F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 172 - Premarital Scat Play

Episode Date: January 17, 2022

When you're about to propose and life gives you lemonade maybe also ask for some chocolate?  Topics include eating your engagement ring, how to last multiple rounds in bed, using song lyrics to pick up women, post-oral beard clean up, The Game but for women and, as usual, a new batch of dating profiles.

I put my trust in you, and when I'm trusting, I love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and when I'm trusting, I love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller And I'm Miles Bain And we're your fuck buddies We are a dating and sex advice. And we're your fuck buddies.

We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and we turn them into sexy, sticky situations. Simply put, we're a sex and dating advice podcast. And we either get questions off the internet, which we, you know, we hunt through the fronds and the trees and the vines and we find them there. Wild. Just skittering around the internet for you. Or we get them sent in packaged and roasted with rosemary and thyme from our lovely listeners like yourself you're hungry aren't you

i'm always hungry that's fair i've just eaten i usually don't eat this early and i'm so full of pad thai right now that i'm mildly uncomfortable that nice. I just stuffed myself with a candy because I feel a little zonked. I got boosted today, so I'm a boosted boy. I got the brand new version of Bill Gates' stuff downloading in my brain. Perfect. So it's going to be a powerful episode. I was supposed to be boosted already. I was supposed to get boosted on the 6th, but I done got the COVID.

Then you decided to go get sick. Yeah, then I was like, you know what? I'd rather snort some of this Omicron up my nose first. You ate far too much COVID and I told you it was going to ruin your dinner. It sure did. I also went for a very long walk today. Very long walk.

Very exciting. So I'm also a little zonked. I wish I had some candy. Should we do some questions? How about we jump into a little sex news? Okay. Did you hear about Members Only Waffle House? No. It's an X-rated dessert shop that just popped up on Queen West.

Okay. So they make waffles in the shape of dicks. Oh, yes. Yes, I do know about this. That's it. Yeah. That's the thing. If I remember correctly, they have ice cream in them and like they come out the tip.

We can only hope so. I think so. I think there is like an ejaculate simulation. That's fair. Honestly, I just saw the thing and I was like, that's all I got really. But I'm just going to bring this funny. Someone saw this posted around Toronto on some lampposts and it says written in giant black permanent marker. Samantha, stop telling

people you broke up with me i broke up with you first you can't break up with someone once they have already broken up with you first i broke up with you first underline so someone out there needs to listen to this podcast that's all i'm saying yeah samantha yeah i know samantha what are you doing you can't break up it's like saying you've already been broken up yeah she was all definitely like oh this won't work he's like no because i'm yeah you can't fire me because i already quit yeah i'm bringing you first i'm in there well that's we're projecting we don't know maybe samantha is a terrible person maybe she's ruining this poor person's life you know what i've dated samantha it's possible it's possible Maybe it's the same one. Maybe. Maybe I wrote the note.

It's all coming out. Are you ready for a question? Yeah. We're not going to get into the title here. This is by Automatic Boot. Male 30, female 29. We've been dating for about four years and decided to pop the question during dinner last night. I asked the staff at our favorite restaurant to hide the ring in a brownie so she

would find it mid-bite and propose. I see in hindsight now how much of a bad idea this was. It seemed like a good idea since we met Whoever thinks it's a good idea. since we met over a bake sale over brownies.

So she took a few bites, about four, and it looks like she chewed and no ring came out. I asked the manager I gave it to, a personal friend of mine, if he put the ring in the brownie and he confirmed

he put it in right before he brought it to the table. I asked him to look everywhere just to make sure. I mean, accidents happen, but either the ring dropped somehow orie and he confirmed he put it in right before he brought to the table i asked him to look everywhere just to make sure i mean accidents happen but either the ring dropped somehow or she ate it my friend told me a ring is nowhere to be found i asked him to look everywhere and nothing i'm still kind of freaked out i don't know how to tactfully tell her she might have eaten her engagement ring this is how do i tell my girlfriend i think she might have eaten her engagement ring it makes me so mad even like when people are like oh put the ring in the glass of

prosecco why you spent so much money on it don't put the ring in the glass of prosecco why you spent so much money on it don't put it in a fucking glass of prosecco idiot well that's the thing it's like they probably want to put it on right and it's like if they put it on it's gonna be all sticky and that's like you gotta go home and wash your engagement ring also like yeah no no what if they accidentally drink it like what might have just just happened here? That's my thing is like, look, if you want to like, like put it on the top, you know what I mean? Like put a little bit so that they see it. But like, I don't know if you've ever crunched something that shouldn't be in food, but I've definitely I've been to a restaurant once. And there was like, like a fucking like, like a nut from like a nut and bolt, like an actual piece of metal.

Oh, no. Yeah. like a nut from like a nut and bolt like an actual piece of metal oh no yeah in uh and like it fucking hurts to chunk down on that so it's like why would you be like haha got you i've shattered your fucking molar marry me yeah that's the thing it's like even if this worked out and like they found it in their mouth it's like they're gonna be upset and bewildered if not outright hurt or choke or swallow it like these are all bad things and then best case scenario they're like oh i pulled it out of my mouth and it's it's dirty it's got chocolate on it and it's like got full of saliva but wow let me finish swallowing so we celebrate this moment but also the poor restaurant i hate when people are like oh even just like put a candle on this when it

goes out like if you don't do candles or whatever that's a lot of shit to dump on people who are already doing literally a million other things don't fucking put the restaurant on this kind of stress yeah it is not their job to make your proposal go well and like you know this seems like probably they're doing it if the manager is a personal friend of yours maybe that's the the agreement there cool whatever but like but even then is he a friend of yours maybe that's the the agreement there cool whatever but like but even then is he a friend if he went and stole your ring instead of putting it in this brownie because i think we both know that's probably more likely that the ring never made it out than if you accidentally swallow it right like times are tough for us restaurant folk i got

laid off for the fourth time in two years so hey is it preferable to working minus 28 on a patio like i did the other day where i made a whole dollar but times are tough that's an engagement ring that you you could have put in your hot little pockets my pockets have never been hotter this has got to be a trope that started in film and movies and tv and shit like that you know i mean like i highly doubt that this was a thing that people actually did because the risk of it is so high of it going poorly. So stop, stop fucking doing this and stop trying to like make like if you want to have a big grand romantic proposal, making someone fish out the ring out of their mouth while

they're eating dessert is not the way to do it 100 so how does he tell her uh i mean you don't well hey if you were okay with her fishing out the ring from a dense brown object before yeah it's still gonna happen yeah the difference between a brownie and a turd is very minimal. You cannot tell them because you're going to ruin the surprise and then it's insult to injury to a hospital trip. What you got to do

is, oops, our toilet's broken. I got this litter tray for the week. And then you just switch these out of the room. You got to go through it. Go quest. I also know that anytime my toilet is broken, the next alternative is pooping in my cat's litter box.

Oh no, don't be a fucking disgusting. You're a human one, dude. So here, I feel like you do have to tell her because depending on the cut of this ring, it could do some fucking pretty solid damage to your intestinal tract and your digestive

system I imagine now what if you get a metal detector and when they're not looking across the stomach did it beep yeah if it beeped then maybe yeah then you go tell her hopefully they don't have a belly button ring because then you'll have to get her to

remove that somehow then you like accidentally rip it off during sex like sneeze and oh oops and then beep when they're like screaming in pain beep beep remember at the beginning of the episode where we said we're a dating and sex advice podcast i feel like we've not so far well i'm doing the joke stuff first before we get to the real stuff. Because my brain feels foggy. You got to ask her. You got to mention it to her. I don't know.

You know what I think you got to do? You get down on your knee and you propose. And then she's going to be happy. She might be like, where's the ring? And then you say, here's the funny thing. You might have eaten it. And then you tell them. Because then you get your engagement out of the way.

The engagement part is fun. This is going to be a funny story later. And then I guess they just have to think about what they felt when they swallowed and maybe check their shit. I don't know. But like, otherwise, it's possible it never made it to the brownie or went to the wrong brownie, in which case it's in someone's hot little pocket or someone else. Did any other table jump up and start going, oh, my God, oh, my God, while you were there? Because if that's the case. Yeah, that's someone else. You seem to really jump up and start going, oh, my God, oh, my God, while you were there? Because if that's the case. Yeah, the table besides you seemed to really enjoy that brownie. Yeah, there was crying.

There was screaming. The guy looked very scared. Also, you couldn't find like a fancier dessert than a brownie for your engagement. You don't know these brownies. Maybe they were in the shape of a dick with ice cream inside. Also, not a great option for an engagement. But I think honestly, I think you have to propose because like if you just say oh you might have eaten your engagement ring it's like they're never gonna get that proposal so it's like get down on one knee

propose hopefully you solve the box and don't tell them that they might have eaten it until after they're very excited and happy and they've hugged you and like you pop open the box and then you're like by the way because then they still get the proposal the surprise and the happiness because if you just say hey you might be eating your engagement ring you've ruined that they're never gonna get it yeah and then you have to that's my then you have to break the bad news of well here's the thing yeah you're gonna have to shit in this colander for a week look i love you very much and i want to spend the rest of our lives together and we're gonna start that by me thoroughly examining your poop for the next couple of days. In times like this, it's called stool.

Why? Because it's more medical, more medically appropriate. These people are breaking down the barriers and spending their lives together. It's not a medical procedure. This is an intimate moment. and if you can't say poop in the most intimate of moments, then you shouldn't get married. Let me finger your shit. Also, spend the rest of my life

with me. Becky? Yeah. Thank you. Hey, maybe this opens a new door for you to explore together. Maybe you guys are both into scat play. Now, what we need to do is put this situation in the back pocket for next time someone's like, hey, I think I might be into ship. I don't know how to, you know, broach the subject.

And we're like, well, do we have the one for you? Get them a brownie. Yeah. Pretend there was an engagement ring in it. Then you get to go. You get to delve through their bowel leavings all week. Maybe like introduce us as a sex thing. Be like, look, I really want you to poop on me.

Oh, there we go. One to two days. Let's try it, I really want you to poop on me. For one to two days. Let's try it out. If you have to poop. Yeah. Look, we're in lockdown right now. We're working from home. The second you have to poop for the next two days, I want you to do it in my hand. And I'm going to hold these magnets for unrelated reasons.

We should. I feel like we're getting a little too poop centric. Perhaps we should move on to a new question now the thing is i did we not already announce that this is the only question we're doing this week oh this is our our poop yeah 172 if you don't know if you like count the letters in the alphabet and add them up to 172 it does spell poop episode it does yeah and also if you know much about like kind of the like celestial bodies and like the numbers and the the meanings that they represent at mercury right now is in

poop episode brigade um so it would be weird if you didn't do it hit me okay this is this is reddit user kiss cover how do you go from multiple rounds kissmer see you see you mmer yes it is exactly as you think it is this is a sex podcast now you can't get distracted every time i say the word cummer maybe maybe they were like getting nearer i don't know dude i'm all about fucking specificity and accuracy that's how our listeners know me how do you go for multiple rounds? When they email, they email me and they say, hey, Mr. Accurate, we have a question for you. How to go for multiple rounds. I've heard people go for five or four, five, eight to ten times in a day. I don't know how you people manage.

I can't go for more than one round at a time. I get hard again after a couple of minutes, but not in the mood again. It's like my horny switch flipped off for a couple hours. Any advice for going multiple rounds? Well, definitely don't go too soon. One. Two, I think it has to be like, I don't know. Because with new partners, you're obviously a little bit more excited. So I think it's easier. But with longer term partners, they know exactly what to do to get you going. We need to examine. There's not a whole lot of information here, but we need to figure out why you want to go multiple rounds.

Is it are you trying to like match the sort of expectations that society and or, you know, media has set for men that like a good male sexual partner can like go forever? Or is it just some arbitrary value? Because like if you have sex and are then satisfied and don't feel like you want to keep having sex, you shouldn't keep having sex. Well, that's right. Like 100% it, right? It's like, oh, I want like, you know, I'm not horny. How do I feel horny? It's like if you're not horny, you're not horny. If you're done, if you don't want to have sex, which it doesn't sound like

you do, then it's going to be kind of awful to do it. Even if you can get like a physical reaction, it's like, if you're not into it, that physical reaction isn't going to last very long and you're not going to enjoy it. And then like, it's, it's just like a self-defeating prophecy then. So like, I think this would be a different question if they were like, oh, I'm super horny, but my junk doesn't cooperate. I'm like, I can't get hard. Or it takes me forever to come. Or like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But it does sound exactly like what you're saying, where for arbitrary reasons, this person just wants to be able to have said like, I went four rounds, you know?

So I think you got to start and examine why you want this because it doesn't sound like you do and if you don't it's never gonna happen yeah like there's nothing i mean thankfully i'm i'm pretty easy to convince to get into the mood even i'm like not particularly like horny at the moment it's usually very very easy to tip the scales in the in the horny favor for me so like that's great but i absolutely know what you mean where it's like very, very easy to tip the scales in the, in the horny favor for me. So like, that's great. But I absolutely know what you mean, where it's like, after you've had sex, I've had people be like, let's go. And it's like, I know, like, I, like, I'm good.

I I'm happy to, if you know, there's something that I can do for you to help push you into that territory of being like, ah, no more is needed then for by all means. Absolutely. help push you into that territory of being like, ah, no more is needed. Then for by all means, absolutely. But if it involves me forcing myself and struggling to get hard again, to have sex again, like no, but if you need me to go down on you or finger you or something else, absolutely. I have no problem with that. But trying to either force someone to have sex with you again, when they don't want to, or trying to force yourself to have sex again because you think you have to is not the the recipe for a healthy sexual relationship well it's like my refractory period is usually pretty low anyway but like that's just me you know what

i mean that's everyone is different and like i could have you know i could be one a day and done i could be 10 a day which by the way i have done once and it sucked you know right my dick hurt so much for days like a deep muscle ache and the thing is it's like the first few were great but like towards the end we were literally just hammering them out because we both kind of decided we wanted to hit that arbitrary number no like that's the thing that's where you're gonna end up and it's not fun so chill you don't need it i find that like two is my it's rare that i go twice i'm usually a i usually enjoy having just like a good solid one and then like you know maybe like a i've time to you know each drink or like have a good chat and then should the the conversation flow into sexy territory go for a guy but i feel like for me to that i actually enjoy it stops being

enjoyable for me after two usually because at that point it's like number three the likelihood of me finishing very very slim very very slim and at that point i feel like that's when the you know, the dick pain comes in the way that you were describing sort of that, like that deep interior sort of ache comes in. It's like, that's like that. The word ache shouldn't be something that,

that is in my genitals. You know what I mean? Pain has a place in the bedroom when it's consensual and everyone's unborn and sun safely aches uh-uh nope unless it's like an achingly slow blow job or something you know what i mean but there isn't but that's not an actual ache that's a metaphysical thing exactly uh yeah like i and again like you you're saying two is you know enough for you i could definitely do four easy. But again, this is just people being different.

So it doesn't matter what I say. It doesn't matter what Dane says. Can you actually finish like three and four? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And like, again, if we're like, are we talking about a day or are we talking like an hour? You know what I mean? I'm talking about like one sit down session.

Like you don't leave the bed and you're just going like if i'm talking about like for me one sit down session like you don't leave the bed and you're just going like if we're talking about from like you know dust till dawn i think four is a yeah i could probably do four but i'm talking about like you know you have a glass of water and get right back in it okay yeah if it's like you're not exactly departing you know because like the tan was over a full day you know what i mean and it's like we went and got fucking steak and oysters at one point and like came back. And I think if we hadn't done that, like, God, it would just probably get boring at some point. And like, then it's like, what counts as a break, you know what I mean? Is an hour or two, is a nap, is water and food, like blah, blah, blah. So these are all hard to quantify. But like, if it's just the one session,

yeah, I think two is about like, it's, it's the nice, it's a midpoint between doable and like, like regularly doable. Like maybe you could hammer out three the odd time or whatever. Maybe it's only one, but like two is probably about median. Anyway, all this goes to say, if you're not into it, you're not into it. And you need to examine or tell us why it is that you want to be able to go multiple rounds. As Dane said, if your partner wants more

great you can give it to them you don't need to fuck them you can go down on them you can finger them you can if they're good to go another time and yeah bring toys right like there are so many things you can do that like don't need your dick so if that's not an option for you don't torture yourself by trying to convince your sleeping serpent to rise just fucking pleasure them and they're not going to care that you didn't use your dick in fact they'll probably prefer that you didn't so yeah and like these are things that you need to address with your partner to like early on to sort of suss out compatibility and then you know the compromises and concessions you need to make in your sexual relationship.

As now said, like if if they're the kind of person that wants to go multiple times and you aren't, maybe this relationship won't work in terms of the sexual compatibility. But there are tons of ways to make it work. Like we've said, oral fingering toys. So like if once you guys are done and they need a little something more, that's the time that you like talk about that and be like, cool. I don't have it in me to go another round. It's, it's not going to happen. I'm sorry. As much as I'd love to, uh, you know, my body just won't cooperate and I'm kind of at its mercy. What other options can we pursue to, to get you where you need to go? Because I would 100% like to make sure you where you need to go because i would 100%

like to make sure you're just as satisfied as i am and then you have that conversation and if you guys don't work compatibility wise you don't sucks time to move on but if you guys are are going to work together then it's like great maybe go to a sex shop and pick out a toy that would be fun for both of you to use and like on top of that it's like if you are determined to try to give this a shot you are going to need your partner to be on board and like understand where you're coming from so that if you get soft they're not gonna be upset if you don't finish they're not gonna be upset etc but on top of that it's like foreplay take your time get them to like really get you going right because like i'm sure there are times where

like someone's been doing x y or z and you're like we can skip that part because like if we're gonna fuck i need to have some stamina this is the time you get to enjoy like you have a big long blow job before you get going like enjoy that part that maybe you don't get to enjoy as much before or maybe you do and then just do more of it work with that get them to really nail down the things that you really like. You know, don't forget to focus on them. Try something new. You can do it.

So take your time. Good luck. And don't just have sex arbitrarily because you think that is what is required of you. Talk about with your partner, have the conversation with yourself, figure out why you want to do this and then make healthy and fair decisions

based on those conversations. This is by Fake Safe Word, which seems weird. I don't like that. I've been ripping off song lyrics to get numbers in case anyone was wondering about things they can do to keep conversations going. I started ripping off remotely cryptic song lyrics to songs I like and claiming their poems and saying them straight face to women. Make sure you maintain eye contact when you do it and it works well. Yes, I am randomly looking at someone and begin reciting. I'm not asking if they want to hear a

poem or warning because that might come off corny or weird. Just make eye contact and start reciting. One girl knew a song it was from, called me out on it, but ended up laughing her asses off about how ridiculous it was. I attempted that. I i got her number anyways so this is some advice posted on seduction and i want one your songs of choice because obviously this is how we did it too and two your thoughts on this very standard approach if you're horny let's do it ride it my pony ride what oh you have a horse my pony i just said are you not listening to my art i'm sorry i was blindsided because i'm actually talking to my mom outside of a shop here uh mom shut the fuck up there's a poet talking to me um i sorry yeah pony wow. How old? She makes you order the French champagne. The pony?

I don't remember the next line of that. Yeah, it's fair. Apparently his go-to was, there used to be a graying tower alone on the sea. You became the light side. Fucking seal? Kiss from a rose? I don't believe this at all, sir. Also, who doesn't know that? Come you gotta eat booty like groceries so i just say you've got your ball you've got your chain tied to me tight tie me up again is this dave matthews yeah how did i know that how did you know uh i'm just gonna go

ahead and say that this probably won't work for you friends i think if this works for this guy good for him i think it like as long as i think the reaction of like someone calling him out and then laughing well the funny thing is i think that's actually very like positive yes i think like if this is your your stupid gambit that you're willing to like bust out it's harmless you know what i mean like it's you're not assaulting them he's not telling you to fucking like i assume he means that like if you're talking to someone and you've already engaged in a conversation and you bust this out like it's a it's something to catch people off guard i don't hate it in terms of things that

seduction has offered us it's not not, it's not the worst. He's not being like, Oh, you know, walk up to strangers and just start reset. He's, it doesn't seem like that's his advice. He, I think it sounds more than like,

you know, in mid conversation with someone that you're already talking to drop some shitty, like some, some seal lyrics on them. I, and you know what, if it works for you,

it works for you. I think it is very much something you have to commit to and i feel like trying to replicate it likely not going to find any results unless you find like a song that just like is very funny and everyone knows like if you i don't know i think it would actually be better if you like if if they ask you what you do and you're like, Oh, actually I'm a poet. And then you recite like bought by Hanson or, or something that is very obviously like all the small things by blink 182, something that everyone knows that is actively not good poetry. Then like,

yeah, I think if it's clear, you're like doing you're like, if you both know that you're just reciting song lyrics, it could be very funny. Like worst case, they're like, this guy's weird. But like, if you're chill about it, and you laugh, and it's like, you know what you're doing, they know what you're doing. It could be a funny icebreaker. You just then also need to be like, chill enough to laugh along and, you know, or like yeah that was really weird ha ha bye i yeah i think like there's nothing wrong with being afraid to be a little strange or weird or like have a joke or be funny these are all good things um it's weird that this is one of the more positive seduction things yeah it's like i think like something like you know a sir mix-a-lot or sir mix-a-lot drop of being like i like big butts and i cannot lie

you know i mean like opening with that it's like especially if if the lady you're talking to has now the thing is that's a little bit more aggressively sexual and i do also think this person was talking about like cold approaching like that so maybe not something like maybe not no you know i feel like you're being a little bit of a core first yes yeah that's fair yeah so yeah that was just a little little segue into the world of seduction i'd like to keep you updated i spent almost what 48 hours on that reddit last year for you guys i think i've become a worse person because of it and i just want you all to know long this comes from which is weird this this question should have had the previous username, in my opinion.

Kiss cum. The question is, going down with a beard? I, 23-year-old male, have a beard. And anytime I go down on my partner and she finishes, I come up with spit and her cum all stuck in my mustache and chin area. I usually go just wash it off and then we'll get back to it. It's not her wanting me to wash it off. It's just because I feel a little messy. I can tell

it's kind of it kind of kills the mood i know sex is supposed to be messy but it's hard for me not to go wash my face does anyone else have a beard with this problem and is there any way to get rid of this mental block and then in brackets they do clarify i will not be shaving because i like my beard damn that was my only advice no which is hey let me tell you i feel you brother i would not if someone was like i just shaved your beard i'd be like no no no not that's that like that's a solution sure but like that's not why you come to us you come to us for like the finesse not the brute force you know yeah i just what's your solution my mouth with the back of my hand and i'm good just give it a good old cartoon like kiss

just like a just back of the hand start at the elbow work away just right now yeah like now i don't have as majestic of a beard as you you know i do have the facial hair but like yeah unless i was yours you have specifically all of the area cover that would get messy true i don't think i have the same like mouth region absorbability that you i would imagine do no no definitely not like so yeah honestly like if my partner was like you know and some people are on various levels of the like comfortability with like that so it's like i would match my approach to kind of their preferences but like it doesn't bother me so i usually just give them a little wipe of the wipe the back of the hand just keep going

i have a couple moves that i do one are you let me guess you're a towel lying in weight kind of guy no absolutely not okay the you're a lavender face cloth yeah i have a warm towel just sitting a warm moist towel that i have ready to just dip dip dip dip dip no i mean the first thing like if i've done my job my partner usually requires a little bit of time to to recover after my performance so i will use that time to sort of like kiss the inner thigh or make my way up the body slowly and what i'm really doing there your snail trailing is just wiping my juices back upon them yeah you need to leave a little slug trail from clit to lips it's a little gift for them and a little cleanup for me is the way i liked it because i'm giving them nice sensual kisses and also wiping their juices back upon

themselves to be reabsorbed yeah um the other option you can do is once again like if if they need a second to to catch their breath and and, and, you know, recover or whatever, uh, you're probably on a bed. Most likely just grab one of the sheets. Give yourself a quick, quick, quick wipe down. Whoa. Um, I also don't think, I think there's something sexy to be said about the, the face wipe as well. I think there's something kind of hot of being like, I did my job much like I've just eaten a delicious meal. I'll wipe my face.

Yeah, 100%. It's like, you know, when those wings are just so good that it's everywhere and you're done and you're just like, that's like you're there seeing that you did a good job after they just felt that you did a good job. And it's, you know, but it sounds like this is a you problem. Question asker. Not aer not a not a yes so it's like are well maybe you need to talk to your partner and see what they're comfortable with because one to make sure whether like if they think you leaving is kind of like taking out of your like sexual momentum as it seems like you're worried because if they're not and you're cool with this then fuck it no harm no foul if they are then you can bring up like though oh well i'm worried that it's messy and whether or not you care about it and if they don't then it is 100 of you thing and then you can be left with the do i care or not question if you

care maybe leave a towel lying in wait you know know what I mean? If something like that would make you feel better, it's a good compromise. You don't have to get up, but you don't just ignore it, right? And if you are okay with it, now that you know that they're okay with it, get a little messy. Just get a little messy. I would imagine that he probably doesn't care too much about the mess, because I feel like anyone that adverse to it wouldn't be getting that messy in the first place. You'd get the weird hover oral sex where someone's afraid to really get down into the juicy bits.

So I imagine that he's probably okay with the mess. It's probably more after the fact of being like, I'm now covered in your juices and we're now going to be making out. So I think it probably is him considering his partner which is a great thing to do but as now said always have the conversation just being

like hey when i'm when i come out i'm very very messy and do you care about that yes no as you said and i think i think the the best compromise here is like you said, have a towel just on standby so that you can clean up and get right into it. That way it's like you're getting clean, you're not leaving the room and having a quick face wash, and you get right into it. Problem solved. Yeah, and let them know

why you're asking. Just be like, I'm worried that I'm kind of taken away from the momentum when I leave. Just have the discussion. Say why you do it. Say why you're worried. See where they're at. If from the momentum when I leave. Like just have the discussion. Say why you do it. Say why you're worried. See where they're at. If they're like, oh yeah, it doesn't bother me.

Just like, you know, back of the hand. Boom. Then, you know, again, if you're, if you are uncomfortable with it, maybe it's just like the towel, like then it's a you thing. So it's like, will a towel be enough for you? And just work from there because we can't really determine your comfort level from this and from your own brain. But I feel like we've given you enough options to work around have a nice warm lemon finger bowl

the way that like you know barbecue restaurants have so that you can sort of like a fancy wing place yeah then you can be lemony fresh does anyone do that anymore do places still do that uh not with covid are you joking make a covid soup out of your fingies uh i honestly i don't know i haven't been to a place this in a while good old lemon bowl good old lemon this is by bam eat the game for girls how do i get the guy most people are familiar with neil strauss's the game but does a similar version for women exist like how do i get the guy in my opinion one of the most fundamental ways men But does a similar version for women exist? Like, how do I get the guy? In my opinion, one of the most fundamental ways men and women differ is that for women,

winning the game is marriage, whereas for men, winning the game is having as many sex partners as possible. I know it's a rough generalization, but let's play. How do women get THE guy, the one and only? How do I, female, late 20s, win my crush's affection, male, early 20s? I think we're perfect for each other. He's mature for his age, but still a college student. By his own words, he wants a girlfriend, but is not yet ready for kids. We've been on a few dates. We've had amazing sex. The kid talk. And he seems very trusting and trustworthy. But it's a few days later and no word. Is he playing me? Not interested? Dating another girl? I'm looking for either a set of rules for women to getting the dream guy

or solid advice from you guys how to stand out and become more than just a sexual acquaintance. Thank you, heart. I like that question exhausted me. Yep. Because look, there's no rules. If there were rules, everyone would be doing it. Everyone would be exactly with who they want to be with and like sorry but that's not how it works yeah life would be so fucking boring if there were rules

and like even if they existed they would not exist for long because if everyone was doing it which they would be they wouldn't work anymore because they'd be so fucking boring like that's how the world works like there is no world where the rules have existed or would exist and they don't so i think one very important thing people can do is get that out of their fucking mind there's no trick there is no like secret for things you didn't realize you were doing because if there were people would sell it to you and you'd be good for life and it would just get around and it would just be a thing. People scam lonely, sad people out of money by pretending there are rules and there aren't. Hey, you know what?

So, yes, I agree with you 100%. There are no rules. But, I mean, if we want to think about it, there are. Don't be a garbage person. Be honest. Yes. Like, if you were looking for rules, they're kind of like like just look at what it means to be a decent human being and that those are the rules to hopefully attract the partner that you want

now these are rules to not to not lose your partner at least not be automatically disqualified this person wants a surefire way like a checklist to just go tick tick tick oh shit we're married um that was my other thing i was like is she saying that her end game is marriage because she makes some pretty broad generalizations there as well being like men winning the game is all sex women winning the game is but she didn't really say what her win scenario is i'm assuming the fact that she generalized women as having that means that she buys into that idea. I don't know.

Yeah. Hit me. What do you, what's your recommendation for this? This last, like you need, like, like it's,

it's, it's all the shit that we say all the time. One, talk to this person, be like, Hey, I really like you. And I would like to pursue a more serious relationship with you.

That's how you do it. That's how you get into relationships like a normal human being. There's no mind game. There's no do this, do that, don't do this, don't do that situation that will reel them in. Are there things that you could do to increase your attractiveness? Probably. Are there little tricks that maybe you could pull off? But again, it's so circumstantial, as we saw with Mr. Song poem lyric guy, that might do great for him. But I would imagine

99% of the people who might try to copy that wouldn't find any success with it because it doesn't mean anything to them. So trying to find what works for one person is like trying to find like having someone who wrote a number one song be like oh yeah so i just sat down and i thought about my breakup and then you being like cool i can write a number one song because i just have to sit down and think about my breakup yeah it's like no there's so many other variables at play and it's not a it's not an equivalency from person to person it is not the same thing for anyone. So trying to find these set of rules that are going to make your life easier and get you the partner exactly who you want, it's not going to work.

And trying to try and operate that way is only going to make your life more difficult than if you just be honest with yourself, be honest with your partner and just operate under those guidelines. You know what I mean? Operate with a set of moral parameters that you believe in and move forward with that. And like, that's really the advice that I can give to anyone, not just this person, just everyone ever, regardless of whether you're trying to date someone or not, the way that you will find success and feel good about yourself at the end of

the day is maintain what you believe in and do your best to operate under those parameters. Honestly, forever. Okay. Like, so here's my rules. Rule one,

there are no rules, right? Like there isn't going to be a list of rules that'll just get you there. Like that's insane. You need to forget that. Rule two, don't talk about rules. Don't talk about rules. It's been a few days.

No word. Is he playing me? Not interested. Dating another girl. One. Whoa, calm down. Two. How the fuck could we know?

All you've told us is that few days. No word. And that applies to you. If that's all you know, why would your mind jump there? Three. If they haven't reached out to you if that's all you know why would your mind jump there three if they haven't reached out to you reach out to them it very much feels like you're in a ball in his court kind of situation where like oh i really like this guy but like fuck i'm just sitting here waiting for him to

message me fucking message him if it doesn't work out great whatever but like it's not gonna you're not gonna even get to that point if you don't have any kind of like impetus. Also, you want to stand out. People like people who are confident guys like women who aren't afraid to reach out, who don't play these stupid, like I can't message him. I'm a girl fucking games, right? So don't fall into that trap. Dane raised a very good point. If you want to date someone, ask them, but it might be a bit early because you said you've been on a few dates and the fact that you were talking about marriage as well this is my point don't move too fast you don't know this person that well yet you're saying he's your dream crush you're saying you're talking about kids and

marriage and like how do i get him and it's like again kind of dial that back a little it's great that you like this person but you did just meet them and it's like marriage should be because you've met someone who's phenomenal. And like, you really want to spend the rest of your life with them. Not just like, oh, he ticks these boxes. I got to get there as fast as I can. Then you just want marriage. You don't want this person.

Learn to get to know this person and appreciate them for who they are. Don't move too quickly. Be honest. Don't play fucking games and calm down a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. I think get to know the person is an excellent rule to have it's a pretty good one right i came up with that myself that's really good i'm really proud of you thank you that's like hey you guys are an exclusive so

if he is dating another girl that's also okay unless they're exclusive You made a very good point of being like, I, I find it so much more attractive and it really like cranks up my interest in a woman when they ask me to do something. And, and it's not saying that like, I don't, you know, I, I will,

if there's something that I want to do and I want to do it with a person, I will ask them or I will invite people out on dates and yada, yada. But it's also nice when a woman is like hey i'm doing this do you want to come with me or hey do you want to go do it just i was like waiting for where this goes because it sounded like the way you phrased it was like i love when people they just ask me to do shit it's like hey do my laundry hey dude i was like no no no no i like i like when women aren't afraid to yeah

aren't afraid to make a move and be like you know let's go see me like a band that i like is playing next week do you want to go see them with me like that's incredible that's what that makes me feel like the effort is being put in it makes me feel like you're not just waiting around like if i ask you to do something you're happy to do it but like you're not really going to put in the effort is being put in, it makes me feel like you're not just waiting around. Like if I ask you to do something, you're happy to do it, but like, you're not really going to put in the effort to, to ask me to do something. So my interest in a woman spark,

like jumps even like, regardless of how interested I am in you in general or, or before you do that. But let me tell you, there's nothing more attractive than a woman. Who's not afraid to, to ask me out on a date. Especially if like we've been seeing each other for a while.

That shouldn't be groundbreaking. You want people to put in what you're putting in. You know what I mean? Like it should be a two way street relationship. It's like, if you're inviting people out, they should invite you out. Like if you're kind to someone,

they should be kind to you. If you get someone presents, they should get you, you know what I mean? It's, it should be like this, but too many people are willing to like kind of passively sit there. Like if you're kind to someone, they should be kind to you. If you get someone's presence, they should get you. You know what I mean? It should be like this. But too many people are willing to like kind of passively sit there.

Like for our fucking second date, for the second date with my partner, she was like, hey, I'm going to do flying trapeze. You should come. I was like, fuck yeah. It's incredible. One of the coolest dates I've ever been on. It was so much fun. And we're still together. It's been like a long time.

So there you go. Do that. Don't be passive. Be an active partner in the relationship that you're forming. That's like, if they're not interested, you don't want to fucking marry this person. If they're not interested in you, there's no fakery. There's no weird thing you could do to stand out. You stand up with being you because then they want you. We've gotten so off track because this question is such a non-question.

You know what I mean? Like being like, how do I get the person? It's like, do you have 80 hours to listen to us ramble about every facet of relationships? Because it's not an easy answer. There is no answer to that question. There just isn't. There's a million answers. Yeah.

It's the same thing as being like, how do I talk to women? Are you kidding me man like other than me saying you walk over and you use your words to express the thoughts that are in your head so that they can hear it and process it with their brain like that's how you talk to a woman really but like like there's so it's i will say my last piece of advice is step away from this stupid binary you seem to have of women want marriage, men want sex partners. No, like that is so reductive and wrong that like, you're just going to live life with just the wrong expectations about everybody. Things aren't that simple. So stop. There are, there are lots of women who want to have a lot of sex. There are lots of men who

want to get married. So you're already wrong. you're just they're also not mutually exclusive that's what i'm saying yeah like it's just absolutely insane to be like this is this and this like no so there we go we're done and that brings us to the end of the show in which we uh open up our tinder apps and peruse online dating platforms to see uh what profiles are making the cut which ones aren't we look for red flags in an effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable all right this is anna thank you father douglas for the 600th lockdown hit me up if you have an idea for a date that isn't walking around the block 16 times i really don't like hearing doug ford referred to as Father Douglas.

I love hearing it in a way because it is awful. It is. It is very funny, though. I mean, yeah, dating right now is difficult. Now, I will say I appreciate that they want to shake it up, but there's a hint of bitterness in there, too, that I don't love. I don't know if it's bitterness. I feel like it's more frustration at the situation. Because if you're single and trying to date right now, what else is there to do? And I feel like the idea of being like, please, I need something other than a walk.

Because we've gone on so many fucking walks. That's fair. But I also want I don't know... I want them to suggest some. Anyway, I'm giving it a six. Yeah, I'll give it a six as well. Okay. Now, I only have one this week.

I slacked a little bit this week. I got a bunch. It's okay. Our Agent Valiant Heart is just a champ. Yeah. This is Annie. I've always operated under the assumption that there's plenty more fish in the sea, but I recently

watched Seaspiracy, so here I am. That's pretty good. That's very good. I like that. I think it shows a lot in there. It shows that, like, oh, you watch documentaries, you're socially conscious, you're able to make a joke that isn't hopefully repeated

like i haven't seen that one before yeah it's both like very culturally relevant but also not overdone you know if she had something about like explaining game of thrones in there that's super trite and boring look it is now that was my profile fucking split eight years ago. Sorry, years ago. I'm joking. I'll give it an eight. Hey, Niall. That was eight years ago. That's wild, man. That's fucked.

We got old real quick. How did that happen? Hey, we're becoming more irrelevant by the day. I'm giving it an eight. I also give it an eight. Very good, Annie. This is JS. Here looking for like-mindedness and not pen pals.

Only interested in non-smokers, non-vaxxed, and emotionally available gents. Plant medicine, quantum physics, the universe, and everything about it. Bacchetta, salsa, and the running man. Dance emoji. So, super into complex science. Don't want the vaccine, though. I like complex science, but I also hate facts. Yeah.

It's a zero. I have no time for the unvaccinated right now. 100%. It's like I don't really want to spend a life explaining why just basic science and facts should be accepted. This is Caroline. Born in Ile-Blessard, Montreal. Since then, I've outlived some interesting love stories. First, my Titanic affair.

We ended more or less like Jaws. Following that lovely experience was The Notebook, which I thought was romantic, if not for IT. Our 20th anniversary was in a year, but Titanic rose again from the sea. Still, I have to say my favorite was Cinderella. It evolved into a Black Widow bride bride situation i've moved on obviously but i still can't eat popcorn i'm leaning towards the saw series now what the fuck are you talking about i have no idea at first i

was like okay there's gonna be a joke using all these movie titles you're using, but then there wasn't. And I, are you talking about just liking movies and going back and forth to what your favorite movie is? Why are you saying it like this? Or are they calling their, like, are they naming their previous lovers as movies?

In which case their life sounds like a mess. I don't know. I literally, I know I, I'm giving this a zero because it's so upsetting yeah it's not actually no sorry i'm giving it a one because it's not it's not zero quality it's not like socially repugnant but it is confusing and upsetting yeah yeah i i wish to fuck i knew what they were talking about but i have not a fucking clue. Yeah, me neither. I was really, I was like, did I miss something?

Did I fucking black out and miss how this got going? Because I don't get it. Yeah, it hurts my brain to read. This is Anna. I do not want to hook up. Looking for a plug. And then all capitals. Don't know how to use this app.

I'm a boomer. Then lowercase. What the fuck is a super like? It's like, one, you're not a boomer. You're 27. Two, super likes are pretty simple to figure out yeah three no this is it's bland at best giving it the whole app is very easy to figure out yeah yes and no you did it yeah um yeah i'm gonna give this a i'm gonna give it a two we are on the same page today. This is Yvonne. I have no faith in this anymore. Dating, the world, Don Cherry ever coming back, the basics, dislikes, slow sidewalk walkers, and participation ribbons.

Let's meet or I'll unmatch. Unjabbed, happily. Goal is land and chickens, 420 friendly. Land and chickens? Mm-hmm. I guess to own a farm? I guess. friendly land and chickens i guess like on a farm i guess i mean the second they were upset that don cherry's not coming back is enough for me to be like nope no thanks that's exactly what the

person who sent this in said yeah just now this is getting zero oh yeah maybe even the minus one more this is anna again a different anna so many anna's time is merciless it will make people look at their own truth in the mirror made by themselves again the whole philosophical the waxing philosophical on your dating profile without a punchline really bothers me because it doesn't say anything other than like you might be might be a bit much it's like i know when brianna was on the podcast we talked about some of the profiles we enjoyed that were funny are also they give you very little to kind of go on by the person themselves but it's like humor is a very big part of i think dating and i think you do learn a lot about someone by like how funny they are and obviously there's you're

missing a lot more but with something like this maybe it's just me but it's like you don't really get anything from these vague philosophical posts other than like man i if i know you're funny we can have a laugh that's something we can build up for me with this it's like i don't fucking know yeah i agree it's one of those things where i'm just like this could be something that really means something to you because of other reasons. Like this, there could be a very large story and very moving story as to why this quote speaks to you. But as a stranger spending 10 seconds on your profile, it seems very low effort because you've just copy and pasted someone else's words that really have no indication as to who you are as a person without, I would hope a fairly in-depth backstory

as to why you chose this quote yeah and it's like if you have something like that that might be really interesting and that sounds like something you can drop on a date but in this format it's kind of just a nothing so yeah yeah you have to assume that like people are going to spend 10 seconds or less on your profile and immediately forget it once they've said yes or no to you so like you need to make a quick impact and then you know let your personality shine in the messages if you guys match to sort of like dump your personality in the form of someone else's words and hope that it means something to someone else i don't know how much success you're gonna have so yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna give this a two yeah all right and

that's it for us that's the show but don't wait no there's still more stuff okay listen open your ears i'm not talking to you audience talking to dane you can stick around too uh thank you josh eagle and the harvard cities for their song paper stars first foremost thank you to everybody who's a patron thank you for supporting us. That's incredible. We love you guys so much. We say it all the time and we won't stop saying it. Thank you to everybody who checked out No Quest for the Wicked, our other podcast, which I believe

we feed dropped last week. We got a whole bunch of you jumping onto that and I hope you enjoyed it. And if you did, we would fucking love to hear what you thought. Hey, even if you didn't enjoy it, we would love to hear what you thought because we always strive to make things better no matter what. So thank you and feel free to reach what you thought. Hey, even if you didn't enjoy it, we would love to hear what you thought because we always strive to make things better no matter what.

So thank you and feel free to reach out, please. It did really well. We were in the top, I think, 13 in the Canadian charts on our first week, which was fucking insane. So I'm pretty sure

we have some of you guys to thank for that. So thank you very much. Again, we just cannot say it enough. Got anything to say, Dane? Yeah, if you have a question you'd like to send it in please head on over to fbuddiespodcast.com uh you can hit the contact form fill it out you could choose your agent name or we will assign one for you we keep

it completely anonymous and we will answer it as soon as possible um also if you're interested in becoming a patron and supporting the show as now i'll mention head on over to fbuddiespodcast.com as well and click the patreon link it'll take you to the the site and it'll give you all the options for seven dollars a month which is sort of the medium middle tier you get a extra bonus episode every month called pillow talk where we get a little loosey-goosey we have a little bit of fun uh we keep things a lot more casual there we still answer questions now and then but we kind kind of do whatever we want and interact a little bit more intimately on that show. Also, as Niall mentioned,

we have a new show called No Quest for the Wicked. It's an actual play Starfinder show, which means that we are playing a game called Starfinder, very similar to D&D, but in space. It's kind of like improv and storytelling, where a lot of our decisions are dictated by the roll of a dice

if you're interested in that head on over to noquestcast.com and there are all the links for all the listening platforms as well as a link to our discord in which you can hop on over and discuss the show with other people who are listening it's a lot of fun, Dane put in an incredible

amount of work and it fucking shows and he dropped some crazy stuff on us that we aren't expecting and it gets wild pretty quick so I love listening to it and I'm in it so and I hate hearing my voice so you should definitely hopefully like it

and yeah ready for some bad sex writing this is it's kind of a funny story by Ned Vizzini no Craig I want a big dumb dumb, fake answer. Noelle rolls her eyes. I think her breasts roll in sync with them. Girls' breasts are so amazing. Yeah.

Man, it's really, really, because women are always like, hey, look at my eyes. My eyes are up here. But when the boobs are doing the exact same thing as the eyes. Exactly. Thank you. What am I supposed to look at, women? And no one's talking about it. Do you know how distracting it is where they, like,

someone looks you up and down and, like, their tits just heave suddenly? The worst is blinking. Oh my god. My name is Dane Miller. And my name is Niles Bain. And we've been your fuck buddies. Blink them titties.