F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 119 - Unaware Mistress

Episode Date: January 11, 2021

Okay, just hear me out, maybe someone is in a relationship with you and YOU don't know.  It could happen, right?  Topics include relationship follow-for-follow, the "s" word, the moral grounds of cheating, the biggest, hardest pep talk two boys have ever given and how to be true to yourself and be sex.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. And we are a podcast, and the podcast is Dane Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. And we are a podcast. And the podcast is Fuck Buddies.

Welcome. We are a dating and sex advice show where we take your sticky sexy situations and turn them into sexy sticky situations. Simply put, we take questions either from our lovely listeners or from the social medias and we answer them for you. And we're recording this on wednesday january 6 2021 it's fucking buck wild y'all yeah um there's a like i don't know a bunch of terrorists have stormed the capitol building in uh america right now so that's that's a fun backdrop to this shit and look i know canada is not a perfect place i know there's a fun backdrop to this shit and look I know Canada is not a perfect place I know there's a lot of things we need to fix especially when it comes to like

indigenous communities and stuff like that but I've never been happier to be Canadian yeah America's really let the ball drop lately but yeah hopefully the people who are you know decent folk and not involved are safe today. And hopefully all the fucking idiots get arrested. But we've already noted a stark fucking response with regards to these protests and the BLM shit. So I don't have much hope for that. I don't know. Anyway, I think should we should we ignore like, sorry, not ignore it, but should we not delve into what's depressing?

And I would feel remiss if we didn't mention it but we've mentioned it i think everyone knows our stance on trump and his politics so i think we're just going to you know i don't know what it's going to look like on monday when this comes out hopefully not as fucking buck wild but let's let's make predictions here i'm gonna guess he realizes the error of his ways through some kind of personal epiphany and he's just gonna be like guys my bad i'm sorry i'm gonna i'm gonna step down you know i was i'm i'm an underdog better so i was gonna say the same thing i think i think 100 he's going to uh apologize for everything he's done over the past four years. Yeah, of course. And really try to set things right.

Well, the thing is, he is like saying one thing about me is famed for his beautiful apologies. Even today, his very eloquent speech driving people away from the Capitol building when he kept repeating they stole this election, which was a very soothing phrase and not at all going to rile them up. Yeah. If there's one thing President Trump is known for, it's his humility. Yeah, yeah. So we can rely on that to say that, God, I can't even keep this joke up.

What a fucking asshole. He better be in jail by Monday. Alright, let's go. Let's do it. You go first. Okay, well, we're going to kick off with a nice softball from one of our listeners on Twitter. Okay. This is from B, Agent B uh so my boyfriend is a

twitter we don't follow each other like should i be mad about this situation help uh yes you should and here's why i got nothing um those those numbers those follows is money as we clearly know we're we're pumping out the follows every day every day we can follows his money boyfriend should support your money does anyone really take twitter seriously anymore everybody takes twitter people take twitter way too seriously in fact yeah that's a good point that's a good point being being genuine like i don't see any reason you would be mad at this person unless for some reason your followers or your follow number is actually very important to you. And you have talked to your boyfriend and he just refuses to because that would be weird.

But if they just have one and it kind of like because a lot of people don't use Twitter. In fact, I had a Twitter for years that I just kind of like let fester and it became an unofficial Spanish fan page for Niall from One Direction, which is what happens if you leave your Twitter for too long unattended. And I'm sure there are a lot of people who are like, yo, Niall, why the fuck do you not follow me? And I just had one but did not use it. So the only situation I could see being mad at your boyfriend as being any way reasonable is if for some reason you're some kind of influencer or podcast hint hint please follow us um that needs those follows and you've talked to him about it and he refused to if he just hasn't so far maybe just talk to him

especially if you're like handle is something really fucking obscure because it's one thing like on Facebook if you guys were dating you both have facebook and we're friends that'd be weird because it's very easy to find each other on facebook because it's your name but on twitter you could be like sparkle sugar baby six nine twelve eight seven four underscore lol and it's like you saw this question too you have their hat it's like i don't know how you're supposed to find those people um so yeah it's like if you haven't asked him to do it and he hasn't done it then like i don't know is he a big tweeter yeah it's not a big deal um but like you said if you're like hey please do it it's important to me and he's like no yeah maybe i guess he has a little bit of right to be upset at him yeah other than that i wouldn't worry about it no not at all

all right hit me um this comes from international clique three am i a slut so i'm 22 and i feel like i have a very high sex drive when i find a guy that i, my mind is going straight to the bed. Not even like romantic chill lovemaking, but some hardcore shit. I'm assuming not all guys are down for that and it makes me uncomfortable. In my country, women are expected to be in the receiving end of things and I'm very aggressive at times. Quarantine is making things even worse. How do I deal with the judgment of others and my own emotions of guilt?

Sorry in advance, English is not my first language. it sucks that your country makes you feel that way but like there's no such thing as a slut right it's just a term we kind of made up that kind of has no bearing on real life um and it definitely you know if you do want to use it shouldn't come with this shame attached or this like judgment or anything. It's like, oh, wait, you're into sex and you have sexual fantasies about people you meet who are attractive. Yeah, that's everybody, pretty much.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. I think it's just a massive pity that like the culture, and let's be fair, like general culture is like that, especially with regards to women unfortunately um and i think that sucks but no you're not a slut at least not in any bad sense

yeah the i'm glad you brought it up because like the term slut is really what i wanted to talk about with this question it's it's such a like you it stood to be a way to indicate women who were like promiscuous back when that was as a society deemed inappropriate or, you know, undesirable, really. I know that there are still obviously countries and places and regions in the world that this is still unacceptable, but like we're moving towards a world. Hopefully. I mean, we're trying to get us there as well, at least of where, how much sex you have or how much sex you want to have,

as long as you're doing it in a healthy and respectful and adult way, it doesn't really matter. It has no bearing on your worth whether you're asexual and just have absolutely no romantic or a or you know no sexual desire at all or if you're someone who wants to have sex with like three people a day or three people at once or different genders or you know it shouldn't fucking matter and like even just saying like judging someone's worth based on that is it's just a wildly dumb it's a wildly dumb thing you know i mean never should have happened and it definitely shouldn't still exist and yes as you said some countries it

definitely fucking does and even in general it's like no canada's kind of pretty liberal and accepting but they're still like you know they're still yeah but there's still like, you know, there's still that kind of like sense lurking, you know, it's never too far off. Getting better all the time, but you know. But no, fuck it, you're not a slut at all. Especially like if you're not doing anything.

That's another thing, it's like even by the worse, like even by kind of like if we want to go by like the bad sense of the word thinking about it is you know that's nothing yeah i mean like if we're all morally corrupt for like you know just having sexual fantasies or just sexual thoughts hey guess what we're all fucked oh because it's it's one of the most common things that human beings think about. Again, outside of, you know, asexual people and that kind of stuff. Yeah, it's it's a very common thing our brain goes to, especially when you're in front of people that you're attracted to.

And that is something you don't really get to choose who you're physically attracted to. No, it is. That is a chemical and biological response that our body does. It's like, yeah, we can tailor kind of who we're attracted to by getting to know them blah blah blah but you know if you're attracted someone you're attracted to them and if your mind wanders into the sexual territory which let's be fair it's probably gonna happen then you've done nothing wrong you shouldn't let people shame you for that and you definitely shouldn't shame yourself for it so fuck that yeah and it's like i understand that you might be living in a place where this could be dangerous for you to act

upon um and i'm sorry you know that that really sucks and i i hope at some point in time you can live through a sexual revolution for yourself and see yourself achieve sexual freedom i don't really have anything to like other than moving or it's like it's easier than you think moving to another country and starting a whole new life i did it and let me tell you if english isn't your first language i couldn't have told from that oh yeah that's like sometimes when you see that you're like oh okay like now i understand like the odd stutter that was perfectly written though so yeah don't worry about it hopefully like you you find like a place or a time or a person with which you can be safely

free but until then like even if the places around you and the people around you are you know judgmental and and whatnot don't don't be that way to yourself because that's unfair. Yes. All right. You ready? Yep. This is another one off Twitter. This is from agent Stegosaur. Is it wrong to cheat with other women when it is usually just online? And if she doesn't find out. Now the phrasing of this question is interesting because perhaps he's not talking about his partner finding out. Perhaps he's talking about the woman he's cheating with but okay okay hold on you you keep going with this because i have i have a a very pertinent flaw with that

but continue so he's having an affair with someone who doesn't know they're involved in affair with okay the same way that like you know people on instagram end up like getting into these sort of like emotional attachments to celebrities or you know instagram models and stuff like that because that's you know i'm just saying maybe that's what he's talking about so he's putting people in relationships they don't even know about who are in other relationships no i'm saying he's in a relationship. And because it says like, even if the,

the woman doesn't know, I'm saying maybe the woman he's like, so he's got his partner and then he's got his mistress. Maybe his mistress doesn't know that she's involved with him. That sounds very creepy. There's no way that that's possible unless he's doing some very creepy things. Dane. Well, I'm so I'm not saying he's doing anything. Cause he's saying it's just's possible unless he's doing some very creepy things dame well i'm so i'm not saying he's doing anything because he's saying it's just online maybe he's like following her and liking her post maybe that's his form of cheating well okay that's a very

important actual thing we're going to talk about i think is like distinctions of cheating but like let's just answer this is it wrong to cheat dang yes okay but but if it's usually just online is there again does the person know yes yes it's yeah i'm assuming if it's an if she doesn't find out it's talking about his partner yes i also am assuming that i could um what i love my syntax is important and grammar is important, friends. It's true. What I love about this question is that he's trying to weasel out of responsibility a little bit by saying if it's usually just online, which makes two things clear. One, he realizes that it's bad doing it in person, or at least worse doing it in person. But two, that it's also happened in person. Yeah, I guess if he says usually right

like if it's usually a lot that means it has also been not online so it's like in one way you're trying to soften the blow but you're also admitting to having like done it in person i'm gonna go out with a resounding yes yes it is okay no yes it is wrong all right yes he says is it wrong is it right yeah yeah none of this is okay being unfaithful to your partner is is never a good excuse regardless of like we could talk about you know abusive relationships and how hard it is to leave and that kind of stuff um and there's always exceptions to the you know the black and white but like nine times out of ten being unfaithful to your partner is the worst choice you can make yeah i find it hard to believe that there's a situation where it's

safer or better to cheat instead of just ending things because if things are that bad then i don't want to know how much worse they get when the abuser finds out they're being cheated on you know what i mean but again you're like i I feel like in this podcast, we should never really speak in absolutes. So I do agree that nothing is ever cut and dry, but cheating in general is bad. You raised a really good point earlier when you mentioned what cheating constitutes to other people, right? So it's like your idea of cheating might not be someone else's idea of cheating etc i think that's important for this question but in another sense it's not important at all

because part of me was like oh well maybe what he's doing isn't cheating necessarily by their standards but the thing is if you think it's cheating which he said obviously does because he says if you cheat yes that then you know it's bad because you're doing what you consider cheating yeah because like he's not asking something that is objective really you know what i mean he's not being like you know is eating a certain amount of sugar every day it's like you know because you can be like well if you work out you can balance it out blah blah blah but like you're just you're straight up being like i'm doing a bad thing is it wrong yeah yes yes it is you know it is because you've used a label that is used specifically for this bad thing yeah and like doing it just online it's still cheating if she

never finds out still cheating yeah yeah it's like if. If she never finds out, still cheating. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, if, if the question was, I sometimes flirt with people online or, you know, I, I flirt with people usually just online. Is it wrong? It's like, well, okay. There's a little bit of gray area there because you know, that's not necessarily cheating and you can sort of like, you know, discuss the parameters of your relationship and trust yada yada but like you've declared it as cheating yeah so you've you've made the line in the sand being like i am in bad territory and like if the question was if i kill someone but the police don't find out is it a wrong it doesn't matter who finds out and who doesn't it's not like tree falling in the wood situation it is just bad i'm sorry dude shouldn't be doing it and like cheating if done quote unquote correctly

people don't find out that's kind of the point of it so like yeah i'm sorry dude it is it is bad it is wrong just either break up with your partner and pursue these relationships or don't cheat on them online or not. Like, and don't try to, like, soften the blow by, you know, sugarcoating things, being like, it's just online, though, because that is that is still a meaningful way to cheat. Mm hmm. I don't know what else to say, dude. Sorry, but it is definitely wrong. OK, are you ready this comes from our good friends

we actually gave her a shout out last week this comes from ancient kingdom all the way from the Philippines she has a bit of a doozy of an email I'm gonna read it all except for some of the personal stuff because she said some nice things about us

why didn't you tell me these nice things, Jane? Because they're all mine. Oh. So just to recap, if you missed the episode where Agent Kingdom sent her first email because this is kind of a follow-up, she was seeing someone for a little bit, was kind of keeping it casual, then

wanted to lock it down, but he ended up having to move and was like, I just want to focus on moving. I, but he ended up having to move and was like, I just want to focus on moving. I don't have time for anyone else. Uh, and kind of dumped her. And then she was dealing with sort of like,

you know, the feeling of rejection. Um, this email is, uh, more of the same things with, uh, with past relationships.

Um, a lot of things have happened since my last email. Maybe I should write it down in bullet point the guy I was pertaining or the guy I was with pertaining into in my last email actually said this like verbatim. I just don't want to keep holding onto something that it doesn't have or that I don't have room in my life for anymore. Uh,

so for your sake, I think it's best that we don't talk even as friends and avoid contacting each other. I hope this gives you enough clarity to move forward just as I have, because it's simply just that. I will not be replying anymore after this, but I wish you well. He said this after I asked to be friends. I think I was a little mean on his part, since just because we had feelings for each other doesn't mean that we can just, or we can just throw away our friendship. I think that kind of sucks.

Also, how is it simply just that? Was whatever happened between us that easy to shove aside? I understand that it's his choice, but I don't know. What do you think? LOL. So I think he is probably like masking whatever he's feeling with this kind of cavalier, you know, cut and dry. This is where it is at situation. I also think it's very difficult to, you know, like Agent Kingdom kind of hit on the head where it's like there are these feelings and there was more closeness. I think that almost makes it harder to then transition away from where you

were. Like for me, it's rare situations where I want to go from being close with someone and being romantically involved to friendships because it's very difficult to do. It's very difficult to manage. It's very hard on people's emotions. I think we've many times told people not to do that in the podcast, kind of like as a matter of course it's like get your space don't try to transition into this awkward like half-life because it usually is very hard and doesn't really work especially right away like i i think there is the ability to sort of like i've done it with some of my exes where you can sort of like transition back into friendship and that's fine or at least acquaintance hood um but again i do think you need that space oh 100 yeah there definitely needs to be a pause and a reset and sort of a a bit of time

to let the dust settle before you try any sort of friendship thing again unless like again you know unless there is you tried something and it was like a short term thing and it didn't really work. But like to have, have like a, a pretty solid romantic relationship transition seamlessly, almost immediately into a decent friendship would be difficult. Yeah. I can understand where he's coming from. If I,

while also agreeing that like the way he phrased it is not exactly kind. Yeah. I mean, there is something to also be say it's like maybe this guy is just kind of a dick yeah like it it might not be what you want to hear because this is someone that you chose to like you know invest time and effort into um but like sometimes people are just kind of shitty and if that's the case sorry sucks. I'm sorry he's kind of like, you know, kicked you in the teeth while you were down. But on the upside, it's good that he sucks because then, you know, you're not missing out.

Yeah, I think you should. I think you should look at this as a chance to be like, oh, OK, fuck this dude and make it an easier way to break as opposed to trying to scratch your head and be like, what did I do wrong? Or feeling like closure is owed to you. And again, that sounds really harsh, but this is a lesson I learned from my last relationship where it's like sometimes you don't get closure. Sometimes you have to make it yourself. And sometimes people being like, I'm not. Most times you need to make it yourself. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Usually there isn't a clean answer and and if there is it's rare you'll find someone willing to give it to you you know yeah um so what i did was one i walled in self-pity for a very very long time because of it um so i'm not going to tell you to like not do that because i think it is kind of important to the healing process to just sort of like you know it's okay to feel like shit for a little bit but you need to also then like take a moment reflect be like okay cool this was a thing that happened and i let it affect me and then you know it kind of sucks but like maybe take his advice and and use this as a jumping off platform to move forward. Don't think about what could have been, don't think about like what you could have done differently unless there was a glaring thing that, you know, you feel like you did incorrectly,

then maybe register and be like, okay, moving forward, I will not do this thing anymore. Or, you know, it's, there's, there's all like, take this as a learning opportunity to look back, reflect on the relationship objectively and, and sort of like scan over it. Take learn your lessons wherever they may be and then move forward. Yeah, there's there's no harm thinking about it. The harm comes in obsessing about it. You know, give it give it a cursory thought. You know, if there is anything glaring, consider it.

You know what I mean? Just because you feel a certain way doesn't mean it's true you know i mean we're always likely to be hyper critical of ourselves um and there is no harm in in just thinking and seeing you know analyzing what happened but like it could be this guy's just a dick it could be he's just clumsy with his emotions and like the best way for him to express himself was this, which, you know, doesn't make it much better. But also it is really hard for people to transition seamlessly to France. So maybe he knew that

and just didn't know how to get that across in a kind of an adult way. I would also hasten or to remind you to like, you know, don't ignore all the good things from that relationship. Like they still happened, still like be happy for the fact that they happened. And, you know, moving forward, you'll be better equipped to deal with your next relationship. You know, it's, it's always been, at least for myself, you, you take these relationships

on and you learn from them. The next one is better because you've learned a lesson and you're a stronger person, you know? So, yeah. you learn from them the next one is better because you've learned a lesson and you're a stronger person you know oh yeah so take this as that you know that stepping stone and uh yeah it was good while it lasted and it's his loss like i literally don't think i would be able to date amanda without my past relationships no you know what i mean like the things i learned from those especially like her as a burlesque dancer and all that stuff, like my, my jealousy without my,

my previous relationship, my jealousy was terrible. Yeah. I think this would have been a, this would have been a very, very bad relationship. Had I not suffered through, you know,

the, the, the learning processes of other failed relationships. So, you know, try to keep that in mind and be like, this is the learning process. You're never going to nail it.

And even when you find a great relationship with someone that you care about, who cares about you, there's still going to be like tough times that you have to learn a lesson from to move forward, to get strong. It's just the way life is. And sometimes the lesson you learn isn't necessarily you changing. It's you knowing not to go for X type of person or,

you know, it's you learning the warning sign sooner. Yeah. But like, you know, I'm sorry. Sorry to end it that way. I do honestly believe it is their loss,

but fuck it. Onwards and upwards, bigger and better things. Now we get to part two of the email. Oh, dang. There's three parts. Okay.

I realized I still love my ex. The one that I was in a four-year relationship. But he doesn't want to get back together anymore. I sent him this long-ass message for Christmas, basically apologizing profusely and telling him how much I still love him and miss him. He just said, I hope you find what you're looking for and that you find happiness and peace.

Merry Christmas. Happy New Year. I understand that as exes, it's kind of awkward, but I kind of feel like he could have said something more. He also said that in the past, he doesn't want to get back together because I've had my sexual encounters and sex to him is something so pure and holy and you should only have it with someone you love. I respect his beliefs, albeit completely different from mine, but I just wish this wasn't something we can't compromise on. Hmm. So I am a big supporter of the don't get back with your ex camp. I generally think it's a disaster all the time.

And I've almost entirely, like I've never very much been, words. I think it's rare that I've been proven wrong on that at least in what I've seen especially when it seems to have kind of fallen apart on this weird like fundamental like maybe religious level or like because it's

usually a religious belief that has that kind of sex is holy thing to it yeah which also like I'd lost i don't know i don't want to say i lost respect for him once i heard that but it does sound very slut shamey you know what i mean like i'm breaking up because your past sexual uh it's like fuck that guy you know um as to the response it is a little cold in in terms of like he doesn't really get it it's almost a little impersonal but it's not unkind you know what i mean like i can understand why you might

be a little bit upset about it but like if he has made his his uh like like position clear and and you're kind of like coming out of nowhere with the long email i think in a lot of situations people could be worse you know what i mean they they could be either never replying or like you know inflammatory so i don't think it's maybe the worst you know because because if nothing has changed with regards to that situation like if he still believes the same you've definitely not slept with any less people since you hooked up with him um So I think like at the very least he knows where he's coming from. And like, he did said you at least positive wishes,

you know, I think it, it might just be that that could be the closure you need to move on, you know? Cause like, I don't know. I feel like going back to sex is a bad idea anyway. It's definitely a bad idea when you bring his beliefs in.

And like, obviously not the response you were looking for, but like if the situation hasn't changed, which I'm guessing it hasn't, then probably the best kind of response you could get, you know? I don't think they're going to be talking through their, like your issues because you guys aren't together. And it's like his issue is already set in stone and he knows that hasn't changed. Now think the there's actually four bullet points but the the

two uh last ones go together do you have anything to add on that one no because i think the final little bit kind of paints the full picture and then i'll we'll talk about it as a as a complete you let me jump in there blind okay no no No, no. I think what you said was valid advice. I started seeing this guy who I also got along with really well. We just really hit it off. It started getting complicated when he told me he actually had a girlfriend

and that I was his side chick. I ended up playing along. Yes, I know this was a stupid choice, but I just really enjoyed his company. Five forward a couple weeks, he tells me that he doesn't want me to see anyone else. I think that was kind of unfair, especially since I was his side chick, and he was the one with the girlfriend. The fuck does this guy get off?

The cheek! The sheer neck of this fucker! He ended things with me as well, because I didn't want to be exclusively his, and he made it seem like I was the one at fault. Even with the other sexual encounters, I feel like these guys that I've met just end up treating me like a piece of meat that they have sex with, which makes me feel disgusting after. I feel like I can't just seem to catch a break. After all this, my friends keep telling me to get off dating for what bit and find myself or something. I honestly think I'm pretty sure of myself and what I want. I've been doing the things that I love,

working out and reading books and focusing on my career. I keep thinking if I'm the one at fault or if I'm just not good enough for a good and healthy relationship or it's a dating scene really just that shitty in the 21st century. I completely understand that all these guys

have made their own choices and I can't do anything about it, but let me know your thoughts. Should I keep trying to date or take some time off for myself? Okay, let's first talk about what a spectacular dickhead that guy is. Also, before we get into it, she does say, P.S. Agent Sloan says hi.

Awesome. Hi, Agent Sloan. You guys are great. Fuck that guy. And by that, obviously, I mean, do not fuck that guy. But, like, that is the kind of shit that, like, I can't even believe is real. Like, not that I'm casting doubt on it, I just hate that it's real.

Yeah. Like, that is one of the, like, most mind-bafflingly disgusting and shitty things I've heard. Fuck that guy. Man, send him this episode just so i can say fuck you man you dumb fuck like what the fuck is wrong with you are you like oh my god you suck um

and i'm sorry i'm i'm pissed off but you also like you cannot let disgusting people like that influence your your thoughts or your self-worth or your self-view your view of yourself because there's nothing to do with you he made the choice to be shitty you know what i mean maybe you shouldn't have been dating a guy who was cheating on his girlfriend you know what i mean like but that's doesn't mean you deserve that treatment and it's also a different issue entirely because like again you're not the one that made the compact, the agreement to be in the date. You're definitely less in the wrong than they are or than he is. But even still, that's a different issue.

We've talked about that. We're on the same page. This guy sucks. As to whether you should date or take some time, that's entirely up to you. If you feel like you should take some time, take some time. to you. If you feel like you should take some time, take some time. If you feel like you want to date, date it. I know that sounds like the dumbest response to that question, but like different people go through different things. Your friend telling you to take some time and spend it on yourself, that might work for them.

It might not work for you. You know, I know people who after a bad relationship, they, they turn off the dating jets for months, you know what I mean? Uh, or they just jump right back in there. I'm definitely more of the jump right back in there kind of a person. And it's, you know, I've been through some fucking, I, there was a period where I dated people who were just terrible. And, uh, it really made me question my self-worth um and i think like you making you either being tricked by someone because like everyone puts the best foot forward when they're dating and it takes you a little bit to find out who the real person is that's not your fault and you do learn to to spot signs quicker. And also it's just like, you know, you not spotting the signs, that's also not an indictment of you as a person.

You'll get better at those things. And it's just, you got to learn from your mistakes and keep trucking. So I'm going to sort of jump on what Niall said. And well, yes, ultimately you have to make the call whether you want to keep dating or not. Me, however, I'm going to tell you, stop dating. And here's why. Because everything you've explained feels like me five or six years ago. When I went through my breakup with my last girlfriend, I was pretty much in the situation that you were in. And there were very, very similar circumstances. I felt like I didn't get closure. She refused to talk to me any further. And I was kind of left in this like, you know, limbo of feeling like I wasn't good enough, feeling insecure, feeling like I had no self-worth. And what I ended up doing was I ended up

becoming so dependent on having sex with people and meeting new people and dating new people. And I required that validation so badly that I sort of lost all sense of myself. It became very much a focus for me that like I would get actually depressed if I wasn't able to go on a date with a new person or sleep with a new person, because I felt like if I wasn't able to do that, I wasn't a valid person or I wasn't good enough. Or, you know, my insecurities just sort of like took over me in a comical bad mouth style way. You mean big mouth? Big mouth.

Yes. What did I say? Bad mouth? Bad mouth. Yeah. Big mouth style way. And like I had, there was like,

you know, some wild ass cartoon character who would literally pin me down and be like, you're a piece of shit. So I I'm seeing a lot of myself in you and what really, really helped me through it. And what sort of like slapped me back into reality. Uh, and Niall was a big part of this. It was, I invested my time and energy in non-romantic relationships. I invested in friendships. I invested my time and

my effort and my love into my friends. Um, and I think that like that literally, I could probably say save my life. I'm not saying I was on the verge of killing myself or anything like that. But like, it literally put me on a completely different path, a much happier and healthier path than I was on learning that love isn't reserved for, you know, the one or the person who's going to come and sweep you off your feet or the person you really get along with love isn't just for those people love is for the people who are telling you not to date right now because they are looking out for you or you know encouraging you for whatever reason or talking through like take a second and invest in them for a bit it's tough

because it's quarantine i don't know what your protocols are, but like really, really focus on cultivating your non-romantic relationships, because then when you have a culture and you have a circle of people that you are getting all the love and encouragement and support that you need from them, you don't need that from your romantic partner. And then you can focus on like, this is my romantic partner. I don't need that from your romantic partner and then you can focus on like this is my romantic partner i don't need them to make me feel like i'm worth something because i have an entire support system behind me that makes me feel like i'm worth something and then you're not you don't need them you want them you've chosen them you know exactly and you will quickly and like yeah you're gonna go through rejection again it It's probably almost inevitable, but when that rejection happens,

you're not going to be crushed by it as much as you are this time, because you have those people who are being like, Hey, fuck that guy. And hopefully we can be those people in the interim because fuck these guys, regardless of what they've done right or wrong, except for the last guy. He's a piece of shit.

And I have such a piece of shit. Like I, Oh, just if I hope somehow you listen and you're just the worst. I just know that. Get your shit together and stop being a garbage human. And you know what's funny is my response. I didn't even take in the other bullet points into my response because I was so sidetracked by this guy. Because to me, the fact that like the message to your ex coupled with this, I think is a red flag that maybe Dane is completely right that you should take a breath because it's like if you're feeling all these feelings of like rejection and like no closure and

like feelings for people who are, you know, sometimes it can be easy to sink yourself into relationships where you would previously not be, I don't want to use the word desperate, but that's like you overlook red flags because you're looking for a lot more, you know what I mean? You're looking for validation. You're looking to like ease that wound, you know, and again, we've all done it. There's nothing wrong with it wound, you know, and again, we we've all done it. Um, there's nothing wrong with it in, you know, like there's no shame in it, but like, it's not something we would recommend. So I do definitely side, I think with Dane, but you know, if you do want to continue dating or seeing people, you have to make sure you're doing it for the right reasons, you know,

that you're actually enjoying it and you're actually honestly doing it. And you're not just trying to like put a temporary bandaid on your, you know, your soul. Here was my moment when I was like, oh, I can actually start pursuing meaningful romantic relationships again. And it was when I stopped asking myself if I was good enough, when I stopped wondering. And I mean that enough, when I stopped wondering, um, and I mean that like as, as like a prevalent thought, obviously every now and then it's going to creep up on you. It happens to everyone. It still happens to me. Um, but like when, when it stops being the first thing you think of when you want to ask someone out or you want to swipe right on someone, when, when the thought of like, am I good enough? Like,

should I even bother if that's if that starts fading away and you don't hear that voice is loud, that's usually a good indication that you've like made some progress. And I really, really recommend that you do whatever you need to to silence that voice, because it doesn't matter where you've been, who you've been with, the choices you've made, you matter and you're good enough because like the outside requirements of that don't mean anything. Cause what you're asking is, am I good enough from that guy's perspective? And that doesn't mean anything. At the end of the day, it means nothing. What it should, what, what you should ask yourself is like,

am I doing what's best for me? Am I good enough to myself? Like that's really the only person you need to impress. And the only person you need to be good enough for is yourself. Yeah. You're the one that matters. And you're also the one that knows you, right? Like this, those fuckers don't know you yet. You know what that one fucker with the girlfriend he i very much doubt invested the time in knowing you so he has no idea what he's missing out on and who he's fucking around and who he's just being a complete dick bag to what a piece of shit because i promise you and you even said it in the in the email you you knew you were doing something stupid like you said that you admitted to it. And I promise you, and this is what I'm,

what I'm talking about when I'm, when I'm saying it's like, you don't have to be good enough for other people. You have to be good enough for yourself. You let yourself down when you did that. I know this is going to sound harsh and maybe not what you want to hear, but it's, it's going to be some tough love because I think this is what you need.

You let yourself down when you did that. Yeah. You're so much more than that. And you know it and we know it. And I'm so glad you knew it well enough when he pushed things because like, you know, like he went too far and you had to draw the line. But like the line was so much further back

because you are so much better than that. Yeah. So what that ended up manifesting when you let yourself down you internalize that and sort of like flip it on its head and we're like oh i'm not good enough for these people it's like no no that's not what happened you know what i mean like these people didn't leave because you weren't good enough for them i can't tell you why they left i can't tell you why they left. I can't tell you why they're being like, I don't want to talk to you anymore. I can't give you those answers.

The fucking latest guy left because you had a backbone and you had self-respect because he wanted someone who was willing to be his, I guess, object, right? Like, I'm going to give up everything while I know you have a girlfriend and just kind of wait on your beck and call. Like that guy left you because you were so much better than he was. And he knew that he couldn't handle with that. And that's, I think that should be like, that should be your starting point. You know what I mean? Like that's awesome.

That's a bad-ass move for you to, to put your foot down and draw the line in the sand. You should have done it earlier. And I'm going to be honest with you there. You should have done it way earlier. and by that i mean like probably shouldn't have gotten involved once he mentioned he had a girlfriend but we make mistakes whatever you learn from your mistakes and you did it when it counted and you know showed him his fucking place and now he's back to his miserable ass relationship but you've learned that lesson and this is what

like i i will keep talking about lessons and learning and everything because you learn the lesson right there and hopefully you will carry it forward of being like you won't do that anymore you know what i mean you will you will know that like you're worth more than that and it's true you are everyone is you are not someone's quote-unquote side chick no you're a badass it's funny you say i literally said that in the message but like i was like i'm not going to get into it because i want to talk about it on the show i was like i just want to remind you that you're a badass and it's like plain and simple that is the the attitude you have to go forward so do what you can i know it's harder than just being like okay like i'm not going to worry about it anymore because Cause it's not that simple.

If things were as easy to do as it was for us to say them, the world would be fucking just like, so like it would be a better place, but everything's tough. And unfortunately it is very easy for us to say things. There's a lot harder for them to be enacted, but we think you're fucking awesome. And I have zero doubts that you will be able to,

to do these and to move forward in a better place yeah but there is a there you do have to make the conscious choice to be like i'm going to make a change you know i mean you can't let this become a pattern you can't fall into it you need to if you're in a pit right now you need to start climbing and it's not going to be an easy climb probably but i promise you you'll get out if you keep doing it and you keep you know using the support of your friends and investing in non-romantic relationships i promise you you will get out of that hole and you will never fall down it again no that's not true because it's very possible that you might you know start seeing someone

and make a mistake and they end up being a shitbag too. And all I wanted to say before we left this question was that that isn't an indication on your worth either just because you made mistakes. You know what I mean? Because you start seeing someone and you think – so it's not like you're out of the hole and you'll never make a mistake again because then when the mistake happens, which will inevitably happen, unfortunately, dating is a cesspool. Again, it's no reflection on your worth. You know what I mean? Once you're not overlooking things, right? Like the thing I had to learn was to draw very hard lines on the red flags instead of making excuses, ignoring them, rationalizing them, or just living with them.

You know what I mean? I just started like maybe almost coldly cutting people out of my relationships because they weren't good for me or they weren't good in general instead of making excuses for people. And that's how I ended up finding or I ended up finding one of the best people in the world. So it works. Yeah. So I got carried away there. Yes. There is a very good chance that you might fall into a hole again. Yeah. Sorry. I know what you meant, but I just wanted to make sure that making mistakes happens and it is no indication on your own self-worth. You know what I mean? It's how you deal with those mistakes and how quickly you leave them. You know what I mean? Leaving them, learning from them, dealing with them. Those are the important things. But you got this and we have got your back.

Thank you for trusting us with this question. I hope it helps. I hope you figure it out. But just the takeaway you need to walk away with here is never wonder if you're good enough for someone. Just stop doing that. If you can figure out a way, whatever you got to do to stop doing that,

I promise you, you'll be in a much better place a week from now a year from now whatever and stop with the long emails to your ex I'm sorry it has to end yeah you need to take a page out of their fucking book and cut contact with them yeah they they are exes they

are in the past you need to move on all right this is by a non-sweet I'm not mysterious at all. And it gives me anxiety that people just will not be interested. My personality is pure, open, bubbly, super unfiltered. Thing is, people, when they know me, know I'm super deep and sensitive. But I feel like people assume they can read me pretty initially and that there's not much they don't know about me.

And that destroys sexual attraction. I have strong boundaries and I reckon my openness is a defense mechanism. I'm ashamed that I'm quite sexually open. I feel like in my past I've been told I'm not sexy unless I'm coy and shy about it. So now I'm like, wow, I just mentioned something sexual. I'm embarrassing and unattractive. I don't know. Have I just got carried away with this whole stereotype of people being better than me

because they're more shy and reserved? I hope so. Is this a man or a woman? That's a great question, to question to which i have no answer i mean i guess it doesn't really matter no i mean i guess it kind of does matter because being open sexually as a as a dude in i think in this sort of mindset probably means you're kind of gross true right like it probably means you're like saying things you shouldn't in times where you shouldn't i'm assuming it is a girl because they said i've been told i'm not sexy unless i'm coy and shy about it so unless someone was like dude stop just asking for blow jobs and that's how he read it you know like i can't wait my dick out i guess

i have to be coy and shy god people don't like when i you know talk about how much i can't walk into a room and whip my dick out i guess i have to be coy and shy god people don't like when i you know talk about how much i can ejaculate i'm open sexually guys god so that like that i think that is sort of like where i would really kind of like to know what camp we're in here i'm assuming a woman i also kind of got lady vibes too unfortunately like these old-fashioned people exist where dudes are like oh i should have to chase you and you know you should be sort of like the receiver like the question we had earlier um but like coming from me as someone who enjoys women and enjoys sex there is nothing hotter than a woman.

A who knows what she's into and B is willing to communicate it. Yep. There is nothing hot, even if it's something I'm not into. Like, I remember there was a woman who was like, I'm really, really into having my ass ate.

And I was like, well, not my speed, not a big fan of it, but we found ways in which to please her through like usage of toys and stuff and and like i wouldn't have known this if she hadn't told me and pleasing your sexual partner should be like one of the hottest experiences you have in a sexual relationship so i i don't understand the idea even like even though i understand like the social construct of like the demure woman yeah it doesn't make any sense to me

as a living breathing sexual person no and i think that whole like firstly there is no like there is no one true way of sexiness. You know what I mean? It's not like, oh, wait, you're not coy and shy? Damn, there's no way for you to be sexy now. That's just absolutely wrong. One person liked one thing, and they told you it, and you're lending way too much weight to it. Which, again, that's fine. It happens. I'm sure the person was not kind about it, because I doubt it would have stuck in your head if it was a compliment,

instead of being like, if you were coy and shy maybe you'd be hot uh there is no one way in fact the only way to be unsexy i think is to try to do things in an unnatural way right if you were attempting to be coy and shy and quiet when you're actually as you say super bubbly and unfiltered you probably come off like just the weirdest strangest person weird you also probably just would seem like you had diarrhea that you were barely holding in um which is what happens when i try to be quiet i have a regular bar who tried to do that she's like one of the loveliest people but she is you know when you think like blonde cheerleader like that archetype like that's her and i don't mean that in a derogatory way it's just like she could you know pep up a fucking you know nursing home with the amount of energy that she has um and she was she

was on a date at my bar and she was literally like trying to be sort of like pensive and quiet and reserved and i was like you look like you're a fucking serial killer you need to fuck i don't know what you're doing i don't know if you're like because i when he went to the bathroom i was like are you okay and she's like yeah why i was like because you look like you're fucking like about to be murdered or you're going to do the murdering um and it yeah it never when you go against your nature nine times out of ten you're fucking like about to be murdered or you're going to do the murdering um and yeah it never when you go against your nature nine times out of ten you're gonna be so fucking weird yeah because you're not acting naturally obviously because you're going against your nature and like there's

nothing less sexy than that so fuck being mysterious fuck being coy and shy fuck being anything that you're not the way to be sexy is to be confident and to be confident even if you're confidently shy you know what i mean like i'm not saying shy people can't be sexy because they're not like what you might think of as confidence like if you're true to yourself that's confidence and that is sexy yeah being being self assured that you are who you are and that's just the way it's gonna go that's the sexy part i can't tell you like it's funny again being a bartender it's one of the great joys of my work is people watching and like you can i the amount of people that i

walk in and i'm like you are incredibly sexy are nine times out of 10 people I'm not attracted to because they have this sort of like just presence of, you know, being like, this is who I am. I'm here. And it's like, whether it's the, you know,

slightly overweight woman or the like weird geeky person, or even like dudes who, again, I'm not attracted to men, but like, I can watch a dude walk into a bar and be like, yeah, man,

you're going to fucking kill it. Like you're, you shape that's the thing it's like you there is no like like i've seen people you know like you could point at any trait you know what i mean like someone who's really quick-witted and witty and it's like if you're trying to be quick-witted and witty it's not going to come off well yeah i mean whereas if you are quick-witted and witty you can 100 be super sexy when you're doing it. But like, you also will be super sexy if you're not quick, quick,

witty and witty. If that's what you are, you know what I mean? Like you just have to be confident and be yourself. You know what I mean? Fuck people who say you have to be coy and shy or anything that you're not. If they're not into you, good ditch them,

get someone who is into you. Cause the thing is like, if you watch like just choose like five celebrities that you think are attractive and then watch them doing like press junkies i promise you they're all gonna have very different like personalities and and jokes that they crack and ways that they like approach things and it's like they're all attractive you find all of them sexy and yet they're all able to manifest different characteristics and personality like yes that is that is sex appeal that is how it works yeah and you'll also probably find yourself

being more attracted to some and less attracted to others this all goes back to to agent kingdom as well i know i mean just fucking like this needs to be the year that you just stop worrying about other people and stop worrying about what you know what you think society wants from you and just be yourself be you and it's like it's such cliche fucking dating advice too but all right it's it's the best dating advice yeah yeah i'm like by all means try to be a better you if it's if it's genuine right and if it's like if you want to improve improve not change i think is is you know hone your blade don't become a gun yeah a lot of people are like oh but i'm a fucking you know i'm a nerdy

guy who plays video games and blah it's like i hate to break it to you but there are women out there that do that as well it's like yeah you might not get the fucking you know pool bar instagram model because like that might not be their vibe but like that doesn't mean that there are no women out there that are attracted to the things you do but also i know some cool bar instagram models who are nerdy girls who play video games yeah you know like me and dane are arguably very actually not even arguably we are literally very nerdy i write fantasy novels dane streams on twitch do you know how much time i've invested in building rpg characters that i'll probably never play yeah we play pathfinder which is dnd but more intense every Monday. It's a far nerdier version than the D&D you probably know.

It's got more math. So much math. I have spreadsheets of feats that my character could take. This isn't a joke, friends. Right behind my computer right now are notes I have on a fictional fantasy world I'm writing about. Two of them, three of them actually. Three different worlds. It's a lot of fake fantasy

folk you can find like it doesn't matter what you're into it doesn't matter who you are doesn't matter your personality traits as long as you're a shitty person then you know deal with that um just be yourself and fucking rock it and own it and be like this is who i am and if people don't like it then those aren't the people you're supposed to be with all right we should probably end yeah i could go on forever about how people should just be happy and hopefully you will hopefully this this preaching is is not annoying and isn't wearing because we do mean it and you guys are all great unless you're that one fucker listening in which case you're still a shitbag unless you're that one fucking guy i swear to god

we're gonna come to the philipp Philippines at some point in time when the world allows us to travel again, we're going to find you. I'm going to shake my head at you so slowly. Oh, I'm going to give you the dirtiest. Like I'm not going to touch you. Cause that's illegal and a crime.

We are travelers in a foreign country, but my shame will be palpable. Oh, you will be able to taste the disgust. I'll thank you very much for listening. Unless you're that one guy. Fuck yourself. It is a pleasure to be here

still. I really hope when this episode comes out, the world isn't as fucked. Hopefully Monday is a brighter day. Hopefully. Can't be much darker. Well, now you've done it. Well, if you have a question and you want to reach out to us, we've had a bunch

of Twitter and email questions today. You can hit us up on Twitter at FCK underscore buddies. You can find us on Facebook at FCK buddies podcast. You can email us at fbuddiespodcast at gmail.com you can find us online at fbuddiespodcast.com or plentyofbeef.ca that's right i did renew it it cost me 20 a month or this year thank you to josh eagle

and the harvest cities for their song paper stars should i look him up on twitter make sure he's not making is it weird that i just had anxiety being like oh no because it is very similar to yeah i know being dead uh for all intents and purposes i have looked at josh ego every now and then and he seems like just a pretty cool dude he says happy friday oh oh oh oh no it's good shit don't worry do you have some bad sex writing for us? You know, I do, but I also have some tinders. I don't know if we have time for tinders.

I'm just gonna hit you with one then. Okay. So this person, their name is Margo. That's important. Okay. They say getting lost in the supermarket as a child was scarring. My mama would call out my name and everyone would call out Polo drowning out my pleas for help. Oh man, that's good.

That's 10 out of 10 for me. That's a right swipe immediately. Even if like, yeah, oh, that's great. Thank you for bringing one that's finally good. Hey, I actually went looking. That one wasn't even from our good friend. That was from me i had to go find it nice okay hit us with that sex wedding so as everyone knows as you know dane

our erotic novel is is burgeoning it's coming uh soon wildly just all over all your collective faces i regret saying that but i've been doing some research. And you know what? Where else to research than with our good friend Bitch Williams. This is Dicked by the Dibbuck, Monster Quickie, book one. I'm just gonna read out the back. Rachel Maddox is on her way home from a party. A party where she just used her immense oral skills to please no less than six different men. But her night is just beginning, and that pretty little mouth of hers isn't about to get any rest. Before she knows it, a strange hobo is shuffling towards her. Oh no.

Is he an ordinary street urchin? Or a man about to be possessed by a terrifying demon known as Dibbuk? Bitch Williams, the author of Savaged by Slenderman, My Lactation Consultant is a Lesbian Werewolf, Bigfoot, You Are the Father, and Slammed by Santa kicks off her budget-priced series of monster quickies with this horrifying and sexy new entry into the world of erotic paranormal tales.

I'm sorry, Werewolf, You Are the Father? Yes. That's incredible. No, sorry, Bigfoot, you are the father. And my lactation consultant is a lesbian werewolf. Man, that Maury reference. Right? That gets me hard right away.

Now, do you want one review? Yeah, give me one. Fuck it, we're already over. Give me one review. Three stars. Short and strange and oddly hot hot this one was just okay for me story is meant to be strange and weird and erotic and it is i like the other bitch williams book my lactation consultant is a lesbian werewolf better i think the stinky homeless guy with the

unwashed member and blood dripping on her head was a bit too much for me but hey monsters need love too damn i mean technically this guy's not a monster. He's a demon. But hey, now we're splitting hairs. My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niles Payne. And we have been your fuck buddies. Be yourself.