EverydaySpy Podcast - How to Become Irresistible

Episode Date: January 24, 2023

Nobody likes being ignored, and yet we ignore most of the people we meet. Have you ever wondered why? In this episode, Andrew gives you the ultimate life HACK to capture and keep someone's attention any time you want it. This is your chance to get into the mind of every client, customer, and date you want to win-over now and for the rest of your life. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

My name is Andrew Bustamante, and this is everyday espionage. One of the biggest challenges that I have day to day is deciding who to give my attention to and who to ignore. And it's, I mean, it's a challenge that I'm sure we're all familiar with. Because whether you're at home or whether you're at work, whatever the situation might be, there's always people trying to catch your attention, whether they're advertisers or whether they're children or whether they're neighbors. And there's always people who.

you have to give your attention to because they essentially make themselves just completely irresistible. I know irresistible can come in a lot of different forms. In my house, my son is so irresistibly kind. He is so irresistibly sweet that when he walks into a room or when he walks past me doing his work or listening to his headphones, I just can't help but notice him and I can't help but reach out and give him a hug and tell him I love him because he's just that kind of kid. My daughter, on the other hand, is so irresistibly powerful that she is completely unignorable. When she wants something, she just gets louder. She gets more in your face.

She gets more direct. She is just completely and totally a force of nature. And that makes her irresistible. So I have these two very irresistible children, but they're irresistible in their own separate ways. And of course, everything I do at work, every time I'm on LinkedIn, every time I'm on Instagram, with every email that comes in, with every phone call that I get, I'm constantly having to compete between these two irresistible kids and whoever's on the social media network or whoever's on the phone or whoever's in my email inbox. So I thought it would be interesting to share another

tactic this season where I show you how to make yourself irresistible. And you don't have to be irresistible like my daughter. You don't have to be in everybody's face and you don't have to be loud and you don't have to be irresistible like my son, where you're so patient and kind and quiet that essentially people just break down because you're so different than everybody else. There are very useful tactical tools that we use at the agency to make ourselves irresistible to our targets, irresistible to intel sources, irresistible to our peers and foreign countries, and irresistible to diplomats and irresistible to military decision makers and irresistible to the corporate elites.

Now, the first thing to understand is that human beings, they are naturally attracted and unattracted to certain behaviors. And the most repulsive behavior out there is a behavior that is unnecessarily obtuse or mysterious. Right. So when someone is aloof, when someone is distant intentionally, right? when someone is a bad, essentially they're a bad communicator because they are trying to appear like they are more interesting than they really are. That is a very repulsive, almost suspicious behavior because when we see it as human beings, we don't see it as curious and interesting. We see it as belittling and confusing. Now, we have two parts of our brain. We have a prefrontal cortex, and we

have a paleomalian brain, essentially a front brain and a rear brain. Now, of course, the brain is more complicated than that, but if you'll stick with me just for a second, you'll see what I'm trying to get out here. Our prefrontal cortex is the part of our brain that uses the most energy. So whenever you're trying to make it through your workday or make it through your weekend, it's your front brain that's deciding what gets your attention and what doesn't get your attention. And yes, sometimes it's based on mood and other times it's based on personal interests. And other times it's based on responsibilities and whatever schedule you set out for the day. But at all times, that front part of your brain is very focused on prioritizing things that take the least amount of

energy. Your brain is actually very lazy. It's very lazy because it's built to conserve energy. It's built to preserve your resources. If you can remember, if you can remember, if you can think back to caveman days, food wasn't a promise. Food wasn't a guarantee. And they weren't sleeping on, you know, beds with nice pillows and warm blankets. So they were under-resourced almost all the time, under-fed, under-rested. So the brain was developed in a time. It has evolved over time to make sure that it can prioritize low energy, low-effort tasks first. So when you see a high-effort task or a highly complex task, the natural brain cognitive instinct is to actually do it later to push it back, to procrastinate. That's why so many of us procrastinate all of our work in university and in college, because it's usually very complicated work.

So there's this intrinsic connection between getting people to notice you and being very simple so that they are attracted to when they notice you. Does that make sense? If you're complicated, then when people notice you, they see complication. That complication tells their brain that you're going to take a lot of resources. And then that makes you unappealing. So then they don't keep paying attention to you. They actually prefer to go somewhere else. They seek out someone less mysterious.

They seek out someone less confusing. Someone less aloof. That's the way the human brain works. Now, I know there are people out there who think that, you know, well, aren't you supposed to be, you know, aloof when you're flirting and you don't want to be too direct and you don't want to be this and you don't want to be that with a with someone of the opposite sex or whenever you're in a job interview. All of those kind of one-off circumstances are essentially they are a tactical breakdown of their own. But what I want you to understand is the core

connection here, the tactical connection that comes from being clear and simple and maintaining someone else's attention. Because whether you're trying to win the attention of a female, a male, an employer, a child, a spouse, a partner, anyone who you're trying to capture their attention, their brain is wired to pay attention if it is a simple, low effort task first. So if you want that person's attention, whether they're a child or an adult, it's in your best interest to come to them with a clear, simple message up front. Now, for me, this plays out all the time in social media. I'll get direct messages in Instagram or on Twitter.

I'll get emails in my inbox. I'll get phone calls. And it's surprising to me how often people will reach out and try to act coy, or they'll try to act cryptic, or they'll be mysterious, as if somehow I'm going to prioritize their message because they seem so interesting, right? I've actually got some examples here that I want to share with you. Here are some DMs I've actually gotten on LinkedIn.

Hey, Andy, I have some ideas I think you'll find really interesting. Let's talk. That was it. That was the message. I have no idea what this person wants to talk about. I don't know if they're talking about business. I don't know if they're talking about spy history. I don't know if they think I'm interested in baseball.

I have no idea. So when my brain reads that, it immediately delete. the message and moves on to the next message because it's too cryptic. I don't know what to make of it. You've seen this happen to you too. Here's another example from LinkedIn. I'm sure you get a lot of messages and have to ignore most of them. You don't want to ignore mine. Trust me. That was the message. The end. What in the world is this person talking about? What are they asking me to do? What makes them so interesting? Why would I not want to ignore their message? Is it because they're going to warn me that like my water is about to get turned off or are they trying to give me like a heads up on some big

breaking piece of current event news? I have no idea. These cryptic LinkedIn messages are coming from people who are reaching out to me because they are looking for some kind of business opportunity. They're looking to change their career. They're looking to change their business. They're looking to make money. They're looking to do something productive. But with these messages, I am not responding to them. I'm not responding because I can't, I can't see a simple, clear path to producing something valuable with them based on this kind of message. Now, if you're the one sending some kind of message like this, especially if you're doing it related to your job or your career, if you're trying to be mysterious or cryptic or interesting or coy or funny in your, in your messaging,

to your boss, to your peer, to your clients, you might be losing. Because when their brain reads, a cryptic, coy, funny message, they don't really know what you're asking for. It just seems confusing. And it's the same thing is true when you're talking about social friendships, too. Here's some Instagram examples. Here are some DMs from Instagram that I also want to show you. We're not written with clarity and simplicity in mind. Here's the first one.

Andy, I have information you need to know. DM me back right away so I know that you're real. I don't understand. what is so important? What is this information? And how is me responding to the DM going to be any kind of proof that I'm real? I mean, I could have a bot that responds to the DM

and just says, hey, and does that mean that I'm real? I have no idea. This is exactly the kind of DM that gets deleted and ignored. Here's another one that I got on Instagram. Bro, secrets and lies. Secrets and lies. I got truth. Hit me back and I'll hook you up.

mind-blown emoji. Seriously. I would love to tell you that I'm making this up. I would love to tell you that this is a joke. But the truth is you get these kinds of messages too.

You have seen these. And the more important you are, the more powerful that you are in your job, in your household, in your neighborhood, I am certain that you have people

who are constantly competing for your attention. You have seen people compete exactly in this way. The reason that you don't give them your attention, the reason that they don't win your,

business or win your awareness is because your brain is immediately repulsed. It's turned away. You don't necessarily think that they're stupid, but for sure you think that this is complicated. This is hard. In order for me to learn more about this conversation, I'm going to have to have two or three more email exchanges. I'm going to have to have a half a dozen direct messages before I know what's going on. Vice versa, if you're the one trying to gain the attention of a powerful executive, or if you're trying to win a new client, or if you're trying to even just get a cold call to stay on longer than 15 seconds, what you have to do is get away from mystery, get away from cryptic, coy, circumspect commentary. Don't be generalized. Instead, be very

specific, be hyper-focused because clear, concise, compelling messages are inspiring. They inspire people to take immediate action. Because clear, concise, and compelling is what the brain is looking for and it's what the brain computes as low resource, simple solution, fast win, right, immediate success. That is something the brain wants. That's something the brain likes. So now let me give you some examples of people who have reached out to me on LinkedIn and Instagram with very, very clear, very concise messages that my brain couldn't help but immediately respond. I actually lost my own motor control to just skip it because it was so simple. was so clear that I was compelled immediately to respond.

The first example from LinkedIn goes like this. Andy, I'm the CSO of a growing business in the HR space. Our 2021 revenue was $14 million. I'd like to hire you to work with our executive team this quarter. Can we set up a time to talk about your rates and your training offerings? What an awesome message. You can tell it was three times longer than pretty much any other message I'd read to you. But it was so clear.

It was so specific. I understood exactly what the person wanted. I understood exactly when they wanted it, right? I am looking to hire you to work with our executive team this quarter. I even knew I could understand more about their business because they told me what their 2021 revenue was. This is a really powerful example of how a cold direct message outreach wins a response. Here's another really good one from LinkedIn.

Andrew, your recent string of interviews has impressed and inspired me to push my business to the next level. Are you taking new clients right now? Right away, I understand this person has watched my interviews. They own a business. They want to push their business to the next level, and they want to be a client of mine. And then their question is a simple yes, no question. Are you taking new clients right now? My brain can't help, but pay attention to this person and give them a response because of how powerful and clear that simple question at the end is. The same thing is true with you. If you're trying to win someone's attention, don't make it complicated. Don't ask them questions that make them think critically. Ask them very simple questions because that's how you're

going to move them forward in the way that you want them to go. If you ask them, how would you feel about working with me? That's a very difficult question. But if you ask them, are you taking new clients? That's a simple question. If you ask somebody, what do you want for dinner? That's a hard question. If you ask somebody, would you like tacos for dinner? That is a very simple question. Do you see how this works? One last example from LinkedIn. Andy, I know you must see a lot of messages on LinkedIn, so I'll make this one simple.

Would you be willing to work with my inner city education nonprofit at a discounted rate or even on a pro bono basis? Again, I love this example because the first two examples, people were looking to hire me. It's really simple when you're like, oh, well, if somebody wants to pay you money, of course you're going to respond to their, message. No, that's not necessarily true. Here's an example of somebody who's very openly telling me right away that they're going to either pay me a discounted rate or they would prefer to not pay me at all. That's what pro bono is. But still, after reading a message like this, I can't resist. I can't help but pay attention to who this person is. It makes me want to work with them. It makes me want to give up money so that I can be part of whatever their educational nonprofit is.

Let's take this out of LinkedIn and let me give you some examples from Instagram just to wrap it up, right? Here's how a DM goes really well in Instagram. I appreciate what you are doing, Andy. It takes a lot of courage to make yourself and your family so public. My father was in military intelligence and said he would never admit it publicly because he was afraid of keeping us safe. I just want to say thank you for being open where he couldn't. How could I ignore a message like that? Compare that to one of the ones that we just, we talked.

about earlier, right? Bro, secrets and lies, secrets and lies, I got truth. That is a completely ignorable message. I don't know what that person's talking about. But here we have someone who says that my father was in military intel and said he would never admit it publicly for fear of keeping us safe. That's a powerful and simple, clear message that makes me want to engage with that person. Here's another good Instagram message. Great interviews with Lex and PBD. My podcast is much smaller than either of theirs, but I'd love to have you on and share you with my growing audience. My YouTube channel has 50,000 subscribers and my interviews last no longer than 60 minutes. Can I book an hour with you this month? What an awesome message. Again, this is my way for everybody

out there who has reached out to me or other guests because you want to have them on your podcast or you want them to come on to a company webinar and do like a lunch and learn or even if you just have questions for them and you want them to talk to you on the phone. When you reach out to somebody and you ask them for their time, the first thing that that person is thinking is, how much time do you want? And what am I going to get from spending this time with you? And they're not thinking it because they're trying to be selfish or they're trying to steal a bunch of money. What they're thinking is very practical. I only have a certain number of hours in the day. I have to make, I have to prioritize certain commitments in order to make sure that there's food

my family's table, what is the commitment that this person wants? Now, generally speaking, I am looking for interviews on large podcasts with large platforms. I love the fact that this person reached out and told me that their platform has 50,000 subscribers and that their interviews are less than 60 minutes. That tells me exactly what kind of platform this is. It's crystal clear. Where I would normally say no to an interview like this, to this person, I said yes, because I was so impressed, so impressed that they had hit me with this cold outreach that I could not resist. I wanted to make absolutely certain that they knew I appreciated it. Last example from Instagram, Andy, no need to respond if you're too busy. I've learned so much from you and I've put it into my daily practice

at work and at home. I'm making more money, enjoying my marriage and sleeping better than I have in the last five years. Please keep doing what you're doing. It's working. This was an awesome message that made me respond immediately. Now think about that. The first thing this message said was, Andy, no need to respond if you are too busy. I'm always very busy, just like the rest of you, right? But this message was so clear and so concise, it was so on point that I could not resist it. I'm telling you, clarity is the key to winning someone's attention, whether it's work, relationships, whether you're trying to get your mom to pay attention or your daughter to pay attention. Whoever you're trying to win over, what their brain wants on a cognitive level is a

clear, simple solution. They want to know that answering you is something they can do quickly and easily. The way that they understand what you want is by you communicating very clearly and very simply exactly what you're looking for. You can want something big. You can want a one hour interview. You can want someone to work for free. You can want all sorts of big asks. All you have to do is make your ask very simple.

Ask the question directly and simply. And that's going to make it so the person can't resist you. Even if you don't think they want to do what you're asking them to do, you might be surprised when people say yes. because you have asked them to do something very big in a very simple way. And that is Everyday espionage. Everyday espionage is dedicated to one thing, educating everyday people. I know that not everyone will listen, but those who listen will learn. If you learned something new today, click subscribe, review, and share the podcast with a friend.

Find me on social media at Everyday Spy or on my website, Everydayspy.com. If you are up for a special challenge, visit Everydayspy.com forward slash operations and join me for an authentic spy training mission. And above all else, remember that knowledge is freedom.