F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 135 -The Boner Nose Mix-Up

Episode Date: May 3, 2021

Circle message: Y'all make me so horny, my eggplant emoji sneezes.  Send!  Topics include our Circle strategy, sexy sneezy situation, degradation play, the price of your wasted time, mom bod fetish, Pavlov's beans, how to ask out someone you barely know, weird rejection stories.

I put my trust in you, and when I'm trusting, I love you. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and when I'm trusting, I love you. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. And we're your fuck buddies. Circle message.

We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into hashtag sexy, sticky situations, eggplant emoji, peach emoji, laughing, crying face emoji said. So I feel like he's trying to get me to listen to this fucking podcast. And I got to pretend I'm into it okay circle message is that the show where you guys find either questions online or sent in through your lovely listeners and on the topics of sex and dating advice eggplant emoji

sex emoji vagina emoji then answer them and solve all the problems of modern dating uh tongue face irish face uh big smile small smile medium smile circle sand oh fuck guys we gotta cut we have to cut he sent an actual vagina emoji there's we can't show that on TV. This is Circle after Dark Dane. Imagine if there was just like one secret, just explicit vagina emoji. And you just had to say the right word and the circle would be like, all right, here's a giant vagina. Someone's hacked the system. Yeah, one player every week gets the power to send dick pics.

Yeah, but you don't know it. They don't tell you. No, your dick pic gets sent without your consent uh yeah as you can probably tell me and dan been watching the circle it's great fun we got circle fever baby circle fever i think about it all the time being like how would i play this game i see i would i would be really tempted to play a catfish just because i think it'd be really fun but i think it's like the easiest way to fuck up well i think you gotta play a catfish but also have a persona that

fits with your own like uh you don't go like oh i'm super sporty and then know nothing about sports right you could still be a guy that's not sporty if you're not sporting yourself right or like i feel like i would play an old person okay because old people get like that that kind of like they get like a little bit of a pass right a little bit of gravitas you know what i mean yeah yeah you know you're cute people aren't gonna immediately be like hey fuck you jerome you fucking piece of shit 80 year old man if you make any mistakes you can you know ham it up you can send emojis that mean nothing, which, to be fair, I would be doing anyway, because I have no idea. I read a whole article

on the meaning of various colors of hearts and how you should not use different ones in different positions. It was, like, weirdly fucking in-depth, and I don't know any of that shit, and didn't even retain any of it afterwards. Yeah, it was like, yellow is, I think, like, friend heart? Yeah, who fucking knows? They would be like,

I'd be on it and they'd be like no this guy's not 30 he's fucking 80 that's why they specifically say in the show they're always like red heart emoji because like yeah you said the wrong heart you're fucked yeah no i would be i would be useless so i'll just play someone that's as out of touch as i am so it's an old man i think i i think i would go in as myself but play someone not me you know what i mean like i don't think i would play i don't think I would go in as myself, but play someone not me. You know what I mean? Like, I don't think I would play. I don't think I would go the genuine route, but I don't know.

I think I would. So you would just use your own image, but then not know the things you're claiming to know about? Yes. That sounds like awful. That sounds like you're basically doing nothing different. You're making it harder for yourself. Yeah, baby.

Hard mode. Circle plus. Just be like, oh, I have a sex and dating advice podcast. And like, he's a white guy. doing nothing different you're making it harder for yourself yeah baby hard mode circle plus just be like oh i have a sex and dating advice podcast and like he's a white guy his podcast this checks out it's real yeah yeah he's a guy in his 30s yep yeah yeah definitely not catfishing no one would want that hell for themselves uh should we kick speaking of podcasts should we do this should we actually host our podcast yeah it's been four minutes of us talking about nothing but the circle. And for all we know, people don't even know what it is. So.

If, I'm sorry, if you're in the fucking pandemic and you don't know what the circle is, you're fucked up. It's like the Tiger King of reality TV shows. Yeah, exactly. Even though the Tiger, it wasn't reality TV shows, it was a documentary, right? Yeah. So this question is interesting because we kind of had it before. Okay. But I feel like there's new significance given to it in this pandemic era.

Sure. This is by ThrawRAG. Should I, 19-year-old female, tell my boyfriend, 19-year-old male, that I sneeze when I'm horny? So I have this weird condition where I sneeze when I'm aroused. Yeah, it's a real thing, unfortunately. Lots of things can trigger it. Dirty thoughts, seeing, experiencing something that turns me on, etc.

I've never told anybody about this because why would I? Anyway, so I first started dating my boyfriend. He was my crush for the longest time. I kept sneezing like crazy. Sliced thing would trigger a ridiculous sneezing fit. I just blame it on my allergies. One time we were making out and I sneezed on his face. Sad face.

I still sneeze a lot around him. And a couple of weeks ago, he was very concerned and asked me if we should do anything about my allergies. He was Googling it and even brought me some nasal spray. I wanted to tell him the truth, but felt too awkward. I know it shouldn't be awkward now that we're in a relationship, but still feels like maybe I shouldn't do it. I feel like it's going to be weird. We've been together for three months. And before we get into this, I found out that it's the scientific term for this. It's called honeymoon rhinitis or honeymooners nose. And it's caused by the presence of erectile tissue in the nose, which become engorged during sexual arousal.

Huh? So like when your body was building you, they were just like, oops. Yeah. Hey, what if I put a little bit of a dick in this guy's nose? Yeah. Some boner material just or some clit material just, you know, it went somewhere else. And now it floods with blood when you get aroused and gets a little engorged and makes you sneeze. So there you go. That's some education here.

That's a real genetic mess there. It is. That's nowhere near your genitals usually. I wonder if the size of no... Should we make this thing bigger? I feel like it's not that big, guys. Should we make this bigger?

Nah, fuck it. I would love to know what other parts of your body can accidentally have erectile tissue in them. Are there people who I don't know, have a more powerful liver when they're horny. Yeah. Or,

or a weaker liver, even maybe a block, you know, like it's crazy. I don't know. That's, that's my education for today, man.

Now I'm going to think every time I'm going to like do a hard, like just body checking every time I get horny and be like, all right, what's, what's acting up, which one of you got a little bit of my dick because i would love for you to add it to the rest of my dick it's like the infinity stone where if you find all the erectile tissue around your body and like relocate it you get a a full gauntlet dick you can literally snap your fingers and make

everyone half the people in the universe come. Yeah, you dick pop. So, yeah. I feel like in a pandemic world, sneezing is frowned on a lot more than when we first got this question, which was, what, two years ago? I also wonder, is it the same person? Yeah, I don't know. I can't remember if it was a lady or a dude. It was a lady. It was a lady?

So maybe. It was. remember if it was a lady or a dude it was a lady it was a lady so maybe it was um it's the thing is is like i think you're this is you revealing your whole hand because at no point in time can you then sneeze anywhere without your boyfriend being like oh is that guy turning her on like imagine if you're on like a zoom call and your allergies are actually bothering you and you're sneezing up a fucking storm, he's going to automatically assume you're fucking getting horny. That Zoom prof? He's going to think he's doing it for you.

Well, I don't think the professor would know. No, I'm saying the boyfriend will think. Oh, okay. Oh, no. You've got to tell everyone. Yeah, if you're going to tell one person, you have to tell everyone yeah it now has to be your that your name on facebook i sneeze when i'm horny you sneeze around your parents it's gonna be really awkward yeah i think it's you're petting a dog and you're

allergic to dogs and all of a sudden you're sneezing he's gonna be like oh she's into some weird shit it could go one of two ways either he'll be super understanding and understand that there are times where you're gonna sneeze and it doesn't mean anything or you save him the fucking neurosis of constantly guessing which kind of sneeze you're having on the flip side if you don't tell him he's going to constantly wonder what you're allergic to and presumably think it's him and like he's already kind and concerned about it so it's like that i think will be its own kind of neuroses where he's like slowly spiraling like why haven't you gone and gotten an allergy test what can he change it is it his cologne is

it you know he's gonna start removing things from his life to try and protect you and i think that could be its own problem yeah i mean i will tell you as someone who has really shitty allergies uh knowing what you're allergic to doesn't stop them at all. Yeah, but it can help. Also, it depends what you're allergic to, I guess, right? Like, if it's something like, you know, spring, you're kind of fucked, because spring is everywhere. But if it's like, you know,

dust, you can make sure your place isn't that dusty. Can you? You could try. Yeah, I think you know your partner better than anything. It is also three months. I don't think there's any harm in sort of feeling it out a little longer. But at the same time, like you're right. This guy is already very concerned about you.

He's making an effort to make your life better. I don't know which I honestly don't know. This is a really tough question. And I think it really comes down to uh how well you guys trust or how much you trust each other for you to explain to him be like hey they're like i need i'm gonna tell you this but i need you to not use this against me in the future of being like well you sneezed when you're around mark what does that mean um and really hold him to that you know what i mean it's like if the first time you sneeze around someone that's not him he comes at

you or gives you a weird look. You need to be like, hey, we talked about this. I sneeze. There are two very different things. And I think you should know, like, when the appropriate time is. Yeah. Maybe even, like, in a very smooth way, slip that into the explanation. Maybe like, oh, I was worried about telling you because obviously I sneeze

for normal reasons too and I was always worried that someone would be a bit of a dick and if I ever sneezed around someone, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You can lay it out that way in a way that's illustrating to him that you do still sneeze for normal reasons. But yeah, that is

always a possibility. People are weird and jealous, especially when they're younger. and especially when there's something as as noticeable as a sneeze you know what i mean it's like it's one thing to catch someone giving like side eyes you know what i mean like catching a glimpse of a booty when it walks past but there's a difference if like when he was doing that he also yelled horny yeah i'm a horny horny and look if you guys are gonna police each other like that just be like cool every time a girl Yeah. I'm a, I'm horny, horny. Boner. And it, look,

if you guys are going to police each other like that, just be like, cool. Every time a girl walks by, I'm going to need to like, take a look at the pants to see if there's any stiffening happening. If that's, uh, no,

don't do that. That sucks. Um, but yeah, I think you, if you're going to tell him you need to lay it out and make sure that he's on board with being like, you can't weaponize this against me.

And if you do, I'm going to have a very, very short or very small amount of patience in which we can deal with the insecurity that you're facing and then i'm done yeah so you you can't like go around your entire life not sneezing especially if you have allergies like you don't have a choice i wake up scaring the shit out of me and my girlfriend with random sneezes so like you don't get a choice on this yeah so i would say tell them probably but uh you know you gotta make sure you

lay it out and i think as importantly if there is an issue you need to come down on them hard on that first time they mention and be like hey we talked about this you can't just kind of let it slide because then will happen again but if you really be, we got to sit down and talk about this because we had this discussion and I can't just go around not fucking sneezing. And then if he does it a second time, you know, this is probably not going to last anyway. That's the thing. Yeah. And like, again, it's one of those things where whether you sneeze or not, if this person is that jealous, it's not it's going to manifest itself in some other way at some other time. So you're learning

something about this person regardless of your tell. Yeah, if there's an issue, the issue isn't the sneezes. Yeah, exactly. It was there anyway. This comes from Reddit user Boombabeast. Degrade him at bed? My husband opened up last night

and said he wanted me to degrade him. Tell him how small his dick is and tell him how bad he is at fucking. I feel awful doing this. Kind of took me out of the moment and made it hard for me to come. I was trying to think of things to say without being mean or hurting his feelings. I don't think he's asking too much of me. It's a pretty simple kink, but I have no idea how to go about it without being mean or saying things that might actually hurt him after the fact. Any advice? Talk to him, lay out ground rules,

you know, like it seems like he sprang it on you in the moment, which I get it. Like you definitely don't want to be like, oh, hell yeah. And then go full steam ahead and just like say the worst shit to this person and crush them. But like maybe tell him now, because I'm sure if you were awkward or hesitant or whatever, he probably picked up on it. So you could be like, hey, the thing you mentioned the other day, if you really want to do it, I am down. However, I am very much aware of the fact that there is an inherent danger to saying cruel things to your partner.

And for my sake, as well as yours, I want to make sure, you know, what isn't, isn't on the table, maybe have a safe word that he can say in case a particular like path you're going down is offensive and also look into aftercare. Cause I feel like that will definitely make you feel better and presumably him as well. Yeah. Like that's it. Nail on the head. I think we should also talk about don't spring your kinks on people mid sex no it's it's really unfair like there's there's no harm in sort of like i don't want to say don't do it because like heat of the moment if if even if it's something as simple as like being spanked if you're having sex and you say you know pull my hair or spank me cool that's fine it's cool that

you're letting it out but also don't expect immediate reactions from it because people like myself and it you know probably niall as well judging by our conversations when it comes to king we want to set ground rules i've had people tell me be like i really like being slapped in the face and you know i when i was younger was like cool i can do that and they would tell me harder harder harder and then i would eventually cross a line that they weren't comfortable with and they would tell me harder harder harder and then i would eventually cross a line that they weren't comfortable with and they would get furious with me and that's such a unhealthy and unsafe way and dangerous for you know in more ways than one way to approach a king so if you're going to ask your partner to engage in a kink on your behalf you need to sort of bring it up on neutral

ground or give them very very clear guidance as to what you want, which it kind of seems like he did. He did give you some jumping off points. And when it comes like stuff like this, presumably in the throes of passion, you don't need a whole lot of creativity. You know what I mean? Like repetition isn't always a bad thing, especially in like verbal domination and shit. You could have found a phrase that he liked and just kept fucking saying it in you know meter meter tones um but i i think absolutely you need to sit down neutral ground and and discuss what is on the table um also ask him if there are videos that he watches when he masturbates because

i assume like it's pretty like the jerk off instruction and insult is a pretty common porn fetish and it's a pretty common porn genre um so it's there's you know you could guess that he probably is watching these things on his own time yeah if it's his kink he's definitely exploring it at some point so ask him to like show you a few of his favorite videos and this will one bring you together as a sexual couple it will give you a little bit of guidance it'll show you a few of his favorite videos. And this will, one, bring you together as a sexual couple. It will give you a little bit of guidance. It'll show you sort of like a masterclass of what he's looking for. If these are the people he's watching to

come to. So, you know, open up the... If you're willing to engage in this, go for it. And be ready to do a little deep diving. Yeah, 100%. Like a little sexy homework. There's nothing wrong with that. Like if you're down and he's just going to be waiting in excitement for the

next time you guys do engage in anything. So it's, it's kind of a win-win there. Um, but I would definitely like, again, I feel like any conscientious lover is going to want to make sure they don't hurt or upset their partner no matter what,

you know what I mean? If it's making sure you don't spank them too hard or making sure, you know, you choke them properly and pull their hair a certain way and say the right things and not more specifically the wrong things. Um, and I think, you know, sure. If you want to pop something up in the throes of passion. Okay. But one, make sure it's a safe thing to make sure it's not a complex thing And three, you have to then be fair if they don't get it right. So if they fumble their lines and you feel a little let down because it wasn't as sexy as you wanted, it's not their fault. They were thrown in the deep end there. If they slap you too lightly, talk to them after and that's when you can build on what you said. But you

should always try to be safe. You should always try to make sure your partner is comfortable on both sides of the occasion. So don't be shitty if they didn't read your mind. Right? Give them another chance, communicate, build with this. If this persists, that's okay. This might not be your kink and quite sort of counterintuitive to your pleasure. You can have specific sexual encounters if you want to indulge in him in which it's just degradation play where you keep sex free of the degradation so that you can still you know achieve pleasure

from it and have other times where you just you know uh indulge his kink um it doesn't have to be a like all or nothing thing being like well this is what sex is now it especially shouldn't be if if you're finding that this is taking you out of it. You know what I mean? Exactly. So don't let it get to a point where there's nothing wrong with saying that, being like, hey, I know you enjoy this. For me, it kind of takes me out of the moment. So I'm more than happy to do this every now and then, but I don't want to do it all the

time. Because if you're too worried that you're going to offend them or whatever at the start, and you guys get in a rhythm of doing this for a while, it's always harder to break away from that than it is to just set up a health pattern at the start. Yeah. Because I've been with women who really, really enjoy degradation play. And I'm kind of the same way where it's like, it can be really hot in certain situations. But for the most part, I don't mind dirty talk.

I don't mind dominance. That's kind of an area I default to and i'm very comfortable in but to just straight up insult people and and mistreat them verbally isn't something i love to do on a regular basis or as on a personal level whereas again i'm still very happy to accommodate people but like i would i would usually specify be like hey if you want to do this today i'm in the mood to do it but i made it very clear that being like this isn't my wheelhouse and this isn't something i'm super comfortable with and this isn't something i particularly like enjoy yeah enjoy doing so it really does shift the focus of, the focus of pleasure on you and really puts me out, which is again, as a male, I'm fine with taking a backseat every now and then considering how uneven the orgasm gap is

in the world. Um, I don't mind doing it, especially for a partner. I really, I really like, um, but it's, it's dangerous if you allow someone's kink that you might not be particularly interested in but are willing to engage in become the focus of your sex life it yeah it's like take over yeah yeah so by all means like you know it's almost like going down on someone it's like that's them time you know what i mean you might enjoy it but you're still not like necessarily getting like sexual release out of it you know maybe your turn after, but for that moment, it's about them and you can have their kink explored in that same way where it's like, this is your time.

I'm going to make this great for you. And then either we do something for me after or when we have sex next, we're not going to do that. Exactly. I don't think there's any harm in being like, cool. If you're feeling a little frisky and feeling the, like, just take them into the room and like,

just fuck, give it a verbal beat down. And like, he's going to love it. You're, you're, you know, going to be great.

It's like, there's no harm in having this be a separate thing that from sex, if you're willing to do it. So good luck. I hope you have a great time. On top of that, I feel like, of course you're going to be taken out of it in the moment because

you're worried about upsetting your partner and that's not a sexy feeling. So it could be that when you get more comfortable with it, it won't be as big of a deal, you know, but you never know. But again, even if you get all this sorted out and you still don't enjoy it, you're never beholden to do anybody else's kink. So just remember that as well. This is by Fremdo. An ex sent me a $2 Venmo request for wasted time. So today, out of the blue, I got a Venmo notification that my ex-girlfriend from eight years ago

requested $2 for wasted time and included a cute animated sticker that said, thinking of you. I haven't talked to her since we broke up eight years ago. I don't have any ill feelings towards her, but I also live on the other side of the country and don't have any desire to talk to her. I don't want to be rude by declining the request or blocking her, but I don't want

to just pay it either. Thoughts on the best way to handle this? I would love to know what time of day this request came in at, because this sounds like hanging out with your girlfriends and you've had a few too many drinks and you thought this was fucking hilarious yep uh i also love how he has two options and it's like i'm rude by declining or or by uh declining her or blocking her or i

gotta pay him yeah like you could also just message them there are a lot of like other things in between there but i do love that they're the only two options they could come up with i mean but he's right though at the end of the day you either don't pay it or you pay it well he was like decline the request or block her or pay her where you could just like message her you could talk is what i'm saying you know what i mean because'm saying. That doesn't affect the Venmo request, though, does it? Well, what I'm saying is you don't have to physically decline it, right? But then it's there always. That one notification.

Sitting, waiting, reminding you of that $2 worth of wasted time eight years ago. Does it say how old he is? It does not say. I would love if he is like... 40? No, if this was like a 12 year old girl you know i mean like if they were in fucking elementary school and this is and she was like you know what we were so young it wasn't that big of a deal and that's why it's only two dollars like if they were

in their 20s when they dated and it's only two dollars i'd be a little suspect i would i would maybe wonder how much she values her time. Well, you know what? That's actually a good point. Because if it was like a high school or like childhood romance this could actually be cute. Like $2, ha ha ha, you know little nudge, thinking of you.

The waste of time is still a little harsh, but you'll have time to waste. You're fucking eight. But yeah, you're're right it's an adult thing it's funny because it could be really shitty this could just be like i'm reaching out to needle you for no reason it could be i'm trying to initiate contact to like maybe you know re-engage but i'm doing it awkwardly yeah it's probably what you said where uh you know they're just drunk with friends apparently it's part of some online where uh you know they're just drunk with friends apparently

it's part of some online drinking game thing that went around a while ago i don't know if that was about the time of this because i feel like it was like a year or two ago but maybe they had a copy of it or something now here's my like can you counter offer for her to pay you for your wasted time in which you value at a higher rate yeah a hundred percent that's exactly what i would say i i say pay the two dollars because it's two dollars and then counter offer and just be like i'm actually impressed that you uh are surprised you value your time so cheaply and then throw down a hundo yeah i would here's what i would do i would decline send her one for eight dollars and say it was 10 but i'm deducting the two dollars from the one i owe you so please pay me eight dollars for wasted time i'm p.s i'm sorry that you value your toast time so little

i like that because if it's a needle you've needled them right back if it's a cute awkward come on you've cutely awkwardly come back onto them and yeah there's there's no downsides for me yeah i i think it's like it could be played either way if like if she is sending this maliciously it's gonna piss her off so fucking much if she did it playfully i think that's a i think that's a very very sarcastic way to come back without having to fucking pay someone you haven't talked to in eight years yeah 100 um you're also not declining to pay while also not paying yeah yeah technically you've you've paid her back it's just coming out of the ten dollars she owes you yeah she has to pay you to be paid back which is it's just a great way to do things.

Yeah. A hundred percent. And it's like, they have no leg to stand on if they get upset. So best case scenario, they're in your shoes. Then we see another question. We'll answer it next week.

Or you get eight bucks. Or you get eight bucks. Yeah. That's a beer. A dollar for every year. You guys have it spoke. Yeah. There you go.

So Fremdo, you know what to do. Return fire. I also like $8 is a reasonable amount. was gonna say a hundred but no one's gonna pay that eight dollars is possible and like again you can't beer with that and they get you shit with two dollars if it is like a drunken thing she might pay you out of just guilt or embarrassment that's true um this comes from reddit user pootie tang could my mom bod kink be unhealthy just looking for some general info,

since I don't want to be that guy that would only hook up or date a woman because I have a kink or she fuels my fetish. My fetish for women, with mom bods, that is. Not needed to be a mom to have one, though. The mom bod, which I find really attractive, consists of things I like on a woman. Cellulite stretch marks, sag here and there, chubby tummy, thick thighs,

love handles, hips, all of which drive me wild. Though I'm asking since bigger curvier women on the plus size nature usually have one or more of those. So would it be wrong to be with a woman of that type just because I have a kink for a mom bod? Now, is it a kink or is it just what you're into? Yeah, you have to draw the line between a personal preference and body type which we all have no one's on here being like oh you know i like people who are fit like or you know i like a toned stomach like oh it's a kink am i weird like you know what i mean like that's a preference and no one would blink an eye at that so it's like why would we blink an eye at this yeah if you have a preferred body, if you find a certain type of person attractive,

that's fine. The dangers of that is if it leads into what you kind of talked about is fetishization. If you don't see the person and only the qualities of that person, the physical qualities of that person, then you're in trouble. Yes. If you don't like rate them as people and only rate them as these, you know, make you sneeze, yeah, you're doing something wrong. But if you're just like, oh shit, that person's attractive and like we all do, broader. Like if you look at the women I've dated, you could say that I have a very specific type. But if you look at the women I've slept with, it's a fucking wide net because I don't really

have a very specific body type that I find attractive over another. For both of mine, it's very varied. If someone notices you only date blondes, again, as long as you're not dating someone because they're blonde, if you're dating people who are blonde because that's sort of just the initial attraction you have to people and then you get to know them and you like them. If you hate the person, but you're only dating them because they're a hot blonde girl, then you're in trouble. I think that's when it becomes problematic and detrimental to both of you. But fuck it. If you have a preference a body type preference who cares and this just goes to show i also want to be like anyone who's like oh i'm i'm too overweight no one likes my body type blah blah blah it's like no there's someone

who likes everyone oh yeah there's like there's someone who's into you don't worry we don't even like this isn't even the rare example of that you know what i mean like there's you can see it everywhere and we you know just because we were mentioning it about the uh the catfishing thing the other day so 100 don't do that to yourself be honest about yourself you will find people are into you and hopefully this person isn't just fetishizing people but you know as dane said if you're not just looking at the body parts and fucking throwing everything else out the window it's fine treat people like people and who cares? If you find them attractive, you find them

attractive. Just make sure it is for the right reasons. Fuck, I'll just do this one. This is by Remarkable Ad 2886. My 25-year-old female boyfriend, 25-year-old female, I assume male, said something super weird

while we were doing the dirty and I cannot get it off my mind. What can I do to get it off my mind? So some context before. On this day, we were boiling some beans and he was in a work meeting and forgot to check in on them and only found out after the water had boiled away and the beans were burning. Now fast forward to the night. Things are getting heated up in the bed.

He's whispering dirty things in my ear. We're getting ready to do the deed. Clothes start coming off. Hands start roaming around. He's still whispering dirty things. And then he suddenly he whispers, I burnt the beans very seductively in my ear in the middle of all of this. I know it sounds absolutely comical, but this guy is known for such shenanigans. My first reaction was like, wait, what? And then he repeated it. I burnt the beans. And we both started laughing our heads off. Yes, this guy is my boyfriend. But now I can't

seem to get it off my mind. Every time things get heated, I keep thinking of the smell of the burned beans and him whispering in my ear. I can't help but laugh and lose focus on the sexy times. What do you think I could do to move forward from this? Damn, he just Pavlov'd himself out of sex. Yeah.

Man, beans really are a centric problem for people, huh? Yeah. Real dating conundrum. Is beans like a street slang for some drug we're not cool enough to know? Maybe it's an emoji I don't realize, which is why I'd get kicked out of the circle. Maybe. This is tough because I, as someone who has laughing triggers like that song from monday yes exactly yeah there was we were listening to a song i don't even remember what it was

oh it was it was a song from undertale but performed by someone who grunting and moaning i guess and just like freaking the fuck out anyway it it broke me and for the next couple days if i thought about it like even now i'm trying to keep it under under wraps and thankfully i can't picture it in my head right now because we're talking there was also a video of a kid in like one of those head braces i was actually gonna start mentioning that um who and he's like it's actually like good for uh spinal rehabilitation or something like that and you essentially like strap your head in there and you dangle from it and like wiggle around and this kid was just going fucking buck wild i don't know if you've seen it

but it's one of the funniest fucking videos i've ever seen in my life i think like the thing that got me and i just fuck me i just i burnt the beans but see what i mean it's like i just i'm just describing a video that makes me laugh and i'm there's a video that i don't know whether it's as funny as it actually is or whether it was just like peak pandemic hysteria but like it's of a guy walking his dog on this like path and there's like really like like long grass on either side of the path and there's a snake and they like see the snake going across the path and they're like oh like rex don't come back like to the dog and the german shepherd turns around runs back and they're like no no no no and the dog picks up the snake and just like shakes his head and yeets the snake like so fucking far into the distance.

And I, like I cried, like I bawled crying until I was in pain. Like my stomach, my ribs, my face, my mouth, like everything hurt from just like being tense.

It like, I laughed for probably half an hour and I'm too scared to look up the video again. Cause I don't know if it'll happen again. I know. We need to post these videos. I don't know if I want it to happen. We'll post these videos on social media

so you know what the fuck we're talking about. And maybe you guys can hit us with yours. Anyway, back to the question at hand. I think what you need to do is what I used to do on set when we were cracking up on a joke is you just have to repeat it back and forth. It's almost like a Meisner technique in which you guys just say it until it,

one, the words mean nothing to each other. And it's not funny anymore because like you've told the joke over and over again. I think that is kind of, I think you had to sit down with your boyfriend and be like, look, the beans thing has broken me and we need to fix it. And the only way to do that is for us to talk about the beans ad nauseum until the words I burnt the beans no longer have any sort of semblance of meaning.

But first, maybe some revenge. Maybe get custom printed lingerie with I burnt the beans printed somewhere. And then just like bring him into the bedroom, slowly strip for him and boom, you unveil your burnt the beans lingerie, which we were actually going to sell in our store online. So don't steal that idea. You can buy them off us. You could also really just get a tattoo of it. Ooh. That was going high or low.

It's a whole thing on the boobs. I burnt right above in the, you know, like the right above the pubic region, the, and then on the ass B E A N S across the boobs. I burnt right above in the, you know, like the, right above the pubic region, the, and then on the ass. B-E-A-N-S across the ass. I like how you had to spell out beans there. What other way were we going to spell it? For some reason, I forgot it was beans and not bean, and I was going to say B-E on one cheek. A-N on the other, yeah.

Yeah, but I was just too far gone at that point. Well, if we're doing all the sexual organs, you do B-E on one cheek, A-N on the other, and then S on the erectile tissue in your nose. Yes. You just have to, like, pull open a nostril to show them there's nothing sexier.

Yeah, I think Dane's plan could work. But also, like, just general advice, guys. You got to be careful when you're pulling out some beans in the kitchen. They're powerful. You know what I mean? They could overwhelm your sex life, as we've seen time and time again. I make sure that if I'm going to have beans, my

girlfriend is nowhere near. One, I make sure that I've bought the beans, that they're my personal beans out of my personal funds. Two, I make sure she's not around in case there's a bean cooking incident in which I burn them or do something terrible to them. Just ruin sex forever. And three, for the bean aftermath in which the burn them or do something terrible to them. Just ruin sex forever.

And three for the bean aftermath in which the toots come out. Bean aftermath would be a good band name. Hell yeah, man. It's my metal band. I think we solved that one. Are we going quick today or? We are going quick. Let's fucking keep going.

All right. This comes from Reddit user Tom Batten 17. How to ask a girl when you don't know if she's interested. This is a question we get a lot. And this is a question I've brought more than once. But I feel like every like 30 episodes we should answer it. Because so many people have this problem. This girl from university added me on Facebook randomly.

Oh shit. On my class. Gotta just go for it. Okay. There it is. I mean you're not wrong. I'd spoken to her maybe once or twice in the main class at uni and thought she was pretty cute. Disclaimer, Australia doesn't have COVID restrictions anymore and we're able to have classes at uni.

Thank you. Yeah, good job. Cool fucking flex, dude. Anyway, we've been talking for a few days now and she seems great. How do I ask her out or even ask if she's interested in me? The university class is over and I'll never get to see her again, but I can always ask her out on Facebook. So if you've been talking on Facebook and you guys don't really know each other and she added you out of nowhere, these are all good signs, right? I don't think there's any harm asking her out. Maybe not specifically as a date, but even then, once you're not dick about it or a

dick after the fact, it's not really a big deal. So for me, I would just be like, oh, you know, it's a pity. Blah, blah, blah is over. Are you still like, I don't know if she fucking flies off somewhere else or she's still in the city or whatever the fuck happens in Australia. So just be like, what? Well, OK, so in in Ireland, it's pretty standard standard that if you go to university, you live near enough. Unless you're from the country, in which case you'll go back to the country. You know what I mean? Like most people in Dublin go to university in Dublin.

There's not really the same kind of like moving out, getting your own placeness as there is over here. Where it's like the fucking city empties after university is over because half the foreign students are gone other people like right okay you know like there's you can literally see a rise and fall in the uh like condo market in the fucking city because people leave and come back and it's like sublets even just for the summer are like wildly abundant you know like so there's that kind of culture so i don't know if australia is the same where it's like there's a decent chance that she's fucked off back to like melbourne so if she's still around just be like you're fucking like oh it's a pity we never get to meet up for a drink during the year like we should rectify that easy if she wants to meet up for a drink go have a drink and like if she's like yeah cool i'll get

my friends you get your friends that could be a like a negative thing or it could just be a she doesn't want to be alone with you which is fair because you know have you met the world and just see where that goes and if it goes well like hopefully you'll get some vibes throughout the meeting you can always just be like oh let's do it again and trust your gut and at one point maybe like go in for the kiss if it's if it's working right or or at the end just be like oh this is really cool like i like seeing you i wouldn't mind doing it again that's like if she's meeting up with you that's also a good sign but at some point you gotta you know unfortunately i can only give you hypotheticals because the real way to figure it out is in the moment when you're there how things are going yeah also it depends on like if you guys didn't talk if you only were like oh hey that girl's cute

then like it doesn't sound like you guys are friends it just sounds like this is a girl you're interested in asking on a date so really there's no it's not like you're losing it's not like this is your best friend of 12 years in which you just realize you have feelings for it's yeah there's there's no downside here really again once you're not a dick yeah exactly it's a woman you might have talked to like what two or three times in person and now has randomly added you on facebook and you guys have been chatting it's this is the prime situation to ask someone out on a date because if she's like no and you don't have any interest in being friends with her and you just wanted to date her then it's like cool i would say don't fucking be a weirdo don't be a fucking asshole if she does say no and that means that you don't have any interest in, you know, following up on a relationship with her, just peter off your conversations every now and then.

But, like, there's no harm in asking. Like, literally zero risk in asking her out right now. You said you're never going to see her again. So even if she's like, ew, I can't believe you'd want to ask me out on a date. It's like, sure, your feelings might get hurt, but, like, I don't have to face that again. See, that's another thing. It's like, once you're not really fucking creepy, you know what I mean? Once you don't send her,

like, a video of you just, like, rolling your dick back and forth in your hand, and that's your, that's how you ask her out, you know what I mean? Like, if you're like, hey, like, you're really cool, do you want to go, like, grab a drink with me sometime? If she's like, ew, like, then fuck that. It doesn't matter. Like, don't even get offended. If she's that shitty,

you know what I mean? And again, like, not that she should like you, but't even get offended if she's that shitty. And again, not that she should like you, but I mean, if she responds with, ew, that's being shitty. But if she just says no, fuck it. Again, she's not going to go tell her friends you're a big weirdo if you're not a big weirdo. She's not going to say you're a creep if you're not a creep.

It's just going to be like, oh, sorry. And she's probably going to feel quite nice about herself. And if you're cool, you'll feel fine about yourself afterwards. And it either means you don't have to waste your time by like hoping this conversation goes somewhere. Or if you do want to be this person's friend, then these thoughts will be put away out of the way. You can just actually get on with being her friend. It's all win once you're not a dick. And do not get pissed off if she says no.

Don't be a dick. Yeah. So basically, don't be a dick and you're not a dick. And do not get pissed off if she says no. Don't be a dick. Yeah. So basically, don't be a dick and you're fine. Ask her out. If you want to ask her out, do it. Because what? Literally nothing to lose. Yeah.

So speaking of rejections or possible rejections, this is a question by SwordanceX. What are the worst in real life rejections slash blowouts you've experienced? Here are some of the ones etched in my memory. During a girl, a run was opposite me. I told her hi. She screamed, go fuck yourself in Russian and continued running. In my neighborhood bar, a girl told me I look like a cancer patient. I bawled and lost over 130 pounds.

I was shook, but half an hour later, when she saw I knew most of the bar staff and regulars, she came up and said she lived above the bar. I laughed and ignored her. And finally, visiting friends in Russia, I went to a bar where I hit on a girl dancing. We danced together when a drunk massive guy stood next to us and asked if she knew him. Said it's her husband. Luckily, he was too drunk to understand what was going on, so I went back to my friends with my face intact. Blah, blah, blah.

Basically, he's asking, what are your worst in-person rejections slash blowouts you've ever experienced? I would say just expanding it because like i feel like a lot of people are are scared to be rejected which is where a lot of the like angst comes from but it's like what are your worst i mean this is gonna sound like a weird i don't think i have like a really bad one that's part of why i've had this question for the last three weeks and part of why i didn't bring it in was because i felt weird also saying that but like i then realized it's probably a really good thing to get that out of the way because like people are so scared of rejection and it's never fun but like it's never or usually never more than like oh shit that sucks you know like no one no one's turning around me

like this fucking asshole or like you know this creep this creep. I'm gonna tell all my friends. It's like there isn't really this kind of like worst case scenario that sometimes you might imagine. It's usually pretty low key. Yeah, I'm trying to think like, no, like just a very polite no thanks or, you know what I mean? Like I and like any time that a rejection has gotten fucking weird, it's always been on on like like i've told the story of i once asked out a woman and she was like oh i just got out of a relationship no thanks i was like okay cool and then like out of nowhere she texted me being like what are you up to and i was like ah nothing she's like cool i'm on my way to a date i was like okay um and then she got very upset at

me for like i think i jokingly just said it's like oh you're trying to make me jealous and she like lost her mind and sent me like pages of fucking texts about how you know i was a terrible person um and it's like i guess that might have been my worst rejection but at the same time it's like i'd already been rejected that wasn't really the rejection yeah i mean like when she said you know oh sorry i'm out of relationship i'm not really looking date it's like that was the rejection and that is fine that's a completely normal thing to say to someone yeah i think my worst one was worst in terms of like weirdness and i think i was actually talking to you about this like a week or two ago where i'd hooked up with a girl in a bar and then she messaged me like a week later and was

like you know oh it's a pity we couldn't you know do more because like i was on my period and i was like yeah well you know i'm always down and she was like oh i can't though you look exactly like my brother that was it and then she sent me a picture of her tits it was really weird so like worst in terms of like bizarreness and like general life but like it wasn't bad you know what i mean so i just kind of want to get that out there it's like in this situation that we just talked about with the the facebook message like unless you're? So I just kind of want to get that out there. It's like in this situation that we just talked about with the Facebook message, like unless you're creepy, there is no kind of like worst case there. Yeah. And it's like, look, maybe someone's going to be shitty.

Sure. It's a possibility, but like that's not a reflection on you as long as you're not being shitty first. If someone reacts poorly, then it's like, okay, they have some issues. They're not a nice person that has nothing to do with you. Move on. And I know that's easier said than done, then it's like, okay, they have some issues. They're not a nice person that has nothing to do with you. Move on.

And I know that's easier said than done, but it's, it's, it needs to be in a mindset of being like, I'm approaching this honestly and genuinely and respectfully. And that's really all you can do when you're asking someone out. And if someone doesn't return those qualities back to you, then that's on them and not you. Yeah. A hundred percent. All right. You ready for some uh tinders yes so every week uh at the end of the episode me and dane kind of curate a little selection of uh

tinders we either find in the wild get sent into us or of our wonderful listeners themselves in an effort to you know see what's going for them what's going right what's going wrong you know provide you some guidance and mostly tell you just what not to do. So this is going to be Agent Robot. They sent theirs in. It is a male. And they say, currently on here in an open relationship, not looking for a third. Warning, I'm a fucking dork.

I'm a total nerd who loves beer, D&D, music, football, and dogs. Basically waiting for the eventual dad bod to set in. All right. I would say my big thing on that would be get rid of the word warning, right? Warnings aren't a good thing. And if I were, if I ever scroll and I'm just like not really paying, if I'm absentmindedly swiping and I see the word warning, that's going to be a red flag for me just right off the bat, regardless of what follows it. Even if it's a joke, I think you could find a going to be a red flag for me just right off the bat, regardless of what follows it, even if it's a joke.

I think you could find a better word, a disclaimer, or even just being like, I don't know. I like I'm trying to think of a word that like doesn't immediately give me the heebie jeebies. Because anytime anyone says like anyone saying like, oh, disclaimer, I'm usually like, oh, this is going to suck because it's like, you know, you're putting a stipulation on shit, despite the fact that you're literally just describing yourself. Well, the funny thing is, I think we could just do without that line entirely because immediately below says I'm a total nerd. You know, you're saying it twice, which I think could be lending too much importance to it. And also I do kind of understand where Dan's coming from on the warning thing.

Aside from that, what I love about this is that at the top we have, you know, what you're looking for, where you're at, you know, relationship wise, very clearly stated. That's great. And then it lays out what you like, beer, D&D, music, football, dogs. And then there's a bit of humor with the dad bod at the end. These are all good things for me. Yeah. In terms of constructing a Tinder profile, it's got to be short and sweet, which it is. You've got to sort of like give an idea of what your headspace is in terms of constructing a tinder profile it's got to be short and sweet which it is it's got you've got to sort of like give a an idea of what your headspace is in terms of your like dating mentality you fucking do it and then you got to give a little information about yourself

great perfect yeah i really the only thing i'd say is get rid of the warning disclaimer any of that because like that usually nine times out of ten is followed up with like must be you know six foot or higher or, you know what I mean? Like there's usually that sort of bullshit. And also don't give people a warning about who you are. Like own it. You're a fucking nerd.

That's fine. It makes it seem like it's a bad thing. I'd be really interested to know if women have the same aversion to the like warning thing, because I don't know if it shows up in as many like male profiles in the way that we're kind of like complaining about it. Right. Yeah. I don't know.

But yeah, overall, I think this is like a nine, nine out of 10. I mean, yeah. Fix, get rid of that fucking one line and you got a,

you got a solid profile, my dude. Yeah. If you seem fun, you're approachable. You, they know what you like. You're funny.

You're open and honest. I dig it. I, what I really like, and I, I and I think it's really important for people who are poly or in open relationships, is clarifying that you're not looking for a third. Because I think a lot of people approach people in open relationships or people who are in polyamorous relationships with an air of uncertainty or an air of like, oh, this is going to quickly devolve into being like, want to join us? When it's not always like that. So I think that's an important

distinction to make. Yeah, that is actually, again, just like that openness in the first bit, like gets at what you're doing. I love it. Okay, this is Enla. I was born in Canada, but grew up in Hong Kong. Recently, I moved back to Canada. I will live here for a long time. I hope to meet some polite people, not hooligans. I'm just looking for a serious relationship. If you are not sincere, please don't slide right. Hobbies, music, movies, guitar, photography, travel. I hope I can find someone who will spend my life with me.

Did we do this one before? Or is there a real problem with Toronto hooligans? It's so close to the other one, but not enough, which either makes me believe that one, yes, Toronto hooligans i it's like it's so close to the other one but not enough which either makes me believe that one yes toronto hooligans are a major issue or two it's a bot that's just like recycling the same kind of like general shit i really don't know but like i'm giving it a one out of ten because i'm a hooligan and i don't like being called out like this yeah as a toronto hooligan fucking step up maybe we don't want you here for a long time. That sounds xenophobic. I'm sorry.

I was like, no. You can stay as long as you want. We're happy to have you. I do love that they're like, I will live here for a long time. It just seems like a really strange thing to say. Yeah. I mean, great. Canada is a great place to be.

So we're glad to have you. I'm sure. As someone who's been here for a long time, I would never say that. But okay. Yeah. Maybe you could tell us what it's like to steal all our tax dollars as an Irish immigrant, Niall. Well, you just man up and go back to work, Dane. No one is going to understand what we're talking about there.

Nope, not at all. Yeah, it's pretty bland for me. It's getting a six. Yeah, it means nothing. I'm going to give it a five because I don't care one way or the other. This is Alia. Hi, I'm looking for a date char. Don know what that means who have a big char chr okay cool so it's a date character and there's also a like thing like with like the teardrop coming from

their forehead emoji like right after that oh shit They want to date a fish. Yeah. They should have gone on plenty of fish. I got him. Hey, hi. I'm looking for a date char who have a vision, good sense, humor, and a purpose in his life. Also, if he used floss, we can even get married. Joking apart, I'm looking for someone to talk who is rational. Life is a long-term project and everything is possible.

It is related to create an opportunity just for the right time being kind and open mind having a good sense of humor brackets turn me on or essential than having muscles estj a i'm not gonna lie this also sounds like an ai it does but the fact that they put their like personality type at the end makes it seem like not an AI, unless they're still learning, which they probably are. I mean, I don't know anything about personality types, and that sounded made up. I've never heard that combination of letters. Yeah, maybe it's not even one. Maybe it's just meant to look like one. That would be the funniest.

Yeah. That would be the most AI power move. It's like these dumb fucking humans that don't even give a shit. No, it is totally one. They are assertive and very, they're logical take charge kind of people. Well, yeah, I mean, it sounds like you're fucking logical because you sound like a

computing device. Yeah. The floss is kind of funny. I guess. I'm going to give it a six as well. Yeah, it's got a little bit more possessed than the other one, so yeah, I'll give it a six. The other two are just brief snippets, I think, from Hinge, where it's like, we'll get along if...

Yeah, yeah. So this is Rachel. We'll get along if you're fond of your childhood and you feel lucky to have had the parents you did. Huh. That's a pretty triggering thing to say. Right? Because like... That's a weird power move.

It's like your value, to me, is based on whether your parents weren't shit. Yeah, it has nothing like someone's childhood. I mean, just the sheer number of things that kids could potentially have gone through, like or people have gone through as children, whether it's the death of a parent, abuse, you know, fucking injury, trauma. Like there's so many things that people could have persevered through and to have that thrown in your face so flippantly and so like pointlessly yeah it seems like such a weird arbitrary and like cruel thing it's like okay fuck me if like you know because i know a lot of people who've grown up uh through rough times and like I would say it's made them all very, very good people.

Cause they dealt with shit and developed and overcame. And, you know, I think most of the people I know who've been through horrible things are some of the best people I know, you know, in spite of that, which I think is incredible.

So to be like, Hey, fuck you because of things that are largely outside of your control is, is wild and very ignorant to me. It's funny because it's such a brief snippet, but I hate it. Yeah. I mean, like the only thing I can think of is like, they're trying to say that like, they're thankful for their family and there's just a way better way to phrase it where it's

not accusatory of people's potential trauma. So yeah, I, I'm giving that a zero. You need to work on your fucking worldview and understand that there is there are spectrums out there that do not involve you know your cozy world i'm glad you've had a great childhood i'm glad you have amazing parents i am one of the few people out there who can say i had the same you know what i mean it's like i had a very very easy childhood despite you know the hardships that i did have but i know in comparison to some of the other things that even people that i love dearly have gone through i was like i I had a fucking cakewalk.

But that's not going to color how I treat other people. You know what I mean? Like, it's, I don't know. It's fucking weird. It's weird to be like, I can only, I will only engage with and respect people who have had the same fucking, you know, cakewalk life. Yeah, it's tone deaf and, you know, like it's a big faux pas at best, and it's

you being a shitty person at worst, like a very shitty person. Yeah, it just screams privilege, and I don't want it. Get out of here. It's zero for me as well. And lastly, we have naturalness. The way to win me over is being adequately attentive, affectionate, brackets, verbally and physically, and prioritizing me,

brackets, very independent, but I need to know that I'm special to you. I'm not going to lie to you, naturalness. Doesn't sound like you're very independent if you need constant reassurance. Yeah. Also, I've realized reading this that calling yourself independent is itself a red flag for me. Because I feel like you usually don't have to say that if you are. Yeah, it's along the lines of people saying they're unique. I'm like, well, you know, you aren't the person who gets to decide that. I am attractive, Dane. Yeah.

I am funny. So, yeah, again, I don't hate this nearly as much i think your your mindset in terms of like what dependency is might be skewed i think you're might not be as independent as you think you are um i don't think there's any harm in saying that like i value you know physical effect or verbal and physical affection i don't think there's any harm in that um i don't necessarily think it's the right place to put it on your dating profile because it makes no matter how accurate or nonchalant you try to make it, it's always going to come across as needy. Yeah. It comes across not only needy, but then self-conscious about how needy you are.

So you're coming across in a lot of negative ways to me. You know what I mean? Because if you want to just be like, hey, prioritize me. That's cool. It's needy, but whatever. Be like, prioritize me. I'm very independent also. But like, you know, it's weirdly defensive. It's strange to ask to be prioritized by someone you haven't met yet.

Yeah. Like, hey, I'm a very brand new person in your life, but I need to be at the top of your list. Because one, it's like i don't like being told like me personally i don't like being told what to do and someone telling me that they need to be important in my life fucking sucks i hate that i've changed my mind this this does upset me and i'm giving it a three yeah i was thinking three as well all right and that's it let's just get out of here we done did it. Thank you very much for listening. Sorry, hold on. Circle message.

Thank you all for spending time with us today. It means the world, world emoji, to me and Niall, that you are here. Hashtag FBudsFam smiling emoji, heart emoji, send. Circle message, I totally agree.

Vagina emoji, send. Oh, fuck. God damn it. We got to start all over again. Who keeps giving him the power? I won Joker this week. You guys are the best. Thank you for coming back week after week, day after day, episode after episode.

We love you. We do love you. I do really mean that. I know that sounded weirdly not true. I don't know. I was trying to... Anyway, I do love you. We do love you. I do really mean that. I know that sounded weirdly not true. I don't know. I was trying to... Anyway, I do love you guys. If you would like to send us a message, whether you're asking a question or just saying hello,

we'd love to hear from you. Head on over to fbuddiespodcast.com. Swing on over to the contact page and shoot us a message. You can assign yourself an agent name. If you want to send us your Tinder profile, uh, you can find any of our social medias on the site as well. Um, that's probably the best way to send us an image. Uh, or you can also just email us at

fbuddiespodcast at gmail.com. Oh yeah. Or plenty of beef.ca. We would like to thank Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities for the song paper stars. Now, are you ready for your sex writing this week probably not but hit me anyway okay so this is going to be a series of uh excerpts from a self-published novel which we should have done it's a neurotic novel which we have partially written we're gonna wait till next christmas i guess because because we were too late for our own shit uh no one was gonna read a rather christmas novel in february so who But anyway, in the meantime, this is what we could have done, Dane. Alexa felt a rush of excitement every time she picked up the corona sample, like a pulsating, erect penis, desperate to unleash its devastation on anyone who touched it. Even the sound of the virus made her ovaries

clash together like cymbals. She tore open the box of samples and began running them on the samplometer. Each sample came up positive, and each matched up with the results they had previously obtained from the other samples they had sampled. Or should I ask, what are you? He nodded, his bustling neck muscles contorting. Are you the virus? Yes, he said. You're coronavirus? COVID-19? Yes. What happened to Dr. Gertley-Chun? I consumed him. The virus opened his hand and Alexa nestled her cheek into it. It was like laying on a warm, welcoming pillow. Soft and strong.

Dreamy and happy. Some other nice things she couldn't even describe. I'm sorry, Dr. Gertley-Chun, she whispered. He's gone, said the virus. I'm here now. What's your name? She asked. Call me COVID, he said.

Alexa edged back, pushing back until her back pushed back against the wall. His tongue, so soft and hot like a chunk of microwave fish, sloshed around inside her mouth. And he spun her over, clamping his hands down on her ass, spreading her cheeks wide so he could thrust his warbling member deep into her pocket of ecstasy. A firm hand cracked against her ass and COVID grunted like a thunderclap. He filled her with love lotion, which oozed out instantly and spread right across the floor. Oh, boy. Is this Chuck Dingle? No, it's MJ Edwards. His eyes were striking like a goat's, but without the sideways pupils. Oh, boy. Is this Chuck Dingle? No, it's MJ Edwards. And on Amazon, in the description, it says it's a steamy tale about forbidden love and dark desires come to life.

But also, this is MJ Edwards' debut book and is her attempt to try paying the bills following her job loss. Damn. Well, you know what, MJ Edwards? I hope you're making some money off this because I enjoyed the sampleometer or whatever it was. Sampleometer? It sounds like it's a good fun time. So, you know, MJ Edwards, I hope you're doing all right. Thank you very much for listening. My name is Dave Miller.

And I'm Niall Spain. We've been your fuck buddies. Hashtag heart emoji. Which color? All of them.