F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 173 - The Most Expensive Apology

Episode Date: January 24, 2022

If you listen to this episode, I'm super mad at you and you totally owe me a few thousand dollars.  Topics include when the vibes don't lie, uninvited exercise encouragement, underage Instagram models, a $15,000 mistake, how to move forward after discovering a partner's past trauma, erectile difficulties and ghosting.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in our love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in our love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niles Bain. And we're your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and we turn them into sexy, sticky situations.

Simply put, we're a sex and dating advice podcast where we either find questions online or we, you know, mull over the ones sent in to us by our wonderful listeners. And we've survived it. We did it. We had a snowmageddon, as I'm sure a lot of places did over the past couple days, but we dug ourselves out and we're survived it. We did it. We had a snowmageddon, as I'm sure a lot of places did over the past couple days, but we dug ourselves out, and we're still here. I didn't dig myself out.

I'm still buried under snow. Okay. That's why everything I'm going to say is going to be so cool. Yeah, it's going to be great for acoustics. I wish I could fill this room with snow. Hey, you could. I mean, I could.

Yeah, the snow is up to pretty much my waist on my deck or my balcony. So I could just go out there and just start shoveling it in. It is kind of crazy. Like, it's literally the most snow I've ever seen in my life. So people who are in Canada probably don't think it's a

big deal. If any of you people listening aren't from Canada, like, holy shit, it was literally up to my waist. That's a lot of snow. Their cars on the street just disappeared. That's just snowfall. Us Canadians are used to it. It's the biggest snow since 1944. Wait, what? Really?

Mm-hmm. That doesn't sound right. Apparently. But maybe. I don't know. Who cares? It was a lot of snow. Snowmen care. Well, I will tell you, I'm glad that I was going to say it's not even good packing snow, but I'm so glad it wasn't good packing snow because that would have sucked. Just heavy wet snow.

I was going to talk about how I wanted to make a snowman, but like guys, by guys, I mean Dane. I feel like we got to get on with the show. Yeah. I think we got to do it. But first, do you want to build a snowman? Yeah. All right, let's go. Actually, you guys can first do you wanna build a snowman yeah all right let's go actually you guys can just listen to us build a snowman or at least sing the three lines of all the songs from frozen that we know uh do you want to start us off this week uh sure or do you want me to just fucking get in there uh actually no you start us off i want to see where we're going

i will now i see i want to see where we're going. I will. No, I see. I want to see where we're going because like I had a bunch and all of them got deleted. Start with this one. All of my questions are pretty long today and I don't think I have. No, nothing too heavy. This is from Reddit user Adorable Ad. Not feeling the vibe after arranging date with a girl.

Why is it so hard, man? I don't know why that was included in the question, but guys having a tough time. They say, I've admittedly crushed on this girl for eight years, and we've deaf had high sexual banter over the years. But she's bi, so she's been in and out of relationships with women for a while, which I'm totally cool with. But she's told me on a couple of times that she prefers men and hadn't been in a relationship with a woman and or anyone for a couple of years as her ex was very controlling. So we got talking

again as we'd swing in and out. And this time was different to the other times we'd spoken as she was strongly initiating a drink a couple of times and a FaceTime session. Her energy was a lot stronger than mine. And so we got talking talking teasing each other a bit and talking generally about life this is something we hadn't done so much for before uh to arrange a date where we'd go for drinks and you know in a hotel afterwards that was made very clear she then initiated going for valentine's weekend and for a couple nights when i gave her the option of one or two nights so we could build a connection again she expressed she expressed how excited she was, and it generally felt real. Like, sometimes I'd fall asleep at night and she'd pop up saying,

Morning, babe. Double messaged me on Snap, sending me stuff even though I hadn't even asked for it. The last couple days have felt different. I can't identify what it is. Vibes don't feel right? She did say she had period pains, but this morning she replied to my Snap, replying to her story saying Sunset was beautiful like her saying oh babe with hard eyes but something feels off especially as she hasn't replied to my text from last night and she's been posting on her insta story but i did tell her last night i'd booked the hotel confirmed what was happening and she said she was looking forward to seeing me ugh i don't know man this last night? It's only been since last night? This seems like a massive overreaction.

I mean, I have suspicions why, but I will let you take a swing at it first. Yeah, I was expecting like, oh, you know, over the last week, things have dipped down or blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But since last night, I don't understand why you're on here already maybe it's that you feel very nervous considering now it's real and you're overthinking everything but like the fact that she replied to your thing with hard eyes and thanks babe but just hasn't replied to one text from last night like that's all you've really given us it sounds like it might be an overthinking issue yeah because like evidentially all we've gotten is literally she did respond to this nice message i sent her in a nice way she did agree to go to the hotel which we fucking put in stone yesterday those are all big good signs and that's like the bad

sign that she hasn't replied to one message well and this happened yesterday oh i see what you're saying yes yes you know so it's like good, even recently still outweighs the bad from what I can see. So I think it might be you overthinking it. Yeah, and that's what I was going to say. I am, I would wager about 90% that you're just getting nervous and are now like panicking a little

because you've been thinking about this for eight years and now it's becoming a reality. And so now I think you're kind of starting to freak out a little. You know what I mean? You're probably maybe there's a little insecurity of being like, what if this doesn't go well? Or what if I don't live up to their expectations? There's probably a little nervousness of being like, hey, I what if we get together and we don't click?

Like, what if like, what if we just don't have that spark? And there's two things to add to this one. I kind of understand why, because it's like, you guys seem to have gone from zero to a hundred, you know what I mean? You're doing a multiple day hotel stay over Valentine's day weekend before you guys are even anything.

That's, you know, it sounds like you haven't even gone on a date. This sounds like a first date as well. Yeah. Which is insane. But secondly, it sounds like you haven't even gone on a date. This sounds like a first date as well. Yeah, which is insane. But secondly, it's like, I know you're overreacting no matter what the thing is, because you've gone to Reddit so quickly, even if it was like a day of them being weird.

You know what I mean? It's like, you're probably not even 24 hours out from the message that they haven't responded to. And you're already on the internet being like, what's happening? I wish we knew the message as well, because what if it was just one of those things that like doesn't really need a reply if it was something similar to the like sunset message that you had sent they could have you know lumped because i know there are times where like if i'm talking to someone on like text messenger and instagram i usually consolidate yes i usually try to consolidate all of my answers into one format so i don't have

to keep fucking switching and trying to remember what thread i'm on it's like the general response from the sunset one probably in their mind counted as a response to the other thing you said and i think that's very fair so you gotta take a breath i can't tell you to not do a two-day or multiple day date as your first date ever over Valentine's day weekend. Cause it's too late for that. But you know, hopefully you guys are close enough or else you wouldn't have felt the need to plan that. So take a breath. It's all good. They know you, you know them. So this isn't coming out of nowhere. You guys are doing this for a reason. Just enjoy it for what it is. If it doesn't work out, whatever, it'll be better to

have known, you know, to have gone on it and then and then like oh i don't need to pine over this person because that sucked or to go and have a great time these are all possibilities but like if you freak out it's going to be difficult so take a breath 100 you need to take a deep breath feel whatever you're feeling if you are a little nervous that's fine and totally understandable it doesn't make you any less of like a big tough dude to be a little nervous or anxious before a date of someone you've been interested in for almost a decade. It's completely understandable why you might be a little nervous or a little skittish or even like a little insecure. So don't worry about it. Those are all completely normal things to feel but talking yourself out of

something that could be great for really no reason at all other than like vibes don't lie i would say give it a try if it doesn't work that's it's two days of your life that you know might not be the best but whatever like you got to take the chance and And I, cause I promise you, you'll regret going on this or not going on this more than you'd ever regret going on the date and it not going well. A hundred percent. So go make the most out of it. And like, you know, I think step one is acknowledging you're nervous. That's cool. You're allowed to do that. Try to look at these things and realize that even in what you've told us, the good far outweighs the bad. And the timeline is so brief that like, you know, take a breath. It's okay.

Yeah. Literally the only bad is she didn't respond to a text. Okay. Yeah. You're fine. But she did. Yeah. It's you're good.

I think maybe she's a little nervous too. Like, which again is understandable. So unless it's massive or malicious, like, I think little nervous too. Like, which again is understandable. So unless it's massive or malicious, like I think you're good. All right. This is by getting through. I went on the first date yesterday and woke up to an odd text this morning. I, 21 year old female, met this guy, 23 year old male on a dating app. And we've been texting a lot the past few days. We decided to meet up at a cafe and ended up talking for hours. We have so much in common, get along really well. One of the topics that came up is our activity level. He's currently very active

at a climbing gym. Meanwhile, I'm not very active outside of walking to classes. I did say this semester I want to get back into exercising as I used to run track but quit due to tendonitis. I didn't think much of the conversation until I woke up to a paragraph from him this morning. I'll attach the full text, but basically he said he thinks we're compatible and he likes me, but he wants me to be more active. He asked, what would you think about going to the gym a few times a week this year? He worded the message very politely, and I'm glad he's upfront with what he values, but the fact it's only been one date is throwing me off. I'm not sure what to make of this message, so any advice is welcome. And here's the message. Good morning, smiley face. So I know I was pretty

elusive last night regarding what I'm looking for slash if I was interested in seeing each other again. I apologize. I tend to take time to think things over before committing to anything when I can. Thinking about last night and this morning, I think you seem really cool and I feel we have a lot in common and get along really well. Smiley face. My only hang up is I do wish you were more active. Very sad face. It seems like you're interested in that too, perhaps though. So what would you think about getting to the gym a few times a week this year? Feels like an awkward thing to ask and honestly I wouldn't accept. I think you'd enjoy it and that'd be beneficial regardless of how things work out between us.

In any case, let me know what you think. Eyes emoji. If you're like, nah, screw that. Screw you. I get it. It's all good. I do think you're cute and attractive. I don't mean any of this to take away from that smiley face. This isn't something you're interested in doing for yourself, honestly. And for real, don't do it for me. But if it happens to align, awesome tongue face. Yeah, this is a weird fucking thing to say to someone like ever like i don't think i would feel comfortable saying that to amanda who has been my partner for you know six or seven years everyone knows that they should work out you know what i mean like everyone knows that it is

beneficial to go to the gym or to get exercise. So having a random person, especially in this situation that you've like just met, be like, I think you'd benefit from going to the gym. Hey, guess what, dude? We all would. Everyone would. Literally. No shit. There's literally no downside to getting exercise unless you're injured and don't know how to do it correctly. But you know what I mean?

It seems very strange. I would love to know this woman's body type as well. Is she super fit or is she, does she have a little extra weight on her? Because I think that really colors this message. If they are sort of, you know, an average weight for their,

their height and their build it's weird i think if it's if she's a little larger i think it's worse i don't think there's any way in which he isn't kind of being fat shamey here part of me wondered if it was like you know he's an active person he wants to date someone active which you know i get but like he's not asking her to be active he's not asking her to be active with him right he's asking her to independently go to the gym also a couple of times a week which is like yeah who has the time he almost gets away with it by being so polite and weird but like there's something kind of sinister about it there's some kind of shitty it feels fat shamey somehow so yeah i get

it like i think it would be a different thing of being like hey i'm very active and i would like to you know do active things are you down to maybe go on a hike or blah blah blah because that would be totally fucking different but just being like hey go to the gym on your own time or else i can't date you is very strange because the thing is he's either a fucking gym fanatic in the worst way or he's weirdly fat shaming and like if this is how it starts it's never gonna get better yeah I that's the thing like if I think this would be a much different message if he was like hey I'm a very active person and I really like to you know go camping go rock climbing go do this do that do that and if that's not something you're going to be like, that's a big part of my life and

that's not something you're interested in, then like, I don't think we'll be that compatible because, you know, my idea of a fun date isn't going to a bar or, you know, staying at home or going to a movie. It's doing something active. Like if that was the tone, it'd be much different because it would be more like this is something I'm looking for in a partner and I'm just putting on the table. But like you said, that's not what he's doing yeah i think you definitely need to like talk to him and be like hey i i actually i don't know i don't know if you need to explain

how it comes across to this guy if you're not feeling it you know what i mean if if you're not into it then don't do it but i think i like i can't even like i'm trying to find a positive for this person of being like well talk to him be like, I'd love to go to the gym with you. But then like, you're, you're still making the concession of him telling you what to do with your body. And that's the thing. He never once offered to go or to do anything with her. So it's like, I don't know. It is kind of weird.

It's like, like, what do you say to that? Now? The thing is, what if he works for good life and he's just trying to get up those numbers yeah just a very handsome man who's very very good at convincing you to get the gym membership that's the thing he signs you in for a year and then he disappears next thing you know you see him at the gym and he's like gotcha and that says in the membership you signed you cannot be angry at greg for seducing you with the sexiness and you're like shit i signed away my right to be angry at greg but then hey greg gets you blasted so win-win yeah maybe he just like absolutely blast your fucking abs your core yeah you come out of there yoked as hell i think you need to take a hard

pause and think about how this makes you feel because i don't think either one of us can really give you advice on this because at the end of the day, it's your body. And you need to, if you could strew this, because we also don't know what the date was like too. So we don't really know what you talked about. So you've got to color that as well or use that to color your decision. But you need to really think about and be like, hey, am I cool with a man or anyone telling me what they think would be best for my body? And is that something I want to encourage or,

you know, allow in a romantic relationship with someone? Because as Niall said, it is a very slippery slope before all of a sudden it's maybe we should, maybe we shouldn't eat so many fried foods. Maybe we should eat more greens. Maybe you should have more salads. it's maybe we should maybe we shouldn't eat so many fried foods. Maybe we should eat more greens. Maybe you should have more salads. And then maybe we it would be maybe you.

Yes. Yes. Maybe you should lay off the chips as he takes it out of her hand and finishes them. Yeah. So I think you need to really think about how you feel about this. And I don't think that not being okay with this is a bad answer. Yeah. I think there's a lot of ways to read this poorly because in essence,

he's kind of saying, I'm not into your body. You need to work on it. And then maybe I'll consider it. You know what I mean? I think you'd have to reach to find a good outcome. Maybe he's awkward and phrased it weirdly. Maybe he did mean to invite you to the

gym or something i don't know if you're upset by that fuck it yeah you're fine get ditch this shit because it's very possibly very negative and very toxic so it's on you but or like it's up to you but if you are upset by this and you don't like this yet that's totally fine don't worry we get it um this comes from lettuce be spicy how do i approach the conversation lettuce isn't though could be how do i approach a conversation with my boyfriend about instagram models specifically an underage one i don't love that my boyfriend follows insta models it's especially awkward when he has to shut instagram down fast when he's scrolling and i'm nearby anyway haven't said anything until now because it wasn't worth the discussion. However, I recently saw that he's following someone that is 17 and posts lots of

bikini pics and now I feel incredibly turned off and disgusted by him. I've been avoiding him as I'm confused on what to do. I was wrong to invade his privacy and should not have creeped on him in the first place. I won't justify my actions. I can't take back creeping. So how do I approach that conversation? Today's world is fairly common for men to follow Instagram models. Is it worth it to bring up regardless of who I am dating or how much I grow up? It's always been something that bothers me in a relationship, but I've never said anything. That's weird. It's weird to elaborate.

I don't know. It's like weird that there are 17 year old bikini models. Sounds gross. How is that allowed? It's it's like it's it's the internet they could do whatever they want really i guess yeah uh yeah because i would like usually we've talked about like policing who people like and watch on instagram and shit and it's like i think we've said a few times that that's like, it's not worth being like, oh, you can't follow this model or this person. But this is a different situation where that's kind of weird, I guess. I don't know. I don't know how you bring it up.

I think it's like, I think it's very telling in your relationship that there is something that he scrolls away really quickly, maybe. Because I think that's one thing you can start with be like hey i've noticed that you very hastily like go out of these things if i'm near and it's like i know you're looking at instagram models so why do you feel the need to to do that because then you're bringing up that they if they feel that's a bad thing then you kind of have common ground to stand on or at least you can broach the subject and even then you could be like hey look i don't mind or if because it doesn't seem like you necessarily mind that but if you have a conversation she specifically says she hates it well as in she seems to be able to live with it but then the

17 year old is the like the straw that broke the camel's back but i think this is still a disingenuous like means of bringing it up being like oh why why are you turning it like because the issue is you're not comfortable with the located serenity models which is fine you're allowed to feel that way and i think you need to express that to your partner so that like i don't think as we've talked about before and other questions like this you don't get to pick and choose what people do and look at and how they consume media and stuff like that you know i mean if they want to watch porn they get to watch porn if they want to look at instagram models they get to pick and choose what people do and look at and how they consume media and stuff like that. You know what I mean? If they want to watch porn, they get to watch porn.

If they want to look at Instagram models, they get to look at Instagram models. That's just, you know, free will. And you need to be okay with that. But I also don't think there's a problem in being like, hey, I get a little uncomfortable when you spend, you know, however much time this dude is spending staring at Instagram models. I'm not telling you to change. I just want you to know that's how I feel. However, there is the fact that you're following someone who is 17 really upsets me. And that's I think that's how you bring it up.

And there's no way this person is not going to get defensive. I'm telling you that right now. You know, I mean, there's no way like no person in the world is going to be okay with being like told they're looking at underage women in a sexual manner. And even if they are, you know what I mean? Like even if that is 100% their intent, I don't think that there is anyone who's going to be like, yeah, whatever. It's fine. Whatever. She's allowed to do it.

I'm going to look. And if that's the case, then it's like, cool, this isn't a partner that you should be with or that you want to be with. Yeah, again, I don't see anything wrong with bringing it up when they hastily scroll out because then it's happening and you can be like, hey, I've noticed you do this when you're looking at Instagram models, and I would like to know why. Because if they're like, oh, I didn't think you'd be okay with it, then you can be like, well, I haven't. But if we haven't had this talk,

obviously you think there's something wrong with it. You know what I mean? You can bring it up because it's something that has just happened. So you don't have to like spring it on them out of nowhere. It's a little combative maybe, but like at least it's of the moment. So I feel like sometimes it's really hard to like be having a good day and be like, oh, by the way, I hate that you look at Instagram models, you know? And then they're going to focus on what do you mean? When do I do it?

Oh, were you looking through my phone? Whereas like when they've literally just done a thing you can witness, you can bring that up. Yeah. I mean, that's fair. You know, I also just want to give people the,

the encouragement to bring up problems instead of waiting until it's reveled in. You know what I mean? Cause that. No, a hundred percent, but it sounds like I'm just imagining this, a person that does it every day.

Yeah. Maybe I'm wrong. And yeah, you should a hundred percent. Cause like you could be waiting forever or miss your chance or you know not have the spoons to deal with it when it happens or whatever so by all means bring it up the sooner the better for your mental health but like if it's an issue for you bring it up and then get out of there if they're not willing to make changes you know yeah and then on the flip side this is the advice we

gave to the person who was upset about Instagram models before. You need to investigate why they upset you so much, because I'm telling you right now, it's jealousy. They're jealous. And that has really no place in a relationship unless this person is doing weird thing like DMing them creepy shit. Or these are people that they know personally that they are actively like you know being yes but like if they're just looking at attractive women in fucking bikinis and stuff like whatever if it was porn do you have a problem with that because then that's a different conversation you also need to have what are you allowed to look at what's he allowed to look at you know what i mean it's it's just a spiral of messiness at that point obviously the whole 17 year old thing is fucking weird but like just average fucking instagram models it's like maybe it's not ideal but it's not like they're just enjoying the human form it's like we all fucking do it that's the thing i think i mean there's a good chance this dude doesn't know this person is 17 and like the difference between a 17 year old and a 19 year

old on instagram when you're looking at pictures like i probably wouldn't be able to tell i i wouldn't know no so that's the thing it's like between like filters and between all these fucking things and it's like not everybody looks the same when they were x age or y age i don't want to make generalizations but it's very possible that this person has never clicked onto the profile or if they have they're not reading the fucking bio you know what i mean yeah i promise this man is not looking at these women and like getting their vital statistics like i this guy doesn't give a shit um so maybe he just needs to be told like oh hey this woman is 17 and he's like oh gross fuck yeah never mind you know i mean that might be i'm hoping that's the case because like there are attractive models that i've seen and i couldn't tell you how old any of them are but if someone was like oh by the way

she's like 16 i'd be like gross thanks for letting me know yeah so you know have the talk if you're unhappy there's no point bottling it up right like that's not gonna do you any fucking favors talk to them if you're unhappy with the outcome leave. I know it sounds like I'm making it very simplistic, but like that is kind of the name of the game, right? If you're unhappy, what's the point staying? You can't really change people in like magically. So if they're unwilling to change something, you're just, you set yourself up for a bunch of misery to overlook it for no reason. And Hey, if you find out your boyfriend is super into underage girls, get out of there. That's an excellent telling sign that, like, you can leave.

You know what I mean? Like, if he's like, no, I should be allowed to look at whoever I want, no matter how old they are. They put it out there. It's like, well, okay. Yeah. I'm out. That's not the way, dude. All right.

You ready? Yes. This is My Girlfriend Asked Me for $15,000 as an Apology by Hijru. Hi, all. I've been dating this lady for quite a while, and recently we had a fight, and she wanted to call it quits. I reached out to her to try and save the relationship, and she demanded I give her $15,000 as an apology. She told me the only way I can save the relationship is to give her the money. I understand that a guy has to provide for his lady, but do I think this amount is too much? Deep down, I have a feeling this is a test from her to see how much I would

do anything for her. I'm pretty sure you guys find it ridiculous. I'm even asking you guys about this now. I really do love her, but I feel like she only loves me for money. First of all, I am not rich guy. I'm only earning about 2000 a month. If I were to give her that money, that would burn a big hole in my savings. And the amount of time I took to save up the money in my bank account is just too long for me to give it away like that. So I'm here looking for answers slash opinions on what I should do next. My thoughts are that if money is the answer to save this relationship, then she loves me only for money and not me. Enlighten me, guys, please. That question is too long.

It's the fact that it's a question is upsetting. This should be in a, you know, what the fuck, not dating or whatever whatever i'm being like my my ex asked me for fifteen thousand dollars for an apology lol and then everyone goes ha ha ha wow that's insane lol and then they move on the thing that upsets me the most is that there's no rationale behind that number did you crash her car and that's the reason you guys got into a fight and you broke up and she's like hey you have to fix my car you did a ton of damage to it then it's like okay I understand that

but if you guys just had a fight and they're like I'm leaving and you're like no wait baby baby please stay she's like cool $15,000 then no not acceptable the only possible ever situation that this is okay is yeah like what dan said if you somehow caused fifteen thousand dollars worth of damages to one

of her like you fucking like took out a supporting wall in her home playing with the boys and you're like it was a sledgehammer party babe and she's like no you fixed my house so we're out that's a different story though and i imagine that they probably would have mentioned that, but maybe not. And if that's the case, yeah, you got to fucking pay for the damage you did. Right. But secondly, if that's not the case, you know what this person's going to do? They're either going to take that 15,000 and dump you anyway, or they're going to take that 15,000.

And then every time anything goes wrong, they'll be like, well, that's three grand. And you're going to be twice as likely to do it because what's three grand in the face that 15,000 and then every time anything goes wrong, they'll be like, well, that's three grand and you're going to be twice as likely to do it because what's three grand in the face of 15,000? Yeah, it's so fucking wild that you're thinking of this. You know the sunk cost fallacy? They're taking this to the new level. You can

never leave this girl because you've sank $15,000 into her. Does it even say how long they've been dating? Just says quite a while that's i'm going into their post history to see if i can find i there's there's yeah it's it's no i can't okay well you want something powerful yeah yeah so three months ago they post in relationship advice saying am i undeserving of love said they've been single for four years um and they recently met this amazing girl and that she's been dating this person for three months yeah something like that good i can't express enough i cannot say enough that no this

isn't okay again unless unless you've done damages or have done something to cost this person fifteen thousand dollars uh and i'm not talking about like metaphysical you know what i mean like i'm not unless unless you've done damages or have done something to cost this person fifteen thousand dollars uh and i'm not talking about like metaphysical you know what i mean like i'm not talking about like oh the fight was so distressing that she didn't go to an interview and that interview could like no fuck that like unless you have physically cost her or made her spend that money then this money doesn't belong to her don't pay people for your attention and your affection and your love if someone requires fifteen thousand dollars from you arbitrarily that's the value they've assigned to their forgiveness be like bye you know what i'm gonna do with fifteen thousand dollars go on many

trips i'm out of here yeah or save up for a home that i'm gonna move into a sane in with a sane person like and have all the sledgehammer parties with my boys there. Yeah. Then it's your supporting walls you're knocking out. Just don't do this. Don't let people debase you to the fact that you're going to financially cripple yourself for a chance at their affection. It's so upsetting that this is a real question. Yeah.

And it doesn't look like it's a fake account either. They have a very long post history and it's, it's pretty. I usually don't do this. Please tell me what the comments are saying. You want the comments? I just want a general consensus. I want to know if there's anyone who's like, it does sound reasonable. Hey, what do you think? I think this is a lot of like, leave her. Okay. First, the top one. That's not a girlfriend. That's a con artist. I'm saying it as politely as I can. If you give her the money, I bet you 15K she ditches you anyway. Lol, what'd you do? Total her car? That's the only thing I can think of that warrants 15K.

Stop dating con artists and gold diggers. Next one. I'll love you for 14,000. Gay for pay here. I only need 3.5. I'll go gay for five. I'm already gay. 4K? Okay, good. I'm glad that we are on the same page here reddit also a lot of people are and I don't think you even got a chance to be upset by this line because the rest of it a lot of people are pinging the I understand that the guy has to provide for his lady line and they're like that's not true it's not the 1950s get over yourself yeah that's also very true there's so much hell in that question it It was hard to, I think I had blacked out at that point. I don't think I would.

I'd love to know, like, do the listeners feel the same mental toll when you hear these kinds of questions or just kind of like weighs down on your brain as you're listening to it. By the end of it, you're like, uh, what? I would like to, because if so, I'm, I'm sorry to inflict this on you every week. I would like to assume that they do, especially because I imagine most people listen to this out in public, like while they're commuting, while they're walking, while they're doing something.

So the added knowledge that there's someone on the bus that they're on could be thinking this is, I think is, you know, we're safe in our respective places, locked away, sealed off from the world. off yeah and it's just you and me and we're just talking hypotheticals you know what i mean but out in the real like if i had to do this if we ever do a live show let me tell you i'm gonna spiral like a question like that you know i think i think i would actually just get up and leave because i think i'll be like halfway through reading it and I'll see like a bunch of like disgusted faces out there

and you know, everybody like looking horrified. And then you see that one person like kind of, you know, the head tilted like, that's a good idea. And I'll be like, no. No. No. All right. You ready?

You're go. It's your go. Be ready. Yep. To go. This is a throwaway account. Just found out my wife is a prostitute, looking for perspective. My wife, or sorry,

was a prostitute. I don't know if I said that. Just found out my wife was a prostitute, looking for perspective. My wife, 29 female, and I, a 39 year old male, have been together for six years, married for two in February. We've had a relatively good relationship up to this point, but sexually we've never been 100% compatible. I constantly want sex and find

her extremely attractive. However, she has always been a bit reserved and we aren't sexually intimate very often. Last night we were cuddling on the couch, making out a little on and off. At some point she starts to get obviously upset, but I didn't understand what I had done to upset her. After she leaves the room crying, I try to figure out what's wrong. Without going into all the details, she eventually texts me to let me know she gets triggered when I show a lot of physical attraction because before we met, she had worked as a prostitute. Obviously, this wasn't a great time in her life, and she was used and abused. This all hit me like a kick in the gut. Intellectually, I know that it was not her fault here, and that it was in the past before we even met. I think of myself as relatively progressive

and I don't want to do anything to make her feel any more shame than she already does for something that was really wasn't her fault. All that being said, it's still fucking tough. I don't necessarily think prostitution is morally wrong. If anything, she was the victim of a society that fundamentally fails so many young women that they don't see an alternative to prostitution in order to put food on the table. I'm just throwing this out here in hopes that some of you might have a bit of perspective to share on the situation. Man, I really thought when you were reading the question, it was going to go worse from his perspective than that. And I'm glad that this person seems to be decent. Well, I think therapy is step one. I think it's very good that you're supportive and you aren't

a shitty person that's just like, you're worthless now or whatever the fuck, because a lot of people, I think, would take this news very badly if you've read any of the fucking comments on any Reddit ever. So I'm glad that you let her know that she's no less in your eyes

and it's not her fault and all these things. I think that's really great. And I honestly, yeah, I think, you know, fault and all these things. I think that's really great. And I honestly, yeah, I think, you know, continue to be supportive, but I think she needs therapy and you might too.

I don't know couples therapy, but I think definitely professional help is kind of the next step, especially if like she's getting triggered by like a physical attraction to her and like just cuddling on the couch and all those things like that's not a tenable position. Like they can't kind of keep going because your life is going to be very hard and i think you're already noticing kind of like a lot of downsides to what i presume is like her past trauma or you know and this i imagine is wildly linked so it's something that needs to be fixed and if you remain a

supportive partner and help and agree to to do therapy or like maybe she just needs it i don't really know but i think that's what you got to do next you know what i mean like we're not professionals i think you gotta hand it to the professionals 100 absolutely something like this isn't something that you guys can talk it out uh it'll certainly help and letting her know that you support her and still love her and that, you know, you're there for her to talk to you whenever she needs to or if she wants to. I think those are all very, very important first steps. And then like Niall said, it is time to suggest speaking to a professional mental health expert and offering if she wants for you to go her. So that you could do this as a couple. But I think there's also something to be said. About the importance of being able to. For her to be able to.

Work through this on her own. Because there's. Probably a part of her. If something terrible happened. She probably doesn't want you to know that. Or doesn't want you. Doesn't want that part of her life. To cover how you see her. And it would be very hard for you to know that or doesn't want you doesn't want that part of her life to color how

you see her and it would be very hard for you to not let it and i'm saying that very honestly and candidly i would love to say that like you know oh nothing would ever change my mind but like obviously certain things would would definitely make me see people in a different light um so i think there's that's like if you're going to therapy, the freedom to speak candidly is, I think, one of the most important aspects of that. So it's like being able to go by yourself so you don't have to worry and second guess and panic about all the things you're saying. And you can process them in a safe space with a non-judgmental voice. And like, those are all really hugely important things.

So that's why I kind of said like maybe she just needs to go but like part of me just felt bad being like you need to go to there you know what i mean like it almost feels like you're just shipping her off like i think what dame was saying like being completely and utterly supportive but then giving them the freedom to heal on their own as well with your support yeah is very essential um now I will say on the flip side to this, for the man, I think you need to understand that prostitution and in a larger category, sex work isn't always predatory. I know a ton of sex workers who do it safely, who are proud of their work, who aren't victims, who aren't abused. And it is a valid and normal way to make a living. I understand that sex work is real work. I understand that your wife's

experience within that industry might be completely different to what I've just described. And I understand that there are plenty of young women and plenty of people in general that are being abused and coerced and all that. And I understand that there is an area of that industry that is very, very harmful. And if that's where your wife is coming from, then we understand why you feel that way. But also going forward, I just want to put it out there as we're having this conversation that there's plenty of occupations and people working safely and happily in the field of sex work. Yeah. And you also don't, I think part of being supportive is not making kind of broad generalizations like that because one, they're incorrect and two, they can be almost as harmful if she sees you you kind of reducing her even if it was just her past profession down to like the stereotypical like you you we all know like the just the grimmer kind of side of things which again she may have done but like she i'm sure would like to be seen for her experiences rather

than you being like oh yeah i saw this on csi once lol so throw all the kind of generalizations out the window and like deal with the situation as it is because then you're dealing with her reality and not just kind of like a fantasy that you've heard of and i don't mean fantasy like as in a good thing but i mean as in it's fake i don't think generalizations are gonna help here yeah absolutely not and i i think it's important for you to not speak on what you like. You said, like what you think it would be like. It doesn't matter what you assume life was like as a prostitute or the time she spent as a prostitute or a sex worker. It's it's 100%. You have to sort of wipe the slate clean and get rid of your preconceived notions of the industry and the worst case scenarios or what you think happened while she was working as a sex worker. And I think you just need to be a sponge to the extent that your mental health allows and let her tell you what she wants to tell you, process it. And as again, as Nell said, there's probably a good chance that you should probably speak

to a therapist as well, because this is a pretty big revelation and not even like the with the idea of being like, my wife used to be a prostitute. More so the fact that like you're going to be processing the fact that she's been dealing with this trauma the entire time you were together. And for me, that would be difficult. And especially because you've already noticed kind of these difficulties in the bedroom. So now I think it's very clear where they have stemmed from. And I think that's just a really tough thing to realize that like, there's been this kind of underlying issue, you had no idea

about this whole time. And like, it's very easy to feel like a bad partner and, and all these things. So it's like, there's absolutely no harm. Honestly, most people should go to therapy, if not every person anyway. Um, so it's definitely no harm and it might help your, your wife if she's going separately and you're going separately because then you both are, and you know, just continue the support, but definitely seek professional help because obviously it's taking a toll on your lives and you don't want that. So good luck. Yeah. Good luck. Keep, keep supporting her. Uh, you're, I think you guys will be okay as long as you keep trusting each other and, and really do advocate

for, for a professional help. You want one more? Yeah, we can probably do one more. All right. This is add money. Eight, eight801. I experienced erectile dysfunction with a girl. Now she's ghosting me. So I'm in college. Had a one night stand. Got in bed together. Things got hot fast. Shat our clothes. She was naked. I was in my underwear. Her body on mine, yet still no sign of an erection. So went down on her.

Honestly, I think I did a pretty good job. Or maybe she's an incredible actor. I don't know. Lol. Either way, we went through two rounds of me going down on her. Still no erection. Didn't seem to be a big deal, though. We ended up just cuddling to sleep with her scratching my back. It was very intimate. When it comes to this ED thing, I was aware of it before.

Could have been influenced by alcohol, but more likely it's the result of porn. Been an ongoing battle for me. Next morning, we didn't really talk. Called a friend to give me a ride home. Got dressed. On the way out, I kissed her goodbye and I said, That was fun. We should do it again sometime. We both smiled and I left. A few days went by,

and despite having her Snapchat, I didn't message her. I don't really use Snapchat, but I suppose we had had each other that night. I was somewhat embarrassed by my ED, but I'm also not sure I'm interested in a serious relationship. However, after about five days, me and my friend were getting ready to go out. She posted a picture on her story where she's looking gorgeous, so my drunken stupor, I messaged her something she ghosted you. Despite not having sex, the flirtation was great. And just fooling around with her in bed had been so much fun. Why ghost me? Was it because I couldn't get it up? I wouldn't really say she ghosted you. You didn't message her at all.

And then the only thing you sent her was a drunken yo. Right? Like, if anything, you ghosted her. You didn't message her at all afterwards. Yeah, 100%. Like, you can't be like, oh, I can't believe she ghosted me. Yeah, 100%. Like, you can't be like, oh, I can't believe she ghosted me. Nah, brah.

Like, yeah, you waited, you also waited almost a full week to say yo. Yeah. To a picture of her looking sexy when you're drunk. Like, you've done this poorly. And that's not to say that, you know,

having an issue like this where you can't get erect in bed doesn't shake out poorly for dudes, you know what I mean? Where you're sort of seen as like less of a sexual partner or less of a man, blah, blah, blah. There's a bunch of social stigma that goes along with not being able to get an erection. And as you said, there's also a ton of reasons why it couldn't have happened or why it didn't happen. It could be because you were too drunk. It could be because you were nervous. It could be because of stress. It could be because you're tired, hot. It could be because of porn, like any number of reasons as to why. So like in that regard, I don't know. I really don't know why it happened. But in terms of her reaction, I would say it's the exact same as yours in radio silence.

So, well, I don't know. The thing is, it's like on the positive end of things, like she seemed to be pretty cool about the situation in terms of like she didn't get weird about it. She cuddled with him. She was nice on the good side of things. He at least went down on her and like, you know, just like well no dick no sex um so like this could have been a decent situation but like yeah you you didn't message her for almost a week and then just said yo over snapchat to a sexy picture of her like what do you expect and the best thing is now this is one of those rare times where people piled onto this dude

in the fucking comments everybody's like what the fuck did you think would happen it's five days you said yo like what are you doing he's like yeah i'm at a goat he's like i've been i've been humbled the update it was just like wow nothing like getting absolutely destroyed in the comments of my own post to humble me that that being said it's like there's a good chance that like she didn't like when you stayed silent she might not have messaged you because she figured you might have been too embarrassed as to not you know i mean like not make things you probably just wanted a clean cut because like i don't know so i i guess like the the lesson has been learned thankfully yeah i think you know if you don't put the ball on someone's court and i think guys or girls you know what i mean you can't wait

five days be like oh it's like that meme where what's his name like shoots the person and turns around like can't believe they've done this it's like yeah you essentially goes to them like what are you talking about so if you want someone fucking talk to them in a in a normal capacity don't just send them a yo you know what i mean like they knew what you were doing right if you're drunk i'm assuming it was late enough yeah exactly he said he was like going out with the boys it was probably like yeah midnight yeah it's like in my drunken stupor it's like i doubt you're that drunk pre-gaming if you are maybe that's the thing you need to figure out too i don't know as someone who's been that drunk

pre-gaming i'm you know no shame here but if it's an issue it's an issue so yeah just fucking don't don't do this communicate better yeah yeah you did a bad job. But that's going to do us for the show. But that's not all of the show. At the end, we like to peruse online dating platforms like Tinder, Bumble and Hinge for red flags and dating profiles in an effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable. Maybe I won't read this person's name because it's unusual. So I don't want to like dox them. Sure. Let's just call them A. I'm a full-time tantric

priestess looking for a tantric god king kundalini awakened successful living his passion dreams and fulfilling his sole purpose someone to temple build with heart face good luck in this app hey but who knows it's all about the vibes baby you know probably not my, but I don't think it's got any red flags. I get the vibe that it's mostly joking. I don't know. Maybe not. Like, what if they are actually like a tantric, you know, practitioner? No, I mean, they're looking for a god king reawakened.

Oh, I see what you're saying. I mean, you know, I don't know. Maybe that's like a tongue in cheek to a point where like i you know i'm all for people being spiritual and i do hate when people take it way too seriously so like for me it's kind of charming to see someone be like i am spiritual but like i'm taking the piss a little bit here yes i would like i don't know enough about tantric to like know the the lore or the mythology of it so yes i i assume it's the same situation where it's just like, I don't

hate this. And hate. They want to get tantric. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm going to give this an 8. Yeah, I'll give it a 7. This is Mel. I'm absolutely terrible at using this app. I like sunglasses. I think I want you to be older than me. Also, you need to be

double vaxxed if you'd like to stick your tongue in my mouth. Oh, I like that last your tongue in my mouth. that's a fucking that's a fucking red flag for me like it's not a difficult fucking app that's in the same category it's like i don't even know why i'm on here like stop stop making excuses you know what i mean it's like you're on here because you want to date you're not bad at this app you just don't reply to some people because you don't like them that's fine we all get it we're all doing the same thing i hate that it's a five I'm going to give it a five as well. Cause like, it really is very forgettable. Yeah. It's bland at best.

Speaking of forgettable. Um, I, I didn't bring it in because I, I saw so many of them, but the amount of people, I don't know if it's a meme or if it's from a song, but the amount of people I've seen on Tinder now who say,

I'm not like every other girl. I'm worse. What? Okay. I don't know. Because I know the like, I'm not like those other girls is like a fucking, you know,

trope, basically. So I guess maybe that's a way of people reclaiming it. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. But it was like, I saw like 18 of them and I was like,

ugh. It was the first time I saw it and the more I saw it, I was like, this is the worst. I think depending on context of the rest of the profile if i saw it once i'd be like that's funny because they're like playing into that like pretty toxic i'm not like those other girls tropes but then like instead of that meant to be a good thing being like i'm worse like it's funny but like if i saw it a million times, it would get old very quick, I think.

Yeah. Just look at every other profile. Ready for Amy? Yeah. Hi there. Not here for hookups. I'm athletic, 5'10", love to eat, cook, work out, and sleep. And of course, spend time with friends, family, and my kitty cat. I'm an aesthetic nurse, and I'm hoping to meet a tall, athletic, intelligent, kind, caring, and emotionally available man. I love a big, sweet, cuddly guy.

Also, I do not care about your vaccination status. This is a form of division I won't partake in. It's obviously the vax thing. You know that's bad. We're not going to talk about that. Tell me your anti-vax. Tell me your anti-vax. The other thing is, you've said nothing. Nothing there.

You've said absolutely nothing about who you are because everyone likes those things. Yes. i mean like work out and sleep no shit yeah of course spend time with your friends and family oh whoa it's like who i mean and look wait wait this person likes to spend time with their friends you know yeah that's crazy wow i get it there's some people who are going to be like, they have a problematic situation with their family. Okay, cool. Sure.

But then there's found family. Yeah. This is just such a garbage profile because it tells you nothing. It's so generic. It's so bland. There's nothing given. There's no personality other than you don't believe in vaccinations cool it's one be gone yeah agreed go find your non-descript white man hey as a non-descript white man i find

that no hit me this is uh gabrielle again this is another one where i'm like we probably have done this profile their profile says dumb bitch with terrible taste i will never change i will never improve that is a promise like what would possess you to be like yeah this is good because people have like the bad bitch idea of being like i am like this is who i am okay but like if you're content with being a shit person, then cool, I guess. I don't know. It's such a weird flex that people find cool or that some people think is cool. And it's just maybe it's my age.

She's 21. I'm 34. Maybe I'm just too old for this. No, I don't think I ever would have been young enough that that would have been any way attractive to me. I might be dumb enough to be like, well, fuck it fuck it they're attractive let's get in a terrible situation anyway but like i still would have seen that and then like what are you doing yeah because like that's one thing to be shit and not know it but to be like oh no i suck but god no i'm not gonna get better what yeah zero well i'll give it a one because the other one was also a one. This is Lara. My passion is traveling. Dear sofa critics

and experts, all inclusive is not a traveling. If you're not into traveling, please don't contact. If you have a dog slash cat, unfortunately, I am allergic to animals, but I like all animals. Only serious man, girly guy, laugh face. Find someone else to follow your Insta. No Insta. If you want endless chat, don't waste my time move on i never follow the rules and do what my soul wants not my mind as a natural result i am spiritual that was a lot um like i don't even know what i can pull out as a red flag it was just not great in general. I think only serious man and then girly guy, laughy face. That's okay.

What does that mean? Like, I assume she's laughing at the thought of girly guys. Yeah. Okay. So like shit idea of gender roles. Cool. Yes.

Yes. Massively like shit in that sense. Uh, yeah, it's just all bad. I never follow what my mind wants or the rules hmm that sounds terrible yeah i don't think and i never follow rules or laws by you know inference why aren't you dead because let me tell you if i just like i would have jumped off a cliff a long time ago

just being like i know i'm not supposed to and i know i will fall but what if i can fly yeah my soul kind of wants to though yeah the amount of times i'm standing on the edge of a fucking subway trying to be like i could jump but i don't because i use my mind to be like that's a bad idea a hundred percent uh so yeah i don't know that's not gonna that's not gonna do it for me that's gonna be i think another one i agree this is amrita italian brazilian covered in tattoos love for swearing and jameson guys dunder mifflin is not a real career no one should ever say vaxxed and waxed ever again and stop holding fish in your profile we get it you don't have sex but

you enjoy the outdoors okay it was okay until it got real bitter uh you know what i i'd like the the fish bit i think it's pretty funny yeah but like that's ever literally every dating profile since the in like the creation of online dating people have been like i don't want to see pictures of holding fish that's fair i don't know why this became such a contentious thing i get it it's a fucking dumb thing to put but like i don't understand why guys put those pictures i don't understand why it upsets people so much, but like, like since the dawn of time,

since I ever used any dating profile or website or whatever, people have complained about these fish pictures. So I'm just like, move on. It's done. People obviously haven't gotten it. Like if people are still doing it, it's not going to change.

It's been 10 years. I've been seeing this. No,'s not going to change. It's been 10 years I've been seeing this. No one's got the hint. You're not the one who's going to change the world here. That's fair. I haven't seen one in a long time, so it tickled me pink. I guess that's it. That's us. Thank you very much, friends. It is the end of the episode. We appreciate you spending your time with us. If you have a question, please head on over to fbuddiespodcast.com click the contact form, fill out your agent name or we will give you one ourselves.

We keep it completely anonymous and we'll answer your question as soon as possible. Also, if you'd like to support the show, head on over to the same website, fbuddiespodcast.com and click the Patreon. It'll bring you over to the site in which you can set up a donation that happens monthly. If you do sign up for the $7 tier, you get an extra episode every month from us called Pillow Talk, which is a little loosey, a little goosey, a little more intimate, a little more more about ourselves we do kind of whatever we want we still do questions but it's it's a lot of fun

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you literally like are the best you've saved us because we've been we've been throwing cash out of our own pockets for the last three years um so it's really nice to kind of have that worry taken away especially in these trying times where me and dane are both not working all that much because we can't so thank you and to everyone who supports in other ways, thank you so much as well. Please give us a share. Tell your friend, you know, the drill.

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Do you have some bad sex writing for us? Oh, you do? You do know it. You know it. What a way to say that. This is a... I believe it's a Kijiji ad. Oh. Attractive female slash model slash actress for personal assistant for CEO, Midtown East. Seeking an attractive female for personal assistant for CEO.

I am based in Manhattan, New York. I run two businesses and I'm looking for personal assistant to help in organizing errands, travel plans, including some creative work that is related to social media and videos. I'm looking for someone available to attend dinner and charity events. Someone who's easy to get along with, fun and open-minded. If you are open to travel, that is a plus. This is a flexible position with 25 to 40 hours of work, some of which can be done remotely. 25 to 40 per hour, immediate hire. Why do you feel you will make a good personal assistant? Send a brief introduction with yourself. Must include

name and a few in capital. Photos! Thank you, Vance, and look forward to meeting you. I mean, it sounds completely legit, and I'm going to forward it to all of my attractive New York friends. Yeah, no, there's nothing wrong with that. I'm just, I see a good business opportunity for an

open-minded woman. That's the creepiest part, isn't it? Oh yeah, 100%. Open-minded. The second anyone says open-minded, I'm like, eh, hey, what do you mean by that? Why would you need that for being a personal assistant? Look, this guy's the CEO, alright?

He knows what he's doing. That's fair. That's fair. He does work 50 times harder than a normal person's doing that's fair that's fair he does work 50 times harder than a normal person it is true that's why he makes so much money my name is Dane Miller and I'm Niles Bain and we've been your fuck buddies wow you