F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 103 - Penial Structural Integrity

Episode Date: September 21, 2020

We're usually on the same page when it comes to answering questions, but when we're not we get contention boi energy.  Topics include the terrifying power of WAP, just wanting to see some fat dick, vaginal beauty standards, enjoying a sunset with a stranger, defining compatibility, the perfect gift, lingerie ownership and whole slew of new dating red flags. 

I put my trust in you, and when I'm trusting, I love you. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and when I'm trusting, I love you. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. And we are your fuck buddies. Welcome to our podcast.

We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky sexy situations and turn them into sexy sticky situations. Simply put, we take any queries we get either from social media that we discover out in the wild or from our good listeners and we try to answer them. They don't like to be called queries. They do. They probably do. But this week, we're not doing that. Okay. Ben Shapiro's got it.

Yeah, it's true. Ben Shapiro tweeted today that he was taking dating questions. So if you, I i always you know what this is probably the best thing that's ever happened for my imposter syndrome because like i frequently be like are we qualified to do this and then ben shapiro's thinks he's qualified to do it so it's like a man who doesn't understand how aroused women function or you know arouse people with vaginas function.

Yeah. It thinks he can give dating advice. It's like, so like all this time where I felt like, Oh man, maybe I shouldn't have started a podcast that, you know, like,

was it arrogant? Was it dumb? Am I just completely unsuited? No, we're good, baby. And we can take a week off. This is all good.

It's all coming up. Fuck. But yeah, yeah, it was, it was reassuring i was like okay great like if this idiot thinks he can do it then then i can do it i have probably seen far more genitals than he's ever seen and as we know uh section sex and dating advice prowess is

measured only in genitals you've seen yeah yeah yeah yeah gotta rack it up. It's like Pokemon, but instead of catching adorable monsters that you fight, it's just getting your eyeballs on some dangly bits. Yeah. So, I assume you've given WAP a listen, right? You know what? I actually have only heard

the clips of the song that have been parodied. I haven't listened to the whole thing. Okay, because you can't think of bench pierre and not think of his just terrible reaction to wop however i want to get your terrible reaction to wop okay because there are a lot of really good lines in it uh there's a lot of really good things in general that does for like women's sexuality. One, I do kind of want to write Hard Ass Dick as a parody song because

that would be very funny, I think. I just imagine that if someone had written a song about how hard their dick gets, I don't know if it would have gotten quite the good press. I promise you that exists out in the world somewhere. Probably, but the fact that exists out in the world somewhere. Probably.

But the fact that it's not like the cultural issue of the, you know, our hot topic, uh, but I'm just gonna hit this one line because it did things to me. Hold on, hold on, hold on,

hold on. You have to make sure that you say the P word. Like if, if the word pussy is said to honor our, our boy, Ben Shapiro. Benny S, you do have to say P word. Oh, so I can't say pussy is what you're saying. I mean, I can't say P word.

Yes, you have to say P word. I thought you were saying I have to say pussy if it says P word. No, no, no. Okay. There is no P word, unfortunately, in the line and a half. I'm going to read just two lines right okay my head game is fire punani dasani it's going in dry and it's coming out soggy so any thoughts like i don't think i would just because something is wet doesn't mean it's soggy well okay thank you okay what does what is the because they're talking

about a dick goes in dry and it comes out soggy what is like the essential the essence of being soggy it's a texture thing like it's it becomes mushy and like that's that exactly it's like a structural integrity thing yeah right i don't want my dick to come out compromised right no no if it could be mushed by like a wayward like or it's just gonna like fall apart like soggy is such a terrible word yeah i don't want soggy to ever be an adjective associated with my penis to be honest i don't want it associated with any part of my body but particularly particularly my penis. Yeah, soggy is such a terrible word. Think about it. If you think about wet bread,

the second you pick it up, it all falls apart and crumbles. Imagine that happening to your dick. There's structural damage. Soggy isn't an outside thing. It's gotten in. It's invaded every part of you. I'm glad I'm on the same wavelength. Arguably, it's it's been it's gotten in it's invaded every part of you i'm glad i'm

arguably on the same wavelength arguably it's irreversible oh you can't unsoggy something hey you can't like once something is soggy it really like it's never going back the way it was no i'm just that one bit it got me i mean like i have i've i've seen people talk about like various things i've heard clips of it and stuff it And it's like, I have my problems with it. I don't really think it's the beacon of women's sexuality that everyone seems to make it out to me because it doesn't have to be the one considering like, just like people are weird about female arousal and female pleasure and just like P words in general. So it's like, like female desire to have sex.

Exactly. Just get out there and just be like, yeah, I'm wet as fuck. fuck hell yeah i'm down to fuck i like sex it's great i love it but i don't want my dick to ever get soggy no please please cardi b please cardi don't bring your your powerful vagina and it's soggy magic yeah oh man someone just tweeted us saying they think wop stands for worship and prayer and i 1000 cannot tell if they're taking the piss they 100 believe that yeah well this is this is like angry white women retaking wow like this is like they are so offended by black women talking about sexuality that they need to

be like, no, no, no. We need to change the letters. We will have no P words in this house. Oh man, we're older than Cardi B, yeah? Okay. I thought she was way older than us. Will I hit you with a thing? Yeah, hit me with a question. More Cardi B

trivia if you want. Okay, now I'm curious how old is cardi b cardi b was born in 92 uh this is my throw ra 7676 7676 7676 7676 my female 20 year old boyfriend male 22 year old of three years got a facetime last night from a group of his drunken girlfriends asking him to asking him to show them his fat dick title just about sums it up forgive me if i'm making formatting errors blah blah blah asking him to show them his fat dick. Title just about sums it up. Forgive me if I'm making formatting errors, blah, blah, blah.

So my boyfriend Nick and I have been together for three years. He's a super nice, caring guy, and I've never had any serious doubts about things until last night. As the title says, last night while he was with me on my place, he got a FaceTime call from his friend Em. Em has known him a lot longer than I have. They grew up together, so I always respected their friendship. I've also met Em many times. She was always super nice to me and super fun, and we follow each other on social media. I've never had any reason to dislike her or disapprove of their friendship. So in all honesty, her FaceTiming my BF somewhat late at night didn't raise immediate alarm bells. However, before he answered, he warned me Em was

on a beach trip with a few other girlfriends. There were three other girls, four total, including Em. Without getting too carried away, I'd like to add context. Obviously, my BF is two years older than me. Em and her three friends are closer than Nick's age, 22, 23, whereas I am yet to be 21. Including that info to also express the fact that Em and these three other girls, my BF, all went to school together, all in the same grade through high school, maybe middle school as well. Point being, they've known him for quite some time. They also know he's been dating me for three years, in italics, as these three other girls follow me on social media like M. I've met them a handful of times, but he's not as close to them as he is with M. I guess the best way to summarize is they're M's friend, but because they all went to school together and are the same age, they're fairly good friends. Anyway, he tells me she's FaceTiming him.

He tells me she's with these three other friends that are at the beach. I said he should answer them. They're probably having a good time and just want to tell him about it. He answers. M and her three friends all immediately start screaming my BF's name. Then they begin to scream his name, followed by, show us your fat dick they were clearly hammered but i was mortified what the fuck my boyfriend seemed pretty shocked too told them he was with me and asked what the fuck that was about they had a mix of explanations they're drunk they meant to call someone else it was an accident question mark i'm really struggling because i'm so shocked and confused i realize i can't blame my boyfriend because it's clearly not his fault, but at the same time, I do not understand why these girls,

these women actually, we're all fucking adults, would think it was appropriate to say this to someone who's been in a committed relationship for years. It doesn't make sense. I'm also struggling because it makes me wonder if my boyfriend has created an atmosphere where these women think acting this way towards him is okay. I feel like he would never do something like that like that but i'm at a loss why would they think it's okay and only stop when nick told them he was with me also for what's worth i'm upset with these women too obviously we didn't hang often but i'm upset the few times we did they were nice to me and then they do something so vulgar and inappropriate i just don't understand i'm also upset at the fact they didn't produce a single valid explanation. Clearly they... Explain this

fat dick! Which fat dick do you want to see? Clearly they did not mean to call someone else. They gleefully screamed his name. How was that an accident? Whole incident happened at 11. I fell asleep shortly after. When we woke up, we talked about briefly and left for work. Em texted him and said something along the lines of, Nick, you're being

weird. We were just really drunk. Tell original poster we're sorry. They were hammered. It was obvious. I don't understand why they did it, though. I've been inebriated and never have I FaceTimed someone's boyfriend of several years and asked them to show me their penis. Just doesn't add up. Nor does it add up that Em said Nick was being weird. How is he acting odd? I think WTF is a pretty standard response unless they're used to him acting a different way. The only person I've talked about this was my best friend. She knows Nick well and thinks these women were probably just wasted. She agrees she would never do something like that under the influence, but some women will.

I suppose they could be right, but I have a hard time making peace with it because I would never do that and these women are two to three years older than me. I'm sorry for the long post rant. I'm upset and confused. I would love to shake it off, but it really shocked me to my core. I can't stop hearing the four voices in the choirs of show us your fat dick. Can't get over it. What the fuck was that? So yeah, any advice or perspective, appreciate it.

I'm at a total loss. So the most important thing wasn't talked about, and that is whether or not Nick actually has a fat dick. So there is an edit and an update later on, and Nick does in fact have a fat dick so there is an edit and an update later on and nick does in fact have a fat dick okay because i was gonna say like if if he didn't have a fat dick it would just be drunk girls yelling here but the fact that they know that that he has a fat dick lends itself to like well how do they know about his fat dick? Right? Because if we're talking

a sizable dick that is something that could be like, oh, this is a defining attribute of your penis, then it stands to reason that one of them has

seen the dick. Or of or heard about it um like let's be fair they all grew up they all went to school together they probably know someone nicks fucked up with that's true and even if they did does it really matter no i mean like like i i get it like i understand's, like, perturbed by this. Mm-hmm. Kind of. You know what I mean? Like, if, okay, like, if someone, like, if your girlfriend had a birthmark on, you know, a sensitive area,

and, like, a bunch of drunk dudes FaceTimed her at 11 being like, show us your heart-shaped birthmark on your pussy! Show it to us! You would be like, the fuck? Yes. However, that's also different you know what i mean if they're like show us your big tits you know and their tits were big it would still be like okay but it's also pretty much the like i love how this person is so confused by them yelling something like this over skype or whatever because they were drunk it's like pretty much the only thing people yell when they're like drunk and young and dumb and

like calling people and nine times out of ten it's not even serious it's like when you pick up the phone when you're 20 and your parent your friend is like come back to bed niall you know like people do dumb shit like this over like calls and it's like to then fall into such like a deep spiral of like it doesn't make sense because they're two to three years older than me which means he must have created the scenario where him showing his fat dick to four girls is normal no like i mean i i definitely understand what you're saying and i'm i'm definitely leaning on that side of being like it's don't worry about it's not that big of a deal but like

I do understand like she's she's definitely gone off the deep end a little bit like worrying about the like age difference and everything like that has nothing really anything to do with anything especially when it's so minimal as well yeah but like I I would I would 100%

be uncomfortable to then like again if if a group of dudes hammered you know facetime my girlfriend in like the middle of the night and said something you know not easily to to know about her physical anatomy because like with your example of the booze like you could look at someone fully clothed and know roughly the size of their boobs. You know what I mean? But to like most people can't look at a dude and be like fat dick, normal dick, not so normal. You know what I mean? Yeah.

But even fat dick isn't necessarily like it's a funny, trendy term. And like these days, like if someone's like, oh, chose your big dick, like yelling it out, they wouldn't necessarily you wouldn't jump to like, wait a minute. That dick must be if it is big. So therefore, they must know. Like, I feel like it's something someone would just yell out. I feel like these days, maybe fat dick is more likely to be yelled out than big dick. But either way, to then be like, cool, I'm not going to like be in social situations with these people who may or may not know about my boyfriend yeah like it it does add an air of uncomfortability to the situation you know

what i mean like i would be awkward around people who who said something like that to my partner yeah i could you know what it's funny because and i know it's not necessarily fair or even necessarily make sense but i can see it being more offensive when guys are doing it to girls than girls doing it to guys i think a lot of that stems from like you know girls are used to being like cat called and like having guys be really like fucking vulgar sexually to them whereas like when girls do it it's usually either a joke or in a friendly you know what i mean it's like you don't yell at a stranger and harass them it's usually like between friends or like as a joke so i think maybe that's throwing me off and maybe

it shouldn't so for me i can definitely see why something dumb like that happened and i doubt they actually meant it you know like maybe they just heard he had a fat dick or maybe they were just saying fat dick because it's a funny term or you know saying just show us your dick is not as it's like funny I very much doubt they actually expected them to like pull his dick out I think they were all just drunk and yelling dumb shit that's the thing it's like it's one of those things where when I was in quarantine, a friend of mine, actually more of like a friend of a friend, like I'm, I'm friends with her, but like, I only know her through another friend. And the only time I've ever really hung out with her is when I was with that friend. absolutely fucking hammered and they were like we saw you online and i wanted to talk to you and i was like okay what's up yeah and so like that's probably like you said that's probably what happened like they were probably like fucking hammered they were on their phones

saw that you were online and we're like boom let's facetime them and then you know someone was like or mentioned your name and someone was like oh oh, I heard he has a big dick. And then someone was like, let's call out. Or like maybe it was a thing in high school where they like haired about it and like ragged him for a little bit. And he got embarrassed because like, you know, it could be even something as simple as that, which is a lot less awkward. Whatever. I would imagine he would bring that up as a defense. If this you know what I mean?

Like if this was a thing that they've done all like he would probably be like oh it's a stupid thing they used to do to me in high school yeah maybe rather than being like you know whatever he's currently doing so advice my thing is like you need to talk to your boyfriend and be like hey i'm uncomfortable with this and i kind of like i don't want to tell you not to be friends with these women anymore. But I need some assurance that there are boundaries between you. Honestly, like my first thing would be to not overreact because like your boyfriend didn't do anything sketchy. It wasn't like he was trying to like run into the other room or like cancel the call or like, you know, it's not like he had this like fat dick showing relationship with these people where he was like,

Oh no, you're finally here. Like it's not his fault. And don't think that he fosters a relationship where this is whatever, like they probably are just chill with each other and can make jokes. And that's why they didn't feel uncomfortable making this thing, which again, yeah,

we can get why you're upset, but like, don't put it on him. Cause it doesn't look like he's done anything wrong. And remember that, like, have you ever bragged about his penis size to any of your female friends? I'm like, I'm positive you probably have. And therefore, we're on the Internet right after. So, yeah, now everyone knows he has a fat dick.

So it's like, like you said, he probably hooked up with either one of them or someone in high school and people talk about that kind of stuff yeah so it's like it also could be public knowledge i mean i think that's a stretch i think they know well it's that fat it's gonna be a stretch dane um but like i i think first step is not to overreact. Second step is not to punish him for what someone else did drunkenly. And then third step is like, you know, as you said, Dan, like talk to him. He seems to understand why you would feel uncomfortable and like, just, just talk it out. Make sure that there's no, nothing to be worried about, you know?

And I'm sure these people probably feel like idiots. Cause I doubt they meant it sincerely. Like doubt they intended to embarrass you or put anyone in an awkward thing i think they were just being dumb and drunk that's the thing it's like when you're hammered no one thinks really about consequence you know i mean no one they were probably just like let's tell you know was nick like let's ask nick to show us his dick no one was probably like a bunch of bunch of their friends and were yelling shit like that as well that's what they said in the update so it was like you know but she was like i don't know because they said that they tried to call someone else but they said his name that's like yeah they they backtracked and were like oh shit we upset her

like let's not get nick in trouble yeah i mean yeah i that's i think that is the key there is that they were trying to protect your boyfriend. Cause they know they fucked up. Yeah. So like, that means that like, they, they're not doing anything nefarious. You know what I mean?

Um, also like, if you want it to be sneaky about it, you wouldn't be on FaceTime and screaming. No, you wouldn't. So like, he's obviously not up to anything mischievous.

They were fucking just made dumb, stupid, drunk decisions. And you are kind of caught in the middle of like this ball of, you know, overreactive anxiety. And you just kind of like need to level out and realize all the, all the things that are currently in play and be like,

okay, this isn't a big deal. Yeah. All right. Hit me with that fat dick. You know what? We're going to, since we're talking about the appearance of genitals,

this comes from Reddit user. My name, that is Emma is the appearance of a girl's vag, a factor in sex might be a silly question, but I got to ask our guys at all conscious slash bothered about the appearance of a girl's vagina and vulva, especially during cunnilingus. Cause there's a lot of ladies out there with big vaginas, with a lot of meat,

and it's something women are insecure about, just as guys are insecure about dick size. But I don't know if it matters, or if there's a standard of attractive vagina, the way that there's an acceptable standard of dick size, which I know there isn't as a woman, but is it the same for men? I would say not at all.

Here's a question for you. Have you ever come across a, you know, a particularly unique looking vagina? Not really. All the vaginas I've seen are like, you know, like they're different, but like they're all just vaginas, right? Like nothing that's given me pause right yeah i mean like i've i've read and seen pictures of people with like you know large labia um but i've never sort of encountered them in the wild when i was single there's nothing wrong with a large lady either right but that's the yeah just like a vagina right like i you know i imagine there are people who

have preferences i'm sure there are people who you know aren't a big fan of it the same way that like some women aren't a fan of like uncircumcised or circumcised you're allowed to have preferences you know what i mean like as long as they're not manifesting in a toxic way well as far as i know and as far as i've seen the difference between vagina to vagina does not stack up to the difference between penis to penis like visually at the very least right like sure yeah you could have wildly different penises in terms of like length and girt and like you know being cut or uncut and like bending certain ways and you know all this shit like I don't think you get that same like

very obvious difference visually in vaginas. I have literally seen a lot of vaginas and some are different to others and they're all fine. I've never heard anybody, any guy I've ever met talk about a vagina looking weird, ever.

I've seen posts but in my experience, yeah, I would agree. I've never heard anyone in my real life be like, I couldn't do it, man. I've never even heard someone complain or even mention it. Like never be like, oh, it was a bit weird, you know, ever. And I've never, but on the contrary, how many women have I met who were ashamed of me seeing their vagina or awkward about it the first few times? That's a lot of them. So many of them.

And it's wild because every single person had a beautiful vagina and it was fucking fine. And they were so self-conscious about it. It's actually something I hate. I really wish people didn't feel that way because it sucks you know for them for their partner for their own pleasure because like you're never gonna really get into it if you're like terrified that they're down there having the worst fucking time right also like just in terms of the way that our body is laid out if i'm going down on you i'm not looking at your vagina yeah that's another thing it's like you might see it briefly but like your mouth

is there your your eyes are like you know maybe your belly if you got a weird belly button that's a deal breaker for sure oh 100 that's that's what you should be fucking terrible like look at it right now judge yourself no don't please i'm just gonna say right now if you got an outie you're a freak you're talking about an outie clit right i'm talking about outie everything if everything on your body sort of just gently protrudes outward outie kidneys are good um now the main thing is uh so i've been listening i got like uh like an early access thing to ben shapiro's uh sex and dating podcast um or episode i don't know what he does i don't give a fuck what he does i can't even continue to charade if you're wet i'm leaving because that's a disease as he tells me wait well

where was that going i was gonna i was making a joke about i listened to his thing and i said i don't care about him but i'm still taking his advice if you're wet it's a disease and i'm leaving okay uh yeah i don't worry like the same thing with like dudes like you got what you got there's nothing you can do about it fucking own it rock it understand that like if someone is into you want to have sex with you they're gonna do it regardless of what's the visual appeal is down there. What people think is the amount of times someone looks at a vagina and goes, oh, is probably like 10,000 times more than what happens in actual

reality. Yeah, or it's just like 98%. Some people are fucking weird. You're going to get people who think wetness is a disease a la Ben Shapiro. Just because somebody has a reaction doesn't mean they're correct. going to get people who think wetness is a disease a la Ben Shapiro. But just because somebody has a reaction doesn't mean they're correct. You know what I mean? It's like if

someone runs down the street past you and is like, you're an asshole. Do you take that to heart? Do you go, damn, maybe I am a bad person. It doesn't matter what's said, it's who's saying it. And if someone's just either super insecure or an asshole or a weirdo,o doesn't really matter what they think. So I would strongly advise against being insecure about your own vagina. Um, if you do have large concerns, like you can go see a doctor, I guess if you think there's something actually wrong with it, but visually I'm sure it's fine.

All right. This is from seduction. Um, now cold approach to girl of the park by I am emotion. Or sorry, one am emotion. I'm sitting in the park and a girl walks by. I ask her if she could do me a favor and take a picture in front of the sun. So she does.

I then ask if she'd like to spend the sunset with me. There's 15 minutes left. She rejects and leaves. Is that it? That's it. Was he taking a picture of her in front of the sun? I assume him in front of him. He asked her to take a picture of him in front of the sun. That's not good photography,

man. Yeah, it was all going well. Like you would have definitely, you know, closed or whatever the fucking seduction term is. But then you ruined it with bad mise-en-scene. Or is that just video?

I guess you could be going for the silhouette look if you really wanted to. But I think you're just wasting golden hour at that point. It's true. Use that light, baby. Get it. I mean, I don't really know what to say about this. Rate his approach, brah't really know what to say about this. It's rate rate his approach, bro. You know what?

I would say from the things I've read of seduction, this is probably on the better end of things because like he didn't be creepy with like his, I mean, tell us if he was creepy. I don't know if it's the same. You know what I mean? He wasn't like, oh, I just had, you're so it's the same nothing you know what i mean he wasn't like oh i just had you're so beautiful you're you know i want to spend this beautiful sunset with a beautiful girl you know i mean like it wasn't any of that shit if he was just like hey do you want can you take a picture of me and that was just like icebreaker and then he was like hey would

you like to watch the sunset with me if that's all he said it's like well you know good try but like at the same time it's like this was destined to fail right yeah i'm not saying it was it was i like comparatively to the other advice i am sure he got in this evening piles of flaming shit it's just regular shit yeah but like the thing is i feel like people like this the more of these that happen that fail fail, the more bitter they get. And then it just, like, they poison their own feelings towards women and it just becomes a whole fucking thing. So, like, I don't want to ever be like, yeah, well, good shot, I guess, you know. Because it was never going to work.

Someone's walking by in a park. They're probably going somewhere. You know what i mean like even if they wanted to spend the sunset with you which is a weird thing to ask um to a stranger they weren't they were going somewhere like and you can't just how do you know maybe they were just going to find another bench to watch the sunset alone well there you answered your own question alone yeah but now they've met this charming man who doesn't know how to take pictures uh i just i just thought it was funny it's so brief and sad and useless don't set yourself up for failure don't do this weird shit and these like strange games just like go to a place where it's actually okay for you to talk to strangers and and talk where's that now where's that bars

yeah what's currently happening in the world uh that you can go inside with a mask to conceal your ugliness so you're doing better yeah but how are you gonna take pictures in front of the sunset it's weird i get it considering the other things you've brought from fucking seduction i think i think they're getting better maybe well everyone's like bro you fucked up you're so awkward you loser so i don't know yeah well you know what i hope this guy sticks with sunsets before he goes into fucking you know pulling women into dark corners and throwing them under his sweaty suit jacket oh yeah i forgot about that all right do you want me to throw in a different question you do you want to hit me one?

I got one. Okay. This one's from PlayfulRemote9. I'm dating a girl who I'm not wildly attracted to, but we are incredibly compatible. It sometimes makes me feel like I'm settling.

Is this normal? I worry if I feel this way, I'll regret it later. To clarify, I think she's cute, but I don't have this animalistic attraction to her that I've had with other people.

Have people who have been in serious relationships compromised on looks. I haven't been in a serious relationship in a long time, and I've really enjoyed single life in the process. So I'm just trying to figure out if it's my avoidant personality playing tricks on me or if this isn't normal. How the fuck am I supposed to answer that? I don't know what this man's thinking. He doesn't know what he's thinking. Like, I think it's probably an issue. Like if you feel like you're not very attracted to someone, like you're probably not having a great relationship because great relationships should be both.

I mean, like you need to define what compatibility is. You know what I mean? Like part of compatibility is sexual compatibility and like physical attraction and like that kind of stuff like if if that's not a part of the equation for you then like how compatible are you is it just because you have the same hobbies like that makes a good friend that doesn't necessarily make a great romantic partner as i said you do need both so it's like if you're telling us that you're missing one then yeah you're probably not going to be set up for the long haul yeah because eventually like you're gonna find someone that you are attracted to who also has the qualities of this

person you know what i mean and then like and that by that point you're just gonna be like bye i'm trading up which is a shitty thing to do to a person you know what advice right now break up with her yeah and you know why i'm saying that because if you don't want to yeah you know you're good yeah exactly right you hear me right now you hear me say get spaghetti and you're like no i do want the steak though yeah so i'm saying it right now listener who may not be listening break up with her and if you hear that and you go oh then maybe she is good enough and you're being weird also like is it a result of your sexual interactions that maybe you're not feeling it like do you guys not have like a bedroom

compatibility even though she has like a physical compatibility like visually like maybe you're just not like connecting in that sense so maybe you guys should try and be a little bit more mindful in the bedroom or something well i mean like that's that's another it's like if you're not wildly attracted to them is is sex a chore for you because like if i was gonna sleep with someone that i'm not attracted to it wouldn't go well and it certainly wouldn't be fun no and it definitely wouldn't for anyone once yeah you know i mean it's like it would be i've i've tried to do things like that where it's like you know i've i've been horny and then like invited like booty called someone i wasn't super into you know what i mean and then like the whole time i'm like i've what did i do this sucks and

like you just filled with like guilt and regret and like you know the other person is picking up on all of that you know what i mean that's a terrible thing to do to someone else there's no way they don't know that something's up yeah so you really need to like sit down and be like what does compatibility mean to you and is the fact that you're not attracted to them going to impact things like your sex life and that kind of stuff. Because if the answer is yes, that like, yeah, you're not that into them sexually. And that's something that matters to you in a relationship because like asexual relationships are fine and you can have them and they're normal and healthy. But like if you're not an asexual person and you just don't want to have sex with your partner then there might be a problem

there yeah so i think just really consider breaking up with them and if that elicits strong feelings of nope then yeah maybe there's something else missing and like explore what that could be maybe you guys just aren't connecting in the bedroom and if so why like have a chat about it you know and if you're really not attracted to them then like you probably should actually break up to them because as dane said you're gonna find somebody else and bail and that's gonna suck or you're gonna half-ass it and that's gonna suck and the whole time they're gonna know something's off and it's gonna suck for them yeah um we've mentioned it before it's one of those things where you have to be like if if you're double you know if you're if you're double thinking yourself or like questioning whether you want to be in a relationship, you're not you shouldn't be in that relationship.

It needs to be like a fuck yes or no. We've talked about it a hundred times where it's like if you're not in it, then you shouldn't be in it. And it's that simple because the second, like you said, you start half assing, you start phoning things in. You start taking them for granted. And that's a really shitty thing to do to a person, let alone to yourself. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be fulfilled. And just holding someone to fill

the place until you can find someone who checkmarks all the boxes is a super shitty thing to do to someone. What energy are we going with, Dave? I don't know, man. This episode's all over the place. is a super shitty thing to do to someone. Yeah. Already? Yes. What energy are we going with, Dane? I don't know, man. This episode's all over the place.

This is my thrallery, oopsie, showed my girlfriend my dick, and now she's mad at me. Is she your girlfriend? That's my first question. Whenever there's a celebration where I would get a gift, all my girlfriend ever offers is sex as the gift. We have sex regularly, so it's not much of a gift.

I always give her thoughtful gifts, and even when I'm running low on cash, I try and do something special for her. I've told her in the past how it made me feel, and she told me no man will complain about sex. She's really big on reciprocal energy, so I just did the same thing. It was the perfect opportunity because her birthday is two months after mine. All day passed, and I didn't give her anything. She asked me if i forgot about it but i told her i had a surprise for her i tied a bow on my dick and presented it to her she was fucking pissed now her friends and sister keep dming me telling me how much of an asshole i am i was being extremely petty but she wouldn't listen so yeah i don't know if i was tripping but i know it was immature i

don't know how to fix it now i mean that's pretty much fucking brilliant man that's you know what like i ain't mad at it i mean like you recognize it was petty but like at the same time what's wrong with it yeah if your girlfriend is like hey no man will complain about sex but then when you do it she's like yo fuck you it's like you tried to talk to her she didn't listen hey guess what she gets the picture now yeah i mean it's it's we've got questions like this all the time where you know it's like where someone's like you know oh i don't want to do this but i want you to do this and then the second it's like reversed they're like no i don't want to do that yeah it's like well you know you can't have it both ways if you think that giving someone like that sex as a gift is a valid and you know a good thing to give

someone then you shouldn't be angry when it's given to you in return exactly and like this question would be slightly different if he had never like broached the subject with her and just kind of like done it and like you know maybe there would be a little bit more but again it's like if you're getting it for someone you should be expecting it back or at least happy to get it back um but he literally told like told her before and she didn't care so it's like you don't have a leg to stand on there at all yeah so advice i think like i think if you if you want to fix this you do have to write you have to like admit and be like hey look i know i was being petty but i tried to talk to you and i thought this would be a good way to like illustrate my point it's that you know if you're unhappy with what i'm giving you then why can't i have the

same emotions to what you're giving me um and if she doesn't understand that and if that turns into another fight then i think it's time to reconsider the relationship yeah that's the thing like this could be a blessing in disguise because you guys are either going to talk and hopefully hash things out and be on a better um on a better footing or she's going to be like nah bye and like fuck it if if you guys weren't going to be able to figure out a simple kind of like clash like this then you probably are better off breaking up uh yeah and like i don't know i don't really like because being like oh i want monetary that or you know what i mean i want something that's like goods and that's how you have to

show me like i understand that like that can be problematic but if if he's just being like oh even when i'm strapped for cash i like you know you know do something nice which may be dinner or whatever yeah um like if he's just asking for something as simple as like hey maybe like on my birthday you could make me dinner and give me a massage like if that's the extent of what he's like if if the other thing like if what the real issue is like oh i bought you a fancy handbag and now in return i want a you know fancy watch yeah like if if that's like then you guys really need to get your shit together and be like it means more than that yeah like you buying a 200 present isn't then an obligation for them to get you know what i mean like that's not how it works

however if one side is buying all these presents and the other side for no reason is just not like, again, like there should be like equity to a degree, whether it's monetary or like thought wise, you know what I mean? If one person gets way more money than the other and you know, there are all these things that factor in and we could spitball them for, for hours, I'm sure. Um, but like if your partner, like if you just want to get out on of buying presents by using sex, like that's bullshit. Like a healthy relationship should have sex in it if that's unless you're both asexual or whatever. You know what I mean?

So it's it shouldn't be this special thing. And like withholding it or using it in that way is kind of unfair. Yeah. I mean, like my favorite gifts have been Amanda once, uh, for one of my birthdays, I believe it was my birthday or an anniversary. She like got, uh, frames from other movies that I made or like the posters or whatever of

movies that I've made. And she made like a big, like film role, like framed picture of them. Uh, and then on my 30th birthday, she did like a 30 reasons why she loves me on like a little canvas. And it's like my favorite gift of all time.

It's the sweetest thing. I look at it and like I still kind of get like all teary eyed when I see it in the bedroom. So like like we said, it's like it's an investment in sort of like thought more than it is investment in sort of like monetary goods like you said it's like if this dude's just balling and he's like hey i'm gonna spoil you with like new shoes or whatever but she can't do that she can't reciprocate that monetary value if she finds something that means something to him whether it's watching his favorite movie and making dinner like that can mean just as much as you know a 200 pair of200 pair of shoes. Yeah. And the thing is, it seems like he knows that. So that's why I know that's not even a problem here.

Yeah. So I don't know. So asking for a little bit more effort than just being like, here's the thing that we do. Yeah. Whatever, I guess. Yeah. Is and it also kind of like kind of cheapens the sexual connection as well. If you just think of it as a commodity. Yeah. It kind of it kind of like that would bum me out more than anything so if your partner like says something to you like

listen to them don't try to fucking gender shame them like no man would complain about that that's such a shitty response because one it's just blind ignorance but secondly it's like oh if you're complaining you're not a man you know and it's an excellent example of how like toxic masculinity isn't a yeah it's not men on men necessarily yeah and it's not men on other people yeah it's not just perpetrated by men it's like that is that comment right there is so rooted like deeply rooted in toxic masculinity that it then hurts dudes you know what i mean and like that's how the cycle continues not to say that you know it starts with women but no but it's with everybody right same with like you know toxic uh or like uh misogyny and shit right it's like not it's not

just men who can be misogynist right yeah yeah it's uh it sucks and i'm i'm i'm sorry you're dealing with this i don't think you dealt with it the best way. It was a funny way. You also did deal with it the best way. Yeah. I think, like I said, you need to sort of like use that as a jumping off point and be like,

okay, why are you upset? And then when she explains why she's upset, be like, cool. I was upset for the same reason. Why, why were my feelings at that point?

Not that one for you. So I have two things to say. One, the best, like the only really, like the best advice here is to not let it blow over and be like, okay, let's go back to the way things are. You know, that's the one thing that cannot happen, right? Whether you guys break up or whether you guys move on, those are both okay.

But you being like, I'm sorry, you're right, I'll accept sex and I'll get you presents. That is the only way this can't end. Secondly, can we just imagine how funny it was when she had to go to her friends and sister and explain what happened, enough that they all started messaging him, calling him an asshole.

Yeah. Yeah, it's really good. Let's do one more quick one. You got one? Yeah. Yeah. It's really good. It's very good. Let's do one more quick one. You got one? Oh, yeah. This comes from Teddy Bobetti 23.

And they say wearing lingerie for someone new, sexy or weird. I've been single for quite some time and just so happened to like buying lingerie. I would love to wear it for a man, but I haven't dated much or been sexually active. I recently met a guy, went on a few dates, and the first time we had sex, I put on something sexy for him. His immediate reaction was, you look nice, but maybe you can buy lingerie just for me. I think he was implying that I wear lingerie for anyone and that I specifically has worn this for someone else. But in reality, I just have a shitload of lingerie and it makes me feel sexy. Should I stop putting on lingerie for a man because they think I wear the same one for every

guy? I was genuinely confused with his reaction and now I'm a little insecure about surprising a new guy with sexy lingerie. It's an interesting one because people definitely get into weird ownership when it comes to sex related things.

I'm like I get it when it's like a sex toy, you know, like a or a vibrator or something. I get a slightly less if it's like handcuffs. It's not like they're anywhere particularly intimate usually, you know, but I still get it a little bit more lingerie and all that is really funny because if you just wore normal underwear he wouldn't have been like can you maybe get normal underwear with me in future yeah or even like just the first day like what her outfit was be like is that your first date outfit i would i would really prefer if you got something new just for me yeah i'm worried that you might have worn those jeans with another man so can you scour all the paint off your home before I come over and give it a fresh paint for when I come by? Hey, this bedspread, has it seen another man?

Oh, have you have you recently retiled this bathroom? No, you haven't. OK, I can't poop here. If you could retile it by the next time I come over, that'd be great. This air. can't poop here um if you could retell it by the next time i come over that'd be great this air has a man been in this air before like it's kind of ridiculous you know and it's it's weird because it it does i think stretch back from things that make a certain amount of sense um which again you can wash your sex toy it doesn't really and also doesn't really make sense to just keep buying sex toys

so here's the thing if you're a dude who pulls out a dildo or a vibrator I think there is a concern there for women but if a woman yeah if I was I went home with a woman and she pulled out a vibrator or a toy and was like I want this to be used on me.

I'd be like, okay, cool, because I assume it is specifically for you. So cool. You know what I mean? Whereas if a dude's pulling out toys for a woman, they have no idea whether or not it's been cleaned properly. And there's also the implication that it's been used with many people.

Yeah, because he's not using it. He might be. I mean yeah he might be but i mean he might be yes um yeah but even like handcuffs you know i've had people like you know i had handcuffs after i'd been using them with someone and it's like yeah i mentioned someone once they got really weird they're like oh use them with somebody else though i'm like yes but like i've also used my penis with someone else yeah and you know it could get soggy these cuffs are metal there's no way their structural integrity is being broken down by a vagina i have no idea what cardi b could do to those that punani disani is is powerful you know and it's like i can

kind of understand this like weird like sexual you want this like sexual originality right but it's not like it's not like it's like sexual originality right but it's not like it's not like it's a funko pop right like the sexual experience isn't being recorded inside it and like held on to for life that's the thing it's like unless you're walking in in this just like cum stained like very obviously used lingerie then like fuck it because like you said it's like what's the difference between underwear like if she wore she has like a you because like you said it's like what's the difference between underwear like if she wore she has like a you know a really nice sort of like first date undie set that makes her feel confident and sexy and like you know shows off everything she wants to show

off it's like are you gonna be fucking weird about that i i don't get this at all no like not even not even from like what you said, like none of that tracks for me. I do not get it. So what were his exact words again? Could you reread them for me, please? You look nice, but maybe you can buy lingerie just for me. OK, so as an alternate theory, maybe he just really liked it. And to him, like the idea of going out and like purchasing specific lingerie was like

really exciting. Yes. You know, that like, I think it all comes down to tone, which unfortunately we don't get. No, not that we don't receive it.

Just we're unable to process it. We have no idea. We just guess we actually have a, we have a dartboard we just throw something at it and we're like oh man this is a really angry listener but she does say like i think he was implying that i wear lingerie for everyone so like that makes me lead lead me to believe that like maybe he like the tone was there but again people jump to wild conclusions so i don't know so like yes i think like that could be fun too like if if someone had a penchant for lingerie, I would love and I, you know, got along with them and I wanted to continue seeing them.

I would love to be a contributor to that collection. Yeah. And be like, hey, that's mine. And because like then you can have like a fun sort of like ownership of of it where it's, you know, consensual, not toxic. That would be OK with me. I think that makes sense so maybe if you mentioned something like that before just be like oh well hey if you want to buy me something by all means like what do you have in mind and if he's just pumped to to get you into something specific maybe it could be cool and if he's like oh no i just you know

it's tainted then maybe you need to find a different dude yeah because like because that is gonna bleed over into other things like he's not gonna stop at the lingerie if he ever hears of any guy you've been with go he's not gonna be happy or just like just like if if jealousy is that deeply rooted that he can get jealous over the fact that someone might have seen you in something that you've worn yeah that's like how is it gonna be when like you know your male co-workers you and him are going for lunch yeah well if they call you and ask to see that fat clit um it's it's so stupid and i hate it and gentlemen i'm gonna say this right now or anyone really if someone is trying to do something nice to you and it's very obvious that they're it's their attempt to appeal to you don't

be a fucking idiot yeah don't be an asshole don't be so stupid appreciate that someone is putting an effort to arouse you like someone sexy effort yeah that's the best kind someone is actively putting in conscious effort to enhance your sexual experience and the only thing you can think of is, you know, jealousy and, oh, maybe I'm not getting the proper treatment. Fuck you. Get out of here. You ready for red flags?

Let's do it. All right. It's either start doing drugs or this shit. So here I am. Hey, man, I've been there. That's why I was on Tinder. All right, give me a rating. I'm going to give it a high because I'm assuming it's a joke.

I think it's funny. I'll give it a seven. Yeah. Okay. So this person's name is Curry Cheese for some reason. So it's your profile. Yeah, it is. A hundred percent.

So I'm going gonna throw a dart at the dartboard and yeah it seems like this one's angry take your fucking glasses off I don't care who you are or what kind of fish you caught this is only about looks right now you wankers yeah I'd like that one too it's so aggressive

yeah but I assume they mean sunglasses oh okay I just thought they were like bullying people. No, I assume it's like, if I can't see half your face, what the fuck's the point? That's true. I get it. Okay, yeah.

I'm upgrading my four to an eight. Yeah, that was one of my big pet peeves. It was a picture of a woman and one picture is her like 15 miles away on a beach. And it's like, why are you so far away? That dot is hella sexy. Yeah. And the other one is like her in a big sun hat with big sunglasses on.

It's like, cool. Well, like the lower half of your face seems okay. At least it's not dog filter. Oh God. Fucking dog filters. Okay. You ready for this? This one is for Caroline.

Or is it? Is that the red flag? Disclosure. This account is being managed by Caroline's friend Jennifer. If we chat, you are not talking to Caroline. You're talking to me, Jennifer. Call the screening process. This online dating world is rough, as you're all aware. I'm just trying to help weed out the crowd. Heart.

Put your fucking shirt on. I need to introduce them to curry cheese or whatever. Whoever hated the glasses. Glasses off, nerd. Shirt on. This is Jennifer. Yeah, no, this is a huge red flag. I once matched with this woman who I was like,

oh, you're very, very cute. But I noticed that every picture had another woman in it. And at one point I was like, oh, you're very, very cute. But I noticed that like every picture had another woman in it. And at one point I was like, hey, just checking because it seemed like like one of the women who was in it was like sometimes it was just like half her face. So I assumed it wasn't her. And I was like, hey, just double checking. It's like, who am I talking to? She's like, well, it's both of us, but it's me and it was the one that i didn't

find attractive no and she was like if if uh you know you gotta kind of like get past me and then yeah and then she's like and then you know whatever her name was would we'll go on a date i was like no i know what's gonna happen i'm gonna be like okay cool and you're gonna be like yeah great this is awesome she's going to happen. I'm going to be like, okay, cool. And you're going to be like, yeah, great. This is awesome. She's going to meet you here and then it's going to be you. And being like, oh, sorry, she couldn't come. So I figured I would come just not to stand you up. Hello. Okay.

So anytime there's any like two person fucking Yeah, it's weird. No. What's your rating then? Like a one? I'll give it a three because of the aggression at the end. This is for Chi? Chai?

And the picture is them lounging in the park with their dog. I'm about to give up my foster dog and I just quit my job, so I'm very depressed. Delight me. If we meet, we'll be masked at all times no exceptions and delight me as in all caps uh yeah no i can't even find like the humor in this usually it's like or that like i assume it's a joke but this just seems like no you know what like we've had worse ones on but i think i'm going to give this 0 out of 10 because

I just want so little to do with this. One, it's not my job to delay you. Two, if you're that paranoid about dating that you want to be masked at all times, what the fuck are you doing? I guess go for a walk? You can't go for drinks. Not that you'd want to. I don't know.

Why are you giving up your dog and quitting your job? it's a foster dog so similarly like she's like giving it to a new home i guess right i don't know fuck if i know either way i hate it all right this is anna life is destined to be a lonely journey why are you on dating profiles then that's that's it i mean yeah that doesn't really strike hope for me that you think that if it's destined to be a lonely journey then it's like well we're not gonna make it uh yeah no it's like again like i don't like it i'll give it i'll give it a one a one okay yeah i that's the thing it's like there's nothing to even like laugh at it's just sad that's the best you could think of that's like

you're like what you want to put out there in text form to represent yourself is that I read for this one your loneliness though defeated is still glorious dummies and hooligans please slide left at first i thought it was

gonna be a britney spears lyric your loneliness though defeated is glorious dummies and hooligans please slide left please slide left see it's perfect i love it 10 out of 10 imagine getting here and being like oh I am a dummy shit or oh I'm a hooligan do I have to swipe left swipe left slide left either I'm quite the hooligan sometimes you're 100% a hooligan

oh okay yeah no this one's just so so bad but it's gonna be a 3 it's a 10 if you sing the song to britney spears yes but she didn't and the last one tm so maybe they're trademarked we don't know actually did you give me a rating for the last one i said 10 okay well global pandemic exposing the inefficiency and corruption in every societal institution red skies spelling fire and doom and screaming at the human destruction of the world. We live in uprisings against a violent police state.

But what I want to know is, have you heard of our Lord and savior, Kyle Lowry, Canada's ass? Uh, yeah, I like that. Give it a solid eight.

Yeah. Yeah. I can give it about that too. Uh, thank you very much for listening. It is, uh're we're i'm already surprised we're at like three episodes into 100 it's i feel like episode 200 is going to come a lot faster yeah i feel like we're gonna blink and we'll be at 200 picking up momentum

somehow making time go faster which you're welcome because this year needs to fucking end yeah it's almost 2021 and i do love how a lot of people are like well i can're welcome because this year needs to fucking end yeah it's almost 2021 and i do love how a lot of people are like well i can't wait till this year's over as if 2021 will magically be better yeah as if like you know the stroke of midnight on december 31st it's going to be like corona gets eradicated it's like we're not on like a timer it's like, survive as long as you can. And then when we wind down the clock, it's like, you did it. Yeah. Here's this really great year.

Everything's chocolate. Yeah. It's not like we're in horde mode and we just have to survive till 2021. And then it's like, bing, completed. 500 experience. Here's a new weapon. Although. Although...

Although? If that does happen, I hope I get a bow. That's fair. That's fair. Thank you to Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities for their song, Paper Stars. And it's funny because I feel like I say it the exact same way every episode, so it just sounds like you recorded

me saying it once and edited it in. It also just happens randomly. Maybe I do, maybe I don don't you'll never know uh if you want to send us a question for us to answer please hit us up on facebook at facebook.com slash fck buddies podcast you can find us on twitter at fck underscore buddies you can hit us up on gmail at f buddies podcast at gmail.com or you can visit us online at f buddies podcast.com all right here's the sex rating all right cookies not like all the women that plays not just with regard to love making but with other things as well for instance we want cookies means just that there's no second guessing no reading between the lines no wondering if his

request for cookies is a result of something he's done wrong, if he'll wind up sleeping on the couch before the night is through, seeking comfort in someone else's bed, something he's not done since he's been with Cookie. he brings cookie ginger snaps instead of shortbread. Though, the monster Clay has discovered in their time together is partial to chocolate chip cookies and a despise of oatmeal raisin, unless they're slathered in icing. The sweeter, the better. The phrase, Me want clay, is easy enough to understand as well.

There's no need to overthink things or consider mood when it comes to sex and what Cookie wants. The monster is surprisingly communicative in bed, creative, and flexible. Likewise, Om Nom Om Nom Om requires a little interpretation on Clay's part.

And for some reason, the sound of Cookie's enjoyment as he stuffs his face with a play full of cocky cookies makes Clay hard and horny as fuck. Freudian slip. Of course, that might be something to do with the fact that Cookie makes the same sound when he's got Clay's dick in his mouth

and he's working his tongue into Clay's ass loosening the tight brain of muscles for fucking. It isn't love. At least Clay doesn't think it is. I don't want to think too much about it because Cookie hasn't asked him for a qualification of what it is that they do have together. Hasn't pressured clay to label it not like a woman would no it isn't love most likely but he and cookie do have going on between them is close enough makes clay want

to stay and figure out what the hell it is they do have and fuck he isn't the woman in all of this neither is cookie and it's weird not having a woman involved. Om nom nom. Cookie devours the second plate of sugar cookies, rousing Clay from his thoughts. Crumbs fly everywhere. Shouldn't be a turn on, but it is. Shouldn't cause Clay to have to pop the fly on his jeans and settle back against the couch cushions, adjust himself. Clay bites his lip, digs his toes into the plush carpet, takes the half cookie his lover offers him and stuffs it in his mouth. Crumbs fall from his lips, land in his lap, and he belches at the same time the cookie does. Synchronized belching.

Fuck. Maybe this is love after all. That is the key. That is the indicator. I mean, other than the weird no the weird, like, no woman talk, again, this is still a very healthy relationship. Yeah, the fact's, like, not like a woman would. I'm like, oh, god.

You know it was written in fucking, when was it written? Like, 2012. Never mind. Still. Also, when he's like, oh, there's no guessing what cookies mean, it's like, I'm pretty sure. I'm not. The first time cookies meant sex.

Now cookies actually mean cookies. Because to me, that seems like a big difference. Someone's like, I want cookies. And you're like, all right. Then you go to fuck them. And they're like, what are you doing? I just wanted a treat. You fucking maniac.

Like that to me. Also, the way he's like, oh's he's excellent at communication that's like he says like four things um that's all he yeah me hold you forever also can i just the other thing where he's like oh it sounds like he's got him in his like the same noise he makes when he eats cookies the same noise he makes when he has his dick in his mouth it's like cookie have you seen cookie monster eat cookies do you remember what he does there is no way i would rather cardi be soggy my dick up than let cookie monster fucking show down yeah yeah oh man anyway let's end this bad boy do you remember paulaen? Do you know who Paula Deen is? Um, no.

She's like the southern cooking woman. She also ended up being like super racist. Oh. But she, like, everything was just like deep fried and covered in butter. And this is important because Paula Deen on Pornhub says, that girl is so skinny, she definitely needs more butter.

My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niles Fane. We've been your fuck buddies. Nom nom nom nom nom. Nom nom nom nom.