F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 157 - First Date Nude Swap

Episode Date: October 4, 2021

After a month of the most chaotic recording schedule we've ever had, we're finally settling back into our proper rhythm, so sit back and expand your brains with this week's dose of dating and sex advice.  Topics include the 1-10 hottest scale, how much space do you give when they need space, sharing your ex's nudes with your first date, how to be hit in the face with literally every red flag ever, looking for intimacy through sex and a whole new slew of dating profiles.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller And I'm Mal Spain, and we're your fuck buddies We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations. Simply put, we find questions about sex and dating either online or through our wonderful listeners and we answer them together collaboratively for you and your ears.

On this podcast. On this podcast. We do it with our mouths. With these mics. In this room. And this computer. These computers these computers even and my axe on the my bull i don't know why like it was a scottish now but i watched that remake they just like race swap all the characters yes because scottish is a race well that's what the dwarves sound like oh wow you wow. You're going to pigeonhole them now, huh?

Yeah. It'd be kind of weird to see a dwarf with a very proper British RP accent. But I'd like it. Play against those stereotypes. Hey, if you're a dwarf out there who thinks you have to be Scottish, you don't have to be Scottish. You can be whatever you want.

Now, I was Scottish in our tang when I played the dwarf, so thanks. Thanks for calling me out. You can be. I'm just saying was scottish in our tang when i played the dwarf so thanks thanks for calling me out ah you can be i'm just saying you don't have to be hey thanks you're welcome want to do some questions yeah you ready yeah this is happy runner guys who rate women out of 10 27 year old female here just wondering how common this behavior is matched with a 33 year old male on tinder and one of the first things he said to me was wow Just wondering how common this behavior is. So he turned out to be very overweight, which was not shown in his pictures, and was just wearing old casual clothes that didn't fit well. I was a bit upset because it was somewhere fancy. Oh, it was a somewhat fancy restaurant.

His idea, and he told me to dress up. And I spent a lot of time in my hair, dress, and makeup. He again talked about me being out of his league. Again, being fairly new to online dating, I decided to give him a chance and see if we can have chemistry in person. The date was going okay. The conversation was flowing, and I shared that I had an eating disorder in my teens when I was a track athlete. If it matters, I'm still very fit and

slim, though not underweight. This guy then decides to pull out his phone and show me the example of a girl who is a 10 with a perfect body, and it was a nude pic. I cut the date short and left. He seems to be blowing up my phone about how he's just honest, that the X out of 10 thing is just how guys think, and that he was trying to help me feel better about myself and i should stop being so insecure and shallow i mean i can see some guys are more physically my type than others but i've never thought of rating them out of 10 i don't know anyone else who does this is a form of negging have any of you ladies and gents experienced this i mean we joke about like you know a ton of the dead oh damn she's a dime oh damn she's you know what i mean like

but i'm sorry do you call people dimes no i'm saying it's like i don't i don't think like a lot of people i mean i'm sure there are people who do it seriously i mean like obviously there is this guy is doing it seriously but regardless of the rating system like regardless of if if someone is actually in their head you know putting categorical numbers on women to do that out loud with someone is lunacy in my opinion to to physically or to verbally express that out of your to put it like the the things that should stay in your brain and be like hey a human being with feelings and emotions should hear this yeah like they have absolutely no social skills no regard for how you feel

probably no empathy like and then like busting out a naked picture of another woman on a first date is i'm not saying it's it's a bad move because there are some dates like I watched porn at a bar with one of my first dates. Not like really, but like, you know, she pulled out a picture of or she opened her phone and there was like porn on the screen. And I was like, hey, like, I like her, too. So it's like, you know, there's times where this could be a funny thing, but not this way. Not this way at all. This is literally the worst. You're like, oh oh you're talking about

something pretty intimate and you're eating disorder how about i pull out a naked picture and be like this is this girl's a 10 though if you wanted to get two points better this is what you should aim for this one's better than you what the fuck also okay i'm pretty sure we can be fair that the 8 out of 10 thing he said initially probably was him in one sense trying to flatter you and in another sense trying to nag you right like he's saying you're out of my league he's saying you're great but he's also saying you're not that great not perfect though yeah you're you're okay you're up there but you know like i think that was his intent i think we can both agree on that but like what

who has a picture of of a naked woman on phone? Because presumably it's not a woman that he knows or that has sent him this in a flirtation. He probably found this online. Maybe it's a porn star. Maybe an Instagram model or an OnlyFans model or something. You know what I mean? But who has that just ready to go on their phone to be like – Moments notice. And what was the point?

What was the point here? What was he trying to get to? Was he like, hey, one day you could maybe be better like or was he just like yeah you're right you aren't great because this is 10 and that's not you like what is it this isn't this is wild and then at the end of it like i think the picture thing is the worst part of this whole thing without a doubt without a doubt 100 it's wild i think i think like maybe you know maybe he was trying to do a comment being like look how close you are to her this perfect woman you're you're almost there but again not a compliment not not a compliment the whole sort of situation the misleading photos

the like self-depreciation and not a funny way of constantly being like oh you're out of my league you're out of my league yeah don't do that guys the like demand for you to like look pretty for the day hey dress up that's like there's one thing to be like hey just like you know to give someone a heads up of like the dress code of the place but to be like i want you to dress up and do your hair and do your makeup like that's pretty much a given like i've never gone on a date really i mean there have been dates on on dates where like the woman is clearly put in no offer you know be like sweatpants and yeah uh but nine times out of ten like people try to look good on dates that's not something you need to instruct them to do no not at all like there's like courtesy

if you're taking them somewhere like fancy you know so they don't show up and feel embarrassed that they're wearing you know the top and jeans when they should have you know whatever but like that that's courtesy and that also you know is not what's happening here no weirdo but then to show up not matching the effort that's another thing you also have to then match effort you know we talked about actually i guess that was pillow talks you might not know it but in our other secret patreon podcast we had a similar conversation where it's like relationships are give and take and i mean you can't just take i don't remember what this question was about oh the rating scale look so i think let's do it yes yeah people do it men and women i've heard women plenty of times at my bar rate dudes on this this out of 10 or this 10 out of 10 scale.

It's going to happen. Is it good? No. It's super dehumanizing. It's super objectifying. It's super unflattering regardless because even if you tell someone they're a 10 out of 10, you're still saying like you're a number. That can increase and decrease based on arbitrary factors that i have decided in my mind i understand why people do it in a way because it's like it's just like easy shorthand to kind

of just talk about you know attractiveness and i think most people do it to a degree anyway and it's like specifically how you find them attractive you know what i mean like i could be like damn she's a nine out of ten you can be like well she's a four for me because we both have very different attractive you know tastes is it inhumanizing or dehumanizing sure is it a problem not necessarily i do think some people are really into it like if people really take the rating system seriously i think you probably that's a very large red flag because i've met people who are like that and it's like okay dude you need to calm down but i think everything else here is a way bigger red flag yeah yeah the the rating scale i think is the

least of your worries in this situation the rating scales at least has like some root in cultural relevancy you know i mean it's not a a bizarre concept again i'm not sure how he did it but like everything else that this guy is doing the naked picture of another woman on a first date the demanding you dress up the not showing up in an equally you know dressed up fashion the lying about his weight in picture, like misleading pictures, like all of that shit. The like self-deprecation, the lack of empathy, I guess,

because he did this after you unveiled something that was pretty personal and like, I'm sure intense. You know what I mean? Like, and then blowing up your phone and being a shit bag. So it's like just red flag after red flag after red flag. If people do the things he's done, yeet them to the wayside.

And good for you for being like, you know what? I'll give this state a chance. Because for me, the second someone lies about their, their appearance or shows old photos or, and it has nothing to do with like, Oh,

you're, you're heavier. It's more to do with the fact that like you lied about something that is going to be very obvious that you lied about. if you're going to lie about that what are the things you are lying about that i can't immediately prove with my eyes and that's like that's such a shitty way to start a relationship so the fact that you were like well let's give this chance good for you you gave him a fair shake he fucked it up spectacularly you do not need to feel bad about cutting this dude loose. Yeah, he gone.

Get rid of him. And guys, don't keep a little fucking naked picture in your phone holster and whip it out. What are you doing? What are you doing? Don't save other people's nudes. If they send it to you, great. You know what I mean? But don't put it on your phone.

Who knows what's going to happen to your phone? You don't have the right to fucking redistribute other people's nudes they sent it to you as a privacy and as a you know a confident act in which they wanted to share privately with you it is not for you to show other people and that goes for like even

like OnlyFans accounts and shit like that you paid for it you gave them money in exchange for this picture don't go showing it to people for free. That fucking sucks. And don't make money off it either, because it kind of sounds like that's what Zane's suggesting. Yes. Don't show them for free.

Charge them. Steal their stuff. Make more money off it than them. This comes from Reddit user Bergens Bannon. How long would you wait before you reach out when someone says they need space i started to fall for this woman i've been on three dates with over two weeks after years of dating this is the best feeling i gotta do the math three dates over two weeks three dates two weeks years of dating years of dating i think is like he's been dating for years okay it's a very strange sentence because i also thought it was yeah was, yeah. No, it sounded like, you know,

there are three trains leaving on two tracks from years of dating. The city. This is the best feeling I've had about someone. Our dates have lasted between four to six hours, and we have spent a number of nights talking via text for hours. Then, I asked to confirm date four, which we had agreed on the day before.

She said she couldn't anymore because she needed some space and was worn down i said it was okay and i understood it's been three days now and i haven't heard anything from her i haven't asked how she was or i haven't asked how she was doing or sent any messages because i want to respect her space but at the same time i'm super uneasy while i wait part of me thinks i'm about to get ghosted how long would you normally wait before reaching out in this situation man it makes me really sad that he's like oh we have these great dates and she's like i'm worn down i need time it's like oh no i mean i'm hoping they're they're independent they're like you know they're not

correlated i know it's just like in the context of like give it like we don't have any other context that's all we've been given so it just sounds like he's there and she's just like jesus i can't deal with it anymore i'd love to know like yeah so did she i'd love to know if she provided a reason as to being worn down you know what i mean or like what she needs a break from because that i think is integral to our answer here like three days is nothing. Do not message her. I would wait at least a week. Yeah.

I think a week is a solid time to wait. And then you reach out and be like, Hey, you know, just touching base. Like, I don't really know what you ask at this point. Just be like, how are you feeling?

Yes. I think you need to keep it about her and not about that. Like, don't ask me like, Hey, so I'd love to see you again. Don't do that. Just reach out to them and be concerned about you know i mean like someone being like i'm so worn down i need a break from everything is a is a pretty serious thing and

regardless of whether she's ghosting you or you know making something up or making an excuse like you don't know so the best thing to do is just assume that what she's saying is honest and legit. And like you said, I think a week is a great amount of time to send a message just being like, hey, I really hope you're feeling better. If you need to talk about anything, just know that I'm here. Otherwise, you know, take care of yourself. That, you know what I mean? It shows that you're concerned. It opens the door for her to send you a message back. And it also that like from here on out i this is it yeah and on top of that

it's like you've given them a week but then which i think again perfect amount of time and you reaching back in hasn't been needy hasn't been weird it's like a positive like reaching in still respecting you opening the door if you need it but you know otherwise you're kind of just letting them know their interests and i think after that you just gotta if they contact you you can move on you can keep going with it but otherwise i think that's it right yeah absolutely and like it's not even a matter of like being ghosted or anything you know i mean it's like it's also an indication of like if they wanted to keep seeing you they would find a means to do it but if you don't know what they're dealing with it's a fairly new relationship it's a very new

relationship so like you have no idea what what's going on in the background of her life so it might just be one of those things where like she's gone on what three dates with you that's not really enough to sort of give you a whole background as to why she's not going to keep seeing you yeah fortunately we've talked about it before where it's like closure doesn't really exist and if this woman has a bunch of shit on her plate she doesn't really need to tell the dude that she's gone on three dates with a hundred percent she needs to move on she owes you no explanation like she's been nice enough to tell you that there's space and like a surefire way to fuck it up is not to respect

that right yeah so you got to make sure that you 100 respect that wait a week reach out be polite care about her and you know you've done all you can do and it sucks if she doesn't get back to you but again like she owes you no more than that necessarily yeah i think the message required like you need to reach out or if you're going to reach out you need to make it specifically about her and her well-being you need to offer a line of communication of being like if you need to talk about anything i'm here to bounce ideas off of or or your feelings or whatever i'm happy to listen and then you need to reaffirm that like this is the one and only message and that any other contact

will be her responsibility along the same lines of like you know if you need anything please reach out you know i hope you're doing okay and just leave it at that and then be like you know wash your hands of it you've done a great service you've but like the one thing you have to make sure you don't do is make it about like i would love to see you again like don't say that shit because that that's making it about you that's making about her time for space about your like you're almost saying if i got that message it would almost seem as you being like i my or my desire to see you kind of supersedes your need for space or your need for like comfort or like safety or anything because like that's why

you need the space right it's like i care more about how i feel than how you feel uh when are you getting over your shit so you can come service me yeah um which you don't want so number one thing do not ignore the request for space they were kind enough to be straight up and talk to you because again they could have just ghosted you if that was what they wanted to do. So the surefire way to fuck this up is to ignore the space and either bombard them or, what Dane said, make it about

yourself. So after a week, reach out, be concerned, which hopefully you are legitimately, because you should be. Be nice and give them the opportunity to talk to you if they want to and if they don't take it that's you know it's a pity but it's fine right you don't really know what they're dealing with so don't don't be a dick are you ready yep uh no title i'm not reading it

this is wiggly wood 59 last night i 28 year old female went out with a guy from work 37 year old male he took me to a comedy show and we went out for drinks after we've been talking for a few weeks now, and we were having a good time. We were a few drinks deep, and at the bar, he randomly says, Want to see a picture of my ex? I'm a bit taken aback, but I say, Yeah, sure. He proceeds to take out his phone and show me a picture of a female from the stomach down, totally naked and only has heels on. She's crossing one leg across the other so her vagina isn't fully exposed.

I look at him and say, Are you serious right now? I'm not sure what kind of response he was looking for, but I was disgusted and weirded out. He sees a look on my face and goes, what? It's a good picture. I took it. Don't worry, I'll delete it. Meanwhile, I'm flabbergasted. I say, I don't care what you do. I just don't think that's something you show to someone on a date ever. He says, yeah, you're right, and starts to apologize. At this point, I'm weirded out, turned off, and ask him to take me home. He tries to get me to invite him into my apartment. I tell him I'm sorry, but he's ruined any chance he had with me. I'm bummed because

the date was going well. I had a big crush on him, but now I feel gross. Definite red flag. Not sure why he has that picture. They broke up two years ago. Had to share the story because I can't comprehend he actually did that. I don't think we'll be ever talking or going out again. I hope this isn't a normal thing people do?

And this is he showed me a nude of his ex on our date what is with this this current trend of right showing people pictures of other other naked people on dates it feels like there's an evil podcast out there that's like the opposite of us that are like telling people to do this and we're just trying to like put out the fires that they've started because like this shouldn't be a thing we talk about twice in like a year let alone in an episode right i don't get it and like i said like there's times where if if i was seeing someone who's in like a non-monogamous relationship and you're chill and you're you're you know you're you're on board with everything and they're like for whatever reason it comes like sharing pictures of your partner like your primary partner comes up okay like sure as long as everyone's on board

with it but to be in in a more traditional setting of like you know by everyone you also mean the partners here right yes because like showing someone well someone else's fucking nude not cool in this scenario i'm i'm not talking about it i just mean like you know this you know this is my partner yeah but like i feel like it pictures okay yes yes but it's like like their consent is always like always needed yeah someone. Someone's like, hey, yeah, you can show my nude to that person. Yeah, I guess that's fine. But like you can't go around showing people nudes of your exes.

Yeah, it's like the none of this makes sense. And I could talk about all the things that don't make sense. Don't do this. Do not do not show other people pictures of your partner

or anyone that has ever sent you a nude. Those nudes are for you they if they wanted everyone to see them they'd be on instagram or they would post them publicly you know what i mean but they didn't presumably so don't show them to anyone it's not your responsibility it's not your right there is like nile said a level of consent that you need to share nudes and if you don't have it don't do it now it's illegal in a lot of places on the flip side if you're on a date just assume they don't want to

see naked pictures of another person yeah like the other question pretty fucked up we can assume it is not in fact someone they were with maybe just by the way it was phrased but this is even worse because it's like here's a person i'm showing you without their consent who's like intimate with me and blah blah blah blah and then like it's just so much worse and they're both garbage don't do it i never thought we'd have to say this but this is not a first date move guys no it's it's not an any date move it's just not a move don't do it ever not a move it's not a move. No. Yeah, that's fucking wild.

I'd love to know if this is like a thing. Does this happen a lot or is it just a coincidence that these two kind of showed up at the same time? I don't know. And both questions were posted within the last three weeks. These aren't old questions. It's not like I had one from years ago and another one. I was like, finally, I can ruin's episode it's i i would love to know like what was the plan like what was

what reaction was he hoping to get was she was he was hoping that she would be like damn she's sexy like give her a call let's have a threesome because like also she is your ex maybe it was like a nagging thing where it's like i'm i'm as hot as that or like i oh you get really hot girls like damn i should feel like lucky or maybe it's just like damn you're really good at photography i should get naked like you take pictures of me maybe maybe i don't know either way this person seems very disconnected with reality and like to even be like, Oh, don't worry. I'll delete it.

It's like, what? It's like, yeah, it's like, that's not the issue, buddy. It's not the issue.

And obviously I don't believe you. Cause I'm sure you said that to her when you guys broke up too. Yeah. Two years ago. Yeah. It just like, just guys don't do this. Don't do it.

Just don't guys. Come on. This comes from Reddit user Laura Rabinsky. Am I getting myself into an abusive relationship? Me, an 18-year-old female, and this guy, a 21-year-old male, have been seeing each other. We went on a few

dates. He's everything I've ever dreamed of. He paid for all the dates, never asked to do anything sexual. One day, he told me before we make our relationship official, he wanted to set some ground rules. He said I can't have any social media apps i can't have any male friends and that i needed to quit work because he can pay for my expenses i told him that he's being controlling but he got upset and said that he just isn't comfortable with me having male friends in social media now i was worried too about the fact that it could be an abusive relationship but like when she brought it up

to him and he disproved it by getting upset I was close and when he said that like well I don't want you to have these things exactly I mean can't argue with that yeah this is the worst

run like literally turn and run I don't care what's behind you because even if it's like a cliff or a train it's gonna be about as good as a relationship with this person honestly probably safer probably safer yeah because at least that's that's quick there might be like you know deep water at the bottom of that cliff and there might be like a big bouncy castle stapled to the front of that train but there's no there's none of these

with this man because we know that this is a garbage hellfire waiting to rain down on your entire life to the point where you're like damn I've invested so much of my life that I finally realized how abusive and terrible this is but at this point he's cut off my family friends self confidence my job.

Maybe job, maybe money. You're monetarily tied to him. Man, it's like he read the manipulative abuser's guide, but also has no patience. He's like, can you just get rid of social media and add a job this week, please? I don't have two years like my good friend abuser mark has told me to do gaslighting takes so long oh i hate can we just speed run this bitch people it takes so much effort can you just do it today please hey hey i know you don't want to i know you think this is controlling but i don't think it is i'm telling you it isn't. Angrily. That's got to count for something, right? What you're feeling isn't true.

Yeah, I don't... Oh, there's the gaslighting. Damn it. I didn't want to do this, but... This... It's so bad. It's all so bad already. It got so bad so quick.

Run! I don't understand. Like, this is what frustrates me about this show is... How is this a question? Yeah. Why do you need confirmation from strangers to know that this is a bad idea? Yeah. He's literally saying, I don't want you to have contact with anyone.

I don't want you to have any male friends and I want you to be completely and solely dependent on me. Well, like the funny part is any of these in isolation is garbage and we'd be saying the same thing right like if someone's like hey you can't have apps it's like what like if you don't want to have an app like social media apps that's fine but like most people who even want to do that can't because you're out of the you're off the loop you're out of the grid what am i talking about i'm mixing up all my metaphors now you You're fucked. You can't connect with people. You can't listen to beautiful podcasts. You can't see my awkward tweets.

Who wants that? Nobody. And I assume when he says that, like, he's not just talking about on your phone. I assume it's just like delete your Facebook account. Delete. Oh, yeah. Delete your Instagram account. Like you have no outside contact with anyone.

Like, so it's like, is he cool with you texting people? Is that all right? And if he is, it won't last. I don i don't think no it'll be like a week and he's like you don't need a phone yeah that maybe maybe a few hours because he's like just rapidly going through these like speed reading this bug me like oh shit it's time to take your phone thank you yeah it just it just really upsets me it's like friends please please take four seconds to get your head out of your ass and not be fucking starstruck by this very handsome man who's asking you to do the most terrible shit.

Don't fall for this. You're better than this. You're smarter than this. You don't need to go to Reddit for confirmation that this is a bad idea. You don't. You know. The reason you're going to Reddit is because you know what for confirmation that this is a bad idea you don't you know the reason you're going to reddit is because you know what a terrible idea this is and you're hoping that someone will

talk you out of it so you can still you know have handsome dreamy boyfriend who's gonna pay for all your shit this is stupid don't be stupid yeah you know what's not worth having all your shit paid for not having a life yeah you should be allowed to have male friends. Like, not even, like, you should be. Like, you have to be allowed to. You have to be allowed to have social media if you want it. You have to be allowed to work if you want it. This is all so bad. There's, like, no even point to arguing against what he's saying.

The act of being like, you should be allowed to work if you have to. That's not something you should be told. Or need to be told. he's saying. The act of being like, you should be allowed to work if you have to. That's not something you should be told or need to be told. It's 2021. You're not fighting for your right to work. You're not fighting for your right to vote. Those have been won. Anyone trying to take that away from you is not a good person and not someone you should be in a relationship with. If you have to literally be like like i can't go to work because my boyfriend doesn't want me to i can't i can't get on facebook i can't talk to my friends because my this man this complete stranger of a man how long have you known this guy for you went on a few dates yeah no and you're gonna give up your entire life because you went on a few dates with a guy who is handsome.

What the fuck are you talking about? The thing is as well, this isn't one of those things where we're going to say, oh, if you talk to him and you can swing him around or you can talk to him and see things from his perspective or maybe there's a compromise or blah, blah, blah. Even the act of asking these questions means he's so irredeemably shit. You know what I mean? It would be like, so I'm being like, would you mind if I brutally murdered you one day? And you being like, what? And I mean like getting annoyed at you and being like, no, that's not weird. That's not creepy. And then eventually like getting over it and you guys going on with your relationship. That's, he wants to murder you. You know what I mean? This isn't the thing that's going to change this isn't the thing that's going to change isn't the thing that's going to get better this is his view this is how he wants things to be

and the fact that he ever thought that way is fucked and he's never going to not think that way yeah try to find his ex because probably she's dead yeah i just this person is garbage asking someone to do these things is garbage all of them asking someone to not have friends of the opposite gender is awful it's like i think that's one of the ones that people sometimes think is okay it's not anyone who thinks that's okay is a psychopath they're cripplingly insecure and they're a psychopath and they're controlling and they're manipulative and they suck and they hate you yeah all that all that someone who's like i don't want you to have friends who are male or i don't want you to have friends who are male, or I don't want you to have friends that are women.

All that is saying to you, all that is being broadcast to you is I am so jealous and not ready for a relationship. That's all that is saying that like, you don't need to hear anything else. The second someone says, I don't want you to, and then like a basic human,

right. Yeah. Or, you know what i mean a liberty that we we won for people centuries ago or decades ago i guess depending yeah like it's it's just so mind-boggling how how eager people are to make excuses for absolute bullshit like no one if if she read this online. I don't think she would hesitate for a second. You know what I mean.

If this was a third party. Or if this was a friend. I'm sure her first instinct would be like. Get the fuck out of there. But because this is happening to her. And again because this guy has a lot of money. Is probably good looking. She's all fucking doe eyed.

And making stupid choices. Don't do this people. Yeah. Alright. You ready? Yes. This is by Too Cute For This. Is it impossible to get intimacy from men? Sex is not a problem. In my experience, they practically throw it at me. I haven't been hugged, snuggled, or kissed passionately in two years. I just want someone to make love to me and kiss me with passion and play with my hair. They don't even want to spend the night after sex. They all leave like I'm a call girl

or ask me to leave because they are tired. Why is that so bad to want intimacy? I know I deserve it. Dating seems easy and all, but all they want is sex, usually even when I make it clear that's not what I'm after. I'm emotionally drained and lonely.

I feel so alone, even though I'm secure and confident in myself. I just want someone I can be affectionate towards and they reciprocate. Why is that so hard? I don't give into sex right away until I feel a connection, but this still keeps happening. I'm tired. This is tough because I would like to believe everything she's saying at face value. But the phrase that you're confident and secure or whatever she said makes me doubt that and it makes me it may i get the sense that perhaps you as you said sex is being thrown at you that you are chasing sex and attention and anyone who will give it to you

in the hopes of finding this intimacy you're craving and then when you don't get it you're you're like what how could this happen but you're playing the same game over and over again, winning the same prize, which is the only prize from these people, and getting upset that it's not the one that you want. Very possible. Maybe like you have this almost like fairy tale-esque idea of how sex and dating goes down and they're therefore getting really upset if somebody wants to leave after having sex. Like they don't want to spend the night after sex. Leave like I'm a call girl. I think that might be also key to your problem. It's like if somebody wants to leave after sex, that's not you shouldn't take that as this big slap in the face. You shouldn't take it as demeaning you. And you also shouldn't demean sex workers because sex

work is real work. Maybe if you get so upset by that, you cut things off before they start. Because personally, I've had a lot of one night stands or times where I've had sex. And with very few exceptions, I don't necessarily want to spend the night when I've just met someone because often I have work the next day, or I just know I won't be able to sleep or, you know, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. There are a million reasons. And I don't think any of them are bad necessarily because like sleeping is pretty nice and staying over at someone's place only to not sleep, only to have to leave tired the next morning. I don't think it's doing either person a favor. Right.

Especially because I definitely can't sleep when I'm cuddling. Yeah, and it also depends on how it's happening. Are they literally just finishing, peeling the condom on, putting their pants on and leaving? If that's also the case, it's like you do need to reflect on the people you're choosing to sleep with.

If this is the behavior that's become a pattern, then you need to take a moment and be like, all right, I need to make some reflections. Because the likelihood of this being like all men are doing this and this is how all men are. Exactly. I think let's answer that first question. Is it impossible to get intimacy from men? No. Yeah, exactly. There is no blanket statement. Like, it's not that no men are intimate exactly there's there is no blanket statement like it's

not that no men are intimate that's an insane thing to think so let's get that out of the way first i think what you need to do is really double down on this be this secure confident thing because it seems like you're also terrified of being alone and that will make you do stupid things it'll make you make decisions that are based on this insecurity of being alone or this fear of being alone and you will start as we've discussed before squeezing square pegs into round holes and hoping that they are going to satisfy your needs, even though, you know, they probably won't. But you're so you're so desperate to to find this intimacy you're looking for. And now raise a great point of being like, perhaps you are romanticizing this idea of like, you know, what sex looks like on TV where, you know, after you guys have had sex, you're, you know, draped over him and he's playing with your hair. You're trailing fingers up and down each other's skin.

And yeah, like there's candles somehow. Not to say like that's nice to do. I enjoy doing that. You know what I mean? Time and place. But if like are any of these people you're sleeping with and leaving you like a quote unquote call girl, which as Niall said, don't do that. The sex work is real work. And that's a very important thing to note.

Are you having recurring sexual relationships with these people? Is it a one and done situation? Are you having sex with this person? Be like, he's not intimate with me. And then moving on to a new person. Because intimacy is also earned. Intimacy is that that grows over time like most people aren't going to be super lovey-dovey hyper cuddly especially men because

there's also the the idea of like scaring women off of being too intense too fast yeah and that's another thing is like one of the very first comments is a guy being like i've been like abused by women for like wanting to cuddle or hold hands or like play with their hair in the early kind of like times because they're like oh you're not masculine so like there's that to consider as well um but also as dane said it's like it sounds like you're talking about hookups and like hookups are intimate in their own way but what you're looking for sounds more like dating intimacy if you're looking for dating it's me intimacy in just hookups you might not be looking in the right way you know i mean

like yes you can have like intimate friends with benefits but you know some people are weird about that as we've talked about um and the best way to do it is to try to make intimacy like a real intimacy you know what i mean like see someone more than once. Get close. Do things that aren't just fucking. Yeah. And I really feel like it is one of these like watch too many romance movies thing. Yeah. There are needs in your life that aren't being satisfied. And like I said, you are actively trying to satisfy them with opposite thing.

Like you're not going to like if i'm hungry for burgers and i order a pizza i'm gonna be disappointed pizza might be great but i wanted a burger so you you have to be aware of what you're seeking out and if the intimacy you're looking for is directly sexual in in sort of like are tied together with a sex that like you want to be fucked or have sex and make love and then be coddled and cuddled that it's it's tough you know what i mean you can have like find someone who wants to hold your hand and walk through the park and find you know i mean like build intimacy as baby steps as opposed to hoping that you're gonna find this notebook-esque grand romance on a one-night stand it's not going to

happen most likely so you know have these walks hold hands as to sit on a park bench and kind of like cuddle as to watch a movie and cuddle yeah 100 like if you ask for these things and people aren't willing to give them then that's probably a pretty good indication that that's not what they're into at which point you don't have to fuck them to find it out you know what i mean like you don't need to have sex to get to that intimacy so if that's the intimacy you're looking for aim for that and you say you're you're not like you say you're okay with like not giving into sex right away but like it also sounds like you keep giving into sex when you don't want to necessarily because you seem unhappy about it stick true to what you want

and as Dane said like look at the kind of people that you're allowing into this you know sphere of like this personal sphere with you because it doesn't sound like you're letting the right people in either but be realistic about what you want and what you're you know looking for and also be vocal like don't just expect them to know that this is twirl your hair and a finger like moment. You know, I just, I feel like there's a lot of like wishing and hoping and passivity and it's not working out and you're sad and now you're blaming men. And I don't think that's the right way to go. Not at all. No, you, like I said, I think you need to take a hard break from dating and having sex and sort of find intimacy with yourself

find a place where you're comfortable and you don't require this validation so that you because like the second we talked about it so many times where specifically with dating where it's like the second you like I need a boyfriend you're going to find bad options

because you're looking at the goal and not the process and so all you want to do is boyfriend and you're going to end up with bad boyfriend because you didn't take the time to find good boyfriend but you found boyfriend but you shouldn't be looking you shouldn't just be looking for intimacy that's the thing it's a hundred percent like intimacy is its own thing and like you yeah exactly what dan said i'm not going to repeat it but good luck like it's out there and like you could totally have it you just need to go about it the right way and you need to you know shuck that bitterness and shuck the like passivity and you know realize that there's nothing wrong like

sex is fine you know what i mean mean? If you want to have it, have it. If you don't, don't, but like having sex and then being disappointed that someone didn't do an arbitrary thing at the end of it and letting that poison the whole interaction that that way lies madness. Yeah. You,

you won't find happiness that way. And, and it's, that's true about anything. It's also very unfair to the partners if they don't explicitly know, because in your mind, they're probably assholes, but it's like,

how are they supposed to know you wanted them to run their fingers through your hair afterwards? You know what I mean? Like that, that's, that's not the way it works on a first date or the first time sleeping with someone. If,

if I was like, if I went on like a two dates with someone and then on the third, we ended up hooking up or even on like a first date with someone and then on the third we ended up hooking up or even on like a first date hookup and they were like spoon me cuddle me i need to be cuddled right now i'd be like oh this might be getting a little more serious than i want a little too fast you know what i mean like it there's there are connotations to these kind of things and i i would be like oh i i really hope i'm not like leading this person on. I really hope this is the, isn't the kind of person who like falls in love immediately after having sex with someone.

You know what I mean? Like I prefer to slow burn my relationships. And I think a lot of people do. So it's like, if, if you're going to then demand something that is, is so intensely intimate and so intensely personal it could it could be unnerving for people because they aren't sure what you want out of it as an end game 100 it's almost like being like i want a guy to say i love you when fucking me you know obviously that's a very exaggerated but like it's the same kind of deal where it's like maybe you just like to feel hear

that maybe it's just like a thing you need to finish but like for most people saying i love you is a very big step in a relationship you know yeah so it's like intimacy and cuddling and like staying after sex and like running your hair and like you know these are all things that have weight have meaning have a place and are as dane said aren. So trying to get there without earning it, trying to just expect to be there is kind of, I think, insane. Just take a step back, rationalize what you want and try to be the confident and okay person that you say you are and realize that if you want intimacy, you do have to work at it. People aren't just going to meet you at a club, come home and cuddle you and spoon you and run their fingers through your hair.

Someone might, but I think the majority of people will not. So yeah, work towards it and do what you want to do. Don't do the things you don't want to do in the hopes of what you want will just come out. Yup. All right.

Tinder time. Tinder time. At the end of the episode, we like to peruse online dating platforms such as Tinder, Hinge, and Bumble to look through profiles and comb through for red flags and what works and what doesn't work in an effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable. You ready? Yes. This is Chris. Imagine this.

You log on to Tinder. See a guy. Maybe 7 out of 10. Unsure about which way to swipe, but you read his bio. You like it. It's captivating. Fuck it. You swipe right. Boom. You 7 out of 10. Unsure about which way to swipe, but you read his bio. You like it. It's captivating. Fuck it, you swipe right. Boom.

You match. Start talking. Conversations are engaging. He listens. He cares. He's genuine. You bring him home. Your family loves him.

Years pass. You get married. You found love in a hopeless place. Cool story? Well, that won't happen here, but I'll do lines off your ass. In need of a slut. This is a woman's profile no it's chris a man nice i will do lines off your ass in need of a slut that's fantastic i mean it's obvious i like i hope it's a joke and you know what if it isn't that's okay too i find it very funny it's it's it's a very good

profile i don't know if it'll be successful but i fucking love it so i'm giving that a 10 yeah 100 10 um this is brie this is a like a hinge prompt i take pride in eating corn one kernel at a time so satisfying that's it that's it i mean like they're hinges like it's just one of them oh yeah yeah um i give it a seven okay that's a lot higher i'm giving this a two because that would be the most annoying thing i would ever have to witness during dinner i just liked i liked it was very like i'm almost seeing it as a character and less of a person it's very interesting and i like that they're they're sticking out. Okay, now let's roleplay this.

Let's imagine you're at dinner with her. Yeah, I take it back. And you have a show to go to, but uh-oh, her meal comes with a side of corn, and she's fucking one at a time, you know, picking it up. And like, does she chew and swallow now you know what it's gonna have to be i'm gonna match seven out of ten match and ask is it the same with beans the same with beans no block you gotta shovel those those beautiful brown boys in there 100 yeah i don't know it's a it's a five because i feel like it's possible that they're just joking and this is fun yeah maybe but for me upsets me to no end are you ready with app for allison sure uh if we meet up for drinks

and you don't look like your profile pictures you're buying until you do i think that's great that's a 10 for me 100 that's great yeah that's a great that's a great line now this is hannah every time i try to write one of these it comes out looking like a cover letter so i don't know here's some of my skills takes initiative when it's not too risky great at teamwork when the whole team is actually working can reach very high for my height not to brag can cook if you aren't too picky about it responsible timely and punctual proficient in microsoft suite including excel i like. That's very funny. 10. Yeah, I also enjoy this. 10 as well. Hi for my height.

I like it. You're a funny girl, and you got me. Damn, we got a bunch of positive ones. Yeah. Wow. Alright, well, let's keep this train going. Here's Sean. Single father of three, baby emoji, and another one on the way. They are my world, world emoji. If you don't have what it takes to help me raise my kids,

move aside and let a real woman step up. Must have your own car, preferably a minivan. Must be able to cook, clean, and be submissive. No taller than 5'5". Must be fit. Must have your own source of income and no kids of your own. I'm almost positive we've had this before. I feel like we had it but the opposite way around.

No, I remember this. I remember a man just like being like, you need a minivanivan pretty sure we had the woman who said we need a minivan maybe i mean these people need to meet each other yeah but no one has a minivan it is bad i don't like it it's a one get out of here yeah it's a one that's garbage i was gonna move on because i was worried we had done it but that's okay uh this is Tatiana. Used to be a plant mom. Currently looking for a new personality trait. That's fun. But I am worried that they mean it seriously.

I assume not. I assume they're trying to say they just killed all their plants. Which I appreciate because I do that. Everyone does. That's a seven for me. Yeah, I'll give it a seven. Here's Charlotte. and this is a hinge one so it's you know one of those snippets i'm looking for is the prompt and she says meaning

oh damn you and me both nothing like a little existential dread from my dating experience like we aren't already spiraling uh i'm giving it a one because it's too real. I'm giving it a five because it just seems very cute and sad next to the photo they have. This is Aisling. I think that's how it's spelled. She's Irish, so it could just be like Steve. A-I-S-L-I-N-G. Yeah. Aisling.

She says, accent thicker than my thighs. Hell yeah. 10 out of 10. Yeah, I love it. we got some good ones today huh uh this is zoe cute boys only i'm not interested in dogs but cats i might be asexual i'm not into topless guy photos i want to see what you wear i praise nathan fielder swipe left if you fetishize asian woman more importantly i seek chilly chilly, chill and cute people here. Wink. Then they say they're a wild card. You must

not be into CrossFit or something like that or any cults. Don't take the movie called The Joker seriously. You know what? I was a little hesitant at first, but I think the fact that she is implying that CrossFit is a cult and that

people shouldn't take the Joker very seriously, considering I just took a bunch of things from the Joker motivation meme page. Oh, which I guess you don't know what I'm talking about. You need to be a Patreon to know what I'm talking about for that. Don't tell them about our secret game. I think it turned around.

I'm going to give this a seven. Yeah. I, I don't know it started off weird I might be asexual is a strange one to throw in here maybe but I mean like she's figuring it out I just feel like if you're on a dating profile

it's like yeah but I might not be into it but asexual doesn't mean aromantic true that's fair it gets good I like the crossfit cult thing i give it a six um and finally this is ameris i was a cheat leader for eight years yes i'm flexible and yes you can pick me up and throw me around whenever hell yeah 10 out of 10 it's hot thank you very much friends

for listening that will be our show for this week it's always a pleasure and a privilege to be in here with you uh Thank you very much for those of you who have hit up our Patreon. You can do that at fbuddiespodcast.com Click the Patreon button or you can go directly there at patreon.com slash fbuddies You have three options four if you count our secret option

three, seven, and thirteen fifty. The two higher ones, seven and thirteen fifty, will give you access to our aforementioned special secret podcast called Pillow Talk, where this week we played a bunch of games. Yeah, which was fun.

We went back to porn reviews, if you missed those. So there's a bunch of stuff in there that if you want a little extra, little extra boys every month, there is a free, or sorry, little extra boys every month, there is a free, or sorry, an extra episode

every month exclusively for Patreon donors. And as of the time this release, there will be two already waiting for you. Just waiting for you. Just chilling, lonely, wanting your ears to just come snuggle. Aging like a fine wine.

Everyone who supports us, love you a lot. You're incredible. Thank you so much. Thank you, Josh Eagle in the Harvest City for the song Paper Stars as well. Give me what this bad sex is.

So do you know Quora? Yes, it's like the question site, right? Yeah. So I guess someone had asked about massage etiquette because they were going for massage and they found this totally legitimate and helpful advice.

It all depends on what type of massage you're going to have. A week ago, I went for full body to body massage, and for this, I only had panties on. I could tell the girl who was going to be giving me the massage had large form breasts, and with me enjoying being breasts to breasts, I was looking forward to it, as I've never had full body to body massage before. She started, I had my head relaxed on the couch, and felt that she was using her breasts a fair bit then felt her breasts rub firmly over my breasts. She made a comment about how big and firm my breasts were and proceeded to make her breasts

rub my breasts hard and asked if it was nice and if I minded hers rubbing mine so hard. She moved her body down mine and I told her I didn't mind at all as I felt her breasts moving up my tummy. I raised my head and watched her breasts bulging and rub up over my breasts with my breasts being so firm and pointed. They do point straight upward and don't fall to the sides at all.

As I watched, I saw her lift up and make the point of hers press into the points of mine, and she forced her breasts so hard into my breasts and really massaged them so hard against each other. She made another comment saying that our breasts were as big and firm as each other, just to have hers hard on mine to massage them. The whole experience was amazing. We'll definitely be going again. Neat.

Sounds 100% legitimate. Real woman with pointy boobs did write this. Yeah. Yes. 100%. There's no way this is fake. No way. I like how this poor man was just like, please? I just... I was just asking if I

should have my pants on? I was just asking if I should tip? Man, this guy got more than he bargained for 100% One of the comments is like Sounds like undercover Captain Holt wrote this My name is Dave Miller If you took a shot for every time you read breasts You're dead

My name is now Spain We're your fuck buddies Love you you're dead uh and my name is now spain we're your fuck buddies love you