wait to help. And one of the easiest ways and one of the most effective ways that we found is really through these kinds of open conversations, these kinds of dialogue. So leave a comment. Tell us what you liked. Tell us if there's something you didn't like. Please leave us a question so that we can answer it in a future episode.

And again, subscribe to the channel, like it, share it, give us a little bit of love one way or the other, and don't forget to visit our sponsor to give them a little bit of love for making sure that we had this opportunity to talk to you today at birchgold.com forward slash spy. Baby, I love you and everybody else. I'll see you next time.