F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 163 - Hornymoon Phase

Episode Date: November 15, 2021

We've all heard about the honeymoon phase and that's cute... but what about the hornymoon phase?  Topics include dealing with exclusivity rejection, worrying about getting bored of your new partner, pre-screening your partner's libido, when you need to use lube or just more foreplay and a fresh batch of dating profiles to critique.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. And we're your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and we turn them into sexy, sticky situations.

Simply put, we answer questions on the topics of sex and dating. We find them either online through our wonderful listeners or, you know, in the newspaper. Anywhere, really. Sometimes a stranger will come up and sit beside us on the bus and hand us a newspaper with a question inside of it and just then, like, you know, leaves on the next stop. It's always the next stop. They've got impeccable timing. So, yeah. In fact, all of ours today have been sourced from mystery newspapers.

Men in beige trench coats and large brimmed hats and sunglasses. Who apparently either have no face or are very good at hiding it. Because I didn't see a single feature. No, no. It's the collar's up. You know, the hat is down. The sunglasses on. That's all you really.

That's fine. I don't want to know what they look like. The smoke bombs were a nice touch, though. Not on the bus, though. That did cause a bit of a. Yeah, we crashed. That's why we're recording this early. I don't know what correlation that has.

But we're doing like a little... I was going to say morning. It's very much not morning. I mean, this is kind of like bartender morning. It's bartender morning. I guess that doesn't mean much to you because you're a morning boy now. Yeah, my bartender morning is fucking like 6 a.m. Yeah.

It's terrible. I mean, hey, my bartender morning is also 6 a.m. It's terrible. Hey, my bartender morning is also 6am. It's your bartender night. You ready for a question? Yeah, I think we could do some questions. Oh, actually, you know, I want to get this off my chest because it just happened and I haven't talked to you about it and I'm a little angry about it. So I went to

buy new pants today. Oh yeah. You still haven't told me why. I just wanted new pants. I bought a new shirt. What pants? I wanted to get like a nice pair of like you still haven't told me why i just want a new pants i bought a new shirt what pants i wanted to get like a nice pair of like beige sort of like not like cargo like but like chinos whatever but just like a lighter color i have a lot i have like black jeans i have various blue jeans but i don't have like i feel like in those situations where you don't want to wear jeans but you don't want to wear a suit you know what i mean yeah that's sort of like in those situations where you don't want to wear jeans, but you don't want to wear a suit. You know what I mean? Yeah.

That's sort of like in between zone. And I got a really nice shirt that it's blue, like it's dark blue. So I can't really wear my jeans. Hey, that's happened to me. Yeah. So I was like,

I'm going to, I'm going to treat myself to a new pair of pants. Also, my body has changed drastically over the last little bit because of COVID. That's what puberty will do to you, man. And, and so i was like i'm gonna get a pair of pants that like just i look good in that fit me properly let's go so i get to

the fucking store find it they're great pants really nice they're 50 off oh fuck yeah let's go have my perfect size it's it's tough for me to buy pants because i think i've mentioned before and you have the same problem where it's like we aren't big guys but we got booty yeah it's it's kind of like a curse it's it's a tough thing to buy pants for because usually that means you have to buy a bigger waist and then end up you're like swimming in your waist or like have to like cinch it so tight with a belt it's all bunched up or yeah you just can't fit in them yes or you're yeah and then you've got like the the rolling over despite the fact that we don't necessarily have rolls but like everything has been compressed so much because you had to buy a pair of pants that are

too small for you so anyway they fit perfectly uh they were great i love them bring over to the thing and i try to tap my card and it's like tap not accept it i was like okay put my card in So anyway, they fit perfectly. They were great. I love them. Bring over to the thing. And I try to tap my card and it's like, tap, not accept it. I was like, okay, put my card in. And it's like, oh, error reading chip or whatever. I was like, fuck. And she's like, oh, it's actually our machines. They're fucked.

I'm going to bring you to the next cash register. Do it again. Couldn't tap. Couldn't insert. So they're like, it finally told me to swipe i swiped and i got declined and i was like what is happening right now and then i was like oh fuck did i grab maybe an old credit card or has it expired it didn't expire i was like maybe i got the old hackaroo and there was a suspicious charge on my card but like there's nothing i literally have no idea why i was getting declined

and it was the one time where i didn't have like my debit card with me or i usually have like a little bit of backup cash specifically for this fear i'm always terrified that my cards are going to get declined man i've never worried about that in my life it's never been a situation where i've and this is like you know a little bit of privilege a little bit of bragging i'm being like i've never had to worry about that but every time i like buy groceries i'm like oh god it would be so embarrassing thankfully it was only one pair of pants this time but it was just like i was just so sad and the sale ends no i didn't get the pants because i was i came back home got my cards walked, walked out, and it started raining.

And I was like, fuck this. You should have called me. I would have cycled down with some money, made it rain on you. Imagine that being the cashier. Just this boy appears, this sweaty, red-faced cycle boy comes in. Hey. Throws a bunch of money on you. And then just fucking runs off again.

No words. Maybe a butt slap. Who knows? Just be like, oh, yeah, don't worry about him. Here's your money. Yeah. So, you know, it is what it is. Anyway, let's see.

Let's do a question. All of our listeners have left from this pants talk. This gripping pants story. This is accomplished ad 3418 and they said dating for 2.5 months and asked to be exclusive been dating this girl for 2.5 months and she and asked to be exclusive with her she said she didn't know yet but that she wasn't talking to anyone else she didn't say yes or no a bit afterwards she made a joke about how i don't really know her yet but want to be exclusive we end up making out i'm being playful and the date went okay she also met my cat am i being

let on the answer she gave makes it feel like she's wanting to date me until she finds someone better my plan is to back off a bit and start dating other girls again since she didn't say to be exclusive edit we're both religious and expressed interest in not having sex yet very early on edit two i was talking and going out first dates and second dates with other girls while talking to her. Two, I broke up with others when she started calling us a relationship. Then I addressed exclusiveness. Three, she did not know about the others. Four, I did not stop dating before dating her. Finally, she goes from very playful and very affectionate to keeping her distance several times in the dates. I let her do her

thing. It hasn't bothered me much. We've been getting increasingly affectionate for example last night after the conversation she was smacking my rear initiating kissing grabbing onto my hand and play wrestled me uh okay those edits kind of the edits are essential took me on a on a wild ride um she said you asked to be exclusive and she said hey we don't really know each other. That was her answer, right? Yeah. She said she didn't know yet, but she wasn't talking to anyone else. And then later on made a joke about how he doesn't really know her yet, but wants to be exclusive. And then he's like, well, it sounds like she's waiting for something better to come along and is still dating.

And I was like, she specifically said that that wasn't the case or the scenario my man and it's like i understand ego might be a little bruised it's hard to be like hey i'd like to be exclusive with you and someone's like not me not yet at least but at the same time it's very specifically not yet it's not even not me you initiated conversation and she responded honestly and truthfully and like that's i'm sorry it didn't go your way obviously that's always kind of like a little bit of a kick in the teeth but at the same time she gave her gave you her truth and responded and and let you know where she stood and like that's kind of the crux of having a relationship is constantly having communication and checking in with one another as to where they currently stand

and you did it and also what she did was the hard way to you know she answered honestly well aware i assumed that she was hurting you or could hurt you but she still did it you know what i mean she gave you the respect of an honest answer and let's be fair a very fair answer as well like people are allowed be on a different timeline to you, dude. Yeah. You know? Um, so I think it's kind of a wild twist to be like, I'm being led on. She wants to date me until she finds something better. Like what? Just because you want to date someone after two and a half months doesn't mean they have to date you. And just because they're not ready to be exclusive yet, which to most people who have healthy relationships should

be a big deal you're they're allowed you know want to wait want to get to know you better 2.5 months isn't very long especially depending on how often you've seen each other i love that you keep saying 2.5 months they're like two and a half i know it's because i'm looking at it right now and it says 2.5 i know it's weird very mathematical that's me 2.56 months i'm a magical boy it's very easy i think to be self-conscious and hurt when someone doesn't immediately you know want to be exclusive at the same on the same timeline as you so i get the like sort of knee-jerk reaction to think that maybe this isn't going to work out but

unless there's literally an indication that we aren't aware of but you also need to trust your partner and if you don't trust what if you think she's lying to you then like maybe you shouldn't be exclusive with her you know what i mean if she says hey i'm not seeing anybody else but i'm not really ready to be exclusive right now. You know, I would like to get you to know you a little bit more. That's like you need to take that at face value. And if you don't, then you have to wonder why you want to be exclusive with someone that you think would lie to you. Exactly. And the thing, the reason why I brought this here is because like, it's not a hard question, right?

I don't think either of us are stumped right now. The fucking comments, dude. Everyone's like, 2.5 months and she won't date you? What a piece of shit. Get out of there. How could she? What? This is insane.

That's so long. You guys haven't already been dating? And it just goes on and on and on. And it's wild. 2.5... God damn it. 2.5 months is not a long time when you think like again i don't know how often they're seeing each other so even i do i scroll through the comments uh scrolled crawls through them you know uh there is they've been they've seen each other

about once every week or so so maybe let's say nine times total. Yeah. Which is not very many times. That's not a lot of time to spend with people. Nine days? First date barely counts, right? It's like, you don't even, you know, you're just kind of looking at each other in awe, being like, wow, they're hot. I know. You also haven't had sex with this person.

And like, that's fine if that if you guys have agreed that you want to take it slow to want to be exclusive with someone before you've had sex with someone i think is a bit strange because you've become okay great you've become exclusive you had sex and you have no sexual chemistry and you're just like what do you do do you say ah actually you know what i know we just started dating but this isn't, this is bad sex. This isn't good sex. So I'm leaving. Or do you just be like, well, this is the bed I made.

So I guess I'll see if it gets any better. I'd also just love to know, like after like the nine dates, it's like if she just met your cat, it's like, is that the first time she's been to your place? You know what I mean? If so, like you've only been on like going out dates you know

what i mean the first eight times or whatever which isn't really you guys getting to know each other yet properly right it's like that's kind of step one step two is like you know hanging out each other's places doing more like casual non out out things you know what i mean and like those are very essential it's like how you shouldn't get married before fucking living together you definitely shouldn't start being exclusive with each other if you haven't kind of like eased into normal life together somewhat you know it's like have has she met your friends like has she have you guys like made dinner together and then just stayed home and watched a movie like exactly like has she slept over probably not by this you know what i mean like there's so many things missing this person's doing the responsible thing and you're taking it

like a middle finger to the face you know i mean you're like oh i'm gonna back off like you're gonna play games now okay cool great i'm gonna start dating other girls again it's like okay that's a really interesting thing for me because it's like do you want to date other girls because yes you do dates that's the thing if you wanted to date them you're not exclusive so why haven't you been right and if you don't like you're never going to make yourself more miserable if you're doing things you don't want to do right which for right now if you're abstaining from dating other people, even though you want to, you're going to be bitter, right? If that's not the case, but now you're going to date them because you feel like you need to do it for revenge, you're going to be bitter. It's like,

I don't care whether you date or don't date other people once you're not exclusive with someone. I do care that you do what you want to do, right? If you're doing anything for any other reason, you're going to be fucking miserable and i shouldn't have to tell you that but i do so if you wanted to date people this whole time you're not exclusive you should have been doing it if you didn't want to then you shouldn't now do it yeah but again it's like there's such a wave like of people telling him that he is like not even in the right but not in the right enough like he's not as angry as he should be with this person he's not as offended as he should be with it it's like no she says

something very fair tons of people who think that like you know the that that exclusivity and and you know the dating portion like i i know tons of people who think that, like, if you go on a couple of good dates and they find out that you've gone on another date, they're, you know, devastated by that. And it's like it's dating. Yeah. Like we've talked about it a hundred times where it's just like if we if like the second you start going on a date with one person and then refuse to date anyone else it's like you pretty much are exclusive at that point you literally are so if you're not allowed right it's like cool i've just been like exclusivity trapped yeah so if if she's saying you know oh i'm not seeing anyone right now that doesn't necessarily mean that she's like you know phoned in and on dating it just means that there's no one that's caught her attention at the moment.

And that, yes, is there the possibility that she, you know, matches with someone or meet someone that really sweeps her off her feet in the way that you haven't? Yes, that's a possibility. Sure. But will you, you know, tank or sabotage this relationship on that chance or because of that chance? That's on you. But also, like, that chance is still there if you're dating. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean?

It's like that happens to thousands of people a day, let alone, you know, like people can meet people and be like, oh, wow, this person is incredible. Like, I'm going to either break up my boyfriend or cheat or whatever. You know what I mean? It's like, so dating someone doesn't change that. And dating someone as quickly as you can for that reason definitely doesn't change that. You know what I mean? Like getting into a relationship with somebody who like has given it due consideration and like waited until the right time is the best way to avoid that. Yeah.

You know, like there is no like, it's not like shit. If I can get there really quickly, she's trapped. It's like, no man. Like if you get there when she wants to be there and when you guys should be there, you've got a good chance. If you're just trying to hurry up for reasons, you're, you're not starting things off on like a solid foundation. Yeah. If she's got a decent head on her shoulder, if you pose an ultimatum, the answer is probably going to be a no. And that doesn't help you at all. Exactly, right? So it's like if you really like this person, they've been fair to you.

They've given you a very reasonable answer. They're not ready yet. And it's like this person obviously takes exclusivity seriously, which, again, I think is massively important in an exclusive relationship. So that's a good thing. They're being honest with with you if that's too much for you sure move on but like they didn't do anything wrong here and you shouldn't like if you're upset by that answer you should leave you shouldn't like spike date and like play games hoping that that's gonna change their mind because i can't imagine why that would. That's just going to make things worse. Just make everyone else here engage with miserable, including yourself.

Exactly. It's just, it's like, oh, well, I'm upset about this. Time to make it all worse. Like, let's light myself on fire. Just don't do it. If you're that upset, get out. But try not to let your personal, like, because again again i get it if you ask and she said no like that sucks but don't let that like wound turn into all this other shit you know what i mean if you really like this person

why not continue the way you're going they also said they're not seeing people it's like if you don't trust that why would you trust them to be exclusive in the exclusivity you're looking for and either way they're allowed to see other people. So if you like them enough, why not keep going? There's a lot of people I quite liked who dropped this exclusivity bomb way too early and got upset. And it's like, it never worked out as a result, but it's like, if they had been chill, I very much think it would have been. You know what I mean? I think a few weeks of getting to know them probably would have led to something or not. I don't know, but I never got the chance to find out. If you want this to go somewhere, give it the chance to find out. Like, what are you losing? This question comes from I Smoke Bliss.

When starting a new relationship, how often do you guys have sex? This is a 26 year old female and a 29 year old male. So I've been hooking up with this guy I've known for a while. The sex is amazing. And we hooked up a couple of times, but with him, it's like never ending. We can meet up one day and end up having sex like six times. Is this normal? Like I've dated guys before and none of them were like this, but with this guy, he's like going and going at it. And usually I get tired after having sex one round. I don't feel like in the mood anymore, but with him, it's like, I actually enjoy it. And he literally comes and puts it back in like it's not even a break or anything. Over the weekend, I came over at like 3am and we kept having sex till 7am. Is that normal? I don't

know if emotions have to do with it as well, because he says he really likes me. And when I don't see him for a couple days, he says he misses me. We are really comfortable around each other. And he makes me feel secure at the same time with him. we are really comfortable around each other and he makes me feel secure at the same time with him i just don't want each other to get bored fast before we answer the question i'm just kind of wondering why it's even being asked i mean i guess it's like worried that they're gonna get bored but it's like who cares if it's normal or not it's happening you're enjoying it you know like yeah like there's no there's no part in this question where i thought she was gonna say like oh i really don't like it and then that would have been like

okay just because your partner's horny doesn't mean you have to have sex blah blah blah but it's like no i love it it's great it's like who cares if it's fucking normal you know what i mean and that's kind of the reason why i bought it brought it because i think we need to really address and it's something we've been doing a lot lately on the show specifically, is talking about the societal expectations of things and the way that we deem what's normal, what's not normal, and the way that we get weird about things if we think something isn't normal,

despite the fact that everyone involved is consenting adults that are doing what they want to do and are happy doing it like now said you're having great sex what does it matter if every other couple in the world only has sex once a week or you know like what does it fucking matter you both are are happy you both have agreed to this and he seems genuinely interested and you are also genuinely interested in him. So like, it really doesn't matter. Like, I know there's probably that feeling of being like,

Oh, am I like a sex crazed maniac? Oh no. Like, like, is this the role I should be taking as a woman? Should I be more like, I'm sure there's like layers of that or,

you know what I mean? That, that paint brushes is painting strokes on her conscience or whatever but like fuck it who cares if you want to have sex if you want to fuck for four hours straight i will say if if either of you have fucking roommates maybe maybe don't do four hours like or try to be quiet like that fucking sucks don't be those people yeah like i'm all for people you know having sex and not necessarily worrying too much about people who are around them because it's like you know

there should be a bit of give and take but i've lived with some people who are like you can't have any sex and no that's unfair also but like yeah come on be be consider especially like those are the sleeping hours that's both dane's bartender night and my bartender morning. Yeah. That is the, the, the like Venn diagram of where Niall and I get to enter into our dreamscapes together.

Both be hanging out in dreams together. So, I mean, the other thing I will say, and I, this isn't really anything to do with the question, but just because he's come and he's finished, doesn't mean that his, like you, you could just throw it back in there safely.

Like, I don't know what the process is in there. But the only thing that kind of like gave me pause was when she was like, oh, you know, he pulls out and comes and then he's back inside me. I don't know how comfortable you are with, you know, your protection or birth control. But like, like, you still need to be careful with that kind of stuff. As hot as it might be. The only thing that I like the way I heard that was not that like he's physically like, you know, doing the pullout method and then just going right back in. I figured it was just like the second he's come, he's still good to go. Yeah.

And that's what I'm hoping. This guy apparently has a magic penis, by the way, because like I'm pretty good at being able to go again, but not that good. Because the line is he literally comes and puts it back in like not even a break or anything. Yeah. So I assume it's more like he's just ready to go again. Yeah. I'm hoping yeah i'm hoping i'm hoping i i just want to put it out there uh that like you know a change of condom is probably a good idea

or if he is coming that like a little bit of cleanup and and some time to make sure any sort of residual semen has emptied and left the body um or you know if you're not using protection the first round to use it in the subsequent rounds to make sure that there is if there is sort of like any leftover that you're not running the risks of anything that was the only thing that I really want to talk about in terms

of like concerns but otherwise it's like go fucking crazy go go fuck each other all day if you want to who cares it's like I go fucking crazy. Go go fuck each other all day if you want to. Who cares? It's like I think like the only kind of like concern I can latch on to is them being like, oh, what if we get bored? And it's like, well, it's what you want to do. Right.

So the only option would be to fight that urge and not do it out of fear that you might get bored in the future, which is like, you know, you're changing something that's great right now into something that's going to be not as good in the hopes that maybe in the future, something would be, you know what I mean? That doesn't make sense. So it's like, fuck it. If you get bored, you get bored. Right now you're having a blast. You know, nothing you can do right now to change that, you know, that doesn't make any sense. In reality, it's's like is this a sustainable sexual appetite or sexual relationship probably not you you guys are kind of in like that you

know honeymoon phase of horny moon yeah horny moon and like if you guys end up dating is are you going to be fucking for four hours at 3 a.m when you're you know you've been together for five years or six years or ten years or whatever. Probably not. Probably not. But that's, that's fine. Because like, we've talked about it before. Whereas like the hierarchy of needs changes as your relationship changes. Relationships are dynamic.

It's not like, oh, we started fucking, you know, six times a day. So the only way our relationship can continue and be successful is if we do that for the rest of our relationship. It's like, no. It can never dip below. It can only ever get more like maybe seven maybe eight then we're improving we can never dip you have like the sex or the sexual relationship as the same like means it's the bus and speed a hundred percent whereas like if you do have less than six six sexes a day you do explode well yeah that's how sexes a day, you do explode. Well, yeah, that's how relationships work.

We did a whole episode on that. Now, the thing I will say is that like this is, I think, very good advice is one doesn't fucking matter if it's not normal. Once it's good, you know what I mean? And I mean, both people are happy. Things are healthy. You know, it could be the weirdest shit. And it's like once you're not hurting anybody and once you're happy, like, who gives a fuck? But on the flip side, if there's something that is normal and it makes you miserable, then it also doesn't matter.

It's not like you just have to endure it. You know what I mean? Like, throw the concept of normal out the fucking window. That's it. Because I don't want people to suffer through things that they shouldn't or stop doing things that are good, you know? And it just, no. specifically because she wanted to pursue, she was start, what did she start doing? She, she started doing like arts and crafts, essentially like various artistic pursuits.

And like she was doing St. Glass, she was doing a wood etching, she was doing paintings. So like a bunch of shit that she started doing a COVID and it, it ended up being very good. And she started taking commissions and doing things for friends and then it turned into like a little small business and like really kind of like kicked off but her

husband was like no like you're the wife and mother like you stay like you cook dinner and clean the house while i go and make the money and and it was like this huge sort of like thing where like he just, he didn't want. And it's like, we could say that's normal that the man works and the wife takes care of the kids. Like for all intents and purposes, that is a quote unquote normal thing. It definitely was more so, you know what I mean? Like there would be a time,

like probably not even that long ago where to suggest otherwise would be like that's weird yeah but she hated that because she she found and it wasn't like her kids were fucking you know drowning in the bathtub or you know sticking fucking forks in the lifestyle she was still a very capable mother she was still a very we all know she had two choices and that was feed young henry or stain some glass and we know what she chose. Here, Henry, eat this glass. You eat the mistakes. That's how she stained it.

So it's, it was, the point of the story is, it's like they separated because she was like, oh, hey, you don't care about my happiness. Like you've, you've made a choice of like what this relationship is. And I, and, and before it was like, You've made a choice of what this relationship is. And before, it was fine because she was happy with that dynamic. But when he refused to budge on what their relationship could be in terms of dynamics and money and time, she was like, I'm not happy. So to your point, yes, if something that seems normal or is a common relationship structure, if you're not happy in that, you don is seeing and thinking about you because i mean like non-monogamy is still pretty frowned upon by you know the the majority of like mainstream whatever or it's still sort of like a fringe like

oh there's swingers despite the fact there's you know there's so much intricacy in that kind of lifestyle where you know one non non-monogamous couple to the next are completely different you know situations um so it's like don't worry about how society views what you're up to if you're happy and no one's getting hurt just follow your bliss you say you smoke bliss now it's time to follow it oh nice brought back but also man can you imagine being so insecure that like your wife making money from art like upsets you that much yeah the something that she's passionate about is very good at and loves doing and also it's like adding money to your family like It's like that literally benefits this dude, I'm sure. That's absolutely

fucking wild, and people out there just aim to not be that pathetic, please. Please. We're already at half an hour. Let's try to fucking hammer out some quick questions. I got one similar to one that really works from what we just went to.

It's kind of long, though. Well, it is what it is. It's time. This is by Honey Kiss. I, female 28, am very high libido. Not sure how to find a life partner that will match my libido without simply relying on luck or fate. Not trying to sound needy or selfish. I've done a lot of self-discovery over the years, and an active sex life is very important to me.

It means anything and everything in between. I'm very sexual, sensual, passionate, open-minded. Sex is more of an artful passion of mine rather than just a biological need. Recently single, mainly due to a dead bedroom relationship of my partner of five years. There were very valid reasons for this. He had chronically low testosterone and highly stressed, rarely in the mood regardless of what I did or tried to spice things up. He did his best, but ultimately came down to being too stressed, preoccupied with his low mood, libido. As a child, I loved him and understood his condition. I couldn't bear having my sexual needs not met.

Offering oral in lieu of sex that involved me pleasuring him as well was nice, of course, but didn't hit the spot for me, and I was left constantly craving more. Other past relationships were fairly good on the sexual frequency, but we were so young, it's hard to compare that to how dating is adult is. Most 19-24 year olds want to have sex as frequently as possible. There's one ex in his mid twenties and also didn't have his highest libido, but I didn't find out what both of these men until much later in the relationship. How do I find this out sooner? I have hired so many long-term relationship or magic marriage horror stories. I know they're anecdotal, but I fear I will end up in another

dead bedroom. I don't know how to find out someone's actual sex drive beforehand because of my experience, every man says they have a high sex drive i have no idea how to approach this with people i'm starting to meet and casually date it's hard to dissect this with them because at the beginning they'll likely be super into sex because of novelty or honeymoon phase you know the goal that comes with dating someone new and wanting to fuck them all the time yeah i mean it's tough i was gonna say it's like this isn't something that you can sort of like divulge or, you know what I mean? Put out early and be like,

Hey, I have a really high sex drive and I'm looking to match with someone. Like, do you also, is that also something? Because I imagine like exactly like she said, nine times out of 10, I don't imagine many dudes being like,

nah, actually not a huge priority for me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. My sex drive, not, not the highest. There's no harm in that and and we

need to sort of you know get better at the fact that like men aren't sex machines and that we aren't always going to want to have sex and that men who don't always want to have sex aren't less manly or aren't less of a man or aren't less of a person because of it it's a partner yeah it's a it's a sliding scale of you know some people huge libidos some people lower libidos other people kind of fluctuate in the middle and go up and down depending on any number of factors and that's kind of i think one of the cruxes of this question as well is it's like it it's very hard to be like you know oh hey i want to make sure we have sex x amount forever i guess it's like okay you know people have high sex drives but life happens you know what i mean and it's like relationships also as we literally just talked about they do

wane in terms of like various things including you know the desire to have sex um so to expect someone to know when you meet them how they're going to be it with any kind of degree of certainty is a little wild you know i mean like i know some people you know you could probably take a guess and they have it roughly be accurate but like i don't think it's very reasonable to expect much accuracy there especially because i have a high libido blah blah blah it's like cool quantify that you know what i mean your high isn't my high isn't somebody else's high sure right yeah i mean like someone being like i have a high libido and you might think that because your partner had a very low libido yeah despite the fact that like in comparison

to her i might have a very medium lib you know what i mean exactly yeah um and like someone asked someone was like yo quantify this and she was like i don't know it's like okay cool so how are they supposed to know yeah it's there's a i'm also worried that she's decided that like her high libido is the main personality trait that she has to offer in a relationship or you know what I mean like she said that she's done a lot of like self-discovery and you

know sex is very important to her great cool it's good to know that kind of thing but to think that like a relationship lives and dies on whether or not your sexual needs are met and i know this is kind of sounding a bit counterintuitive to what we talk about because a healthy sexual relationship is there but like it's it's the same as being like oh i have a dead bedroom but if all you have is a lively bedroom and no sort of emotional connection or something to to you know weave in

between the times in which you're not having sex if you don't have a relationship to back up your sexual relationship then i think you'll find or most people i think would find it just as unfulfilling does that do you know what i'm saying? Like, I'm not saying that like a hundred percent and it's hard to glean from this question, whether or not that's an issue because it's all they talk about. But I think the fact that it's all they talk about is why you're thinking about that. This might be an issue because,

you know, in lieu of other details, we can't make a decision one way or another, but the fact that there are no other details is kind of worrying. Yeah. And so, unfortunately, for this question, there isn't an answer. You literally can't. There isn't sort of like a Dragon Ball Z style power reader that you can put on and it'll be like, oh, it's over 9,000.

It's not going to fucking work like that. I'm sorry. I wish I wish there was something like that for you. But what you need to do, I think specifically is is focus less on this concept of high libido, low libido, dead bedroom, like try to move away from that as a point of obsession and try to foster a like loving, caring, open, honest, communicative relationship.

That's well-rounded. And that way, if for whatever reason, someone's sex drive begins to wane, whether a temporary thing or a biological thing, or, you know, for whatever reason that you have other facets of the relationship

that satisfy you and also like if sex dries up completely i understand that like that like if you just don't have sex anymore i understand like i'm not saying that you need to be able to be like ready to you know forfeit your your wants for someone by all means i'm not saying that but i'm just saying that like i think the importance of it will uh you know if the only slice of the pie left is sex it it's it's gonna feel a little bit more empty than if you had the rest of the pie to go with it which is you know you know, a loving, caring relationship. Also, like there are a lot of reasons why kind of like libido or like, you know, sex can wane in relationships and a lot of that can be solved with communication.

And if you do what Dane's done, then it's not just that once you get to the point where sex kind of fades, you're done with, you've built a foundation on which to be able to discuss and address those issues and, you're done with, you've built a foundation on which to be able to discuss and address those issues and, you know, hopefully fix them. So that's one point. The second point is that like, it's not also your partner's responsibility to, you know, satisfy your libido. Yeah, be your little like sex harem. Exactly. I feel like we would have jumped on that point a lot quicker if it was a man writing this question rather than a woman.

It's like, cool. By all means, you want to try to find someone who will match you sexually within reason. But it's like, you know, you're still responsible for your own sex drive. And it's like, you can masturbate. You can get toys. You can do a lot of stuff. It's not always solely on your partner and to think that and like to almost have them agree to being that person this early on it like it almost feels like you're gonna get to a point and be like well we talked and you said you had a high sex drive so now you have you know what i mean it it feels almost like contracty

like if if i tell you i have a high sex drive early on the relationship you're gonna hold it against me later on and it's like my response like it feels very manipulative almost in a way i just like there's something about it that that kind of like icks me out a little bit you're talking about uh you know having your satisfies like perhaps look into polyamorous relationships or non-monogamous relationships and that way your sexual desires and needs and and satisfaction isn't reliant on one person if you know i mean like i know a lot of people who are non-monogamous um tend to have like partners that are there specifically like they adore and love their primary partner or whoever they started with but for whatever reason weren't sexually satisfied and opened up the relationship to be like cool

you're my person and we will have sex when we have sex, when we want to, that's great. But like, I will, I can then pursue sexual partners outside of to, to sort of like fill in the gaps in which that, you know what I mean?

And it's like, as long as you guys are on the same page of it. And let me tell you, it's non-monogamy is becoming a much more common thing and a lot more accepted a lot more people talking about it, understanding the intricacies of it and the differences from person to person to person. So I don't think it would be too difficult to find a partner who might be willing to, you know, have an open relationship, at least sexually. And that way, it's not like the burden and the onus of this isn't placed on one person's shoulders

because as Niall said it's impossible to to gauge like you literally can't I can't say despite me knowing that like I have a high sex drive but if someone if I met someone and was like hey do you have a high sex drive and I'm like yeah for sure I can't promise that it's gonna stay that way in 10 years five years or you know I mean or even next week maybe i'm gonna be fucking exhausted and i don't want to fuck all the time sorry like that's the thing it's like depending on like other factors like there's been brief periods in my life where like just work has been so awful and like just various things where like it happens very rarely but like there have been days where like i'm like i don't really want to fuck, you know? It's like, I don't know who this future, this person's future partner, like what jobs they might have.

Like maybe it's, maybe they work in animation. It's like crunch week. You know what I mean? You're allowed to have a fucking bad week or a bad month or whatever. And it's like this kind of like pre agreements to having a high libido just kind of worries me. Now I will say they did bring up the whole like the dangerous kind of like horny moon that we discussed earlier period where it's like you don't really know what their real sex drive is but i feel like that the horny moon is only ever

like a slightly amplified version or or just an amplified version of what you're usually like right so it's like our friend who's fucking from three till seven this is probably a pretty good indication that he's a generally horny boy later on in the relationship right if you can barely match your needs during the horny moon it's probably not going to shoot up after you know so i think you can get a fair idea you know you can't expect it to stay that way but it's like if you can't get off each other for like you know the first month or two you can probably imagine that they're going to be pretty fucking sexual moving forward you know it's like a new pair of pants when you you know you want to buy a little bigger because when you wash them they're probably going to shrink a little bit there you go there you go really

thinking about those pants yeah we're really pantsing it up today all right hit me um well it's probably time to do a little bit of tinders do you want a quick one then uh well i've got i've got a quick one this is from oh boy shenanagiana shenanagiana shenanagiana yeah i don't know shenanagiana i like that yeah i think that's how it is it's just a lot of a lot of i n's a's it's a lot of the same letter, and it's wrinkling my brain. My boyfriend told me we should use lube. I feel less sexy. My boyfriend likes to get to the point very fast.

We often skip hand or blowjobs, and when we do, I'm not as wet. I feel bad because I feel like I should be wet 24-7 when I see him. I don't know why this is in my head. I might need therapy, lol. I feel so attracted to him, but when he just wants to fuck in a more hardcore less emotional way it often hurts i think it's unrealistic to assume you're gonna be wet around them 24 7 i think she acknowledges it's a it's a ridiculous notion but for whatever reason she still she still feels like she should be yeah but i think it's important even if you're kind of acknowledging it to have somebody back you

up and be like you're right that throw that out the window along with normal as for the lube thing if there is some kind of reason that you're not being wet you know what i mean like it happens to people you know i mean and lube is in no way a criticism of you yeah but it sounds like in this situation maybe you guys are just moving too fast and it's not necessarily that you can't get wet or aren't getting wet it's just that you're not really being given the chance to get wet you know what i mean that's like that's when you talk to your partner about foreplay and it's also like look i get it there's a certain you know spiciness to just sort of like not you know just just like grabbing someone's a certain, you know, spiciness to just sort of like, not, you know,

just, just like grabbing someone and, and, you know, you know, pulling the pants down or lifting the skirt up and just fucking like, but it has to be, it can't be one person wanting to do it. You know what I mean? Like the, the vibe has to be there that like, you guys literally can't wait to do it. If the dude is just like, it's time to fuck and then is is just going to fuck you it doesn't sound like this is particularly something that you want because usually like any situation where i've ever been in where it's like you know we haven't really done any foreplay is because we're so fucking horny and so so hot for each other that like foreplay like we're as great as foreplay is like we just don't want it we just want to fuck yeah and at that point it's like i'm rock hard

she's soaking wet and and so like great cool but like if if it's just like oh he wants to get right to sex and you're not there yet then you have to like as a good sexual partner you kind of have to concede and be like okay as much as i want to just bend you over this table and fuck you right now i am probably going to have to finger you a bit or go down on you or do some you know what i mean like there is going to be something that needs to happen and it doesn't necessarily make it any less hot put her up on the table and eat her out on the table put her on that like the arm of the couch and like there are so many things you can do to keep that spontaneity alive without being like sucks it's gonna hurt but i'm gonna fuck you anyway yeah and it's weird because she says we never get to like

blow jobs or hand jobs anymore or something right and like maybe it's just weird phrasing but to me it sounds like she's saying i don't get to perform foreplay on him yeah which like maybe he's just weird phrasing but to me it sounds like she's saying i don't get to perform foreplay on him yeah which like maybe he's like worried about premature ejaculation or something like that's fine but it's like what about foreplay on you because it sounds like that's the thing we're missing right like yeah i was gonna say it's like she also literally doesn't mention anything for her so i was like i wonder if like yeah if if she just doesn't get it or does she call like someone going down on her a blow job or like you know someone figuring her a hand job maybe if so that's very strange but either way like you know there's nothing wrong with not being wet you know what i mean some people like it's it doesn't mean you're

not horny maybe she's not wet because he does think oral sex for her is a blow job and he's just and just like you know blowing on it maybe he tries to like jerk the clit oh god so it's like you know there's nothing wrong with not being wet like as dane mentioned earlier like skipping foreplay and like it's fine because the person's been soaking wet sometimes people just you know whether it's a hormonal imbalance or, you know, anything are horny and just aren't wet. And that's not a failure of yourself. So, you know, by all means use lube. If that's the case, it doesn't sound like this is the case where you're unable to get wet. It just sounds like you're not being given the chance to. So fucking talk to your partner

and be like, Hey, what you're doing, like, especially if you're saying it hurts, you know what I mean? That's awful. That shouldn't be happening. Say like, hey, we don't actually need lube. I just need you to give me a little bit more attention because like you're going just so you're going there way too quickly. And like if they're a good partner, they'll be like, oh, I'm so sorry. You know, but if you haven't communicated this to them, you know, it could be that in their own incorrect way. They're trying to be a good partner,

but you're like, Oh no, she's not getting wet. I should help her out by like suggesting lube. You know what I mean? Like, I'm hoping he's coming from a good place there. Even if again,

he's misguided, but like, if you don't talk to him, how's he supposed to know? And if you do talk to him, he doesn't care. You need a new boyfriend. You don't need lube.

Yeah. You know, it sounds like he's either completely oblivious or he's just making it all about his own pleasure and either one of those isn't great so it needs to be communicated and fixed yeah the the term like oh more hardcore and less emotional hurt it's like okay it sounds like he's having a great time but it sounds like you might need and it's, not that you might not be into the hardcore, you know, rough, whatever,

but like, it's still like, there needs to be a concession of being like, okay, if this is what we're going to do, these are, these are the needs that I need to be met in order for it to be an enjoyable experience for both of us,

which is as a good sexual partner, the plan. A hundred percent. You need to, to tango. So make sure you're having your fun too and if you do ever need lube for whatever reason it doesn't mean you're less sexy no or anything fuck it like there's there's no yeah just use lube who cares something weird

about it no if you want to but don't use it to like put a band-aid on this problem you know what i mean because the lube for everything. But it sounds like the problem here is a lack of foreplay. So don't use lube as a way to bypass that because you're not going to enjoy it still. It might make it slightly better, but it's still not addressing the root concern. So fucking talk to me. Before we end our show, we like to peruse

online dating platforms such as Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge, and look at various online dating platforms such as tinder bumble and hinge and look at uh various online dating profiles and we call them for red flags seeing what works what doesn't work in an effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable you ready for this one yeah so this was sent in to us or more likely someone or more correctly somebody shared it and i asked we could put it on the podcast because it was interesting. And they blanked out the name. So this profile says, does your profile contain one of the following?

Good vibes only. Praying emoji. Sunglasses emoji. Love to hike. Hiking boot emoji. No hookups. A big like canceled sign. Here for a good time.

Not a long time. Alarm clock emoji. Looking for a gym buddy. Like groaning emoji, I guess. Will probably like your dog better than you. Unhappy side eye emoji if so you may be suffering for basic bitch syndrome and may be entitled to compensation call now yeah this is um it's funny because i i've seen i saw this as well and i commented on

it too and i was just like oh boy and it these are the kind of people who are like the algorithm is fucking me i'm not getting any matches it's so easy for women to get mad and it these are the kind of people who are like the algorithm is fucking me i'm not getting any matches it's so easy for women to get mad and it's like they probably thought this was very very like clever and very witty and not realizing that it like it really just comes across as like a petulant child it comes off so bitter and it's like we we have to say this so many times like bitter is never a good look for like this right no like it's not a sexy thing to imagine you remember that like single child or you know the rich kid who where the second they started losing took the ball and went home you didn't like playing with them

and sometimes you would because like they're the one who had the ball but like that's kind of like what bitterness looks like on online dating like people would be like oh okay exactly and like the funny thing is i'm a little hesitant to throw this person so hard under the bus because like in a sense they're doing what we're doing even though obviously we're not doing it on a dating profile but it's like some of these like you know good vibes only like i get it they're red flags they're things that we don't enjoy you know what i mean but it's like one you're doing it a really weird way like the whole basic bitch syndrome it's like okay and like secondly this isn't the place but we're a dating and sex advice for you know what i mean like yeah yes he's yes he is calling out things that we make fun of, for sure. But to do it on the platform while you are actively trying to find dates.

Especially like in lieu of any information about yourself. Yeah. I'm going to give it a one. Yeah, I'm going to give it a one as well. This is Liz. She's 28. Not going to catch you one-liners. And that's something you need to know up front.

That's it? Yep. I think that's pretty funny, but it's also kind of boring, so I'm going to give it a six. See, I think it's really fucking funny. And I don't know, I'm not sure why, but I think that, like, I don't know, there's just something about it that fucking gets me, so I'm giving it an eight. Yeah, like, I like it, but it's not quite there, you know what I mean? It's like, it is massively funny because, like, it isn't something I need to know up front at all. You know what I mean? It's like it is massively funny because it isn't something I need to know up front at all. You know what I mean?

It's like it doesn't matter. And it's very funny that it is, in fact, a not catchy one liner. But it gives me enough to know that they're probably quite funny, but that's it. So I just, I don't know. It's a six for me. Yeah, I'm giving it an eight because it really does tickle me. That's fair. This is from Bumble, and the prompt is blank seeking blank.

And the response is someone hilarious. Someone seeking hilarious. I guess. It was submitted with like, wow, these prompts really aren't that hard. I guess everyone fucking whiffs them every time, and I don't understand. Let me tell you, you know that you understood the assignment. Yeah. These people don't understand the assignment there are lots of people on things where it's just like i i saw one the other day on

fucking hinge and it was like tell me you're a dog person you know without you know it's like you know i hope you're a dog person because and then someone shared a picture of sushi and i was like are you saying that you've turned dogs into sushi? Is that or is it cat? Are you saying that the cat is sushi? And you're like, hmm, let's see. I hope you're not a cat person because I eat cat sushi. Like, I don't know. Like, what?

Like, what is the. And did you just really want to share your cool sushi picture? I mean, I will say there's nothing more unattractive than that. OK, there are a lot of things more unattractive, but like it's pretty unattractive than that. Or, okay. There are a lot of things more unattractive, but like, it's pretty unattractive. Just be like, cool.

You're either phoning it in so hard that you've, you look like an idiot or you're just dumb. I guess. I don't know. Yeah. I'm just like, I like, I don't know.

Like if this is your level of comprehension, I really don't think we're going to click because I think like I make jokes that kind of like need a little bit of thinking sometimes yeah we're really like you really need to think hard about this podcast we come from yeah like the highest jokes you know pretty much the frazier of podcasts there's a lot of people who like call me three weeks after and they said they've been working on one of our jokes that entire time they just really unpacking it and i'm like hey you're the first person to get this, and then we send them our 20,000 gold prize. We actually just send gold, because we're that classy

and smart. Yeah. And humorous. This is Aaron. Well, this person, you need to rate them. And I'm going to give them a 1. I'm giving them a 0, because you've done bad. Well, I'm giving it a 1, because I don't know if there's going to be something worse. This is Aaron.

I have a Honda, a Husky, and a heavy dependency on Vine references. Also a Dash Hound, but that didn't fit the alliteration. I love that, Tan. Yeah, I'm giving that a 10 as well. Although I do feel bad for the left out little wiener boy. Yeah, but then you get to be like, oh, you left him out. Now we got to go cuddle him. And then you get cuddles, and that's a good way to start a first date but also just like the opposite of the last one they're talking about

alliteration they made it funny i like it yep uh this is amber i will always stop to talk to a cat so have patience i don't drink smoke or do drugs i love tea i have an unhealthy obsession with john mayer i do not like watching sports i love live music traveling and vegan food not looking for random hookups or to be your therapist. And then their Instagram. So like, and they're sorry, their job is I have no life.

Oh, cool. There's a lot here that I think isn't bad, but there's a lot here that I think that like, you don't need, like it sort of taints the vibe of being like, I don't like this. I don't want to watch sports.

Okay. Then like, don't say it. It's fine. Like we don't this i don't want to watch sports okay then like don't say it it's fine like we don't we don't need to know that um it seems like a really weird thing to be so die hard about it's like there's a lot of things in there that was just sort of like i like this but i don't like it's like okay like just cut that out keep focus on the things that you enjoy and that you're into and that will say you'll find more people saying yes to that kind of stuff than being like because if i was a big sports fan and she was like i hate sports and it's like all right then like are you gonna be weird if i watch sports

because like i don't give a shit if you go and watch you know something else or go do something else or like you don't have to come every time i go to a bar to watch a game like i don't care but like, is this going to be a problem? Yeah. Cause it sounds like you have a massive problem with if you have to, in the short space you're using to introduce yourself to a prospective partner,

be like, by the way, fucking hate sports. Yeah. And it's like that about anything. Like, unless there's something like, like,

I guess like, I don't know. I'm trying to think of something that like, it's fine to be like, not really into this kind of thing and it's like maybe like if you're not a big drinker or if you don't yeah they said i don't drink smoke or do drugs and it's like okay i don't think that's necessarily negative you know no no that's very essential information because like if you're big into drugs that's probably a no for you yeah and like i tend to it's rare for me to like actively match with someone who says that like uh they don't drink because i'm just like i

don't really know what we would do for like a date like i like we can do the cake or the coffee or the whatever but i'm like that's not really fun for me like i want to go to like a cool new bar or like and have a drink over a date um so it's like i like did a coffee date once and it went so well and like admittedly it was during the winter so like our options were limited but like i'm not saying they're bad ideas i'm just saying that like for me no but it got to a point where like literally we were like well we've had a coffee we don't want to have another coffee because we just had a coffee. It's like, we don't really have anywhere else to go. I was like, do you want to just grab a drink?

And luckily, they were like, yeah, because initially they said they didn't want to. And then it ended up not being a thing. It was fine. But I was like, damn, if we don't want to go for drinks, do we just get more coffee? Like, I'm going to be pissing all day and be so hype. Yeah. So this is, I'm going to give this a three. Yeah. It's just a little yeah it's just a little it's

very dry where it's good and it's very glum where it's bad just cut out the negative stuff leave the things that you're into let those shine that's your personality not the things that you hate and if it is your personality work on that um this is kaylee bsw ryerson graduated in quarantine my best friend once described me as an emo disney princess so i guess that's a sparkly vibes moderna gang where you at smokers or jokers see i like okay emo disney princess i know that attracted you dan oh yeah i mean this is a 10 right off the yeah i knew it I knew it. Like, Smokers or Jokers, that's a funny way of getting

across what might be a little dour. You know what I mean? Like, I don't smoke. Kind of boring. Smokers or Jokers. Funny. We get it. Either, you know, it's the same message done two ways and massively different effects. Personality came through. I don't really know why we need to know about their university. I don't fucking care, honestly.

But, I got a 9. I'm gonna give you a 10 because disney princess you know actually i have one more that's quick um this is mod from tinder and she says never on tinder i can't tell if it's i can't tell if it's a 10 or a zero yeah right like i can't tell if it's a stupid joke or they're just a dumb hypocrite. Yeah. I'm not sure, but real good job, mod.

We're just going to leave it, leave it at that. That's going to be our episode. Thank you very much for hanging out with us. Thank you for listening. If you have a question and you would like to send it on in, you can visit us at F buddies, podcast.com or plenty of beef.ca and hit the contact form and send in a question.

You get to choose your own agent name or we'll choose it for you if you would like. We keep it completely anonymous so you can bare your soul and know that we will take your secrets to the grave. Also, while you're on the website, maybe consider clicking the Patreon link and heading on over to our Patreon and supporting the show with a little bit of money. For $7 a month, you get an extra

bonus episode every month. At the end of the month, it's called Pillow Talk. We're a little more loosey-goosey. We have a little bit more fun. We have a little bit more banter. We don't really focus too much on structure. We just do whatever we want. We still do answer questions. We still do a little too much on structure. We just kind of do whatever we want. We still do answer questions.

We still do a little bit of the advice, but we like to, we like to goof around on there. And it's, it really is your show. We, we listen to suggestions. We do. We talk about things you guys want to talk about.

And we have a good time. It's basically, it's the show you all know and love, but with a little extra spice. Yeah. A little sexier, a little more intimate, a little more. I like, I think I've, I've described it kind of as like a Riley Sports Bar.

It's more of like a speakeasy where there's a real good quiet jazz quartet playing. Yeah, and in between them is me and Dane lying, mostly nude, on like a leopard print carpet. Yeah, yeah. And we're just kind of there. And you guys can come up and request songs yeah say something and we'll whisper yeah it's great thank you to josh eagle and harvest cities for their song paper stars and are you ready for some bad sex writing always am it's gonna be just one one sentence really okay and this is in the uh i'll set the scene because

it's a book i've read it's the aftermath of a terrible battle um i think in a city where like a bunch of civilians were casualties and like friends and powerful mages and a lot of casualties and they're kind of like standing in the smoking wreckage and ruin of what is a lot of very tragic death. And, you know, one of the main characters, I guess, is looking at everything that's happened and his eyes fall upon one corpse and he says, but he was never going to admire Malor's bosom again. I mean, he could. He could. for a little bit it's just as good as it was five minutes ago

and I love like so someone screenshotted the page this is by Robert Jordan the book The Wheel of Time which is coming out in like 10 days on Amazon but the title is just R.I.P. Tits I mean, yeah.

My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Noss Bain. We've been your fuck buddies. RIP tits.