F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 160 - Attic Box for Mind Games

Episode Date: October 25, 2021

There are two things you don't want to do rummage through my secret attic box or piss me off and you've just done both.  Topics include dealing with a flat-earther, an artistic proposition, having your secret attic box discovered full of your really cool mind games, breast insecurities, an embarrassing "knee-jerk" reaction, being comfortable with alternative means of climax and, as usual, a new batch of dating profiles. 

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. And we're your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky sexy situations and turn them into sexy sticky situations.

Simply put, we find questions either online or from our just beautiful listeners. Incredible, really. On the topics of sex and dating. And we answer them. I, that intro almost got away from me. It was. Yeah. I don't know why i i felt bad because

my thing sounded sarcastic but it wasn't you know like halfway through saying it and i slowed down because i was like what am i doing wrong and that made it more sarcastic i do our listeners are incredible we do love you we really do yeah ready for a question yeah Yeah, I am. I was going to say, I felt like last time I really, really went wild on Tinder. And now I just want to focus in, get some questions done. Okay, well, here we go. This is from Touchdown T. Had a date last night. It went really, really well.

However, she believes the Earth is flat. She also believes the universe is geocentric and the sun and the moon are the same size. Dating has been terrible for me recently. I know how hard it can be to find something you get along with so where do i go from here i'm interested to know what is that what like the universe is geocentric they think that like everything is the same size i think geocentric means it revolves around everything revolves around the earth. Oh, oh no. Yeah. So the earth is like the center of everything and,

and everything revolves around us. Oh boy. I, man, imagine being on a date and someone just dropping these like one after the other. Cause like a flat earther is one thing, but then to like keep compounding on new. I mean, was she anti-vax?

Because I feel like that. I can only assume. And that's the thing. It's like this is date one. Date one is best behavior time. I don't know. I would love to fucking know how this came up. Maybe it's maybe she's just tired of wasting people's time or, you know, from her perspective, wasting her time on people that aren't ready to

accept the fact that the world is flat maybe like he mentioned something about either his or her juicy ass and she was like unlike the earth and he was like what she was like oh because it's flat and he was like oh no oh no oh dear but that juicy butt though yeah or his own juicy butt depending on whose i'm not a big fan of uh of suzanna she thinks the world like everything revolves around her unlike the sun oh i'm sorry what what was that wait what sorry you you mentioned you wanted to get some food what was that oh it's a uh it's a flat bread what's that oh it's it's like the earth it's flat and it's bread i also think the earth is made out of bread just like the moon is made out of cheese we are the perfect i would i think if someone thought the world was

made out of bread i'd be more okay with that there's you could argue with that like you could potentially make the earth bread you know what i mean like if you made a bunch of wheat if you covered all of the farmable land and wheat technically or you could just disprove it very easily by going outside me like ate it uh well down and eat it this person might not know what bread is and just start going to town on the earth that's true so where do they go from here dame i mean you got to decide if this is a deal breaker or not is it if it's a deal breaker if you don't think that you can like now said day one is best behavior this is this is her opening volley if you don't think that there is crazier and crazier ideas lying under this sweet, beautiful face, you're kidding yourself. So you need to decide what's more important to you in a relationship.

Being able to date someone that you know might not think that putting metal in a microwave isn't actually dangerous and is really just a lie from big metal or do you want to date someone that you know understands that physics exists and science exists or do you want to or do you just want to date someone at all yeah like that's that's really like i can't make this call for you my man unfortunately but i i know i'm gonna make this call for you don't don't do this this is awful because as as stated it's only going to get worse from here like date one it's oh the earth is flat day 10 it's take this horse medicine to strip your intestines and die like you you can't do this you cannot date someone like this unless day two you go to you know a fucking observatory the science center yeah go to the science center and like you know if she's like oh my god wow maybe she just didn't

know but if she's like oh look at this big big moon trying to get you look at this sun-sized moon now it's funny because like the Science Centre is an actual... That's the name of a place here in Ontario. But I imagine the Science Centre sounds like a made-up place to pretty much everyone who doesn't live in Ontario. It pretty much does, yeah. Right? Because it's just like, oh, just head on down to the Science Centre.

But that is like an actual place where there is science. And a really cool bat cave. I once went and they were doing a thing and they had sonic there and that was cool what did you go to the bat cave though i don't know what you're talking about so there's a bat cave it is a cave to mimic where bats live and you get to crawl through it but wait crawl through it then how does the car fit in there's also you like you can go there and you can touch that ball that makes your hair stand up. Well, she won't do it because big electricity is also a hoax. Yeah.

She doesn't believe in electricity or static. Yeah. This is bad news. I'd say you cannot do this. Yes. Because, like, that's some basic shit. The fact that it's coming out this early is a bad sign. The fact that it's there at all is a bad sign.

And it's like like where does this end you know what i mean like if you like let's say this goes on and it's like you have kids or you're at a family thing like do you really want someone getting in an argument at like fucking christmas with your family because someone got the kid a globe you know what i mean one of your cousins got a globe and she's like whoa that's like you're gonna lie to him you know what i mean like there's just even this is gonna be an issue you know what i mean like there's just even this is gonna be an issue you know people are gonna be like wow your girlfriend is an idiot and like you said like things like kids like are is she gonna fight you on vaccinations is she

gonna fight you on real medicine or hey let's just like you know let's say that you have a long loving life and you guys get along great aside from your scientific differences but then she gets sick and refuses treatment from modern medicine that could save her life are you really willing to watch the person you love die because she'd rather you know huff sage instead of go get chemo or you get sick and she has like you know the fucking what's that thing where they're in charge of your decisions mind control that's the one no where you're like the like the executor executor yeah exactly and they're like no don't don't pull the plug because you won't even put the plug in because i've got some a big bag of sage here i've got sage and I've got horse tranquilizers and together it's going to cure his dementia.

Yeah. So I say no. There's like, I get it. You haven't had dates. It's hard to find someone, but you know what's worse? Finding someone who is going to make your life awful. Do yourself a favor and don't settle because you're not doing anybody a favor if you do. Yeah.

This is like exactly what we talk about when we say when you're desperate you start trying to put a round hole in a square or a square peg in a round hole it's like yeah you found someone but you know right off the bat that it is that's not the fit you're looking for yeah but like you could get it through you know with a hammer or enough you know force yeah you she's trying to put there like, flat, skinny rectangle through the sphere. All right. Hit me with one. Okay.

This comes from MrCasual112. Nude modeling for an artist, but she wants me erect. So I did some nude modeling for an old female friend who's an artist. I got paid and I like being naked, so win-win. She's messaged me again, asked me this time, but she wants me to be erect. Wait, what? That's it? That's the end? That's it, yeah. It sounded like something got corrupted and you just spewed out some words um i would yeah i mean you know what most professional relationships unless you were in the porn industry do not involve someone fluffing you

yeah yes i i think that's a that's a pretty pretty hard hard rule you get it so i'm imagining there are ulterior motives at play also it's like it's gonna be hard to stay erect for any extended amount of time unless you bring medicine to the equation i don't think that's advisable i mean let's face it the second like the first time was a booty call that he didn't get and she took it away from him. Yeah, you know what I mean? Like he was like, hell yeah, getting paid to be a nude model. And she was hoping he would have maybe, you know, made a move. I think one of the key things was him saying that he really likes being naked. I feel like there's real like, you know, like golden Labrador energy here where she was probably like, oh, hey, yeah, you cold?

Like you want to warm up? He's like, oh, hey, yeah, you cold like you want to warm up? He's like, no, I love being naked. She's like, no, but like, you know, I've got like some sheets over here and like, you know, body warmth. He's like, no, man, like you don't get it. Like being naked is great. I love this. Yeah, she was like, oh, so now she's trying ploy, too. And I see that golden retriever energy again where she literally says, I'll help make you hard.

And you're like, hmm, is this business? Could it be? Yeah, I mean, I think it is very obvious that, like, first attempt did not go the way she wanted, and now she's laying it on even thicker, being like, hey, I will get you hard. I want you erect, and I will do that for you. Yeah, that's like, there's nothing, again, unless you're in the

Pornographic industry She will be manipulating your genitals To a point where you're aroused And I don't think she will stop there Yeah, I mean, this is I think we can confidently say That this is A booty call, or this is a

Sexual encounter waiting to happen And that is what she wants it to be so if you don't want it to be i would say be like ah no thanks not super comfortable with that and move on if you do want to maybe throw a couple more flirty lines in there to test the waters to see if it escalates just in case i guess you you pulled you stopped so quickly well i know i thought i was gonna say, but I didn't. Wow. That was alarming.

Now, the thing is, Dane, you're saying if you want. And you know what? I'm sick of doing what other people want. Let's do what we want. And what I want, personally, is for you to keep this going and maintain oblivion and see how much this escalates. Right? how much this escalates right like i want you to go next time and then the second you're hard you go okay and you run away into position and you're like and you pose and and just ignore it all and see what time three leads to will she just message she'll just paint you a painting that says please

fuck me yeah and we'll give it to you or like i think she does from the second time is her you know you railing her yeah yeah and then ignore that too i want to just see where this will go because this is very amusing to me yeah good luck yeah i think we can all agree it's a booty call she wants to bone down if you want to bone down bone down as well maybe what dan was saying makes sense where test the waters a little bit more i imagine if you test the waters even once she'll be like yeah i'm gonna rub your dick and you can explode on me or some shit and then you'll be like yeah okay this isn't this isn't a business thing but i guess there is always the tiniest chance that like i don't know maybe she's just a weirdo and she thinks it's appropriate so test it a little bit if you're interested and if you're not interested just be like i don't feel like this is professional and or appropriate and uh move on from there

yeah right you want one yeah this is by ice tea 1997 my 27 year old me 27 year old he's 27 she's 23 sometimes it's hard to read out these titles with that my 27 my girlfriend thinks i'm a serial killer and called the cops on me. Help. Whoa. She's been suspicious of me because I work late and I get home later than I'd like. She found my box of stuff in the attic and is now freaking out. It's a long story.

I started this hobby of printing random people off the internet. I'm a huge Big Brother fan and used it as a hypothetical game in my head. Yeah, it's weird, but legal. Anyway, there were some other items like jewelry and watches in there. I'm trying to tell her they're just stuff I got at a flea market. The jewelry is fake, and one of the watches was something I got in a cereal box as a kid. She doesn't believe me and called the cops. Luckily, the police don't have anything to keep me, and that still pissed me off. What am I supposed to do? Oh for heaven's sake, you're turning the whole thing to one big joke i had to talk to the cops because my girlfriend went crazy here's two rules for

this post one this isn't funny two i'm not a serial killer uh sounds like something a serial killer would say my man yeah dude yeah dude and guess what if you weren't a serial killer this would be funny i'm so confused so he printed just like random pictures of people off the internet? Hey, Dane, you think I'm less confused? Like, what's the... And he was like, I'm going to make a game. I'm going to head up into my attic and... Make a game in my head on these...

Because the thing is, right? Game in your head. Already fucking weird. Yeah. I'm sorry. It's a little strange. You don't need to print out pictures of people for that no no not at all you say this like all of this is normal it's not you know what i mean and it's like at no point do you go okay i can understand where she's coming from and then you didn't even say like, I'm upset or I'm confused. He said it pissed me off. That's serial killer behavior. Hey, hey, Deborah, you're really starting to piss me off.

Can you imagine like the cops come talk to him? They don't have like any proof. He turns to you and he's just like, you've pissed me off. That's really pissed me off. Hey, today, what just happened? Really pissed me off. This isn't't funny i'm not a serial killer but now i'm pissed off yeah i wasn't a serial killer but now i'm pissed off so we'll see let's see what happens deborah want to go to the attic we'll play a game print you off put you in my box.

I mean, like... I'll fucking 3D print you, bitch. I don't know. Also, like, despite what he's saying sounds lunacy. Like, just like a lunatic talking nonsense. I don't know if I went upstairs, like, if I was rummaging around in my walk-in closet where I record this podcast, and I open up

a box, and there's a picture of people, well, no. Saying it out loud, out live yeah no i'd be very upset so i literally did this as a joke to one of my old roommates where we printed out a bunch of people and scratched out their eyes and left it in the like box hidden in his room in the top of his closet like in our new creepy apartment and that freaked him out so like yeah like that's the thing there's like you find them you're like this is really strange and then you know you're in my house you find this i turn to you i'm like oh i like big brother so i printed them out so i can make a game in my head that's yeah it's a terrible excuse even if it's what happened you should be aware that that does sound very much like an excuse

i don't know if like i don't know i would still i don't know if i'd call the cops like that seems so like i feel like we're missing i feel like we're not being told the whole story because i would be super unnerved but i wouldn't like was there also like a bloody cloth you know what i mean and like a knife like i would need more like i might be upset a bloody cloth? You know what I mean? And like a knife? Like, I would need more. Like, I might be upset and be like, hey, you know what? This isn't working out. I'm going to break up.

But for me to like jump right to, oh, you're a serial killer. And I'm calling the cops because I think I have enough here to protect me from what I assume is to be your next victim. Yeah, it's a big move. So, like, is it warranted that she is very weirded out by this? Sure. Call in the cops, though. It's a big lunge. So the thing that worries me is that you don't seem to understand how this could look strange at all. Yeah, especially as, like, I mean, not that there is any problem with men wearing jewelry or men who want to collect jewelry but like you mentioned that you have like

a child's watch like a kid like a toy watch that you got from a cereal box when you were a kid which presumably like isn't all that fashionable like it's probably very very obviously that's the proof he's gone through at least one serial he's a serial killer oh sorry continue no but I mean like you know you have a collection of like women's jewelry pictures of strangers and like kids toys

that put together in a box in your attic is absolutely unnerving you need to understand that this is a fucking terrifying thing to do and that's that's the thing if he was like oh fuck this like i totally understand why like she thinks this and you know i obviously i'm trying to come back blah blah but it's not it's she did this at no point does he do they say you know this is weird. At no point do they say, you know, this is weird. And at no point do they say, like, oh, how do I help? They say, I'm pissed off. You know, so it's like, step one, realize this is absolutely fucking bizarre. And her response may be a little over the top, but the fact that she did that should, one, indicate that, like, things are not all right in your relationship um i don't think my girlfriend would ever turn around and accuse me of being a serial killer and call the cops even if they found something very bizarre yeah

and two like this is a person who is presumably scared of you currently so like getting pissed off and not acknowledging that what you did is alarming is a gigantic red flag so you know be have a little bit of humility realize that these things with no context and let's be fair with this bizarre excuse are all alarming and don't be angry but do in fact take the time to explain and work on things if you want i mean i think i will say in his defense i think that you can be like if if amanda found something that she didn't quite understand i came home to the cops in my apartment being like you know question me i think you have a little bit of a right to be upset like i think you're allowed to be angry at like the accusation

that you're part of a serious serial killer but you need to also filter that through everything you just said of being like you need to understand that this is a wild thing. So, I mean, like fact of the matter is I don't think you could date this person anymore from like your standpoint. Like she thinks you've killed more than once. You know what I mean?

Like, like, yeah. If you, if she thought you killed once, you could get past it, but she thinks you've made a habit of it. Yeah.

Um, so much so that she was convinced she she called the cops on you if like if this was her being like if she found a picture of oh your ex-girlfriend or something in a box of your stuff and was convinced that you were cheating i would say that's the end of the relationship because she doesn't trust you and if you and if someone doesn't trust you like if she if she was convinced that because she found like you know a bracelet and a picture of your ex in an old box in the attic and she was like you're cheating on me you're keeping her stuff you still have feelings for her and you're like no that's not the case and she was adamant about it then it's like okay relationship over

but she thinks you've taken human lives now i wonder is this a bizarre form of like punishment for him staying late at work either way you have to end this relationship if that's yeah i feel like you have to move on and in the future don't keep what looks like props from the set of you just chilling in the hidden part of your home you know there, there's, you can, like, if you want to devise a fucking like weird reality game show, do it in Google doc. So at least it looks like you're like preparing a pitch. You know what I mean? Like,

like just go on to shutter stock or whatever that pay, like grab stock images of people, not people that you know, not people off Twitter or instagram or like your facebook or whatever just grab like just type in like man and grab the pictures that come up off google image search and do like a mock-up of your game because then if you're like oh no this is a reality show that like i've had in my head and i wanted to plan out and like maybe i'll pitch it one day hey you know what i'm giving you permission to use dane's photo if you hey if you want me to i will happily host your crazy serial killer big brother game i mean the fact

that it's big brother to a game about spying on people like that's also very alarming like he's not well survivor would be any better i don't think yeah all right probably worse so yeah i think take a step back realize that yeah they they have overshot slightly unless there's more context we're missing but at the same time what you left lying around in your attic was very creepy so they have some form of like to stand on the in between is a disconnect that i think is too great to continue to date with because as dane has stated She thinks you murder people on the regular. So I guess get a new relationship.

Stop killing. And don't leave creepy things lying around. That as I said. Look like they're straight out of a movie set. Especially not in your attic. Everything's worse in your attic. Like you could put. If I put my like.

I still have my high school yearbooks. If I put those and like a couple of my baby albums, like photo albums in the attic, completely harmless, but far scarier up there. It's true. It's just like sprinkling a little scary salt on it. Yeah. Yeah. The attic is scary seasoning. It's true.

Alright, hit me. This is from... Oh boy. I don't know how to say this one. Hy-synth-five? Hy-synth-five? I don't know. Maybe. This is from a female 18-year-old. My tits turn me off. It causes a few problems

during sex because, well, being small, they're so sensitive. And I would love it if my partners gave them more attention. But it always feels silly to request it. I currently only have one regular partner. And not to complain, but he can't keep his hands off my ass. Even during non-sexual cuddles, he'll rub and pinch it like it's a stress ball. I told him about my insecurity.

And, as expected, he's an ass man who gives zero fucks about tits, regardless of size. He does give them more attention now that I mentioned it pleasures me, but it kind of bothered me to know that my tits don't turn him on at all. I could walk around shirtless and he'd still only focus on my thighs and ass. I get that my body type just naturally makes men want to ignore the top, but I'm so jealous of women who get attention on both parts. Their whole body is sexual and desirable, but I have a bad part and a good part. I can't show off cleavage. I have none. I have a bad part and a good part.

I can't show off cleavage. I have none. I can't tease anyone with my tits. I hooked up with a different guy last week. He was overall so violent and rude, but while he didn't say anything negative about my boobs, he insulted my tall height though. I asked him to suck on them and he did for three seconds before moving on. Later, he told me about his hot flatmate with better tits.

Great. Anyway, I also hooked up with a third guy. At this point, I cringed every time he tried to see or touch my tits. I kept my push-up bra on the whole time, and I can't be turned on while exposing my tits. I never find guys who prefer them, just guys who are completely indifferent. So what am I supposed to do to feel better about them? These are my only in real life hookups, but on the internet, it's also always the raging ass men who come to my dms so i've stopped hoping well let's be fair there is no bad part small titties are still great so let's get that out of the way um just that's incorrect i'm sorry um and i think you've been cursed with a great butt yeah i mean in the

way that's one thing obviously let's we could talk about how half the people that you've talked about are complete douchebags like being like oh i'm insulting your height and you know my roommate has better tits that person needs to fucking go get himself better because that's a shit thing to say and the shit thing to be that person sucks and to be fair like that's the only dude who really sounds like he's a dick like yeah like the one guy never said he didn't like them he was just like more into one body part which like you know people have things they like and on top of that you communicated to him and he seems to have taken on board so that seems good yeah i mean like that's the thing is if like if your partner is a specifically a butt guy and he really likes your butt and you're like, hey, I would like more attention for my boobs.

And he's like, OK, and then does it. It's not that they don't turn him on. It's that like, you know, he didn't realize that that was something you needed. You communicated to it. And now he's providing that service for you. So like for all you know, he was with someone whose like breasts were way too sensitive you know what i mean or didn't like nipple play or you know like you kind of learn based on your your partners it's like i've definitely been with people who are like i don't touch them they're too

sensitive or like uh not now you know and other people are like just go to town and it's like you kind of get conditioned one way or the other. So it's like, for all, you know, the last partner he was with just didn't want him touching his, her tits. So he didn't. And that's kind of not in his wheelhouse anymore. And also maybe your insecurity is very obvious and he didn't want to sort of highlight that. You know what I mean?

Like if, if you are very obviously insecure about your breasts, I don't know if i would have paid a whole lot you know what i mean like if i was with a partner who seemed very insecure about her breasts i don't know if i would be like give me those titties because i would feel like that would just make you more insecure also like depending on how you express it he could be reading like displeasure when you like show a time when he shows attention to them or sees them or when you unveil them you know what i mean like these are all things people pick up on especially

attentive partners right so it's like maybe he's misconstruing what he's picking up on but it's like if there's discomfort or uncomfortableness or you know revulsion or sadness or insecurity or anything based on when they're in play maybe he's just steering clear for your sake and i will also remind you that you did say for the third guy you said um i cringed every time he tried to see or touch my tits yeah that's training him not to see or touch your tits yeah like if this is how you are with all your partners you can't then be upset that your partners aren't paying attention to your boobs because you're you're actively like non-verbally telling them not to i think it's

probably the same way that women get when they try to like do anything to my nipples i think they could probably physically feel me you know shrivel up and hate it that like nine times out of ten they don't they're like okay moving on yeah so like you know and this is not a blame game like we're not saying like it's your fault or like you're in the wrong or blah blah we're trying to explain where these things might be coming from you know it's easier said than done to get over an insecurity like that but you have to recognize what you're doing and because like it's a vicious cycle if you're insecure and they pick up on the insecurity and don't do it that makes your insecurity worse

so you're more insecure so they're more likely to pick up on that not and that cycle continues until you wear your pusher bra all through sex and won't let them take it off yeah um so like firstly there is nothing wrong with small tits at all. I've seen some very small tits and they were fucking spectacular. You know what I mean? Like there's, there's nothing wrong with that. So get that thought out of your head. Two, some people are just straight up fucking assholes. That guy you slept with was a straight up asshole.

Try not to take that to heart. I know, again, easier said than done, but like, don't let the dicks win. Three, it starts with you. You know what I mean? Like if you're not comfortable with them, you're going to express that to other people and they're going to like, you know, be hesitant or wary or avoid them. So like try to accept yourself. And like four, be communicative.

You know what I mean? That's one of the most important parts of any relationship. If you want someone to touch your breasts and play with them and whatever tell them you know what i mean i don't think any guy is going to hear that or most guys will not hear that and be like upset they will be like oh hell yeah people like being told to do things especially if it's one something you like and two to do with titties you know and you were kind of upset one of them like only sucked them for like three seconds i feel like a lot of people get very overwhelmed during sex that was that was the asshole too yeah true he was also an asshole but it's like sometimes you do a thing and it feels like you did it for longer

in your head and then you've moved on because there's just so much hot body to get through to add on to the communicative part like don't be afraid to mention that that they're a source of insecurity for you you know what i? Like there's no harm in, in bringing that up, especially with partners. You're a little more regular with, like with your, your regular,

your, you know, fuck buddy situation. There's no harm in being like, Hey, so when I asked you to, you know, you know,

pay a little bit more attention to my tits, just so you know, it's like, I am a little insecure and that's why I might've been a little shy or, or timid about them. But like, I, I really do enjoy, uh, you know, nipple play or having them kissed or sucked or whatever you're into. And then they will also have that to inform what they do going forward. If you're just

like, Hey, I want you to play with my tits a little more. He's like, all right. Yeah, sure. But like you're leaving out crucial information that can inform them on how to handle you emotionally and physically. So like give give people a little bit more credit and be a little be willing to be a little bit more vulnerable to people. Because like we've said, you you can't be so repulsed by your own body and then expect other people not to pick up on that. And it's just a, it's a, it's like a symbiotic relationship of being like,

if you don't want to show people your boobs, people are going to realize that. And they're going to be like, okay, this is a stake. I'm going to stay away from this because she seems very uncomfortable with this. So I'm not,

I'm not going gonna play around up there because i don't want to make her uncomfortable and like as dane said it's like if you don't explain this to someone you saying like hey can you pay a bit more attention to my tits in your head it's almost like you've done your job and you've communicated but like then when they only spend a little bit of time on them and move on, you're almost more upset. But it's like you haven't told them, hey, this is a source of, you know, insecurity and this is blah, blah, blah. So it's like they're reacting with the minimal kind of input that you've given them. But you're almost taking like results for as if you'd said the whole thing to them, if that makes any sense. It's like they don't have the full stories.

You can't expect them to then change their behaviors entirely and like satisfy that insecurity because they don't know about it yeah so be honest be you know obviously it's easier said than done with a brand new partner but as dane said like a long-term fuck buddy who seems nice that's perfect time to start even in the like you don't have to be super expressive like during sex but like when you're first hooking up with someone if if it's getting hot and heavy and you look a dude straight in the eyes and you're just like i want you to like you know do whatever you want him to do like i want you to suck my tits i want you to play with my tits and and say so in sort of a like firm but hot manner like now said i don't think any dude is gonna be like nah and let's be fair It's hard to say I want you to suck my tits in a non-hot manner.

Yeah. Like the second, even if there's something that I'm not particularly into, or if there's, you know, something I didn't really think about. The second a woman is confident enough to be like, hey, I want you to do this. You'd better fucking believe i'm gonna do it as long as i'm comfortable with it of course like i'm not gonna you know shirk my own personal anything but like the second there's there's a request on the table because i'm like oh cool this is probably going to be very good sex because she's just asked for something that means like she's cool if i ask for something and throughout

sex we can just be like let's do this i want you to do this and like that's how good sex happens when everyone is just throwing what they want on the table and you are able to do those things instead of guessing that's yes exactly what i was gonna say it takes the guesswork out it's like cool this is like even if it's a minute it's like this is a minute of me doing something they want like there is no oh do they enjoy this oh shit it's like cool boom you've just taken that i'm less in my own head about this i'm living in the moment you're enjoying it presumably because this is what you wanted everything's great and just to add to that when they do it don't be afraid to be like that feels great you know give them positive fucking feedback you know i mean oh that feels amazing oh i love it when be like that feels great you know give them positive fucking feedback you

know i mean oh that feels amazing oh i love it when you do that because if you just clam up and they do it they might be like oh did i do it wrong yeah or like oh she doesn't want this you know if you are into something more specific like say you like your nipples bitten or sucked very hard don't be afraid to tell them you know to keep guiding them as long as you're not like don't be sort of like like no not like that yeah yeah yeah and say like oh no harder you fucking idiot i'm gonna print out your picture next give me your jewelry guys you're going in my edX you're really pissing me off right oh you're pissing me off so much call the cops i fucking dare you but yeah i feel like that just about does it. You know what I mean? Like, it's hard.

It's obviously not easy to get over your own insecurities, but like, it's good that you recognize them and it's good that you, you know, hopefully will try some of those things. Hopefully it'll work. Yeah. Good luck. There's always gonna be dicks out there, so try not to let that, you know, ruin your progress because

some people just suck. And don't compare yourself to other women. No. Also, you don't need cleavage to be sexy with smaller breasts like have you ever seen somebody wear a tight t-shirt with no bra with smaller boobs oh my god or any boobs like you're good there's a range of things you can do yeah like i get it i understand why you feel this way oh yeah like it hammers it, you know, all the time. I get it, but it doesn't mean it's right. It doesn't mean it's true. Yeah, you don't need big boobs to be sexy.

And that's not to say that having big boobs isn't sexy. You know what I mean? Body positivity is about accepting and acknowledging the fact that everyone has the the capability of being sexy and that is a universal truth like it doesn't matter what you look like it doesn't matter what your body is it doesn't matter you know how tall you are what you weigh like you have the ability to be sexy yep and you're probably a lot sexier than you realize you are as well 100 there is someone out there that fucking cannot stop thinking about you i promise you and they might even be touching it they might even have a picture of you in their box in the attic yeah yeah and hopefully you're still alive um okay

how would you react this is by love lauren losties long story short i 22 year old female went out with a really nice guy I've known for about a year who's a colleague slash classmate. Dinner date was good, and afterwards he walked me to my car and suddenly just started kissing me against it. The making out was a lot more intense than I thought it would have been, but it was good. Only, then he sort of, like, bent his leg. I guess to give me leverage, because I'm a lot shorter. So my back was pressed up against the car, with his thigh between my legs a legs a little and pressing me backwards i don't know what the fuck's wrong with me but i really liked that he could tell i really liked it so he kept bouncing his leg up against me i was like nice i was happy he was happy all good but then out of nowhere i literally fucking cum

like what the fuck in public fully clothed on his fucking leg in the middle of the street seriously thank god it was late and dark and no one was there. The stupidest, most embarrassing thing that could have possibly happened. I don't even know how he reacted, because afterwards I couldn't look him in the face. I just wanted to die. I left. I don't know what to do. I'm mortified.

He takes it afterwards, saying he had a nice dinner and hopes I made it home okay, and I haven't responded. I have class with him later this week, and I'm seriously thinking about switching sections. He did nothing wrong. A fucking course. But I want to die of embarrassment what do you even say hey sorry for coming on your leg like a fucking poodle the other night let's grab drinks yeah that would be a fucking great message that i would love that that would be incredible also like i'll let you go first because i would like to know i assume she means she squirted i don't know because like

there's no mention of a mess being made i think those are those are two things that like if you just if you just had like a clitoral orgasm okay if you squirted i can understand your embarrassment a little more because like now there's a mess involved but let me tell you either way it doesn't matter i don't care if that happened to me i would have i don't know if i would have let you just wander off i think i would have been like hey do you want to go back to my place like right fucking now that's the thing this is hot as fuck you know what i mean and it's funny because if this was like a guy saying this i think it would be a different story because i think socially if a guy just kind of came like that it would be embarrassing or at least there's a lot of possibility for the girl

to have taken it wrong and like there's a lot of ways you're socialized like coming early and all these things are like things that are a giant source of like you know terror for men yeah the the come in your jeans oh yeah sort of uh idea is is is a terrifying idea and like one that's ridiculed quite a bit so yeah i understand what you're saying but like i don't think the the opposite is is true right it's like guys are the opposite it's like like making a girl come is is difficult for a lot of men or a girl coming at themselves is like unfortunately a lot more rare like the pleasure gap is real and the fact that you came he's not gonna be like oh what a weirdo it's gonna be hot as fuck he probably felt like the biggest hero you know he's like damn i made

a girl come with just my leg like yeah he felt great you know probably until you were being strange and ran away at which when he probably felt terrible and hey depending on like how subtle you are he might he might have just thought you really enjoyed it and didn't know that you actually came yeah so i've been looking through all her responses and i have not found anything about like squirting or like making a mess yeah so i mean like one there is a chance that he thought you just really enjoyed yourself uh there is a chance again like unless you are are very very obvious but hey like i can't imagine like if this i'm thinking i'm putting myself in this guy's position if that happened i would be so fucking turned on and i would be so like so ready to get my hands on you again like it's such a it's such a like visceral and primal and like like your your guys's chemistry

like it's so strong your sexual energy i and like you seem to have a great time on the date as well i i don't understand why you wouldn't want to pursue this. To be with someone that you're that turned on by and have that kind of sexual chemistry with and actually like, why would you throw that away? This is the opposite of the flat earther. You know what I mean? You have literally every green flag here.

You seem to have a great time. You have the sexual chemistry. He can make you come with his leg. What don't you want to have a great time you have the sexual chemistry he can make you come with his leg like what what don't you want to pursue here and he messaged you and was like i had a great time so it's like one he's clearly not embarrassed or upset no i mean he could just not message you or been like that was weird or you know anything like that if it was you know bad and it wasn't so go for it like i don't even know if you need to mention the coming thing or you could just be like i had a really good time the other night wink face like yeah boom that's great he's gonna be like okay that was very fun or you know let me

be like hey that like making out we did we should do that again but maybe at my place or maybe at your place you know because i don't think you'll be embarrassed if you're coming in your own room no it's it get over i don't know what it is and i think it is a socialization thing of like you know women should be ashamed of their sexual nature and all that kind of like fucking throw that out what you did was incredible what you did was awesome you guys to get along well just just fucking get over this get over this embarrassment because you don't have anything to be embarrassed about move on go on a second date with this guy and and have the greatest sex that you guys can possibly have

and hey if he's not great in bed just fucking ride his knee again like whatever yeah you got this it's gonna be incredible this comes from Reddit user Matatula. Guy I hooked up with masturbated to finish after we had sex. Hey, y'all. I hooked up with this guy and I thought things were going well, but he didn't come. We used protection, so I thought he'd just finish inside of me, but it took a long time and it didn't seem

to happen. Felt like he wanted to, but didn't manage. So I just laid on the bed after a while because I was getting sore and we started making out and he masturbated and came while kissing me. Now, in a way, it was hot. But at the same time, I wonder if there was something about me slash the way I felt that wasn't good enough to get him off. I don't want to spiral into some insecurities, so I'd really appreciate some important ideas about what might have been the reason and what I could do differently next time, if it's even up to me to do something uh yeah like

I completely understand why you feel bad about this it's like I don't think anybody feels good when they you know everyone wants to be as good as they can be for their partner and them not finishing you can obviously reflect that back on yourself oftentimes there's nothing to do with you um I would love to know if you guys have been drinking. I would love to know if your apartment was hot as fuck. I would love to know if maybe you were too wet. I would love to know if he was very nervous

or if he used your condoms and they were slightly smaller than what he's used to. Yeah, I do want to just know not only too wet, he doesn't mean that there's a problem with that. it's just sometimes if you are very wet uh the friction is reduced and therefore you last a little longer oh yeah no there's nothing wrong with that but like it can be factored in because like you know

more friction or less friction means like you know less you feel especially with a condom you know all these things obviously not an issue but it is just something to consider because like you know and like already we have so many options and there's not much you can do about some of them you know but like nerves are a real thing especially the first time you hook up with people um i know some people it goes one way and they finish very soon i know some people it goes the other way and they cannot finish so yeah you really like maybe it's also very possible that he jerked it earlier hoping to last longer with you and a bit it's also very possible that he jerked it earlier hoping to last longer with you and a bit of in the butt because that can happen yeah i mean like there's any number of things it's like maybe like you know just just couldn't do it like like

sometimes that just happens and like now said there are any number of reasons is why it couldn't and sometimes it just doesn't and you know sucks But I think what you need to focus on here is that it wasn't a lack of attraction or arousal because he came while he was kissing you. Yeah. Right. It's not like he snuck off into the bathroom to rub one out. Like, I feel like you would have more.

Now the thing is, did he bend you over, put a pillow on your back weirdly, and then kiss you from there. And you could hear the muffled sounds of porn because in that case yeah this is a throwback to last week if you're a new listener but yeah it's like if he if he snuck off and you caught him masturbating like while you were asleep or in the bathroom i would understand a little bit more of like an insecurity

or it might still be you know harmless you know he could have just been embarrassed to to do that i appreciate that he had the confidence to like finish himself off you know which to get to that like that also isn't a slight on you it's like it's his dick it's his hand he's done this for years he knows every you know facet of how fast you go and whatever so like don't think that that's a slight either you know what i mean that like oh he could finish with his hand of course he could he knows exactly what to do yeah ladies I'm gonna say right here you'll never be more efficient

than a man's hand you can be better yeah I'm not saying I'm not saying that like we don't prefer it I'm not saying that you can't finish a man immediately but like in terms of knowing exactly what to do with our own dicks like we're the kings of it because as everyone is most of our fucking lives do like i presume you're the king of

your clit because like you know you can read your own mind so if you're going to you know hard you can ease off or vice versa as opposed to having to speak to someone and hope they ease off enough or blah blah you know what i mean it It's like you know what you're doing. That's fine. So don't take that to heart. Now, things you can do. The most important thing I think you can do is be chill. Because if it is a nerves thing, or even if it isn't, if you are like not chill about it,

then it will either one, get worse, worse or two become a nerves thing in part um so like don't be weird don't be upset don't make them feel bad don't feel bad yourself just you know realize it can happen it's not a big deal and the surefire way to make it worse is by making it into a capital t thing also like there's no harm in like letting him know that it was hot like you you admitted that you found it hot. If that sort of thing is hot, incorporate into your sex life. Why not? Like we need to sort of get rid of this stigma of a lot of people find that

like masturbating or manually stimulating yourself during sex is like a slight that you're not doing good enough. And that's not true. I fucking love it when my partner it like plays with themselves like there's nothing hotter than like if you're fucking someone missionary and they're also playing with their clit like that that to me is not like oh i'm not doing my job i'm not being you know i'm not pleasuring her enough i'm like no that's she's teamwork she's so fucking into it that she's going to town like that like yeah it's great it's great

so like we need to i would like to make take an opportunity with this question be like if for whatever reason you guys don't manage to get one another off during sex you have other options it's not a failed sexual experience if she needs to you know grab a toy and finish herself off let her do that help her play you know play with her tits make out with her while she does it like this is there's no reason to get all fucking weird to be like well my dick didn't do it so i'm not good enough no fuck it like this is a team sport where two people who have wildly different needs at any point in time given like a thousand different variables all playing at the same point like the likelihood that one day you might not be able to make your partner come is almost a statistical guarantee but what you can guarantee

is that you're not gonna get fucking weird about it when they either do what they need to do to come or ask you to participate in what they need to do to come or ask you to participate in what they need to do to come 100 and that's the thing it's like when when everyone's come that that's the job done that's job well job well done maybe not job done who knows maybe there's more in the tank but like that's it you've done it like that should be the most important thing that everyone's going home happy all right so i would say maybe you could join in when he's jerking it after if this happens again you know what i mean maybe offer a blow job maybe you could be the hand or maybe you can just like grab his balls while you're doing it or something but again you can ask

all right play with yourself right like i think if if i was making it with someone and i was jerking off and then all of a sudden i noticed that they were playing with themselves, I think that would kick it up to like 11 for me. There's, there's so many things you can do. Talk about it. Tell him you thought it was hot. Don't be afraid to incorporate this into, because like,

again, if it is a nerve sink, if he is going to get hung up in his head about being like, ah, fuck, I didn't finish. Knowing that now, like this is a safe option that like,

that this can be a fun thing that both of you guys can participate in that it's not like i didn't come i failed it's that's one gonna relieve the stress and and if it is a nerve sink probably relieve some of that yeah make it more likely he like ironically being able to come after will probably make it more able to come in the moment and at the same time it's like you've you've done something to ensure the pleasure of your partner which at the end of the day is what sex is all about it's all about making sure that like everyone is safe everyone is feeling good everyone and like if possible everyone comes like if you can make if you can do all those things you've

had a great sexual experience so why wouldn't you take the steps that you seem to be aroused by and OK with? Add it in. Throw it into your mix. Now it's part of your repertoire. And now it's one less thing to worry about. It's funny. I kind of get the impression that they feel like they shouldn't find it hot. You can find it hot.

That's fine. And 100% let them know because that itself will like ease kind of like the burden because they might feel weird about it. They might be like, oh, I didn't come and I just jerked it while we were kissing. Like I feel like a failure. There's probably a question on Reddit saying exactly that. So let them know it's hot. Take the pressure off.

Let them know you're chill and just fucking do it again. And what comes, comes. Literally. Literally. All right, let's move into some Tinders, I think. Let's do it. At the end of the show, we like to peruse online dating platforms like Tinder, Hinge, and Bumble, and review dating profiles in an effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable.

Are you ready for Luna? Yes. I'm like a mosquito, except I don't stop sucking when you smack me. That's pretty good, Luna. I like that. I'm going to give that a 10. 10. It's sexy.

It's funny. This is... Ah, fuck. I don't have her name. That's fine. But this is a... I think it's from ok cupid actually and this is similar to hinge and bumble where it has prompts and theirs is my favorite conspiracy theory all capitals birds aren't real to be fair that is the best conspiracy theory so yeah a 7 out of 10 for me. Hell yeah. Because I'm worried they do believe it.

Just a little worried. This is Madison. Went to a costume party dressed as an egg, hooked up with a guy dressed as a chicken. I can tell you the answer to the question was written all over my tits that night. I love it. That's very good. That's very, very good. I'm giving that another 10.

I'm giving it an 8, but it's still good. This is Ally or Ally. I can't tell. It's spelled like Ally. Okay. I assume it's Ally. It's probably Ally, yeah. They say, hit me up if you're trying to argue.

Oh, God. Zero? Yeah. Because I assume they mean it. I don't know it's a zero for me uh this is what what's your what's your fucking rating yeah it's also a i mean i'm gonna give it a three because it made me laugh okay i assume they're not i don't know i i can't help but feel like there's some grains of truth to that uh this linea this is a hinge prompt so it's together we could be friends lovers foes or many things in between as long as it's communicated i'm happy

with several different dynamics damn she's just looking for enemies that's the weird thing it's like okay she likes communication that's cool she's happy with several different dynamics. That's cool. Foes, though? Yeah. Yeah, you really looking for an enemy? And, like, foe... Enemy and foe, I think, are two very different things. Foe sounds like an old-timey, like, you might duel with them, or it's, like, a recurring thing where, like, every now and then they come to foil your plans. Like the Joker in Batman.

Yeah. I mean, hey, it's not bad. not bad like you know having someone who's always put challenging you yeah i don't know i'm gonna give it a six i don't think i'm gonna give it a i feel like they don't know what they're looking for but i like the communication you know what i mean they seem to like communication so yeah i'm gonna give it a five because uh meh meh it's a pretty like meh answer regardless i can't remember if i did this i don't think i did um this is taja i'm going on a date tomorrow so either you ask me out or someone else will bilingual and now a brunette when a white boy eats my ass i like to close my eyes and focus

on the triumphant cries of my ancestors cheering me on. Hashtag Black Lives Matter. Since I usually date girls, my guy friends gave me relationship advice and said men have two main emotions, hungry and horny. If you're my man

and don't have an erection, I'll make you a sandwich. I really like everything apart from the start where it's like I'm going on a date tomorrow. So like blah blah blah yeah kind of weirdly like like trying to make you jealous almost i don't know it seems weirdly contentious to start off everything else is really fucking funny though yeah it's very funny

i kind of like i i like the energy of the start of being like hey like i'm out here doing my thing but i agree i agree like it's the right energy the wrong phrasing i think yeah either way i think it's a nine yeah i yeah i'm giving it a nine as well it was very funny i snorted it's one of the few that actually made me laugh instead of just being like oh yeah this is funny yeah it's a funny thing um this is alex working on my splits and doing a bunch of v-ups and snorting protein powder you know basic gym bro stuff and alex is alex working on my splits and doing a bunch of v-ups and snorting protein powder you know basic gym bro stuff and alex is a girl okay um i like i i don't know like it's it's funny i'm gonna give it a five because like it doesn't really do it for me yeah i think it's like it

gives me a good sense that she's like humorous and probably does go to the gym. So I'm going to give like a seven, but like, it's kind of like funny without any personality in a sense. It's like you made a gym joke. That's cool. What about you though? This is a hinge. I want someone who is loyal and respectful when in power. Huh?

Loyal and respectful when in power. I don't really know what that means. Me neither. You know, is it like if you become prime minister, you're going to be loyal and respectful when in power you don't really know what that means me neither you know is it like if you become prime minister you're gonna be loyal and respectful you know what i mean like is it a dom sub thing like is it just like in a situation where like you know let's say you're at a restaurant like you kind of have a bit of power over the server and it's like if you're loyal to that server and respectful, I'm going to like you. Hey, I'm on board with that. You know, like maybe it's just like a weird way of saying like people who don't look down on others when they're in a more advantageous position.

You know what I mean? Hey, as a concept, I totally agree. I think that if people in power should be loyal and respectful. Absolutely. On a dating profile, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Yeah, it's a two. So yeah, conceptually a 10. Functionally, three.

I've reread this so many times since last week and I'm just like, what does it mean? And then finally we have Carolyn. My choice of drink tends to be bourbon. Getting out of the city whenever I can. Yes, I'm very much a girly girl who enjoys making up and heels, but I also have a growing collection of knives, have my gun license, and

not afraid of mud. Also a huge fan of cooking and absolutely can out eat you. Okay. It's I don't understand the dichotomy of like, I'm a girl girl but also I have guns and knives. You can be a girly girl and have guns and knives. That's cool. Well, that's what I'm saying. It's like, I was like, I'm a girl girl, but also I have guns and knives. You can be a girly girl and have guns and knives. That's cool.

Well, that's what I'm saying. It's like, I was like the weird sort of like split of being like, this is one side of me, but also here's this other side of me. And like, I don't know. I don't ever want to know that you have, that you have ready access to dangerous objects. You know what I mean? Like that, that as a thing to sell yourself to me of being

like hey i have multiple instruments of murder just at my disposal seems like a weird thing to to broadcast on a dating profile i like that they give us a bit about them i worry that the like i'm a girl but i also like these things like it could well just be that they're you know working off society because a lot of the times like societally those things are not put together so it's like you know if she's just kind of pointing that out to people who would have those views sure i worry that she has those views you know what i mean like she very much would be entrenched in those it It's unclear, but like realistically, all we know is that she likes makeup and heels, which I'm sorry,

it's quite a boring fact. Um, and then also has weapons and gets drunk. It's like, Hmm. Hmm. It's a recipe for, for success.

It's a six for me. I'm going to give it a four. I'm a soft boy. I don't want, I don't want to be hurt. That's fair as a girl who pulled oh we just got one sent in in real time should we do it yeah yeah let's do it all right i've never read it so here we go this is joelle follower of christ proud of my frenchy accent looking for a christian man who shares similar faith and values as well as has a great

sense of humor my faith is very important to me. Sundays, church, brunch, hike. Do you think she likes Christ? Now, here's the thing. Obviously not a thing for me. I'm not a religious person, but I don't think there's anything really red flaggy in there. You know what I mean? Like, I think there was nothing there that was like,

you know, I don't want someone who will burn in hell if they don't believe it. I think it's very clear that like they have their religious views, which can be problematic in its own right, but I think for a profile in terms of red flags I'm not seeing a whole lot. I'm sorry

anyone who says follower of Christ that's a red flag to me Okay. Just say Christian or fucking whatever you are, you know what I mean? Follower of Christ is very culty. Fair Right? Like are you know what i mean follower of christ is very culty fair right like you know if she was just like christian looking for whatever a man who shares similar values and all that i wouldn't love all the church stuff but i do appreciate that they're laying it out you know what i mean yeah honestly it's the follower of christ bit that's

that's the only red flag for me i wouldn't swipe personally that's the thing it's the follower of Christ bit. That's the only red flag for me. I wouldn't swipe, personally. That's the thing. Personally, this is not the person for me. I am not this person. I'm sorry. Sundays, I'm not going to church. I close Saturday night. I'm not getting home until 4 a.m.

Absolutely fucking not. So, obviously, this profile is not for me. But I think for someone else out there, this is a decent profile. So, I'm going to say it's a seven. So back home as a man who grew up going to church every Sunday, church brunch and a hike that that's I could do that. You know what I mean? Maybe not these days.

I don't necessarily want to, but that's not the worst morning. So yeah, you tell me what restaurant we're meeting at. I'll meet you there, but I'm sleeping here. I'm sorry. Again, I closed Saturday night. I'm not fucking going to church. It's going to be a 6.5.

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because that means the world keeps the show going so thank you thank you thank you you ready yep for bill a little bad sex writing uh this is a i guess like a help book it's probably it's like a pickup artist book i think it's david david data the way of the superior man oh and this is chapter 16 women are not liars keeping your word is a masculine trait in men or women a person with a feminine essence may not keep her word yet it's not exactly lying. In the feminine reality, words and facts take second place to emotions and the shifting moods of relationship. When she says, I hate you, or I'll never move to Texas,

or I don't want to go to the movies, it's often more of a transient feeling wave than a well-considered stance with respect to events and experience. On the other hand, the masculine means what it says. A man's word is his honor. The feminine says what it feels. A woman's word is his honor. The feminine says what it feels. A woman's word is her true expression in the moment.

Nothing says rape apologist like that whole bullshit. Imagine being in a relationship and you're like, I don't want to move to Texas. And he's like, okay. All right, honey. Oh, you're so feminine i get it fuck that's also such a specific like i love how his two first fucking quotes are when she says i hate you and i'll never move to texas like this almost reads like a parody hey david data did someone break up with you because they didn't want to move to Texas? It's like, hey, baby, I know you said you didn't want to move to Texas, but we're moving.

Start packing. Please don't forget my box in the attic. My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Noss Bane. And we've been your fuck buddies. you