F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 116 - Sexmas Spectacular 2020

Episode Date: December 21, 2020

We made it to everyone's favourite non-denominational festive holiday: SEXMAS!  Join us for a special episode where we take a break from answering questions to come up with a steamy erotica book that will please you in more ways than one!  We want to wish you a safe and happy holiday whether you're celebrating Sexmas, another winter tradition or nothing in particular.  We love you! Additional Music: Christmas Rap by Kevin MacLeod Link: https://incompetech.filmmusic.io/song/3505-christmas-rap License: https://filmmusic.io/standard-license

hello friends my name is day miller and my name is nyle spain and we are your fuck buddies we are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations. Simply put, we find questions either online or from our lovely listeners and we answer them for you. Although we might not do that this episode. We're probably not doing that this episode because as we previously mentioned, this is our Sex Miss Spectacular. Well, you know what, Dane? I'm going to contradict you immediately and I'm going to hit you with a question. Okay.

True to form uh this is by harley davis two four six oh sorry yeah two four six like the motorcycle what do you recommend to increase my words per minute emergency i've been publishing erotica online for a long time as a way to make easy cash and it's worked i've brought in a good living from it but everything has gone wrong recently i got blackout drunk at a casino and gambled a lot of my money away the bills are coming due soon i don't think i'm gonna make it i have nothing left how can i up my daily progress writing 15 hours a day i've managed to reach a pace of about 6 000 words that isn't enough if i could double it i should be able to save myself i've started doing reps of typing training sites but i'm starting to snag stagnate around 90 words per minute

adderall has helped but not enough what do you recommend for reaching my peak damn i feel like as people whose christmas bills are coming due and have to start our erotic book this is a good way to to start our journey also yeah oh cheers i've got that whiskey you got me for my birthday because you're a lovely human clink clink i've forgotten how to cheers start drinking without drink or like uh talking without drinking i just tapped my finger off my glass and said clink this is i i'm not gonna lie to you right. I don't know if it's legal to do it or not, but I kind of want this to be the basis of our novel. Oh, like story within a story where every now,

you know, we could have like multiple short stories, but the overarching narrative is a woman who's gambled away all her money at Xena while blackout drunk. Now. Okay. All right. I like what you're,

I like this sort of like vignette sort of like you know side story situation what if we combine classic christmas sort of like ghost of christmas past and shit okay and it is like erotic novels of christmas past that you know she makes a deal with some sort of festive spirit. Yeah, maybe like they enlist a festive collections agency and they come and they're like, you have either

two choices and that's to face your sexual history or pass the money. She's like, damn it. So it's like, you know, she gets blackout drunk at this casino, gambles too much, and then obviously a it's like, you know, she gets blackout drunk at this casino, gambles too much. And then obviously a New York Hall casino. Oh, 100%.

100%. You know, in order to meet her sort of erotica quota, she has to sort of like relive her past, like the steamiest sex books that she's written. See, what I love about that is it gives us the opportunity to take multiple uh like suggestions because some of the ones we got were fucking incredible yeah we had a lot of celebrities and let me tell you folks i don't know legally i'm not sure if we can include keanu reeves or uh robert pattinson especially not as

edward cullen i'm pretty sure we definitely can't do that. No, we definitely can't do that. We should have been a little bit more specific of keeping it general and not... We could have a gloomy vampire and we could have Paubert Rattinson.

Exactly, yes. No name is going to get your juices flowing more than Paubert, especially when it's followed by Rattinson. Like, I'm already turgid. Oh, boy. Yeah, there's a lot of, like, Pamela Anderson

was one of them, Robert Pattinson. I didn't see the Pamela Anderson one. Pamela Anderson was an Instagram suggestion. Oh, I i thought i have them all written down here actually and i missed that one do you want to read out will we go one on one off for favorites yeah i yeah sure do you want to do like three of our three of our tops well i want to first call out who i think i'm gonna have to dub Agent Murder because they left the two wildest suggestions, I think.

Oh, I know exactly who you're talking about. Yeah, so I'm going to read out one, which was that John Malkovich is confused when the mysterious package arrives at the door of his home. It's a robotic dick addressed to the new Santa, and it's a model xm christmas spirit version four there's a lot to unpack there and i love it there was also somewhat more grim i mean a horrible accident x like a horrible accident kills the jolly bastard like an elf has to like hide the body if only there was a way to distract mrs cla. Wink, dot, dot, dot. That one, there's so much wrong there, but so much right.

Yeah. They definitely are up there. I liked some of the more abstract or vague. I really enjoyed the teacher by day, OnlyFans creator by night. I thought that has a lot of juice that you can milk in an erotic novel there's also the um oh someone uh contracts a holiday themed sti was another one like a ghost

of sex was past present and future i think that is already like kind of the that could be the the sti it'll almost be like it follows but with ghosts of christmas pasts now one i did love was sex with like mandatory mouth covering so you never like both people never really knew who the other person was um that was very thematic obviously for the year that's in it it also has my sex sex suit i did have an idea and this could be yet or it could be the entire story. Depends on what you want. And I was thinking of calling it Mandemic. Oh. All right. I got chills.

You just gave me chills and my nipples have hardened slightly. Oh, excellent. We're off to a good start. Now, Mandemic could be anything. It leaves us to a lot. But I was thinking a disease sweeps the nation and it kills off toxic masculinity so all of a sudden there's a lot of hopeless men out there who just lose their toxic traits and are suddenly desirable to women so women are like damn it's a mandemic there's so many men i want to fuck everywhere i thought

that one could be pretty fun we can make it sexy we can make it instructive it's already a funny i'm not gonna lie to you now that's that's fucking genius and i love it i'd like alone alone that title would get me to click in if i was if i was on a site and i had a list of sex novels and i saw one called mandemic fuck yeah you know what it needs to be i can see the cover right now it's a man shirtless obviously blue jeans obviously felt like or like jeans sort of like unbuttoned so you can see sort of like the the lines yeah yeah and then it cuts off at the at like the top of the face so you'll see the whole face you just see the masked like jawline yeah and that's it maybe he's like got his hands on his hips or his arms crossed or something how about that exact thing but you can see his bulge and his bulge is in the shape of the coronavirus what if that was just in the background like

the coronavirus like in the background you could just see the shade like that spiky little bastard in the background just like leaning against the wall smoking oh man see I already liked both of our ideas can we marry them can we find the pandemic could easily be a period in her past like this could be 2027 and the pandemic

was 2020 and she thinks back to like that tumultuous year where men stopped being assholes. No, no, no. It's too, mandemic has to be like the centerpiece, I think. We could do it the opposite way where we do vignettes of all these different women surviving the mandemic. One of which might be a down on her luck, erotic fiction novelist. Another of which might be, you know, a brooding vampire, et cetera. Oh, maybe we can cure Edward Cullen of his toxic traits

because like stalking people are hundreds of years old, younger than you. I've got it. I've got it. I've got it. I've got it. A down on her luck, or sorry, like top of her game erotic novelist

all of a sudden no one's buying erotica because like men are actually fuckable again oh okay like you don't need to fantasize about these men because they exist so she needs to find a way to make her erotica she's gonna crank it up to 11 oh shit you know what i mean and in order to get out into the world and just fuck her way around or we stick with that christmas spirit she makes a deal with a festive you know elf or something or she summons what she thinks is a demon and tries to make a demon deal and doesn't realize until too late that it is in fact the ghosts of all the christmases right most of sex must pass and so these people are sort of instead of showing her the the wrongs of her life in order to make her a better person they're

showing her like smut just the dirtiest filthiest stuff in order to crank her erotica up to 11 and of course this makes her a better person of course yeah well what erotica doesn't and i think we might have to also find a way like as much as i love like the toxic masculinity thing i think she needs to like save the pandemic as the hero you know what i mean like i think if it's going to be a pandemic there's got to be a downside to it now now dane i will point out it is a mandemic you're right you're right stupid me what could we freight where it's like it seems real good but if if like if it doesn't get cured there's you know there's a real detriment well

all of a sudden dads can't bond with their kids because they don't have you know shitty games to play or whatever that one question was about this is juicy i like this already okay now before we go too far are there any are is are there any suggestions we're nixing are we just throwing out i like i said i think all of the like specific celebrity ones i don't think we can use yeah i think we can maybe reference like i think you're allowed to like there's one that was pamela anderson i think you're allowed to like maybe say that like she had boobs better than pamela anderson yeah i think you're allowed to to do that

also if chuck tingle has taught me anything we can definitely do amala panderson yes he has done donald trump so yeah if you can make fun of the president yeah exactly yeah um i will say the one that kind of gets me is spock's nerve pinch because that just seems a little rapey yes i don't know if we want to put that one in yeah unless we can name it like a sex move oh where like he knows just the right spot like the g-spot to sort of like boom your ass it doesn't have to knock people out it could just like it could he he's the only person that knows of your secret g-spot in your shoulder yeah you know the clitoris actually goes all the way up to your shoulder maybe that's what the mandemic is it proliferates the clitoris so it grows like a like a weed through your entire body and it starts off good because you know you're just suddenly women don't have any trouble coming in

sex so like even the most inopportune man can can get you there but then you're too sensitive that you can't do anything oh you beautiful bastard that's yes that's the thing i don't know necessarily it should be like oh men aren't toxic anymore i think that it just like oh men of all all of a sudden like everyone every man knows how to please women but it's not that it's this horrible disease that has made your clitoris so sensitive that like at first yeah% clit. Yeah, but as it goes on, as it progresses, you're not able to have sex anymore. Yeah, or you're not even able to live. You try to move and your shirt rustles on your clothing

and you're like... Yeah, like that poor woman who has like 80 orgasms a day just because she shifts at her seat. Yeah. Now, are we throwing away, which I already kind of have, but I want to run them past you, Dental Damn Demick.

Why wouldn't you open with that and then hit me with Mandemic afterwards? What makes you think that I'm going to go from Mandemic to Dental Damn Demick? As I said, I already threw that one out. I just wanted to make sure. You know? Oh, boy.

Standemic about a man called Stan who, I don't know, gets real horny. I'm not going to say that there's nothing you could say that'll beat Mandemic. But I just don't see it happening okay um now i assume we're gonna have to have some kind of anti-masker quotient because you know like a group of of idiots who think that the orgasms are a government hoax yeah well not just government yeah like female orgasms are a hoax oh of course yeah like that already exists yeah um yeah i think the like the anti-commerce i was trying to think i was trying to find a way to like maybe rhyme it with masker anti uh or like q anon is

there any way we could get that coming on cominganon? Come-anon? Maybe. If we made it anal, we could do poo-anon. Why would they? Oh, poo-anon? Is that what you're... Or just poo rhymes with Q. Poo-anon, Q-anon. I will say, another spicy one, which I think would work for a very good like little vignette was the person who

had two date opportunities. One's an anti-masker, but one requires her to self-isolate for two weeks before each visit. That one's spicy. I like that. I definitely think that the main love interest sort of like the

hallmark small town farmer single dad in this i think he should definitely be like an anti-masker no and and that should be like the conflict right like you need conflict there should be a reason why they don't get together yeah but i also don't want to promote getting together with an anti-masker because we shouldn't do that maybe but he's gonna obviously learn the errors of his ways there should be a villain who's like in masks are they condoms in this because then we could hit two birds with one stone so we got people who are like oh condoms don't make my dick work and also anti-masker idiocy yeah yeah i like that now dane you're gonna have to look your laptop right in the eye right now and name this hunk for me.

Name him. Okay. This is our villain or is this our like main love interest? Just throw me the name and we'll see. I've got one too. I just came up with one. Okay. Remington Bradbury.

Ooh, Remington Bradbury. I was thinking we have someone called giles more size i mean i like giles more size for a bad guy you know what remington could also be a bad guy they both sound very high class yes now what about what about the plucky underdog i guess wait do we have any like characters that we haven't introduced yet i don't think so i don't think we have any we have a mechanic with all the right tools for the job oh yeah i miss scarlet in the hot tub with a grilled cheese sandwich yeah we also have mr miss claus a roomba can we have a sentient roomba yeah this has to go around cleaning up all of the ejaculate. Yes, we have to have, like, just alternate chapters about this poor hard dub by Roomba.

Fuck, can we please have a scene in which the Roomba fucks something? Like, another Roomba or another appliance? So, again, like, I don't know how much we're going to, how much we should spoil in this episode. But I was thinking, either there's, like, one of those suction dildos stuck to the Roomba and he gets involved. Or like maybe throughout the story, we have brief chapters of like the Roomba who's tasked with cleaning up all this stuff, who's slowly getting more and more unhappy. And at the end, bumps into a lady Roomba. Yeah, that's beautiful. Maybe they fuck, maybe they don't, maybe they just,

or maybe it's a tragedy because once they get close enough, their sensors go off and they turn away. I mean, that's definitely, that has to happen at some point. However, I think the hottest and most graphic sex scene in this book needs to be between the rubens. i think so like i want people who watch the absolute worst porn to skip these pages yeah i want it to be so filthy that people you know go and seek god after after reading them i think we're we're like uniquely qualified to do this as well after the absolute garbage i've read into your ear holes for two years yes okay so that's another thing i want to talk about with this this book we want it to be erotica like we want it that flavor but do we want it to be as bad or we like are we aiming for that same sort of hokey, cheesy, obviously not the really rapey, abusive stuff?

I would honestly kind of want a running joke where everyone specifically asks for consent before having sex with anyone in this book. I also don't want to make a joke out of consent. You know what I mean? Because that could be read too easily as like, you know, oh, look how stupid this is. That's true. If we're doing a lot of satire,

we could be seen as, you know, doing satire on the, you know, the importance of consent. That's a good point. Now, if we're like,

so partially I want both. I want us to have terrible, useless, awful scenes. And like someone did write in a very cryptic suggestion about a limp montreal christmas tree that needs to be returned to its you know i'm thinking that we have to call a dick that at some point you know 100 that's exactly when i read that i was like at some point in time someone needs to be talking about like a very like you know almost like a yukon jack sort of situation you know like canadian lumberjack who's down on hard times yeah 100 so

i do want both and if we're doing this story within a story thing then we could either have the in-universe fiction be terrible or have the in-universe fiction actually be really well written and have the actual in-universe sex be terrible right or just shake it up yeah you know like one chapter who knows maybe we're feeling spicy maybe we're just gonna be like you know his his clockwork erection was magnificent to behold now Now, are you saying that as, is that a metaphor or are you saying that there is going to be an actual like steampunk dick in here? Well, the worst, probably one of the worst things I've ever personally read. Um, it was a book by fuck. I can't remember his name. And I probably, it's probably a good thing because I was asked to review this book for a competition,

uh, which was great cause I was getting free books. And I reviewed this book and I gave it such a bad review that they never approached me for free to get me free books for reviews anymore. But I did have a line where there were clockwork vampires in the book for reasons unknown. Like it was just there was no like where they came from, what the difference between them and vampires were other than mentioning cogs every now and then but like the guy's sister it was from her perspective and she looks at him and goes his clockwork erection was magnificent to behold hell yeah it's probably one of the worst things i've ever read i would say that's probably the coolest thing i've ever heard can you imagine how much it would hurt having a clockwork dick up in you pitching i think it's just literally just grinding yeah there's so much there's holes and like moving parts

you're pretty much putting in like a little tiny chainsaw inside of you yeah absolutely harold now do you want to have some other christmas uh like i was gonna save these for the sex writing at the end of the end of the book writing at the end of the book. No, at the end of this episode. But I also might just pepper them in between to help us, you know, come up with more. So this is Breeding Mrs. Claus. Oh boy.

So it's nothing weird. It's Reindeer Shifter Breeding Erotica. Translated, it means she's going to be getting down with and getting pregnant by Rudy, a strapping young reindeerish man thing. To his credit, he's in good shape when asked. One could bounce any amount of quarters off of.

And unlike Prancer, she's got a casino worth a fucking quarter. Maybe that's how she got in her casino debt. Also, unlike Prancer, he has a decent name. That's all we know about this book. Unless you're willing to buy it for how much? How much is it going for?

What do you think? I'm going to say $7.99. So on Kindle Unlimited, it is free. But if you don't have Kindle Unlimited, it's going to cost you a sweet $3.33. Okay. There's one rating. It's four stars.

They say, not bad. I'm going to read this review. Just again, this is all market research. Reading shows Mrs. Claus. He has more than the magical nose. Much more. Damn. I was really hoping this qualifies as Christmas monster porn, but it's more shifter Christmas porn.

I hate when I fuck man. I hate when you go in and hoping looking for for monster porn. You get fucking shifter porn. Christmas. Get out of here. Christmas shifter porn. Get out of here. Christmas shifter porn. Though some may argue having sex while in shifter form should be listed under the monster part.

I prefer my monster porn more monstery. It just goes under plain old kinky porn. Lol. So, this guy is real unhappy about this. So, Mr. Cole has a real thing for Rudy. She's got a thing for him while in his half-shifted form. Well, she's always dominant for Rudy she allows him to take charge

not really my thing I'm never submissive however it's a hot piece of shifter smut decently written bonus that's holiday themed I'm taking it down the peg for all the cum seriously how does anyone shifter otherwise have so much cum built up that it fills a woman's quim and pours out like a

waterfall man that was that was a journey that it fills a woman's quim and pours out like a waterfall. Man, that was a journey. That's a valid complaint. Now, Dane, this is 149,350th in the Erotica Kindle store. My goal is officially to beat this. Okay, so here's my problem, is by the time we release this, it's not going to be Christmas anymore. Even better do we want to keep it christmas do we want to like really make this a year-long endeavor to make it real pop for next christmas see i don't know now the thing is

we could also like release it chapter by chapter i think you know like in like almost like novellas or short stories or whatever yeah and then at the end of the year compile them like we could set a goal of doing like one a month i'm also worrying if we're we're hitting this mandemic i think there's it's only got so many legs as well depending on on when we get this situation all sorted i really don't think we're going to be out of pandemic you know meme hood hood by December of next year. But I think the, I think pandemic fatigue might have set in by then.

I'm thinking it'll hopefully be the opposite where like, we'll be out of it. So no one has to worry about it. And then seeing mandemic will be funny. I don't know. Honestly, it's like, can we do a new year's themed one?

But again, we only have two weeks and that's still quite a lot. Even if we're writing garbage, we would want to at least give an edit, try to source an image and figure out how the fuck to put it on Kindle, which again, they might have like a week or two at least like waiting period while they make sure you didn't just write absolute fucking bollocks although judging by you know slammed by santa by bitch williams um i can't imagine okay that's that breaks bitch williams brings up another thing i want to talk about what's our pen name gonna be because i have one okay that i want to pitch to you it's an amalgamation of our names okay because i was thinking i guess we could always just do like a fuck buddies podcast production but i was thinking we could just be called like fuck buddington or something um so i want to call us or or my idea is diana barcelona okay that's that's pretty erotic right d Barcelona I like it or it's Nikki Carpenter

that's somewhat isn't it I don't know I was trying to think of another profession like Miller oh and Nikki for Niall I don't know we can think about it I just wanted to throw that out there before I forgot and bitch Williams brought me around to that point it's spelled with a y b y t c h oh well that's fine um it's also got the best cover i sent you the other cover as well but like if you want to just pop over and look like dear god i kind of want that exact cover do you think we could buy this off bitch williams it is kind of incredible how much is bitch william selling this novel for uh let's find out also i'm pretty sure like that's got to be just a paparazzi shot of someone right maybe uh it's 326 so seven cents less than uh good old breeding mrs claus

they have two ratings okay let me hear what people are saying about Bitch Williams. Okay, well, first one, four out of five, holly jolly well-endowed Christmas. Well-paced story, scenes with each girl nicely varied in sexual dynamics, never 100% sure what she'll get next, but its biggest strength is its humor. Bitch Williams Santa is an ancient nature spirit perv, quite the chauvinist, but he's charming and fun as well.

There's so much the case that sometimes scenes run a little by a little quickly with our favorite with Nasake Nishimura, who makes Santa her bitch. I assume there's a lot of, you know, punctuation marks. We could have gone through some more of her. Maybe that's just our taste in S&M.

Smiley face as it is. Scenes were quick and fun. Kept us laughing. It was hardly a chance for us to stop. Giggling like a bowl full of jelly, I start tugging, rubbing like a perv with a belly. Cool. Slammed by Santa, showcases bitch whelms as a shamelessly funny one to watch.

And then, Not Hot by EA Underwood. Damn. All from Santa's POV, looking for lady POV. Cheesy dialogue, maybe good for a laugh, not particularly erotic. Okay, see, i think that's valuable insight i think our demographic for the most part is going to be women or people wanting to read from a women's perspective or a woman's perspective i think we shake it up you know that's

the good thing about the the multiple forms like we already have a roomba's pov it'd be weird to not have you know should we Game of Thrones this and have like alternating chapters of like our female you know starlet and then you know the the anti-masker sort of like on his hero's journey sort of the you know equilibrium brave new world sort of like falling out of his own dystopia waking up and seeing how the madness around him i think we definitely should and then we have we have the rumba yeah the rumba who you know is is just like in the wings dealing with all this the fallout of this pandemic but then maybe finds love maybe not maybe it's tragedy you'll have to see i think we really need to like

are we gonna do a christmas i know we said it was gonna be like festive but i feel like we could we could get this like in people's hands and i know they want it they want two things they want their genitals and they want this book in their hands at the same time so i i think like if we sort of walk back on the Christmas theme, maybe focus a little bit more on like maybe a magical or supernatural element instead of, you know, Ghost of Christmas Past kind of thing. What if we have it at least kick off at Christmas time? Yes, I have no problem with that at all. You know, and then like depending on what our plot is or whatever we can move from there so that it doesn't get weird in you know whatever so like even if it is released

later on the people who know will know why it started and how why the christmas is there if it's not fully christmas no one else is going to care it also means if we get like a good first section we could release that like over the next month next month. Yeah, I think that's the way to go. The sexmas start will be a good nod for those who were here at the beginning, and then everything else will

be fine for the uninformed. Now, would you like another one just to keep those cockles warmed? Yeah, yeah. Maybe one more time with another review, I guess. No, this is Snowballin' I Fucked Frosty by Anna-Lie Vierge. As the title states, it's indeed about having sex with Frosty the snowman. When a boyfriend fails to fulfill his sexual duty,

sometimes the only option is to turn to the cold embrace of a snowman, the ad copy reads. So naturally, the unsatisfied heroine turns to Frosty, dear god no, his cold hands, his icy wang, the carrot nose. Well, that might be okay. On the plus side, Frosty apparently has 10 inches to work with. Does it say how many pages these books are? Uh, let's find out. Does it have a, not runtime, but a, you know, length? There should be. Oh, this one's only 99 cents but a, you know, length? There should be.

Oh, this one's only 99 cents. Oh, it's 15 pages? That's what I'm saying. It's like, I can't imagine a lot of these books have like enough legs to get a full novel out of. Yeah, like, so apparently, yeah. Now tell me how much Bitch Williams is putting down. Let's find out. Where's our good old bud? 26 pages. No. Uh, let's, let's find out where, where's our good old,

a good old bud. 26 pages. See? Okay. Here's okay. Now hit me with the, hit me just so we can sort of round out what we're, what we're looking at here.

Hit me with the, the breeding Mrs. Claus. Cause like we could fucking pop out a 26 page book or 26 page story in like three days. Yeah. Yeah. Easy. Uh easy uh 14 pages so these like are all these erotica novels just a couple pages no wonder this person's making money like even if you sell 10 10 books or 10 of these at three dollars a pop that's 30 bucks in your pocket for what i can only assume is like a day's worth of work i could write

like 14 pages in a day easy yeah i'd like if there's chapter breaks in that as well that's not even 40 14 pages of writing i don't think there's chapter breaks probably not so i mean that's another thing to consider maybe we maybe we hit a double whammy maybe mandemic is our long form and maybe we just do a ghost of christmas pass or like you know sort of uh like that situation for sexmas and see if we can get it out time you know what i say we try get one out for our good old listeners um and just fucking churn it it doesn't need to be perfect um get it out even in the first week of the new year or something because really we only need what

three scenes sex of character yeah sex of character present and sex of character future yeah and then like you know a couple pages to walk us in and walk us out yeah all right you know i say we do that we'll we'll warm our cockles we'll see what everyone thinks and then we'll uh we'll work with mandamic by the way this, this is copywritten. Don't steal our Mandemic idea. Mitch Williams? No, don't look away. Look at me. Show me your hand. You crossed your fingers. Dane, she crossed her fucking fingers. It's too late. Mitch Williams

has already released a seven-page Mandemic. She misspelt man. It's with a Y. Have we done a search for Mandemic yet? That is great. But what if we give google the idea oh no mandemic is a song like tbasa um let's find some lyrics for that song there's some boys in this house there's some boys in this house man you can't find the lyrics for this

it's so mysterious but no other than that we look pretty good all right yeah i also don't have a whole lot i have some urban dictionary there is a podcast called mandemic but it's but it's over that's fine it ended in july who cares also no one can copyright a mandemic like that's that's not a thing you could do no i don't think so i think we're good also if we get sued it'll just be extra publicity exactly we need to split this into two ideas that do are we just gonna bullshit the ghost of sex is best like we'll just fucking we'll just do it i think not really worry too much about anything other than just real real raunchy fucking yeah i say raunchy bizarreness but also maybe we'll try peppering a good lot of the things that we've seen here yeah some of the stuff that like've seen here yeah some of the

stuff that like more christmas focused stuff we can definitely put into this one and then some of the more pandemic stuff like covid stuff we'll put in the other one obviously yeah and that way no no suggestion has gone overlooked by the way sorry yeah we also have the winner by the way but we're not going to announce it because we forgot to check if people want their names announced. So it will be announced on social media when this comes out, and also we'll get in touch. And if you want us, we will mention it next week. Yes, yeah, we don't want to put anyone on blast.

Yeah, I don't know. It's probably us overthinking things, but better safe than sorry. Yeah, we've always been very clear about our desire to keep everyone's privacy private. So you're like, no no better safe than sorry um the what was i gonna say do you so with our christmas book i think what we should do is you write one i'll write the other and then maybe like half and half the the other one i want the tone to be so wildly bizarre. Yeah. And like,

I want that for mandemic as well. Like I want to take turns writing chapters. Either we write like one character, like you'll write one character. I'll write one more character. Um, or we literally just alternate chapters because I want like the tone and the voice of the thing to be so inconsistent.

Yeah. That it's a feature. Yeah. That like, I think that's fucking funny. I can't wait for reviews. Quite frankly, that's, I mean, voice of the thing to be so inconsistent yeah that it's a feature not a book yeah that like i think that's fucking funny i can't wait for her reviews quite frankly that's i mean that's the thing i want to know if someone's actually gonna fuck get off to our bullshit i i could see it depends if someone's getting off to the written word of uh like rudolph filling mrs Cum with just, or Mrs. Claus Mrs. Cum, with so much cum that

it's just like flowing out of her, someone's gonna jerk off to what we write. Yeah, we're gonna have a very sexual Roomba, like those curves? Oh yeah. Are you ready to hear about Shaved by Santa? Yeah, I guess. The description of this is there's two pregnant women on the cover.

The list of contents is extreme taboo, shaving, and dairy. So I'm not even going to look at this one. It's by T.T. Lawrence. That's what's in the description of the book. That's not a review. No, so like I found like a list of them and it's like the person who compiled the list

tells us what we've been told. Then I've gone into the Amazon page and actually looked at the reviews. Okay. I thought that's what the author wrote. I'm confused. I mean, like I don't really need to deep dive into it when there's two pregnant women, but like,

is dairy an erotic category? Well, literally right. That is milk and cookies for santa by tranquility jones and uh basically some books go beyond the raw sexiness of santa getting a boner under his velvet pants milk and cookies goes with the lactation erotica angle well okay there it is i guess but here's the thing it's like I'm okay with lactation erotica. Like, okay, fine.

But like the idea, like if I was looking through books and it's like erotica, comma, you know, BDSM, comma, dairy. Yeah. That's upsetting to me. Dairy. Maybe it's, there's a spoonful of cheese. You don't know. Is dairy just like the name for all milk or is it specifically cow milk? I it's all milk because like is it milk is dairies too is it considered dairy yeah dairy is just okay do we want to go over any more ideas thoughts like plot points what we

sort of the overarching story of one of these things or is that just sort of a we've done enough now right we've given people a taste a little peek behind the curtains we don't want to ruin it right i think we're gonna get into a more in-depth thing for us now they know what to expect but we're not giving them the whole pie that's true we're just letting them smell the baking damn i want pie yeah they can smell our hardening crusts that's definitely the thing that people smell like get excited about the smell of smell that hard crust that's my favorite thing about a pie is hard crust hell yeah well yeah i say that but like pie crust is pretty fucking delicious great yeah um so i think we leave it at that it's a little like brainstorm session we've got our

ideas down people know what to expect if anyone wants to send you know obviously the competition's over for now but you know you can send in more shit if you're hit by some kind of inspiration um you know it's up to you we're pretty open if you want to like even have us name a character after you or something like that or name a character yeah if or if you want to just give us a name that's cool too also if you want to suggest names for our like pen name we're cool with that too like feel free to just that like much like our show it's a conversation and we're happy to to open the doors to this project as well so feel free to to throw in your thoughts because we'll happily listen to them yeah we're going to be treading a fine line between taking this not seriously at all and also taking this way too seriously. I promise you, I give it a week before we are taking it too seriously.

I plan to do both at the exact same time. Yeah, that works. Oh, man. I'm wondering, should I buy one of these? by Kaz Kendrick where a mall elf Dale, who's tightly fitting elf shorts leave nothing to the imagination intrigues a mall Santa Grant who can't keep his eyes off the disturbingly fuckable elf who's taunting him with a candy

cane sucking. Disturbingly fuckable. Disturbingly fuckable. I know people who are like that. Stop. It's my Christmas gift to you. Well, should we do some tinders?

Yeah, we can do some tinders. All right, let's just ease us out of this erotically charged zone with some tinders, you know? This is Marissa. Hi. Do real, respectful, and genuine men still exist? Asking for a friend she's my mini but my sister birthed her oh and i'm almost five two now she is in the picture with a young girl which is the she's my but my sister birthed her okay that confused me

yeah i was i was not following there no i don't like what was the first bit about like real men exist do real respectful genuine men exist asking for a friend dot dot dot i'd be like again that's not really a red flag because i'm gonna filter it through like a female lens and be like i'm sure she gets a ton of bullshit sent to her from dudes yeah so it's like i like i think it's a weird thing to put on your dating profile. Negativity towards people that you're trying to date. I think that's like a bad faux pas. Whether that's a red flag or not, I don't think it is. But I do think like putting that energy out already, like it just brands you as jaded.

Yeah. already like it just brands you as jaded yeah and for me it's like i don't want someone who lives under the like weird facebook mom meme of like all the good men are taken or gay like that's just kind of what it feels like and it's so insincere now the thing that gets me is but my sister birthed her like just say she's my sister's kid or my niece or like, you know, my sister birthed her. That's a really weird way to go about saying that. Yeah, I think they're just trying to be like quirky. It's not working for me. How old are they?

They are 31. Whoa. Okay, that changes things. I thought they were going to be much younger than that. Well, there you go. Okay, I'm giving it a three. Okay, I'm giving it a three. This is Lisa.

I'm a novice. I'm very happy to meet some new friends here and learn more about culture, food, and scenery. Or a serious relationship. If you want to teach me investment, please go away. Maybe I know investment better than you. Are there any normal people? Please stay away from those who date. Please! stay away from those who date. What?

Please stay away from those who date. Maybe she knows investment more than you. What is it with people and like finances on Tinder? I don't know. We had some of the other day being like, teach me about investments. Talk about mixed messages, ladies. What do you want? Either you want financial advice or you don't.

Get it together. It is ridiculous the amount of times that happens. know like we see that all the time there's something to do with fucking uh investments or banking or whatever like it's happened a lot yeah i don't know what that's all about and it weirds me out this is gonna be a three because it it was fine until it wasn't it doesn't make any sense now this is a good segue though into something i almost forgot about. And I think Fuck the Tenders will end on this. It's a little bit of a discussion piece.

So a friend of the show, they sent in two collages to me the other day. All right? Okay. And these two collages were crafted, handcrafted by them during their last two weeks on Hinge. And it was basically the exact same two things repeated on almost every single profile

okay is it a man or a woman it is a woman sent them in for men's profiles okay so what do you think the two common things that are apparently the most important things to put on your fucking dating profile are uh height no okay like it's i'm sure that's there too but these stuck out because they aren't you know like i wouldn't be surprised to see height on everyone's thing right um bizarre like commonalities like hair color preference no okay ethnicities no oh i don't know then okay so the one there was like nine different profiles that mentioned that they're overly competitive okay you know because you know the way like in hinge it's like oh one thing that categorizes you or whatever everyone was saying that they're overly competitive which to me is a red flag because that just sounds like you're a

dick yeah i don't know anyone who's overly competitive that like or who just like describe themselves overly competitive to being like fun yeah like overly competitive sounds like oh we're gonna do something fun and you're gonna ruin it by taking it way too far yeah i'm it's basically just like i'm kind of shit or like i can't read the room you know what i mean mean? Like, I can't do basic shit. And the other one, Pineapple on Pizza. Over 15 different profiles, and she had more. I'll mention their views on Pineapple on Pizza,

whether it be for or against. I mean, I guess, you know what? It's, I promise you that there might be someone out there who suggested it. And it's smart because I've recently started streaming on Twitch. And a lot of the advice people give to new streamers is to put a controversial opinion in your stream title. In hopes that people will either get people to click in and argue with you or get people to come in and agree with you okay so i'm wondering if that's like if someone has like if

there was an article or something written by someone being like make a bold statement about pineapple everyone has and it's true you know everyone has an opinion and it's kind of like a memeable thing it's almost like the whole like bacon is great or Nutella is great. I would eat Nutella on everything. It's like, it's one of those things that I'm so sick of hearing about. Yeah. I just found it really strange, but that actually makes a lot of sense.

So I'm, I'm wondering if it's like, they're trying to have a polarizing view so that they entry interest people either to being like, I completely agree or fuck you. Yes. Yeah. Fair.

Okay. Cause like inadvertently I did the same thing. Like when I had my profile, I completely agree, or fuck you. Yes. Yeah, fair. Okay. Because, like, inadvertently, I did the same thing, like, when I had my profile. Mine was just, let me sit you down and explain Game of Thrones to you. And it worked like a charm. Like, I wasn't thinking about it at the time, but it was either women being like, I know more about Game of Thrones than you do,

or people being like, I don't know what the fuck is happening, yes please. That's fair. Okay. We solved that one. I'm still confused about the overly competitive. You know what? It's probably trying to soften the blow because they're actually assholes. Well, overly competitive is probably just a sign of machismo, right? People think that that is...

It's probably them thinking that is a desirable trait. Yeah. And just missing the mark. I will say I would equate that to women actively telling you that they're brutally honest. I think it's just a precursor to like, you know, I did tell you I was shit. You know, like when they complain, you'd be like, oh, I said I was overly competitive. I'm not going to let your uncle go shot for shot with me, all right? I told you it was competitive.

All right. Let's end. Yeah. Thank you very much for listening, friends. I know this wasn't a usual episode, but it was fun to do. Every now and then we've got to do something different because we've been doing this for over two years now. Yeah. Right?

So it was a little festive cheer. I hope if you're excited to read our novel or whatever we're going to call it, because apparently 15 pages is enough to put anything on Amazon. Yeah. Our Amazon. Yeah. Our tail. Yeah. Our, our narrative weavings. You can send us a message on Facebook or Instagram or Twitter.

Apparently y'all want to talk to us on Instagram, despite that being like the one we use the absolute least. Yeah. And like the, the one least amenable for like podcast talking oh man where were my twitter people where were my twitter people y'all were so good to me the last year and then no one was here for the competition apart from one man who who very like what's the word i'm looking for just like regretfully tagged a famous rapper if you, if you do want to reach out and chat with us, you can hit us on various means of social media on Facebook.

We are FCK buddies podcast on Twitter. We are at FCK underscore buddies. And on Instagram, we're fuck buddies podcast. And you can also email us at F buddies podcast at gmail.com, or you can visit us online at F buddies podcast.com. Thank you, Josh Eagle and the Harvard cities for their song paper stars. And thank you can visit us online at fbuddiespodcast.com Thank you Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities for their

song Paper Stars and thank you everyone who entered in the competition. We really appreciate it and I hope you enjoy your prize. And yeah happy holidays guys. Yeah, happy Sexmas. We hope that you've gotten through this year okay and we hope that next year

is going to be just so much better. Yeah, take a moment to, it's been a rough year for everyone and it's and it's been varying degrees of shittiness for everyone depending on how well you dealt with it and depending on you know who you're living with or any number of variables so don't i i'm glad you're i really want to stress something that i saw someone bring up recently. You're going to see a lot of things on social media talking about like, it was a lockdown. We were in pandemic and I accomplished this and this and this and this.

And it's going to be a lot of people sort of like humble, humble bragging about like everything they were able to accomplish. I don't want people to feel shitty if you've accomplished nothing because making it to the end of the year with your life and your health and hopefully you didn't get sick and your sanity yeah just just getting through this year is enough of an achievement and to be fair i think a lot of people posting will probably be trying to like some of it will just be humble bragging, whatever. But I think a lot of people also might do it to convince themselves that they,

you know what I mean? To try and give themselves that feeling of achievement, you know? So it's, it's not all negative, but it can definitely make you feel bad about yourself. But like, fuck it.

2020 wasn't even a year. It was a trial. And if you made it through, that's it. You know, that's all you really need. Yeah. So I, yeah, I just want to bring that up and just be like it's fine we did it we got through it you're here and

that's all that matters don't worry too much and if you do want to look back and and see some things that you accomplished like by all means reflection is a great way to like actually look back and be like oh shit actually i did do this or that whatever it may be um but don't feel like like if you didn't if you just took it easy this year fucking who cares nine times out of ten like this was the most time off i've had obviously in in ages since you know i was 17 or whatever when i started working this was kind of nice for me because i was actually able to like do things and relax and not have to worry about humble bragging. I mean, humble bragging about doing nothing.

So just take care of yourselves and don't worry too much about this year and just keep focusing on, on being healthy and keeping sane because we did it. Yep. There's a light at the end of the tunnel and it's, we, we made it out. Also,

we're super great for us it out also you guys were we're super great for us too like you guys you guys really helped us you guys stuck with us and and we we've said it a bunch of times since that you know the spotify wrap-up but thank you very much for listening thank you very much for uh supporting us it literally means the world to us yeah like having the podcast this year and like having that like set time where me, I get to hang out with Dane and, you know, having it not just be speaking into the void. And a lot of people sent us some really great questions and some really positive messages and just like, you know, we really appreciate it. You guys are incredible.

And I hope we've been able to give you guys some levity or some advice or even just a distraction or something, you know, positive things. Um, but we appreciate the hell out of all of you. So thank you. Yes.

So, um, Merry sexmas. Uh, we will see you before the new year. So don't worry about that. Um, and we,

we wish you the best. Yeah. And we will send you a terrible erotic novel at some point. My name is Dave Miller and I'm now Spain and we've been your fuck buddies. Happy sexmas. Thank you.