F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 162 - First Date Poo Crimes

Episode Date: November 8, 2021

Before you do anything, take a second and think to yourself, "Hey.  Did this happen in Dumb and Dumber?"  Topics include a really crappy first date, having the basic essentials of being an adult, a boggling bedtime invitation, mutual masturbation empowerment, a not-so suspicious work place friendship, addressing the construct that is virginity and the made-up science of dating.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller And my name is Niles Spainain. And we're your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and we turn them into sexy, sticky situations. Simply put, we're a sex and dating advice podcast.

We find questions either online or from our wonderful listeners and we answer them here on this very show. In like a few minutes or seconds. Today. Right here in your ears oh you mean we're going to start doing it shortly and not that we answer questions in a few seconds oh we definitely don't answer questions in a few seconds no god well i mean i was gonna say we're about to do in a few seconds but we're not because i'm gonna take us on a detour and that detour begins like this what's the most embarrassing thing you've ever done on a date, Dane?

Let's say first date. Let's say first date. First date. There was a time, I don't remember if it was the first date or not, but before I really got my, figured out what was causing my stomach distress i did take a very very big uh pretty pretty aggressive pretty criminal poop in a date's bathroom that just sort of like seeped like it wasn't contained in just bathroom zone it really did sort of smell i assume and not not the poop itself yes yes that's good That's good. That's good. So it's like it's really hard to sort of like pull any sexy maneuvers when you're like, I did that.

Yeah, I constructed. I left that for you. That poop crime in there. I did that. That was me. Came out of my body. Would you like me to be inside your body? Yeah, I feel like I don't really know. I did once like it wasn't really a first date more than like a one night stand kind of thing. But I did go home with someone and like we've been out drinking and I was a little drunk and like the tensions were high.

Like we were like all over each other on the way back to hers. We knew what was going to happen once we got there. Kind of ruined it by being like, I got to run to the bathroom. At which point I had to pee in her shower because I had a boner you know so there's just piss all over shower because i was just peeing up eventually get outside she's like all right i'm gonna go to the bathroom and like i stripped off and got onto her bed which i also at the time didn't know which room was hers so i just got on a bed not thinking about it because i was quite drunk and then she came out and there was like a moment where she like

looked at me and like froze and I was like, oh shit. It kind of like sobered me up for a minute and I was like, none of the things I just did are okay. But then she was like she took her clothes off. Everything was fine. I don't think she ever found out about the pee, although she did ask to get in the shower later and I left. But none of these are as

bad as this story. This is our sex news for the day. I do want to address. What do you mean you had to pee in the shower? Cause my bone, I had a fucking boner. So where the fuck else am I going to pee? There's like tiles on the shower. So I could pee up and I could just drip down.

What do you mean by pee up? I had a boner. My dick's pointing upwards. Like literally straight up towards your face. Well, like at a 45 degree angle up my dick doesn't point straight up well that's what i mean like i mean i've pissed with a boner before and i've never been like let me just cover this shower yeah but how the hell did you get in the toilet you just like take a step back you gotta work your trajectories your arc also you feel like maybe my upwards boner trajectory is worse than yours or something but like

i would probably have to be god so far from the toilet okay like that and like it was like it was very hard like i couldn't force it down. It was not doing that. Okay. I know. Yeah, it was anyway. It was an emergency. I knew the longer I spent in the bathroom, the more she thought I would be doing like a Dane Poo crime or, you know, just like the smoldering fires of our desire would go out. Either way, this leads me to an article posted on the BBC this morning. Are you ready for a woman trapped in a window trying to retrieve poo after Tinder days?

Okay. A woman who threw her poo out of her date's toilet window because it would not flush had to be rescued after she got stuck trying to retrieve it. The amateur gymnast was on a date with a Bristol student when she panicked and threw the feces

out the window. It did not land in the garden but became wedged between two non-opening windows. After climbing in head first, she became wedged. They had to call the fire service for help. Oh, man. There are pictures of her upside down, through

the window, in distress. Did she blimp out? Not really. There's pictures of firemen extracting her. And it's quoted that they had to compose themselves first, probably because they're laughing at the fact that this woman is stuck between two windows, reaching down to claim the shit she threw with her bare hands out said window like isn't that a scene from dumb and dumber i'm almost positive that happens in dumb and dumber well it's also

seen from this man's toilet fuck me that's horrible like this person literally we've joked about having to like flee a country or a city like you literally have to like you can't go on living in this place there's no way you could if by this place you mean the mortal plane yes well i don't want to encourage no i'm not not anything grim i just think you need to like you know transcend yeah transcend physical world transcend any world where poop and windows mean anything and just become like ether power. You know? Yeah. You need to

shift into the invisible ethereal plane. Also, who took this fucking picture? Because the guy, I will say, there's an interview with the guy he seems largely unfazed by this actually. Apparently he handed her a plastic bag while she was stuck she scooped the poop out he took it and flushed it so fair play to him um

he also said she's a lovely woman and that he who knows what the future holds between them when asked to date he said we got on very very well and she's a lovely girl so he actually seemed very uh very chill so it leads me to believe it was in fact the fireman either way it all seems quite shit don't take a picture if okay guys a little advice you have a date who's stuck between your two windows scooping her own poop don't take a picture that's not cool yeah i mean it could be anyone passerbys like you know everyone's got a phone in their pocket these days well it's from inside oh no like i thought it was like from outside this moment no oh sorry let me send you oh hmm do i have it oh boy this is terrible i'm sorry i'm sorry for all this so there you go there's

some sex news so i mean like this is great and this is something i feel like we can refer back to for years to come of like anytime someone's like i you know there i was on my period and there was a little bit of spotting blood on the sheets and i'm mortified or i came on my my date's knee because he was the sex or the makeout was so hot i'm so embarrassed nothing nothing will be as bad as this yeah this is well i'm sure someone could top it but yeah this is one of the most embarrassing things i've ever like just heard of or seen i know there's the one story going around a while ago that i don't know whether it was like a fictional thing or not where someone had similar

situation taking a shit on a date it wouldn't flush so she scooped it out and put it in the fictional thing or not where someone had similar situation taking a shit on a date it wouldn't flush so she scooped it out and put it in the cat litter box and then he was like hey did you shit in my litter box she was like why would you think that and he's like my cat died like two weeks ago and there's a fresh shit in there

so oh no just be like he's come back to visit you it's his parting gift are you watching the interview yeah it just started like he's come back to visit you it's his parting gift are you watching the interview yeah it just started automatically it's yeah i mean like there are things that you like these were decisions that she made there are things that sometimes you can't control do you sneeze into a vagina sure you know throwing up because you gagged on a dick to her embarrassing but like you know your body's gonna do what your body's gonna do this woman

said hey this poop it's gotta go and i'm gonna use my hands to do it poorly use his window as the means of egress and i'm not gonna do a good throw either yeah i mean look i don't know what i would do in the situation but probably not that i feel like you just like oh this is really embarrassing your toilet's, not flushing. And then ask if they have, like, a plunger or some shit. Or just, like, cover up the poop with toilet paper so they don't have to see it. And ask for some assistance. Like, you know.

Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. But I don't think at any point in time I'd be so desperate that hands. Just air on the shit out a window yeah no i don't think like i said i am 90 certain that jim carrey does this in or maybe it's jeff daniels in dumb and dumber there yeah i don't know if the other thing i feel like there's a very similar situation to the the cat box poop thing in broad city and i don't know if that was inspired by real life or not, because this seems fake.

And this is real. The, the cat boxing is, is an even stranger one because like, unless the, the litter box is in the bathroom or literally right beside the bathroom, there's travel time to be accounted for as well. If you shuttling your poop.

And also like, unless your cat is real big or your shit is real weird. Like, I don't know. You're going to be able to tell. Oh yeah. I would, Also, unless your cat is real big or your shit is real weird, I don't know. You're going to be able to tell. Oh, yeah. I would, after 13 years of shoveling my cat's shit, I would know if there was a foreign poo in there, if there was a human poop in there.

I don't know. You didn't catch me last time. I did. I just didn't care. Aw man that was really kind uh for those listening who can't you know parse the banter i didn't do that i'm cutting this out damn it hey hey dane how about we further don't get onto advice and i hit you with this. Okay. Do you like updates to previously asked questions? I love them. Hey, do you remember the flat earth question?

Yeah. Yeah. Here's an update. Okay. Thanks to everyone who read and responded. Couldn't reply. It got locked. Post was less serious than people took it.

A lot of people thought I was really desperate for it to work out and would overlook advice. The contrary. I was mostly joking. But, you know, wasn't sure. Thanks to those who got in touch, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, so we spoke for a few more days before she asked the dreaded question, have you been vaccinated? I have been, but figured things were going to be interesting. I asked for the reason for her inquiry. Her response, her whole family's avoiding the vaccine. Her friends have suggested it's dangerous to even date vaccinated people she's also done her research and found out merely being in the presence of vaccinated people can cause a woman to have worse periods and increase the risk of

miscarriages she's advising her pregnant sister to stay home and avoid being around people needless to say we haven't seen each other since we called it yeah We called it like 1 million percent. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, if you want to know why we're an award-nominated sex and dating podcast, it's because we have this foresight. It's true. And we don't mean like foresight like the usual term. We mean we have foresight.

It's something that happens when you travel to the edge of the flat Earth. No. Yeah, there's the third eye. And then we have the fourth eye, which is spotting crazy shit that people do while they date other people. You ready for some questions? Well, wait, first. No, yeah, let's do it. This is from Monday Wedding 7499. Is it rude to buy my boyfriend bedsheets?

I've recently started a relationship with a guy that I really like. I've stayed the night at his apartment once and I hated being there. I would like to see him more and not have him solely come and visit me, but I'm not comfortable in his apartment. Some of the issues that he has are out of his control, but there is one thing that is, his bedsheets. He has a nice comfortable mattress and he just lays a blanket on top of it. He sleeps with one thin flat sheet and two pillows that need to be thrown out. When I came to visit last time, I brought my own pillow and blanket just in case. He was slightly offended, but it made me sleep more comfortably. I mentioned to him that he should get a new bed set, but he refuses because it's enough for him.

Should I purchase a bed set for him? I don't want to be rude or come off as taking over his space. What would you do in this situation? Bring your own pillow and blanket. It's a wild move. I feel like if between that and the literally bringing it up

to him, he doesn't get it. There's probably either a way more specific conversation you have that you need to have with that you need to have with him or just like i don't know i don't think anyone can be pissed that you got them a fucking bed sheet you know what i mean it might be weird if you guys have only been dating a short time did they say uh they said recently started so it's a yeah you could just be like i'm used to you know x or y or like oh i'm cold because you don't have enough

blankets or anything like that if you phrase it in a way that's more making it about you than it is about him and just be like i'm gonna buy it like don't worry about it i think you can get around this issue without offending him yeah this is i think this is a tightrope situation because i think that like if someone did this to me I think I would kind of be like a little, like, I don't like when, when someone sort of like takes over my space or, or thinks they have the right to like either remove or add to like my,

my space. And that was something that like, I really struggled with like moving in with like a partner. You have to decide like what you're keeping and what you're not keeping and and what you know whose mattress and whose bed we keep and what sheets and towel you know what i mean like all that kind of shit kind of happens and like i don't know why i'm touchy about that but i think a lot of people are so i think that like at the start of a relationship if someone came in and was like hi here's this bed sheet that i bought for you it's like cool i had no say in the color or the design and like i i don't want i would be so turned off by that and like i i don't think

this is a good idea i think what you said i think is a good idea of being like i don't think he probably just thinks you're being woman and you're you're a bougie and it's, you're a bougie. And it's like, you know, a lot of dudes I think are very comfortable with like if they had a TV and a couch, like cool, all done. I mean, like let's compare your apartment when you first moved in to your apartment now that you live with your partner.

Yeah. It is. It's a much, it's a much different vibe because like, I don't think you really gave a shit. Like, no, I definitely didn't. And like, it's, it's both a good and a bad different vibe because like, I don't think you really gave a shit. Like, no, I definitely didn't.

And like, it's, it's both a good and a bad thing because you know, you, you coat, you get by on life and you like, you know, if things don't bother you, they don't need to bother you. Like, it's fine. Is my place a lot nicer now? Yes. Or like somewhat, you know, um, on the flip side, it does sound like this person has some very bare bones shit yeah you know and like sometimes you need that kick to like be like okay yeah i am an adult i need to step this

up even slightly yeah i would love to know their age because this strikes me as like fresh out the dorm room let's say early 20s yeah um i think the older you guys get if you're in your 30s and he's acting this way I think I'd be a little bit more concerned because like at some point in time you do have to be an adult and like even if you're happy even if you are content with a flat sheet and

the oldest pillows you've ever owned there's still like if you want to be a romantic partner to someone, you still have to make accommodations and be like, well, I should at least like put in a little bit of effort. And I think that's kind of where it needs to come from. You need to have that, as you said, a specific conversation. And the next time he invites you over and be like, I'm really sorry, but like, I'm not super comfortable sleeping over at your place because

you, your bed is like a 16 year old or like a dorm room kind of thing and it's like i'm i'm not comfortable that like sleeping on a mattress isn't something i like to do i'm really sorry but like if you want to come to my place great but i have no problem visiting you but i don't think i'm going to sleep over yeah and see how he takes that and you can even like you know just be like oh i haven't been sleeping well or like yeah you know i'm uncomfortable like these things again make it more about you than about him like you're not saying hey i don't want to stay over because you're a cheap fuck or like oh i don't want to stay over you're a big baby child who can't you know buy adult stuff

you know because that's not going to go well even if it's true yeah if you say like oh i just honestly i haven't slept well like i find whatever uncomfortable you know he will presumably want you to sleep well and want you to be over and then hopefully won't get offended you know what i mean but i do feel like you know my bed was always fine my sheets are always good you know because i wouldn't want to take anyone home and you know and i'm talking about like a one-night stand or like the first time we hooked up not even like anybody you know successive right i would want to have it at least at a good level and this doesn't seem like that's even there so you know you gotta talk to him if you're buying him a fucking present of sheets and you're not, you know,

offending him, or you're going out of your way to try not to, I'm hoping it would go well. But just try to keep it about you, if that makes any sense. If you're planning to be sexually active, and I think this is... I would lean this more towards dudes, but at the same

time, if I went over to a woman's house and she had a bare mattress and like one sheet I'd be like the fuck is happening here and and I'm not a I'm not a bougie person I don't need your place to look like a fucking you know I don't want to date people who are living in a penthouse or you know have have all the fancy shit I don't need that but like if you don't have a simple bed set uh i would be i would be a bit concerned about like what your age yeah or like what other like how much effort you're putting in with like other aspects of your life i i think it's it's like even if like i don't even give a shit if it's made

you know i mean i don't give a fuck if we if we roll into your room and you have a like an unmade bed because that implies that there are sheets on it which is all I'm asking for now the thing is this guy's never had an unmade bed I mean yeah I guess but he's also never made a bed

so yeah it's wild so have a talk with him try to make it not like not like you're coming for him not like you're criticizing him you know what i mean and hopefully it'll be all right good luck you ready yep friend wants me to sleep in bed with her during the week i visit is this her making a move additional notes she texted me a few days later and told me i don't wear pants when i sleep is there is that all we get for this uh that's all i remember it was basically like the only other stuff is like they've been friends for four years or something it's i would wager i like

there's there's a lot of gray area here of being like, have you guys slept over before? Why are you visiting her? Were you ever flirty outside of this? But my gut reaction is to say, yeah, this is probably a play. She's probably making a move here to be like, hey, come on and stay with me for a week. Also, sleep with me in my bed. Also, not going to be wearing pants. Like if...

Yeah, because like even... I don't think a normal person says that and doesn't realize it can be misconstrued if that's not what they mean, right? Because if for some reason you are just... You cannot wear pants in bed. You just like... You made a genie deal.

If you ever wear pants, your granddad keels over. You know what I mean? You cannot do it. Will not do it. Then you just like you made a genie deal if you ever wear pants your granddad keels over you know what i mean you cannot do it will not do it then you say like oh look i can't wear pants in bed just a heads up i know this sounds really bad but i'm not trying to sleep you which still does kind of sound like you want to sleep with them i i feel like there's no coming back from that but i also feel like there's there's the thing of being like she invited him to sleep in the bed but one thing if like he or or you know i mean like if if there was the the implication that like he wanted to share the bed with her and then she was like oh i don't wear her pants and you'd be like oh maybe you were trying to use that as like a sorry you can't i don't feel comfortable i don't wear pants

so like yeah like maybe you'll stay on the couch. But to be like sleep in my bed. Also, don't wear pants is I mean, those are those are two very sexually charged suggestions. Like a good friend could be like, hey, you don't need to sleep on my shitty couch or my floor, you know? Yeah, because you don't know the apartment situation. A lot of people's apartments are not very conducive to sleeping on the couch, you know, because they might have shit couches. They might not have air conditioning in the room or out of roommates etc so it's like that part is reasonable right if it was just like oh my she's offering i could sleep in her bed like could just be a chill cool friend you know what i mean yeah the pants thing the odds of it being an honest warning yeah because like look if if i was having i sleep in my underwear

and no shirts or whatever but if i had someone like if we were crashing in well no i'm pretty sure we were in our underwear yeah but that's fine yeah we we only we held eye contact for only half the night so yeah i mean i guess also we're not potentially romantic partners with one another exactly but like the thing is i feel like if you were saying something like that and you wanted to not make them think that you were hitting on them, you would probably follow it up with like, uh, even joking like,

lol, that sounds bad, but ha ha ha. Like, you know what I mean? I feel like it's probably, probably not a come on. Or make the,

the accommodation to just put on some shorts that's the thing that's very easy like it's a lot easier to just wear shorts for a week than it is to be like hi i'm gonna make this really weird sexually charged comment and not clarify it friend so i would argue that yes they are in fact trying to do the nasty with you especially when you're like staying over like that first night you're really gonna gamble unless it's very obvious of being like do i make my new move otherwise i have nowhere to stay or i've made this trip very weird i say you still leave it in their court right because it's their place they're your friends and you know they're

the woman they're the one who would probably feel a lot more threatened in this situation if it goes south so by all means feel free to play back like being like oh shit that's super dangerous because i don't wear pants either you know what i mean like keep that flirty kind of like flame alive and like take off your pants before you get in bed and you know maybe like if they are really angling for this, unless you're very cold and distant, I think they will continue to do so. Also, I do want to know,

please make sure you're wearing something under your pants. Don't, don't just rock in there naked. Oh no. Well, when I say pants, I assume it's like trousers, right?

Yes. No, I know. I just wanted to look, man, we we've done this shit long enough that's for yeah that's true don't don't just go dick out you know because that's no that's that's a no box i would also she'll see she'll see your shaft a little bit through your

fabric and you know she'll like it maybe and maybe when you get their offer to like not sleep in the bed be like i like if like if you want to be you know pantsless i don't mind sleeping on the couch it's fine and if they're insistent they're like no no like please the the pants in the bed is a package deal then you're like okay cool like great i've i've kind of sussed out the vibe of this trip. But if they're like, oh, cool, great, thanks, I really appreciate that. I'll grab you your blanket and thing. Then you're like, okay, great, I misread this situation. There is no... That's the thing.

It is in no way just a green flag, right? It could be a good indication. It could be a very good indication. But I think as the guest as the person this person is doing a favor to uh a favor that includes letting you sleep in their bed so you're not uncomfortable i think you need to go through every effort to make sure that you don't misconstrue this or make them uncomfortable you know i think that's the most important thing here so it's like by all means test the water by replying to these these little flirty you know little

flirty sparks that are being thrown your way but you gotta you gotta really make sure that you know before anything happens yeah and like even if it means missing an opportunity to to do the nasty like i would rather kick myself that i missed an opportunity than kick myself that i misread the signals. You know what I mean? I'd rather be like, ah, I kind of slept with that person.

Then be like, oh cool. I've ruined this friendship and made them feel awful when they were doing something very nice. Yeah. Um, also it's funny cause we're kind of assuming this person wants to, but they never said they wanted to.

So it's like, if you're uncomfortable with this, then feel free to be like, ah, i don't really feel comfortable sleeping about you've got no pants on don't worry i got the floor i got the whatever you know you can be very clear about your boundaries too you don't have to very true get into bed in terror and be like oh no and then she's like oh we gotta cuddle now and you'd be like oh shit like establish your own boundaries the earlier earlier, the better too. So good luck.

This comes from Reddit user, EnvironmentalRoll57. I want to watch my husband pleasure himself until he finishes. But at the same time, I feel horrified with myself for thinking that and I get internally embarrassed. How do I deal with this?

Pretty much the title. I think I'd really enjoy watching him please himself. But at the same time, I feel disgusted with myself for even thinking it. And I feel like I'd just be embarrassed in the moment and make it uncomfortable for both of us. How do I sort of come to terms with this? Why would you feel embarrassed about that? Yeah, I don't know.

You know, I'm like, I'm not trying to, you know, demean anybody or whatever. But this is part of my advice is like, why? Why would you feel embarrassed about that? There's nothing wrong. Like it's in no way less sexual than fucking or whatever. You know what I mean? Mutual masturbation is totally a thing. And it's like people watch videos of women fingering themselves. You know what I mean? People watch videos of men jerking it. I'm sure. Um um this isn't a weird thing you're not weird for wanting it you presumably find your partner hot these are all normal things and it's like you know sometimes you feel things that you can't explain or shouldn't or whatever but like i think the first step is trying to like rationalize why you do and if you should you know what i mean like i'm not

saying it's insane for you to think it but i am saying you really need to try to think of why that is because from my point of view nothing wrong with that at all no and i think a lot of people deal with this when they're they come from a more conservative background of like sex is man woman penis vagina missionary do the deed and done kind of situation or or you know maybe not that cut and dried but like they don't understand that like a sexual relationship doesn't necessarily just need to be like sex it can be it can be any number of things including like you said mutual masturbation so if you want to address this, I also think, depending on your sexual relationship with your partner, I think if someone wanted to watch me just jerk off, I don't know if I would be down for that.

I think I would be very uncomfortable with that. Not that I think there's anything wrong with it. I just think that masturbation is a very private thing for me. And it's something that I enjoy doing by myself and to do it performatively, I think would take a lot of mental energy and I think would result in no results. Like I would be able to jerk off. Would I be able to finish? That's probably a tough one to say i don't know um and if i was it would literally be because i was so not paying attention to the fact that someone's watching me and maybe that's what they want i don't know that aside if you want to i don't i don't think it

will bother me i'd be like okay like i would probably be like damn i wish they were doing stuff to me but that might be part of the fun in like a almost like teasing way where you're like you know and if they're they're doing their own thing it's hot they're watching i don't know yeah i've definitely had partners like stop me and like just made me watch them like play with themselves which is cool but i'm just like what do i do and then they'll be like okay you jerk i'm like great but like i like like the the fact that you're present and physically here like i can do this we can do this over text or video or any other you know what i mean it's like i would like to be engaged with you at the moment um i do think like a whole thing where it's like you masturbate yourself

from start to finish and i'm just gonna watch it's like okay i do it i don't know how many times i would do it before i would get bored but like if you know you're kind of like in command and you like tell someone like oh you know start playing with yourself i find that very hot you know um again not as it wouldn't be as hot as like hey play yourself from start to finish i'm just gonna lie here and watch you know what i mean but hey what people are into they're into what i think you could do if you want to broach this uh a little more naturally is like when you guys are hot and heavy in bed and getting as a four player or whatever if you know if you're making out or whatever just ask him to be like i want you to stroke your cock and when he does it you know enjoy yourself and then

and then start playing with yourself or or let him know that like be like that's like i find that so fucking hot because without i don't like if you don't have that affirmation or that declaration of that you really enjoy this, I think a lot of people, myself included, would be like, now what? But if you're just – you know what I mean? I think that's kind of advice for pretty much any time you're doing things in bed, especially if they're new. It's like if you like it, tell them. You know what I mean? People crave reinforcement all the time in everything and it's like especially in sex and the funny thing is it's like you might be so into it in the moment that you're just kind of like

silent and then it's like the best things might seem like the worst things you're not so 100 if you want to do something and your partner does it for you and you like it tell them please for the love of god and like you said you might get so caught up in the moment that like you might not have the mental capacity to do it but like afterwards when you guys are cuddling and calming down and a little aftercare or whatever you guys are getting into be sure to be like hey just so you know when you did that for me when i asked you to do that and you did it fucking loved it thank you that was incredible i really appreciate it you know what i mean like really really gush about it so that like

they if they were a little uncomfortable and did it to appease you they'll be more comfortable next time and then it also like if you're a good sexual partner if someone has ever mentioned anything about liking something i lock that in my brain forever yeah you know what i mean like if you tell me like if if i do something if you know on my way to go down to you i you know kiss my way down your body and you're like that was hot i loved it guess what i'm that's a permanent move now for you because i know you like it so why wouldn't i do it again in the fucking like move bank right there yeah and it's like i know there are some people that like i've been with women who like really really hard suction on their nipples and then i've been with other women who have been like eh i i could no no thanks

or the opposite or like ah they're sensitive yeah so it's like you need to tailor your your sexual moves and your move set from partner to partner but like pay attention to the things that your partner really likes and and don't just do it once especially if they've asked you to do it if if your partner's asked you for something, it's not like they're going, unless they then say, you guys do it. And you're like, oh, yeah, I thought that would be cooler. Sorry. Didn't really like that. And also, unless you don't want to do it, because this is presupposing it's something you do want to do, right?

Yes. Yeah, 100%. And like, I think we both kind of come from a place where like maybe jerking it, start to finish might take a while, might be awkward, blah, blah, blah. So it's like,

maybe don't start there. Maybe in the middle of foreplay, like get him hot and heavy, get him somewhat of the way there. And then, you know, I think like a very easy way to broach the subject would be like, you know,

if you like whisper in his ear, be like, where would you want to come? You know? Cause I get, if this is something you're comfortable with because like if he wants to come on your chest or like you know somewhere you're okay with you can be like okay you know do it and like lie back and make him do it you know what i mean because then it's a little bit of stuff for him it's like a game it's performative blah blah blah blah it like kind of adds more to it than

just being like jerk it, you know? Yeah. And most importantly, from the point I was making, it's like you've kind of already stoked the fires. He's not starting from zero and moving all the way up. But yeah, I really like I think you need to nail down the reasons why you feel embarrassed about it. Like, is it something internalized, you know know religiously or growing up or blah blah blah is it what you think he's okay with and not okay with um because i really don't think anybody's gonna be upset with you being like i find x about you very hot you know and if they are then it's

like cool now you know yeah that's the thing like yeah i think it's gonna be easier to get over if it's been shot down than if it's still a possibility yeah for sure this could be a fun thing to like if you guys are ever apart you can ask him for like videos of him you know jerking off and stuff like that and like that's a that's a very easy thing to do it doesn't work well on camera i tell you that jerking off yeah why i told you my skype. Oh, yeah. Or like, it just, it was too fast. It doesn't show up on the camera.

It's just a blur. It's just a big cock blur. I guess cameras have, have come. Yeah, I was going to say, you're not using a fucking like 1994 one megapixel webcam. I wasn't jerking it when I was four, Dane. Or was I? No, I wasn't. Yeah, I use a better camera, I guess. Or just go slower, which is what I did at the start.

Next question? Yeah. Or maybe some advice for you. If your head is still blurring with today's technology, maybe slow down, dude. Gotta go fast. Your sonic hand job at yourself. Yeah. This is My Boyfriend Lunch Dates with Female Coworkers. Sorry, This is my boyfriend lunch dates with female co-workers.

Sorry, this is by less historian 482. Hello. Maybe I am overreacting, so I want some opinions. I feel my boyfriend who I live with has been acting different. My boyfriend's new co-worker is a young female who he has been having lunch with lately. I know this because I saw it on his phone. They also mess with each other, funny memes, and other non-workwork related stuff i brought it all up to him and he got really mad he's never been friendly with female co-workers before this is very odd to me they've gone to lunch a few times

because they have meetings together he says i don't know what to think man it fucking sucks where i want to be on this dude's side and be like it is fine to have female friends or it's fine to have like friends of the opposite gender. But anytime it's like I talked to my partner and they got upset at me. I would love to know what that means and if that's an overreaction on whose part or whatever. But like I'm going to take everything at face value. And like so one, if your partner comes to you with a concern, especially something as let's be honest, tedious at this point as this is don't freak out because it just makes you seem so fucking guilty of something or it seems like what you're doing

is wrong or that you need to defend yourself or something stop freaking out about shit like almost every question we get where it's like my boyfriend's done this or my girlfriend has done this and then when i talked to them about it they got really upset now stop i would love to know like how they brought it up and if in bringing it up they were like accusatory slash jealous or mentioned that they went through his phone i mean you know what i mean because i feel like that could be the reason why he was in fact really mad and we talked about this i think can't remember it was pillow talker last week but i think it actually might be on our upcoming articles what you're thinking about oh fuck yeah damn we just got so many pans in the fire yeah we've got fucking

our fingers in every pie you can read this in our upcoming tickle.com article tickle.life damn it um so yes i there's any number of reasons why you should be or you could be upset but you still have to like like i said the second you get upset makes you seem defensive and that just adds more fuel onto the fire regardless of what they've done you can be upset you need to find a way to express your disappointment or frustrations without getting worked up and again i don't know what this looks like or you know what i mean we'll try to leave the the guesswork kind of at the door but we do have to bring we have to invite them in a little bit just brief hours yeah for a small cup of tea and then we'll ask them to leave the more context the better but like we're always

context starved yeah anything can barely subsist on the context we're given we're just sometimes i'm walking down the street and i finally use context on the ground i slurp it up just to keep me going until the next week man i really thought you were gonna say condoms for some reason and the rest of that said yeah um so that's my advice for him if what he's saying is true and it's just he's made a friend which let's be fair our group chat is nothing but fucking memes most of the time or bullshit like stuff about our jobs and how stupid everyone is in the world if if all they're sending is memes and then going for lunch because they work together you have no right to be upset about this he's giving you no indication that he's

being unfaithful like it's so stupid well the thing is she says he's been acting different and then never says any way he's been acting different apart from the fact that he had lunch with a young female co-worker and he's never been friendly with female co-workers before well i think that's what she means i think it's like he has a female friend at work it's like yeah that you don't know what the industry is either yeah exactly that this seems so like is having meetings with co-workers of red flag or having lunch with co-workers red flag fucking no is messaging each other funny memes and other non-related stuff no that's called being fucking friends or at least friendly you know i mean none of these things are red flags on their own the fact that aside from him getting mad which could have been

for you going through his phone or how you brought it up or could be defensive could be he's a shit bag we don't know but what we do know is the things you're upset all seem really fucking normal yeah i mean like for all we know this is like a like a stem field or something which is like male dominated pretty pretty classically so like maybe the fact that he hasn't been friendly with female co-workers is like there haven't been a whole lot of options yeah it's been like karen and accounting that like why would he ever hang out with her yeah maybe it's just the first person like near his age or maybe it's just that he knows you're a little flammable on the subject because in the comments dame you find out she did a big post about how opposite gender

friendships shouldn't exist someone called her up and then she deleted them all and was like fuck you and now it's a whole thing but like i had this knowledge from going down which is why i think i've been a little bit more on his side. But apparently she's a whole thing where she just doesn't believe men should be friends with women ever, which we've talked about before. And that's fucked. Yeah. I mean, that's well, I mean, like at that point, like the question solves itself is she's upset that he has a female friend. Yeah.

Case in point. The advice here is you're wrong. You're allowed to be friends with people of other genders other than your own. In fact, I highly encourage it. Yeah, that's how you gain empathy. That's how we get men who understand that like,

oh, maybe I shouldn't catcall the woman at 2am. Not that you need to be friends with a woman to know that, but it's a good place to start for people who the woman at 2am not that you need to be you know friends with a woman to know that but like yeah it's a good place to start for people who don't know that yeah i feel like if you aren't friends with the opposite gender or any other gender other than your own because there isn't a binary so opposite doesn't make sense if you're not friends with other genders you are not a complete human being like it can happen to people whatever but like if you're actively like oh can't do that you need to fix that that's a fucking bit of advice right there

yeah if it just kind of happens that like all your friends are dudes or whatever okay but like if you start like becoming friendly with someone at work and you're like oh man you're really cool, but you don't have the same stuff as me in your downstairs region. And therefore, we can't do. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. We can't be friends. Damn. We'll be cool if we could be friends, though.

It'd be really cool. Really cool. Wish God hadn't made that rule or however the fuck you try to make it make sense. Yeah. Anyway, none of these things are red flags. People should have fucking friends. Don't be a jealous piece of shit. Yep. you try to i don't know make it make sense yeah anyway none of these things are red flags people should have fucking friends don't be a jealous piece of shit yep hit me um this is gonna be a quick one which is good because we're almost at the end of the the old show i got an old quick

one for you too so just fucking let's little little quick fencing match at the end i don't okay i i feel like i don't even really need to read the, the, the right thing. I'm just going to say no. Um, well, will someone ever love me again? Despite the fact that I'm not a virgin. Yes,

we're all not versions. Well, like a lot of us. And so I will, I'll read the whole thing because I think there's sentiments in here that we need, like in case someone ever feels the same, they can look back at this and be like, oh, yeah, this is bullshit. They're a 19-year-old female.

I live in a very religious country. Ever since my childhood, I've been hearing things like sex is so bad. A girl should always keep herself away from men, always has to protect herself, and you shouldn't experience anything sexual until you're married. Even masturbating has seemed as an evil thing here. Over the years, I started to resent the whole religion thing and ideas. I started questioning my own faith. I'm now agnostic. And I started having sex a year ago. I enjoy it. I love it. It makes me feel good. My boyfriend thinks the same way as me. But certain things happen between us, and I've considered breaking up so many times. But then it feels like an impossible thing. Like I can't break up with him.

He took my virginity. I have to marry him now, otherwise no one will ever love me. And any man or any men I have a relationship with hate me when they learn about it. I feel so dirty and worthless. I know sex is good for your mental health and physical health, but I can't help but feeling a horrible person. You are not dirty. You are not worthless. Straight up. Throw that out of your mind the second you can.

Scour that thought from your mind because that's awful. I'm sorry you feel that way. Maybe if you find someone as religious as the people you grew up with, they might feel that way. Maybe if you meet some weird douchebag who's obsessed with women's body counts and blah, blah, blah. If you've listened to the podcast, you know there are people out there who do get weird about partner sexual history. That is a them problem, not a you problem, as is the religious issues. Aside from that, there's absolutely nothing wrong with the fact that you've lost your virginity or been sexually active. You are in no way tainted or lesser or dirty or worse or corrupted or any words you could think of it. And most people feel the exact same way. So you're okay.

And we've talked about it before, and I think we'll continue to talk about it until it becomes a thing. Virginity is a social construct. Virginity, as an idea, there's nothing, having sex with someone doesn't change anything about you at all.

So the only thing that, that like virginity was something that we came up with you know way back when to value women as bargaining pieces for marriage and trade and you know making alliances with other families and shit and like that was the the arbitrary distinction between virgin and not virgin was, you know, how much your dowry was going to be. We don't do that shit anymore. Well, I mean, I don't know where you live, so you might actually still do that where you are. I'm not

sure if there are cultures that still do it. There's a chance if there are still cultures out there that think or place this much weight on the concept of virginity. So hopefully you're young. Hopefully when you go out and experience more of the world, whether it's college or post-secondary education, you'll find more people who think like you. You have questioned your faith. You have become

agnostic. Hopefully you will, through natural social progression, you'll become close with people who feel that way and hopefully that will also imply that they have the same views of sex as you and because niall discussed it but like there are people out there who yes you will find a man and and probably plenty of men it sounds like from where you are who will be like oh i i couldn't possibly you're you're old damaged goods because you've had sex yeah they like they're gonna exist and that sucks but hey guess what you don't want to be with that person anyway yeah the only people out there who subscribe to these beliefs are shit yeah they're not gonna be a good partner like yeah it's like oh great you you'll be able

to be with someone who doesn't respect your autonomy or your body or your free will or like why would you want like you're you're being concerned that you might never get to be with someone who's terrible yeah and that's like a pretty good place to be because yeah yeah you don't want to be with these fuckheads you don't so i mean at the end of the day i know this is easier said than done family culture and stuff are hard to leave but like maybe moving to somewhere more progressive whether it's it's another country or another area within your the country you live in find a place that's a little more progressive and and not quite as rigid because nothing good is going to come out

from this sort of like religious indoctrination ever anywhere like you it's rare that places like this you see like a flourish of anything other than hate and misery and also like don't let anything stand in the way of you leaving a relationship that isn't healthy for you anymore. Even if you knew no one was ever going to be your partner. It's like if this relationship isn't working for you, it's not working for you. Yeah, it's better to find happiness through your own, you know, solitude and solo pursuits than it is to be miserable with someone. And the best part is that's never like that was a worst case scenario of no one ever loving you again, which is impossible, I think. So you're good. But this also leads into

my very quick question. Chances of finding a partner are slim. I recently read chances of finding a compatible partner who likes you back are slim. One in 562 to be exact. The study was done in the UK, so it might not be comparable to the us where i'm from or it could just be a scare tactic to convince people to join e-harmony which seems to be the sponsor of the study but it got me thinking how small my chances of finding a partner are she's 24 by the way i am further discouraged because i'm a tall female who prefers to date man my height or taller which narrows the dating pool even more does this study have any validity the the fact that you literally clocked that e-harmony was the sponsorship for a study that tells you that you'll never find your match on your own is like believing the the studies from

the the 50s of tobacco sponsored cigarette companies being like yep it'll cure all your problems like and sure there might be some validity in like the idea that we are like the our our concept of compatibility might be skewed like i don't know if that's sort of like the scientific skew or angle or bias or whatever but like you always need to look anytime you see a study that seems kind of like fucked you need to look where it's coming from which is why like i mean the the food pyramid is one of the biggest shams in the world because it was all sponsored and funded by the companies who are at the top yeah i haven't seen gatorade on there once it's got the electrolytes you crave yes but like also

how the fuck are you supposed to like quantify compatibility like if you've ever dated or ever met anybody ever it's like some people who seem great on paper aren't some people who you never thought you'd find yourself being attracted to you are some people really click some people don't like you literally could not even if you tried to list everything you like and wanted you'd find somebody and there'd be something about them you're surprised you like and something about them you're surprised you don't like could you could you give me the like the name of the study or like what the study i was measuring again chances of finding a compatible partner likes you back are slim yeah the the like the science pretty much stops immediately in the

title because like you said it's like what what what quantifies compatibility there's no it's like saying oh the most attractive people are x or y or z attraction is a subjective thing exactly it's it's up to like what i find attractive is not the same as what other people find attractive and the same thing with compatibility so in the the margin for error and even if we're going to say that this is a uh a legit scientific study the margin for error is so wide because one a lot of people don't know what their compatibility is exactly so the people who are like being like okay what do you want in a partner this this this and this might not actually be what works for them in a partnership it might be a wish list be leaving out the other three fucking things it's insane and i think we can both say that it's just no

this isn't true you're good yeah no like there's so much to ridicule in this and pull apart in this that like there's actually no real point in discussing it other than like what i'll just said is this is bullshit don't worry about it because this is only going to make you more jaded which will inadvertently make it harder to find someone who's compatible and likes you so fuck off get out of here with this also is it not just kind of saying every one person in 562 people is really compatible with you which is actually quite a lot of people yeah when you consider how many people are in this fucking planet or the city like unless you live in a town of 500 like hold on let's let's do some quick math

here so it looks like there's 11 000 people people in Toronto that are compatible with me right now. And if you look in the world, it's 1,408,1996. Or 1,408,000. 14,081,996 people. 0.43. So, oops. There's a corpse in there. Did I do this right? Did I do the math right on this?

I think I did. I don't think I did the math on my end correctly, but either way, yes, there are still plenty of people who are out there that are compatible for you. 100%. So you're good. Now talking about compatibility and online dating, ready for some tindies? Yes. At the end of every episode, we like to peruse online dating and go through profiles looking for red flags to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable. Now, should we just do compatible or not today? Yes, we're running a little long, so let's make it quick. Are you ready for Raimi? Mm-hmm.

If you want to go mountain biking or play frisbee golf with me, you've got a date. Or we could just grab a drink, preferably whiskey. That guy's cute, but how tall is he? 5'8". Dear Hithists, I get it, because I judge your body too. So let's make a deal. You forgive that I'm not 6 feet tall, and I'll do the same for your imperfect boobs, or butt, or your nose, or whatever else it is. Then we'll live happily ever after.

Man, that was actually a pretty good profile until that last little bit yeah it got real bitter yeah so i'm very aggressive and judgy and like you you you done ruined it dude yeah i'm gonna give that a not compatible not compatible this is liz i like to think i'm witty and have a good sense of humor love my dog working on my hobbies i'm a good listener looking for a kink experience d type d type i think dom ah okay compatible i love this because it starts so fucking bland like absolutely run-of-the-mill nothing special about it and then she's just like yeah i am also looking for for you know, like for a job. Like, yeah. Okay, great. Yeah. It's boring, but inoffensive at the start,

you know? And then she's like, but I'm also, I'm a little dirty. You're like, all right. Yeah. Hell yeah. Compatible for sure.

This is Stephanie. There's so many emojis. Get ready. Petite and positive rabbit emoji, two hearts emoji, coconut emoji, avocado emoji, some type of food emoji i think

it's a fucking like noodle bowl or something uh chocolate emoji martini emoji ice skating shoe emoji i skate emoji i mean uh meditation emoji roller coaster emoji movie cinema ticket emoji fucking camera emoji phone emoji island emoji sun emoji orange heart emoji daddy's girl girl emoji adrenaline junkie parachute emoji sunset lover sunset emoji health and fitness bike emoji ball emoji traveling and spontaneous experiences you don't have to go any further this sucks adventures Red balloon emoji. Experiences better than materialistic. Happy emoji.

Two injection emojis. And a, oh, I guess that's double vaxxed. But then they have like an unsure emoji. So I don't know if they're saying they're not sure if they're double vaxxed. They're not sure if they want you to be double vaxxed or they don't like that people are double vaxxed. Either way. All this says to me right now is texting this person would be a

fucking nightmare. Also, I'm not sure I love daddy's girl. Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna say not compatible. This is Julia. She's 24. She says nearly half of all Canadians are torsos. That's pretty good.

Is that it? Yeah, I have no idea what the fuck it means, but I said yes. Well, because it's like half of your body is your torso. Oh. It's pretty funny. Yeah. Compatible, for sure. This is Alex. Single mother times three. Addiction to mental health field.

Tila tequila looking for love vibes. If you don't get that reference, you're too young for me. I don't know how to perform makeup miracles, so this is the only face I got. My personalities, though, are plenty. I'll probably ask you what time you were born at. Hold on, did she say personalities? She said her personalities, though,

are plenty. Okay. Maybe when she said she was single mother times three, she meant she was, in fact, three single mothers. Three separate single mothers? separate single mothers yeah that's hmm hmm some sort of triple mother maybe uh

I'm gonna say not compatible yeah and that's not to shame anyone with mental disorders or anything like that mental and this is is a thing and you know should still. But the sneak in of the personalities,

if you are mentally ill, especially with something such as multiple personality disorder or schizophrenia, I think that's something you should be upfront about and talk about and not let people find out on their own. Pretty sure she isn't. So it's kind of a weird thing to say.

Maybe she is, but it doesn't come across like that especially when she says she's in the addiction and mental health field you would imagine she would be better able to convey this if it was real and if it isn't real would be better able to not make a joke about it and let's be real it might be a typo autocorrect is a thing that happens and maybe she missed it but either way i'm saying not compatible well even if it wasn't personalities it would be my personality are plenty which itself says or i guess my it's plain like it's enough i don't know maybe also red flag i'll ask you what time you were born at not compatible uh anna says i can pick you off with a headshot at 100 meters, so shoot your shot, winky face.

That's scary. Is she holding a gun in her picture? No. I think it's a video game thing. Is she a gamer? If she's a gamer, it's compatible. If she's threatening me with a gun, it's probably still compatible. There was no gun, but there's also no indication of a gamer girl either.

I'll swipe it and find out. Yeah. Compatible for now. And I also have an Anna to finish us off. You ready? Yeah. Newly single and looking to mingle. Lol.

Join me as I try to figure out life. Dot, dot, dot. Or don't. It's totally whatevs. You know, this is not a good profile but it's it's not great i'm still gonna say compatible for it because it is it is just the right amount of blasé for me of just being like hey man i'm just here for the ride let's go and i like that i like that energy honestly like i feel like i should be red flagging it because it's like newly single okay I don't need

to necessarily know that join me as I try to figure out life it's like I don't want to date someone who can't figure out life or don't it's totally what evs it's like what what are you doing I I guess you're not compatible all right more for me yeah hey dame it's totally what evs um thank you very much for listening that's going to do us for the show um if we we have a a tickle.life column coming out as soon as it launches you will be the first to know if you want more of this but in writing that's what it is we answer questions that are submitted through tickle um we answer them i think we've done a very good job on our very first article.

As soon as it's out, we will be posting links on all of our social media. So be on the lookout for that. If you would like to support the show, please head on over to fbuddiespodcast.com, submit a question on the contact page or head on over to our Patreon

and for a little bit of money, the cost of a beer, we'll get you an extra episode every month called Pillow Talk, where we go a little more freeform. We get a little loosey goosey. We still answer questions. We still do the advice thing, but we tend to play a few games, talk some bullshit. We get to be a little more relaxed in it. And that is available for everyone who subscribes.

There's currently three episodes up. So if you pledge now, you'll get three episodes and then you'll get a new one at the end of November. And thank you so much for everyone who is a patron. We did get two brand new ones in the last day or two. So thank you

in particular. We see you. We love you. We love you. For real. It means a lot. So thank you so much. Thank you, Josh Eagle and love you but for real it means a lot so thank you so much thank you josh eagle and the harvard cities for the song paper stars too but he does give us some tunes so he does give us that slide um now i don't know where you want to go on this one well you need to choose because i really have to pee and this is almost the end of the show. I'll just give you this one. This is a uncredited, very real story. They bring you brownies. Other things too.

A female coworker once left a warm homemade brownie on my desk and an almost as warm pair of freshly worn pantyhose in the top drawer. She also left a note in which she confessed to a certain highly personal activity she performed in those sameyhose. Later, she added, I figure you could decide what you wanted to eat first. Another woman, another woman wearing the tightest of white pants, waltzed into my office once and mused, what a wonderful day for a giant orgasm. Then, that advisory having been communicated, she waltzed back out. As Dave Barry is fond of writing, I'm not making this up. Except Dave is kidding. I'm dead earnest. And if you're a male reader thinking, come on, that doesn't happen.

Well, it just hasn't happened to you. Trust me, it happens. I'd love to know what he does for a living. He works in sex office. Like, imagine... I mean... Also, was the woman implying that he was was gonna eat the pantyhose that would be awful because like you know fun fun joke to be like oh you you know if you're hungry for more

i've got something else for you to eat but to be like hey i've given you two things what are you going to eat is is a pretty cool thing to do also this man just sounds like he's being sexually harassed non-stop yeah honestly it doesn't matter how hot you are if like even at the bar even at the bar where everyone flirts with everyone if i was making drinks and someone came up to get their drink and one of them leaned over and it was just like hey it'd be great day for huge orgasm i would be like this is the weirdest shit i mean what the fuck are you saying it's not that's not hot too every day is a great day for an orgasm what but also like why are you saying that to me get out of here the comment someone's like i'm not sure nylons actually hold heat like that so what else even brownies don't really hold heat like that

did she bake it at the office or in the morning before her commute did she make them last night microwave it in the office kitchen they discreetly wiggle out of her hose and shoes next to his desk she could stuff the hose in a drawer put her shoes back on then rifle through the pans on his desk so she found one that worked so she could leave a note. The logistics of this are completely baffling to me. Yeah, this is terrible. My name is Dave Miller. And that actually happened. Trust me.

Mouths pain. And this has been Fuck Buddies. It's all what ifs.