F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 121 - Thumbs Down That Ass

Episode Date: January 25, 2021

You can let a man down easy or you can let him down hard or you can thumb that ass right down.  Topics include a delightful ball experience that every man definitely wants, a baffling work (maybe) romance, being bad at break-up texts, being known as the stinky girl, endless first date gambit. This week we are proud to be sponsored by MANSCAPED.  Go to http://manscaped.com/ and get 20% off + free shipping with the code: BUDDIES20.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Mal Spain. And we are your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice show where we take your sticky sex situations and turn them into sexy sticky situations.

I think you're going to need to hit that one again. Nope, that was it. All right. Simply put, we... Oh, sorry. Was I doing a Dane? We find questions online or we get them from our lovely listeners and we answer them on the topic of sex and dating

for you guys. We made it. As you can tell, we are very professional. It's only like we've done this for 121 episodes or something. Definitely, we've only done it for 120. Now we've done it for 121. You gobshite. Because there's an unnumbered episode

in there as well. We did make it to the end of the Trump presidency. Again, I'm always nervous to say things like this because who knows if he's going to be badly written. America is going to happen. He's going to pop up next week. He did say he would be back, I think, or something. He said, I'll be back in some form. So I'm thinking vapor.

Yeah. Do you think he's going to like be a ghost? Hey, we can hope. Do you think maybe he's like stash little holograms of himself all over the white house? I think the form he's, he's going to be around in is the poop he's put under various pieces of

furniture in the white house. Cause you know, he's done it. Oh, without a doubt, without a doubt, little, little Trump nuggets scattered throughout the highest seat of the country. That's a bad term. Are you ready for some sex news?

Oh, yeah. We haven't had sex news in a while. There's a lot of sex news today. So buckle your seatbelts. Heard about Gwyneth Paltrow's candle? Is it a new one that doesn't smell like her vagina? No, it's the same one, but they're reportedly now exploding in people's

homes. How does a candle explode? I don't know. We warned you. We warned everybody. They're just like, ah, fuck, we made dynamite. That we were supposed to make a candle, we made dynamite. I'm sorry, guys. Maybe this is a big flex so that Gwyneth can turn

around and be like, hey, told you my pussy's the bomb oh she seems so pragmatic as pepper potts in the marvel movies i know and then you hear about her in real life and she's just some like evil like crystal vagina witch i don't know um thompson who lives with her partner david said they threw the flaming candle at the front door. Could have burned the place down. It was scary at the time. But funny looking back that Gwyneth's vagina candle exploded in my living room, she said. Okay, hold on.

They said flaming candle. That is specifically what candles do. That's the thing. A lot of the headlines were it exploded. A lot of the headlines were it ignited. And I was like, there's a big difference because one is specifically its purpose and the other one is is more dangerous in further into this article it does say the candle exploded and emitted huge flames with bits flying everywhere so that that is a little bit more dramatic but i will say people we did warn you i mean it's yeah it's like this

exactly i'm sure wanted to give a very rich person your hard-earned money so that you could smell her vagina or at least a you know proximity of manufactured her vagina then this is kind of what you get this is is kind of instant karma, in my opinion. Yeah. Are you ready for item number two? Sure. This, uh, found this on, wow, not on Greg, but it was by someone called Clark Greg. They tweeted this out, and it's their favorite for headline of the year.

And I haven't read the article because I don't think we need to, but the title is First Preserved Dinosaur Butthole is perfect and unique. Paleontologist says, unlike all those shitty buttholes we have. Yeah, that's, that's all I need to know. Quite frankly,

are you ready for the third piece of sex? Is there a through line here? Is this clerk? Isn't clerk Greg, the name of agent Coulson from Marvel? I don't know, but would you like to reveal that this is actually

an Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. operation right now? Because I don't think they're launching Dinosaur Butthole as one of their characters until the new 53. Clark Gregg is the name

of Agent Coulson. Wow. So currently, I don't know if this is the same Clark Gregg. I'm going to pretend it is because right now I'm hoping we're going to get a Marvel trifecta here. So help me with the next piece of news.

Have you heard of Battleshits.ca? It's Chris Hemsworth's new website. It is. Yeah, this is all Marvel themed. No, so I don't know what this is. And I'm pretty sure I don't want to know what this is. But they've been posted all throughout downtown Toronto. I've seen people sharing images of it. And it's a poop emoji with a captain's hat on it it's just the giant

image that says visit battleshits.ca to send poo to your friends and family anyone really only 420 plus hst ps totally anonymous unless you say otherwise 4 420 as in like $4.20? Mm-hmm. For a little Trump nugget. That seems like a very confusing business model. Also, is this just some guy who's like, I need to get my shit everywhere. It's Poo Poo Pee Poo Man. Was he ever arrested or is he now just like, you know, he's learned that it's really easy to set up mobile, like, work from home. He's working from home for the pandemic,

which is weirdly considerate given his previous biological terrorism. This is a strong move. Again, I haven't checked out the website because I'm not sure I want to. I guess we'll leave that up to our brave listeners to hear. If someone wants to explain to me what Battleshits.ca is, go for it.

Are you ready for yet another piece of sex news dame good lord yeah did you hear about the bumble vigilantes no this sounds interesting yeah so right after the capital riot a bunch of bumble users um in dc changed their uh changed all their information to like you know hardcore conservative looking for blah blah blah and mentioned that people who were involved in the Capitol riot were like heroes and were flooded with information from people who had flown in for the weekend who were like oh I'm a hero and then they reported them all to the FBI

and got like 17 people arrested. Nice. But now Bumble has removed its political filter the actual Business Insider article is Bumble removed political filter the actual business insider article is bumble removed political filter after people used it to lure conservatives who are at the capital right into sending incriminating evidence i'd say like if there's nothing that bumble should be used for is that fuck dating yeah it is now a vigilante app i know this is like i love this i think it's a pretty badass thing to do Bumble has like at least it used to way back when was like you could switch it from like dating to professional

to like friendship so you could like set which sort of you know world you were swiping in I would love if they added another one of like crime fighting vigilante bumble yeah i know you're ready for the last piece of news i mean i'm a little overloaded but yeah let's go for it well this is uh you might want to check the image as you send you um and this is the cutting edge of sex technology okay what do you think that is uh i mean it kind of looks like a bullet in which you'd put like a special cartridge to fight maybe werewolves off yeah uh but the cartridge is your testicles and the werewolves you're fighting are the lack of orgasm in a woman's life or a man's life because this is a special item i'll just read out the uh i'll just read out the copy because you know they worked hard on this meet baldo the

device that turns your testicles into a second penis ever wish you could penetrate a partner with your balls it's called ball sex and the baldo has you covered you just tuck them in there and and and the rigid cone i guess makes it into a more phallic shape and then you fuck them with your balls i mean i'm sure someone's thought of it but when i think of my balls the last thing i think is man i really wish i could cram this into something and then use it as a blunt object yeah i'm not gonna lie it looks very painful the thing is is like just in the structure of balls there's like the dick is meant for like up and down movement balls are specifically meant to like be able to move around as to not hurt them yeah or so to

restrain them and then like like trying to penetrate someone with you know just the skin in which the scrotum connects to my body as its tether seems like a wildly unpleasant experience. And I'm sure you could extrapolate how unpleasant that was by re-listening to the sentence that I just said. Yeah. Apparently they insist Baldo resolves the sensitivity issue by holding and cupping the testes in such a way that they feel protected, not ticklish. I will say, ticklish was not my worry, but my deep, throbbing pain or decapitation was. Hey, Baldo, the one thing I was not worried about was, oh boy, that looks like it'll tickle. Don't want to get giggly. I don't want to be permanently harmed. And my balls are the freshest they've ever been,

which you'll find out why later on, but you can probably guess if you listened last week. I don't want to lose them now. All right, that's it. Hit me with a question. Okay, this comes from Reddit user LoftFairy. Friendly guy to everyone, but not so much me. Just seeking a general opinion here.

There's this guy at work from another office somewhere far, but drops by one to two times a week, who's quite friendly to everyone, including me. But when I text to him on WhatsApp without revealing my identity, but dropping enough details to tell it's me, he's not so friendly. Like his replies sound quite forced. And the most recent time I talked to him face to face, telling him I'm leaving the country soon, he was polite and friendly at first. That looked like he was rushing to get away. I swear I did not do anything to annoy him before. so I don't have any idea what could be the reason. then immediately he's nice to me then immediately when he doesn't know it's me when i'm secret texting him on like why i wouldn't be particularly polite to someone who was messaging me who i

didn't know who they were like they they seem forced you should be happy they're replying to you at all if you're this mystery figure that's the thing it's like imagine you got a text completely mysterious and unknown you're not going to be like hey pal what's up how's it going how was your weekend hey it's like it's me you just automatically like for me i automatically assume it's either a wrong number or spam and like my first thing is just like who this yeah who this or i feel awkward because like if it's not any of those things like i don't want the person on the other end to think i deleted their number or something if i wanted you to have my number

you'd have my number yeah you know what i mean to like like how did you get this dude's whatsapp number also like so the funny thing like you you can click onto someone's whatsapp profile and it gives you like a picture of them usually and often like more detail it's one of our it was one of our tips for figuring out someone's name if you forgot to get on a night out after you met them so maybe they do know it's you and they're like why is this person texting me all weird because you seem like you're actively trying to avoid identifying yourself which seems strange it's all very like through the the lens of this person where she's like oh this person's friendly to everyone but not me but then it's like this person's friendly

including me so okay like right there i've seen a drastic change in tone so maybe that like maybe he didn't actually rush to get away maybe you know he has things to do and you're like hi i'm leaving the good business and the guy's like oh shit sorry that's too bad anyway i gotta go okay bye even in that instance she says he was nice and then was hurrying away so it's like how how nice does he have to be for the conversation you know what i mean because clearly she is barking into this relationship whatever it is yeah it's also like she makes no reference as well as to like what her intentions are like are you attracted to this dude or are you just kind of like upset that this guy isn't like your best friend immediately i don't know like why are

you being secretive on whatsapp and then like what did you expect him to do when he you were like oh hey i'm quitting soon were you expecting to profess his love or ask you out? And like, this isn't even a coworker, right? It's a guy who visits the office occasionally. Yes. So like, that's a very, like, that's a very removed position for this person to be in. Like, even if it was a coworker who was like, oh, that's, you know, nice, but like, I got to go do a thing. I wouldn't exactly be too worried about this response.

But, like, this guy barely knows you. And also might be aware that you're the mystery creeper on fucking WhatsApp. Also, like, as for the WhatsApp coldness, one, if he doesn't know who you are, why the fuck would he be nice to you? And two, it's like, maybe, like, some people just have, they just, like, text kind of absentmindedly or aren't very much into texting. Or they could be busy. Or they might not think it's important. Because again, who the fuck are you? Stop messaging me.

Yeah. Like none of this. Okay, you need to get over your issue here. One, figure out what it is. Why are you craving attention from this guy? Then just like analyze the situation, which it sounds like you've done, but way too much. And just think of what we just said. Like, why care they don't know who you are why are you doing this weird gambit what are you hoping to get out of this because whatever it is you're doing it wrong yeah unless your aim is to be refueled by two canadian podcasters here's

like going forward don't assume someone can piece together your hints because we judging by just this thing it's like you're vague as hell so i don't know if you're the hints you're dropping while remaining anonymous is like just if you're texting someone that doesn't have your number be like hey it's you know martha from the workplace you know what i love is like at this point like she can't can't she like they've been having this mystery chat for so long it's like well if she's just like oh by the way it's martha he's like wait what why didn't i know this this whole time why didn't you tell me this so baffling i would love i would like dearly love to see this text chain can we yeah me too

ask for it can you please post a screenshot of your WhatsApp message? Yeah, please. Because I promise you the like, you know, dropped enough details without telling it to me is not enough. They definitely didn't. They were probably like, oh, just watching, you know, Parks and Rec season four because she said that once in the office. But this guy fucking visits occasionally. He didn't pay attention to that. Just tying my red shoelaces. that doesn't mean anything uh yeah you need you need to figure out what you want

from this and like be more direct i guess because mystery like mystery whatsapp is not the way forward ever i'm pretty sure no not at all. This is by Yellowcopter. Today I fucked up by complimenting my date's butt. I, 32-year-old female, went on my first date in nearly a year last night. We met on a dating app. He, 33, male, was pleasant and polite, but for me there were no romantic feelings, and while I had a nice time, I wasn't interested in seeing him again. We parted with a smile and texted each other that we got home safely. I went to bed. This morning he sent me a somewhat lengthy text about how he had a nice time, I wasn't interested in seeing him again. We parted with a smile and texted each other that we got home safely.

I went to bed. This morning, he sent me a somewhat lengthy text about how he had a wonderful time, felt a lot of chemistry, and couldn't wait to hang out again. I was hesitant on the best way to respond, so I sat in it for a while. Eventually, in the middle of unloading groceries and wrangling my toddler, I decided I was being a jerk by not replying, grabbed my phone to bite the bullet, and sent a thanks-you're-great-but-not-the-one-for-me-esque message. Except instead, I typed what I thought was thanks and hit send accidentally.

That would have been fixable, but it didn't say thanks as it turned out. My phone autocorrected it to that ass. That ass. So now I've sent this dude I meant to let down gently a text message, just complimenting his butt. It's been 15 minutes, he has not yet responded, and it's been too long for me to quickly own the screw up, so here sit i mean like i assume she sent more than just that ass that's all she said that ass oh it was like at the start of the message yeah she was starting the message accidentally

sent it and like said thanks and then hit sand accidentally was like oh oops and then when she looked to like rectify it it just said that that ass. This is such a weird, like, why would you stop there? Well, okay. Hit us with what you would have done then. Sorry. I meant I'm dumping you.

Yeah. Like what the fuck is like, what's the downside? You're not seeing this guy again. That's whoops. You, you fucked up a text message with autocorrect which is a universally you know common thing that everyone knows happens you could just be like oh fuck sorry autocorrect you know

thanks and if anything it gives a little bit of you know levity to the situation of being like and like maybe throw him a compliment being like but you know your ass is great you know give him that compliment sandwich you said that that ass, which is usually positive, right? So he's probably thinking that you guys are going to go out again. How about you hit him with a thumbs down on the next message? Just that ass, thumbs down. You'll get the message pretty quickly. The barfy face?

Oh, yeah. There you go. One emoji later, you've changed the whole tone, and you probably don't even need to send the rest of it, really. It's very strange to me that people get mortified by this shit. Fuck it. You made a mistake.

Just keep texting it. Don't run away because you said something incorrect. You sent a missed text to someone. It'd be one thing if you really like this guy and you sent a message that was meant for your friend that was really gross like if you were like oh hey like you know if i was if i was dating someone and i sent you a message being like dude i just

had the worst diarrhea i'm pretty sure i shat all over the walls and i sent that to a girl i was interested cool great being mortified that's a terrible situation but in this situation it's so it's nothing it doesn't mean anything like i think sending a nice thing to a person you don't want to see is so much better than sending a bad thing to someone you do want to see yeah like um we need to get over this idea of like oh no something went like you know it's marginally wrong. The world is over. I fucked it up. It's like you didn't fuck up at all. In the grand scheme of even

just the last 12 months, if this is the biggest thing you fucked up, you're okay. Yeah, I feel like it's so easy to just be like, oops, that was meant to say thanks. But you do have a nice bum. Great. And then be like, look, that was meant to say thanks. Ha ha ha. But you do have a nice bum. Great.

And then be like, look, however, I don't really think I'm feeling it. Boom. Easy. And you've slid in a compliment, and as you said, a little bit of levity, right? So it could be an even better position than before. Now, there is an update. Do you want me to hit you with the update? Sure.

They say, haven't dated since before. Apps are a thing. And I was married for seven years, so please give me some grace for being very bad at this. We were on an outdoor walk, blah blah blah, some shit that doesn't really matter. Then, finally, the update. He replied, sending me the link to the music video for Mr. Jones.

I do not know if this was an accidental text or if I'm missing symbolism here. Counting Crow's plans, please advise. Then we chatted as if nothing weird had happened. In any case, I decided the universe was facilitating enough rom-com vibes, I might as well go on one more date with a nice, friendly dude and for what it's worth, a pretty decent butt.

Too long didn't read, I am seeing that ass again. Hey, you know what? This is a fucking great story. Yes. If it pans out, like if you guys actually, like a little bit of serendipity, why not? I would actually fall for this as well. You know what I mean?

If I panic that much and then you start chatting with someone, the guy didn't do anything wrong. If you just weren't feeling the first date, that's cool. He did just send her the link to Mr. Jones by counting crows. Are we going to skip over that? Because that's a little weird. I don't... I'm not, like, I know the song, but let me...

What does that mean? Apparently it's about not being able to talk to girls and thinking that if you were rock stars, it would be easier. So maybe he's all shy, because she said something nice about his butt. Yeah. But you know what? Yeah, I feel like...

Also, to be fair, if you said something like that ass, and then someone sends you back something just as fucking random. Yeah. I think it's a good sign that like, he's clearly so awkward. Cause I don't think sending Mr.

Jones is, is a particularly smooth move back. Maybe I'm wrong, but you guys are both terrible. So this is great. Yeah. I think go into it with less expectations and just have a good time you know what i mean like you you've had your first date you've gotten the weird first date

fucking awkward jitters out now just go have a lovely time with this dude and see where it goes and if you're still not feeling it you gave it your best shot and that's all you can really say when you're dating new people now hit me with another one um this is another workplace romance sort of situation. This comes from a Reddit user. There's just a bunch of numbers and letters. What would you do here? You sleep with a guy at work and he goes around telling

everyone in the office how bad you smell. Now you have the reputation as the stinky girl. How do you deal with this reputation? What do you do besides quit your job? What a dick. Right? That's not cool at all. And she's in a position of power.

So I read through some of the comments and she doesn't want to retaliate because apparently he does have a very small penis and was not good in bed. And that was why she didn't want to keep seeing him uh because she's like just the sexual experience was a terrible yeah i'm assuming he has probably inferred as much and is like probably preemptively salting the earth so that he seems better i don't know it's a fucking dick move don't do that ever let alone with someone you work with yeah i remember there was a time i think it was like junior high or high school or something and i was dating this girl think it was like junior high or high school or something and i was dating this girl for it was like the double shit literally one of her friends came up was like do you want to date her and i was like oh okay and we made out like four times and like that was the

extent of our relationship and then we broke up and she ended up being so fucking mean to me like every chance she got and And she was like, I can't remember like what she would do. She'd be like, Oh, you're, you're ugly or whatever. I'm like,

you asked me out. So what does that say about you? Um, I never understood the, like I've slept with someone or like you've done something or you dated someone and then like hit them with like all the like really mean stuff. Cause it's like, yeah, but you went after them like you

approached them you pursued them so what is it like what does that say about you yeah and also just it's it's shitty you know what i mean like if something happened like let's say they were you know abusive or something and you know you told your friends that's one thing but like to just go and like trash someone for no reason especially at work and like i actually think it's worse that she's in the position of power because it's like one he's kind of undermining that position of power at all sorry when i when i said position of power i meant that like she has ammunition not that she is a like boss or manager or something well the thing is in in this situation if retaliation was

the way forward which like i don't think it is you kind of always have a position of power because you can say whatever the fuck you want right like what are they gonna say like no pull out their dick and like a ruler and be like look or like take a whiff sniff my taint it's not really bad you know like no one's actually gonna really be able to do that which is again also really shitty because it's like you've no way of proving that you don't smell unless there's a hotter guy at the office and you have to leverage this situation in your favor so you wait till someone says that and then you walk right up and you're like oh let me guess you're that that's that smelly rumor huh and he's like oh i'm like you want to see if it's true wink because like no no one who's smelly is going to be that

confident well i don't know if him and then it's wins all around then he goes around he's like damn she's not smelly at all i mean like also the thing about smell is that it's not discreet. If you're a smelly person. Yeah. It's, it's obvious. Like it's not something that like you only discover if you're having sex. Also, if you,

if the only time you smell is during sex, that's fine. If you're not getting sweaty and stinky during sex, you're probably doing it wrong. I assume he probably meant her vagina, right? If, if it's like a sex, you you know and that just kind of makes

a little bit more embarrassing as well because like if it was just that she stunk like the office would probably already know if it was a thing and if it wasn't it's not so whatever so i'm assuming he's either saying like her house or her sheets smell or like her vagina smells or like her feet i don't know something a little bit more intimate which you can't necessarily disprove i'm saying you know wait till someone says it be like wink let's see if we can you know you want to see the proof like fucking call their bluff to a hotter guy you go home you fuck him he realized you smell great you go back into the office you slept with a hotter guy everything's a win you never had to drag him down but he's still gonna feel it now are you really want the reputation of being the girl.

It's like, oh, just call her stinky and she'll fuck you. Well, that's not what happened. You twisted the situation around on one specific person who you find attractive. I'm just saying this office sounds like fucking high school. So if the stinky rumor catches on. Yeah, but if someone mocked you in high school and you turned around into a way to have sex with the hottest girl who then came back and was like, yeah, he doesn't stink at all,

you'd be fucking golden. It's a different... We both know it's a different story for men and women. Then you fucking hit me right now. Hit me with something, Dane. First of all, I will say, addendum. You gotta make sure you don't smell first. Yeah, I mean, maybe, yeah,

maybe make sure you don't have stinky parts like just just take take a you know make sure your home is is hygienic and your sheet and your your parts because you know what maybe maybe something happened maybe you're just not aware and maybe as shitty as this situation is maybe it could be helpful but if that's not the case just throw that away we never talked about it doesn't matter my like i think in reality whoa i think you just like depending on what you do for work and depending on like if you've lost friends over this like if it's just you know steve from accounting and his buddies all being like like fuck it um but i do know that there is like a real danger of like work already sucks and then having to go in with like that being like oh no people laughing about me behind

like that has a severe mental toll so maybe talk to hr about it because someone who you've had like an intimate relationship with and then is now spreading rumors about like your genitals or talking about your genitals like i would say that probably classifies as sexual harassment now the only issue there is like how do you prove that he's doing whatever and also if that gets out you might be you know now you're not just the smelly girl you're the smelly girl who's a narc and like you know if it doesn't work out in your favor pretty much immediately you could definitely cut all ties whereas like hopefully this office is like mature enough that like yeah if you've heard it and people are talking about that sucks i'm gonna hope it's just steve and his douchebag friends

from accounting and like no one else really cares because like you know i i'd like to think people are better than that they probably aren't but you know these things blow over especially if you don't make a big deal out of it sometimes again if you have a way like if there's a text or an email or like some concrete way that you can go to hr by all means fuck that dude he's made his own bed um but there is a risk unfortunately in coming forward if you don't kind of have something like that yeah that's true you know and i just wouldn't want it to get worse um this is a tough one because every workplace is different you know what i mean like it could be that she works with

10 other people who all suck you know and that's a different situation if like everyone's actively and gleefully spreading this rumor than if you know it is steven is douchebag france yeah i don't really think there's a good answer to this i don't think there's like oh yep there it is that's the solution because there's always going to be the risk of like i it's just a justifiable thing if like you know three people corner you and are making fun of you you could easily just be like yeah but he fucking sucked in bed like this is just a you know dude who's insecure who can't please a woman to save his life trying to get out before i say anything about it which in reality is probably what happened like you said he was probably like oh shit she's might start talking about me i need

to fucking you know put her in the ground because then you can just be like oh you're just you're just trying to cover your ass oh you're just making shit up yeah he gets to one humble brag like oh i had sex which clearly is a big deal to to him um and to kind of like put you down at the same time so that it's like preemptive which sucks and honestly i don't know why i'm shying away from the retaliatory thing i don't think it'll make anything better but at the same time maybe it'll just make him shut the fuck up i don't think he really deserves any fucking consideration really no i and like the thing is like there's there's also like your pride right and like your integrity to like stoop and like you know jump down into the mud and start slinging it back is i would be hesitant to do it as well

like i wouldn't want to be in that position of being like this high school version of name calling yeah i would i don't know like hopefully you have a close like set of friends and work and i would like you know talk to them and And I would like, you know, talk to them and just be like, Hey, have you heard what this guy's been saying? Like what the fucking asshole. And like,

presumably they will be on your side. And like, at the very least, you know, you can talk it out with them and know that they're on your side and that they, you know, that you maybe even let them know it wasn't great.

I don't know. You don't have, you know, cause there's a difference between talking to people and like attacking.'ve got it i've solved it go for it you call up your friend gwyneth paltrow you get her to make a candle of your vagina and then you know everyone now everyone knows what you smell like and you have a weapon to blow this man's house up what you do is you get in a WhatsApp chat with him and you give him just

enough hints that he thinks it's you and you get him to admit, I don't know, actually maybe just fucking message him and be like, hey I hear you've been spreading weird fucking nonsensical rumors, like what's up with that? Because what's he going to do?

Yeah, I mean this is like maybe this is a lunchroom sort of like you know if we're gonna play the high school game play the high school game walk right up to his bill hey i heard you say my pussy smells yeah and just like what's he gonna do be like oh no no that's not me it's like really you're gonna you're gonna like act like you didn't do it you know what i mean know what I mean? Because like and then he's just going to look like a coward. Either he's like, yeah, it does be like, cool. You got a small dick. You know what I mean?

Oh, wow. It's funny because you're the one who kept texting me afterwards saying how good it was and how you want to do it again. So which one is it? I feel like, yeah, sometimes you just got to call someone on their fucking bullshit. You know, it's not necessarily that you're personally attacking them, but are challenging them and this guy's clearly a coward yeah 100 if you do text him and he's like well your fucking pussy does smell or something then you've got something you can bring to hr so i don't know it's it's not ideal unfortunately but know that we have your back and this guy is a fucking douche now speaking of the scent of your genitals, do we want to take a quick break?

I think we do. Support this week for Fuck Buddies is brought to you by Manscaped, who's the best in men's below the waist grooming. Manscaped offers precision engineered tools for your family jewels they obsess over their technology developments to provide you the best tools for your grooming experience manscape is trusted by over two million men worldwide join the movement for all your below the waist grooming

needs now i will say my balls have never smelled better it's. It's something you don't really think about until you start doing it. And it is, it's fresh. It's tasty. Well, I'm not going to say tasty. I'm going to walk back on the tasty. Is that an official report you've gotten back? I'm going to, I'm going to walk back on that remark. I will say I could now go to any office. And if a rumor about my smelly balls went round, I would be like, no, look what I put on them. And they'd be like, damn it. I knew it was a lie. So what we're talking about right now is Manscaped's line of sweet, sweet smelling and perfectly balanced creams, lotions and sprays. Things like the crop preserver, the crop reviver.

These are all sort of deodorants and sprays in order to keep your balls smelling fresh. They also create an anti-chafing barrier alongside the freshness because let's be fair, bad smells and chafed balls are pretty terrible, both for you and for your partner. It's very frustrating because I've never been more excited to go back to work so I could put these boys to use you know what i mean it's funny because the anti-chain thing and the freshness like that's what i need on a long like summer shift which like both work and summer are quite far away right now so i'm like looking at it i'm weirdly imagining not only going back to work but also how my balls are gonna feel which i didn't think i would be doing no no the manscape offers a wide variety of things to protect your balls and things to coddle them and pamper them,

which is something that I don't think a lot of guys really understand how important it is for not only like, you know, your physical health and your confidence, but like for your mental health as well to know, like to feel fresh, especially in a time where we don't really get to do a whole lot of like, we can't get haircuts, can't do any of this bullshit. But like at home, we can sort of like buckle down and just really take care of the things that we can take care of. Yeah. And like when we are unleashed on the world, you're going to be looking good. You're going to be smelling good.

You're going to be feeling good down there. Talk a little bit more about the lotions. The Crop Preserver is, like you said it has a an anti-chafing ball it's an anti-chafing ball deodorant um it features soothing aloe vera so you're gonna get like a real nice skincare because aloe vera is great for your skin um and it also has like a quick absorbing gel that kind of acts as a barrier to make sure that one you're not like getting the swamp crotch and two you're not gonna chafe of it. And that to me is that's music to my ears because like you said, nothing is worse in summer than having to run around in 40 degree heat with,

you know, the heat of a thousand suns between your legs. That's too many suns between your legs, quite frankly. Yeah. We mentioned last week that they have the, the lawnmower 3.0 just to like to deal with all your like your hair issues down there then you can deal with any scent issues you deal with any

discomfort they've got the crop reviver they've got the crop preserver pretty much the whole package to make your whole package seem good so we are happy to be able to help you guys in your quest for ball perfection we have a code so it's going to be buddies20, B-U-D-D-I-E-S, two zero. And this will work globally and it'll give you 20% off and free shipping. Yeah, we had a few people overseas let us know that the code didn't work last week, but we reached out to Manscaped and the awesome people over there set us up with a code that should work worldwide everywhere that they do ship and provide products to. You should now be able to go on the website,

which is manscaped.com. And while you're checking out, type in buddies, B-U-D-D-I-E-S, two, zero, and you'll get 20% off and free shipping. Not only will we thank you, your balls will thank you as well. uh okay this is by gamer eli okay how early in the relationship can i bust out the lord of the rings extended edition because i need to establish that real early what do you need to establish that that he needs to watch lord of the rings standard edition

obviously i mean like whenever i guess dang come on think about it for a second like i don't think it's a first date movie at all imagine we're getting some progress here it's definitely movie or do you think you're not going to get a second date in which case you can prolong the first date oh shit okay forever yeah that's like 14 hours worth of date right there yeah if you if you realize she ain't getting to be like okay do you want to maybe watch a movie and then you throw on your like edited copy of all the extended cuts not just like the first movie you've stitched together all three of the movies to create the longest movie ever ever yeah if you're going for the endless first date gambit you don't want to give them a chance of you changing dvds because

there's gonna be a decent hour or two where they're waiting to leave. But then they're like, wait, is this movie this long? And then like by the time they realize you've stitched them together somehow, they're going to be too invested in the beautiful story because come on to leave. So that is yeah, that is the only caveat. I will say you can definitely do it on the first date if you're doing the old never-ending date gambit which is a classic move we established deep in our backstory yeah episode 17 I think yeah I believe so if we're not doing that that it is too long or too much for commitment because I'm also assuming it's like all three at once right even if it's not like one this guy's

probably so into it that he doesn't want to distract himself in the middle of it by having something as petty as sex or like, I don't know, food or, you know, all those things you don't need. So I would say. Like seventh time you've gone out now when he says introduce, is he just going to like say it or watch it? I believe you said bust out. Oh. And busting out, I assume, means just shoving it in that disk drive and ramping it up. Yeah, I mean, like,

I'll be honest, if anyone expected me, like, great. So, you know, I watched all the Harry Potter movies start to finish. I watched the most recent fucking Crimes of Grindelwald which was in fact a crime. It literally is a crime.

They're all arrested. Fucking Eddie Redman I don't know any other names. Is it Redman? Redman, right? I don't fucking know. Isn't it Reddy Edman?

Old Ed Red.ane? Red Mane, right? I don't fucking know. Isn't it Reddy Edman? Old Ed Red. Old Ed Red. Either way. I don't really care about Harry Potter. I said it. Come at me. But Amanda does. So I watched all the movies.

And that's fine. But if she expected me to sit down and watch all of them? No. I'm not going to do that. I love that you love it and it would be the same thing if someone wanted me to watch 14 hours of lord of the rings i'm cool with the lord of rings great but if someone wanted me to do it i'd be like baby i will i'll order a pizza and i'll bring it down you do your thing i am gonna not do it

so i think it could be a really nice day i'm fucking love the lord of the rings extended edition now i also think you have to be in a certain kind of like zone with each other because it's like we don't recommend going out for movies on like a first date because it's kind of distancing right you're not really getting to know each other when you're just sitting there in the in silence watching something uh i feel like it's kind of distancing right. You're not really getting to know each other. When you're just sitting there in silence watching something. I feel like it's really good. When you're in that like comfortable. Kind of like spend a whole day together.

But not do something special. Like get some take out. And just fucking like spend some good. Like caring comfort time. And I'm sure it takes some breaks to fuck. And I think that happens after you've seen each other. You know a few times. It's not the first three dates by any means. I think it's like seven to ten.

You know, because, yeah, I mean, like low stakes way to spend the whole day together. I think it's yeah. When you guys get into the rhythm of like no longer having to go on these impressive dates and it's just sort of like, hey, do you want to come over, watch a movie? And it's like, yeah, sure. And do you want to come over and watch a movie? And it's like, yeah, sure. And then you guys actually like, just go and watch a movie.

Like if that's, if that's where your relationship is. Yeah, sure. At this point, especially if it's like one of those days where they've stayed over and you wake up and it's like gloomy and rainy and you know, she's like,

I don't want to go out. Like, you know, I gotta go home, but like, it sucks outside. You'd be like, you know what fuck it let's

I'm gonna make breakfast we're gonna put on Lord of the Rings and that's what we're doing today yeah that's a great that's a great day yeah or right after you guys go out and get like a little drunk and you're a little hungover and groggy the next day and then it's like just cuddle up on the fucking couch

watch Lord of the Rings extended edition I do think if this is something especially if the fucking couch watch lord of the rings extended edition i do think if this is something especially if she's not into lord of the rings i think you need to do need to pepper in like either you take a break and make a really nice meal or you're you know ordering the food like there needs to be a concession as well um of being like hey you're doing something for me so i'm gonna treat you to you know dinner or lunch or whatever i think that is a really nice thing like if if someone did that for me if i was kind of like i don't really know if i'm into 14 hours of movie but if that's 14 hours i get to spend with you and you're you

know kind of pampering me a little fuck yeah i think i think that's actually really nice like if you because like as a good partner you're always gonna do or not always but you know what i mean you're gonna want to do the things that your partner loves right so if you as the partner you know enforcing like putting the thing you love on somebody realize maybe they're not as into it as you are and like sweeten the pot a little bit just to you know make it a little better for them i think that's really nice there you go i also think if you if you really nail the first viewing this become like she could have fond memories of it later on and be willing to do it again you know what i mean like if it becomes you're sort of like oh we're snowed in and we have plans but you know we can't do anything because there's you know 40

feet of snow outside then you'd be like hey maybe we do another lord of the Rings day. Yeah, I love it. I wouldn't expect them to fucking do it every time you wanted to watch it. I think that's unrealistic, but if you can kind of make it your, you know, this is the day we don't want to do anything day, I think that's a really cool way to do it. At the end of the episode, we like to peruse

Tinder and various other online dating platforms and we look at profiles for red flags and we we comb them and see how we can either make them better or help you avoid the more disastrous ones in the effort of hopefully making your online dating experience a little more successful i love how i thought you were going to say or make them worse which we haven't but hey some of them i don't think we could uh so first one is going to be rat who's a 35 year old male rat r-a-t cool uh and his bio is quite it oh i love it 10 out of 10 date that man yeah that's great date that rat uh we got another another man here uh which is funny because it's usually women's ones we get but we got jeff 26

uh i'm gonna be straight up most of you females on here are a joke you have your standards way too high he used the wrong two I'm way more on looks than on personalities and how someone will treat you for all that match with me and continue to ghost that's your fuck up if you can't see I got a job

bust my ass every day and got a nice truck that I worked hard to then that's your loss keep messing with losers and getting hurt or pregnant and single that almost started to sound like an Eminem song. We can probably make one. Like the second anyone refers to women as females,

I stopped. Like there's a time and a place to use male and female. Generically describing an entire group of people in the way that you just did not the time to do it yeah also like maybe maybe it's just me but like anyone who's that into their truck that's got to be a red flag right everything here is a red flag like the bitterness the like anger towards women the like need to call them females yeah like it all just exudes like in cell to me you know i mean like there's so much keep getting hurt or pregnant and single what yeah it's like cool dude you've really made women want to date you

with that kind of energy nice yeah that's gonna be a strong zero yeah and now this one this one is weird i know that's saying something i guess it's a what's the word i guess okay so on so they say gnome owner and then there's a bunch of questions and like little like boxes for you to tick even though you can't tick them would i date you yes all capitals maybe not saying or probably pick one i don't know no okay i don't know why i'm making you pick i'm just gonna give you the options if you stay the night i would give you half my bed make you sleep on the floor i wouldn't ask you to, again using the wrong to, make you sleep in another room or give you my bed. If you kissed me, I'd aux. You wouldn't.

Smile. Kiss you back. I don't know. Stare at you like WTF. You should. Inbox me. Text me. Talk to me more.

Hug me more. Keep away from me. Put this as your status. That's it. Oh, so cool. It's a chain letter that they've included on their online dating profile it's kind of the worst also like what age i know they're not below 20 but they seem like they're 13 or something like if you stayed the night i'd make you sleep on the floor like if you kissed me ox what yeah i mean, this sounds like something that you used to put in your, like, fucking MySpace page.

Or, like, in your MSN fucking handle. Like, yeah, nothing about this screams that they are ready for a mature relationship. Yeah, that's gonna be just a straight up zero. Yeah, that's another zero for me. Now, I did mean to talk about john dillamond earlier in our sex news okay you're not john dillamond no so it is a brand new tv show about a man with a very large penis oh yes yes i know um have you watched the trailer no i haven't it's fucking great looks like a very good show we gotta we gotta check it out I say we should watch an episode

and come back and report on it next week sure thank you very much for listening friends that are going to do us for this week thanks for joining us yeah we love you and we love doing this and we love doing this

with you to you for you with you, to you, for you, with you, on you, under you, in you,

out you. Um, if you have a question and you would like us to answer it on the podcast, please reach out to us. You can reach us on Facebook at FCK buddies podcast. You can find us on Twitter, fck underscore buddies. You can hit us up on Instagram, fckbuddiespodcast, or you can find us online at fbuddiespodcast.com

or plentyofbeef.ca. Yeah, thank you to Josh Eagle and our Harvard Cities for the song, Paper Stars. At the end of the episode, we like to be treated by Niall as he finds the worst of sex writing from literature and modern arts i suppose sometimes it's not books um and we try to survive it are you ready yes are you comfortable i don't want to be. All right. So this is How a Dad Sees His 15-Year-Old Daughter.

And this is Dragonheart by Carol Klovansky. Dad, someone shouted from behind him. Prinas turned around. An incredibly beautiful girl was running across the meadow toward him. Her skin was whiter than snow, and her golden hair was so long it almost brushed against the ground. She was as tall as any man could ask for. Her breasts, hidden by her chased dress, were perky, tantalizing people wherever she went. Her long legs were admired by just as many men, even called art by some.

Her waist was so thin, one could wrap their hands around it and almost touch their fingers together. Elaine, Primusus smiled and suddenly looked reinvigorated he hugged the girl that had become his light in the endless darkness never understood the need to describe women as like their skin was white as snow that's not good no it's not a good thing to be also like, like, there's not there's not that many shades of white, really. It's just it's just white. It's like, what other thing are you white like? And like the idea that you wrap your hands around her waist.

That's great. I don't have the biggest hands, but like. No, that's that's unhealthy. Or just someone who does not know that, you how people especially women are formed in reality yeah yeah also like just talking about someone so sexual that like so sexually when they're your daughter that's gross also a 15 year old daughter yeah i i was actually gonna say that but i deleted the tab and i couldn't remember if she was that young. That's real gross. Real gross.

And this is something that someone jerked off to. Probably. My name is Dave Miller. And my name is Naspe. We've been your fuck buddies. you