F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 136 - Hagrid Horniness

Episode Date: May 10, 2021

You ever reveal a kink to your partner and think, "I shouldn't have said that.  I should not have said that."  Topics include vaccines and nominations, a very big fetish for a very big man, ball aesthetics, escaping abusive relationships, quiet men, keeping baby news from your partner.

I put my trust in you, and when I'm trusting, I love you. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and when I'm trusting, I love you. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I am Niall Spain, and we are your beep buddies have we been censored it's award season dame we cannot fucking curse well you fucked it up immediately oh god you just fucking what the shit ah beans thanks for listening we did our best we are your

fuck buddies this is a podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations. Simply put, we find queries either online or through our lovely listeners on the topics of sex and dating, and we just fucking answer them. We answer them so good that we've been nominated for not one, but two Canadian Podcast Awards. Yeah, today, which is great because we were going to record yesterday and we didn't do it. And now we get to tell you all about this so we were nominated for best adult series and best education series which guys what the fuck um and two uh i'm really bummed that we both submitted ourselves for nomination for or consideration for best host and i was really hoping that only one of us would get it and that would tear the podcast apart it would just tear us apart from the inside

almost like a civil war marvel civil war situation yeah i wouldn't vote for you at all i would specifically vote for anyone else anyone else um put you forward for that, man. I thought you had it. I thought you had it in the bag. Yeah, I thought we might. It makes sense that you wouldn't put one co-host up. Maybe. It would be such a burn. I know.

It's like, hey, Niall, you've done a great job. Your co-host, just dead weight. And so this is our award-winning podcast sorry half award-winning podcast yeah uh yeah so if you're a canadian podcaster you can go and register at canadian podcast awards i believe it's can pod awards.ca uh and vote for us because that would be incredible yeah i don't know how we got nominated in the first place i mean like we obviously like you know put our podcast and be like here it is. I don't know if it was a panel that reviewed. I don't know if it

was other voting. I'm not sure, but it's cool to be nominated. And we're up against some pretty cool people as well. Yeah. Lady Pym, we see you up there. We see you. And we're coming for you. We're coming to snatch that crown. We're coming for the crown. No, it's

awesome. It's a massive privilege and an honor. And I'm very flattered and excited. And it's been really good news today. And it's kind of made my day. On top of the nice weather? Some new adventure zone? Yeah. We got our vaccine? Sorry, I keep cutting you off at the

exact same place. I was going to say it's been a good news week because, yes, we also, Niall and I have both received, pretty much at the same time, the first dose of our vaccine. So there's a very good chance that within the coming months, we'll be able to record

together again. Yeah, get to stuff ourselves in the tiny closet and not hear sirens in the distance. Yeah, only my cat scratching at the door. Anyway, this is a lot of information throw to you once so damn should we just just get in and do the damn thing if you do hear any kind of interference that is our 5g emanating from our irradiated bodies though yeah let's do it you want me to start off i got one here. Shut your mouth and listen. There's that.

There's that co-host energy. This is by user I'm the stapler in Jello from Reddit. Last night, my boyfriend, 22 year old, told me,

female 22 year old, about a sex fantasy while we were cuddling in bed. He said that he really wanted to tell me something he'd like to try in bed, but he was hesitant because he didn't want me

to think he was weird. Well, he then told me it's about Hagrid. Yes, Hagrid from Harry Potter. And no, he was not joking. He usually jokes about strange things, so I laughed thinking he was serious. He wasn't serious, but he was. I was weirded out and asked him to tell me more about it. He told me he wanted me to dress up as Hagrid, put on a strap on, take him from behind while a video of his voice is in the background. He then started to show me

his favorite Hagrid smut and seemed way too excited about it. I tried to stay calm with a serious face, but inside I was dying of laughter. I'm not the type of person to mock people for their fetishes, but it literally came from nowhere and I've never heard anything like this before. He's always said he's straight, but I had to ask if maybe he's not, and he just said he's straight, but he thinks it's because of his daddy issues. But the thing that turned me off was more when he told me he usually thinks about Hagrid when we're having sex to make him orgasm faster. I seriously don't know what to do. Everything about this makes me extremely uncomfortable and sad that he's not thinking about me when we're having sex. Yeah. I mean, I was on board with it until that part. Yeah. That's an unnecessary thing to add. That's kind of mean.

Telling your partner that you're not thinking about them during sex is never great. Like no partner, no sexual partner ever wants to hear that. It's also like unnecessary information. If you have an issue about like sexual performance or something, you know, then talk about that. You don't need to be like, oh, what we're doing isn't doing it for me. So I think of Hagrid to come. But it doesn't even sound like, oh, what we're doing isn't doing it for me, so I think of Hagrid to come. But it doesn't even sound like what they're doing isn't doing it for him.

It sounds like she isn't doing it for him. Mm-hmm. Which is something that you do need to address as a romantic couple, or a sexual couple, of being like, hey, mate, if you're not receiving sexual pleasure from me, then our sexual relationship is not working out, regardless what you think it might be your daddy issues or your intense love of the,

the very large man from Harry Potter. Well, that that's exactly what I mean. It's like saying, I think of Hagrid when I need to come, you know, that that's pointing out that like, there's something I guess that,

you know, is lacking, but it's also just being kind of mean, whereas like instead you could not share that tidbit and talk about what's lacking. So what I'm saying is like you're almost like talking about a symptom instead of a cause. It's not great, you know, so it's like it's totally unnecessary information when you could actually have like a mature conversation and try to like get past whatever you know is causing you to need to think of this very large man it's tough it does seem like he might also have some homosexual tendencies if well like i don't know if we want i was actually going to criticize this person for saying that because like wanting to be pegged is not you know does not mean you are no no that's not what i mean again i guess you are wanting to be pegged by a fictional male so and and also fantasizing that your female partner is a male like those are

those are things that tend to and it's like maybe he's bisexual regardless and even then does it matter that's the thing it's like the i think what's happening here is this guy probably doesn't want to admit that he has sexual attractions to men. And therefore is shirking the reality of being like, oh, it's just my daddy issues. When in reality, it probably is. Perhaps he's bisexual. Perhaps he's gay. Like, you don't really need to throw a label on the sexuality here but it seems like you as a woman whether it's you specifically or you as a woman specifically aren't doing it for him and there is

another person specifically who is doing it for him so like again we don't need to it's like all the questions where it's like oh i kissed my guy and i like or my my best friend i i don't i'm not gay but why do i like it it's like fuck it it doesn't matter but this here specifically i think it does matter because you're in a relationship with him well we've also had so many questions about people you know like the corpse guy and like you know who are so into their kinks that like normal sex doesn't do it for them so you know it doesn't even necessarily have to be that she can't provide because she's a woman if this person is just so wrapped up in his weird hagrid fetish

sorry not that's very very fair totally normal i would love to know like is it a certain hagrid is a certain line if it's not your you're a wizard harry yeah if it's not your wizard harry then it it doesn't matter this man is lying to you if it's not your wizard Harry. Actually, I bet there are far more sexually charged lines than that. That's the most famous Hagrid line. I'm going to look up sexually charged Hagrid lines, and I'm going to regret it. I bet that there are. If you went through the movies,

and you cut and chopped it up and spliced it together, you could get some pretty filthy Hagrid smut out of it. Do you know what Hagrid's catchphrase is? Lick my thumb and stick it in. I'm not ashamed. Apparently. I don't remember, but

you know what? I'm glad this person isn't ashamed of their Hagrid fetish. I'll say that out. Straight out. It's great that, you know, you're... Oh, man, I saw this. A picture called Swagrid. And it's him wearing a gold dollar symbol around his neck and a thug life belt and fire festival shades.

It's incredible. Man, this is too distracting. So I will say, I'm very happy that he's able to open up about his fetish yeah it sometimes people can take you by surprise with specific fetishes like i'm not gonna lie wouldn't have assumed anyone was attracted to hagrid this intensely and it's nice that despite being taken by surprise she didn't mock or laugh about this i appreciate that were they being a little clumsy and how they talked about it 100 being like i being like, I need to think of this to finish when we fuck. It's not nice thing to hear. And again, it doesn't solve any problems. It's just kind of like mean. It's just like saying a thing that's bad about your partner or your sex life. And then just kind of like

brushing over it. We've said this a million times about fetishes. Do you need to engage in this? If you're uncomfortable, not at all. Does this mean he's not interested in you as a woman not at all i do think you do need to explore that though in the sense of like i don't think not like in the way that because we had a question recently about you know a man wanted his wife to peg him and she was like are you gay that's like i don't think you need to approach it that way i think what you do need to do is have us talk with him have a sit down talk with him be like hey we need to talk about like the dynamics of our relationship and if and like why you need to think of hagrid in order to come and like why that is a is such a crucial part because like if that's literally the only way he's gonna like find sexual pleasure is like erasing you from the equation and mentally substituting in

hagrid big big man, this giant of a man, this isn't a good relationship for you. It would be the same as if he, you know, was thinking about his ex the whole time. You found out about that. It's like,

if you become sort of just like a blank slate and a hole in which he gets to fuck while he thinks about something else, whatever it is, it's, that's a really, really shitty place to be in. And it's going to do a fucking nightmare, like worth of damage to your self-worth and your psyche and everything,

because no sex after that is going to be without a doubt of being like, is he thinking of this large, large, hairy man? I'm not ashamed of what I did or whatever he said. I remember I forgot already, but no, you've 100%

nailed it. If this is so much of... And again, it seems like, and maybe it's just because they haven't been able to express it before or because it's been bottled up or something. Maybe having been able to either explore it or talk about it might ease this. But if you're just a Hagrid placeholder, maybe you want to be a proxy Hagrid. But I'm assuming that if you talk to them, which you need to do, and figure out how deep this goes, if they're going to want this all the time. And if not, I don't think you're going to be able to stay in this relationship unless you are as equally into it. We had a question, I think it was last week, it was a similar thing. It's like, you can't do this every time unless you want to.

So I think you definitely need to talk and figure out how deep this this hagrid horniness goes and uh you know see if it'll fit into into your relationship yeah i think it like 100 is like this would be completely run-of-the-mill fetish talk and kink talk if it wasn't for the i erase you from our sexual experiences and replace you like if it wasn't for that it'd be normal it'd be fine whatever people are into weird shit people are into normal shit whatever who cares but the second you start removing the person you're having sex with or like dehumanizing them or you know making them feel like they are essentially just a blow-up doll in which you get to like mix and match the pieces of that sucks and it's it's not

good for either of you in terms of a healthy sexual relationship yeah so that's that's what you need to sort out in this relationship you need to be like hey i need to know that i'm not just you know the blow-up doll that you use that you've you know hastily printed out a hagrid picture and have pasted on top of like i, I need to know I'm more than that. And if I'm not, then sorry, but we're going our own ways. It's a lot of the similar stuff we said around fetishes. It's like, don't do them if you're not comfortable with them. A hundred percent talk them through.

And like, you know, don't let your partner, just because it's a fetish doesn't mean you have to engage with it or engage with it all the time. You know what I mean? Like you can respect them and still respect yourself. Well, we've had a man insulting his girlfriend. How about girlfriends insulting their boyfriends? This comes from beginning stop 9334. Boyfriend, or sorry, girlfriend said my balls are ugly.

Now I get a lot of anxiety when I'm dressing in front of her. We were playing around in bed and I said I really enjoy her playing with my balls a bit more. She laughed and said, they're ugly. Then immediately tried to change the subject by saying she loves how hard I get. Since then, I get a lot of anxiety when getting dressed or naked in front of her. I think my balls are small and they retract when I get hard. When I get really turned on and hard, they retract even more. I do try to keep hair down there kept to a normal,

but I don't know what else I could do to make myself look more attractive speaking to some of my friends one has a tattoo on his ball sack which his girlfriend loves what that just looks and sounds awfully painful and stupid now dane you're not allowed we're ending this podcast right now unless you can tell me what that is a tattoo of there's no information on unfortunately well guys uh my name is now Spain. We can guess. It's gotta be the bat symbol. What if it's like cue ball? Like a cue ball and an eight ball? Well, no, cue ball, like, no, that's weird.

Eight ball, sure. Why eight ball? Eight ball would be the worst. It has to get filled in. But you'd have to fill the cue ball, too, because it needs to be white. Otherwise, just a circle. No one would understand that. I think people would figure it out if it was an eight ball on your testicles yeah maybe what if he got a set of boobs tattooed on his balls damn what if he just got other balls tattooed on his balls damn like like truck nuts on honest balls damn yeah i don't continue keep going that was the question that was

it whoa those balls derailed me so hard that I can't. I will. Okay. You know what? Like, I immediately had a response to this. And then I was like, do I even want to say that? And I felt weird. But, like, I'm just going to go ahead and say it.

Like, I don't think any balls are attractive. Right? Thank you. Yes. And not in a bad way. You know what I mean? It's like how elbows aren't attractive and knees aren't attractive. You know what I mean?

Like, they're just parts in your body they don't need to be hot and i don't like i don't really think most people do like balls in any kind of dramatic sense i will say i've been with a few women who are ball maniacs okay well i guess i got weird balls that day and thanks for unveiling this in front of everybody but at the same time agree with you. I don't think balls are specifically or inherently aesthetically pleasing. And the thing is, even if they're ball maniacs, that doesn't mean balls are suddenly attractive. It just means they're attracted to balls. Yeah. They're big, wrinkly, fleshy bags.

Yeah. That's it. Like, what's hot about that? And there's like veins and hair and you know i mean like the the combination of things that could just get buck wild down there yeah and like they're nestled between two big ties that often that they're also going to be sweaty well stanky maybe it's normal to feel like you don't have attractive balls so much so that like i don't even think about it i i make zero effort in making my balls attractive other than like trimming it and you know doing the

doing the cleaning down there other than that i don't worry about the aesthetic appeal of my balls because i just i just don't think there's really anything like what are you gonna do put like fucking googly eyes on it yeah okay there we've there we've solved it. Maybe fucking, you know, get a cock ring that you can attach to some pipe cleaners, give it an arm, you know? Arms. Man, I can't imagine how much a ball sack tattoo would hurt. Yeah. What if it went too deep and just

popped them? Man, this is award-winning shit right here. This is how we got the educational. Niall's concerned. Niall's concerned is award-winning shit right here this is this is how we got the educational well yeah niles concerned questions that niles need to hear niles concerned that a tattoo needle will pop his testicle oh man please don't listen canadian podcast. We're just going to hide this episode. They're going to burn every trace

of our nomination off the internet. Okay. Man, I can't stop thinking about those balls. Okay. Firstly, think of your balls. They're pretty much hidden from view at any point, especially if you're not hard. And if you're hard, guess what?

That's taken center stage. No one's looking past your majestic penis to look at your balls especially if they're retracting so you are good all the time i think the real issue here is kind of insensitive your partner to call your balls ugly i think she the way she he words this question i think she realized how fucked it was that she said it and immediately hit him with a compliment yeah i think like her being like no your balls are ugly and then being like i love how hard you get i think it her being like no your balls are ugly and then being like i love how hard you get i think it was like oh fuck and we've all done it you know what i mean

like we all say stupid shit that we don't really think of the consequences i think she immediately regretted what she said and hit you with a little compliment afterwards because i think what you need to do is if you can realize that no one finds balls attractive. And regardless of whether she said it to your face or not, 9 out of 10 people, I bet, probably don't think your balls are going to look good. And that doesn't matter at all. Like, I don't think anyone cares. You know what I mean? No one's like, ew, balls, like, in a bad way.

Like, they're probably just like, it's a non-event. But if you think about it, sure, they're kind of, like like ugly i guess the balls you know you don't have to worry i mean like i could say the same thing about like you know if i really gave gave a vagina or a vulva like the full whoa the full look at you know i mean i could probably be like shut your mouth but at the same time you shouldn't be analyzing your partner's genitals for aesthetic pleasure here's some advice. Do not fire back. Don't find a part of her you think is unattractive

and list that. Because that's just like a one-way ticket to four months of sadness before breakup town. If you just talk to her and were like, hey, the thing you said about my balls actually made me feel like kind of insecure about them or a little self-conscious. And hopefully she will not be like

damn because they are really ugly hopefully she'll be like oh sorry i didn't mean to you know and like maybe don't even press don't don't like sit in that conversation until she goes no they're really hot balls yeah balls just like if she knows that you were hurt by that hopefully then she can like move on and be more chill and like also understand that yeah and like i said i i bet you nine out of ten she said it was like fuck me why did i say that that's a stupid thing to say that's the thing we can't all be hagrid i'm not ashamed of what i said remember that scene where hagrid tells harry that he's not ashamed of his balls you know what's funny is like the only hagrid line i can actually think of is i'm pretty sure is hagrid doing the exact opposite which is shouldn't have said that

yeah like so where did this catchphrase come from how many things is hagrid proud and unashamed of saying sorry we're getting derailed again um maybe his ball tattoo is hagrid oh man imagine the pubes are like the beard and the hair yeah he's a very big hairy man now um but yeah i would say talk to her and like if you trust your partner which you should like letting them in on your insecurity is going to help you both because she can know not to avoid it and you then will feel better you know what i mean you don't have to like hide in in your sadness which would be a shitty thing to do also let me don't be insecure about the size of your balls either no god no one's like hell yeah i got a guy with big balls just giant balls no one cares also i would say i like i would

take my like the smallest balls possible in my opinion less like worry about fucking chafing less worry about hitting them i give me small balls i don't even know what big or small balls would be considered like i have no idea i don't know where i fall on that scale which is the level to which no one gives a shit about the size of your balls ironically enough the size big balls are not the size jesus the phrase you know big balls are oh the balls on him but like it's never anything other than like metaphorical balls. Yeah, they're definitely not saying that that man has just gigantic balls. Yeah, no one cares about the size of your balls.

If we did, we would all have an idea how big our balls are. And I couldn't even ballpark it. I will also say, don't worry about your balls retracting when you're hard either. That is a... Hey, Dane. Yeah? How do you figure out how big your balls retracting when you're hard either. That is a... Hey, Dang. Yeah? How do you figure out how big your balls are? You ballpark it.

No, you undergo... You take a written testicle. Did you have to come up with that on the fly because I stole your punchline? No, that was actually my... I was trying to say, like, you go take a testy. You take testies or, like, a testicle. Hey, you came up with jizua tree, so...

Continue. Our balls are meant to contract and expand and retract. Like, that's a natural thing. It happens when some people get hard. I looked it up. It is completely normal, so don't be weird or insecure about that either. It's a natural mechanism

to prevent them from swinging around too much while you're having sex. And causing harm. Because like if you're thrusting, they're swinging all over the place. So sometimes the body realizes that they're in danger and tightens things up. Which is a neat thing that I learned

today when I looked this up. Yeah, those balls, they're incredible. So if anything anything that might mean your balls are very large and prone to doing some heavy wrecking ball damage on your thighs i came in like a wrecking ball but that's that's all i'd say about that don't worry about the size your balls don't worry about what your balls look like talk to your partner and i hate to say it but try to get over it because it's it's not something that's ever going to mean anything going forward. Just relax. No one cares. All right. Well, we're on a trend of

partners being mean to people. Are you ready to take it up a notch? Sure. This is by SufficientBat8991. I left my boyfriend last night after an argument, and now I'm sleeping in my car. For the last few months, he's been cold to me. He won't touch me. He won't even really have long conversations with me. He makes fun of my weight. I am 5'5 and 88 pounds. I can't gain weight because I gag on food if I eat more than I can. I showed him a swimming suit top and he said you would have to have boobs for that one. I'm a 28A cup and I can't help that either. He only buys me boy shorts for some reason and just seems like he's trying to hide me with the clothes he lets me buy. I'm living with his family because my mom nearly killed me and after that he took me in.

His family likes me and they're nice and he got me a puppy for Christmas that I really love but him exclusively is the problem. He makes me feel so disgusting. I wet the bed because of the pills I take and they knock me out completely and he made fun of me for that and got me an air mattress. I have a stuffed animal that is like a therapy bear and he makes fun of me for that as well. I guess I have needs because of my trauma and a therapy bear and he makes fun of me for that as well. I guess I have needs because of my trauma and he mocks that. So last night he told me he went on a hike without me because his friends don't like me and I bring everything down. He ditched me and left me all day.

I just left him last night and slept in my car. He called me 45 times and sent me 103 messages all night and said he was going to report me missing. I don't think I should go back to him after all of this. He clearly hates me. Any thoughts? Oof. There is a lot going on here. Yeah, this

doesn't sound like a good relationship, and I would encourage you to end it. Yeah, the I don't think I should go back to him? Don't go back to him. Like, there shouldn't be a question. This person is fucking awful to you. Well, I think her hesitancy, it seems like she is semi-dependent on him because she lives

at the parents' house. So it's like, I understand the hesitancy of being like, well, it's either be homeless or go back to him. Yeah. What I was saying is like, I would understand if you wanted to leave him, but it was hard as opposed to, I don't think like, you know what I mean? You should know you shouldn't go back to him is one thing whether or not you can leave is a different thing you know

what i mean so i just want to make that clear like you should know like you should respect yourself to the point where you should know that this is a terrible situation for you and then comes the really difficult parts of you know accommodation and the puppy. And, you know, on top of this, it sounds like you have a lot of things that you need to work through. There seems to be a lot of past trauma that you haven't resolved and is impacting things in a relationship. And there's some things that are beyond like the medication that you like. That sucks.

That's but there's nothing you can do about it. One option I think you might have if you get along with the family i think there's no harm just to like try to sort out something like in the short term maybe stay with a friend or whatever but like ask them be like hey you know break up with the boyfriend 100 that needs said and maybe talk to the parents be like hey so you know steve and i have stopped seeing each other do you mind if i rent a room for you you know what i mean keep it very on the level keep it for like you know two days three days however long and be like and then i'm gonna go stay with a friend but i just like my other alternative is sleeping in the car and i would like to you know not be there yeah see the

danger is like you don't know parents can be very fickle once you're no longer dating their you know son or daughter yeah this person sounds like such a shit bag that i can't imagine their his parents are much better you know maybe that's wrong of me to assume but you know i i think for me it would be like you need to figure out a place to go and a way to to be if not self-sufficient then in a safer environment you know what i? If there's another friend or extended family or, you know, anywhere else that you can go, because even, even if the parents are cool and you're still around this person, I can't imagine it's going to go well.

Yeah. So I think like finding a safe way out is the best thing to do first. You know, I don't know if like how, like whether you're actually seeing someone like for, I think therapist wise, or if you can, cause if you can, you definitely should. I know there's a lot of like, if not free, then the cheap, like remote things you can do. Like, I know a lot of people are doing like remote therapy as a result of the pandemic. So it's like, you know, if you don't have a car or if they're far away or if the places nearby you are expensive, you still have options.

I know online therapy has been really good lately. So that's definitely an option. But yeah, finding a safe place to stay is paramount. Yeah. And I would say because of the way that trauma like sort of compounds on top of it or on top of each other, I would say try to deal with this past relationship as well, moving forward before getting into another one. Because you seem, and I know this is a judgment call and I'm not qualified to make it, but it seems like there's still a lot of stuff you have not worked through and to add this on top of it. And a lot of these issues seems to be because of

your current issues. It's's just gonna like compound and make things worse and now you'll be if you enter into another relationship you'll have all your past traumas and also what happened in your last relationship quote-unquote because of them you know what i mean so i think you need to really sort of like get into a great headspace and a more secure headspace before engaging into another relationship. Also, if you can find a way to be self-sufficient, then you won't have to have this like that terrible shit, like how much can I put up with before I leave? Because leaving is so difficult. Leaving is so hard and leaving is so scary, right?

Whereas like if you know that you are self-sufficient and you have your own, you know, you look after yourself and you have your own place and all these things, which, of course, is not all that easy sometimes. But if you have those, then you won't have to put up with anybody's shit. You know what I mean? Like if someone is cruelty or mean to you in the way that this person clearly is, you can just leave easily or at least a lot more easily. Yeah. Again, I don't know where in the world you are, but you can always look into resources available for abusive relationships and stuff like that, because there are, depending on where you are, resources that will help you get cheaper apartments.

And they're not fancy, but they're safe and they're yours. And it's something to get yourself on your feet and like Niall was saying, self-sufficient so you don't have to rely on abusers anymore. So maybe try to look into what's available for you in your area, even if it is just like a short term, you know, I know there are like women's hostels and stuff like that that you can pop into

in the meantime. Yeah, because you deserve so much better than this shit, you know what I mean? Like this is terrible and it's fucked up and you're so much better than what this person is treating you. Like don't put up with it. Find a way to get out and, and be safe. I wish you the best of luck.

I hope you can find a way out of this safely and quickly and, and, you know, take care of yourself. I'm going to, I'm going to switch gears a bit. This comes from a Diageo121. Why don't men make more noise or moan more in bed? I, a 20-year-old female, only had two sexual partners, and neither one of them made any noise. Last night when I was hooking up with my friends with benefit,

he said he let out a noise and apologized soon after. I didn't understand why he was apologizing. I thoroughly enjoyed hearing that little sliver of noise. It turned me on even more than I already was. I asked, why is he apologizing? And he said, well, because of that, which made me even more confused. Is it just the guys I've slept with or do all men feel this way about making noise in bed? I'm completely confused about the possible discomfort that men have about moaning, grunting, or making noise in bed. Someone please explain. i'm not particularly noisy in bed i kind of get it you know as to why like i don't know i just kind of feel that way you know

what i mean it's like when i come it's i'm not silent as the grave for sure but like i don't feel the need or the uh you know i don't feel the need to be louder now how much of that do you think is so socialized or yeah i don't know because like honestly i have no idea i like a lot of it i feel like if you're kind of taking the reins you don't necessarily have the lung capacity for you know what i mean like if you're really like trusting and doing a bunch of shit and like you know you don't really have the air to spare on on a lot of like acrobatic sounds if that makes any sense, you know,

like if you're really like taking the reins, you're kind of focused on that. I'm, I'm with you there. If I am the one doing most of the work, my, my mind, I might be making noise.

I might not be, I don't know. I'm not, that is not something I'm thinking about. I think like I'm definitely far noisier if say, you know, someone's like, you know,

you can't move and it's my turn and i'm gonna fucking pleasure the hell out of you i'll definitely be more noisy if i'm just lying there and they're going crazy on my dick you know what i mean because it's all about me and i think a lot of the time i would be the one taking the like charge and shit so therefore i'm focused and i'm not really making noise but if it's all about, it's I definitely get noisier for sure. Yeah. See, and I remember it was like the first or second time I ever got a blowjob. I remember afterwards the, you know, the girl who gave me the blowjob was like, did you enjoy it?

And I was like, yeah. I was like, are you kidding me? I'm like a, you know, 15 year old was like, are you fucking kidding me? I'm like a 15-year-old boy. Of course I fucking enjoyed it. And she's like, okay, well, you just didn't make any noise. And I think at that point I realized, oh, yeah, that'd be fucking weird. I would hate that if I was doing anything. I love when women make noises, obviously, within a certain level.

Yeah, authentic. When they're authentic. Yeah, exactly. I was going to say something about volume, but I think that even plays into authenticity. within a certain you know yeah authentic when they're authentic yeah exactly i was gonna say something about volume but like i think that even plays into authenticity i just have i've told you about that one traumatic person that would just roar and scream and it was terrible but i love noises because they're really gratifying and also it's like you know when you do something that's particularly good you can keep doing it and like it's it's great so i do yeah i do kind of understand why this person wants wants a little bit more noise in their life i was lucky

that this happened very very early in my sexual career that i made it a point to you know mentally clock in and be like oh am i showing signs that i'm enjoying this and even if you're not a big panther or a moaner you know the occasional like i i tend to say fuck a lot or a holy fuck you know what i mean like we're not saying fuck in this episode though remember we're not fucking cursing dude but like there's no harm in telling your partner that it feels good a hundred percent or that they're doing a great job you know what i mean like there are things that you can say that aren't necessarily like moans and groans and grunts of of pleasure but you can still make verbal sounds of like you're doing a good job like i'm enjoying this yeah it's just like fuck that feels good

exactly there's something about getting verbal feedback like if i was going down on someone and i was getting nothing i i would spiral i think i i wouldn't know what the fuck to do I'd be like are you enjoying this am I doing a great job are you like are you dead have you passed out what's happened yeah it would definitely take me out of it and also like you wouldn't know when you've really hit that good rhythm because like everyone has their own different clit rhythm you know so it's like if you're really getting it good you know so if you didn you didn't know, you'd be like, damn, I guess I'm going slower. No, faster, harder, left to right. Pulling that head up more, putting it down more.

God, fuck, you just hate it all. Someone disconnected your clip. I remember I was with a woman who she like pretty much just held her breath when she started to really enjoy something. And so I remember there was a point where I was going and I was just like, I stopped. I was just like, are you enjoying this? And was like keep going i was like oh jesus and i didn't realize that like she was mid or like just about to come and i was like oh sorry um i was like oh cool when you go quiet you're really enjoying it and like that's all part of like finding out about a a partner like and and a lot of that comes from their their cues and a lot

of their cues come from you know sounds and noises that they make you know or the lack thereof in this situation and i learned with her i would watch she would you know her arms would go down to her sides and she would clutch onto the bed or whatever we were on and i was like okay i'm doing a good job when i see that when the noises stop and i see that i know i'm i know i'm getting there we're doing it but like if if i did i wasn't aware of that it's rare that I sort of check my peripheral while I'm going down on someone. So for me, the first couple of times, I was just like, I don't know. Did I lose it?

Yeah. I've definitely been with people who have less kind of exhaustive, expressive, just explosive expressions. It can take some, some fine tuning, but at the same time, I do understand that like a lot of people, you know, being vocal kind of takes them out of it. So I think like in this situation, if that's the thing, if, if it's that you are concerned about how well you're doing or whatever, you know, maybe like talk to your partner and just be like, Hey, like, you know, you're, you're kind of quiet when we, you know, have sex. Like, is it that you, is there stuff I could do?

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Cause for me, it just like, I wonder sometimes whether I'm doing the right thing or if you're enjoying it. And like, once they know that, then maybe they can, you know, be like, Oh, this feels really good because I think that might solve it. But I don't think it's fair to try to get someone who's not vocal to be really vocal if they don't want to yeah you can also ask for like verbal affirmations as opposed to being like i want you like i want to hear you moan more because like if if that's not your thing

it's gonna be weird yeah like i think if you are a very silent person think about what we said today and like you know maybe there's definitely no harm in just letting your partner do know that they're doing a good job right yeah but at the same time you can't just be like oh i'd like to tailor my sexual experience so that you are allowed you know because if it's not natural it's going to ruin sex for them you know there's a few things that are fucking weirder to hear than i forced to moan yeah that's another thing because you're going to ruin their experience by making them do stuff they don't want to do and taking them out of it but you're gonna ruin your

own because it's gonna be weird oh yeah baby so again there's no harm in like if you like hearing him say things like that stop sucking his dick for three seconds and be like you know ask him a question ask him if you like you want to or he wants you to keep going or something and he's gonna say yes yeah just like how does that feel yeah you like it when i suck your dick there's so many things you can do to get verbal cues if you're with someone who is and let's face it i'm sure most guys are very reserved in their noise making yeah i i do think again like it's interesting that you mentioned the the socialization thing because i don't know here's my theory nine times out of ten when you watch porn the dude is just the dick yeah right so like that's why he doesn't speak or anything

it's like just pretend you're not there and when in in porn where the dude is vocal in terms of like grunting or moaning or groaning nine times out of ten the comments of that video are like this guy needs to shut the fuck up right so like i'm wondering how much that plays into it of people like one guys being like oh that's what i sound like and two oh people are annoyed about that despite the fact that the people who are commenting are probably other dudes who don't want to hear another dude so like it doesn't really like pan out yeah it's interesting but there's, there's ways to get around it if you want more vocalization, but don't try to change people. Uh, this is by throw our a M R B S. My sister-in-law told my husband I was pregnant before I did. And I think my marriage might be over. I found out I was pregnant a month ago.

I've been staying with my parents for the past year when sister-in-law, my brother's wife was the first person to find out because she was there when I took the test, I asked her not to tell anyone because I wasn't sure what I was going to do. My husband of eight years and I have been separated for the past year, but we've been working on repairing our relationship for the past three months. Since it's still early days for us, I wasn't sure how my husband would react, so it took me some time to muster up the courage to tell him. I finally told him a week ago and he was furious at me. My sister-in-law had already told him the same day I took the test, but she made it seem like I was going to secretly abort without telling him. So he spent the whole month silently

stewing and waiting to see what I did. He doesn't believe I was always planning to tell him. Since I was the person who initiated the separation and my husband made it clear he wanted me to move back home when we started working on things, I thought if I asked to move back home it would help, but it hasn't. He barely speaks to me and things are almost as bad as when i first left i honestly don't know what to do i never wanted to end my marriage in the first place and separating was basically my last ditch effort to make him realize i was miserable i doubt it would work again and even if it did i didn't want to make it i don't want to make it the norm is there anything else i can do to fix this to be fair when she said that like she didn't know what she was going to do i did assume that it was the question there was whether to keep the child or not yeah so like i

could i understand why this you know the the sister-in-law thought that again not her fucking place to say anything no but it's very snaky yeah i understand why she might have construed you being like oh i'm not sure what i'm going to do yet as that. Now you flip it into the other side of being like, now the husband doesn't believe you that you're always going to keep it. You know, we've said it a thousand fucking times. Trust is the foundation of every good relationship. If you don't have trust, it doesn't matter how great you communicate.

If you don't trust what the person is saying, then it means fucking nothing. And this, he doesn't trust you. Just straight up does not trust you and is now ignoring you but wants to keep his marriage going it makes no fucking sense now what do you think about her not telling him for a month yeah again i don't know i don't know what the point of that was again if you weren't going to keep the kid you know i can understand the hesitancy there sure but like if your intention was always to have the kid i don't understand how in your mind where you were like oh i don't know how he's going to react but maybe if i wait x amount of time it this news will go over better because it just seems like you kept it from him you know what i mean like if if the point of this kid or or if the you know the turning point of this

this pregnancy is i don't know how he's going to react and he might hate this that's not a great situation to one base your the the second attempt of your marriage or the way to raise a kid yeah also like if that's your thought it's not going to get better when he finds out you've kept it for him for a month yeah on top of the fact that it's like if you guys are this fragmented and you're not living together and all this shit if he finds out and then does the math and it's an eight month pregnancy maybe he'll be like wait what the fuck you know what i mean like there doesn't seem to me like there's any reason to keep it from him but like you guys are clearly rocky and things aren't great so if this happens what's to stop him from

being like wait is it my baby? You know, et cetera. There's a bunch of shit. That seems like a terrible idea. Also, even just the whole like, we'll separate, even though I'm not going to like, I guess maybe it was like a warning shot to see if he'd like wise up or whatever.

Yeah, it's, you know, the shot went over his head and he's still running at you. So yeah, there isn't really any, any option here. If, if that started to make things work and then this fucked it all back up, it's like you did kind of the nuclear option and it didn't really pan out. So it's like,

what's left now is to leave, I guess, you know what I mean? I'm assuming you guys have talked, you know, if you haven't talked, this is very bad, but it's like really what other options are there?

Like, if things are so bad, he found out a month ago and tested you for a whole month. You know what I mean? And like, silently stewed and got all bitter and shitty. Like, that's not the that's not the act of a partner. You know what I mean? This all sounds like you've been dating for or you had a one night stand and you didn't want to tell him. So you wait a month and he found out, but hoped it wasn't true and still wants. And, you know, like, this sounds like you guys just met and handled this shit not that you've been dating for eight or married for eight years and are handling it terribly you

know what i mean you shouldn't be doing this badly after eight years it sounds like you guys are in one of those i don't know if you ever did it but like the improv games where you have to do the power struggle and you're constantly like so like in improv there's like you know the the balance of power is like a big thing and like how you construct a scene and like when you're learning that you do a thing where like one character sits one character stands as the balance shifts and it sounds like they're doing this in the like the sense of like you had the power of knowing this secret and then he got the power so he held on to it as long as he could until you had the power of like revealing it again. And then he was like, but I already knew.

You're essentially playing like fucking shitty Uno with a kid's life. Yeah. And your own lives and your marriage. And I guess your sister-in-law sounds like an asshole. I don't know what that whole thing is. She's the one playing the pickup floor card. Yeah. She's just like fucking the joker

some men just want to watch the world burn i'm always hesitant to give too strong of an advice when there's kids involved because i've i'm not a father and i don't know how that all would play out i don't particularly want to be a father so i don't know how i would pan this out because things get fucking harder when you introduce the life of another human being, which you have done. It's much easier to break up with someone or end a marriage when you don't also have to be like, oh, but I'm going to have to raise this kid with him. Potentially. But at the same time, I think living in a toxic, horrible marriage, that's also shit for the kid. I feel like at least if you separate, you're both able to come to the kid kind of like on your own terms.

You know what I mean? Even if it's a shitty toxicity between you two, it's not right there before them every day with the added bitterness of being forced to stay in a marriage neither of you want. I know it's tough, but I don't think there's any situation where a kid is like, man, I'm so glad my parents stayed together and hated each other our entire lives and kind of took it out on me either indirectly or directly. I'm so glad that these stayed together and hated each other our entire lives and kind of took it out on me, either indirectly or directly. I'm so glad that these dinners are the fucking worst that I have to do for 18 years of my life. I really enjoyed growing up as a pawn in this shitty improv game they're playing. If you guys haven't already had The Chat, capital letters, you need to fucking have it.

There's no pussyfooting around this shit, you know what I mean? There's no, like, can we say that? Is that bad that bad what i'm pretty sure it's a cat thing right yeah i don't know i haven't used that term in a long time and i was just like yeah i'm pretty sure it's like when cats are like slowly creeping around i don't think that's pussyfooting yeah you know when they're on like on the counter and they don't they know they're not really supposed to be up there yeah i would assume so, anyway, I'm sure it's fine. You know, like if you guys like, there's nothing to hold back. You know what I mean?

I feel like a lot of the times people, they don't want to like bear at all or have these conversations or whatever. It's like, you really need to get out there because if you haven't already, this is your last chance. And if you have, you kind of have the choice of you deal with this terrible relationship that you clearly hate or you leave. And it's as simple as that. And I don't see many reasons why the choice of you deal with this terrible relationship that you clearly hate or you leave and it's as simple as that and i don't see many reasons why you should have to deal with this terrible relationship that you clearly hate yeah it's it's the same reason why a lot of people stay in shitty relationships and not abusive i'm not talking about abusive

relationships because there's a whole laundry list of other reasons why but a lot of people are afraid to you know quote unquote waste eight years of their life some cost fallacy right and on top of that it's like and hey i fucking get it it's absolutely terrifying to step out into the unknown and lose like your support structure and start drama with your friend group and your friends and him and his family and your kid and like your marriage and fucking everything like i get it it's absolutely terrifying and it's it's terrible and it's scary but people terrible and it's scary, but people do it. You know what I mean? People do it all the time. And on top of that, is it worse than forever in this misery? Exactly. Like, and that's the thing, like I'm by no means, I don't want to sound like I'm making

it seem like either an easy decision or once you've made that decision and easy process, cause like I've, you know, I haven't done it, but I, I had an apartment with my ex and that was fucking hell. You know what I mean? and that was nothing compared to a family and a marriage and everything but it sucked so I get at least a little bit of it and it's it's like hell but it's a very intense short-lived hell as opposed to a long arduous lifetime of hell you know yeah it's never worth it I don't think to stay in a bad situation even if the immediate option is is pretty shit itself when you're ending this you need to make the agreement of being like hey this isn't working but if we're going to raise this kid together we need to get on

the same page of being like this kid is not a tool to use against each other you can fucking hate my guts for the rest of your life that's fine but we will not use our kid to hurt each other. And I think that is sort of like the most important thing you need to really hammer home and be like, that's not what this kid is. This kid is going to be loved by both of us. And it doesn't matter how we feel about each other, because it's I've seen it so much growing up where, you know, the kid was caught in the middle of being like, you know, the tug of war and whoever, you know, had the kid on their side going back to the improv game got to stand up and it sucks for everyone i literally heard a guy in my building talking to his like three or four

year old kid while walking down to the shops being like daddy would love to come home but mommy doesn't love him anymore and she won't let him yeah i was like fuck you dude um but also maybe if things are this bad use a condom yeah yeah like i separate advice but anyway all right i think that's it that's it um at the end of the episode we'd like to peruse tinder or other online dating services and find a profile so i either nail it or just absolutely fuck it up i mean frick it up um and we don't have a whole lot of time but we'll do a couple of them right now for you and try to find some red flags i have three really short ones let's do it okay so we have vida just got out of a 10-year toxic relationship meeting new people that's it that's it this is not good that's terrible you're like hey i've baggage

and also i'm boring i have all sorts of trauma that I probably haven't dealt with. Anyway, who wants to hang out? Yeah, like, we know absolutely nothing about you, and we don't need to know you're just out of a 10-year toxic relationship. If you're looking for something casual, this seems like you're all sorts of trouble, and there's absolutely nothing balancing it positively. So that's like a one for me. I'm going to give it a one as well.

This is Floor. How do you feel about abortions? Catholic school graduate looking for redemption. Foodie, homeowner, bath bomb enthusiast. Wild way to open that, right? The Catholic school thing and asking for redemption. Like that makes me so nervous. Yeah, I don't know which side they're on.

I don't know how they feel about abortions. Yeah, I don't know which side they're on. I don't know how they feel about abortions. Yeah, I don't know. Like the redemption thing makes me think that like maybe they had an abortion and need to like atone for their sins, which is a real shit way to like, I don't know. I don't like it. Also, I think talking about abortions, abortions are such a private and chromatic experience for people and to flippantly discuss it on like social media and dating is such a fucking weird thing to do and I absolutely

hate it like you don't know people's relationship with that kind of thing you know what I mean so your you know bullshit like I don't believe in it it's like great but like some people didn't have a choice yeah so fucking leave it that's the thing I don't understand this it's like great but like some people didn't have a choice yeah so fucking leave it that's the thing i don't understand this it's like if you are just trying to figure out where someone lies politically

there are other ways to do it that aren't as in your face kind of and it also just like i don't know it's it's a one for me it's very confusing yeah i hate it also one and then lastly we have court and this is one of those like hinge snippets. I know I found the one when he surprised me with tickets to a Leafs game. Go Leafs go. Also, if you join my volleyball team, those who play together stay together. And then there's three emojis. It's hard eyes equals a cop emoji or a firefighter emoji.

Okay. So they like a man in uniform, I guess is that last bit? Or blue lives matter. No. Yeah. I assume it's um like a man in uniform i guess it's that last bit or blue lives matter no yeah i assume it's i like a man in uniform i don't mind the volleyball thing i i mean like you know fuck it i i don't care i don't think she's necessarily being like buy me leafs tickets i think she's just saying she's into sports see i don't know because leaf sticks are fucking expensive as shit yeah so it's like if you just think so like oh i didn't surprise you it's 500 it's like i feel like it's a weird thing whether they mean that or not it's making me think this person is a little shitty it's it's tough to say because

like it could literally they might be making the joke of how expensive leaf tickets are you know what i mean like that might be part of the the thing being like hey you know i mean like the same way someone would be like hey if you want to buy me a lamborghini i'll get along with you real good yeah but even then if i saw someone post put that on their profile i would still think they're a shitty gold digger yeah i guess i don't know i i don't really care one way or the other so i'm giving it a five i i will say it is only a snippet like i just got a screenshot of this one uh sent into us so for all i know the rest of the profile like makes their personality more clear and you know it's a joke or you know that's what they want so it's hard to tell i'm gonna give it a five as well because i'm i have my doubts but

it's not fatal thank you very much for listening that's gonna do it for us today um we are actually really really hyped about these nominations it's a really really cool honor um everyone who's been nominated with us is also incredible so it's it sounds cliche but we're happy just to be in the in the party you know what i mean 100 you know i never i always thought like that oh i'd be just happy to be nominated was kind of bullshit but hey that's us right now yeah it turns out turns out it is actually pretty cool just to get nominated yeah having a little like uh professional like logo of us being nominated said to us this morning it's really cool you know you can see it on all our social media right now

and a big part of that is because you guys and we do it because you guys are awesome and i think the amount of effort that we both put into it is indicative of the, of the love we get back. Um, and the, the amount of like, it just makes us want to work harder.

Um, so thank you very much for, for supporting us and hanging out with us and listening to us and sharing us. It means the world to us. And, uh, hopefully we can take you on this real cool ride we're on.

Yeah. Uh, if anyone is themselves a Canadian podcaster and you want to go to canpodawards.ca and vote for us, that would be incredible. And if you've been nominated as well, let us know. We'd love to return the favor. As long as you're not in education or adult. Oh God, no.

Then we're crushing you. Then we will break your knees. Niall will poke your testicle with a tattoo needle. Oh no. Oh, no. Also, thank you to everyone who sent us in really nice messages over the week after the vaccine news. Especially a bunch of people from the Philippines sent us in. And I don't know, we've said it once. But goddammit, if I won't say it again, you guys are the best.

We will come to the Philippines and we will have the biggest party and all the hugs. As soon as we can do those things safely. A hundred percent. If you would like to reach out to us and, uh, you know, send us a message, say hello, ask us a question.

We are kind of a big deal in the education scene here, so we can answer your questions and you can feel good about it. Um, you can just hit us up at F buddies, podcast.com. There's a contact form you can feel good about it um you can just hit us up at fbuddiespodcast.com there's a contact form you can fill out you can find all our social media there you can reach out to us on any platform we will get back to you and we will answer your question as soon as possible oh yeah thank you to josh eagle and the harvest cities for their song paper stars and yeah we got some i got two for bad sex writing one's very quick and one's also pretty quick cool

um but i just saw this on twitter and it was so christine hall at christine comedy who's a co-host of the podcast moms are not funny uh posted up saying got shamed on tiktok for having a belly and it's like a sad face a lot went into that damn it anyway thanks twitter for loving all the curves heart tiktok looks cutesy wootsy but they will cut a bitch um and a lot of people were supporting them and one of the first comments i saw was i won't read their name if we're shaming them i guess but they say i don't even know that you have a belly honestly my eyes never get that far down on you i get distracted easily by soft bouncy things nice why no does this man think that after her boobs there she just ends i can only assume there's just a blank spot where her belly could be he doesn't know it's

schrodinger's belly someone's like oh man so like this girl was running down the street and he was like how do you know they're like well it's like i've never gotten that far down what happens after the boobs i need you to tell me what happened. I know this one. I don't know where it's from, but it's horrendous. Her cunt slushy sounds became increasingly slushier and slushier, as his fist pounded in and out, in and out, in and out. It was an odd sound, a sound that if one did not know better,

would have been indistinguishable from hot macaroni and cheese being vigorously turned with a wooden spoon. Is it fucked up I know exactly what he means by that sound? You know what? Terrible writing, but a perfect simile, because yes. Yeah, yeah, I can hear it. And I'm a little hungry

and a little nauseous at the same time. Let me tell you, I can also smell it. My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niles Payne. And we have been your fuck buddies. Fuck you.