F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 104 - Diary of a Swimpy Kid

Episode Date: September 28, 2020

This week we bring a very important update regarding #NoSimpSeptember which we definitely take very serious and don't mock at all.  Topics include women's inability to understand kindness, the hazards of a 24/7 fetish lifestyle, keeping your relationship spontaneous with attempted murder, a double grandpa situation, engagement ring conman classics, accidentally marrying a pornstar and a sex writing segment that affects Dain to the very core of his being.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. And welcome back to this week's episode of Fuck Buddies, the podcast. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations.

Simply put, we find questions either online or from our lovely listeners and we endeavor to answer them for y'all. Yeah, and it's, I'm good. How's your, how's your no sim September going? It's, it's tough. I, I just want to give in to all that mediocre pussy out there.

I already forget the anachronym, but yeah, I remember it being mediocre pussy, but I can't remember like settling or something. Stupid idiot. Mediocre. Simply impressed by slowly insert now people are really funny though it's like just like I don't know

the song simply the best but simply impressed down down down pussy more mediocre than the rest yeah damn it now i need to know what it is it's gonna drive me fucking crazy sucker who idolizes mediocre pussy yeah okay so really should be swimp swimp swimp which like kind of makes sense you know i mean if you're calling someone a wimp

right like swimp makes sense yeah i swimp to so much better y'all are fools for not swimping it up but now we've made the term you can send us five dollars every time you say it yeah uh should we get these questions yeah do you want me to start do you want to start oh man i you know what i'm gonna start because i feel like uh i actually there's something i didn't know about women that uh seduction Soberetta has kindly laid out for me. So I figured I'll just let us, I'll teach us something that we can then apply to the rest of the podcast. Okay. And they're nice enough because it's for genuine nice guys and newbies by the user Legend503.

Oh, hey, I just saw this. Yeah. Why women see nice as something bad. When women are nice, they usually want something they are only nice to manipulate your perception of them so you'll like them and do stuff or for other narcissistic reasons because as i never knew that the women are only nice for narcissistic reasons or when they want something yeah that's crazy i should have known i guess i guess you didn't this was crazy of me to think they could be like, man, and just be nice, you know, for the sake of being nice or because they're people.

But wow. Only when they want something. And that's the thing. So when you, a guy, are nice, they get suspicious because in their world, you're not nice unless you want someone to do what you want. That's why they don't appreciate their value kindness. It doesn't matter if you're genuinely good, a simp or a swim, if you will,

don't overdo it. You don't have to be an asshole. That's a wrong turn. Be kind, not weak, blah, blah, blah,

blah, blah. This guy's an idiot. I love that. He's like, be kind. Yeah. I'm weak, but they can't like women are incapable of registering kindness.

Yeah. It's, he doesn't know what he's fucking talking about. Also just like, imagine having that toxic of a mindset on Yeah. It's. He doesn't know what he's fucking talking about. Also just like. Imagine having that toxic of a mindset on women. It's like. They're this rare creature. That doesn't do human things.

They're only nice when it suits them. To get things. Yeah. Like imagine. Just imagining. That there is an entire group of people. Arguably half the population. Like just are incapable of being genuinely nice yeah like

absolutely just cannot fathom the idea that there is a woman out there who could you know help someone for the sake of being altruistic yeah i saw some i saw a woman hold the door open today and i was like whoa whoa whoa what are you trying to get out of this? What are you angling? I ran away. You want money? I just ran. How much did this door open? No, I didn't. And guess what? She pulled out her woman gun. Because every one of them has a

woman weapon that activates only when you don't give her the thing she was nice to try to get. Like a small two-shot revolver. Either like tucked in between cleavage or like up the slit of a skirt. Oh yeah, only sexy places. Yeah, yeah.

It has to be general adjacent, that's how it charges. Yeah, and it can't be a real gun. It's always gotta be small and like, the newer. Might kill someone, probably just hurt them. I don't know. It's no man's gun, I'll tell you that. Yeah, it's no man's gun i'll tell you that yeah it's no fucking 50 cal yeah oh fuck yeah men are great oh man i love men they can be nice 50 cal dick extender this guy just really like man he's like man man they're so nice

fuck they're nice must be good women art yeah it don't know, man. Does he make half the world, like, all women are sociopaths? Like, they just don't feel genuine emotion? Like, what? Yeah. Oh, things like this. And, like, not a single person is in the comments saying, nah. Yeah. Like, everyone's like, yeah, man, nailed it.

It's like, what the fuck? Actually, one girl does say that it's wrong. And someone said, I don't ask fish. A fisherman doesn't ask fish for help fishing. Neat. It's like, well, if they did, it would probably help. Yeah. Yeah, man.

The fish was like, oh, damn, that lure right there. Fuck, I want to put my mouth on it. Also, you're equating mindless animals. Also, women aren't just there to be consumed yeah to be caught and like like also fishing is so violent you lodge like a spiky piece of metal in their face and drag them out of their environment till they either suffocate or you beat them to death yeah also like cool you do you do it by luring by like know, throwing something attractive on the hook in order for something fake as well. Like, it's meant to look like.

So, yeah, I guess that is a pretty adequate, you know, analogy for seduction. Yep. Anyway, I just thought I'd start us off with that fresh hell. So, speaking of simps, this comes from Reddit throwaway account Sharp. So, you submitted the question? Yeah, you know I did. I, 31-year-old male, am in a submissive relationship with my girlfriend, 28-year-old female, and I just realized she doesn't actually love me. My girlfriend of one and a half years and I follow an FLR, which means female-led relationship.

It's basically a lifestyle fetish thing. Without being too specific, I basically have dedicated my life to making her happy in a seemingly selfless way. It's not really selfless, I guess, because I enjoy it myself. And that's all I get from it. She controls all the finances. We only do stuff that she wants to do. We never do what I want. Sex is only for her. I do all the chores, etc. The whole relationship is basically about double standards that benefit her and that don't benefit me, to put it simply. But that's just how our relationship is. I've struggled with it from time to time, but overall, I enjoy it. I have a sciatica issue with my back. It's normally not a big deal,

but over the weekend, I seriously screwed it up. It was totally agonizing and I had to go to the hospital. My girlfriend was completely unsupportive and didn't care about me at all. She told me to power through the pain, but I was like rolling around in pain almost. It was clearly impossible. I called her by her first name by accident, and she yelled at me for being disrespectful. I had to drive myself to the hospital because she wouldn't let me use the phone. She was completely annoyed about the whole thing. I think she told me that she hopes I catch the virus, but I wasn't sure. I was out of it as I was leaving the house. They gave me some muscle relaxers in the hospital and I'm doing much better now, but I'm trying not to exert myself too much until the disc completely goes back into its place.

Also, while she does sometimes treat me badly as part of the quote unquote role, she doesn't seem to be doing that here. I mean, she knew it was serious and I think she just revealed exactly how she felt. I always thought even though we were had this relationship that she did actually care about me but because of the way our relationship is didn't come out much. She loved me in her own way I thought but these last few days I realized that she actually just views me as a literal servant. She doesn't even care about me as a person only as a submissive partner. Even calling it a partnership doesn't make sense. Maybe this is the wrong place for me to post it, but I wanted to get a vanilla perspective with some people that have normal, healthy relationships.

Am I overthinking this? Do you think I might be able to make this relationship work long term? And if you have dabbled in DS stuff, Dom stuff for people who don't know, I'm curious to hear if any of you have had similar experiences. Thanks. Wow. Okay. know i'm curious to hear if any of you had a similar experiences thanks oh wow okay so in like physical domination and stuff you have a safe word so maybe this person needs a safe word for when he's in absolute agony and needs to go to the hospital and his girlfriend's being horrendous to him and he's not sure whether or not they're playing the game and should be like hey wet beans and they're like oh no you're actually in agony let me help you

yeah i mean like that is like anyone who doesn't know anything about dom sub culture knows about safe words like it is yeah it's pretty much the most accessible piece of information because it's also probably one of the most important yeah like everyone knows this so it blows my mind that you've entered into this dom sub relationship and you know that it's a fit sort of like situation and a lifestyle great cool but then you've done none of the work like none of the backbone structure that makes these relationships work i also love there's almost like a little dig at the end where he's like i guess i come talk to vanilla people it's like okay okay bud um well i think i think the real triggering thing in that last little bit is when he says um he wants a vanilla or vanilla perspective with people that have normal, healthy relationships.

Yeah, if he's admitting that his is not healthy. Yeah, it's like normal is relative. Like there is no such thing as a normal relationship. There is sort of like a, you know, typical, I guess, in terms of like what is generally broadcasted or shown. You know what I mean? But like in terms of normal relationships, that doesn't really exist because there's always some sort of,

you know, tweak here and there from couple to couple to couple. Yeah. And like, if he's admitting that his isn't healthy, then like, that's the very answer he needs. Right.

Yeah. I mean, I think it's like a Freudian slip. Yeah. Oh, a hundred percent. He probably thinks that like normal healthy relationship in the sense that it's like a man and a woman in a,

you know, a monogamous relationship, you know what I mean? Like that's probably his, like the, the societal, you know, mind taking over at that point being like,

that's a normal healthy relationship, despite the fact that there are plenty of heterosexual monogamous relationships that are all hell of not healthy yeah and the thing is just like if he is really into this like flr or whatever if he was doing it right he wouldn't be struggling with it right like he says i struggle with it sometimes but that that's a fucking red flag right there it's meant to be like a fetish and something you enjoy if you're struggling with it you're either doing it wrong or you don't enjoy it as much as you might think yeah um and it's like i i could get it you know

what i mean like it might suck every now and then to be like i really want to go see this movie but i know that i can't well that's that would be an unhealthy relationship because it's like you're doing it because you want to do it so if at any point you want to go see this movie surely that's safe work time and you know your partner presumably cares about you so like like i don't think you can have this this role play up all the time unless that's what you want and if it isn't then you need those breaks or else it is an unhealthy relationship you should never exactly feel enslaved to the fantasy you guys have going on. Like people have sort of like they're like most BDSM couples that I know. Like I know two couples who are very, very active, at least in the Toronto like Dom sub scene. And like if you like I've gone out for dinner with them or like I've met them out for birthday parties and shit.

And it's like you would never know you know i mean like there's because like they know that there's like compartments in their life where like you're not always on you know what i mean like they're not constantly whipping each other and they're not always in leather they don't always have a ball gag in their mouth they know that like oh yeah There are times where like, you know, your fetish has a place to roll or play. And then there are times where like you put it aside and don't, you know, actively live it. It's like,

no fetish is a 24, seven, a hundred percent of the time thing. And if it was, then like, it wouldn't like, if you wanted it to be then surely there wouldn't be issues like this that's the thing it's like it to me it seems completely unreasonable to have it

be a 24-hour thing but hey if you want to do it that's fine but obviously you don't if you're struggling with it and if your like partner can't even turn it off when you literally have to hospitalize yourself in a pandemic yeah and like i mean there's so many things here where you said that you were so out of it that you don't really remember what she said and you drove a car like you could have died my dude yeah this seems dangerous but also it's like if you're that far out of it you can't remember like did you maybe imagine some of this stuff like that's i don't know what what is going on but you need to go home and you need to be like hey i enjoy what we're doing again if you do because i'm not entirely sure um and say however like yesterday i was in severe pain blah blah blah uh and i needed you to be supportive and you weren't and talk to her and see if she's just

like you're fucking weakling like fuck you just get out of that relationship if she's like oh oops i thought we were doing our thing then you that's kind of your opening to be like okay still pretty shitty that you were unable to like you know differentiate between my real trauma and this thing we're doing but this is now the time that we need to get a safe word in play because obviously we can't do this 24 7 and you know move forward that way in a more healthy sense because right now it just sounds like you are someone's punching bag and someone's free labor and it sounds terrible like i said like i i honestly personally believe that there's no fetish that can be healthy that is on 24 7 i honestly and truly believe that i think there always needs to be a point where like you pause and take a breather whether it is only

for 10 minutes at a time or an hour at a time to like you know have some breakfast and shower and you know take a minute to sort of recoup and and read return to humanity um but i i don't like you said everything that i need to say um so i'm not gonna repeat it you need a safe word and that's going forward you need to address it with your partner and even just like in standard bdsm like aftercare is a big thing and like that's that's after like you know a sexual experience like could be half an hour it could be an hour it could be whatever whereas like you're doing this for weeks on end with no kind of affirmation that sounds fucked yeah i mean yeah that's the thing it's like after a you know any sort of bds there's usually an aftercare situation and the whole point of that is for the dom to establish with the sub that he cares about or they care about their sub and that

they care about their safety and their their feelings and you know and it's usually like soft cuddling and like gentle rubbing of the areas that were hit if there were any um and that is like a way of being like outwardly we show aggression but internally i still care much like very much about you um and so maybe you need to talk about you know instituting a period of aftercare maybe at night when you're going to bed you have a nice little cuddle and she can thank you for what you're doing and that's not going to break the fucking illusion. You know what I mean? And if it does,

then it's an unhealthy fetish. Yeah. It's going to be the only way you're going to be able to continue because clearly you are worn down. Yeah. No, this is by user throw RA knowledge. Um,

I'm not going to, I'm not going to go with the, the title here. My girlfriend, 20 year old female is completely crazy, but mostly in a good way. Spontaneous. I'm not going to go with the title here. My girlfriend, 20-year-old female, is completely crazy, but mostly in a good way. Spontaneous is an understatement. Sometimes she goes too far, but I love her for her crazy personality. I, 18-year-old male, am more relaxed and we balance each other out.

Two recent incidents really freaked me out, though, and I need advice. I was driving on the highway with a lot of traffic. We were going maybe 40 miles per hour. She suddenly started tickling me and wouldn't stop when I yelled at her. I jammed on the brake, and someone almost hit us from behind. I asked her what the fuck is wrong with her, but she just laughed about it and told me to chill. I said, why would you make me want to do that? And she says, or what would make you want to do that? She said, IDK, just felt like it. Then last Saturday, I was hiking with her and I was standing near this steep cliff. I'm usually wary of her because you never know what she's going to do, even though it's usually just a prank or something. I let my guard down though.

She went behind me and pushed me towards the cliff. I swear I almost fell off. She did it hard and I ended up right at the edge. She was laughing so hard. I freaked out and started screaming at her and I may have been out of line, but holy shit. She laughed about it at first, but then she started crying and saying she was sorry. Next day, she started texting me saying she didn't mean any harm and didn't know I would get so mad at her for doing that. Am I crazy for even thinking about this? Is it possible she's just immature and if I get back with her, she'll be different? Kind of lonely, and I really love her. But this made me rethink the situation because now I feel she's legit crazy, not just fun crazy.

Thanks for your advice. And this is my girlfriend tried to push me off a cliff as a joke i mean i mean that's i think the answer is in that title like it doesn't like no matter what the what comes after that comma you know what i mean like my girlfriend tried to push me off a cliff like it doesn't matter what what you put after that unless it's like you saved my life yeah maybe it was a low cliff and there was water and a bear was coming at you and it's like dang my girlfriend was a hero um but it's like like regardless of the reason she was doing it or regardless of like what you know she thought she was doing she still tried to push you off a cliff my dude yeah there's gonna be a point in time where she's gonna do this and something bad is going to happen you know i mean you can only tempt fate so often

like what if it was like the ground on the edge of the cliff there was you know weak dirt and you just fucking ate shit well that's the thing it's like there are certain things you don't you don't fuck around beside you know what i mean like you don't jump onto train tracks even if there's not a train coming just because you know it's just one of those things like i'll bet you she'd do the same thing near in a subway oh 100 that's two situations you very easily could have died in like you don't fuck with people when they're driving especially physically you know what i mean even if she was like getting up in your face and like blah blah blah or like whatever it would still be pretty bad but the fact that she literally

physically is distracting you and like tickling you and then ignored you when you said to stop to the point where you're almost in a car accident like if you've been going any faster you guys might have died you know and it's not even like in that situation it's not even about you guys you're on a road yeah where like all took like if you spun out you could have taken a you know any number of fucking lives there you could have like hit the fucking minivan with the kids like anything could have happened at that point and yeah you know also if you hit someone it would be your fault. Really? You're the driver. They're not going to be like, wait, she tickled you.

You know, no one's going to have been there. Yeah, it's it's a nightmare. And I I think there's something to be said about I don't think you should get back with this person. They're clearly too immature to sort of grasp like the boundaries of what's a funny prank like if it was one thing like oh she's doing stupid shit at home and it kind of annoys me and like you know maybe she broke something you liked or destroyed something that you had like okay cool like you could discuss boundaries then and like maybe give her another shot but when it's your life and the lives of others you don't get a second stab at that you know what i

mean like it's one thing if someone breaks a fucking you know lego house that you built in comparison to you know spinning you out into a you know five car collision on the highway yeah also like the the sentence where it's like i let my guard down i shouldn't have let my guard down around her because you never know you imagine living like that it's terrible and on guard because your girlfriend may try to murder you it reminds me of winston from new girl where it's like this is what she thinks pranks are it's like she's trying to push you off a cliff she either goes too high or too low prank sinatra Sinatra. Yeah. Holy shit.

Yeah. I mean, like you definitely need to, I think there's no harm in talking to her and being like, Hey, I can't be with you because I literally don't know if I'm going to survive the next day. And she'll probably say,

I won't do it again. I won't do it again. I think she'll do it again and you'll die. you know, you talk to her about the car thing and then she tried to push over a fucking clip. Yeah. So it's one of those things where you just be like, sorry, I hope this is well you know you talked to her about the car thing and then she tried to push over fucking clip yeah so it's one of those things where you just be like sorry i hope this is you know the step you need to mature in order to keep the people that you supposedly care about safe but i can't be with you and i really hope that you're not with anyone until you sort of get your shit together because this isn't funny yeah Like putting someone's life at risk is not funny.

And then you can do a whole true crime podcast when she pushes the next person she gets with onto a subway line. Yeah. Here's a, this is, this to me is a Nile question. This is something, this is something you would probably bring.

And I'm not sure that you don't already have it. I'm not going to read anything, but the question, my younger daughter's boyfriend has been staying with us for the last couple weeks because his mom had the coronavirus and he didn't want to catch it. I made him stay in a different room, but since I'm busy with my work, he somehow got both of them pregnant and they are happy with it and want to raise the babies at my house as if the children were siblings instead of first cousins.

They also want the boyfriend to move in. He got who pregnant the both of whom both of the daughters whoa uh and then he goes on to say i'm against this because it's wrong for my daughters to share a boyfriend and it's weird i want them to stay in school instead of drop out and raise a kid i'm busy with work and can't provide free babysitting. They refuse to get rid of the pregnancies. What should I do? And this is their kid. Their kids. So the Reddit user is ThrowRADoubleGramps

and his question is, my daughters, 18 female and 21 female, both got pregnant from an 18 year old male boyfriend. They want to raise a house together in my... or want to raise a house together in my or want to raise the kids together in my house what should i do man that's fucked yeah i mean like a wild that's a wild move it's like hey how about you come stay with us like i will like help you and provide for you and protect you in this situation i'll get both your daughters pregnant how are they cool with it he's literally living

like a fucking wild ass he's living a porn life porn yeah technically there's nothing wrong with this you know what i mean he's not related to either of them so technically he can he can have babies with both of them i think the problem if they're both cool with it somehow which they seem to be like hey so my concern here is that there might be a little bit more mingling between the sisters than there should be for relatives yeah it seems unlikely that he would be able to have sex with both of them without upsetting them if there wasn't some kind of like joint effort yeah and whether that's just like we're both actively okay with this beforehand and they're hopefully doing it separately but like that seems bizarre yeah and like i mean i don't

know i just i don't know really what to say about this. Yeah, I'm at a loss here. I think as the dad, you kind of have to sit them all down and be like, hey, you realize that what you have here is a very, very difficult situation on your hand. And it's like, unfortunately, it's not your place to force them to do. But it's not difficult. They just live together, raise the babies together. They already solved it.

For them, it seems quite simple. I guess. I think you have to get to the to the bottom of like why they want to do this like i assume there's there's a reason because like do they feel like is it like a religious thing or like a societal thing where they feel like they can't go any other way like do they feel trapped in this outcome or do they actively want this outcome and if they feel trapped it's kind of your responsibility to to guide them and like give them support so they don't feel that way and if they actively want it as well i guess discover why yeah and also am i alone in thinking

that this guy looks like a really like weaselly skinny white rapper kid the one who got them both pregnant 100 yeah like how much blackmail does he have on the daughters like what i feel like there's something else going on here and it's either the incest angle that you mentioned mentioned or some kind of like darker like blackmail magic thing maybe he's magic i don't know this seems weird yeah i mean like there's so much that we don't know about this i would definitely like try to talk to your daughters individually without him around and without the other i would probably send him back to where he came from right now honestly because who knows who's next you might be pregnant already yeah I mean is the wife still in the picture cause like I would

you know is are their mom living with you cause she's the only one not safe about to be a mom again what if one of the daughters got pregnant in a different scenario and thought that this was the best way to get through that

like as lying and being like oh yeah it was him and like he's like i guess and like it's it's just a way for her to avoid like i can't imagine any situation where this is the better oh that's fair that's fair um i yeah i feel like you need to talk to your daughter separately figure out what's going on but also like this dad i'm not sure i necessarily trust him because like what does he say at the start it's like oh i made him stay in a separate room but i'm busy with work and somehow they're both pregnant now it's like what's like how does him having his room at night like affect like

it's just like that's not a direct correlation like well he sleeps having his room at night like affect like it's just like that's not a direct correlation like well he sleeps a different room at night but like whoa how did this happen it's like he somehow got him pregnant yeah so this other time in the day and other places and like what are you talking about i think that was just him sort of being like hey i you know i did what i could i guess but uh but yeah i mean, you can't stop teenagers from fucking going to town on each other. No. They'll find a way. It's like Jurassic Park.

Especially at that age. Yeah, but, yeah, like, advice for this would be, like, maybe tell the son he cannot stay there any longer. Get the daughters separately. Talk to them. And, like, get to the root of this. Find out why they want this to happen and how this situation came about and like then kind of make your best judgment with that because it seems like a very bizarre situation and like even just talk to them on the like uh like uh consequences like talk to them about the consequence of this like if you do go for

this batshit plan it's like i assume they're american i'm i don't know yeah i don't know well i'm assuming depending on where you are that like actually i don't really know marriage laws but i'm assuming most places you're only really allowed to get married to one person or i guess depending yes i think i think most places frown upon polygamy yeah so that's one thing you're gonna have to deal with so it's like if you ever do want to get married or like, you know, for like tax reasons or anything like that, it's like you're not really going to be able to

or you're going to have to pick one and then the other one's going to be left in the lurch. Or like, how do they then move on to like having a different relationship? You know, it's just all these things. It's going to seem weird to people they meet. Well, there's also like the issue of the children. Like imagine your kid growing up being like, hey, your mom is also your aunt.

Yeah, that's a fucking weird thing to say to someone. And it's going to like it's going to make their lives very, very difficult. And if you think it's not, you need to think back at all the people you've ever made fun of in elementary school and shit for the stupidest bullshit and realize that kids are savage. Oh yeah. And with things like,

especially with social media, it'll be so easy for kids to find out that their mom is also their aunt. Yeah, you know, their aunt. Yeah. You need to just sit him down and lay some truth on them and try to get to the bottom of it.

You know? And also I, I will disagree with one thing you said. I don't think you should kick this kid out right now. It will only further split you from the daughters. And like the damage has already been done. He's not going to get them pregnant again. You don't know this man.

He's so fertile. So I would, I would definitely like have a talk like a man-to-man talk with this guy and be like hey like i took you in and you've sort of betrayed my trust and you know sort of lay down the law on this kid because he is fucking 18 see that's the thing it's like for me it's like by coming into this house and like doing that it seems like a massive betrayal of trust which is why i was like you know and also i just like i don't trust this situation i don't believe that it's harmless so i wanted to get him out the picture you know maybe i don't know maybe you could get i don't know you're right though you don't want to like make things antagonistic already because if these two girls are both like we love him and we

want him to be our father of our kid and we're gonna live together happily and you're like get out that's you're you're gonna lose any sort of rapport you have with your daughter so i think you kind of like need to keep this also like i get it as you know the the patron of the house here you kind of you want to keep this kid safe too you can't be like no go get coronavirus with your mom or like kick him out on the street or some shit you know what i mean so it's like i get that issue as well but i think the main thing you need to think about is this will turn your daughters against you and at this point in time you need you need them to sort of be willing to open up to you and and be able to talk to them yeah no and that's

one thing i was gonna say which is kind of along these lines was just like when you do talk to them don't try to like be antagonistic or anything like really just try to be open and honest and genuine like talk to them and figure out what the fuck happened and why the fuck they feel that way and just try to make something out of that because without knowing more, it's kind of impossible to figure it out. I guess ultimately you're their dad. You just got to support them. Try to. Yeah.

Good luck. Yeah. Are you ready? Yep. This is by user throwRA swooping is bad. My 27-year-old male fiance, 24-year- old female has accidentally lost slash broken three engagement rings now i'm starting to suspect she's doing it on purpose i've been with her for three years now i proposed a year ago but it wasn't out of the blue she'd been not so subtly hinting at getting

engaged for months at that point we're both somewhat hot-headed we generally have a good relationship we only occasionally fight about small normal things i know nothing about jewelry but i spent a lot of time looking for the right ring to propose with. Talked to two of her closest friends to get their input and in the end spent $4,000 on the ring. When she saw it she told me she loved it and I'm sure she was telling the truth. In January she called me up in tears. She'd somehow lost the ring on her way home from work and had no clue where it might be. I left work early to come help her search but since since she'd been riding the subway, it was long gone. She was quite distraught, so a few weeks later, I dipped into my savings and got her a different ring. It wasn't quite as expensive, but it was

from the same jeweler and still a good make. Around June, I noticed one day that it had been a while since I'd seen her wearing it. She went pale and confessed that she thought she'd taken it off before bed one night and now was lost in our flat. We searched for days, up half the floor where i was looking for it but the ring is still to this day missing at this point buying another ring was out of the question too expensive so i asked her she'd rather a have a cheap one under 50 until we're married or b go without a ring for now she chose b one day we were visiting my grandmother who asked my fiance where her ring was we told her it was lost she was kind enough to give one of her rings instead no she seemed delighted and everything was working perfectly until i came home to find my grandmother's ring on the table almost unrecognizable my fiance

cried told me she managed to step on it that morning hard enough to break it i took the ring to a jewelry repair service right away they told me that since the stones were missing the original fitting is warped it will never really be the same. Then they told me they were certain someone stepping on it couldn't realistically cause that amount of damage. I got home. I brought it up to my fiance and asked if she was 100% sure she'd only stepped on the ring. She flipped out, yelled, asked if I was calling her a liar. I mentioned what the jewelry store said.

She screamed about him only caring because of the money and cost of the rings. So in two days, we've barely spoken, and she's only coming out of our bedroom for meals. TLDR, she has lost two of her engagement rings and broken a third. I tried to talk about her. She exploded. Any advice on how to handle this? Call off the wedding.

Yeah. This is not normal behavior i would assume like i try not to think the worst in people it's hard to do after doing this podcast for almost two years but like i'm gonna wager she fucking sold the two rings and then obviously tried to pry out the fucking stones of the third one. There's no other way to think, is there? I've owned rings. You know what I mean? I've seen rings. I know how

they're made. There's no way that stepping on a ring would fuck it up. Also, you would have to like drop it, have it land like perfectly like on its edge erect and then step on it when it's erect and like not step on it. You'd have to fucking like stamp on it. Like boots or some shit.

So unless your fucking fiance is walking around the house in the fucking, you know, like the big metal boots in Zelda, you sink to the bottom of the fucking water temple. Like, unless that's the fucking kind of shoe that she's wearing, there's no way. Yeah. Unless she could kill a man by jumping on his head

with these boots. Yeah, like, it's impossible. And the fact that, like like she fucking like lost her mind at you you've already sank like three or seven grand into replacement rings which by the way isn't it kind of fucked up that like as the guy you would spend like four thousand dollars and the girl's just like thanks well presumably it's like you have to buy the dress and shit, right? Yeah, for yourself, though. I guess, yeah. It's like, yeah, it's even because I also had to buy myself something expensive.

Because you have to get a suit and shit, too. Yeah, no, again, I could go for years about how much I fucking hate wags. But you are 100% right. Somebody suggested checking local pawn shops for the first two rings and i think that is a great suggestion because um or even i don't know how marketplace works try to see if like a facebook marketplace yeah shit like that yeah gg like online kind of stuff because you know what i think pawn shops gives you such bullshit for wedding rings because like diamonds aren't actually rare anymore so uh like you would get next to nothing so you're right maybe like a

facebook marketplace kind of deal but it's like does she have a habit that she needs money for that's the thing it's like you need to like if if this is happening you kind of also have to figure out what that money is going towards yeah like is she just kind of like trying to get a bug out bag so she can leave you is she got a secret shopping or gambling or like drug addiction or something that you don't know about none of which are good good things when you're trying to get married yeah also like she could just be conning you my dude yeah like like you seem like kind of an easy mark you're actually checking off all of the fucking like con man classics you're like swindling the rich older

relative the fucking you know oh i you know i lost my ring you know what i mean like and now when she got caught she's fucking gaslighting you into thinking i you know i lost my ring you know what i mean like and now when she got caught she's fucking gaslighting you into thinking that you're the asshole and also when you have the choice of getting a cheaper ring or like waiting she's like yeah we'll wait it's like at that point it's like i'm sorry you've lost your expensive ring privileges here's a trainee ring and we'll work up from there get her like something rubber and like staple it to her. It's like the fucking egg baby in home ec class. It's like

you need to prove that you can handle this little fucking you know 25 cent ring that I got at a little Gashapon machine thing. And then when you can wear this for six months and not lose it then we might upgrade you to sort of like the Walmart jewelry

like rack not even a counter the little like fucking spinny rack you know what I mean and it's like and then we'll slowly upgrade from there and the best thing is it's like if I had done this honestly and someone was like hey what the fuck

like no part of me would be able to look you dead in the eye and get angry at you and be like, you're really going to accuse me? I'd be like, yeah, I'm so sorry. Like, don't get me a ring. Like, I fucked up three times now. I wouldn't even, after I lost the first one, I would not ask for a replacement ring.

You know what I mean? I would be like, I'm sorry. You get one, right? You know, one happens. People lose their rings. Whatever. One is nothing. I would be like, I think you get one, right? You know, one happens. I, people lose the rings, whatever. One is nothing.

Two is not nothing. Three is a fucking shit show. Yeah. No, like, I don't think if, if I lost a $4,000 ring, I would be like,

you know what? Like I'll take the fucking plastic. I'll take the ring pop. You know what I mean? Yeah, I do agree with that. I would never want a $4,000 ring on my finger. Jesus Christ. Because I probably would fucking lose it.

Or at the very worst, I would just be so worried about losing it. You know what I mean? Be like walking around with like two grand in your pocket all the time. I don't want that. Yeah, it's not great. Is she being mugged? is she being blackmailed has she fallen afoul of the mob i mean all these things could be happening but you definitely need to i think the pawn shop and sort of like maybe look around on kijiji and shit do you guys have

linked finances like does she have new items that you can't explain like this money has to be going somewhere yeah i think you should definitely have like a very rational talk't explain like this money has to be going somewhere yeah i think you should definitely have like a very rational talk and be like you have to understand like while i trust you hopefully um you have to understand these suspicious like these circumstances are suspicious like they're like can you show me how you can step on a ring and pop out all of the fucking stones and then some are unrecoverable that you just can't find them yeah it's like you have to understand like this is troubling and you know it sucks so and like it's tough because like you pretty much are being like hey i think i think you are lying to me um no matter how you phrase it

that is sort of the you know subtext like uh yeah just like have a conversation with her because her reaction is worrying enough as it is because she shouldn't be exploding at you she's the one that's fucked up you know all these times you're the one that's down seven grand like she should be begging your forgiveness almost rather than exploding in your face and maybe that's why she's doing it maybe she is so guilty and so shitty that she's trying to like flip the script by making it your fault for not trusting you. But that's also not cool. You guys really need to get that together.

And also it's like if this jeweler is telling you that that damage isn't from someone stepping on it, they have no reason to lie. And she. Yeah, this guy isn't going to be like, hey, you know what I need to do? I need to break up couples who have already bought engagement rings because they're not going to buy another engagement ring. So I need to break up engaged couples in order to keep selling engagement rings. Yeah, because if you stay with her, you're going to buy at least five more rings. He knows that by now.

Yeah, I feel like you need to really get to the bottom of this and definitely do not get married before you do. Speaking of getting married before you know secrets of the other person, this question comes from Reddit user AffectionateBrother4. Again, I'm not going to read the

question name. My wife and I met quickly and fell in love. We knew within 48 hours we would get married. 10 months later, we were married. We have a wonderful life. We relocated across the country for work and settled down in a much bigger home

than I have ever lived in. Two months into marriage, everything was bliss until a Facebook friend of hers sent her a porn video. She tried to play it off as spam, but I could see the fear in her eyes that I would find out. I did some digging on her old computer and found out she was selling pictures and videos of herself online for the past two years. She was negotiating what she would do in the videos, how long, how much she would get paid. I confronted her and she confessed and we had a heated verbal fight where she said she would do anything to keep me and she's very

sorry for hiding this from me and she loves me more than anything. It broke me. She told me hundreds of times I was her first love and the second person she had slept with. That was obviously a lie. She really had slept with over 20 guys she was filming with these videos. Here's the kicker. She is now the one saying that she does not want to try to resolve it. No counseling, no talking about it, nothing. I'm at a loss for what to do. I had never been so betrayed or deceived in my life, but I still love her and would like to try and work it out. She has not talked to me in three days. And her last message said it won't work out.

Do you think I'm missing something? Should I let her go? Please fill me in how I can no longer feel like I'm having, or getting punched in the stomach over and over. I've not slept or eaten days. I cannot focus on work or anything productive. Well, don't fucking agree to marry someone after 48 hours.

First of all, well, I think that was like there. It was love at first sight. They got married after 10 months, 10 months is still fucked. Yeah. Um,

unless you're like 70, are they 70? Um, he's 27. She's 23. Okay. Yeah. That's a real good way to throw your life away.

Um, now the pictures and videos that she's doing while you guys are together or while they're together was that like just self stuff or was she actually filming with people i don't know because it does say that she was negotiating what she would do in the videos how long and how much we get paid so i assume those were like um sounds like a self-curtain stuff right yeah but then she then he does say that she was filming with over 20 guys now while she was filming her videos yeah if that was in the past she had done stuff with guys but now she was doing stuff you, like tape of her masturbating or whatever and sending it out for money. Those are very, that's,

that's one thing. If she's currently sleeping with people and filming it and sending it out for money, that's another thing. Yeah. I'm, I'm going to be assuming that he says for the past two years, she's been doing this porn and that there are videos of her sleeping.

So I'm assuming that it was like up until recently she was still sleeping with other dudes for these videos which i mean right there is grounds for a relationship to be ended in my opinion i think that like if if she's going to be sleeping with multiple different people that you don't know about um god knows if they're using protection or if there's any sort of like std prevention happening here um but just the fact that like she's cheating on you yeah that's like that like i agree with that whereas if it is just her like sending out tapes to people like it's less cut and dry i don't know man i don't think it is uh yeah i don't know it's like because there's a difference between like work and play really so it's like if you're just

like i don't know like if someone has an only fans that's doing well but they're not literally cheating on you and then they get with you like it's still just a business to them really yeah you know and i definitely think that's something that you need to disclose in a yes specifically a marriage i definitely don't think there's any like carte blanche to just not disclose that but i do think it is also better than actually actively cheating with someone on on someone i and filming it. Um, that's the thing.

It's, it's kind of weird. Cause to me it's like, it's more of a gray area if it's just like pictures or videos of herself, you know? Yeah. I do. I understand what you're saying there.

And, um, but like for my perspective, I, I don't like, I don't think there's any sort of situation here that, uh, I would just be like, this is fine I think this is grounds for a divorce, I think it's grounds for

determination of this relationship, I also think this is a valuable lesson for you to learn here that 10 months is not enough time for you to learn enough about a person It also just seems weird to me because like at the start like even the question seems a little all over the place because it sounds like he was upset and then he was gonna break up with her but then she won't talk to him and she wants it ended so it's like it almost like flipped the script in the middle and i'm not sure what he was really getting at but it's like if she wants to end

things then like you don't really have a choice do you and on top of that it's like you know it i'm sure words were exchanged if you're gonna be like she said oh she only slept with two people but she really slept with 20 people and you found out she had some you know online videos and was sending shit i very much doubt that conversation went down without you saying some pretty unforgivable shit to her. Hey, maybe it did, maybe it didn't, but it's like if he did words were exchanged that were hurtful or, you know, shamey,

it's very possible that the ship has sailed on your relationship. And at this point it should be maybe trying to just make sure you get out of this with a place to live and, you know, most of your assets. Yeah. Yeah, it's a shit situation. And I think it's a great warning sign for people who like, in my opinion, 10 months is sort of like around the time that like maybe you should consider becoming exclusive with someone. Yeah. You know what I mean? around the time that like maybe you should consider becoming exclusive with someone yeah you know i mean like that's like sort of my idea of a timeline even though we've talked about like

timelines are bullshit they don't really exist but like getting married to someone within 10 months that is so dumb there's no way of having a full grasp of someone especially with someone like if you're not living with them like getting married before you live with someone is the wildest idea because like you don't really know a person until you've lived with them and that is a fact it's it's just insanity even like moving in with someone after 10 months i think is crazy yeah even that is is a very really yeah so i don't know but just be careful in future yeah sorry dude all right you ready for a red flag time yes now i realized last week in case someone is this their first time listening they have no idea what the fuck we're doing. Um, so, uh, Niall brings in either, uh, Tinder or like online dating profiles that have been submitted to us from our listeners that

they've come across in the wild. And then we discuss whether it is a good profile or a bad profile, specifically what the red flags are that are being presented. Now, this is going to be a little different because this is, I'm going to read out a post from dating advice and you're going to tell me if they're what red flags or what you can give me your general impressions. Okay. Met him on the online dating app. Can't say we had exciting conversations, but I was open to getting to know him because

he seemed to be a good catch. Asked me out on the first date and suggested we meet halfway between where he and I live, which is fine. I could drive myself anywhere, but he's the only person that has made me drive that far west, whereas other guys I've met put in the effort to drive closer to my suburb. Said we should meet at Starbucks, I get there 15 minutes early and was waiting. He texted me saying he was running a bit late, and showed up 15 minutes after the scheduled time, not a big deal, people are busy and get stuck in traffic, etc. But then he shows up with a tumbler in his hand and says, hey, nice to meet you. Are you going to grab something to drink?

I already made this tea before I made my way here because I don't really like any of the drinks at this place. What the fuck? I said, well, we could have chosen another place, something we both enjoy, because I'm also not a huge fan of the drinks here. To which he replied, just seemed like a central, convenient place to me. So then I ended up buying my own drink. I'm very independent. I'm not upset i had to spend my own money but the things that bothered me were he picked a location that was specifically halfway between us he was late he shows up with a drink in hand despite asking me to meet the place is this normal yeah man this seems

like the dude who's gonna nickel and dime everything and i don't necessarily mean monetary i mean like everything has to be equal or like everything's got like a tit for tat you know what i mean like everything is going to be like well i did the dishes so you and they took me 15 minutes to do so i know you took the garbage out that's only like five minutes worth of work so i'm also gonna need you to like you know wipe down all the windows to get the rest of the 10 minutes of you know i mean like that's kind of the vibe i'm getting from this dude well like showing up with a drink is just a wild move yeah especially like like okay starbucks whatever like there's no way you're so into tea or coffee that starbucks tea or coffee just you can't you just can't do it you know this is the

thing it's like i imagine the tea that you have is probably from a grocery store yeah so i can't believe that you wouldn't be able to find like a peppermint tea of equivalent value maybe it'll be a little pricey because starbucks is a little pricey but like again it's if you can't afford a tea on a date maybe you shouldn't be inviting people out to places on dates like he should show up with his own beer to the bar you know yeah that's a really hey let's go to eat but uh let me just sneak off into the bathroom because I got to shake this steak up in my hot water bottle to warm it up. Yeah, I got a bag full of carrot sticks in my pocket.

BRB. Throw it at the Sturmis. Now, I'm going to throw out a red flag on her side. Okay. She seems very upset that they'd be meeting halfway. Most other guys put in more effort to drive closer to my suburb i don't think there's anything wrong about meeting halfway no absolutely not um and that's that's kind of like colored it a little for me because like i think she was already upset about that you know and also the money thing where she doesn't

mention it but she does mention that she's not upset she had to spend her own money which makes me think she's upset she had to spend her own money no i think that's a disclaimer like i understand why she said that because a lot of people's first reactions would be like oh you're just a woman who expects guys to pay for all the dates i don't know it seems that is nine times out of ten like anytime i i hear like people complaining it's like that's sort of like one of the first things people complain about being like oh you you just wanted a free date or whatever well to me very fact that well maybe maybe that's it maybe she was like pre-answering that question yeah to me it seems

like not thinking about that it seems like she was answering her own. Like she expected it. But she's not upset that she didn't get it. You know. But I also think. I think there is something fair to say. If you're like hey. Let's meet at Starbucks. If you're the one asking someone to a place.

I honestly believe that you should be the one. Buying first round. I'm not sure I agree. But I do think if you're inviting someone to a place. You should be partaking. Imagine you invite someone out for dinner and be like, oh, I ate before I got here. Even that would be wild. But like,

showing up with your own thing. So I think red flags are bound. Yeah. Alright, and then we got three profiles. Okay. This is a hinge thing, and it's fact about me that surprises people. Once they won't let me board my flight because they said my WAP is carrying too much liquid.

Sad face. Ew. Right? That's not what that means. Right? Like, it seems like this person doesn't know how vaginas work. And I'm assuming it's a person with a vagina it it apparently but all uh but everything i can see on the profile and all outward appearances yes what ass pussy doesn't

mean you're like containing liquid inside of you yeah you're fucking with this full ass bladder well that's another thing i i think it sounds like she's saying that her specifically her vagina is just like just brimming yeah with fucking liquid like somehow there is some sort of like gravity thing that's keeping it all in but like you know one one good shove and she's fucking flooding this plane yeah like i read this and i was like i feel like i what she's, she's trying to make a WAP joke. She's trying to say that she's got a, a hell of a WAP and she's trying to make a joke and she's failing so hard at all of those things. I mean, I don't think it's a red flag.

I just think it's not a great joke. It's a terrible, it's a complete red flag. She doesn't know how vaginas work or she does and hers is just doing things it shouldn't but on top of that she's she's not funny yeah that's all the time in the world she couldn't even construct a semi-coherent joke yeah because like the the idea here is that like you know people don't let you on planes because you have like eight ounces of liquid so are you telling me you got fucking eight shots in your vagina right now just fucking sloshing around in there what are they doing specifically the vagina isn't a receptacle you know i mean like it's not it's not a how'd they figure it out i assume it's

just the sloshing right like i assume i assume she got on and it sounds like a fucking water bed in her pants i'm giving that a two yeah this is christine um and she's wearing a uh porn hub top okay it says can eat a banana without chewing but you're not eating it then exactly two and last but not least this is tess i can't stop thinking about that now like i get you're trying to say you can deep throat real well but once you get it down your throat do you just seagull it because that's not attractive uh this is tess by ginger babe dance emoji fun but introverted egalitarian yogi and foodie raised by two chefs i have a strong moksha moto yoga background but my practice is eclectic just like my music taste voracious reader into art hulk horticulture cycling philosophy

hiking live music history embroidery and tie dye etc canoe tripping slash camping movie watching dot dot dot in a serious yet explorative long distance relationship so i'm looking for friends to chill with and see where it goes kiss face wink i would need more definition on what their relationship status is it's explorative yet serious long distance relationship well yeah i mean i guess i like is explorative does that mean open yeah no you're completely right i'm joking just by repeating it as if that would make sense if that's the case then like cool i got nothing wrong with it but that's like really my only problem is i would need i would need a little bit more clarification on what the parameters of her pre-existing

relationship is. How about everything else? It might be a little new agey, but ultimately I don't think I have any problem with it. You know? Is it wrong that tie dye is a red flag for me? Specifically? You know what? I think a lot of people got into tie dye

over this quarantine and as long as you're not trying to sell it, as long as she doesn't have a fucking tie-dye Etsy shop, then I'm okay with it. But if you think that someone out there is gonna buy your fucking tie-dye, I think it's okay. Fair.

But for me, it's like, tie-dye's so uninvolved, right? Unless I don't know enough about tie-dyeing. It's very simple, and you just tie and dye. How could that be when something's so boring and simple and quick? Maybe it's therapeutic. Maybe. Maybe I'm wrong. I don't know enough about tie-dye. I'll give it a five. I got no problem. I'm giving it a seven or eight.

Okay. And that's it. We did it. Well, then thank you very much for listening it has been a pleasure to uh record this podcast for you to enjoy on this fine monday afternoon evening or whenever you listen to it because you might not listen to when it came up but you should but you should back in time right now let's do when it came out do a little bit of capoeira send yourself right on back and uh we're coming up on two years now, aren't we? Yeah, I think we're, what, three episodes away? One episode away?

Yeah. Time flies. Time flies. Even when we feel like it is. Yeah, even in the longest year ever. Mm-hmm. If you have a question for us or would like to reach out and contact us for whatever reason, you can find us on Facebook at fckbuddiespodcast. You can find us on Twitter at fckbuddiespodcast you can find us on Twitter at fck underscore buddies

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and thank you Josh Eagle and the Harvard Cities for their song, Paper Stars. Are you ready? I mean, I don't know anymore. Usually I say yes, but sure. Yeah, okay. This is first encounter. He stared at his tentacles

as they moved slowly in the current. Schoolgirls were out. A plan formed in his mind and he swam to the surface, hesitating momentarily before pulling himself from the water. It ran off his rubbery skin and rivulets as he made his way across the grounds. No humans were around to witness the incredible trek, and no human would believe his eyes had he been a witness. Hogwarts watched the giant squid approach and felt apprehension well up in his kitchen. What are you doing? The words weren't spoken, but they were understood.

Just trust me, the giant squid replied, caressing Hogwarts' outer walls. I'm not ready, Hogwarts exclaimed, trying to push the giant squid away with its magic. Hold on! Are we talking about the actual physical castle? Hogwarts, you're lonely. I'm lonely. We don't have to be. Besides, you can't go around

manipulating your staircases. You know about that? Everyone does it. Sort of. That's beside the point. I've never- The temperature within the castle rose in embarrassment. I'll go slow. I promise. He began to caress a window, teasing it open. Hogwarts sighed, the fight leaving him. He relaxed, allowing the tentacle inside, where it brushed against the inner walls before settling on the stone floor. He fastened suction cups to the floor, lifting the tentacle away so it pulled on the floor without losing its grip. Another sigh swept through the halls of Hogwarts. Oh, Merlin, that feels good.

His rapture turned to fright as he felt the tentacle work its way into a second window. I don't- Trust me. It'll feel good. Remember this? He pulled the suction cups a little harder, and Hogwarts groaned. Do it again. The giant squid complied, and as he did so, thrust his second tentacle in. Hogwarts shuddered, coming very close to ending the fun. The giant squid backed off, unwilling to finish so soon, waited for Hogwarts to calm down before sending the second tentacle to search the room. He felt the need to fill Hogwarts as much as possible and raised another tentacle, caressing his outer walls, running along windowsills and tracing individual bricks. So caught up in the bliss, Hogwarts didn't even notice the giant squid slip in a third and fourth tentacle.

This incredible Hogwarts breathed. This isn't even the best part. He held up his two longest tentacles. These can reach farther than a room. They can go into your hallways. I want them in me. Are you sure? They're quite large. Apprehension rolled through his kitchen again. While he was deciding, the giant squid forced another tentacle in. You have three tentacles left to decide. What happens if I don't? In response, the squid sewed the sixth into another window.

Two, he said simply, with a hint of warning. Hogwarts could take them all. He knew it could. But what would the other wizarding schools think? Would both of them allow a giant squid to violate her? Certainly not. If Durmstrang ever found out, there'd be no end of teasing.

The giant squid grew impatient and slid a seventh tentacle in, followed immediately by an eighth. Two, one, time's up and you didn't decide. What? But that's not fair. It was a simple question. Yes or no? Now I'll have to punish you. And with that, he struck Hogwarts square on the outer wall with a paddle-like tentacle.

Hogwarts yelped and tried to squirm away, but the tentacles and his foundations held firm. Giant Squid struck him with the other, again and again. Also, you're a school! Again and again he spanked the naughty wizarding school, until he sobbed for the Giant Squid to stop, and still he spanked.

It finally stopped, but Hogwarts didn't have time for a preave, for the Giant Squid forced his extra-long spanking tentacles into two separate windows. They slid through the room and forced the doors open, pain only adding to Hogwarts' pleasure. They're in the halls now, massaging their long, stone tunnels. It was incredible, the giant squid thought. He should have done this ages ago.

Every tentacle in a different window. No schoolgirl, no matter how many movies she made, could hold all ten tentacles at once. Each one moved differently and with a different pace, driving Hogwarts crazy. Felt the familiar feeling and doubled his efforts. Ink exploded all over Hogwarts, some finding its way into the windows. He unified his tentacles somewhat, completely focused on Hogwarts. It must be close. And then it happened.

Water shot out of faucets, toilet overflowed, and bread set in ovens to keep warm by thoughtful house elves exploded. Hogwarts shook violently to its foundations, rousing filth from bed and sounding house elves and Mrs. Norris scrambling for cover. Even Hagrid heard the groan of stone and came running. He searched around the castle and through it but found no sign of intruders. Most perplexing was the sticky ink on one side of the castle. Hagrid peered through the dark towards the lake but was unable to see the ripples left at the wake of the giant squid it slipped beneath the waves wanted to grin even though his beak was incapable he anticipated a

very short summer before professors and students returned so we better make the most of it okay i think this is the sex writing that has done the most to me because like is it weird that i kind of think that like if i were a house having house sex would actually be pretty fucking cool well why wouldn't it be you know what i mean like having all those holes yeah it's like i don't know man i at first i was like why would anyone write this and then i'm like why am i not a house why am i not a castle yeah i don't know if i'd want a squid to be fucking me stone corridors to trace your brickwork i'm gonna spend my week meditating on this you know i i thought you did um but hey here we are no it's like it's literally it's it might

have changed my entire perspective on how sex should be done. This is going to finish us, if that didn't already. This might not make any sense to you if you haven't played the hit game Among Us, but this comes from Pornhub user BigSimpDog, and he says, I don't know,

looks kind of sus. My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niles Payne. And we've been your fuck buddies. Take care. And don't be sus.