F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 123 - Self-Defense Penis Popping

Episode Date: February 8, 2021

We do our best not provide you with solid advice, but we really want to stress that we don't think it's a good idea to do anything to your penis that would cause it to make any sort of audible noise.�� Topics include the rarest man, feeling like your vagina isn't good enough, walking date fury, penis popping and a terrible poop secret. This week we are proud to be sponsored by MANSCAPED.  Go to http://manscaped.com/ and get 20% off + free shipping with the code: BUDDIES20.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. And we are your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky sexy situations and we turn them into sexy sticky situations.

Simply put, we either answer questions from our dear listeners, or that we find wild roaming the internet just in search of some advice and we deliver that advice. Just some way weird questions, just crazing gently in the fields of uncertainty what we do is we walk through the long grass and questions jump out and attack us and we throw our balls at them we use our other questions to battle them now dang yes speaking of throwing balls to capture rare creatures in long grass have you collected uh one of the rarest men yet uh probably not you haven't laid eyes on the so-called rarest man the sigma male oh sigma male have you have you heard of this lately no absolutely not so i what i can only imagine is in a response to the rise of,

I hear there's this great podcast that's kind of like anti-pickup artist. I forget what it's called, Sex Friends or something. But they've gone one step further. No longer is the alpha male the top. Now the sigma male is the rarest man. Well, okay, there's a difference between being the apex and the rarest man. Well, okay, there's a difference between being the, like, the apex and the rarest. Because, like, I would say that

having a terrible disease would make you a rare person. It wouldn't make you anything to, like, I'm not looking at people who have, you know, horribly rare genetic disease and being like, damn, wish it was him. A Sigma is an alpha, but he's got more of an edge

think a lone wolf he also commands a room with quiet mystery and intrigue because of that women gravitate to him he also finds success in his career but isn't afraid to push the envelope and take risky moves men in the manosphere regard the sigma as the rarest archetype and pine for those qualities think john wick some even regard keanu reeves himself as a sigma so okay it seems like sigma what they're now idolizing is a decent human being i think it's like it's basically just alpha but they're i think they're trying not to say it so they're're like, or like what they would previously claim Alpha, because it's basically all the things that an Alpha does. But like, quieter. What they're just like, if you're saying, hey, Keanu Reeves, who is kind of regarded as, you know, one of the nicest people in sort of, you know, the social consciousness to be like, yeah, man, he's a Sigma. It's like, okay,

you're now just worshiping or at least recognizing that like not being an absolute asshole is what women want. It seems like these guys have discovered decency and are like, holy shit. Whoa. What the fuck is this? Hold on a second. You say that if I don't grab women by the lower back and pull them away from their friends while sweating all over them, they're going to like me more? If I don't capture them with my blazer and put them in my sweat cave?

If I don't desperately try to shoehorn how much money I make into a conversation in an effort to attempt to impress these women, they might respect me more. Now, you would hope that that's the way they went, right? Like you, you look at Keanu Reeves, you're like, damn, he's a really nice guy. Seems very down to earth. It would be great if that's who they're celebrating. However, I see no proof that that's the thing, but we do have three quotes from a two hour long Sigma male affirmation video just to get us more to level us up, I think. Okay. Right. So this is a two hour long video and it echoes phrases like this. I have a steely gaze and a strong presence.

I am hard to understand from a place of powerful intuition confidence and perception I could easily pierce through lies and manipulation that sounds like a feat in Pathfinder that's literally a like a class description for a fantasy character 100%

and finally I am comfortable being the brooding figure. Okay, I've switched my thing for them deciding what decency is. No, they've discovered teenage emo. You found teenage angst. I am hard to understand. I can see through manipulation while I brood. Wait, oh, there's a fourth point about putting on eyeliner and my chemical oh fuck it's emo

it's just god damn it you must wear checkered converse man i fucking wanna die what what's happening here uh yeah so that's a new thing we have to deal with it's really funny because they make like a throwaway line in this article and it's like it recently uh became viral on uh twitter when someone reposted screenshots of sigma related content with the caption what the fuck is going on with man just like hey steven i really appreciate you coming into work and trying something new, but I don't think it's appropriate for your suit jacket to be covered in band patches. I'm not okay. I'm a Sigma male. I'm just a Sig and my life is a nightmare. So yeah, that's a thing.

So we can all strive to one day be that sigma male now i'm gonna brood in the shadows while all the rest of the conversation goes on i hope you can hear that i've turned off my lights and i look very sad you know what here's the thing if this is the new tactic if they if they're gonna sort of step back from like the aggressive peacocking like in your face like i'm the i'm the cock of the walk to just kind of like lurking in the shadows i think this is a win hey remember that dude that like literally stopped going to the underground because we would stop him like like basically assaulting people he did like lurk in the shadows near the bathroom yeah he could like corner women that were by

themselves so it's not much of a step away yeah i guess all right you ready for a question yeah i hate you yeah i'm gonna start off because i want to get to a uh user submit question before we run out of time hell yeah this comes from oh no just, I didn't really look at the agent name submitted, but now I've, I've parsed it. This comes from Agent Broken Vag. Okay. I have never made my boyfriend of two years come with just penetration and it is destroying me.

When he's close, he'll pull out, rip off his condom and start tricking himself off until completion, followed by the same old phrase. Will you take this? In brackets, in my mouth. I do. Feeling like we never get anywhere because he is so stuck in this play-by-play i basically feel like why am i there anyway could you please help some shed some light is this normal activity because of the porn industry any advice would be appreciated now i imagine yeah the porn industry has definitely played into that massively uh whether it's normal or not, I would say no. Yeah, I don't like I don't love the word normal because especially when it comes to sex, it's so fucking like the degrees of everything.

But it sounds like there is something at play here. And I think that is what we need to sort of discuss as opposed to you like you know trying to ph balance what's honestly there is no normal like yeah but on the other hand i also don't think this is normal like i know those are two very contradictory statements but i still think that's true i don't think it's healthy which is like the important thing to no i don't think so and especially not if you are upset which clearly it seems that way going by the name and, you know, what we just read. So many things. So firstly, like, have you, have you talked to him? Have you let him know that you do not like this? Because, you know, it might not be that your vagina isn't good enough or he doesn't

feel whatever. It might just be that he thinks you like this as much as he does. And, you know, he wants to finish with your mouth around his dick you know it could be as innocent as that like he doesn't understand that this is affecting you and like for him like blowjobs are great mouths are great um having a condom off and being able to feel like a little bit more you know it's pretty great um so like not all negatives there so like one thing i would definitely say is to to talk to him because if he doesn't realize that this is affecting you you know and if it's an issue of like him making the choice rather than not being able to i think it is definitely good to get that out of the way

and at least if he knows where you're coming from you guys can like maybe shake it up work on this my first question when i read this was i was like have you talked to him about it because if you haven't that needs to be step number one and i think we can like discuss some tactics on how to bring it up in a bit um another thing i want to put on and not like really in his defense but something that might be on his mind is he might not feel comfortable finishing inside you wearing a condom i know there are a lot of people, both men and women, who despite the means of contraception that you're wearing or using, you know, ejaculating inside someone concerns them or scares them to the point of not finishing. I was like that when I first started having sex. And even like kind of when I started when I was single and sleeping with

multiple people, I wasn't a big fan of of finishing inside someone even if I was wearing a condom even if they were like I'm on the pill it just wasn't something like it it stressed me out so much because like for you know however long after I had done it I would be like god I hope I don't get a fucking call or a text and I know that's an irrational fear uh to some degree but like it could would be like god i hope i don't get a fucking call or a text and i know that's an irrational fear uh to some degree but like it could be something like that kicking to play where he you know wants to pull out to finish and then a combination of yes the porn seems to definitely of the like you know finishing in your mouth kind of thing definitely seems to be at play here and

also kind of like what you said, where it's like he might've done it once and it went over well, or you, you know, you guys did it and you agreed to it. And now he just kind of thinks that like, this is the acceptable way to finish in this relationship with neither of you having discussed why he's doing it and that you actually don't like it.

Yeah. And if it's making you feel bad, and I'm guessing by the, the broken badge agent name that you feel that way, um, then it's definitely something you need to talk about. You need to get out of the way. Um, if it is the case that he cannot finish, you know, for whatever reason, uh, then he's probably using the wrong condom. You know what I mean? Maybe it's too big. Maybe it's too small. Maybe there's too much lube, too little lube. Maybe the position's wrong.

It could just be a mental thing. There are a lot of things to get into then, but you 100% need to talk to him first. Let him know where you're coming from and then figure out what his problem is then before shaking it up and either trying you know like there are condoms that are thinner there are condoms that you know there are a lot of different ways to do this but i do think it's pretty unfair and unrealistic for him to expect you to finish him in his mouth in your mouth every time you guys fuck unless you want to yeah even if you don't mind it like even if you don't care about finishing them off in your mouth,

like even like a little bit of variety is nice to do the same thing. Every time it really does kind of like damper the mood, or at least like, I know if I knew like what I was going to do during sex, like if every time I had sex, I knew like play by play beat by beat what was going to happen i think i'd find it a lot less enjoyable and a lot less exciting oh 100 like every time i have sex it is wildly different and that's what i want you know what i mean like i don't plan it

before i go in half the time sometimes you're like you know what i want to do and you do it and that's fine yeah and just knowing if it's always going to go down the same way, that's not very fun. What I do also want to say is don't assume that because he's doing this is you're not satisfying him sexually because chances are what's happening is he's pulling himself out because you are about to make him finish. Yeah. Right. Like, like the, the penetration and your vagina and all that,

there's nothing wrong there. It seems like it's doing its job and at the point of, you know, him finishing, he pulls out to stop himself from finishing. Yeah. And let's be fair,

like you're not just a vagina. You're an entire person and a thing. You've clearly turned him on and gotten him there but at the same time it's still your mouth it's still you that's participating and turning them on like the fact that you're saying you feel like you're not there like that that kind of breaks my heart a little because it's like you're reducing yourself to just a vagina obviously you feel bad about it or else you wouldn't be writing this question but like you're still there you're still participating you're still like part of every aspect of this.

You know what I mean? There could be a million reasons why he's doing this. Like maybe it just feels dirtier to like come in your mouth. You know what I mean? Whereas like coming in the condom is quite clean. And it's, you know, the other one has like an air of like dominance. And like maybe like a hint of like, I don't want to say degradation. Because like I don't think he means, you know what I mean?

Like in a kinky sense not in a sense um so maybe those are kinks that you might want to explore and maybe this is kind of how he gets like a little hint of that like there are so many different ways this could be done not all of them are negative unless you know you have talked about this and he doesn't care and insists on doing it. Right. Yeah. But there are a lot of ways that are not negative about him and you like, you know, by any means that this could go down and you need to talk. You just need to talk and figure it out. If,

if there's some more wild shit, you can follow up with part two of this question. But I really do think you need to talk, let them know how you're feeling and move on kind of like accordingly. Right. A hundred percent. Yeah. A hundred percent.

You need to sit down and have a conversation and be like, Hey, you know, can we talk about, and like I said, we always urge, this is not a thing to have like right after sex. No. People tend to be a little bit more defensive, a little bit more on edge when that this is you know if you find a time where you guys are sitting down and talking or you know even just choosing a moment it's hard it's tough i know but especially because you've been doing it for so long it seems kind of strange to be like hey so about this thing we've been doing for two years presumably but it's it's enough to be like hey i would like to talk to you about sort of like sex and be like, when you finish, why do we do this every time? And is there a reason you don't want to finish inside me?

Is there something else we can do? Can we maybe change it up a bit? And pursue those conversations and talk to him. I think the two things you need to talk about when you have this conversation are one, why he does this every time. Why he refuses to do anything else. Even just coming on your ass. If he doesn't want to finish inside you, there are other options. It seems like he's laser focused on this one and then also bringing up

how you feel about it because just just kind of like needling him about it i think could put him on the offensive but if you're like this is how i feel about it and i would like to not feel this way anymore i think is a good way to sort of bring the conversation where it's about both of you guys. Yeah. And I think like, it's very easy for conversation like this to go badly because everyone's insecure when they're talking about really personal things like sex and their genitals and whatnot. So try not to skew it that way.

You can always, you know, add a little bit of spicy sexiness in there and be like, hey, I want to feel your dick come when it's like inside me. Obviously, you're a condom on, but like, you know, I want to that like intimate moment. And that's a lot more fun to hear than like, why are you not doing this? Am I not good enough? You know what I mean? Like, you can you can add things in there because I'm sure you do want to feel that. Right. And it's nice to hear. And it's, it's sexy. Right. So I think try to err on the positive, but a hundred percent, you have to talk to them. And like, if there is an issue, you know, like if it's a sensation issue, maybe try more lube, less lube, different condom, you know, bigger, smaller, thinner, et cetera. If it's a mental issue, then guys gotta talk about that so hopefully you can work this out um please let us know if you guys come to a collusion or if you have any other

questions if you need to like follow us up with a little bit more uh detail we can delve in a little deeper but hopefully we are able to help you there and thank you as always for trusting us with your question are you ready for some bitterness yeah what is a walk date after six months hiatus from old online dating i recently returned to find the bar as well and truly on the floor there seems to be a lot of cost minimization strategies employed by man of online dating so good in fact i'm surprised bane and mckinsey haven't come knocking at their door i don't know what that means seven out of ten dates I'm being asked on are walking dates. Can please someone enlighten me as to what is a walking date?

I enjoy keeping fit and go to gym three times a week and walk my dog daily. But what is a walk as the main and only activity in the context of a first date? Are we walking to a bar or restaurant or just walking around aimlessly? In my city, COVID restrictions have eased and most venues have reopened and returned to pre-COVID capacity. I find these offers cheap, low value, and do not show respect for my time nor serious intention for a relationship, which is what I'm looking for. I'm not a show pony to take for a walk around the paddock for the man to decide if I'm hot enough for a real date and investment. In almost all cases, I say flat out no, with the

exception of a few instances where I've regrettably suggested a more appropriate date, only to find the man exhibit traits of stinginess on the date, such as not allowing me to order food, i.e. they already ate before date, etc. So going forward, I will just cut my losses at the first suggestion of a walk date. Would be interesting to hear if others are experiencing this strange phenomenon. One more thing. To add insult to injury, most of the time the guy expects you to go to them for the walk. I'd love to know which girls are accepting these dates as it's enabling this LVM behavior in prevalent in online dating today. LVM meaning I just looked up.

Low value male? Low value male. Yeah, got it. Oh boy. mail low value mail yeah got it oh boy um i love that we're in the middle of a pandemic right and she's like how dare these assholes want to be in fresh air and not in highly you know dangerous situations so that they can buy me dinner. Yeah. Like this is literally just. I'm pissed because they're not spending money on me. Yeah.

If that's all you want from a first date. You suck. Right? Like if your main thing is like. Oh no no. Are they spending money on me? Like whether it be. I don't know.

A taxi or a cake or fucking beer or dinner. Like if that's your main thing you suck I'm sorry you're dating wrong the best is like what she was like they didn't let me order food because they had already eaten it's like you can order food like like you're welcome let her yeah it's like I highly doubt the guy was like ah yeah it's like you go ahead I've already eaten but if you're hungry go for it I bet you that's what it went and she got mad because it probably like i highly doubt the guy was like ah yeah it's like you go ahead i've already eaten but if you're hungry go for it i bet you that's what it went and she got mad because it probably like she probably assumed that they weren't gonna buy her food yes which is so fucked up it's like him having eaten has no bearing on whether you can have food or not like he he didn't like grab you

and like you know muzzle you as the fucking waitress or waiter came over and was like, no, no, don't look at her. Don't listen. She can't have food. I ate. She's not hungry. Thank you. Yeah. Also, just a glass of water for her.

The only thing this person can think of about going around to walk is that they're being paraded around like a horse, like they're showing off or like judging them. It's like if they want to go out with you, you've been judged and they find you acceptable at the very least yeah i hate to break it to you but if you're on online dating chances are that like yeah they've seen you and they know what you look like unless your pictures are fucking buck wild which hey let's not put it out past this woman that her pictures are like 10 years old i've never gone on a date to be like i wonder if this woman's attractive yeah because it's like sure i've gone on dates where i've been like oh your pictures have are very misleading and i'm not attracted to you that's fine that's

cool or you know different situation yeah over the course of the date i've not found them attractive because of who they are yeah like what would happen if i went out with this person but nine times out of ten you're not going on a date to discern whether or not you find them attractive because that's the craziest idea ever yeah the irony is like going out on a walking date is probably more personal than going to a bar because like you don't have alcohol to distract you you don't have other things kind of going around it's just you and them and you're talking you're getting to know each other so it's not as she claims like a step away from a real relationship because that's actually quite you know a personal getting to know you step it's not like i want to hook up right maybe it is but like it's also a pandemic

it's a pretty safe bet yeah like the the safest place you can be right now is kind of like outside in fresh air that's why there's so many places that don't let indoor dining take place so it's like it's one thing i mean like you know these guys are already taking enough of risk to like be dating yeah so it's like yeah i'm i'm okay with not being indoors and surrounded by a bunch of people. That's cool. Yeah, like minimizing that risk is a respectful and cool thing to do. And to like disparage them because they're not spending money. Because again, there's no other metric here.

It's just money. Yeah, that's fucked. And you suck at dating. So I have a question for you. Me or this hypothetical woman? No, for you. Okay. Because I'm more or less done with this woman.

This comes from Igloo Filet on Reddit. I'm not going to read the question. Oh, you got one of those. Yeah. I mean, it gets right into it. So they say, hello. So I'm talking to this guy. And we were talking about how strange dicks are.

So I mentioned the thing about when a guy cracks his dick, like he cracks his knuckles. And this guy tells me I'm insane. And no guy can do that. My ex used to do this all the time. Mostly only when he had a semi boner. He would basically take his dick in his hand and crack it just like his knuckles. I was so fascinated and weirded out by this at the same time. I had no idea dicks did that.

He told me most dicks can. But now I'm talking to this guy and he has never heard of it. And I don't know anyone else who knows of it. Was my ex some kind of X-Man being able to crack his dick? I swear it cracked. I've seen it. Heard it with my own eyes. She dated Cracky D?

Cracky D, famed superhero of the Midwest? Imagine that being your superpower. It's just like in the pivotal moment it distracts them. It's like they're about to gun to your head and they're like, say goodbye. And you're like, and they look down at your dick and you knock them out. That's the thing. It's like I was

joking about being like, oh, it's a shitty superpower. But if I was robbing a grocery store and some guy would just drop his pants and just stab his dick, I'd be like, oh, what the fuck? To be fair, even just hearing it made me feel ill.

I can't imagine seeing and or actually like hearing it, not just hearing it be described. Yeah. Okay. Can I? Okay. We're both on the same non-cracky dick sitch, right? What?

Oh, watch. Oh, man. You know, I was going to do that. I was, like, fighting to find something near me that I could, like, crack, but, like, my bones don't crack. My knuckles, my joints, nothing cracks on me. Everything cracks on me. Including that shaft. No, thankfully...

And then, like, a bunch of people in the comments, it was pretty much 50-50. People would be like, yeah, I do it all the time. And other people would be like. So I did a little bit of research. This is actually talked on Dan Savage's podcast. And he had like a doctor on there. Is that a podcast we beat in the uh

filipino charts uh yes it is okay so just go continue sorry dan savage i just wanted to double check that we were in fact at one point better than you continue but yeah like apparently so it's at the very base of your shaft and sort of like where the skin meets your pubis or like the shaft meets your pubis. You could pop that. And the doctor is like, yes, that happens. But they offered no explanation as to what specifically was popping. And also, is it bad for you? you well here's my thing is i assume it is because cracking your knuckles is not good for you you know what i mean like isn't that a

myth no i think it was like i think there is because i've heard both i've heard both sides of that so the i think the myth is that it creates air pockets. You know what I mean? And that's, what's bad. I think the, what is actually bad for you is that it, uh, it promotes like a bone movement that isn't supposed to move and grinds down the bone in ways that it isn't meant to be moving. I think is the,

is telling me right now. It's fine. Oh, okay. Well then, yeah, go crack your dicks unlikely to cause you harm now i say that purely about knuckles because i do not i do not i i refuse to believe that cracking your dick is healthy so please don't crack your dick especially not because of this podcast if you want to do it on your own accord, by all means, we do not give you the green light. I don't, I personally do not give you the green light to crack your dick. Yeah.

I'm, I'm not going to sit here and tell you it's a good thing to do. Like, Hey, do it if you want. We're not going to stop you. We will not endorse it. I am kind of curious because like,

there's nothing better than like having a good back crack or like a neck crack or a knuckle crack like does it does it feel good can you like crack yourself to completion well okay here's the thing i don't think it feels can you crack off oh cracking off i don't think it feels sexually good or i wouldn't imagine it's a sexual pleasure the same way that like you know cracking your back isn't a sexual pleasure but it's a release it is it is a good feeling i would like to know and i say that like let me tell you right now i'm in no way going to try to figure out how to pop my dick i don't even know what it would pop there is it just some people have something think about um oh yeah what what's popping i have no idea but the the image someone drew as a as a way to describe it is like think

about your dick like your legs are spread in a v sitting down your dick is erect pointing out like you mean up not up but like you know like a straight out from your I know this is an unlikely way don't like it and then you bring your hand straight down onto it like almost like a claw machine game okay and then you're gripping it so that the thumb is

towards the base of your shaft and then you just crank it to the left or right I guess that's terrible I i i'm done with no i'm done with this um we've told you how or what not to do with your genitals i think it's time to tell you some pleasant things to do to your genitals let's take a quick little break we will not endorse cracking your dick but what we will endorse and who will endorse us is manscaped valentine's day is upon us fellas so make sure you're ready for wherever the night

may take you our friends at manscape the global leaders in men's below the waist grooming, are here to tell you that you need to use the best tools for the job so you can be ready for anything on that special day. Once again, we are sponsored by Manscaped and 2 million men are already trusting them and their products to groom. Make sure you're one of them. So funnily enough, I was not a person who indulged in manscaping until we actually got our wonderful packages off the manscaped people. Many reasons, like I never really had any complaints. I also never really knew what to do. And there was like an element of that fear, like you never want to get that nick. And like, it's funny because since we've been sponsored by Manscaped, so many people have reached out and told me about them getting their shaft or their balls

or as Dane, you know, illustrated his taint. And that didn't sound great. So the other day, I, well, what, two weeks ago now, I went and did my first little groom down there, courtesy of Manscaped Lawnmower 3.0. And it was fucking great. It was very easy. It was very simple.

And I'm just saying this for all the people out there who haven't, like I did, that you should consider it if you're interested it's actually very painless and i mean that mentally and physically so what you're saying is using manscape you have a 100 success rating in trimming your balls technically yes i have never cut my balls and that is technically all due to Manscaped. Yeah. 100% success rating from Niall Spain. Yeah. No, but like, seriously, it is really good. I did it in the shower. It's waterproof.

So there's no mess on the bathroom floor or the sink. On top of that, it has a cutting edge ceramic blade. So it reduces rooming accidents. And I am happy to say I got out unscathed. Valentine's Day is tough. blade so it reduces rooming accidents and i am happy to say i got out unscathed valentine's day is is tough for for guys it's very easy to figure out what we can do for our ladies you know what i mean like a nice thing of flowers some chocolates a good dinner and that's like as long as you put a little bit of effort it's fairly easy to have a good valentine's day but when it comes for the

ladies getting the guys something it it's difficult. Ladies, we're here for you and telling you this is something that is going to, as Niall mentioned last week, it's going to benefit both of you. One, he's going to clean up. He's going to love the things you get him because they're fucking incredible. Also, if you get the perfect package 3.0, he's also going to get a pair of the best looking boxers that you're probably ever going to see him in they're soft as hell and let me just tell you they're going to make his ass and dick look fantastic these are some functional ass boxers and like boxers that feel that good shouldn't look that good but they do like i would wear them to work as easily as i would wear them on a date and

that's great we don't get a whole lot of sexy things. We've talked about this before. It's like guys don't really get the chance to like wear lingerie and like that kind of stuff. We really only get one piece and it's the boxers. And nine times out of 10, it's like they're all kind of run of the mill. The manscape ones, they're, I don't know how to describe it without showing you. Well, dang, do it.

Show them right now. Shove it through this microphone. Hey man, I'm going to tell you right now. If someone tweets or sends us a picture of them using our code, which we'll tell you at the end of this break, cashing out at Manscaped, buying yourself something, I will

post a picture of my butt in the boxers. I will join this pledge. We will, there it is. We will post pictures of our butts in the boxers. If if you it all takes one person oh one person show us that you used our code and we will we will reveal these booties now i will say on top of that the crop preserver and the crop reviver like i like them because they're functional in that like my balls i'm a dick smell great uh and you you know you want to feel safe

because you know there's nothing worse than you hear those horror stories, and we've heard them before, of going down on someone smelling something you shouldn't. And it kind of ruins the whole experience. But on top of that, their foot deodorant, it just arrived from my roommate, and it's fucking great. It smells as good. It smells like cologne, almost. It's like your shoes are going to smell like a sexy man. And that's incredible. Yes.

Smell is a lot of people kind of like overlook the smell aspect of things. And if you smell good, you're going to be instantly more attractive to everyone. And I'm not talking like everyone is going to appreciate your presence more if you smell good. And that is a Dave Miller fact. It's true. And on the topic of smell, they also have a new refined cologne signature scent. It's the same signature scent that's in all their formulas, which one is great because it's good. But two is just proof of how good the rest of it smells that they made a cologne on it.

And it's the perfect complement to the package. So down to business. This is the perfect package for your package or for your partner's package. If you want 20% off and free shipping, just use the code buddies20 at manscaped.com. That's B-U-D-D-I-E-S 2-0 at manscaped.com. Your balls will thank you. Once again, that is 20% and free shipping off everything in the store. Perfect package individual stuff the cologne anything on the store 20 off free shipping at manscaped.com using the promo code buddies 20 happy valentine's day from fuck buddies and manscaped All right, so are we keeping things sexy, I guess? Let's keep things sexy.

All right. This is, I guess, technically our Valentine's Day episode. This is Throw R.A., Feast the Music. I'm not going to give you the title. Off the bat, I know there are more tragic, sordid, or complicated circumstances than this one. Some also might laugh more than sympathize. I get that. This is one of the worst experiences of my adulthood so far, and it happened yesterday. Background.

I, 28-year-old male, have been dating my girlfriend, 22-year-old female, for about a year plus. She's wonderful, kind, mature, understanding, important traits to keep in mind, crazy about one another and have a future. She knows the good, bad, and ugly about traits to keep in mind, crazy about one another and have a future. She knows the good, bad, and ugly about my past and vice versa. And for the most part, I can tell her anything. However, being relatively new relationship, we're still not past the honeymoon phase where I'm a hundred percent comfortable being myself, warts and all. For example, I leave the room to pass gas. I don't pick my nose in front of her. And that's less of some of my grosser habits. I think that's fine. It's taken me a while in prior relationships to get there. I think that's true of most

relationships. Unfortunately, that timeline will be pushed way, way up if I come clean to her about what just happened. So for the last month, we've been living in the same city. About a week ago, I started having stomach issues, namely constipation. Had it before. I've never seen a doctor or anything. This time, however, it was so bad I had to let her in on the loop. She was great about it, supportive, helpful, even found me a gastroenterologist to see. Our sex life took a dive, but that may have been me, mostly. Discomfort, I'm not handling my embarrassment well. Fast forward to three days ago. I see a doctor. He prescribes a solution I take. After an hour of discomfort, followed by unbelievable relief and a long shower, I join her

upstairs and we both pretend nothing happened. I thought it was done. Those more familiar with colon cleanses than I can probably guess what happened the next day. I drove to her apartment and we were close. I felt some gas and like I had to fart. I held it in until she left though. Less than two blocks later

it became very clear very quickly it was not gas and it felt like my whole stomach was full. I found the next parking spot. No restaurants or Starbucks nearby, but their building was two blocks away. I text her and start to run, clenching the hallway, praying I could make it. I barely made it to her apartment on 20th floor, called her with no answer. I started ringing, pounding the door, yelling her name to no avail. I knew her parents also lived there. She was likely at theirs. Couldn't remember their floor. Nothing that matters.

I couldn't make it anyway. All I could think about was not shitting my pants. I opened the stairwell door. Saw it was empty. No one was coming. Rather than saw my drawers, I pulled them down. Crouched on the wall. I did the dirtiest, most disgusting, shameful act of my life.

On the stairwell landing, a mere two doors down from where my girlfriend lives. It wasn't just crap. It can't even be described as diarrhea. It was everything there was remaining in my colon that had been backed up there for over a week. I truly struggled to believe a human produced it if I hadn't been its maker. I finished the flight as fast as I could. Of course, it was only afterwards riding the elevator that I a BR, a bathroom off the lobby the whole time. I cleaned myself up in there and sprinted to my car, ignored dozens of texts and calls from girlfriend apologizing, asking if I still needed to use her

apartment and if I found a bathroom. I responded when I got home, but kept them brief and vague, specifically ignoring the one asking if I found a bathroom. I have no idea if she found out or will find out. She's clever enough to put two or two together. Obviously, if someone mentioned something about it, unless it was cleaned up, it's certainly the sort of thing floor neighbors would talk about. I feel guilty, like I should come clean. I think slash know she'll understand, but I doubt she'll see me the same way again. This isn't stinking up her bathroom. This is a full-grown man who couldn't hold it and wrecked her building's stairwell. I'm ashamed and embarrassed. If she finds out, especially from someone else,

I'd feel horrified and humiliated. I think I'd have to break up with her. I know it sounds extreme, but I don't think we, or I, could recover. Even if she insisted it didn't change the way she saw me, I don't think I could believe her. Do I take this to my grave, hoping she never finds out,

or finds out, never mentions it, and lets it live in blissful ignorance? Or do I come clean about it all and corrupt our relationship strong enough to overcome it as someone who has had some terrible stomach issues in the past until i sort of figured out my my situation i feel this man's pain thankfully I've never like shit out in public. I've always managed to like make it to a bathroom in time. I've done unspeakable bathroom crimes in those bathrooms. But at least there was running water. You know what I mean?

Like at least I could flush it. At least some poor fucking dude didn't have to clean it. Honestly, I'm a strong believer of being open and honest in relationships, but this is something that you take to your fucking grave. Yeah, you gotta take it to your grave, man. I don't see any benefit in admitting to it. No. What's the benefit like hey maybe maybe you show up in a balaclava one day with some glasses on and a shapeless robe and shoes that aren't yours you can never be traced and you throw a hundred dollars at the concierge and you run because maybe he had to clean it

yeah maybe she had to clean it i don't know maybe maybe, maybe you send an anonymous letter that just says, I'm so sorry about the stairwell. You know what I mean? Here's $3,000, something, you know, something like that. Because the thing is, I doubt she had to clean it. So she doesn't need to know about it. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. This was a, you know, someone is hired to clean the building and they had to deal with this.

Oh, don't worry. I found a Starbucks. That's it. Yeah. That's it. That's you done. And she goes, oh, man, but somebody just spewed diarrhea all over the stairwell. You go, man, I understand that guy because that could have been me.

Move on. But didn't he go over to her house and then not go over to her house like that's that's a you're gonna construct something like as to why he drove all the way there and then was like i guess she didn't answer the phone right yeah just be like i really i remembered there was one in the lobby because there is camera evidence of you entering the lobby going that well i mean more like he was going over to her house no he dropped her off and then was driving away and called her was like can i come back oh right so like in that case he ran up she didn't answer he went to the bathroom to the sorry not

the bathroom the stairwell where he he acted right yeah yeah oh in that case yeah you know you're fine i thought he was going on his way to like hang out with her and then fucking dipped yeah no it seems like he was he dropped off was coming back and just like you know the only thing you need to worry about and this is because i'm watching shows like your honor and i'm a big fan of breaking bad it's like there's always like the one thing that kind of like breaks the carthouse is there a video camera in the stairwell yeah that's the thing like did the concierge see you run in desperately like clench running you know and saw you shame like sidling you know trying

not to walk properly so that your messy butthole doesn't get all over your trousers out of the stairwell. Like they probably know it's you. Are you going to get arrested next time you show up at this building? Because that's even more embarrassing. Yeah. Imagine like you going like why? Like her parents live there. Here's here's the situation.

It's going to happen for you, my dude. Her parents are coming down to walk their like little Pomeranian fucking dog. And she's in the lobby waiting for you. Oh, it's a surprise. Like, Oh, fancy meeting you guys here.

Oh, you look lovely. Mr. And Mrs. Smith. And then fucking Steve, the concierge locks eyes with you. And you know,

you know, he cleaned it up and he comes up and he's like, you, you shit monster. You're the shit monster. And Mr. And Mrs. Smithith are like what is he talking about yeah he's he's kept it in a bag and he's gonna empty that bag on your head it gets on the pomeranian no that you've i there's nothing that can come out of you telling her maybe you know

one day when you're fucking 68 years old yeah that's like you're married kind of story bad poop stories are like it's just like there's nothing you can do that's the worst part because there isn't you know what i mean if it's happening that's happening it's like you know yeah it sucks another person has to clean up that stairwell but it's easier to clean up a stairwell than shit all over your pants dribble it everywhere else And then sit in your car and just squelch your way home. That's the thing. It's like, if you feel,

cause it sounds like this was a torrent of poop. This is like, there's no way that's not dripping out your legs. You know what I mean? So it's like, this would have been a trail of shit. I would rather have to clean up a concentrated pile than, you know,

17 floors of stairs that have just a little fucking chocolate sauce drizzle down, down, fucking all these things that would suck. That would be insult to injury. Don't tell her. Just do not. And you know what?

If she figures it out, that's going to be the end of the relationship. But that's okay. I'm going to do a quick one. And I think we answer this with like one sentence each. Or like one thought each. This comes from Reddit user TK2762. 24 year old male.

So I was scrolling through Facebook and I saw a really cute girl who shares one mutual friend. My best friend's girlfriend. With me on Facebook. I want to message this girl, but I get the sense that girls find the cold approach on social media to be creepy. Doesn't help that my Facebook, Instagram accounts are basically empty. I don't like posting on social media. If I were to message this girl, what would be the best approach or what to say? I'm trying to build my confidence and not be insecure and approach girls I find attractive. Don't. If you really want to do it, talk to your friend's girlfriend. But even then, she's probably like, oh, he saw her on Facebook and thought she was cute.

Like, okay, weird. You know what I mean? But that's the only natural way to go about it is like through that connection that you have, especially if you've got like a weird ghost profile. 100%. It's not cool. They're not going gonna be like, oh great. Another random man sending me some bullshit.

Yeah. 100%. Like you haven't in, you have, she's a friend of your, hopefully she's a good friend. Hopefully it's not just like a, you know,

vague connection, but if they're good friends, I don't see any, like any reason why you can't kind of set up a double date or an introduction. At least I would sort of like start with the, your best friend before going to the girlfriend, like talk to your best friend and be like,

Hey man, like straight creeping. I saw this cute girl. How does she like, how much does, you know, your girlfriend know her and then ask her, her,

your boy, best friend to talk to the girlfriend on your behalf yeah and if nothing happens from there then they've decided or they've talked and it hasn't gone well or the girlfriend has been like no i'm not going to do that and that's it sorry you've lost your position but like i really don't think anybody should be like cold approaching someone they don't know on fucking social media of all places the other thing is like it's it's a double-edged sword because like one it's shitty to do and creepy and like no one wants it and also there's so many like filters on social media now so like if you're not friends with people it usually goes to like your message requests yeah so she probably might not even see

it and then your self-esteem gets kicked in the nuts because you think she ignored it yeah so like it's it's a no one wins in that situation so go through the channels that you might actually have a chance to talk to her if it doesn't happen it doesn't happen move on also like if if it if she does see it and it's like oh that's fucking weird and then she's like oh it's like my friend's boyfriend's friend that could reflect badly on them which could reflect badly on you like maybe the girlfriend then doesn't want to hang out with his friend with him you know like it's just

not fucking worth it and also no one appreciates that no one's like wow someone saw my picture and thought I was attractive because guess what I'll bet she's got 40 other fucking messages in her fucking thing she didn't appreciate any of them either so just know all right we're gonna wrap this up you have some tinders for us.

Oh, you know it. We like to finish off our episode with a deep dive of online dating profiles. We comb them for red flags in an effort to one, laugh at them and to make your online dating efforts a little better. Now, we don't get that many men profiles submitted to us which i think is a shame so if anyone wants to rectify that send them this way so we got one here do you want to start or end with it let's start you want to start okay this is john he's 41 six foot love music sports great outdoor classical enthusiast what do you think so far i'm in pretty run-of-the-mill no single moms if

you were a cat she wouldn't have left you and the kids behind damn okay don't date this man well you did your best dude i'm giving like a minus 10 yeah yeah no. No dice for me. This is a big ol' red flag. This is Shadnaz. I've traveled more than most people in my age and have more guy friends than girlfriends. Sort of my major and my career made me develop skills to get along with guys better than girls. I'm an influencer. Swipe left if it's an issue. P.S. I get bored.

Fart emoji. So I unmatch you if you're boring. Shrug emoji. Instagram. Did I have a stroke or did the parent in the middle about the talking to guys thing did that make no sense that made absolutely no sense okay cool i wasn't sure if i missed something or if i like blacked out i can only assume she prescribes to the uh like seduction school of all women are exactly the same and therefore your major and your career can make you develop skills so you get along with guys better than girls that doesn't make sense like unless you're majoring in the manosphere and being a sigma male

yeah you actually just get on better with girls because you'd be so no one can understand you you'd just be so i so I appreciate the like influencer warning and to hate that like that's someone's identity yeah influencer like if you were actually an influencer you wouldn't need to say it

realize in this technically influencers because we're sponsored yeah but like I don't say it suck it Sh shadnaz uh i'm gonna give it a one like also i get bored no shit everyone does i unmatch you if you're boring yeah no shit everyone says this person is the most boring person i bet it's all one word answers from influencer shadnaz yeah'm sorry. Just it's a one. This is Sarah.

Is anal cheating? Asking for a friend. Now, here's the thing. We could be assuming that she's asking if it's like infidelity or perhaps there's a game we don't know that's being played. It's true.

Like maybe she's in a soccer league and she's like, hmm, no one talked about i can't slide tackle right i can't shoulder check can i fuck someone in the ass though hey you know what you got to get that edge on some of those rec leagues one way or another yeah um i'm gonna give it a five because I'm just not clear. Hey, it gets the people going. This is simply me. Is that their profile name?

That is their name. There's a capital S and a capital M, but it is all one word. Cool. Their picture has put it out in blue writing over their selfie. I don't understand what we're meant to be putting out, but not interested in just hooking up. So please be more than just a handsome face and have more to offer than just a big cock.

I would like to meet someone who is willing to engage in a deeper connection than intimacy. Deeper connection than just intimacy. What is a deeper connection than intimacy? Is she equating intimacy with sex? Because that sounds like what she's doing, which not right no not at all maybe she's just found like the next level yeah maybe um you heard of intimacy intimacy too yeah i wanted like this sounds like also someone whose facebook profile picture is like flowers it It's one of those things. I don't know why, but there's like a certain age.

And I think it starts at like 38 where people think that landscape photos are acceptable pictures on online dating. Fair enough. I'm going to give it a three because it's not offensive, but it's not good. Not good. Yeah. Yeah, sure. I agree with that. And then last but not least we have shelby

quote insert some stupid love quote here end quote some bullshit about me living wine yoga dogs in the mountains not for the mentally stable shrug emoji yeah like i love the anger i love the like the approach of like it's like you don't seem like any fun why would anyone ever say yes to you other than physical attractive yeah like i get that they're trying to poke fun at the like you know common conventions of online dating and women's profiles like love quote wine yoga dogs mountains lol whatever they are they aren't doing it very well and then not for the mentally stable that's yeah that's some energy i don't want in my life mental stability is an issue in a relationship with you that's it's not great and again nile's not being ableist he's not implying that you know having a mental disability

or being mentally unstable makes you less of a person but to specifically call out mental stability. Yeah, it's a weird flex. I don't know. Because it's ableist in its own sense, or it's fetishizing. I don't know, man. It's bizarre. It's getting a one from me. Yeah, one sounds good to me. Guys, we got to get some more guys' Tinders in here.

I'm strongly considering, for some reason tinder has been on my phone forever and i'm strongly considering uh rebranding my tinder to a fuck buddies account and setting it to guys and girls do it and just like what the hell else am i doing it's we're all locked down presumably forever at this point so like why not why not just you you heard the dozens of, uh, Canadian businesses are going to open in a few days. That'll save us all. It'll fix all our problems.

Just as the numbers start to drop, they've come up with this genius idea to make them drop further by having bullshit barbecue fiestas like that one asshole. Cool. Let's end it. Um, thank you very much for listening. Uh, we appreciate the time that you spend with

us. It means a lot to us. And we are work rowing. More of you are listening and that's very, very cool. Philippines, back on top. So, US, you gotta get back in the race.

Sadly, our home country of Canada, third place. Yeah, you guys are letting the ball drop. That's okay. You're better hockey pucks, I guess. But you know what? I think I prefer the Philippines, to be honest. Like, if I had to choose between which country we had the back of, what am I trying to say? I don't know. But also, Canada Canada's listening so shut your goddamn mouth oh yeah

I know oh god Justin Trudeau it's going to come at us regardless of where you are or who you are thank you for spending time with us thank you for listening thank you for sharing with your friends if you are it means the world to us if you would like to reach out and have a question answered or even just say hello whatever

we're happy to hear from you. Um, you can reach us on Facebook at FCK buddies podcast. You can find us on Instagram at FCK buddies podcast. You can find us on Twitter at FCK underscore buddies. Nile is very active on Twitter, so he'll probably get a chance to tweet back to you. Um, you can email us at F buddies podcast at gmail.com, or you can visit us online at fbuddiespodcasts.com and hit the contact button and you'll be able to send us an email and choose your agent name and we'll answer you ASAP. Yep. Also, Kyle has been, you know, you know, Kyle, if you've been listening, he's been our guest the most times of any guest. He's wonderful inside and out. He's a legend of a chef. He's just

one of the best people in the world. He's been helping us through our social media. If you realize our Instagram is actually functional and incredible, that is him. He'll also respond to you or forward on your lovely thoughts and or responses, messages,

etc. to us. Get him up there, because he's better at this than we are. Thank you to Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities for their song, Paper Stars. And seriously, guys, thank you so much for, like, our numbers have never dipped. Like, they've always grown week by week.

So, someone out there is always telling somebody else to give it a listen, and that person stay it, you know, and that means so much to us. You know, you guys are the reason why we do this. So to the people letting their friends know and spreading us further. Thank you. Thank you so much. And we appreciate it. And hopefully we will be worthy of the love that you guys give us all the time because we love you guys right back. Absolutely. At the end of the episode, Niall, I don't want to say treats us,

but will regale us with some bad sex writing that he finds on the internet or through modern literature. Um, do you have some for us today now? Yeah, I feel bad. I said a nice thing about like all our listeners and now I'm just going to punish them with this.

This is Wildwood by Ginot Diaz. She is standing in front of the medicine cabinet mirror, naked from the waist up. Her bra slung about her hips like a torn sail. The scar on her back as vast and inconsolable as the sea. You want to return to your book, to pretend you didn't hear her, but it is too late. Her eyes meet yours, the same big smoky eyes you will have in the future. Ven Aca. Ven Aca, she commands. She is frowning at something on one of her breasts. Your mother's breasts are immensities. One of the wonders of the world. The only ones you've

seen that are bigger are in nudie magazines or on really fat ladies. They're 42 triple Ds, and the aureolas are as big as saucers and black as pitch at their edges are fierce hairs that sometimes she plucks and sometimes she doesn't these breasts have always embarrassed you and when you walk in public with her you are conscious of them after her face and her hair her tetas are what she is most proud of your father could never get enough of them she always brags but given the fact that he ran off on her after their third year of marriage it seemed that in the end he could damn if she was a catch he wouldn't have left that's some real john energy uh my name is dave miller my name is nal spain love you guys and we are your fuck buddies au revoir