F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 169 (Nice) - Sexmas Spectacular 2021

Episode Date: December 27, 2021

Did you think we forgot about Sexmas?  Did we actually forget about Sexmas because we recorded this entire month's worth of episodes in one week?  We'll never tell.  Join in our annual festivities celebrating the sexiest holiday this season with more sex advice from your two favourite shepherds of joy.  Topics include the status of 69, the hardest hitting questions to ask potential lovers, why do women do that, a groovy nervousness, how to turn moving into a sexy situation, Pavlov's moans, the stories your scars tell and the world's smallest dating profile.

I put my trust in you, and I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends! My name is Dave Miller. And I'm 60 Niall. I'm weird fuck buddies.

We're a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and we turn them into sexy, sticky situations. Simply put, we answer questions on the topics of sex and dating, usually ones we find online. Or, aside from that, ones that are sent in by our wonderful sensual listeners and look did we fuck up because we've recorded all these episodes in the span of a couple days maybe maybe last week should have been our sexless episode but hey fuck it it's a holiday that we made up and we can celebrate it whenever we want and today is our sexless episode. Oh, wait, listener, are you a fool? Did you think Sexmas and Christmas were the same thing? Oh, no, obviously this starts on the 27th, I think.

Hold on, let me check my calendar. It starts... Obviously it starts on the 27th. It is much like the gender spectrum or the sexuality spectrum. It's like the Kinsey scale. It's fluid. It is... Sexmas is whenever Sexmas needs to be. It's like the Kinsey scale. It's fluid. It is... Sexmas is whenever sexmas needs to be.

That's the thing. It's never really, like, sexmas or not sexmas. It's often, like, you know, more sexmas than other times, but that's about it. It's Schrodinger's holiday. Yes. If you put it in a box. Yeah. That's why we give presents in boxes on Sexmas.

Thank you. Someone's finally talking about it. Finally talking about it. Hey, let's talk about something else. I've got some sex news for you, Niall. In honor of episode 169, I do have an official report here from the World Health Organization.

And yes, 69 is still the worst sex position. Oh, wow. Okay. This is an official document. It is approved by every government. It's the only thing everyone's ever agreed on. Pretty much ever. And yes, 69 is still absolutely garbage.

So, oh, I just have a report in here from Old Tit Licker, and they say it's like an appetizer. This is about 69. And the drunker I am, the more likely I am to get super into it and eat your booty too. That would be no longer in a 69 position and almost like a rectangle yeah uh oh wait user deleted says i hate it it's so uncomfortable i'm short nothing ever lines up yeah that sounds about right yeah yeah uncomfortable unflattering undignified uns, unsatisfying, says Persephone Hazard. I found a 69 review thread on Reddit. But you know what did happen that I haven't looked at, which is probably not as fun as I think it might be? When I did look up 69 questions, as in like questions about 69, 69 insanely flirty and dirty questions to ask a guy came up so pick a number oh well i have to go with 69 okay this is stupid because there are 69 questions but they're like in like categories so there is no number 69 i guess i'll just give you the last one the last one is before me how many times did you have sex

per week that's not very flirty or sexy yeah that's not that's a terrible question that feels like a trap yeah it just sounds very bad if someone like because when i think flirting i think like before you've had sex not that you can't keep flirting after you've had sex but i feel like like my my main when i hear flirting i think of like you know trying to seduce someone uh so that no that's not a question i want to be asking someone or be asked like no that that seems exactly like a trap the answer's uh never yeah i don't know what is that what's sex who are you once i once was sucking up at someone and she said something really nice about my dick and it was like a very specific like phrase or like compliment and she said it and i was like hell yeah it's a real nice thing to hear about your dick and she was like oh i bet you everybody tells you that and i was like

no she was like no they have i was like no no she definitely have i'm like that's so angry at me and like it became a giant fight and i was like i'm not like what is this what is this so that's what this feels like. You can pick another number. I'll go with seven. Seven, okay. Have you ever had a dream about me? Hmm, okay.

That's a pretty fun one. Hey, hey, look at this. Best dirty questions to ask a guy. Flirty and fun. What's your thought on premarital sex? Is that actually one of them? That is number eight. Sorry, what is your position on premarital sex so even like less sexy yeah how about are you a shy guy sexually oh how about another trap who is your

dream girl if you couldn't have me wow how about another weird one what part of my body would you want me to tattoo these are terrible questions see this is why this is why we have this show is because people out there have put these questions out and someone thinks these are good questions to ask someone do you consider yourself more brainy or sexy what why are like can i not be both i would almost argue that that that you have to be both in order to be one or the other well no that's not true yeah you cannot be smart unless you're sexy unless you're sexy as hell but like i you know if you're just like a fucking bag of bricks i'm probably not gonna find you. Okay, this doesn't even make any sense. Okay, this is a website called buysofialeigh.com

and it's like a very stylish looking website. It looks very like Vogue-esque. No, it's Vogue. Not Team Vogue. I don't know. Either way. This is under best dirty questions to ask a guy to turn him on. What part of your body... Hold on. let me get comfortable

here let me just get all right turn me on now damn you guys are gonna listen to me turn dane on in real time this is very intimate this is a sexist gift for everyone it's a sexist gift okay you ready then i'm gonna ask you this question you're gonna answer me honestly right okay yep what part of your body do you enjoy the most on a women oh fuck fuck oh no i gotta go change my pants real quick what part of your body do you enjoy the most on a women huh what does it mean i mean i guess even if we correct it to on a woman what does that mean my dick i guess i like my dick like touching a woman i i would say my hands i guess yeah because you don't put your dick on something. I don't really, just kind of casually just like flop it down and be like, well, there it is. It's on you.

You like it? Okay, well, are you ready to be turned on even further? I don't know if that's possible, but let's see what happens. Would you ever sleep with your ex's best friend? Oh, damn. Why? What? These are all so, like, insidious.

Like, this is all stuff that I feel like she's the kind of person who, if she was an undercover cop, would be like, Hey, kids, are we getting up to crimes today? Sorry. Hello, fellow criminals i sure would like to break the law today who's doing something illegal have you ever stared at my butt or chest i mean so like if it wasn't so stupidly worded i think that's a fair i remember i was on uh a date and when they came back, they were like, be honest, did you look at my butt when I walked away? And I thought that was kind of fun.

That is. Now, are you ready for best dirty questions? Just go flirty and fun. Right. You ready? Ready for this? Uh huh. So flirty.

It's so fun. Wow. If you to choose your least attractive feature of mine, what would it be? What? Hey, big boy, what do you fucking hate about me? Yeah, what would you permanently change by tattooing on me? What? Hey, hey, you wanna, wanna go back to my place?

But first, uh, you gotta tell me what you absolutely can't stand about me. Oh my god, are you ready to turn them on again? We're back to that section. Are you a virgin? Oh, I'm turned on. Damn. My boner is ripping through this. Oh, no, it's.

Oh, no. Is that it knocking on the. It knocked on the mic. It has its own. Its own power. It's Jesus. Yeah, this is... Imagine someone thinking, asking,

hey, are you a virgin? It's going to turn anyone on? But that's the thing. It's like you're not asking it to figure out if they're a virgin. It's some kind of like... It's meant to turn them on. So like, someone might be like, oh, I know he's not, but I guess this is how I do it.

Hey, are you a virgin? He's like, what? We talked about this. What are you talking about? No, are you a virgin? He's like, what? We talked about this. What are you talking about? No. Are you? Am I some kind of chump? Am I a chump to you?

Am I a chump to you? Yeah, this is wild. The majority of these suck balls. Not in a good way. Yeah. Sucking someone's balls would be a much easier way to turn someone on as opposed to asking these questions. I don't like it well

i think we're just gonna deep dive into by sophia lee i mean is there more there's there's a whole section called all posts on relationships okay all right let's see what sophia lee's got um how about 25 random questions to ask a guy that aren't super basic? Hey, guess what? Going on by Sophia Lee and finding a list of 25 things to ask a guy is itself super basic. Hey, I need to know what these non-basic questions are right now. Pick a number. I'm going to go. Let's go with 13.

13. Okay. What's your favorite color? Do you have any unique talents? Okay. All right. Okay okay but you're ready for 11 yeah where's your family from oh nothing basic about asking about family how about seven what's your favorite show to binge on netflix these are all very not basic how about oh this one's super random what's your favorite sports team oh

these are like cutting to the core of a person damn they just get more intense as you go on number 19 do you have any pets how are they it upsets me that you being on this site is probably generating them income right now probably

probably and it upsets me that this person there's a good chance they're making a decent amount of money on this website and it upsets me even more that there are people who think these are good suggestions good questions to bring to a date yeah it's like if you're just like hey here's the most like i'm not even talking basic like buying a fucking you know caramel frappuccino i'm talking basic as in like the most basic shit like number one question like do you have a pet like boom that's not in any way random it's not in any way deep yeah i mean that's the thing it's like i'm not saying these questions are bad they're not bad questions but if you think that this is going to be like

the light switch that you can flip and be like oh shit i've done it i've solved it these are the questions that i have to ask to attract my future husband it's like these are just questions that you ask in conversation casually man this must be so easy to do okay you ready i got two more you can either choose 42 best deep questions to ask your boyfriend or 30 flirty questions to ask a guy i feel like we've already had the flirty questions so let's do the the deep one let's okay best deep questions. Pick a number between one and 42. We'll go with 23. Okay. Are you pro-choice or pro-life? Okay.

Okay. That's, yeah. Pretty decent. That's okay. Yeah. Should children be allowed to have cell phones? Not exactly what I'd call a deep, you know, life-changing decision. But, I mean, I guess if you're raising a

child that's a good thing to know sure okay we should move on from this stupid website yeah probably uh should we do some questions uh no you're right let's go back yeah let's do some questions i'm sorry guys i got real distracted you ready for why do women do that? Oh boy. This is by Overrated Dentist. So, best name. So I, 23-year-old male, saw this girl in the coffee shop and she gave me a signal, or as I think, that she wanted me to come talk to her. She kept looking at me, smiling, and even played with her hair. So I walked up to her and introduced myself, which I almost never do, but she was so cute. Anyway, we talked for 15 minutes.

I had to go, so I asked for her number, but instead she gave me her Instagram, and then I left. Later that day, I sent her a message. She answered. We talked for two or three days, and I asked her if I could take her on a proper date instead of 15 minutes in the coffee shop. She told me she's busy with work, and I'd love to go on a date, but during the weekend, and then suddenly ghosted me for a week, and I discovered she blocked me without any reason. It's not my first time to be ghosted. It happens to me a lot, especially on dating sites, and I don't know why this any reason. It's not my first time to be ghosted. It happens to me a lot, especially on dating sites, and I don't know why this happened. Am I doing something wrong, or are they just being rude?

Or what? Because I seriously don't know. I try to get to know her better, anyone who is a potential partner, but they answer with one word, and I feel they are not interested to get to know me, as I think. Hmm. Okay, this wasn't as... Garbo? ...toxic as I thought it was going to be, because it seemed, you know, approaching someone, but like they seemed into it for the most part. Yeah.

Unfortunately, it's like, I don't know why she ghosted you, and I don't know why you're getting ghosted. I would have to probably like look through your chat messages, because like if you left it there, if it was a, hey, I'd love to take you on a date. And she said, all right cool you know well on the weekend because i'm busy with work did you like did you leave it there and then follow up on the weekend or did you keep talking throughout because did you just also say nothing which it almost seems like yeah like i would like to know how that the rest of that interaction played out because if she was like oh i'm busy on the week and but like you know when the weekend i'm and i'm free i would love to go out on a date and you were just like did you take that as a slight did you did you keep having sort of like banter back and forth did you keep pestering her with questions and maybe didn't

get the hint that like she was saying hey there's a lot on my plate right now let's just we'll do this on the weekend so like there's any number of those things there's also just the possibility that like you're a random person that she met very very briefly doesn't really owe you anything and was like actually you know what i'm already seeing like three other dudes and i don't have the time to see another person that i don't really know that well. So, or, or they were just like, this is a stranger and I don't really know that much about them. I don't really feel safe doing this. So it's probably better if I block him before he freaks out that I won't, you know what I mean?

That, which is totally reasonable and fair. Yeah. Now things to be aware of. I think one, what are you posting on your Instagram? Is it all stories of like anti-vax shit or like you sharing like very offensive memes or like you and your boys snorting coke off the back of a toilet or like, you know, anything like that?

Cause she's seeing your Instagram too and what you post. So if you didn't even send her something, you might just be putting out vibes she does not like. Secondly, maybe she does what I do, where I go and sit in coffee shops and I give people signals and when they come over i give them the podcast instagram just so we get more followers i do that all the time maybe if you're one of the 1900 people who've you know come over to me when i play with my hair in a coffee shop that's i'm sorry i was using you for more follows gotta never stop self-promoting nssp that's why i do yeah it's it's unfortunately like the why did they ghost me question is something that no one can really answer unless you like give us your your text history or your post history or or if you know

this guy was like i then messaged her every 30 seconds until the weekend it's like okay well then like okay okay, cool. Yes, we figured it out. So you really have to look at like what you did in the, the between times between when she said, I'd like to go on a date with you this weekend and being blocked. I will say, I also kind of not on this guy's side purely from the,

why do women do that? Like title. Cause it's weirdly bitter and it's weirdly like sexist right it's not just like you know being like oh women always ghost women always do one word answers and it's like it's not like a gender trait yeah like the the correct phrasing would have been like why does this happen to me why is this always happening as opposed to being like why are women doing this exactly the fact that this is how he phrases like how it's like framed in his mind probably means he's not quite as charming or as lovely or suave or as

appealing as he thinks he is you know like it's very possible this person kind of thinks you suck because you seem to have this weird like victim mentality in a sense and like if again it seems to be an issue that's happening a lot of the time and more importantly it's like you met this person for 15 minutes and chatted to them on instagram for a few days and you're this upset about it you should be like oh didn't work out i moved on it's like yeah you shouldn't be that invested no because i didn't even think about like the stuff that you're posting so yeah it's like if you are posting a bunch of stuff being like women are always doing this or like being a strong man is this it could definitely been a turn up so

you just have to like i said you have to look at that that gap between when she said yes to a date to being blocked what you were posting what you were saying and what you were doing and really examine and analyze what you're doing there and see if there was a bad vibe mojo thing happening on your end, and if there wasn't, then you just chalk it up to people being people. Oops. It's going to happen. A lot of people

ghost, and the stranger doesn't really owe you anything. 100%. This comes from Reddit user StopSayingThatShit. I'm not going to read the title because it's good. I'm not going to read the title because it's good. I'm not going to lie. And I hope the listeners feel the same way. I love it when I hear I'm not going to read the title because I know it's going to be spicy.

I really don't want to complain because my boyfriend is a sweet and amazing guy. Everything about our relationship and sex life is perfect, but he keeps saying things like groovy during sex. The timing is absolutely awful too, because he often says those things while I'm coming or trying to come. Last time I was giving him oral and it was so turned on. He was getting close. I was getting close. And then he moaned,

Oh, groovy. He was able to finish, but I was so turned off that I just stared at him. He ruined my orgasm and that's not a kink of mine. So I was not happy. Nor is it groovy another time i was riding him and experiencing an intense orgasm i was shaking

little he held me and asked you feel good cool beans let me tell you something it ruined the mood so fast and i even told him to please stop saying that although he says a lot of irritating things groovy is by far the worst he'll say it when we're changing positions, when I'm moaning, when I ask him to keep going, etc. It takes me out of the moment. Am I just being petty? I mean, our sex life is great, and he's an amazing guy. He doesn't even talk like that outside the bedroom, so I'm not sure where this is coming from. One time I discussed this with him, and he says that he didn't even realize he was saying it so frequently. He claims that he's still a little intimidated by me we've been together for six months so he gets nervous which causes him to talk i don't see why you'd feel intimidated at all so what can i do or we do i've asked him if you'd like to wear

a ball gang next time and he seems interested i just don't have the heart to tell him why i'd like him to wear it damn um this is a pretty groovy question can you read the title now yep it is boyfriend says things like groovy and cool beans during sex and it turns me off oh so good uh didn't we have a cool beans question before i think so or we definitely had some beans questions maybe oh we've definitely missed questions you know what we need i've been like getting a lot of audience feedback and we need more beans apparently so this is a close second i'm confused because it almost seems like they've talked about it but then it also seems like they haven't talked about it it's almost like

schrodinger's talked about it did they or didn't they because she's like oh i mentioned and he's like oh i don't even know i say it blah blah blah blah but then she's like i don't have the heart to tell him why i want him to wear the ball gag and it's like okay but also if you talked about it did he just be like oh yeah i won't do that and then immediately when you were fucking was like groovy i mean it's one time i discussed it with him and he says he doesn't even realize he's saying it so frequently so but like there's no update on like any rational person writing this would then be like and next time it didn't change right because now i'm wondering if they didn't really discuss it but like discussed the word groovy like oh you say

that a lot or like oh it's weird that you say groovy not when you say groovy it ruins my orgasms and turns me off yeah maybe so step one just be like hey this might seem really weird i love you you fucking rock my world. Our sex life is incredible. But like, honestly, sometimes you say stuff in bed and like it's it's so surprising that it like really takes me out of the moment. I mean, like, you know, when you say groovy, obviously nothing to do with you, but it's like it's not your usual vernacular. And it's like it seems a little forced. It's kind of out of nowhere. And it's like it's not you.

So it is surprising. And that surprise draws me out. Boom. That's not of out of nowhere. And it's like it's not you. So it is surprising. And that surprise draws me out. Boom. That's not offensive at all. I don't think. And like the fact that you're saying like. Oh it's not the way you usually speak. Is great.

Because if he usually said it. I don't know if you have much luck in this department. So just say that. And I really don't think you'll get upset. Now I agree with everything you're saying. But I don't think any of that is going to matter or stick until you come to the real crux of this question is which is to return fire no i'm i mean he's intimidated the reason he's saying this shit is out of like a nervous tick but yes you say

crazy shit back to him yes you find what makes him quiver in the bad way and it's probably like bodacious or like well what's worse than groovy uh radical tubular bodacious i so i know someone who was sleeping with a very attractive man and he would like regularly pause during sex look down on her and be like i love your juicy bod and it killed her every single time and not in a good way to the point where I think they actually had to stop sleeping together, even though he was very attractive. So maybe tell him you love his juicy bod. It's a body. It's a bod. Yes.

I think you need to come to like the reason he's saying this weird shit is probably because he's fucking so panicked. And it could be for any number of reasons. Maybe he's not that experienced. Maybe you're his first sexual partner maybe you are just very very attractive and he feels like he's not and he's living that like that imposter syndrome of being like i shouldn't be here and he's for some reason channeling like a fucking 1960s cool guy like he's being possessed by the spirit of a very cool disco man. Now I love that. This is your take on it or not like your take,

but this way you're focusing on, because to me it's impossible to imagine that being my refuge when I'm freaked out, like groovy, groovy, groovy. I mean, it's got it there's got to be something somewhere in his psyche

that like groovy is like maybe he's a huge fan of fucking uh evil dead you know what i mean and like he thinks he thinks bruce campbell and he's just he just reverts to bruce campbell and he's like that's the sexy man and the spirit of bruce campbell is going to save me and it's the only way i can satisfy this incredibly attractive woman that there's no reason i should even be anywhere near so like when he said at that one time when you were giving a blow job it was like evil hat come come on um yeah like i i think a lot of the time sexual relations are like when you find this like you see a snake it's like the snake's just as scared of you as you are of it but you don't necessarily know that so this guy you probably think of him as all like you know confident shit and he's he's

a little terrified snake that's okay i feel like anacondas aren't scared of me. Well, they don't want none. Unless you got those buns, huh? Hey, you got them buns. They do want some. So why would they want some if they were scared? You're right. QED. Anacondas aren't scared of you. What are we doing today? What are we doing? I blame that first website. They threw me off my rhythm.

Hey, Dane. Got any pets? Hey, Gnarl. What do you hate about me sorry hold on i'm ejaculating furiously just spewing just spewing just fucking like a like a like a milk sprinkler um it is it is like a staccato thing like a and then it goes left to right oh my god what are we doing today it's happy sexmas guys yeah so i think communication first be like hey these weird things you say i already said it communicates them if not maybe you know try to reassure them that you love what they do in the bedroom department.

Yeah, you need to you need to figure out why he's intimidated and you need to put that to bed. You need to be like, hey, you mentioned that you're intimidated with me. Like, why do you feel that way? And reassure them that like whatever it might be, you need to calm that down. Because even if you get him to stop saying groovy he's going to manifest that intimidation in another way that's probably not great and the more confident your partner is in bed the better the sex is going to be and you already say your sex life is great now imagine if he wasn't fucking nervous you know what i mean like it's only going to get better when he stops

being in his head and and saying crazy shit like groovy to you well you know the worst thing is it's like so far it's probably been a self like perpetuating cycle because he's like having sex with her and he's nervous and like it's starting to go well and like maybe the fact that it's going well is making him more nervous so just as she's about to come just she's about to like wash away some of this self-consciousness, he's like groovy. And then, oh, fuck, he ruined it. He can see it on her face. He's like, what did I do wrong?

I'm more nervous. Now I have to groove even harder. Yeah. There's no harm in channeling the spirit of Bruce Campbell. There isn't. He's a, that, that chin could fucking make a woman come simply by rubbing against her, simply by him putting it upon her which would be the the question that he would he would say just relax question ask talk to your partner get him to not be intimidated and then have the conversation about the groovy talk person

having sex fucking relax this person is literally upset that you make them come and you stop them from coming you know what i mean like the problem isn't like oh he can't make me come the problem is he makes me come and then makes me not come because of the stupid shit he says they're like the disappointment here comes from the like such good orgasms are on the table yeah and like you're like at best diluting them and at worst ruining or taking them away and it's like they wouldn't be that upset. Like if that was all they expected was like to almost orgasm, they'd be like, oh, okay. But like, they're like, no, I could be fucking just shaking and bucking and screaming.

But no, you got to groove all over me. All right, let's move on because I think we've got two questions and we're almost halfway done our show. This is by Rebricht. The girl I like offers to help me move. Should I accept? I'm 25 male. She's 25 female.

I'm moving to a new place, and the girl I like, upon hearing this, offered to give me a hand. I thought she was just being polite, but yesterday she mentioned it again when we were on the subject. I don't have that much stuff, so by myself, I can make it in two to three trips.

Will it be a good opportunity for me to spend some time with her? Will she feel troubled? We don't have a car, so we'll take 40 minutes per trip by subway. If I were to accept it, how should I ask? Do you perhaps have time tomorrow to help me move? Afterwards, we can maybe go to the cafe we talked about? This is so sweet. This is so sweet, my man. Look, yes, accept this woman's help. It is one, moving sucks. So you should accept anyone who offers to help. You should accept regardless of, you know, anything, regardless of whether they're your friend or whatever.

Anyone willing to help you move is a saint and they deserve to be paid in pizza and beer. And that is my official platform. And it is what I believe until the day I die. This person, this is a great time to hang out. You're spending some solid one-on-one time. You're ending and starting in your own apartment should things get frisky and you're, you're going to be bonding. Like it's a perfect time to like hang out. And, and so I, your question is how do I ask her? Be like, Hey, I don't really need the help, but I would love your company. If you want to come and just hang out with me, uh would be amazing i'd love to spend the day with you and you know drinks on me when we're

done as a thank you yeah i feel like just being like hey like reaching out just like hey if you're serious about like helping me move that would be incredible and i will you know definitely ply you with food and drink like yeah something as simple as that and then maybe even just be like just a heads up it's not too much but like you could really help i think that one you're like setting the stage so that they don't have to be like oh no i'm gonna spend the whole day moving you have an excuse to buy our food and drink and hang out and like you're expressing your gratitude because as dane says moving is fucking the worst so it's like win win win my only fear was that it would be not that fun and

bored like maybe it would be boring as fuck and awful because again moving is terrible so like you'd invite them over and they just have a terrible time but it doesn't sound like you're doing all that much and i think the key here is to one if she's coming and if you like her just have it be you and her right don't invite like a third friend so that like especially if you fuck all stuff right if you had a whole grueling day ahead of you like it would be shitty to just land it on her because you know you want to get laid but if it's not that much you and her get to your place you know order some food get some drinks maybe instead of pizza beer do like a nice local place

and you could always be like oh i want to try this place out i'll be in the neighborhood and a bottle of wine you know class it up just a little bit and then comes the ikea bed gambit yeah i mean this is like if you go out afterwards once you've fucking like the line of hey you want to come back to my place and help me unpack it's right there it's right fucking there no the ikea bed gambit yes i know you help you put it you want to break it in yes i get it no not even break it in help me put together yeah then when it's put together help me break it in yes um you seem so dissatisfied with the ikea bed gambit dame okay i don't know well it's yeah it's it's it's right there it's right on the fucking table. Like if you guys do go out to this cafe,

you, you want to go out to the, the invitation to go back to your place is, is so easy. Like it's not forced. You could literally be like, Hey, help me move all day.

If you want to come back to my place and help me unpack, there's a bottle of wine in it for you. Or, you know, there's, you know, there's a, there's another glass of wine in it for you. Blah, blah you know there's a there's another glass of wine in it for you blah blah blah and like it's so easy this is such a great

opportunity and it helps you not move alone which is the fucking worst there's no downside to this why are you so upset about the ikea bed game but we gotta get into this what's up what seems like it made you sad no it's i i just think it's very cliche. Whoa. He's in a rom-com. A girl's helping him move. We gotta have some cliches. I know. Why are you so sad?

I'm not sad. You seem so sad. No. The viewers are messaging me already being like, what's up with Dane? Is he good? Did something happen on the Nike bed? I don't know if I've ever owned a Nike bed. I'm sure I've had some Nike bed.

That's the real thing, isn't it? That's what could have been. I been i'm sorry dude you could have had a shitty bed and you didn't i'm actually in the market for a new bed so maybe i'll maybe i'll treat myself to an ikea bed in the new year well if you give me the money for a good bed i'll give you my old shit bed yeah like i want to be anywhere near your fucking sin bed whoa it's It's all coming out today, yeah? Happy sexmas I guess, guys. But yeah, I think I assume you would also give me your filthy mattress as well with your bed. I got a new mattress pretty recently, actually. It's very

delightful. As if it's not already filthy. Don't try to pull me. Hee hee hee. Alright, I think we did it. This is going to be, this is more similar questions of my first one. How do I tell my girlfriend her moans and noises during sex make me uncomfortable? My girlfriend usually moans in a very, I'm not sure the correct expression, painful sounding way maybe.

I often find myself slowing down, stopping and asking if she's okay. I'm a bit more of the sensitive nurturing side personality wise. And she always tells me there's nothing wrong. These sounds come naturally to her when she's enjoying it. But I still can't help but be turned off by them somewhat. Hmm. See, it is... The good thing about someone saying groovy is that, like, you can very easily not say groovy presumably now the only issue with moans and stuff is like they're often more natural but sometimes they're not but it's like if it's a thing that she doesn't have control over this could be an awkward conversation but

i think you have a very good way to begin by what you've already told us which is that you're worried that she's in pain and you care just be be like, hey, when we have sex, like a lot of the times you make a noise that like really sounds to me like I'm hurting you. And I just want to like check in and make sure that like I'm not. Hopefully you're not already. But if you are, this is a good time to, you know, figure that out. And if, you know, you guys clear that up, you could be like, I don't know what it is specifically, but maybe you could be like, hey, like, could you just not make something like that sounds so sharp, you know, or so like whatever. And just let them know that, like, it takes you out of the moment because you're concerned about them. Well, I think you're right.

And I think I don't think necessarily changing, like asking her to change the noises she makes, like you said like those are instinctual like it would be very hard i think to change the way you naturally moan or express pleasure now but i will say just the caveat is that and that's kind of why i went with this kind of train of thinking is that a lot of the time it isn't natural and it is put on so you know i think the conversation is good just in case she watched porn once and was like, yep, I got to do it. I think the first half of like you saying, hey, like the reason I'm asking you about this is because I'm concerned about you. I think like I get that. And I think that's a great thing to do. What I would suggest is also introducing the idea of a safe word so that if she is in pain, you don't confuse. So you train yourself to look out for a more direct noise or word or signal

that something isn't right than just trying to guess based on moans and nonverbal communication. So if you say like, hey, sorry, there are times during sex where your moans sound like I might be hurting you. I'm very concerned about that. and it kind of takes me out can we establish that like if something is unpleasant or you are in pain that we do this so that way you have a very clear oh okay you're not liking this because you've done this as opposed to being like i don't know if you're liking this because the noise you're making kind of sounds like you're not and if you guys work on that communication and come to an agreement that you know this means good this means bad then i think that you can kind of pavlov yourself into enjoying whatever moon she makes naturally if that makes sense and that's the thing like if

yeah either way i think it's gonna help because if that is honestly you're worried that you're you know legitimately concerned and not just kind of a reaction purely to the noise whereas like if it is just you know you're not hurting her but the noise is just so pain-filled that you can't look away then maybe you gotta find another partner i don't know i mean yes unfortunately like if this is a fundamental thing like if this is a fundamental thing, like if this is just the noise she makes and it is not a noise that that meshes with your personal tastes. Unfortunately, some people just aren't sexually compatible. And that and that's just the, you know, the fact of the matter. Like, I know I was once with someone who would would scratch a lot and I fucking hated it.

And they were like, I don't know what i'm doing like it's an impulse thing that i have and we tried all sorts of ways and like she would catch herself you know a brief second into it be like oh shit sorry but like it happened so frequently that i was just like this this isn't gonna work i enjoy sleeping with you and i i really like you but like i can't have you you know draw blood out of me every fucking time we sleep together so it's it's one of those things where it's like if this is just ingrained in her if this is the noise she makes and it's just a noise that does not mesh with you unfortunately as now said you might have to find another partner um let this load all right this is posted by five headed

giraffe someone i hooked up with in october dug her nails into my back so hard during sex it left scars. What do I say to people I date now? I'd like to be honest, but I don't know if it would be a turnoff or not. So yeah, I hooked up with a girl two months ago. She was so into it, she dug her nails into my back and caused me to bleed. The wounds capped over, and I tried not to touch them for a week or so. Now it's December, and they're just scars at this point. But they're very visible, and I have other scars on my body related to surgeries so my scars

naturally come up in conversation before sex when we undress i'm now worried about having sex with new people explaining my sex scars i don't want to lie to people but at the same time i'm worried it'll come off as a huge turnoff do i make up a story of a cat fucking my backup while i was asleep on the couch or something um i feel like if you have surgical scars, people are going to be drawn to those before they see your back. So I think that if the scars come up, I don't think you have to give an explanation as to like

what every single scar on your body has come from. You can just say, oh yeah, I have a bunch of scars. A lot of them are from surgery and just move on. And if someone like if for whatever reason you're lying on your stomach after sex and someone's like oh what about these ones then like yeah i don't think there's any harm in you saying oh someone scratched my back really hard once you don't need to necessarily say like

during sex or anything people can infer what they want to infer but you're right it's it's ridiculous to have to lie to someone because if this is someone you're hooking up with casually and then up dating for a couple years or whatever to one day have to be like oh actually it wasn't a cat you know what i mean like it it just makes no sense to set a lie in the foundation of relationships when it really isn't that big of a deal like it has nothing to do with them it has nothing to do with you it's a transient thing and i promise you those scores scars are probably going to fade much faster than like surgical scars because i have i've had like cuts and scars and stuff that you can barely see now from similar things yeah that's the thing it's like they're probably not scars they're probably you know because like scars are permanent right and like i have scars that will never go away and there are other things that you know they last a

bit but they went. So you're probably good. This is probably something you only have to worry about for a short while, presumably. But hey, if not, Dane makes a really good point. You don't need to go into detail. Right. And I feel like going into detail is probably even if it's fake detail is probably going to draw more attention to them. You know what I mean?

If you're like, oh, yeah, I got scratched. Boom. Done. Whereas like if you're like, oh, I got scratched boom done whereas like if you're like oh i got scratched by a cat they're probably like oh damn it's a big cat you know or like it gets more interesting and then you have to lie more and blah blah blah blah and it's like if you start dating someone you know what's gonna happen three years later it's thanksgiving dinner they're gonna be like oh it's so funny uh he was telling me the story once about a cat that scratched the shit out of his back and the mom's gonna be like he never had a cat and you're like no no no show show her the scars and he clearly not a great liar so he's gonna go beat red she's gonna know what that means and then you're gonna have unveiled

his sex back scars to everyone at the table it It's gonna be terrible. Yeah, there's no reason to set a foundation of lies for something as stupid as this. And if someone's like, I'm sorry, you've had sex before me? Then they're not a mature partner. They're not someone you want.

It's all in the fucking wash. Don't worry about it. As Nala and Bo said, those things are gonna to be like in, in a couple more months, you're probably not even going to see these things. So don't worry about it. If someone asks about it, you know,

if you have to just kind of make sure your back isn't super exposed, the likelihood of a sexual partner seeing your back is pretty, pretty slim unless you're, you know, walking around a whole lot or lying on your stomach. Or getting pegged. Or getting pegged, yes. I guess that's true.

I don't know what you guys are doing. And if they are, they're probably more of a mature sexual partner, presumably. I don't know. Maybe a little bit more adventurous. I doubt they're going to be as weird at the thought that you've already had sex. Yeah.

And if they are weird, just be like, hey, I literally stopped sleeping with this person because they did this to me. Yeah. This isn't a fond memory. This isn't like a trophy for me. This sucked and I didn't enjoy it. But that's the thing. It's like if for some reason someone is weird, either about the explanation or like the fact that you haven't given them like a detailed explanation.

Fuck them. That's probably a good indication. You don't want to sleep with them anyway. So you got this. Alright. I think it's Tinder time. Ah. Ah. Ah. That's how we like intro this

part now. At the end of the episode we like to peruse online dating platforms and see what's out there. And it's usually trash. And we peruse Tinder tinder hinge bumble for online dating profiles we comb them for red flags see what works what doesn't work in an effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable ready for die they give their instagram

okay then it says brave and straight say they're from cyprus and then no vegan but i'm gourmet what was it brave or straight brave and straight oh yeah there's i mean there's nothing braver than being straight in this that's like in this world doesn't it kind of feel like an anti-lgbt like i'm proud of like being straight like what i have the bravery to be straight. I'm also like always a little confused as to why people, I understand on platforms that don't have like your sexual preference or whatever. But I'm like, if I'm on a dating platform and I've set myself to be a man and you see me, then I assume that you are into men, right? Yeah. you see me then i assume that you are into men right yeah also like if i've swiped on you it can probably be assumed that i am into you yeah so i understand like if you want to uh clarify

because i know a lot of dating platforms actually a lot of dating platforms have gotten pretty extensive in their ability to you know uh identify yourself as, your gender identity. You know what I mean? Even Tinder has gotten fairly good, I think. But I feel like if you want to say that you are gender fluid or non-binary, that kind of thing I think is okay and important. But to be like, I'm straight or I'm bisexual, it's like, well, okay, that's fine. If you're bisexual, cool.

But that just means that you're going to see men and women on your your profile and it really doesn't have any bearing on me specifically um so but i think there's an extra level of cringe when you declare yourself as straight and i don't know why that is because you know it's it's just as important to know that someone is as straight as they are as it is to know someone's gay when you're dating or you're looking to attract a partner i guess but i don't know there's there's something about it to be like especially when you pair it with the word brave because there's nothing brave about being straight i don't know it feels very like it feels homophobic and I'm assuming

it actually is so you know what fuck you it's very dog whistly yeah maybe it's not but even if that's the case then you're just like oblivious and like in this fucking climate I don't think you can afford to be

oblivious yeah exactly I'm gonna give it a one as well. This is Cho. I have almost everything I want right now, just missing a relationship. I have a career I enjoy, good friends, and family. I want someone to go for walks, brunch, etc., Netflix, and chill.

I'm caring, compassionate, and affectionate, looking for a man who wants the same. It's almost quite cute and lovely, but you know how I feel about people who want a relationship. Yes. You know? I feel like if you take that line out of this profile,

I would be much more inclined to be like, hell yeah. To proudly say like, hey, my life is under control. I'm very happy. I love my friends and family. I've got a great career that I enjoy. They don't brag about like making a bunch of money. You know what I mean?

Like it's, it's a career that I enjoy as opposed to. Yeah. Yeah. And it's just like, I'm looking for these things. I'm looking for like a low key sort of situation. And I'm looking for someone who's,

who's looking for the same. Great. But to say you're looking for a relationship makes me feel like you might be willing to cut little corners. You know what I mean? You're going to try to shoehorn a relationship before it's time for a relationship as opposed to just letting things naturally occur.

Yeah. So also, it doesn't really give me that much about you i love the confidence i love the like solidity of like your happiness like i love that you're you're thriving and that's great and you have the confidence to say so i hope it's you know i hope it's real i hope you're doing well but i'd like to know what you're into you know i'd like to know a little bit more about you and i'd like you to take away the, like, I need a relationship part. So it's like a five. Yeah, I'm going to give it a six because I like the positivity.

But I do think that you just a couple more tweaks, and I would give this like a solid eight or nine. All right. This is Addis, and this is all in capital letters. So do you want me to shout, or are we just going to theater the mind? Yeah, please don't shout. Okay, I'm going to say it very softly then, but you got to imagine I'm shouting. I'm at a place in my life where peace is my main priority and negativity cannot exist. I will no longer match people's energy.

See, when you say it calmly like that, that's quite nice. I'm at a place in my life where peace is my main priority. Yeah, yeah. It's a very different vibe when you imagine this being yelled at you. Hey, that's great. I'm glad you're not matching anyone else's energy. This is certainly not my energy, so I'm going to give this a two. You know what's ironic?

There's nothing peaceful about this, and there's a lot that's negative about it. Yeah. So are you really at a place where peace is your priority and negativity can't exist? Because, yeah, it's like a two. This is Leah. Looking to eventually own a home in Toronto, who wants to go Habsies? Or maybe we can just start with Netflix and get True Crime, Doc. I like that.

It's funny. Yeah. And, you know, they're funny. They like true crime. Yeah, it's a solid eight. They're socially conscious about the housing crisis in North America. And appropriately miffed. It's an eight.

Yeah. This is Anna. Have a nurturing kink so we'll feed you till you explode. Kiss face. Hey, I had that one. No? So this person. I literally just found them.

Did you swipe? Wait, you have it like on your thing? Yeah. That's funny. Well, there this person. I literally just found them. Did you swipe? Wait, you have it like on your thing? Yeah. That's funny. Well, there you go. I got there first. You did get there first. This one's tough for me because it is kind of funny, but I don't know how much of it is serious.

I'm obviously not worried that they're going to explode me. That's not a fear of mine, but I am worried that they're going to explode me that's not a fear of mine but I am worried that they're going to be oh we have dealt with like pseudo explosive kinks before you know remember the the blueberry yeah yeah yeah so hey it's it could be a possibility maybe maybe um I'm just worried that nurturing is a a fun word for overbearing yeah um so i i don't necessarily think it's a red flag i just don't it doesn't do enough for me so i'm gonna give it a five they have such a like kind face that like i don't know like it's so happy in whatever picture is on this like it lends that energy to this and makes me seem like it's it's kind of nice i don't know like it's so happy and in whatever picture is on this like it lends that

energy to this and makes me seem like it's it's kind of nice i don't know i'll give it like a six because again it's like i like food so that's that's an in right there you know i mean it's positive but it's also not that exciting so like it it's it's erring on the side of happy or positivity do you have one more or is that your fourth you want me to finish it off no this is Ellen chill cool fun 5-6 that's it

oh man you know what I was like on board as it started because I thought it was going to be a joke it just comes off so boring and also I'm betting you're none of those things it's it's just like don't say anything just don't say anything yeah because i look i'm gonna look at you and i'm gonna hope that you're those three things but default right yes like i i assume that people are chill fun and cool also those aren't particularly great things because again that's like kind of baseline right

yeah like that's that's kind of what i want from everyone that i interact with so that doesn't set you apart from literally the stranger i have a quick conversation with at the bus stop or whatever right like the people i fun customers at my bar that are that i interact with for 45 minutes before they leave are chill cool and fun yeah and the worst part is the fact that they think this is such a big deal like whoa like i'm actually like chill cool and fun well i don't know if they this is i think it's just like low i think they're just putting like zero amounts of effort yeah it's just like no it's zero it's a zero i'm sorry you actually get less than the other one that sucked and, it's just like, no, it's zero. It's a zero. I'm sorry. You actually get less

than the other one that sucked. I don't think it's a fucking red flag, necessarily. I just like, it's just not a good fucking, like, just do something. I think it is a red flag, actually. Google the 69 best questions to ask a straight guy.

Thank you. The thing is, it's like, why bother if you're not going to in any effort one two like maybe this is their effort that's also a fucking red flag i don't know none of it's good it's like you suck i'm sorry yeah not great you misunderstood the assignment all right finish this off all right this is Nicoletta. Made in Italy emoji, pizza emoji, pasta emoji. Why are you all so ugly? If you got brown eyes, don't even bother texting me. If you do any kind of drugs, stay the fuck away from me. Red flag.

I'm 1.78 centimeters tall. Or... Wait. Won't look at anyone shorter. Hold on. Please read that again. I am 1.78 centimeters tall. Won't look at someone shorter.

Shrug emoji. That would be very hard to find. I assume they mean 1.78 centimeters. Nope. They said they are 1.78 centimeters. They are the world's smallest person. Not into hookup. I don't do one night stands, but I'll do a one year waste my fucking time.

Two smiley faces. I hate dating apps. Never met anyone. Better texting me on Instagram. Here's my Instagram. Yeah, gee, I wonder why people aren't fucking beating down your door, lady. Well, why are they all so ugly? The height thing just makes you fucking laugh.

She's so small. I wish I could message her and just be like, how do you not get stepped on? Are you in that weird Matt Damon movie where they're all really small? Maybe that's where all the fucking rage comes from, right? Yeah. It sucks. It's so hard dating when you're fucking not even two centimeters tall. I tried to kiss a man.

I fell into his pores. I'm like a living episode of magic school bus. What I date this fucking sucks. I just, some guys I just get into and they never even know that's as far as I've gotten in the relationship. Thank you very much for listening friends. It has been a pleasure.

We love doing this. Thank you for joining us. Merry sex, miss. We hope you've had a great holiday season. If you haven't celebrated your particularly seasonal holiday, well, I hope you have a great one

when it does come around. We can't tell you how much we love you. This is the last episode of 2021 for us, unless you're a member of our Patreon. So if you want one more episode, if you think, damn, I could use one more episode of 2021, hop on over to our Patreon.

You can go to fbuddiespodcast.com, click the Patreon link. It'll bring you over to the site. And for $7, you get access to not only our last episode of the year, but also all of the other monthly episodes that we've released. So I think at this point, there'll be five just sitting there waiting for you. What a way to end the year. What a great way to end the year. Just like, damn,

the only thing that will make this year perfect be squeezing one more of the boys. Yeah, that sounds weird. You know what I mean? Just squeezing in another session with the boys. Great. Here comes the part of the episode where now talks about squeezing one more

boy. If you have a question, you would like us to answer it please head on over to fbuddiespodcast.com and click the contact form fill it out and we'll get back to you as soon as possible thank you to josh eagle and the harvard cities for their song paper stars and thank you guys i was gonna ask if you had sex writing but yes no thank you friends i do but i just like thank you guys for being fucking with us all year like we say it probably not enough because i don't think there is a level to which we could say that would be enough but we fucking love you guys and every time we've talked to any of you it's always been just overwhelmingly positive and kind and lovely and we appreciate the fuck out of all of you and i i hope you do know that so thanks it really does mean the world to us when we say that we're not being facetious or flippant we are we do

mean it it's we we do this every week and it's a lot of work and it it wouldn't be worth it if it wasn't for you guys and and we appreciate you guys for for everything you do for us for hanging out with us for listening to us for sharing it with your friends. So thank you very much. And we really do hope 2022 is a year that benefits all of us and we can finally start doing some normal shit again. Hell yeah. All right. Hand me some past ex writing.

Okay. You ready for this? Yep. This is a book called Openly Straight by Bill Konigsberg. Oh boy. How brave. Brave and straight. While everyone was's talking i wandered up to the tofu pig it looked real unless you got really close to it then you could see it was very much not up close you could see how the artist melded the tofu and the places where there are cracks in the pig skin you could see the finger indentations

where he tried to massage the tofu flat it's like when you approach a woman who you think is beautiful you see the caked on blush and mascara and you realize what you are seeing isn't her it's her vanity you're seeing her attempt at beauty and it's the opposite of beauty you're looking at there's nothing i like comparing women to than tofu pigs also the fuck is a tofu pig you know i did I've dated a vegan for six years now. Hey, not much of one, I guess. Never encountered a tofu pig. Well, maybe she's been lying this whole time. Wait, that was the 49th question.

Do you know what a tofu pig is? You never asked her that? I know. Oh, I guess you just stuck to the basic shit. Never turned her on once. Never turned her on. My name is Dane Miller. And I'm 69.

And we've been your fuck buddies. Oh, we have a new thing right here. Yeah, 69 is still bad.