F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 129 - Mudblood Mike

Episode Date: March 22, 2021

I don't have abs or a good brain, I'm pretty much House-Elf Mike.  Topics include a step-by-step guide to murder-staring, separating the desire for sex and masturbation, a fishy proposition, the new Arby's vagina sandwich, long distance reconnection and discussing Asian-focused violence.   This week we are proud to be sponsored by MANSCAPED.  Go to http://manscaped.com/ and get 20% off + free shipping with the code: BUDDIES20.

I put my trust in you, and when I'm trusting, I love you. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and when I'm trusting, I love you. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I am Niall Spain, and we are your fuck buddies. We are coming in with some salty energy today, friends. My name is Dane Miller. And I am Niall Spain. We are your fuck buddies. We are coming in with some salty energy today, boys. We are a Dating and Sex Advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations, turn them into sexy, sticky situations.

Simply put, we find some questions online or we get them from you lovely people on the topic of sex and dating. And me, I'm a good friend, Dane. We answer them. Yeah, we do. We're going to be doing that today. Do you want me to soothe your soul with some... It's probably... It's pretty nice.

Do you want to hear something nice? Sure. This is from Seduction. How having dogs can help you with understanding a woman's nonverbal communication. Dogs don't speak with words and sentences. They bark and tell you what they want with their body language. If you want to go outside, they'll give you an indication like barking, whimpering, moving towards the door.

The more you see your dog behave in this manner, you understand your dog wants to go outside. There are lots of dog owners who have a stronger emotional connection to their dogs than goldfish. Why? Because a dog and human can communicate with each other without understanding what the other is trying to communicate verbally. Not calling women dogs, but it works the same way with women. Kind of sounds like you're calling women dogs, dude. Oh no, he's not. But also, women communicate emotionally more than they do verbally. They talk a lot, but the words don't match what they mean.

This is why women may go for men they say they would never sleep with. Pay attention to a woman's non-verbal communication more than her words if you can do that you'll see your success increase fellas you can pick up a woman's non-verbal should be more likely to become attracted to you why because you get it that's why bad boys sleep with women who say i would never sleep with you that's why men who look like sewer rats and swamp creatures are able to get hot women these men get it damn sewer rats and swamp creatures huh neat a little bit of advice if you think women are fundamentally different creatures like and say compare them to dogs you're gonna do very badly in dating let me tell you um if you think women as a whole say say things that mean

not what they say one sounds pretty rapey to me two just incorrect yeah i mean well like just fundamentally the second you say women are like blank yeah you're in for a bad time because even if you try to say like women are like women it's like that doesn't make sense because women are so disparate and broad and could be anything that like you can't unless you're also saying that they're disparate broad could be like be anything that like you can't unless you're also saying that they're disparate broad could be like anything it doesn't make sense yeah there you go that's your job cool yeah that's yep definitely made me feel better about the world we're currently living in um do you want do you want to go first yeah so my questions today have a pretty strong theme of just not getting it okay so this is from reddit user

broker millman shy girl looking everywhere like i'm totally confused i'm meditating on the fact that girls can be more complicated than this lol in a crowded place we sit in front of each other but very far. Shy girl, slightly neurotic. First time I'm looking at her as she looks down. Second time she holds eye contact, in brackets, struggling. Third time she looks up, up left, brackets, instant. Fourth time she looks up right, instant.

Like, how the fuck am I supposed to read this? Man, I'm going to watch a movie instead smiley face any tots before i go jesus christ that was painful to listen to you should see how it's fucking formatted man is he just dead eye staring this person who sat near him in a crowded place very far away i'm sorry he's not set near them he sat sat in front of her, but very far away. And then stared at her. Yes, and is very, I just cannot figure out why she's averting her gaze. It's like, hey man, if you've,

every time you look at her, or if you've noted all of the various movements, which are five times. Yeah, that's far too many times to note anyone's eye movements. That means you're mean mugging the shit out of her yeah you've been looking at her those whole time right like you've at least looked at her also five times presumably the whole time because you've been able to note the five

distinct instances that she's looked at you yeah that's not looking at that point that's studying yeah you're she's not being shy my dude she's fucking scared yeah if someone sat down anybody and just was mean mugging me across the way i would be like i would probably like glance away at first which it seemed like it happened then maybe i'd like meet their eyes at one point and be like really are they gonna maintain this are you good man and then if they do it's probably like oh god i should probably look away in case i incite them i'll just glance away and that's like shit they're still looking at me yeah okay great this is weird you know i don't know what the fuck they're about to do we

live in a weird world right you could be about to shoot the place up you could be about to go cough on her you could be about to go try to fucking marry her like i don't blame her for being fucking scared of you right like i was i like i'm pretty sure i actually commented on this being like hey my man she wasn't being shy she was being uncomfortable because like let's paint the picture imagine you're at a bus station or a train station whatever everyone's crowded there's no there's there's you know two seats available or one seat left and it's directly in front of you but like you know 30 feet away in this entire crowd one person is staring directly at you the entire time through

all of the other people like over the shoulders and through the backs of the people's heads around you is just staring directly at you people pass by and he's just still looking that's fucking terrifying yeah and i don't care if you're a man or a woman or anything outside of in between anyone doing that to anyone else should make you very nervous yeah if like a young girl was staring at me it's like yeah i'm presumably bigger than her and whatnot but like something's up yeah you know because like that's not even the action of someone who's like into me you know if you really want to get like optimistic because that's just weird and even if they are into me if that's the best way they can go about you showing it they're probably a fucking lunatic right and it's like at no point in time you've only noted

that they averted their gaze in shady ways no mention of smiling no mention of like a flirty little like you know hair tuck behind the ear no no all you've literally noted is the fact that they have you know uncomfortably met your gaze several times in which you maintained your gaze for that entire duration yeah at one point she was so uncomfortable she was struggling that's great dude well done i love how you're like hey she must be shy like she's really trying to be confident and look at me no dude she's fighting her probable primal fear that you're glaring at her and she's like if i meet his gaze he'll leave and you just were like nah i got wet eyes girl i don't need to ever blink i'm assuming the second like the second

time she looked where she like maintained and struggled was probably her being like do I know him no it was probably like if I meet eyes with him he'll look away like he's not this intense is he maybe and then when she didn't he was like oh god because then you've got a real problem yeah right maybe he's just being a creep or a perv at the start or just zoned out or weird but it's like when she called you on it by meeting your eyes and you were just like I'm doubling down that But it's like when she called you on it by meeting your eyes. And you were just like, I'm doubling down. That's the moment it got really bad for her. Yeah. So there's nothing to get apart from some manners with your eyes, I guess.

Eye manners. I'd get a clue. Yeah. So that's the start. Be prepared for many more questions in which people aren't really getting it. Okay. Okay. Okay. I feel like now I want to join you people aren't really getting it. Okay. Okay. Um,

I feel like now I want to join you on the people not getting it. Uh, fuck it. I'll just, let's go with the other one. I had this by ASI, a K 22, a psych 22.

My husband seems to have an issue with me masturbating together. 11 years with a couple of kids. His sex drive is higher than mine. And since our kids have been born, he seems to think that because he wants to have sex with me constantly and he thinks he doesn't get enough sex, I don't have the right to pleasure myself. I feel silly writing it. It sounds next level controlling. I just wanted some input. I've been turning over a new leaf. I feel like there's a huge double standard in our relationship. He can do what he wants. And for some reason, there's always a justification. He masturbates

when he wants. I can walk in on him doing it and I'll just carry on with what I'm doing. No big deal. Anyway, he kind of caught me yesterday and said, I knew it as if I'm doing something wrong. We had sex a day or two before. So I said to him, your issue is you think we don't have enough sex. So I shouldn't be pleasing myself.

But when is it okay? We did have sex recently. I told him I could do it when I want. It's my body and he doesn't own me. Anyway, he looked at me as if I were cheating on him. I'm glad this happened because I do feel like I've let him control me in the past even when he would ask me if i'm pleasuring myself i would lie and say no i'm just curious what you all think and how i should respond to any attitude about this moving forward man this is kind of a tricky one

because like yeah let's get it out of the way you're allowed to masturbate whenever you want to um i think there is a little bit of decorum you need to use when you're in a relationship that like it's wild that this guy's just fucking jerking it like willy-nilly and when you walk in he's just like carry on that seems strange i feel like the best part is it doesn't even sound like he's the one saying carry on she like walks in and just like it doesn't you know it like goes about her business yeah it's that seems strange because like there doesn't seem to be it doesn't seem to be like a private moment you know what i mean like i don't i guess i i don't know maybe he's doing it in the bedroom or something and she comes in i don't really know their situation i imagine like the longer you're together and the older you

get especially if you have kids it's like there's probably very select locations you can do it so unless you're looking at yourself in the bathroom right it's like you know your bedroom i guess is your only safe haven yeah true i like i don't know but i mean like also there's there's really nothing wrong with it like if you're cool with him just jerking it and he's doing like all right cool whatever i don't care like i'd love to know what his like aha moment is like maybe he was trying to discern your sex drive when he was asking if you're masturbating you were like no no i'm not doing it and then he finally saw you masturbating being like okay so you are masturbating i don't think it's really rooted in that you know what i mean like i'm just trying to to play a

couple different angles well i do i do get that It's like, if you have lied your entire relationship and say like, you don't masturbate and then like, you know, obviously you're allowed masturbate, but if you lie about it and then he catches you, like you, you have lied to him. You know what I mean?

So he's obviously going to be more upset. And on top of that, like, cause I'm assuming the masturbation thing ties into the sex drives thing, which is the whole problem here, right? Yeah. Where in his mind, having a low sex drive is, so he would probably have sex every time he wanted to masturbate. Sure.

But he doesn't because you don't want to. And in his mind, he probably thinks that's the exact same thing. So when he finds out you're masturbating while claiming to not have a higher sex drive, he's thinking that he's the problem, not you. Right. So you don't like him. It's not that your sex drive is low, you know, and it could well be that, you know, masturbating is very different to having sex. You know what I mean? Like if you're feeling blah or whatever, like you don't need to worry about how you look or, you know, anything because it's just you and you know your ways and

you just kind of like hammer one out and it can be impersonal it can be quick and it can be lazy and luxurious it can be whatever the fuck you want it to be but you don't have to put that much effort in because it's just you so i can understand that you would have you know a sex drive and a masturbation drive but obviously this person doesn't and you need to talk to him about that instead of just being like we already had sex a day ago get over it you need to draw the line and be like masturbation is a completely different kind of sexual release and sexual pleasure than having sex with your partner if they're they're two you know night and day size of the like sure same coin but like they're still completely different know, night and day size of the, like, sure. Same coin, but like, they're still completely different. Like masturbation can be a form of,

you know, meditation or therapy or self care. Like a lot of people approach masturbation in a lot of different ways. Some people do it literally just to, you know, make themselves come and move on. Other people do it to unwind and relax. Other people do it. You know, there's, there's so many reasons why people masturbate and there's so many

ways in which you can do it and approach it and feel about it. So to equate, like you said, like this guy was probably just like masturbation is sex. If I want to masturbate, I want to have sex. If I want to have sex, I want to masturbate. Same thing, you know know cut and dry there it is whereas like there are definitely times uh you know where I would prefer to masturbate over having sex I mean it's pretty rare I always want to have sex but if I'm exhausted or whatever or you know sweaty or whatever and horny I'd rather masturbate than I would try to like find someone to have sex with this is mostly when I was single yeah Yeah. But like, that's the thing,

even though they're similar, they are different and your levels and your, the times you want them, you know what I mean? Are different, right? It's like, just because you are having a snack doesn't mean you're hungry enough for

dinner. You know what I mean? Yeah. Um, and like, that's the thing I get where she's coming from. Right. And I get where he's coming from.

You know, he like, he shouldn't control how she masturbates or when or if she masturbates. That's fucked. But at the same time, I think this is just a disconnect with like just communication. I feel like he doesn't understand why you guys aren't having more sex. And he's looking at this now as proof that it's not you it's him yeah i yeah i think you're correct i think you need to sit down with him and have the conversation of being like hey just so you know it's like yes i do masturbate i i think you should apologize for

lying because you did lie yeah and i think that has exacerbated the problem because either he believes you and now that you're doing it it seems like a bigger deal or he now realizes you've been lying to him the whole time and neither of those is great no so you know get that out of the way apologize be like sorry i shouldn't lie to you i don't know why i did i felt and you can even bring up the fact that like that you felt uncomfortable being honest with it or felt uncomfortable bringing up with him because i think that's also something you need to discuss yeah um and then you also need to be like hey just so you know if i'm masturbating it doesn't mean that you're not good enough for sex at that moment

you know i mean like you need to explain to him what your relationship with masturbation is so that he can understand that that his relationship with masturbation is probably quite different than yours and that that's fine and completely normal part of a healthy relationship is to have two very distinct you know relationships with masturbation and it can match up or it couldn't you know what i mean it doesn't matter it doesn't really affect who you guys are as a sexual couple so long as you guys are on the same page about what you're doing with it when you're doing it. Exactly. And like, you know, if there is an underlying issue as to why your sex drive is lower,

go for it. If it's just the way you're wired, that's fine. You know what I mean? Let him know that your sex drive and your masturbation drive are different. You know what I mean? And just communicate because it's very clearly a disconnect here where he's reading into what you're doing and acting badly. And then, you know, it's, it's just a fucking clusterfuck. So, you know, come clean and, you know, I guess, apologize for maybe misleading him about the

masturbation. But like, again, Dane brought up an incredibly good point where it's like the very fact that you felt the need to lie about that is not great. You guys have been years and you've kids you know what i mean you should be able to be fucking honest with each other so it's it's time for a tough conversation about masturbation but keep it fun keep it like this isn't a a relationship breaker you know i mean this isn't like he actually walked in on you you know masturbating to pictures of his best friends or his brother you know i mean it's not that big of a deal. It doesn't fucking matter. Keep it light.

Keep it fun. Keep it playful. Discuss it open and honestly, but don't make it a, don't turn it into a fight because this, I feel like this could teeter very easily into fight territory and it doesn't need to be. It just has to be a very honest conversation. Now,

Dan, how are we keeping the fun? Throw me out of the, throw me a little way to keep a fun there. Oh, I've been like, I don't know. I don't know if I have a specific word or like a phrase or anything,

or, uh, you know, a fun phrase. Okay. I don't think I have something like that, but I think that like, if you,

if you go into it looking to like stand your ground, it's going to be a much different conversation than if you go in acknowledging that it's kind of silly that you guys are both like secretly masturbating behind each other's backs. Now, I do totally agree with you. I just wanted to turn things a little silly and you didn't you didn't play in my space with me, Dan. I know. I'm sorry. I didn't have a fun, silly way to do it. I was thinking, like, you get a dildo, and maybe every time it goes in and out, it

plays a phrase, and you record your side of the argument, and then you masturbate with the dildo in front of him, and every time he's like, Hey, Steve, I think that you should be more open-minded, you know, and just go for it. That's pretty advanced dildo tech there.

I know, and just do what the guy in the first question did, where it's like stare him dead in the eye and never, never, ever blink. Yeah, and for him, he can get one of those like, maybe like a wraparound braille around his dick. Oh, and that's his response. She has to feel it. That would be that'd be incredible i wonder if anyone can do that or get like a you know like the the ridges

that a music box uses to like play do one of those on your dick yeah perfect get a music box dicks music music dicks music box dick dick music box we're spiraling hit me with the next question this comes from n serge on reddit is this fishy girl i'm friendly with matches with me on tinder i say hey she asked me if i want a strip for her friend's birthday and claims she will pay me background i know her vaguely have had a couple classes with her and stuff i commented once how she had a nice sweater and commented on her friend who was clearly doing makeup and being obvious about it. I have a shirtless pic. Wait, pardon? I don't know.

I have no idea what the fuck that means. Hey, are you doing makeup right now? Because it's very obvious that you are. It sounds like, you know, like he was doing heroin in the corner and not even trying to hide it. She was fucking doing makeup, bro? I have a shirtless pic that i think she

saw on my tinder is that it that's it is it fishy um to be fair if someone messaged me it was like hey will you strip strip for my friend's birthday uh i would definitely think that was fishy considering well not even fishy necessarily but weird yeah then again i'm not as shredded as i imagine this guy is you know i assume if he has a shirtless pick he's probably rocking a decent set of abs now unless it's some kind of ploy like you get there there's pentagrams and they're like no no these ropes are your outfit wink and then they sacrifice you to rovagug you're probably fine just get in there and make some money shaking that sweet ass also like i assume it's just a weird like a joke opener and like it's it's so sexually charged

and you just whiffed it so hard so fucking hard like she pretty much said that she wants to see you naked or at least she wants you to take your clothes off like the door was wide open and you fucking you know cut your hand trying to break in through the window yeah if you didn't think she was being serious guess what is a very good retort to that especially find this girl attractive you say sorry i only do private sessions but exactly exactly sorry i only do one-on-one yeah wink face boom maybe you can still get her to also pay you and then you can maybe make some money yeah this is the dream like i don't know how you fucked this up so badly well just the way he just the way he writes i'm imagining that maybe when God gave this man the magic Mike body, he didn't give him the magic Michael brain

Because like girl she's doing makeup and not even try to hide it. What does that mean? He's got magic Mike body and mundane Mike brain mudblood Mike brain Yeah, like that that's just such a wild phrase that i'm just imagining that like his his interactions with women don't go very well i'm sorry mundane mike there are so many ways you could have played this it's just such like a softball underhand pitch that you could have just cranked right out of the fucking park even just be like you know what like i haven't stripped before so i might you know you might want to haven't stripped before, so I might, you know, you might want to have me audition for the role when you come over.

Yeah. You could even have been like, I, you know, I'm a little nervous. Do you have any tips, pointers for me? Maybe you can give me a lesson and then you can apply that.

You would also like to see her strip for you or do makeup and not even hide it. Yeah. Or be very sneaky about it. Oh, man. Now, what I would love to know is, was she genuine? Did she actually want this man to strip? How much was she offering? Mm-hmm.

You know? I don't know. But I'm guessing that at best it was a come on. It was basically her saying, you got a rockin' bod. Yeah. And at worst, she was literally trying to hire you. And both of those are pretty good because either way, you got a rockin' bod. Good job.

Yeah, congratulations. You're doing things right. Nothing's fishy about this. You're missing how flirting works. I feel like I want to rearrange the letters of fishy and turn it into flirty. Is this flirty? Because the answer is yes. Yes, it is.

She's doing flirty and then she's not even trying to hide it yeah she was she was doing a flirt on you bud all right well speaking of doing a flirt let's do a flirt on our listeners with our sweet sweet sponsors yeah let's hit them let's do a flirt on our sponsors. This week we are once again sponsored by the lovely people at Manscaped. And is there anything better than the fresh mowed grass at the ballpark on opening day? How about freshly groomed balls? Our sponsors at Manscaped, the global leaders in below-the-waist male grooming, are here to help you strike out your bush for good.

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I, female 19, have been dating my boyfriend, male 19, for nearly five months, but we became friends about a year before. He's my first boyfriend, and I want to take things slow. He said he was okay with that, therefore we haven't slept together, but I had decided saying yes when he next asked me because I felt comfortable with him. I've given him blowjobs before, and he asked if I want to have sex with him or allow him to return the favor. I've said no and he's never pushed it. This means he's never seen me fully naked. A couple of days ago, we met up at his home and he started scrolling through social media. I started to laugh suddenly and I asked what's going on. He showed me his phone and it's a meme comparing some vaginas that inside lips protrude to beef. I can't imagine the exact joke, but it was implying that it was bad. I asked if he agreed and he said yes. He was also still laughing. My one is like the ones being compared in the meme

he was laughing at. I've become very insecure about it now. I know he will hate my body. I like him a lot and he's very nice to me. However, I don't think I could ever be naked in front of him. Makes me nearly cry because I want to have sex with him, but I could never now. I'm a virgin, but he is not a virgin. I'm worried about being compared to his other girlfriends too. Does anyone have any advice on how I could overcome this? I'm feeling very embarrassed about it. I don't think I could talk to him about it. I really like him so much, but I'm scared of him hating my body.

Thank you. This is tough. And I can't directly empathize with, or like, you know what I mean? Sympathize with you because I don't like the dicks are dicks. It's you get very rarely any sort of like, they all kind of look the same. There are other circumcised or not. And really that's the,

the end of the variation. I know there's, you know, slightly curved or, you know, yada, yada. But like,

I feel like vaginas have a, I have a pretty wide spectrum of on the other side. I do feel like how a vagina looks versus, you know, the length and girth of a penis, which one is more commonly hammered down on throughout like every form of media. Yeah, no, for sure. Like, I think you could definitely empathize from the fact that's like growing up, you

have to be like, shit, is my dick big enough? Is it long enough? Is it thick enough? Does it look good enough? Is it, you know, do I last long enough? How does it look in a hat? How does it look in a hat? Googly arms? Pipe cleaner arms? I arms i don't know so one this sucks two i wouldn't worry too much about it and here's

why the guy's laughing at a fucking meme if you don't remember the joke and you're a virgin there's a chance you might not have gotten the joke you know what i mean you might have just seen pictures of your vagina and thought he was laughing at the vagina there could have been a joke that could have been sex related that you might not have gotten so like i wouldn't worry too much about that and i will say this also because i've never been faced with a vagina that i have been like i can't do this yeah there's there's no way i can do this and i've seen a healthy amount of vaginas this yeah there's there's no way i could do this and i've seen a healthy amount of vaginas yeah and there's there's no way there's no time that i've ever looked at one regardless of hair shape size you know whether you're an innie or an outie like i've never

looked at one and been like not for me can't do it literally have not. I couldn't even begin to tell you one bad, one story about a vagina looking bad. And I have seen a lot of vaginas. Like, I don't, I haven't heard a friend of mine ever say anything about a bad looking vagina. You know what I mean? Like, even on Reddit, like, we go through

fucking so many questions a week trying to get the gold for you people out there just shovel it into your ears what do you mean you people i mean beautiful listeners of our show thank you i've never even seen a question about someone who says a vagina looked weird the only time i ever see those questions are women insecure about their own vaginas you know what i mean like i've never seen a guy be like or you know someone who has sex with people with vaginas be like i couldn't do it i saw it and i just i could bring myself to do it there

have been people who have had those sentiments about you know either poorly trimmed pubic hair or smell you know i mean like those are sort of the two big things that i think people deal with with uh vaginas. Yeah, smell is probably the one I come across the most, which obviously not to add other insecurity. You're probably fine. Don't worry about it. Even if you're not, it's easily fixable. Usually you're fine.

Don't put a Gwyneth Paltrow egg up there. Yeah, I think if you like this guy, one, he seems good. He hasn't forced you into anything anything he's offered to reciprocate oral sex which is pretty rare apparently these days and when you've said no he's left it alone those are pretty good signs of someone who's going to be a respectful sexual partner maybe could have had a little bit more tact showing you pictures of vaginas yes you guys are still young you're 19 he's not exactly you know operating at full magic mike brain at the moment and the thing is he's like arguably comfortable with you

so i know it's again like what dane said that these bad judgment to have just kind of wildly like tossed this out in front of you and laughed but like he wouldn't have done that if he one had reservations about your vagina or two thought it would upset you i don't think so like it's innocent if totally stupid and also it's like you couldn't remember the exact joke and it was bad and you asked if he agreed maybe he was like you know i don't know the picture but if it's like literally like a beef sandwich or something and he was like would it be bad if it looked like that the joke is probably that it would because obviously it doesn't look like a beef sandwich or something and he was like would it be bad if it looked like that the joke is probably that it would because obviously it doesn't look like this beef sandwich you know so like you saying that and him answering he didn't know what you were asking

so you can't take what his answer was you know what i mean he didn't know you were saying like hey this is my vagina is that a problem if someone showed me a picture of like arby's latest sandwich monstrosity and was like hey you, do you think that's a bad vagina? I'd be like, yes, I think that's a bad sandwich. Yeah. Like at that point, it's so divorced from being the original vagina that it's now making a joke that the vagina looked like beef to then ask if the vagina did look like that beef. You're now basing it on the beef and not the vagina. So you're like, oh, God.

Yeah. So I think you're looking into it too much. And I get it. You know what I what i mean like that's very understandable if you like this guy fuck it you know what i mean like i don't think you should let that get in the way and you know what sure there's a possibility he's an asshole because there are assholes out there and unfortunately that is a part of dating you know what i mean like if you are too scared to do this with someone who you really like i don't think it's going to get better if you leave too scared to do this with someone who you really like, I don't think it's going to get better if you leave and try to get to the point where you really like somebody

else. Right. This is the kind of thing that's going to fester, you know, that by the time, you know, you get in with somebody else, maybe it's a full blown issue. Right. And also this is, you say you don't think you could talk to him, but I would, I would really recommend that you do. You guys are young. Your relationship is fairly new. I think this is a great chance to set the foundation and groundwork of a sexually open and honest relationship. If you come to him and be like, hey, so this has been bothering me for a little bit.

The meme you showed me made me a little self-conscious. You don't necessarily have like my vagina i think my vagina looks like a roast beef sandwich like you don't need to say you know i mean like i don't think you need to say that because i think you might be setting up you know bad imagery for later yeah it can be as simple as just being like hey you kind of upset me the other day when you showed me that joke like i know you didn't mean it in a bad way but like you know you know i'm a virgin and now i'm feeling a little insecure about you seeing me naked yeah and and you're not bad mouthing yourself and you're not bad mouthing him but you're being honest and you're being vulnerable and you're letting him then either like at the very least know that you are insecure because he can take that into account and then two like you'll see how he reacts you know what i mean if he's like oh well better not be like that beef

lol then yeah maybe don't have sex with this guy yeah exactly or but if he does flip around be like hey i'm really sorry that was insensitive me then it's like cool this is more evidence that this guy is actually probably going to be a pretty good sexual partner and romantic partner so i would i would strongly suggest you bite the bullet even if you have to do it over text i know it's a very awkward conversation to have face to face there's no harm in having these conversations especially nowadays over text and and sort of like letting yourself freak out a bit away from the person and like going back and responding when you've gathered yourself um it'll also give him a chance to sort of compose his answers uh don't let this ruin a good relationship um unless like now said

if if he does play the asshole card then take advice from two people who have seen a number of vaginas and let you know that like, there are plenty of people out there. I would say the majority of people out there who are happy to be able to put their face in a vagina, regardless of what it looks like. Yeah. Like there's, again,

the amount of times I've heard of anybody complaining about how a vagina looks is practically nil. And the only times I have heard of it, like, I actually don't think I know of a single guy who has. Yeah, me neither. It's been women bad mouthing themselves and being worried about themselves and like I've been with people who are like, oh, I don't want you to go down on me.

I'm like, why? I'm like, I just I don't like the way my vagina looks. I'm like, are you like I get it, but like this is madness to me because I've seen it. We've had sex like, you know, or we've done whatever or it's like I'm about to go down there and you're saying no. It's like I could see it. It's had sex like, you know, or we've done whatever. Or it's like, I'm about to go down there and you're saying no. It's like, I can see it. It's fine.

Also, when I'm going down, if I can see someone's vagina while I'm going down on them, I'm doing something wild. Yeah. My tongue is real long. Yeah. Something's not working out right down there. You don't spend very much time beholding it. You know what I mean?

You're not like, hey, sit down there. Let me just let me sit very far away. And like like question one make unbroken eye contact with your vagina there is a one of the monologues from the vagina monologues that is about i think his name is bob who just wanted to like just get an eyeful just take a gander and how how empowering that was for her. That's cool, but I'm just saying, in reality, your glances are brief, and they're sparing, and you're too horny to really focus on much. You're just like,

yes, this is amazing. And I will tell you right now, I haven't seen your vagina, but it's fine. It's fine. Your vagina is fine. You've got fine-gina. A-va-fina. Stop this. here's my last of the oblivious people on reddit well the last one that i'm going to bring today this comes from reddit user narrow opportunity eight what does it mean when a guy likes two of your pictures in a row

oh no talking about a guy whom i like who i used to have a thing for when he was visiting my country two years ago or two and a half years ago in the USA. Now I'm moving to Europe in a few months where he lives. I'm interested in pursuing something with him. We talked two months ago after no contact for one and a half years. And I told him I'm moving to Spain. And he goes, ha ha. That's so cool. Good luck.

I miss you, too. In brackets. I said, I miss you. I wish we're going gonna meet again soon at some point now we haven't been talking but he's invited me to like his business page and he's like two of my profile picture updates in a row but before he never liked any of my stuff does it mean he would be interested in meeting up when i go there didn't he specifically say that he sure sure did now I was like this all sounds very positive and clear and like what I I will quote the quote that she quoted I wish we're gonna meet again at some point yeah that sounds pretty

fucking cut and dry man the the fuck buds detectives have done it again we've solved another one Miller we done did it. Oh, yeah, no. Like, also, look, if they were, if you guys weren't in contact and he liked two old photos in a row, that means he's creeping you. You are in contact and they're two updated photos, which means absolutely nothing. Yeah, like, you've re-entered his realm of consciousness. Honestly, you guys probably hadn't talked in so long and hadn't interacted in so long. Facebook probably wasn't showing him your profile updates. You know what I mean?

Like there are a bunch of people on my profile that I never hear from. And it's not that they're not posting. It's just, I don't talk to them ever. So Facebook's like, you don't care about them. That's how algorithms work. You guys have recently interacted with each other.

He invited you to like, or invite or like his business page also if someone invited you to like their business page means absolutely nothing yeah because if that was the case the 700 people i sent our podcast to probably think i'm flirting with them exactly i literally invited pretty much everyone except for some professional contacts yeah i didn't invite my mom that was about it i invited your mom oh please i hope not no i didn't invite my mom that was about it i invited your mom oh i please i hope not no i didn't the amount of times i see posts about like he's looking at my instagram story what does it mean it's like nine times out of ten people i watch everyone's instagram stories

because i want to clear them off the top of my thing yeah so if i looked at the people who are looking at my instagram story i assume 90 of the people who are looking at my Instagram story, I assume 90% of them didn't actually look at my Instagram story. Yeah. Like I assume they swipe through it the second I loaded it because they don't care. It's rare that I am watching someone's thing on purpose. Usually I'll just like rapid fire through them because I'm bored or taking

a shit or something. It's like, I'll pause for my friends and I'll pause for like pets usually you know what i mean like unless something really captures my interest i'm sorry you got scanned past real quick yeah exactly and the same thing with like profile photos but i like pretty much everyone's new profile photos unless it's like cringy as hell or i don't really know them but like if i've been in contact with you in the past like a year and a half yeah i'm probably gonna like if you post a nice picture i'm gonna like

it why not that's a nice ego boost yeah it's like i like to support people i'll probably throw something if i like you just throw you a little like on most things people post yeah it cost me literally no effort or energy to click a button like in a split second it doesn't mean anything stop freaking out about this everyone just stop freaking out about whether people are liking photos and shit i do love that like this is the easiest question we've ever gotten yeah because she answers it herself yep all right you ready for some uh tinders um i do want to say i just opened tinder because I don't have any, and I was hoping to like maybe scout some out.

Uh, Tinder has a stop Asian hate thing being like, Hey, don't be fucking assholes. Good. Which I appreciate. Yeah. I guess we never talked about that actually at the start of this.

Everyone knows what happened at this point and it's fucked. And the rise in hate crimes in America and Canada, let alone, I'm sure a lot of other places is, is disgusting and terrible. And I don't imagine any of our listeners will be part of it. I fucking hope not, but I definitely think everybody can take a minute and,

you know, think about the stereotypes they perpetuate and the things that they do on a daily basis and how they can better support people because it's fucked and, and shit like that happening in America is a symptom of the other surrounding kind of white supremacy bullshit that's, you know, it feels like it's gotten, it's risen lately, but like it's never been not there. So we all need to work to to make things better yeah 100 um daniel day kim did a very very good uh presentation or speech um today i believe it was so uh it shouldn't be too hard to find um it's it's quite moving and he he does it it was it was it was very very good to watch and i think a lot of people should see it because i think it very clearly lays out um some of the fundamental issues that aren't new and i think that's like i think

that's the thing that a lot of people need to know it's like this this hasn't just started no this is something that's been happening for a very long time that were that's been ignored simply because as daniel day cam puts it um when you look at the statistics of it, many people who fall into the Asian category statistically are deemed, I believe he put it, statistically insignificant. demographics and audience demographics and stuff like that, where a lot of these big businesses, a lot of big government, a lot of politicians don't bother addressing these issues. And news doesn't talk about these issues, simply because the, you know, the ratings or whatever, aren't enough to warrant even discussing it. And I think that is how we've gotten to such a dangerous place we are today is that for so long, we've ignored something that's been a problem for a very, very, very long time. And I'm not talking

about like decades, I'm talking about like, the origins of like Canada, a lot of people don't realize that we had concentration camps for Asian and Japanese and Chinese, pretty much anyone from Asia during the inception of our country. We treated Asian Canadians terribly. And that hasn't gone away. That hasn't gotten better. Yeah, it's fucked. I didn't know that. Yeah, I know a lot about Canadian history

because I'm not from here. But what I do know is pretty fucked. Yeah, it's something that I'm glad is now being talked about. And it's something that I'm also educating myself on as I feel like a lot of white people have, have been doing hopefully especially with like the black lives matter movement and everything that's happened over the course of the past couple of years.

There's a lot that we need to learn and there's a lot that we need to also add our voices to. And this is us now adding our voices to to the cause of of of, you know, telling you to stop Asian hate and that racism is racism regardless of who it's directed to. But that there are people being targeted more more so than others. And like I said, Daniel Day-Kibb says it's so much better than I do. So please seek out the video. I will try to find a way to post it on social media so that you can go and watch it on our Instagram. Before we wrap up our show, we like to peruse Tinder and find some profiles that we think either work or don't work. And we

discuss the red flags or its strengths in order to make your online dating experience a little bit better. This is Dracaina. Dracaina? Dracaina. Keeping my options open and my legs closed till I find the one who makes me change my mind, wink. Being hookup culture and all, I figured I might as well warn you so we don't waste each other's time. If S3X is all you want, swipe left. I'm from Paris. I come with an accent and an attitude. Oh, and I'm 5'9 since everyone asks. No, I'm not sending

any pics. And no, I don't want to see your eggplant emoji pics. Not 37. No kids. Financially stable. No roommates. No drama. No time for BS. And her age listed is 38. Very mysterious. Not 37.

Might be 38. Did she ever give her actual age not at all nice so i think the thing that i hate most is if you're i don't know what age obviously i know she's not 37 she could be 38 uh by the by the picture 30s seems reasonable if you can't spell the word sex if you have to do S3X I'm gonna assume you're not mature enough to have sex with yeah right like what's that about

or you have such a weird fucking relationship with sex that I don't want to be a part of no so that's like a one for me this is Blake I just found her and i like her profile she says looking for someone to touch my butt tell me i'm pretty not looking for hookups is it bad that i feel like we've had that before maybe i had one the other day where it was like have a great butt and good attitude or something like that um i do find like the touch

my butt and tell me i'm pretty is like a very flirty physical vibe to then go immediately into no hookups it's almost jarring yeah i mean we've already talked about no hookups i think it's a stupid thing to put on your profile because you've handcuffed yourself into a position of like maybe you want to fuck a dude once and really you know maybe you're like i really want to fuck this guy but i also really don't want to see him again like a one night stand is fine yeah it seems weird to me to to put that in there because like if you don't put it in there it doesn't mean you have to sleep with somebody yeah it's still your choice so just fucking make your choice and i don't know i it always seemed like a strange thing i guess it's probably in there to deter people who are only looking for hookups. That's the only thing I can think of. Yeah. I give it a five.

Six. I'll give it a six. Yeah. I read for Shayra. I need something modern. So it's created conceivable. I require a man to meet. Not fair meet, but can spend time with my thing.

I do rub, and I require someone who will let me put oil all over his body. In case you need my touch, see me on my moment picture I put there. My Insta at that point. Let touch see me on my moment picture i put there my insta at that point let's have fun on my table okay the the phrase i do rub seems like a strange thing to say but i also feel like perhaps english not their first language maybe maybe i don't know because so to create a conceivable i require a man to meet not fair meet but can spend time with my thing doesn't make any sense to me yeah so i'm hoping that this is a translation issue uh i don't have much like other than i probably wouldn't swipe right because i or because i feel

like i wouldn't understand what the hell they're saying to me most of the time like being up front being like i i get on my fucking massage table let Let's get fucking slippery. It has big bot energy to me. That's also true. You know what I mean? Like it feels like all the like, Hey, I need someone who I can put oil all over his body and come have fun on my table.

Go check my Insta for that totally real picture. You know, it all seems super fake, which makes me think the rest of it is just procedurally generated, which is why it's garbled. You know, that was my guess and i give i'm still giving you the five because it's a whole trip to read well i just unlocked a secret admirer let's see if they have a good i'm gonna pick this one let's

see if you've got a good profile this is rob opened dates and friends if you swipe right chat or don't bother or don't bother you don't need that i'm giving them a six up until the don't bother he was like an eight yeah oh here we go scott obnoxious and outdated hell yeah i feel like i should like it less than i do yeah the thing like i'm always torn on those kind of profiles because i'm like are you being facetious are you being self-deprecating? Or is this an actual warning? Is this like, not a cry for help, but like a cry of warning? Yeah. And the thing is, it's like, I feel like if it was a girl's profile and she was like crazy,

I would hate it. But obnoxious is like such a weird word to use. It's not got this whole kind of like baggage that I kind of think it's funny. I find that it would be difficult for an obnoxious person to know that they're obnoxious to be that self-aware yeah you know i'm giving it a six because it it made me smile but it really doesn't do him any favors and literally leaves you with no idea who this person is yeah all right yeah i'm also gonna give it a i'm gonna give it a yeah i'm gonna give it a six i agree with that this is surah i am from china and i like to listen to people telling stories it's best to tell them what they

are interested in otherwise i will be bored but out of politeness i will listen but it makes me sad this is how i feel about anyone telling me about dreams i love telling you about dreams i've been actually saving all my dreams for when we can finally meet up again i'm just gonna tell you them all well this is how i feel i'll listen out of politeness but i will be sad it makes me sad i i love this it's adorable yeah it is very very cute and their picture is exactly probably what you're imagining this person is adorable they get a nine out of ten I love it. And I feel like I'll just hit you. Do you want one more? Two more? Yeah.

No, give me one more. We got some funny ones, but I'm just going to go with this one because it's... It'll make you think. This is Ami. Like drinking water, as cold, as hot, only no. I feel like someone just put a screwdriver in my ear. And that like my brains are just slowly leaking out of it. Well, you don't get it?

No. That's all I need to know about you. Swipe left. It's going to be a 10 for me. Yeah, man. Like someone's got to get it. I want to,

I want to be a better man. Having heard that. Cause I feel like if I was a better man, I'd know what you meant. Yeah. Because you need to literally evolve to comprehend what just happened. Yeah. As hot only.

No. So do we know are we not hot if we don't know maybe not damn thank you very much for listening friends thanks for joining us it uh i was actually in a really bad mood when we started this because of the whole work situation but now i'm feeling better i'm in a much better mood so thanks for thanks for being there for me today guys yeah it's been a weird week and that was compounded by a weird day and what I'm assuming is going to be a weird week again. But what's fucking new

these days? But seriously, guys, thank you for being awesome and thank you for supporting us. I don't know if we said it, but thank you to everyone who used our code for Manscaped during our first run of stuff. It proved to them that we were worth this extended partnership and I really appreciate that who like used our code for manscaped, uh, during our first run of stuff, you know, it, uh, proved to them that we were worth this extended partnership.

And, uh, I really appreciate that you guys, you know, did that for us. So thank you. Um, uh,

we really appreciate it. And yeah, just, you know, if you could tell a friend, engage us on Twitter or something, you know, we're always here and we love you guys.

Um, now that we are getting back to a little bit of normalcy, despite the fact that things are still buck wild, but people are getting vaccinated, consider giving your friends. Be like, hey, if you need something for your morning commute, send them our way. We would love to have them.

And if they're friends of yours, they're friends of ours. It's true. It's true. And I don't think we've ever not answered the question we got as well nope unless it was one someone asked me if a bath was considered soup once and i didn't bring that and i'm sorry huh i think someone also asked us once if it was possible for you to fuck a giant's veins or something very strange like that and i also bring that to the.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I just realized them right now and I should have brought them. And now technically I have brought them to the table and maybe we'll have some next week. Yeah, leave it on a cliffhanger. Pretty cool.

How can people get in touch with us, Dave? If you'd like to reach out and send us a question that isn't how to fuck a giant's veins, you can email us at fbuddiespodcast at gmail.com. You can find us on Facebook at fckbuddiespodcast. You can email us at fbuddiespodcast at gmail.com. You can find us on Facebook at fckbuddiespodcast. You can find us

on Instagram at fckbuddiespodcast. You can hit us up on Twitter at fck underscore buddies. And you can find us online at fbuddiespodcast.com or plentyofbeef.ca. Hell yeah. And thank you to Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities for their song,

Paper Stars. Now, Dane, for bad sex writing this week, I got a little twofer for you. Okay. So the first is a text chain that someone received from a prospective lover. Anyway, you also seem like an easygoing person, which I really adore. So much for the self-depreciating humor already. Ha ha. Am I being intimidating? I tend to write high-level English already. Haha. Am I being intimidating? I tend to write high level English already up front,

but don't worry. You can rest assured that I don't intense to overwhelm. In fact, I trying to impress you. You also have a wide pelvis bone, which makes you look fertile and procreation ready. This more feminine and attractive. Say like a woman that deserves to grow my seeds.

The real question now, will you nurse my seeds and grow them question mark hell yeah right in from being like i can speak very well also do you want my kids uh he's he's a much more eloquent man will you nurse my seeds and grow them yeah gross gross gross gross no one ever in the history of, even when they used to refer to semen as seed, no one liked it. Even the people saying were like, oh, that's gross. Why'd I say that? Sorry. Do you want my seed? Sorry. Oh, God.

Why'd I say that? I'm really sorry. Oh, my God, Becky. I met Mark last night. I cannot wait to nurse his seed. It's the worst. And then we have, although my new favorite way to be like damn girl you're thick as hell is you have a wide pelvic bone you have a wide pelvic bone and you look all like you deserve to nurse my seed uh and this one is a question from am i the asshole okay but

it's also about sex writing okay am i thehole for telling my friend that laziness is what makes her unattractive? My roommate, 20-year-old female, who's also my friend, has never been confident about her looks. She complains it. She never likes selfies nor taking pictures with herself in it. She is mildly overweight, but her meats are well distributed, giving her good curves. She has freckles and acnes and not very obvious unless you look closely she has full lips but they are a little unhealthy because she has poor blood circulation she has amber eyes eyes but her eyelids are thick and making her eyes look small

christ imagine your roommate wrote that about you although like no one's ever told me my meats are well distributed and i think i would like to hear that. Yeah, I would take that. Like, I would take all the bad of that. I would have someone tell me that my eyelids are thick if they also told me my meats were well distributed. What a wild list of things to say about a person. No wonder she's not confident about her looks, dude! This is, like, straight serial killer talk oh my god yeah also this is the way this is the way that serial killers like look at people

you know like in cartoons where like you're stuck on a desert island and you look over and there's like your friend is a like a chicken wing this is how crazy people like serial killers see other people being like look at the meat and how well it's distributed look at those thick eyelids look at those unhealthy full lips because of her poor blood what does that mean yeah she has amber eyes but her eyelids are thick how could you tell someone's eyelids are thick i don't i have a really weird thing about eyes and i don't want to talk about this anymore. You know when she was asleep, he reached a finger under

her eyelid and pinched it. I was like, yeah, it's fat. You done? That's a fat eyelid. He smooshed her eyelid between his fingers as his thumbnail ground against her eye. Oh my god, I can hear you even though I'm not wearing my headphones.

I'm sorry, I'm done. My name's Dave Miller. And I'm Niles Payne. We've been your fuck buddies. Your meats are so unwell distributed. Oh! Music Music Music Music Music