F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 112 - The XBox Live School of Parenting

Episode Date: November 23, 2020

We're just gonna let you listen to this podcast, but we're not giving it to you.  Please give us our podcast back now.  Topics include historical sex inventions, a reincarnated girlfriend, un-SIMPing your son, lock down lock out, a gift for future boyfriend(s).

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller. And my name is Niall Spain. And welcome to the podcast. We are your fuck Niall Spain. And welcome to the podcast. We are your fuck buddies.

That's the name of the podcast. We're a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and we turn them around and turn them into sexy, sticky situations. Simply put, we find questions online or through our wonderful, spectacular listeners and we endeavor to find an answer to them. And if we don't find an answer, you get your money back. But if at any future

point you have actually paid money for this, then the contract is null and void. Yeah. You get your money back. As of this recording, you get your money back. Now, considering we've put minus money, or we've gotten minus money out of this podcast, does that then mean that every time we don't answer a question, they need to pay us? Yes.

Perfect. No, I'm kidding. It's just going to throw us further into crippling debt. Perfect. I feel like I'm going to open up. I'm going to revisit one of our old segments to open us up. Because honestly. I really hope

it's sex headlines uh no it's it's you know when we used to do uh sex inventions every week um okay yeah we've we've come back to that so uh i don't know how to do this i don't know if i should just send you the pictures of it and let you describe it to the audience or whether i should describe it to you i literally have no idea what's happening, so I can't help you with that. Yeah, but I can send. Okay. This is a patent that was filed for, or filed, like, copywritten, I guess.

Like, it was patented in 1956. And it's called, quite beautifully, the Apparatus for Facilitating the Birth of a Child by Centrifugal force. Hell yeah. And it is literally a large wooden board that you strap a pregnant woman down on quite hard, actually.

There's straps everywhere. And that board is on a big circle, and that circle Yeah, I was just gonna say. It just flings you around and it just forces the baby out of you by flinging you. Well, when you were like say. It just flings you around, and it just forces the baby out of you by flinging you. Well, when you were like, oh, it has quite a few straps, I was like, yeah, I can guess by

what the fuck's gonna happen. Yeah. You're gonna need all the straps you can get. It's incredible, actually. What part of the apparatus catches the baby? They have trained doctors? Actually, there is no kind of catching mechanism

which is maybe why it didn't catch on if you'll excuse my pun um because it does seem rather more like fatal than i assume they wanted i mean what was the population situation back then were they trying to sort of like yeah maybe call the bit. Oh, it even says who it was invented by. It was invented by George B. Blonsky and, oh, Charlotte E. Blonsky. Oh my God, they're presumably married or brother and sister. And it came up with this wonderful idea. Do you think she delivered a baby in this fashion? I don't know. I'm going to send you a picture of this just so you can observe the glory that is this.

I thought you were going to talk about like the, the like generator sized electric dildo that they made way back when. No, no. But did you find out what chainsaws were originally made for? Did I find, was that homework? Was I supposed to do that? Yeah. I didn't know uh cutting babies out of women neat yeah just cutting right through the hip bone oh i see so that's just like

on an axis there and it just kind of just kind of fucking goes it just goes and it flings you oh yeah this so literally this has been a thing that people keep posting because i don't know no one knew and it's horrendous but yeah they were chainsaws were invented in 1970 sorry 1780 to make removal of pelvic bone easier and less time consuming during childbirth it was powered by a hand crank and you just fucking went at her so i'm assuming it's not the chainsaws we know and love currently i assume they're on a smaller scale i believe so yeah i think it looks more like a electric like uh one of those turkey carvers yeah exactly yeah okay that makes a bit more sense because i was like as far as i know the chainsaws we know are not

exactly a precision tool well it also was not a precision tool i can't imagine you could ever be precise with this thing considering like you're holding it in one hand you're hand cranking it like a motherfucker presumably with the other uh yeah i mean you've got to really be giving it a go to get through bone i assume yeah so there's a picture of a thing this is the are you doing the hand crank or the are you sending me the other oh yep Oh, yep, there it is. Doesn't look like you're getting some precise cuts with that. Yeah, no. No, not at all. We will be posting these on Instagram.

So you don't just have to listen to me send them today. Yeah, so if you see them before the episode goes up, and you're like, the fuck am I looking at? It'll all make sense. Will it? Are you ready to get into some questions yeah you're you ready i am i'm gonna throw this at you because it's i forgot i had it but it it's been rattling in my brain for a while now um this comes from reddit user throw run throw range the run a wrench Throw range. Throw range? Throw range? Like an orange?

No, I don't know. Throw range? Throw range, I think. Girl, 24 female. I'm, 22 male. Dating is quote unquote perfect. But convinced she is reincarnated African slave from the 1800s. So much so that she claims to relate to African American issues today. Too weird to look past?

I can't. No. I put perfect in quotes to make a title short, but she's not perfect, but really, really great. After a few months at least. She is 100% that she was a slave that was kidnapped from Africa and worked at a plantation in the South until she was killed

by the plantation owner's son to hide a sexual assault and pregnancy. I try not to judge her for this. I want to believe in aliens and ghosts, but don't really. So I know people want to believe the stuff that makes the world a little bit more odd than it is. When it becomes weird is that she really takes on African-American issues as if they were her own. I mean, it's one thing to support Black Lives Matter, but she actually says things like, this has never gotten better since we were forced to be here.

She has never said things like this in public, but some of her Instagram posts get really close to saying, I'm one of you. My mom really likes her, which is very rare. And her advice is that my girlfriend will grow out of this. Kind of like astrology. But otherwise, she is a really good person, so don't do anything drastic. I know this is reasonable, but I'm afraid she's going to blurt out something stupid and get us beat up or ostracized. What do you guys think about this? Firstly, have you seen people who are into astrology?

It just gets worse when they get older. Yeah, that's not really something. That's when they start entering like the crystal buying phase yeah if you guys were like 12 i'd be like okay even then she saw something on netflix or the you know and she's desperate for attention or or something you know suffering a very very severe amount of white guilt and she's trying to justify it whatever but a 22 year old like i don't think this is going away yeah that's that's a wild thing it's also very offensive right like there's no kind of like oh it's not harmful it's pretty fucked up i'm assuming she's so white i'm assuming

she's had has to be just like as white as you can be so it never mentions that her race but i assume the problem is that yes she is white because it would be not that bad if she wasn't yeah yeah i mean i mean no i apologize it would still be it wouldn't be if she was black you say it wouldn't be bad no it like it wouldn't be as bad if she was an african descendant but um to be a white person and claim the decades and centuries of mistreatment as your own she's like cultural appropriation to the next level like holy shit she's just like no i'm not like i'm not like you i am you yeah and like there's there's one thing to be said about empathy like if if you want to be empathetic and sort of like, I mean,

anytime one of the terrible things happens in the news and you see it, it's like, it's hard for a normal human being to not be like crushed by it. But as a white person, I know that that does not resonate the same way as if I were a person of color or a person of the same, anyone person who's being prosecuted.

Yeah. Like it's, it's very, very easy for me to recognize that. Yeah. Yeah. So I feel like you've got to destroy this image and you've got to do that by making,

by doing a lot of research into those days and then grilling her massively on what she remembers and if she misremembers anything like if she says something that's historically incorrect she's like i've proven that you're you're wrong however she gets everything right maybe it's true maybe it's true right that doesn't help that you would then have to hold that everyone is as versed in history as you. Because I imagine this could get very messy if you guys are at a bar. Yeah. That also seems like the exact. Like, have you talked to her?

Yeah. This is like a sit down conversation. And this is one that like you don't really get to pussyfoot around. No. You pretty much have to sit down and be like what you're doing is completely inappropriate and whether you believe it or not and whether you're you know it's like you can't expect society especially at this point in time to be okay with a white person claiming to have lived through the horrors of slavery and all the discrimination

all the persecution all of the like just absolute nightmares that other people and other ethnicities have lived through you just can't do it like and like she needs to understand that yeah and that's the thing it's like if she starts getting upset that you're doubting her and whatever like it doesn't even have to be about you it's like it doesn't matter if you believe her or not or she believes or not no one else either one will or two should have to and like they shouldn't have to have this wild belief with no context just to not be offended by the very offensive thing she's doing even if it was possible even if it was whatever like you cannot expect random people who don't know you to take that in any way other than a fucked up offensive way which is fair and like that's kind of the only point that matters it doesn't fucking matter if you believe it or if she believes it or if it's possible if it's not

possible because if any of those things were the case then it wouldn't be as offensive and it is very offensive and you just cannot go through life doing that and you can like stress that like even like if she does want to continue to believe this and if she is adamant or whatever and it's like she agrees that like you know this isn't something that should be in the public sphere it It's like you can, as a white person, still contribute your voice to these problems. It is just the way in which you use your voice. And that is to say, don't claim you are an ethnicity that you are not. And even on a like broader level, don't make it about you when it's not. Yeah, I'm sure it's some kind of like or i i don't know maybe it is

some kind of like way for her to not feel as guilty or to feel like she really can participate without having to deal with the awkward realization that they are in fact white and privileged and probably in a lot of ways contributing to the problem like not necessarily like openly or maliciously but it's like you know you participate in structures of society that are you know bad towards certain races and etc you know and maybe it's a way to deal with her guilt or to feel genuine in her participation but that doesn't fucking matter because this shouldn't be about easing your way into it and we can put aside like you know we've we've we've, I think, pretty thoroughly dissected that this is not OK to do as a as a social being. But like, there could also be a chance there's something a little bit more serious, like

this could just be schizophrenia or, you know what I mean? Like some sort of other mental illness rearing its ugly head that's being filtered through the lens of like the current social climate. Now, Dane dane i feel like you like to say mental illness a lot and in the answers that we give out and this is one of the times i do agree with you what a lot of a lot of people have really bizarre views you know what i mean like some people truly believe that we hex the moon and that we pissed off a greek god and that's gonna make the fucking pandemic worse

you know what i mean yeah so it's like i i don't know i wanted to say at the start like this person is not all there but a lot of people believe in shit like that so and i don't necessarily believe i don't know i was looking at a name generator earlier and it was like Pathfinder, D&D, and then name your fursona. And I was like, well, some people think they're furries. Yeah. You know, and there's nothing wrong with that. We've participated in Fursona Fridays for some reason on Twitter. Hell yeah, we have.

So, yeah, you got to talk about it. But I honestly don't think this is the kind of thing you can look past. You know what I mean? Yeah, no know no this is it has to stop or you guys need to stop i really don't think you could date a and it gets worse the older you are as well like as an idiot 12 year old saying something like that versus a 20 year old saying something like that versus a 40 year old saying something like that you know what i mean and you're not gonna there's no way you can't be smeared by association you know what i mean like if i was dating a massive racist that makes me a massive racist you know what i mean like

it's like supporting trump you can't be like oh i support the hell out of him but not like you know somehow i'm also not supporting the fact that he's a racist homophobic bigot you know like it's kind of a parcel deal so sure she might you know you might get her over the i was an african slave hump but like is she gonna do it again the next time there's like another social sort of like big social change happening like is she now going to be like oh i'm a i'm a trans woman from the 1980s like how like when does it stop and it's it's i i wouldn't wager that it would stop she's and that would be enough for me to be like ah sorry like if this is how you want to go about your life and this is how you want to

project yourself in a in a social way i i can't be a part of it like the doctor who of uh like fucking suffering Olympics you name it she's been it the ultimate sjw that i mean like that's what i'm worried about it's just sort of like if at some point in time you're out with your friends and you know someone's talking about a struggle they're going through or you know i mean like a historic struggle that whatever you know whether they're a gay person or or a lesbian or you know trans whatever um and then she'd be like oh i know isn't it the like i i can't believe we had to go through that like to live on those eggshells and like that sort of like oh man the second anyone says

something she might be like tell me about it and like the worst thing being it's going to be the more intense personal like horrible things presumably like the stuff that really means something not just like i like horses i used to be a jockey you know or maybe hey maybe she'll get to that point too but it sounds like she's doing it on the dramatic shit currently and that's the stuff that will really hurt somebody yes so and your relationships with those people so yeah i would i would cut ties with this and be like hey when you figure your shit out when you realize that you're a white person regardless of who you were in your past lives uh you know maybe give me a call but until then i i cannot be associated

with someone who is going to trivialize uh past and present struggles yeah no that is not cool all right hear me all right so i think this is the first time that we've gotten a yahoo answers question ever yeah um so this is from ben the wizard can't off twitter uh who posted it and and allowed us to to steal it off them as quick as possible uh so yeah off yahoo answers and I think this actually ties in. This is anonymous. And it's asked in pregnancy and parenting, adolescent. Any ideas for how I can red pill my son and make him based?

My 16 year old son is embarrassed when I try to talk games with him. I try to help avoid SJW shit, but it's not easy. Sorry, shite. But it's not easy, especially not with a wife who don't care about games at all. I don't want my son to end up

as a soy boy simp. What if video games and like social issues have to do with anything? I don't understand. Like that's, I mean, there's a lot wrong and going on in this question, but I don't

understand why like it's hard to avoid because my wife doesn't game at all yeah it's like okay cool but like that doesn't really have anything to do with any of the other things you're complaining about yeah also he's like i try to talk to him but he's just not red pill enough to enjoy game it's like what we're both massive gamers and hopefully as far from red pills you could get yeah i feel like are you having a tough time like dealing with games with your son or are you just having a tough time because your son isn't shit like you are i mean like that's what it sounds like it sounds like he's like he really wants to get on xbox live and like you know insult people's mothers and use homophobic slurs and use racial slurs and the son is just like dad

you need to fucking chill yeah like you can't do this man when the dad says he wants to talk games he just wants to do halo online like the way it was back in like the 2000s where it was just a non-ending stream of the most horrible things you could say to a human i mean i've been playing rainbow six and it hasn't gotten much better man So how does he make his pill As a kid more red pill I think what you need to do is you need to lock him Into like Call of Duty

Like you have to be like hey man you cannot Fucking leave this room or eat Until you beat Or like achieve this rank in Call of Duty Or like win this many war zones You know what I mean like Like really make them love it. And it's sort of like that clockwork orange scene, right?

You, you strap them in there and you, you, you put someone in media long enough and they'll start to just kind of absorb it. Well, and you'll, he'll be saying all sorts of terrible shit.

I feel like we can combine the first two things that happened in this podcast into one beautiful solution here. terrible shit in no time i feel like we can combine the first two things that happen in this podcast into one beautiful uh solution here so one you strap them into the centrifuge machine and you fill a room a circular room with screens of nothing but you know duck dynasty ice road truckers i'm assuming these are all anti-SJW shit. I've never watched either show. Or whatever. Like a fishing channel. You know what I mean?

Trump speeches. And you spin him around. And the spinning will actually suck. He's not pregnant, obviously. Because he's a man. Obviously. So I'm trying to be a douchebag like this question asked here. And it'll suck the SJW right out.

Meanwhile, you also construct a past life he had as an oppressed white person. You construct it? Much like our last question, where the person had constructed this false narrative,

you give them a false narrative of an oppressed white person from the, I don't know, 2000? Oh, I see i see what you're saying i got you so they can be like things haven't gotten any better for us right yeah yeah yeah he can be like i can't believe i have to wear a mask oh my exactly right you could like they could construct someone from last year who died in 2019 who somehow they lived a dual life who was there and witnessed the chinese constructing this fake virus with all the socialists in america yeah uh yeah steal the election i can't is sitting there in china being like yes make it get the red states i cannot get

i can't keep doing this just how about don't be a shit dad i mean i think that's past the point of no return i think this man is hopefully it sounds like the wife is or the mother is you know on the opposite end i i feel like this kid is growing up with two cartoon like an angel and a devil on the shoulder yeah and one is just being like hey don't be terrible the other one's like you know say the n-word on Xbox, do it! Like, maybe actually look into what you're doing and figure out that red pill was from a movie about, like, you know, social justice, effectively,

where it's like you were fighting for the downtrodden against, like, the people that would have you live a certain way, and also that they were people who then transitioned who made the movies and went on to make a bunch of really positive stuff like sense8 which is again the complete opposite of red pill like maybe look into that whole thing and realize that your bullshit like psychology is built on just missing the mark so many times. I would love to know if,

cause like the Wachowski's came out later and said like, Oh, you know, the, the whole matrix was like a trans allegory. I would love to know. I like, I think that's a bit of a stretch when you watch it.

You're like, I don't really see it, but okay. Um, but I wonder if they said that just to fuck with the red pill community, just to be like, Hey guys, we're just going to like,

take your, the base of your fucking thing. And we're just going to fuck it up. Um, cause it's like, I imagine it must suck to be like, you might just be the Wachowski's and being like, yeah,

damn, our cool fucking, like the, the whole lore that we made about this fucking world has now been twisted into this stupid bullshit. Again, like by just missing the mark all the time like just completely wildly being like unintelligent it's like what wait

you mean this right um what i do love and i think we shared on twitter a while ago was elon musk tweeted out who like just sucks more by the day but he tweeted out being like oh red pill something and ivanka trump commented being like you know it and they commented just being like fuck you both you suck so hard the wakase yeah like instantly it was so good but yeah don't be a shit parent like if you want to play games with your son cool play games with your son that's amazing talk games with your son but like don't make it about this other thing that has no bearing on that if your son wants to be a good person great like is he hurting anybody no presumably do you want him to hurt someone yeah presumably but why like i don't understand why you'd be so insecure as to let this dumb psychology you buy into cripple your relationship

with your son who apparently seems to be growing up quite well the best thing is i bet this guy's like i don't want my kid to be a pussy i want him to like plow chicks but it's like in current climate him this kid is probably far more attractive to other people because he's not a piece of shit. You know what I mean? Like, that's the thing that always makes me laugh is like all these people who talk about like all this macho bullshit. It's like,

that's, that's kind of like prehistoric now. Like no one, no one wants that. I mean like, yes, there are still some people out there who fucking, but like,

it's kind of like a character at this point, right? Where like, if you did act like that, you get laughed out of the room. Yeah, like people want other people, specifically men who are like socially conscious. Well, it's kind of like Cobra Kai, where like the evil like dojo leader guy, I forget his name, is basically like he epitomizes all that stuff from so long ago and it constantly bites him the ass and he's just like a joke to everybody else you know what i mean yeah and they do it quite

well because he is still like a redeemable character but like he is ridiculous yeah that like that's what i feel like most of the fucking Red Pill community is, is fucking Johnny from Cobra Kai. Yeah. Like adult Johnny from Cobra Kai, who just like, they have their fucking blinders on. They haven't been able to see anything else going on in the world for the past 30 years. And just like, don't understand why everyone laughs at them. Yeah. So just like, don't push your shitness on your son. Don't cripple your

relationship because you can't get your head around one fucking issue. Like, is it more important than your relationship with your son? And if so, you shouldn't be his dad. And if it isn't, then fucking forget about it. Let him grow up right and just focus on games together. Yeah. Unfortunately,

I don't think, like, the solution here has nothing to do with the sun it has nothing oh no it has everything like this dude like literally needs to like in order for us to like have any bearing on or advice for this guy he literally has to like reconstruct his entire like world worldview yeah which unfortunately probably not gonna happen so hopefully my advice here is hey kid stick, stick with your mom. Yeah. She seems to be... Now the only thing I'm worried about is the only info we have on the mom is she doesn't

like games, which ain't great. To be... But think of the other side. He said that his son doesn't like games and he's terrified that he's going to turn into a soy boy. So I'm assuming that like not liking games means... I thought his son liked games, but they just can't talk about games together.

Oh, I got the hint that like he didn't like games. And that's what that's like the big troublesome. Like he's worried that his son doesn't want to play games. And that's going to be the downfall. Yeah, no, he just says he's embarrassed when I try to talk games with him. But what I'm wondering is like what red pill ass games is he trying to talk about? Try to help him avoid SJW shite. Like what SJW games are there?

You know what I mean? Like it's probably The Last of Us 2. I promise you it's The Last of Us 2. Maybe. But like the amount of people that have like gotten so angry at The Last of Us 2 because there are gay characters and trans characters and a woman who is strong yeah like physically strong like

the amount of people who are like losing their fucking mind over this is insane yeah and i promise you i i can almost guarantee you that's the game he's playing he walked in and was like why are there two chicks kissing why is that chick fucking jacked as hell lifting things that a man should lift maybe but like the weird thing is i feel like most games are pretty left wing in that like you're usually standing up for you know the people who are downtrodden you're usually fighting against like fascist things um you know aside from like like guns everywhere uh everything like most media kind of falls on the left side of things oh yeah it could be wrong or this might be just a massive generalization but like no most

popular media especially video games yeah like i was i was talking to someone about it the other day where i was just like man i can't imagine being a racist and trying to like enjoy anything because like anytime you have a real shit character in a video game. Who's like a racist or a homophobe. It's like that dude's going to get fucked up most likely. He might do some terrible shit throughout the game. That you might want to cheer for or whatever. But like at some point in time.

Your character is going to destroy that person. Yeah. Or the whole narrative is about like look at this lunatic. Like any of the far cry games there are so many people like on the right who i imagine would look at like the bad guys in the far cry game and be like hell yeah those are the those are the heroes but like imagine just being a piece of shit and playing video games and like being like god damn it i'm the bad guy again but like i'll bet these people don't realize somehow they look at the main character

who's the hero and they go that's me and then the bad guy is like i'm a piece of shit and they're like this seems familiar not sure why yeah i i just like even just like people who actively believe you know who are you know straight up super racist It's like very rarely do you watch a TV show where a racist is painted in a good light. No, thank fuck. But yeah, I mean, thankfully, I wonder, do they secretly root for those people? And they're like really sad when they lose?

Or again, is it just as weird? Because I feel like you have to be able to do so much mental, like crazy mental gymnastics to exist as someone who's super bigoted because if like again like even if you watch like star wars or something like the allegories are all like the good guys all represent like left-wing values you know what i mean no one's like i'm fighting so that no one has health care what like you know what i mean it's like i'm gonna free these people they're free and have healthcare and like we look after each other we need to stop that now like that doesn't fucking happen so it's like how do you watch these things and always the good guys

support the opposite values to you and then when in real life people support those you're like what assholes like how do you live life like that i feel like even there's just this self-delusion where you like go i'm a good guy therefore i represent what i like rep i'm represented by good guy even though your values are completely misaligned i mean like yeah i imagine it must be some sort of like weird fucking warping of because like again no one thinks they're the bad guy you know what i mean like the villains at least in good you know media literature and movies and stuff like the villains believe they're the good guys at the store yeah um so it's like i guess that's kind of what it like i guess they just kind of see it as entertainment they watch it and they're

like yeah i'm the good guy i'm fighting the bad guys and i and i think you're right it's just I guess they just kind of see it as entertainment. They watch it and they're like, yeah, I'm the good guy. I'm fighting the bad guys. And I, and I think you're right. It's just sort of like me, good guy, then guy.

Yeah. And it's just sort of like that, that is the distinction where it's like, yeah, they, they slot themselves in, in, in good and bad, as opposed to like actually looking at the,

with the views or the message. It doesn't go any deeper deeper than that which makes sense when you see a lot of the shit they believe such as stop the count no looking deeper there I gave you a good guy you gave me a good guy give me a good guy be a good guy see a good guy

alright we've been on this for too long yeah okay here we go don't be a shit dad this comes from a throwaway account on Reddit. I, a 32 year old male came home after work when my girlfriend, 28 year old female asked me not to because her assault survivor friend, twenties female,

uh, was there. Girlfriend won't speak to me and I could use advice on how to proceed. This is a bit of a long one, but it's, it's an interesting one. My girlfriend, for two years, recently got a new job and made friends with

a co-worker named Kim. Several years ago, Kim was assaulted, and due to that, she's afraid of being in closed spaces with men where she feels she can't get away. My girlfriend told me all this a few months ago when she mentioned having Kim over to hang out. I told her if they wanted to hang out, it was cool with me. Just do it on a day that I have off so I can make plans and be away from the house.

Last night when I got off work at midnight after working overtime, I had a text from my girlfriend saying Kim was over. They had some wine and asking if I could go somewhere for a few hours while Kim sobered up enough to drive home. It's midnight during a pandemic. Everything's closed. Also, it was 30 degrees Fahrenheit, which is minus one degrees Celsius. So not like I could hang out in a park somewhere. I called my girlfriend and let her know that there's nothing I can go to or there's nothing I can do at midnight when it's freezing. And said if she could grab my heavy coat and throw together a snack and put it by the back door.

I grabbed it when I got home and read my book by the gas fire logs on the back porch. Girlfriend said, just knowing I was there would freak Kim out. I offered to pay for an Uber to get Kim home. But Kim didn't want to do that. And girlfriend wasn't good to drive Kim home. Since she was also drinking. By this time I was already home. So I asked my girlfriend to bring my coat.

And a snack. And put it on the back porch. But she was adamant that would freak out Kim. My truck was low on gas. So I couldn't sit in the driveway and idle for a few hours. I finally just went in the back door. Went to the hall closet. And grabbed my coat. Kim saw me and a few hours i finally just went in the back door went to the hall closet and grabbed my coat kim saw me and started crying and basically having a panic attack i went to the kitchen grabbed a snack from the refrigerator and went

to the back porch i hung out in the back porch until 4 a.m when kim finally left girlfriend is spitting mad at me and we're not in speaking terms from girlfriend's perspective to be fair to her she probably feels like her friendship with kim is damaged like kim might think she's a liar insensitive or even that she has me come in just to fuck with Kim. And I understand why she might be angry at me from my perspective. What the fuck am I supposed to do when I'm told at midnight during a pandemic, when it's freezing cold outside,

not to come home. I feel like I did everything I could to compromise, but I don't feel like my girlfriend was willing to work with me or see my side. We've never had a fight like this. And she refuses to talk to me. I've apologized and asked to try to look at this from my point of view and asked what she thinks I should have done,

but she refuses to respond at all. I'm not sure what to do at this point and could use some advice on how to proceed. See, this sucks because even if you were told at like 3 o'clock currently, oh, don't come home, I would find myself with very little places to go during a pandemic, and that's during the day. You know what I mean?

I honestly don't know where. There's a few bars that do outdoor dining but like one it's fucking cold as shit and two it's like if i didn't have the money or desire to go sit in a patio and waste money what other fucking option do you have and that would be with the option whereas like at midnight depending on where you are most places are fucking closed now anyway so it's like that like what other choice do you have? You know, I feel like, like I don't want to necessarily,

well, I guess I am picking sides because I don't really think he was left with much in the line of like, you know, options. And also like, it is his house. It's his home.

It's like someone's issues. Like it's not his issue that they have issues. You know what I mean? If they have issues, it's like someone's issues like it's not his issue that they have issues you know i mean if they have issues it's it's kind of on them to make sure that they're somewhere like reasonably in a place that won't upset them right to a certain degree right like you have to take ownership of your own shit right so it's like if you know you're going somewhere and the very presence of that person might be you know enough to set you off.

That's not his fault for fucking existing, especially because you're going to their home. So presumably it would be on you to know when they're coming home, when they can reasonably stay out until and not get so drunk that you cannot leave, therefore forcing them to either come home and upset you or stay out in the cold. I would love to know what Kim does. Like, what is this job that you never encounter men? Yeah, that seems insane. I mean, like not to belittle, you know, PTSD and all that stuff.

That's fine. And like, you're allowed to have it. And, you know, unfortunately, it exists. But yeah, like what you said is like, if this is how crippling your PTSD is, is that like just seeing a dude walk into his own house for like three minutes while he grabs a coat and a snack so that he's going to sit in the backyard as to not upset you is enough to put you in a full

blown panic attack. Especially when presumably she was told about him being there, you know what I mean? Like unless the girlfriend decided to keep the entire conversation between them, which is her being a very shit host because it's like then it sounds like one she never even asked kim if there's a workaround right like if this whole thing happened

because kim turned around and all of a sudden there was a dude there that's not his fault and it's not kim's fault that's the host's fault yeah i 100 think that's probably what happened was that like he was like okay well i'm just gonna come in and grab my coat and the girlfriend was probably like no don't and he was like well and then i don't think she probably got a heads up this is uh like a classic case of working independently of each other in a relationship like this dude did everything he possibly could to make concessions and compromises and his girlfriend did not budge at all yeah it's like there's literally i can't think of anything to do even like let's remove the fact that it's a pandemic and let's remove the fact

that it was freezing at midnight you're asked to like and she stayed until 4 a.m so you have four hours to kill that's a lot like that's a long time to do especially after a long day at work and at midnight yeah so it's like okay maybe you go swing by a bar but it's like you can't drink that much he's driving so unless there's a bar right down the street okay fine but like okay it's just like now i'm forced to either nurse a pint for four hours in which case you're shit to all the serving and bartending staff or you're like gonna get hammered when you don't want to, cause you just want to go home. Yeah.

Or the alternative is like, what you're going to go sit in the park. It's like, that's a good fucking way to get mugged. Yeah. Or arrested. Yeah. Just chilling in a park for four hours.

Like nothing good's going to come out of that. Yeah. I feel like the fact that he was like, I will pay for the Uber to get her home. No. Okay. Well I'll chill in the backyard for four hours in the freezing cold by the logs and read a book no it's like that's that's a huge like i don't even think i would have offered that and i'm a pretty fucking lenient dude to be like yeah i'll

just sit in the back in the freezing cold for four hours yeah if it was like a 20 minute half an hour thing sure but again it's like this shouldn't be this person's problem you know what i mean like it completely sucks that kim is dealing with these things but like it's on kim and it's on the girl like the the level of responsibility fades the further out from kim this goes you know what i mean yeah um and like i don't want it to seem callous if i'm like you'll deal with your shit because obviously it's not that easy. But at the same time, it's like, if you know you have an issue that will affect you so badly, it's like you have to keep yourself safe, right? You can't just walk around and assume that things will kind of happen for you. So either she's being really irresponsible with herself or the host was being terrible in not giving her the adequate heads up for some reason i'm i'm willing to bet that it was more on the girlfriend's side

i feel like she probably didn't expressly say like oh hey kim my boyfriend will be home by midnight so like we got to keep it short or like i don't know he worked overtime so clearly he was gone long enough that you could have like yeah planned your night a little better and been like uber over here so you can uber home if we're going to be drinking like there's just so much that happened that shows no regard to this dude at all almost the opposite of regard if he'd gotten off early and this was the question then they'd have more of a leg to stand on sure yeah right but if like even if he'd gotten off at the exact time and this happened this would be still pretty fucked up even if it was like half

an hour i'd be like okay whatever but like you they're also the ones that drank to the point where they couldn't leave right presumably they were planning on leaving anyway because they knew he was getting off work at a certain time so it's like to get so drunk that you couldn't drive home for four hours like that's just a complete lack of just lack of regard and like it's kind of hard to feel anybody's side of the story when like it's already so flawed from the very start because clearly they didn't give a shit you know yeah like for me i just don't understand why kim didn't have the friend over you know i mean like if if you're if like your ptsd is that bad why would you put i mean like the whole thing doesn't make sense to me no so i but the the problem is like how do you

get back from this well you need to talk there's none of this like she won't talk to me bullshit you really need to sit down and be like look we need to talk and like i don't know what it is maybe it's like she needs a day or two to, you know, calm down or whatever. But like, you really do need to talk. And then I guess, like, it sounds like he's trying to do the right thing already, where it's like, what should I have done? You know what I mean? And get her to tell you what she thinks you should have done. Because if it is literally sit in a freezing cold car in a park for four hours, then your girlfriend sucks because that's pretty unrealistic. You know what I mean? And on top of that, maybe bring up the fact like, hey, why were you, why did you guys not have a plan for when I got off work? And like, cause there seems to be absolutely no consideration for you here. And just tell her, like, don't be afraid to hold your ground because like, if you break

up over this, then good. You know what I mean? Like if she's unwilling to see your side and is more than willing to be like, don't come to your own home for four hours, last minute notice, stay in the cold, lull by, and won't even work with you on these things. You know what I mean? It would be one thing if it was like a massive emergency, like Kim just can't go anywhere and she tried to make concessions. That would be a totally different situation, you know, especially if you then were like, I'm coming home anyway that's not the question the question is that you tried she didn't seem to care and it also could have been a very avoidable situation the like the situation or the compromises he listed were all the ones i thought like pay for

an uber home like yeah you know what if it's a male uber driver well i mean yeah i guess i guess that was probably that's a good point i didn't think about that but it's like but again like i don't want to be dismissive but that's the kind of thing you have to factor into leaving the house then right like you need to if you can't be in that situation you need to make sure you don't get in that situation right like if i was deathly allergic to wasps i didn't bring a fucking epi pen with me and i got stung by a wasp it's not my host's boyfriend's fault you know what i mean like yeah like i know i'm being a little flippant here but it's like you can't if you know that you need something make sure you get that something you

know what i mean don't put yourself at risk yeah there there definitely needs to be better planning in the next kim hangout to be like okay my boyfriend's working or like do what he asked he initially said hey do it on a day where i have the day off so i can make plans and take you know what i mean it's like okay cool so like you can go to i don't know i mean like even then pandemic it's like no but i mean like i don't know i guess no i don't know hang out with like his own friends maybe i don't know depends on what the the lockdown protocols are and what people are comfortable with right right? Either way, it's like, you guys need to talk.

And you need to, like, I would, like, don't be afraid of standing your ground, you know? I know a lot of the time in conversations like this, it's like, do I have a leg to stand on? Am I being a dick if I defend myself? But I don't think so in this situation. And regardless, you should put forward your case, they should put forward theirs, and you guys should work it out.

You know? There's, I know it's a simple fucking answer communication but you got to yeah you need to sit down and like do the okay when this arrives like if situationally this arises again what's our plan of action yeah you know i mean i find that like amanda and i've had those conversations where like if something you know goes so fucking wrong because of miscommunication or or whatever it's nice to like sit down and like have a course of action be like okay if this is happening let's have a plan of action so that one of us will hopefully recognize it's happening again it can be like put a stop to it or like have a word to be like okay let's take a breath you know what i mean it's like have that so it's like if this happens again you can be like i'm trying to compromise and i don't feel like you're yeah willing to meet me and it's like okay then hopefully that will be the phrase that like will pull you guys into

less like here's my side here's my side and more of a like what do we need to do together like i'm hoping that this person came to this from like a, a good, like, from a positive kind of, like, sense in that she was trying so hard to help her friend that, like, she was panicking and not thinking properly and, like, was so concerned about her friend's well-being that, unfortunately, she overlooked her boyfriend's and kind of fucked the whole thing up. And maybe that's why she's so angry. Yeah, and, like, she was drunk too, right? Yeah, yeah. So, like, hopefully that's where it came from but again it's like one you guys need to like she needs to realize where you're coming from and secondly it's like if you then have what dame was saying where like you know that's the issue and like maybe that will snap her out of that kind of like panic next time she'll be able to like

focus right yeah all right let's try to squeeze one. Do you have a quick one? Oh man, we only did like three, right? I know. Um, sure. This is by ThrawerALetter1. Girlfriend, 20 year old female, gave me, 20 year old male,

a letter she wrote when she was 14 to her future boyfriend, then asked for it back. Basically the title. She gave me a letter she wrote when she was 14 to her future boyfriend. It was very sweet and kind of funny. We read it together and I won't go into details,

but we laughed and smiled and it was a pretty heartwarming experience. When we were saying goodbye, she asked for it back. I asked why and she basically said, in case we break up, to give to her next boyfriend. Lol. It's kind of funny, but also should I be concerned? We've been together for like a year and a half and we're pretty young, so I'm not sure we're getting married yet or anything, but I still thought it was kind of weird but also should i be concerned we've been together for like a year and a half and we're pretty young so i'm not sure we're getting married yet or anything but still thought

it was kind of weird for it to say that i don't know so what are your thoughts i mean like i get it because it's you know it's something that she's probably like been holding on to and thinking about for a very long time and you don't want, you know, it is still a fairly new relationship and you're still fairly young. So like, I get it. Chances of this, like being a full-time thing, not the highest.

Yeah. But if you're gonna do something this romantic, you need to like have a bit more patience. You know what I mean? Like if, if you've got this letter that you want to give to your, you know, future partner, fucking sit on it for a while. Yeah, give it to them on your wedding day. Because let me tell you, it completely negates the point of it if you give it to every boyfriend.

And it's also like, it's kind of like it undercuts the sweet moment when you're like, oh my God, I love you. I'll blow them heads in my pants. If you, you know, this is boyfriend number four, you've shown it to. Yeah. And it's like, you're going to get bored of it. Or like, you know, you're going to accidentally one time be like, oh, weird. Yeah, I've read that before. Yeah.

What? It's like, oh yeah, I know the third person I showed it said the same thing. It's like, wait, how many people have you shown this this is my everyone letter yeah it doesn't really seem like it's like oh dear future boyfriend it's just like dear boyfriends of the future dear man i fucked i mean like again i i understand why you'd be like well i'd like to hold on to it but like don't like maybe just be like wait for your like if you really wanted to show it to him don't give it to him yeah you could be like you could be at your place and be like hey look at this letter i found and you read it haha funny and then fold it up and put it away yeah

don't be like hey i want you to read this oh thank you now give it back that's a weird thing to do yeah because it's funny like i understand where she's coming from obviously it means a lot to her and like it's sweet that she gave it to him. I also think it's sweet that like, she can straight up be like, just in case we break up, because that's kind of like the level of confidence and like comfort in the relationship to admit that, like, I find like, ironically, admitting that probably means they're pretty good right now. You know, because she's not worried about him getting upset and jealous and whatever she can be straight up with him that's cool but at the same time it's like for him you're totally undercutting this nice thing so it's like if it does mean as much 100% what you said dane save it like actually save it to the point where giving it is this gesture for both of you because one you're gonna get sick of it if you give it to like 20 people and two it's like you know this guy seems to react pretty well some people wouldn't some people are pretty shit so it's like make it be

the thing you wanted it to be which is this nice gesture and and leave it at that yeah i mean like it really is a kick in the teeth like to be the boyfriend to be like oh thank you so much this is this is actually really sweet yeah oh okay like you're probably like oh i'm gonna put a home in like my memory box and i'll take it home it's gonna be really nice it's like no no no give me no no no no that's fine give that back to me you're you're good enough to see it but not good enough to keep it imagine proposing that way be like will you marry me put the ring on and be like okay and just in case we break up that's going right back in the pocket yeah give me that back until we're down the aisle even like someone's like putting it on her finger and you just like get divorced you reach over and take it and you're like no no no we haven't said i

do yet even just like at the wedding yeah you know when you actually like put the wedding rings on be like well divorce is still on the table so you get this when we die i don't mind that once yeah once we're old once we're so entrenched that new lovers is impossible you get your ring yeah you'll be buried with these we didn't answer a whole lot but i think we talked about a whole lot and that really is the point of podcasts if we don't answer a lot do we also get money off them okay are you ready for some red flags? Yeah. So at the end of every episode, Niall trolls

through Tinder. Mostly it's people send them to us. And we look for red flags in online dating profiles. This is Anna. I just want to find a friend who can really chat. If not, please right click. I like traveling and shopping if you

talk to me about investment please stop this stupid thing if your income is not higher than mine please leave damn anna what the hell does click mean i assume it was right swipe and they just got confused oh right swipe is yes i don't know man yeah i don't know either i don't like this anna i assume english isn't your first language, but you're still putting out weird energy. I don't like it. That's a three for me. I love the, please stop this stupid thing.

Can we just do that on everything? That's all right. I'll allow that. This is Ola. Will you tell me if we've done this one? I can't tell if it's just the same kind of weird chaotic energy. Sexy, juicy, intelligent, magical. Elite adventurer and a delicious experience.

Not simple. Erotic channel. Not interested in relationship. You, intelligent, emotionally secure. Respectfully dominant, confident, sexy. You appreciate the finer things. Relationship anarchist. Conscious game player.

Hot sex with imagination, passion. No rush to get to the end focus on the journey in the moment how you do anything is how you do everything so take charge and invite video chat to check me out the feel like it went from i got all this energy into almost like a weird scam yeah like the video chat thing sounds 1000 like a a scam. Yeah, like it went from sort of like, oh, all right, like you got you got some things going on. I'm into it. And then it's like, oh, you're probably a dude who's going to harvest my organs.

I'm sorry. Do you like someone who describes themselves as magical or juicy or an at least adventurer and a delicious experience? Because I'm not going to lie. I hate all of those things. I live my life hoping to one day have an experience that is like a movie. Anytime someone's like, I'm an elite adventurer. I'm like, cool.

This is a National Treasure situation. We're going to steal the Declaration of Independence. Anyone who says they're not simple, that screams to me that you are simple. It's alright, man. National Treasure wasn't that complicated. Imagine if I was, like, not a corpse, everyone would be like, damn, are you undead? You know what I mean? Like, it kind of comes out of nowhere.

I'm not simple. It's so defensive. Also, conscious game player and relationship anarchist, please just fucking shoot me in the head. Yeah, I think I kind of blacked out for that one. Yeah, that sounds terrible. I'm still giving this a three.

Conscious game player, I'm giving this zero. Maybe she just likes being awake when she plays video games. Yeah, well, maybe. This is Monica. My cat emoji tastes like blonde roast. Three tongues emoji. Huh. I don't really know.

I don't drink coffee, so I don't know what blonde roast tastes like, but most coffee is kind of bitter. i feel like if your vagina tastes like coffee maybe do a bed shapiro and go to the doctor about it i was gonna say dry it out that doesn't sound right well why would it be wet they're not ill are they three i guess you're you've gotten too fixed on your giving just the same numbers all the time and it's not funding because i just want to say yes or no you're shitting on everything we do in this podcast this finally crafted well researched um so this one has some some wild energy okay uh it is a tinder profile and the bio of the tinder profile is i'm actually 31 back on this bitch but couldn't be bothered to

write a profile and all the pictures are screenshots of their bumble profile so so oh i love that that's fantastic are there is the pictures just the the profile or is it also the pictures of the pictures and the profile that's fantastic because i feel like screenshotting all those individually is more work than just writing a little bit of fucking anything 100 so their name on tinder is i want to jack dot dot dot i assume it's like i want to like e-y-e-w-a-n-a is their first name and then Jack I assume it's like I want to jack off I don't know because it just dot dot dots away but their Bumble

and their 31 which they say in their bio but then their Bumble is their name is bad shit and their age is 20 bad shit or bat bad bad shit and their age is 20 this is tough for me.

Because I fucking love everything they're doing. But I would also want absolutely no part of them. Well, you need to let me read out their profile. They call me Bad Shit Boozy. That's my rapper name. I don't spit flow, just saliva

by accident. Sometimes. I'm sorry. I put a fake birthday now. I'm 20, but I'm actually 31. This isn't a joke, just saliva by accident. Sometimes. I'm sorry. I put a fake birthday now. I'm 20, but I'm actually 31. This isn't a joke, but it's funny because now I'm ending up with a weirdo who's into chicks who are young. Go away, R. Kelly. My real life superpower is deep belly breathing when taking a giant dump. If I were president, playing Coldplay would land you in jail.

Okay. I mean, the Coldplay law. I've recently started listening to Coldplay again. They're pretty good. Parachutes is an excellent album. I don't care what anyone says. They're pretty good. I don't care what anyone says.

They're pretty good. Chris Martin and his angelic voice. Yeah, this is going to be a three for me. It's a zero, Dave. It's a goddamn zero. Like, intriguing energy, but not in a good way. I mean, like I said, I love what they were doing. I don't want any part of them.

Like, I would watch what they're doing from afar. That sounds creepier than I meant it. You want to see those deep belly breaths? Oh, hell yeah. Thank you very much for listening. It has been a pleasure once again to be in this closet and recording an episode just for your ears. Just yours. No one else. No no one else this is specifically for you actually made sure that it went right to your feed directly for real though do you recommend this to a friend please that'd be great hey yeah

if you have people complaining that they're uh bored or need something to do maybe recommend us also we haven't asked this in a while but but maybe swing on over to Apple Podcasts and leave us a review, a five-star review. Yeah. That would be nice, too. That'd be pretty cool. If you want to hit us up with a question so that we can answer it for you, you can find us on a very selection

of different social media. You can find us on Facebook at fckbuddiespodcast. You can find us on Twitter at fck underscore buddies. You can email us at fbuddiespodcast at gmail.com, or you can visit us online at fbuddypodcast. You can find us on Twitter at fck underscore buddies. You can email us at fbuddiespodcast at gmail.com or you can visit us online at fbuddypodcast.com or plentyofbeef.ca. Thank you to Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities for their song

Paper Stars. Man, can you believe I've owned plenty of beef for almost a full year now? It's crazy. What a magical time. Did you know we figured out that we could time travel via Capoeira two years ago damn is that our two-year episode that's incredible so i'm gonna prime us feels like yesterday it does i'm gonna time travel joke i get it it feels like tomorrow wink

i'm gonna fluff you uh for our sex writing with a little bit of seduction uh deepness all right we're not going to talk about it you're just going to say it well you can you can talk about very briefly if you want i don't know no this is just uh by i have underscore soul and obviously have soul if they can drop such deep what you seek from porn will be what you are ultimately robbed of. Yeah, come. You seek, come? Well, I mean, like, you want to come, and then you're robbed of, you're come.

I assume it just means someone will come steal your anal mom. Hey, baby. And then we're gonna go... No, for the love of God, please don't touch my stuck stepsister. Where'd she go? She was right here. She couldn't get out.

That's how the world destroys itself. Because it's like, if she's stuck, she can't get out. But if you sought her, she will be robbed from you. So how can you rob something that's stuck? So we're going straight into two tiny excerpts from Stephen King. I'm going to read them both. They're from the same novel. I should have noted down which novel. They're from the same novel. I should

have noted down which novel. She wiped her greasy fingers on her bosom, doing it slowly, enjoying the way the stains of the mixed meats and juices spread on the expensive silk, enjoying the ripening curves of her breasts and the feel of her nipples under her fingertips, rough and hard and excited. The muscles in her thighs rippled her brown skin gleamed like wet silk when she turned roland had by this time stepped behind a tree and become one of the shadows he could clearly see the way her breasts had ripened damn roland get out of there you get out of those shadows roland i like my in mind, it's literally just like one of those, just a good old sidestep behind the tree,

and then just like his head peeking at it again. I just like, I feel like we don't talk about boobs ripening enough these days. I mean, how can you? That's true. In between weighing them. Thank you very much for listening. My name is Dane Miller. And I'm Niles Payne. We've been your fuck buddies. Oh, you motherfucker. them uh thank you very much for listening my name is dane miller and i'm now spain

we've been your fucker oh you motherfucker you you you you you you you