F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 126 - Jacksoff Dollop

Episode Date: March 1, 2021

If you're gonna cream your jeans, you might as well make it artistic.  Topics include breaking up but in the future, getting very excited by holding hands, love lockdowns and general relationship dread and cutting ties with a lost cause.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller. And I'm now Spain. And we are your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky sexy situations and turn them into sexy sticky situations.

Simply put, we find questions either on social media or that our fine, beautiful listeners send in, and we answer them on the topics of sex and dating. I had something that I wanted to talk to you about, and I don't remember what it was. That's a powerful opening. Well done, you've done it it everyone's enthralled me included keep going yeah no that's it anyway uh thank you very much for listening thanks josh eagle yeah and his harvest cities uh fuck man i think we really solved a lot of problems this week i think we just kind of kind of just did it i went on reddit today and just no one had any questions wow that's That's, you know what? I feel like that's been happening lately. There's been less and less, uh, people have started treating each other better. No one's in ridiculous situations. Seduction was just one post that just said,

come on. And one more post from seduction itself saying, I'm sorry. Yeah, that's all it was. I think, I think this might be the last, last episode. Yeah, I don't think we need to do it anymore. We said when we started out that the only reason we were doing this podcast was to completely and utterly fix the world, and I think we've done it. At least in terms of sex and dating. COVID still exists.

Yeah, that's going to be our next podcast. You might have heard us shipping around a few different ideas like moderna we were gonna call our our podcast you're gonna have to listen to two episodes within three months it's a whole it's a work in progress you'll find out later i see what you did there do we want to just dive right into it let's do it just get wet and horny real quick always oh wait oh where do we start though what energy i hey i said wet and horny wet and horny real quick always oh wait oh where do we start though what energy i hey i said wet and horny wet and horny uh this is a by shaden rogue my girlfriend told me she wants to break up for university so she can sleep with and send nudes to other guys that will be in like two to

three years we agreed together forever and she still wants to end up together, which I doubt now. We've been together nearly two years, and she's never mentioned this before. I've put all my life on hold and put it into this relationship per her request, because I thought she'd stick with me. Now she's saying this. It basically feels like cheating to me. And she wants to stay together until a bit before uni, before she breaks up with me. To me, this just sounds so fucked up, and I'm upset, and I don't know what to do. Huh. I guess they're like high school, right? Teenagers? before she breaks up with me. To me, this just sounds so fucked up, and I'm upset, and I don't know what to do. I guess they're like high school, right, teenagers? I would assume so.

There are no ages listed. Yeah, but I would assume high school, girlfriend, boyfriend situation. They seem to be saying in two or three years, they're going to university. Okay, so quite young, right? I imagine like 15, 16. Yeah. Not everyone went to university at the ripe age of 11, Dane.

Not everyone can be a fantastically successful orphan, Dane. Both my parents are still alive? Sure. Tell that to the YA genre you inspired. I'm just really smart, kids. I wasn't even smart.

I just hated my hometown. Anyway, we're getting distracted here. There are two things that I think we need to talk about here. One, I think it is pretty strange to decide that you're going to break up with someone in three years time. Yup. That's a bit fucking ridiculous. And then I think there's also something to be talking about on his end where he said, I put my whole life on hold as per her request. So, like, I think those are the two things that we need to talk about here.

I'm going to start with him first. Can I just point out that I just love the per her request because it just sounds like he's writing a formal email. You know what I mean? Like, no one ever says that, like, your request please find attached below well the thing is is like what what could her request have been if this is her plan like do you think she pulled the move of being like hey i want to break up with you in three years and when i go to university um but i would also like you to do nothing until then i want you to just wait for me i don't know also like i know this probably sounds mean to some of our younger listeners but like what fucking life are you

putting on hold at 15 like that's the thing it's like i would understand if like if this was a after the fact thing like you guys agreed to go to the same university and blah blah blah or not go to university and you guys were going to do something else, and then she hits you, like, a week before this all was supposed to come to fruition, be like, oh, yeah, by the way, I'm heading off across the country to university. Bye. And you didn't apply.

Like, I would understand that. You know what I mean? Like, if you guys had made a plan to do something, and then she's behind your back, did the opposite. And it's just kind of like leaving your heart undried. But one, you have three years warning that this is coming. So whatever you manage to, you know, put on hold as a teenager, I can probably wager that you'll be fine in getting it back on track within three years before you leave high school. Now, we've had the most romantic team.

Maybe this is the most successful team. And he's just fielding fucking like business contracts left, right and center. Some of which he will never get back because, you know, GameStop or something. I don't know. He turned down that big sort of investment opportunity because he was like, no, no. I'm dating someone in high school. I'm dating someone in seventh grade. Yeah.

They were like, hey, do you want to be Mars Rover? He was like, oh, can you give me a year? Maybe three. They were like, no. He's like, I can't do it. Me and Shayla, we got to see this thing through. And then Shayla was like lol you could have been on mars right now but in two or three years i can be sending men nudes

yeah okay now let's talk about her if you know you don't want to be dating someone it like with the foresight of three years in the future don't date him now the thing is she does want to get back with him after university which is also a wild move yeah see it's like if that's what he meant by like putting his life on hold i would understand what he's saying it's like she was expecting him to oh so she wants to be free and him just to wait kind of deal okay yeah like if if that's what he meant but it doesn't seem that like he seems like he's put his life on hold now. Currently. Yeah.

But either way, whatever. And this is like this is one of those cake and eat it too situations. Like you don't get this. Unfortunately, if you do want to sit down with your partner, again, this seems so strange to talk about, like, you know, 14 year old kids. But like if you want to agree, be like, hey, we're going to be high school, you know, partners and we're going to be boyfriend and girlfriend. But I do have, you know, full intention on, you know, going my own way after high school you know partners and we're going to be boyfriend and girlfriend but i do have you know full intention on you know going my own way after high school and the other person's like cool great i agree with that awesome still weird but sure yeah it's weird but i mean if it works it works great like maybe that's also something you're into what i love about this situation is and like i

think what kind of really comes up is the it basically feels like cheating to me line is that like a relationship is a two-way street you get to determine whether or not it's cheating like and you get to agree to it or not if you're not happy with it don't agree to it and if you are happy with it then you probably wouldn't be posting about it if you think it's cheating then it is cheating you can you can you know say that and like yeah sleeping with other people and sending the nudes is generally considered cheating um again if you're cool with it if you want to have a polyamorous relationship or a break that's fine but clearly you're not and that's that's it like you it's not like this can happen without your

consent but let's also remember that this hasn't happened yet. These are theoreticals of what she wants to do three years from now. Well, what I'm saying is like, if you want to say no, say no. Like, it's not a thing that can just happen to you without your input, you know? Yes. Yeah, you're not, you didn't lock yourself in on this ride and you're just like, well, fuck, now I gotta go all the way to the end. It's like, yeah, if you're not cool with the outcome outcome of this end it now and find someone that isn't like this yeah there are a lot of things that should have expiry dates like meat and dairy relationships are not one of them if you know you're gonna break up at a certain point things get weird believe me i've been there so that's not gonna be fun but also if you say you don't want this to happen

and she goes, oh, okay, I'm not going to lie, I would be inclined to disbelieve her because, you know, why not just say, oh, okay, and keep the relationship going until university and then break it off anyway. I feel like if you're not down with this, you should probably just break up. Because even if she stays with you,

she's not going to be happy if she feels trapped and like she never got to spread her wings right yeah i that's the thing it's like there's no reason to stay in this relationship one you know it's not going anywhere she's told you that well no she says together forever and they want to get back together after she goes and is free i guess i say yeah i suppose but like no i i think you just need to be like yeah i'm glad you have your plan of but like a big part of relationship shouldn't be excluding the other partner you know what i mean yeah like this guy doesn't really seem to have any sort of agency within this as opposed to just kind of being dragged along to what she wants to do exactly like you said if if you want to be polyamorous while you guys are away at college

great cool do it that's awesome but if you're just doing it begrudgingly because that's what she wants this is going to suck for you yeah then you will be putting your life on hold and you'll be poisoning your relationship and you'll be wasting years of your life especially at university and shit it's like that that could be such a good time so it's like if you're doing something you don't want to do you're gonna be fucking miserable so it seems like unless it's not 100 yes this needs to be a no and it does not sound like a 100 yes so i'm gonna say you gotta break up yeah i i think it's time to move on and again don't try to look for your life partner when you're 14 and it's it's very rarely gonna work i'm sorry yeah it's not like it's impossible you know i know plenty of people who are high school sweethearts who you know are married and

happy with kids and yada yada but guess what i know plenty more that aren't yeah for for the one you know success story i give you like the entire school of people who didn't. Just let things be what they are. I know it's very hard as a teenager to realize that you are the microcosm of your life. And while everything seems like it's the biggest thing that's ever happened to you, probably because it's the first time it's ever happened to you. And you just got cascades of fucking emotions roaring through you and all those hormones.

Yeah. So it's like, don't try to sort your life out. It's hard enough that your guidance counselor is being like, hey, you need to have like a 20 year plan and you're 13. Can't vote, but you should be able to decide your entire future and, you know, your course load this year. Don't try to do that with relationships. That sucks. All right, hit me, Dan., your course load this year. Don't try to do that with relationships. That sucks.

All right, hit me, Dan. This comes from Boy888. I slightly came when touching my significant other's hand. He's 27. She's 23. How good are these hands? For context, my current girlfriend is my very first relationship, and I have never had any sexual experiences before.

I still haven't even with my current girlfriend. This happened during one of our first dates. I was sitting at a park with her, and it was the first time I held her hand. We were both being a bit shy about it until suddenly I noticed a small wet stain on my pants. When I got home, I realized it was pre-cum. I couldn't believe it and I was slightly embarrassed. It was a good thing she didn't notice. Is something wrong with me or is it just that I'm so inexperienced that even the slightest physical contact gets me sexually excited. Okay, well, let's be fair. Pre-cum and cumming a little bit are very different things.

Yes, it doesn't sound like you orgasmed. Yeah, you were just horny, at which point, you know, you had an erection, at which point some pre-cum came out. So really, the question here is, I got a boner when I touched my girlfriend's hand am i normal yes yeah yeah dude you're fucking you're young and this is your first like thing everything's gonna make you horny everything yeah she's gonna look at you she's gonna text you you're gonna smell her you're gonna hold her hand you're gonna hug her like boners everywhere man And like age doesn't really have anything to do with it. There are times where like, just, you know, if, if we're out and Amanda's looking real good and like, I get my hand on her hip, there are times where I'm just like, well, yeah,

I'm hard. It's like, yeah, it's going to happen. Um, and like, I understand, especially in public and especially like on a first date, it's like, you don't really want to be, you know, erect in a public place, even if you're in a bar or like a club or whatever. It's like there are, you know, people are weird about that. And, you know, it could rightfully be so. It's like no one really wants to to look at your dick in public, whether it's your pants or not. So I understand sort of like the anxiety of that end

but as long as you're not like strolling through a kid's playground while you have an erection you're fine like don't worry about it yeah if you're not proudly displaying it or like touching yourself you'll probably get through it now back to the spot. Was the spot visible when they got home? Or was the spot visible in general? Because we might need to talk about wearing different pants on your next date. Yeah, I would say dark pants might be the way to go. Jeans even. If you're wearing some pale slacks or something, you're going to have an issue.

If you've got this powerful pre-com um i think you're gonna maybe also avoid uh cosmic bowling glow-in-the-dark mini golf oh god yeah jesus don't any of these sort of oh man that's laser it right there you're gonna look like you're wearing some kind of like glow-in-the-dark camo by the time you're done no one wants that you just be like no no these are my jackson pollock pants my jack off dollop pants but it's like yeah don't worry about it man like it's fine if you need to maybe start like rumbling out before you head out yeah like maybe masturbate before you go out just to sort of like

release some of the tension also what is what's your masturbation like like are you not masturbating at all because that will definitely like sort of build up the reservoirs yeah not to say that you know you got to be you know drained of tanks for you to like go out to be coughing dust out of your snake by the time well i'm certainly glad i had a mouthful of water when you said that. You're okay. You're fine. Don't worry about it. Yeah, you're good.

And like if for some reason they saw you had a boner and freaked out, that's a them thing. It's like most people in this situation are going to expect you get turned on at some point. It's technically flattery. Yeah, that's the thing. It's like you guys were on a date and you were being intimate it's not like you know you were at a company christmas party and you were flirting with her and just rocking a half mask kind of like a funeral or something yeah it's fine all right you ready so this is sent in by a listener but it's a post they found online so i'm just going to read the original agent name um this is Poxal of 357.

And it's going to be kind of like a two part. Okay. People advise that you get your shit together before you start to date. And yet I see so many guys slash girls complaining here about their partners being abusive, lazy, scroogey slash not putting in same energy. How did these people get into relationships then in the first place? Just a rant. How come you all not happy in a relationship, complaining about hygiene of your boyfriends, their lack of appreciation or compatibility, got into a relationship in the first place? This would only mean that most relationships do start with masks being on for both parties, and slowly the mask wears off for real self. Is that the case?

How come being yourself come into play for people like us who struggle to even get a single date for years? How come so many people easily get in and out of relationships like it's a cakewalk for them and constantly changing partners meaning they aren't finding anyone compatible and yet easily get dates short-term relationships and a lot of attention okay are we gonna talk about that first you want to get in the second part i'll do the this for now okay so the the sort of rhetoric of you know sort your shit out before you get in a relationship i don't think it's bad advice i think it's very good advice i think you should have for the most

part a good sense of self i think you should have uh an awareness of of your insecurities and awareness of your triggers like those things be self-aware i don't necessarily think you have to have everything solved um but as long as you're aware of it and working on it and actively trying not to let them those things sabotage you i think you're you're in good shape to start a relationship now the sentiment of you know be a hundred percent before you start a relationship isn't a law. So chances, like, there are still plenty of people who aren't doing this. And I would say the majority of people probably are not

doing this. Yeah, and like, to me, this almost proves the point because it's like, they got into these things without having done that, and that's why these relationships aren't working. It doesn't mean you won't get into a relationship, it just means that, like, it's not likely to work out if you don't have your shit together right yeah 100 they're like it's almost a cliche at this point to have like you know father issues

and you end up into relationships with like older guys who are manipulative or you know it means like there are like cause and effects of these kind of things that are almost a given when you talk about relationships things of like you know dudes who are babied at home who aren't capable of putting dishes away as an adult like there there are all these things like this dude has not worked on himself this dude has not brought himself up to a hundred percent or at least you know in that area but he's still in a relationship and that relationship isn't going well because of it so to think that like oh everyone is in a relationship is at a hundred percent that's not true that's a hundred percent not true yeah exactly and i think that's like it's really important it's like just because someone's in a relationship that

doesn't mean they've got their shit together at all no you know what i mean like people you know the honeymoon phase is is exactly that because it takes a while for you to to let your guard down and to really know who a person is um and especially how you guys interact together it's like it's it's easy to to put forward a mask or like an act or even just to like go out of your usual kind of like routine just for a little bit to, to like, to put in that effort, but you can't do it forever. And a lot of relationships degenerate then once you really get to know somebody.

And I know plenty of people who are fully aware that they're dating toxic people or people who are bad for them and still do it. You know what I mean? Like there, there are plenty of people who are 100% aware that what they're doing is a bad idea and still do it. Yeah. So don't feel like everyone else has their shit together just because they're in a relationship.

That is not it. It also doesn't mean you don't have to, you know, one, be yourself and two, get your shit together because the more you do that, the better your relationship is going to be. Now, the twofer that I mentioned is because in a lot of the posts, the guy references another one of his posts about like dating, which I looked at, and I just wanted to visit that as well. Okay, so same poster. I don't believe in luck, but seeing myself, I might well be the definition of bad luck. Am I being paranoid? Don't know how to begin. Male 28, single for the last decade of my luck. Am I being paranoid? Don't know how to begin. Male, 28, single for the last decade of my life. Last year with COVID and lockdown has been very hard, but things have happened in the last couple of months. I can't even begin to fathom.

OLD is a mess for online dating. It was a mess for me. Got scammed pretty hard there by a girl with Bitcoin scamming. Didn't lose money, but lost a lot of time and emotional stability. When there wasn't a lockdown for three months last year, I met a lot of girls through hikes and meetups, but no one showed any romantic interest in me. It was all messaging for a couple of days, then they stopped replying. I got close to a girl in November after a couple of dates, but she lost her job and stopped replying or going out,

citing she needs to be stable in her life first. Point. I don't know what that means. Then two weeks back, I had a really nice neighbor who had been chatting on and off since last year, and I bumped into her again, had some chat, and asked her for a chat wine session in my place.

She enthusiastically agreed, said she was feeling lonely in lockdown, and put the date somewhere in the next week for the meet. I rang her bell one of the days last week. She opened up, said she's busy but will let me know. It's been more than a week now, and neither she nor I have made contact regarding that. I feel like a creep now to go there and ask again, and no, I didn't take her contact details as i thought were already neighbors stupid me the last part especially is eating my head up in lockdown i can't even fathom what's wrong with me what what is it that

i'm doing wrong and i can't even find someone to talk to am i being paranoid overthinking stuff okay i mean these are really really tough because lockdown and covid has really turned every like i'm so glad that i'm not single and and trying to date in these in these times because it's like i know that's a kind of shitty thing to say and be like oh but um i i empathize greatly um even with with the the stuff the time i'm spending on looking for profiles for our Tinder red flag section. I'm just like, what? What do I do? Because I definitely wouldn't want to meet up with people.

That's it. I would feel very uncomfortable meeting up with people, but I would also feel real shit not interacting with people in that way. You know what I mean? Not having sex for a year would fucking kill me. But those two things do not mix, right? Because it's like one way you know what i mean like not having sex for a year would would fucking kill me so but like those two things do not mix right because it's like one way you can't you can't have one without the other so either way it's like do you damned if you do damned if you don't

i don't know how people do it and i i know it's like like i've seen you what two times in a year yeah not including like the the brief drop off but like we actually spent some like quality time twice in in the year yeah what do you mean brief drop off you dropped off a christmas card so that would have been three oh yes okay fair yeah and both those times were when things had reopened and it was okay to do and it was outside like distanced yeah we were still six feet apart outside yeah again it's very hard to have sex with someone six feet apart in the public park so i like and i think that's a really important point to raise is like shit is fucked right now you know what i mean like to to be hard on yourself

because things aren't going your way in a time that like i know unprecedented times is like a fucking it's lost all meaning right now, but it literally is like, it's, it's wild situations that we don't know how to deal with still. And I don't think anyone does. Right. Like everyone's in this kind of like gray area, like a purgatory of like wanting to get laid, but not wanting to meet people. Um, so like, even if people are showing interest in not meeting you, it very well could just be for that reason. Yeah. And, and it's, it's one of those things where I think a lot of people are excited to like

go on a coffee date or go on a hiking date because like, yeah, they, they want to meet someone and talk and connect. And, and then I think a lot of people, at least for me, I think the reality of being like, oh, it's, if I want to go any further, I'm going to be taking a significant risk. And I think that at least for me, I know that would be a huge deterrent. And it's like, I also don't want to just keep doing nothing. So I feel like my interest would wane until I was, you know, at the breaking point of being like, OK, I need to find someone and then go on a date and then you know repeat you're also looking at this neighbor and like think of what you're going through of this isolation and how it's affecting you and how you feel blah blah blah and now she's going through the exact same thing

except with her entire life experience coloring what she's going through so you have no idea if she's you know going through a dep have no idea if she's you know going through a depressive episode and while she would love to have a wine date with you right now she doesn't feel like it or even like how awkward and hard like i think seeing your neighbor is risky no matter what right because you're gonna bump it and again i've been there i was gonna say oh really Hey, I learned a lot. And the thing I learned is that when you're done, especially if it doesn't end perfectly, you know, you see each other in the hallway and like, it's weird. And maybe this person has better future vision than me, has better risk assessment and knows that, hey, if I do this, I'm possibly getting into a situation where I see this guy all around.

And it's going to be awkward, weird, and stressful. And guess who doesn't need awkward, weird, or stressful? Anybody in a fucking pandemic. So it's very possible that she was being friendly and didn't mean it. It's very possible she meant it and just then thought about it and was like, oh, this could be a really bad idea. Also, fucking ringing her bell. I get it. But also, I would hate that if I were her.

I'd be like oh no someone's at my door i hate when people are at my door yeah i i don't hate that he did it the first time although you should have gotten the number like and look you made a mistake you you even admit it it's like you fucked that one up you should have gotten her number at that point and been like or given her your number and just been like, hey, here's my number. Give me a shout anytime. And, you know, whenever you're ready, shoot me a text and we'll set it up. I do love that this person is aware enough that like once was was it.

Yeah, I mean, because I think that's completely true, right? You can't just keep harassing them. It's awesome that you know that. Now, my main issue with this question is in the title he says i might well be the definition of bad luck can you point out any instances of bad luck in this the part where like his roof fell through and destroyed all of his property oh wait that didn't happen um no no he's this is like if you want to talk bad luck, it's literally all of us. Yeah. Like aside from the pandemic, I think the one point is that the girl lost her job and like that,

that's, that's one instance. And that I think might be part of the reason why things aren't working out. Is this kind of negative, like, Oh, it's bad luck. Like I'm like,

woe is me like victimizing yourself almost. Yeah. bad luck like i'm like woe is me like victimizing yourself almost yeah if it's like the worst luck or worst of your luck is someone else having much worse bad luck like someone losing their job isn't your bad luck sorry dude like that that just shows a lack of empathy that like you have been like something bad happened to them and in turn this makes me unhappy yeah and and even then it's like nothing else like you talk to some people and they you know they mess for a couple days and stop replying that's not bad luck it just didn't work out and like you don't need to take that either personally or as this like karmic punishment it it just it's what happens you know but that negative mindset i think

you cannot help but but display that when you're dating, you know what I mean? If you have this kind of like, if you internalize it like the the tinder profiles that are like not here for this this you know i mean like when you come with that energy people kind of like back up and start putting some walls up because they're worried about what your situation is that that has you so angry yeah like that bitterness or whatever and it's like look it sucks it especially sucks right now it's not bad luck It just didn't work out. And that's okay. Like it's allowed to work out. In fact, it won't work out so many times.

And that's the same for me. It's the same for Dane. The same for every single person in the world. If it did work out, we wouldn't have a podcast. You know what I mean? Like the whole point of life, like every single thing you look like TV and movies and everything, it's all about it not working out because that's the main thing that happens imagine how boring life would be is it just like everything you did just succeeded and not spectacularly just like it just

happened yeah it would it would even if it was spectacular it would get fucking boring at some point because like you to want that is to not want romance you know romance is like taking chances and not knowing the future and unpredictability and like that that at a core at its core is is is what romance is all about you know i mean it's like you taking a chance and entrusting someone with with feelings and yada yada so it's like you you have to take the good with the bad and sometimes there's a lot more bad and and i'm sorry that that seems to be the situation for you currently but that doesn't mean that the good doesn't exist yeah and and sometimes the bad just happens in a big long stretch you know i mean

sometimes it's bad after bad and a lot of the time that's because the badness affects you and it's like it's like a self kind of defeating self-fulfilling prophecy yeah or like the negativity from the last thing means you're in the next one like a little bit more negative and then you know it just keeps going so you got i know it's easier said than done but you gotta stay positive like your mindset is is really important realize that no one owes you a date no one owes you any of this shit you know what i mean it's easier said than done, but you got to stay positive. Like your mindset is, is really important. Realize that no one owes you a date. No one owes you any of this shit. You know what I mean? That's like, you don't know what's going on in their life. Everybody's fucked from the pandemic right now, yourself included. And we get it. Like it's hard and you need to understand that you're in a crazy position right now. Like it's really difficult for you. So don't be hard on yourself for feeling down

and for feeling like things are tough. But at the same time, you got to try and be positive. And it's not someone out to get you or something out to get you. It's just not working out currently, right? Stay positive and keep going. And hopefully we'll all be out of this soon. And hopefully things will pick up well also let's you know rewind everything back to the first question it's like now is a great time to sort of work on yourself it's what i'm doing like i've never had the motivation that i have now to work it i've been working at like six days a week uh and it's because one it gives me something to do it gives me a little bit of structure it gives me a little bit of like you know i i feel great now because of it it's a confidence boost um and

i'm not saying you have to go get jacked or anything but like you could do anything you know start painting again start writing start streaming on twitch like find something that you want to do and do it until you don't want to do it anymore it's like it's okay if you burn through like 19 hobbies during a lockdown fuck it you know i mean like who cares if you've if you go to the dollar store buy a fucking canvas and some paints and paint for a day and you're like wow i suck at painting and i fucking hate it okay great you've learned something about yourself cool yeah or i mean there's i i don't know where you are but like there are a lot of sort of free online counseling that you can sort of like get trials and stuff into so maybe talking to someone in that regard would be helpful alternatively reconnect with your friends like i don't know

what the fuck i would do if i didn't have like I'm lucky enough to have like a core group. I've got like six boys. They're my social circle. I don't really talk to anyone else or do anything else with anyone else. And that might sound sad, but it's like I'm I'm so content with that. It is so nice to just be like, these are my friends. And I know that, like, I can probably jump on a video game with one of them to chat with them. No, it's it's

so good having now and so two things sorry that i noticed in the comments that he he put in is uh one he he did have a therapist briefly who was terrible and that doesn't mean fuck therapy or fuck talking to someone because some therapists just suck you know what i mean uh by all means try reaching out and finding another one it could also be your mentality on therapy like i know a lot of people reject the second therapist sort of like turn the mirror on people people reject the concept of it yeah because that's the point is like if you're going to to talk about some some things they're going to get personal and you know really kind of challenge you but i also know some do suck yeah especially like with regards to like lgbtq people and like talking to the therapists and like you know often like if you're talking

to uh therapists of a different ethnicity they might not understand where you're coming from so i've heard a lot of stories about that. I don't know what this person's specific situation is, but I just don't want to say, write it off, you know, try another one. If it's a common thread between them, maybe that's something you need to figure out. If they just sucked, then wash your hands of them and move on. But secondly, to the original one about getting your shit together before dating, they did mention that they expanded their hobbies, attended meetups and did outdoor activities and stuff. And the one thing I would say is that that is great, but you do have to

be sure you're doing it for the right reason. Not that you're like, oh, there'll be girls here because then you're not doing what you're setting out to do. You're just trying to pick up more girls. So I would say, make sure the things you're trying to do and introduce into your life are things you genuinely want to do. Like, if you showed up and there was either no one at the class or just a bunch of ugly men, you'd still be happy to do it.

Yeah, 100%. This was sent to me on Instagram from one of our lovely listeners in the Philippines. Hell yeah. They're going by the agent name Pinoy Boy Toy. Love it. It's long and let me tell you, this gets listers in the philippines hell yeah uh they're going by the agent name pinoy boy toy love it it's long and let me tell you if this gets this gets explicit hell yeah hold on i just i just need to put another point on the board under philippines uh yeah they're winning still so i

bear with me it's a it's a bit of a novel but uh i i told told them that we would do this hell yeah so i was dating this 21 year old model who I met through a party I organized last December. During the party, I was kind of teasing her a bit regarding her swimming skills. At the time, I was focused on this other model who had this awesome body and luscious dance moves, and so I focused my attention on her. Luscious dance moves. Luscious. A few days after the party, this bad swimmer girl added me on Facebook, and from then on, we chatted and eventually met up for a date.

She had a boyfriend at the time, and we didn't do anything the first time we met and went out. The second time, though, I made my move and kissed her while we were in the car and slipped my finger down her pussy. I was met with no resistance and was surprised to feel her soaking wet pussy. She then confessed that she was lusting over

me for quite some time, and so I told her that it was not fair for her boyfriend and that she had to her soaking wet pussy. She then confessed that she was lusting over me for quite some time, and so I told her that it was not fair for her boyfriend, and that she had to break up with him if we were going to continue doing kinky stuff. I had to eat those words, as she was really into sex, and was sending me nudes to get me excited at random hours of the day, so I continued to see her, and we eventually ended up fucking. After a month, she and her boyfriend had a huge fight, and she used that opportunity to break up with him.

After a few more dates and intense fucking, she then asked me what type of relationship we were having. I told her I was not ready for a serious relationship and was comfortable just going out casually. She then told me she wanted us to have the freedom to go out and have dates with other people as long as we don't fuck them. I was hesitant to agree at first, but I ended up saying yes because the sex was just too good, and she was into choking, using sex toys, and other dumb stuff.

In my country, I feel like that is a rarity, as this is the first time I found a girl willing to be able to do all that stuff. She was the type of model who just didn't go out for photo shoots and product exhibitions, she was also being paid to go out on dates with different men. Then came a time where she had a date with a group of guys along with her other model friends, and I was stupid enough to show jealousy. We ended up having a fight over this. I knew it was my fault because of my pride, so I apologized. We agreed to put everything behind us, but everything changed after that. She became a lot less responsive and was refusing sex, saying it's all I ever want from her, and she felt like she was being used. I then told her that I was surprised she felt that way and all the while I was thinking

she kind of wanted the same thing. So I told her we can go out not have sex if that was the issue but she continued to give me this cold treatment and would only respond sparingly compared to before when she would hit me up all the time. Is this a lost cause? Should I still pursue her or just avoid all contact altogether? I really miss the sex though. And it would be a shame to lose that, but also don't want to waste time and lower my pride for a lost cause. I have not been in contact with her for days, but she continues to look at my social media and she posts shit that I feel is directed towards me.

Some passive aggressive stuff. They apologize for a long text, but wanted to give us context. I love it because half the time when we get questions, there isn't us context. No, I love it because half the time when we get questions, there isn't enough context. The only context I wish we had was the specifics of the argument because I think a lot of that hinges on how bad that went and what actually happened when you got jealous

because it was like a brief jealousy thing versus a big blow-up argument that really colors the end of this question. But I must say a spicy story. Spicy. I like it. There's some juice. There's some drama.

I also love the term like putting a finger down someone's vagina because usually you'd say up. Yeah. I mean, I guess if they're in a car, he's thinking like, you know, hand went, went down.

Maybe they're upside down. I don't know. In Ireland, we say dropping the finger of course you do why wouldn't you yeah exactly so i just i it kind of brought me back um okay hmm so many things to unpack here i personally am not a fan of the see other people but don't fuck them rule because to me it doesn't make much sense. It's like you're committed or you're not. There's no like gray commitment to me.

So that's a red flag for me, especially because like, I don't, I just, I don't know. I would imagine that like, if you don't want to date someone, you're not going to hold to that.

Yeah. Also like, why would you like, I would hate to go on dates and be like, well, I have no intention to fuck you bye yeah what's the point at that point you're just friends like you're not going on a date you're just hanging out with someone and even if like even if it goes well like what if you go

out because presumably the only reason you'd still be dating is to like find someone that you do want to hook up with so it's like do you then like mess them like hey i'm sorry i'm gonna have to break our weird semi dating promise to like fuck no you you would just fuck them because this isn't a thing this isn't like dating no one it's not like established firmly in society that you're an asshole if you if you go against it which again she also clearly has no problem doing yeah there's also things where i'm just like i'm not sure if it's a cultural thing where like are you like did you tell us that she's an escort like is she a sex worker because like being paid to go on dates i know doesn't necessarily mean that you're having sex with someone but like is she like a girlfriend experience kind of person i'm not sure i wasn't

sure what that meant uh yeah or i'm unaware of but it did sound very escorty. That also comes with its own distinct challenges and, and requirements of communication when you're in a, in a, a relationship with someone like that or someone who, who does work in the sex industry, whether sex is involved or not. Yeah. Also,

the other thing I want to bring up is you're he's 33 and she's 21. Okay. She's young. Okay. She's young. Yeah. Very young. And presumably attractive enough that men are wanting to pay money to go on dates with her. This could all just be like,

this might not mean as much to her as it does to you or vice versa, depending on what exactly you guys are looking for. Like if she is okay with being sort of like quote unquote, like the flavor of the week or, or the, the, you know, the it girl for as long as someone wants to give her intention. And then she,

when she wants to like bounce, she bounces. I don't know specifically what that dynamic is going to play or what, like what your dynamic with, like, how are you throwing these parties filled with models as well? You know what i mean like i don't know that dynamic and again i don't know if it's a cultural thing or if it is like

are you just like a real cool playboy kind of guy who can throw parties with models i don't know the amount of models have been mentioned especially ones with luscious dance moves and ones that cannot swim how do you know she can't swim questions for another time but feel free to update us um so for me i don't know like i can't imagine that she would have asked what are we in that way if she didn't want something more right and i can't imagine that she would then being turned down for that still kind of aim for something because like to be like oh i want something casual and then to kind of still push for some kind of commitment it does seem like she was into you at at least, you know,

a fair amount in terms of it being more than sex. So to transition from that to like the jealousy thing, and then the cooling off, like, again, I really wish I knew what went down during that jealousy thing. But for me, it's I would imagine the only thing to do now is to just kind of like cut contact. Because if it's not working and they don't really seem into it, I think just pursuing it is only going to make things worse. Whereas if they're actually into you, I think you kind of like giving them space will then provoke them to reach out to you yeah i would i would say maybe try the opposite of what you just suggested and send a honest text of being like hey i really enjoyed what we had going i'm still not looking for a committed relationship but i would love to maintain a sexual relationship with you if if you're not interested anymore let me know we'll let it go

you know i mean make make like one final clear declaration of what you're interested in lay your cards down on the table put the ball in her court and and then step away because i don't think you're you're really like losing any pride no not over over sort of like being honest i think if you were begging her i think if you sort of were willing to do something that you didn't want to do in order to keep her around that i think is when your you know your self-worth kind of gets wonky but i think just being honest and being like this is what i'm looking for i i like you and i want to keep doing what we're doing here's here's what i'm offering here's what i want and here's what i i i would like from you and then if she is is still sort of like not

responsive to that then and you do what i said yeah then then cut ties and move on because like you know what else can you do other than beg and and you know change who you are neither of which you should do no of course not yeah no uh dade's right I think maybe do his, but then do mine. If it doesn't work, don't do mine. If it does work out. Also, might I suggest if someone has a partner or a boyfriend, chances are it's going to get messy on your end. Either it shows that she might not be completely mature enough to handle relationships or that she doesn't like really value those kind of relationships as much as someone else might have yeah i didn't get into the fact that like that's just not a good situation because we've said it a lot of times before but yeah also to then get into a weird like we'll see each other

but not sleep with them deal i'm not gonna lie i don't believe that she's holding up her end of the bargain when she's not even holding up her end of a relationship bargain, if that makes any sense. Like, maybe that's unfair of me, but. I know we've talked about the whole, like, you know, try not to put people in the box of like cheaters will always be cheaters. Yeah. But it is, you know, it is also something to be aware of. Also, it's kind of a shitty thing to do to someone else, even if you don't know the dude or the person, the other, the other person involved in this, if you, if you want to think about pride, you know, try, try to look at it from that, be like the, the biggest hit to your pride, I think was,

was going on the second date with her after knowing she had a boyfriend. So be a little more solid in your self-worth. If someone's going to keep you as like a side piece, quote unquote, they're, they're not valuing as much as you should be. It's very possible that this is how that develops. Then it's like, you piece, quote unquote, they're not valuing as much as you should be. It's very possible that this is how that develops then. It's like, you know, if people aren't necessarily what she's considering, but more maybe the situations and the self-worth she's gaining from them,

maybe at this point, like the buzz that she got off what she had with you is gone and she's looking for somebody else to kind of buoy her up in that way. You know what I mean? Yeah, exactly. Anyway, it sounds like you have an ample selection of models just chilling around you so i i don't think you should get too hung up on this go go find your luscious dancer and maybe pursue something with her but yeah reach out put your cards on the table again like when you're not debasing yourself or begging you're not taking

a hit at all you're just you know being honest and genuine i think you're gonna feel a lot better if you leave it with no like question marks surrounding the event you know what i mean if she's just like no boom done you can move on if she's like yes great back to the sex and also for her like if that's where it ends at least that'll be clear in her mind so if like she's like oh shit i missed the sex it won't be as weird for her to reach back out to you you know what i mean as opposed to if it's muddy then maybe she's not really sure where you guys ended yeah you know so good luck yeah good luck all right i think it's uh time for some tinders yeah all right well i going to start with this.

I'm going to kick us off with this. So at the end of the show, we usually do some Tinder red flags where we get, you know, profiles that we either find online or are sent to us by our wonderful listeners. Kind of just comb through them and point out what we consider red flags. I'm going to start you off with something a little different,

which is an opening Sally of, of responses. Okay. So this is Ivan to unnamed female. And you just tell me what you think. a little different, which is an opening sally of responses. Okay. So this is Ivan to unnamed female. And you just tell me what you think. And he opens with, can't wait to see you, but I don't care. Damn! And she says, huh?

And he says, means I don't mind if we hang out. And at the same time, I don't care if we don't. Nice. And that's all they have on this screenshot for us. But isn't that powerful? Yeah, I love that. I think if I'm ever single again, that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Hey, I like you, but maybe I also fucking hate you. Hey, you're very, very attractive, but meh. Okay, how about this? And this is just a tiny little byline. This is Rebecca. She's 23. I am a real existing woman of business. I have both interests and passions.

DTF. Well, that doesn't sound like you're going to wake up, like, in a tub full of ice missing a kidney. No, not at all. She's a real existing woman, and she does business, not murder. It says it right there. She has both interests and passions. Exactly what normal human beings say. I can't tell if it's a 10 or a 1.

That's the thing, is if this is someone's real attempt, it's a 1. If it's someone fucking around, I think it's very funny. But the best part is, the picture is her with her arms folded. It looks like stock photography of a businesswoman, and i don't know whether they've like posed that way which is again a tan or if it is legitimately some kind of bot at which point they've just found stock photography

of a businesswoman i cannot tell this is simultaneously this is schrodinger's profile it's a tan and a one yeah and you don't know which is which until you meet up yeah until you've either had probably the best sex of your life or you're missing organs or you're in a bitcoin scam like earlier uh this is lupita i'm looking to get a boyfriend i would like to get married i'm looking for someone to get married and have children with is that it just has her instagram that's powerful um but not in a good way. I'm personally, that's a one for me because that's what we call coming on far too strong. However, if you were looking for that, maybe that would be a five. I don't think it goes higher.

No, no, I don't think so. I remember I did like a, I've mentioned it a bunch of times. I did like a blind date thing to the once musical. The person I was set up with was not my speed, but I ended up finding this really cute lady there. And I was chatting with her at intermission and she was like, yes, I'm here to find my future husband.

And I laughed at her in her face and she got very mad. And she's like, what do you like? Why? And I was like, Oh no, she was serious. She was 100% serious.

Later on, they did like a, a video of it. And she's on camera being like, I'm here to find my future husband. My mom me up and like i was like oh man oh beans yeah and it's like i don't know like it's like putting the cart before the horse isn't it you should just be looking for a good relationship and then sure maybe that comes but like yeah saying i want to date someone but also a husband but also i want kids it's like't know. Also, there's no information about you.

That's a one. How about Rebecca? If more women acted like ladies, more men would act like gentlemen. Oh, okay. Blame the ladies. That's a hot take. That's, yeah. No, I'm not crazy about that.

I'm going to give that a one. I'm going to give that a zero. Sorry, Rebecca, but that's a real shit sentiment uh this is ivy divorced all capitals three exclamation marks head game strong hand game stronger love some solid nipple play okay so she could drop a finger right down your penis yeah you know what i like the energy that's a seven you know what i mean it's like hey she's owning it she's getting a little sassy and kinky in there. You know, she's winking her way around the nipple play and the hand play.

Her head game is undeniably strong. I'm down. I like it. I'll give it a seven as well. Yeah, I got nothing against it. Okay. This is Julia. Beauty must come from the soul.

I want to meet friendly people. If you're looking for any pornographic relationship, please away i like the idea of slipping away yeah it's like it's demure like just like pop it in be like no pornographic relationships well let me just slide on out of here bye it's very polite i'll just uh slip away now i'm gonna say five like i don't care but like there's nothing it's very bland but slip away is funny so'm going to say five. Like, I don't care, but like, there's nothing. It's very bland, but slip away is funny. So yeah, four. This is niche. He puts his

location, so I'm going to skip that. Need a boyfriend to greet me every morning. Angel emoji. Reverse guy living in blank. Love Big D. Loves the Big D? Yeah, love Big D. You know what? It's seven. It's pretty boring, but... I do

like the idea that he's like, I want to be greeted every morning, Angel Face. By the way, I love huge dick. Okay, cool. Yeah, no, he gets a lot of information there. You know he's verse. You know he likes Big D, and he's got a softer side. He wants to be greeted every morning.

It's a solid seven. Lastly, this is Nicole. I'm a sassy, fiery female with a lot to say. Wanderer, dreamer, poet. I love spending time in nature, having great conversation and good company. Travel, health, and wellness, food and wine are big passions of mine. I'm looking for someone who knows value when they

see it and acts accordingly. I admire a man with confidence, intelligence, and respect. If you lack emotional depth or maturity, please move along. I'm looking for something real. Values become a real hot word on online dating, especially perceived value as perceived through like multiple lenses.

The thing is, because online dating is, as we know, mostly investments at this point, you've got to use value so that the guy on here who's looking for the next hot tip just pauses and goes, wait, value?

And it's like, ugh, it's fucking dating on Tinder again. I'm giving this a five. Because it's, there's nothing. It's the most cliched thing I've ever read. Yeah, that's like, I need to start, like, screenshotting everyone who has, like, the same phrase and just read it out for every single person um i'm gonna finish off with philmore oh yeah now is it like f-i-l-l-dash

more wink or is it like it is it's phil and more all one word. Okay. Almost like Dilbert Fillmore. Don't settle for who is available to wait for who you deserve. Old-fashioned intelligent. As longer I live, I love more dogs. As more I live and study, I know less and less. When I could say I know that I know something at all, or I know that I know nothing at all, I will die. Please read that again. It's tough.

It is. It's hard to follow. Cause I'm trying to like put in the words that aren't there. Oh, don't you dare. Okay. Don't settle for who is available to wait for who you deserve. Old fashioned intelligent.

As longer I live, I love more dogs. As more I live and study, I know less and less. When I could say, I know that I know nothing at all, I will die. Okay, so, firstly, it's beautiful. But secondly, he's saying that dogs are going to kill him. Because the longer he lives, the more dogs he loves. Right?

And the longer he lives, more dogs he loves right and the longer he lives the less he knows right and the less when he finally knows nothing he'll die ergo as he gets older he sees more dogs more dogs he loves he'll die so dogs are like his kryptonite is this like a plea for help he's like please get these dogs away from me. I don't know because his three, one of them, like you can, you can choose five things. And one of his five interests on Tinder is dog lover. Yeah. Because I'd be interested in what's going to eventually kill me too. That's powerful.

That like, also one of his other interests is walking. Oh, no more's my boy. That's a 10 for sure. Because it's like poetry. It's got a real like, it's got real drama. Fillmore is the online dating profile of a stroke. It literally like, I felt like I was trying to piece it all together in my head. Like that meme with all the fucking equations floating.

There's so many no's and no more and no more. Love, dog, I will die. Also, we don't talk about how we're going to die in our dating profiles enough. I think that should be it. Our recognition of our mortality. Yes. Everyone who listens, change your dating profile right now and tell them how you're going gonna die and see how it goes

and let us know in a week memento mori all men will die when because of dogs it's a little known fact that's in brackets right after that quote uh thank you very much for listening friends that is gonna do us for this week we appreciate you joining us we appreciate you i don't know what you're all doing sharing us or if we're just showing up places um but more of you are listening uh more of you are sending us questions so thank you very much we appreciate you we love you uh and we we wouldn't be here without you 100 you guys are the best and yeah keep doing what you're doing. We're never going to be mad at a nice old review or a good old share. Um, and you guys are great. So thank

you. Thank you also to Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities. I know we joked you during our fake outro at the start. I'm doing it again, just in case. For the song Paper Stars. We'll never not thank Josh Eagle. No, in fact, thank you, Josh Eagle, again, and also your Harvest Cities and also the paper stars you've created musically. At the end of the episode, Niall likes to read us. Well, maybe do like the websites and stuff. Oh, yeah, that's a thing that we do. Actually, no, you're right. We're too successful.

We don't need it. No, no, no. If you want to reach out to us, there are various means in which you can do that. You can find us on Facebook at facebook.com slash fck8buddiespodcast. You can find us on Twitter at fck underscore buddies, on Instagram

at fckbuddiespodcast. You can find us on the internet at fbuddiespodcast.com. You can find a little contact form if you want to send us a question, choose your own agent name, or you can email us at fbuddiespodcast.com. You can find a little contact form. If you want to send us a question, choose your own agent name, or you can email us at fbuddiespodcast at gmail.com.

You ready? Yes. So at the end of every episode, I like to ruin Dane's ear holes and by extension, your ear holes, uh, with some terrible sex writing. And this is young Turk by Morris Fowley.

I am stretched out on a sofa. My beloved is determined to assess my age. She has an infallible method for doing so, the way they ascertain a tree's age by counting the rings in its trunk. Consequently, she has my member in her mouth. Her lips are thick with lipstick. Starting from the base of my penis, her mouth ambles upwards. At each half centimeter, her lips imprint a red ring around the shaft. She continues until she runs out of length. She counts the rings. On this occasion, they add up to 36. An hour ago, the number had been 41. She cuddles up to me. She coos. 30-odd rings. What a mature oak in one so young. We embrace. She smears her breasts and vagina

with rose petal jam. She squats above my face so I can imbibe her splendor. She lowers herself onto my mouth and lets me lap up every bit of the rose petal jam. Then she mounts me and, as she begins to rock, rubs her breasts all over my face. I'm in such ecstasy I'm ready to die. In fact, I want to die, because I know I shall never again find this heaven. The seventh heaven. Also, there's dogs in the room, and they're the ones that are gonna kill me. A hundred percent. The more I jam these boobies, the more I see dogs.

The more dogs I see, the more I die. Also, like, I'm not gonna lie. Someone put jam on their boob- like, that's probably the only time I wouldn't want someone to rub their boobs in my face if it was covered in fucking jam it's the least sexy thing ever and i'm why is there jam in the bedroom also smearing your vagina in jam that's like some gwenna paltrow level like no is jam a metaphor i don't know it's rose pet. Yeah. It's not like her vaginal jam as if, which again, disgusting.

And probably a sign that something's awry. Yeah, I don't know. Imagine just being covered in jam. How did this guy lose like five centimeters on his dick? Yeah, because the thing is, it's not enough you'd imagine that he's flaccid yeah like does this guy not like does he think i don't know i don't know dude anyway my name is dave miller and i'm now spain and we have been your fuck buddies go count your brains Music