F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 110 - The Horny Truth About Coffee

Episode Date: November 9, 2020

Hey, America!  You did a good job and to celebrate we've got a very special episode in which we barely talk about politics because we had no idea what was going to happen when we recorded this.  Topics include a surprisingly horny coffee fact, what to do when your date falls asleep, masturbation and virginity, how to tell your partner they're not good in bed, using "faking it" as a weapon, the most important metric in which to evaluate breasts.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller. And I'm Mal Spain. And we are your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and we flip them.

Turn them into sexy, sticky situations. Simply put, we're really good at backflips. We're terrible at backflips. Oh, I am. I just can go on a trampoline. I was going to say, you're probably much better at backflips than I am. I don't know. You're deceptive.

You're incredibly good at archery for no reason. You're a climbing and gymnastics boy. I'll do a goddamn single-nastic, let alone a gym-nastic. All right, explain our podcast. Let's just cut all that. Simply put, we find questions online or from our lovely listeners, and we answer them for you on the topics of sex and dating. And we're actually having an adult beverage for the first time together.

Yeah. And by together, I mean not in the same building or room, unfortunately. But yes, even the same neighborhood. No. Quadrant of the city. What are you drinking? I got a nice little Duchesse de Bourgogne here. It's Flanders red. It's quite nice. I have

Chef Aftar's Whitbeer. Who's that by? By Henderson. What's going on? Oh, you know. It's weird because as of right now, we are in sort of election purgatory. As of this recording, we don't know who's won. But when this comes out, hopefully we will know who's won.

And hopefully it is not Donald Trump. And hopefully we'll all be chill about the results. Yeah, and hopefully there is a world in which we can release this to on Monday. Yeah. Well, don't worry. He said he wouldn't claim victory before he won. And sure, he did do that almost immediately. But he did say he wouldn't for two days.

I mean, that's as good as we can get, really. Hey, guess what? If he isn't in office, or I guess he still will be in office, but you know what I mean? If they vote him out, maybe we can shut the fuck up about American politics on this podcast. Because we don't want to talk about it. No, we really don't.

Hey, Dane. Yes, now. You're beautiful like a rose. Do you have that fragrance also? Like a rose fragrance? Are you asking? Am I role playing as a fragrant cashier? You are roleplaying as a

lady on Coffee Meets Bagel, and someone has just swooped into your inbox with just a killer line like that. How do you respond? Well, I guess it would depend on whether or not I do actually smell like roses.

How does anyone know what they smell like, really? That's a good point. I would how does anyone know what they smell like really that's a good point do you know i would say i would say you know what you know what sir i think you just have to get on over here and give me a good fucking sniff that's fair it is such a killer line that there's no other choice but to invite them over immediately yeah for sniffs nothing else so this comes to us as an example of it's basically exhibit a in this question where uh their response this is one of our good friends on twitter um this is agent wondrous they ask am i a bad person for matching with man who sent me stupid messages just long enough to put

them in their place and their response was no i smell like anxious sweat and coffee before blocking them no i do not think you're a bad person for that at all. No, I think rather. I mean, you're seeking these people out to bully them online. Yeah. And I think there's a problem. But if people are coming to you with that kind of energy, I think you are 100% within your right to be like, I'm going to respond to this in a way that you're probably not going to like. I think even more than that, you're doing a civic duty.

You're taking time out of your busy schedule to educate these people. Hopefully, again, I'm sure a lot of these people are far beyond help, but- I was going to say, let's not pretend like any of these men have learned anything from this. But imagine if every time they did this, someone was just like, you know, just shut them down and then block them. I think you'd probably be like, mm, okay. Because I imagine mostly they get

ignored, you know? Yes, yeah. I can't imagine most people are like, yeah, I smell like a rose. Like, what do you even answer to that? Unless it is literally like you're so hot i want you to come here and find out like that that's the only chance like fucking man i was trying to name a male celebrity and almost said ben shapiro you're definitely not gonna invite

ben shapiro over to sniff you i'm sure there is someone out there that you know gets tickled by mr shapiro yeah it's a white stri vagina because that sounds like really tickly um no 100 i don't think there's anything wrong they're the ones reaching out to send you cringy shit you're doing everyone a service by trying to educate people so four thumbs up here two for me two from dane yeah what's coffee meets bagel though oh it's like uh just a dating app. Did you not know about that one? I don't think so.

I might have. I don't know. It's all just sort of a quagmire in my head when it comes to what I know about dating apps at this point. Coffee Meets Bagel seems really strange to me because it's like when I think coffee, I don't think bagels. When I think bagels, I don't think coffee. You know what I mean? Like they're not, you know. When I think of like when something't think bagels. When I think bagels, I don't think coffee. You know what I mean? Like they're not, you know. When I think of like when something meets something, you're combining it.

And so the idea is you're dipping a bagel into coffee, which seems strange to me. I think it's meant to be like that they're complementary. You know what I mean? But like bread meets butter, that works better. You know what I mean? Coffee meets bagel. Like sure, you can have them together. I don't think I would. I don't think I've ever had a coffee with a bagel anyway we're getting

sidetracked you got a question for me this isn't really something i think we need to talk about but it does involve coffee so i feel like it is a good segue um it's i don't drink coffee so maybe you can answer this for me because i i don't know what the hell's happening here this comes from reddit user medsWithBreakfast. I need three cups of coffee to stay awake at work. One side effect is I get extremely horny. Do you get like this? I may simply get horny and a little bit wet, or I become a running faucet.

I carry an extra pair of underwear for days I get this way. But I am so exhausted and may need a fourth cup. Do coffee drinkers experience this from coffee? Does anyone else get dripping wet when horny? One, I don't get dripping wet when I'm horny. I'm sorry. This was a litmus test. I wanted to see if I was the only one who gets wet.

Yeah, sorry. Just you, Dan. Definitely not Ben Shapiro's wife. Maybe she needs a cup of coffee, Ben. There we go. No, I don't get coffee horny at all. Right? Like, have you ever heard of anyone getting coffee horny?

I'm pretty sure that's not a thing because most people chug a coffee or two, especially in the service industry when you've nothing like if you're bored, or if you're hungover or tired, like you're just chugging back that free coffee and work. Everyone will be like shuffling around with like pants boners and no okay cool because i was just like i don't drink like i don't consume a whole lot of caffeine because i've had a lifetime history of sleeping problems wait how are you how are you so horny then well maybe maybe that's why i can't sleep it's because there's like a natural whatever that you know whatever boosts your energy in coffee is inherently in my blood that i am just always so aroused. Oh my god. So I looked it up, Dane. Researchers have found coffee makes women horny. By increasing blood flow to the genitals,

scientists believe women who drink caffeine even once a week have an increased sex drive. It reduces erectile dysfunction in men. Fuck. Yeah. Reduces stress. Makes people better athletes. Their brains work better. They're happier. that didn't work for me fucking miserable it's all from coffee it's all from coffee so hey it could actually be a

thing i could be wrong now dang is there anything that makes you weirdly horny that is not typically a horny making in terms of like food or beverage just anything like not like oh women wearing sneakers or something like that i mean like yeah like a substance or even a time or a mood or anything yeah like do you have a carrot and go i don't know okay i don't think so i don't think there's anything that like okay so i get super horny when i'm hung over okay yeah super horny Super horny. Like, so if, if I'm really, really sick, like when I'm, when I've got like a really bad cold, I don't think I'm hornier in any other time than when I,

when I'm sick. And I, I don't know why it, because it's like, I don't feel sexy and I absolutely don't want to have sex. You know what? I think maybe it's the same reason why i get horny when i am hung over is that your body thinks you're dying so it wants to breed before it leaves this mortal

plane yeah it wants one final chance to yeah yeah i don't know because like i sometimes i i'm so horny it like but i literally feel like if i move i'll throw up because I'm so hungover. Yeah. I'm the same way where it's like if I'm sick, it's like and it's not like if I have like the sniffles or a sore throat or something. It's like if I'm like actually have to be in bed and rest, like I'm pretty much rock hard the entire time. And it's and it's so frustrating because I'm just like, I can't even jerk off. Like, I don't even have the energy to fucking jerk off. Yeah. I'm not going to be like, hey, I'm a fucking disease puddle right now.

Hop on, babe. I just I want to get that off my chest because it was tangentially related or tangentially. But I guess, yeah, this coffee can totally do that. Maybe don't have a fourth cup. I don't know how much blood you want going down there. Right? Yeah. I mean, like, depending on what you do for a job, maybe fucking chill with the coffee.

Maybe find, like, a, you know. If you're a cam girl, have a fourth cup. Yeah, for sure. If you're a school teacher, maybe, I don't know, take a five-hour energy. Yeah. Does Red Bull get you horny too? Oh, man, imagine what five-hour energy would do. Yeah, that's not great. Hey, speaking of weird things with kids.

Oh, no. Have you seen what happened in Watch Dogs, any Watch Dogs game? No. So, like, the whole point of the game is like anyone on the street you can like recruit into your your crew sounds cool like technically but i don't know how it works but i assume you're gonna hit me with some ways so a lot of it is randomly generated so it'll be like oh here's a doctor and then you know it gives a little backstory thing or like a fun tidbit and then like skills based on being a doctor um one randomly generated one was like recently ended a you know romantic affair with their patient and they were a pediatrician

oh no oh god like you wonder is that intentional they like, this is like a fucked up person? It's like a dark backstory? Or was it just like, they had generic things written and like, didn't really look into it? Probably. They probably, yeah, they probably were like, hey, list every medical profession you can. Great. Now throw together a bunch of like, scandalous things for a doctor to

be. Hey, that's pretty scandalous. They did it. Yeah. Yeah, you did it. Okay, did it um okay let's we need to help this person more other than saying it's okay for them to be horny like other than just maybe maybe find better ways more natural ways to introduce like an energy boost like maybe your vitamin d or your iron is low you know what i mean yeah i feel like we didn't address the main problem which is why are you so tired you need three cups of coffee every day and are still tired because like coffee's not a fix coffee's like a a little pep you know what i mean like it it shouldn't make that much difference

no i like i don't think if you need coffee as a like the only way you can function you're in bad bad shape um and you need to figure out if there's something wrong with like your sleep cycle or you know something going on there that is not right you should not require that amount of caffeine to like get through your day yeah maybe it's time to like wean yourself off coffee coffee slightly like look at your iron levels or like your sleep but like as for the horn news thing apparently apparently it's fine yeah i mean like medics or you know uh medical studies have shown that coffee makes you horny so who knew who knew it also seems to specify women as well why don't why don't guys get to get coffee horny yeah i know like blood flow is specifically how we get i know arrest this is by thrower a socially I know. She was really tired, so she laid down, rest her head on my thighs slash hips, but she fell asleep.

And now I'm typing this while, you know, it's been 30 minutes. Do I wake her up? Do I wait for her to wake up? Do I pick her up, lay her down on the bed, write a note and leave? This is the most awkward situation I've been in since I lost my virginity. I really like this girl. I don't want to do the wrong creepy thing. I should just wake her up and tell her she fell asleep, right?

It would be really awkward if I picked her up and she woke up. So I don't want to do that. That's it. That's the question. I mean, like, I get it. I would, a part of me would just be like, you know, throw a blanket on her and head on out, head on your way. But there's also the concern of like does the door lock behind you because you don't really want to like leave a you know a woman passed out somewhere where you know

she doesn't have a locked door um i don't think there's any harm in sort of like standing up presumably she's gonna wake up as you sort of like shift and just be like, Hey, you know, you fell asleep. You seem to be really tired. If you want, I can take off. It was really nice. You know, I had a great time,

but let's do it when, you know, you're not unconscious. Yeah. I feel like I don't think leaving's in a good idea at all. I think that would be super bizarre if like she was having this nice date. And then like, all of a sudden you're like,

wake up and you're like, where the fuck's my date? Like I think that's a weird thing to have happen, you know? And it's not like you know this person well enough that like, oh, it would be a pity if I woke her up. She had a hard day. She didn't have her three coffees earlier and she, you know. So it's like leaving them. It's not like unless you know specifically like, ah, I should let her sleep, which I'm assuming you don't.

There's no real reason to let her keep sleeping. I feel like the easiest way to do something in this situation is to get up to go to the bathroom, whether you need to or not. And when they wake up, just like, oh, you fell asleep. And then, like you said, be like, do you want me to go or are you gonna wake up i guess yeah you don't fall sleep on me again but i think like leaving is a really awkward thing to do because one like when i wake up for a nap i'm disoriented as fuck and like if they don't if it's a first date like and they wake up and it's dark and like they don't know where you are that could be scary one two it's like it could be a big pity if like all of a sudden you just look like you ran away and they were having a

good time um and three again you have no idea what to do with the door so i think just like shift until they wake up get up to go to the bathroom and just gently wake them up 30 minutes is a decent time to be asleep i don't think anyone's gonna give out to you for waking them up they're not gonna be like what the fuck man i was asleep like i don't think anyone's going to give out to you for waking them up. They're not going to be like, what the fuck, man? I was asleep. I don't think they expect you to be their pillow for the evening. And if they do, you probably don't want to date this person more.

Now, if you're watching something good and it's still on, what's the harm in finishing it? If she was like, oh, shit, why didn't you wake me up? You could be like, oh, I didn't even know you were asleep. You know what I mean? Because if her head's in your lap and you're watching a movie, it's like, for all you know, why didn't you wake me up? You could be like, oh, I didn't even know you were asleep. You know what I mean? Because like if she's, if her head's in your lap and you're watching a movie, it's like, for all you know, she's just watching it. The amount of times I've been watching a movie with Amanda and she's fallen asleep and I've

had no idea. But yeah, honestly, do not leave. I think that would be a weird thing to do. 30, like if she just fell asleep and it was like a minute and you're like, hey, get up. Also weird. You've waited 30 minutes. That's more than enough. Just wake her up and be like, hey, get up. Also weird. You've waited 30 minutes. That's more than enough. Just wake her up and be like, hey, you fell asleep.

Are you wrecked? Because if you are, I can leave. Like, we can do this again another time. Here's a fun one. This is a question from Reddit user BlueGreyWhale. A question from a virgin who doesn't understand sex. Firstly, I'm a male teen. I've eliminated masturbation from my life for the most part, except for a few instances.

In those instances, I would plan to masturbate three or four times that day. But after ejaculating for the first time, all my motivation to continue masturbating for the day stops. What bothers me is that I don't know what the relationship is towards sex. I often hear lots of couples explaining that sex lasts for hours and hours and both parties orgasm over and over. But for a male, does the motivation to orgasm again after your first orgasm continue? Or does it feel more like a one and done? I'm hoping that in the future I can satisfy my partner alongside myself. But judging by what happens when I masturbate, I don't know how effective I can be. I'm always told masturbation and sex are entirely different, but then I also

hear that they're entirely the same. I apologize if I didn't explain my question very well be. I'm always told masturbation and sex are entirely different, but then I also hear that they're entirely the same. I apologize if I didn't explain my question very well, but I'm hoping you can piece together what I'm trying to say, given the context provided. Who's like, oh, I gotta lock in four masturbation sessions

on Tuesday. Right? Just hold on, I gotta pencil those in. How many do I want to do arbitrarily in advance oh four like arousal is not cumulative it doesn't you know you know what i mean you don't store up your like boner points and then be like you know what i'm just gonna knock them all out on tuesday and start scratch build them up over the week and just you know tuesday's gonna be jerk off day arousal is kind of cumulative right to a degree you know what i mean like every hour versus if you like wait a week but yeah i suppose not like this uh i that's a wild thing for me i don't know like even like if you were planning sex you're like oh how about next tuesday we have

sex four times like that would be fucking bizarre. Yeah. Anyway, sorry. That's a side point. You strange, strange teen male. I don't think most people fuck for hours. I don't think anybody really fucks for hours. Nobody wants to. No one wants to, firstly. Like, that's a, like, it's like a song. You know what I mean?

Like, we fucked all night. Like, it's not real. It's not real life. And like, sure, like, marathon sex can happen. you know what I mean like we fucked all night like it's not real it's not real life and like sure like marathon sex can happen but like when people say they fucked all night they don't mean that they started at fucking 11pm and didn't stop fucking until

the sun rose that's not what they mean what they mean is like they fucked maybe passed out woke up again fucked again fell asleep again you know maybe watched a movie in between maybe had a break you know yeah talked about life and had a coffee fucked again, fell asleep again, maybe watched a movie in between. Had a Gatorade break. Yeah. Talked about life and had a coffee and a cigarette while the sun came up in the distance.

Exactly. I think a lot of people, I definitely thought that. When I was younger and before I really started having sex, I thought that we were expected to do that. So I get where this guy is coming from. So in that sense, no, sex doesn't last for hours. Secondly,

yeah. When you're, when you're done, like men for the most part, when they're done, they're done at least for a certain amount of time. The refractory period, um,

multiple orgasms for a man is super rare. Um, multiple orgasm for women can totally happen but you know that's not your concern right now so like yeah once you finish you'll probably need to take some downtime you know um and there's that's not strange that's completely normal it's stranger if that's not the case yeah it'd be weird if you could just like you've wrote one out and then like you know you reach over grab a new tissue and then fucking just start hammering away like i think that would be more concerning yeah so again yeah you're totally right you do kind of like lose the will

kind of in the moment you know what i mean like i've definitely been in situations where like you know you're still horny and it's like, you can be spiritually horny, but physically your dick has to catch up. That's fine. You know? Um, but no, again, like everyone has a refractory period. Some are shorter than others. A lot of it's kind of mental, so that's fine as well. Yeah. I mean, like, I think there's a lot of I think you're putting a lot of weight on expectations that you are more or less completely making up or you're deriving from hyperbole through media. Yeah, because I don't know how many couples, you know, that are saying that they're fucking for hours and hours and hours. And if they are, they're probably lying. Yeah, they're either lying or they're expressing what

they're doing badly i think what you're doing right now is a great thing i think this is one of the times where you should go to the internet because this is where you're going to get sort of unfiltered no machismo and just like people are going to hopefully answer you honestly what their sexual experience is and i think overwhelmingly you'll find out that like no one wants to fuck for hours if you're having good sex it's exercise like it's tiring yeah and it's

it's like it gets warm there's a lot of fucking movement and body heat uh also like you're you're dealing with some really sensitive equipment you don't want dick chafing you don't want anything like that. So like, you know, like I once had sex 10 times in a day purely towards the end just because we wanted to hit that number. So stop being enjoyable.

And like my dick felt bruised to the touch for like a week. Like it hurt. It sucked. This is what I thought of this when i i got this question i was like yeah marathon sex exists but i don't think there's anyone out there who's ever been like i feel good after like i would say like three is probably the point where you get diminishing returns i don't think anyone's having a good time after three rounds. Cause like, yeah. Like our, your,

your penis gets sore. Like three, I don't know. Five was fine. You know what I mean? Five was fine. I mean, I guess at one point went for steak and oysters and fucking wine. And like,

it was a whole day affair, you know what I mean? But like there, there's a point of diminution returns and it all matters. Like everybody's body is different, et cetera. Either way point remains yes it's usually one and done for a certain amount of time for men uh no people don't fuck for hours

and stop scheduling group like groups of masturbatory sessions it's weird you're hornier you're not you can't predict horniness yeah don't i i don't know why there's like this sudden sort of like surge of people thinking that masturbation like yes you can de-stimulatize yourself you know what i mean like you can sort of you know fuck your nerve endings up by frequent masturbation or aggressive masturbation you can do that you you can desensitize your penis. But masturbation doesn't have to be an unhealthy part of your sexuality or your sexual health. But also, like, I've been masturbating for fucking, like, two decades, and my dick's still going fucking fine. So you're good. Like, I don't, like, it can happen.

Like, you can have unhealthy things. I think they're pretty hard to do. Or at least, like, I don't think you would accidentally like you can have unhealthy things. I think they're pretty hard to do, or at least like I don't think you would accidentally. You know what I mean? I think you would probably be aware if you were doing it wrong. But like normal masturbation is fine. I think most people have a decent relationship with masturbation. Yeah, you just you need to stop sort of like putting a weird correlation between you. I mean,

like I think there is a correlation between your masturbation habits and your sex life. Particularly if you have unhealthy habits in either one, you know what I mean? But masturbating won't make you less of a lover. It doesn't make you less of a person. No, you're probably going to find that you will be more comfortable with yourself if you masturbate on a regular basis or at least when you want to.

Yeah, you'll be more more comfortable with what you're working with down there. What feels good? As long as you don't sort of think that like sex is masturbation. Masturbation is sex. They're two completely different things. Yeah. And that's, I i think important to know so i would yeah i would stop sort of like blocking you know a chunk of time out for just like rubbing out as many as you possibly can that's going to get you nowhere and

that's probably what's going to do any damage if you are going to do damage it's being like i'm going to jerk off four times whether my body needs it or not. Yeah. You just like if you're horny and you want to masturbate, like that's fine. Like try not to develop a porn addiction, I guess, and try not to savage your own penis. But like once you're not doing those things, you're probably fine. One quick thing about masturbation and like porn and that kind of stuff is don't because you're aversion, don't expect the things you're jerking off to to be reflected in actual sex. Yeah. I know we talk about it a fair amount of time, but like porn is performatory. It is for consumption of someone to watch.

That is not what you're doing with sex. Nine times out of ten. Unless you're a voyeur or whatever. It does not represent real sex pretty much at all. I think a lot of people end up getting all fucked up thinking that like trying to perform as, as if they're a porn star during sex. And that's not what anyone wants. They, you know, you gotta be authentic. You gotta be connected and you gotta be a genuine in your attraction and in your commitment.

Unlike masturbation, sex is not just about you. I think that is the most important thing or one of the most important things to know as well, because guys have this terrible habit of just thinking that treating sex that way. They go in, they fucking slam their dick at someone till they come. They roll over. Job done. Yeah. And that is just and especially as a young virgin, that's one of the most important things you could learn, because if you treat sex not that if you treat it like it's you know a partnership and that each person's needs is as important as the other one you're going to be head and shoulders above every single other person having sex around you yeah i mean like regardless of like how long you last what you're worried

about is like going multiple sessions it doesn't really matter if you get the job done in your one session of the day or the night or whatever good for you you know i mean like no one's going to be upset if they finish their first round satisfied yeah now this is by a deleted user pretty much fits in here how do i female 31 tell the guy male 32 i just started having sex with that he's bad in bed i recently started talking to someone and we had sex for the first time over the weekend. He was not very attentive throughout, basically seemed only interested in himself coming, and then afterwards didn't so much as ask if I had come. I brought up passively at first and he brushed it off a little bit and implied it wouldn't

happen in the future. Oh, sorry. He implied it would happen in the future, as in like her coming. We had sex three times that night and suffice to say it did not. So my instinct is to assume we're not compatible. But he seems attentive in other parts of the relationship, so I'd like to at least have a conversation with him on the off chance that somehow he has no idea.

How do I have this conversation without completely offending him off the bat? If I was just going to tell him it wasn't going to work out, I wouldn't care, but I would like to hopefully have a respectful, kind, and most importantly, productive conversation with him about it. Thanks for any and all help. Sorry, there's an edit quickly.

To explain what I mean by him not being attentive, he basically seems to put me in the position he likes and go for it without really paying much attention to me. I asked him to go down on me the second time, which he did for maybe two minutes and then was done. I don't necessarily need special techniques or tricks to get me off, but I feel like I need the guy to give a shit about me being there ball yeah i mean this is this is a really tough conversation you know what i mean i remember being in high school and dating someone who's a really really bad kisser and it's like no one wants to hear they're not a good kisser and when you get older no one wants to hear that you're bad in bed yeah um and there's one thing i feel like there are two people there are the people who always assume they're bad in bed and they're the people who don't even think twice about it yeah you know what i mean like i think there are people who are probably

perfectly fine in bed who stress about it and then there are people who are usually garbage in bed and think they're fucking perfect or don't even care you know what i mean like um wait bad in bed what does that mean what do you mean i came i'm great i come every time it's a hundred percent um i also dated a a woman who had like i think i was her like second or third partner and she'd only slept with other people sparingly i think it was like like second or third partner and she'd only slept with other people sparingly. I think it was like maybe once or twice per partner before me. And she was not great. It's a little easier. I think when you're the dude to sort of guide someone in sexual sort of, cause like we tend to be the more active participant nine times out of ten in most of the

positions yeah um as someone who's not a woman it's hard to really sort of figure out how to do this we also tend to be the ones who have the fucking fragile egos which makes it harder for the girl i think to to bring it up right yeah so um i think yeah you hit me with your ideas because i need to think so i think you like you you nailed it having this conversation is very fucking hard so don't have the conversation instead of having like a non you know what i mean instead of having it outside the realms of the bedroom which i think is gonna probably make things awkward and maybe hurt this person whether or not that's fair. When you're having sex, tell them what you want, you know? Cause I think that's, that's a

very different thing. Like having a conversation outside the bedroom, being like, Hey, you're not good, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It's going to be hard. If you're having sex and you're not telling them what you want during sex, then like try that first. You know what I mean? Because if you're like, Oh, like, I love that. Like keep doing that. And they don't, you like try that first. You know what I mean? Because if you're like, oh, like, I love that. Like keep doing that. And they don't, you know, that that's an issue. And if you like, oh, if you, if you say like two or three things and they don't do it, yeah, you've got a problem. And then you can bring that up maybe. But like, I feel like someone might feel a little blindsided if you don't tell them. And if you do tell them and they do it and they see that you're enjoying

it, then it's, I think a pretty organic way to like tailor them towards your tastes or to at least instead of saying i don't like this you're saying i do like this can you do it i think it's a lot more positive and like easy um and then if they refuse to listen to you in bed then firstly that's a pretty bad problem because why would they listen to you in bed, then firstly, that's a pretty bad problem. Cause why would they listen to you outside the bed? Um, when you try to bring it up again, but at least you can be like,

Hey, well, when we were fucking the other day, I even asked you to do X, Y, and Z and you didn't, you know? Yeah.

I think also be very specific. So you were like, Hey, can you go down on me? Technically he did. I think, I think what you could say is I want you to make me come with your mouth. You know what I mean? Because then he has a goal.

You know what I mean? He will know you are not satisfied until you come. Yeah. Also, that's a sexy thing to hear. Fuck yeah. Of course it is. So I think, and even if maybe he needs a little bit more coaching in the oral department while you're there and you can't quite get there being like, okay, you know what? Never mind.

Fuck me is also like that's that's still a good thing to be like. Depending on how you say it. Yeah. Never mind. Fuck me. Right. Yeah. But like if you if he's doing a really good job, but he's not quite good enough to get you there, you know, okay.

He gave it his college best and you that's something you guys can work on together yeah even if he does a good job it doesn't get you there at least you'll be more turned on by the time he gets to the fucking right and like yeah you can work on it and be like oh that felt great you know what i mean like if he's trying genuinely and things aren't bad and he's not being lazy, you can work with him. Yeah. But if that's something. But if you do say something as specific as like, I want you to make me come with your mouth and he, you know, goes down on you again for two minutes.

It's like, are you there yet? Then, like, you can sort of make the assumption that he's not a great sexual partner or at least not a great sexual partner for you yeah that's the thing and at least if you've brought these things up like in this kind of organic like positive way like in the bedroom then you can also point to those after when you're like hey like honestly sex isn't necessarily working like i was i literally asked you to do x y and z and it's like you just don't seem receptive to that and unfortunately i need a partner that's going to actually care about my position while we're fucking yeah um and that's like if you feel inclined to give him like if you've just started seeing this guy like there's no harm being like hey sorry just not clicking

um but again i don't think there's any real harm in sort of being like hey here are the reasons why because hopefully he will learn from that and with his next sexual partner he will sort of realize that he's he's got his own way to pull yeah and like you did say like you brought it up passively and he said it would be fine later on and then suffice to say it did not so it's like I don't know whether you mentioned it again because for all we know he thinks it did happen and i don't know how passively you brought it up you know what i mean so those are we love to know if anything happened after and what you said because like that isn't job done that's job broached slightly you know what i mean That's like question approached, not problem solved. So I think definitely like when you're in bed, there's no harm in being like,

do this or like, that feels great. Or like, you know, give direction. And if that direction isn't followed, then by all means have the conversation. And at least you'll have that to point to. Whereas if you're like, you're bad in bed, but you've never given them any guidance, then that's kind of not great because every woman is quite different. So he might be doing what worked for somebody else, or he might just be a selfish lover, or he just might not have had anybody tell him before, which is not necessarily right, but it might explain it. So I think give yourself as many chances. You know, if you like this guy,

he seems good in other situations. Just tell him what to do. And if he refuses to follow instructions, then have the talk or get out of there. This is another good transition to this question and fairly similar. This comes from a Reddit throwaway account. My girlfriend and I got into a drunken fight

and she told me I was the first guy that's ever faked it or she's ever faked an orgasm with. I'm really struggling with getting over what she said and performing better. So a few weeks ago, me and my girlfriend of two years got a little a little too tipsy and got into a fight out of nowhere. I barely remember what it was about. The only thing I do remember about the fight was her comment. I got very heated. At one point, I decided I was done with the argument. I told her I wasn't going to talk to her anymore and I was going to bed. She then went off and told me that I wasn't a real man for stopping the argument. She then said that that might be the reason why she has to fake it with me. I turned around and

she said that she's never had to fake it with any other man. I was crushed by it. I left her apartment and drove back to my place. I felt like I wasn't a real man. In the morning, she came to my apartment and cried apologizing. I accepted it. I've still been struggling with it. I feel like my dick is broken or too small for her. Every time she comes, I can't tell if it's real or not, and I feel so uninsured. This has really been impacting my ability to have sex, and sometimes I can't even get hard. I know I'm being insecure, but I knew I didn't have some magic dick that made every woman orgasm, but I thought I was doing okay. I know I'm being secure, but I knew I didn't have some magic dick that was made every woman orgasm, but I thought I was doing okay. How do I get over this?

She refuses to tell me what I'm doing wrong. So I don't even know how to get to the point where she's not faking it with me. Man, this person sucks, right? That's a horrible thing to say. Um,

and considering it came out while drunk in the middle of a fight after you're trying to end the fight. And while she's trying to like reinforce these super harmful like male gender stereotypes just to hurt you i probably wouldn't put much weight to it but honestly the very fact that she said it at all and then also refuses to tell you how to be better in bed with her fuck it i say toss this relationship and find somebody less shit yeah i i thought it was it's like the flip side of the last question you know what i mean um because like this is how to not go about it if you're not satisfied sexually satisfied with your partner this is not the way to bring it

up yeah if we were to do our patented like make a joke about the worst way to do it we'd be like don't mention it to him. Save it up. Get really bitter about it. And then the middle of your next drunken fight after you've been dating for a while, just throw it on him and really crush him. Yeah. Like, um, so yeah, it's like she fucked up off the bat. Again, I don't know what the hell I, we don't have enough context of like the rest of the relationship but one I just want to say this off the bat

don't fucking drive when you're drunk like if you had a drunken fight don't drive please yeah I know you're upset but like your life is more important than something as trivial as a fucking fight so you know take care of yourself

other people's lives too because it's rare that you would only engage yourself right so i think what you need to do if you want to proceed forward with this relationship presumably you do because you're trying to fix it i think you need to sit down with her and like really tell her how much this has affected you i think at that point you'll kind of get a decent baseline because if she what you know if she does what she did in this fight and sort of ridicule your manhood by being affected by this then you can be like cool I'm out yeah like you know what I mean literally just walk out that door that second and never look back because this person is horrendous um but if you and also like you said she apologized but we don't know whether

she was like hey sorry i was drunk i was uh or whether it was like hey sorry i said this thing because for all we know she doesn't even know she said it right or she's hoping that he'll just overlook it or whatever i think you really need to sit her down be like hey this happened the other night and that's not okay because either you meant it and like that's not even on you. If she did mean it and she hasn't told you anything this entire time, like how are you supposed to read her fucking mind? Especially when she says she's been faking it. Right. So it's like that's also her fault at this point.

So you need to literally like lay it down, say that you really hurt me. What you said is really fucked up. Um, that along with like disparaging your manhood for not wanting to have an argument, like those things need to end the alt, like right now. And if they don't, the relationship shouldn't go further. And on top of that,

talk about, be like, did you mean what you said? And if she's like, yes, then be like, okay, well you need to work with me or else like we need to end this relationship

or else you can't throw shit like this in my face when you're refusing to do anything. Right. And if she's like, well, I don't know what I liked and it's like, that's just dumb. You know what I mean? If she's not going to work with you on this, then again, I don't see the point in having this relationship because you're going to be stressed and upset and it's going to keep getting worse because you're never going to know when she's being honest. And you're also never going to know what secret things she needs to, to finish. Right.

And that's the thing is like, if, if someone doesn't know what they need to pleasure themselves, then how the fuck are you supposed to know that? Yeah. Do you want to meet? Cause like we subtly take clues from people. And that's usually in the,

in the form of, you know, someone breathing heavier or someone moaning louder, you know, shaking. There's things that we pick up with that we don't even sort of register in our mind while we're having sex and be like, okay, this is working. You do it. Sometimes verbal cues are super helpful and, you know, we've always encouraged it. So if someone is faking something, that is reinforcing that whatever you're doing is working. Yeah. There's no reason. She's basically doing the opposite that whatever you're doing is working. Yeah.

There's no basically doing the opposite and pointing you towards things that don't work. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. It's like, you know what I mean? Like if you started giving positive reinforcement for someone picking the

wrong answer, of course you can't, they get mad at them for not knowing what the answer is. Yeah. You can't be like, Oh, you're a fucking idiot. Even though every time you said this wrong answer i gave you a fucking cookie i gave you a

pluses all year in your exams but then when you did the state exam you failed everything because nothing you said all year was right you're the worst teacher ever miss miller how dare you i'm telling you now you're the worst teacher ever, Miss Miller. So, yeah, I really don't think there's much to salvage in this. That's kind of a statement that you can't really walk back. That's something that's going to be with you forever. But even just like the maliciousness behind it is probably just something you don't want to have in your life? Why would you want to date someone who will specifically go out of their way to hurt you in this way that they know is personal

and just the societal pressure around it. There's no way they don't understand that that's always going to be pressing down on you your whole life and they're taking advantage of that to hurt you in the middle of a fight just for funsies. You know what I mean? That's not the kind of person you want around you.

If they're going to go out of their way to fucking gouge you like this, I think they fucking suck. And I don't actually think it's worth continuing the relationship with. But if you do, you have to lay it down in no uncertain terms, what they did, why it was so fucked up, why you're upset. And then they need to tell you what they meant by what they said and if they didn't mean it then that's pretty fucked up and if they did it's still fucked up but they need to work with you to fix it and if none of those things happen then get out of the

relationship yeah and if she disparages you for being upset or being emotionally vulnerable or anything like that or starts bringing up how their her exes wouldn't have done whatever get out of the relationship you know what i mean like yeah this person's not fucking worth it yeah you need to understand that like if if those are her expectations of what she thinks a man is then you're fucked in no uncertain terms because you're going to be trying to fill these shoes that aren't authentic for you and also are fairly toxic in their manifestation. Men shouldn't be expected to fight on a stupid, drunken fight. We shouldn't be expected to just continue to argue with you because we are men.

When does the fight end? You're not allowed to ever end a fight until they do? That's wild. Yeah, it's so unhealthy and so fucking ass backwards in a society right now where we're trying to undo years of toxic socialization

about what it means to be a man to then be in a relationship of someone who's going to attack what sort of our our most vulnerable you know spot in our ego and then also reinforce these like horrible male stereotypes that like you should be aggressive and you should be this and you should be that it's it's so exhausting that i don't want you to waste any more time with this person like just fucking

move on i think is is the best is the best case scenario here and i know it's tough two years is a long time to be with someone but it it's it's not a good someone to be with i don't think fuck this person and by that i mean do not have sex with them don't carry this with you i know it's going to be difficult understand that what she said she said in anger and she said while she was intoxicated and people say all kinds of terrible shit when they want to hurt people yeah she also wanted to hurt you regardless of whether she faked it or not that doesn't really have any bearing on how you should deal with this going forward because if she was faking it then that is a fault of her own as well she could

have talked to you about it she could have figured out a way to work with you and she didn't so this isn't necessarily anything about you it's the fact that you guys together did not work and it's pretty clear that like together you guys don't work because of this whole situation so that's not to expect that like you and another person will have the same result. I'm sure you and another person will have a much better sexual chemistry. And if for whatever reason, whatever you're doing isn't working, they'll tell you or the work with you. And they hopefully won't lash out and try to hurt you just because they're drunk. It just sucks. This person is a terrible person. I'm sorry to deal with that. This is by Thrare Lost and Hurt.

My boyfriend just compared my chest to my sister's. Hi. This is my first time posting it on mobile. I, 20-year-old female, have my boyfriend, 21-year-old male, say something about my sister's chest size and why I'm really hurt. For context, we were having a great night and he was asking how much he thought my boobs weigh. So I googled what they might and told him. He followed it with, I wonder how much your sister's boobs weigh. She has some knockers. And I just stopped and felt really insecure and jealous he was thinking of her chest.

He then got really upset with me for starting to cry, so I'm going to our mom's to clear my head. I'm just wondering if I overreacted or what I should even do. I love him so much, and it felt like a knife in the heart. Don't ever date anyone who calls breasts knockers. Hey, that's a whole half the world, Dane. Yeah, I could strongly say that half the world shouldn't be dated.

You can only say Mahonglahongas or Baps. I will accept pretty much anything other than knockers. To use it as seriously, I've said knockers when I'm like pretending to be a fucking yokel. You know what I mean? Like, but to someone to genuinely say the word knockers to another human being while talking about their sister. I mean, I can picture this guy.

Like I, I can see him in my head and he's so fucking dumbfounded by why she's upset like this guy probably has no idea you know what i mean like i'm sure he probably went on like facebook or you know whatever fucking like aol messenger whatever he's using to contact his friends um and and was like my my girlfriend's fucking crazy i you know complimented his her sister's tits or sorry knockers and she's upsetting me like what the fuck this is crazy she's such a crazy bitch i bet you like that is what his like internal monologue was it's just such a wild thing to to say um also just like firstly to go from like hey i wonder how much your boobs weigh to being like hmm i wonder how much your sister's boobs weigh it's like what

are you doing man that's the thing it's like does it have ages on this yeah he's 21 this this person is so immature and like i could get one thing if like, if this was a bit, you know what I mean? Like if you were joking about this or like, maybe I could get it. You know what I mean? Like if you were playing a character of being such a fucking buffoon, that this is something that you would like,

but like to do this seriously, just. So I'm assuming in his defense,'s gonna be like i didn't say anything about them i just said they were big or that they weigh more and like they do i wasn't saying they were good but like boobs are like dicks in that like societal society wise like people are you know big boobs are better and all that shit so it's like yeah if she if she turned to you and was like god i wonder uh what your brother's dick is like yeah exactly it's like, yeah, if she, if she turned to you and was like, God, I wonder what your brother's dick is like.

Yeah, exactly. It's like he has some shaft down there. I bet he's got some donger. Oh, what are these

dangly dongers like? Like, yeah, it's like, it's, that's a great, like, I think this is

what you have to do. Be like, Hey, how much do you think a dick weighs? And then like, if you have, if he has like an attractive friend or a brother or whatever, be like, how much do you think? Because I feel like his dick's probably bigger than yours. And see how that fucking goes over.

Because I'll tell you right now, probably not well. Yeah, not at all well. And, like, that's, if he gets, like, upset, which he already did, I guess, if he needs you to explain this to him that's a pretty good way to do it but also i don't know to get upset at you then as well he sounds like also maybe a lost cause it's just like an episode of lost causes yeah maybe but yeah i feel like that's a good way to to turn it around and kind of explain where you're coming from because I'll bet you all the money that he would not appreciate that. No, not at all. Not at all.

Man, who says knockers? Really? You know what? That's the thing. Maybe this guy doesn't give a shit about shape or perkiness or whatever. All he cares about is weight. I'm a double D he's like no no no how much do they weigh i don't give a fuck about the size of them if you got an a cup but

somehow weighs 70 pounds you got them heavy nipples maybe that's it man yeah everyone's into something he's like i want to be fucking crushed if my ribs aren't fucking bruised by you just dropping your fucking heavy ass knockers on me maybe that's why he calls them knockers yeah okay let's end this boy

you want some tinders? yeah maybe a couple tinders pick 1,2,3,4,5 well first explain what the hell we're talking about at the end of the episode we do yeah i know i got all my words into one there at the end of every episode we like to review online dating profiles uh submitted to us by you guys um this week i think is exclusivelyant Heart, and we comb them for red flags. I'm just going to start from the start.

Fuck this picking bullshit. I don't have Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook. I work long hours in construction. I own makeup. I really don't utilize it. I pay my own bills and look after myself. What do you offer? Damn.

This a lady? Mm-hmm. What's her knocker situation? Well, weight-wise, I'm not quite sure. They didn't put it on the profile so for some reason can we all start doing that by the way can that be a new thing where it's just like my tits way x yeah yeah hell yeah but i think for dudes it's got to be like ball weight just yeah ball weight because like you know why not um is energy. I don't want to deal with, I don't like it.

One aggressive to like, what do you offer? Like, what do you say? What do you say when you message this, this wonderful person, Dan, what do you offer?

But here's the thing. It's like, that's sort of like the unspoken deal of, of dating is sort of like, this is what I have to offer. And this is what you have to offer to flat. I would say it kind of takes the fun out of dating well also it also makes it super transactional that's the thing

because like what you have to offer isn't so easily like yeah it's not a laundry list of shit you know if i'm like i have a car and an apartment it's like cool if you want to choose based on that you suck and so does this relationship so it's like you know what do you gonna be like i'm kind and i make a nice dinner and i have friends it's like no that's the things you find out like you don't i don't know why i age terribly when i said that um a feeble old man yeah i'm giving'm giving this a four. I'm doing a three. You know what? I think I'm always going to rate either a three or a seven. That's fair. Although you usually rate less than a

three and higher than a seven. Or a zero or a ten. Tree emoji. Fart emoji? But I assume maybe it's wind emoji? I always think of it as fart. Either way, tree emoji, fart emoji, home baddie, nails being painted emoji, goofball at heart, nerdy glasses face emoji, banter expertise, hammer emoji, money emoji, independent, all capital letters with a space between each word. Another money emoji.

How are we doing so far? I mean, I do want to let you know that the tree and the blow thing is weed. Oh man. I'm so not cool. It's not tree farts. It's not tree farts, man. I fucking love the way that trees make oxygen.

Maybe she loved. I thought it was like a nature thing, but it usually, it's usually like a weed thing. Home baddie, uh, looking for a genuine connection and good vibes sorry six foot plus simply because i'm a tall female five seven short guys don't cut it for me no offense cuties heart hey at least she acknowledges that us short folk are cuties

oh do you put you right in this 10 no no i'm gonna give this a three as well i'm giving this like a two because just the firstly wind fart or tree farts that's confusing uh home baddie this is heather er nurse new to the city i think humanity is probably doomed at this point so why not hook up that's a pretty cool thing to say as an er nurse but hey you know what that's those are the kind of people i think i trust the most the people who realize that we're doomed but still do their best to help you know i mean so i'm gonna give this a seven that's an a for me this is laura satanic feminist satanic feminist i see a bad moon See the Plague on the Way, but this time I have enough vodka. Black Lives Matter, All Cops are Bastards, English, French, Polish, Spanish.

Is the I See a Plague on the Way, is that part of the Doors lyrics? Sorry, did you say the Doors? Yeah. Is it the Doors? It's not the Doors. I See a Bad Moon Rising, I See the Plague on the Way. It's Creedence Clearwater Revival. Oh, I thought it was Doors.

Fucking fool. god damn it get out you get a zero out of ten for me what's that no it's trouble on the way okay so i think they're trying to do a funny remix to it's it it's getting a five for me it's pretty lackluster yeah i mean i don't hate it all right but i am going to give it a three because it doesn't do it for me. Yeah, I don't know. I don't love it. Now, this is an energetic one. This is Zaf.

Must enjoy eating pussy if we have sex. All capitals. I want respectful, warm, kind, and fun. Will let me take the lead in sex. Horror sci-fi. Active and healthy lifestyle. Geeky and nerdy. Solo or one-on-one sports. BJJ. Kinky Dom. Easy going. the lead insects, horror sci-fi, active and healthy lifestyle, geeky and nerdy, solo or

one-on-one sports, BJJ, kinky dom, easygoing, outdoorsy, no tree farts here, just trees, adventurous, total opposite of a homebody, love going, dance emoji, festivals and conventions, I'm an intellectual and people who can stimulate my mind, heart brain it must be an ongoing meaningful connection looking for ongoing only no one time hookups you know I don't hate this despite your despite the steez you're putting on it what steez

it's I'm reading out the capital letters okay you want me to just read it normally real boring like uh no I I appreciate a lot of this. There was something in there that like, really, I was just like, oh, the like, I think the fact that she's sort of, you know, declaring the fact that she's a dom and she prefers to take the lead.

It's like, I'm okay with that. I think a lot of people might be like, turned off by it. Respectful, warm, kind and fun sex. And you must enjoy eating pussy. I think that's all fucking awesome. She gets an A from me. I'm not putting any steez on. I'm reading out capital letters, you asshole. Whatever you say. Steezy.

It's an A from me. It's a 7 from me. Alright. Thank you, everybody. Thank you, Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities for their Tinder profiles. Just fucking going for it. For their song Paper Stars. I want to get the energy that you never know when i'm going to thank josh eagle that's fair all right i feel like i throw it in

i also put it in the exact same weird tone every week so you never know if you just copy and paste it i do he said it once he said in the very first episode thank you very much for listening i i really hope when this comes out we find ourselves in a slightly more hopeful world. Um, I don't know if that's even possible, but, uh, we'll be okay.

Regardless, whatever happens, we'll be okay. We'll work together. We'll, we'll fight the good fight whenever it needs to be fought. Uh, and I believe in you and I love you.

Yeah. We got your back anyway. If someone says something mean to you, let us know. We'll fucking beat the shit out of them. Can we say that? I just did. Damn it. Okay. Yeah, I guess.

If you're being bullied, we'll bully them so badly. We literally did this today on Facebook. We bullied a kid so badly that he erased himself from existence. That's true. Not that he killed. I don't want to say that he killed himself. Jesus. He just blocked us and deleted all of his comments. Yeah, but to be fair, he also was saying

some really horrible things that would probably get him in a lot of trouble if they remained up. So it was a smart move on his behalf. Exactly. And that's my point. If people are saying terrible things to you, we'll get them. We'll get you back. We love you.

We'll also say love hugs. Yeah. Where we are your support Canadians as people have been doing on the internet. We're here for you. We have been your assigned support Canadians. If you want to send us a question for us to answer on the podcast, you can hit us up on a variety of different means.

You can find us on Facebook at FCK buddies podcast. You can find us on Twitter at FCK underscore buddies. You can hit us up on Gmail at F buddies podcast at gmail.com, or you can find us online at F buddies podcast.com or plenty of beef.ca. Hell yeah. Ready for some bad sex writing? Yes. Now this is a little different.

Do you know Emily Radajowski? I don't think so. She was, she came to fame after dancing in a state of undress for the song blurred lines. Oh, okay. Yeah,

sure. So lately she's been, I think she released a book or something about kind of like all the shitty things that she's been through as a result a book about kind of like all the shitty things that she's been through as a result of like having been a female who took her clothes off in the media and just kind of like the treatment she's gotten ever since and she's also done a bunch of like pretty cool things on twitter in terms of like posting out against uh shitty female treatment um and she called out someone um i think fuck which article was it um oh yeah french marie claire you know the magazine yes so she tagged them in a article

they wrote about her and she was just like what the fuck's wrong with you guys um so i think i'm gonna read that out okay in new york or paris you often come across models, huge creatures who, whatever their ethnic origin, seem to all look much more alike to each other than to anyone else, like they belong to a different subspecies of homo sapiens. But Emily Radajewski is different, the sexiest version of a creature right in our side of humanity. She was admittedly blessed with the most perfect breasts of her generation. What sets her apart, and I've heard it in several cultural contexts, from my friends

in Brooklyn to the 87-year-old writer I play chess with at Paris, and even my 81-year-old father who lives in New Jersey, that is indeed her personality. It might sound silly to say for someone whose lifestyle is largely a choreographed performance for some 18 million devotees, but it does feel truly genuine. She doesn't take herself seriously. She's not cold and elaborate like Beyonce or tricked out like Kim Kardashian. Her sexuality is omnipotent and animal. Most of it discovered in the video of an unthinkable hit in this post-MeToo era. Robin Thicke's blurred lines. Pretty girls were dancing topless there, and Radajewski, with her insecure but all the more endearing steps, stole the show.

The day I read she was a fan of Chilean novelist Roberto Bellano, my brain shorted. No matter how much she really took the time to read the 1300 pages, the mere fact she knew the name seemed unbelievable to me. If you have boobs, you can't read. Is this written by a man or a woman?

It is written by a man. Shocking. And we should probably end this. Yeah, thank you very much for listening. My name has been Dave Miller. And my name continues to be Niles bain we've been your fuck buddies