F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 109 - Slurpin' Lady Soup

Episode Date: November 2, 2020

Welcome to this week's episode, if you'll give us a moment, we just have to finish half-heartedly deepthroating this dildo.  Topics include PS5 sadness, an abusive song, unexpected dildo desires, reverting to your original stink, neighbourly sex crimes, dealing with a broken condom.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And my name is Niall Spain. And we are your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations.

Simply put, we find questions either online or from our dear listeners and we answer them for you. Although last week, I don't know if we just like told anyone what the podcast was because we were too busy in the trenches. Yeah, no, we went immediately in the trenches. The first casualty to the war on boys was our intro. Was busy in the trenches. Yeah, no, we went immediately in the trenches. The first casualty to the war on boys was our intro. Was our intro, yeah. Have you seen this Borat movie everyone's talking about? I did watch it. Did you?

Nope, so don't say anything about it. No spoilers, please. Why'd you bring it up then? I don't know. Well, I had things to say, but... Spoilers. Did you see what the pope said is that gay people are real people he says he supports laws for same-sex unions yeah hell yeah i know it's cool it's almost like they're they're joining the fucking you know future the? The present? Yeah.

I mean, it's pretty fucked when the Vatican is more progressive than the United States of America. The fucking world is more progressive than everything. Like, America is just, ugh, it's a garbage fire. I'm sorry to the American listeners. You're not a garbage fire. Hopefully. But, god damn, your country's doing some weird ass shit ass shit anyway we're not here to talk about the bad things we're talking about the sexy things i mean we're probably gonna talk about a little bit of bad things but hopefully we can

we can flip it flip it down and reverse it here's a bad foul okay have you like is it just an irish thing because i've seen a lot of these memes kind of going around i don't know if it's just from people back home chasing pots of gold uh well this has been our podcast and uh i'm gonna go burn dane's house down memes where it's like you know uh me and whatever like trying to get away with like buying a playstation or me trying to hide from the misses so i can buy a playstation or like you know me trying to convince the girlfriend so i can and it's all these people who like once playstation 5 was announced were like fuck it's going to cause all these problems in my relationship if i want to get this and it made me really sad have you seen stuff like that i don't i think i saw one but i didn't watch it like i was just scrolling by it was like one of the videos subtitles and i didn't i didn't watch

it because i didn't care yeah there's just so many like like and i mean like a lot like so many it's the point that like i'm bringing it up because there's dozens of just like people who are i guess worried that they won't be able to do a thing that they like in their relationship and that's really fucked up yeah i mean like i remember i remember having a huge argument with one of my exes about there's either an xbox or playstation one of the i bought one of my exes about there's either an Xbox or PlayStation. One of the I bought one of the systems and sort of did it on the sneaky. And it was like this huge fucking fight when there was no reason it should have been. Yeah, well, that's the thing.

It's like, look, if you guys don't have enough money to survive and you go and you spend it on a PlayStation. Yes, that's an issue. But it's not an issue because you got a PlayStation. It's an issue because you're fucking over your partner's financials. And if that's not the case, then there's absolutely no reason why you shouldn't get a PlayStation.

Unless you critically need that money to survive, or even on a less critical level it could be used in something that you guys quite need. Unless you're struggling, it's know what i mean unless you're struggling it's fine and even if you're struggling sometimes you know if you can save up money it's like it's something will bring you happiness and shit like i don't know this whole weird like it just made me

really sad seeing that i'm like that's not the sign of a fucking healthy relationship it always blows my mind when people like let's say that the playstation 5 is going to be like 500 i don't know how much it is but let's say that yeah i'm like most people roughly on like a proper night out are going to spend like a you know 100 bucks you know what i mean like if you're going out for dinner and then like drinking afterwards oh god you're going for dinner pretty average night out so it's like it makes me so confused that like no one bats an eye if you're gonna fucking drink a hundred dollars which literally it doesn't do anything for you you know I mean like there's no return on

that investment other than maybe feeling like shit the next day well you can have a good night but yeah it's very brief it's a flash in the pan and like yeah you know but then like when someone's like oh I'm gonna spend you know X amount of money on a video game or

you know a PlayStation or a playstation or a new tv or or whatever a new computer whatever people could like lose their fucking minds i'm like this is something that like they're going to use presumably for a very long extended period of time but everyone loses their mind over something that's like you know only five times more than one night out. Yeah. And you get so much more out of it as well. Because as you say, like you use it for years and like the time you're spent playing a PlayStation is time you're not spending money. Like you're staying in and you're like, you know, you're saving money technically.

Yeah. It's like, you know, playing games while you're in. Yeah. It's just really weird. And also it's like, i'm sure in these relationships the person on the other side of this argument probably buys something for themselves you know what i mean so it's like i hope they're not being shamed for getting makeup or clothes or you know going to shoes or whatever yeah yeah or or whatever they're like maybe they like knitting you know

and knitting's their thing or maybe they're a kickboxer and they go to kickboxing classes like there's there's always something right like people should be allowed to explore their passions and fucking relationship anyway i just i saw that made me really sad i'm sorry it made you sad thank you so this is by throw a singing i got into a i 23 year old got into a fight with my partner sam 38 it was a stupid fight and I was trying to get over it Sam and I made food mostly him because I was sore from work when I started eating he said I was eating too fast and I need to slow down I did slow down but I felt gross so I didn't eat more than a few bites after that he got mad at me said it was a joke but wouldn't continue eating without me I took another bite to appease him and he finished off the food I

decided to put mine up for later but he was mad I didn't finish. I just said I wasn't hungry, but it turned into a big fight. I say I didn't want to talk about it anymore, but he didn't want to discontinue the conversation, so I just decided to go to bed early. Sam continued through the door, but I didn't respond. I finally fell asleep for a bit and woke up hearing him singing a song about how much he hates me. Some of the lyrics are, I fucking hate you over and over, as well as,

I want to see how bad your parents treat you when you move back in with them, among other things. Thing is, he knows my parents mistreat me, so it really hurt me, but I didn't come out to confront him. I'm not sure what I should do. If I should tell him I heard the song.

I don't know if it's just a silly song or if it's true. Any advice? And this is by Partner Sings a Song. Partner Sings Songs About Hating Me After Fight. Like,, and this is by partner sings a song partner sings songs about hating me after fight. I like, I know this is a visual medium, but I hope that you heard my jaw drop with that big reveal.

Fuck me, man. Why are people so terrible? I like, I was like, I started this off being like, we're not going to talk about terrible things. We always talk about terrible things.

I know this is doing a rendition of this song uh yeah what are the lyrics again uh the ones we've been given and feel free to throw stuff in are i fucking hate you yeah over and over as well as i want to see how bad your parents treat you when you move back in with them uh i'm pretty sure this is just that puddle of mud song yeah i fucking hate you na na na i want to see how bad your parents treat you when you move back in with them later la la la i can't imagine that's a very good song like that's that's a wordy verse it is very wordy you know what i mean i feel like can we okay let's switch this question because uh the answer is break up with this ass always a terrible being yeah let's let's workshop this song okay um no the thing is the thing is he seems to be workshopping while she was asleep so maybe he

didn't mean for her to hear it and he was practicing for what i can only assume is like a musical moment you know maybe he lives in an alternate high school musical life where like he's just prepping for the the moment they break up and he can be like i fucking hate you and then like the 18 people he's hired like dance him with like black umbrellas and start to spin it it's like oh i fucking hate you i want to see how bad your parents treat you when you move back in with them and there's like, oh, I fucking hate you. I want to see how bad your parents treat you when you move back in with them. And there's like, and they all front flip. And like, she's just like, it was pretty mean, actually.

It's like he's the bully, I think, in the high school musical. Yeah. The walls of the house get pulled off and they're on like a soundstage. One, like, I don't know what your relationship with food is. Like, I'd like a little bit more information on that that whole thing was a bit of a mind fuck right like if you are overweight or have food insecurity issues or you know like if there's something else at play there then i could understand how this would be very strange but if this is the first time

this dude has said anything about you in regards to how fast you eat. Like it seems strange to me. So I feel like there might be an overarching problem with her relationship with food. And this guy is then, you know, manipulating her or abusing that, you know,

shitty dynamic that she has. You know what? I went down into the comments to see if I could find any details on the food and we're assholes because we assumed she was a girl but it's a guy both guys oh okay like i would like to know his relationship with food yeah i mean the thing it's like it seemed obviously you felt fine with the food if you were eating quickly right like if you're shoveling food in your mouth that's i doubt you weren't feeling good or not hungry or whatever so yeah from that

to because you were told to slow down feeling gross not eating feeling ill and then having this whole bite like fight about the food seems really strange so like i wonder if it was like calling up like previous insecurities about weight or something right yeah like that that for me like for a fight for something that sort of miniscule like i'm a very fast eater and there are times where people will tell me to slow down and it's like i i'm a conscious i'm consciously aware of how fast i eat but it's just you know that's just who i am um so i don't and i've never like you know about it. Um, but I would understand that like, if there is like a weight insecurity issue or,

you know, that sort of like, you know, precedent and someone telling you to slow down, there might be, it could be construed as someone being like, Hey, slow down,

Betty, that like that kind of malice. So if that's the case and he knows that, and your partner is like weaponizing your eating speed or habits to make you feel like shit already like bad news. Even even if that's not the case, it seems really strange that they're trying to control you down to that level where it's like you're eating too quickly. Then they wouldn't eat without you. So you had to eat even though you didn't want like everything seems to be going to the beat of their drum you know and that's kind of fucked up anyway even if it's not hearkening back to some deep insecurity you have it's like you can't even eat without it being an issue right and it has to be

the way they do it and that's not the sign of a healthy relationship even before all the high school musical shit starts yeah i mean like also alternatively like we're getting this through the lens of of the question asker so it's like it could have been something of like maybe they were like fucking shoveling that food and the and the partner was like hey man like slow down i literally eat so fast so i have no i don't have any time for anyone telling me to slow down fuck that shit i'm hungry um and then maybe like they realize that like oh oops like you're upset and be like, you know,

look, you know, I'm going to stop eating if you don't keep eating, like, please keep eating. So like, I could see it like not being that big of a thing. And then it spiraling maybe one way or the other,

you know what I mean? It's like, it's hard to say because we're getting one side of the thing. True. But it's also hard to put my, put like to cast a Sam here in a good light when he then starts to sing i fucking hate you through the wall that's i want to see how your parents mistreat you which actually gets worse i think when you find out that they're in a gay relationship

because like bad parental treatment is so much more prevalent for people after they've come out than you know 100 people right So that like that for me, like, it doesn't really matter how like the dinner really plays out. Like no matter how that all shook out, if you're trying to have like a conversation or like a fight breaks out and you're like, look,

I don't want to talk about this anymore. And then you, you know, go to bed and then your partner continues to berate you through a closed door. Like all those things are warning signs of someone like something needs to happen. Like there needs to be a better line of communication here. And whether it's, you know, an actual argument was breaking out or an actual, you know, incident has has happened and you refuse to communicate any further which can be problematic in its own right um but like this dude obviously does not know how to communicate and and like

to like you said like to bring up past trauma and to bring up past abuse in presumably a joking way like no one sings or at the very least they're doing it in a way that they could claim they're joking even though obviously it's to hurt you i don't understand how you can continue to be with someone who takes your pain so like frivolous frivolously gotta get out one if you want to make this relationship work you need to sit down and be like hey we need to talk about what happened last night and this might be difficult for you because i do get strong sort of like you don't want conflict um you might have to sort of like meet that head on and be ready for conflict and be ready to like stand your ground you know what i mean so like sort out what you need to talk about prior to have notes if you need them and be like let's talk this

out because last night was a fucking nightmare and you crossed some lines and i need to make sure you're not going to do it again and and hash it if you want to. I think I'm on Niall's side here and saying bail. I can't imagine that conversation is going to go well. Like, I feel like this person's already shown their hand and like, no one's going to change on a fucking dime like that the next day and be like, oh, you're right. I'm not abusive anymore. But you know what? Give it a shot. Alternatively, just make sure you have an even better song when he finally makes his, right? You know, he starts to whip it out. You hear that beat.

He says that first line and then you cut over him with an even better song. Or have like a real, real killer rap verse. Yeah. This comes from Reddit user. It's just a throwaway account. Confused but kind of turned on by his actions. Hell yeah. So this is a 28-year female and a 26 year old male.

My husband is so kind and I absolutely love him. He always makes sure I'm taken care of, especially in the bedroom. Recently he bought me a dildo for me to use when he's not available. Last night he brought the dildo out during oral sex and fucked me with it while playing with my clit with his tongue. He's always been pretty spontaneous. I was getting really wet and he pulled the dildo out and sucked on it a few seconds he made eye contact while doing it and moaned a little saying fuck you taste amazing before going back to town on my vagina it caught me off guard but it turned out or but it turned me on in a weird way i know he's not gay and i know sucking a dildo isn't

necessarily a gay thing but it still felt a little weird seeing him do it i almost want to get off watching him sucking and deep throwing my dildo for a good five, six minutes after using it on myself. Am I alone and think that would be erotic to watch him suck and swirl his tongue around my dildo that's been in me? How would I bring that up to him? I think the key point here or what one of the things that seems to really turn them on that they're not really focusing on is the taste of them. And, you know, I mean, she says, like, the dildo itself isn't necessarily a thing she thought of. But it's like the fact that he really likes how she tastes. And I think that's very understandable in terms of being arousing and being like affirming and like sexual. sexual yeah it it's kind of a strange thing because like i don't think this dude pulled

the dildo and was like i need to get my mouth on this dildo right now i think he was excited to it's like if you get chocolate on your finger and you lick it off you're not like fuck yeah i can't wait to get this finger in my mouth it's like no you you want the chocolate sauce like that's like the finger is just the vehicle in which the sauce gets to your mouth. When you're eating soup, you're not sucking on the spoon to taste metal. Right. The spoon isn't the point. The point is the soup.

Right. He just wants your hot soup all up in his mouth. He just wants your lady soup. Lady soup. He just wants to slurp that lady soup. And you know what? I get it. As much as I think that is really what's going on here, at least on his end.

Her having an interest in watching him suck on that dildo is a valid fetish, I guess, or like something that she would like to see. In terms of bringing it up with your partner, he seems pretty fucking cool. He seems cool. He seems chill. I will say there is a world of difference between sucking on something like you know for a second or two and five or six minutes that's a long time especially and like deep throating it too like that's an aggressive thing to do for someone who doesn't presumably suck a lot of dick yeah um so i i don't think there's any harm in being like hey i thought it was really sexy when you sucked on the dildo. Would you be interested in doing that a little bit more for me?

And like, you know, make sure he knows that like he's very obviously willing to say no, like he's allowed to say no and you won't be upset about it. But if you know, if he's willing to experiment with you or, you know, willing to try something new to appease you, you know, to try something new to appease you you know it's it's win-win you know i mean like he knows that you like something and he has the option to to follow through if he wants yeah i do think maybe one thing to keep in mind is like explaining why it turns you on so much which you kind of alluded to here which is like it's my dildo he's tasting me all these things just so that maybe he doesn't think that

you are trying to imagine him sucking off another guy or something, which again, if you want, if that's what you're into, by all means, let him know. And you know, he might not care,

but once you guys are on the same page and two, so that his fragile male mask, like masculinity doesn't come into conflict here. Right. Cause if, if he gets the wrong idea, that's never going to be good for you guys. Yeah. his fragile male masculinity doesn't come into conflict here, right? Because if he gets the wrong idea, it's never going to be good for you guys. Yeah. Although I have confidence in a dude

who's willing to bust out a dildo during oral sex. No, again, this person seems great, but I think as a general rule, even if it was the other way around and it was like you want to, I would say to make sure that they know that's what you want to get out of it. And not just that they want to do a hundred percent. Everyone's on the same page.

Cause like, if it's not what you want and he starts like sucking this cock and he's like, Hmm, Greg. And you're like, Oh man, it's going to be about me. And that Greg's fucking stealing my thunder.

You know? Yeah. You, you, yeah, you definitely need to sort of like hash out, like really describe in detail like what this situation would look like for you and what you would want out of it why you'd want it uh and then you know make sure again make sure he knows that like he's allowed

to say no to this because if this guy is all about people pleasing and all about like pleasing you he might be like yeah for sure i'll do it just to make you happy yeah and you don't want that let me tell you i don't think there's anything that would turn you on faster than a dude awkwardly sucking off your dildo yeah just sadly like just like half-heartedly giving it a go because like there is nothing almost more depressing than a half-hearted blow job you're getting i don't even want to know how depressing it is to watch someone give a half-hearted blowjob to like an inanimate cock yeah from a distance you know i mean he's like oh yeah i could be an expert unenthusiastic fumbling dildo suck no yeah no i think that would ruin sex in all regards for you yeah but yeah i think it's an easy one give it a go i'd just be

open be honest but like it sounds like a good person who's uh able to be you know to shake it up a little bit so let's go for it you ready uh-huh my 29 year old female husband 30 year old male wants me to go a week without showering as he claims my natural smell is a turn on for him i don't know how to feel about it what should i I do? I love my husband a lot. I really tried to do just about anything for him. This includes in the bedroom and in normal life. I'd say we have a pretty strong sexual chemistry. There's never been a problem in the bedroom. He's probably more open to trying things than me, but I'll usually try and go along with some things to make him happy. Other day, we were having a discussion about what we can do to spice up our sex life. I told him some new things I would like and let him know that it was his turn

to tell me something. He said he thinks it'd be hot if I went a whole week without showering or using deodorant. I gave him a weird look because I was confused and didn't understand how it was sexual and I asked him to explain more. He told me he thinks it's sexy when I'm sweaty and have a smell to me. He said it makes him want to jump on me immediately. He said not showering for that long would make me smell more and he would love it. I didn't completely understand it but want to try so I can make him happy. He explained it's a primal thing, and it makes him feel dirty, which he loves. I told him I didn't know how I feel about it.

I usually like to be pretty clean, wear a decent amount of perfume. I feel like this could lower my self-confidence, and could possibly be gross. I do work from home at the moment, though, and we don't really go out much, so if I was going to do it, it would be the best time to. I told him I'll think about it and let him know this weekend. Still haven't been able to make my mind up if it would be a good idea or not, so Reddit, what going to do it it would be the best time to i told him i'll think about it let him know this weekend still haven't been able to make my mind up it would be a good idea or not so red it what should i do is this a bad idea could it be a good thing is there a chance i'll get more comfortable with it boom go for it tain um i like i get it i'm actually sort of in the same boat as this dude i if my partner like specific partners tend to have uh you know a musk to them

like i that kind of turns me on sometimes um i i get it um but it is sort of at the detriment of your partner's cleanliness you know what i mean and like sometimes it's just one of those things where it's like it's an early morning and you haven't showered yet or you know whatever like that's fine yeah but to to manufacture that uh you need to make sure your partner is 100 on board and it doesn't sound like she is um so i think there are concessions here i don't think not showering is the option to go with because like if if she's anything like me i feel absolutely lost if i don't have like a shower in the morning i can go like maybe a day if i know i'm gonna like just chill at home and not do anything

but for the most part it's like i need a morning shower to like really wake myself up and function so i think you know if you guys are going to hang around the house and if you're working from home, I think maybe, you know, not wearing deodorant for a day could appease this, you know, desire for your natural smell. But I don't think if you don't want to stop showering, I think that's a very, very fair and reasonable thing not to give up. Yeah, I the one thing I don't like about this question is that she's asking reddit should i do it is it a bad idea like is there a chance i'll get more comfortable

and it's like that's not something somebody else can answer that's yeah something you need to answer you know what i mean because like really it's like hopefully your partner is a good partner because it seems like you guys are open to talk about sex and suggest things and whatever. And it's like, you need to do what you want to do. You know what I mean? If you want to do it, do it. If you don't want to do it, don't do it. Um, and that's kind of the most important thing. And it kind of makes me sad that like, it seems like this person is looking for an external influence. Um, because again, if you end up doing something you don't want to do nothing's going to be less of a turn on however you mentioned having concessions

and i think there are really easy ones to do with this it's like you could wear uh like certain clothes to the gym for example and just put them back on again before you guys fuck and And then you're going to have that musk, but you don't need to be filthy all week. You know what I mean? Like your clothes are going to smell like you, right? And that's a very easy way to do it. Like you could wear the same t-shirt all week in bed, you know what I mean? And then like, it'll have a certain smell to it by the end of it. And then you don't have to be dirty day to day. You can just briefly dip into wearing something that, yeah, again, might not be comfortable,

but would be a lot more comfortable, I think, than being filthy all week. You know, like if you want to try playing with that, that would be a pretty easy sidestep, I think. Yeah, I think it's really important to be like, you know, if you're going to agree with it or give this a go, you need to start to be like,

here are the things I'm not crazy about and list them off, you know what I mean? And let them know that and be like, I don't want to give up showering for a week because I, that grosses me out. And that's, I think that is a very, very fair thing to say. And I would hope that any partner would be like, I understand like, okay, that's cool. He's like, you know what I mean? Like, cause this guy might be talking in extremes. He might be like, you know what I mean? He's like, well like well i love your smell so much let's not shower for a week and like you can talk and walk him back from that yeah you know what i mean because like if you were like hell yeah let's do it then he's he's got what he's asking for you know what i mean whereas like i i would hope that he you

could you know what i mean like i either like not wear deodorant for a day or or something or you know have a specific point in the day where you're not freshening up. Or like you said, like wear clothes that, that will exude that smell there. There's all kinds of different ways that you can make this work and still maintain a level of cleanliness that makes you feel comfortable. Yeah.

Because like, I don't know if it was me, I think it would very quickly start to affect my life. Aside from that, like, I don't like feeling grimy or dirty or like sweaty or sticky. You know what I mean? No, no one does. Even if I was just like sitting down and like reading, I would feel uncomfortable. And especially like at night, like during the summer, it's like I hate nothing worse than like going to bed and being like, fuck, I'm like gross.

Like, it's so fucking warm. It's like there's nothing better than just showering and going to bed and being like, fuck, I'm like gross. Like it's so fucking warm. It's like, there's nothing better than just showering and going to bed and feeling like fresh. So like if it starts to affect your sleep or whatever, you're also not going to feel sexy when it comes down to it. So, you know, I think it's totally understandable to not be super into it. But again, it's like, it all matters to you. You could say no, you could say yes, you could try to get the sidestep. But what you really need to do is kind of follow what you're into because a good partner will want that and accept that. Yeah, I think it's also important to be like, I'm willing to try this because of the circumstances in which our lives are right now where we're not going out much and I'm not going to work. Like, make sure he doesn't get his hopes up or be under the expectation that like this will become the new thing.

You know what I mean? Because I think you can be like, I'm willing to try this because we're more or less like locked at home and I'm not going out in the world. Like when when real life resumes, I will be showering and presenting myself to the world as I want to. You're not not, you know, however you want to sexualize and fetishize me. I think that is a very important thing to, to sort of like put on the table right away because it would suck. Again, I'm hoping these guys are cool. They seem cool,

but it would suck to like, you know, do this and, you know, find out what works for both of you get on board with it. And then, you know, when when when work starts up again he gets all pissy and pouty that you're showering again yeah exactly if you do decide to kind of commit to it to any degree that's definitely a good conversation to have here's here's a wild one that like i i did not see the twist coming i'm not gonna i'm not not going to read the question title. This comes from user Headfroyo1481. This is from a 23-year-old female. Okay. The other night I was having sex with my boyfriend.

We both live in an apartment complex and the walls are close to each other in the apartment building. So last night while I was having great sex with my boyfriend in the bedroom, I was moaning loud all the time. And we both finished tired and we went to sleep. Oh, God. When he told me that, I felt embarrassed and mad because he was getting into my privacy. I wonder if couples have had similar experience with their neighbors. Should I have sex on the couch in the living room so I can have my privacy and my neighbor doesn't hear me? That's such a... How familiar are you with your neighbors? Like, do you know a couple of your neighbors? No, not really. I used to know...

I used to be really close with a few of them. I used to be having sex with one of them. Yes. Okay. I was going to say, cause like, I can't imagine anyone in my, I live in a house, but like, you know, we, we have multiple apartments in it. I can't imagine like going out to take the garbage out and the dude downstairs just rolling up and be like, Hey buddy.

Hey, I fucking came to you last night what yeah that that is one of the wildest things that i've heard and like it's it's like i would love to have heard that like to know how it went down like was there small talk where they're just like hey hey how's it going oh not too bad oh yeah well nice weather yeah yeah yeah um guys small talk where they're just like, hey, hey, how's it going? Oh, not too bad. Oh, yeah. Well, nice weather. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys see they're, you know, paving over the car park. Yeah, I did. Anyway, I should probably.

Oh, yeah, yeah. No, just one thing. So last night, look, just want to let you know, I did hear you having sex. Oh, I'm so sorry. No, don't apologize. I did come to you. I did orgasm. And as a result, I did so sorry. No, don't apologize. I did come to you. I did orgasm and

spurred you as a result. I did a cum. I did rub one out to it. Yeah, yeah. Is that how it ended? Was it just like, I just want to let you know? Or was it like, could you keep doing that? Or like, can we get a schedule

so I know where to be with my dick in my hand next time? Or, alternatively, was this the best power play ever? Because he didn't come to this. He was sitting there in his bedroom, unhappy at the noise. And he was like, fuck, what can I do? And he sent in a question to an equally dumb podcast that said, hey, go tell her

you just jizzed to her. And she's never going to do that in earshot again. I don't know if you remember the question about the kid who overhearing the parents. That's basically what he said, right? Yeah, and our answer was to make them so uncomfortable with the fact

that they know that you can hear them. And yes, yes, a hundred percent. Did we do this? I think we did. Hey, it's great. It's great advice.

Clearly. Cause she's thinking of moving things to the couch. Yeah. I mean, like it's, you did look like a giant creep. Yeah. I,

I'm bordering on like you did a sex crime i think yeah yeah i think it's basically like exposing yourself to someone yeah i mean like i think telling someone that something like any sort of bodily fluid escaped your penis i think is yeah and and if not it should be yeah i do think that is it probably actually is like sexual i think it is sexual assault like like think about it like i guess i was an assault right yeah yeah if i was like working with a woman and every morning i was like hey uh you know i opened up your your google your your google chats i looked at your like profile picture yeah like you can't say that to people no yeah you would be fired i feel like if you would get fired doing it in a job it's

probably a pretty good metric of like maybe don't do it in real life don't do it to your neighbors yeah or anyone wild man um i don't know what do you like can you over weird him out oh you know what if you know his name no i think you should you need to do it again you do it again and then when you see him you'd be like i i assume he's gonna come tell you he did it again. Because this guy's a fucking creep, right? This guy, yeah, 100%. Right? And it's October, so it's the perfect time to do it. You say, I wasn't home last night.

Oh. And then make your moans get spookier and spookier as the month progresses. And every time he says he didn't come to you, you say, I wasn't even home last night. Like, what are you talking about? Can I Missy Elliot this and throw it down, flip it and reverse it a little bit? You sort of take a break and hide in the house for a week and see if he talks to your boyfriend as well. When he comes up and tells your boyfriend, hey, man, like you're really fucking laying the pipe in there. You say, what are you talking about?

My girlfriend's been dead for two years. Oh, okay. And because like, he's already seen you as well. Right. So he literally just talked to you when he did his sex crime. Yeah.

So, so like that would, oh man, you know what I mean? Like his penis would be so scared. It would revert back into his body and he would never be able to jerk it to yourself and then next time when you moan he'll come inside himself and that's a proper punishment uh how about this you missy elliot another time and this time you get your boyfriend to go to him when he's walking around your boyfriend goes over to him and says hey i heard

you jerked it to my girlfriend while we were having sex. And while he's getting nervous and thinks you're about to stab him, you say, that's hot. I jerked it to you. It's like, hey, man. Hey, man. I heard you jacking off to my girlfriend, me having sex with my girlfriend the other night. And God damn it. That made me finish.

Me thinking about you jerking it to us that's what i come to all week and like there's a 25 chance this guy's like yes hell yeah and then there's a very good chance he's gonna open mouth kiss you at that moment yeah but hey in that case you've made a very close friend but otherwise i think you're going to probably shut him down he's going to be like oh that's terrible how could you this is this is a sex crime and then you go you did it you started it you started this yeah yeah i think we've given you some powerful answers yeah yeah but don't don't be a coward don't have sex on the couch yeah you do you don't let a coward. Don't have sex on the couch. Yeah. You do you. Don't let him ruin your shit.

No, not at all. Unless you want to have sex on the couch. Yeah, have sex on the couch if you want to. Maybe, alternatively, and I promise this is the last one, record yourselves having sex. And then play it all the time. So that either, one, he jerks it so much that he hurts his own penis. Or, you know like if you watch the same porn like a hundred times you just probably get bored of it you know like just ruin

it for him yeah or it's say like really gross shit while you're moaning but he probably wants that yeah he definitely does he definitely does yeah okay so we do have a brief audience submitted question that i will i will shoot to you because it's oh yeah with to you oh we i guess we have two brief ones this one's from agent falchry and it's about last week's episode where you said once a cheater always a cheater is a toxic rhetoric and they want to know why you said that um because we're human beings and we're dynamic and we can change and i i think sometimes we make mistakes and i don't think holding people to their mistakes as like a defining characteristic i think can be bad you know what i mean i think there are there's lots of nuance sometimes to infidelity and i think

that some people can learn from their mistakes. Some people can like recognize and understand that like, Hey, I fucked up and I hurt someone and may never cheat ever again. So I think sort of painting with such broad strokes can be dangerous. I think some people can change. And I think as a human being, I need to believe that.

So I think things that that broad and that sort of targeted uh aren't necessarily helpful uh in conversations like we were having that at that time no i i completely agree um i also feel like if you do enforce that once a cheater always a cheater rhetoric then cheaters have no option really other than to be cheaters right like if you're already you know framed for a crime it's like why not fucking do it you know like i feel like you don't allow anyone the chance to to change them because it's like they're they're damned already right you know yeah and that's not to say that like people get absolved of their you know shitty

things that they've done like i i can imagine that there are probably people who used to hit their partner or were abusive in some way and have reformed and learned you know to better themselves and no longer do that but i don't think that like those people are inclined should be inclined to forgiveness you know what i mean like i don't think i don't think any of this is that you have to forgive them especially not if you were the person in the relationship but like yeah you know if you are with a new person you found out they cheated it's like you know it's kind of i guess understandable but very shitty to be like i can never trust you you know just yeah one mistake um especially when like like

i said like the the situations can be so nuanced you know what i mean like there's a lot of things happening in everyone's lives and it could be you know it could be any number of reasons why they chose to do that sometimes it could be as simple as like i got blackout drunk and someone took advantage of me yeah you know what i mean i got blackout drunk and i made a stupid decision or you know i mean it's like maybe i was grieving maybe i was going through trauma maybe i was like depressed there was like all sorts of things that could and then realized yeah you know as a result of you know but i think we're both on the same page where we think cheating is pretty shit and just you know it's it's one of the shittiest things you can do and we get of course do not condone it or whatever but also neither of us believe that you should just tar someone with this you know just

damn them because of one one thing that they've done right yeah i think the the greatest strengths and and ability we have as human beings is to emotionally change and like learn and adapt and become better people and like we wouldn't be doing this podcast if we didn't believe that that was possible. You know what I mean? And I don't think we should, I have a very, very hard time believing that,

that like we could exist as a species and not believe that like, there's the possibility for people to be better than who they currently are. And we have one more, one more brief one so we we got reached out on twitter um which is a a thing that you can do you can tweet us questions you can tweet us at at fuck buddies uh fck underscore buddies um two tweets this week which are in the last week which is great yeah um and thisie. Allie says in all capitals, help me.

And my man just had sex with a condom broke. What do we do? So we did already respond to this because it seemed time sensitive. Um, and I guess the advice is pretty simple, which is hopefully you're somewhere in the world where you can access like the, the pill or plan B,

whatever you want to call it. which works pretty well within, I think, 24 to 48 hours and then kind of tapers off in effectiveness after that. So get it as soon as possible. Read the instructions, you know, be prepared. I know sometimes it can make you feel like a little bit ill or quite ill or not have too much of an effect on you, depending on how you react to it. And on top of that, I guess, depending on your partner or the situation, go and get an STD check, because obviously a broken condom leads to risk of that as well. Yep. Yeah, it's super simple. It happens more than you think. So take a take a deep breath it it you know you do have options hopefully you are able to sort of take those precautions um but don't try not to freak out too much and just sort of like follow

follow logically through what you need to do and what you can do. And it looks like on the actual Plan B website, they say 72 hours of unprotected sex. Perfect, yeah. So hopefully you've sorted it out. Hopefully you're all right. Good luck. We wish you the best. Also, looking at the condoms that you're using,

you might not be using the right size or the right lube for it. Or you might not put them on properly. Yeah, so review your condom etiquette. Yeah, make sure there's no air bubble in there. Make sure it's not gone off. Like, I don't know where you're sourcing your condoms, but if they've been in the wallet for a while, even general wear and tear from being in the wallet,

let alone the fact that it might have been in there for a while you know just just review that all right one quick one more quick one yeah we can do one more quick one okay this is by hinkle hinkle mister my wife and i always get asked if we want separate checks my wife oh it's top again i'm sorry i had to do it nearly every time my wife 27 and i 28 go out to eat a meal we get asked at the end if we want separate checks probably happens to me 85 90 of the time not sure why we aren't super pda in public but i wouldn't say we aren't either doesn't make sense but you know what he means the only guess we've been able to come up with is that maybe it's because we occasionally have discussions about political issues or things happening in the news

they're never heated as we're fairly agreeable but we wondered if maybe that could be it. But it happens if we don't have that kind of discussion too, so we're not sure. I'd say even about 15% of the time, they just bring out two separate checks without asking us. I lived with our mutual friend, 26 female, for two weeks when we were moving and my work required me to start early.

Me and her got dinner most of those nights and not once were we ever asked if we want separate checks. They always just gave us one. We even ate at many of the same restaurants my wife and i go together my wife's very flamboyant gay best friend and her would sometimes go grab lunch and only half the time would they get asked if they want separate checks it's not a big deal but is there some way to come off as more clearly being in a relationship when going out to eat we figured once we got married it would end but it hasn't man there's nothing that says that you have the chemistry of a wet fucking sock like

getting separate bills out of no i would love to know does it say if they are an interracial couple uh no because i have i've had racial on this, no, a friend of mine has more or less talked to me about the same problem. And she says that like, when she's with her husband, she is, uh, she's African and he's white. Um, and she's like, anytime I am with my husband, they always ask for separate checks or ask if we want separate checks. But if she's with another person who is, is black or has dark skin,

they don't. Hmm. See, I've never experienced that though. And I'm in an interracial relationship. Yeah, I guess I like, I guess it depends on like,

they, they live a little further North. So like, they're not, they're not quite in the city. So like, I, I like,

I don't know if that plays into it. Like, I would love to know if there are both like of the same skin tone, because I have had people tell me that like that is a contributing factor. They're like, it's not a big deal. But also we've tried this and we've tried this and we do this and I look at this and here's my evidence and I'm posting about it on the Internet. It's clearly a big deal for this person. But as a bartender and as a server it's become increasingly more difficult to sort of like i mean like there are some times where you're like you get it you know

exactly but then there are other times like especially if you guys are older does it say their age uh 27 28 okay never mind because like i have a hard time when it's like two people who are sort of like in their late forties, fifties. And I don't get that like marriage vibe or I don't see rings or like, they're not, you know, ordering for one another kind of thing. You know what I mean? I'm always like,

are you just business associates? And I don't want to make it weird. Yeah. Honestly, like I've one, I've never noticed a ring in my goddamn life. I don't look at people's fucking finger. I don't give a shit.

But two, it's like, I ask all the time anyway because i don't want to go back separate them i don't give a shit like i i wouldn't assume anyone would ever be offended because like you know i think it's there's more danger the other way if you're like oh just one or like how long you guys been together it's like that's my daughter or like, any weird shit like that. So I'm always like, hey, do you want separate checks? It's gotten to the point where I say it so automatically that like this mom came in with her like five year old kid. And I was like, do you guys want separate checks?

Just like, you know, because I say it so many fucking times. Luckily, they thought I was joking. I'm not an idiot. But truth was, I was an idiot. I knew you knew. Yeah. not an idiot but truth was i was an idiot i knew you knew yeah um so like i would just think about that maybe because it's so much easier to ask than to have to reprint or piss somebody off and like bottom line is that's your fucking tip on the line um however but it's the same

restaurant and they've gone with different like they have they've got like kind of a controlled study here the only thing you'd have to know is like oh is it the same server um do you guys fucking hate each other you and your wife yeah do you guys love each other is there any sort of chemistry between the two of you well also just like we're fairly agreeable that's a great way to describe your relationship well i mean i think they mean in terms of the politics. I'm being hilarious, OK? But I think this is a quick fix. I think you just need to when you walk into the restaurant, hold hands, make sure you like pull the chair out for her when she sits down and then like just finger blast each other.

Yeah, finger blasting is a pretty good way to do it but the thing is exactly so contemplative yeah yeah finger blasting is yeah what you got to do is make a show of taking off your wedding ring first you know like take it off glance around and someone will be looking at you because she'll have her legs just spread, dress up in the air. Don't want to get this on her lady soup. Don't want to get this stuck in her soup. Yeah, 100%. And then finger

blast her. And then ask for wet wipes. Be like, I just want to clean my fingers before I put my wedding ring back on. And then just yell, my wife! Also, make sure just as you're about to like blast her off to orgasm town be like I'll have what she's having because it'll

fucking kill people yeah and then when you're blast yourself yes and then when they're like hey do you guys want anything else make sure she goes I already had dessert and look straight at the camera I wouldn't worry about it just like cares uh

is it me or you this time honey when they ask if you want the bill easy or be a normal fucking person say one bill please yes that's the thing are you just waiting for them to bring you the bill do you ever ask for the bill because if you're just waiting like them to bring you the bill? Do you ever ask for the bill? Because if you're just waiting, like, and they're just like, God, these people won't give us anything. Then you're assholes. And if you're assholes, they probably are like, yeah, no one's marrying these assholes. These fucking idiots who don't know how to go to restaurants. Yeah, just say one bill, please.

Yeah, singular bill. How do you usually order? Are you one of those idiots who goes oh can we we'll get the bills and then be like oh we wanted one i'm like bills is plural you dumb shit or i'll have the bill and i bring it over and they're like oh we wanted three i'm like oh guess what bill is singular you dumb shit that's gonna say this has just turned into us airing our grievances about being servers and bartenders. Yeah. Yeah. All right.

Shall we move into the tinders? You ready? Yeah. So at the end of our show, we like to review dating profiles that have been submitted to us and comb them for red flags. This is a gentleman's profile. He works at Liar. And his profile says, I'm a cheating-ass douchebag who never checks my profile, so I don't know what says this.

I'm married and have a beautiful child, but all I want to do is screw strangers. So who's in? Yikes. You done got hacked, son. Now, if you saw this, would you swipe? Absolutely. Yeah, he's hot enough to have a beautiful wife.

And she cares about him enough to hack his profile. He's got to be worth it. Oh, boy. Yikes. Zero out of ten. Yeah. Because you know she's showing up in your doorstep. Oh, 100%.

She's going to kill you. This is Agnes. My mother said I won't get a husband with how fat my ass has gotten in quarantine. Sad face. How'd she spell fat? F-A-T. You know,'t get a husband with how fat my ass has gotten in quarantine. Sad face. How'd she spell fat? F-A-T. You know, ain't nothing wrong with a fat ass. Yeah, that's pretty good, right?

She knows what she's doing. That's a good eight. That's a good eight out of ten, I think. She knows. She knows what she's doing. I remember dating a woman who told me, she was like, oh, my mom used to yell at me and tell me that my butt was too big and no one ever liked me. And I was like, she has an incredible butt.

And I was just like, why do you like this? Why do you like this to your daughters and to each other? Do you not know that we like big butts? And we cannot lie? Do you understand that we're physically incapable in almost like a liar-liar situation when it comes to the size of butts? Do you understand that like we're physically incapable and almost like a liar

liar situation when it comes to the size of butts and the other don't deny this either there's not a single brother who would who would say anything and when a girl walks in yeah with that like itty bitty waist I don't even care about the itty bitty waist I don't and she puts it in your face like you

get sprung especially if she's moaning and it's through the other side of a wall okay do the next one I don't like this i'm not gonna read it i don't even know what half these words are okay it's it got really weirdly star wars in the middle i think picard like this is just a snippet my personality can be very picard on Risa. Invite me on an archaeological expedition, maybe? You fucking just said that Picard is Star Wars? Star Trek, sorry. Idiot.

You're a red flag. I'm giving you a zero. Fine, I'm going to do it. You ready for this? This is Emil. Yeah, hit me. Writer, audiophile, shipwrecked alien, and purveyor of false etymologies. My dating personality can be very Picard on Risa.

Invite me on an archaeological expedition classic into intimacy boundaries respect affection not looking to be completed gonna bring up anti-racism mental health and opera in first conversation i'll put my book down for cute dates new friends enchanted connections of many kinds anything really but your boyfriend all cops are bastards or get the fuck out. Virgo, sun, moon. Man, I was kind of on board until she Virgo sun mooned me. Like nothing there really, you know, rubbed me the wrong way until the astrology thing.

And I'm like, okay, now I'm coloring the rest of your profile in that. Let's be fair. Shipwrecked alien. You don't know. Can you tell me without proof or with, with like solid proof that she is not a shipwrecked alien? I can't. Good.

Anti-racism, mental health and opera in first conversation. Yeah. I mean, I guess that depends on like, like if you're like, Hey, anti-racism and mental health are a big thing for me.

And I like opera. Cool. That's great. But like, if you're like, like just so you know i've scripted this conversation already also who wants to talk about fucking opera yeah i was gonna say i'm fine with like the other two because they could lead to interesting conversations but i don't i don't think anyone's had an interesting conversation about opera i don't know a single person who likes opera i once uh dated an opera singer excellent um what do you give it uh the opera singer i dated no the profile i'm gonna give it like a five because i don't care i'm giving about. Okay, this is SS, which hopefully isn't a dog whistle. Yeah.

Success equals hard work plus correct method plus less empty talk. Sorry, give me that again. Success equals hard work plus correct method plus less empty talk. They're not wrong, I guess.

They're getting a zero from me. Yeah, but like nothing sounds less fun than that. Yeah, I just like what does that have to do with dating or you? Hey, let me tell you right now. The fucking date you're going on, you're getting separate bills with this dude. Don't be sure I said. Oh, no.

The end with keys, although Mina is pretty good, too. I don't know. Strongly against skinny jeans, ripped jeans, and ankle socks. Sad face. Yeah, alright. She knows what she likes. I just love the sad face. Yeah.

They're strongly against it. Strongly against skinny jeans, ripped jeans, and ankle socks. Sad face. This is Mina. And their picture is about 20% face, 80% boobs. If you want to find a girl for fucking 10, 10,

10, you know that, uh, you know that like looking up like face, like rolling your eyes face. Yeah. It's if you want to find a girl for fucking roll your eyes face, please avoid my account.

Thank you guys very, very much. Yeah. It's if you want to find the girl for fucking roll your eyes face, please avoid my account. Thank you guys very, very much. And then there's about 28 of those rolling your eye faces. Cool. Cool. Cool. You sound pretty cool, Mina.

Yeah. I mean, that's a three for me. That's 28 for me. 28. Roll your eye faces. Am I right? Thank you very much for listing.

We have been just delighted to be accompanied by you this evening or morning or whatever um it's it's our sonic pleasure to deliver you this podcast that was the best sonic game sonic pleasure yeah it was pleasure i promise you if you google that you will find i don't want to that's our sex writing for this week oh man i can't i can find it although do you want to know what our sex writing for this week is well we'll find out in a second just relax uh firstly i would like to say happy birthday to kyle our regular guest and chef of of no little renown and beautiful friend and all-around incredible person happy birthday just sweet sweet boy just the best he's just a real sweet boy he is the sweetest um so

happy birthday kyle we love you we do um if you would like to reach out to us on our various forms of communication to ask us a question for next week's episode, you can do that. And I will tell you how right now. You can send us an email at fbuddiespodcast at gmail.com. You can reach out to us on Twitter at fck underscore buddies. You can message us out on Facebook at fckbuddiespodcast or you can visit us online at fbuddiespodcast.com or plentyofbeef.ca. Gee, golly, Dane, those all sound like really easy ways to reach this podcast. It sure is, Niall. Wow. I hope all those nice folk really do a good question send.

This has gone so off the rails. Thank our boy. Thank our good boy. Thank you, Josh Eagle and the Hire of Cities for their song, Paper Stars. You ready for this? Yes. So this is a letter. This is a letter by a historical figure.

Want to guess which historical figure it is? Churchill. No, Benjamin Franklin. So it is called Advice to a Friend on Choosing a Mistress. And he gives seven points, or eight, eight points. I'm going to read the intro and point number five. I repeat my former advice that in all your amours, you should prefer old women to young ones. You call this a paradox and demand my reasons. They are these. Number five, because in every animal that walks upright, the deficiency

of the fluids that fill the muscles appear first in the highest part. The face grows lank and wrinkled, then the neck, then the breasts and arms, the lower parts continuing to the last as plump as ever. So that covering all above with a basket and regarding only what is below the girdle, it is impossible of two women to know an old one from a young one. And as in the dark all cats are gray, the pleasure of corporal enjoyment with an old woman is at least equal and frequently superior every knack being by practice capable of improvement all right benjamin franklin just say that ass stay fat don't think he's talking about asses he's talking about vaginas i think so he's talking about fat fat vaginas i think he's just saying that you can't tell the age of a woman if you cover them in a basket or fuck them in the dark. As in the dark, all cats are

gray, Dane. I mean, tell me something I don't know, Ben Franklin. Even your sweet ginger boy. Benjamin Franklin, don't touch my cat. Who sells baskets that big? Alright, let's end this shit. Good night. I am Niall Spain. And my name is Dane Miller. We have been your fuck buddies. No, no, you don't.