F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Bartenders Know You Suck At Dating

Episode Date: September 8, 2025

This week we go off script and give you dating advice based on the grim things we've seen as bartenders and servers.

I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you and when I'm trusting I love. I put my trust in love. Hello friends. My name is Day Miller. And I'm Nile Spain. And we're your fuck buddies.

We are a sex and dating advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations, and turn them into sexy, sticky situations. Simply put, we find questions either online and from our incredible listeners and we answer them right here right now on the topics of sex and also the topics of dating, and everything kind of related to it. And sometimes, things that aren't related to it at all, occasionally.

Rarely. Rarely. There have been times where I see a question where it's like, my roommate did this, and I'm like, we could get our teeth into that one. Yeah, and then sometimes I will make a joke about, a fairly obscure joke about Dark Souls' death mechanics. At the very end of an episode, and people will be like, what the fuck are you talking about if you haven't played? But I mean, like, if you're not playing, if you're not playing a, like the Soulsborn games, what are you doing?

What are you doing? What are you doing? What do you do? Unless it's playing Silk Song tomorrow or when you listen to this episode a couple of days ago. Yeah. Let's do some positivity. I realized I didn't do any positivity. There was none.

Last week. But this week, I would like to get back on that train because I want us to be in the right headspace. Do you have anything that you would like to positivity? showed out? So it's dumb, but like I, so we're minding my partner's family's dog, who's an angel, but she's really weird. Like she's very particular about like when we go on walks, all of us have to go on the walk or else she won't really walk. So like if we take her out and it's just one of the two of us, she may go a couple of meters either side of the door. She may piss, which is kind of the main important thing, but she just doesn't really want to go for

walks unless everybody's there. So yesterday, because she's getting old. so her bladder control isn't great. I was taking her out while my partner was in a meeting. And we went and it was the same kind of thing, couple of feet, and then she jammed on the brakes and then we went up and down and, you know, but then we went home because she like led me home

and then just we were going in, she like planted her feet and like wouldn't come in and then decided she wanted to go on this big long walk. So she turned around and led me off on this big long walk for no reason. It was very cute and it was very nice. And the weather was great and I was really happy. So pretty much it. Hell yeah.

That's great. Um, for me, it's, I got to spend a absurd amount of time with, uh, my friends and my partner these past two weeks. Um, you know, we were at fan expo two weeks ago, uh, which ended up meaning we got to hang out a lot. Like, we, we ended up for drinks afterwards and dinner afterwards. And we also got to like, you know, hang out with friends that we either have just recently met or, or don't get to spend a lot of time together. Um, and then this past week, uh, my partner's mom was in town. So we, we, spent a lot of time doing partnery things. It was her birthday. It was just a really nice couple weeks of, it was a lot of, it was a lot of being on and a lot of, it was quite exhausting. It was very nice to like kind of shut the engines down yesterday. But other than that, it was, it was very nice to just sort of like be engaged with a social

boy. Yeah, a lot of people that I care about and just spend some like really good quality time with some people. And that was quite nice. And it was, it was something that like kind of filled the tanks. Uh, and then yesterday, like I said, I shut the engines down and just kind of like spaced out and and played some video games and watched some movies. And it was, it was just a nice like little button to the end of just being like,

okay, now we can bring everything down to like neutral and just coast for a bit. Uh, and that was, that was delightful. Hell yeah. Um, now I pitched you an idea right before we got on this call and started recording. do you want to do that now or do you want to do let's go for it i'm deleting the tabs i had ready as we see hell yeah fuck yeah click um done click this incredible question gone as you know uh nile and i have have worked in the service industry for a long time i've been a bartender for like over a decade well over a decade um and we have seen many dates a lot of first dates uh and then i think just like

a lot of, you know, couples going out to eat. And we thought it might be interesting to share to the people who haven't worked in the service industry or don't have sort of the eye or the mind to sort of like pay attention to the things we do because of the nature of our show. Talk about what we witness and observe as an objective third party to a lot of people's dates. Because I think that sort of like, for example, when I was, when I act, did. I learned so much from the days where I also got jobs as casting. So I would work as

like a casting, you know, assistant or whatever. Um, those were the days I learned the most because I could watch actors audition and I'd be like, oh shit, I do that all the time and it sucks. Uh, so it was, it was one of those things where I learned so much from being sort of like outside of the, the realm. And I think a lot of people would learn the same if they could watch how, how people react on dates when they're not in it. It's the do's and don'ts of dive bar dating. And I just said dive bar because it had a D in it. Yeah.

It's the do's and don'ts of dating at a bar. Yeah. Or restaurant. I think like any... Okay. Doos and don'ts of being in a bar or restaurant or anywhere in between a cafe possibly. Fuck you, Dane. It's getting less and less snappy. Yeah.

That is where I'd like to start. Do you have... Do we want to start at like sort of like the opening? I think we should start at like the beginning of a date because I have, I have a, like a baseline of, I think a lot of people wait for their date at the door or like don't want to be seated. I think that's weird. What are your opinions on that? A lot of this is going to be with the caveat of like depends on the bar, depends on the date. Yes.

But I think if you can get a seat, that's good. Like, it's good for you to secure that seat because you don't know if 20 people are going to arrive, which, 20 people sometimes rock up and I'm like, what do you do it? Go home. No one should have 19 friends. Yeah. Who organized this? Yeah. And if you did, why didn't you fucking book a table? You idiots? Anyway, that's a whole different thing. So I think one, just making sure you have a spot and it's a spot you like is good. And being able to figure that shit out without your date kind of hovering and you awkwardly not knowing each other but having to negotiate that, the more you can do before they get there, the better. And I will tangent off into. I think one of the things me and Dane are going to talk about a lot is you being a dick. So when you get there, don't be a dick. Like I had somebody show up the other day for a date and this guy was such a fucking douchebag. Like everything he did was basically a checklist of what not to do. But one of the things he did was he arrived and he was like an hour early for his reservation.

Okay, dude. And then he started kicking up a fuss saying he should get a table because he's early. I'm an hour early. I should be definitely the table should be ready for me. It's like that's exactly how it's. doesn't work. We reserve it for the time, you fucking idiot. And he started kicking up a fuss and making a scene and he's at the door and we're busy. And like, if someone wants to date you after that, God help that person. But it ain't going to be me. So I think, yes, I agree. I don't think

there's anything to be gained by waiting. I don't think there's anything rude about sitting down. I think it's nice if you message them and say like, hey, I got us a seat. They arrive. They say they can find you easily. It's nice. There's no downside. Whereas again, if you're standing, somebody might take a table, there might not be room. It could be strange or just like left standing awkwardly beside each other. So I think get your seat. Don't be a dick about where you sit. It probably doesn't matter.

Here's my two cents on that. I think it does matter where you sit. I think if you need to like know the bar that you're going to, if you don't, it's on the person who invited you to know the bar that they're going to. To a medium extent. I don't think it's a really a deal breaker. but I think you need to know what kind of date you're going on and what kind of the spot is, right?

If you're going to a place that has like a rowdy bar service where there isn't table service, sitting at the bar is probably not a great idea because you're going to have people walking up and wedging up between you guys, yeah. Yelling orders the whole day. Alternatively, if you're not going to be ordering dinner

and you're going to a nicer place that is mostly like a sit down restaurant, sit at the bar. So you're not taking up a table for, you know, a four-hour date where you're only going to have two drinks because neither of you want to get drunk because that sucks for the server

in the section. This is... These are the things I think we're going to focus on a lot of being like, you're going to have a better date the more the server or bartender likes you. And this is essential.

This is essential for what we're telling you here. It's like you're not in a vacuum. There's a person coming to your table and being a part of your date, whether you realize that or not, and the energy they give you and the energy they get off you is going to feed into this date, as well as comments they make, things they do for you,

how they do them for you, et cetera, et cetera. Like if you make an enemy of your server or bartender, your date is going to go poorly. Even if your date doesn't realize you're being a dick, the whole mood is going to switch a little bit. And I will say the very first date I went on with my current long-term partner, we were at a bar, we were sitting at the bar, we were having fun, we were being nice to the bartender, and at one point they came by and were just like, you guys are awesome, like you guys of such great energy.

Like, I love you two. Like, is this like an early date or whatever? And we were like, yeah, it's like date one. And they were like, oh, my God, I can't believe that. You guys like get on so well and blah, blah, blah, blah. I was just like, bigging us up. And it's like, that makes you both be like, yeah, we are doing, you know. Meanwhile, they could have been like, yeah, guys, we need that bar.

So you got to go. Yeah. You know, like there's a world of difference. And it's like someone hearing that you guys are great together feels good. Yeah. And look, the way that service has gone these days is there's a very good chance you're get a shit server anyway or a bad bartender or a grumpy bartender or whatever but the there's no reason to make it worse and there's no reason to as now said like make an enemy of the person

who's taking care of you because then you're going to be looking at like longer wait times because they don't give a shit because you're a you know a two top that's taken up there a table in their section for four hours and your bill is $40 or $20 or something like they don't care about you because even even if it's not malicious it's just you're not a priority yeah I'm going to be taking care of the table that's had three courses or the six top or the dudes who are slamming rounds like those are more important to me because they're they're spending money and i'm making money off them yeah that's me being able to pay rent yeah when i when i go over to your table and you're like oh no we're fine for now it's like all right great i don't care about you and again there's no problem with what

you're doing i don't expect people to come in and just throw hundreds of dollars every time they sit down but there's there's also like a hierarchy of who gets my attention and it's is Dan's hierarchy of needs. Dane's pyramid of No, for sure. So it's like you've got to set yourself up as best you can. And also, why not be nice

to other people who are having a bad day? Because if you're working in the service industry, you're having a bad day. I think you should also like consider. And I feel like you'll probably agree with me on this. I'm a bar sitter. I think the best place to have a date is sitting at the bar.

One, you're closer to the person serving you drinks. two, you kind of always have something to, like, talk about because there's so much happening. So you can always, like, kind of pull from around. Worst case, what's that drink? Like, you know? Yeah. And three, you're closer.

You're next to each other. And it's not weird that you're next to each other, right? That's so great that you mentioned this because I was about to talk about when we were mentioning where you sit. Don't get a booth and sit side by side. Especially if it's like, actually in general, but like if it's a restaurant, if you're going that for brunch, get over it. go home and fuck like if you need to be touching each other you need to be sitting inside like

no it's so fucking weird you can't use the table correctly you're cramping everyone else's space it's embarrassing stop uh yeah like i like sitting next to the bar because it's like you you can if if the moment arises and it feels right it's like you can put a hand on a knee you can you know what i mean like there's you have a hand around the back of the chair not quite touching but still intimate yeah you have the ability to to escalate sort of like a physical connection with someone. Okay, I don't know why Dane just cut out

that part where he said during your day game you can escalate your keynote, but just say with your chest, man. People, people weren't ready for it. People weren't ready for those words to come out of my mouth. Yeah, bar is good because, again, one, you're not going to take up a section

where you not drinking or not eating might be whatever. Two, you might get more swift service because the bartender is right there. three it's a little bit more conversational four you're right beside each other not in a weird way thank God and you can like you know maybe touch a little knee

at some point when it becomes appropriate and like oh god there's there's so many aspects what do you got next I think okay so so yes sit down before your date gets there they'll be able to find you stand up give them a hug sit them down don't be a dick when you get there if for some reason you either miss or early for your

reservation be chill again if your partner is with you and they see how you treat serving staff and it's not good, they're going to think you're a doucheback. Yeah, I mean, baseline, that that's going to be the message throughout is, is you should, your bartender or server is your best wingman in this situation. I will make her break a date depending on how the people treat me. If you come in and you're a dude and you got a cutie with you, I mean, even if she's not a cutie or if I don't find her attractive,

if you're an asshole to me, I'm going to flirt so much with this woman. and make you look like a fucking idiot because you think that you're better than me and I will prove to you that you are not. And it's so easy is the thing, right? Because like we talk to people for a living. We're in our home. You ask for something and you're unsure.

It's like it's very easy to just make you look dumb by repeating what you said and being like this. Like it's very simple. Meanwhile, we get to talk to them. Also, when you go to the bathroom, she's ours, buddy. Also, like, I will tell you, you are not original in your douchebaggery. in the sense that I have dealt with you and exactly like you and your attitude and probably

almost word for word the things that you're saying to me hundreds of times. I've been doing this for 10 years plus. I have like every opportunity to think of the perfect compact of what you've said. So I have like a rolodex of of zingers that I can just pull out of out of like muscle memory, not even like quick wit. I have quick wit. I'll be fine if you throw me a curveball. But I have so many, like, things just locked and loaded in the chamber to ruin your fucking day.

It's like Groundhog Day. I've done it so many times. I'm like, oh, yeah, I know this exact step. I'll also say, I've never seen somebody come in, be a douchebag to staff and have the date go well. Ever. Like, I've never seen. I've had people who've been dating for a long time together be douchebags and also still seem miserable. But, like, that's as close as a douchebag has gotten.

like it going well. Yeah, I mean, I say that confidently, but no, I've definitely, especially in the neighborhood that I work, where it's just like some, like some douchebags, like, some people are there for the, the alternative benefits of that person, which are not their personality. Monetary. Yeah, like either looks or, or, you know, status or whatever. So, like, I've seen. Even then, like, I've seen people who very clearly that was the reason why, like, I used to work in a find a dining restaurant and like guys would come in who obviously they're like big business boys and they got their suit and they're throwing money around and you can tell like it's an early date they're going to a restaurant with like 80 dollar dishes like this person isn't unaware that this

guy is swinging that wallet around right and then you see them just slowly lose the will to live throughout that date where it's like even the money is not doing it anymore you know um i literally once had a guy. And it's one of the worst dates I've ever witnessed. But to me it was incredible because I get to just watch this guy like crash and burn where he like, and I quote said, I'm the kind of guy who

has a problem with authority. Like, I'd pull a cop over for speeding. And I was just like, damn, son. That's the worst thing I've ever heard a person say. Like, what are you going to do? Like, beep your horn and like, no. Like, no.

Also, that's ultimately not a problem with authority, you just want to be the person who has authority. Yeah. Right? Like that doesn't even make sense, like, logistically. Like, you are enforcing the rules on authority. You just want to be the higher authority. You don't have a problem

with it. The problem you have is that you are the ultimate authority. The best was just seeing her face and she was just like, mm-mm, like, just like, you know, and you can't really emote because any emotion you're going to do is going to be bad and her just like, mm-hmm.

Now, I will sort of branch off on this is making friends with the bartender is also a great way how to get out of a bad date. Specifically for women, a lot of bars have like secret code phrases that you can, you can tell or say. Now, unfortunately, sometimes the bars don't tell their male bartender staff what that secret code phrase is. And on a busy Friday night, you say, no, there's never been an Angela at the worst. you stop talking to me. I had this woman, I could tell she was not feeling the date. I got skeevy vibes off the dude immediately.

And at one point she was like, I don't remember what our women's name is, but like there are things in the women's washroom that says like, for you guys, don't they just have to say, fuck buddies episode seven. It's, there's like,

there's things in the women's, and then M. Y. Chamelan gets them out the back. Is that seven? Those 17. That's why it's the code word, because it's wrong. Anyway, in the women's washroom, there's, like, things that say, like,

are you in trouble, like, ask for whoever? And the woman was like, oh, how long have you worked here? I was like, oh, so you must know, like, Angela or whatever. And I was like, nope, I've been here X amount of years. Like, there's never been in Angela here. And but, like, no one had told me about that, right? I had no idea about it. And then finally, I went to the only person who had been there longer than me.

And it was like, this shit keeps asking for Angela. Like, was there ever an Angela who worked here? and she was like, oh, that's the code phrase. I was like, okay, cool, thanks for letting me know. So I had to go back and be like, oh, we never called her Angela. We called her Angie. Like, I'm sorry. Like, I've never heard her called Angela, so I never thought of it.

And then I got her out. I was like, yeah, she's working upstairs. And we just snuck her out. And then the dude was just like, I don't know, man, I guess she bailed on you. That sucks, dude. I think Angie put her in a bag and ran off. Yeah, I think they're just catching up. Sorry.

You fucked up your date. You're weird. But there's ways to like, you know, when the boyfriend or the partner or the dater, whoever goes to the bathroom, you can be like, hey, I'm having a bad time. Is there a way you can give me an out or like I would like to pay my bill quickly, right? Like you can make a, the more rapport you have with your person taking care of you, the safer you are, hopefully. Again, this is all operating under the hopes that the place you're going is run by decent people. Yeah. Yeah. Now, I think, as to your point earlier when you were like, you need to know the restaurant vis-a-vis where you're sitting, I think you also need to know it vis-a-vis your preferences. I've had people come into my place where we don't really do very many, like, substitutions and like our dietary, the things we can do to, you know, accommodate certain dietary restrictions are limited. And then they start throwing a fit because they want X or they want Y or they do this. And it's like, again, if you're having a little meltdown in front of your date, that's not. hot. But it's like if you're keto and you can't have sugar cured bacon and a place only has

sugar cured bacon, don't go there to have bacon. If you're non-alc and you go somewhere with just pop and you're upset that there's no alcoholic wine or whatever, like, yeah, it sucks. But again, that's on you for choosing the place. So if you have an allergy to something, if you have a preference for something, if you have a need for a certain type of drink or whatever, make sure that place has it. Because if it doesn't, that's on you. And again, I can't, not count the amount of times that this has happened. And it's like, you just look like an asshole and an idiot, especially if you make a scene about it. Yeah, it's, it's important to listen to your date or talk about, like, I don't think it's

ever a good idea to spring something on someone in terms of be like, I'm going to take you somewhere where you don't know. I think that's bad, especially this day and age would be like, cool, you're going to kidnap me. Yeah. But if that does happen, if someone says, hey, we're going to go on a surprise date and you know you have preferences or whatever, that's on you to be like. Hey, that's cool. I like this idea. However, I am vegetarian. I am keto. I can't eat fucking octopus, you know, whatever. Yeah. It's, it's important to let your date know, like, what your

restrictions are or just your preferences. For example, like my girlfriend doesn't want, didn't want to date on a first date. And she let me know, where is it? Drink on the first date, you mean? Hmm? You mean, didn't want to drink on the first date? Yeah, what I say. You said, didn't want a date on a first date? She didn't want to drink on a first date. That's a hard one to do. Yeah, that's tough one. I crack that nut, but I, um, so I obviously didn't bring her to a bar because like, that's weird. So we went to

a dessert place and that was the thing that made sense. Um, so it's, it's important to like know that stuff because like, there's nothing worse than like bringing someone to, like, even if you knew like if you're like, oh, I know you don't want to drink. So we're going to go to this place. And hopefully, like, they'll probably

have something. Like, I don't know. Uh, so yeah, knowing weird to ignore that shit. And I will say, Also, like, I, okay, specifically, I have a friend who went on a first date with someone. They went on a picnic, like they did a hike, right? Like a seaside hike in Ireland where there's kind of like these long trails that run along the cliffs and like every mile or two, there's like a place that like connects it to a road. So in between, you're kind of cut off, right?

They went on a picnic and halfway through, they sat down and they start eating and she was allergic to nuts and hadn't told him and he had put pesto in these wraps. and she started to have an anaphylactic shock and he had to, like, literally put her over his shoulder, call an ambulance, and run a mile to get her to an ambulance before she died. She didn't. She was great. They're still dating.

They have a kid and a house. Good job them. But like, sometimes I think people are like, oh, like allergy isn't hot. So I'm not going to mention it. Or like, oh, that's whatever. Just mention it. Please, we don't want people dying.

You know, it's not hot dying. Unless. Unless. No. it's not don't die uh okay here is some of the things here's some like just red flags that i see a lot arguing arguing with your date i think look there's i love a good spirited debate i love you know having different opinions on things like art but if you're going to sit there and talk to to someone or like have a conversation with someone about like feminism and look this is

maybe great for you in terms of you reveal that you're a piece of shit and yeah and you know so maybe do argue yeah maybe but like the amount of times where like i see dudes like clearly just being i don't know contradictory i guess to be interesting and like it not landing the way i think they like i think they think they're having a really intellectual conversation but really they're just like not listening to their date and also it's a weird like this might be something that both of you enjoyed doing. But it's a weird vibe to do on a first date. Yeah, but like also I feel like where I see men fall down with this a lot is they're playing devil's advocate or they're having fun with, uh, you know, something. But that thing that they're having fun with is something that

doesn't affect them at all. So it's like, oh, feminism. Like we're just joking around and play devil's advocate. And it's like, yeah, cool for you who like in these circumstances aren't dealing with us on a daily horrifying basis, but it's like, it's not joke for this person. And then when people get upset, they're like, huh? Like surprise Pikachu face. It's like if you are going to, I don't think you should do it. I think if you feel a certain way about something, you should just like be that thing, not just choose to be contrary to cause conflict. I also don't think arguing is worth it. If you're on a date and you're starting to go into an argument, it's like either you need to determine that this thing doesn't matter and like change the subject. Or if it does matter, this probably

isn't the person for you. And so one of the things I like doing, uh, that, like, I, I find that like most of my dates is like if, if we start talking about art or movies or music or whatever, uh, and you get into sort of like a spirited conversation about different art forms and stuff, you need to make sure that you don't get upset and like, and that your tone is one of, of excitement and, and enjoyment and not like, I can't believe you, you don't like this. Like, it's one way and it's like that you all like godfather too that's what i mean it's like people like get real intense about things but again i've also had it on like where i've said i haven't liked a certain thing and my date has gotten like weirdly intense and weirdly aggressive about it and like

if you're going to get this fucking hot over something as inconsequential as me not liking whatever um it it just sets the stage for like i don't know i i don't want to see what happens when something that actually matters comes up if this is how fucking heated you're getting about this. So just like if you are going to have differing opinions, which is fine, that's kind of what makes dating interesting, uh, make sure that whatever you are talking about is kept light and is, you know, make sure you're cracking jokes, make sure you're smiling, make sure you're laughing, make sure that the, the conversation is fun to be had and not like a,

a defensive back and forth of like you guys getting really weird and tight and like, angry about stuff because that's yeah but like again at this point it's like if you're getting that heated about something either the thing doesn't matter and you need to fucking stop or the thing does matter and it's like do you think shouting at this person you barely know and a restaurant is going to change their mind

to a point where you're going to be happy with this relationship it's probably not worth it on either end of the spectrum so change the subject get out of there whatever it didn't work out um back to kind of something we almost mentioned is like the canned one liners and the jokes and the like

We didn't enjoy it at all or like someone's struggling with the machine because it's being so, I guess it's free. No, no one's enjoying them. Your date's not enjoying them. The server's not enjoying them. Bartender's not enjoying them. Take those out of your repertoire. Save them for when you're 80.

Yeah, these work and by work, I mean, are tolerated when you have gray hair. When you are old and it seems like this is the only thing you got going for you, I will, I will listen to you, be like, no, I hated it when your plate is lick clean. great. Yeah. Hilarious. Just be genuine. You know what I mean? Again, like, confidence is about like, like, standing by what you say and do. So it's like, if you're just like, hey, that was really good. That was really tasty. This drink was awesome. Like, thanks so much. Like, that is good to hear as a person. But I think it's also just nice when you're dating someone who's just like straight up and positive. Great. Yeah. Another thing I think is really weird. And I see dudes do it all the time at my bar is they get fucking strange when I mentioned that I've seen them before. As if

that, like, they, they're on a day and they could never have, like, gone. It's like, the neighborhood I work in is, is pretty small and pretty insular. And the likelihood that you've been to my bar is pretty high if you live there. So it's so strange when I'm just like, hey, what's up? Like, you know, this beer that you drink every time you're here that I see you at least like two or three times a week. Um, if you get weird, it would be like, oh, yeah, like, if that's weirder than if you're just like, yeah, thanks, man, because that seems. cool when when a bartender knows you yeah means that you're liked roughly at least that's the

or it means you go to the bar way too often which i think is maybe i'm guessing this person is either worried that one it'll look like they're a loser who's here all the time or two that you're implying they've been there prior on dates and will give their date the wrong impression yeah and i get it like i understand that but it's like if that's what you're worried about if you're worried about the fact that you think that she's going to think that you go on so many dates here that I know your drink that's, I think that's strange because I think like on her part

right, I think that's a failing on your dates part to be like, oh, the only reason he would ever go out and ever frequent a bar is for for going on dates. Yeah, I don't think it's very realistic. I'm just saying I kind of understand or I know what they're thinking. I also like

I don't generally tend to bring up that I know people unless they bring it up because one, I don't give a shit too, but it is slightly different. between like the vibe at a bar top versus at a table. Yeah. And it's like we're not in a, this isn't a mob bar, right?

Like I'm not here to be like, oh, hey, haven't seen you since the last time you and your wife came in. Like that isn't my role here. We're not covering for your shady illicit dealings. If you don't want me to, to recognize you, don't,

don't be a regular or don't be like friendly when you're by yourself. Like, I'm not going to pretend like if you walk in with someone, pretend like I've never seen you in my life. That's not my fucking job. My job is to provide good service and my idea of good service is when I see a regular coming in who orders the same thing every time that by the time he sits down. Every time they've been in and every woman they've been in with. Yeah, exactly. That's prime service. Dane, like, do you know the amount of work Dane has

to do to remember every woman you've come in with? He has to get their name. He has to find them. I'm just like, oh, the ninth blonde you've brought in this month. Interesting. Very good, sir. Really breaking the brunette streak of February of 2020. Yeah, Dane just functions like the Spotify podcast metrics, but for, oh, your retention is down this month. It's weird to me when you get weird, because like the second you start getting weird about it, then you're giving your date a reason to be weird about it, right? That's when it gets weird. Yeah. Or you look suspicious.

Don't order for someone unless you 100% know what they want. Or you know what you're talking about. Yes. Yes. Like if again, this kind of goes into knowing the restaurant, but it also goes into this crazy thing. I think a lot of people should do more. It's called reading the fucking menu. Like it's crazy how little people do this Where they point out of the thing And they go, what's on this? And I'm like, look, guys, this is going to blow your fucking mind

But you see the text right under the thing you're pointing at It's that. It's the things listed there. And again, if you're concerned there's going to be Something that is common or whatever Or you have a preference, There's no harm being like, hey, is there cucumber on this? Is there whatever on this?

Because sometimes not every ingredient is listed. And that's fair. But to just be like what's on this when it's listed right there or to order something that's not on the menu or to like just put words in your date's mouth. I think that's pretty fucked up. So it's like if they tell you what they want and you're comfortable ordering for the table

and they don't seem to mind, that's fine. If you've already established and you have a game plan, sometimes I think just getting the order out smoothly is great for everybody involved. But if you've just decided you're going to be like, yeah, she's going to do this. It's not it, bud. Let your date talk.

There's such a difference between being, like ordering for someone and not allowing them to talk. If I'm talking to someone and then you're cutting in and you're like not allowing me to have a conversation with that person, you look insecure and pathetic and weird. And there's, it doesn't happen so much anymore, but sort of like years ago when craft beer started to be a lot more of like a thing in Toronto and specifically like women started getting into beer as well. Like there was the league of beer drinking women.

Um, there was, there was like kind of a real resurgence of like women. of like women going away from like the vodka crayons and the vodka sodas and drinking craft beer which kicked ass um there was this weird moment where like men refused to allow themselves to believe that women knew what they were talking about in terms of like beer and the amount of times men would she would be like oh i'm looking like i want to get an ipa and he would like oh you'll really like this and it's like a fucking logger or some shit um or they'll specifically like give me key like words that that they're looking for.

And all the dude would be like, oh, this one's not that hoppy. And he's pointing at like a fucking bone shaker or something. You know, something high on the I've used. I'm just like, what do you stop talking? Like just, yeah, if you don't know what you're talking about, don't say anything. And this bleeds into the amount of times I watch dudes try to bullshit about something that they think their date is into. And I'm just like, my dude, you sound like an idiot.

And this is coming from someone who also doesn't know what the fuck you're talking. about, but I know that you're wrong. And if I know that you're wrong, your date who wants to talk about this topic knows that you're wrong and lying and you sound like a fucking idiot. Cool thing about your date being into something is you getting to learn from them and talk about it. It's pretending you know that thing that they know about that you don't means that one, you kill that moment, right? You don't get to grow closer. You don't get to be interested or interesting. And you also get to look like a fucking idiot. So why would you do that? just this is a great moment it's i love being like i have no idea what the fuck that is even if it's

something maybe embarrassing you know what i mean if it's something real obvious there's something that maybe you should know about if it's a commonly watched a movie or tv show or band if someone's like oh i went to this you know i don't know name a band that's vaguely popular and i'm like you know what they're pretty well known but i've never listened to them like no one's ever like ew what the fuck everyone's like oh shit i like this song i like this and like i could just be like, yeah, I've heard of them and, like, hope that they don't fucking press and I, or if they do press lie and like, no, like, what the fuck? Like, just own it. Just be like, yeah, I don't know what that is. Tell me one of the, one of the big fears on a first date is running out of things to talk about. The second you're like, I don't know what you're talking about, please tell me, then you now have to you, the onus of you having to come up with anything to say for the next like 10, 15 minutes while your partner enthusiastically talks about something they care about is. That's a gift. Because you can just be like, oh, thank God.

I can just, all I have to do is dial in and listen and, and respond to the things that they're saying. Yeah. That's all I got to do. Fuck yeah. That's problem solved for the next little bit. Also, you're learning about them. You're learning about something new. Like the whole point of the date.

Yes. It's the best part of dating is when you're like, oh, shit, this, this person's really into this thing. And like, now I'm really beginning to like them more because I know more about them. I see them getting like passionate. Like, to take that and go the. I know it. I fucking know it. Yeah. Well, I just try to lie and, like, kill the conversation.

Because you're not going to be talking because the more you talk, the more you realize you don't know anything or the more they realize you're bullshitting. So you're going to try to say as little as possible while frantically thinking about lies instead of being genuine, honest, interesting, interested, et cetera. And that person's either going to think you're a fucking loser who lies about shit or think that you're boring because you're not going to say much. But just don't. Yeah.

now this isn't so much of a date and more of a like if you're out and trying to impress someone and this I think more is more for a bar bar vibe than it is for a restaurant vibe but like being the loudest person in the room doesn't make you the most interesting or doesn't make you the funniest or doesn't make you the most viable sexual partner or whatever you think it is and I see this happen with dudes all the time where they think that like being the most obnoxious and the loudest and the biggest and the the most willing to throw money at a problem which is you know getting someone's attention and it's it i don't think it's ever worked and i'm one of those people i will i will allow and i will be like yeah sometimes

shitty things do work this is i would say the the easiest way to repel people away from you because like it's so much and it's so obvious what you're doing it's essentially like putting a giant neon sign that says like desperate look at me pick me and it's there's no worse energy to approach someone with than that and i i see it all the time and it's absolutely fucking heartbreaking to watch these people who like i'm like okay you you do have charisma and i think if you brought the decibels down you could actually be funny but because you are shouting everything and talking over your friends and you know jumping on anything that anyone seems to pay attention to.

You look like a toddler. You look like that kid who's not getting paid attention to and you desperately need the focus. And it's just, it's unbearable. Also, don't start frantically waving or clicking your fingers or leaning halfway across the bar if you're looking for a drink. Your bartender knows you're there. They will get to you and you being a douchebag about it

means they're going to get to you less. Same with if you're at a table and if you need something, If you need something that urgently, it's probably a failing on your part, right? You haven't planned accordingly. You're like, oh, shit, we got to go to that movie or whatever. That's on you. Don't stand up and wave. Don't be a fucking douchebag, right?

Also, tip. Let's talk about that. Hey, let me just tell you how I tank a date, the most frequent way I tank a date. If you come in and you act like a baller and you order this and you order that and you rack up a huge bill, and then you either don't tip me well or you don't tip me at all, which is a pretty common thing. This is, this is what, so the same energy of the loudest guy in the room who then is like, like, like, oh, round of six tequila. And I'm like, all right, great. I have $6.

No, no, no, no, the good stuff. The good stuff, the good stuff. I know I'm not getting tipped. The second you do that, I know I'm probably getting a $2 tip or a zero or whatever. And you know what I'm going to do at that point in time? The second you turn your back, I'm going to find the most attractive woman in your group and I'm going to pull off your receipt and I'm going to say, hey, I'm sorry, your friend forgot his receipt and hand it to her. Or if you've paid me cash and you've left me like 30 cents, I'm going to get that 30 cents. And once again, I'm going to call her the most attractive person.

I'm always going to bring you that sad change. And I'm going to say, hey, your friend forgot his change. And I'm going to give her the bill as well so she can look and see, oh, you just gave him 30 cents on an $80 bill. And I'm going to fucking blow your shit up. And I know, I know bar etiquette, that's bad. But you know what else is barriced at bad? Not tipping me.

Yeah, it's like barricade. Who fucking cares? oh, you don't want your receipt? I didn't know. And I will also. Human etiquette. You suck shit. If you try to come back to me or order another round, you're going to wait a very long time. I will literally polish all of my glassware before I serve you. And if you

keep trying to get my attention, I will keep saying, sorry, just one second. One more second. Sorry. Sorry, just got to do this one second. And you will get the hint that I don't like you. And everyone in your group will get the hint that I don't like you. And there will be a reason for that. Yeah. And that's the thing. even if it's not overt, the energy is going to change, you're going to look weird,

people are going to notice it, right? If you don't have the money to spend, and I'm talking specifically about that, like, oh, yeah, get around in, like, oh, the better, like, you probably don't know what the top shelf you're asking for costs. You may not have enough for 10 people or 12 people, and I understand the urge to be like, oh, everyone likes me, I'm really cool, I'm doing this thing, but it's like, for your sake and for your servers, for your bartenders, don't spend money you don't have. You don't wake up tomorrow and be like, fuck, I burned like, four.

$400 fucking dollars buying shots for people I don't really care about who don't care about me and like nothing came from it. Like no one's going to be like, hey, Josh came out last night, didn't buy everybody, top shelf tequila. Like, that's not how it works. And you're also probably not getting that much benefit from it. And you don't want to be that guy people invite just because you get drunk and buy everybody drinks.

Let's talk about getting drunk. It happens, right? Sometimes the booze panther is out prowling and it gets you. There have been times where I've been on dates. I mean, there's a bar that I really like to where if my friend is working, it's game over. And I literally have to like message up and be like, hey, I'm coming in on a date. Do not do what you do to me.

I'd just be like, I need you to chill. But like, you know, every now and then, it's like I'll have had a good dinner and I go out and still like three drinks in. I'm like, ooh, you need to know that. And you need to be able to make that call, whether it's a matter of. just having some water or slowing yourself down and just being like, I'm taking my time with this one, but please feel free to grab another one. Like encouraging your date to not feel weird that you're slowing down.

Have a lighter beer, have a tall vodka soda or whatever instead of short. Like there are ways to slow down and you need to do them because you don't want to be messy, right? For your date, for your safety, for everything. It's very, very important that like the first date is an interview. The first date is a vibe check. If you get sloppy drunk on your first date, this just tells me that, like, this is what, like, when you get comfortable with me, it's going to be worse. It's going to be like, I'm not, we're not going to be able to go out without me having to, like, carry you home every night.

If this is what you're doing on a first day. And I understand that, like, accidents happen. I once went on a date with someone who was like, hey, it was like a spur of the moment thing, too. It was like, we had just matched. We were both out. And it was like, you know, 5 p.m. And I was like, look, I'm in this area. If you're around, she was like, I'm also in this area.

But she was like, hey, just a heads up, I have been day drinking. And I was like, you know what? So have I? Let's keep this like a one or two drink, very cash and like, you know, just a meeting vibe check thing. And it's important to know that, right? Like if we had gone in and treated that like a normal date where it's like, you know, my average date was probably like four or five hours usually, right?

If I went and drank as much as I'd been drinking during the day and then treated that date as like an own separate thing, I would have been fucked up. And it would have been bad. It would have been sloppy. I would have been like all my head and weird about it. But instead, we were like, okay. Even like if you guys hadn't talked about it, one of you might be like kind of acting differently and you'd be like, what the fuck?

You know, like there's no shade in like if you've been having drinks and someone last minute text you or whatever or you got off work and there was a work party and you had a beer or two. Like it could be worth just being like, oh, I just had like a beer at a work event. Like, you know, just so everyone's kind of like in the loop. And it's also fine if someone was like, oh, hey, you know what? Like if you've been day drinking, I think maybe like let's just wait until we got a fresh slate because some people might be uncomfortable with that. Right. Like some people might be worried that like you're going to be toasted. I wish more people did it to me when like back in my single days where people like booty call you at 2 a.m. And you were like auto correct is too good now to know. Because before back in the day, there'd be numbers and shit in the letters because of like you'd have to like press the button so many times. And it was like, okay, I know you're fucked up. So I'm going to. But like now with like auto. correct. It made it almost impossible to sort of like drunk check people. And then they show up to

your house and they'd be absolutely wrecked. And you're like, well, great. Now I'm either putting you in a cab or, or, you think your night's going to go one way. And it's just like, oh, I'm feeding you water and hoping you don't vomit. Great. Yeah. Yeah. Um, so just, just keep a, keep a level head out, but like, how much you've been drinking. Um, I, I think it's, I think it's the best way to go. I think, I think, avoiding getting drunk on a first date is a, is a great way to do it. Yeah, like, keep it lower. You're going to have more fun. You're going to remember more things. You're going to be yourself more. You're going to be in less danger on either side of the table. You're going to spend less money. It's all kind of a benefit, you know, trying to keep things in check a bit. Yeah,

I will say one of the worst dates I went on was someone who, I don't even know why. We had like two beers, maybe three, and she was fucked. And she was like, I'm so sorry. Like, I never get like this, but I literally had to carry her down. It was still bright out. I had to get her a cab and put her in this cab and then she was like, I never saw her again because I was just like, that's not the vibe. The fact that I had to like leave this planned night and like literally like baby you into a cab while the sun was up and like I was just like, maybe it was a mistake. Maybe there was whatever.

But like that's what first dates are. It's a vibe check and the vibes weren't doing it for me. So it's one of the few dates I've been on where I was like, yeah, we're not, we're not seeing each other again. Yeah. It's when you, when you go on a day. date and you're in a bar, you have to, like, think of it as a sum of all the parts, right? Like, there's, there's the vibe of the bar.

So if you're going and you are, are two fancy, fancy people, don't go to a dive bar, because you're probably not going to be getting the, you're not going to be in the right spot. If you're looking to have, like, really fancy wine, don't go to a pub. Find a, find a wine bar, right? Like, find a place that suits what you're looking for. Because if you're looking to get trashed, don't go to a fine dining place and then complain that Every glass of wine is $22 or, you know.

Yeah, it's, it's very important to understand that, like, when you go out, there's so many moving pieces and there's so many things that aren't about you. So you need to be able to carry the date on your own as well, because sometimes it's a Friday night and one bartender called in sick and the other bartender is getting absolutely fucked. Yeah. And if you're, if you're thinking of complaining, take one second. This is a life lesson and a dating lesson. take one second look around and is it that there's one bartender and 300 people who need drinks because hmm simple math will tell you this man is busy and look if you're the thing I appreciate the most and it's something I try to do every time I go even if it's not that busy where it's like I will

tell people be like look do the things you need to do we're good whenever you're ready we're ready or whatever right that lets me know that like you understand what's happening also if you're chill with me. When it calms down, two shots are probably going to appear. Or I'm going to do something for you, right? Like, I'm going to bring down a dessert or a something for you if you were a constant source of like, I'm safe here. You are, you are the port in the storm kind of situation. Oh, yeah. If I can, if you're cool and if I can do something, I'm doing it for you. If you're a shithead, I'm going to anti-do stuff for you. But the amount of times I'd slip too sparkling over and like getting free shit on a date like again all these things add up where you think back and you're

like wow it was like a movie we were getting free champagne and blah blah blah like these things all kind of culminate in the day even if it has nothing to do with you they think back on that date with you and things were going well things were working out and it's like that kind of just like you get like stained by that in this case in a good way where it's like they just associate fun and cool things happening and it's like oh the world like the stars aligned and like blah blah blah, blah, as opposed to if bad things are happening, they may not exactly be like, oh, yeah, the bill was late and the blah, blah, blah. They're just going to be like, this date kind of sucked, and it's probably going to be associated

with you again. So you have a choice, which way do you want it to go? And I know which one I'm choosing. We've talked a lot about like first dates and like kind of like meeting people, but here are some things that I'm begging you to not do on behalf of every bartender in the world. Don't sit in front of me and make out. It's so uncomfortable. Like, if you, this is, these are the places where, and like, look, I'm sorry, I know you're, you're more of a floor boy.

Go to a booth in a corner if, like, or go home. But like, the place to be like, make it with the bar. Dane, it's the best. The bartenders love it. Dane's literally, he's ended out five times where he was like, I love it. I like it so much. He likes to stand in front of the dishwasher, let the spray hit him while he watches and hope that it's just your saliva. I had a woman sit in front of me with her, her male companion.

and suck his fingers. And I don't know what's worse because she was leaning over like into his chair to do it. Like I thought she might have been stuck in his dick quite literally. And I was like, am I literally going to have to tell someone to not suck dick at the bar in broad daylight? And then it looked over and she was sucking his fingers. And I was like, I don't know if this is better. I don't know if this is worse. I don't know how he feel about this.

But I'm still going to have to tell two adults to not suck anything at a bar at like 4 p.m. in the afternoon. Yeah, it's uncomfortable. And that sucks. Alternative. Also, like, if you are being, like, whatever, like, again, you shouldn't. But if you are, and someone comes by and they're like, hey, are you guys ready to order, you should stop and you should answer them.

And look, it's a simple thing, friends. If anyone can see you, hands should not be up or down any clothing. That's true. That's true. Just straight up. Just if go to, if you want a finger or fuck. go to the bathroom. Yeah.

Whatever. I don't care. Or go home, right? Like, if you're on a date and it's going so well that you guys can't keep your hands off each other, that is a chick please and you get an Uber and go home or walk home or whatever the fuck. Yeah, because it's great. You've done it.

You're having a good time. You're there. Go have a better time. Yeah. Second, if you are a couple and maybe you're going through some things and you're having a tough time, don't fight in the bar or at the bar. Don't. It's so uncomfortable.

it's so weird it makes me feel bad it makes the other people feel bad go outside go home go somewhere quiet in a hallway or something but don't do it at the bar this is how i make my living and no one wants to sit yeah and no one wants to sit beside you while you fight yeah and i don't know why you all sit in front of me when you do it stop taking people out to bars to break up with them also that stop doing that why are you doing that. It's cheaper. It's better to do it somewhere else. I don't want to have someone like awkwardly bawling, crying at a table when I go over and the guy's like, she's okay. She's okay. Yeah, yeah. But I know you just broke up with her because I've been back and forth to

the table and then like, I got your triple like Mayo. Yeah, there you go. Oh, how were the how were the hash browns? Oh, you're so crying. Uh, would you like a tissue? Yeah, it's terrible. Stop doing that. So look, I think we'll, we'll start to wrap it up here. When you show up to things. And I meant earlier with the seating. Look, if you want the bar, that's great. If the bar isn't available, maybe it's better to just get a fucking table. If you want to sit in the patio, but the patio's not free, maybe it's better to just fucking sit inside. The benefit for you waiting 20 minutes or getting agitated, probably not worth the slight change in where you're sitting. Be nice to the people taking care of you, which you should do anyway, right? Like, there shouldn't have to be a

fucking benefit in it for you to not be a dick to the people who are slaving away at a restaurant and not getting fucking breaks, right? But be nice to them and it'll also help you because they will give you good energy. They will big you up. They will fucking be your best wing man. There's also like literally nothing less attractive than being shitty to someone who's working. And I'm not even going to like say like service industry, anyone, retail workers, like anyone, if someone is doing their job, even if you don't agree with it, even if you think they're doing a bad job being rude to them and being shitty to them and being mean to them sucks it looks bad on you right like it's way easier like i've been at restaurants and bars where the bartender has been

absolute dog shit and at that point i pay my drink i drink it and i probably leave i don't stay there right alternatively i just i don't engage with them right just like okay well there you go if you're on a date and the bartender or whoever sucks shit or is rude but you guys haven't done anything wrong that kind of becomes like the first funny moment where the two of you are like, what's going on? Like, yeah, you know, that's funny and that will be a thing you guys talk about later on. If you're an

asshole and you're just getting the same response back, your partner probably just wants to fucking die. 100%. And lastly, we didn't talk about it. I'll throw this out real quick. If it is going that way, move, go to another bar. There's nothing better than a date that is dynamic and spontaneous.

And if you guys both look at each and be like, this bartender is going to fucking kill us. And I don't feel safe. Let's, do you want to try somewhere else? And then you go on a walk and who knows what happens from there. Cool. But yes, continue. I was just going to say, back to the tipping thing, when it's when you're, if, look, this happens to me far too often. When you're the girl and it's your first date that you're paying for, but he's paid for the last six or seven or 10, but you're like, no, no, no, I get this one. Just tip. I hate when it's like the amount of times when the girlfriend is like, oh, it's my turn. And they just like, you can see.

the fear in their eyes. Yeah, that's what he's doing every time. So tip. It's funny. It's the opposite for me. Usually if the lady's paying, I'm like, I'm good. It's the dude where I'm like, if the girl gets the bill, like, that's fine. If he gets the bill and she's like, no, no, honey, it's my turn. It's going to be 10%sville, maybe. Like, I don't know what it is. Maybe it's a brunch thing, right? But it's bad. And I just like, no, like, don't, or don't be that guy who's like, hey, a whole table. I got, I got it. I'm like, I know you didn't think. about this before you did this you want to seem cool but then i see you like almost cry when you look at the bill and guess who's going to suffer me and your bank account don't do it

guys hopefully this has helped you if you have any bar specific questions send them in yeah if you have any other questions send them in of information about bars do you want bad sex writing or should we just call it yeah hit me with bad sex writing i can hit you with a little a little bad sex writing cello would hum when we made love a soft sweet song she would cry quietly while we did it. Her tears wetting my cheeks, trickling into my neck. She would hum and smile and sob and cling to me. Then she would quicken her thrusts and come, arching her belly against my pelvis. She would moan for a few seconds, and then her breathing would slow. She would cradle my head and her hands, look into my eyes and smile. Even when she sobbed, she always smiled. Again, she would hum,

embrace me, smile and sob, shuddering through orgasm after orgasm. Nobody had ever made her come the way I did, she said. With other men, she had two orgasms, Max, but with me, it was something else. Far from being happy. I was hurt. Why would she tell me about the orgasms she had with other man? What was the point?

I was eating up with jealousy. Jealousy, damn jealousy. It was, it was almost kind of sweet and also kind of Dr. Zusey for a bit. Like it had Dr.

Zeus vibes of the, Sam I Am did sobbing cry. Sam did come and hum she did. That just was like, hmm, but while crying? What, yeah,

what's the tune? That's the, like, that's the real, like kicker I think is like what is she humming and I think she's probably humming uh paper stars by Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities who we thank for nice excellent recovery and I think that's going to send us out my name is day Miller and I'm not Spain we've been your fuck buddies Thank you.