F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 117 - Chinese Sex Donkey

Episode Date: December 28, 2020

Look, we've almost made it through 2020.  For the love of God, just stay clear of this donkey.  Topics include ranking your sexual partners, dangers of dating a witch, a textbook way to ruin Christmas, cellphone paranoia, reflecting on missed opportunities.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Mal Spain. And we are your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky sexy situations and turn them into sexy sticky situations.

Simply put, we find questions either on the internet or from our lovely listeners on the topic of sex and dating and we answer them for you. This episode will be brought to you by the ASMR soundings of my cat purring. Well, never mind, my cat just left the room. I am super powered with strong, strong buddy burger energy. Okay. So I am, I'm ready.

I'm ready to go. The opposite. I'm drained from just like, I have this weird thing where like, I'll be go, I'll go to bed fucking real late. Like I've been going to bed like five or 6am the last two days, but it'll hit really

early and i will just be bolt awake like completely and utterly fully awake um but also exhausted it's not a good combination yeah no that sucks uh the other day i went to bed at four and at 7 a.m my body was like you're ready for the day get the fuck out of bed bud um and yeah i was just like i was so awake yet so tired so that was kind of today it wasn't as quite as bad today but i woke up long before it was time for me to try the medicinal properties of uh american fast food uh no no i have well i mean it seems to be working out all right for me and that country's doing real well so yeah although i'm pretty sure a and w is canadian probably you ready yep this is by courtin nope sir uh girl i've been seeing ranked me sexually on a list i'm incredibly conflicted at the moment

the other night i went out with a girl i've been seeing from bumble for about a week we'd hung out once in person but the facetiming every day now and the vibes are starting to get a little bit more serious that was incredibly just that was incredibly just driving around at night singing and laughing i assume they meant night was incredible just driving around singing laughing some context situation both of us 19 i've been with two people sexually but long term she's been with 20 people however a lot were hookups kind of weird that you know all this after a week but okay yeah this in itself doesn't bother me because we talked it's not what either of us are looking for we both want a real relationship yesterday things got physical and afterwards we were talking she

told me it was really great to my relief so i told her I had been a bit nervous because the number of people she'd been with is much higher. Everything was fine, and then she told me I was probably fourth out of 21, fourth best. I laughed because it was obviously a joke, and when she continued, my heart began to sink. She pulls out her phone, shows me a list of guys she's been with ranked best to worst. I was quiet for a minute, then told her it was pretty gross of her to have that and she made me feel uncomfortable this kind of killed the mood then it was barely recovered since i was in the process of driving her home now we talked things out and she apologized it's also worth noting that i told her she was the best i'd ever had which while inadvertent was technically a ranking as well and they have set a precedent which they

spelled wrong and said president, which is funny. I don't know. I just feel a little gross because I care about her and see us dating, but now I'm not sure. Need opinions, please. I'm very lost. And just for those confused, he was the fourth best, not the fourth worst. Yes. No, I got that. I know. He specified.

Because I guess you said four out of 21. I don't know. I thought that was an addendum by you. Nope. By him. Okay. You know what? It's a good point to be like saying that she was the best is inadvertently a ranking of his own because i wouldn't have thought about it you know what i mean i think that's i think that's an interesting point to bring up however i do think it is very strange to keep a running tally of who you sleep with, regardless of like your your ranking or your reasons why to have kind of like a phone document of everyone you slept with is. I don't know, like it is kind of scummy. Yeah, it's so weird.

Also, back to your point, it's like, yes, it is a ranking, but like it also kind of isn't because it's just kind of like, oh, you're the best. Like, it's not like you are number one out of whatever. I mean, saying someone's the best or the worst, they're kind of terms people throw around in in the more of a like generalized sense than actually being like, I have ranked you officially one out of whatever. There's also far less thought goes into like, have ranked you officially one out of whatever there's also far less thought goes into like oh you're the best it's also kind of thing you just say when you're sleeping with people you know i mean it's like oh you've got the best dick i've ever seen wink it's not like that's the seventh best you know you kind of just say these things or you don't say them it's really strange to be this specific also the fact that like she didn't really think about it

also was very strange that like this is a running tally in her head that she's consciously aware of and constantly updated it yeah and constantly like reshuffling them around like i feel like at some point like somewhere she has like magnets of everyone's names that she like goes into her little study and and rearranges all the names to i think it's super fair to be like hey that's fucking weird because if that was me in that position i would also be like huh yeah i i think it is weird um but i think i honestly i think it only gets weird when you introduce the phone list i think it's so much worse i think saying like oh you were the fourth best could very easily like

i wouldn't have taken that as oh she actually has a list um i also think there are a time and place to compliment people and there's a like you could definitely say top five is a nicer way of saying fourth you could even just be like that was really good and just like even at that you know what i mean no one needs to know where they are in relation to other people really you know what i mean yeah um i'm assuming the fact that she and him have already talked about this after one week and also in that week she has ranked him and whipped out a list just to show him that she is obsessed with this number like to her obviously this means a lot yeah and or like it could be that she's very self-conscious about this number

and is trying to own it either way it's like she's putting far too much importance on it you know what i mean like most people would just have the common sense not to instantly start comparing someone to other people they've been with. You know, because that's just not usually a good call ever. Especially not when you're like, hey, there are three better people than you. I would love to know who brought, like, the number up. Initially? Yeah.

I would, I'm gonna bet her. Yes, I'm also going to bet. And that's why I think it's like, I wonder if she kind of like wants to get that out there asap because it is a quote-unquote high number for most people's standards especially when it comes to women yeah there's that you know that weird sort of social expectation that women should be like one person or you're my first you know what i mean yeah but the thing is maybe it's maybe she's been burned in the past about like her number if that was why she brought it up initially and she said like 21 people and he was like okay that's cool like problem solved you don't need to then be like oh i'm not sure if he's really cool better show him my curated list and also show him where he is in it people's

insecurities manifest in weird ways, man. Yeah, but it doesn't mean it's good. No, absolutely not. Yeah, I mean, we've talked about this before. I'm pretty sure we even said putting the number in the box. I'm pretty sure the number is in the box. Oh, yeah. It's such a dumb fucking thing to talk about.

It really doesn't matter. You know, once you're being sexually healthy and have been checked and all that. You know, that's possibly the only reason I could see it you know being significant is if you've slept with x amount of people since being checked um yes like yeah and even then that's a you thing not really a sharing with them thing like you should sort that out in your own time yeah exactly um so i would i mean i i think if if you've had this conversation it also seems like you resolved the problem you know what i mean like it sounds like you talked to her and she acknowledged that what she did was strange and apologized for it so i mean if you can't get over it then you know

that's one thing to move on with and be like hey sorry that like that sort of doesn't vibe with me and maybe go your own way but she also seems to have owned up to it um and i think that it's like as you get to know this woman you can you can bring this back up and talk to her about and be like hey like why did you feel the need like as you become closer to her that's something you can because like maybe it is a a thing where it's like you know a dude found out about it and you know it was really shitty to her about it and and you sort of reinforcing that like it doesn't matter and this doesn't have any bearing on her worth could really help put her this like list to bed hopefully

yeah i do think like it's kind of up to you to figure out what it is about it that's weirding you out um was it that like you thought you were okay with her number but then seeing yourself in this list or having three people above you in this list is what's weirding you out or is it just the fact that like let's be fair that's a very socially clumb socially clumsy interaction you know what i mean is it just that she's a bit of a fucking weirdo which yeah i'd agree with but is that a relationship killer you know so i guess figure out yourself what is really bothering you about it and maybe just stay alert for warning signs like if she is really insecure about sex or really like obsessed with that number like

is that gonna crop up every time you guys have sex is it always going to be relating back to these people like because if so maybe you will just need to move on you know what i mean but if it was just that she kind of was awkward and like didn't read the room and just did a thing which maybe she thought it was a compliment and it just got weird sure maybe you can look past it but i think you need to figure out what it is specifically about the situation that bothers you and i guess look for the warning signs of what this could mean about her yeah i think you're in the position now to sort of like earmark anything to do with this number and i guess specifically this list as well and if it continues to become a recurring issue i would say that like the next time it becomes a a point of interest or a point of focus in a conversation

or interaction whatever talk about it right then and there and be like hey we need to talk about this list this number and try to hash out what it is and then i think that would definitely be able to inform a a more educated opinion on whether or not you want to stay with this person. Shall we? We shall. This comes from... I'm not going to read the username. It's just a throwaway account. My 25-year-old male girlfriend, 22-year-old female, claims she's a witch and curses me

when we have an argument. I'm having a peculiar problem with my girlfriend of two years. She's a self-proclaimed witch and has been way before we even started dating. I supported this. It's kind of sick having a witch girlfriend. Makes you feel protected with all her crystals and shit but now she's using this to get back at me whenever we have an argument just two days ago after a minor disagreement she stored off into the bedroom got dressed in her cloak sat on the floor with a circle of candles

around her she made a potion it was literally just a bunch of herbs she got from the kitchen and started chanting i place a curse on this soul-sucking man-child i genuinely cannot tell if she's joking or not but i get paranoid and scared and feel like i have to watch my back because what if these curses are real i asked her to stop doing this but she refuses how the fuck do i deal with this issue well firstly was she one of these young witches who hexed the moon because if so we've got a problem with her already well they were like baby witches right or whatever the hell they were called yeah this could be a baby witch you don't fucking know i don't know she doesn't say baby witch you put like baby which just means a new witch i don't know how the baby which was like a whole separate category of

witches it's just like they're too young because obviously no mature witch would hex the moon because they know better. God dang, get with the fucking times. Have you been doing your witch talk homework? I haven't, no. God damn it, Dane. I'm sorry. Our whole podcast revolves around the fact that we're up to date on witchery and TikTok. Those two things we're both very up to date on.

Witch talk. Witch talk. tiktok those two things were both very up to date on which talk which talk like it doesn't necessarily matter that what she's doing is a like a big bag of crap i'm not real the fact that she believes it is is is the bad thing right like if i thought you know rosemary was poisonous and one day me and my girlfriend got in a fight and then she found a big clump of rosemary in her water like it wouldn't be like oh cute rosemary water or like haha he thought he was poisoning me it'd be like oh shit like this person literally is trying to poison me even though he's very bad at it you know yeah it's it's like presence it's the thought that counts um you know

so the fact that she wants bad things to happen to you is not cool also that sounds really scary yeah and that's a mention of candles she's calling you a soul-sucking man-child yeah that's not nice why like well she's ironically trying to do things to your soul and also playing dress up so the irony levels here are high but also like if that was the way i wanted like if i described my partner as a soul-sucking like bitch it would be pretty evident that i shouldn't be with that person you know what i mean like if those are your adjectives for the person you're supposed to care about maybe you don't care about them yeah and if you're saying i don't know if it's a joke you're worried enough to go on the internet about it i guess you you know it's not a joke

uh yeah i think he's more worried about whether the curses are real or not well i got the impression that he is somewhat like he doesn't think they are but is still a little worried but it seemed before that he was like i don't know if she's joking or not that's a pretty big fucking setup for a joke that doesn't really have a payoff yeah also if my joke was like hey dave you're a shitty friend and like that was just kind of it like i hope bad things happen to you yeah that wouldn't be a very funny joke especially if like there was no punch line it was just me being mean to you like yeah saying not nice things and then also like wishing you ill in a spiritual sense in from a thing i believe in you know what i mean like that's when you have an argument can you just go into your bedroom and

get on your knees and be like dear jesus i hope that you smite elizabeth for not taking the garbage out when she said she would like i mean like I would also like to know what you're fighting about. Turn all the water in her body into wine and kill her from the inside. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Jesus, for killing the person I'm supposed to love. It's just a joke, Elizabeth. I'm just kidding when I asked Jesus to murder you. God.

The other thing I could maybe do is get a wizard costume and start doing some arcane, you know, magics on her. And magics is spelled with a K. Or maybe just, yeah, of course. Maybe fight back and be like, hey, you don't stop doing that. I'm going to hex the moon. She'll be like be like hey you don't stop doing that i'm gonna hex the moon she'll be like no you can't be like that's not again i've contacted some child witches from witch talk and we're gonna fucking get in the group and we're gonna we're gonna hex the sun have you tried putting a circle of candles beside hers and just copying what she's

doing almost like uh i know you are but what am i but for witches if you're going to be called a man child you should 100 behave like a bad child no well now we did get that one question where the guy went all out on being anime and we told him not to but now we're giving what i said was the advice we would have given in this situation which is to go into it too hard so dane which one is it well you see when i when you haven't done it i'm gonna tell you to do when you have done i'm gonna say hey man that's a bad idea where did you get that idea from what are you doing have you tried getting a bucket of water and melting her oh that's true maybe do that and just be like oh sorry i wanted

to melt you to death like like the witches in the movies and when she gets upset she's like it was a joke but every time she does this just soak her with a bucket of water have you tried just while she's doing her things sneak in and extinguishing the candles i mean like i feel like we're now giving you reasons on like how to accidentally truly summon a demon yeah but also witches pray to certain patrons right have you tried getting a really accurate costume of this patron and when she's trying to curse you putting it on and walking mysteriously into the room maybe with some dry ice creating a little fog behind you because then you could just be like hey elizabeth stop calling on me your boyfriend's actually quite rad and then just say man we play together on warzone all the time yo dave's actually pretty sick dude man his

quick building skills in fortnite are top notch yeah i think you just gotta do that i don't know if we've given this person real advice what you need to do is you need to sit down with your girlfriend and be like hey let's have a real conversation and don't run away every time we have a disagreement and put on a cloak because that's a fucking... You want to talk about childish? That is a real fucking childish thing to do. It's no different than

when you have a fight with your parent as a kid and be like, I'm running away and you run upstairs and start creating a little homeless bindle. Yeah. You need to basically either leave because again, not a great way to solve problems in a relationship. Or yeah, as Dane said, just be like, hey, when we fight,

we need to actually talk. You can't storm off and play dress up. And if she's like, fuck you, I'm going to do that. I'm not going to actually communicate with you or try to solve these problems. I'm just going to wish harm against you and say bad things about you. Then you need to leave that relationship because they're not respecting you.

Let me just see if there's a different version of this question because I feel like it got shorter. This is by Lightweight Thick. My boyfriend, male 25, and I, female 28, got into an argument what led him to ripping and throwing the wrapped gifts under the tree. Christmas is ruined. I know it's just after christmas but we can still do a christmasy question because we didn't answer any last week yes and what's more christmasy than ripping up and throwing away the gifts uh-huh it's just over my one year anniversary with my boyfriend and we got into a huge fight tonight because a girl followed my business instagram which is public and i asked him who it was. I don't know her.

He said he went to high school with her. His friend dated her, and that's it. They don't even follow each other. But how would she find me? We live states away. It has to be through his page. So when I pressed on it, he flips out. Weird, right?

I'll say, no big deal. I'll just message her and ask how she found me. He messages her first, making me seem a damn fool. He then rages out, ripping up the wrapped presents under the tree and opening the gifts he brought for me, ruining Christmas. He then goes on to call her on Instagram to explain to her that there is nothing further. He remembers her handle. From six years ago? I don't think so.

Something is off. Other than Christmas. Man, that's like, almost like a booked blurb. That could be the plot of our next erotica. This is so fucked on both sides of things. Right? It's almost like they were trying to one-up each other on overreactions. And this man won, obviously.

He did it. I mean, she did also then declare Christmas was over. I would love to, because like, let's be fair. Neither side looks good here, right? No. But she's the one telling the story. So I'm going to assume she's trying to present her in a better light than what really went down. Even if it's 5% better.

Or in this case, I imagine maybe 100% better. Yeah, because if this is the thing that think like you think is gonna get people on your side yeah like look i i went on a deep dive on reddit today and realized that like this podcast needs to exist more than i ever thought it did but it's when you i just i can't imagine living in a world where you monitor, like, how would you find out that this woman, like you have a business, the whole point of being on Instagram is for people to find it.

Like, are you going to sort of be like, wait a minute. How did this man from the Ukraine find my business profile? It's like, do you not use hashtag? Do you not like want people to, I don't states apart.

I don't live states away. It has to be through his page. Like I just, I don't, you must use hashtags to get discovery on your content. That is the whole purpose of having a business Instagram. Also, like if you're a friend of a friend, like suggestions come up. People are suggested who I know.

It's like, oh, one mutual friend, Dan who i know it's like oh one mutual friend dane miller and it's like okay cool like i don't need to it's just insanity that like i imagine also like i don't what did you think was happening it's like okay so she even if she was looking at his instagram page, saw your business and was like, oh, this is cool. Like, where's the crime? I assume she thought like he was cheating on her with this girl, which is like such a bizarre move to be like, oh, I'm fucking his her girl, her boyfriend. Now I'm going to go follow her business i'm just gonna rub it in like in a stealthy way which wouldn't work because not most people in the world would assume wait someone followed me they must be fucking my partner yeah also it's like how bad is your business doing that you are

that zeroed in on like the individual people that are following you well i was gonna make a joke about how like imagine if everybody who followed the podcast we were like how'd you find us but we also have asked many people how they found us but that's literally just curiosity because we've never like advertised um yeah and also like it's it's fun to like figure out like if she was like oh it's neat that someone across the state found out about me and I'm interested in how the discovery works. But no, no, that's not the point what she's making. And then, like, I don't understand his reaction to just be like, like, all you have to be is like, I don't know, maybe it was on a suggested friend thing.

I'm assuming that she freaked out at him. You know what I mean? I can't imagine that she was like, oh, who's this person? He was like, oh, no, you know what i mean i can't imagine that she was like oh who's this person he was like oh no you know because she says he says whatever and then she's like so when i pressed he flips out it's like yeah but you're pressing why did you not believe him when he said it and then you're gonna message her and ask how she found him but her but then when he messages her she gets upset it's like weren't you just gonna do that anyway making you seem a damn fool it's like surely it's less weird that the one person that

kind of knows her messages even this whole thing i think the the advice here is that both of you need to remove yourself from the dating pool become and from the internet yeah just go live in the mountain by yourself somewhere and then no one will be able to find you yeah i can man it would be exhausting if like i post a bunch of pictures usually you know back when burlesque shows existed i would always tag amanda in the photos as her like burlesque persona and i i'm sure that there are people on that like i went to high school with or like people that i know are following her specifically because i've posted photos of her show and stuff like that and like they wanted to support her or whatever um or she's just babe and wanted to look at pictures of her maybe they're just straight i cannot imagine how exhausting it would be is if amanda every time

someone followed her she then looked at the program wait a minute you know dane how how did she find me like it just that sounds like a terrible existence and i don't i don't know what to like say other than like just walk away from this because you don't obviously you don't trust each other yeah and and if it's like if the trust is that fucking paper thin that you have like you guys both have a meltdown yeah over a mutual friend liking your business yeah like this is poison this is like mental poison like putting myself in this position it hurts my soul like it hurts my head everything about this is fucking agony and i hate it and you both need to stop like i break up take some time to become

better people and fucking chill now i i don't like i'm not a social media wizard or anything but like anytime i'm on reddit and are like, I noticed that my boyfriend, like this photo, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

blah, blah. It's like, how do you guys even track that? Like, I, I couldn't even tell you what photo, like,

unless I'm mutual friends with it. And Amanda has commented on a photo that I've also cut. It's like, I don't know what the fuck she's doing on social media. And like, I trust her completely. So I don't care what she's doing on social media. So it's like, and like i trust her completely so i don't care what she's doing on social media so it's like and like if that's not the base of your relationship like if you aren't like

completely okay with the fact that your partner has an independent social media presence if that gives you anxiety or if that thing like if that's put you teetering on the edge of insecurity then there's a lot of work you need to do on your own side of things yeah i just don't understand but this thing is terrible and neither you should be dating i'm sorry yeah specifically not each other god no okay here's here's something that kind of ties into it um this comes from reddit user bored and scrolling so my 22 year old male girlfriend, 22 year old female saw a randomly generated tooltip on my

iPhone screen with all the widgets and now thinks I'm cheating on her. A tool? Tooltip. Like a drill bit? No, like the you know when you hover over something and it will like give you a hint? That's a tooltip. What? You've never heard of a tooltip before like if you go and

hover over like a like the the save icon on like word or something if you leave it there it'll say like save okay so i guess i guess the iphone like i'll read the question it'll make sense yeah in effort to hide cheating something i've never done and never will do from her which doesn't even make sense because she has my passcode and rifles through my phone and messages all the time uh so the very fact that she rifles through your phones and messages all the time is pretty indicative that if it isn't this tool tip it'll be something else say someone following her business that will set her off um and i've been my last girlfriend was exactly like that she was convinced just so convinced that I

was cheating on her like to the point where she would get upset when I went to work because she would like worry that I guess I was lying about work even though like she could just come down the road if she was you know and visit which I would ask her to do it like hey visit me like I'm fucking in the restaurant right now we're dead I would love to hang out and she wouldn't or like I'd be with a mutual friend of ours who's a guy who she's known for longer than me and she'd be like oh really and it just became a

thing where like everything was an issue you know what I mean there was no sanity behind it it would almost be like the less of an issue there was the more she seemed that there had to be one because like it's like if she couldn't find evidence that was more suspicious it was fucking insane and literally like by the end of the relationship it had just been like a giant stretch of hell uh which i should have ended a lot sooner than i did but it's always you know

easier looking back than when you're in it right of course and every time i see or hear questions like this now i like feel that pain i'm like oh uh so you need to probably just leave but if you don't want to just leave you need to have a talk about trust and you have a talk about respect because if she doesn't trust you that's not respecting you and if she doesn't trust you you guys shouldn't date flat out um you know a tool like you i'm sure you could look up the tool tip and show that it does come up you know what i mean i'm sure that's probably an easy thing to do but also like i don't know it just seems like a bad situation so you need to be able to talk to her and be like hey look, look, if you don't trust me, we can't have a relationship because I can't be walking on eggshells because that's what it devolves into. It's like, shit, I know I'm not doing anything wrong, but what if it looks like I'm doing something wrong?

So I guess I shouldn't like text my friend who just texted me or you end up like texting and like tilting the phone towards them just so they can see it just so you don't get in trouble and that's not a good way to live so you need to be on the same page which is i trust you and i know you're not going to do anything or you need to break up and let her get over her insecurities by herself before she finds someone else to date that's the thing it's like look we've talked about it before we've and i really want to hammer home this it's like if you start dating someone or start seeing someone and you don't trust them then you shouldn't date them there is no reason to enter a relationship with someone you do not trust yeah it makes no sense it would be like would you lend a thousand dollars to a dude on the street who's like hey hey can i borrow a thousand dollars you'd be like no that's crazy i

don't trust you why would you then be like hey do you want to like live together or you know spend x amount of time together i know you don't trust it's the same sort of investment you're still investing something of value to you which is your your time and your emotions and your you know so if you don't trust them enough to do those things, don't do those things. Yeah. Stop doing it. It makes no sense to me.

I can't imagine a world in which I would look at someone and be like, oh man, this person's shady as hell. You know what I should do? Commit exclusively to them. Why? Why would you do that? And the thing is,

it's, it's one of these things where it's just insecurity mostly or it's uh projection where they're actually cheating on you and neither one of those two things is good if it's insecurity you need to sort your own self out before you start taking that out on somebody else in a relationship because now it's your it's on you to prove that you weren't doing this thing which is really hard to do i guess um like obviously because you're on reddit trying to solve it you're hoping that the weight of a bunch of random people on the internet will stop your girlfriend from being angry at you and let me tell you that fucking sucks that's a real grim reality man to anybody on the paranoid side of

things you have two choices and it's get the fuck over it or get the fuck out of the relationship. There is no in between, you know what I mean? And it's like, if you trust someone and they turn out to have been not worthy of your trust, fuck it.

It doesn't matter. That doesn't reflect badly on you because you don't have a third option, right? You either trust them or you're out. So if you trust them and it turns out like, fuck it. Okay. But you didn't really have any other choice other than getting out of that

relationship. You can't like not trust someone for fear that you'll be wrong. Cause it doesn't matter if you're wrong, you're wrong. Get out there, find a new relationship. If you're right, then you can actually have a good relationship.

That's the thing. It's like half trusting someone is like, there's like you said, it's just a binary because like, even if you're like, well, I never really trusted him. It's like,

yeah, but you're still with him. Yeah. And you and you just like miserable so so the option of like trusting them half trusting them are all the same side because the other option is not being with them so if you're either with them or you're not half trusting them is still being with them but being miserable while you do it and making them miserable and arguably probably making them more likely to cheat if you're on their fucking ass all the time right which is not saying that it's ever warranted you know what i mean like if you're cheating on someone you can't be like well they thought i would so i did it's like you're still shitty whatever but you know you're not

doing your relationship any favors by being miserable is what i'm saying and yeah treating them badly and making them miserable and it's and it's very easy like look i get it being cheated on sucks so if it's happened to you in the past it's very hard to sort of like not bring that with you to your next relationship but here's the thing that onus is on you yeah you know what i mean like it's your responsibility to leave that baggage behind or at least acknowledge it and deal with it during and it's like you might have to get therapy if it's so bad that you've really like look back at your relationships and see how many times you have felt like someone was cheating on you and whether they did or didn't, you need to like, look back and be like, okay, I need to figure out why this is happening and why I'm continuing

to bring it with me. And the best way to do that is with therapy because they will help you sort out the feelings of something that I struggled with for the longest time was an act inadequacy. So it's like, that is, I think one of the most common reasons why people think their partner is going to cheat on them is because you feel like you're not enough for them and they will need to supplement you know what you're lacking whatever your perceived notion of that is um so i think i think therapy is a very very good thing to suggest to your girlfriend if you want to stay with her. But like this amount of invasion of privacy and mistrust, I think you really just kind of got to be like, you have things you have to sort out and I'm not going to be the punching bag that you work through it on.

Yeah, 100 percent. Everything you said. But it is it is on you to fix this, I think is probably the most important thing that you're saying, like on the person who's the paranoid, upset, non-trusty one. You know what I mean? It's not for someone else to prove their fucking worth to you. If you don't trust them, don't date them. If you can't trust people, again, maybe it's for a valid reason. Maybe you're just insecure. Maybe you've just watched too many reality TV shows. I don't know. Either either way if you're ready

to date date if you're not ready to date don't fucking bring that to someone else's life and make their life hell you know there's it's pretty fucked up all right you ready it's kind of similar to something else today i fucked up by killing the best relationship in my life because she complimented me it was in the early this is by Gentry Adams. In my early twenties, seeing this girl for a few months, our sexual chemistry on point, enjoyed each other's company immensely, but timing was off as we had plans of relocation that were set in motion before we met. So we stayed as friends for benefits. So we were one night lying in bed post-coitus bliss after what was probably the best sex we ever had, breathing still heavy, and she seemed more coquettish than her usual self, snuggling her body close to me in the tight embrace, she softly told me I'm the only man for her, and she wanted our relationship to be exclusive.

Assuming my charm and sexual prowess brought on this turn of events, I was beaming with confidence, ego stroked by my apparent ascendancy to near-sex-god status. While I imagined being one of my effortlessly cool and devilishly masculine moments, I replied to what do I owe this honor. She proceeds to regale details of her weekend escapade, a girl's night out with sorority sisters, where the night ended with her drunk out of her face, hooking up with this French Algerian guy. She described the shock and horror when his penis inevitably made its debut. Apparently it was 12 inches long and thicker than a Coke can. Said she was frightened by it, and it looked like a torture instrument that would tear her apart. Apparently the mood soured and he left her place awkwardly. Now I pack a standard six-incher

with some room for expansion depending on my level of arousal. Never had any complaints by previous partners which by then was a significant number but never any reason to be the second guest of my sexual abilities.

I did have an acute awareness of being a grower not a shower. Buying into the porn skewered reality the bigger is better. Whatever latent insecurities I had was magnified and put out on display. My breaking point came as these words came from her lips. I kid you not, he was probably twice as big as yours. Carved deep into my consciousness with animated violence, overwhelmed me with feelings of inadequacy,

clouded my ability to control my most basic faculties. Said something about how much she anticipated my visit, and I just think she's falling for me, blah, blah, blah. Ended her confession by teasingly going down on my flaccid cock, telling me this is all I will ever need. I don't think I have ever felt so small in my life. Got out of bed, got dressed in silence, and just left the room without saying a word. This, of course, left her in a state of confusion.

I never called her again, blocked her on all social media accounts, and spent the next few days at home in crippling depression, wallowing in self-pity, rejection, and inadequacy. Thinking back now, a far more secure manpity, rejection, and inadequacy. Thinking back now, a far more secure man in my 30s, I often second-guess my reaction. Was I being an insecure drama queen? There I was, the most amazing sex of my life, gorgeous girl I liked pouring her heart out, praising the superiority of my average-sized dick while professing her love to me, yet the only image in her head was her staring with wise eyes at the sheer size of his monster Dom. Once the

image got stuck in my head, ego blinded by the green-eyed monster, there was no turning back. That's it. I'm so confused. What's the question? Did I fuck up? Was I being an insecure drama queen? Like, yes and no.

I think it's very strange. I don't think a lot of people understand. It was obviously meant as a compliment. She was obviously trying to say that this was perfect. This is what she wanted. I don't know why she thought that story was the one to tell. See, that's the thing. It's almost like the other question we had, which is like, oh, you're fourth best, which out of 21 pretty good you know whatever but you're

still really being like hey there are three people better than you you know what i mean where's this is like oh you're you're small dick is all i this is all i need you know what i mean like he was twice as big as you this is all i and it's like yeah he's like you could just be like i love your dick i miss your dick you know what i mean like i just like this dick so much that i want to keep fucking this dick you don't just say it's perfect just say this is the perfect dick exactly that's what i'm saying you don't need to then be like hey let me let me go on that length about this this algerian guy's massive cock because it's this weird it's almost like negging you know what i mean it's like putting you down but like it's still technically a compliment yeah

and it's like i get it like we're fucking weird about our dicks like there's no there's no surprise to that there's no secret to that and the fact that like people still like like the the eagerness that women tend to have about comparing dicks um regardless of like what the intent is like i've definitely had like i've been in this situation where people are where women have been like oh the last guy i was with was so big i couldn't even fuck and it's like well neat you know what i mean it's like and it's like but you know we still had great sex and we had sex multiple times so obviously it wasn't a problem you know what i mean but like it's still kind of like a slap in the face whereas like it would be

similar to like i don't know so like being like oh the last girl i fucked you know she was so tight i could barely get in yeah because it's like like oh man i was with this girl once and her tits were like so big they were like you know we could barely fit them in a t-shirt and they were like great but your boobs you're just like little handfuls that's all i need yeah i'm sure if this that was the question it would be a lot more like oh we get you you know what i mean or i feel like a lot of the audience would maybe get it or women i don't know i feel like for women maybe this isn't as uh easily understandable of a situation but like i do think if you were with a guy and he was like oh man i was with this girl and she was just like so toned and her ass was so you know so big it like i couldn't buy her trousers i didn't know how she'd get in them but your little butt is just

fine you know but it sounds like a put down now what i'm wondering is because obviously there's some insecurity here about size which whatever we've all had it or have it or will have it, you know, literally every guy or, you know, I'm wondering if there's context we're missing. Because for me, like, if he was bringing up kind of his insecurity and like was talking about people who are bigger. And as a result, she was like, I was once with this guy that was bigger and i way prefer this that would be but he wasn't i know but if he was is what i'm saying oh yeah if he was like oh i wish i had a bigger dick and she was like well actually i've been with a dude who had a huge dick and i hated it yeah like okay great yeah that's that's a valid

time to sort of bring it up and i'm like i remember there remember there was a point, I don't remember when it was, but I definitely, I was, there was a woman I was sleeping with on, on the regular. And I mentioned, you know, I didn't want to be compared to other dudes or something.

Maybe it was, I think I might've been going to a waste of someone. And I was like, I don't really want to be like, you know, the visuals comparisons are very obvious when people's dicks are out. You know what I mean? It's like when,

when i can visually see that someone's dick is significantly larger than mine it's like that might have an effect on me and i was expressing that concern before going being like i don't know how because i think it was like my first time going as well so i was like i don't know how this is gonna roll out for me yeah which is fair and also like good communication because you're like letting them know what may or may not be a problem so that in the moment later on, you're not going to be like, well, let's have a whole chat about it. You can just be like, hey, that thing's happening. Yeah.

But then I remember like someone just being like, you know, I've I've been with X size penis. I've been with smaller penis. It's like that's just kind of like the nature of being, I guess, a heterosexual woman or a woman who sleeps with people with penises. And it was it was reassuring to sort of be like the one thing that really helped me get over, like sort of size anxiety is the idea that if someone is wants to continue to have sex with you, then like the size doesn't matter. And it's so hard to get that. Like, it's so easy to say now and so hard to sort of get over it when it's a concern but like if you find a sexual partner who wants to have recurring sexual encounters with you then something is working they're presumably not just slogging

through it out of you know yeah usually your sadness um there's also this like the the idea and again i'm pretty sure we've talked about this before that like bigger is better and it's like that's not the case i and i i i'm pretty sure we've done the same thing i urge you to go to like big dick problems on reddit of dudes who have these you know giant algerian dicks who are like i can't sleep with you know some of the women I meet because one, I don't fit or two, they don't want to, you know what I mean? It's like, it's, there's, there's a problem with everyone's insecurity with their dick. It is not mutually exclusive to people who think they're too small. So I do think with regards to this,

like one thing also not necessarily related to the question, but they do say I may have missed out on the best relationship of my life due to insecurities. They were friends with benefits for a few months. You know what I mean? Like that's not like I feel like he's putting a lot of weight on this. You know what i mean because also if it was that good i think it's it's roast into goggles to a certain degree and i also imagine that you're still in the like at the honeymoon phase at that point especially when you're not doing anything but fucking so it's like i think that needs to be taken into account before you start

having these melancholy kind of like look back sessions um that's just one thing i wanted to clarify because like you weren't really in the relationship relationship you know because even if you spend time together it's like you have no pressure because it's friends with benefits and it's like you know of course yeah but like there is also uh benefits to like using your maturity and your experience and your hindsight to look back and be like, oh, hey, I might have fucked up something good because of these reasons. And it seems like you've like sort of laundry list what you did incorrectly. And it seems like you've sort of gotten past those things.

And like that is the important part of reflection. If you could look back at something and be like, oh, that was a really good relationship. And these insecurities kind of tanked it. Moving forward, I'm not going to let that happen again. Or moving forward, I'm going to be aware of those insecurities so that if I'm in another relationship that I'm enjoying, I won't self sabotage myself. I think there's benefit to that. And it sounds like this is kind of what he's doing. But I think it is also important to like, don't look at it being like, oh,

I fucked it up. No, you made a mistake. We all do it usually on a much larger scale than this. So learn from it. And it sounds like you have, she isn't without fault here either. Cause it's a really weird and bizarre

compliment inverted commas like to to use with someone like comparing lovers in bed especially after something like this it's something to be done very very carefully if at all you know i think that's been pretty clear during today's episode the thing is it's so strange like i know why people do it people think in the moment they think that what they're saying is you know the highest compliment to be like i've had this and i didn't like it i've had you and i really like this um but to to use hyperbole or to use you know language that makes the other person seem better. It sounds like you're being like,

you know, I've had triple a, you know, prime rib or, you know, like I've had the best steak and I've really, really enjoyed this hamburger. Yeah.

When in reality, you're trying to say the hamburger is steak. Like you're the steak, but to do that, they're saying so many good things to almost make you yeah seem good but it goes the opposite because they're spending all this time being like look at how great this guy was i could settle for you you know yeah i just people need to be careful when they make these things and it's like you know were you wrong to do it or not i

guess not right because you felt that way so if you stayed and you were still upset it probably wouldn't have gone well um but yeah learn from it and move on and hopefully you're more secure now and hopefully she realizes when to when to do the comparisons and not also if she's single and you guys are like nearby i know they said they were moving but like i don't know there's no harm in reaching out again. Yeah. Like if you guys had a great time, like it doesn't, I mean like it does sound like you just kind of fucking dipped. Um,

I don't think like I also did a thing when I was sort of like kind of relearning everything on my own. I tried to reach out to people who I thought I had wronged or like did shitty things to, or, you know what I mean? I tried to reach out to as many people as I could and be like hey so when I did this one I'm sorry and two here's the reason why I did it and I want you to know that like I hope if I cause you any distress I like I think there's no harm of reaching I'll be like hey so sorry for dipping on you like that i was insecure if that

like it might bring you some closure if you think it's warranted if you think it's of any benefit to either one of you maybe reach out to her and and give her a chat yeah no harm all right i think that's probably it for us you got some tinders for us you know i do uh so at the end of every episode niall uh we usually get these sent into us from various listeners, usually Agent Valiant Heart. He is our Tinder deep diver. But we get dating profiles

and we comb them for red flags. We find a lot. Let's be fair. In an effort, we do it for comedy, but we also do it in hopes that you can tailor your online dating profile to be a little bit more successful and a little bit less crazy. Yeah, some of the ones we find are wild. Hello, I hold a Hong Kong passport.

I mainly live in Singapore or China and Hong Kong. I love traveling and I hope you can chat in a civilized way. Looking for an interesting mind? Stay away from the male donkey who is keen to mate. Chat is to broaden your horizons and enrich knowledge. Oh, that's cute. I do like the idea that there is a singular male donkey who is prowling Tinder for sex. That's the best part, because like you can tell like there's some awkward phrasing and just simplistic stuff. And it's like, oh, you know, they're translating to stay away from the male donkey who's came to mate. Like, is that a mistranslation or is it a warning?

Is there some sort of Chinese sex donkey that is on the loose? Right? Like, I'm kind of concerned. I just love how, like, it's all quite nice. And then you get hit with that in the middle and then it just goes on again. Like, it never happened. Yeah. I'm giving it a 10.

It's one of my favorite. I have no problem. I'm giving it a 7. Yeah, it's cute. This is Aria uh crown symbol princess show me the world bet you can't guess where i'm from tongue face probably the most talkative timid person you'll know my type still not sure gifts present emoji heart emoji kitty kisses cat emoji whoever said money can't solve all your problem must have not had enough money to solve them.

My uncle said finding a husband is like finding a business partner for life. Not quite ready to share a business just yet. Ladies, we can be friends. Fellows 5'11 and under, we can be too. Laws of attraction. Okay. There's a lot happening there that I'm not a big fan of. I must say, like, it was almost a red flag for me

but when they call themselves a princess I obviously have to that's my favorite thing to see I love when women call themselves princesses because nothing bad ever comes out of that you know they're really down to earth and kind and considerate

definitely not entitled no not at all here's the thing here's the thing if they're punk rock princesses i know we're being facetious punk rock princesses however i'm all about yes but this ain't no punk rock princess no no she's not um big things i don't like i'm so torn on the thing of being like the the height restrictions because one i think they're stupid and i'm not just saying that because i'm a shorter dude um but at the same time it's like you know what that would give me enough to be like okay i'm not gonna waste my time yeah in one sense

a lot of the red flags we we flag are good because they kind of tell you you don't want to date this person right uh or or you do you know what i mean or like let's say you are like five five or something and you go on this date like it's saving you time i guess because i doubt this princess is going to be chill when you show up and you're not under her arbitrary or you're not you know at her arbitrary height level um but at the same time it's also a shitty thing so i don't want to condone it because like you know there's a million different comparisons you could make like being like oh people above this weight don't apply or people with this size or whatever and they're all fucked up you know what i mean that's like yes in that case

you would also presumably turn people off and have them not date you but does it mean that's good to have no i think anyone who has these height things is a bit shitty i think the like i think the like polite way to do it would probably be put your height in it. I think most people would understand. If you're 5'5", chances are the girl who's 6'2". Yeah. But also a lot of 5'5 guys I know wouldn't want to date a 6'2 girl anyway. So it's like two birds, one stone there.

I don't know. Yeah. Most talkative, timid person you'll know. That sounds like a terrible combination. Just like, yeah, just nervously chattering. That's like, that's the idea that I get is like nervous chatter. Yeah, just like. Not saying anything, but saying things to fill the void.

Or just to fill the silence. This is like a one for me. Yeah, it's getting a three. All right. She's a one for me. Yeah, it's getting a three. All right. She's a certified wellness coach. Also, I just want to point in the last one also had a reference to being business partners, which is weird. Is Tinder now just like LinkedIn? Yeah, I don't know.

Health coach specializing in the reversal of chronic health issues such as autoimmune disease, diabetes, heart disease, and others. Passionate about helping others. Practice of Zen, Buddhism, Taoism, raw plant-based, wild foods. I assume it's whole foods. Lives in the moment. That's all we have. Nature lover, adventurous, bit of a rebel. Shh.

I'll know what I'm looking when it finds me. I mean, I don't really hate anything in there. Can you reverse diabetes and heart disease? I mean, yeah, there's like one of the big things that like diet has actually sort of like cured cancer and shit too. So there's a ton of like medical studies happening right now about the impact

of the food you eat and the ability to, like there are people who have gotten over diabetes by like significant dietary changes we'll see um so it's like i like i understand what you're saying like cool great i don't have anything you know i think there's a very specific kind of person that would thrive in a relationship like that the guy who ate two buddy burgers for lunch and that's all I've eaten today. Probably not going to get along with this one. I can give it a three because it's a very boring profile. It almost sounds more like a business profile than like a dating one.

Yeah. I'm going to give it a five because like there's nothing really happening. So now we have Amanda. Wait, what? I knew it. I'm going to go rifle through her phone after this. And this is just a snippet.

The key to my heart. Adorn me with cursed artifacts, then die mysteriously, leaving me to be the most feared widow in the village. I like that. I think we found what's-his-name's girlfriend. I think you found my girlfriend. That's fair. Have you adorned her with cursed artifacts? I mean, she sounds spooky enough. I i'd be interested i know you would be i'm giving they already have for amandas so i'm giving them eight i'm giving i'm gonna give it a seven it was pretty funny

i don't like that they asked me to die yeah all right you know everyone's got their quirks nobody's perfect and lastly this is this is Nayla. Standing tall a 5'2". I want to do adult things with you. Whispers. Taxes. Panting softly. Pay the mortgage. Moans. Make sure we turned off all the lights. Our utility bill was fucking 300 this month. That's incredible.

Yeah, 10 for me. Yeah, that's 10. Good job. You know, I was going to say it was going to be good when I heard her name. That name gave me powerful good vibe energy. Because it's almost Niall. Yeah, definitely. That's 10. Good job. You know, I was going to say it was going to be good when I heard her name. That name gave me powerful good vibe energy. Because it's almost Niall. Yeah, definitely. That's a zero for me. I'd never be able to say anything. Because she can never be better than me. You're right.

Except for that one Algerian man. Oh, no. Thank you very much for listening, friends. That has been our show. Dana, I've had a good podcast host. I've had, you know, just velvet voice, does his research, always here on time. You know what I mean? Just has some advertising friends who got us straight to the number one podcast list of all time.

Made us a bunch of money. You know what? You're all I need. Thanks. You're the only host I need. But I don't want that. I need a raging hog. You're the only host i need it's but i don't want that i need a raging hog you had a giant algerian cock man he was just such a good person but

people who are not great people like you are good too is what i'm saying it was like someone took those cans of cokes that you stacked up in the cafeteria after you're done drinking it and just put it in between someone's legs. I give it a fleshy sheath. This is our show and you've listened to it and we'd like to thank you for doing so. If you would like to send us a message or hit us up with a question that we will answer for you on the show, you can hit us up on various means of

communication. You can find us on Facebook at FCK buddies podcast. You can find us at FCK underscore buddies on Twitter. You can find us on Instagram. I believe the tag is now FCK buddies podcast because we don't want to get shadow banned by Instagram. Um, or you can email us at F buddies podcast at gmail.com or you can visit us online at f buddies podcast.com or plenty of beef.ca or plenty of beef.ca which is going to expire soon no i'm probably gonna renew it as long as it's still like 99 cents or whatever i bought it for it was 99 cents thank you to josh eel on the Harvest Cities for their song, The Paper Stars. This is kind of bad sex writing, kind of advice. And I feel like we're in a vice show.

So this is from Ask Man. And I figured, you know, it says become a better man. And honestly, I think we could take this advice. And it is one of their top 10 ways to flirt with a woman sexually. And this was, i found this on the men writing women uh like subreddit but it was initially posted in are the straights okay want to know a secret about female sexuality that 99 of men don't know do you i guess i'm gonna have to dain this is we shouldn't even put this on the podcast it's too valuable only one percent of men

know this many women feel compelled to vacuum their house when they're ovulating. Some experts believe it has something to do with wanting to clean the nest before laying her egg. So when a woman tells you she's vacuuming, say, vacuuming? Are you ovulating or something? She'll be stunned that you know this and wonder what else you know about female sexuality. Of course, if she doesn't know what you mean, fill her in. Women love it when you teach them something new, especially about themselves.

Does this guy know that ovulation is not anything to do with sexuality? Dane, Dane, do you want to become a better man or not? I know a fair amount of women. I don't want to brag. I highly doubt half of them vacuum.

Like, we're millennials. We don't fucking vacuum shit. No one owns anything. We just look sadly at our dirt piles and wish they were homes or, you know, appropriate wages. This is upsetting on so many levels. And the worst thing is that people think this works. My name is Dave Miller. Someone got paid to do that.

And we're not getting paid to do this. My name is now Spain. And we've been your fuck buddies. you