F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 132 - Jizzua Tree

Episode Date: April 12, 2021

Sometimes you don't want to talk about U2, sometimes you need to.  Topics include top secret Dad folder, slobbering sex situation, making the perfect Together Breakfast, scientific semen tree sniffing, and defining a f*ck boy. This week we are proud to be sponsored by MANSCAPED.  Go to http://manscaped.com/ and get 20% off + free shipping with the code: BUDDIES20.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I am Niall Spain. And we're your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations.

Simply put, we answer questions on the topic of sex and dating, either that we find just lurking around the internet or sent in by our lovely, wonderful listeners, such as yourself. Do you have any exciting stories? Anything wild happen for you? Well, you know what? Let's go back into the realm of AI because they're much better at our job than we are. So are you ready for this? Sure. Not only do we have AI turning into sex dolls, we also have AI scrounging up and creating the best of the best pickup lines. So I'm going to hit you with a few and you tell me what you think.

Fantastic. I love you. I don't care if you're a doggo in a trench coat cool you have a lovely face can i put it on an air freshener i want to keep your smell close to me always nice wait this beanie hat is it fashionable oh that's it okay you look like jesus if he were a butler in a russian mansion damn that's powerful that feels more like a burn than anything i don't know i imagine like just a buff jesus yeah i guess so that's the first that's one ai called da vinci all right then we got curie your eyes are like two rainbows and a rainbow of eyes i can't help but stare rainbow of eyes is a terrifying fucking... It is pretty fucking haunting.

Hi, my name is John Smith. Will you sit on my bread box while I cook? Or is there some kind of speed limit on that thing? Damn, yeah. You need to slow the fuck down, dude. Not on the first date. A third AI, Babbage, says, You're looking good today.

Want snacks? I mean, that's it. That's... right? I don't think there's a single person alive who would be upset and or not immediately horny by that statement yeah that's pretty powerful especially for this day and age they also say is it is urgent that you become a professional athlete i mean they know what's up right yeah and then i love you i love you i love you to the confines of death and disease the legions of earth rejoices woe be to the world damn so that one is obviously also perfect yeah

he kind of went down a like a slippery slope of perfection to rambling nonsense one of them ada is just legitimate nonsense for example body softening pads is one of their top pickup lines. Can I see your parts list? Ooh, that's pretty good. Yeah. I can tell by your red power light that you're into me. Damn. So she seems to be specifically targeting robots.

Yeah. Hey, baby, are your schematics compatible with this protocol? Yeah, okay. So this is an AI that seems to want to fuck other AIs, which I respect. Cool. Yeah. It's a horny robot,

and we've just trained it to be horny to other robots. That's amazing. And I think, just to end the last one, this is one of the first that came out in 2017. You look like a thing, and I love you. Nice. So I think we can all implement those incredible pickup lines in our everyday routines from now on,

especially when we are unleashed upon the world if we finally get vaccinated. I'm literally not lying. If someone literally said, hey, you look great today. Do you want some snacks? Oh my God. I'd be 100% down because thank you.

And also, yes, I'm so hungry for snacks. It depends on what the snacks are. If someone busts out like cucumber sandwiches no fuck that i'm gone but if it's just almost pretty much anything else yeah like if it's candy i would love some candy right now it's like a charcuterie board fuck yeah how do you want to start off you want to start spicy do you want to start easy let's start spicy start spicy all right and i say that because because we're talking about food all i want right now is buffalo cauliflower oh yeah fuck man uh this is by deleted user oh my boyfriend

21 year old male has hundreds of pictures of my dad on his laptop i 21 year old female confronted him about it and he said it's for research. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. We live together and he has a couple of laptops. One of them is personal which I occasionally use. A few days ago I opened his laptop which wasn't shut down and it opened onto a photo album. My dad was the thumbnail so I clicked on it. He had hundreds of photos of my dad. For the record my dad has a lot of pics available online due to his profession. Can't elaborate further. I asked my boyfriend about it. He simply said it's for research. I asked him what he's researching exactly, and he said he can't tell me because it's confidential. I told him it's very bizarre and worrying that he has a ton of my dad's pics on his personal

laptop. He just gave me a weird smirk and said, whatever you think it is, it's the opposite. I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone or something. His complete nonchalance, the way he's not even bothered how it comes across. We talked about it again. He said he understands how I feel, but shouldn't be worried. I'm confused. This isn't normal, right? The piece to the puzzle that makes this weird or not.

I mean, it's always going to be a little weird, but like what the dad does as a profession. Yeah. I's a famous actor or a model yeah i assume he's like a famous person which is why she can't say it and like you know plenty of pictures of actors or athletes or something in that in that realm why he has all the pictures now that's that's pandora's box in my opinion that could be anything and then the second we agree on something it's the opposite of that yeah exactly so what if he's wondering how she's going to age by examining how her dad ages maybe maybe he's trying maybe he's a hitman and whatever she thinks probably isn't him killing the dead so it's always gonna be the opposite because he's gonna kill the dead no untrue maybe he's protecting the dead oh and yeah

i guess your mind would go to the darkest corners of the world so he's not a murderer or serial killer and isn't gonna eat his face he's gonna stop his face from being eaten exactly maybe this is like a hitman's bodyguard sort of situation is it a prank it could be a prank literally it could be anything it really could be actually anything it could have been like he could have just set this trap up for you specifically so that you could find it and then then when you do find it, act and literally say the craziest possible answers to these things. Because like, if my girlfriend went through my computer and found a ton of pictures of her dad, and regardless of the reasons why I have it,

I would be very uneasy about that discovery because no one should have, you know, multiple megabytes, potentially gigabytes, of pictures of their partner's parents to be fair if i was on like your laptop and i found like you know 40 pictures of scarlett johansson i think that was fucking weird that's also true i mean unless you're a photographer she's an attractive famous person so a lot less personal and bizarre who presumably you'll never come in contact with but it would still be really weird to me because it's like why do you need to save 40 pictures of scarlett johansson like why why does it need like

why is it that important to you that would be very strange to me and that would be a lot less strange than this especially when like the internet exists so you could really literally just type in and like you could be specific you could refine your search like scarlett johansson like red hair because you know what i mean you could you could tailor your whatever you wanted to see of scarlett johansson to your fancies at the moment if you really wanted to i like unless you are a photographer and your dad the dad hired you to take a bunch of pictures of him, there are little details I need to know. One, I need to know the boyfriend's job. What does he do?

Yeah, that's another thing. It's like if the boyfriend's a wannabe actor and the dad's an actor, maybe it's something weird like that. Maybe he's trying to copy his mannerisms or some shit. I don't know if your boyfriend is a plastic surgeon maybe he's trying oh my god it's to make a corpse sex doll or maybe he's going to swap places with your dad maybe this is a face-off situation yeah that that could be it he's probably tom cruising him he's probably mission impossible replica facing him in some way there's no way you need hundreds of pictures of anything oh shit is he deep faking maybe maybe like your dad's a left

wing or right wing politician and what he's done is infiltrated so you can get all these pictures you can make the most accurate deep fakes and start spreading because like that's coronavirus misinformation that is specifically how deep fake works you like the ai program that that you use scans like various footage and like very and like pictures and stuff of different angles so like i would also so another thing i need to know is like are they pictures of the same variety like is it does it look like it's like a series of pictures all from the same time? Or is it pictures of like your dad throughout his life or like of different things? Like, there are so many details here that would help me maybe narrow down what's happening. But to just say, here's my boyfriend. He says it's for research.

He has a ton of pictures of my dad. My dad is there's a reason there's lots of pictures of my dad on the internet it's very vague it could be anything so here's i'm gonna give so if you want to keep trying to figure out what this is i'm gonna i'm gonna give answers so if you want to go and continue to no i'm gonna you hit me with some answers okay what I think you need to do is set up another folder on that same computer. Fill that folder with pictures of your boyfriend. But you have to take pictures of him when he's like around the house, when you don't think he's paying attention, like when he's making breakfast in the morning or, you know, when he's asleep. And just fill this fucking folder with pictures. Make sure it's a thumbnail and maybe password protect the fucking that folder.

But still call the folder pictures of boyfriend. Yes. Oh, yeah. Like, make sure the thumbnail is clearly him. Make sure it is, you know. And then if he's like, hey, what the fuck? Just be like, it's research. Confidential.

Whatever you think. Guess what? It's the opposite. Or it's exactly what you think. Yeah. You gotta flip that one around on him. Whatever you think that is, you're correct. You've gotten it. You know. I'm assuming, judging by its research

and its confidential and like it seems like he's being playful. I think this is a mischievous boy and he's playing fun tricks with you either way i think you just gotta talk to him be like you know don't let him just be nonchalant and walk away you gotta just be like hey i don't care if you don't feel if you don't understand why i'm worried but like i am and if you don't care about that then that is actually a serious relationship issue and he might

try to be like oh really you're gonna get're going to get upset over this. But like, realistically, if you're asking someone a harmless question and they're just like fucking with you, that's not nice for a relationship. Like maybe if it's like, you know, for five minutes and then they back down, you know, if they're playing a little joke on you. But if it's going on for days and weeks and you're bothered and they're ignoring that and like taking delight in the fact that you're upset, that that's not nice. So I think, you know, there's no harm in getting a little serious and be like, look, okay, you had your fun. I assume this is a joke, but like realistically, this is kind of weird. And I'd like you to explain it. I would also, if you really want to do here, here's what I would

do if I was the girlfriend and you want to get to the bottom of this and he's being difficult with you. Look at when the pictures were created and see if they were all saved in one go or if they were collected over a period of time i don't know which is better i think if like i think you would be easier to assume it's a like a joke if he saved them all in the same day yeah but if it if it was like if he's been collecting these pictures over the course of like two years or however long you've been together, I would be a little more unsettled. I don't think that would be a joke anymore. Now,

what if he's just like making a nice collage for her dad for her birthday? See, that's another thing. I think that like, there's a good chance that maybe the dad's in on this and that they're, and that he's like working on something for his daughter or like they're working together to, to do something.

What it could be. I still don't know, but I, yes, in reality, definitely do what Niall says in my personal dreams, please start a strange pitcher battle with him. Yeah.

Fight folder with folder. Yeah. How can I stop myself from drooling when my boyfriend fucks me this comes from reddit user daddy's chum dumpster this is humiliating but sometimes i drool he was fucking me while i was on top and i was kind of like against his chest i drooled on his chest it's so embarrassing and i want to know what's or how to stop well one is this a problem i doubt he's like oh she's so into this she drooled i would say it depends on the drool if we're talking like ropes of great dane style drool then don't get arrogant and call yourself great like that i'll do what i want um then i would say yeah that would be

upsetting if you're frothing at the mouth for sure if a little bit of spit you're talking like horse drool yeah you know like i'm talking like that that white rope of fucking drool that that's just a question of how dehydrated she is but if it's just like a little bit of spit that comes out when he's literally railing you fuck it no one cares i'm sure he doesn't yeah i feel like you know sex is or should i think be one of those times where like getting a little messy is fine you know what i mean like, you know, sex is, or should, I think, be one of those times where, like, getting a little messy is fine. You know what I mean? Like, if you're given a blowjob and you're dripping saliva somewhere, or, like, you're going down on someone and, like, you know, you're getting a little saliva on the bed.

Like, no one cares about a bit of spit. So, maybe if you're finding it so hard not to do it, bring it up to your partner and see if they mind. And if they don't mind, then maybe you don't have to fix it because it seems like a very easy fix to me because I don't drool when I'm having sex. That seems like the easiest way to do it. That's not really. Well, what I'm saying is if it's that hard for you to stop, maybe examine why you want to stop. And if you want to stop because you're worried your partner doesn't like it, maybe just double check with them and if they like it, you're good. However, maybe dehydrate

yourself more so there's no flu in your mouth. Maybe just shove some cotton balls in there and then pretend to be Marlon Brando. Cotton balls are tight. I'm getting, you know, do you have any sensation? I feel them in my gums. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then my brain then cycles through all the other sensations that i would hate to experience like wet towels under fingernails what uh i don't know man it fucking grosses me out what about like your roommate squeezing your thick eyelids oh come on i actually like i actually hate i stuff um i'm sorry dame i don't even remember the question it drew yeah like definitely like after this happens roll over and be like oh no i think i drooled on you and chances are i would wager i would put money down on the table and guess that he would say i'm gonna fuck yeah or that's hot yeah like i i would say that like if you're spinning a wheel as to what his reactions are there is a very small sliver of it that says he's not into it. Yeah, because I would say he either doesn't give a shit or probably likes it.

Yeah, or like it's a bomb to his self-esteem because he's like, oh, wow, like this was such good sex that you couldn't control one of the most basic parts of, you know, keeping it together. Hell yeah. Yeah. I remember, um, there was a woman I used to sleep with who would give very enthusiastic blowjobs, but she would like choke on.

And like, I would always assure her and be like, Hey, you don't need to do that. And she's like, no, it's fine. I'm not like nothing's happening here. Like I'm in danger or anything i actually really like it i was like

okay cool but she she would like apologize as well and be like sorry i'm like no it's like if you're doing this and you're fine with it i am also fine with it because it is for whatever reason kind of hot that's the thing it's like if someone starts like drooling uncontrollably because you're fucking them that well. Yeah, it's pretty hot. You're good. But that's not the question. The question is how to stop. Yeah.

And honestly, I don't know. Yeah. I'm not sure how to tell you because like the real answer would be close your mouth. Yeah. Right. But also that would I would say that if I had to choose between a woman who drooled or a woman who kept her lips completely shut the entire time during sex, I would take the drool like every day. Yeah, I'm assuming the drool is happening because you're not paying attention to keeping your mouth shut and doing all these things. You're kind of like in the moment and you're not focusing on the minute of your body, which is probably great. If you start trying to focus really hard on not

drooling, I worry that it's going to take you out of the experience and you're not going to have as much fun. A hundred percent. Yeah. Which is why I first suggested to just double check that it's an issue because if the only reason you're doing it is because you're worried they care, then make sure they care first. Yeah. No, I mean, that's the issue because if the only reason you're doing it is because you're worried they care then make sure they care first yeah no i mean that's that's the answer talk to your partner and and see if he cares because as we've both mentioned he probably doesn't so this is a non-issue you don't need to stop doing it if he doesn't care about it and or potentially likes it unless you very much care about it for other reasons which which is totally possible. Yeah. In which case, maybe it's like,

you know, if you're on your back, it's going to be a lot of drool buildup to have to come out of your mouth that way. So maybe that's the issue. Maybe you can just lie on your back and it won't spell out that way. Yeah. I don't know.

But I mean, like the nice thing about talking to your partner is that if he's into this or doesn't care, he can then reassure your insecurities and perhaps take this off the table completely you know i mean it's a two-way street hopefully if you guys are good communicators and have a strong sexual relationship if you're like hey does this bother you and he's like no and you're like okay cool i'm a little self-conscious about it he he will hopefully, you know, in turn be like, hey, don't worry about it. You know, it's not a big deal. And hopefully you guys can crush your insecurity and your worry at the same time.

Yeah. Like, again, I find it hard to imagine it isn't coming from a place of, like, embarrassment or something like that. If it is, unfortunately, I think the answer is just you need to pay more attention to what you're doing with your mouth you know um and if it isn't then 100% talk to your partner and i imagine it won't be an issue this is by burner account 123 98 i'm thinking about making her breakfast from her favorite tv show but now i don't know if it's stupid to do it all right so she's 24 year old-year-old female, and I'm a 22-year-old male.

We've been dating for, I don't know, three weeks now? We were talking for about two months before that. On Valentine's Day, she made me a super cute card, and I'm not going to go into detail, but she drew me some cute shit in reference to a game we played together, and it means a lot to me. I plan on spending the night tomorrow, and I want to make her a special breakfast. It's from her favorite TV show, Steven Universe. It's called a Together Breakfast. It's waffles with syrup, whipped cream,

strawberry on top and popcorn. Really gross. Anyways, she doesn't know I've been watching it and I kind of want to surprise her. I doubt it will be tasty, but do you think it's something she would like? The act, not the food, lol. She doesn't normally eat breakfast, by the way. We wake up about 3am for work, so we aren't really hungry, but she told me she sort of likes waffles. I'm not a cook. I'm terrible at cooking shit like waffles and pancakes. I prefer doing pasta and meats, so I was thinking I'd have a roommate go and get us some food while I make that. Or should I try and do some homemade breakfast for the together breakfast?

Or, sorry, should I try do some homemade breakfast after the together breakfast? Any suggestions? I mean, the only thing that sounds gross is that there's fucking popcorn on the waffles. Like, everything else belongs on waffles, in my opinion. Syrup and whipped cream. I also could imagine popcorn working really well. Yeah, sweet and salty. And like sweet stuff.

Like, and it could be cool. Firstly, I want to say Steven Universe is fucking sick. So you got to keep her here. And I think this is a super sweet idea. There's nothing wrong with this. One, i would maybe wait until you don't have to wake up at 3 a.m for work like yeah if you have a day off do that because one i'm not a big fan of like big meals in the morning anyway but like eating something

like that at three in the morning before you go to work that doesn't sound super enjoyable this sounds like something you'd want to do on a day off you know what i mean yeah that literally makes me feel ill um so i i 100 agree like unless you guys are in that rhythm for so long that you know 3 a.m is your guy's normal morning and it doesn't bother you but to me that sounds terrible i would also maybe suggest like it is an interesting mix of toppings and like it is a cartoon that's not meant to be very serious so maybe make them and like separate all the toppings have a like make your own together breakfast so that like if you just want waffles waffles with syrup you don't have to pick off the popcorn kind of deal because it's still the same thought but it's actually like a little bit more edible yeah i

mean there's no problem like you know having the whipped cream can there and then after you make the waffles and like don't you don't have to make waffles from scratch there's no problem, like, you know, having the whipped cream can there. And then after you make the waffles and like, don't you don't have to make waffles from scratch. There's no problem. Yeah. Fucking getting frozen waffles like it's making unless you have a waffle press like a waffle maker. Like one, if you're going to practice because you're going to fuck it up the first time, those things are hard to make. Even pancakes are difficult to make if you're not used to making them. So like one, you can find some fairly decent like pre-made waffles like they like a lot of places sell like belgian waffles in the pastry section get one of those

like maybe don't get you know eggos or anything like that but even if that's all you can get it's fine like in this situation it's definitely more the thought that counts yeah you know and it's like they're not looking for gourmet waffles and also with the amount of shit you're going to be putting on them presumably the waffles are going to be just like the vessel to get the toppings to your mouth so but yeah 100 i wouldn't worry about making them from scratch you can definitely do it you know an easier way one thing i will recommend is there is a youtube channel called binging with babish he does like he's an incredible chef and the shows are really good but he's definitely made some ingredients from steven universe and i think he's done this one as well so maybe watch that

maybe watch that video and see if there's any hints on there you know he might be like hey the popcorn is great or no the popcorn sucks you know because i could see like switching out popcorn for like caramel corn or something like that you know what i mean like yeah but i honestly think that like the the difference in textures and the sweet and the salty i think it would i think it would work and i actually kind of want to try it but to sort of like take a couple steps back i think what you said about keeping the the ingredients separate are great also it's like i think you really hammer home the fact that like you've been paying attention in the sense of like you know here are waffles here's whipped cream oh and by the way and then like pull out a bag of popcorn and be like you know in case you want to

make a together breakfast there you go and that way you haven't ruined anyone's breakfast like you said by putting popcorn on it and you can like actually make a moment of it i would say also because they like kind of went out of their way and made this like nice card for you, which means obviously she's pretty arty. And I think it could be fun to do something similar back. Maybe make little like tiny like strips of card to label each part of the of the like the meal, you like popcorn whatever and draw little steven universes on them and then maybe have like a fake like menu that deals with together breakfast and i say this only for two reasons one it'll be cute and two together breakfast is a pretty early on thing in the entire show which probably you just got to but like if she watched the whole thing and it's years later, she might not remember. That's a good point.

So it'll be cute, but it'll also hammer home what you're really doing. You could also like hop on Fiverr and maybe see if someone could like commission someone. If you're not an artistic person yourself, see if someone can commission like a, like a Steven universe of you guys together, like in that style,

that could be really cute. Yeah. Unless you are, you know, like in that style, that could be really cute. Yeah. Unless you are, uh, you know, I know the style is fairly simple. Like I know it's not a super complex, so,

you know, if you're not artistically inclined, jumping on Fiverr and given, you know, an independent artist, a little bit of cash, uh, during these trying times could be,

could be a nice way to do it too. Yeah. But either way, I say a hundred percent go for it, you know, do a little thought to when and how but like she's going to appreciate the thought and there's no harm having just eat or uber eats or whatever as a backup just in case it's a disaster i think there's there's something

funny too i remember there was a time i went out i was going out with someone and uh we were making what were we making i think we're trying to make shakshuka or something uh and it turned out terrible but like that was funny you know what i mean like the the experience of like trying to make it together uh and i know you're making something separate but like i think there's something enduring and funny about you know making a grand gesture and it failing as long as you don't get super weird about it yeah like if you're chill and you can like be ready for the fact that it might not work out then you don't like it's all about how you deal with it you know i mean if it doesn't work out that doesn't really matter because again the thought is what counts but like you don't want to then poison the thought by being

shitty about the fact that it didn't work out and like moping and making it all about you and blah blah blah you know what i mean you need to be able to pivot and be like well there's a good breakfast place we can order from or i also brought sausages and toast because ha ha ha you know i think that's very important but yeah do it yeah go for it also you guys are in such an early position that if she's like this is stupid and i hate it you could just be like all right you're shit bye yeah then you've learned a lot. But also Steven Universe is great. It's like the best example of non-toxic masculinity. So good. And if there's another

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And I got to say, if there was a ball sack beauty contest, I might enter. Maybe not. I'm pretty self-conscious about, you know, that kind of stuff. I don't like putting myself on a pedestal. You did refer to yourself as Great Dane earlier, and you talked about your ropes of saliva. It's true, I did. No, but seriously, like a smell contest, I would win for sure, which is something I never thought I'd say about my balls.

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the title 19 male virgin here by the way is it just because of the post-nut guilt that i feel really disgusted by its smell is my semen normal smelling and that's just how it is or is my semen really bad smelling i gag on the smell of my own semen. Is this normal? What was the smell like, dude? Right? I was thinking about it earlier, and I was like, I don't know how I would describe the smell of my semen.

Starchy. I was thinking almost like a cleaner, right? Yeah, starchy. It's a thing. So you know what is actually a fun thing to do? There is a plant that smells like semen. Okay. So go find that plant, sniff it, and you'll see if you're, I don't know, got normal cum.

Yeah. I think like if there is any sort of like rotting smell, if it smells eggy or rotten, then you might, I don't know how you would have it, but you might have like an STD. You're a virgin, so that wouldn't make any sense. But maybe like a yeast infection or a UTI. It could just be your diet. Certain medications, I believe apparently dairy and red meat, which terrifies me because that's my entire diet, are meant to make your semen taste bad, and presumably then also smell bad. But a a quick aside it is called a pyrus like p-y-r-u-s caleriana c-a-l-l-e-r-y-a-n-a it is a tree that smells like semen so go find that tree

give it a good sniff and then compare man imagine like there's probably like an arbor somewhere that's growing these bad boys and imagine imagine just being like, well, my whole property smells like jizz. Have you ever walked down the street and been like, what? It smells like, it smells like cum. Just smells like cum everywhere. Is this native? Like, does this exist in Toronto somewhere where I can go give it a whiff? Probably.

I don't remember the last time I've seen it, but it's happened to me multiple times. That's the only reason I know this because I've walked past a tree and been like, oh, whack-a-cum. I've never been walking down the street and been like, oh, that smells like jizz. There you go. There's some good old information for you. But yeah, so maybe talk to a doctor. After you smell this tree and you compare your semen to this tree, which is something I never thought I'd have to say, you know, if it's not good, maybe look at your diet. Maybe look up, you know, apparently pineapple is a good thing, right?

I think various fruit can help your semen at least taste better. And I assume that translates to smell. But other than that, you know, go see a doctor. Maybe they have some idea. Maybe it's like an imbalance like hormonally or diet wise or some other thing or it could just be you don't like the smell chances are you're a 19 year old your diet and especially in lockdown your diet's probably fucking trash yeah if all you have is like cheetos and mountain dew i get it but it's not gonna go well for you yeah no there's no way. Also, you know what my favorite U2 album is? The Jisua Tree.

Why? Why? It sounded better in my head. It doesn't really. Why were you thinking of U2? We're not talking about U2. But I was trying to think of like Joshua Tree. I know.

Which I know. I'm pretty sure it's also a place, but I didn't know where. So the only way I could like tie in the reason why I brought it up was because I know it's a YouTube album. It was just terrible. If you can find one of those trees, as far as I'm aware, they're not that rare. Give it a sniff. But also, again, it's like that starchy, almost like clean white shirt smell. Yeah, almost like laundry. Bleachyy a little bleachy bleach has a harsh

smell yeah it's almost like someone water like really watered down bleach again i'm pretty sure it's just starch maybe i don't know i don't know i've i got this and i've been trying to think of like what i could describe the smell of semen like but yes it's it's that go find this tree you know what i looked it up and you're you're right they say smell like ammonia bleach or other alkaline substances i assume it is the ph balance of it i assume you know it is it is not acidic yeah so that is why it probably smells on the that that scale of things uh i'm sure there's a whole chemistry situation you get on as to like the smell of semen but also

you could just not like the smell of semen everyone has smells like i hate the smell of cucumbers oh my god fucking 100 if a cucumber has like walked by what i'm eating i can taste it on the food yeah so it's like everyone has smells that upset them. And maybe for you, unfortunately, it's the smell of your jizz. So apparently, if it smells like fish or rotten eggs, it is probably because you are either eating asparagus meats or garlic or drinking too much caffeine or alcohol. So if you want to try to limit those foods to see if the smell returns normal. Aside from that, it could be an STI or underlying condition such as trichomoniasis, which is an infection that causes itching and burning as well as smelly penile discharge, gonorrhea, which presumably you don't have, and prostatitis, which is an inflammation of the prostate gland.

So it's a bacterial infection and that could do it either. So again, if you can take an eye at your diet, maybe try to smell what it's meant to smell like. But if it does smell like rotten fish or eggs something has probably gone wrong and you might go see a doctor and also don't get embarrassed and don't go and investigate it if it's a bacterial infection it's only going to get worse yeah that's the thing it's like doctors have seen worse i have friends who are doctors and like much like the guy earlier whatever you're thinking about it is so much worse

yeah like the things they've had to deal with your your smelly cum is nothing to do with they won't even remember it when they go home today they'll just be like here's a tablet or change your diet or something and it'll be great yeah the difference between like a doctor being like i had a kid with a smelly jizz as opposed to being like i had to tell someone their family member died or is going to die you know i mean it's like you're nothing don't worry about it no one has to pull a full trowel out of someone's anus yeah yeah you're good go get checked out if it doesn't smell right but like if it's a personal thing then you know i guess what i think if it is like a personal aversion

even just knowing that it's normal will make the situation so much better. Okay, so this was asked on a group I'm in on Facebook, and they said we can bring it to the podcast. And this is by Agent Awaken. Hey, gentlemen, I have a question for you. What is your definition of a fuckboy? Is a fuckboy a real thing, or is it just a word upset girls made to label men when the relationship doesn't go the girl's way? If so, what's the difference between a fuckboy and a bachelor? Just curious on your guy's perspective.

Much love. Yeah, they exist. It's the same way that a hipster exists. It's the same way that all those stereotypical people exist or cliques exist. I would definitely say that there are people who could fall under the umbrella term of fuck as far as i remember it was initially coined as like the flip side to like slut shaming so you know girls could be called a slut but guys could be called like a fuck boy and i think it then evolved to become its own thing i think initially it was just meant to be like uh you know fight fire with fire kind of uh term and then it just became its own

like self-encompassing thing i don't i don't know the origins so i will trust you that's again i could be wrong but i'm pretty sure that that is where it uh where it stemmed from as like because there wasn't a word for like a male slut you know it was just you could say male slut but it didn't really you know i think they want to step away from slut because slut shaming was so bad and all this stuff and just kind of like have a way to like strike back. And then it took on its own meaning because it's not just being slutty. It's being like shitty in a lot of specific ways. And I say specific, but I also don't mean that. I mean, in a lot of ways, I think we could all like agree agree on but i do think the actual definition is kind of hard to pin down yeah if i were to describe a fuckboy i would say

it would be someone who like has no chill like zero amounts so it's like every comment that uh you know if you're talking to him on messenger or instagram whatever every chance he gets he tries to steer it towards like sexual innuendo yeah um i would also say that it's like uh people who are happy to mislead you for any pretense if he thinks he's gonna get sex you know i mean he will say anything and everything in order to fuck someone and that's pretty much it like that's where it ends as well you know like there's no there's no relationship they don't really care about you i feel like it's a lot of people who treat you like an object.

You're there for sex. They're there for sex, but you're not a person. You're the ability to have sex. And I think that's... There's a definition on here. It says they lead girls on to believe they are special and they really care about you. Then they turn into horny douchebags that do whatever they get.

Whatever they can to get laid or even just a pick if they're in a relationship or not they're shallow dickheads warning don't fall for a fuck boy because they will screw you over once a fuck boy always a fuck boy say i'm not crazy about that we've talked about it again with like she all wants to cheat or always cheat you know because because i could i could probably say with fair amount of confidence that like me you know however many years ago would probably fall into the fuck boy situation i don't think i was ever like full but like i i could definitely see that some woman would have called me a fuck boy yeah i'm sure like there are some uh situations i've been in where it's like i don't think i was a fuck boy to everybody but i think

in certain situations like if i was just in it for sex, and maybe by the end of it, either if I didn't take their feelings enough into account, or if they hoped it would go somewhere else, they probably are saying I'm a fuck boy, you know? And it probably isn't even that unfair to say, you know what I mean? I think, you know, there isn't a strict definition because it's how people feel about the situation too. I do disagree. Like you say. That once a fuckboy always a fuckboy. But if you know someone's past. I think there's nothing wrong with being. Skeptical or cautious.

There's no reason. Or like there's. There's no harm in being cautious. If you see a pattern emerging from people's relationships. 100%. If you're about to get in a relationship with someone. And you notice that like. there is a very distinct pattern in how they treat their partners,

then it's like there's no reason to assume that you're the exception. Yeah. I would never say to disregard anyone's past in that way or pretend it never happened, but I also would caution against that kind of blanket. Once you're this one thing, you're always that thing because I think it's just a shitty and unrealistic way to be like people go through a lot in their lives.

You know what I mean? But Hey, some people never change and they suck. So, you know, use your best judgment. Um, as to the other part of the question,

what's the difference between a bachelor and a fuck boy? I think bachelor is just a single guy, right? Yeah. It's respect, I guess is the big one. Yeah. Yeah.

I think like a fuck boy is an intrinsically bad thing bachelor is just someone who's single you know you can be a bachelor and also be a fuckboy but just because you're a bachelor doesn't mean you are one exactly but yeah i think it very definitely is a thing like it's it's not just like a term people use when they've been upset in a relationship not to say that that doesn't happen but like i don't think the term would be so common and like like everyone knows what the fuck boy is in some way or another and everyone uses it i don't think that would happen if there weren't enough people around to fill out that category you know what i mean yeah 100 at the end of our episodes we like to peruse online dating platforms to find profiles that we think either

work or don't work and we discuss the red flags and the positives and the negatives in hopes to either entertain you or guide you in a way of elevating your online dating experience maybe both and this is abner i'm a financial trader now retired i like to work out golf drive shoot travel eat now already enjoying life i want my partner to travel the world with me. I am looking for marriage. Don't talk to me about meeting when it's popular, just to be safe. After the pandemic is over, you can meet up any way you want. I hope my partner can be financially independent.

We can buy a house together. Read me again the bit about meeting up? Don't talk to me about meeting when it's popular, just to be safe. After the pandemic is over, you can meet up any way you want want so he's saying he doesn't want to meet up until the pandemic's over i think so okay i think for someone that is probably a very good profile there's probably one person out there or there's a certain type person that sees this and is like wow he wants marriage he had a good job he likes all these pretty standard things and he wants to travel and you know buy a house like he's taking all these responsible vibes i guess i do also want to say that he's

40 years old and he's already retired so so he's doing well money-wise yeah my dude's loaded so for me i think it's a little much to be like i want to buy a house i want to travel the world i want to get married like but hey he's getting it out there he's telling you what he wants i'm sure for someone it's pretty great i find his his yeah fuck it it's it's a solid eight yeah i don't think there's anything wrong there i think he went about like i don't think there's there's not a whole lot of bragging you know what i mean i think that there's could have been as a 40 year old who's retired i think there could have been a lot more of a of a like i went after my dreams why haven't you gone after your dreams i retired when i was 40 i set out that you know

what i mean like that energy i feel like is pretty common with people on tinder when they've achieved a lot less yeah that's the thing it makes me believe that he actually achieved these things yeah and yeah you're right like it kind of shows a lack of ego and it seems like he knows what he wants i personally find the profile slightly boring yes which is the only reason it's getting an eight but at the same time i think it does exactly what this person seems to want you know what i mean i feel like it is perfect for the kind of person who would like that profile so he's getting an eight and it's just because i feel like it's a little boring so fair play all right you want to want to hear Samantha? Yeah.

So they've constructed a house out of like dashes and, you know, lines. And it's pretty big. Takes about like nine, you know, lines down to do it. And it says in the middle of this house in text in this house, we eat ass. The reason they wear helmets in football is to stop Tom Brady from kissing the other players on the lips. Is that also in the house? Nope, that's below the house. Okay, nice. I love it.

Hey, it's pretty fun. I don't know what that says about them as a person other than they want their ass eaten. Yeah, I have no problem with it. I'm going to say it's a seven. Yeah, it's getting a seven from me as well. You ready for this? Yeah. It's getting a seven for me as well. You ready for this? Yeah. Nick, I am 6'1", 195 pounds, fit, clean, intelligent, educated, and attractive. I'm here for one time intimate connections with those of a like mind. I love to please and I always want more. I lust for that passion, that throbbing attraction, and the pleasure that goes with it.

I am not looking for anything beyond right now. And if you're down, consider me on my way over. I i'm always on the move so don't let distance stop you and i truly love women of all shapes and sizes so hit me up you won't regret it one of the things that drives me fucking crazy is when people describe themselves as attractive and it's like i get there's a general you know agreed upon being like that's an attractive person for most part but like when when you're on a platform like tinder people decide whether you're attractive pretty much agreed upon being like, that's an attractive person for the most part. But like when, when you're on a platform like Tinder, people decide whether you're attractive pretty much immediately. So describe yourself as attractive. Now, the thing is you haven't seen his picture and his picture is imagine getting in a very, very, very, very dark room, bringing your phone

so close to your face that the faint light from the screen of your phone vaguely illuminates the hint of a nose in the looming darkness and then take that picture perfect all right so he is very attractive so he had to tell you he's attractive because all you can see is the terrifying hint of a face in oppressive darkness this was on twitter and the person claimed that they found this person and they were a serial killer. And you know what? I'm looking at it. They want one time intimate connections. One time because you're dead.

Always on the move so the police won't catch him. Consider me on my way over. That's terrifying. Yeah, you don't even get a say. It's like, oh, you've matched with me? It's too late. I'm in your house. Yeah, it's legitimately quite scary when you read it.

It's going to get a one from me. Yeah, I don't like it at all. One. Yeah. Okay, well, how about Scheherazade? Probably mispronouncing that name. I'm sorry. It's a cool name, though.

I'm shy, and I may never start a conversation. You two would be obsessed with my cat if you knew her. Don't call me babe. Not even as an attempted joke after reading this. I am big. Did she say you two would be obsessed with my cat if you knew her. Don't call me babe. Not even as an attempted joke after reading this. I am big. Did she say you too would be obsessed with her cat? Yeah, as in like you too, not, you know, Jisua Tree. Not Bono?

Bono couldn't care less about this poor cat? Bono doesn't give a fuck about this cat. What about the Edge? Does he care? We all know the Edge likes cats. Edge likes every living creature the edge is such a great guy is he actually he is yeah he's like the anti bono he's he's the edge of the bono scale 100 he's like the peak nice man there's the there's bono

and then on the very end is the edge. And that's the edge of, yeah. Okay. I've already forgotten everything. I was too busy thinking about you two not liking this cat. I don't, I mean, that should say enough. I'm going to give it a four because it's instantly forgettable. Yeah. Like you have a cool cat, but you're shy and you don't want to be called babe.

And you're big. That doesn't tell me a lot about you. Here's the thing. There's pictures. You know what it's like you don't need to describe your your physical appearance unless you're lying to someone in which case why would you do that if you're going to be honest in the you know what i mean so like take a picture that represents you and don't don't hammer the point home let them figure it out themselves you know don't say you're attractive don't say you're whatever another thing which drives me fucking crazy is like don't don't tell people not to call you something because all that's

gonna it's like the bully situation right it's if you give if someone calls you you know you know fart face and you're like don't call me far face then like everyone's gonna call you far face if someone calls you babe and you don't like that then that's a good indication like if you feel that strongly about it then you get to weed out all the people that call you babe. I get having like I don't like being called kid. I hate when people call me kid. That's a weird one, though. I don't mean like romantic partners.

I mean, just like like kiddo or kid. Like anyone who uses that as a kid. I mean, not a whole lot of people now. I mean, it's definitely a less of an issue now that I'm in my 30s but like hey you know that whole bully thing you're talking about yeah i know all the time now the thing is i don't really care that much anymore especially if i know if i if i know people are doing it intentionally because they know it's you know you don't have power over me it's cool kid so you just sound like an idiot it's all right kiddo it's all right baby boy i'll call what was i calling you the other day i don't remember ha uh yeah this this gets like a four for me it's yeah it's pretty boring and it doesn't

tick the boxes like the other guy so the last one here is sammy we'll get along if you think covid is a scam hashtag oh cool cool cool cool I bet he's getting swiped a lot. Oh, Sammy's a girl. Sammy's a girl. I bet she's getting, well, actually,

you know what? I'm just probably getting more swipes than if it was a dude. It's true. Uh, I'm going to give it a minus 10 because your brain is not smart. I'm giving it a minus 10 because you're probably the reason we have an outbreak of a third wave right now. Yes.

Just single-handedly spreading covid from one shitty tinder hookup to another all right guys thank you for coming we love you all thank you for we had a little bit of uh with a few people share us on uh twitter earlier on we had a few people on a discord group so if any of you are on here right now hello welcome we love you and thank you thank you very much for joining us. Whether you're a new listener or been with us since the beginning, we appreciate you. We love you.

Thanks for hanging out with us for an hour every week. It means the world to us. Yeah, if you ever want to do something to support the podcast, you can always reach out and buy yourself some Manscaped products because that does help us.

Otherwise, a review, a rating on iTunes or any of the other platforms you listen to, sharing it with your friends. Those are all acceptable things to do as well. And we will love you for any of them. Yeah. Even just like letting one friend know about us, throwing us a little recommendation, doing a little share on Twitter, any of these things.

We appreciate all the support that you guys have given us for almost two years now, right? Which is wild. We're coming up on it. It's over two years. Almost two and a half years. It is. Yeah. I don't know. It's just, it's so long. It's crazy. And we really appreciate it. If you would like to get a question on the show, it is very easy. All you have to do is head over to our website, fbuddiespodcast.com or plentyofbeef.ca. Hit the contact form, fill it out, give yourself an agent name to protect your identity, and we will answer it as soon as we can.

You can find links to our Twitter, Facebook, etc. on there too. And thank you to Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities for the song Paper Stars. Ready for some bad sex, ready? Yeah. I'm shaking up a little bit again. We're going on Kijiji because the last one was so wonderful this is female wanted for interior painting also cleaning and keep me company for a few days must be fit as there's some light lifting input on color choice welcome i also need some serious organizing i'm thinking of selling the house in a

couple of years and want a presentable i've hurt my back and can't reach to do the work. Massage skills would be a plus. Prefer someone under 34 that I can relate to. This would have to be a kind of therapy for me. Last couple of years have taken a real toll on me. Easy going. You can take your time. I'm patient. Reason for female? I get along better with females and I really need some feminine vibes. A soft, kind voice. Is the term woman's touch offensive? Hope not. Cause I think I know what it is and I like it. A soft, kind voice. Is the term woman's touch offensive? Hope not. Because I think I know what it is and I like it. Could be long term.

Who knows? I love that like he's trying really hard to keep it like on the level about why he needs all these various things. And then throws in could be long term. Couldn't need this place painted every fucking day. Yeah. Also, he wants interior painting, cleaning, company, lifting, consultation on color choice, organizing, and massage, and therapy. Because the last couple of years have taken a toll on him. I would love to know how old he is as well, if he owns his own house and, you know.

Has her back and needs to sell the house and all this and like a couple yeah it's like also he only connects with people under 34 yeah i'm assuming he's he's old and that is just a weird like again what you're saying he's just trying to make it seem reasonable it's like that doesn't make any sense dude there used to be a youtube channel i don't remember what it was called of a woman who would answer these ads and like would go there with her like gopro on and like see what happens that's both brave and beautiful i want to watch this i mean she had like you know three jack dudes in a car outside uh and they were you know watching but uh it was and let me tell you it's always as fucking weird as you think it is at no point in time.

Was it ever not weird? And no, like also, I think a lot of these guys don't know what to do. If anyone said yes, because nine times out of 10, they're just fucking weird, but never try it.

Like they just sit in a corner and like, look shocked. Cause the end, you know what I mean? They're terrified as to how this, it's like a dog chasing a car they get the car they're like oh god yeah what the fuck do i do now this is made of metal i fucked up i don't want this i don't want this at all uh thank you very much for listening friends my name is dame miller i.e the kid and uh my name is now spain i.e the dickhole yeah big gaping one

we've been your fuck buddies