F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 107 - Be More Like Chad Kroeger

Episode Date: October 19, 2020

If we could all just take a moment to reflect on our lives for a second and see how we could be a bit more like Canadian rock superstar Chad Kroeger the world would be a better place.  Topics include engagement ring fake out, getting out of the pick-up game, STD gaslighting masterclass, giving up masturbation, the infidelity notary.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller. And I'm Niles Payne. And we are your fuck buddies. Welcome to the podcast.

We are dating and sex device. Welcome back to the podcast. Look, I'm sorry I cut you off. Yeah. We are a dating and sex device podcast where we take your sticky sexy situations and we flip them around and turn them into sexy sticky situations. Yeah, and most of our solutions involve flipping, whether it be the back flip

variety, front flip variety, or just, you know, putting a thing that was on top now on the bottom. What am I even talking about? No, we are, we take the questions that we get from either the internet or from our lovely listeners and we answer for you basically. We have had some complaints in the recent week that literally every question we have, people have been loving the amount of questions we've been doing. But they've complained that we just say do a backflip and then move on to the next question. Yeah, it's funny because all the people that are able to do backflips have found it very helpful. All the people that can't have found it very frustrating. And the sad truth is while I can advocate for the use of backflip back back

backflips backflips um i can't tell you how to do one you know that's like i can't yeah exactly thank you we actually have a partnership with uh the backflip channel on youtube um not that's not why this is our advice but uh i'm gonna stop you right there because i'm worried that there is a backflip channel on youtube and in this day and age i can't be positive that the backflip boys aren't some sort of like white supremacist oh yeah or you know what i mean like there's a group of people calling themselves the proud boys yeah which and the backflip boys is a way cooler name than that there is a backflip boys with 150 subscribers um i don't know what the fuck this is but yeah you're right it could be it could be dangerous and we are not related in any way to anyone with a stupid ass gang name also like

okay when i was a kid we all got like little fucking bikes and i was probably like nine everyone in our neighborhood like the little the kids I hung out with and we call ourselves the wheelie boys for not very long um because even we knew that was dumb but even that name is better than the fucking proud boys like you imagine trips like your wheelie boys stand by everyone be like oh shit what to be fair wheelie boys at least sound like you're like a biker gang like could be be a biker gang. Like one of those ironic ones, like, you know, the big dude in prison named Tiny. Like if if someone was like, oh, shit, the wheelie boys are coming in the town. Well, I would be I would be a lot more nervous than someone being like, hey, the proud boys are coming. Yeah.

You know, I think that they're like either think they're like really jolly gay men or like bible thumping sweater vest wearing nerds or like eight-year-olds who are trying to come up with a cool name failed my fit yeah i think the the wheelie boys was the name of that crack uh anti-protest police bike gang right yeah barely could stay on their fucking bikes. That was so good. All right, come on. Let's we've, we're getting off on some real goofy energy right now. I lost all our listeners.

I want to just preface something before we get to the end of disappoint people. I'm not going to be doing a porn hub comment. Uh, I don't know how long, but I'm, I'm giving it a break because today when I was looking for one, I came across a video called anal mom.

Okay. And it made me laugh because those two, those two words together, I don't know. I just think anal mom is a funny, you know, it's the opposite of cellar door. I think it's more like that's poignant.

It makes you think cellar door. It's like, eh, I get it. Yeah. Or maybe it's, it could be a lot of things It's like, eh, I get it. Yeah. Or maybe it's. Anal mom. It could be a lot of things.

Like it could be. Is she a superhero? Yeah. Did she give birth via her rectum? Yeah, maybe that. Oh my God. Yeah, that sounds actually almost more plausible. But like, maybe that's just her power.

It's like butt stuff. I clicked into it because I was like, anyone who names a video anal mom would probably, you know, gather some comments that would be choice. And then I found out that anal mom, wasn't the name of the video. Anal mom is the name of the site. Okay. So there is just a whole brand of videos that are under the label of anal mom.

I don't know if I'm ready to process all of that quite yet. So I just need a break from Pornhub comments for a while. That's okay. You can do RedTube comments instead. I imagine they're all just anal mom videos there. I assume so. Okay, let's get going. You ready for a question?

Yes. So I'm worried that you have this one because I got it today. It's by MeepMurp082. My 24-year-old female boyfriend, 26-year-old male of four years, has held onto and bragged about an engagement ring for almost two years, and I'm not sure what to do. As the title states,

I have been with him for four years. He's my first everything. First real kiss, first relationship, first time sexually, everything. He, on the other hand, is very experienced and does not make that a secret. I'll admit it's caused me to be a bit insecure in our relationship. Nevertheless, it feels like we're basically the same person.

We share a lot of the same interests, humor, behavior, etc. Although as time passed, I realized we're much more different than I thought. We had a decent relationship nonetheless. However, this particular situation has opened my eyes. About a year and a half, two years ago, my boyfriend bought an engagement ring. It would normally be secret until you actually propose. He didn't keep that much of a secret either. Months later, I knew he had it, as did my family.

For the longest time, I was excited. I didn't want to get married ASAP, but I'd love to be engaged knowing commitment was coming down the road. Almost like pre-ordering a video game. I started wondering when he was actually going to make use of it. I mainly started talking to him about it this year because I'm impatient and was confused as to why he would brag about it, but not use it. After a family event or trip, he would tell me he was thinking about proposing there, but didn't. And he would say, but it's the thought that counts. So I decided to bring it up to him. He said he was just scared of asking my dad for permission. That is very important to me. Don't understand because my dad loves him as if he were his own

son. And my boyfriend has a very IDGAF laid back attitude so nothing scares or even phases him but whatever I let it go. Fast forward to the past week and I've had enough. Top of other insecurities constantly thinking of when he might do it and why he hasn't has really got to me. Am I not enough? Does he not find me attractive anymore? Am I wasting my time? I told him I knew he wasn't scared of proposing because my dad he has literally told my dad he's been waiting for him to ask for permission. My boyfriend then said he didn't propose because he started to wonder after buying the ring if marriage was something he actually wanted to do. I feel like an idiot for fantasizing about him proposing when we were on

trips with our families or on a romantic date. He would also joke and say, I'll just ask your dad right now when we're at family dinners, and then wouldn't. Now I realize it's a long-running lie and a cruel joke. I understand his doubts on marriage. I wish he'd never bragged about buying it to me. He told me his true feelings earlier. Like I said, I don't want to get married ASAP. No, I'd be fine just being engaged so we both feel completely ready. The fact that he's not comfortable taking our relationship to the next level

makes me sad and embarrassed. However, I don't know if I'm just overreacting. My mom and friends say I'm wasting my time, but I can't imagine starting over with someone new. At the same time, I don't want to keep pushing forward for something that may not even happen. What should I do? And then there's an edit where there is a ring. He's teased her by showing the box itself.

It exists and is real. He has it just sitting around. There is so much happening on both sides of this question. I think what we need to do is ignore all of it and go back to one sentence that I think snuck by a lot of people. Okay. When he said, my dad loves him as if he's his own son. Do you see what I'm getting at here? I'd like you to go into it.

I believe that at some point in time, this man has found out that they are actually related and he is actually the father's son. Whoa. And then he, so he bought the ring with the purest of intentions. Oh, 100%. And then found out and him and the dad are both like, does the dad

know? See, I'm wondering. I'm wondering if like maybe he was like, he's like he asked his dad for permission and then the dad said see i'm wondering i'm wondering if like maybe he was he's like you know he asked his dad for permission and then the dad said something that sort of like you know put all the pieces together yeah while they were doing it the son like you know he fumbled a little and when he was reaching down to pick back up the ring that for some reason he was showing the dad did he propose to the dad i don't know either way Well, he was grabbing the ring he dropped, his loose top, because he's a hipster, I think. His loose top slipped, and there's a very significant birthmark on his shoulder.

And the dad goes, wait a minute. He pulls down his loose top, because he's a hipster dad. And they stare at each other's matching birthmarks on their shoulders. And then they were like, oh, shit. We can never tell her. And they're like, but you still date her. Keep dating her for two more years. Yeah, please don't worry about breaking up.

That's fine. You've already done it, I guess. You just can't do anything in the Lord's eyes. Yeah, you can't get any worse. You can keep it at the level you're at. That's fine. But it can never escalate. And meanwhile, they're just both really bad at lying.

So every time they just say, oh, they're trying to pin it on each other. Like, gotta wait for his permission. Well, I can't wait for him to ask me. Yeah. You blow this whole thing right open. Then just do a backflip. All right. So this comes from Reddit user.

No. Okay. I'm going to address two things. One, I think this guy is so immature on so many different levels that I don't know if pursuing a serious relationship to the extent of marriage is a good idea. It seems like he needs to sort of figure out a lot of things before progressing to a stage in a relationship as serious as marriage.

Yeah. On the flip side, I think you need to fucking chill with how much marriage means to you um because it shouldn't be like an obligatory step you know what i mean like it seems like she's just like we've been together for x amount of time getting married is the next step and that is the only reason why i should stay in this relationship and i think that's weird yeah i think you feel me on that one i think there's like the one sentence where she's like the fact that he's not even comfortable take our relationship to that level from dating to engage make me feel sad and embarrassed i get that however i think like her and her main problem which is i think very reasonable is that like if she hadn't been told about the ring, I would like to see where she'd be at right now.

Like whether she'd still be like, it's been four years. What the fuck? Because getting the ring, making a public knowledge, not just to you, but also to your friends and family. And then just never doing it. Like that's a wild fucking move. Yeah, it's. And I think that would be frustrating, too, because I think it's almost like if someone's like, hey, I'm going to punch you in the arm. And it's like if they just punch you in the arm, be like, what the fuck?

But then waiting for that punch is like, OK. And then one day you're like holding like coffee that's fall up to the brim and you're like, shit, are they going to punch me now? And another time you're wearing like a padded sweater. You're like, oh, it'd be cool if you punch me now. And it just never happens because like I'm sure there are times where, maybe she's, you know, it's been a perfect night. It's all romantic. Like, she's all dressed to the nines. She's like, shit, this would be perfect.

And conversely, other times where she's like, not feeling so hot. Maybe she has diarrhea. And it's like, oh, I don't want to have to like, run away from this fucking proposal and just go shit my brains out. And that's always going to be in the back of your mind. But they just never get there. Yeah, you've definitely said like, this dude has set himself up for failure. Because no matter how good of a date that you're on. Oh, yeah.

The disappointment of you not proposing on that date is good. Like, you've literally, like, set up, like, an infinite loop of disappointment. Like, until you propose. Which now, after so long is also going to be a disappointment yes like i unless you're working on the world's grandest proposal and i don't mean like big or expensive i just mean like the most like spot on pin perfect yeah like just amazing proposal nothing you can do is to live up to like two years of fucking buildup. It just not going to happen.

So I think the most important thing, I think she needs to sit him down and be like, Hey, can we talk about this ring? And, and express everything that you've just said, be like, I think it's weird that you bought a ring,

told everyone about it and haven't done anything about it if you're not sure about getting married that's fine tell me that if you're not sure about the relationship that's a conversation we should have right now his like playfulness and his kind of like lack of regard with with her feelings and her situation because she's she's put him he's put her in the shittiest situation it's like i'm sure people have asked like oh has he done it yet you know what i mean all these people who know like every time they go out not only is she probably wondering everyone else is wondering and that's been knocking off for two fucking years and it's gonna get awkward and the worst part is when it finally happens if it finally happens it's gonna be a disappointment for them as well

it won't be like oh my god well done it done. It'll be like, finally, you know? Yeah, exactly. What should be a nice situation long before it was even a thing. Yeah. You've sort of like blown your engagement load. Like no one's going to care. No, you got engaged. It's like, yeah, cool.

Like we knew it was coming forever and we don't care about it. Yeah. So like, just let them know all these things. And like, I guess point out the fact that like these jokes like i could have done it but it's the thought that counts like lol it's like no you don't get you don't get points for not for saying you could have proposed but didn't choose to and like joking and laughing off and like mocking me by being like i'll ask your dad and like lying and saying i'm nervous about talking to him when one you know it's going to

be a fine conversation because he's told you. And two, you don't seem to care about anything else. And clearly you don't care about much. If this is your whole fucking play, really lay it out and maybe make it clear that you're not trying to force them to propose because I'm sure this person will, will retaliate with that.

I have a little tantrum and be like, fine, I'm proposing now. Are you happy? Like, don't do that. If that's, if that happens, be like, cool. I think we should happy like don't do that if that's if that happens

be like cool i think we should see other people yeah in fact i think in general that should happen you mentioned a lot about being hit your first pretty much everything you're putting up with so much shit because of that you know and like starting over with somebody else seems so daunting but like you're 24 that's that's nothing you know what i mean like you're 24, that's, that's nothing. You know what I mean? Like you're, you're very, and I'm sorry not to sound dismissive or anything, but I mean like we've all been there and in the moment it feels like this daunting world shaking thing. It feels like almost impossible to consider, but when you're there, you look back and you're like, oh shit, thank God, because you're willing to put up with so much at the start of your like forays into romantic relationships because you know,

you fall hard and you don't necessarily know much better. And, and again, the less you've done it, the more daunting it does seem. So I think you need to get out. Yeah. I mean,

yeah. Sentimentality is a huge factor in this because like in your mind, you're pretty much married. You know what I mean? Like he has a ring, so you're going to get married. So like, it's hard to sort of walk away from that but i yeah that's another thing it's it's like manipulative because it's like you're not engaged but you're kind of engaged yeah i mean so it's like you're not leaving your boyfriend you're leaving that guy who got you the ring right

you know like your family are gonna talk to you about that your friends like everyone knows so i wouldn't be surprised if this was just some weird kind of like staying tactic from him where like you're more entwined because that's what abusers do. They like entwine you to them various, various ways. And like, I don't know. It seems possible that that's kind of what this guy's doing. Like I said, sit him down, lay it all out. If you can't have these conversations with someone you're expecting to be your husband, then you're not in the right relationship anyway.

So lay it all out, exactly what Niall just described, and then make your choice from there. And like I said, if he responds with, all right, fine, I'll propose right now. That is the biggest red flag you can get here because he's not doing it because he wants to. He's doing it because he wants to.

He's doing it because he feels like he has to. He's almost weaponizing it then as well. It's like and it's probably a way for him to get out of like he can be like, it's your fault, Ben, that we didn't have a good proposal. It's whatever you asked for this. You wanted this. Like, you know what I mean? It's going to turn the shitty situation into a you problem and not a him problem. When right now it's a him problem. And, you know, so if yeah, if that talk doesn't go really well i say completely and utterly dump this person and if for some reason

he does have a very good reason and you guys can actually talk it out don't get hung up on the fact that like marriage is the next step because it's been only four years and you're 24 you know like if you really love this person what's the fucking hurry the the thing you have to be willing to compromise or sacrifice on in this like conversation is the dreams of getting married you know i mean it's like not forever or permanently or anything but you might need to sort of table that for a bit for you guys to work on your relationship to get to the point where marriage is a healthy and good option for you yeah and like marriage is a huge deal so it's like you really don't want to be going into this

with doubts or with anything looming over you guys because you know you think it's awkward having to explain not being proposed to yet it's gonna be a lot more awkward to then have to explain your divorce you know um so just you know take time if you need time take it you're again you're young there's no rush nor should there be this comes from reddit user and hey let's talk about this name later if we have to uh this comes from reddit user std tyler saying that i love now i feel like we might have actually had a question from him before. I think I would have remembered that. Yeah, maybe.

He asks, is it possible to be monogamous? One girl for life? Every time I get into a relationship, there's a big spark at the beginning, but then it dies down. Even sex goes from three times a day to once a month. And then I claim another woman. I'm 37, so I don't think I keep with this pickup artist

lifestyle forever. I want to settle down with one girl and focus on more important things and put this whole pickup artist shit behind me. But then I don't believe that I will not crave for another woman or be sexually satisfied for life with one girl only. Or maybe I haven't found the right one yet. Question mark.

Is this on the HumbleBrag subreddit it's from seduction oh i just fuck so much and i'm old but damn i can't stop picking up um okay hold on i as someone who's turning 33 this year i don't want to consider 37 old thank you old as hell man you've people in your 30s how do you even function i'm gonna stay young forever uh i'm 30 very soon i was gonna say aren't you turning 30 this year yes that's the joke okay i think it's a silly question in a certain sense because yes of course it's possible people do it a lot yeah um however a lot of people have difficulty with it uh look at the divorce rates um i guess you need to figure out like if it's something you want to do you'll be able to do it right unless you're

telling me that like you know your sex drive conquers everything like i don't know have you found people that you just haven't matched with on a sexual level you know like i think the amount of sex one has in the relationship does go down the longer you're together but like of course yeah but like that is usually on both sides of the table as well you know it's not like just one person decides they don't want to have sex and the other person's like damn it you know or at least it shouldn't, you know. So I think you got to find someone that you're on the same level with and you keep mentioning like focusing on more important things. What are those? Because if they're more important to you, then you should be able to focus on them more, right?

Yeah, I mean, I think the problem here is one one i don't think this guy really knows what anything means like monogamous doesn't necessarily mean one person forever you know i mean like monogamous just means that you are in a committed relationship with one person yeah it doesn't mean forever it's not the definition of the word i guess he's thinking marriage right yeah um so like you can understand and like come to terms with the fact that like being in a relationship doesn't mean forever like it's i think i think that might be a part where he's getting trapped in the sense of like if you're in a relationship like you're allowed to grow and change. And if the relationship no longer works, you can move on from it. I think that scares the shit out of him.

And he's using this idea of like, oh, I could get sex. I get cravings for sex. It's like, no, you're probably just getting scared and finding excuse and running away. Yeah. You know what I mean? Because I like to trust someone and to be exclusive with someone is scary. Like it's, you know, there to be exclusive with someone is scary. It's like, it's, it's, you know,

there's really no way to put it. Like, even if you are absolutely comfortable with the person, you love them dearly. There is sort of a vulnerability you have to accept, which is often, you know, beaten out of you in the pickup artist community.

Yeah. So I think there's this huge disconnect of what, what is expected and what is like learned. And I think there's this huge disconnect of what, what is expected and what is like learned. And I think this guy has, has just started realizing that like moving from woman to woman, to woman, to woman strictly for the purposes of sex and seeing women solely as sort of like dick receptacles is not a healthy way to live.

It's not a fulfilling way to live. And I think he's like realizing that his life has mostly been lonely and sort of like unfulfilling in terms of like romantic relationships. Well, the kind of regularity with which he points out that he is living a pickup lifestyle and the amount and like the level to which he is a 37 year old who seems to have no experience with a monogamous relationship both hint to me that this guy probably has no fucking idea what to do in a relationship you know it's like meeting a bunch of people and having sex with them is not at all

anything to do with having a relationship and it's like often the longer you've gone without it the worse you are and the more scared you are and it's like a lot easier to be like damn it's just because of sex that all this is falling apart because that's again this little like pat on the back like look at me having man problems as opposed to focusing the on the fact that like if you haven't had a relationship your entire life if you're asking yourself these questions at 37 yeah you probably just suck at relationships yeah like you're probably just scared and and like again like i said like that is you know i mean the one of the biggest things that you're taught in sort of like pickup artists is like to overcome your your fucking approach anxiety and your fear

you know what i mean so the idea that this guy is now starting to be like i might have fucked up a good portion of my life you know chasing sort of irrelevant shit and now he's like ah but i'm not allowed to feel scared about this it's like you need to unfortunately i think in order to do what you want to do which is you know find someone you care about and commit to them you've got to unlearn you know 37 years of the toxic bullshit that you prioritized for those years yeah um and and how you do that listen to us a little bit you know hopefully make make a few more female friends and listen to them without trying to fuck them yeah do a couple flips front flip side flip back flip you know what i mean um so i think you really need to sort of do like a full life overhaul.

And it might seem counterintuitive, but I think you need to take a hard break on dating. I think what you said earlier about like realizing that not every relationship is forever is really important. Because like if you get in one, it's not like you're not signing away your sexual freedom for the rest of your life. You're not, you know, fucking up. You're not missing out. Like if, if you're willing to be in a relationship with somebody, make sure they're worth it. Make sure you actually like them, that you're not just getting in a relationship to be in a relationship and just like, see where it goes and try to, you know, keep, keep that thought in the back of your head that you're not signing away. You're not making this giant commitment, but at the same time, do make a commitment and, and, you know, put yourself forward fully into these relationships and see how they work out because, you know, that's pretty much the only way to do it is, is and vulnerability right yeah i mean knowing like knowing that it isn't forever because that seems to be the fear here or one of them and also

focusing on these more important things that you want to get out of it like those are the two things you really got to keep in mind to be able to move forward yeah i think it's it's something a lot of people talk about being like even the last question where she was like am i wasting my time being in a relationship that ends it doesn't necessarily mean it was a waste of time no like a relationship can be good and then when it no longer is good hopefully in not a bad way like a terrible way like it just could be the fact that like you guys have run your course together and now it ends and it's like yes it's sad yes it sucks no one wants it but sometimes it happens and but those years that you spend together wasn't a waste of time not at all like you're gonna grow so much as a person you're both going to introduce so many things to each other's lives you know it's

it's such a great thing just spending time with someone that you care about is never a waste of time like how many hours have we spent playing video games it's like well yes have we actually accomplished anything no yes you shot a guy in the butt till he died yeah but but you know what i mean but it's like i spent time with you and that is is what's important is is the time you spend with people because like really at the end of the day when we're fucking dead you don't look back and be like well you know the 18 years i spent with my girlfriend or my wife uh allowed me to accomplish xyz no you look back and you're like you remember the things you did with people um and i think a lot of people get fucking weird about relationships thinking that

like there's a time limit on what you should be accomplishing with people in a relationship and that's not that shouldn't be the goal the goal should be let's be together let's enjoy our time together until if we've reached a point where we don't enjoy it anymore. And then you move on and restart with someone new. And that's not a waste of time. Not at all. That's literally going to build you up. That's it's stupid.

It's like starting your life and being like, oh, I know if I should go to school, I might not like it. I don't know if I should like eat this food. Well, if it's not my favorite food ever, like, well, if I want to eat other food, fuck. It's like if you have a meal and then have a better meal you're not like never should have had that first meal yeah exactly it makes no sense to me it's as simple as that and and like that's a great way to put it but a lot of people being massively reductive women aren't meals and relationships aren't meals you know but like it is also kind of as simple as that. It's like, you're never wasting time spending time with the people you love doing things that you love.

Yeah. Um, and that's sort of like, I think we've sidetracked a little bit from the question, but I think, I think at the core, that fear is what is, is stopping this dude and a lot of people from making meaningful

relationships. Um, so I, hopefully that helped someone out there who's feeling nervous. Cause I think it's something, I don't think we've talked a whole lot about it, but I think it's something that definitely needs to be talked a lot about. So I feel like just throw your hat in the ring and like go into it genuinely

and honestly, but you know, one focus on the important things that you, you mentioned and realize that like it doesn't have to be forever like that that's not a bad thing the fact that it can be forever is great like if you reach a point that things are so well sure and if not it doesn't matter it's it's been fun and you'll meet somebody else yeah all right you ready yep Yeah. All right. You ready? Yep. Was his name STD Tyler? Yes.

I feel like someone who met him submitted this. This is by ThrawRA990. My boyfriend wants me to pay him for his STD treatments. I, 18-year-old female, was a virgin before getting with my boyfriend, 20-year-old male. I should have known better, but I didn't. I had sex with him without a condom when I got on birth control, not thinking about STDs because he told me he was clean and swore he was. I was dumb, believed it when I shouldn't have. I started getting itchy down there, had bumps and told him about it. He made up excuses about how I must be irritated or

scratching it. I left it alone. It hasn't gone away. So I told him I was going to get checked and he was insulted. He said he was clean. I never, and I had nothing to worry about. So if I thought I had an STD, I must be cheating on him. I asked if he ever got tested, which he told me no, but he knows he is clean. I started crying, told him he needs to get checked, so he did. Turns out he had something. I don't want to say, because you all probably know what it is, and it's embarrassing for me. He told me I needed to pay him a certain amount every month for him to go get treated, and blamed it on me cheating for him for this std i never cheated plus now i have to go to the doctor to get my own treatment so i don't understand why he wants me to pay him

every month i don't know even how payment methods of testing stds work yet because i haven't gone in but it seems ridiculous oof i mean obviously this is in the states and like that's just like the states the american health system stresses me out so much. There's so many things I take for granted, like going in for an STD check. Yeah. Like you can literally like pop in and get them done anywhere. You just pop in and they just like sort you out. And like the thought of paying for it is almost like really weird to me.

Yeah. And like, it's super harmful as well because like people probably don't go regularly enough anyway, but you're going to make them fucking pay for it? It's like, well. Yeah, that's off topic. You've got to leave this guy.

It's really that simple. One, you know you didn't cheat on him. If you were also a virgin, you also know that the only person who could have given you this is your boyfriend. Yeah. you also know that the only person who could have given you this is your boyfriend yeah like there's no it would be a little bit more of a gray area if like you guys you were dating and you had slept with you know a few people in recent time and you're like i'm not sure which one gave it to me but if you were a virgin this is the only dude you slept with and you get an std you know it's it's not a fucking whodunit situation you know know what happened. He gave it to you. He lied to you about being clean, whether it was intentional or not.

And now he's trying to gaslight you into thinking that you cheated on him, which you know he didn't. You didn't, yeah. And now he's trying to blackmail you for money? Yeah. There's nothing here that should make you stay even if you did accidentally give it to this guy again like dane said where you'd both been like fucking up with other people and you're not really sure where it came from you're under no like obligation to give this person fucking money at all even if it was proven and it was like kind of a non like you know you

fucked up or you didn't know or whatever like I don't think you're ever really obligated to give someone money so just throw that idea out the fucking window but yeah Dane's 100% right this is manipulation gaslighting on the most positive end of things and he's been lying about it on the way more

negative side of things and it's really fucked up I'm sorry this is how your first situation went because that's terrible but cut this dude off and just no no more contact nothing fuck this dude get your shit sorted out and move on from there make it make a good recovery hopefully it's one of the ones that you can get treated i assume so if you are going for treatment yeah um then you also understand that things are temporary it might suck and make make your skin crawl now but you'll get over it you'll move on no one will know about it and you'll you'll be fine don't let this color your future sexual experiences um, from now on to insist on protection until you're comfortable with a partner.

Um, and you know, realize that like a regular system of testing, isn't a bad idea. If you're going to be sexually active, um, you don't necessarily have to wait until there are symptoms to pop in every now and then,

and you know, just get a test. Cause then you can be absolutely certain like this guy was pretending to be yeah you know what i mean like if he had been tested regularly he could have been like actually babe you know what i'm gonna hold off on sleeping with you gotta get this treated and it's like okay great perfect move on yeah but that requires a level of like not being a shit bag that this person i don't think has oh yeah this guy is like scum of the earth like a test today but he knows he knows all right it's that's frustrating um i'm so like now i said i'm sorry this happened but uh sex is fantastic when

you find the right partners unfortunately this was a bad choice and, uh, and, and move on. Don't let it color your, your future experiences because sex is great. But like sex should be an equal partnership at the very least. So make sure in there in the future, like don't be afraid to have a condom on hand and definitely don't be afraid to insist. And if somebody won't, that's a pretty good idea that you shouldn't fucking sleep with them.

Yeah. Also, if, if for whatever reason you ask someone to get tested like if any of my partners asked me to get tested before i slept with them or you know if even if they were just like hey we should go get tested i would like drop of a hat go and get tested like it it really means nothing because at the end of the day it either affirms you know

peace of mind knowing i'm clean or prevents me from giving something terrible to someone that i supposedly should be caring about like there's no downside to going to get tested no other than you know like it's people's fear of like when something's wrong people don't go to the doctor because they're afraid to find out what it is which is which is wild i don't know like i fucking hate injections i hate getting my blood done i hate needles i'll go get fucking tested it's fine yeah you know it's there are there are things there are parts of being an adult a sexually active adult um that are you required of you and and you have a responsibility to do it um and getting tested regularly is one of them so do it also like can we just point out that the fact that his name is

std tyler also probably just shows the level of like maturity he has a relation i don't know that seems like a wild fucking name right like out there to just attach it to your profile it's like i like how we were like nice and being like oh maybe you're scared of years it's like maybe you're just a immature douche i don't know i know it's when it's coming from seduction it's hard to say yeah but i also don't want to be a dick yeah i again for someone who's trying to you know quote unquote get out of the pickup artist lifestyle i'm i'm willing to give people the benefit of the doubt and be supportive. Fair. This comes from Chaotic Good. Boyfriend

stopped masturbating? I don't know why it's a question. Are they asking us? I don't know. He's my first partner, so I didn't really know how to respond when he told me. I'm taking it as a compliment, but wondering what it means for most guys. I want to emphasize I put no shame on masturbation or using porn to get up when your

partner isn't around he knows i do when i don't see him for a couple days because my sex drive is so high i also didn't ask him because it's personal but when we were talking about sex that's right but we were talking after sex he told me he rarely masturbates or watches porn anymore because our sex is so good and And why should he when he has me? Like, yeah, it's like if you're sexually satisfied, depending on your libido, then yeah, you might be satisfied from getting sexual release with you to the point where he doesn't need to do it by himself. That's totally reasonable.

I also think it's very possible that he maybe just had someone in the past who did shame him for masturbating and he maybe just wanted to volunteer that information so he didn't get in trouble. You know, he's like a preemptive defense, like, oh, just, you know, I think those are two pretty reasonable explanations. I don't think either of them you really need to worry about if you are, in fact shaming him for this behavior so i'm glad you brought those up because yes i agree most likely those are the situations but what concerns me and here's my like my caveat my red flag if you will um i'm worried this is the first step in him sort of shouldn't no i'm worried that it's him sort of asserting dominance on like their sexual activities so him being like well i don't masturbate so i think you should give me a blow job or i don't masturbate so you know what i mean like i'm worried it's going to be like your someone's sexual pleasure should never be 100 percent reliant on someone else.

No, because I think that's a really unhealthy way to manage sexual desire and sexual release. Well, it's fucked up because it's like you might be horny when your partner isn't, which, you know, it's great. If your partner's not horny, you should not be having sex or whatever. You know, you have to do what you don't want to do. And if all of a sudden they're responsible for you. Even when they're not in the mood. That is very fucked up. That's what I'm worried. If she's not particularly in the mood.

But in the back of her mind. She's like. But he doesn't jerk off because of our sex. So if I don't have sex with him. He's going to get blue balls. Or some bullshit. I'm worried that that is sort of a real bad way to start sort of a sexual relationship with someone. Yeah.

I'm hoping that's not the case. But unfortunately, I think we, you know, it's very possible it is. So for the girl in question, I would just point out, like, say that if it is options one and two they're fine like one is is just fine it just means he's satisfied and it's all yeah great and it's probably a compliment too i don't know uh two is shitty that he had an experience like that in the past but doesn't really matter now if you as you said are you know positive and not shaming him for those behaviors so it's like you know not fully positive because it sucks that it happened but it doesn't really matter right now and that's going to be a good thing that he heals from if you are positive about these kinds of things

absolutely three it's like you just need to be aware if there's any kind of that like wheedling like well i know you're not into a butt or like you know if there's any kind of like coercion or guilt or you know any like backdoor logic of like oh you don't want to have sex or jerk me off or give me a blow job but you know and you need to be you know aware of that and ready to act if that happens and just be like well you can masturbate it's fine yeah i think i think that's like that was my big sort of like oh this there could be something worse happening again i hope it is the first two because yeah i mean like imagine being so satisfied with the sex life that you're just like i i have

no desire to masturbate that's great um unfortunately i like i would masturbate every fucking hour if i could um just because like why not right yeah i don't know i was more fun with a partner though yeah absolutely um i think that's another thing it's like if you're getting it regularly enough it's like why you know it's like you don't need to if you could just go have the morphome but so like i get it he could be being genuine yeah and like i really hope it is because there's there's nothing wrong with just being sexually satisfied um but i would also like reaffirm this dude if he's a young guy that like masturbating doesn't necessarily mean that you're not satisfied oh yeah that is one thing i actually did mean to say earlier is that like i did say like oh maybe he's just satisfied but like as you say which i do think is very important to point out if you're listening and your partner does it does not in any way mean

he's not satisfied no not at all um because everyone has different libidos everyone has different habits and you know getting bored is is a very real danger these days, you know? Yeah. And like, it is, it is clinically proven like the, the mental and physical benefits of masturbation.

So like there's, there's no downside to it. Some people do it to unwind. Some people do it, you know, like it's great for your prostate. It's great for your heart. You know what I mean?

Like there's all kinds of benefits to masturbation. Yeah. So it definitely is not a warning sign that your partner is not, you know i mean like they there's all kinds of benefits to masturbation yeah um so it definitely is not a warning sign that your partner is not you know no not at all so i i would i would maybe like i'm assuming you guys are fairly young because they did say it's her first partner um so i would you know just reassure them they'll be like look if you ever want to masturbate that's fine i don't care and it's not going to lead me to believe that you're not satisfied i i know they're not mutually exclusive and she seems to

have a pretty good head on her about masturbation and like positivity about that kind of stuff and i think that's really refreshing um especially from a woman because i think there's a lot of stigma on female masturbation yeah and there's them doing it themselves and on their partners doing it. Yeah. I think there's a lot of weird shit gets pushed on women at a young age about masturbation, like you said, either for them pleasuring themselves or to take offense if their partner's doing it. Yeah. Yeah. And so it's cool to see that you're cool with it.

This is by throw r.a cheeky i'm 23 he's 26 together over a year i have five tattoos my fifth i had the first session for earlier this week it's on my hip towards my ass all my other tattoos are in pretty innocent places two on thigh one on back one on foot my boyfriend isn't really interested in body art and he listens to me talk about what pieces i want but he's not super actively into it like I am. The piece I'm getting was originally planned to be lower on my thigh, but I talked to my artist, and we figured the design flows better on my butt wall. Plus, I think it looks sexy, and I want to do something different and more daring than get another thigh tat.

Anyways, I got home from my first session and showed my boyfriend. He got angry, as was like, why'd you get it there? Did you have to take off your underwear? Who saw you get that? On and on. He asked why I didn't tell him I was going to get it there and how long it took. My arse is a guy and has done two of my other pieces, and he's super professional. I told my BF as much, and it wasn't any different than a doctor seeing your body,

and it's not like I was naked and someone jamming a needle into your flesh is hardly sexy. He says letting another man see him like that and touch me on my ass is cheating though i should have asked him or taken him with me even though the shop only lets him one person at a time right now being hard-headed and it's really frustrating i don't think what i did should count as cheating but i don't know how to make him feel better especially as i have at least two more sessions before it's done and this is by the questions my boyfriend says i cheat on him by getting a tattoo on my butt. This hurts my head so much that like, how do we live? How's it 2020?

And people still think this shit. Yeah. No, getting a tattoo anywhere is not cheating. You could have got a tattoo on your vagina and it would not have been cheating unless while he was tattooing you he was also having sex with you which seems dangerous and inappropriate yeah which i don't know anyone who'd be like hey you know what i want to be doing vigorous motion well with this crazy dangerous needle yeah Yeah. Near very sensitive areas. Yeah.

No, it's in a pandemic. I, Oh God. No. Having a tattoo. He's 26. Yeah.

I mean like this is, if this isn't a red flag to what he thinks of your body, um, and what he thinks of your relationship, what he thinks of your relationship. Like at what point in time do you need his permission and accompaniment to get a tattoo? Yeah. Like he does not own you.

What's the difference between him standing there while someone sees your butt and him not being there when someone sees your butt, like his presence makes it okay. Like, does he not trust you? Like what? Like none of that makes sense. Does he need to witness it?

Like, is he like a fucking, uh, no, you're not. He's like, I am here. And it was not cheating.

Thank you very much. Yeah, no. And like the other thing that like this guy seems to be absolutely clueless with is like, if this artist was doing creepy shit to his female clientele he wouldn't have a fucking job hopefully but like female clients wouldn't go back to him if she's gone to this dude several times you like he's legit yeah um

i know i know a couple of friends, you know, women friends who have a bunch of tattoos and they've actually like, it's not, it's not like a haircut. It's not like you just walk into a place and like tattoo, please. Yeah. A lot of people do a bunch of fucking research and have meetings with the

artists and like they find someone who fits their vibe. Yeah. It's like, it's a whole fucking process. It's the whole fucking process it's the whole reason why i haven't gotten a tattoo yet is because i haven't i it's just so daunting the undertaking in order to find an artist that you you want to work with and like also i think feel like people put in x amount of work anyway like a baseline but it only kind of increases and

gets more serious the more you get as well you know yeah like it's not like you're you know maybe the first one was a little haphazard but like it especially the fact that she says the words buddy art i'm pretty sure this person is into tattoos in the way that neither me or you are you know at that level in any sense so it's like she knows her shit if she knows her shit she's gone to a good artist and either way like she's telling you it was fine so you need to trust your girlfriend i don't know this is just like painful amounts of jealousy like yeah if you can't handle your your girlfriend going to get a tattoo then like presumably you're not gonna be able to handle her if she goes to the beach yeah like god forbid what the fuck happens when like she's probably wearing the exact same

amount of clothing if not less at the beach you know what i mean are you gonna have a is she cheating every time she goes swimming yeah like what why where's your metric what if she goes for a massage goes to a spa do you have to go and like stand sweatily in the corner when she's in the sauna to make sure she's not cheating because someone's looking at her. It's because like all I'm picturing now is this guy just like fully clothed like standing

in it like sitting in a jacuzzi and like standing in the corner of a sauna just like always in his like fucking you know sweater vest. I could just see him like dressed up like a bouncer like arms folded like sunglasses on even though it's like you know sweater vest i could just see him like dressed up like a bouncer like arms folded like sunglasses on even though it's like you know um but also with like a really official looking stamp that says not cheating so after everything just like stamps a piece of paper and hands it

um have you ever heard the song the next contestant by nickelback i don know. It's probably one of the most toxic and miserable songs ever. It's basically about a guy whose girlfriend, or I guess Chad Kroger singing as a guy whose girlfriend works in a bar. And he's literally just like, fuck, I hate it when she goes to work

because people hit on her. So I have to follow her to work and sit at the bar and attack everyone who does it, including women. Hell yeah. It's the wildest song and it only gets worse every time you hear it. And I'm assuming that this is that person. No, I don't want to.

You know, it's 2020. It's the same thing. Amanda sits at my bar and like. Violently assault. Like a honey badger just fucking she's just like crawls along the top of the bar and if you try to get a drink good good fucking luck man she's a biter um yeah so when i was oh fuck this was probably like eight years ago maybe longer uh so my ex got a nipple piercing like a surprise nipple piercing once and i remember being like wait a minute a guy like

because i think they had to like you know squeeze the nipple get a little ice cube out to make it like you know as erect as possible and i remember briefly being like, what the fuck? A guy like touched your boob and being like jealous and like weird. And then being like, this is dumb. I need to get over it and getting over it very swiftly. You know? Yeah. Also, it's the least sexual thing. Yeah, I know, right?

Unless this sick freak, that's what he got into the tattoo business. No, like by all means, have that irrational moment. But like, it's what you do with it that counts and what you do with it is get the fuck over it and think about it rationally you don't act like a lunatic yeah i mean it's hard for me to like empathize with these people because like my girlfriend is a burlesque performer you know what i mean like imagine if like i rolled this way well that's the thing like literally my head would explode well that's the thing it's like you it's so much less fair for you right because this guy he has to go beat up

and then stamp one tattoo guy right and like he's distracted he's tattooing your girlfriend's butt you can clock him pretty good you have to fight like a whole room of people a whole goddamn bar on horny energy. Half of them have like, they're just driven crazy by the pheromones in the air. If you remember, a couple of minutes ago, I did say I would masturbate every hour.

And the only reason I don't is so that I can... You have to beat up bars. I can, yeah. I can channel my own horny energy to fight all these horny bar men. And women. I don't discriminate.

Everyone gets beat up. Good. Just like Nickelback. If there's anything it is to take away from this episode, I know we've talked all about a lot is just be more like Chad Kroger. Do you want me to read out some lyrics from this song? I would wish that you wouldn't. Let's just do the first six, six lines.

I judge by what she's wearing, just how many heads I'm tearing off of assholes coming onto her. Each night it seems like it's getting worse. I wish she'd take the night off so I don't have to fight off every asshole coming onto her. Nice. The chorus is just, is that your hand on my girlfriend is that your hand i wish i wish you'd do it again i'll watch you leave here limping

this poor woman's just trying to make some fucking money i even fear the ladies they're cool but twice as crazy just as bad for coming on to her everyone keeps coming out to her. This time somebody's getting hurt. Chad, what are you doing? It's not cool. Avlovin can fucking go bartend if she wants to. She's probably married to you at this point. Alright, let's end this before we get mean to more of Canadian

sweethearts. Oh yeah, damn it. Alright, you ready for some Tinder red flags? Yeah. Oh, where do i start okay i'll just start left to right again valorant agent valorant heart is a fucking non-stop champ and has given us some choice cuts so this is a person i can only hope her name is nyla because i feel like this is just you with a wig it's me with a wig just looking to blow off some steam on a break from my boyfriend for a month. Okay.

It's weird that they know it's a month. Hey, maybe it's just one of those things. I had, I had friends who were, who are Polly, who would be like, we're going to open for three months.

Fair. As long as it's a healthy and consensual one month break. I don't necessarily think I like, especially if you're just looking to hook up, this is great. You know, you don't have to worry about anything hey there's some honesty there's some powerful honesty going on whether or not it's got a sinister root i i appreciate it i'm giving it a seven yeah i yeah sure uh how about our good friend bev here i'm a fun girl uh-huh ha ha ha no bev no please is it weird like i imagine this i know she's not but i imagine this woman to be much older than she probably is because the only beverly uh or bev

that i've ever known was a very old very sassy woman was she a fun girl uh-huh huh huh huh like who decided that was the appropriate thing to type out yeah especially with that that parsing i don't like that at all no okay be less fun bev please uh what would you what do you rate that i i have a hard time with numbers i just want to say yes or no well that's less boring less fun ah yeah i know less boring it's less fun okay fine i'm gonna say three okay yeah that see that works okay now this is going to be a journey because this person doesn't have any like space like it's missing a lot of spaces and punctuation is just kind of thrown in with no regard for what punctuation is. Okay.

Which is ironic because the first two things it says are you colon intelligence period, but then they spelt out period and then put what isn't a period after it. There's no spaces between any of those words. Smart is sexy manners, but of course no spaces. Sense of humor is a must in like one word. A M U S T, which I,

I really like actually everything else is painful, but I must as one word. I love it. That is, that is nice. That seems like old English, right? Like something's a foot.

This is a must me. And then they have a wild amount of random flags one of which is i think a golf flag um a briefcase oh no no is it like a stick with a white flag no stick with a red flag uh well she's letting everyone know right off the bat what oh red flag yeah well that's the thing it's like european flag canadian flag arrow, Algerian flag, house, six, Canadian flag, red golf flag, pointing finger, university degree hat, English flag, German flag, and then like 19 more fucking flags with a briefcase in the middle. I don't understand that. I swipe on beats. What does that mean?

I like to look dangerously like that. I like to make myself laugh, getting ready to go back to Canada, but COVID-19 got me stuck in. Really just looking for an excuse to go back to Asia. Hashtag identity crisis. Hashtag no roots. Hashtag what's my age again. Hashtag no dumbasses.

Hashtag be nice. Hashtag no EIG. In my mind, I'm a government. I'm in government T dot hashtag lost in time you got 48 hours to message or x sorry cool cool cool cool and they work for a nice company in a big building i mean get to know she has a good job yeah i there was something in there that you said that upset me and i don't remember what it was there's so much i don't want to go back yeah no don't i don't ever want to hear any of that again it hurt me to read i'm giving it a zero maria pasta enthusiast connoisseur of all things sweet won't pull a kanye will always let

you finish first huh do i always want to finish first no i mean that's the like i feel like that's a weird thing for a woman to say right it's It's like, did you miss the point of, of that in reality? Yeah. Cause like, I don't think most women have the problem with men not finishing. Yeah. Yeah. And also it's like, if a woman finishes first nine out of 10 or, or even higher, they're, they're good to keep going, you you know maybe achieve a second or third or

you know whatever where's like if a guy it's like well it's asleep i'm giving it a five yeah because like i don't hate it but it's a little confusing yeah it's like did they try to make a joke without think i don't know this is tamlin her and three emojis is a lipstick, the drama masks, and a bagel. Okay. We might be compatible if you are drug-free, including cannabis, piercing-slash-tattoo-free, cat-free, looking for someone beyond a casual encounter, and are

Jewish, and then in brackets, or Jew-ish. Bracket. Is it bad that I assumed that when she put the bagel, she meant she was jewish um yes i figured that was a that was her telling us um i hate this because of the cat thing i knew you would zero yeah move on get out of here so this is great this one has powerful energy the next two actually have powerful energy uh this person's profile picture is a box of text that says,

if you want to DM me, please act like we're already friends and be chaotic, because I physically cannot, in capitals, keep hey-how-are-you conversations, dot dot. This is Sophia. My kink is being loved and cherished forever. Kitten smitten. Coffee enthusiast. Netflix binge watcher. Introverted extrovert.

And then, the tour de force only message me if you have a ride slash place to hang out heart you know see i'm gonna go the opposite direction she did say she was kitten smitten so 10 i'm a simple man now i'm a simple man but can you act like you're already friends and be chaotic and also why would she need a ride slash place to hang out if she isn't like 15 because she probably lives at home yeah i don't know i'm giving that a zero and now for the finale this is no way always sus but rarely the imposter yeah i know a few people like that that's gonna be a 10 for me that's a 10 thank you very much for joining us this week. It's always a pleasure. If you're in America,

thank you for visiting this week. I just have a text-to-speech. I write it out ahead of time and I just let it go. That would explain a lot of our wandering conversations. If you're in the States, please be safe and follow the voting rules

and make sure your vote counts, uh, because it is a very important election and we care about you and we want to come see you soon. And also vote for the right person, not the devil. Yeah. Okay. But, uh, thank you very much for joining us. And it means a lot to us that you, you take an hour out of your, your busy, busy days to spend with us.

Um, so thank you very much. If you want to reach out and either chat with us or ask us a question, you can find us at facebook.com slash fckbuddiespodcast. You can find us on Twitter at fck underscore buddies. You can find us on Instagram if you want. We've got some Instagram activity recently

at fuckbuddiespodcast. You can also reach out on the emails at F buddies podcast at gmail.com, or you can visit us online at F buddies podcast.com or plenty of beef.ca. And you can fill a little contact form and we get an email. You could choose your agent name and we'll answer your questions. Yeah. We have so many ways to contact us. Bonus points.

If you use all of them, do you have some bad sex writing for us? Yeah. We have so many ways to contact us. Bonus points if you use all of them. Do you have some bad sex writing for us? Yeah, it's going to be brief, which is probably good, because it's been going on. But thank you, Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities for their song, Paper Stars. And I'm pretty sure this was most recently

made into a movie, right? The Devil All the Time? Yes. So this is from the book of that, I guess, by Donald Ray Pollock. Then ain't none of your business what's in my head, she told him. Her chin was sharp as a hatchet, her eyes like lusterless gray marbles. Her only redeeming feature was the thing between her legs, which some had said reminded them of a snapping turtle.

Oh, boy. oh boy if if someone told me the only good thing about that woman is her vagina and then was like what would you compare it to and then said snapping turtle i would be like okay so this woman's just garbage all around yeah like how like how is that any way redeeming? That's also probably one of the most horrific things I could think of putting my penis anywhere near. Yeah. Like have you seen the head of a snapping turtle? It doesn't even matter.

Just like remove the turtle from the equation. If someone just put the word snapping and will you put your dick inside of it? No, no, I don't want my dick near anything with the verb of snapping. Well, what if it's just like,

Oh man, that pussy snapping, right? I don't want that either. Oh, that pussy is fucking popping. It's popping. It's crackling.

It's snapping. It's the weirdest rice crispy ad. We's popping. It's crackling. It's snapping. It's the weirdest Rice Krispie ad. We're going to go out on that. Thank you very much. My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Al Spoon. And we have been your fuck buddies.