F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 168 - Booty Bomb

Episode Date: December 20, 2021

I know that it's been a tough couple of years, friends, but we need to stop putting things in our butts that shouldn't go in our butts.  Topics include and explosive anal surprise, being clear about your invitations, how long until men expect sex, when you don't have the spark but you've already had the sex, sign language and sex, and, of course, a new batch of dating profiles to be rated.

I put my trust in you, and when I'm trusting, I love you. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and when I'm trusting, I love you. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. And we're your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and we turn them into sexy, sticky situations.

Simply put, we answer sex questions. We find them either on the internet or from our wonderful listeners. Actually, fuck, I haven't called them users in a while. From our wonderful users. Yeah, because you're finally starting to respect the people that listen to this show that's fair you're ready for some sex news oh boy yeah i guess all right well so uh place in england called gloucestershire uh the bomb squad was actually it's pronounced gloucestershire sure a bomb squad was called there to the Royal Hospital after a man was admitted with a World War II morser stuck up his bum. Now, okay.

On Thursday, December 2nd. I need to know how old is this man? Is this a remaining artifact from the time he was at war? Or is this a new, did someone find one of these bad boys and was like, yeah gonna put that up there uh well it doesn't actually say his age so it says patient was admitted with a mortar shell stuck in his rectum the police arrived after being told that a patient had ammunition within him and the man is a military enthusiast yeah you've got to be. Yeah. Who found the shell while clearing out his garage and somehow tripped and fell onto the 57mm piece of army

ordnance, which landed him in hospital. Now, come on. It was used by the Royal Artillery in the Second World War's anti-tank rounds and used by British tanks in North Africa. They measure 57mm diameter and 170mm in length.

Now. He said he put it on the floor. And then slipped a pallet and went up his ass. Now sir. That would also have to imply that. A you have like tissue paper pants. Or you were walking around with no pants on. Yeah cleaning your garage.

I think not. And then also. we're the most unlucky person in the world yeah i'd like i i think it's worse in these situations where people are like no no no it's like almost comical of like you know when when the husband gets caught cheating no it doesn't it's not what it looks like i tripped it i fell it's like yeah oh okay like why even bother just be like look you got me this thing is you got me this is perfectly dick-shaped and i've already explained to you that i love war so why wouldn't i put this in my asshole or just be like you know what because Because of toxic masculinity and men's sexuality being so burdened with all this meaning that we never needed to assign to it? I didn't want to do it because it's not the best material.

And also it might explode and kill me in half the block. Because let me tell you, a man's butthole got nothing on the armor of a tank. Man, that's deep. Yeah. Yeah. You just got to turn this around on them. Don't don't like hide your shame. Be like, oh, no, I tripped and fell.

Be like, this is your fault. Hey, you guys, all of you guys, you're the reason I have a fucking mortar shell up my ass. Because you socialize men to value violence and war. And that's why I love this thing so much. I had to put it inside me. Preach, brother. Fucking preach. And you know what?

I'm sick of pretending that this isn't why we started the podcast. I've had a mortar shell up my ass for years. We want to make a world where no man, no man, no mortar shell their butt. Yeah. On a serious note, you raise a good point. If it was more socially acceptable for men to explore their sexual desires, specifically when it comes to the butt, then this person would be in a much safer place. He could have got himself a little trainer,

you know, anal bead or anal plug, uh, to, and worked himself up to the size that he wants to experiment with and is comfortable with. He could have done that very safely and, you know,

all sorts of pleasure abound but instead you know he was tempted by these this this metal explody boy now i will say if if he hadn't already been practicing would he have been able to get this metal explody boy up him so it could be could be he was totally okay with his own sexuality he just like he went the opposite he was too okay with it that he'd run out of things to put up there. And then he was ascending that final mountain, which is, you know, explosives. Yeah, it could have been this, you know, he could have been experimenting with gateway butt plugs. Imagine it detonated.

And one, you're the guy on scene who's like, whoa, it looks like this is a anti-tank round. Did somebody fire an anti-tank round at this random cottage in Gloucestershire? And then you piece it together. Specifically targeting one man? Yeah, and then you're like, whoa, it seems like he exploded from a centralized... Oh, no. And then the family is like,

tearfully like, who was it, governor? Who was it that done did him up, Barney? And it's like, I'm sorry, mate. Barney done did himself in up the bo- oh, he done bunged the bomb up him. Like, can you imagine if they tell someone

that? I would hope that it would be so utter in its destruction well there would be no way to like it would just be a splattering of man and no one would ever know what happened yeah that's probably more like it um so yeah there we go don't hey bit of advice don't do that find an shaped, appropriately non-explosive, and appropriately like size thing to put in yourself. Use lube and don't lie when you get caught. We live in a world where I'm sure you can buy butt plugs in the shape of mortar shells

or big, you know, 50 cal bullets and stuff. I almost promise you there is an etsy store or whatever the butt plug version of etsy is like but i'm let's see let's see um you know like i'm sure there is someone out there with a 3d printer with a salt or silicon material can make a custom mortar shell so like yes don't don't put dangerous things up your ass or in, in your body one way or the other. That includes food. That is not a safe thing to do.

Stop putting things that shouldn't be the sex toys or sex toys. They're made specifically for the purpose of putting inside you. If it's not a sex toy, it shouldn't be inside you. Unless it's like the love for our Lord and savior, Jesus Christ or something. Yes, of course

yeah which should always be inside you don't even need to say it if he had the love and and and kindness of our lord and savior jesus christ he never would have felt the need to put this inside him to be fair i think jesus was probably looking down on him if he survived this whole encounter so yeah um yeah bit of advice no no and you know what the best part is it's like i imagine if i found this there would be things warring within me like fear for example like oh shit this is going to explode and i'm going to die but then also avarice like oh can i sell this like would someone buy this off me can i sell to museum like am i let's get like a big windfall and like this man wore both those thoughts to go nuts it's going in my butt and that's admirable i mean nothing

to say that he can't sell it after it's been inside of him yeah but it it goes down at least 50 in value hey maybe maybe it goes up 50 yeah just depend on the buyer yeah the porn hub battalions need more ammunition and they'll they won't take unless it's been soiled uh are you ready to to do some questions always all right you start us off you know what let's let's go back to basics here okay this is give it a try 203 i asked my crush what he was doing friday evening he asked he answered no idea and you whereas Whereas I answered, I'm going to an event. Now it's radio silence. Did I do this wrong? I wrote on Snapchat asking what he was doing Friday evening, and he answered, no idea, and you. I answered I was going to a bar

event. He opened Snap, but hasn't answered anything. I have mild autism. I was expecting him saying something like, nice, have fun, or sounds fun. Can I come? But none of that happened. Can I assume he isn't interested because he hasn't followed up? No, I would be very confused as well, because if someone says, hey, what are you up to on Friday? I assume the next line is going to be like, want to hang out. So to be like, hey, what are you up to? And he's like, oh, I'm not up to anything.

And then you'd be like, cool. I am. Yeah, right. Like and look, I i understand like if this guy really wanted to have the rapport he could have been like oh like what's the event that sounds cool what bar are you going to like there's other avenues he could have taken but maybe he was a little bummed out that like he thought you were gonna ask him out and then you didn't well that's the thing it's like he's not in the wrong here you know what i mean you're the one who's been

like a little weird it's like do you want him to come because if you want him to come don't expect him to read your mind and then also be in the awkward position of having to invite himself yeah it's like that's not cool because if you don't want him to come and he asks you this just got weird you know yeah so like he's probably just a little nonplussed by this whole you know exchange and it's like he can't read your mind so it's like if you want to come invite him if you don't don't do this like it if it was the other way around if he was like hey what are you up to on friday and you were like oh sorry i'm actually i've got plans okay that's cool but like yes it seems like you did want to invite him or you were hoping that he would invite himself but like nile said i

would never impose myself on someone's plans especially if this is like a new thing like i don't know if you guys have dated before or you know if this would be a first date situation if someone told me they were busy one day i wouldn't be like hey can i come yeah 100 because you don't know what the fuck it is at all and it's like that's definitely pushing boundaries that may not be appropriate to push yet and I'm assuming it's new if you're having this kind of crisis you know because if it isn't new

you guys have other shit you need to fix I think we might be being a little hard on you you goofed it you did that's just the way it is going forward if you want to invite someone out invite them out don't expect like don't write a script in your head uh hoping that like oh i've said this so the next thing they'll probably say is this don't operate like that because that's a good way to get your expectations uh dash to have your feelings hurt or for you to

start over analyzing things because if someone doesn't act a certain way you're now trying to figure out why they didn't act the way that you thought they were going to act and you can't predict that kind of stuff so much like a real conversation 90 of it is listening so offer up a new new piece of information or something to do and see what they do are you going to enter to interact with people or come across people who are really bad at texting or really bad at answering you? Yeah. There are the one word Andes who will be like, yep, busy. Cool.

Thanks. And that sucks. And that might just be one of those things where you have to cut your losses and move on. But for the most part, if you're going to say like, hey, what are you are you up to with the hopes of them saying nothing i would like to hang out with you then you have to take the initiative if they don't 100 and like when you're phrasing it as well because in the comments they say they followed up and said come and join if you want yeah which is itself kind of like you know like you're kind of being like it it's almost like, I don't care, but you can show up.

It's like, no, be like, Oh, I'd love, you know, do you want to come with me? Or like,

Oh, I'd like you to come or like, you know, I think it'd be fun if, if you're free, you know, like make it positive. Don't like,

there's nothing to be gained by being like gray area and being, you know, quote unquote, cool about these, these things. It's like, if you want them to come ask them and like if they're a weirdo they might get upset and that's good because that's information you've

now learned and if they're not a weirdo then they'll be like oh yeah that's great and if you're positive they'll be positive and like that's how things move forward positively also you have to understand that text when you write like the i imagine the the response was like hey come and join if you want but i would response was like hey come and join if you want i would have read that as come and join if you want and those are two very very different sentiments you know what i mean so i think it was brianna we were talking to who mentioned like smiley faces and emoticons and stuff like that are very very important in texting especially early on like until someone learns your vernacular and sort of like your cadence and how you actually talk and like the way that you communicate, it's very important

through text to make sure that your meaning isn't getting lost. And as Niall said, like you have to really double down on almost being, you know, over communicating of being like, oh, cool. I'm going here. If you're free and you don't have any plans i would love for you to join that is way better than come and join if you want because that could be read in any tone and could be taking very very poorly 100 and like you know i think especially if you're saying you've mild autism it's like you're gonna i think spiral in situations that aren't cut and dry. So like, try to make situations for yourself as cut and dry as possible. I think in general, people don't function well in the gray area. But it's like, if you're you're like autism, kind of like presents itself in like missing social cues somewhat, the more clear situations can be the better it's going to be for you.

And again, for everybody, you know? Yeah. So just be like, before you send a text, really think about what you're trying to say and make sure, read it back. And I think where you're falling apart here is you think about what you want to say in the hopes of what you want to get back. And that isn't the way to communicate. The way you need to communicate is roll it back look at what you've written and be like does that communicate what i would like from them yeah it's almost like you're waiting on them to reply a certain way before you say what you want which is will you come and that's like you're not that's not doing anybody a service just fucking skip those steps ask them straight up and then like you know you're good

as now said no one's going to be upset if if you're too clear you know what i mean as long as you're not clinical about it if your whole message was you know if you want to invite them out it's you have to be very very clear about that's that was the intention of the message and not just that like you want to brag about this cool event you were going to um so just be just be very very aware and conscious that you need to you need to be very clear and autism aside it's it's a valuable skill everyone needs to learn 100 i you know there are i can count on you know more than one occasion where I've completely misinterpreted a invitation or a, you know, an invitation to like hang out or a hookup or something. Thinking like they were disinterested, but they were. A hundred percent, because I'm sure they were waiting on me saying, you know, X or Y or Z when in reality, like, I'm not going to be a fucking weirdo and be like oh yeah invite me to that thing

your friends are doing because like if they don't want me there that's gonna be so awkward to be like no like don't come you know because like a lot of that shit is very like tacitly understood at the start of a relationship where it's like you know if i'm having a fucking boys night it's like it would be weird if i brought the girl i just started seeing to this like intimate kind of event right so like if she asks then i have to break that kind of like social contract of us both knowing to explain it and it almost seems more offensive you know what i mean and weird it's like we all get it so it's like in these situations when it's like not made clear you very much much are like, oh, okay, it's not the time or the place.

So just make it clear. Like, you're not going to lose anything. Again, if someone's weird about it, that's a good sign you don't want to fucking date them. Yeah. This comes from Reasonable Design 274. Honest question for the men. How long before you expect sex? Been seeing a guy now for three months, so we have probably been on at least 12 dates.

Mostly dinner dates, and he brings up sex a lot. We have kissed and I've let him feel on me, but I'm not... I thought you said we have kids. I was like, oh, I think you've had sex. We've kissed and I've let him feel on me, but I'm not comfortable having sex yet. Last night, the topic of body count came up, and I'm at 19 and he's at 3. Or he claimed my number is high and that i'm viewing him as a chump i stated that when i was sleeping around i wasn't looking for a relationship right now everything hangs in limbo i'm curious when you guys expect sex fyi we are in our 20s and live in the usa

man i don't like the term feel on me yeah i don't like that i also don't like this guy was like or am I a chump to you like you're in your 20s are you sure about that cuz you sound like you're in your fucking face it almost sounds like you're in your like teens like you're 15 and you're like well I'm a chump you've had sex with more people you know what thing I never expect sex how about people? How about you fucking take that in your pipe and eat it? It's not how pipes work, but okay. Yeah, hey, depends how you use them. So like, I think that the whole like expect sex thing is just already a kind of a negative way to be thinking about things. well um i want to posit this to you how long would like how long would you see someone without having sex before you started being like what's going on here because i think there is like i

understand what you're saying you should never ever ever expect sex yeah i was i was just being like pedantic with the wording um yes to be fair i'm probably in i've i've seen people for for a long time without having sex with them so i i'm probably a bad person to ask this question you know it's been definitely more than 12 weeks or do they say 12 weeks or 12 dates they said 12 dates three months yeah yeah no i've seen someone for at least that long without having sex with them it's like if someone's not ready and they don't want to it's like i whatever you know i mean if we're doing other stuff especially like i don't care as much you know but on the flip side it's like i'm down to have sex on the first date oftentimes you know what i mean so it's like i'm anywhere on that spectrum it's like if someone's chill that's fine

you know what i mean especially if they communicate this you know like oh i don't want to or whatever like if people are clear about their intentions and where they're coming from and like it's not just this hidden like game where you don't really know whether sex on the table and if it isn't why kind of deal i would love to know why this person has such a delineation between like sex and relationships but whatever we we've talked about that kind of stuff before being like you don't need like you could still have you know sex with someone leading up to a relationship like i i don't understand that correlation being like oh i was sleeping around but now i'm looking for a relationship yeah it's bizarre it's like okay like you could still sleep with the person that you

would like to get a relationship with i would say that's a great person to sleep with. But that aside, I think for me specifically, it's tough because I was never in a camp of looking for a relationship. Like anytime for the past little bit that I've ended up in a relationship has all been sort of like go with the flow. It just kind of happened. So I genuinely or generally

was looking for like sexual relationships. So if I was going on dates with someone and they didn't want to have sex it almost didn't make any sense to continue seeing them. That's fair. If it was like a you know, I don't know when I'm going to want to have sex with you. It's like, okay, but like the relationship I would like

to pursue with you is a sexual one. I think you need to clarify where you guys both stand. Like, does this guy want to date you? You've guys been hanging out for three months and gone on 12 dates. That's no small financial or time commitment. So presumably he is into you.

I would, I'm very nervous about the chump talk that. Yeah. That's the only thing where I'm not on this guy's side. So you guys need to sit down and be like, Hey, here's why I'm not on this guy's side. So you guys need to sit down and be like, Hey, here's why I'm not having sex with you. And here's where I need to get before I consider it. And he needs to let you know,

being like, cool. I kind of only want a relationship with sex, or I don't want to date you seriously. And you guys need to get on the same page on that boat real quick. Otherwise it's, it will get a little frustrating if you're just constantly like, not ready. And it's like, what will make you ready?

And I don't mean this in a bad way, more in a communication clarification way. Because again, if you don't want to have sex with someone that you want to be in a relationship with, there seems to be a disconnect. Unless they also don't want to have sex, in which case, perfect. But unless you talk about it, how are you going to know that? Yeah. Yeah, I also just, like, I would love to know, like, does she want to have sex? And if so, why is she not? And also, like, the very fact that this post is happening is, like, it almost seems like she's just trying to, like, when he expects sex shouldn't fucking matter.

Because it should be when she wants it or not you know what i mean it has this like weird like game playing feeling to me which is like not great you know what i mean it's almost like how long can i can i leave it to you know what i mean and on both sides that's bad because it's like you know you shouldn't have to have sex because like damn i ran out of my my three and a half month limit guess i gotta do it now it's like if you shouldn't have to have sex because like damn i ran out of my my three and a half month limit guess i gotta do it now it's like if you don't want to you just shouldn't right but like also if you do want to then why not like there's no i don't think anyone wins in this like game of chicken almost and if you're concerned after three months if you're concerned that this

person isn't someone you want to have sex with, I'm going to wage that like, maybe they're not someone you want to have sex with like at all. Like three months is a pretty long time to get a feeling and a vibe for someone, whether it's a physical attraction or, you know, just getting to know them. Like if you're not there after three months and 12 dates, like that's a long time to spend with someone. If you're still like, don't know, don't know if I can trust him or don't know if I'm really attracted to him or, you know, like, I don't, I don't know what the hesitancy is. And I think you need to take a good, hard moment to be like, am I not ready to pursue sex? And therefore, you know, like,

it won't be a part of relationships. Because if that's the case, you kind of need to tell people up front. Because I'd imagine most adult relationships, people assume that like as you start dating, you will start having sex. And again, it's not an expectation of like, I'm dating you, so I get sex now. But I would say for most people, they go hand in hand. And if they're not going to go hand in hand, I would personally like a heads up if someone was like, hey, I have no problem going on dates with you. I have no problem, you know, making out and fooling around, but I don't want to have sex. And it might be like that for a very long time. I would really appreciate that heads up.

Yeah. And even on the flip side, it's like if all you wanted was sex and like you knew your partner wanted more and you just never kind of disclosed that to them it would still be shitty you know yeah so it's like just being vocal about your expectations is pretty paramount but also like as to this question it doesn't fucking matter when somebody expects sex because should only have it if you want to have it so it's like if you don't want to have it and men expect sex within two months like let's say you know when you look it up on google it says that that shouldn't fucking matter because again you shouldn't have sex if you don't want to you know for your sake for their sake for

everyone's fucking sake but flip side it's like do yourself a favor and have sex if you want to you know what i mean like we should move past this weird like toxic pedestal that we put sex on sometimes you know it should be fun it should be good again not saying you should have it if you don't want to or you should ever have it if you're like in any way like you know what i mean it's you should have the freedom to go wherever you want with regards to sex purely because that's where you want to go or not yeah this. This is by Strict Carpenter 661. Oh, it's Jesus. Yes, he's back.

I had sex with her, but I'm still not interested in her. Hi, everyone. I've been speaking to this girl for a couple of days on a dating app, and the conversations were flowing good, so we decided to meet up yesterday. I'm 24, male. She is 29, female. We met yesterday, and I took her out to a bar. The date was okay-ish, but I felt the conversation was flowing better on the phone compared to in person. After the date ended,

we ended up kissing and one thing led to another and we fucked. It's now the next day and I've realized I'm not all that interested in her. Don't see a future with her. How can I tell her without thinking I'm someone who's just used her for sex? Because you haven't done it more than once, I think if this was a repeat thing, it would be worse. But I think like you got a whole snapshot of an experience with this person. And I understand like, yeah, she might bad mouth you to her friends. Unfortunately,

that's just the way it goes, but you're not obligated to keep seeing her just because you slept with her. Yeah. Right. And like, unfortunately it does feel a little skeevy. But at the end of the day, if you're not attracted to her,

it's shittier to keep seeing her out of like, what, pity? Obligation? Like the reason to keep seeing her isn't there. And the only reasons to keep seeing her are really bad for both of you. Is it just like,

oh, I've had sex with this woman i guess we're together forever now um so yeah you just i think you just have to be like hey i had a i had a great time last night but you know i didn't feel as much of a spark as i was hoping yeah you know what like in a perfect world that would work you know what i mean and i think again like like we literally just talked about in a perfect world you guys went out she had sex because she wanted to you had sex because you wanted to and that has no bearing on kind of everything else um it's funny because i almost think it's the flip side where like if you hung out a few times and had sex it wouldn't seem as much as you were using them for sex because it wouldn't have ended

the second you had sex. Well, I mean, regardless, it would have been, it would have been the, the end would have been sex, right? Well, no, like, you know, let's say you go on three dates, you've been out three times. It's like, you have a better idea of who they are. Whereas with this, it's like the second you have sex, he's like, oops, bye. You know, like I, I would almost think that's a little better if you had, um, but you raised some incredible points where he's like oops bye you know like i i would almost think that's a little better if you had um but you raised some incredible points where it's like you're right like if you go on another date to like soften this possible thought she might have which again that's a lot of conjecture are you really doing you're not doing yourself a favor for sure are you doing

them a favor where like you might be getting their hopes up even further they might like you even more and it's like we've talked about this before no one's that good of an actor you're gonna be at this fucking bar and they're gonna know you're not that into it and it's like do you do it then or is one date more still not enough like you have to do three more dates before you know and then can you sleep with her on those dates well if she wants to sleep with you and you say no, is that not weird? Like, you know, there's kind of no other way forward because otherwise you have this ruse that like could just make things worse, you know? So it's like, look, if she is going to think that, yeah, that sucks. And I appreciate that you care enough to not want her to think that,

but we've all been there. We've all had sex with someone once and just never done it again, you know, and been the one who's done it and been the one who's had it done to them. I think you just gotta, you know, be nice. And if she says anything to the effect of like, Oh,

you just want it to fuck me. You can be like, no, not at all. And, you know, try to be kind, just like,

I honestly just, we didn't click a hundred percent or whatever. And like, depending on how like if the sex was good it might not be the worst idea to be like hey i you know i had a fun time and the the sex was really good but there was just that something that something that was missing from me and i don't think it's fair to either of us for me to either like lead you on or anything and and you know thank you very much

i really hope you you find whatever or someone you're looking for but i i don't think it's fair to either of us to to keep going because like i think the other alternative is ghosting which i think is a far worse oh yeah i don't think do that because especially it seems positive you know i mean it doesn't seem like oh this person sucked and then i fucked her it was like it just wasn't quite there the only thing is and i know this is probably a stupid question because if this was the case you probably wouldn't be posting about this but it's like sometimes first dates are awkward you know there's nerves on both sides of the table and it's like if being on the phone with her and you know talking to her via text and whatever and her physically and sex, all those things worked.

And the only thing that didn't was like seeing them briefly for this one date. Is it worth a second shot? I think, honestly, I really wish he mentioned whether or not the sex was good. Because I think if you have that physical connection or like a sexual chemistry, I find that once you have really good sex with someone,

some of the barriers get melted away. A a hundred percent and that's the thing it's like if you guys had kind of like stilted conversation went home rocked each other's worlds it's like when you meet up there's like there's not so much of the like we're strangers here because like you're you got that bond right like rocking on eggshells being like oh hope i don't you know hope i don't offend them or hope i don't say something that will make them not it's like the like i said like the barriers get kind of melted away especially you guys like i really like hanging out naked after sex and just talking that's like one of my favorite things of sleeping with someone for the first time is that like sort of vulnerable hanging out naked just chatting about whatever um like if

you had any of that sort of experience it might not like and you know what for all you know she's gonna be like cool i also didn't really feel it but i did really enjoy having sex with you so keep my number if you need a booty call because like i've had that too where on both sides where i've been like hey the sex was very good but i i didn't really feel like we had much you know to go on to keep seeing each other and they've been like cool i agree but you're right the sex was good so like let's not let's not delete the numbers you know what that's a very good point it It's like, for all you know, she's like, damn, I don't want to see this guy. Yeah. But like the sex was good.

Or just, I don't want to see this guy at all. You know, like she could be in the exact same page. So I think like, look, if the sex was incredible and if it was just like literally the conversation in person didn't really quite live up to it, is it that much of an imposition to do a second date? I don't know. It's up to you. I imagine if it was, you probably wouldn't have had this post, but I think sometimes that can actually cure that kind of disconnect a lot of the times. And other than that, just be honest. If you had great sex, you could be like, Hey, honestly, right now I'm not in a space to, for something more serious at a great time. If you want to continue doing that, that's great. But like, I don't want to lead you on if you were

looking for something more serious, because like, I'm not sure I'm there yet. I don great time if you want to continue doing that that's great but like i don't want to lead you on if you were looking for something more serious because like i'm not sure i'm there yet i don't know if you want to say we didn't have that connection because i don't know maybe maybe do it there's no harm in being honest right 100 i like that you cared but if she's just like oh this guy only wanted to fuck that's unfortunately her thing to deal with you know because hopefully she had sex if she wanted to. And hopefully she won't turn this into like a retroactive. Oh, I only did it because I thought. And that's why you should only do it if you want it.

Right. Because then if afterwards the other person doesn't want to see you again, it's not like, oh, shit, I feel used. It's I did what I wanted to do. And it was fun. So moving on. We promote honesty and communication for like that's the mantra of this podcast. I don't think just because being the honest thing to do here is kind of breaking bad news. I don't think you should shy away from it. I think you should be honest with them. I think you should say it in your own words, let them know.

And unfortunately, if they take it poorly, it's not really your job. You know what I mean? Because again, the only alternative is not saying anything or lying to them which are both really shitty things to do to people so i think unfortunately this is a tear the band-aid off as opposed to letting a wound fester now dang this is not in seduction but my god the comments oh i can only imagine yeah um i guess you should never have sex with anyone until you're about to get married is that what someone said or is that the general consensus is like you you did use her you piece of shit oh like blah blah blah men are scum like you know yeah yeah it's like

like do these people ever have sex that That's fun. I don't know. This might be quite possibly one of the most interesting questions I've ever found. Okay. This comes from red user purple success to seven, eight, four. My partner doesn't like signing during sex. So I'm a male 18 year old abled hearing. And my boyfriend is a male 18 year old is death. I know sign language.

And when we're getting in the mood I'll use sign language to talk dirty to him and tell him I love him when he's inside or when I'm inside of him. Problem is he himself does not like signing during sex so he usually points to areas he wants me to give attention but the thing is he can't ask me to do certain things in the moment or tell me that he's enjoying it. I asked him why he won't sign and he said it makes him feel unsexy and that he's worried that'll turn me and him off and that he feels enjoying it. I asked him why he won't sign and he said it makes him feel unsexy and that he's worried that it'll turn me and him off and that he feels stupid when he does it during sex. I told him that I don't care

if he signs and I just want us to have clear communication but he gets sad whenever I bring it up. What can I do about the situation? Any advice is helpful. Damn, that is really interesting. Right? Kind of breaks my heart because it's like you know, I was thinking maybe it was going to go like,

Oh, it takes him out like the focus or whatever. And he just likes to be in the moment. But like, it's, it comes from this like really like sad place of self-esteem. And like that hurts. I feel the like question askers pain.

Cause that's, that's really sad. And it's funny. I also feel the, the, the partner's pain as well. Like I get both sides of this. Oh, a hundred percent. Yeah. 100%. And it's, it's also feel the partner's pain as well. Like I get both sides of this. Oh, 100%, yeah.

100%. And it's one of those things where like, I have a solution or a suggestion, but I'll let you go first. Yeah, well, I think there's various things to this. And unfortunately, I think it's going to be one of those situations, you know, almost like where you have a partner who,

oh, we've had a million questions and we've all dealt with this, you know, it's very insecure about like their breast size or like their stomach or, you know, their legs or something. And it's, it's almost impossible to, to peel back years and years and years of, you know, self-consciousness and like self-flagellation and all these things, especially not quickly. I think it's a long haul thing often. I think you have to start by just flat out telling them like, hey, I am not going to be turned off by this. I think it's hot. I think it's cool. But I think there are a few different things you can do aside from the obvious emotional buttressing and support, which I assume you're probably going to do anyway.

One thing, maybe learn some dirtier sign language, right? So like, I love you. Cool. If that was the only thing I ever said while I was fucking someone, especially like, you know, I think my partner would get pretty bored of it, you know? So like, maybe you'll shock them and show them that signing can be sexy by like saying something a little filthy. Like, I think that could be, because I feel like, you know, with dirty talk, it's like if someone, especially if it's like kind of unexpected, but there's just like, you know, even if it's on the lower side, it's just like, you know, bite me, you know, I want you to bite me. And you're like, oh shit. Like it's kind of, you get that jolt of excitement when you're not expecting it. And all of a sudden someone's giving you a task and you're more than fucking happy to oblige and you know, they like it.

So like, if you could pop out some fun kind of like sign kink in the middle of it like it'd be great secondly i think if you like gamify it in some way like we've talked about kind of like playful control things where it's like i'm not gonna do i'm not gonna make you come unless you do x or unless you do y or you know and like again not in a bullying way but in a fun sexy game sense where i don't i guess if you tie them up they're not gonna be able to sign so that doesn't work but yeah fortunately handcuffs ain't gonna work in this game yeah well maybe if you cuff them in front i don't know but like you know if you do a thing and and like you're teasing them and you're whatever and it's like i'm not going to do anything else unless you tell me exactly what to do and like get them to sign you. And then you're rewarding them for their signing back at you by like going to town on them.

Be submissive. Be like, you're in charge, but I will only listen to things you sign on me. You know, make a fun, sexy game out of it, because like after you've just rocked our fucking world i don't think they're gonna be self-conscious about it or at least they'll be less so so here's my thing and i am on the other side of this uh in the sense that i don't think you necessarily need to convince it because sometimes things just we're able-bod. So we don't know what it's like to sign. And it's not necessarily like a thing of like an insecurity, but a body part of something. This is something that they have to do as a means to communicate.

In a day-to-day basis and stuff. So we don't, I don't know what that is like. So I don't necessarily know if trying to convince them that signing is the way forward or signing during sex is the way forward. So my suggestion would be, is to understand that, understand that it makes him sad or it, it makes him not feel sexy or, and this is just something that you might not be able to change. And instead, invent your own language. Invent your own moves and stuff that mean something. So something along the lines of, if he wants you to go harder, it's a simple squeeze of your hand or your thigh or like whatever part of the body.

If he gives you a squeeze or you give him a squeeze, that means to go harder. If you're doing a good job maybe it's a like a hair brush you know what i mean like and you pet the back of the head or something like that and find figure out a language of your own that is intimate and is personal and is physically connected so that it is the same thing as you know when i feel a woman's nails digging my back i know i'm probably doing a pretty good job and it doesn't have to be any, and like, those are, that's a sexual language and a nonverbal language that everyone has during sex. So I think that if you guys work together and figure out and be like, okay, cool, we're going to take away the ASL and we're going to throw that out the window

while we have sex and we will work on our own language. So if you want something faster, maybe give me a quick, like, you know, back and forth on the arm or whatever body part you can reach. And that'll be like go faster or a quick like a couple taps and work out a language and a symb somewhat on board as well. Because like, you wanted to go the other way where it's like you could sign dirty things to them where it's like they're not the ones having to do it. That might be a fun game either. Because then you're putting yourself in the doing the thing

they don't want to do, but they seemingly have no problem with you signing to them. But what Dane says is great as well. You can 100% be like, okay, if you don't want to sign, sign that's fine but what i want to do is have more communication in bed so it's like how about you know we work on this signal and this signal you know yeah and it doesn't have to be asl but it could be as dane said like a squeeze and and it like what you're asking for i don't think is unreasonable uh regardless of the insecurities that he may have.

I think you saying I want to be more communicative during sex, I think is something that is very commendable, is very respectable and very, very fair to ask for. Well, especially because it's not that I want to communicate my needs more. It's I want you to communicate your needs more which is like literally what we want like we want people to be these kind like you know initiative taking like loving fucking partners that care about their partner's pleasure right yeah 100 i and i think like i like i adore this question and i love that you guys are working together and i and i love that you guys are working together. And I love that you are aware of his insecurities. Because at no point in the question is it like, how do I change him? You know what I mean? It is with care and love.

And it is one of the best questions that I've come across in the 168 episodes that we've done. So I think that you can find a solution to this. And I think the really, really important thing is to as empathetic as we can be is to the understanding that we may never know what it's like to sign during sex or rely exclusively on that. And if it makes them sad, it makes them sad. And I don't know if there's anything you can really do about it. And I think it's the same thing with like any sort of physical disability or mental disability. If there's something that someone can't change, that is a part of their life that is inherent to who they are as a person, there just might not be like unteaching that or unlearning that.

So we need to, as people that love these people, find creative solutions for it. And it does. I think you guys do need to work together. But I think this is a conversation, as we've talked about before, with anything like this that happens outside of the bedroom and where you sort of acknowledge and be like, hey, I understand you don't want to sign and I'm not going to ask you to. But I do want more communication in the bedroom. So here's my solution and work from there. Now, the thing is, I totally understand what you're saying. And it is very important and I think very kind and very good. But at the same time, I think there's a danger in being like, oh, this is something that's a fact and we should jump straight to the,

like, it is what it is, let's leave it. Because I think with a lot of insecurities, you can build on them. You know what I mean? So I would hesitate to maybe just jump there straight away. Have this conversation, have it, as you said, out of the bedroom and talk and maybe brainstorm some shit and by all means have the alternate route as the fallback strategy or just an equal option or whatever you want to say about it but like there's definitely no harm in trying to build on or take away from this insecurity oh for sure i i think yes like and what you said like i agree definitely reassure them and be like hey you signing in or outside of the bed never makes me

think you are less sexy you know i mean like i don't think there's any harm in in in making sure that that is clear and that you establish that like signing is not an issue for you and and you love them regardless or because of you know what i mean i yes i i agree that is a very important thing to do to acknowledge their whatever their insecurity may be and to reassure them is is a very very important thing to do you're right but like as you said like if if it's like it's not for you to like solve this issue necessarily because it might not be a thing you can solve so being able to work around it and being able to accept it is like powerful so definitely keep that in mind

yeah so good luck i i am actually probably going to send a message to the person who asked this question because i would really like to know how this pans out because i i like i got so emotionally invested in this well i just love like you can feel the care like for your for the partner which like sadly is rare you know in a lot of the posts we read. Well, that's, and it's, it's refreshing and I love it.

So yeah, it's, it's rare that we get like a moment of, of people not spiraling of people trying to lift up as opposed to punch. Yeah. It's, it's, it's a good reminder that there are,

there are plenty of people out there that are doing good stuff. And it's funny because we had a question on our second tickle column that reminded me, in a sense, of this kind of love. I don't know if that's out yet, but if it is, go check it out. But that is going to do us for questions. But that doesn't mean that the show is over right before we end. At the end of the show, we'd like to peruse online dating platforms such as Tinder, Hinge, and Bumble to peruse online dating profiles to figure out

what works and what doesn't work in an effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable. Hell yeah. Are you ready for Francesca? Yes. You sound very unsure. I really had to think about that. Alright, giving this a shot because my current strategy of mouthing i love you to strangers from my car window isn't working out

okay i was ready for a francesca i like this i think this is a ted this is fucking hilarious i find it very funny yeah again i feel like maybe some clarification is needed because because when our good friend brianna came on the show she raised a really good point where like a lot of the questions we like or a lot of the profiles we like are kind of bare bones it's like that's funny and it gives you a good indication of their personality but like you know we still don't know what they're looking for in dating etc etc this isn't like am i dating this person it's am i swiping and honestly if the picture's there you know if they look good and they're funny yeah like you know that would this

profile would get get a swipe for sure so yeah i i'll give it a 10 it's funny yes it's fantastic i'm actually pretty light on i haven't uh i haven't really been using it a whole lot lately so i'm gonna let you i know you have you have a ton, a plethora. I have an obscene trove and I love it because Agent Valorant Heart is just our fucking dealer. He's a king. You want me to just keep going then? Yes. This is Danny.

Here for friendship, sober or sober curious, animal lovers, spiritual spiritual feminists, 420 friends, not here for unvaxxed and anti-science, non-therapy goers, fragile masculinity, relationship, atheists, full-time gamers, small brain, big ego, right wing, conspiracy theorists. Don't ask me to go for a drink. Do send pictures of your dog. Oof. I mean, some of those things aren't bad, the layout is like i'm i'm all for not being here for science deniers you know i mean like i'm on board with that but i don't know it all comes like it upsets me when people make a list of things they don't want when you can easily flip it around be like this is what i'm looking for because that seems much more confident and again as long as the list isn't the same thing like the same anger just being like i'm looking

for you know blah blah blah blah but like being like hey i'm looking for a vaccinated person to do something other than go for drinks yeah you know what i mean like an adventure partner outside of a bar blah blah blah like something like that other like this all just comes across as very very hostile and like yeah yeah it's very negative and the thing i hate the most is that like it doesn't give you enough about them it's like yeah you can glean that they're sober right but like that's kind of it it's like what are you into animals i guess yeah we're all all time gaming the full-time gamers oh full-time are these small-time games no small brain big ego came gamers. Oh, full-time. Are these small-time gamers? No, small brain, big ego came right after.

And that's like, also, like, are you literally against professional gamers? Or are you going to be the kind of person that, like, won't let you play PlayStation? For, like, more than a certain hours a week? Yeah, because that's a red flag right there. Let people do what they want to do. Yeah, also, non-therapy goers. That's another thing. A big believer in therapy being very positive and a great thing and i love that as a society we've come to the point where like you know people who go to therapy are not you know condescended or

ridiculed and in fact often praised and it's great because therapy is a really good thing but like does that mean everyone should go to therapy not necessarily necessarily. Also, it's kind of like, what if you're considering therapy and haven't gotten there? And she's like, no, fuck you. It's like, that's unnecessary negativity. And it's like, no. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not.

I'm going to give it a three. Yeah. A hundred percent. I'm just going to go through as they come up. Then this is Christina. I am not Tinderella. Pro can out drink you. Con hangover shits. Pro, can out-drink you.

Con, hangover shits. Pro, loves dogs, animals, and generals. Con, will steal your dog. Pro for me, actually. Yay sports, TFC, raps, Golden Knights, maybe some J's. Yeah, J's too. Honestly, I'm here to chat about and read profiles. All right.

This is kind of a nothing profile. I don't think it really is. Like, the hangover sh shit thing is actually pretty funny again like i i feel like this is this could be anybody so i'm gonna give it a four yeah okay what does i am not tinderella what does that mean tinderella i can't remember what tinder it was a phrase and i can't remember if it means someone who like goes from date to date to date to date to date or if it's like cinderella where once you find them they're the one i think it's an attractive person on oh okay i'm sorry i don't think so i looked it up and it's an attractive person on tinder particularly one who's accidentally gotten away okay it doesn't

involve a glass slipper but rather an accidental swipe when using the app that makes even less sense than what i thought it might have been because it's like you could like what if you're reading that and you actually at least swipe left like no you are tinderella yeah yeah i don't know like i'm gonna give it a four because it really isn't anything i'll give it a five i kind of like the dog part but like just listing sports teams is kind of boring and then honestly i'm just here to chat about and read profiles it's like why are you trying to downplay while you're on tinder hey you know it's it's that weird kind of negativity hey now that was me for a good chunk of time when when we i had our own like personal account i was just there to swipe and and reprofiles but you didn't say it did you i think i did actually oh god uh this is theresa will shamelessly use my dog as a wing

woman recently moved back to toronto after six months in the uk okay i mean bonus points for the dog reference but other than that you've given me nothing i mean you give me a little bit i can ask you be like oh cool what were you doing in uk yeah you know what i'd be like why only six months and why during covid oh true like six months is nothing to move somewhere like it's long enough to be weird that you came back yeah it's not university unless it's like a half year thing i guess but even then these days everything's maybe UK is different but most things are online I don't know

I'd be I'd be a little sus I'm giving it a two three three oh so I'm gonna give it a six because there's no necessarily like real red flags like the answer to that question could be completely normal so I'm I'm gonna give it a six because there isn't

enough there but there certainly isn't any red flags for me. All right. Ready for Ashley? Yep. Believe it or not, I am not on social media. I'm walking on air. Sorry. Believe it or not, I am not on social media.

Well, I mean, you're out of dating. Now, Dane, what's her job? Social media manager. Influencer. Huh. Now, tellane, what's her job? Social media manager. Influencer. Huh. Now, tell me this. Can you be a real-life influencer? Yeah, man.

She just goes to a ball and does her fucking skincare routine in front of people. Hey, look at this. Look what I'm doing. She just walks down the road TikTok dancing, but no one's filming her. Man, please. But wait, how'd she even get the TikTok dances? Damn it. This is an Arby's.

No one wants to watch you do your makeup. And also, as you said, you have to be on social media to get on Tinder and shit, right? No, you just need a phone number now. Oh, okay. But I mean, technically, an online dating profile is social media. It's true. I'm very confused. Actually, I don't think you social media. It's true. I'm very confused. Actually, I don't think you know what's what.

Yeah, I don't know. I don't. Also, the idea of a real life influencer is so absolutely upsetting that I'm giving you a one. Yeah, I'm giving you one as well, because also, like, look, social media is a ball of crap. But I also don't know how you would get by day to day without it in a lot of senses. So one. Yeah. Let's do one more.

Oh, okay. Make it a good one. Choose a juicy one. Do you want Tay or Doreen? I'm going to take Doreen. All right. I hope you are a real person and I hope to meet new friends. If I meet my prince, I'm willing to be his princess.

I like to travel in different countries, have many interesting interesting hobbies and i think i have an interesting soul but before we are familiar with each other i will not accept any invitation because girls need to protect themselves i do not accept those who just want to have sex i think the soul is more important than sex if you like me i'm very happy to be your friend i like to does it just cut off oh it just cuts off unless they're saying i like the letter t maybe i like t but it i realized we talked the other day about there being a a character limit and maybe this huh this strikes me as like maybe not english is there wow maybe english is my first language um this yeah it strikes me as like, almost like a translation thing.

Because soul is a strange thing to keep saying. But I don't know. Like, I don't, I don't love it. Not a big fan of it. Wow, you don't love the soul thing? No. So here, my... Jesus made that.

I know, he did. Thank you, Jesus. I'm going to give this a four. Because I don't necessarily think it's a red flag. I just don't think it's good. You know what? I think I might make it lower because before we are familiar with each other, I will not accept any invitation. How is it familiar if I don't invite you?

That's what makes me think that this is like a translation thing. Yeah, I'm going to go on a limb and say it is as well. you that's the that's what makes me think that this is like a translation thing yeah i i'm gonna go on the limb and say it is as well because i assume they mean like they don't want to be solicited and you know i mean like they don't want to be booty called until i don't think they're saying like i don't want to meet you until we're familiar with each other you know because that wouldn't make any sense um yeah it's gonna be about a 3 because like there's something kind of adorable about it but it is also a lot of words to get across I'm quite nervous

and like I hope you're real it pretty much is no hookups yeah it's no hookups but it met the character limit yeah that's going to do us that is our show thank you very much for joining us it has been a pleasure recording this for you.

And we love that you've spent your time with us. We know that, you know, the holidays are a crazy time and being able to carve out an hour to hang out with us means the world to us. And we love all your butts. If you have a question, you can pop on over to fbuddiespodcast.com. I hit the contact form fill out the little sheet there. We keep it completely anonymous. You can choose an agent name or we can give one for

you. Or if you'd like to support the show, which would be an excellent Christmas gift to give us, you can head on over to fbuddiespodcast.com, click the Patreon link and sign up there. If you donate at the $7 level, you get an episode, a bonus episode every month called Pillow Talk,

where we get a little loosey-goosey. This month we're doing a Ask Us Anything. So if you ever have a question that you want it solved that isn't sex and dating advice related, or if you want to know something about us, we're answering everything, baby. Except that one question we said we'll never answer. Yeah, thank you, Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities for for their song paper stars you got some bad sex

writing for me yeah i don't know where it went the garbage the toilet garbage okay this is i think sad because i would just like i can't tell if we've done this one before which is a travesty because it never should have happened let alone twice okay uh this is by i think ghost month by ed lynn she raised her hand and called up to the sky oh mazu mother of heaven she said i can see her nipples darken and push against her nearly transparent bra and cleats and cheesecloth shirt are you badly hurt no i'll be all right that's about uh nipples changing color based on your mood. Yeah. We all know they are the mood ramps of the body. Colors changing nipples would be really upsetting. It would be something.

It would be something. My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niles Payne. We've been your fuck buddies. Thank you.